Roman Holiday
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00:00MUSIC
00:17Have you seen that you get everything done in its proper order?
00:21The baggage, the letter, the map, everything.
00:23Yes, master, yes, of course.
00:25Kind master. Silly old fool.
00:28Always a real misery, he really is. Moan, moan, moan.
00:31Ah, well, now, you're here already, right.
00:33Let's get on with it, shall we? Greetings, good citizens, the prologue.
00:39Now...
00:41Please. Now, our story this week concerns the sirens.
00:46Now, not the ones that go off, of course.
00:48No, the sirens.
00:50Now, these sirens are very strange creatures, half bird and half women.
00:56The sirens used to lie on rocks,
00:59luring sailors to their doom with strange chants.
01:04Eh? No.
01:06Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, I don't know which half were birds.
01:09But I presume it was the top half,
01:12because you'd rarely have birds chanting through their tail feathers, could you?
01:19It came to pass...
01:21Sturkey, where are you? I'm out here, master, doing the prologue.
01:24Sturkey, come here. Yes.
01:26I want you to take my weekend baggage.
01:28Yes, gladly. Where shall I find her, master?
01:31Don't, don't. My hand baggage. Oh, if I'm sorry, yes.
01:34Are you going away for the weekend? Where's my mount?
01:37What now, master?
01:39My mount. Oh, yes, your mount, certainly, yes.
01:42Mount! Come on, mount.
01:44That's right, here. Come on, mount.
01:47There we are. There. Come on, Peggy.
01:50There we are. There's a good old girl.
01:53Sorry, good old boy, there we are.
01:56Oh, they're so sensitive, these animals.
01:58Now, you just stand there and do nothing.
02:01And I do mean nothing, yes.
02:04Yes, oh, the master cuts a dashing figure
02:07sitting there on his ass.
02:13Oh, you see, my dear, it seemed so sensible
02:15as I was going to be away on business
02:17that you could spend a pleasant weekend with my mother.
02:20A visit to your mother, Ludacris, can hardly be termed a pleasure.
02:23With Nausea's away, too, it does seem a bit silly
02:26for us to stay here on our own, mother.
02:28But your father so very carefully pointed out.
02:30When are you leaving?
02:32As soon as I've got rid of...
02:34As soon as you are safely on your way, my dear.
02:36In that case, we can travel to the crossroads together.
02:39I want to make sure you're on the right road.
02:41You would. Lurchio, the baggage.
02:43Yes, master.
02:45Lurchio, the mistress's litter. Is it on the way?
02:48Well, it looks very much like it, master, yes.
02:53Oh, er, Lurchio. Yes, master.
02:56Why don't you go away for the weekend?
02:59Me, master? A whole weekend? Me?
03:02Er, what with?
03:04With my full permission, of course.
03:07Oh, he's a mean old devil, he really is.
03:13Turn it round. Off you go, then. That's it.
03:17There they go.
03:19Goodbye, master.
03:21Oh, there you are.
03:23The charge of the livery grade.
03:27Now, what shall I do now they've gone?
03:29Let me think. What shall I do? What's the first thing?
03:31I... Yes, I...
03:33Certainly. If you insist, of course.
03:36The prologue.
03:39Now it came to pass.
03:41Prologues?
03:43No. I'm not wasting my time doing prologues.
03:46What?
03:48Not on your nellis secundus, I should say so.
03:50Well, it isn't often a slave like me
03:52gets a chance to have a weekend off.
03:54No? What weekend off?
03:56Do you know, I never even get Sunday.
03:58If you were to ask me, the last time I did off,
04:01I simply could not...
04:07I could not tell you.
04:09I'm going in for a bit of debauchery.
04:11Yes. Now, let me see now.
04:13I'm going to find myself a nice-looking girl.
04:16Well, not nice, necessarily.
04:18Of course, she doesn't have to look, for that matter.
04:20But let me think now.
04:22Yes. I must choose one very, very carefully, mustn't I?
04:25Choose one, because after all,
04:27when you're desirable...
04:29Well, yes.
04:31You must spread it around, mustn't you?
04:33Now, where can I get... Yes. Spread it around.
04:35Yes, first come, first served.
04:42I take that back.
04:44You see the effect I have on women?
04:46Look, they go mad.
04:48Whoa, whoa!
04:50Oh, dear. Here she is.
04:52The sous-chef, Sarah.
04:54Always on the go.
04:56I've just seen it!
04:58What?
05:00I've just seen it in my crystal ball.
05:02Have you, dear?
05:04Where is your ball?
05:06I'll show it to you.
05:08Now, be careful.
05:10Be careful which one you bring out, dear.
05:12There.
05:14Oh, dear.
05:16Yes, there you are. Look.
05:18Oh, yes. Yes, there I am.
05:20There you are, you see.
05:22Didn't I say I was desirable?
05:24What am I supposed to be doing there?
05:26Perhaps the gods will give us a sign.
05:28Yes.
05:30Speak to me, O ball. Speak to me, O ball.
05:32Well, this is a...
05:34I've heard of talking balls,
05:36but this is the first time I've ever seen one.
05:38Now it's getting clearer.
05:41I see two beauteous young women.
05:43Where?
05:45They are in sore trouble.
05:47Don't look at me, girl.
05:49Now you are with them.
05:51You are in trouble, too.
05:53Your fate and theirs are entwined.
05:55That's the trouble.
05:57My fate are always getting in the way.
05:59Come on, don't doze off already.
06:01Never mind. It was only a small one.
06:03I see a big, evil-looking man
06:05with an eyepatch.
06:07He only has one orb.
06:09Look, dear,
06:11we want a prediction, not a medical.
06:13Now I see a big galley at sea.
06:15A galley?
06:17With many oars.
06:19Oh, now it's getting interesting.
06:21Now the seas grow mountainous.
06:23The thunder rolls.
06:25The sky is red with fire.
06:27The fire grows worse.
06:29The blood flows everywhere.
06:31Ah!
06:33And that brings us to the end
06:35of Jackanorius.
06:39Well, have you ever heard such nonsense?
06:41She puts the mocks on you. She's a real misery.
06:43I mean, two beauteous young women.
06:45I'd like to see them.
06:47Oh, sir, sir, help us, help us, sir.
06:49I am seeing them.
06:51Oh, if you'd help us, we would do anything for you.
06:53Pardon?
06:55If you'd help us, sir,
06:57we would do anything for you.
06:59Would you?
07:01Oh, please, save us, sir. Save us, please.
07:03Oh, I'm sorry. No, I don't believe in saving.
07:05If you've got it, bash it.
07:08You've got it, I always say.
07:10We were being taken to the ship
07:12of a slave trader.
07:14A slave trader?
07:16Yes, but we managed to get away
07:18with the help of a brave young man
07:20who saw my predicament.
07:22Did he?
07:24In that cloak, he must have been clever, I must say.
07:26After them, they're out here somewhere.
07:28That's him, Captain Philonius,
07:30the captain of the slavers.
07:32Don't worry, I won't let him take you.
07:34Get them back or I'll kill anyone
07:36who stands in our way.
07:38Here they are!
07:40Oh, sir, please, do not give us up.
07:42Hide us, I beg you, sir, please.
07:44All right, all right, we'll hide.
07:46Look, come back here.
07:48Now, get in those sacks. Hide in there.
07:50Hide. Now, be very careful.
07:52Now, that's it. Don't mind that smell.
07:54Don't be fussy. Now, go on, get inside.
07:56There you are. Now, don't make a noise,
07:58for goodness sake, keep quiet.
08:00Get your periscope down.
08:02There they are. Oh, dear.
08:04Isn't it fortunate I emptied the manure
08:06out of those sacks only yesterday?
08:08Are you? Me, sir?
08:10Yes, you with the big thing dangling.
08:16I beg your pardon.
08:18This is my seal of office.
08:20I am a major domo.
08:22Don't point your finger at me,
08:24you scum.
08:26Scum? Oh, so it's scum to this?
08:28We're looking for...
08:34Scum to this. There's a woman there,
08:36didn't get it, don't... Mrs.
08:38She's been drinking chloroform. Now, come on, girl.
08:40I'm sorry, sir, I know you're in a hurry.
08:42We're looking for a couple of women.
08:44Hey, what's in these sacks?
08:46Sacks? Fruit. Fruit, eh?
08:48Yes. I could do with a nice, juicy pear.
08:50Probably find a couple in there.
08:52Yes.
08:54They feel more like melons to me.
08:58I hope he's right.
09:00Sir...
09:02They're rotten.
09:04Yes, well, I think you'll find one is a tinge overripe.
09:06Yes.
09:08Come on, men, let's not waste any more time with this oaf.
09:10Good. Yes.
09:12Sorry.
09:14But
09:16if you see or hear anything
09:18of these women, bring word to me,
09:20Folonius, at my ship immediately.
09:22Yes, sir. Or...
09:24Ear to ear.
09:26And ear...
09:28Oh, not there.
09:30Oh, no, please.
09:32I've had that operation.
09:36All right, all right.
09:38All right, don't overact.
09:40We got the message.
09:42Here. Did you see that?
09:44A bearded man, eh?
09:46With an eyepatch over one eye.
09:48Ooh, that old bag senner
09:50was right.
09:52She saw this in her ball.
09:54And two beautish young maidens, eh?
09:56Oh, I wonder how she does it.
09:58Unless... That's it.
10:00She must have seen the script.
10:02Of course.
10:04You all right?
10:06Yes. Have they gone?
10:08Yes, but I'm not letting you out.
10:10I've got you inside the house. Right.
10:20You're saying, isn't he strong?
10:22Aren't you?
10:24You are. You're saying, isn't that man strong?
10:26How does he do it?
10:28Well, I'll tell you how I do it.
10:30It's all done with good, clean living
10:32and practice.
10:34Oh, ever since I was 15, I've practiced
10:36picking up women.
10:42You all right?
10:44Oh, thank you, sir.
10:46Oh, not at all. What can we do to repay you?
10:48Oh, I shall think of something.
10:52Or the other. Probably the other.
10:54Yes.
10:56I am called...
10:58I am called Latitia.
11:04Well, I don't wonder, I must say.
11:08Your parents had foresight, didn't they?
11:10Yes.
11:12And this is my sister.
11:14Oh, what a damn shame.
11:16Oh, yes.
11:18They didn't give her a name?
11:20No. Well, it would have been rather pointless, wouldn't it?
11:22Yes. Well, never mind.
11:24I'll call you before and after.
11:26Oh, she moved.
11:28I was just saying, dear,
11:30they didn't share out things very well
11:32in your family, did they? Oh, dear.
11:34She's short on
11:36conversation, too, isn't she?
11:38Sister, this noble gentleman
11:40has saved us. Can you not
11:42show your gratitude?
11:44Oh, it's not...
11:48God, she nearly had me penny off, say.
11:50It's always the quiet
11:52ones who are worst, isn't it?
11:54If we had a bath, would we
11:56please you, then? A bath? Well,
11:58I think you probably might, yes.
12:00Oh, God. Wait a minute!
12:02They're a couple of ravers,
12:04aren't they? Look. Go upstairs,
12:06you'll find the bathroom at the top of the stairs.
12:08Yes, you can't miss it. The door is marked
12:10a WC.
12:12No, my la-ha-ha.
12:14Don't show your ignorance, please.
12:16It means it's the Roman for
12:18Washium Closestatorium.
12:20Oh, of course,
12:22sister.
12:24Oh, I hate to ask such a
12:26noble gentleman as yourself... Ah,
12:28not at all. ...to perform such
12:30menial tasks. Ah, do, do.
12:32But at home, we had so many
12:34servants, you see. Servants, yes.
12:36Yes. Well, we've never had to bathe
12:38ourselves.
12:40You mean
12:42that you want me to, um...
12:44serve? Oh, would you?
12:46Well, I could force myself,
12:48I dare say.
12:50Thank you. Not at all. You see, we don't
12:52fancy going all the way to the public baths.
12:54Oh, no, especially when you
12:56can go all the way here.
12:58Oh,
13:00I hope you've got your loofer.
13:06Oh, yes, and it's
13:08scarcely been used, I know.
13:12Oh, diddy.
13:14Marvellous, isn't it? I'm here alone
13:16on my own for the weekend, all alone!
13:18And what happens?
13:20Bingo!
13:22Not one, but two.
13:24Because it's always the way, isn't it? It's like cloak rooms,
13:26isn't it? If you don't want one,
13:28you see hundreds. It's always the way.
13:30Gooey!
13:32Gooey! We're ready!
13:34I'm coming up now!
13:38Oh, yes.
13:40And where do you think you're going?
13:42Look,
13:44I'm not taking you up there with me.
13:46I'll tell you what happens when I
13:48come down again
13:50next week.
13:52Lurkio! Lurkio!
13:54Oh, no! Oh, it's the master's young son.
13:56Oh, Lurkio,
13:58there you are. This is Nauseus, my master's
14:00young son. Oh, a strange boy.
14:02Oh, he's a strange boy.
14:04Never mind. Master,
14:06why are you not in ballet school?
14:08Oh, I couldn't stand it any more, Lurkio.
14:10You've strung up. Well, it's wearing those silly
14:12tights. Oh, Lurkio,
14:14the most marvellous thing happened on my way home.
14:16Yes? I did something I've never done
14:18before. Well, well, yes,
14:20but it was bound to happen in the end.
14:22Now, don't worry. Don't worry about it.
14:24Your hair won't drop out or anything. You're all right.
14:26Oh, no, Lurkio, I rescued
14:28two maidens in distress. You didn't.
14:30I did. You did.
14:32They were being transported in a cage to the galley
14:34ship. Yes. And what do you think? What do I think?
14:36I let them out. You didn't.
14:38I did. You did? Yes.
14:40You were the one who saw their predicament.
14:42In a flash. Oh, a quick flash.
14:44Yes, yes. Oh, Lurkio,
14:46they were so beautiful. I wanted to
14:48write an ode to them on the spot.
14:50You didn't. I didn't. You did.
14:52Oh, yes, yes, I did. Sometimes
14:54I wonder why we have them in the show.
14:56That's why. Oh, yes, that's why.
14:58Would you excuse me? May I
15:00errate... Oh, I'll say it again.
15:02It was nastily said. May I
15:04errate this ode
15:06to the assembled yobbos?
15:10Ode to chastity.
15:14Belt up.
15:16I saw them like two
15:18birds in a cage, beset
15:20by jeers and snickers.
15:22Oh, yes.
15:26I let them out and watched them fly
15:28and saw right up
15:30into the
15:32clear blue yonder.
15:36I can't think of a rhyme there.
15:38In that case, you're the only one who can't,
15:40I'll tell you that.
15:42What was that?
15:44That's a dove. Ready.
15:46A talking dove.
15:48Oh, Lurkio, I feel so hot, I think I'll go
15:50and have a bath. Oh, no, no, master, no, no, you can't have a bath.
15:52I mean, not when you're hot. Your hair will drop out.
15:54Well, I'll just have a quick plunge.
15:56Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. No, no, master.
15:58No, master.
16:00Now, you... Oh, ah!
16:02I'm glad you reminded me. Here are those two maidens.
16:04You know those two maidens you rescued?
16:06Were they sisters?
16:08As alike as two peas in a pod.
16:10Yeah, one old pea's ever old pod.
16:12They have been recaptured.
16:14Recaptured and taken back to the slave trader.
16:16Oh, no, I must do something about it.
16:18Yes, go on. I must go and help them.
16:20Yes, good.
16:22That's him out of the way for a couple of hours.
16:24Coo-ee. Coo-ee.
16:26Are you coming?
16:28Yes.
16:30Just getting me loofer out.
16:34I may as well look as if I mean business.
16:38Steady, steady,
16:40or then I could dismount.
16:42Oh, no, has the master's come back again?
16:44Oh, the silly old fool.
16:46He mustn't come back in here.
16:48Oh, dear.
16:52The prologue.
16:54It came to pass
16:56that the sirens
16:58were wailing.
17:00And here he is, the lone ranger.
17:04Mercio. Yes, master.
17:06What are you doing here?
17:08Oh, the prologue, master.
17:10I sent you away for the weekend.
17:12Oh, well, I thought I'd just stay here for the weekend
17:14and do a couple of odd jobs
17:16around the house.
17:18Oh, dear, dear.
17:20Master, aren't you supposed to be away on business?
17:22A business trip away.
17:24No, no, no, all that fell through, you see.
17:26Now, what are you doing with that?
17:28Um, exercising it.
17:30Get it away, it's upsetting.
17:32Oh, yes, yes.
17:34Look, Mercio, I wanted to be here alone this weekend.
17:36Alone?
17:38Ah, yes, but not in your own house, surely.
17:40Oh, I thought I might dig up an old girlfriend.
17:44Oh, well, that's a good idea. Let's go and find a spade.
17:48Remember, you haven't seen me this weekend.
17:50Haven't seen you?
17:52No, I didn't come back.
17:54I didn't come back till Monday.
17:56Oh, I see.
17:58Master, are you trying to bribe me
18:00with money?
18:02Certainly not.
18:04I wouldn't insult such a noble and faithful slave.
18:06Oh, don't worry, master, I'm used to being insulted.
18:08You should have seen some of the letters
18:10we got in after our last series.
18:12No, no, no, I wouldn't dream of it now.
18:14You put away my mount
18:16and I'll go and freshen up
18:18and have a hot bath.
18:20Yes, I'll put... No, master, no!
18:22Oh, you don't want a bath, a hot bath?
18:24No, you know how limp it makes you.
18:26Yes, perhaps you're right.
18:28Yes.
18:30I'll have a cold bath.
18:32Oh, no, no, no, master, don't climb all those stairs.
18:34Let's face it, you want to conserve
18:36your energy, don't you?
18:38And we know what for, don't we?
18:40Yes, master.
18:42Even if we don't know what with.
18:44Oh, dear.
18:46It's all the
18:48lecherous old ludicrous.
18:50I knew there was an orgy in the offing.
18:52He's been working up to it for months.
18:54Oh, dear. Now, I mustn't leave him
18:56in that house alone for long. Where's the mount?
18:58Come on, love. You're going home now.
19:00Come on, then. That's the way.
19:02You all right? Come on, then, this way.
19:04Come on, then. Here we are. Come on, hurry up.
19:06Come on. That's it.
19:08What are you stopping for?
19:10Don't... Oh, don't... What are you stopping...
19:12Oh, dear.
19:14Oh, not here, old dear.
19:22The damn thing's got stage fright.
19:28Master, master, I have...
19:30Where's he gone?
19:32Jumping Jupiter.
19:34Would you believe it?
19:36I might have known he's found it.
19:38Like a camel to water.
19:40Look here.
19:42Oh, Master.
19:44Oh, look here.
19:46Oh, I know what you're going to say, Master.
19:48Oh, so this is
19:50what you get up to when I'm away, eh?
19:52I've been a naughty slave, Master.
19:54Oh, and two of them as well.
19:56Two. Two, Master, yes.
19:58What a good thing I came back
20:00when I did.
20:02You mean you aren't angry, Master?
20:04Oh, no, of course I'm not angry.
20:06Very dutiful of you to find one for me as well.
20:08Ah, well, I always try to do
20:10my duty, Master, one for you.
20:12Yes. They're a very beautiful pair.
20:14Oh, definitely. Yes, they are.
20:16Especially one.
20:18Yes, mine.
20:20No, no, no. The one with the
20:22mine. Yes, I knew it.
20:24I mean, for a flat evening, I thought...
20:28Tell me, Lurk you,
20:30where did you find them?
20:32Well, it was very funny. You see, they were being transported
20:34in a cage to this slave
20:36trader's galley.
20:38Not Thelonious, the slave trader?
20:40Yes. Oh, Lurk you,
20:42if he finds them up there,
20:44he'll cut our throats
20:46from ear to ear. Oh, and ear to there, yes.
20:48You must get rid of them
20:50immediately. Get rid of them?
20:52But what about my big
20:54night out and everything? I'm going out
20:56and when I come back,
20:58I want to find them. Gone.
21:00Gone. Oh,
21:02oh, dear. To think that
21:04my poor slave had it almost
21:06in my grasp.
21:14So once again,
21:16my dreams are turned to dust.
21:18Once again,
21:20my loofah must
21:22go back into cold storage.
21:26Once more, the hot fires
21:28of hope turn to the cold
21:30ashes of despair.
21:32Once more.
21:40Well, shut up!
21:44Well, I mean, they're spoiling it,
21:46aren't they?
21:48I don't know where I am now, you see.
21:50I'm flummoxed. So it was a
21:52lovely thing, this, wasn't it?
21:54I mean, this is pathos.
21:56The critics always want a bit of pathos.
21:58When I do this, I think you'll find
22:00this very pathetic.
22:06Oh, can a poor slave
22:08mere taste one moment of bliss?
22:10Are you gods?
22:12Is there nothing you can
22:14give me? Nothing at all?
22:20That bloody donkey again.
22:24But I don't understand, Mother.
22:26What have we come back for?
22:28I know your father. He's no more on a
22:30business trip than I am.
22:32What is he doing, then? That's what I intend
22:34to find out. I can't stand
22:36infidelity.
22:38Do you want a litre any more, Madame?
22:40A litre? Oh, no, thank you. There's a gentleman
22:42picking me up later. Thank you, Madame.
22:46Yes, come. You're sure they're the ones we're after?
22:48I'm sure. And they're in there.
22:50Right. You inside.
22:52Now that we've got them in our power, we can
22:54teach them a lesson. Oh.
22:56There's going to be a whip round.
23:00Oh. Oh, I can't.
23:02Look, I can't. No, honestly, I can't. You
23:04watch and tell me what happens, will you?
23:06I'm too soft-hearted. I really am.
23:08Who are you? Shut up and come
23:10quietly and everything will be all right.
23:12Why? Where are you taking me? Oh, back to the
23:14ship, of course. Oh. Oh, help!
23:16Help! Oh, don't be silly, Erotica.
23:18How can we poor, defenceless women
23:20fight against such strong,
23:22large, muscular... Suddenly I feel
23:24completely helpless.
23:28Oh, back to the ship.
23:30Yeah, back to the ship.
23:32Have they gone?
23:34Have they gone, all those
23:36poor, young girls?
23:38I feel so sorry for them.
23:40It's a shame, it really is. I can hardly...
23:42I'm so moved, I can hardly speak.
23:44Sad, isn't it?
23:46The woman here crying her eyes out.
23:48It's all right, love. Don't worry. We're only acting
23:50to you, that's all.
23:52Lurkio. Yes, Master. Have they gone?
23:54Yes, Master, they've gone. Oh, pity,
23:56pity. Yes, pity, pity,
23:58bang, bang, yes.
24:00Well, back to the old
24:02address book, I suppose.
24:04Silly old fool. He doesn't want an address
24:06book, he wants a guide book.
24:08You see, the trouble
24:10is, Lurkio, all the
24:12women I know, they've grown too
24:14old for me.
24:16Did you hear that?
24:18They're too old for him. Too old.
24:20This silly old fool, he's been
24:22treated for dry rot three times.
24:24Do you know he can hardly
24:26stand for the national anthem?
24:28Lurkio, sit down.
24:30Yes. I was wondering if you knew
24:32any ladies who might...
24:34Any might? Yes, let me think.
24:36Um... Oh, yes.
24:38Oh, no, I just remembered.
24:40They moved to Lesbos. Ah.
24:42Now... Well, here we are.
24:44Yes, I shan't keep you a minute.
24:46Oh, sorry. It's all right, not to worry.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:50What are you doing back here?
24:52What do you mean, back here? We've been here
24:54all the time. Lurkio!
24:56I thought... I thought you said
24:58Polonius had taken them back.
25:00Well, they must have taken the wrong couple.
25:02How could they? There was nobody else here.
25:04Well, I mean, they could... Ah!
25:06Master, aren't those the mistress's
25:08baggage? That's
25:10Erotica's. Yes. No, no. Lurkio.
25:12What? You don't think...
25:14Yes, I do think. Oh.
25:16Well, they're bound to
25:18find out they've taken the wrong one
25:20sooner or later. Yes. Preferably
25:22later. Yes.
25:24After all, it's lovely weather for a nice
25:26sea excursion, isn't it? Yes.
25:28They'll enjoy it. Yes, of course they will. Yes.
25:30Yes, not to mention us.
25:32There's really nothing
25:34we can do for a day or two. Yeah, well,
25:36you speak for yourself, Master.
25:38That arranges that, then,
25:40Lurkio, eh? Go on,
25:42warm things up, get some wine.
25:44All right, Master. Yes, yes.
25:46Now, aren't you lucky?
25:48Because you have a choice of viewing.
25:50You can either watch him
25:52and her, or her and me.
25:54And I know
25:56which one I'd watch.
25:58Because after all, I'm the one that's desirable.
26:04You!
26:06Yes, dear. Stop that disgusting
26:08behaviour at once. Yes, dear.
26:10Oh, I knew it, I knew it,
26:12as soon as my back is turned.
26:14I can explain, dear. And I am
26:16waiting.
26:18Now, this will warm you up.
26:22You stay here, Lurkio. Yes, Mistress.
26:24Well, Ludacris, I'm waiting for your
26:26explanation. What are these girls doing
26:28here? Yes, dear, well,
26:30yes, Lurkio,
26:32what are they doing here?
26:34I can't remember.
26:36Can't you be persuaded to remember?
26:38Ah, now
26:40I remember. Yes, Mistress,
26:42your husband is a very courageous
26:44man. What? Yes,
26:46Mistress. Why, on his way
26:48to a business appointment this morning,
26:50he saw these two maidens being transported
26:52into the cage to a slave trader.
26:54Traders! And without
26:56any thought of his own safety,
26:58he rescued them.
27:00A helpless thing. Yes, yes. I see.
27:02But why was he sitting with his arms
27:04around them? Ah, yes.
27:06Of course, that's difficult.
27:08Very difficult.
27:10Oh, much more difficult
27:12than that. But
27:14easy to explain.
27:16You see, those poor maidens,
27:18in their extremity,
27:20wanted someone to turn to for
27:22help and kindliness. They couldn't turn
27:24to me, being a mere slave,
27:26you see, unlustful and
27:28desirable.
27:30Didn't they?
27:32So, instead, they turned to your husband,
27:34who is virtuous,
27:36and, as you know, passed it.
27:38That I can believe.
27:40Good. What? I've been
27:42searching for them everywhere, but...
27:44Oh, they're here. My little birds.
27:46Your little what? My little birds.
27:48The ones I rescued from the ship. I see.
27:50Oh, look here, look here.
27:52Oh, young master, you mustn't call your
27:54sister and your mother birds.
27:56Oh, I didn't mean that. Of course you did.
27:58No, I didn't. Yes, you did.
28:00Didn't he, master? Of course he did. Yes, that's right.
28:02Go on, get outside. Go on, master.
28:04Go on. You know what you meant.
28:06You naughty meaner, you. You did.
28:08Now, go and get the donkey's oats.
28:10By the look of it, it's the only one
28:12who'll get some today.
28:14Well, at any rate, I got some money from
28:16the master, me old skinflint.
28:18Ha-ha. Would you believe it?
28:20Look at that. Olympic medals.
28:24Not even bronze, only tin.
28:26Would you believe it? All that work
28:28for nothing, I don't know.
28:30Oh, do. Let's do what I know
28:32best. The prologue.
28:36Oh, dear. Even me own
28:38loof was turned against me.
28:40Never mind. Now,
28:42it came to pass...
28:44Woo, woo, and thrice
28:46woo. Oh, I knew I shouldn't
28:48have mentioned the word oats.
28:50The time has come. The end
28:52is here. She is righteth.
28:54She is absolutely right. The end is
28:56here. Oh, well, all I hope
28:58is my experience with these
29:00two girls has taught you
29:02a lesson. Because...
29:04Ahem. In the
29:06words...
29:08Please, would you shut your gobs.
29:10In the words of the poet
29:12Plautus, he transere
29:14annusium contitima
29:16boobiscum.
29:20Which loosely translated
29:22means, never be sure of
29:24the bird in your plate until you've got
29:26your fork stuck into it.
29:28Salute!
29:30APPLAUSE
29:58APPLAUSE