Dead in a Week Or Your Money Back
After another failed attempt to commit suicide, hapless writer William addresses the services of hired assassin Leslie, the inexorable angel of death from the Killers Guild, an organization that is ready to help anyone who needs a quick and painless death. Leslie has a good heart, but an unsteady hand. The authorities want to retire him, and the contract that has turned up is the only chance to postpone the inevitable. However, the case intervenes in the fortuity. The fate suddenly smiled to William: he falls in love.
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Short filmTranscript
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00:01:27I can push you if you want.
00:01:28Jesus!
00:01:29Fuck!
00:01:33You should be careful, you could kill yourself.
00:01:37Can I watch?
00:01:39You can't stop me.
00:01:40No, I wouldn't try.
00:01:44Can I ask why you're doing this?
00:01:46I mean, jumping off a bridge.
00:01:48Look, I don't mean to be rude, but can you, you know...
00:01:54Oh, sure, sure, yes, yes.
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00:02:07♪♪
00:02:13Are you going to be long?
00:02:15Oh, you've ruined the mood!
00:02:17I'm here to help you.
00:02:19Okay, you can help me by leaving me alone.
00:02:22I can make it a lot easier.
00:02:25No?
00:02:27Well, it's your death.
00:02:30Here, I've got a card.
00:02:33There you are.
00:02:35If you need any help...
00:02:36Look, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but...
00:02:44I'm past help.
00:02:47Yes, well...
00:02:50Good luck.
00:02:57♪♪
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00:03:52And you didn't look down.
00:03:54I had my eyes shut.
00:03:56In a way, you're very unlucky.
00:04:01What prompted this time?
00:04:04Must be something.
00:04:06You can tell me.
00:04:08Our lives are a futile struggle to make sense of the senseless.
00:04:13Oh, William.
00:04:15You can see my predicament.
00:04:18One of my lifeguards is suicidal.
00:04:21That's hardly reassuring.
00:04:22I'm really trying to understand, William.
00:04:30You're not the only one with problems, you know.
00:04:32Yeah, the world is shit.
00:04:35But if you stare all day at the shit, then there's no wonder you can only see shit.
00:04:40The trick is to find something that makes it appear bearable.
00:04:44Got your gun in your mouth, your finger on the trigger, but you think...
00:04:48I've never eaten a Twix.
00:04:50What?
00:04:51It's about finding something to distract you from the terrible reality.
00:04:56Like this job.
00:04:58I work in a ledger centre.
00:04:59You're a lifeguard!
00:05:01What could be more important than saving people's lives?
00:05:04But when did I last save someone?
00:05:06Last year, Mrs Richards.
00:05:08She was in the shallow end.
00:05:09She was in distress.
00:05:11She could put her feet down.
00:05:12But she didn't.
00:05:14She was panicking.
00:05:15That's the problem, William.
00:05:18Besides your questionable attitude...
00:05:22You need to be here.
00:05:26I don't think you're suited to this profession.
00:05:30We have to let you go.
00:05:33Think of this as a good thing.
00:05:35Now you can concentrate on your job.
00:05:38I'm sorry.
00:05:40I'm sorry.
00:05:42I'm sorry.
00:05:43Now you can concentrate on your writing.
00:06:13Fuck.
00:06:43Fuck.
00:07:13Fuck.
00:07:34Thank you for calling NRG Gas and Electrical Supplies.
00:07:38If you've been disconnected due to an unpaid bill, please press 1.
00:07:42Yes, I was away.
00:07:45No, I was hoping it would be permanent.
00:07:49No, I wasn't trying...
00:08:06You're cold and you're old.
00:08:11You're over and you're down.
00:08:17Friends you have chosen.
00:08:23Ties you have woven.
00:08:29No longer hold you.
00:08:32I'll be around.
00:08:42Thank you.
00:08:55Mr. O'Neil?
00:09:06Mr. O'Neil?
00:09:08I said 11 o'clock.
00:09:10It's now seven minutes past.
00:09:14Yes, sorry.
00:09:18You said we could discuss some options.
00:09:20I said we should meet at 11.
00:09:23I dare say it's this casual attitude to arrangements that has led to your current predicament.
00:09:32Tea?
00:09:33Sorry. Yes, thank you.
00:09:35Sorry.
00:09:36You're not what I imagined.
00:09:40Meet many assassins, do you?
00:09:43It's just I never pictured a polo neck.
00:09:46What's wrong with a polo neck? My wife got it for me.
00:09:49What should I be wearing?
00:09:50I don't know.
00:09:51Cardigan?
00:09:52No, hitmen don't wear cardigans.
00:09:55Well, I'm so sorry. I'm not living up to your expectations.
00:10:04Are you sure you're up to this?
00:10:10Let me tell you something.
00:10:12I've killed more people than you've had hot baths.
00:10:15I am the angel of death.
00:10:17I am Abaddon the Destroyer.
00:10:20I'm a one-man euthanasia clinic.
00:10:22Only with me, you don't have to go to Switzerland.
00:10:27Ever been to Switzerland?
00:10:29No.
00:10:30No, you never will, if you're serious.
00:10:33I'm serious.
00:10:34I'm serious.
00:10:35Serious enough to own an assassin.
00:10:37That serious enough?
00:10:38How do I know you're really serious and not just saying you're really serious?
00:10:43When we met on the bridge, that wasn't my first time.
00:10:48Go on.
00:10:49It was my seventh.
00:10:51Tenth, if you count the cries for help.
00:10:54I tried hanging.
00:11:00Gassing.
00:11:08Booze and pills.
00:11:16Electrocution.
00:11:21Oh, and I walked into a main road.
00:11:23How did you survive that?
00:11:25I was hit by an ambulance.
00:11:26You couldn't be in better hands.
00:11:28Great.
00:11:30Jesus Christ, you really do need me.
00:11:33I started to worry that I might be immortal.
00:11:36I've never met anyone I couldn't kill.
00:11:39Actually, I wrote a book on the topic.
00:11:43My Many Deaths.
00:11:45It's unpublished.
00:11:47Okay, so, how do you want this to happen?
00:11:51You're not going to garrot me, are you?
00:11:53I don't want to be garrotted.
00:11:55What makes you think that?
00:11:57I'm getting a very strong feeling of garrotting.
00:12:00Is it the Guernica?
00:12:02It's not helping.
00:12:04No garrotting.
00:12:06You have my word.
00:12:10So, what are my options?
00:12:12Here, look.
00:12:14I've got a brochure.
00:12:22So, you just hang around bridges,
00:12:26trying to find clients?
00:12:29Bridges, cliffs, tall buildings, usual places.
00:12:33Killing yourself is a lot harder than people think.
00:12:36Tell me about it.
00:12:38There's not much work for a conventional hitman these days.
00:12:42All those Eastern Europeans taking our jobs.
00:12:45But I had to meet my quota somehow,
00:12:47so you came along just at the right time, as it happens.
00:12:53What about this one?
00:12:55Ah, the hero's death.
00:12:57This, this would be perfect.
00:13:00Killed, saving the life of a child.
00:13:03A beautiful nurse, crying over my bloodied body.
00:13:09A small crowd gathered.
00:13:11Maybe they're clapping.
00:13:13Do you know a beautiful nurse?
00:13:15No.
00:13:16Do you have access to a small child?
00:13:18No.
00:13:20Well, I'm not saying I can't do it,
00:13:22but there's a lot of admin involved,
00:13:25and it's not cheap. What's your budget?
00:13:27Well, I've got around two grand.
00:13:29Two thousand.
00:13:31I wouldn't reverse over you in a Ford Fiesta for that money.
00:13:37Well, what can you do?
00:13:46Quick and painless.
00:13:49Right.
00:13:51And even then, I'm doing you a deal.
00:13:53For two grand, it's usually quick but painful.
00:13:57How?
00:13:58Well, I'd shoot you.
00:14:00From a distance. One shot. You'd never see it coming.
00:14:09Okay. Deal.
00:14:11Excellent.
00:14:13Here we go. Standard contract.
00:14:16Name?
00:14:17William Morrison.
00:14:18Address?
00:14:19Flat 3, 27 Drake Street.
00:14:21Reason for wanting death?
00:14:25Why do you want to die? Is it, um...
00:14:28terminal illness? Money problems?
00:14:33Do you ever wonder what's the point?
00:14:37Frequently.
00:14:38What's the point of me?
00:14:40Why am I here?
00:14:42What am I contributing?
00:14:44I think that all the time.
00:14:48Over and over and over.
00:14:52And I want to switch my brain off, but...
00:14:54It builds until it becomes unbearable.
00:14:57It's like my brain is on fire, like it's burning from the inside,
00:15:01and I want it to stop, to feel nothing.
00:15:05I've never talked to anyone about this.
00:15:08We're already dying.
00:15:10Just very slowly.
00:15:12Life is one long terminal...
00:15:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:15Look, look. Very small box. I'll write cancer.
00:15:18Okay.
00:15:20All right.
00:15:21Okay.
00:15:24All right.
00:15:25Sign here.
00:15:29Excellent.
00:15:33Well, congratulations.
00:15:36You've just signed your own death warrant.
00:15:40When will it happen?
00:15:42Oh, any time within a week of the money clearing our account.
00:15:45All the money up front?
00:15:46Well, we can't get it afterwards, can we?
00:15:48Well, how do I know this isn't a scam?
00:15:51Do you have any references?
00:15:53Well, I could give you a list of graves you can visit.
00:15:56You pay the money into an escrow account run by the British Guild of Assassins,
00:16:00and the money isn't transferred to me until after your death.
00:16:03And if you're not dead within a week, you get your money back.
00:16:07Guild of Assassins?
00:16:09I've never heard of it.
00:16:11We don't advertise.
00:16:13And word of mouth is limited.
00:16:15What's it like, a union?
00:16:17No, we're not bus drivers.
00:16:19It's a cooperative, bound by a strict code of conduct.
00:16:23An assassin is not just a man with a gun.
00:16:26We're not murderers.
00:16:28We're professionals.
00:16:30And what do I do?
00:16:32Do what you normally do.
00:16:34Just don't hide in a cupboard for a week.
00:16:36I don't mind. I'll kill you anyway, but you'll regret it.
00:16:41Okay.
00:16:45Right.
00:16:48You seem like a decent man.
00:16:50I'm very happy to kill you.
00:16:52I'm very happy to die.
00:17:11Hello?
00:17:13Yes, it's Leslie.
00:17:16Hello, Les.
00:17:18Hi, Wendy. I need to register this contract.
00:17:29Look at that.
00:17:31Well done, you.
00:17:33Just in time.
00:17:36Those assisted suicides were a great idea.
00:17:39He just needs to transfer the money. He seems keen.
00:17:42Depressed, was he?
00:17:43A writer. Unpublished.
00:17:46That's the trouble with some people.
00:17:48They think too much.
00:17:50Is Harvey in?
00:17:52They're all at the conference.
00:17:54Didn't you get the newsletter?
00:17:56It's today and tomorrow.
00:17:58They're staying at a hotel in Egham.
00:18:02Here's the schedule.
00:18:08Buffet lunch.
00:18:10So, have you got the Ruger Precision?
00:18:14No, Leslie. I'm sorry that's out at the moment.
00:18:17Got plenty of handguns.
00:18:20Glock 17.
00:18:22Let me just get that for you.
00:18:33Ammunition's in the case.
00:18:35Can I have it back by Thursday?
00:18:37Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
00:18:40Have you still got the Browning?
00:18:41No, no. I brought it back last week.
00:18:44You're saying it's still out?
00:18:48Where is it, then?
00:18:58Les!
00:19:00Did you get the Worcester sauce?
00:19:02Oh.
00:19:03Oh, Leslie.
00:19:04Well, I'll go now.
00:19:06No, no. It's not essential.
00:19:08Well, I'm sorry.
00:19:09Just be a bit bland.
00:19:11Well, I will go.
00:19:13No, you're home now. Don't worry.
00:19:15I'll add some Bovril.
00:19:24Hello, boys.
00:19:26How are you today?
00:19:28So, what's wrong with you?
00:19:30You all right?
00:19:33I thought we could have it on trays.
00:19:39It's all right.
00:19:55Bland?
00:19:57Delicious.
00:20:00I don't know how I'm going to finish this in time for the Southern Countess.
00:20:05What was I thinking?
00:20:07You'll get it done.
00:20:09Enthusiastic eaters.
00:20:12But meals take up a sizable proportion of the day.
00:20:17It's a constant cycle.
00:20:20Yep.
00:20:22Bland.
00:20:31My...
00:20:33life...
00:20:34was...
00:20:36long...
00:20:38enough...
00:20:39and...
00:20:41full...
00:20:42of...
00:20:43distress.
00:20:45Unlike...
00:20:46my...
00:20:47death...
00:20:49which was...
00:20:50quick...
00:20:52and...
00:20:54pain...
00:20:55less.
00:21:07I'm sorry.
00:21:25This one goes the whole way round.
00:21:28120 nights.
00:21:30Imagine.
00:21:31Wouldn't that be incredible?
00:21:34This place is here I've never even heard of.
00:21:37Nu Ku Al Offa.
00:21:40Nu Ku Al Offa.
00:21:43It's in Tonga.
00:21:45And they've got an offer on if you book early.
00:21:47Listen, love, about that...
00:21:49Oh, Les.
00:21:51You said this year.
00:21:53You said that you were going to retire this year and we could go round the world.
00:21:56No, I said I would think about retiring.
00:21:58Well, I've thought about it and I've...
00:22:00I've decided I'm...
00:22:01I've decided I'm...
00:22:02I'm not ready.
00:22:04I mean, don't worry, the world will still be there next year.
00:22:07But will we, Leslie?
00:22:09You should be enjoying life, not working yourself into an early grave.
00:22:12I love my work.
00:22:14And what about Harvey?
00:22:16I thought he wanted to give more work to the youngsters.
00:22:18Well, he can do what he likes. I've already fulfilled his stupid quota.
00:22:21You have?
00:22:22Yes. The money just needs to be transferred, that's all.
00:22:26At least you can be happy for me.
00:22:32And they cover huge territories looking for food and water.
00:22:36Of course, people have kept birds and pets for many thousands of years...
00:22:42Leslie O'Neill?
00:22:44Mr. O'Neill?
00:22:45Yeah?
00:22:46It's William.
00:22:47Morrison now.
00:22:48I've transferred the money.
00:22:50But, um...
00:22:52Well, um...
00:22:53I have a few things I want to do first,
00:22:55so I was wondering if you could give me a rough idea in terms of timescale.
00:23:00William, this isn't a good time.
00:23:03I'm at work.
00:23:04What?
00:23:05Right now?
00:23:06What, you're going to kill someone right now?
00:23:10Wait, it's not me, is it?
00:23:12No, it isn't you.
00:23:14Oh.
00:23:15Bye, William.
00:23:31BOOK IDEA
00:23:43Book idea.
00:23:48An assassin who only kills people who want to die.
00:23:55I was hoping it would be you.
00:23:57Have a nice day.
00:24:00He holds death in his hand
00:24:02and delivers it with the precision of a surgeon.
00:24:06I'm not quite dead.
00:24:08Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Raymond.
00:24:10I'll have another go.
00:24:15Benevolently shuffling lesser beings off their mortal coil.
00:24:19Oh, that's very good, Penny.
00:24:21Oh, thank you, Clive.
00:24:23Well, it will be, if I can get it right.
00:24:25A hard-drinking enigma, single malt his only companion.
00:24:31A man of action and unique skills.
00:24:35Oh, Les?
00:24:37You didn't have anything else?
00:24:42He lies in wait, ready to pounce, stalking his prey
00:24:46with a ruthless efficiency.
00:24:49A master of stealth.
00:24:52You want this?
00:24:53You don't want it?
00:24:54A connoisseur of concealment.
00:24:56Thanks.
00:24:59Moving in the shadows, he sees all but is never seen.
00:25:04The grim reaper, Abaddon the Destroyer.
00:25:08To look at him is to look into the face of death.
00:25:13A lone wolf, Tacitus.
00:25:16What the hell are you doing? I've only been gone about five minutes.
00:25:19No, no, sorry, sir. It's already in the system.
00:25:24Oh, to hell with you and this stupid hat and your stupid scooter.
00:25:29Unknowable.
00:25:33He hasn't chosen this life.
00:25:36It has chosen him.
00:25:55Hello?
00:25:56Oh, is this William Morrison?
00:25:59Yeah.
00:26:00Oh, thank God you're not dead.
00:26:03I'm working on it.
00:26:04Well, that's great. I thought I might be too late.
00:26:07Sorry, who are you?
00:26:11My name is Ellie Adams. I work at Stephen and Sons.
00:26:14The publishers?
00:26:15Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book.
00:26:18What about it?
00:26:19I read it.
00:26:21Really?
00:26:23Really?
00:26:24Yeah.
00:26:25The whole thing?
00:26:26Yeah.
00:26:28You're pretty fucked up.
00:26:30No offence.
00:26:31None taken.
00:26:32I want to set up a meeting with my boss. How's next week?
00:26:37No. No, I can't.
00:26:40Um, anything sooner?
00:26:44Okay. Actually, something's just cancelled tomorrow lunchtime. How's that?
00:26:49Yeah, I should be able to make it.
00:26:52Perfect. Do you know Fantachi's?
00:26:55Yep.
00:26:56One o'clock?
00:26:57Okay.
00:26:58Great. Just please don't kill yourself in the meantime.
00:27:01Or if you do, can you let me know and I'll cancel the table? Thanks.
00:27:14Morning.
00:27:15Morning.
00:27:19Sorry, I was having a sandwich.
00:27:21I just wanted to ask a favour.
00:27:24You're not having second thoughts, are you?
00:27:26No. No, not at all.
00:27:28I just wondered if we could postpone.
00:27:31Postpone?
00:27:32Yes.
00:27:34I had a call from the publishers and they're interested in my book.
00:27:38They wanted a meet next week but I said, absolutely not.
00:27:42So, we're having lunch at one tomorrow at Fantachi's.
00:27:47Do you know it?
00:27:48But, um, you still want to die?
00:27:52Oh, absolutely.
00:27:53Because we have a contract. I mean, you can plead all you like.
00:27:55Lots of people do, but it's non-refundable.
00:27:59You did read the small print.
00:28:01I mean, you're only alive because I haven't killed you yet.
00:28:07It would be a temporary hiatus.
00:28:09It would mean a lot to me.
00:28:13OK. Sure.
00:28:16Thank you. I really appreciate it.
00:28:19All right.
00:28:37Hello, sir. Can I help you?
00:28:39Hello, um, I have a meeting with Ellie Adams.
00:28:46Oh.
00:28:50Ellie?
00:28:52You didn't kill yourself.
00:28:54I managed not to.
00:28:58Brian is on his way.
00:29:00Tell me, you've thought a lot about dying, right?
00:29:06More than most.
00:29:08Would you rather be eaten by sharks or mauled by a bear?
00:29:12Uh, I think sharks.
00:29:17They seem more efficient.
00:29:20I wouldn't recommend lions.
00:29:22I tried jumping into a lion enclosure at the zoo once,
00:29:26but all the lions were asleep.
00:29:28After ten minutes, I had to climb out again.
00:29:33That's funny.
00:29:35Did you know that there are more people killed every year by hippos
00:29:39than lions, sharks and bears combined?
00:29:42I mean, that's an embarrassing way to die.
00:29:46Killed by a hippo?
00:29:50My parents were killed by a hippo.
00:29:53Oh. Sorry.
00:29:55I'm joking. My parents weren't killed by a hippo.
00:29:58Ha, ha, ha.
00:30:00They died in a car crash.
00:30:02So, your book. You're very...
00:30:05...interesting.
00:30:09In a good way.
00:30:13Here comes Brian.
00:30:15Well, turn it from me, sir.
00:30:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:30:23Here comes Brian.
00:30:24Well, turn it from me, he's a fucking moron.
00:30:26In fact, worse, he's an idiot. A big fucking idiot.
00:30:29No, idiot is worse than moron.
00:30:31Idiot is the worst, officially.
00:30:34It's a medical term. Extreme mental retardation.
00:30:38Idiot, imbecile, moron.
00:30:42That's the sequence.
00:30:44Do you know what's after moron?
00:30:47Cretin? No. Cretin is different.
00:30:50Cretin is more of a physical thing.
00:30:53Just do it, will you, or you're both fired.
00:31:02Your mum's not retarded or anything, is she?
00:31:05My mum's dead.
00:31:06Oh, thank God for that. That would have been awkward.
00:31:08This is Brian Bentley, my boss at the company.
00:31:11We love the book.
00:31:13Fucking dark.
00:31:14It's dull, by the way.
00:31:16I wouldn't say that.
00:31:17Admittedly, I haven't read it, but Ellie loves it, says it could be huge.
00:31:20Are you on Twitter?
00:31:21And then, after moron?
00:31:23Oh, the recharge thing.
00:31:24Yeah, that's right, dull.
00:31:28You know, I once had a girlfriend who was dull, officially.
00:31:31We were talking about William's book.
00:31:33Oh, yeah, so look, we want to turn it into a sort of idiot's guide to suicide.
00:31:37What do you think?
00:31:39Not medical idiot, obviously.
00:31:41I mean, I doubt those guys would fucking read.
00:31:43It sounds awful.
00:31:45It's not really what...
00:31:47No, no, Brian meant that we want to use the core of your book
00:31:51to give a personal insight into the world of suicide.
00:31:54Have you really tried to kill yourself seven times?
00:31:57Ten.
00:31:58The kind that cries for help.
00:32:00Jesus, you don't look that disturbed.
00:32:02When Ellie told me about this,
00:32:03I thought you'd be trying to cut your wrist with a bread knife.
00:32:06You know, there's a bravery in your writing
00:32:08to acknowledge that the world's obsession with the banal
00:32:11is actually a distraction from the nagging fear
00:32:13that our existence has no meaning.
00:32:16You know, people, they're discontented and lonely.
00:32:19And I think your book will connect with them.
00:32:22Plus, people love shit that's depressing.
00:32:24Makes them feel better about their own crappy lives.
00:32:27Hey, do you really think you will kill yourself?
00:32:30Rather than...
00:32:31Great.
00:32:32I'm just thinking we could coincide that with a paperback release.
00:32:35What, if he's going to do it anyway?
00:32:37I actually wanted to ask you about posthumous publication.
00:32:42Just hypothetically.
00:32:44We really want to work with you.
00:32:46I'm so pleased that you like my book,
00:32:48but this guide idea, it sounds like a lot of work
00:32:52and I don't have much time at the moment.
00:32:54Killing yourself, keeping you busy?
00:32:56You wouldn't have to do it all yourself.
00:32:58Ellie will be your editor.
00:32:59If that's OK.
00:33:01This is a great opportunity, mate.
00:33:03Once in a lifetime, ironically.
00:33:06This is a chance for you to say what you want and be heard.
00:33:09Yes.
00:33:11What is that exactly?
00:33:13That death is nothing to fear.
00:33:16It's what we all have in common.
00:33:18There is something reassuring in that.
00:33:20Makes me feel less...
00:33:22Adrift.
00:33:29Jesus Christ.
00:33:31I'm not publishing your book just because you need a fucking hug.
00:33:35It's got to sell.
00:33:37That is the problem these days.
00:33:39Everyone feels the need to express every detail of their pathetic lives
00:33:43to remind us of their existence.
00:33:45I tweet, therefore I am.
00:33:47No-one fucking cares!
00:33:50I'd rather shoot myself in the head than have to listen to the opinions...
00:33:53Sorry.
00:33:56I'm bored.
00:34:02William, get down!
00:34:05Have a good death.
00:34:08What are you doing?
00:34:10Cock.
00:34:23I think it's stopped.
00:34:25Aren't you going to thank me?
00:34:27For what?
00:34:29It just saved your life.
00:34:31I'm having mixed feelings about that.
00:34:35Jesus, poor Brian.
00:34:38You think he's dead?
00:34:40Half his face was missing.
00:34:44There goes my book deal.
00:34:48You smoke?
00:34:50I don't think anyone smoked anymore.
00:34:54You know this is a non-smoking restaurant?
00:34:57I don't think they'll care.
00:35:06Fuck.
00:35:25Leslie?
00:35:27Hello, love.
00:35:30What is it?
00:35:33Oh, it's nothing.
00:35:35After 36 years of marriage, I think I know something when I see it.
00:35:42Well, I...
00:35:44I made a terrible mistake at work.
00:35:47Oh, Les.
00:35:49Don't worry.
00:35:51Everyone makes mistakes.
00:35:54Not me.
00:35:55Not like this.
00:35:58Harvey's going to kill me.
00:36:00Oh, I'm sure he'll understand.
00:36:04I mean, it's not like anyone died, is it?
00:36:12I'll put the kettle on.
00:36:16You'll never guess who else has entered her cushion into the southern counties.
00:36:20Who?
00:36:21Only Moorike Effig-Bleasdale.
00:36:23Who's that?
00:36:25Moorike Effig-Bleasdale.
00:36:27Who's Moorike Bleasdale?
00:36:29Who's Moorike Bleasdale?
00:36:31She's only the best needle crafter in the home counties.
00:36:34She's won everything. There's no way I'll beat her.
00:36:37Yes, you will.
00:36:39I knew I shouldn't have done a cushion.
00:36:41I'm out of my comfort zone.
00:36:43I would have thought a cushion would make it more comfortable.
00:36:46This is not a joke, Leslie.
00:36:48Moorike Bleasdale.
00:36:50Not to mention Sue Simmons and Clive.
00:36:52Don't forget Clive.
00:36:54He won a race last year.
00:36:56That was just local.
00:36:58This is the southern counties.
00:37:00As I say, it's not about winning.
00:37:03And like I say, it is about winning.
00:37:07I'm not cross-stitching a cushion for 30 hours to come unplaced.
00:37:13You are better than Moorike Bleasdale, Sue Simmons and Clive.
00:37:20They're really good.
00:37:22You are better.
00:37:25Thank you.
00:37:31What are you doing?
00:37:33I'm just checking something.
00:37:38Now, tell me what happened at work and what I can do to help.
00:37:44No, that's all right, lover.
00:37:46I thought it myself.
00:37:49To miss once was unlucky.
00:37:52To miss again, unthinkable.
00:37:58Since signing the contract, his problems hadn't seemed so bad.
00:38:04Except one.
00:38:06And that could happen at any moment.
00:38:19Hi.
00:38:21How do you know where I live?
00:38:23It was on your manuscript.
00:38:35I thought we could start work on your book.
00:38:38I'm sorry.
00:38:40I don't have time.
00:38:42I've got to go.
00:38:45I thought we could start work on your book.
00:38:48And I thought...
00:38:49I've got nothing else on.
00:38:51One compassionate leave.
00:38:54You know, for the trauma.
00:38:58Can I have one?
00:39:02Are you...
00:39:04What?
00:39:06Traumatised?
00:39:11Oh, yeah.
00:39:14Totally.
00:39:15Yeah, I mean, a man was shot right in front of us.
00:39:19That's gonna...
00:39:20Obviously, that's, you know...
00:39:23Well, I probably will get promoted now, so...
00:39:27Well, he was a total dick.
00:39:29And, I mean, as I said to the police, loads of people wanted him dead.
00:39:36You working on something new?
00:39:38No.
00:39:45You know, my friend does these new writing nights.
00:39:48You should come.
00:39:50There's music, beer.
00:39:54Other fuck-ups.
00:40:00So, how do you want this to work?
00:40:02I mean, I've had some ideas about a structure,
00:40:04but I think we should meet every couple of days,
00:40:06then we can sort of...
00:40:07That sounds great, but I told you, I can't.
00:40:10Of course you can.
00:40:12No, I'm sorry.
00:40:14Do you want to be stuck in this flat your whole life?
00:40:17Look at it, it's no wonder you want to kill yourself.
00:40:19You don't get it.
00:40:20Look, I get that I connected with your book,
00:40:24and I think other people will too.
00:40:27I mean, isn't that what you're looking for?
00:40:29Something to feel less...
00:40:32What did you say?
00:40:34Adrift?
00:40:37But I...
00:40:39What?
00:40:42I have something to tell you.
00:40:45I employed the guy who killed Brian.
00:40:53Why would you employ someone to kill Brian?
00:40:56No, I employed him to kill me,
00:40:59but he missed and killed Brian.
00:41:04What?
00:41:05Well, I wasn't having much luck on my own,
00:41:07so I thought I'd outsource it.
00:41:09Outsource it?
00:41:10You outsource market research,
00:41:13you outsource website design,
00:41:15you don't outsource suicide.
00:41:18I did.
00:41:20What happens now Brian's dead and you're not?
00:41:23I don't know.
00:41:25The contract lasts a week.
00:41:28Great.
00:41:30Well, what about our book?
00:41:32No, you know what?
00:41:33You have to postpone it.
00:41:35Post... what?
00:41:36Call it off. I don't know.
00:41:37Have you got his number?
00:41:38You just... you call him and tell him the deal's off.
00:41:44I think it's a non-refundable kind of thing.
00:41:48I signed the contract.
00:41:50Non-refundable?
00:41:52You've agreed to be killed by a hitman.
00:41:54I doubt it's legally binding.
00:41:56Call him.
00:42:09Shit.
00:42:15Fucking bitch.
00:42:23Um, hello.
00:42:27Hello.
00:42:29How are you?
00:42:32Yes, I'm... I'm...
00:42:34I'm fine.
00:42:36Yes, I'm... I'm...
00:42:38I'm fine.
00:42:40You?
00:42:41Good.
00:42:42Thank you.
00:42:44In fact,
00:42:46I've been thinking
00:42:48and I'm thinking I might want to call it off.
00:42:51What?
00:42:53Sorry about that.
00:42:54But you signed a contract.
00:42:56Yes, I know, but...
00:42:58Look, things have changed.
00:43:00Didn't you read the small print?
00:43:01We've got an agreement.
00:43:03We have a contract.
00:43:04It's not legally binding.
00:43:05Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:43:06Take some responsibility.
00:43:07I'm doing the best I can.
00:43:09I'm one kill away and...
00:43:11and you... you want to call it off?
00:43:14Oh, look, I tell you what.
00:43:16Fuck you.
00:43:20We need to go.
00:43:36No!
00:43:38Oh.
00:43:55Here.
00:43:56What?
00:43:59Oi, what are you...
00:44:00No, I'm sorry.
00:44:01It's already in the system.
00:44:03Oi!
00:44:04Yo.
00:44:05Yo!
00:44:06Where are we going?
00:44:07I know somewhere.
00:44:20Oh, for God's sake.
00:44:34Fuck.
00:45:04Fuck.
00:45:22I'll do wine.
00:45:23You do fire.
00:45:31Hello, Liz.
00:45:34Harvey.
00:45:37So we're in a bit of shit here.
00:45:39Harvey...
00:45:40You're the source of that shit.
00:45:41You're a shit factory.
00:45:43An incontinent shit factory.
00:45:45But I'm fixing it.
00:45:46How are you doing that?
00:45:48By shooting a traffic warden?
00:45:50That was an accident.
00:45:51You're a real black spot at the moment, aren't you?
00:45:53Wilson the fucking A-14.
00:45:55The problem, Leslie, is that our business is life and death
00:45:58and we can't afford to have accidents.
00:46:00Understand?
00:46:02We're professionals.
00:46:04We don't miss.
00:46:06Who ever heard of an assassin with a shaky hand?
00:46:10You don't see Michael J Fox running around shooting people, do you?
00:46:13And why not?
00:46:14Because he'd be fucking terrible at it.
00:46:16No.
00:46:17Michael J Fox sticks to raising money for his charity.
00:46:20He doesn't even do much acting any more, which is a shame
00:46:23because I'm a big fan of Michael J Fox.
00:46:27Back to the future.
00:46:28Secret of my success.
00:46:31Why mention that? Why bring that up?
00:46:33He's in it.
00:46:34Only the voice. Only the fucking voice.
00:46:37Now, if you'd said Doc Hollywood, I'd agree with you.
00:46:40Teen Wolf?
00:46:41Teen Wolf, exactly.
00:46:43But he doesn't do films any more because he knows he's not up to it.
00:46:47Do you see what I'm saying?
00:46:49Not really.
00:46:50Let me explain.
00:46:52You're done.
00:46:56What do you mean?
00:46:57OK.
00:46:59Now, there's no clearer way I can say this.
00:47:02You are done.
00:47:05You can't fire me.
00:47:06You haven't made up your quota.
00:47:08But I'm only one hit away.
00:47:10Listen, Shaking Stevens, you missed twice.
00:47:13You've had a good run, but as of now...
00:47:24We even got you a present.
00:47:26We even got you a present.
00:47:29Look at that.
00:47:31Fucking lovely.
00:47:36What?
00:47:37For shooting a traffic warden?
00:47:38Oh, come on. No-one gives a fuck about traffic wardens.
00:47:41No. You shot the Womble in the restaurant.
00:47:44This is the reason the Guild was set up
00:47:46and you've jeopardised the entire thing.
00:47:48Rules, regulations, contracts.
00:47:52Without those, you're just a tit with a gun.
00:47:54But the target ducked when I took a shot at him.
00:47:56It could happen to anyone.
00:47:58To be honest, it could have been worse.
00:48:00There was a contract out on a guy you shot anyway.
00:48:03Oh, Jesus, what are the chances?
00:48:05The universe works in ways that people like us will never understand.
00:48:11Brian Bentley.
00:48:14Here. You can read all about it.
00:48:25So, um, if I completed the contract...
00:48:29Don't get cheeky. Pebble was furious when he found out.
00:48:32He just put a deposit on a new car.
00:48:37So, what happens now?
00:48:40You take your zoomer frame
00:48:42and you fuck off into the sunset of retirement.
00:48:45Just don't take up golf. Golf is for cunts.
00:48:48But if I finish this contract, I can make my quota.
00:48:52It's been reassigned.
00:48:56Who to?
00:48:58Ivan.
00:49:00Look at him.
00:49:02Like a fucking bear with alopecia.
00:49:07They're hard-cornered, these Russians.
00:49:09It's a different game now, Liz.
00:49:11You're getting out at the best time.
00:49:13This is what I do. Not anymore.
00:49:15This job means everything to me.
00:49:17Killing people gives me a reason to live.
00:49:19It's a terrible thing getting out, but please, Harvey,
00:49:22I'm begging you, it's so close.
00:49:24This is no way for me to go out.
00:49:26You can't go fucking round fucking shooting people.
00:49:29It's not what we fucking do.
00:49:31What happened to you, Mr One Foot in the fucking grave?
00:49:34You were the best, and now look at you,
00:49:36hanging around, beachy head,
00:49:38handing out your fucking business cards.
00:49:40It's desperate!
00:49:50There's no shame in it.
00:49:52We all get out.
00:49:54Now, take the fucking clock.
00:50:00I'm not taking the clock.
00:50:04Take the fucking clock, Leslie,
00:50:06or you'll find things getting a whole lot fucking worse.
00:50:11No.
00:50:14No.
00:50:35He's become a liability.
00:50:38Someone should shoot him in the fucking head.
00:50:44You.
00:50:48Did you try again?
00:50:51It passed.
00:50:55I've failed to kill myself so many times,
00:50:57I began to think I might be immortal.
00:51:00I guarantee you're not immortal.
00:51:04You're just terrible at dying.
00:51:07I'm not immortal.
00:51:10You're just terrible at dying.
00:51:20Whose house is this?
00:51:24No idea.
00:51:26What?
00:51:28Just really hope they don't come home tonight.
00:51:30What?
00:51:32You can't go breaking into people's houses.
00:51:34Yeah, and you can't go employing an assassin to kill you,
00:51:36but shit happens.
00:51:38I'm sorry, OK?
00:51:42I thought it was the answer,
00:51:44but it was a mistake.
00:51:47Relax, it's my house.
00:51:49I grew up here.
00:51:51It was my parents', but now...
00:51:54it's mine.
00:51:57How did they die?
00:51:59I told you.
00:52:01Car crash.
00:52:04God.
00:52:07I was dead too.
00:52:09For ten seconds.
00:52:12Really?
00:52:14What was it like?
00:52:16It was only ten seconds.
00:52:18Yes, but...
00:52:21what did it feel like?
00:52:25It felt like nothing.
00:52:27Literally nothing.
00:52:29A total empty void.
00:52:31Oh.
00:52:33My parents are dead too.
00:52:37Well, look at us.
00:52:39Two scarred orphans.
00:52:41They were crushed.
00:52:47Crushed?
00:52:50We went for ice cream.
00:52:53My parents were arm and arm.
00:52:57Taking licks of each other's ice creams.
00:53:01Laughing.
00:53:05So much to laugh.
00:53:10They didn't see the piano fall.
00:53:22Mum was splattered all over the pavement.
00:53:27Dad was still alive.
00:53:29Dad! Dad!
00:53:33He looked so...
00:53:36surprised.
00:53:41Hold on, Dad!
00:53:43Come here, son.
00:53:45And I thought...
00:53:47Oh, my God.
00:53:50This is it.
00:53:52At this moment.
00:53:54On the very edge of life.
00:53:57He's about to give me its great secret.
00:54:05But he just...
00:54:07died.
00:54:10That's...
00:54:11That's life's great trick to make you think...
00:54:14it'll last forever.
00:54:16That you might be the exception.
00:54:19That's what's so unbearable.
00:54:22When you realise...
00:54:25that you're not.
00:54:30Let's do it.
00:54:32What?
00:54:34Kill ourselves.
00:54:35What, now?
00:54:36Yeah.
00:54:38Why not?
00:54:41Why are we struggling on?
00:54:43I mean, for what purpose?
00:54:45Best to just kill ourselves now and...
00:54:48get it over with.
00:54:51Stop.
00:54:52Come on!
00:54:58Though, if...
00:54:59there are reasons to live,
00:55:01I'm not sure we'll find them by killing ourselves.
00:55:04It seems counterintuitive.
00:55:06I would think we would have a better chance by living.
00:55:10Living as much as possible.
00:55:12Doing as much as possible.
00:55:15Before piano falls on our heads.
00:55:19But I'm sure you're right.
00:55:21You have thought about it more than me.
00:55:27On three.
00:55:32One.
00:55:36Two.
00:55:39Three.
00:55:49Four.
00:55:51Five.
00:55:53Six.
00:55:55Seven.
00:55:57Eight.
00:55:59Nine.
00:56:01Ten.
00:56:03Eleven.
00:56:05Twelve.
00:56:07Thirteen.
00:56:09Fourteen.
00:56:11Fifteen.
00:56:13Sixteen.
00:56:15Seventeen.
00:56:18I don't want to talk about it.
00:56:20I know you're upset.
00:56:22But it's exciting.
00:56:24The start of the rest of our lives.
00:56:26The start of the end of our lives.
00:56:28Les, that's a bit...
00:56:29I just don't want to talk about it.
00:56:31It's retirement. That's all.
00:56:33But it means I'm useless.
00:56:36Think of all the new experiences waiting for you.
00:56:39You should learn to play golf.
00:56:41Golf is for...
00:56:44I mean, look at this. Look at this. You remember this?
00:56:46You gave this to me Christmas 1997.
00:56:51Look, I was at the top of my game.
00:56:54I had dominion over death itself.
00:56:57And now?
00:56:59I'm just waiting to die.
00:57:02If I don't work, who am I?
00:57:05What am I?
00:57:07I mean, you must look at me sometimes and think,
00:57:10where's the man I married?
00:57:12You're right.
00:57:14You're not the man I married.
00:57:16The man I married didn't wallow in self-pity.
00:57:19He did things on his own terms.
00:57:21I don't want to retire.
00:57:23Not yet. I'm not ready.
00:57:25Oh, for God's sake, then don't.
00:57:29I thought you wanted me to.
00:57:31I do.
00:57:33But not if you're going to be miserable.
00:57:35I want you to want it too.
00:57:37Yeah, but I can't. Harvey is...
00:57:39You've got to show him.
00:57:40Finish the contract and make your quota.
00:57:43Show him you've still got the killer instinct.
00:57:49Done.
00:58:10Could you choose how you wanted to die?
00:58:13With Leslie?
00:58:15Yeah.
00:58:16Yes. There were lots of options.
00:58:19He had a brochure.
00:58:21A brochure?
00:58:23Yeah.
00:58:25And what did you choose?
00:58:27Quick and painless.
00:58:29I didn't want that, but it's all I could afford.
00:58:32What did you want?
00:58:34I wanted to be hit by a truck
00:58:36after pushing a child out of the way.
00:58:40What's wrong with that?
00:58:42It's a bit extravagant.
00:58:44I thought it was heroic.
00:58:46It would mean something.
00:58:48Yeah, but it wouldn't be real, would it?
00:58:50Well...
00:58:51And what if you hadn't got there in time?
00:58:53What do you mean?
00:58:54What if you hadn't got there in time?
00:58:55If you'd misjudged the speed of the truck or something?
00:58:58What, you'd put a child in danger
00:58:59just so you could have your dream death?
00:59:02Well...
00:59:04I guess the child wouldn't be in any real danger.
00:59:07How could the child not be in any real danger
00:59:09if it was about to be hit by a truck?
00:59:13I don't know the details.
00:59:15I guess the truck would be going quite slowly.
00:59:18So you'd be saving a child that's not really in any danger
00:59:21from a truck going quite slowly.
00:59:24On a scale of things that could be considered heroic,
00:59:27I doubt that would score very highly.
00:59:31I don't know.
00:59:33What were the other options?
00:59:36You know, a shot in the head?
00:59:39Strangled? Poisoned?
00:59:42Anything more interesting?
00:59:45Stung by a scorpion?
00:59:48Melted in acid?
00:59:50Drowned in slurry?
00:59:56I've never met anyone like you.
00:59:59You'll see what you could have missed out on.
01:00:02And it only gets better from here.
01:00:10Did you take your pills?
01:00:12You know what the doctor said?
01:00:13I don't want you getting excited.
01:00:15Yes, love, don't worry.
01:00:17What time is Clive coming?
01:00:18We should have been here by now.
01:00:19We have to register by ten.
01:00:22You really think it's up to Southern County's standard?
01:00:25I'm not embarrassing myself?
01:00:26Of course not.
01:00:28I think it's up to national standard.
01:00:30I wish you were coming.
01:00:32I've made you some sandwiches and a flask of tea.
01:00:35And I thought, well, I thought this might come in handy.
01:00:44Penelope O'Neill,
01:00:46I don't think it's possible for me to love you more than I do right now.
01:00:51And you're back tomorrow?
01:00:52Yeah.
01:00:53I'll do lamb cutlets for dinner.
01:00:55Ah, my favourite.
01:00:57Where are you going?
01:00:59To see Clive.
01:01:01Wish me luck.
01:01:02Good luck.
01:01:29Good luck.
01:01:59See you tomorrow, boys.
01:02:30PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:32PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:34PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:36PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:38PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:40PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:41PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:43PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:44PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:46PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:48PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:50PHONE VIBRATES
01:02:52SIGHS
01:02:58Ex World's Strongest Man
01:03:00and Celebrity Budget Fancier, Jeff Hakes,
01:03:03are here to discuss his recessive pines and his...
01:03:10Hello.
01:03:13Very, very good.
01:03:18Thank you.
01:03:31Now, this one, number three, the lovely colour of the scope.
01:03:35Yeah, I'm not sure about this one.
01:03:43Head. Is this on?
01:03:46Head. Yes, that's better.
01:04:05And in third place...
01:04:08number 14,
01:04:10number 14, Sue Simmons.
01:04:13Well done, Sue.
01:04:33And in second place,
01:04:35not quite up to her usual all-conquering standard,
01:04:40Morag, please, Dale.
01:04:42So sorry, Morag.
01:04:44Well done, Morag. Beautiful work.
01:04:46Well done.
01:04:50But as we all know, it's not the taking part,
01:04:53it's the winning that counts.
01:04:58So the winner of this year's Southern Counties Biennial
01:05:02Needlework and Embroidery Competition Cushion Category is...
01:05:07Drumroll, please.
01:05:18Hello, William.
01:05:23How did you...?
01:05:25I told you I was up to the job.
01:05:28But everything has changed. I don't want to die.
01:05:32Oh.
01:05:34The irony is not lost on me.
01:05:37Who are you talking...?
01:05:39Oh. Oh, great.
01:05:41Now I have to kill you both.
01:05:43No, please. She won't say anything.
01:05:46Will you? She won't.
01:05:48I might. No.
01:05:50You won't.
01:05:52OK, well, um...
01:05:54You're definitely dying, so let's get that out of the way first
01:05:57and then I can work out what to do with you.
01:06:00So, um...
01:06:02Have a good death.
01:06:07Oh. Sorry.
01:06:21Jesus, can't you turn it off?
01:06:23Yes, I really have to take this.
01:06:25Sure, go ahead.
01:06:27It's only my life that we're dealing with here.
01:06:31Hello, sweetheart.
01:06:33Yes, er, yeah, I'm sort of in the middle of something.
01:06:36Oh, Les, something terrible's happened.
01:06:38What? Is this about the Southern Counties?
01:06:43We've had a break-in, Les.
01:06:45There's papers everywhere.
01:06:49And, Les...
01:06:51They've killed the butchers.
01:06:53What? Is everything OK?
01:06:57They look like they've been crushed.
01:07:01All right, I have to go.
01:07:03Oh, Les, don't do this.
01:07:05I'll work it out, but, er...
01:07:07I have to go.
01:07:13Someone killed my budgies.
01:07:18Budgies?
01:07:21I'm sorry.
01:07:24So, where were we?
01:07:26Ah, yes.
01:07:44Who the fuck are you?
01:07:46Well, thanks.
01:07:48That guy was going to kill us.
01:07:50Kill us?
01:07:52Oh.
01:07:56What?
01:08:00Now.
01:08:02You shoot yourself.
01:08:04What? Why would I want to do that?
01:08:07I shot her.
01:08:09Don't bring me into this!
01:08:11OK, OK, let's stop.
01:08:13Wait.
01:08:15Why do I have to shoot myself? Why can't you do it?
01:08:21Hmm.
01:08:32For suicide.
01:08:36You shot him, then you shot you.
01:08:40I was never here.
01:08:42Hmm. Yeah, it makes sense.
01:08:44And you let her go?
01:08:46Hmm.
01:08:48I have no incentive if you're going to kill her, any...
01:08:50OK, OK.
01:08:53Wait a minute.
01:08:55You shot him with that gun, so he can't shoot himself with this gun?
01:09:01Yeah.
01:09:03She's got a point.
01:09:06I don't understand.
01:09:08You take this gun, and then you give me that one.
01:09:19OK, now shoot.
01:09:22OK, Jesus, just...
01:09:24Let me...
01:09:26Oh, God.
01:09:28What are you doing?
01:09:30Five.
01:09:32Four.
01:09:34I just want you to know that ever since I've met you,
01:09:36I haven't thought about killing myself once.
01:09:38Three.
01:09:40Thank you.
01:09:42Two.
01:09:44One!
01:09:48Argh!
01:09:56You killed my veggies!
01:10:11I think he's dead.
01:10:13Yeah.
01:10:15Are you OK?
01:10:18Oh, it's only a...
01:10:20It's a flesh wound.
01:10:24Well...
01:10:26I suppose we'd better get on with this.
01:10:28Fuck. What? But you just saved him.
01:10:31So I could kill him. It's my contract.
01:10:33It's not legally binding.
01:10:35Oh, you're not going to shoot me.
01:10:37You can't even shoot yourself.
01:10:40Oh, give it here. Oh, this is getting ridiculous.
01:10:43Put the gun down. You will not shoot that gun.
01:10:46Whoa! Careful!
01:10:51Put the gun down.
01:10:55You put the gun down.
01:10:57I'm not putting the gun down. Why would I put the gun down?
01:10:59If you're not putting your gun down, there's no way I'm going to put this gun down.
01:11:02Then let's just stand here until you bleed to death.
01:11:05Leslie, I really appreciate all your efforts,
01:11:08but could we just call this off?
01:11:10If it's about the money, then...
01:11:12No, it's not about the money.
01:11:15I understand that you have certain principles.
01:11:17If I don't complete this contract by next week,
01:11:20I won't make my quota,
01:11:22and then I'll have to retire.
01:11:26Yeah, well, um...
01:11:30No, the only way out of this is to, uh...
01:11:33is to kill you both and then say I never saw him.
01:11:36And maybe then I'll be able to keep my job.
01:11:40If she...
01:11:42puts her gun down,
01:11:44will you promise to let her go?
01:11:47My contract is with you.
01:11:57I wanted to die because I had nothing to live for,
01:12:00and that's what I was trying to find.
01:12:03And now I've found it.
01:12:07And that's got to be worth dying for.
01:12:13You really think too much.
01:12:18I want to thank you, Leslie.
01:12:20You were there for me when I really needed someone,
01:12:23even though you were trying to kill me at the time.
01:12:27Yes, you're welcome.
01:12:30But I, uh... I still have to kill you.
01:12:33Okay.
01:12:34Wait!
01:12:35Oh, Jesus Christ, what?
01:12:37What if we take out a contract?
01:12:39What? On who?
01:12:42You mean on whom?
01:12:44On whom.
01:12:48Retrospectively.
01:12:50Obviously.
01:12:54Well, this is, uh...
01:12:56utterly irregular.
01:12:58Well, who's to know?
01:13:00I mean, you'll have your contract and make your quota.
01:13:03What about the money?
01:13:05Well, I've got 2,000 pounds in an escrow account you could have.
01:13:12Do you have any paper?
01:13:16Yes. Yes, yes.
01:13:18I do, I...
01:13:27I don't need it.
01:13:30I don't need it.
01:13:39We should take a look at that ear.
01:13:41I've probably got some savlon somewhere.
01:14:00Argh!
01:14:12Wait, one thing I don't understand.
01:14:15How did you know where we were?
01:14:17Well, uh, there was a background check on you.
01:14:20On...
01:14:22There isn't a...
01:14:23No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't you.
01:14:25It was for your boss.
01:14:27He was very unpopular.
01:14:30So he didn't die because of me?
01:14:32Oh, yes, he did.
01:14:34But someone would have got to him sooner or later.
01:14:37What are you going to do now?
01:14:40I have an idea for a new book.
01:14:43The main character, at least.
01:14:46You're a good man, William.
01:14:49I'm glad I didn't kill you.
01:14:52Thanks, Leslie. I'm glad I didn't die.
01:14:58Hello, what's this?
01:15:03I was worried.
01:15:05What happened?
01:15:07Oh, you should see the other guy.
01:15:09So?
01:15:11So?
01:15:13The Southern Counties.
01:15:18Ah, first place.
01:15:20You got first place.
01:15:22And, uh...
01:15:24First place. You got first place.
01:15:26Yep.
01:15:27And, uh, a Morag Bleasdale?
01:15:29Second.
01:15:30Oh, that's fantastic.
01:15:34It's just the Southern Counties.
01:15:36Ah, so now it's just the Southern Counties.
01:15:39Oh, I am so proud of you.
01:15:55Hello, Penny. Is Leslie home?
01:16:12Ah, okay.
01:16:18Penny, could you give me and Harvey a minute, please?
01:16:21Penny, could you give me and Harvey a minute, please?
01:16:24You sure?
01:16:25Yeah.
01:16:28Some emergency's on in a minute.
01:16:38So, why are you here, Harvey?
01:16:41Well, you know.
01:16:44No, I don't.
01:16:46You know. I know you know.
01:16:50I don't know.
01:16:53Mr. Morrison is still alive.
01:16:55Really?
01:16:57And no one's heard from Ivan the Terrible Hitman.
01:16:59Well, you can't trust these foreign kids, can you?
01:17:03You should have asked me to do the job.
01:17:06What do you take me for?
01:17:08I'm not one of your senior fucking Alzheimer friends.
01:17:11I'm actually a little bit impressed.
01:17:14I didn't think you were up to it.
01:17:16I told you.
01:17:18Yeah, you did.
01:17:19And I told you to take the fucking clock.
01:17:25You don't have to do this.
01:17:27Have a bit of fucking pride, eh?
01:17:30No, I mean...
01:17:35I mean this.
01:17:37What is it?
01:17:39It's a contract.
01:17:40What?
01:17:41On Ivan.
01:17:42You must be fucking...
01:17:49All right. Where's the money?
01:17:51I think you'll find two grand of Mr. Morrison's in the escrow account.
01:17:56But that was...
01:17:57No, he's still alive, so it's his money.
01:17:59No, you can't take on new contracts. You're retired.
01:18:03I hadn't made my quota. Now I have.
01:18:05You're taking a piss.
01:18:07Why can't you just retire like a normal fucking person?
01:18:11I'm an assassin.
01:18:13That's what I do.
01:18:15And that's who I am.
01:18:17That's who I am.
01:18:20You're a fucking dead man.
01:18:26Huh?
01:18:27Like that, is he?
01:18:31Under the table.
01:18:34Right now.
01:18:35Right now, under the table.
01:18:39Take a look.
01:18:48Fuck!
01:18:50Now, wait a sec.
01:18:52What?
01:19:05Leslie?
01:19:06Please, Fanny, how's Midsomer Murders started yet?
01:19:08It was a bit grisly.
01:19:10And I wanted to show Harvey my cushion.
01:19:13And I wanted to show Harvey my cushion.
01:19:17I won first prize
01:19:20in the Southern County's biannual needlecraft and embroidery competition.
01:19:25Cushion class.
01:19:26Oh, yeah?
01:19:28What are they supposed to be?
01:19:30They're turtle doves.
01:19:31Oh.
01:19:32A mating pair.
01:19:34Interesting thing about turtle doves is they mate for life.
01:19:38They stay together, grow old together, and when one dies,
01:19:42the other one tends to die soon after.
01:19:45They absolutely need each other.
01:19:49Sweet, really.
01:19:57Is that for Les?
01:20:00Look at that.
01:20:02Oh.
01:20:04Isn't that something?
01:20:07Les?
01:20:09Isn't that something?
01:20:11I think he's a bit scared of retirement.
01:20:14But I said to him,
01:20:16it's exciting.
01:20:17Time to enjoy himself, didn't I, Les?
01:20:19The start of the rest of our lives.
01:20:21Isn't that right, Les?
01:20:24Is that right, Leslie?
01:20:33Did Les tell you?
01:20:35We're going on a cruise round the whole world.
01:20:38Cape Town, Sydney, Nuku, Alofa.
01:20:42Hm?
01:20:44It's in Tonga.
01:20:46Oh.
01:20:47It's a trip of a lifetime, that's what they say.
01:20:50Oh, thank you for this, Harvey.
01:20:54We look perfect on the mantelpiece.
01:20:56Isn't that kind of Harvey, Les?
01:21:09WHISTLING
01:21:13Thank you, Harvey.
01:21:24Anyway, er...
01:21:29I'd best be off.
01:21:31Leave you to your evening.
01:21:33You're not stopping for tea, Harvey?
01:21:35We've got a herbal.
01:21:36No, no, you're all right.
01:21:40Enjoy your retirement, Leslie.
01:21:44We're sorry to lose you.
01:21:48Well, send our love to Sandra.
01:22:03I'm not sorry.
01:22:06I know you loved your job.
01:22:08But it's not all you are.
01:22:10At least, not to me.
01:22:15What would I do without you?
01:22:19I'm just pleased I didn't have to stick him.
01:22:37So, er, did they like it?
01:22:40Seemed to.
01:22:42They love the assassin character.
01:22:44And they want to meet you next week.
01:22:47That's great.
01:22:49You can make that?
01:22:51Yes, I think I can make that.
01:22:55So this living thing's really not that bad, is it?
01:23:00Well, you never know when a piano's going to fall on your head.
01:23:07Come on.
01:23:14Hey!
01:23:15William!
01:23:24William!
01:23:28William!
01:23:30Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!
01:23:33William!
01:23:35Is he...
01:23:39Yes, yes, he's fine, he's fine.
01:23:42You saved him.
01:23:44Well, what about you?
01:23:47I've definitely felt better.
01:23:50Here, lie down with me.
01:24:01Are they clapping?
01:24:06Yeah.
01:24:08They're clapping.
01:24:14Perfect.
01:24:20Darkness falls across the land
01:24:23And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:24:26We're the angels singing, son
01:24:28Come on through while I fly through the night
01:24:31To get home to you, home to you
01:24:36Darkness falls across the land
01:24:39And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:24:42We're the angels singing, son
01:24:44Come on through while I fly through the night
01:24:47To get home to you, home to you
01:24:53Darkness falls across the land
01:24:56And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:24:59We're the angels singing, son
01:25:01Come on through while I fly through the night
01:25:04To get home to you, home to you
01:25:28With a taste of doubt between my teeth
01:25:31And the crash of the waves underneath my feet
01:25:34Gonna give myself to the endless blue
01:25:37Fly through the night to get home to you
01:25:40Home to you
01:25:45Darkness falls across the land
01:25:48And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:25:51We're the angels singing, son
01:25:53Come on through while I fly through the night
01:25:55To get home to you, home to you
01:26:00Darkness falls across the land
01:26:03And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:26:06We're the angels singing, son
01:26:08Come on through while I fly through the night
01:26:10To get home to you, home to you
01:26:18I fly through the night to get home to you
01:26:24The angels sing and come on
01:26:29I fly through the night to get home to you
01:26:35To get home to you
01:26:38So come on through
01:26:41I'd do anything to be back by your side
01:26:43I'd do anything to be back by your side
01:26:52Curtains call but I just can't go
01:26:54Cos you came and you sold, in my soul
01:26:57To the grey old clay of the world we know
01:27:00So I fly and I fly
01:27:02To get back home and get home to you
01:27:07Darkness falls across the land
01:27:09And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:27:12We're the angels singing, son
01:27:14Come on through while I fly through the night
01:27:17To get home to you, home to you
01:27:22Curtains call but I just can't go
01:27:24Cos you came and you sold, in my soul
01:27:27To the grey old clay of the world we know
01:27:30So I fly and I fly
01:27:32To get back home and get home to you
01:27:37Darkness falls across the land
01:27:39And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:27:42We're the angels singing, son
01:27:44Come on through while I fly through the night
01:27:47To get home to you, home to you
01:28:07Darkness falls across the land
01:28:10And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:28:13We're the angels singing, son
01:28:15Come on through while I fly through the night
01:28:18To get home to you, home to you
01:28:22Curtains call but I just can't go
01:28:25Cos you came and you sold, in my soul
01:28:28To the grey old clay of the world we know
01:28:31So I fly and I fly
01:28:33To get back home and get home to you
01:28:37I fly through the night
01:28:40To get home to you
01:28:43We're the angels singing
01:28:47Come on through
01:28:49I fly through the night
01:28:52To get home to you
01:28:55To get home to you
01:28:58So come on through
01:29:04We're the angels singing
01:29:08Come on through
01:29:10We're the angels singing
01:29:14Come on through
01:29:16I fly through the night
01:29:19To get home to you
01:29:22To get home to you
01:29:25To get home to you
01:29:28So come on through
01:29:34Darkness falls across the land
01:29:37And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:29:40We're the angels singing, son
01:29:42Come on through while I fly through the night
01:29:45To get home to you, home to you
01:29:49Darkness falls across the land
01:29:52And I'd do anything just to hold your hand
01:29:55We're the angels singing, son
01:29:57Come on through while I fly through the night
01:30:00To get home to you, home to you