The Secret of a Happy Relationship…the Best Advice about relationships, partners mental health
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00:00Dating culture today for so many people sucks and it is hard to find love
00:00:05It's the one area where we feel like we're out of control. How do you change it?
00:00:11What's the biggest mistake that you think people make in
00:00:15Relationships, I think we can start to think we know everything there is to know about our partner that there is nothing new going on
00:00:21In that head of theirs we know it all and we certainly don't know it all
00:00:25We only know what they're telling us and usually what they're telling us is a reflection of the kinds of questions
00:00:30We're asking them and we might have stopped asking them questions ten years ago
00:00:34Because we assume we know it all you have to find ways to make life fresh to you
00:00:39So that you can stay fresh for your partner read engage in a new activity or a new hobby or something that
00:00:47Inspires you because we stop growing in our lives and because we stop doing things that keep life fresh for us
00:00:53We now bring a very stagnant stayed version of ourselves to the relationship
00:00:58we have nothing new to bring to the
00:01:00Conversation at dinner because when was the last time we got a brand new idea or we've read something or engaged with something that made us
00:01:06Think differently
00:01:08That's good
00:01:12All right, I'm so glad you're here
00:01:16It's Mel and today's episode is for you
00:01:19Whether you're single dating married divorced you got some
00:01:23Situationship thing going on that you don't even know how to describe it
00:01:26You're trying to figure things out as you're hooking up with people. You don't know where you stand. You're confused. You're feeling used
00:01:32You're somewhere in between today. You and I are gonna sort it all out
00:01:35Now I've been married to Chris for over 28 years and we've got three adult kids who are all
00:01:42Navigating the modern dating world and having never had to experience online dating
00:01:48When I thought okay, I'm gonna answer relationship questions
00:01:50I thought I better call in a heavy hitter to be my co-pilot in answering your questions today so that I can handle the
00:01:57Continuum on one end and I got somebody that can handle the crazy world
00:02:02That is modern dating. And so let me tell you a little bit about my co-pilot today Matthew Hussey Matthew's a buddy of mine
00:02:09He's also a New York Times best-selling author and he's been helping people for more than 17
00:02:14Years to feel more confident and in control of their relationships
00:02:18More than 3 million people turn to Matthew for relationship advice on his YouTube channel
00:02:22Which is completely dedicated to helping you create a better love life
00:02:26And so Matthew and I are going to tag-team your questions and my team has sourced your most
00:02:32Asked questions from your fellow listeners around the world
00:02:36They have come to our inbox our website social media and trust me
00:02:40Whether you are in a loving relationship right now, or you have sworn off relationships altogether
00:02:46There is something here for you
00:02:48You are gonna relate to every single question and you're gonna get something from every single answer and so will everybody that you love
00:02:56So make sure you share this with everyone because they're gonna love it, too. Alrighty. Are you ready? I know I am
00:03:02Let's go down to the Boston Studios for this incredible conversation
00:03:08With me you and Matthew Hussey, let's do this
00:03:12I think what I want to do because you've been advising people on
00:03:17How they can get into successful long-term relationships for 17 years. I want to focus our conversation
00:03:24I think on
00:03:26what you've learned about
00:03:29Successful long-term relationships how to get in one. What are the attributes and then I want to have a conversation about
00:03:37How you want people to think when they're single and
00:03:43Navigating the dating world. So as you think about
00:03:47The just volume of people that you've helped you have seen it all in relationships
00:03:53What's the biggest mistake that you think people make in?
00:03:58Relationships one of them is thinking that the things that your partner is and does
00:04:06That are wonderful are
00:04:09Normal by the time you have been experiencing them for a long time
00:04:14Wait, what? What do you mean the things that your partner does that are actually wonderful?
00:04:19The things that they do that are their special qualities the things that make your life better
00:04:26more joyful more magical easier the things that support you all those little things that are
00:04:34Magic you start to think those are just normal things that that you that are to be expected or that anyone would do
00:04:41In a relationship because you've had so much distance
00:04:45from any other relationship that your memory now has nothing to compare it to people have a rude awakening very often when they
00:04:54Go and date someone else and they realize all the things that were wonderful about their partner were not normal
00:05:00They were wonderful things about their partner. We do that in all of life human beings
00:05:06In some ways one of our greatest traits is that we're able to normalize things. Yeah, like, you know, we can go as an entire
00:05:13world during a pandemic we can like normalize
00:05:17Radically new conditions in ways that are truly inspirational
00:05:21but it actually gets mutated into a very bad effect sometimes in relationships and in other areas of life where that
00:05:29Normalization of what is wonderful can make us think that it's normal. I
00:05:35Freaking love that you in here because I think what we do when we seek relationship advice is we're so focused on
00:05:43What's wrong with this person? Why did it go cold?
00:05:46how come we've grown distant and what you're saying is one of the big mistakes that we actually make is
00:05:51We lose sight of the fact that there's so many things that are going right and you take it for granted
00:05:56Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. Look at anyone who like
00:06:02Flies in a fancy seat on the plane. Yeah, if they do it for long enough
00:06:05They don't even think it's a fancy seat anymore. They they just they'll find a new complaint with that
00:06:11I keep thinking about the fact that yeah
00:06:12If you've ever been upgraded and you sit up front it is like going to Disney World
00:06:16You won't go to sleep because you're like I have to enjoy all of this
00:06:20I have to try the little hand cream and I have to do the tea
00:06:24I have to brush my teeth with the like airplane toothbrush. You want to you can't sleep. It's so exciting
00:06:30Yes, and people do that with partners. It's you you have you may have someone who has truly
00:06:36Extraordinary things you just don't know they're extraordinary anymore because it's your life
00:06:40Whoa, I think we can start to think we know everything there is to know about our partner
00:06:46That there is nothing new going on in that head of theirs. We know it all and we certainly don't know it all
00:06:52We may we only know what they're telling us and usually what they're telling us is a reflection of the kinds of questions
00:06:57We're asking them and we might have stopped asking them questions ten years ago
00:07:01Because we assume we know it all but we may know them from ten years ago
00:07:06We don't necessarily know them today if we don't ask the right questions, and so I I'm constantly
00:07:13Thinking I don't think there's any one answer for this
00:07:16And it's certainly not a tip from Cosmopolitan about a new toy for the bedroom, that's the thing that's going to change the whole game
00:07:22It's it's what you know
00:07:25How do you how do you start to?
00:07:28Stand back from your partner and see them as an enigma again
00:07:33That to me is one of the most beautiful things you can do Proust
00:07:37said the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes and
00:07:44If you think about it when someone has an affair they're seeking a new landscape, right
00:07:48But when you can start to see your partner with newness
00:07:52You're seeing them with new eyes if you can bring newness
00:07:56You're giving them a chance to see you with new eyes
00:07:58The question becomes what are some of the ways you can do that and the beautiful part is there's not one answer to that
00:08:04It can be organic to you and the ways you can create newness for yourself in your relationship. How do you change it?
00:08:10I think you have to keep growing. I
00:08:12Really believe that you you have to find ways to make life fresh to you
00:08:18So that you can stay fresh for your partner
00:08:22the more you read the more you
00:08:25Engage in a new activity or a new hobby or something that inspires you
00:08:30you know, I I I
00:08:33Could at this point after I've been coaching people in their love lives for 17 years. I could say
00:08:39I know enough to just now do this for the rest of my life without learning another thing
00:08:44But and that might be true
00:08:47But it would become stale for me and then I would become stale for my audience
00:08:52The thing that keeps me fresh for other people is that I stay fresh for myself
00:08:57I I do the reading and I and I look at what's going on and I have conversations with people and so then I come
00:09:04Back with an idea that feels new it may be something I've said a thousand times
00:09:08But the way I just thought about it because of the thing that I just read it feels new to me
00:09:12and if it feels new to me, I'm gonna
00:09:15Convey that in a way that's fresh to you and I think in our relationships
00:09:20We because we stop growing in our lives and because we stop doing things that keep life fresh for us
00:09:25We now bring a very stagnant stayed version of ourselves to the relationship
00:09:30We have nothing new to bring to the conversation at dinner because when was the last time we got a brand new idea or we've
00:09:36Read something or engaged with something that made us think differently one of my big takeaways already and maybe it's age because I'm 55
00:09:44years old and
00:09:45You're younger than me and you ask this question about what have you done lately to grow and I certainly grew up in a generation
00:09:53where it was all about finding somebody and
00:09:56so much of his it was it about the search out there and
00:10:00What do I need to do to attract that person to find that person the presumption being that that person out there is
00:10:08Somehow going to come back over here and make my life more interesting my life more amazing
00:10:14And I think I've already just had this aha
00:10:18for every one of you listening and for all of the people that you love that you're gonna send this to
00:10:23That the single most important thing whether you're single and you're listening to this or you are in a relationship and
00:10:30you want to make it better is that it begins with you understanding what you're bringing to the table and
00:10:36You looking at your own growth and what you're bringing either
00:10:41To your life as a single person or to the relationship as a person in a committed relationship. Is that a fair takeaway?
00:10:47It's everything. It's everything. I
00:10:50Don't want to jump too far ahead of ourselves when I say this but there's
00:10:55When you say that
00:10:57What it brings up for me is when we feel like we're not interesting
00:11:02When we have the insecurity of someone who feels like they're not enough
00:11:06They're not cool. They haven't got a great life. They're not an interesting person
00:11:13We go looking for that person who has those attributes
00:11:17And so what we do now is we we go into our love lives driven by ego
00:11:22Not the ego of I'm so great. But the the ego of I'm not I'm not great. I'm not enough
00:11:29So I need to find someone who's going to make me feel that way and we often end up looking for these very
00:11:36superficial markers of someone else's impressiveness
00:11:40What makes them great?
00:11:43When you truly feel like you're enough
00:11:47You don't actually feel the need to go in search of those kind of egoic
00:11:54Things you you know, you're not let's say worried that is this person. I'm bringing home someone that is going to impress my friends
00:12:02Are they gonna look good on my arm?
00:12:04Are they gonna look good on Instagram? Are they like you don't care about that you care?
00:12:09Do they make me happy you start focusing on how they make you feel not how they make you look and that's a huge
00:12:17distinction because so many people go out into their love lives worrying about how someone's gonna make them look and
00:12:22That's all driven by ego because we don't feel like we're enough
00:12:26It's no different to the playground at school
00:12:28If you didn't think you were cool
00:12:30The last person you wanted to be seen with was another person who was uncool. That's true
00:12:36You were like you I if I hang around you I'm gonna get found out. Yes, we're both screwed
00:12:41So I need to hang around with people that I can disguise myself from and other people might by association think I'm cool, too
00:12:49So again at school, we looked for all these silly superficial markers of popularity
00:12:55Status looks what they were captain of this or whatever it may be
00:13:00So that we could feel by association like we were somebody now if you just carry that forward as many people do into their love
00:13:07Lives you keep looking for all of those superficial markers that are going to buy
00:13:12Association make you look like the person you've always wanted to look like when you work on yourself. It's a very freeing thing
00:13:19because you're now you don't I'm not looking for you to be a certain kind of good-looking or a certain kind of
00:13:27Height or figure or this or that or money or status or lifestyle or whatever?
00:13:31I don't care about you being any of those things. I've got me right. I already feel good enough
00:13:38So I don't need you for those things. What I want is someone I have an extraordinary time with well
00:13:44I want someone who is someone who sees me what I want someone is is someone I feel at home with
00:13:49Those are the things that we start looking for
00:13:52It's a very different thing. We look for when we feel like we're already taken care of
00:13:56Well what I love that you said and I want to take a giant highlighter and make sure that as you're listening to this that
00:14:02You got this which is too many of us are obsessed with what is the person?
00:14:08Make me look like and so if I'm with this person, what does it look like?
00:14:13Versus how does this person make me feel? And so that's another takeaway in terms of the mistakes that we're making and
00:14:20Here's something I think a lot of people will relate to I
00:14:24Always think about this is maybe a crude analogy, but I always think I am the house that I live in
00:14:32Okay
00:14:34When I go to a hotel
00:14:37If it's a fancy
00:14:40Lovely hotel. I love the room. Oh my god. I love the view. I never think of it as my
00:14:47Status or my value or my anything? I'm like, I'm renting this room for a night, right? This isn't this doesn't belong to me
00:14:54Yeah, it's not my hotel. Are we about to talk about one-night stands? Is that where we're going?
00:15:02I think of it as this is like I'm just going to experience this and enjoy it for what it is
00:15:08Got it. I can't take it home with me. It's not mine. I
00:15:12I
00:15:13My home is my home where I go back to every night. Yes, that's my home
00:15:18You know the the picture that I hang on mine and my wife's wall
00:15:22That is a beautiful picture that actually that affects my life every single day. Yes
00:15:28The hotel that I stay in is irrelevant
00:15:31It's just a nice experience and I think we have to to some extent start seeing
00:15:36When we're with someone that we think is really impressive or has amazing traits is very charismatic
00:15:42It's sexy is all of these things that we get drawn to
00:15:46That this is not our value. It's something we're enjoying. It's something we're experiencing
00:15:53But we are the home that we go back to every night the work we do on ourselves the work we do to make ourselves
00:15:59a
00:16:00resilient person in this life a wise person in this life a
00:16:03Person who's giving in this life who has connections in love. That's our home
00:16:08It's not the value that this person brings us
00:16:11There are so many people in relationships that when they lose the person they think they've lost their value
00:16:17Because they started to think that my my value is this value on the outside?
00:16:22And I don't think you can ever get the two confused. Well, I like that you have a visual
00:16:28because
00:16:29When you fall for somebody
00:16:32obviously, there's so much chemistry and attraction and lust and sex and all of the amazing stuff that goes down when there is a
00:16:39new relationship and the chase is on and it's super exciting and it can feel like a sexy amazing hotel room and
00:16:47so we can all put ourselves there the sheets are
00:16:50fantastic and the coffee is so good and you can pull down the blinds and get an amazing night's sleep and oh my god and
00:16:57You can start to imagine what if my own bedroom felt like this?
00:17:01but
00:17:02When the date is over
00:17:05You know how you feel when you're back at home and whether or not you've just been with somebody that
00:17:13Makes you feel more of yourself or whether or not you then go back to where you are at your home when you're alone
00:17:19And you start to question. Did I say the right thing? Did I not do that?
00:17:21are they gonna call me a nanny nanny nanny nanny nanny and
00:17:25I
00:17:26Also love the analogy because I've been I've been asked a lot since Chris and I have been married for 28 years
00:17:33They're like, well, how do you know like and I'm like, I don't know you just
00:17:36Feel like yourself. Yeah, and so it's almost as if that right person
00:17:42Even though it might kind of be fun for a minute to feel like it's like a fancy hotel room
00:17:48It actually very quickly just starts to feel like home
00:17:52Yeah, and what you're saying is too many of us get swept up in the feeling of all that shiny shit and
00:18:01Then when that's over
00:18:03We think it means there's something wrong with us and you're saying no. No, you're fine. You were just in a hotel room
00:18:09Yeah, we think we've lost our value
00:18:11We think that hotel room was our value and by the way
00:18:15If you you see this on Instagram the person whose whole Instagram profile is just them in
00:18:22Fancy hotel rooms in some other part of the world and it's like
00:18:26Everything is that it's you you go. Oh this person is attached to their value
00:18:31To these places that they stay in and that's a very dangerous thing to do. It's always a dangerous thing
00:18:37You can see it everywhere Matthew. I mean literally I
00:18:40Think a lot about how extravagant people have become with their proposals and their baby
00:18:45Announcements and all of that kind of stuff. I don't I don't know if you did that or not
00:18:49I don't know like we're the complete. Oh, no, I proposed to Audrey in our
00:18:55bedroom, we're very like
00:18:57Like behind-the-scenes people in all of those ways, but I you know, everybody needs to do what makes them feel amazing
00:19:03But for me personally, I see a lot of emphasis on the show and not the substance
00:19:08well, the way that I have always talked about it is this that
00:19:12I'm I'm I'm kind of obsessed about how we tell love stories to ourselves
00:19:19and
00:19:20What we define as a love story like what qualifies? I don't know that you make it
00:19:26I don't know what defines it as a love story. That's interesting, right?
00:19:31Because if you take half the movies we see they definitely don't make it. It's true
00:19:36But we call them love stories and it can get quite dangerous if you take Titanic
00:19:42Like there's something a little odd
00:19:45About watching a woman who's nearly a hundred years old
00:19:50still
00:19:51Dreaming about and thinking about a relationship. There wasn't even a relationship
00:19:56With a guy that she met on a boat and was with for about five days
00:20:00Like it's it's an interesting thing when you look at it that way I was on
00:20:05I've experienced these stories in real life in my work all the time. I
00:20:10Was on TV in the morning a caller called in a woman in her 70s and she said I
00:20:18Can't get over this guy that I dated that I was with or dated wasn't even like a 10-year marriage
00:20:25I dated on and off
00:20:27And I said, well, when did it end? She said well, he's stopped calling me 30 years ago. Oh my gosh
00:20:33Now is that a love story?
00:20:35Maybe I don't know and by the way, I think it probably does
00:20:38I mean well
00:20:39But so I so my brain let I can't wait to hear what you have to say because I'm immediately like well
00:20:43She's been telling herself the story for 30 years and your brain doesn't know the difference between the reality and what you've been telling it
00:20:50that's right, and and and the amount you've told it to yourself and the way you've told it to yourself has given that story a
00:20:57Level of importance that it probably in her case almost certainly should never have had
00:21:02So then you say okay, we need to start changing how we tell ourselves love stories
00:21:08we have a ton of questions about compromise and
00:21:12How to weigh
00:21:14the proper
00:21:17Compromises in a relationship. So we have this great question from Carmen who wrote in
00:21:22Can you talk about the difficulty of compromise and partnerships without giving up yourself?
00:21:27I've had a longtime partner for 14 years
00:21:30We've been together since we were 16, but I've been working in Europe for the last two years and the long-distance relationship worked really well
00:21:38They supported me. We saw each other regularly. I never felt happier during my time abroad. I felt like I had found myself over there
00:21:44I didn't want to go back but ultimately decided to go back because I felt like my partner wasn't doing well without me and
00:21:51They didn't want to move to Europe. Now. I'm in a situation where I'm trying to find a compromise
00:21:57Looking for remote jobs to be able to work from anywhere and figuring out a way where we can both be happy
00:22:04Any advice on how much compromise is good bad without forgetting who you are as an individual?
00:22:12So there you have a compatible
00:22:14Compatibility issue in the way that two people want to live their lives
00:22:17Right, even if you share many of the same values, even if you have an incredible time when you're together
00:22:23If you have a different vision for your future or a
00:22:26Completely different vision for the present then that's still a compatibility issue
00:22:31I think we have to get out of this idea that someone can be the right person
00:22:36even when the way they want to live their life or
00:22:39The way they see their future is completely different to the way we want to live ours or see our future
00:22:45That doesn't make them. Oh, you know, right person wrong time right person wrong
00:22:51Circumstances, I think the right person has to be both right and ready
00:22:55I think the right person has to be someone who whose values we love and also wants the same life as us
00:23:01I don't I don't believe in this idea that you have the right person who just if it were only a parallel universe
00:23:09where they
00:23:11loved Europe and
00:23:13Wanted to be there and live there and weren't close to their family back home and didn't then it would be perfect
00:23:19I don't that's science fiction
00:23:22so I think we have to look at the reality of what we have instead of what we would like to be because anything else
00:23:28is science fiction
00:23:31When I hear this question I go it's tough
00:23:34Because it sounds like there's a lot that's right with the relationship
00:23:39but
00:23:40you right now your dreams are taking you to Europe and
00:23:44A job that you really enjoy and this person doesn't want to come to Europe now firstly that record that deserves
00:23:51Ultimate compassion for the person who doesn't want to come to Europe. Of course. It's not their dream. Yes
00:23:58It's not their life
00:23:59It's they didn't choose that they didn't choose to have a partner who decided to move miles and miles away from home
00:24:06So it you know that requires a level of compassion and humility to say I think this about entrepreneurs all the time
00:24:14Whenever entrepreneurs complain that their partner doesn't get it
00:24:17I'm working all hours of the day and I just have this dream and my partner doesn't get it. I'm like, yeah, no shit
00:24:23Well, you didn't sign up for this. They didn't choose this. It's not their dream
00:24:28Like there's something selfish about that dream. Oh, no, right, right. It's okay
00:24:34I've been there. I'm an entrepreneur. I get it, but don't turn it into something noble that your partner doesn't get
00:24:41It's not their dream if they suddenly had a dream that meant they were never around and they were stressed all the time and they
00:24:48Didn't bring you good energy in the evenings and even on weekends
00:24:51They were kind of not present and well, you know, what would you be saying?
00:24:54It's it we we lack humility in those situations
00:24:58And I think this comes back down to another hard conversation is look. I've got a person. I really value
00:25:05How much do I value this person
00:25:07Do I value them enough to try and find a job that I'm passionate about back where we're from or?
00:25:14When I'm honest with myself if I'm really really honest with myself, maybe it brings up a tremendous amount of guilt for me
00:25:20Maybe it makes me feel selfish. Maybe it makes me feel
00:25:24shame
00:25:26But maybe if I'm honest if I don't get this out of my system
00:25:31I'm never gonna be ready for that
00:25:33And I might have to
00:25:36End up being ready for it with another person
00:25:40But at least I will have done this thing and pursued this thing that's really important to me right now and
00:25:47And that's life is about choices like it just is we wish it wasn't
00:25:53But it just is
00:25:55That's interesting because the questions about compromise and yet you're bringing it back to
00:26:00The personal responsibility to make a choice
00:26:03That you're not going to resent somebody else for because I think that's the other thing we don't talk about
00:26:07Which is it's noble to compromise?
00:26:10But not if you are going to die on the sword and be silently resentful of somebody that you're with
00:26:16Because quote they made you
00:26:19Do something that they held you back when you didn't have the courage
00:26:24When you didn't have the courage
00:26:27To seek the clarity about what you valued more
00:26:31Yeah, and the timing of your life that might be by the way
00:26:35He says hey you two more years
00:26:38I could do this or he might say one more year I can do this
00:26:41But I can't do it after that and she needs to be really honest with herself about whether a year is going to be
00:26:45Enough it there might be the compromise or the compromise is you know
00:26:49I'm going to come home and i'm going to find something that I can do that. I enjoy back home
00:26:54but i'm gonna lean in if I do that then i'm really gonna lean into that and make you've always got to be prepared in
00:27:00life to make the
00:27:01plan b the new plan a
00:27:04Turn plan b into the new plan a what you can't do is continue to see it as plan b
00:27:09Because that's where the resentment comes from. What about some of the smaller things that trip relationships up? It's things like
00:27:15Your partner plays video games all the time and it drives you crazy your partner just wants to watch golf or whatever on the weekend
00:27:23um you
00:27:26Uh are a morning person and you love to get up and get to the gym
00:27:30And this is a person who's a night owl and sleeps
00:27:33In until 11 and how do you know?
00:27:36You know what? I mean when it's compatibility versus is it that you want them to be like you?
00:27:42Or is it that your needs aren't getting met?
00:27:45How do you know?
00:27:47well
00:27:49Ask yourself. Is there some them playing video games? Is it costing me something crucial?
00:27:55That I feel i'm not getting in the relationship as a result or am I just mad that they're not like me?
00:28:03That's good
00:28:04because if it's costing you something crucial like one of your needs then
00:28:08You absolutely better have the conversation and the conversation is something akin to
00:28:13I respect and I love that you have something that you love doing with your time
00:28:18But you're doing it so much
00:28:20That i'm not getting what I need in the relationship and I want to support you in this thing that you really enjoy doing
00:28:27But I also want to feel supported
00:28:30And I want to feel like this relationship gives me what I need the same way
00:28:33I want to show up for you and give you what you need. So by the way after this conversation, let's talk about what you need
00:28:38but right now
00:28:40The thing that I need the most is is quality time and i'm not getting that because of xyz you can say that
00:28:47But is it about you not getting your needs met or is it about the fact that you don't like that?
00:28:52They're not like you which is a more
00:28:55Interesting question because it gets into the territory of do we need our partner to be like us in certain ways?
00:29:01Where is that coming from?
00:29:04And I think that's that we can talk about that. I think that's interesting
00:29:06Well, I definitely want to talk about that too, but I can give a couple examples and I think your distinction is very helpful
00:29:12Because it made me realize
00:29:15um
00:29:16Why these two examples?
00:29:19Matter so the first one is that you know, chris and I've been together for a long time, but he recently
00:29:26uh went away on a ski trip with our son and
00:29:32I didn't go
00:29:34It wasn't supposed to be a boy's trip, but I literally was like, you know what?
00:29:38I don't want to go skiing for a week
00:29:40I don't really like skiing. I think i'd rather be home alone and do a staycation without anybody home. Thank you very much
00:29:47and
00:29:48the reason why
00:29:50That was actually super cool
00:29:52Is because chris's needs and my needs are getting met in other ways, so I didn't need
00:29:59to take a trip with him to get the
00:30:03connection
00:30:04You know that you often will get when you take time and go away together
00:30:08And so it didn't feel like it was taking anything away. In fact, it was kind of additive
00:30:13versus
00:30:15And here's the example where?
00:30:17I did change
00:30:19um
00:30:20I have very bad adhd
00:30:23And I have this habit when cardboard boxes come
00:30:27Of stacking them up by the door because we live
00:30:30You know in the state where you got to flatten them and I hate flattening them
00:30:33I get like all kinds of paper cuts and I just I don't know why I don't like to do it
00:30:36But I don't like to do it. So
00:30:38chris hates
00:30:40That I stack these things up
00:30:43And he would yell at me all the time
00:30:45Can't you just can't you and then I of course when he would yell at me about doing that
00:30:50Well, not really yell, but just like for crying out loud. Can't you just do it? I would then defend myself
00:30:55I'm so busy, you know, i'm traveling
00:30:58Can't you just do this? I mean for crying out what else?
00:31:01And so we'd get into this standoff
00:31:03and it wasn't until
00:31:05he
00:31:07Sat me down and had the conversation listen
00:31:10I get that you have adhd. I get that you're tired. I get that you work long hours
00:31:15I get that you do a ton of things, but let me tell you something every time I see that stack like a little
00:31:21Kind of pyramid for me waiting like a gift from you
00:31:26It makes me feel like you think i'm your maid
00:31:29What I realized at a very profound level
00:31:32Is that when he explained how my behavior made him feel
00:31:36It made me realize that his need to be seen and taken care of and acts of service
00:31:43Were not being met
00:31:44Over and over and over again, even though he asked
00:31:48And that's what motivated me to change my behavior
00:31:52I am the best cardboard box flattener on the planet matt
00:31:56um, but
00:31:57That's a really important thing because I think in these small moments
00:32:02Where we're either forcing someone to be like us, which I don't think you should be doing
00:32:08Or you have an opportunity to express that there's a deeper need behind why you want somebody to actually load the dishwasher
00:32:16or
00:32:16move
00:32:17The stuff from the washer to the dryer
00:32:20That if you can express the deeper need
00:32:23Now you're strengthening the connection
00:32:26Versus fighting with somebody over something. Yeah, that's exactly right
00:32:30You're giving and you're giving someone in a relationship a real gift
00:32:34And an opportunity to give you something that that may not be rational. And by the way, that's okay
00:32:40How many things do we need in life that are not rational?
00:32:44It's true. You know, it's it's a it's a it's a beautiful thing sometimes to just understand that this is important to my partner
00:32:51and
00:32:52It's worth showing up for them in this way, even if it doesn't make sense to me, but that only works
00:32:59in
00:33:00Two people who are a genuine team
00:33:03Where it feels like that kind of generosity of spirit goes both ways
00:33:08Do you have a strategy for how you know if something's a deal breaker because I do think a lot of people don't
00:33:15Truly understand
00:33:17What is a deal breaker and what's just something you need to be more flexible about so in the?
00:33:23case of
00:33:24the
00:33:25partner who's let themselves go
00:33:28Or the partner who is struggling with drinking or the partner who has anger issues or the partner who you know what i'm saying?
00:33:34like to those to those to your point we could take them one by one but
00:33:38Let's say the partner who's let themselves go
00:33:42I think that the default with someone you love is always compassion
00:33:46not judgment because
00:33:49that
00:33:50That must be hard for them
00:33:52You know if someone's let themselves go. I know when i've let myself go in life. It didn't feel good to me
00:33:58and
00:33:59You know
00:34:00There was my my mind was in a certain state
00:34:04when I was letting myself go and that is
00:34:07you know
00:34:08That has to be met with love and compassion now
00:34:12one of the things I want to I
00:34:14want to make sure we at some point touch on is the compassion we have to show ourselves and what that looks like but
00:34:20Compa outward compassion there is really really important
00:34:25but
00:34:26you have to ask yourself if
00:34:29If this was taken
00:34:31To its extreme which either means it keeps getting worse or this person stays this way for the rest of their life
00:34:38Is that compatible with me?
00:34:42Loving myself
00:34:44Is it compatible with me taking care of myself?
00:34:47And part of taking care of myself is being in a relationship that supports my needs
00:34:54And you have to go into what what in what ways does that affect your needs?
00:34:59Well, we may say in the short term it affects my needs sexually. Let's say
00:35:04You know, it's hard. It's a hard place for us to go
00:35:07But if most people are honest and they say my partner has let themselves go to the point where they take no pride
00:35:13In their appearance
00:35:14They take no pride in their body
00:35:16They're not in that place and i'm also not in that place and this is something that's really really important to me
00:35:23It's a it's no judgment on them. That's why I say we have to start with compassion
00:35:27Well, it's interesting because if you start with compassion even when you're breaking up
00:35:31Or you start with compassion and you're having a hard conversation
00:35:35about
00:35:36How somebody is mentally or physically and you start knowing that this is hard for them and you still love them
00:35:43But you also have to
00:35:45Kind of have the conversation for yourself because it's not fair to somebody to silently be mad at them or silently judge them
00:35:52And if you find yourself
00:35:54Talking more to your friends about it
00:35:56no, and and and
00:35:58it I
00:36:01It breaks my heart as I say this because I genuinely think
00:36:06It's it's as hard for them to change that thing as it is for you to change your hardest thing right now
00:36:13like it's
00:36:15We have to start looking at these things that way that this thing that affects you
00:36:20It is as hard for them to change that as it is for you to change something you're finding nearly impossible to change
00:36:27And when you look at it through that lens, there is no judgment. It's just it's just compassion and
00:36:34And the most tragic and heartbreaking thing would be if that thing that they couldn't change
00:36:41Over time spelled the end of this beautiful relationship
00:36:45That that's the part that you have to
00:36:47A connect with yourself that that's truly heartbreaking and that at a certain point you have to connect
00:36:55Them to that as well because it's the last thing you want
00:36:59and not and then you know, your needs are not just that your needs might be your need for
00:37:05Your need for
00:37:07You know this person who you love to still be around for as many years as possible
00:37:12And that there is a there is a delayed heartbreak
00:37:16That is coming for me
00:37:19Because of the way that you're not taking care of yourself right now
00:37:23And it is gonna you are going to be responsible for the greatest heartbreak of my entire life
00:37:30and
00:37:31and
00:37:32I come to you in that spirit
00:37:35That I want to be there for you. I want to support you
00:37:38I want to put you know, whatever support I can around you to help. I want to understand how hard it is for you
00:37:45And and let's talk about that. Let's go to therapy for that. Let's like whatever we have to do. Let's do that
00:37:52It i'm not minimizing how hard it is, but I also don't want to minimize the impact
00:37:58That this is going to have on our life is already having on our life
00:38:02And we'll one day have in the most tremendous way if we're not careful if we're not careful, you know
00:38:07and that kind of language I think gets out of the mode of
00:38:11Judging someone for what they're not able to do that maybe comes more naturally
00:38:15To you, which is a your gift and their curse
00:38:20Yeah, I think if the shoe's on the other foot and you're the one struggling that's how you want your partner
00:38:26To show up for you. I get a lot of questions about
00:38:32What to do when you're changing and someone else isn't
00:38:35And so this one comes from heather
00:38:38What do you do when the person holding you back is?
00:38:42Yeah, the partner that you love I struggle to not be angry
00:38:46With my partner for not matching my desire for personal growth and I resent the fact
00:38:52That I feel like I have to pull them along
00:38:55My frustration
00:38:56To them is perceived as believing that they are a piece of shit or that they will never be good enough for me
00:39:02I feel like i'm holding myself back to keep the peace
00:39:05The more I grow the more they become insecure. I don't want my kids to watch me sacrifice who I am because of my partner
00:39:14What's your counsel to somebody that's in that position where they're growing and their partner's not well, so
00:39:21I want to set up that framework again
00:39:23That is my problem that they're not like me or that my needs aren't getting met now
00:39:29If someone doesn't read the same books as you
00:39:32Or doesn't fancy going to that
00:39:35weekend program that weekend seminar
00:39:39like
00:39:40That shit that has no bearing on the relationship on its own, you know, it's like skiing. It's true
00:39:46It's just a program. It's just a book
00:39:48It's just a someone someone could have grown up on a farm having never even
00:39:54Connected with the idea that there was a self-development world in existence
00:39:58You might be the same age and meet each other and have learned just as much about life
00:40:03through completely different paths
00:40:05And the fact that they don't know about this or they don't know this language that you've learned
00:40:11And they don't understand these therapies or this growth work or whatever is utterly irrelevant
00:40:17But where the the rubber meets the road is
00:40:23Is it is them not doing that work
00:40:26Denying you something fundamental in a relationship. For example
00:40:31Are they unable to?
00:40:34apologize
00:40:36because
00:40:37they
00:40:38Have no self-awareness of the traits that they have that are truly destructive
00:40:44And they're not conscious
00:40:46Of the things they're doing that are really destructive and they're not even interested in becoming more aware of those things
00:40:52They they don't have to become aware of it through therapy
00:40:55They don't have to become aware of it by reading the same books
00:40:57But they can just become aware of it through conversation with you
00:40:59What do you do if you're like in the relationship though?
00:41:02Because most people are not as transformed as you guys if you find that when you bring something up that affects you
00:41:08It's met with disinterest
00:41:10It's met with judgment. It's met with contempt
00:41:13Then you don't have the kind of teammate that you're looking for
00:41:16You don't have someone who values teamwork and that becomes a deep compatibility issue
00:41:21So it's you're sensing to what extent do I genuinely have a teammate?
00:41:26And you only know the extent to which you genuinely have a teammate when you're able to have these kinds of conversations
00:41:33I don't want to have these conversations mad. I just want it to be perfect
00:41:36I mean, what do you mean we have to talk about it? I have a bunch of speed round kind of questions around dating
00:41:42Okay, so, um, what advice do you have for?
00:41:47People who have been single for a long time and are struggling to find love
00:41:57First
00:41:59the story
00:42:01Is almost certainly now going to become if you're not careful your biggest enemy
00:42:07Because there is now us now. It's not just the pain of
00:42:11Loneliness
00:42:12That pang of I wish I had someone and I don't it's the story. I've told myself about why that is
00:42:18That i'm not enough that i'm undesirable
00:42:21That i'm always the person before the person they marry that all the good ones are taken
00:42:27that you there's a story now that's no longer serving you the the greatest gift you can give yourself is
00:42:34don't try to fix your
00:42:36Loneliness or the fact that you would really like to meet someone that's a part of being human
00:42:42There are going to be times where you feel lonely
00:42:45There are going to be times where you ache because you'd really like to have someone in this life
00:42:50But the thing that turns that pain into unbearable pain
00:42:55is the relationship you have with your loneliness the relationship you have with
00:43:00Being single and so much of that relationship is defined by this story that gets created
00:43:06Loneliness the ache of wanting someone and not having found them is like a chronic
00:43:12Pain, it is a chronic pain. It's just a chronic emotional pain. How do you change it? Because it sounds terrible
00:43:18Firstly the the deeper work is changing your relationship with it
00:43:22The more surface level work is you do everything you can to make it inevitable
00:43:27That you can meet someone and what are those things
00:43:31um, well
00:43:32firstly
00:43:34Get comfortable with where you are
00:43:36Because if you can't get comfortable where you are, then anytime someone comes along
00:43:41You will you will join whatever cult comes your way
00:43:44Because you just want to get out of pain. So you have to get yourself to a place where you're happy enough
00:43:50Without someone you don't have to be blissfully happy
00:43:52But happy enough that you can always say no to the wrong thing because you will find the right person faster
00:43:57If you can say no to the wrong people quicker
00:44:00Great, so you have to be happy enough that you can say no to the wrong people when they come along and not grip
00:44:05onto them
00:44:06um
00:44:08Give yourself a kind of portfolio of investments in your love life. So
00:44:13There's nothing wrong with online dating. It's one investment, but it shouldn't be your only investment
00:44:19Um, how are you investing in your social circle?
00:44:24Are you still hanging out with the same three friends that you've been hanging out with for the last 10 years?
00:44:30Two of which are married and one of whom you love but she never stops talking shit about men
00:44:37And she feels so disillusioned that she's like screw dating altogether. Well, that's okay and be that person's friend, but
00:44:45That's not that can't be your peer group for trying to improve your love life
00:44:50so start saying have I got the right people around me who are
00:44:54Opportunity generating are they the kinds of people that say to me? Hey, let's go do something today
00:45:00And let's not just go do something where the two of us do something on our own
00:45:03But let's go be in a place where there's other people
00:45:06Are you joining communities if you run?
00:45:09Why aren't you in a running club?
00:45:12If you really want to meet someone and you're running anyway
00:45:16Why are you not part of a running club where there's 50 people there that can become an entire new community for you?
00:45:23Some of which may be right for you. One of them may be or even if no one there is right for you
00:45:29There are now a community of people that are more likely to invite you to their individual birthday parties
00:45:35Where their brother is single or their sister is single or there
00:45:39There's someone there that could be the right person all because you put yourself in a new community
00:45:45Now if you say to me my time's all spoken for start looking for the things that you already do in your week
00:45:51You you know, you keep going to the class at your gym. This is the thing people always say
00:45:56Oh matt, you think there's anyone at my class in my gym? There's no one there
00:45:59Are you going to the only gym in your city?
00:46:02Like you're telling me that's the only that's the only fitness class going on in your city
00:46:07switch classes
00:46:09Their entire new group of people right there. You can't go to a different church this week one weekend
00:46:15So that you meet a whole different group of people. There's more than one place that does the things you enjoy
00:46:21But if you're addicted to your existing community the places where you do everything the places the friends you have
00:46:26Places the friends you have then you're never putting yourself in the new communities where you won't have one new option
00:46:33But 10 20 30 new options. So it's it's there's many many pieces of advice like this
00:46:39but that's just a couple and it gives people a sense that
00:46:43the limitations i'm giving myself are really a kind of
00:46:48There are there me
00:46:50they're a cover for the way my life has kind of calcified and and
00:46:55Hardened into this thing that i've made immovable when actually there's so much opportunity around me
00:47:01I'm, not exploring it because there's an activation energy
00:47:04Required to explore it and it's more than the price. I want to pay
00:47:09What advice do you give for?
00:47:11um, just the scene of so many people doing online dating
00:47:16and the fatigue and the anxiety and the frustration that comes with just feeling like
00:47:21There's a lot of cycling through and flaking out and being ghosted
00:47:25As you are out in the world dating and let's say you've taken your advice, which I think is
00:47:31So important for everyone to hear that online dating is not your only option
00:47:35and I think people have really relied on that and pulled away from
00:47:40communities and putting themselves out there and joining different churches and
00:47:44Trying new things and joining the running club and just being more open in day-to-day life. Yeah
00:47:52And I think it takes even more post pandemic to start doing that for yourself, but what are some of the other pieces of advice?
00:47:59Because it is very hard. That's what I hear from everybody that is dating. It's very hard
00:48:04It's very frustrating that the app scene sucks. It's just another social media app at this point
00:48:11and
00:48:12You just feel like a commodity and it's a numbers game, which is why you have to obsess over the way you use your energy
00:48:20Both on and off those vehicles because those vehicles
00:48:24like they they
00:48:26They're dopamine machines
00:48:28And me and my wife were talking about this literally this morning. She was talking to me
00:48:32she was like, you know, I just realized i've got back into a little dopamine cycle with instagram where
00:48:39I now i'm like there's a friend. I haven't texted back
00:48:43And i'm telling myself I haven't got time to text this friend back, which is real connection
00:48:48And then I go straight to instagram
00:48:51And I relate to that too. This is the same way that people use dating apps
00:48:56So we have to manage our own way that we use those things people are not wrong dating culture today for so many people
00:49:04sucks
00:49:06And it is hard to find love
00:49:08I I i'm not one of those people that
00:49:11Talks about how easy it is. It's hard
00:49:14Hard
00:49:16It's the one area where we feel like we're out of control
00:49:21Because if you want to lose weight or get in better shape, you can eat better and you can train every day
00:49:25And your bodied shape will change
00:49:28You want to make more sales? You can pick up the phone. You want to save more money?
00:49:32You can deposit in the bank account every day the money will accumulate
00:49:36But you could go on a date every day of the week for the next year and still not find the love of your life
00:49:42That is infuriating
00:49:43It is not if it were a board game
00:49:45It wouldn't be monopoly with its steady accumulation of houses and hotels
00:49:48It would be chutes and ladders where you feel like you make all this progress climbing up the ladder
00:49:53And finally i'm on date five with someone it feels like it's going somewhere and then they ghost me
00:49:58And I just go all the way back down
00:50:00but even worse it feels like because now i've got less time and i'm heartbroken and I feel bad about myself and i'm
00:50:06Questioning my worth and i'm questioning the people that i'm dating and they're and how great they are
00:50:11one of my favorite quotes is a mitch album quote where he says if
00:50:16You don't like the culture
00:50:18You have to be brave enough to create your own
00:50:22And
00:50:24That is so relevant in dating and in finding love because so many of us are going into our love lives
00:50:33as
00:50:34culture adopters
00:50:36not leaders
00:50:38You know, one of the best things about like starting a business, you know, this is that you get to decide
00:50:44What you you get to look at all the other businesses that do things like you and you get to decide?
00:50:49The kind of business you want to create you get to decide the kind of culture you want to have with your team
00:50:55And they and because of that you get to put your thumbprint on it
00:50:59And the strength of your leadership
00:51:02Then it has this infectious impact on everyone else
00:51:07it's not just that you hire people who are like you you hire people and you give them a
00:51:12Heavy dose of that culture and the way we do things here and some people go. Oh my god
00:51:16This is what i've been looking for and they rise to that culture and other people fall off because they can't
00:51:22that can happen in love too how
00:51:24how because here's the thing like literally I just I I want I really want to hear the how because I have
00:51:31I have so many extraordinary
00:51:34People in my life who are single who are frustrated
00:51:37by the toxic dating scene that is very much driven by apps and social media
00:51:43and
00:51:45that
00:51:46the
00:51:47advice about
00:51:50Creating your own culture and being brave enough to create your own. I totally get that
00:51:55How do you do that? And what advice do you have?
00:51:58Without getting resigned
00:52:00If it's taking so long, you see what i'm saying?
00:52:03Like like I think that it's really important you go. I am not going to buy into this shit
00:52:08I am going to have very high standards for myself
00:52:10I'm going to be brave and have the courage to create a different culture and just have the conversation because my energy is worth it
00:52:16And i'm also going to
00:52:18Invest in things that make me come alive
00:52:21Because I know the more that i'm raising my standards for my own life the more likely i'm going to bump into somebody
00:52:27That
00:52:28I could potentially have a long-term relationship with so first you go slow to go fast in your love life. You don't
00:52:35Race to date someone because you really want to be able to tell the people at thanksgiving that you're dating someone now
00:52:42you don't
00:52:43rush because you're just you want us you want a love story in your life, even if it's
00:52:49Uh one that's precarious and you don't know where you stand because it's better than nothing you go slow to go fast
00:52:56Then when you're actually engaging with people
00:53:00you start to
00:53:02Lead with the kind of energy you would like to see
00:53:07From other people there's a piece of advice i've been giving for a long time, which is both deeply true and flawed
00:53:15it's
00:53:15Don't invest in someone
00:53:18Based on how much you like them invest in someone based on how much they invest in you
00:53:24Now if you follow that rule
00:53:26You're going to be okay
00:53:28Because you're not going to get into these situations where you are over investing in someone who's not giving you the same back
00:53:34Because you keep telling yourself it's so important and there's attraction when really that person is not investing or committing on the level you are
00:53:41So why are you bothering at some point?
00:53:45Someone has to do a little bit more than the other person
00:53:48Otherwise, we're just in a stalemate
00:53:51We're just at the school disco with these people on this side and these people on that side and no one doing anything
00:53:57So at some point someone's got across the room
00:54:01Now if you apply that to let's say online dating or just you're texting someone you've met someone an online date
00:54:07On a dating app you're now texting them
00:54:09What does it look like to create your own culture in that situation? Well
00:54:15if you're only
00:54:17Mirroring what they're doing
00:54:19Then you're mirroring all of the worst parts of dating culture
00:54:24As a way to protect yourself because i'm only going to invest as much as they do, but you're now actually mirroring the culture
00:54:31so instead
00:54:33What we have to do is say
00:54:35If I were creating my own culture, what would I do?
00:54:39Well
00:54:41You know what there is in this texting thing. There's a real lack of humanity
00:54:45It's just words on a screen and we've been going back and forth and there's just something missing in this
00:54:50It doesn't feel like a real connection
00:54:53so the next time they
00:54:55Send me a text and say what you up to
00:54:57I'm gonna leave them a voice note
00:55:00It's a tiny thing
00:55:01But i'm gonna leave them a voice note and just say hey
00:55:03I am at ikea with my sister right now and we are buying furniture for this room in our house
00:55:09And i'm already dreading the fact that I have to put this thing together. It's going to be a complete disaster
00:55:13I'll send you a picture
00:55:17They're hearing your voice and it's it's already let's say they are dating three other people
00:55:23Or talking to three other people
00:55:26Your voice you're attacking a different sense
00:55:30They're hearing you there's a different intimacy to a voice note
00:55:34And it invites them to the table
00:55:37But what I like about what you're saying is it's actually more about you giving yourself permission to just show up as yourself
00:55:43And not worry about whether or not
00:55:46That is what drives somebody to a different level and having the standard on the back end
00:55:52So having the bravery on the front end to create the culture and instigate it by being a leader not a follower
00:55:58but having the standard on the back end that says
00:56:03If I don't feel that this pattern that i'm instigating
00:56:08is reciprocated
00:56:10Then I can back off
00:56:12If I send you a message this tomorrow morning and I instigate and I say, you know, hi lovely
00:56:18I hope you have an amazing day today. I was just thinking of you
00:56:21And I do that i'm brave and I instigate that
00:56:25If tomorrow you don't send me a message
00:56:28Then fair enough
00:56:29All right. I got it. What i'm not going to do is send you another message tomorrow morning and and then a week later
00:56:34So I don't question mark. I don't question mark or just say let's say no, but let's say they texted back that day
00:56:39You instigated right so that was a brave thing to do but you don't want to be in a pattern with someone where you're always
00:56:44Instigating so if the next day they don't instigate or you find that you're the one constantly instigating
00:56:51Then you back off. What you don't do is keep instigating. They keep texting back and you say
00:56:56I don't get it. They must like me because they keep texting me back
00:56:59But you know, they never I I just wish they'd asked me on a date. Well, you are you are setting up that dynamic
00:57:06By having no standards on the back end of this so that's where you mirror if you create the culture and then
00:57:14They can't reciprocate then you go. Okay. I'm gonna back off you model first
00:57:20Then you mirror but what we're doing is mirroring someone from the start
00:57:25If someone hasn't texted you in two weeks, and then they say and you've been hurt by it
00:57:30And you're like wow, this really sucks. We had such a great date two weeks ago. I really wanted to see them
00:57:35I've barely heard from them and then two weeks later on a saturday. They say do you want to do something tonight?
00:57:39Do you want to go to a movie?
00:57:40It'd be so great to see you
00:57:41The temptation is to go i'm going to be happy cool person here because I don't want to make it seem like i've been thinking
00:57:47About them for two weeks. So then we mirror them
00:57:50We go. Yeah movie sounds great. What time well, what the hell would you say without sounding like a psycho like clingy bitch?
00:57:57Well, it depends how long you say. Hey, one of the things I really value is consistency
00:58:02And I haven't really heard from you. So i'd like to see you. It'd be fun to see you but I kind of assumed
00:58:07You know, we weren't on the same page because I haven't heard from you for two weeks
00:58:10Like you just say that
00:58:13I was you make it sound so simple
00:58:17And I think the advice is incredible i'm reflecting
00:58:21because I I
00:58:23know how emotions
00:58:25Get the best of us which comes back to your original point that that's why it's
00:58:30Dangerous and that's why you have to go slow
00:58:34To go fast and before you just immediately text back take a beat
00:58:39Assess where you are
00:58:41Be a little bit more honest and vulnerable
00:58:45And when you lead with that and you create your own culture in dating
00:58:51Now you are in a more powerful position
00:58:55That's exactly right. And if you can't and if you don't get your needs met you have to be
00:59:00You're being very warm and kind and compassionate in the way you bring things up
00:59:05but if
00:59:06You don't get what you really need you have to be ruthless
00:59:11In your response with your energy and that's where the tiger comes out
00:59:15Is not in me biting your head off because you haven't texted me for two weeks
00:59:18You're going to get my sensitivity and my vulnerability about that part because I I actually was kind of sad
00:59:23I didn't hear from you. We had such a great time
00:59:26but where you'll see the tiger is
00:59:29That I have absolutely no patience for someone who's not showing up for me, right so I
00:59:34Aggressively move forward with my life. I am a train
00:59:39that goes
00:59:40And you if you step too close to the train as it's leaving the platform, you're gonna get hurt
00:59:45So you're either on or you're off but this train is leaving right because i'm not waiting around for somebody to text me back
00:59:51No, hey, it's me again back in vermont. Thank you for being here with me on youtube. Didn't you love that?
00:59:58I'm, so grateful that matthew was here to handle online dating in particular
01:00:01I'm, so grateful that you are here and if you love this conversation, please hit subscribe
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01:00:11It also supports me in bringing you world-class experts and it helps me bring you brand new videos every single day
01:00:19So thank you. Thank you. Thank you for hitting subscribe. I really appreciate it
01:00:23And if you love this conversation you're gonna love the first episode
01:00:28That I did on the mel robbins podcast with matthew hussey
01:00:32He shared this framework the four levels of relationship with me in this episode
01:00:38It changed the way that I think about relationships including my marriage forever. It's gonna blow your mind. So check this out