The One - BL movie
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg
00:30This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:32Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:34Please do not imitate.
01:01I said I'd get one for you!
01:03Hey, Steffi! What time is it?
01:31Hello, Stu. It is 6.04pm.
01:34Shit!
01:43I'm so tired of truffles.
01:45Yeah, me too.
01:46I hear they have great food vehicles below the line, but I'm simply too scared to go down there.
01:53You must eat here.
01:54Three stars.
01:55Reminder, as a resident of above the line, you must eat here by end of month.
02:01Okay, we've got the Belgian Long Grain Wheat Quintuple IPA.
02:05Don't mind if I do.
02:09Creamy nose feel.
02:10Nice.
02:11And a Pumpkin Saffron Super Double Triple IPA.
02:14Boom.
02:15And who is the lager in a bottle for?
02:17Oh, that's my buddy. Sorry, he's always late.
02:19I had to dig way back in the cooler for this. Didn't even know we had them anymore.
02:22Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?
02:24Hey!
02:25Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:26Hey, we're both happily married.
02:27Crazy now.
02:29That's great.
02:30Yeah.
02:31Dewis!
02:32Stu!
02:33What up, bro?
02:34What up?
02:35Hey.
02:39Stu, Pobby, Pobby, Stu.
02:40Nice to meet you, bro.
02:41Good to meet you, bro.
02:42Sorry I'm late.
02:43You know what?
02:44I hear you're always late.
02:45Hey.
02:46Guilty.
02:48Oh, jeez, you had it.
02:51Wow, how do you drink that stuff?
02:53Love this stuff.
02:54Just grew up on it, you know?
02:55Lager.
02:56That's rough.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Hey, so Stu, any dates this week, man?
02:59No, none this week.
03:00Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
03:02Dates?
03:03You weren't assigned at birth?
03:05Why?
03:06Oh, Stu grew up below the line.
03:07Oh, shit.
03:08Yeah, nobody below the line gets assigned.
03:10You have to date, so.
03:11But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.
03:14The Unappetizer.
03:15Yeah, so she made a whole bunch of money.
03:16We moved above the line, but I was already 18 by then, so I still got a date.
03:19Dude, I love the Unappetizer.
03:21Everybody does.
03:22Hold on.
03:23Let me get this out of here.
03:24Steppy?
03:25Hello, Pobby.
03:26What can I do for you?
03:27Launch Unappetizer.
03:28Unappetizer?
03:29Unappetizer recommends deleting meet-me-sex-me as you are now married.
03:34It also recommends deleting where-see-movie-at as all movies are available on me.
03:39It recommends deleting get-buff-quick as you have clearly given up.
03:42Man, this is crazy.
03:45You know, the dating world, I feel like I just did my assigned hookups after college
03:49and then did a little meet-me-sex-me, and then I married nature, and it's good.
03:53It is good.
03:54Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.
04:00Sorry to interrupt, but I was eavesdropping.
04:02Have you tried The One That's The One?
04:04Uh, no.
04:06No.
04:07What is The One That's The One?
04:09A dating site.
04:10It's called The One That's The One because it promises 100% guaranteed
04:13to send you the one that's the one, the perfect person for you.
04:17Oh.
04:18That's how I met my wife, Macuela.
04:20How do you spell that?
04:21M-Q-ampersand-la.
04:26Old school spelling.
04:27Nice.
04:28You haven't seen the commercial?
04:29No.
04:30Here.
04:32Do you work for the company?
04:34I'm still waiting to hear back.
04:36Oh.
04:38Grew up below the line, sick of your mandated mate,
04:41looking for someone but coming up with none,
04:43just plain tired of the dating scene.
04:45Well, try The One That's The One.
04:48At Najari Labs, we use a combination of specific questions
04:51combined with DNA testing to assure that you get your perfect match.
04:56Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Najari,
04:58has developed an algorithm that promises to send you not just anyone,
05:01but the one that's the one.
05:03It even works for me?
05:07Get out of here, you daddy old lovebirds.
05:09Come on down to Najari Labs today and find your The One That's The One.
05:21Get out of here.
05:28I'm dancing.
05:35Oh.
05:37Stu.
05:38Yes.
05:39Stu Maxim.
05:40Oh, hey, it's you from the commercial.
05:42I have no idea what you're talking about.
05:46Follow me.
05:51I can't believe I'm doing this.
05:52At first I thought, no way.
05:53You know, no way am I going to do that.
05:55I mean, I don't know.
05:56Isn't that like, I don't know, me doing one that's the one,
05:59isn't that like someone from above the line being assigned?
06:01Yeah, it is.
06:02And then I thought, well, I'm above the line now.
06:04Maybe I should do it.
06:05Also, I was just sort of depressed.
06:07My mom's been really hard on me to find somebody.
06:09Not crazy, though.
06:10She's really sweet.
06:11I can tell you're nervous.
06:12Just relax.
06:13Are you sure you'll be satisfied with our service?
06:15Yeah.
06:16Okay, so as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,
06:19we're going to ask you a few questions.
06:20Sure.
06:21The results of these two tests will give us the information we need
06:23to find your one that's the one.
06:25Great.
06:26All that matters is that you answer honestly.
06:27Sure.
06:28Okay.
06:29What is your favorite number?
06:31Three.
06:32No, eight.
06:33It's okay, the questions can be a little awkward.
06:36Just answer honestly.
06:37Okay.
06:38What is your favorite number?
06:39Four.
06:40Good.
06:41What is your favorite food?
06:42Pepperoni pizza.
06:43Me too.
06:44Okay, next question.
06:45You're in the desert walking in the sand,
06:47and all of a sudden you look down,
06:48you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
06:50You reach down and flip it over on its back.
06:52Oh.
06:53The tortoise lays there on its back,
06:55its belly baking in the sun,
06:56its legs flailing.
06:58It can't turn itself over without your help,
07:00but you're not helping.
07:01Why is that?
07:03Oh, I don't know.
07:05I feel like I'd probably help.
07:08Huh.
07:10You meet someone that reminds you of someone you just saw in a commercial.
07:14He denies being that person.
07:17What do you do?
07:21And sign here.
07:22Okay.
07:26Great.
07:27And that's 82 credits.
07:28Okay.
07:32Okay.
07:33Congratulations.
07:35Dr. Najari will enter all your information into the algorithm,
07:38and your one that's the one will arrive at your home tonight,
07:41exactly at midnight.
07:42Oh, midnight.
07:43Okay.
07:44For dramatic effect.
07:45All right.
07:55I'll see you.
07:57Good night.
08:17Hi, Stu.
08:50You have a visitor.
08:56I'm coming.
09:00Hi.
09:02Hi.
09:03Can I help you?
09:04Um, I'm Bert.
09:08Um, I'm your one that's the one.
09:14Hey.
09:15Oh, don't come in.
09:17No.
09:18Uh, sorry.
09:19That's just ridiculous.
09:21You can't be my one that's the one.
09:22No, of course not.
09:23I mean, and I apologize for asking you this.
09:28Are you a homosexual?
09:29No.
09:30Well, neither am I.
09:31Right.
09:32See, okay.
09:33So clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.
09:34Yeah.
09:35I mean, I guess so.
09:36I mean, I want my money back.
09:37I mean, no offense.
09:38Hey, none taken.
09:40Oh, man.
09:42Oh, don't take it so hard, buddy.
09:45No, it's just, I don't know.
09:47Sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.
09:49Just, uh, it sucks.
09:51It sucks to be born below the line.
09:52Where?
09:53What neighborhood?
09:54Tallybeck Heights.
09:55It's right by Oosker and Beanoin.
09:56I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.
09:58No way.
09:59God, I was happy for that.
10:00Tell me about it.
10:01Huh?
10:04Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
10:06Bert Chund.
10:07Hey, yeah, you too.
10:08Stu Maxim.
10:09You know, honestly, I'm just, I don't know.
10:11I'm glad if someone finally showed up.
10:12Got to be 12.15.
10:13I was thinking no one was coming.
10:14You know?
10:15I'm sorry about that.
10:16I'm always late.
10:17That's something I should work on.
10:18No, don't think twice about it.
10:22Well, hey, listen, I got kind of hungry.
10:23I was actually, I was going to go grab some food.
10:25I don't know.
10:26You want to, you want to come?
10:27Yeah, I could eat.
10:28Yeah?
10:29You ever go to Al's?
10:30Al's Diner?
10:31Below the line?
10:32Love that place.
10:36Reason for going below the line?
10:37Going to get diner food.
10:38Gross.
10:39Normally, I don't love patting people down.
10:41But when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.
10:44Glad I made your night better.
10:46Okay, let's go.
10:47Right behind you.
10:48Bye.
10:59I love when they're going to blow the door off that armored car.
11:02Oh, yes, yes.
11:03And they decide not to.
11:04It blows up anyway.
11:05Yes.
11:06Right.
11:07I love that show.
11:08Hey, Al.
11:12What do you want?
11:13Egg white omelette.
11:16Egg white omelette.
11:17But could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?
11:20What?
11:21No way.
11:22That's my order.
11:23I mean, that's literally what I ordered.
11:24It's so funny because I like the yolks.
11:25Separate.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Yeah.
11:28I'm going to do the same.
11:30Okay.
11:33What do you have?
11:34It's unbelievable.
11:36But then my wife passed away.
11:37I'm sorry about that.
11:38Oh, it's okay.
11:39It was a long time ago.
11:40I got this.
11:41Oh, no.
11:42Come on.
11:43Let me get it.
11:44No, no.
11:45No, no.
11:46I got it.
11:47I invited you.
11:48Let me taste.
11:49No, no.
11:50I got it.
11:51I got it.
11:52All right.
11:54Well, that was fun.
11:55Yeah, that was a blast.
11:56And look, if I ever need a new car, I know who to call, right?
11:57Please, Mike.
12:05Please, Mike.
12:06Days on the floor over.
12:07I'm a desk jockey now.
12:08Listen, I'm back this way, actually.
12:11So, see you around?
12:13Oh, I'm sorry.
12:14No, it's weird that I went for that hug.
12:20Take it easy.
12:21Yup.
12:22Bye.
12:23Yeah.
12:34Hello?
12:36Hello?
12:39Hello?
12:42Hello?
12:50Dr. Najari?
12:54Hello?
13:00Hello?
13:04Whoa!
13:06Ah!
13:08Ah!
13:10Ah!
13:12Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
13:20Well, I guess he didn't want to give us our money back.
13:22Yeah, I guess not.
13:24Good to see ya.
13:26What are you doing? You want to get lunch or something?
13:28Well, I had some work to do, but...
13:30You like grilled cheese?
13:32Yes.
13:36Whoa.
13:38That was crazy.
13:40I had no idea it was gonna happen.
13:42Me neither.
13:44Well, maybe some idea.
13:48Did you still want that grilled cheese?
13:50Nope. I don't even like grilled cheese.
13:54I'm lactose intolerant.
13:56Stop.
13:58You dog.
14:02Stop.
14:04Stop.
14:06Stop.
14:08Stop.
14:10Stop.
14:12Stop.
14:14Stop.
14:16Stop.
14:18Stop.
14:20Stop.
14:22Stop.
14:24Stop.
14:26Stop.
14:28Stop.
14:30Stop.
14:32Stop.
14:34Stop.
14:36Stop.
14:38Stop.
14:40Stop.
14:42Stop.
14:44Stop.
14:46Stop.
14:48Stop.
14:50Stop.
14:52Stop.
14:54Stop.
14:56Stop.
14:58Come on.
15:00Hey!
15:02Hi, guys.
15:04Good to see you.
15:06Mom, Dad, this is Bert.
15:08Hi, I'm Ron.
15:10Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chun.
15:12Call me Bert. My father was Mr. Chun.
15:14He's as witty as you said, Stu.
15:16I'm Linda.
15:18Enchanté.
15:20Bonjour.
15:24Okay, here.
15:26Oh.
15:28All right.
15:30Oh, I love that song.
15:32Hey, let's sing it.
15:34Whoa, whoa, cha-cha.
15:36Please, Mr. Lion Guard man,
15:38don't check my bag out.
15:40Don't check my bag out.
15:42Oh, I love
15:44Marlo Umphrey.
15:46I saw him live 17 times.
15:48Stu, you sure know how to choose them.
15:50Thanks, Dad. I, um, I was kind of nervous
15:52that you guys would be, I don't know,
15:54the same size age.
15:56Are you kidding me?
15:58You've given us another old fogey to talk about the good old days with.
16:00Oh, hey, Linda.
16:02Stu mentioned that you like owls.
16:04And, uh, so
16:06I picked one up for you.
16:08I hope you like it.
16:10Bert. Oh, that's so sweet.
16:12Oh.
16:14Oh.
16:16Oh, a mechanical owl.
16:18Oh, it's beautiful.
16:20Oh, it'll look
16:22perfect with my collection.
16:24Thank you. Are you guys staying
16:26for dinner? Um... Please.
16:28Dinner? Yeah.
16:30Sure, thank you. Yay!
16:34Jesus. Nervous.
16:36Sweating. Don't be.
16:38They're great kids. Besides, this is
16:40different from me meeting your parents.
16:42These are my kids. And if they don't like you,
16:44I'll tell them they have to.
16:48I just, I feel like they'll be comparing me
16:50to their mother. Stu, listen. Martha was a wonderful
16:52woman, and when she passed away, none of our
16:54lives were the same. But these are good kids.
16:56They want to see their dad happy. Kids!
16:58There they are!
17:00Liza, this is Stu.
17:02Hi. Hi. Nice to
17:04meet you. You too. Dad, you didn't
17:06tell me he was super hot. I wanted
17:08to surprise you.
17:10Booj, this is Stu. Booj?
17:12How are ya?
17:14Forget this. I'll be in the
17:16backyard.
17:18Sorry, he's just
17:20adjusting. I'm gonna go talk to him.
17:22Actually, no. You know what?
17:24Let me go talk to him.
17:38Hey, bud.
17:40Hey.
17:44You're, uh, you're pretty great on that thing.
17:48Yeah.
17:52Hey, you, uh,
17:54you like safe ball?
17:58Yeah, I guess.
18:00Why don't you go along?
18:02Come on.
18:04It'll be fun.
18:08Hey, go get out there.
18:12You, uh, play in high school?
18:14Yeah, I played at Central Awards.
18:16I played at Island Awards.
18:18Man, you above the line guys
18:20always kicked our butts.
18:26Listen, how you holdin' up?
18:28It's just, you're not
18:30my mom. Hey, hey.
18:32I totally get that.
18:34Alright? I don't wanna be your mom.
18:36Look, I couldn't be.
18:38From what your dad says,
18:40she was one of a kind. Yeah, she,
18:42she was.
18:44But I mean, that's not everything.
18:46Come on, champ. You can tell me.
18:48After mom died, I just got
18:50really depressed.
18:52So then eventually my assigned
18:54mate
18:56filed for unassignment.
18:58Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines?
19:00Oh, that's what my sister did. I don't know.
19:02I feel like I should maybe
19:04try to just figure it out
19:06for myself. Listen.
19:08Hey.
19:10It's okay. Look at me.
19:12You don't think I was scared
19:14getting into this with your dad?
19:16I was terrified.
19:18He's a big man.
19:20Yeah? Yeah.
19:22Well, listen, if there's one thing
19:24that I can tell you, it's that
19:26anything, anything can be
19:28overcome with a little bit of courage.
19:30And I know
19:32you got some of that, right?
19:34You just gotta find it.
19:36Where is it? Huh?
19:38Is it there? No. No? Is it over there?
19:40No. Where is it? Where's that courage?
19:42It's not there. Yeah? Where is it? Come on.
19:44It's right here. Yeah!
19:46That's where it is. There's my big guy.
19:48You all right?
19:50Come here.
19:54Thanks, Stu.
20:04Hey, uh, Egg White.
20:06When are you gonna finish that up and give your old man a back rub?
20:08Why am I the one decorating this tree,
20:10and why am I the one giving the back rub?
20:14Who could that be at this time?
20:16You have a visitor.
20:18Come on in!
20:20You.
20:22That's the guy from the One That's the One commercial.
20:24No, I'm the technician from Najari Labs.
20:26Same guy. I assure you I'm not. Huh.
20:28Mr. Chund, Mr. Maxim.
20:30We're both Mr. Maxim now. Oh.
20:32Well, I don't normally make house calls,
20:34but this is a special situation.
20:36You see, when Dr. Najari computed your input
20:38at the One That's the One,
20:40he made a mistake.
20:42He forgot to carry the one.
20:44You are not each other's One That's the One.
20:46But we've been together for a year.
20:48Yeah. I mean, we're married.
20:50I can't apologize enough.
20:52It's the first mistake in the history of the One That's the One.
20:54Mr. Maxim,
20:56this is your One That's the One.
20:58Oh.
21:00Mr. Maxim,
21:02this is yours.
21:04Al from the diner? Yes.
21:06And it's still a dude? Yes. Huh.
21:08We should have connected you two.
21:10Al got so lonely,
21:12he relocated to Irmingblam.
21:14Irmingblam's horrible this time of year. So humid.
21:16Listen, we don't care what you say, okay?
21:18We're satisfied with these results.
21:20We really love one another. We're happy.
21:22I understand that, but you can't argue the science.
21:24Forget the science. We work.
21:26I mean, we may contradict some data, but why would that matter?
21:28I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.
21:30Dr. Najari.
21:32You've been waiting out by the entranceway all this time.
21:34Why didn't you just walk in?
21:36I don't know. Surely, we're...
21:38That's your opinion.
21:40You see, the upper classes are assigned mates
21:42at birth to preserve order.
21:44There is much more at stake here than just your relationship.
21:46Order is the foundation
21:48of our community, above the line.
21:50You two have been mandated
21:52for separation. What?
21:54No. No way are we separating.
21:56You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
21:58In a fine print, it says that in the event of a mistake,
22:00separation is legally required.
22:02Who's gonna make us?
22:04Yeah, I am.
22:06Actually, those two will,
22:08but because I tell them to.
22:10Were you two out here this whole time?
22:12Yeah, again, just super weird.
22:14Like, how many more people are in the house?
22:16Shut up.
22:18You have two hours to separate.
22:20What?
22:22Two hours?
22:24Two hours.
22:26Yeah, I got it.
22:30Well, that's everything.
22:34You want to try to take these guys out?
22:36I'm gonna miss you so much.
22:38They're armed. We can't take them.
22:50This could have been great.
22:52It was great.
22:54Hey, I know.
22:56Come here.
22:58Shh.
23:04Did you get your pot ticket?
23:06Yep.
23:08Leaving for Irmingblum 10 p.m. Thursday.
23:10Uh...
23:14My car homie's here, so...
23:18I gotta go.
23:20Piper?
23:24Good luck in Irmingblum.
23:26Goodbye.
23:28Hank White.
23:50So, did you notice that I get my egg whites?
23:52Right?
23:54But then I get the yolks on the side.
23:56Why would you do that?
23:58Because I don't like them with the egg whites, so...
24:00I don't know.
24:02I don't know.
24:04I don't know.
24:06I don't know.
24:08I don't know.
24:10I don't know.
24:12I don't know.
24:14I don't know.
24:16I don't know.
24:18I don't know.
24:20I don't know.
24:22I don't know.
24:24I don't know.
24:26I don't know.
24:28I don't know.
24:30I don't know.
24:32I don't know.
24:34I don't know.
24:36I don't know.
24:38I don't know.
24:40I don't know.
24:42I don't know.
24:44I don't know.
24:46I don't know.
24:56What are you doing?
24:58Nothing.
25:00Nothing. I'm doing nothing.
25:04I should be doing something.
25:10Hank!
25:12Hank!
25:14Burt!
25:15♪ I'm not here to change Your foolish disposition, baby ♪
25:18♪ We've been here before I think it's out of the bar ♪
25:22♪ I can't go on or let you be The one that's gone ♪
25:25Burt!
25:27Burt!
25:29Burt!
25:30Wait!
25:32Burt, wait!
25:34♪ You've been staring at me ♪
25:39♪ I'm down on my own ♪
25:44Why am I always late?
25:47Good thing I'm always late, too.
25:57Mm!
26:05Screw science.
26:07Yeah, screw science.
26:08♪♪
26:13♪ I wanna know which wavelets you're hanging on ♪
26:21♪ I wanna know which light you keep keeping on ♪
26:28♪ I wanna know...
26:31♪
26:33♪ Beside your heart ♪
26:37♪ I wanna know you completely and turn on your TV ♪
26:42♪ And put your records on, yeah ♪
26:55♪ I wanna leave this cold place and leave you warm ♪
27:02♪ I wanna be your shelter from the storm ♪
27:10♪ Yeah, I wanna know...
27:14♪ Beside your heart ♪
27:18♪ Cause I wanna know you completely and turn on your TV ♪
27:32You know, I think we're gonna like it here.
27:34Me too, Egg White.
27:36♪ Maybe something...
27:41You know what? I want to try something.
27:42It's silly, but let me try it.
27:44Oh, carry me through the threshold?
27:44Yeah, yeah.
27:45No, that'll be cute.
27:46Yeah, I like this.
27:48There we go.
27:49Ah, nah.
27:50No, no.
27:51I'll walk.
27:52Let's walk it.
27:53Yeah, yeah.
27:54Let me give you a hand.
27:55All right.
27:56♪ Cause I wanna know...
28:00♪ Do you?
28:07♪♪
28:17♪♪
28:27♪♪