Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg
00:30This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:32Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:34Please do not imitate.
01:01I said I'd get one for you!
01:03Hey, Steffi! What time is it?
01:31Hello, Stu. It is 6.04pm.
01:34Shit!
01:43I'm so tired of truffles.
01:45Yeah, me too.
01:46I hear they have great food vehicles below the line, but I'm simply too scared to go down there.
01:53You must eat here.
01:54Three stars.
01:55Reminder, as a resident of above the line, you must eat here by end of month.
02:01Okay, we've got the Belgian Long Grain Wheat Quintuple IPA.
02:05Don't mind if I do.
02:09Creamy nose feel.
02:10Nice.
02:11And a Pumpkin Saffron Super Double Triple IPA.
02:14Boom.
02:15And who is the lager in a bottle for?
02:17Oh, that's my buddy. Sorry, he's always late.
02:19I had to dig way back in the cooler for this. Didn't even know we had them anymore.
02:22Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?
02:24Hey!
02:25Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:26Hey, we're both happily married.
02:27Crazy now.
02:29That's great.
02:30Yeah.
02:31Dewis!
02:32Stu!
02:33What up, bro?
02:34What up?
02:35Hey.
02:39Stu, Pobby, Pobby, Stu.
02:40Nice to meet you, bro.
02:41Good to meet you, bro.
02:42Sorry I'm late.
02:43You know what?
02:44I hear you're always late.
02:45Hey.
02:46Guilty.
02:48Oh, jeez, you had it.
02:51Wow, how do you drink that stuff?
02:53Love this stuff.
02:54Just grew up on it, you know?
02:55Lager.
02:56That's rough.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Hey, so Stu, any dates this week, man?
02:59No, none this week.
03:00Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
03:02Dates?
03:03You weren't assigned at birth?
03:05Why?
03:06Oh, Stu grew up below the line.
03:07Oh, shit.
03:08Yeah, nobody below the line gets assigned.
03:10You have to date, so.
03:11But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.
03:14The Unappetizer.
03:15Yeah, so she made a whole bunch of money.
03:16We moved above the line, but I was already 18 by then, so I still got a date.
03:19Dude, I love the Unappetizer.
03:21Everybody does.
03:22Hold on.
03:23Let me get this out of here.
03:24Steppy?
03:25Hello, Pobby.
03:26What can I do for you?
03:27Launch Unappetizer.
03:28Unappetizer?
03:29Unappetizer recommends deleting meet-me-sex-me as you are now married.
03:34It also recommends deleting where-see-movie-at as all movies are available on me.
03:39It recommends deleting get-buff-quick as you have clearly given up.
03:42Man, this is crazy.
03:45You know, the dating world, I feel like I just did my assigned hookups after college
03:49and then did a little meet-me-sex-me, and then I married nature, and it's good.
03:53It is good.
03:54Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.
04:00Sorry to interrupt, but I was eavesdropping.
04:02Have you tried The One That's The One?
04:04Uh, no.
04:06No.
04:07What is The One That's The One?
04:09A dating site.
04:10It's called The One That's The One because it promises 100% guaranteed
04:13to send you the one that's the one, the perfect person for you.
04:17Oh.
04:18That's how I met my wife, Macuela.
04:20How do you spell that?
04:21M-Q-ampersand-la.
04:26Old school spelling.
04:27Nice.
04:28You haven't seen the commercial?
04:29No.
04:30Here.
04:32Do you work for the company?
04:34I'm still waiting to hear back.
04:36Oh.
04:38Grew up below the line, sick of your mandated mate,
04:41looking for someone but coming up with none,
04:43just plain tired of the dating scene.
04:45Well, try The One That's The One.
04:48At Najari Labs, we use a combination of specific questions
04:51combined with DNA testing to assure that you get your perfect match.
04:56Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Najari,
04:58has developed an algorithm that promises to send you not just anyone,
05:01but the one that's the one.
05:03It even works for me?
05:07Get out of here, you daddy old lovebirds.
05:09Come on down to Najari Labs today and find your The One That's The One.
05:21Get out of here.
05:28I'm dancing.
05:35Oh.
05:37Stu.
05:38Yes.
05:39Stu Maxim.
05:40Oh, hey, it's you from the commercial.
05:42I have no idea what you're talking about.
05:46Follow me.
05:51I can't believe I'm doing this.
05:52At first I thought, no way.
05:53You know, no way am I going to do that.
05:55I mean, I don't know.
05:56Isn't that like, I don't know, me doing one that's the one,
05:59isn't that like someone from above the line being assigned?
06:01Yeah, it is.
06:02And then I thought, well, I'm above the line now.
06:04Maybe I should do it.
06:05Also, I was just sort of depressed.
06:07My mom's been really hard on me to find somebody.
06:09Not crazy, though.
06:10She's really sweet.
06:11I can tell you're nervous.
06:12Just relax.
06:13Are you sure you'll be satisfied with our service?
06:15Yeah.
06:16Okay, so as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,
06:19we're going to ask you a few questions.
06:20Sure.
06:21The results of these two tests will give us the information we need
06:23to find your one that's the one.
06:25Great.
06:26All that matters is that you answer honestly.
06:27Sure.
06:28Okay.
06:29What is your favorite number?
06:31Three.
06:32No, eight.
06:33It's okay, the questions can be a little awkward.
06:36Just answer honestly.
06:37Okay.
06:38What is your favorite number?
06:39Four.
06:40Good.
06:41What is your favorite food?
06:42Pepperoni pizza.
06:43Me too.
06:44Okay, next question.
06:45You're in the desert walking in the sand,
06:47and all of a sudden you look down,
06:48you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
06:50You reach down and flip it over on its back.
06:52Oh.
06:53The tortoise lays there on its back,
06:55its belly baking in the sun,
06:56its legs flailing.
06:58It can't turn itself over without your help,
07:00but you're not helping.
07:01Why is that?
07:03Oh, I don't know.
07:05I feel like I'd probably help.
07:08Huh.
07:10You meet someone that reminds you of someone you just saw in a commercial.
07:14He denies being that person.
07:17What do you do?
07:21And sign here.
07:22Okay.
07:26Great.
07:27And that's 82 credits.
07:28Okay.
07:32Okay.
07:33Congratulations.
07:35Dr. Najari will enter all your information into the algorithm,
07:38and your one that's the one will arrive at your home tonight,
07:41exactly at midnight.
07:42Oh, midnight.
07:43Okay.
07:44For dramatic effect.
07:45All right.
07:55I'll see you.
07:57Good night.
08:17Hi, Stu.
08:50You have a visitor.
08:56I'm coming.
09:00Hi.
09:02Hi.
09:03Can I help you?
09:04Um, I'm Bert.
09:08Um, I'm your one that's the one.
09:14Hey.
09:15Oh, don't come in.
09:17No.
09:18Uh, sorry.
09:19That's just ridiculous.
09:21You can't be my one that's the one.
09:22No, of course not.
09:23I mean, and I apologize for asking you this.
09:28Are you a homosexual?
09:29No.
09:30Well, neither am I.
09:31Right.
09:32See, okay.
09:33So clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.
09:34Yeah.
09:35I mean, I guess so.
09:36I mean, I want my money back.
09:37I mean, no offense.
09:38Hey, none taken.
09:40Oh, man.
09:42Oh, don't take it so hard, buddy.
09:45No, it's just, I don't know.
09:47Sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.
09:49Just, uh, it sucks.
09:51It sucks to be born below the line.
09:52Where?
09:53What neighborhood?
09:54Tallybeck Heights.
09:55It's right by Oosker and Beanoin.
09:56I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.
09:58No way.
09:59God, I was happy for that.
10:00Tell me about it.
10:01Huh?
10:04Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
10:06Bert Chund.
10:07Hey, yeah, you too.
10:08Stu Maxim.
10:09You know, honestly, I'm just, I don't know.
10:11I'm glad if someone finally showed up.
10:12Got to be 12.15.
10:13I was thinking no one was coming.
10:14You know?
10:15I'm sorry about that.
10:16I'm always late.
10:17That's something I should work on.
10:18No, don't think twice about it.
10:22Well, hey, listen, I got kind of hungry.
10:23I was actually, I was going to go grab some food.
10:25I don't know.
10:26You want to, you want to come?
10:27Yeah, I could eat.
10:28Yeah?
10:29You ever go to Al's?
10:30Al's Diner?
10:31Below the line?
10:32Love that place.
10:36Reason for going below the line?
10:37Going to get diner food.
10:38Gross.
10:39Normally, I don't love patting people down.
10:41But when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.
10:44Glad I made your night better.
10:46Okay, let's go.
10:47Right behind you.
10:48Bye.
10:59I love when they're going to blow the door off that armored car.
11:02Oh, yes, yes.
11:03And they decide not to.
11:04It blows up anyway.
11:05Yes.
11:06Right.
11:07I love that show.
11:08Hey, Al.
11:12What do you want?
11:13Egg white omelette.
11:16Egg white omelette.
11:17But could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?
11:20What?
11:21No way.
11:22That's my order.
11:23I mean, that's literally what I ordered.
11:24It's so funny because I like the yolks.
11:25Separate.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Yeah.
11:28I'm going to do the same.
11:30Okay.
11:33What do you have?
11:34It's unbelievable.
11:36But then my wife passed away.
11:37I'm sorry about that.
11:38Oh, it's okay.
11:39It was a long time ago.
11:40I got this.
11:41Oh, no.
11:42Come on.
11:43Let me get it.
11:44No, no.
11:45No, no.
11:46I got it.
11:47I invited you.
11:48Let me taste.
11:49No, no.
11:50I got it.
11:51I got it.
11:52All right.
11:54Well, that was fun.
11:55Yeah, that was a blast.
11:56And look, if I ever need a new car, I know who to call, right?
11:57Please, Mike.
12:04How are you doing?
12:05All right.
12:06Please, Mike.
12:07Day's on the floor over.
12:08I'm a desk jockey now.
12:09Well, listen, I'm back this way, actually, so...
12:10Oh.
12:11See you around?
12:12Oh, I'm sorry.
12:13I'm sorry.
12:14No, it's weird that I went for the hug.
12:15Take it easy.
12:16Yeah.
12:17Yep.
12:18Bye.
12:19Yeah.
12:20Yeah.
12:21Yeah.
12:22Yeah.
12:23Yeah.
12:24Yeah.
12:25Yeah.
12:26Yeah.
12:27Yeah.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Yeah.
12:30Yeah.
12:31Yeah.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Yeah.
12:34Yeah.
12:35Yeah.
12:36Yeah.
12:37Yeah.
12:38Yeah.
12:39Yeah.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Yeah.
12:42Yeah.
12:43Yeah.
12:44Yeah.
12:45Yeah.
12:46Yeah.
12:47Yeah.
12:48Yeah.
12:49Yeah.
12:50Yeah.
12:51Yeah.
12:52Yeah.
12:53Yeah.
12:54Yeah.
12:55Yeah.
12:56Yeah.
12:57Yeah.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yeah.
13:00Yeah.
13:01Yeah.
13:02Hello?
13:11Wait a minute.
13:12Wait a minute!
13:21Well, I guess he didn't want to give
13:22us our money back.
13:23Yeah, I guess not.
13:24Good to see you.
13:27What are you doing?
13:28You want to get lunch or something?
13:29Well, I high some work to do but.
13:31You like grilled cheese?
13:33-♪♪♪♪
13:35Whoa.
13:37I went crazy.
13:39I had no idea it was gonna happen.
13:40Me neither.
13:42Well...
13:44maybe some idea.
13:48Did you still want that grilled cheese?
13:49Nope.
13:50I don't even like grilled cheese.
13:54I'm lactose intolerant.
13:56Stop.
13:57You dog.
13:58Ha-ha.
14:00♪♪♪♪
14:02♪ I wanna leave this cold place and leave you warm ♪
14:07♪♪♪♪
14:09♪ I wanna be your shelter from the storm, yeah ♪
14:17♪ I wanna know who's side you're on ♪
14:24♪ I wanna know, baby, who's side you're on ♪
14:33♪ Cause I wanna know, too ♪
14:39♪♪♪♪
14:44I can't believe I'm gonna meet your parents.
14:46Do I look okay?
14:47Stop it. You look great.
14:48You like my sweater vest?
14:49Yes, I love it.
14:50It's very dignified.
14:51Not dignified, but its main purpose
14:52is to hold my stomach in.
14:53Hey.
14:55I love that stomach.
14:56That's my stomach.
14:58Come on.
14:59Hey!
15:01Here they are.
15:02Hi, guys.
15:03Oh, good to see you.
15:05Mom, Dad, this is Bert.
15:08Hi, I'm Ron.
15:09Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chun.
15:11Call me Bert.
15:12My father was Mr. Chun.
15:13Ha-ha-ha.
15:15He's as witty as you said, Stu.
15:17I'm Linda.
15:18Enchanté.
15:19Oh.
15:20Bonjour.
15:22Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
15:23Okay, dear.
15:24Yeah, take it easy, ma.
15:26Oh.
15:27Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
15:30Oh, I love that song.
15:32Hey, let's sing it.
15:33♪ Whoa, whoa, cha-cha ♪
15:35♪ Please don't check my bag up, man ♪
15:37♪ Don't check my bag up ♪
15:39Don't check my bag up.
15:41Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
15:42Oh, I love Marlo Umphrey.
15:45I saw him live 17 times.
15:47Oh, Stu, you sure know how to choose them.
15:49Thanks, Dad.
15:50I, um, I was kind of nervous that you guys would be,
15:53I don't know, upset about his age.
15:54Oh.
15:55What, are you kidding me?
15:56You've given us another old fogey
15:57to talk about the good old days with.
15:59Yeah.
16:00Oh, hey, Linda.
16:01Stu mentioned that you like owls.
16:03And, uh, so I picked one up for you.
16:07I hope you like it.
16:08Bert.
16:09Oh, that's so sweet.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh.
16:14Wow.
16:15Oh, a mechanical owl.
16:18Oh, it's beautiful.
16:20Oh, it'll look perfect with my collection.
16:25Are you guys staying for dinner?
16:26Um...
16:27Please.
16:28Dinner?
16:29Yeah.
16:30Sure, thank you.
16:31Yay.
16:32Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
16:34Jesus, I'm nervous.
16:35I'm sweating.
16:36Don't be.
16:37They're great kids.
16:39Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.
16:41These are my kids.
16:42And if they don't like you, I'll tell them they have to.
16:48I just, I feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.
16:50Stu, listen, Martha was a wonderful woman.
16:52And when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.
16:54But these are good kids.
16:55They want to see their dad happy.
16:57Kids!
16:58There they are.
17:00Liza, this is Stu.
17:02Hi.
17:03Hi.
17:04Nice to meet you.
17:05You too.
17:06Dad, you didn't tell me he was super hot.
17:07I wanted to surprise you.
17:09Booj, this is Stu.
17:11Booj?
17:12How are you?
17:14Forget this.
17:15I'll be in the backyard.
17:17Sorry.
17:18He's just adjusting.
17:20I'm gonna go talk to him.
17:21Actually, no.
17:22You know what?
17:24Let me go talk to him.
17:38Hey, bud.
17:40Hey.
17:43You're, uh, you're pretty great on that thing.
17:52Hey, you, uh, you like safe ball?
17:57Yeah, I guess.
18:00Why don't you go along?
18:03Come on.
18:04It'll be fun.
18:08Hey, yo, get out there.
18:11You, uh, play in high school?
18:13Yeah, I played at Central Awards.
18:15Hey, I played at Highland Awards.
18:18Man, you above the line guys always kicked our butts.
18:26Listen, how you holding up?
18:29It's just, you're not my mom.
18:31Hey, hey, I totally get that.
18:33All right?
18:34I don't want to be your mom.
18:36Look, I couldn't be.
18:38From what your dad says, she was one of a kind.
18:41Yeah, she, she was.
18:44But I mean, that's not everything.
18:46Come on, champ.
18:47You can tell me.
18:48After mom died, I just got really depressed.
18:52So then eventually my assigned mate filed for unassignment.
18:57Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines?
19:00Oh, that's what my sister did.
19:01I don't know.
19:02I feel like I should maybe try to just figure it out for myself.
19:07Listen, hey, it's OK.
19:11Look at me.
19:13You don't think I was scared getting into this with your dad?
19:16I was terrified.
19:18He's a big man.
19:20Yeah?
19:21Yeah.
19:22Well, listen, if there's one thing that I can tell you,
19:25it's that anything, anything can be overcome
19:28with a little bit of courage.
19:31And I know you got some of that, right?
19:35You just got to find it.
19:36Where is it?
19:37Huh?
19:38Is it there?
19:39No.
19:40No? Is it over there?
19:41No.
19:42Where is that? Where's that courage?
19:43It's not there.
19:44Yeah? Where is it?
19:45Come on.
19:46It's right here.
19:47Yeah, that's where it is.
19:48There's my big guy.
19:50You all right?
19:51Come here.
19:56Thanks, Stu.
20:05Hey, uh, Egg White.
20:07When are you going to finish that up
20:08and give your old man a back rub?
20:09Why am I the one decorating this tree?
20:11And why am I the one giving the back rub?
20:16Who could that be at this time?
20:17You have a visitor.
20:18Come on in.
20:21You.
20:22That's the guy from the one that's the one commercial.
20:24No, I'm the technician from Najari Labs.
20:26Same guy.
20:27I assure you I'm not.
20:28Huh.
20:29What is with this?
20:30Mr. Chund, Mr. Maxim.
20:31We're both Mr. Maxim now.
20:32Oh.
20:33Well, I don't normally make house calls,
20:35but this is a special situation.
20:37You see, when Dr. Najari computed your input
20:40at the one that's the one, he made a mistake.
20:43He forgot to carry the one.
20:45You are not each other's one that's the one.
20:47But we've been together for a year.
20:48Yeah. I mean, we're married.
20:50I can't apologize enough.
20:51It's the first mistake in the history
20:53of the one that's the one.
20:54Mr. Maxim, this is your one that's the one.
20:58Oh.
20:59Mr. Maxim, this is yours.
21:03Al from the diner?
21:05Yes.
21:06And it's still a dude?
21:07Yes.
21:08Huh.
21:09We should have connected you two.
21:10Al got so lonely, he relocated to Irmingblam.
21:13Irmingblam's horrible this time of year.
21:15So humid.
21:16Listen, we don't care what you say, okay?
21:18We're satisfied with these results.
21:19We really love one another.
21:20We're happy.
21:21I understand that, but you can't argue the science.
21:23Forget the science.
21:24We work.
21:25I mean, we may contradict some data,
21:26but why would that matter?
21:27I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.
21:30Dr. Najari?
21:31Were you waiting out by the entranceway all this time?
21:33Why didn't you just walk in?
21:35I don't know.
21:36Surely we're.
21:37That's your opinion.
21:38You see, the upper classes are assigned mates
21:41at birth to preserve order.
21:43There is much more at stake here than just your relationship.
21:46Order is the foundation of our community.
21:48Above the line.
21:49You two have been mandated for separation.
21:52What?
21:53No.
21:54No way are we separating.
21:55You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
21:57In a fine print, it says that in the event of a mistake,
22:00separation is legally required.
22:02Who's going to make us?
22:03Yeah, I am.
22:05Actually, those two will, but because I tell them to.
22:10Were you two out here this whole time?
22:12Yeah, again, just super weird.
22:14Like, how many more people are in the house?
22:15Shut up.
22:17You have two hours to separate.
22:20What?
22:23Two hours.
22:24Two hours.
22:25Yeah, I got it.
22:36Well, that's everything.
22:40You want to try to take these guys out?
22:43I'm going to miss you so much.
22:45They're armed.
22:46We can't take them.
22:55This could have been great.
22:56It was great.
22:57Hey, I know.
22:59Come here.
23:08Did you get your pot ticket?
23:09Yep.
23:11Leaving for Irmingblam 10 PM Thursday.
23:16Ah.
23:19My car homie's here, so I got to go.
23:30Bye, Bert.
23:33Good luck in Irmingblam.
23:35Goodbye.
23:38Head white.
23:39Head white.
24:05So did you notice that I get my head white?
24:07Right?
24:08But then I get the yolks on the side.
24:11Why are you doing that?
24:13Because I don't like them with no head white, so.
24:37Whoa, whoa, whoa.
24:56What are you doing?
24:58Nothing.
24:59Nothing.
25:00I'm doing nothing.
25:04I should be doing something.
25:10Bert!
25:12Bertie!
25:15Bertie!
25:25Bert!
25:29Bert!
25:30Bert!
25:31Wait!
25:33Bert, wait!
25:44Why am I always late?
25:47Good thing I'm always late, too.
26:04Screw science.
26:06Yeah, screw science.
26:34Screw science.
26:35Screw science.
26:36Screw science.
26:37Screw science.
26:38Screw science.
26:39Screw science.
26:40Screw science.
26:41Screw science.
26:42Screw science.
26:43Screw science.
26:44Screw science.
26:45Screw science.
26:46Screw science.
26:47Screw science.
26:48Screw science.
26:49Screw science.
26:50Screw science.
26:51Screw science.
26:52Screw science.
26:53Screw science.
26:54Screw science.
26:55Screw science.
26:56Screw science.
26:57Screw science.
26:58Screw science.
26:59Screw science.
27:00Screw science.
27:01Screw science.
27:02Screw science.
27:03Screw science.
27:04Screw science.
27:05Screw science.
27:06Screw science.
27:07Screw science.
27:08Screw science.
27:09Screw science.
27:10Screw science.
27:11Screw science.
27:12Screw science.
27:13Screw science.
27:14Screw science.
27:15Screw science.
27:16Screw science.
27:17Screw science.
27:18Screw science.
27:19Screw science.
27:20Screw science.
27:21Screw science.
27:22Screw science.
27:23Screw science.
27:24Screw science.
27:25Screw science.
27:26Screw science.
27:27Screw science.
27:28Screw science.
27:29Screw science.
27:30Do you think we're gonna like it here?
27:34Me too, Egg White.
27:37Do you know what?
27:39I wanna try something silly.
27:42Let me try it.
27:44Ooh!
27:45Carry me to the castle?
27:46Yeah.
27:47No, that'll be cute!
27:48Yeah, I like this.
27:49There we go!
27:50Nah, nah, nah.
27:51I don't wanna walk.
27:52Let's walk in here.
27:53Yeah.
27:54Let me get in there.
27:55Alright.
27:56You okay, man?
27:57Yeah.
27:58Just start walking.
27:59♪ Home to you ♪
28:07♪♪
28:17♪♪
28:27♪♪