Absolutely Anything 2015 ‧ Comedy=Sci-fi. Starring Kate Beckinsale, Simon Pegg
Some aliens, who travel from planet to planet to see what kind of species inhabit them, come to Earth. And if humans are, according to their standards, decent, they are welcomed to be their friend. And if not, the planet is destroyed. To find out, they choose one inhabitant and give that person the power to do whatever he or she wants. And they choose Neil Clarke (Simon Pegg), a teacher who teaches the special kids. He is constantly being berated by the headmaster and is attracted to his neighbor, Catherine (Kate Beckinsale), but doesn't have the guts to approach her. But now he can do anything he wants, but has to be careful.
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Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:0030 seconds and counting. Power transfer is complete. We're on internal power with the
00:00:17launch vehicle at this time. T-minus 20 seconds and counting. All the second stage tanks now
00:00:22pressurized. T-minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal. 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4,
00:00:293, 2, 1, 0. All engine running. Liftoff. We have a liftoff. And so in 1972, the Atlas
00:00:46Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet. A four stage rocket that launched a probe
00:00:53way out into the blackness of space. The probe would use the energy from the sun and the
00:00:58gravitational pull of our neighboring planets to cross our solar system. That momentum
00:01:04would then carry it on into the farthest reaches of the universe. The mission, to find intelligent
00:01:11life similar to ours out there in deep space. The probe carried a tablet which had inscribed
00:01:18on it the image of us humans, a man and a woman, and a map to locate us in the universe.
00:01:24Stage four disconnects, and our probe is fired on its long journey. The world wished it bon voyage,
00:01:32and may it find a friend out there in deep space.
00:01:55And everything is true.
00:02:01Mad and bad and funny things.
00:02:07All there for me and you.
00:02:17Anything.
00:02:20Anything.
00:02:23Anything.
00:02:26Absolutely anything.
00:02:32For you.
00:02:35I would give you everything.
00:02:41It's in my power to do.
00:02:47Shiny pointy funny things.
00:02:54A thousand pairs of shoes.
00:03:00Anything for you.
00:03:29Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. When I interviewed Neil Clarke for the book program, I knew he was extraordinary.
00:03:36Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel, reviewers agree he's joined the ranks of Britain's immortals.
00:03:43Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
00:03:52So I suppose I wanted to start off by asking you, how did you manage such amazing insight into the soul of modern man?
00:03:59And how do you know what men and women really want? Just really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos.
00:04:06Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
00:04:12I studied its flaws, its potential, its urgent needs. I listened to its cries for help.
00:04:20Its yelps of anguish.
00:04:24And I spent five long years in a book which I hoped would throw open the doors of human perception
00:04:33and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility.
00:04:38Sorry about this.
00:04:57Don't watch TV.
00:04:59Your dog was barking.
00:05:01My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell.
00:05:04I rang the doorbell because your dog was barking. Your lease has no pets.
00:05:10Well, he is a guide dog.
00:05:13You're not blind.
00:05:15I prefer the term optically challenged.
00:05:18You're not optically challenged either.
00:05:21Fiona, you live like three floors up. I mean, I don't believe...
00:05:24If you don't control your bloody dog, I am going to get it sent to Battersea Dogs Home.
00:05:30What?
00:05:35Come on, Dennis, let's go and evacuate your bowels.
00:05:39Come on, Dennis.
00:05:46Come on.
00:05:48Hi, Neil.
00:05:49Oh, hey, Catherine.
00:05:51Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you.
00:05:54Really?
00:05:55Yeah, you were presenting me with an award for my novel.
00:05:58Oh, did you deserve it?
00:06:00Well, I was proud but humble.
00:06:02Have you finished it, actually, in real life?
00:06:05Absolutely, almost, yeah.
00:06:07Because last spring you were on chapter...
00:06:09Yeah, I've renumbered them. In fact, I've removed them.
00:06:12Oh.
00:06:13Yeah, I find the whole concept of chapters just gets in the way, so...
00:06:16Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
00:06:19I want reading it to be like being sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
00:06:23Like going on Facebook?
00:06:25Yeah, like Facebook, yeah.
00:06:27That's a good one.
00:06:31Like being sucked into a giant vortex.
00:06:34Dennis, why do you let me say things like this?
00:06:37Hey.
00:06:38Come on.
00:06:49Oh, my God.
00:07:19Oh, my God.
00:07:44Hmm.
00:07:46Hmm?
00:07:49Ga-ratch-ka-ren-do-puck-dup.
00:07:51Ha-ha!
00:07:54That's good.
00:07:57That's good.
00:07:59Ha-ha!
00:08:18Come on, Ray, it's only 20 quid. No, I can't, Neil.
00:08:20Yeah, but it can't lose. No.
00:08:22Look, I guarantee you a 50% return on your money before the end of class is today.
00:08:28So when do you make your move on Miss Booker Brines downstairs, then?
00:08:31Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit literal-minded.
00:08:34No foresight. Whereas me?
00:08:36I could see for miles into the future.
00:08:39A man needs a woman, Neil.
00:08:41I've got Dennis. Dennis is male.
00:08:43And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
00:08:47Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life.
00:08:50This is a tenner.
00:08:53Walk!
00:09:13Urgh!
00:09:15Accessing representative images of Earthlings.
00:09:29Pronder fui into uga barka porti.
00:09:33Handor no folis dordia borsmakar basko.
00:09:37Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged.
00:09:41Ah bon, maintenant nous sommes ici.
00:09:43I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
00:09:45Excusez-moi.
00:09:46Je me trompe.
00:09:47Ah.
00:09:48Is that better, Carly?
00:09:49Understanding you now, Sharon.
00:09:51By the power invested in me by the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
00:09:55I hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth.
00:09:59With great respect, Sharon, we should not pronounce a destruction order
00:10:04before we've given these Earthlings a chance to prove themselves.
00:10:08They've penetrated intergalactic space.
00:10:11Maureen is right.
00:10:12They're clearly not a superior species.
00:10:15Look at the way they copulate.
00:10:19If these Earthlings can convince us that they are superior beings,
00:10:24then they may join our society.
00:10:26If they cannot, we must eliminate them for the moral well-being of the entire intergalactic community.
00:10:31Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
00:10:33Not at all, Miss Barker.
00:10:36No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
00:10:39No, I don't want to see you either.
00:10:41We had a great time last summer.
00:10:43It's over.
00:10:44What part about over do you not understand?
00:10:46Thank you for calling.
00:10:48Bye-bye.
00:10:49These questions of yours make it sound as if I thought this bloody author
00:10:53can string two words together.
00:10:55But he can.
00:10:56It's a wonderful book.
00:10:57Darling, didn't you read the memo?
00:10:59We're doing a demolition job.
00:11:01But it's the best thing he's ever written.
00:11:03Everyone says so.
00:11:04That's why we have to pee on it from a great height.
00:11:07I want ten new questions, please.
00:11:10Before noon.
00:11:17Don't you know? She never reads the books.
00:11:19She hates books.
00:11:21Why is she presenting a book programme, then?
00:11:23Am I spying trouble?
00:11:25What?
00:11:28No, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
00:11:31but that's what people tune in to see.
00:11:33Not books, not authors, God forbid,
00:11:37but Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego.
00:11:41No, I think people watch because it's a book programme
00:11:43and they love books.
00:11:45Books are finished.
00:11:47Our job is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination
00:11:50with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
00:11:53So not just selling out, then. We've sold out.
00:11:55Exactly.
00:11:57For God's sake, smile.
00:12:23That's enough, Catherine.
00:12:25It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
00:12:28What?
00:12:31Price of pickles.
00:12:32Don't even look at the marinated herring.
00:12:34Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
00:12:37I didn't want them anyway.
00:12:45Thanks.
00:12:46I also offer support and counselling on dips,
00:12:49dried fruit and pasta sauces.
00:12:52Let's go.
00:12:59The usual test, Sharon?
00:13:01The usual test, Gideon.
00:13:02One earthling will be chosen randomly
00:13:05as defined by the intergalactic manual of good and evil.
00:13:09Page 56, paragraph B.
00:13:11Er, page 56, paragraph D.
00:13:15Er, right.
00:13:18To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil.
00:13:23How will they prove it?
00:13:25They will be given the power that all superior beings have.
00:13:29The earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything.
00:13:33What if he uses his power for evil?
00:13:36The earth will be eliminated.
00:13:38But if he uses it for good?
00:13:40Then we welcome them to the intergalactic community.
00:13:43Are we ready, gentlemen?
00:13:45Commence in random selection of earthlings.
00:13:49Processing.
00:13:52Processing.
00:13:54Earthling.
00:13:56Charlie!
00:13:57Charlie!
00:13:58Wait!
00:13:59Selected.
00:14:03The earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good
00:14:08rather than for evil.
00:14:15Oi, oi!
00:14:21God!
00:14:30Screw you!
00:14:32Oh!
00:14:42All they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books.
00:14:46And my producer just wants me to dig up dirt on Ammonotop III.
00:14:51I keep telling him he had the kind nature and lovely hands.
00:14:55I would have loved to spend an evening with Ammonotop III.
00:14:58Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie.
00:15:01And to spend all day long talking about embalming.
00:15:04Or find me a good one that's still breathing.
00:15:06Oh, tell me about him.
00:15:08What about Grant?
00:15:10Oh, well, Colonel Grant turned out to have issues.
00:15:13Issues?
00:15:14Yeah, like being clinically insane.
00:15:16Is she?
00:15:18Maybe that's overstating it.
00:15:20Just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous.
00:15:25What about him upstairs?
00:15:27Oh, he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket.
00:15:30Oh, so he's gay.
00:15:32What?
00:15:33Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.
00:15:37That's the way life works.
00:15:39No, he's not gay.
00:15:41He's...
00:15:43..very likeable.
00:16:01DOOR OPENS
00:16:09Mr Clark.
00:16:13Hi.
00:16:14This is the 12th time you've been late this month, Mr Clark.
00:16:17Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.
00:16:19Yesterday, you had food poisoning.
00:16:21Friday, you thought it was Saturday.
00:16:23Monday, you forgot to put your clock forward.
00:16:26Oh, everybody does that.
00:16:28Week last Wednesday, it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
00:16:32Yeah, I showed you the picture.
00:16:34That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
00:16:37Well, he's a great man.
00:16:39Great enough to appear in photographs when he is dead.
00:16:44You, Mr Clark, are totally irresponsible.
00:16:47You are idle and you are feckless.
00:16:50Feckless?
00:16:52Yes, you're without feck.
00:16:55If I could replace you, I would.
00:17:00Yeah, well, so would I.
00:17:02I just don't have anybody to replace me with.
00:17:24Oh.
00:17:30You're like a skier.
00:17:32I've had my moments.
00:17:35Hello, gorgeous.
00:17:37How about cocktails for two this evening? Go halves?
00:17:40Drop dead, Ray.
00:17:42All right.
00:17:44Think about it and get back to me.
00:17:48No.
00:17:50Neil? Yeah.
00:17:52You could do anything. What would you do?
00:17:54Hello, Neil, love.
00:17:56Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?
00:17:58I will have the roast headmaster, please, Mrs B.
00:18:01You are a wan.
00:18:03There you go.
00:18:07I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.
00:18:12You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.
00:18:14As long as you don't eat it.
00:18:22If you could make anything you want happen, what would it be?
00:18:26I would make Dennis regurgitate my notes from Chapter Three.
00:18:35If you could make something impossible happen?
00:18:37Intact.
00:18:43What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?
00:18:46What, even if she thought you were a little shit?
00:18:49Come on, Ray. That would be taking an unfair advantage of an innocent girl.
00:18:53OK, but suppose there was one thing you could do
00:18:56that would change your life for the better?
00:18:58Oh, that's easy. I would make alien spaceships destroy Tennessee.
00:19:08Sounded like it was in the school.
00:19:13Out of the way! Out of the way! Stand back! Stand back! Stand back!
00:19:16Just stay calm.
00:19:20Oh!
00:19:23Oh, my God!
00:19:28Who was that?
00:19:30It was the salubrious Gat of Galaxy G946WOT.
00:19:37Gat? What do you think you're doing?
00:19:39Just practising, Sharon.
00:19:41We haven't done the judicial review yet.
00:19:43We may not want to destroy the species.
00:19:46Oh, are you kidding?
00:19:48445,349,722 new alien species encountered.
00:19:53Number granted membership of the intergalactic community of superior beings...
00:19:58zero.
00:20:00We have high standards.
00:20:02You know you're going to wipe them out.
00:20:04It all depends on the earthling.
00:20:06And signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever.
00:20:09The Prime Leader of the Opposition said he personally would work...
00:20:13...in other news...
00:20:17Hello, Dennis.
00:20:19Hello, Dennis.
00:20:21Couldn't you have waited?
00:20:28It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive School...
00:20:31that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
00:20:35A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack...
00:20:38but say there were no connections with reports of a UFO sighting in the area.
00:20:43The headteacher, Mr Rob...
00:20:49Oh, sure, Dennis. It was an alien spaceship.
00:20:53What are you talking about?
00:20:55If I could make an alien spaceship destroy 10C...
00:20:57then I wouldn't be farting around with this, would I?
00:21:00I'd just say, dog mess, clean yourself up.
00:21:04Woof!
00:21:06See?
00:21:24Woof!
00:21:33Woof!
00:21:42It's just shock.
00:21:44It's just post-hallucination shock. That's all it is.
00:21:52I mean, it couldn't have been an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
00:21:55I mean, it's just something it couldn't have.
00:21:57Woof!
00:21:59Oh, my God.
00:22:03Woof!
00:22:11Oh, damn it!
00:22:13God!
00:22:19Whiskey?
00:22:21Go back in the bottle.
00:22:24See?
00:22:26You see, there's nothing. It's nothing.
00:22:28There was nothing. It's nothing.
00:22:30Whiskey, go back in the bottle.
00:22:33Woof!
00:22:38Oh, my God.
00:22:41I have to wave my hand.
00:22:53Whiskey.
00:22:55Exchange yourself for another bottle.
00:22:57A single malt.
00:23:00Hey, come back!
00:23:02Woof!
00:23:23Door open quick.
00:23:26Not that quick.
00:23:29I didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged.
00:23:37It's closed.
00:23:42Oh, shit.
00:23:49Gotcha!
00:23:51Go get it!
00:23:53Priority!
00:23:55Woof!
00:23:57Get back!
00:24:05Woof!
00:24:07Shh. Dennis, be quiet.
00:24:09Oh, shit.
00:24:17All right, laddie.
00:24:19You're next.
00:24:23Meet me at home having dinner with Dennis.
00:24:27Woof!
00:24:32Oh, jerk!
00:24:34Chubsy!
00:24:37If you say one word about this, constable,
00:24:39you'll be on community relations.
00:24:43Argh!
00:24:48Oh, my God. Tennessee!
00:24:58Huh. Let everyone who died be alive again.
00:25:07Argh!
00:25:09Argh!
00:25:11Argh!
00:25:13Argh!
00:25:28Oh, God!
00:25:30No, no, no!
00:25:32I meant everybody in Tennessee be alive again!
00:25:35Obviously! Not everyone who's died ever!
00:25:37Are you crazy?!
00:25:43Shit, shit.
00:25:45And everybody who died in the bomb blast and is alive again
00:25:48be completely uninjured.
00:25:50Shit, shit, shit!
00:25:52Oh, OK. Me feel better.
00:25:55Me feel better. Oh, that's better.
00:25:57Me have a really good idea about what to do next.
00:26:00Oh, that's a good idea.
00:26:02Let the explosion never have happened.
00:26:04Now, I mean, if you could make anything you wanted happen,
00:26:08what would it be?
00:26:10I'm sorry, what?
00:26:12If you could do anything, what would you do?
00:26:14That's very weird.
00:26:16I just... I think I just dreamt that I could.
00:26:18What?
00:26:20Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave my hand
00:26:22and say such-and-such and it would happen.
00:26:24So what'd you do?
00:26:26I made alien spaceships destroy Tennessee.
00:26:28Good thinking.
00:26:30I would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground I walked on.
00:26:33You wouldn't be so cruel.
00:26:40Hello, and welcome to Book News,
00:26:42the show where you get to know what books are coming to you
00:26:45and authors get what's coming to them.
00:26:48What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?
00:26:51Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger?
00:26:55You've come to the right place to find out.
00:26:58Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley,
00:27:01whose latest novel is entitled
00:27:03What You See With Your Eyes Open.
00:27:06Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago.
00:27:10It got what they call mixed reviews
00:27:12and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
00:27:15What possessed you to write another one?
00:27:17Well, my wife was dying.
00:27:19You were estranged, weren't you?
00:27:21Well, yes, but on her deathbed she urged me to write another book.
00:27:25Knowing that she would never have to read it?
00:27:27Well...
00:27:28Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction.
00:27:31What? He was 14, James.
00:27:33That's got nothing to do with his book.
00:27:35Well, neither has the show, Kath.
00:27:37Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity.
00:27:41But me, I quite like it.
00:27:44Play your cards right,
00:27:46you could get your own office,
00:27:48and a bigger desk, and a view.
00:27:52Um...
00:27:57Sorry.
00:28:00Mind you, you've got to play your cards right.
00:28:03What are you doing here?
00:28:04Oh, don't I get a kiss?
00:28:06Please go away.
00:28:07That wouldn't be fair to you, Kath.
00:28:09This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me.
00:28:12Well, I'm calling security.
00:28:14Not just the charming, high-flying military strategist.
00:28:17Hello, security.
00:28:18Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either.
00:28:20Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.
00:28:23Or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance.
00:28:27Just a humble officer who adores you.
00:28:33Okay.
00:28:34Grant, I appreciate that you like me.
00:28:36Like? Like?
00:28:38What do you think, I'm one of these cardboard cutouts?
00:28:40Like? No. No, no, no.
00:28:42Adulate.
00:28:44Worship.
00:28:45Okay, well, I don't adulate or worship you.
00:28:48I don't even really like you.
00:28:50So that's why I'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone.
00:28:54So there's some hope?
00:28:55No, no, no. There's no hope.
00:28:58Kath, I came all the way to England to see you.
00:29:01Doesn't that show you how much I care about you?
00:29:02No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
00:29:04Obsession's not a quality that I admire.
00:29:06Really?
00:29:08I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
00:29:13You work for the BBC, don't you?
00:29:16I do.
00:29:19You know who ultimately controls the British Broadcasting Corporation?
00:29:26A little guy that used to work down the hall for me at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
00:29:31And he did it in his spare time.
00:29:37I'll catch you later, honey.
00:29:43It was a party.
00:29:45I was doing a documentary. I was drunk.
00:29:48He's judging me.
00:30:13Let Tennessee become a model class.
00:30:16Kind and considerate. Oh, and eager to learn.
00:30:30Good afternoon, Tennessee.
00:30:32Good afternoon, Mr Clark.
00:30:36Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?
00:30:40What? The whole chapter?
00:30:41Yes.
00:30:42Oh, good. How exciting.
00:30:44He's letting us read the whole chapter.
00:30:46Great.
00:30:47Well, you get on with it, then.
00:31:12Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change.
00:31:16And what you did with the guitar, quite beggar's belief.
00:31:19That is not how kumbaya goes.
00:31:21Neil, it's so good to see you.
00:31:23I love what you're wearing. It really does.
00:31:25It's just a great ensemble.
00:31:27So similar to what you were wearing before.
00:31:29But your laissez-faire attitude to work,
00:31:31it's a great counterpoint to my buy-the-book approach.
00:31:33Great having you on the staff, Neil.
00:31:36Right, you too.
00:31:37It must love you an awful lot to fly across the Atlantic.
00:31:40Well, you just can't bear losing anything.
00:31:42As far as Grant's concerned,
00:31:44I'm just a piece of lost property he wants to retrieve
00:31:47and put back on his mantelpiece.
00:31:49He was really scary. Crazy.
00:31:52I had a boyfriend like that once.
00:31:55Sars, you wouldn't take no for an answer.
00:31:57Do you? What happened?
00:31:59Well, I married him.
00:32:01Mr Erickson, you know the romance languages, right?
00:32:04Mr Erickson, you know the romance languages, French, Italian?
00:32:08Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.
00:32:10Well, I was wondering how they got their name.
00:32:12It's to do with Rome. Ancient Rome.
00:32:15From the Latin.
00:32:17So it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic.
00:32:20Actually, I'm thinking of switching to economics.
00:32:23Oh!
00:32:25Here's...
00:32:28Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
00:32:33Ray!
00:32:45Oh!
00:32:50I can do half the faking, looting, anything.
00:32:54Yeah.
00:32:58Me be President of the United States.
00:33:05Hmm.
00:33:07That's funny.
00:33:09Me be President of the United States.
00:33:11There go we shall.
00:33:13We shall.
00:33:15We shall.
00:33:17We shall.
00:33:19We shall.
00:33:22Thank God we found you, sir.
00:33:24We've been looking for you everywhere.
00:33:26Oh, my God!
00:33:28They're shooting!
00:33:37I am sorry about that, Mr President.
00:33:40Here are the briefing papers for Syria, the deficit,
00:33:44Israel in the Middle East, China, global warming,
00:33:47unemployment, and the Arctic wildlife reserve.
00:33:52Me be my own self at home!
00:34:01I can do...
00:34:04anything.
00:34:07Okay, but what do I really want?
00:34:11Give me a really big dick.
00:34:15Ouch! Not that big!
00:34:17Obviously!
00:34:19Dick, return to the old size.
00:34:23Oh!
00:34:25Oh!
00:34:27Okay.
00:34:29Let me have a penis that women find exciting.
00:34:35Yeah.
00:34:38Yeah, can I have it in white?
00:34:41Right, okay.
00:34:43Let me have a really great body.
00:34:50No!
00:34:52No, look, give me the body of a great man.
00:34:56What the feck?
00:34:58Not Albert Einstein!
00:35:00Let me have the great body of a man.
00:35:08Oh!
00:35:12Me be able to see Catherine from downstairs.
00:35:29Shit!
00:35:33Let me not be able to see her!
00:35:35I don't mean me go blind!
00:35:37Let me be able to see, but flawed be as it was.
00:35:45Catherine, from downstairs, forget what just happened.
00:35:58Quiet! Quietly!
00:36:05Quietly!
00:36:13Um, Ray?
00:36:15You know earlier on we were talking about being able to do anything?
00:36:19Oh, yeah.
00:36:21Yeah, well, um, this is going to sound kind of stupid,
00:36:25but, um, suddenly I can.
00:36:28Can what?
00:36:30Do anything. Just make things happen.
00:36:32I just wave my hand and they do.
00:36:36Are you feeling okay?
00:36:38Yeah. Um, just look.
00:36:43You, tell us who you were.
00:36:45You'll never believe this, but I was a conjurer.
00:36:49I went by the name of the Great Alfredo.
00:36:52Uh, real name was Reg Hoskins.
00:36:55I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot.
00:36:58This is just 3D projection or something, right?
00:37:01Of course, it's all gone now.
00:37:03I blame the wogs.
00:37:05All that black minstrel stuff.
00:37:07Once they started allowing that...
00:37:09That's not me, that's what I'm saying.
00:37:11The Jews took over the business.
00:37:13Hey, just go and jump out the window.
00:37:15Right-o. Watch this.
00:37:18Whoa!
00:37:30Wha... How did you do that?
00:37:33I don't know.
00:37:35I could swear it was the skeleton talking.
00:37:37Yeah, it was.
00:37:39Okay. Let me see you do another one.
00:37:42What, what? I can't think of anything.
00:37:44You know, how about some flowers?
00:37:47Bunch of flowers in my hand.
00:37:49That's pathetic.
00:37:51How about room be covered in flowers?
00:37:55Come on, Ray.
00:37:57Ray, think of something more imaginative.
00:38:00Bloody hell, Palmer, did you just throw this out the window?
00:38:04Neil, did you throw this out the window?
00:38:07That's very funny.
00:38:09What are you doing here? Get on home. I'll cover for you.
00:38:13Oh, my God.
00:38:17This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.
00:38:20Told you.
00:38:22You know what? We could own a racehorse.
00:38:25Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world.
00:38:28No shit.
00:38:38We win every time?
00:38:40Flowers.
00:38:42Let's forget about the horses.
00:38:44We could have anything, Neil.
00:38:46Wealth, fame.
00:38:48Women.
00:38:50We could make any woman fall in love with us.
00:38:53Neil, any woman we want.
00:38:57Good night, Catherine. See you later.
00:39:04Jump in, babe.
00:39:06Curb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant.
00:39:08That doesn't really apply to people with my security clearance.
00:39:11Besides, how else are you going to get home?
00:39:13On the tube. Go away.
00:39:15The London Underground is worse than anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
00:39:18You don't deserve that.
00:39:20No, I don't deserve this either. Please leave me alone.
00:39:22Okay, okay, I get it. But you've got to let me down gently, huh?
00:39:25What does that mean?
00:39:27Well, there's somebody else, right?
00:39:29No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
00:39:32It's...
00:39:34You and I are not compatible.
00:39:37So we could grab some coffee, sit and talk.
00:39:40But what would that even achieve? There's nothing to talk about.
00:39:43Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us.
00:39:46It's got a view of St. Paul's Cathedral.
00:39:49Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
00:39:52Here's the key.
00:39:54I don't want it.
00:39:56And when I get you up there, you're going to think you died and went to heaven.
00:39:59Ha, ha, ha!
00:40:01Whoo-hoo!
00:40:07Oh, my God.
00:40:38Fuck all TV producers.
00:40:40Especially ones that say you can sleep with them.
00:40:43But if I play my cards right.
00:40:52Why do I always end up with the control freaks?
00:40:55Our gays? Yeah.
00:40:57Who?
00:40:59Him upstairs.
00:41:01Oh, and he's not gay.
00:41:03He's attractive. He's kind.
00:41:06Then fuck him.
00:41:08No, he's nice.
00:41:10No, I don't mean that.
00:41:12I mean...
00:41:14Fuck him.
00:41:18You mean fuck him?
00:41:20What, right now?
00:41:22No, not now.
00:41:24You've got to let me do your make-up first.
00:41:30Now option galactic power failure.
00:41:33We'll have to suspend the test.
00:41:35What?
00:41:36This is on the blink, Sharon.
00:41:38The earthling won't have galactic power until I get it working again.
00:41:41Botheration!
00:41:43I thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything.
00:41:52Catherine from downstairs be madly in love with me.
00:41:55That was quick.
00:41:58MUSIC PLAYS
00:42:01Hi. Hi.
00:42:03Um, you're not gay, are you?
00:42:05Uh, no, I'm not.
00:42:15Let's go to bed.
00:42:22Oh, shit!
00:42:25Oh, for fuck's sake!
00:42:33Galactic power now returning to earthly.
00:42:37Galactic power now returning to earthly.
00:42:53Go on to get ready for work.
00:43:08Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
00:43:13I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles right this moment.
00:43:16It's the middle of the night, for crying out loud.
00:43:19Weather, be like it usually is in Los Angeles during the day.
00:43:25So pedantic.
00:43:27So pedantic.
00:43:36Clothes, get dressed on me.
00:43:43And smarten yourselves up.
00:43:45Better.
00:43:58MUSIC PLAYS
00:44:11Miss Pringle, this really...
00:44:13..has to stop.
00:44:15Oh, Lord!
00:44:17Oh, Lord!
00:44:23Yeah.
00:44:28OK. That was a very...
00:44:30Ow! Ow!
00:44:32Can you just stop that, please?
00:44:34Can you stop tapping?
00:44:36Let's just have a break, shall we?
00:44:38Right, what's next?
00:44:41Ooh, this one's in German.
00:44:46Let me be able to understand German.
00:44:54What are you talking about, Dennis?
00:44:57Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this.
00:45:01She's not going to ask me to marry her.
00:45:03Or have my children, OK?
00:45:07Dennis, what are you talking about?
00:45:12That's a good idea, actually. What are you talking about?
00:45:15Dennis, be able to talk.
00:45:17Biscuits!
00:45:19What? Biscuits!
00:45:21Maybe if I make her fall in love with me, like, a little bit,
00:45:24so she doesn't want to marry me, but she would have sex on a regular...
00:45:27Biscuits! For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard!
00:45:29What are...? Biscuits!
00:45:31Red biscuits, black biscuits, nothing else matters!
00:45:34Is that all you think about? Yes! Yes!
00:45:36Biscuits!
00:45:39All right, Dennis, become a rational thinking creature.
00:45:43Look, I just can't concentrate on anything
00:45:45until I've had one of those biscuits.
00:45:47I know it's crazy, but that's how it is.
00:45:49I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.
00:45:51If I get a biscuit, then I'll be able to think about something else.
00:45:54That makes sense.
00:45:56Oh, oh, he's getting the biscuits, he's getting...
00:45:58Oh, this is it! Yeah!
00:46:00Woof!
00:46:02He's got them! Woof!
00:46:04He's got them! He's going to throw one.
00:46:06Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.
00:46:08Oh!
00:46:11God, it must be terrible being a dog.
00:46:13I never realised you had so many cravings.
00:46:15It's no worse than you and that bitch.
00:46:17What bitch?
00:46:19She was shagging last night!
00:46:21Oh, my God, she's not a bitch, OK?
00:46:23She's a lovely human female, and we weren't just shagging.
00:46:26Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.
00:46:29A little leg dance, huh? Just above the sock.
00:46:31How about it? Come on, Daddy.
00:46:33I thought I turned you into a rational thinking creature.
00:46:36Rational thinking creatures still have desires.
00:46:39Oh, well, we can soon deal with that.
00:46:41Woof! No!
00:46:43No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
00:46:45Why not?
00:46:47Biscuits? Shagging.
00:46:49I don't think I like your conversation.
00:46:51But I worship you, Master. I love you so much.
00:46:54I can't bear displeasing you.
00:46:56My whole world collapses when you're cross with me.
00:46:58Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk.
00:47:00Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech now that I can think rationally.
00:47:03That would be so cruel.
00:47:05Oh! I heard the bell. Somebody hit the door.
00:47:07The bell! There it goes again. The bell!
00:47:09Oh, the bell! Hey, hey, somebody.
00:47:11There it goes again. Hey, hey, somebody hit the door.
00:47:14Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?
00:47:16Just be quiet. Do you understand me?
00:47:18Yes. Is anything to stop you being angry with me?
00:47:21The bell! There it goes again. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
00:47:24Dennis, listen. Just listen, listen, listen, listen.
00:47:26Listen, be quiet. That is an order.
00:47:28Right. Quiet.
00:47:30I like obeying orders, especially your orders.
00:47:33Good. Well, then shut the fuck up.
00:47:36Right, right. Shut the fuck up.
00:47:38Yeah, right.
00:47:42Good boy.
00:47:47Oh, God, I made her do it.
00:47:50I made her do it.
00:47:52OK.
00:47:54Hi. Hey.
00:47:56Can I come in? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Of course.
00:48:01So, look, about last night...
00:48:04Yes. Is this a bad time?
00:48:06No, no, no, no.
00:48:08OK, I just don't want you to think that I do that sort of thing all the time.
00:48:13Cos I don't.
00:48:15Um, I was slightly drunk.
00:48:17Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.
00:48:19Otherwise we probably wouldn't have done that thing with the...
00:48:22No, no, no, that's not what I mean. I mean, I like you.
00:48:25I've always really enjoyed talking to you.
00:48:27I probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if I hadn't...
00:48:31Been pissed as a newt?
00:48:33Well, sort of. Yeah.
00:48:35OK, well, then let's just forget it. It never happened.
00:48:38No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil.
00:48:40Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?
00:48:43Shag her, Neil!
00:48:45That's Dennis.
00:48:48Dennis? Yeah, he is a plumber.
00:48:51I'm having a few problems with my waterworks. My water pipes.
00:48:54Shag her, Neil!
00:48:56I'd better get him the shagger. It's a special wrench that plumbers use.
00:49:03I thought I told you to shut up! I'm sorry.
00:49:05I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
00:49:07You're supposed to be a rational thinking creature.
00:49:09Sorry, sorry, I can't help myself. Sorry.
00:49:11I want to shag your leg.
00:49:13It's not a great time, to be honest. Maybe later, if you behave.
00:49:18Couldn't find the shagger, so we just went with the old coupler.
00:49:21I love you, Neil!
00:49:23Shut up, Dennis!
00:49:25It's odd, isn't it, shouting at the plumber like that?
00:49:28But the fact is, he's my brother. The plumber is my brother.
00:49:31Say you love me, Neil!
00:49:33And we're very close.
00:49:35Rosie was right. Rosie?
00:49:37Please, can I shag your leg?
00:49:40Jesus, Neil, how could you? The next morning!
00:49:43What I did... Why do I always end up with creeps?
00:49:47I'm not a creep! There's a cat, Neil!
00:49:49Neil! Hey, you!
00:49:51Oh, my God! Go on! Neil, it's a ginger toy!
00:49:54Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes!
00:50:01So, she thinks I'm gay.
00:50:03I mean, so what?
00:50:05It means that she won't want to marry me or have my kids.
00:50:09Bingo! Problem solved.
00:50:12Thank you, Dennis.
00:50:20Catherine!
00:50:25Catherine!
00:50:29Um, me be on the bus.
00:50:34Ah! I don't mean on the bus! I mean in the bus!
00:50:38Ah! Annoying the engine and the passenger accommodations!
00:50:45Ow!
00:50:49Hey!
00:50:52Catherine!
00:50:54Catherine!
00:51:04Catherine!
00:51:06Catherine!
00:51:08Whoa! Ray!
00:51:10You've got to stop Miss Pringle.
00:51:12She's set up shrines all over the school. There's even a website.
00:51:15Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?
00:51:17Not like this! Ray, I don't have time for this.
00:51:19Wait, wait, wait! You haven't lost the powers, have you?
00:51:21No, I haven't lost the powers! Ray!
00:51:23You haven't lost the powers! Ray, become a...
00:51:29Ray, stop it! Ray!
00:51:31Stop it, Ray, stop it! Ray, become a sausage!
00:51:34I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is not...
00:51:36Where is he, Neil?!
00:51:38Oh, that's his car!
00:51:41Oh, behold, the car of Ray!
00:51:48Catherine, can we talk?
00:51:50No. But I love you.
00:51:52You also love Dennis, apparently.
00:51:54Did you take that off there?
00:51:56No, this is mine.
00:51:57Yours?
00:51:58Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
00:52:00I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
00:52:02You love him, he loves you. I'm happy for both of you.
00:52:05Just don't bring me into it.
00:52:06Yeah, no, but there's something I need to tell you about Dennis.
00:52:08You are going to have to pay for that now that you've touched it.
00:52:10It's mine!
00:52:11No, it isn't. I heard what you said to each other, Neil.
00:52:14Yeah, look, there's something crucial about Dennis, you don't know.
00:52:16He's not a man.
00:52:17I don't want to hear this, Neil.
00:52:18I know, but I'm just saying he's not a man.
00:52:19Ow! Get out, you filthy bitch!
00:52:21You pervert!
00:52:23Come here and steal our stuff!
00:52:24I told you that's not your sausage!
00:52:26My sausage!
00:52:27Get off! Just give it back!
00:52:28Let go!
00:52:29Give me 80p!
00:52:31Mine?
00:52:33I'll just get you change.
00:52:35No, it's... Never mind, it's...
00:52:36You'll know, cos it's £4.20.
00:52:37Keep it!
00:52:38It's too much for a tit.
00:52:39Have it your way.
00:52:40She'll think so, too.
00:52:42She really does.
00:52:46Sausage, become right.
00:52:48Jesus, Neil!
00:52:50Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels?
00:52:52There he is!
00:52:55Get up off me!
00:52:57Leave me alone, you bloody mutters!
00:52:59Here you go.
00:53:01He must have been hungry.
00:53:05It's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever.
00:53:09Why can't we just get on with the destruction?
00:53:13Because there are rules, Maureen.
00:53:15We must follow galactic procedures.
00:53:17Rules didn't stop you from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
00:53:21They were delicious. Very crunchy, as I recall.
00:53:24There's only ten minutes left.
00:53:30Surprise, surprise!
00:53:31Oh, my God!
00:53:32Wait, wait, wait!
00:53:33Cut it!
00:53:34You're crazy, do you know that?
00:53:37Crazy in love, darling!
00:53:39Get out of my flat, Grant!
00:53:41Well, I can't, because you've locked the door now, babe.
00:53:43Well, then get out the way you got in!
00:53:44Oh, honey, come on now, that ain't nice!
00:53:48Just get out, Grant! I never want to see you again!
00:53:51Get out of my life!
00:53:53Get out!
00:53:55Come on now, open the door!
00:53:57Sorry.
00:53:59Sorry about the noise.
00:54:00At least it wasn't barking.
00:54:02Feck off.
00:54:03Not you.
00:54:04Walk out the front. Okay, let's sneak in the back.
00:54:07Your way up to my place, no moves.
00:54:09No, no, no funny business.
00:54:10You can just stay out of his way and I will make you dinner.
00:54:14I hate doors!
00:54:16Invite Dennis.
00:54:17I'll behave like grown-ups.
00:54:18Catherine.
00:54:19Catherine, come back.
00:54:20I'm leaving!
00:54:23I'm coming!
00:54:24Hold it on, wait for me now.
00:54:28She's coming to dinner.
00:54:29This episode looks at your fantasies.
00:54:32Hey, it was just about to start.
00:54:35She's coming to dinner.
00:54:37Who?
00:54:38Catherine.
00:54:39Oh, the bitch.
00:54:41Don't call her that.
00:54:42All right, I don't want you chipping in either, okay?
00:54:45Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
00:54:47Me? A dumb animal?
00:54:49Yeah, well, you know how to pretend, don't you?
00:54:50It's just, it's called acting.
00:54:52What do you mean, like when I'm having my tummy tickled?
00:54:55You love having your tummy tickled.
00:54:56All right, dog.
00:54:58What?
00:54:59It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.
00:55:02Why?
00:55:03Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
00:55:05Because they love having their tummies tickled.
00:55:07Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it
00:55:09because they know human beings like doing it.
00:55:12Oh.
00:55:13Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog, okay?
00:55:17Can't I join in the conversation just a little bit?
00:55:19No.
00:55:21That is so cruel.
00:55:23DOORBELL RINGS
00:55:24Somebody at the door. Hey, hey, it's the bell.
00:55:27It's the bell, it's the bell.
00:55:28I know it's the bell, Dennis.
00:55:29Right. No, no, sorry.
00:55:30Just one more peep out of you, okay,
00:55:33and the flea collar is going back on again.
00:55:35Right, right, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:55:38Bark.
00:55:40Woof.
00:55:42Do it properly.
00:55:44Woof. Woof.
00:55:45Yeah, good. Okay, thank you.
00:55:47Guarded.
00:55:50Hi. Has he gone?
00:55:51No, I don't think so.
00:55:53Dennis, down.
00:55:56Named him after the plumber, then, did you?
00:55:58Uh, yeah.
00:56:01Aw, do you want your tummy tickled?
00:56:04Why do dogs like that so much?
00:56:08I don't know.
00:56:12So, the producer promises to take me out of the general office
00:56:15and give me a big desk with a view, but he won't.
00:56:18He's just... trying to get me into bed.
00:56:24What did you want to tell me?
00:56:26Uh, just try this first.
00:56:42Mmm.
00:56:46Oh, that's incredible.
00:56:49That's the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted in my life.
00:56:56Mmm.
00:56:57I had no idea you were such a fantastic cook.
00:57:00Have you... I... I...
00:57:02That's unlike anything I've ever tasted. What is it?
00:57:05I just said, let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,
00:57:09unlike anything she's tasted before.
00:57:11And... it is.
00:57:14Really? Really.
00:57:18I can make things happen.
00:57:21Uh, anything.
00:57:23That's what I was trying to tell you this morning.
00:57:25You know, I wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber.
00:57:27I was talking to Dennis.
00:57:30The dog? Dennis the dog.
00:57:33Who answered you back?
00:57:35Yeah, because I made him talk.
00:57:39Oh.
00:57:40With my powers.
00:57:43Special powers.
00:57:46I mean, what, you want a bigger desk? You got it.
00:57:48You want a great view? You got it.
00:57:51Um...
00:57:53Neil, how long have you had those special powers?
00:57:56Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
00:57:58Very suddenly?
00:57:59Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.
00:58:02Just ask me to do something, anything, just, you know...
00:58:05Listen, Neil, it's OK.
00:58:08You can get help with this.
00:58:09Son of a bitch!
00:58:12Shit! Grant!
00:58:13I'm out of here.
00:58:15There's nobody else, huh?
00:58:16Who is this guy?
00:58:17She didn't tell you?
00:58:19I'm her fiancé.
00:58:20You're not my fiancé, Grant.
00:58:21Oh, yeah, and you weren't just making out with this apology of a man?
00:58:24Stop this.
00:58:25You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier?
00:58:27I'm sorry, Neil.
00:58:29That long.
00:58:30I'm warning you.
00:58:31You're warning me?
00:58:32Yeah, I'm warning you.
00:58:34Who is this guy?
00:58:35Don't you suck on this, asshole.
00:58:36Grant!
00:58:37All I have to do is go like this and say what?
00:58:40Where did you find this fruitcake?
00:58:42Put that away, Grant.
00:58:44What can I say? Grant become a fairy?
00:58:46It's Grant, not Grant.
00:58:48Stop it!
00:58:49And you're the goddamn fairy.
00:58:51How about Grant go back to where you came from?
00:58:52It's Grant!
00:58:53How about kiss my ass, Grant?
00:58:55Neil, don't. He's crazy.
00:58:57How about you say,
00:58:58please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain?
00:59:01Grant, stop it!
00:59:02I prefer let all bullets bounce off me.
00:59:05Go on, shoot me.
00:59:06Oh, my God, you're both crazy.
00:59:08He doesn't dare.
00:59:09Neil, please, please.
00:59:11Pull the trigger. What's the matter, Grant?
00:59:13Shut up.
00:59:14Go on, shoot me.
00:59:15Neil, he will.
00:59:16No, he won't.
00:59:17Yes, I will.
00:59:18No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.
00:59:20You little shit!
00:59:23You idiot!
00:59:24I wouldn't do this if I were you.
00:59:26I wouldn't do this if I were you.
00:59:27God, I hate you. Hang on.
00:59:28Grant!
00:59:33Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me.
00:59:36Shut up! It's Grant!
00:59:40Help! Help! Help!
00:59:42Who the heck was that?
00:59:43Uh, that's Dennis.
00:59:49It's just a dog.
00:59:51English.
00:59:56Oh, shit!
00:59:57Shit, what happened?
00:59:58Do you want me to make it better?
01:00:00Ow! Ow! It hurts!
01:00:01Grant's arm be better.
01:00:06Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is this?
01:00:10Grant be stuck on the ceiling.
01:00:11Ah! Oh, shit!
01:00:13Grant be plastered to the wall.
01:00:15Ah!
01:00:16Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Let's talk about this.
01:00:18Grant be buried headfirst in the plant pot.
01:00:20What do you mean, pot and plant?
01:00:24Grant be standing in front of me.
01:00:28Ah!
01:00:31Yeah. You want to be nice to me, Grant, OK?
01:00:34Maybe I can help you.
01:00:35Phew.
01:00:38I could make your life absolutely hell,
01:00:40or I could say, Grant be holding a million dollars.
01:00:48Oh, yeah!
01:00:50Or I could say, the million dollars disappear.
01:00:53Oh, come on!
01:00:56I can do anything.
01:00:57All I have to do is wave my hand.
01:01:00You're going to wave your hand?
01:01:02That's right.
01:01:03Isn't he great? I love you. I love you so much.
01:01:06Dennis, keep out of this.
01:01:07But you are great, Neil.
01:01:08You can do anything.
01:01:09Dennis, shut up!
01:01:10Bastard!
01:01:11Neil!
01:01:16Oh! Oh!
01:01:20Hi.
01:01:21Made your mind up yet?
01:01:23How about tonight?
01:01:24Good girl. Eight o'clock, my place.
01:01:26Yeah. Always pick the wrong guy, anyway.
01:01:29Oh, and I got you a new desk.
01:01:56Oh.
01:01:58Oh.
01:01:59Oh.
01:02:01Where...
01:02:03Oh! Where...
01:02:04Oh!
01:02:05Well, it's about time.
01:02:08Now, listen up.
01:02:09When I take that gag out of your mouth,
01:02:11you're going to say exactly what's on that piece of paper.
01:02:13You understand?
01:02:14The moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper,
01:02:18I kill the dog.
01:02:20Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
01:02:21Understand?
01:02:23Don't let him shoot me.
01:02:24Dog.
01:02:25Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
01:02:26Understand?
01:02:27Nod if you understand.
01:02:28Oh!
01:02:30Okay.
01:02:32Okay.
01:02:33I'm going to take the gag out now.
01:02:35Remember, one wrong word,
01:02:38and the dog gets it.
01:02:41Oh!
01:02:43Okay. Read.
01:02:46Item number one. Let's go.
01:02:48Come on.
01:02:49Item number...
01:02:50All pasty white Englishmen.
01:02:52Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears and webbed feet?
01:02:58Now, wave your hand.
01:03:00What? Wave your hand!
01:03:07Yes! Yes! Oh, that's beautiful.
01:03:19Neil!
01:03:21Neil!
01:03:30Neil?
01:03:41Neil?
01:03:50Oh!
01:03:52You don't worship me, do you?
01:03:53What?
01:03:55Ray. You're Ray.
01:03:59I've got to find Neil.
01:04:00Isn't he here?
01:04:01He wasn't at school, either.
01:04:02I left him with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
01:04:06Neil's got these powers.
01:04:07No, I know, I know.
01:04:09He got Miss Pringle to worship me,
01:04:11and now she's turned me into religion.
01:04:14They think I'm immortal.
01:04:15So what?
01:04:16They want me to prove it by rising from the dead.
01:04:21We've got to find Neil.
01:04:23What? Wait.
01:04:27Hey!
01:04:29Hey!
01:04:30What are you doing?
01:04:35No.
01:04:36I've got it!
01:04:38Where's your car?
01:04:39What?
01:04:40I know where they are.
01:04:44It's just out here.
01:04:45We can... Shit!
01:04:47Lord!
01:04:49Oh, no. Run for it!
01:04:52Get him!
01:04:53Lord!
01:04:56Yeah!
01:04:57This is working beautifully.
01:04:59OK, keep going. Number three, let's go.
01:05:01OK.
01:05:03Three all-British police to have pink uniforms.
01:05:08My personal favorite.
01:05:12Ray!
01:05:14Lord!
01:05:15Come to us!
01:05:17Ray!
01:05:19Ray!
01:05:25What's he talking about?
01:05:31Let go!
01:05:41There he is!
01:05:46Oh, no.
01:06:17Oh, it's beautiful! I can't believe it!
01:06:19All right, next one. Come on, read.
01:06:22Let all traffic lights be permanently self-green.
01:06:25Come on, let's just...
01:06:26Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:06:29Huh? Do it! Do it!
01:06:35Wait, now listen.
01:06:47God damn it!
01:06:48All right.
01:06:52Damn, that was so good!
01:06:54Grant, are you in there?
01:06:56Skip to the end.
01:06:57Hurry up, just skip to the end!
01:07:00Skip to the end, just... There.
01:07:02Come on, quick!
01:07:03Read it!
01:07:04Item 417, Catherine West.
01:07:08Come on!
01:07:10Let him go, Grant!
01:07:12Why should I?
01:07:13Go on, Neil.
01:07:14Read the last item.
01:07:16Item 417, Catherine West.
01:07:19Be madly, deeply in love with Colonel Grant Kochev
01:07:22and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex.
01:07:27You bastard.
01:07:29Come on, now, wave your hand.
01:07:30Come on.
01:07:31Neil, don't!
01:07:32Or the dog gets it!
01:07:33Don't let him shoot me, Neil!
01:07:35Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
01:07:36But I don't want to love him, Neil!
01:07:38I don't want to go anywhere near him!
01:07:39I don't want to die!
01:07:41Oh, dear!
01:07:42Yeah.
01:07:44Grant.
01:07:46I love you.
01:07:47Please, please, let's have sex now!
01:07:50Oh, yeah.
01:07:54Dennis, be free!
01:07:55I'm free! I'm free!
01:07:57Please!
01:07:59Uh, Grant, become a corgi!
01:08:01What? Oh, shit.
01:08:03Do it, do it, Grant.
01:08:05Do it, do it!
01:08:07Me be free.
01:08:09Yes, yes!
01:08:11Master!
01:08:12You chose to save me rather than that bitch!
01:08:14Yeah, don't call her that.
01:08:15Catherine, be her normal self and not in love with Grant.
01:08:21And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
01:08:29Oh, no!
01:08:30Get off me!
01:08:31Neil, stop!
01:08:32Lord, show us how to conquer death!
01:08:35Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray the way that you used to.
01:08:41What the hell, Ray?
01:08:42It's nothing to do with me.
01:08:45Get lost, you creep!
01:08:47Everyone else, forget about Ray!
01:08:53Thanks, Neil.
01:08:54Thanks a whole bunch.
01:08:58Uh, Ray, could you take me home, please?
01:09:00Sure.
01:09:03I'm s...
01:09:04I'm sorry, it's...
01:09:06Any thoughts?
01:09:09Pathetic!
01:09:10He has no concept of good or evil.
01:09:13Well, the dogs seem all right.
01:09:16Yes, yes, the dogs are all right. It's the people I can't stand.
01:09:36Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.
01:09:38Hey, sorry about the other night. It was...
01:09:41Can I cook you supper?
01:09:42Uh, no, thanks, Neil.
01:09:43I'm doing a whole suckling pig.
01:09:44No.
01:09:45Hey, what's the matter?
01:09:46Is it because I made you throw yourself at Grant?
01:09:48No.
01:09:49Look, you did what you had to do. It worked.
01:09:52Forgotten.
01:09:53Well, what is it, then?
01:09:54I don't know.
01:09:55I don't know.
01:09:56I don't know.
01:09:57I don't know.
01:09:58I don't know.
01:10:00I don't know.
01:10:01I don't know.
01:10:02I don't know.
01:10:03I don't know.
01:10:04I don't know.
01:10:05Then?
01:10:06Do you know what it feels like to be in someone else's power?
01:10:09To have no will of your own?
01:10:11Look, I...
01:10:12I thought that I made you love me.
01:10:15What?
01:10:16You know, with my powers.
01:10:19Oh, my God.
01:10:22Did I really come home early tonight because I wanted to, or did you make me?
01:10:25Of course.
01:10:26Have I always lived opposite you, or have you somehow rearranged things?
01:10:30I'm never gonna know.
01:10:31Look, I love you.
01:10:32How can any woman love a man who can make her do whatever he wants,
01:10:35any second, every day, forever?
01:10:38Look, I'm sorry, but I could never love you.
01:10:40Not in a million years.
01:10:42Oh, Catherine.
01:10:50Sharon! Sharon!
01:10:52Terrible news!
01:10:53This is indeed grave news.
01:10:55It appears that the solubrious gas has been interfering
01:10:59with our translation devices.
01:11:01What's he done, Sharon?
01:11:02I'm afraid, Janet,
01:11:04that we have been calling ourselves by foolish-sounding Earthling names.
01:11:10Female ones, at that.
01:11:12It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured
01:11:15among female Earthlings from...
01:11:17Australia.
01:11:19The shame of it.
01:11:20Sharon, I mean, what should we be calling you?
01:11:24Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
01:11:28Yes, oh, Death-Dealer!
01:11:33Great waffles, master.
01:11:35Who cares about waffles?
01:11:37Catherine hates me.
01:11:38Ray hates me.
01:11:40Everybody hates me!
01:11:42I don't hate you, and I care about waffles.
01:11:44I think I like them even more than biscuits, even red biscuits.
01:11:47You know what the worst thing is, Dennis?
01:11:48This is all my fault.
01:11:50You know, I was just thinking about myself, what I could get.
01:11:54And yet, with these powers,
01:11:56you know, I could have solved every problem in the world.
01:11:59I could have made people happy.
01:12:00You couldn't make Catherine happy.
01:12:02Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.
01:12:04You know, I was being selfish.
01:12:07I mean, take world hunger.
01:12:09You know, let everybody in the world have as much food as they want.
01:12:16I mean, take homelessness.
01:12:18Let everybody in the world have somewhere to live.
01:12:20No, no, no, live in their dream house.
01:12:22And war, senseless war, over, forever.
01:12:26Let there be no reason for anyone to make war on anyone anymore.
01:12:30Yay!
01:12:32Oh, and reverse global warming.
01:12:35Has it happened?
01:12:41And the latest nation to succumb to the sudden, mysterious,
01:12:44exponential growth in world food supplies is China,
01:12:48where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising.
01:12:51Well, today, a party of picnicking schoolchildren
01:12:53brought down a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China.
01:12:58As homelessness becomes a thing of the past,
01:13:00the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert
01:13:03has become a gated community known as Bojes Towers.
01:13:07Property developers are now converging on Antarctica.
01:13:09Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
01:13:11Well, that was a good one.
01:13:13Let there be no reason to make war...
01:13:14To make war on anyone anymore.
01:13:16Well, how could that go wrong?
01:13:19For no reason at all, New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
01:13:22Oh, wow. Oh, dear.
01:13:23Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
01:13:26And in a surprise move, the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis
01:13:29has declared war on the entire rest of the world.
01:13:32Our war correspondent says he is unavailable for comment
01:13:35because he's too busy covering all the other wars
01:13:38which have just broken out for no reason at all.
01:13:41A short time ago,
01:13:42scientists were afraid of constantly rising global temperatures.
01:13:46But none of them have any explanation for this sudden return...
01:13:49Oh, my God. Global warming.
01:13:50...not only to the last ice age,
01:13:53but to a snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
01:13:58On the other hand,
01:13:59plans to turn the Antarctic into the Captain Scott gated community
01:14:04have been put on hold...
01:14:05Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
01:14:07Oh.
01:14:08It's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
01:14:09Yeah, but this is just unfair.
01:14:12Let everything go back to how it was
01:14:13before I started trying to make everything better for everybody.
01:14:17Beautiful, though the Earth looks from space.
01:14:20We all know how fragile it is,
01:14:22how much damage human beings have done to it,
01:14:25and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
01:14:30Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
01:14:32It just drives you bloody mad.
01:14:35All right.
01:14:45Tell Catherine I love her.
01:14:47Don't do it, Master! I love you!
01:14:49I've made arrangements for your biscuits.
01:14:52You'll never have to worry about them again.
01:14:54You are the kindest, Master.
01:14:55Just shush, okay? I can't concentrate.
01:14:59Master, don't you love me?
01:15:01I can't stand it, Dennis!
01:15:03I can't stand the responsibility!
01:15:05You need to get that into your stupid dog brain!
01:15:09Help!
01:15:14I'll save you, Master! Here I come!
01:15:20Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
01:15:22Master, help!
01:15:24Help! Help!
01:15:26Oh, dear.
01:15:31Oh, there you are.
01:15:32Thank you, Master.
01:15:34Bless you.
01:15:37You do love me, Master.
01:15:39Of course I love you, Dennis.
01:15:41I just don't love myself.
01:15:46Time's up.
01:15:48Prime the destruction generator.
01:15:50Hang on. We need to check if he's passed the test.
01:15:53Well, he did start all those wars.
01:15:56That was good.
01:15:58But then he stopped them all.
01:16:00But why?
01:16:01He said he was trying to make things better for people.
01:16:07That's very appalling.
01:16:10The only good is to destroy. The only evil is weakness.
01:16:14Weakness must be annihilated.
01:16:18Agreed. Vaporise the Earthling and his wretched planet.
01:16:23I told you so.
01:16:25Reprime the destruction generator.
01:16:31No!
01:16:58Try her again, Neil.
01:16:59Go on.
01:17:01She won't have me.
01:17:03Then give up the powers.
01:17:04I can't.
01:17:06Then give them to me.
01:17:07You wouldn't have the powers, but you'd know where they were.
01:17:11And being a dog, all I want to do is follow orders.
01:17:14I'll do what you tell me to.
01:17:17Dennis, you're a genius.
01:17:18Not bad, huh?
01:17:22Destruction generator already charged.
01:17:25Death-dealing darkness bringer.
01:17:27Garach Garendal Pacta.
01:17:30Commencing destruction.
01:17:37It is a curse that our numerals take so long to pronounce.
01:17:41Yeah, it's like you just wave your hand. Like that.
01:17:44I feel it.
01:17:45Wow!
01:17:46Yeah. There you go.
01:17:48So what's it going to be? Biscuits?
01:17:51But the power made you miserable.
01:17:53Yeah, but I don't have them anymore, do I?
01:17:54Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
01:17:58See?
01:18:02What are you thinking, Dennis?
01:18:13Forgive me, Master.
01:18:14Wait, wait, wait. What are you going to do?
01:18:17Flock! That's the only short one.
01:18:22If I have any power,
01:18:24let the source of that power be destroyed.
01:18:26Forever.
01:18:29Scourge, tipper, use the Edna flute.
01:18:45Sit, big guy.
01:18:56Wait!
01:19:27All this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up.
01:19:34Fiona Blackwell, go away.
01:19:46Fiona! How lovely to see you.
01:19:50Hey, great news. I got my sight back.
01:19:54Hey, I think I hear Catherine.
01:19:57Catherine?
01:19:58Hi.
01:19:59Hey.
01:20:00Um, look, letters become cucumbers.
01:20:04Us beyond the prow of the Titanic.
01:20:06I got rid of the powers.
01:20:09I'm impressed.
01:20:12Yeah, so maybe we could have some dinner sometime.
01:20:18Yeah, maybe. Yeah.
01:20:20OK.
01:20:22I'll be back.
01:20:26I'll be back.
01:20:40How about tonight?
01:20:42I'll be down in half an hour.
01:20:51We're going out to dinner. I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
01:20:54I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.
01:20:56I can't. I like you as you are.
01:20:58Stubby legs. Look at you.
01:20:59I'm not a dog. I'm a man.
01:21:02Hey, nobody's perfect.
01:21:26Am I crazy?
01:21:29I think this just happened to me
01:21:32Absolutely anything and anything at all
01:21:38Streaking through the light
01:21:39Tripping through the sight
01:21:40This star is intergalactic
01:21:43Absolutely anything and anything at all
01:21:49Shining like a star
01:21:50Raining like a star
01:21:51Oh, absolutely anything
01:21:56This is chewing a biscuit, boss. I'll try and give you that right now.
01:21:58Hold on a second.
01:22:01No, red biscuit, right?
01:22:03No!
01:22:04No!
01:22:09Oh, got it.
01:22:10Licking, licking something.
01:22:14This is like porn. Now, shaking noise.
01:22:19Oh, look. There's the red bit.
01:22:23Oh, there's...
01:22:26I'm done.
01:22:27Again?
01:22:28That was great.
01:22:29That's enough chewing biscuit for our dinner of now.
01:22:35So now I got everything
01:22:38Whatever you want, you get
01:22:40When I write the song
01:22:42Everyone sings along
01:22:45But I can hear the thunder
01:22:47Coming raining down
01:22:49Raining down
01:22:51Have I at all was a bit of a ball
01:22:53But the truth keeps rolling around
01:22:55I think I'm gonna cuckoo
01:22:57Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo
01:22:59Tell me that I'm wrong
01:23:01Hacks at me like voodoo
01:23:03Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo
01:23:05Yeah, I'm gonna play along
01:23:06I think I got the power
01:23:08What you gonna do
01:23:09I'll make a happy hour
01:23:11So I'm good
01:23:12So call my people
01:23:13Cut them down hot
01:23:14So call my people
01:23:16Give me what you got
01:23:17I'm gonna get you jumping
01:23:19Jumping on the spot
01:23:20With a little something, something
01:23:21Something that you got
01:23:23So call my people
01:23:25Yeah, call my people
01:23:29Absolutely anything
01:23:31And anything at all
01:23:35Streaking through the light
01:23:36But you better recite this story
01:23:39Intergalactic
01:23:40Absolutely anything
01:23:41And anything at all
01:23:43I can see the future
01:23:44But I never get to tell
01:23:45Shining in the starlight
01:23:46All I wanna do is say
01:23:48Absolutely anything
01:23:53Absolutely anything
01:24:04Absolutely anything
01:24:12Streaking through the light
01:24:14But you better recite this story
01:24:16Intergalactic
01:24:18Streaking through the light
01:24:20But you better recite this story
01:24:22Intergalactic
01:24:24And anything at all
01:24:26I can see the future
01:24:27But I never get to tell
01:24:29Shining in the starlight
01:24:30All I wanna do is say
01:24:32Absolutely anything
01:24:35Absolutely anything
01:24:41Absolutely anything
01:24:48Absolutely anything
01:24:53Absolutely anything
01:25:11Absolutely anything