18+ Half Magic 2018 English Movie

Infinity World
Infinity World
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18+ Half Magic 2018 English Movie
Transcript
00:00:00Danny! Don't flush me! Stop, I'm getting wet!
00:00:24That's the idea! Stop it!
00:00:29Hi, sweetie.
00:00:30Oh, come on! Come on, let's go back to my place.
00:00:33Maybe we should wait.
00:00:35Wait, Schmate!
00:00:38These two people are not married, and they're going to have premarital sex.
00:00:42You could go to hell for that.
00:00:44All right, that's it. You're not allowed to watch this show anymore.
00:00:47It inspires urges that are wrong and bad.
00:00:52Okay, let's go to your place.
00:00:53Groovy!
00:00:54You could go to hell for those urges.
00:01:00In hell, there is a fire that will laugh at you for all eternity.
00:01:06You've got to decide.
00:01:08Do you want to go to heaven, or do you want to go to hell?
00:01:17Yeah, you're a bad girl, huh? You're a bad girl?
00:01:20I'm a bad girl.
00:01:21Yeah. You're a dirty little slut, huh? Dirty little slut.
00:01:24Um, yes.
00:01:26Say it. Say you're a dirty slut.
00:01:27I'm a dirty slut.
00:01:28Yeah, you're a dirty slut.
00:01:53Why do you always call me a dirty little slut?
00:01:55Ah, come on. You love it.
00:01:58I like having sex on a bed.
00:02:00Is this because maybe you're jealous that I'm more successful than you?
00:02:04Mr. Brock, we're ready for you on stage.
00:02:07Peter, you have been in one great movie after another.
00:02:10Walk me through your process. How do you prepare for this?
00:02:13I'll tell you, I play a lot of action heroes.
00:02:16And in those movies, I have heavy artillery. I have guns. Okay?
00:02:23I have a gun on me right now.
00:02:25Not physically, in the physical sense.
00:02:28If I put it on the table earlier, it's right here. Imagine it. Okay?
00:02:31It's an emotional gun for me.
00:02:33Right.
00:02:34This gun's here all the time.
00:02:37Sometimes I put it in my pocket. Sometimes I put it in my...
00:02:40That's how I prepare.
00:02:41I'm always ready. I'm always the action hero.
00:02:43Bang! Not real. But real.
00:02:46I'll do it.
00:02:48Don't do it.
00:02:49I won't do it.
00:02:50I won't do it.
00:02:51You've been doing this for years and years and years.
00:02:53Certainly, you've heard some of the talk on the streets.
00:02:55People say that Peter is just a tough guy, a hard guy to work with.
00:02:59How do you respond to that?
00:03:01Napoleon died exiled on an island of leprosy.
00:03:04That's true. That's history.
00:03:06Jesus died on the cross.
00:03:09Visionaries die sometimes quicker than non-visionaries.
00:03:14You're a visionary?
00:03:15Thank you. But I'm not saying... Well, you're asking.
00:03:17I think that's up for the press to decide.
00:03:20I think that bloggers and people who write physical magazines
00:03:23have said I was a visionary.
00:03:25People have tweeted me about that.
00:03:27You made Bros Before Hoes. Why don't you make the female version?
00:03:29I wrote a great script. It's called Chicks Before Dicks.
00:03:31Did you read it?
00:03:32Boo-boo, you have all the time. You really do.
00:03:34I'm the one that discovered you and gave you a big break, right?
00:03:36Yeah.
00:03:37Yeah, I promoted you to be my D-girl, right?
00:03:39I want to be a writer.
00:03:40I know you want to be a writer. And in due time. Really.
00:03:42Your writing is great. It's fresh and very unique.
00:03:44But you're bogging yourself down talking about stupid shit.
00:03:46You know what?
00:03:47Nobody wants to hear about women's stories.
00:03:49If you want to make a film, you've got to talk about a man.
00:03:51You've got to write about a man. That's what you have to do.
00:03:53Well, can you read my script? It's called The Year of My Yoni.
00:03:55It's about a woman who goes on a spiritual quest to find happiness
00:03:57and to learn about her yoni.
00:03:58Yoni? I don't even know what that is.
00:04:00Is that like a new way of saying vagina?
00:04:01It sounds like a porno. I'm not into it.
00:04:03Look, a guy bashing another guy's skull in with a baseball bat.
00:04:06That's what sells.
00:04:10Well, I could change the title to The Ultra-Violent Yoni.
00:04:13You know, that's a good start.
00:04:14You could put more violence in your script.
00:04:15That would definitely get a better chance of getting it made.
00:04:17On my end, I'm going to put more female characters in my next script.
00:04:20Really?
00:04:21Yeah. It's called Kill the Sluts.
00:04:23I'm going to pick a title that's more PC a little bit later.
00:04:25That's a working title.
00:04:26But basically, the movie's about this crazy psychopathic killer
00:04:30that goes on a killing rampage and kills all these teenage sluts.
00:04:32But the only person that he can't kill is an 18-year-old virgin.
00:04:36Don't you think that will send out a weird message to women
00:04:38and teenage girls about sex and those women might grow up and have a lot of issues?
00:04:41I'm not saying I'm against women's rights.
00:04:43I'm just saying that there's no market for their films.
00:05:13Okay.
00:05:43Hello.
00:06:03Welcome.
00:06:05Is this your first time?
00:06:06I guess so.
00:06:07Are you ready to uncover your deepest desires
00:06:10revolution. I don't know. That's good enough for now. You are in exactly the
00:06:16right place. Welcome. Fear. So what? Fear. So what? Failure. So what? Failure. So what? My pussy is strong. My pussy is strong. My pussy is a genius. My pussy is a genius.
00:06:38We must listen to our pussies. Ladies, I would now like to introduce you to a
00:06:52dear friend of mine, my mentor, Dr. Christiane Northrup.
00:06:58Thank you. All right. I have something really magical to tell you. I love my breasts. Say it with me. I love my breasts. I love your breasts, too, Chris. I love yours. Thank you.
00:07:24Thank you. Now it is time to honor the breasts of the women in the room. I would like you to turn to the person next to you and look at her breasts and say, your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you. Everybody find a partner, please.
00:07:42Excuse me. Could you be my partner? Sure. Okay. Hi. I don't have a partner. Is it possible we could do a three-way? I've never done a three-way.
00:07:53This is my third time taking the class. First time, I liked my boobs. Second time, I loved my boobs. Now, I really, really love my boobs. Wow. Yeah. This is a powerful exercise to release the shame that we carry in our sexual organs. Okay. Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.
00:08:20Okay. Your bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you. Wow. This is my first lesbian experience. I didn't know I had it in me. Okay. Are you Eva St. Clair, the designer? Yes. Wow. Why are you in this class? You seem so together. Believe me. I have issues.
00:08:46That is now the end of the class for the Divine Feminine Workshop. We will be meeting next week to worship and decorate our pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies. Pussies.
00:09:06This class changed my life. This class, my color therapy workshops, and my past life regression conferences. What's color therapy? It's about how certain colors make you feel. That sounds helpful. Do you guys want to come to the place where I work? I cast magical spells to make your dreams come true. I'm a hopologist. What's a hopologist? I just made that word up. Isn't it awesome? I believe in the religion of hope or hopology. I just made that up, too.
00:09:36I just spent an hour singing about my pussy. So, why the hell not? Yeah, I mean, if you do that, you're going home to think about how much I hate myself. So, let's do it. Let's do it.
00:09:52This place is really cool. Okay. So, what do you want to wish for? How does it work? Oh, I carve these candles and cast spells on them. I don't know if it's positive intention or creative visualization or actual magic, but these spells work for a lot of people. Some of my regulars call me the witch.
00:10:16What kind of spells? Oh, all kinds. Some for serious stuff like the love or work and stuff, but some fun ones, too, like I want my own unicorn. They aren't magical. They're overpriced candles for rich idiots who've got nothing better to do. Your paycheck's on my desk. Can you take out the trash while you're at it? I don't want the rats getting in there.
00:10:32Sorry, Mr. J. Did Mr. Funtime just call us idiots? What an asshole. I think some people just don't have enough imagination. Honey, I think you should go first. Okay. Well, I want to have hot sex with someone who's really nice to me. Hot sex. Yes, give it to me. I want that, too.
00:10:51I want to not fall asleep during sex. I want to be awake. I want to be an active part of it. Okay, I want in. I want in.
00:11:04Okay. I'm going to use the red candle for passion. So, you hold the candle and you think about what you want to release from your life, and then think about what you want. Picture the hot sex.
00:11:21All right. I want to have the hottest sex I've ever had with someone who's really nice to me. And so mote it be. Mote? It's witch talk for it, and so shall it be. Witch talk. I like it.
00:11:42Okay. You guys, I really just want my ex-husband back. I don't need hot sex. I mean, like, room temperature, warm sex would be nice for me. Here I go. And so mote it be. And so mote it be. I want hot sex with Daniel. So mote it be.
00:12:12Okay. I don't know if all of this is BS, but I actually feel better. Oh, my God, I'm invited to a fun party tonight. Do you guys want to go with me? Yeah.
00:12:43Oh, my God. Wait for it. Awesome. Here we go. Oh, my God. Amazing.
00:12:58Hi. Nice to meet you.
00:13:09Oh, my God. My first hot kiss in a long time.
00:13:28What is happening?
00:13:36Hey. Hi. So good to see you, babe. Good to see you, too. And who is your gorgeous friend? Oh, honey, this is Freeman. He's a great artist. Hi. He does these cool white inspirations. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
00:13:52I would really love to show you my art installations. I would love to see your art installations. I'd really love to dance with you right now. Okay. Let's do it.
00:14:22Want to get something to eat? I can't because I have to get up early tomorrow and have a boyfriend.
00:14:33What's that? No one can take away the dance. It's a Spanish saying. No matter what happens, we'll always have this wonderful night and our dance.
00:14:45Thanks for your jacket. That was fun.
00:14:56Dance is forever. Dance is forever.
00:15:15This is what I want to happen. I want the slut to have an orgasm, and then when she has an orgasm, I want the killer to come up behind her and just stab her in the ass, okay?
00:15:23I want there to be a lot of blood in this scene, like almost too much where you're like, but a lot, but like almost too much.
00:15:30I also want there to be very good dialogue, okay? And that's where you come in. So I want the character to say something cool like, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.
00:15:37Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you. Got it. You do whatever you want to do but that.
00:15:42I'm sick of watching women get stabbed in movies.
00:15:46I think it's a great idea, Peter. I love all your ideas. I love them so much.
00:15:52Excuse me, but why does the woman who enjoys sex always have to die in horror films? Maybe she could fight back.
00:15:59We could work in some more nudity that way.
00:16:02What if the slut fights the killer and every orgasm she has makes her stronger?
00:16:06That's funny. I think we should at least try it.
00:16:10Well, you know what, John, I would try that, but I think that's probably the worst fucking idea I've ever heard in my entire life, so I probably can't do that one.
00:16:17I like sluts. Why do they all have to die? I mean, nobody kills male sluts in movies.
00:16:21I like sluts, too. Who doesn't like sluts? Maybe one should live.
00:16:26Well, Linda, the thing is you already approved the draft that I wrote, so...
00:16:30Who are you? I'm a development person.
00:16:32Well, yeah, she was my old assistant until recently I promoted her into development before I realized what an angry feminist she is.
00:16:39She's also a writer, actually a really good writer.
00:16:42Well, we all write.
00:16:43I want to be a writer. I'm the young assistant.
00:16:46Peter.
00:16:47All right, well, you know, that's confusing, but I like this idea. I think we should explore it.
00:16:53Yeah, Linda, but I think...
00:16:54Peter, I gave you final cut. No studio is going to offer you that. The slut lives.
00:17:00Old assistant person, I would like you and John to work on the next draft. Get it to me when you're done.
00:17:07Linda, if I could just... I want to talk to you about...
00:17:09Yeah, I have an appointment in St. Bart's later today.
00:17:15Excuse me, but what the hell was that?
00:17:18Well, when we started working together, you said you liked my ideas.
00:17:21It embarrasses me to think about the idiotic films that you want to make.
00:17:25I thought it was a good idea. Better than a guy stabbing a girl in the ass.
00:17:28Sex and violence is a proven formula that makes a profit.
00:17:32What about sex and happiness?
00:17:35You're embarrassing yourself. What are you talking about?
00:17:39I want to break up.
00:17:42What? Really?
00:17:45You want to break up with me?
00:17:47Do you have any idea how many girls want to sleep with me right now? Huh? So many.
00:17:53I'm Peter Brock, okay?
00:17:55Why don't you go have sex with him?
00:17:58Yeah, maybe I will, okay? But you know what?
00:18:01Actually, rewind. I break up with you.
00:18:04Before what you said, I break up with you before you said you'd break up with me.
00:18:08That was my idea.
00:18:10Great idea.
00:18:12I'm Peter Brock. Look at this.
00:18:15There's three posters here.
00:18:18There's some behind the door I didn't even hang up.
00:18:21You are my honey bunny. Come here.
00:18:24You are my honey bunny. Come here.
00:18:27You are my honey bunny.
00:18:35Get me a coffee.
00:18:44At least he sounds like a wanker.
00:18:46Why work for him?
00:18:48It's hard to find work in the movie business. It's a man's world.
00:18:51Oh, yeah.
00:18:54Food.
00:18:56Do you like eating with your hands?
00:18:58Um, I don't know.
00:19:01No, you can just feel the food, you know?
00:19:04Sometimes I just want to eat like a dog.
00:19:06Yeah, I just want to put my face in there, yeah?
00:19:16Come on, try it.
00:19:17Oh, it's so good. Give it a go. Come on.
00:19:19Oh, no, that's okay.
00:19:20Come on. You've got to try this.
00:19:22Come on.
00:19:26Mmm, yum.
00:19:27Yeah, right?
00:19:28Delicious.
00:19:30It's right from the plate to your face.
00:19:32Wow, so much better this way.
00:19:33It is, absolutely. I'm going to join you.
00:19:36It's so good.
00:19:38I love you.
00:19:39I love you.
00:19:43You know I don't want a relationship, right?
00:19:47You knew that, though, right?
00:19:50Well, are we already actually having a relationship?
00:19:53I mean, we've been dating for two years, and you just told me you love me.
00:19:57Oh, yeah, well, you know, yeah, I love you.
00:20:00You know, I love you as a sister, you know, as a friend,
00:20:05and as a sexual partner, as a fellow human being, you know?
00:20:11But I think we should just find an even better way to do relationships, you know?
00:20:16Yeah.
00:20:19Right?
00:20:21Oh, shit, babe, I've got to go, actually, because I have a...
00:20:26I just got a crazy week.
00:20:28Oh, can I also, babe, can I leave my laundry here and get in on Thursday?
00:20:37You want me to do your laundry while you date other women?
00:20:41I mean, that would be really insensitive if we were in some old-fashioned, you know,
00:20:45closed-minded relationship, but since we're not, you know,
00:20:48we're not confining ourselves to societal norms, then I think it's fine.
00:20:53Yeah.
00:20:55All right.
00:20:56Bye.
00:21:05Hey, me again.
00:21:07Listen, I was just going to say, why don't you just ignore those previous voicemails, okay?
00:21:13Because here's the real truth, okay?
00:21:16Let's get honest.
00:21:18I am great.
00:21:20I'm great.
00:21:21I'm so great.
00:21:22And I'm super happy for you and Chandra.
00:21:26And here's the thing.
00:21:28I'm so happy.
00:21:29I'm so happy, and I'm great.
00:21:30Like, if great were people, I'd be like fucking, where's there a lot of people?
00:21:34India?
00:21:35Beijing?
00:21:36I'm fucking Beijing.
00:21:37That's how great I am.
00:21:41So I saved one of your messages that you left me, you know, like right when you were like,
00:21:44hey, by the way, I'm fucking a 19-year-old.
00:21:46It's such a great message.
00:21:47It's so amazing.
00:21:48I'm so glad you told me things on a voicemail.
00:21:51You are so brave.
00:21:52And by brave, I mean, like, you're a fucking idiot.
00:21:56I just wanted you to know that.
00:21:57I saved it, and I play it for my friends.
00:21:58And we laugh, and we laugh, and then I tell them about your weird dick.
00:22:03And I'm fucking naked.
00:22:06And I have on those high-heel, like, fuck-me pumps that you love.
00:22:11Ah, yeah, I'm naked.
00:22:14You know what else?
00:22:15Remember that time you told me to squeeze your dick really hard at the base of it?
00:22:19I'm fucking doing that.
00:22:21And, you know, yeah, and it's awesome.
00:22:26So maybe call me.
00:22:32Because I could attack your cock.
00:22:35I really think you should come over because I might do something bad to myself.
00:22:40Oh, my God, I might do something so bad.
00:22:42And then, I mean, I don't know what I would do, but it would be bad.
00:22:46And then you would feel guilty, like, for the rest of your life.
00:22:49So I can't wait to hear from you.
00:22:53Okay, bye.
00:22:56Bye.
00:23:04Wow.
00:23:06This is amazing.
00:23:19Is this all your art?
00:23:20Oh, yeah.
00:23:22See, our society is sick, yeah?
00:23:28It's no wonder the earth is dying.
00:23:30Because the culture sends this message, yeah?
00:23:34Join the rat race.
00:23:35Make money.
00:23:36Be a winner.
00:23:37Otherwise, you're nothing.
00:23:38It's read us weekly.
00:23:39Drink the Kool-Aid.
00:23:41Fuck that shit.
00:23:43I'm my own man.
00:23:44I mean, sure, I've got to make money.
00:23:46But I don't let them own me.
00:23:49I'm seeking their approval, yeah?
00:23:52I'm free.
00:23:55Watch out for my freedom.
00:23:57Okay.
00:24:05I've got exercise classes, you know?
00:24:08I do my own thing.
00:24:11I follow the man.
00:24:13I create my own moves.
00:24:15I don't need someone to give them to me.
00:24:19You know, yoga exercises are thousands of years old for a reason.
00:24:22They really work.
00:24:30Why don't you let the man own you?
00:24:34Why don't you go your own way?
00:24:38This is a trying to please people.
00:24:43Are you going to keep doing those moves?
00:24:47Oh, yeah.
00:25:13Eva!
00:25:20Shit.
00:25:22Are you in there?
00:25:28Hi.
00:25:31Fuck me bumps, huh?
00:25:33Uh, they're upstairs and want me to get them.
00:25:35Oh, that's okay.
00:25:37I took them off because they hurt my feet.
00:25:39Mm-hmm. I put on the sweats.
00:25:41I was worried, obviously.
00:25:43So many messages.
00:25:45You were worried about me?
00:25:46Well, 14 messages and some suicide threats.
00:25:49I never said suicide.
00:25:51I said maybe something bad.
00:25:54And that you would die alone.
00:25:56You're not going to die alone.
00:25:58But if you do, it's because of doing things like this.
00:26:02You look really nice.
00:26:05Thank you.
00:26:06I'm going to go.
00:26:07It's Chandra's birthday.
00:26:08We're doing a thing.
00:26:09It's her birthday?
00:26:11Oh, wait. I have a question for you.
00:26:13Mm-hmm.
00:26:14Like, where was Chandra when I was putting you through art school?
00:26:18Oh, my God! That's right!
00:26:20Here comes the flood.
00:26:21Oh, my God!
00:26:22There it is.
00:26:23She was in kindergarten.
00:26:24We are doing this.
00:26:25Well, guess what?
00:26:26Eva, I could never keep up with you
00:26:27because all you ever cared about was money.
00:26:28You're a fucking liar.
00:26:30Because I don't care about money.
00:26:32I put you through art school.
00:26:34You're just like, what?
00:26:35What do you even do for a living?
00:26:36You drive a douchebag car.
00:26:38You drive a much douchier car than that.
00:26:39That was the one we could afford.
00:26:41I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that.
00:26:43I don't like you right now.
00:26:45I love you somewhat,
00:26:47but right now,
00:26:49I don't think you would like me either
00:26:51because you're being horrible.
00:26:53And you look horrible.
00:26:56I just want to have a baby.
00:26:59Okay. Come here.
00:27:01Come here.
00:27:04Hi. Hi.
00:27:06Don't make her think. Don't make her think.
00:27:08Oh, my God. You smell so weird.
00:27:10You smell so good.
00:27:12No, just don't.
00:27:13Don't humiliate yourself
00:27:14any more than you have, okay?
00:27:15You smell like, I don't know,
00:27:17like lavender or something.
00:27:18Just stop. Just stop.
00:27:19Don't embarrass yourself any more.
00:27:21You don't embarrass yourself, buddy.
00:27:23You settle down.
00:27:25What's happening down there?
00:27:26Don't. Don't.
00:27:27We're not.
00:27:28Okay.
00:27:30Brew up some coffee.
00:27:31Don't. Please.
00:27:33I care very deeply about you.
00:27:35Without loving you.
00:27:36Throw up, go to sleep, take a shower.
00:27:38I already threw up.
00:27:40Okay.
00:27:42I love you so much.
00:27:44Bye. Thank you for coming.
00:27:46Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
00:27:54The only reason a man and a woman
00:27:57should have carnal knowledge of each other
00:28:00is to create a child.
00:28:03Any other physical union
00:28:05between a man and a woman
00:28:08is a sin.
00:28:14And sins are punishable
00:28:16by hellfire and damnation.
00:28:18I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:28:20You will go to hell.
00:28:22I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:28:26You all right?
00:28:30Did I just say that out loud?
00:28:31Yeah.
00:28:34It felt so good.
00:28:36I felt like I was doing something wrong.
00:28:38I'm fucked up.
00:28:40I don't think you're fucked up.
00:28:42You don't?
00:28:43No.
00:28:45I think you're divine.
00:28:48Divinity itself.
00:28:50In physical form.
00:28:52Really?
00:28:54Yeah.
00:29:04I thought I knew what sex and orgasms were before,
00:29:07but I did not.
00:29:09I mean, I feel like I understand the meaning of life now,
00:29:11and the meaning of life is to have as much sex as possible
00:29:14with this guy over and over again.
00:29:17Oh, great sex!
00:29:19Oh, it makes you do stupid things.
00:29:21I feel like I tried to please the guy so much before
00:29:23that I never, like, really got off.
00:29:26Darren would just...
00:29:30And that was on the rare occasions that he could get it up.
00:29:33This is your ex?
00:29:35You know what?
00:29:37People say they want to hear the truth, but they don't.
00:29:39They just want to be like, oh, poor Eva.
00:29:41Did you hear? Eva's husband cheated on her.
00:29:43Here's the truth.
00:29:45I supported him financially for 14 years.
00:29:47That emasculated him.
00:29:49Oh, poor guy.
00:29:51So then he got erectile dysfunction.
00:29:53Oh, wah.
00:29:55So then he had to go fuck a 21-year-old.
00:29:57So he could feel like a man again.
00:30:00He's not worthy of you, because you're great.
00:30:02Yeah.
00:30:04Thank you.
00:30:06I feel like I have to do everything the guy says or he'll leave me.
00:30:09Like, I've been dating this guy for two years,
00:30:12pretending the entire time like I don't know he's dating other girls.
00:30:15You need to ask him for what you want.
00:30:17Just say, I only want you to see me.
00:30:19Or date other men and flaunt them in front of him.
00:30:21Yeah, but I only want him.
00:30:23God, why are we sitting around talking about how sad our lives are?
00:30:26Why do women do that?
00:30:28You know, you're right.
00:30:30We should be talking about how great we are.
00:30:32And if someone gives us a compliment, we should say,
00:30:34thank you, it's true.
00:30:36You start.
00:30:38What?
00:30:40And give myself a compliment?
00:30:42Yeah, just do it.
00:30:44Okay.
00:30:46I think I'm more attractive than I thought.
00:30:48Because, all right, well, there's this guy at the coffee cart on the beach.
00:30:51He asks me out all the time.
00:30:53He's super attractive, and he's 28.
00:30:55Ah! You should go for it.
00:30:57No.
00:30:59Yeah. Really?
00:31:01Move over. There's a new skank in town.
00:31:05I think I'm going to tell my man that I'm not going to do his laundry.
00:31:08So there.
00:31:10Because I am super hot, and he should feel lucky to tap that ass,
00:31:13so he better behave.
00:31:15Yeah, you should do your laundry.
00:31:17Yeah, you are so hot, like, really hot.
00:31:19Thank you. It's true.
00:31:21Okay, your turn.
00:31:23Okay.
00:31:25I'm not a dirty slut.
00:31:27Having sex with me is a religious experience.
00:31:29Yeah, it is.
00:31:31I want a new candle.
00:31:33Oh, I brought the love candle.
00:31:37Honey.
00:31:39Thank you.
00:31:41So sweet.
00:31:43You know, we talk about pleasing men, but what about pleasing us?
00:31:45You know what we should say?
00:31:47Get down there and lick it.
00:31:49Lick it?
00:31:51Darren never licked it.
00:31:53I think I'm due.
00:31:55Lick it!
00:31:57I like it. Lick it.
00:32:07I want to see freedom again.
00:32:09I want love, not sex.
00:32:19I want love.
00:32:21I want love.
00:32:23I want love.
00:32:25I want love.
00:32:27I want love.
00:32:29I want love.
00:32:31I want love.
00:32:33I want love.
00:32:35I want love.
00:32:37I want love.
00:32:39I want love.
00:32:41I want love.
00:32:43I want love.
00:32:45I want love.
00:32:48I hope you don't think I'm easy.
00:32:51Why would I think you're easy?
00:32:53Because we had sex on the first date.
00:32:55I don't think it's weird not to have sex on the first date.
00:32:59Really?
00:33:01Because I want to go back to my place, and get stoned.
00:33:04Yeah.
00:33:17Do you want a hit?
00:33:24I don't really smoke.
00:33:25Oh come on, just one.
00:33:26Okay.
00:33:27Yeah.
00:33:28You alright?
00:33:29Yeah.
00:33:30It's okay.
00:33:31When we were together, could you feel that energy going back and forth between our souls?
00:33:50It felt amazing.
00:33:51Yeah.
00:33:52I don't think we even need to talk, yeah?
00:33:55Can't you just feel what I'm thinking?
00:34:01I don't think so.
00:34:04I bet you can, yeah?
00:34:10Can you feel it now?
00:34:13Can you just tell me?
00:34:15No, no, no.
00:34:22What about now?
00:34:26Now?
00:34:29I'm the most wonderful person you've ever met.
00:34:56Now?
00:34:58Now.
00:35:25Now?
00:35:27Now.
00:35:29Now.
00:35:31Now.
00:35:33Now.
00:35:35Now.
00:35:37Now.
00:35:39Now.
00:35:41Now.
00:35:43Now.
00:35:45Now.
00:35:47Now.
00:35:49Now.
00:35:51Now.
00:35:53Now.
00:35:55Now.
00:35:57Now.
00:35:59Now.
00:36:01Now.
00:36:03Now.
00:36:05Now.
00:36:07Now.
00:36:09Now.
00:36:11Now.
00:36:13Now.
00:36:17We've never done anything wrong.
00:36:20Empowered slots, I like that. That's provocative.
00:36:25You think we can get that past the ratings board?
00:36:28Hey, guys. Sorry, I just downloaded this new app.
00:36:33It detects shitty movie ideas and it literally led me right here.
00:36:37Anyway, let me know if you have any real movie ideas that we can turn into actual movies.
00:36:44Okay. Bye.
00:36:51Encouraging. I love that guy.
00:36:55Oh, I wanted to say, I read your script about the Afghan woman who fights for the right to divorce her husband.
00:37:03That was strong.
00:37:04How did you get a copy of that?
00:37:06I got K'nex and all that.
00:37:08Oh.
00:37:09Actually, Peter wanted me to write coverage.
00:37:12Oh. I thought he read that one.
00:37:14I don't know. He's a busy guy.
00:37:16But I really love the scene where Afshan says, this is my woman part to do with what I want.
00:37:23That was pretty intense.
00:37:26You really liked it?
00:37:28Yeah, it was powerful.
00:37:47I love that.
00:38:00I want love.
00:38:10And so would it be.
00:38:17Thank you, honey.
00:38:18Sure.
00:38:19Hi. I'll just take a regular coffee, please.
00:38:22I'm just looking for this guy. I think he works here.
00:38:25I don't know his name, but he's 28.
00:38:28I know. 28. I know, I know. I know what you're thinking.
00:38:31Do you know who I'm talking about?
00:38:32No.
00:38:33No?
00:38:34Eva?
00:38:35Mark!
00:38:36Hi.
00:38:37Oh my God.
00:38:38Oh, it's been so long. How are you?
00:38:40Good. I'm okay. Yeah.
00:38:42How's Dan?
00:38:44We got a divorce.
00:38:45He didn't tell you?
00:38:46Yeah, I heard.
00:38:49Sorry.
00:38:50Yeah.
00:38:51Rebecca and I got divorced, too.
00:38:54I'm so sorry.
00:38:56No, actually, it's for the best.
00:38:58Plus, we have two beautiful daughters, five and ten, so no regrets.
00:39:06Do you want to have a coffee?
00:39:08Yeah.
00:39:11What are you doing right now?
00:39:14Nothing.
00:39:15You want to go for a walk, catch up?
00:39:18Yeah, I'd really like that.
00:39:20I was making dresses in my kitchen, and then just boom, you know?
00:39:25That's amazing.
00:39:29I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.
00:39:31I feel like such a failure.
00:39:33Oh, don't say that.
00:39:35I just wish we would have had kids, you know, like you guys.
00:39:38But we were never on the same page with that.
00:39:41Rebecca, you are in no way a failure.
00:39:44You're a huge, huge success in every way.
00:39:54Stunning.
00:39:56Thank you.
00:39:57It's true.
00:40:00Thank you.
00:40:01It's true.
00:40:02I like that.
00:40:05Did you know I left a lot for him?
00:40:07No.
00:40:08Yeah, you know, threw the hair out, stopped shaving, opened a restaurant.
00:40:13No way!
00:40:15Yeah.
00:40:16You always told me I should.
00:40:17Remember that night I made the panna cotta with aged balsamico?
00:40:20Yes.
00:40:21I had like a food orgasm over that dessert.
00:40:23Yes, you did.
00:40:28Congratulations.
00:40:30You're amazing.
00:40:31Thank you.
00:40:33It's true.
00:40:35I feel a little lost in my life.
00:40:39You know?
00:40:41Okay.
00:40:42I don't know.
00:40:43Like, why am I a success?
00:40:45I mean, is it because I make dresses?
00:40:47Oh, yeah, I suppose everybody would say that.
00:40:52But personally, you're just good to be around.
00:40:59I'm always happy when I'm near you.
00:41:04Pat is crazy sweet.
00:41:08You are crazy beautiful.
00:41:12Oh, wait.
00:41:13Oh, my gosh.
00:41:14What?
00:41:20I've had a crush on you for 14 years.
00:41:22Really?
00:41:23Why?
00:41:25What?
00:41:26Okay.
00:41:27What?
00:41:28What?
00:41:29What are we doing?
00:41:30Because I haven't been with anyone since my...
00:41:34I would like to keep my clothes on.
00:41:37Just...
00:41:38Oh, God.
00:41:40Oh, my God.
00:41:42Wait a second.
00:41:44Oh, my God.
00:41:46You're so good at this.
00:41:48I've wanted to do this since I met you.
00:41:50That's what you were thinking the whole time?
00:41:52When we met at Walmart?
00:41:54Are you kidding me?
00:41:56It's kind of weird.
00:41:57Thank you for telling me.
00:41:58Because I was, like, thinking, oh, nice guy at Walmart.
00:42:01He buys, like, stuff in bulk.
00:42:04I get it.
00:42:05Oh, my God.
00:42:07Oh, God.
00:42:08Oh, God.
00:42:09And then I was like, hey, you drive a Prius.
00:42:11And that's cool.
00:42:13You're a cool person.
00:42:14Hey, what?
00:42:15Just slow down on that bottom part.
00:42:17Oh, my God.
00:42:18Shut up.
00:42:19I'm going to stop talking now.
00:42:20I'm not going to talk anymore.
00:42:21I'm not going to talk anymore.
00:42:24You're, like, really good at this.
00:42:26Oh, God.
00:42:27Wait.
00:42:28I didn't groom.
00:42:29I didn't groom.
00:42:30Okay.
00:42:31Okay.
00:42:32No.
00:42:33Actually, I'm okay.
00:42:34I'm okay.
00:42:35Never mind.
00:42:36Don't listen to me.
00:42:37Just stop.
00:42:38Just stop.
00:42:39Oh.
00:42:40Oh.
00:42:41I want love.
00:42:47Babe?
00:42:50Do you have that bag?
00:42:53I'm doing that lecture on techno-social wormholes downtown,
00:42:56and they're going to put it on YouTube.
00:42:58Isn't that great?
00:43:02I didn't have time to do your laundry.
00:43:04And if you want to be with me, you can't date anybody else.
00:43:12If you want to be with me, you can't date anybody else.
00:43:16Have you noticed that I'm great?
00:43:18Because you don't treat me that way.
00:43:20Oh, where's all this coming from?
00:43:22It's coming from me.
00:43:24You were fine with everything a few days ago.
00:43:27I take care of you.
00:43:29When are you going to take care of me?
00:43:31Relationships are hard for me.
00:43:32My parents got divorced.
00:43:33Oh, God.
00:43:34Stop it.
00:43:35Stop using that as an excuse for everything.
00:43:38My family was fucked up, too.
00:43:39Let it go.
00:43:42I don't really like your tone of voice right now, honestly.
00:43:45You need to figure that out.
00:43:48Well, those don't look very clean to me.
00:43:51No.
00:43:53They're very dirty.
00:43:55What?
00:43:56Yeah.
00:43:57Extremely dirty.
00:43:59And smelly.
00:44:00Seriously?
00:44:01You know what?
00:44:02You're going to regret this tomorrow,
00:44:04and when you do, you can call me, okay?
00:44:07When you are ready to treat me like the amazing person I am,
00:44:11you call me.
00:44:12I won't be calling you.
00:44:14Take that.
00:44:17I'm going to wear this.
00:44:18I'm going to wear this.
00:44:19Now it's even more dirty.
00:44:21It's more dirty now.
00:44:22Hooray!
00:44:28When am I going to clean these?
00:44:31Do you have a place?
00:44:34Okay, you know what?
00:44:35Thank you.
00:44:37We'll talk.
00:44:38The guy shows her the beauty of her own soul through sexuality,
00:44:41and then she defeats the killer.
00:44:44Well, I'm not sure how to fit that into a teenage slasher film,
00:44:47but I like the challenge.
00:44:48Let me get cracking on it.
00:44:51Don't shoot the dinosaur.
00:44:52He's on your side.
00:44:53What are you guys doing?
00:44:54We're working on a video game based on the film.
00:44:56Yeah, it's really going to boost our profits on this one.
00:44:58Peter came up with it all by himself.
00:45:02The goal of the game is to build up your empire
00:45:04and kill as many sluts and douchebags that get in your way.
00:45:08Once you reach the higher levels, you meet a virgin with special powers.
00:45:12Every time you see a slut, you can kill her and get the points.
00:45:17Sometimes I'll have to shoot her in the boobs or crotch area.
00:45:20The last one was his idea.
00:45:21Boom!
00:45:22That slut went down!
00:45:27So what do you think?
00:45:29I think it's really disturbing, and it makes me want to vomit in my mouth.
00:45:33Hey, man.
00:45:34I need you to go through the video game
00:45:35and make sure that all of the girls under their shirts,
00:45:37you can see their erect nipples.
00:45:38I need you to do that for me.
00:45:39Great idea.
00:45:40You're so smart.
00:45:41Look, the script that John and I are writing is a totally different story.
00:45:44Yeah, I know, and thank God it's a different story
00:45:46because your script sucked shit,
00:45:48and this video game is going to sell like Molly to a girl
00:45:51that doesn't talk to her parents that much, okay?
00:45:53I need you to be on nipple supervision, all right?
00:45:55You've got to go through the video game
00:45:56and make sure that every girl's nipples are erect, okay?
00:45:58We're going to go for the only demographic that matters,
00:46:00and that's teenage boys.
00:46:01Well, that's ridiculous
00:46:02because John and I are writing a great script.
00:46:04I'm sorry.
00:46:05That app is going off that I downloaded.
00:46:06It keeps going off when people say stupid shit.
00:46:08Let me fix this.
00:46:09Turn it off.
00:46:10Do you want to know what men really get off on?
00:46:12No.
00:46:13The conquest, okay?
00:46:15Look, I'm a hunter.
00:46:16We're hunters.
00:46:17We're men.
00:46:18I'm a man.
00:46:19I'm a hunter, okay?
00:46:20I hunted you.
00:46:21I got you.
00:46:22I found you.
00:46:23I kept you for a little bit,
00:46:24and then I got bored, and then you left,
00:46:25and now I'm attracted to you again, you know?
00:46:27That's what works.
00:46:28The plan worked, okay?
00:46:29So let's just go have sex in my office.
00:46:31No.
00:46:33Everything you have is...
00:46:37Turn your fucking head.
00:46:38What's your name?
00:46:39DeMarcus.
00:46:41You're the whitest guy in the world,
00:46:42and his name's fucking DeMarcus.
00:46:44Call it, hey, I'm DeSean.
00:46:46Anyway, everything you have is because of me.
00:46:51But I want to be a writer.
00:46:53Can you just make sure you supervise all the nipples, please?
00:46:56That's what I need from you.
00:46:57That is, if you want to get a paycheck, big boobs.
00:47:04I'm going to be a writer.
00:47:07I love you.
00:47:09Mark was down there for so long.
00:47:12I wonder what he was thinking about.
00:47:14He was thinking yum, yum.
00:47:17I feel like guys who can go down on you aren't hetero enough.
00:47:20I mean, what would they rather me do when you suck on their cock?
00:47:23This guy sounds amazing.
00:47:24You can totally tell the difference
00:47:25between a guy who's into it and a guy who's not.
00:47:27I didn't even know that I liked it that much,
00:47:29but I haven't had sex with a lot of people.
00:47:32It's good if a guy's good at it.
00:47:34Otherwise, it's like sandpaper rubbing against your clitoris
00:47:37while you lay in a pool of saliva.
00:47:39Oh, well, this guy was great at it.
00:47:42I think he could write an instruction manual on tonguemanship.
00:47:45Wow.
00:47:46Did you have sex?
00:47:47I had great sex.
00:47:48I had the best sex of my life.
00:47:50You guys both had great sex, and I got nothing.
00:47:53Are you going out again?
00:47:54I don't know.
00:47:55What's the point?
00:47:56Getting head.
00:47:57The best sex of your life.
00:47:58I can't.
00:47:59I just look better with clothes on.
00:48:00I don't want him to see me naked.
00:48:02But you let him lick your naked vagina.
00:48:04I know, but that was just one tiny section down there,
00:48:07and I had clothes on.
00:48:09Plus, I work with models all day at work,
00:48:11and they're in such great shape.
00:48:12I look like crap compared to them.
00:48:14You are hot.
00:48:16I don't know.
00:48:17Maybe he's too nice.
00:48:19I'd take nice over mean any day.
00:48:21Yeah, or commitment phobic.
00:48:24Let's make a pact to be with good guys only,
00:48:27guys who treat us great like we deserve.
00:48:30Yeah, good guy pact.
00:48:33Mark is so handsome.
00:48:35There must be something wrong with him.
00:48:37Or maybe I just don't know how to be with someone who's so sexually giving,
00:48:40which means I like jerks,
00:48:42which also means I can't be in the good guy pact.
00:48:44I'm going to light a candle for you and Mark.
00:48:46Me too.
00:48:47Okay.
00:48:48Don't forget the pact.
00:48:49Good guys only.
00:48:51Maybe sometimes a jerk?
00:48:52No.
00:48:53No?
00:48:54Jerk sex?
00:48:55No jerk sex.
00:49:06Oh, hey.
00:49:08Thank you for sending me your script,
00:49:11The Red Flow.
00:49:12I thought it was hilarious.
00:49:14You read it?
00:49:15I loved it.
00:49:16Yeah, but will it ever be made?
00:49:17A movie about a girl getting her period.
00:49:19Why not?
00:49:21You know, I really want to write a script about my new friends.
00:49:24They're like these modern day witches.
00:49:26They're really inspiring.
00:49:27Yes, witches grow power.
00:49:29Do it.
00:49:31Have you heard about this video game that Peter is doing?
00:49:34It is so wild.
00:49:35Yeah, I heard about it.
00:49:36I wish I could destroy the computers
00:49:38or make my own video game called Sluts Fight Back.
00:49:42I love that.
00:49:44Sluts Fight Back.
00:49:45If I was technological, I would just put a virus in the whole system
00:49:47and I would shut it down.
00:49:49Yeah.
00:49:52Well, it's funny that you say that
00:49:54because I happen to be technological.
00:50:09What are you doing?
00:50:12Technological stuff.
00:50:14We could be fired.
00:50:16Not if no one finds out.
00:50:31You're a genius.
00:50:32Yeah, you know what?
00:50:33I am a freaking genius.
00:50:34That was awesome.
00:50:36You're so awesome.
00:50:39What do you do now?
00:50:40Do you want to grab something to eat?
00:50:42Oh, I have plans.
00:50:44This may or may not change your mind,
00:50:45but aside from being a genius and a technological wizard,
00:50:48I'm also a really great rapper.
00:50:52Nice.
00:50:53Yeah, I'd love to show you some of my hip-hop stuff.
00:50:55Okay.
00:50:56You ready for this?
00:50:57Yeah.
00:50:58You sure?
00:50:59I think so.
00:51:02You're so ambitious.
00:51:05Your soul is sweet and superstitious.
00:51:07Your eyes, your lips, your heart,
00:51:11they're breaking records and the dishes.
00:51:22This goes on for like four minutes.
00:51:25Wow.
00:51:26Don't give up your day job.
00:51:27Come on.
00:51:28No, it was great.
00:51:29I loved it.
00:51:30I just wanted to do it.
00:51:31It was brave.
00:51:32I had an instinct.
00:51:33You got the technology smarts.
00:51:34Thanks, yo.
00:51:35Word to your mother.
00:51:36Word to your mother.
00:51:37Tell your mother I said word.
00:51:38See you Monday.
00:51:39Bye.
00:51:41Thanks for giving me this dress.
00:51:42Ditto.
00:51:43Oh, God.
00:51:44Okay.
00:51:45Okay, I don't know.
00:51:46Maybe we shouldn't go.
00:51:47How do I look?
00:51:48You look hot.
00:51:49You look so hot I want to have sex with you.
00:51:50Okay, no.
00:51:51No.
00:51:52Oh, no.
00:51:53Okay.
00:51:54Stop it.
00:51:55Stop it.
00:51:56I really want to have sex with you.
00:51:57Oh, my God.
00:51:58You guys are weird.
00:51:59Okay.
00:52:00Come on.
00:52:01I can't do this alone.
00:52:02Come on.
00:52:03Great shoes.
00:52:04Does Darren have a daughter?
00:52:05No.
00:52:06No.
00:52:07No.
00:52:08No.
00:52:09No.
00:52:10No.
00:52:11That's his new girlfriend.
00:52:12Oh, holy shit.
00:52:13Is that you?
00:52:14Holy shit.
00:52:15Is that me?
00:52:16Oh, my God.
00:52:17Not entirely accurate.
00:52:18Okay.
00:52:19It's not 1984 down there.
00:52:20Oh, I prefer a full bush.
00:52:21Really?
00:52:22Mm-hmm.
00:52:23Hey.
00:52:24Hi.
00:52:25Oh, my God.
00:52:26Oh, my God.
00:52:27Oh, my God.
00:52:28Oh, my God.
00:52:29Oh, my God.
00:52:30Oh, my God.
00:52:31Oh, my God.
00:52:32Oh, my God.
00:52:33Oh, my God.
00:52:34Oh, my God.
00:52:35Oh, my God.
00:52:36Oh, my God.
00:52:37Oh, my God.
00:52:38Oh, my God.
00:52:39Oh, my God.
00:52:40Hi.
00:52:41Oh.
00:52:42Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
00:52:43Congratulations.
00:52:44Thanks.
00:52:45Oh, so everybody's here?
00:52:46The Times is here?
00:52:47Oh.
00:52:48LA Weekly?
00:52:49Yeah.
00:52:50Wow.
00:52:51Well, your new art is really amazing and interesting.
00:52:55There's a lot happening.
00:52:58It's powerful stuff.
00:53:00With all of it.
00:53:01I didn't get your smile exactly right, but, yeah, it's still great.
00:53:05Hey, let's have dinner on Saturday, huh?
00:53:08Really?
00:53:09Yeah.
00:53:10Okay.
00:53:11Yeah.
00:53:12Great.
00:53:13Thanks to you.
00:53:14Okay.
00:53:15Okay.
00:53:16Yeah, I got to go talk to somebody.
00:53:17Oh, okay, sure.
00:53:18You're busy.
00:53:19Why is he wearing that weird hat?
00:53:32Somebody fucked with our system.
00:53:34I can't get this image off the screen.
00:53:36I thought we were on a closed network.
00:53:37Someone hacked into a program.
00:53:39Someone with a password.
00:53:41Peter, not to point fingers or anything.
00:53:44Yeah, okay.
00:53:45I'm way ahead of you.
00:53:46You're not a fucking detective, all right?
00:53:48Did you do this?
00:53:49I can't even figure out how to download the software updates on my computer.
00:53:52That's true.
00:53:53She can't fucking download the software updates on her computer.
00:53:55What's your name, Daryl?
00:53:56Demarcus.
00:53:57Demarcus?
00:53:58You're fired, dude.
00:53:59Come on, man.
00:54:00You're fired, and I'm going to get a new nerd to make this system that you can't fuck with it.
00:54:04Hey, you're the guy who has password as his password, man.
00:54:07Well, why don't you fucking broadcast it on Twitter, man?
00:54:09You're not supposed to tell people my password.
00:54:11I have to change it.
00:54:12I can do the password.
00:54:13You don't need to do it.
00:54:14I'll do it.
00:54:15I'm going to change it.
00:54:16Shit.
00:54:17Oh, come on, man.
00:54:18That sucks.
00:54:20See you guys later.
00:54:30Babe?
00:54:32You haven't returned any of my calls.
00:54:36I've been thinking about what you said.
00:54:39Can you please let me in?
00:54:42I really need to talk to you.
00:54:44What do you want?
00:54:45Can you please let me in?
00:54:47Tell me what you want.
00:54:50Please?
00:54:54Look, I don't know.
00:54:56This is really hard for me to say.
00:54:58What?
00:55:01I really liked how you bossed me around.
00:55:05You know, I didn't think I would, but...
00:55:09It kind of turned me on.
00:55:11Are you serious?
00:55:13Yeah, is that really weird?
00:55:15Yeah, kind of.
00:55:18Can you boss me around some more?
00:55:24Really?
00:55:25Yeah.
00:55:31Okay.
00:55:40Give me ten minutes.
00:55:56I want you to do my laundry.
00:55:59Now!
00:56:02And clean my apartment.
00:56:06And then I want you to lick it!
00:56:08All right.
00:56:09Crawl!
00:56:23Eva.
00:56:24Hey.
00:56:25Hi.
00:56:27How are you?
00:56:28I'm good.
00:56:30Welcome to my restaurant.
00:56:32This place is incredible.
00:56:33Thank you, it's true.
00:56:38Rebecca got sick and couldn't find a sitter, so...
00:56:42I have to introduce you to my daughters.
00:56:44Mary, Melinda.
00:56:46This is Eva.
00:56:47Hi.
00:56:48I like your outfit.
00:56:49Thank you.
00:56:50I make dresses.
00:56:52I make princess dresses.
00:56:54I could make you a princess dress.
00:56:55Would you like that?
00:56:56Yeah.
00:56:57Can I have a dress?
00:56:58Absolutely, sweetie.
00:56:59Yes!
00:57:01What if you guys come back to my house after dinner?
00:57:04I have lots of dresses.
00:57:06We could play dress up.
00:57:07I kind of want to hang out with these princesses.
00:57:09They're pretty cool.
00:57:13I'm having a food orgasm right now.
00:57:16Oh, yeah?
00:57:17Oh, yeah.
00:57:18I am.
00:57:19What's an orgasm?
00:57:20Oh, oops.
00:57:21Um, it's, uh...
00:57:23It's happiness?
00:57:25Hey!
00:57:26Right?
00:57:27How about some music?
00:57:28You guys look beautiful.
00:57:29Let's do a fashion show.
00:57:31Oh, that sounds fun.
00:57:32Right, girls?
00:57:33Yeah.
00:57:34We're going to have a little catwalk.
00:57:35What do you say?
00:57:36Yes!
00:57:37Okay.
00:57:40Ready?
00:57:41Here we go.
00:57:53Go, big sister.
00:57:58Go do your thing.
00:57:59Oh, goodness.
00:58:00Oh, my goodness.
00:58:03Oh, I don't think I need to do that.
00:58:05Oh, I think you need to.
00:58:06What is that?
00:58:07That's like a violent shark.
00:58:16Let's go.
00:58:17Let's do this.
00:58:19Freestyle.
00:58:20I'm a kitty cat.
00:58:23I'm a kitty on a catwalk.
00:58:24What?
00:58:27What?
00:58:38Coming.
00:58:52Hello.
00:58:53Hi, it's me.
00:58:55Hi.
00:58:56Hey, what are you doing?
00:58:57Look, I'm just having a few people over, yeah?
00:59:00Do you want to come by?
00:59:03Yeah.
00:59:04Yeah, all right.
00:59:05Okay, see you soon.
00:59:11Hot.
00:59:18Yeah.
00:59:27In for the next round, yeah?
00:59:28Yeah, I know you want one.
00:59:37It's so good to see you.
00:59:38I'm so glad you called.
00:59:40You want a bump?
00:59:41Oh, I'm sorry.
00:59:42I don't do drugs.
00:59:43I'm on lightweight.
00:59:46Glad you want to dance, yeah?
00:59:48Yeah.
00:59:52Hey, I talked too much of this tonight.
00:59:54You want some?
00:59:55Oh, thank you.
00:59:56Yeah.
00:59:57Hey.
00:59:58What up?
01:00:05I've been thinking about you a lot.
01:00:07You have?
01:00:08Why haven't you called?
01:00:10Well, look in my eyes.
01:00:11Tell me what I'm thinking.
01:00:13I don't know.
01:00:14No, no.
01:00:18Talk to me.
01:00:19How do you feel?
01:00:21I like you.
01:00:22You do?
01:00:23Yeah, huh?
01:00:25I love you.
01:00:28I love you, yeah?
01:00:30Don't you know that, yeah?
01:00:31Can't you tell?
01:00:33Sometimes I can't talk unless I'm wasted, yeah?
01:00:35I get scared.
01:00:37I'm gonna talk to you now, yeah?
01:00:39I love you.
01:00:42I love you.
01:00:44Do you see it in my eyes, yeah?
01:00:45Can you feel it?
01:00:46I love you.
01:00:48I love you.
01:00:49I love you.
01:00:51I love you.
01:00:52I love you.
01:00:57I love you.
01:00:58I love you.
01:00:59I love you.
01:01:00I love you.
01:01:01I love you.
01:01:12My heart's beating really fast.
01:01:15Have you got Valium?
01:01:16No.
01:01:18What's that next?
01:01:20Michael?
01:01:21No.
01:01:24Look, it's alright.
01:01:25I'll just talk to my heart, yeah?
01:01:27Look, I'll make it come down, yeah?
01:01:29Do you want me to turn the music up?
01:01:30No, no, no, it's fine.
01:01:31I can...
01:01:32I can do it, yeah?
01:01:33I can make it...
01:01:34make it calm down.
01:01:38Do you know how to fax?
01:01:39Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:01:40Babe, I'm sorry.
01:01:41That hurts, yeah?
01:01:46I never felt that way before.
01:01:48The way you made me feel.
01:01:51Sex was beautiful.
01:01:53I didn't have to feel bad about it.
01:01:54Okay.
01:01:56I felt really good about myself.
01:01:59Well, that's great, babe, but...
01:02:01I don't think I can have sex right now.
01:02:03Oh, God, I hope I don't have to go to the emergency room again.
01:02:07Oh, my God.
01:02:10And then I made him lick it.
01:02:11And he did the whole alphabet.
01:02:13For 45 minutes, I looked at the clock.
01:02:14What?
01:02:15Oh, my God.
01:02:16I know.
01:02:17And then I made him do my laundry.
01:02:19Now I have the power.
01:02:22Did you ask him if he's seeing the other girls?
01:02:24Oh, no, I forgot.
01:02:28Well, maybe your power isn't very powerful
01:02:30because you got him off and he didn't get what you wanted.
01:02:32My power's very powerful.
01:02:35Why do you ask for what you want?
01:02:37I try to talk to him, but it's like...
01:02:42Nothing comes out.
01:02:44What is wrong with me?
01:02:46I mean, I can talk to you guys, but I cannot talk to him.
01:02:49It's like when I'm around him, I just...
01:02:51It makes me so nervous that I'm not myself.
01:02:53I'm like a unicorn.
01:02:55Everyone knows you can't see a unicorn unless you believe in them.
01:03:00It's like you can't see how magic I really am.
01:03:06Everyone can see it.
01:03:07It's super obvious.
01:03:08Yeah.
01:03:13What if I ask him for what I want?
01:03:17He leaves me.
01:03:19You should try.
01:03:21Sometimes I don't even know what I want.
01:03:23I think you're being too hard on yourself.
01:03:27Okay, what candle did you bring?
01:03:30The white candle.
01:03:33For healing.
01:03:34Okay.
01:03:36We all say,
01:03:37I wish to remove anything negative from my life.
01:03:41I wish to remove anything negative from my life.
01:03:45And so motivate...
01:03:52...me.
01:03:58Oh, and I wish for a unicorn.
01:04:02Are you dating other women?
01:04:04Why are you talking in that weird voice?
01:04:06I'm trying to sound powerful.
01:04:07I thought that's what turned you on last time.
01:04:09Well, yeah.
01:04:10It turned me on that you asked for what you wanted.
01:04:12I just never knew what you were thinking before
01:04:14because you just always agreed with everything I said.
01:04:16Well, I don't agree with a lot of things you say.
01:04:18Maybe listen to me for once.
01:04:19Okay.
01:04:21Stop dating other women.
01:04:22Are you dating other women?
01:04:24Well, there are two other women that I sometimes see.
01:04:29Pick me and only me.
01:04:32I'll think about it.
01:04:35And then she uncovers her true erotic nature
01:04:37and defeats the killer inside herself,
01:04:39which is really her own self-limiting beliefs.
01:04:42Wow, that sounds like a real blockbuster.
01:04:44Well, actually, I do think it has potential to be a real blockbuster
01:04:47because what we've done here is
01:04:48we've satisfied the demands of the genre
01:04:50while also creating something truly original.
01:04:54Oh, sorry, man.
01:04:55I almost fell asleep with what you're saying
01:04:56because it's boring as shit.
01:04:58Hey, do you want to have sex in the bathroom
01:04:59or do you want to reject me like my own mother did, huh?
01:05:01Why did you break up with me, huh?
01:05:03Why did you break up with me
01:05:04when all I wanted to do was love you and mentor you
01:05:06and help you achieve your true potential?
01:05:08I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
01:05:09I hate that you're not into me.
01:05:10It makes me so much more attracted to you,
01:05:12all when I thought you were desperate and too old
01:05:13to bear children without birth defects.
01:05:15Oh, that's so out of line.
01:05:17I'm so relieved that you find me attractive,
01:05:19but when can Linda read the script that we wrote?
01:05:21I don't want you speaking directly to Linda anymore, okay?
01:05:24And here's another piece of advice for you.
01:05:26Your boobs are too big, okay?
01:05:28They're too big and they're flopping around
01:05:29and they make you look like a bimbo, all right?
01:05:31And you look like a dummy.
01:05:32That's why your directing career
01:05:33hasn't gotten off the ground yet
01:05:35because you look like a big, booby dummy.
01:05:37Well, that's great advice.
01:05:38Should I cut my boobs off so I can seem smarter?
01:05:40No, you shouldn't cut your boobs off, okay?
01:05:42But what you could do is
01:05:43you could mash them down a little bit.
01:05:45You know what you could do?
01:05:46You could Saran Wrap them, okay?
01:05:49I do it to my dick when I'm on vacation in France.
01:05:51I got a big dick and it fucking goes right here
01:05:53and I tape it here.
01:05:58My bodacious ta-tas honor me and they honor you.
01:06:02Should I be taking notes on some of the stuff
01:06:04for the sexual harassment lawsuit we're all going to?
01:06:06Hey, don't make me load my emotional gun, okay, dude?
01:06:10Because I'm one step away
01:06:11from loading this emotional gun, dude.
01:06:13Cool.
01:06:16That dress looks so great on you.
01:06:19Why are you going out with Darren again?
01:06:21You should be going out with a licker.
01:06:23I mean, there's no contest.
01:06:24You either get licked or you don't.
01:06:26I was married to Darren for 14 years.
01:06:29I have to give him another chance.
01:06:31Yeah, you don't want him to miss out
01:06:33on another chance of not going down on you again.
01:06:36Okay, I just texted Mark and I made a date tonight,
01:06:3810 p.m., butchers and barbers.
01:06:39Oh, no, no, no!
01:06:40And then I said,
01:06:41will you lick me all over after?
01:06:42No!
01:06:43No, I didn't say that.
01:06:44You have to act a good guy, Patch.
01:06:45Give it to me!
01:06:47Patch!
01:07:00Hi, babe.
01:07:01Hey.
01:07:02Good to see you.
01:07:03Yeah.
01:07:04I'm glad you're feeling better.
01:07:08Hey, I'm Honey.
01:07:09And I'm Candy.
01:07:11Oh.
01:07:12All kinds of laws and just cool.
01:07:14I thought it was just going to be us tonight.
01:07:15Yeah, oh, of course, of course.
01:07:17I can take it from here.
01:07:20Don't fuck with her.
01:07:21Okay, so it's time to go.
01:07:24I'll talk to you guys later.
01:07:26Let's go.
01:07:27Don't forget your date tonight at 10.
01:07:32You have a date?
01:07:33Tonight?
01:07:34Yes.
01:07:35She has a date.
01:07:38With who?
01:07:40Not helping.
01:07:42Okay, come on.
01:07:45So,
01:07:47I don't care, but who are you dating?
01:07:49Uh, I'm not.
01:07:51I don't care.
01:07:52Okay, well, I might see Mark later,
01:07:54because I just, you know, ran into him the other day.
01:07:57You're dating my friend, Mark.
01:07:58No, I'm not dating him.
01:07:59I said I don't care.
01:08:00We hung out a little bit.
01:08:02I don't care.
01:08:03Okay.
01:08:04Don't care.
01:08:07Did you fuck Mark?
01:08:08What?
01:08:09No.
01:08:10I mean, come on.
01:08:12Yes, I did.
01:08:13Oh, my God.
01:08:14Oh, my God.
01:08:15It's none of your business.
01:08:16You fucked my friend.
01:08:17How could you?
01:08:18You fucked my friend.
01:08:19Of course that's my business.
01:08:20Forget it.
01:08:21Forget I mentioned it.
01:08:22How could I forget that?
01:08:23He's my friend.
01:08:24We go on vacations together.
01:08:25We went biking in Tuscany.
01:08:26That was a horrible trip.
01:08:27Just forget it, okay?
01:08:28I don't care about Mark.
01:08:29I love you.
01:08:30I love you, honey.
01:08:31I love you.
01:08:32Okay?
01:08:36Where do you want to go?
01:08:38I don't care.
01:08:39Where do you want to go?
01:08:40We're going to Butchers and Barbers.
01:08:41No, we are not.
01:08:42Get in.
01:08:43Stop it.
01:08:44Don't be a child.
01:08:45That's exactly what we're doing.
01:08:46Do not be a child.
01:08:47Yes, you are.
01:08:48I'm being an extremely angry adult.
01:08:49All right.
01:08:50That's a huge difference.
01:08:51Get it out of here because we're not going there.
01:08:52Are you going to open my door?
01:08:53Of course not.
01:08:54Thank you.
01:08:55Oh, Mark?
01:08:56Darren?
01:08:57Mark?
01:08:58Darren?
01:08:59Darren?
01:09:00I always knew you wanted to fuck my wife.
01:09:01Oh, we're there.
01:09:02How are you?
01:09:03Good.
01:09:04How are you?
01:09:05Good.
01:09:06How are you?
01:09:07We're there.
01:09:08You're right.
01:09:09Oh, God.
01:09:10Deny it at least.
01:09:11At least deny it for appearances.
01:09:12For crying out loud.
01:09:13Guess what?
01:09:14Is this expensive?
01:09:15Mark, oh my God.
01:09:16How do you like me now?
01:09:17Huh?
01:09:18Stop it.
01:09:19Huh?
01:09:20Really?
01:09:21Yeah.
01:09:22Yeah, really.
01:09:23Stop it.
01:09:24Chin kicks.
01:09:25Yeah.
01:09:26Stop it.
01:09:27Do you know I took Kung Fu?
01:09:28Okay.
01:09:29Huh?
01:09:30He took like two karate classes.
01:09:31Oh my God.
01:09:32Oh.
01:09:33Oh.
01:09:34Oh.
01:09:35Oh.
01:09:36Oh.
01:09:37Oh my God, Darren.
01:09:38Stop it.
01:09:39He drank a Red Bull in the car.
01:09:40He's really sensitive to caffeine.
01:09:41He drank a Red Bull in the car.
01:09:42Oh, wow.
01:09:43Big man, huh?
01:09:44Settle down.
01:09:45Big man with a restaurant and a washed pork face.
01:09:46Sensei Doug would be horrified.
01:09:47Guess what?
01:09:48Ask her who she wants.
01:09:49Oh, I'm not doing that.
01:09:50No, no.
01:09:51Ask her who she wants.
01:09:52Who do you want?
01:09:53I am not going to answer that.
01:09:54You have to choose.
01:09:55This or Thor.
01:09:56Oh, I'm not doing that.
01:09:57No, no.
01:09:58Ask her who she wants.
01:09:59Who do you want?
01:10:00I am not going to answer that.
01:10:01You have to choose.
01:10:02This or Thor.
01:10:03Oh, I'm not doing that.
01:10:05This or Thor.
01:10:22You came.
01:10:23I'm glad you called me back.
01:10:26I missed you.
01:10:28You look really beautiful.
01:10:29Thank you.
01:10:31Have you thought more about monogamy?
01:10:35You really love that word.
01:10:37Can we talk about that later?
01:10:38I mean, this is a really important party.
01:10:40I want to talk about it now.
01:10:43Honestly.
01:10:46That's Steve Evans.
01:10:48That's the guy that picks all the TED speakers.
01:10:51I got to talk to him.
01:10:52Now?
01:10:53Yeah, come on.
01:11:02Steve.
01:11:03Hey, how are you, man?
01:11:05Daniel Peters.
01:11:06From the e-mails.
01:11:07From the e-mails.
01:11:08Yeah.
01:11:10Great.
01:11:11We got to get together, man.
01:11:12You know?
01:11:15Oh, this is Candy.
01:11:16Hi.
01:11:18Hey.
01:11:19Is this your girlfriend?
01:11:20No.
01:11:21I'm a free agent.
01:11:22I'm interested in making lots of sexual connections
01:11:24because I can't be tied down by monogamy.
01:11:27Really?
01:11:29Interesting.
01:11:31What do you do, Candy?
01:11:33I study the significance of ritual
01:11:37and also I hate monogamy.
01:11:40Give me some casual sex, please.
01:11:42Me too.
01:11:44Yeah, that's great.
01:11:46Daniel, you have fascinating friends.
01:11:49Well, I should.
01:11:50It's more than a friend.
01:11:52I would love to learn more about this.
01:11:54Could I get your number?
01:11:56Sure, Steve.
01:11:59It's good.
01:12:00I got my phone.
01:12:01I got my phone.
01:12:02Why don't you just type it in yourself?
01:12:05And is it Candy with an I or what?
01:12:06With a Y.
01:12:07Oh, why not?
01:12:09Why would it be with an I, you know?
01:12:12You guys are all handsome guys.
01:12:13You know what I'm talking about.
01:12:14That's a fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle.
01:12:15You know how many girls I've had sex with?
01:12:1721.
01:12:18And I'm only 35.
01:12:19And I've eaten 12 pussies.
01:12:20Most of them on the girls I fuck.
01:12:22Hey.
01:12:23Hey.
01:12:25I got your text.
01:12:26One second, guys.
01:12:27I'll be right back.
01:12:28Follow me.
01:12:29I got to piss out of my cock.
01:12:30Did Linda read my scripts?
01:12:31Uh, yeah.
01:12:32She agreed with a few things about it.
01:12:33So, uh, I got rid of her.
01:12:35You got rid of her?
01:12:37Yeah.
01:12:38And, uh, turns out I got some new financiers for the movie.
01:12:40So it doesn't matter what Linda thinks.
01:12:43Oh, plus.
01:12:44You're fired.
01:12:47Well, great, because I quit.
01:12:48And I have to write my own movie about a woman having a religious orgasm.
01:12:52And no one stabs her in the ass.
01:12:54Well, first of all, you can't quit after I fire you.
01:12:56A person can be smart and have big boobs.
01:12:58And people are going to watch my movie.
01:13:00And people are going to love it.
01:13:03No one respects you big boobs.
01:13:05I think.
01:13:08You know, I used to want to be you.
01:13:11But all success in the world doesn't make you happy, does it?
01:13:17I have friends.
01:13:18And you don't have any friends.
01:13:19And I'm happy.
01:13:23Yeah, I guess you know what?
01:13:24Maybe I'm not so happy in my life.
01:13:26Maybe if we had sex in this bathroom, I might be happy about that.
01:13:28So why don't you get on your knees, baby?
01:13:31Fuck you.
01:13:47Sorry you didn't come.
01:13:51You know what I love about you?
01:13:53You know what I love about you?
01:13:56You're so comforting, you know?
01:13:58Here's the thing.
01:14:00Sex dies in every relationship.
01:14:05So maybe we should be together.
01:14:07What?
01:14:08I'm losing my passion for Chandra, you know?
01:14:11You know, I just don't want anyone to get hurt.
01:14:13Oh my God.
01:14:14Chandra broke up with you.
01:14:15That's why you're here.
01:14:16No, she's following one direction for a little while.
01:14:18Oh, perfect.
01:14:20That's so perfect.
01:14:21I know.
01:14:22I'm a cliche.
01:14:24The handsome guy runs off with a younger, hot, sexy, fit, tight little girl.
01:14:30And then he gets bored and he wants to come running home to mommy.
01:14:38Mommy?
01:14:39I'm not your mommy, okay?
01:14:41Okay, you don't understand.
01:14:42Here's the thing.
01:14:43I'm saving my sexual energy for my art.
01:14:48Here's the thing.
01:14:49Here's the thing.
01:14:50Here's the thing.
01:14:51I think maybe sex doesn't die for everyone.
01:14:53It just has died for you and your weird dick.
01:14:56And Mark couldn't wait to go down on me.
01:14:58He fucking left going down and I loved it.
01:15:00Ew, ew, ew.
01:15:01Oh, no.
01:15:02First of all, ew.
01:15:03Ew.
01:15:04Ew.
01:15:05You asked him to go down on you?
01:15:06No, I didn't ask him.
01:15:07He asked me.
01:15:08He begged me.
01:15:09Oh my God.
01:15:10What an asshole.
01:15:11That's what he said.
01:15:12Stop.
01:15:13Stop.
01:15:14Stop it.
01:15:15He said I had a beautiful butthole.
01:15:16Ha ha.
01:15:17You're a liar.
01:15:18No, thank you.
01:15:21What?
01:15:29Are you a drug addict?
01:15:31Why would you ask that?
01:15:33No reason.
01:15:37No, look, that's just a piece of art, yeah?
01:15:40It's a piece of art about a feeling, you know?
01:15:43Just a feeling some people make me feel.
01:15:46So there's a lot of other people who think you're a drug addict?
01:15:49No, I just like to party and have a good time is all.
01:15:52Yeah.
01:15:53Who else thinks you're a drug addict?
01:15:55Look, just my stupid family.
01:15:58Your family?
01:15:59Yeah, look, just because they give me money, it makes them think they got the right to judge me, yeah?
01:16:04Look, come on, let's get some food.
01:16:07Why does your family think you're a drug addict?
01:16:10Oh, freedom, yeah?
01:16:13I'm free from family shackles.
01:16:16Stop doing drugs.
01:16:18Stop doing drugs and I'll help you.
01:16:25I love you.
01:16:29Yeah, I love you so much.
01:16:32And I've been thinking, yeah, I've got to get out of the city for a while.
01:16:37Because sometimes a man, he needs to go and walk about.
01:16:40Yeah, I've got this big mountain to climb, yeah?
01:16:43A man, he needs to be able to climb these mountains.
01:16:46Do you understand?
01:16:47Not really. Are you talking about real mountains or...
01:16:49Look, I'm talking about the mountains that only a real man could climb, yeah?
01:16:52Because that's me, I'm a man.
01:16:57Can I come with you?
01:16:59No.
01:17:00No, I've got wars to fight, you see.
01:17:04Hey, maybe we'll reunite, yeah?
01:17:06You know, like five years.
01:17:08Five years?
01:17:11Come on, look at my eyes.
01:17:14What am I thinking?
01:17:16I don't know.
01:17:18Can two people ever really be together?
01:17:21Once they're together, can they ever be apart?
01:17:24These feelings, they'll always exist inside us.
01:17:30Maybe I'll come back for you one day.
01:17:33But maybe not.
01:17:36And remember, I left you better than I found you.
01:17:46I left you better than I found you?
01:17:48And then you went off to climb mountains.
01:17:50Probably mountains of cocaine.
01:17:52How could I have the amazing sex again?
01:17:54I think he was the one.
01:17:56No, he's not the one.
01:17:58You're the one.
01:17:59You're the only one that matters.
01:18:02These candles are dangerous.
01:18:04And they don't work.
01:18:05Let's do a spell for the power to make our dreams come true.
01:18:07We don't have power.
01:18:09We have low self-esteem.
01:18:10Okay, don't say that.
01:18:12Ah, the candles, ah!
01:18:14Stop it.
01:18:15Only a stupid idiot would believe in a magic candle.
01:18:17I believe in them.
01:18:18It's because you live in a fantasy world.
01:18:20What is going on?
01:18:21Look, I paid a lot of money for your candles,
01:18:23and I'm going to sue you for false advertising.
01:18:25Bought them from a candle employee.
01:18:26They're not magic.
01:18:27I hate the candles.
01:18:28No!
01:18:29Whoa, calm down.
01:18:30You guys all have your periods, right?
01:18:31That's it.
01:18:32The candles suck.
01:18:33I, you know, this is your friend.
01:18:34You are fired.
01:18:35Ah, I quit.
01:18:36She's not my friend.
01:18:38Because I'm not friends with people that think I'm stupid.
01:18:42And we're not in our periods!
01:18:47I mean, to be fair, I am on my period.
01:18:50It's towards the end of my cycle.
01:18:54It's only a matter of time for the rest of them, right?
01:18:55Would you just stop?
01:18:56Okay.
01:19:12Hmm?
01:19:30You okay?
01:19:32Not really.
01:19:33You know what?
01:19:35Screw this place.
01:19:39Hey.
01:19:41Working with you has been the best part of my job.
01:19:47You know, I wanted to be the voice of modern feminism,
01:19:49but I'm a loser.
01:19:51And I don't think my friends will ever talk to me again
01:19:54because I took a big crap on them,
01:19:55and then I crapped in front of them.
01:19:58I took an emotional shit.
01:20:00Everything's going to be okay.
01:20:01I believe in you, yo.
01:20:03And you do have a feminist voice.
01:20:05You're the full package.
01:20:07I think you're a package and a half.
01:20:10I'm a package and a half?
01:20:11Yeah.
01:20:12I'd even go so far as saying you're two packages.
01:20:15That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.
01:20:17It's the nicest thing I've ever said.
01:20:21Huh.
01:20:35Ah!
01:20:36Hello, I'm looking for the special unicorn lady
01:20:38who lives in this apartment.
01:20:39And is very magical?
01:20:41Leave me alone.
01:20:43I'm living in my fantasy world.
01:20:46I'm sorry I was a jerk.
01:20:48I really miss you.
01:20:52Wow.
01:20:54I can't believe I did this.
01:20:56Thanks.
01:20:57Don't thank me.
01:20:58It's the candles.
01:20:59They really work.
01:21:00Stop making fun of me.
01:21:01I'm not.
01:21:02My life was depressing without your magic spells.
01:21:05Thank you.
01:21:06It's true.
01:21:07Listen, I have a great idea.
01:21:08What's up?
01:21:09Where are the clothes?
01:21:11I have to go now.
01:21:12I can't wait.
01:21:13Thank you.
01:21:14All right.
01:21:15The factory in Jakarta is running behind.
01:21:19Can we sell the magical candles in your store
01:21:20and use the profits to pay Candy's rent?
01:21:23I don't know.
01:21:24Maybe I have too much low self-esteem.
01:21:27I'm sorry that I projectile-vomited
01:21:28my low self-esteem onto you
01:21:29and I promise to swallow it back down next time.
01:21:31Ew.
01:21:33That is the grossest analogy.
01:21:35Yes.
01:21:36You can sell candles here.
01:21:38Thank you.
01:21:40You guys look really cute.
01:21:42We're witches.
01:21:43Oh, I thought you were like mean cowgirls.
01:21:46Witches.
01:21:47It's better.
01:21:48It's better.
01:21:49Come see.
01:21:50We'll set up over here.
01:21:52A lot of people are going to tell you
01:21:53you can't do things in real life
01:21:54and I'm here to tell you
01:21:55that you can believe in yourself
01:21:57and remember how amazing you really are.
01:22:01We sold so many.
01:22:03Wow, witches are like the new vampires.
01:22:05It's shocking how many people
01:22:06are buying these things.
01:22:08Two children's dresses we made came in.
01:22:11What do you want to do with them?
01:22:13Oh.
01:22:14What's happening with Mark?
01:22:16We broke up.
01:22:17I forgot the good guy packs
01:22:18and I chose Darren
01:22:20and I really regret it.
01:22:22You've got to give those little girls their dresses.
01:22:24I'm pretty sure he never wants to see me again.
01:22:27Fine.
01:22:28What do you think?
01:22:29Maybe not, right?
01:22:30Oh, my God.
01:22:31Look.
01:22:32Geez.
01:22:33All right.
01:22:34Okay.
01:22:41He didn't come.
01:22:42So, there you go.
01:22:44Not home, right?
01:22:45Oh, God.
01:22:48Hi.
01:22:49How are you?
01:22:50Um.
01:22:51I'm fine.
01:22:52I'm fine.
01:22:53I'm fine.
01:22:54I'm fine.
01:22:55I'm fine.
01:22:57I know you probably don't want to see me.
01:22:59Um.
01:23:00I made dresses for your daughters.
01:23:04Nice.
01:23:05Thank you.
01:23:07I'm sorry.
01:23:09So sorry.
01:23:10I sabotaged our relationship
01:23:12and I'm sorry I treated you so badly
01:23:15when you're just like the greatest guy.
01:23:18You know, thanks for saying that,
01:23:20but, uh,
01:23:21I don't think we should see each other anymore.
01:23:26Um.
01:23:27For what it's worth, I broke up with Darren.
01:23:30For good.
01:23:32It's just...
01:23:33I don't think I liked myself enough
01:23:36to choose a good guy.
01:23:39I didn't think I deserved it.
01:23:41Eva!
01:23:42Hey, sweetie.
01:23:43Hi, Eva.
01:23:44I made you dresses.
01:23:45Yay!
01:23:46Come in.
01:23:47Come in.
01:23:48Come in.
01:23:57I like the dress.
01:23:58I'm having an orgasm.
01:24:00I'm in.
01:24:01I'm in.
01:24:06I feel it.
01:24:09I feel it.
01:24:15I feel it.
01:24:19I feel love.
01:24:23I mean, who knew getting a divorce could be so great?
01:24:26Yeah.
01:24:27What's going on with Daniel?
01:24:29Nothing! That's why we need a super powerful spell.
01:24:32I think we should call on all the elements to help us.
01:24:35Honey, are you in?
01:24:36I'm so in. In fact, I'm going to call on the elements.
01:24:38What are the elements?
01:24:39Uh, Earth.
01:24:41Okay. Earth. Earth. Okay.
01:24:43I am going to... I don't know.
01:24:45I'm going to call on the Earth and...
01:24:47Is that really dorky?
01:24:48No, no, no!
01:24:49No, it's amazing!
01:24:50I'm going to walk on it. Why not?
01:24:51Okay.
01:24:52What's up, Earth?
01:24:54Okay, what's another element?
01:24:55Uh, wind.
01:24:56Okay, okay. What about...
01:25:00Would incense count?
01:25:01Yeah!
01:25:03Sure. All right. Um...
01:25:05We call on the wind.
01:25:10Am I imagining that?
01:25:12No.
01:25:13Whoa! So cool!
01:25:14So cool!
01:25:16Okay, what about water?
01:25:17Here, drink your drinks.
01:25:23I call on water!
01:25:28Ah!
01:25:30You made a rain!
01:25:33Candles or fire?
01:25:35Purple.
01:25:36For power.
01:25:37Power to get what we want.
01:25:40Say your wishes.
01:25:42I wish to light myself.
01:25:44So might it be.
01:25:48I wish to know that I deserve the good things.
01:25:52So might it be.
01:25:56I wish for love.
01:25:58And money.
01:26:00So might it be.
01:26:02We ask the elements to help us with our heart's desires.
01:26:06This...
01:26:08For something better.
01:26:14Wow!
01:26:17If you believe in magic, then there's magic!
01:26:22Ah!
01:26:24Oh, my God!
01:26:26Oh, my God!
01:26:28Oh, my God!
01:26:30Oh, my God!
01:26:33To truly experience ecstatic sex,
01:26:35you must first fall in love with yourself.
01:26:37Look at yourself in a mirror and say,
01:26:39I love you.
01:26:42Ah!
01:26:46I love you.
01:26:50I love you.
01:26:57Now look at your yoni in a mirror
01:26:59and admire its tremendous beauty.
01:27:07I love you.
01:27:10Discover what kind of pressure you like.
01:27:12Play music.
01:27:21I pull up to the club.
01:27:23I got my flag on.
01:27:25The music playing loud.
01:27:27Got plenty money, y'all.
01:27:29I see her looking at me.
01:27:31She got a pretty smile.
01:27:33So I'ma get a drink.
01:27:36Can you help me?
01:27:38I see to the decree.
01:27:42Okay.
01:27:48Come on!
01:27:53Hail! Hail! Hail!
01:27:56And...
01:27:58Hail!
01:27:59Shut up!
01:28:06Take your shirt off.
01:28:08No, please. Please don't.
01:28:10Can I just leave it on?
01:28:12Can I? Okay.
01:28:15Um...
01:28:20I just...
01:28:21I don't want you to be disappointed.
01:28:26Aren't you? That may be the judge of that.
01:28:41You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
01:29:02See you, Jamie.
01:29:04Hi.
01:29:05Hi.
01:29:06Can I talk to you for a second?
01:29:07Okay.
01:29:08Um, I'm the old assistant who likes sluts.
01:29:10I know who you are.
01:29:11I liked your script.
01:29:12Thank you.
01:29:13So I'm not working for Peter anymore.
01:29:15Good. He's a dick.
01:29:16Yeah.
01:29:17And I wrote a new script, and I wanted to pitch it to you,
01:29:19and I was hoping that you would read it.
01:29:21How did you find me?
01:29:22Well, I, um...
01:29:23I stole Peter's contacts.
01:29:25Oh, very sneaky. I like that.
01:29:27I'm sneaky.
01:29:28I'm sneaky.
01:29:29I'm sneaky.
01:29:30I'm sneaky.
01:29:31I'm sneaky.
01:29:32I'm sneaky.
01:29:33I like that.
01:29:34I'm sneaky.
01:29:35I want to be a filmmaker.
01:29:36Really? Have you directed before?
01:29:38No, just a short.
01:29:39Hmm.
01:29:40Well, okay.
01:29:41You can walk me to my car.
01:29:42I'll give you five minutes.
01:29:43Okay.
01:29:49Are you dating Steve?
01:29:51What?
01:29:52No.
01:29:58Let's be monogamous.
01:29:59Oh!
01:30:00Let's be monogamous right now!
01:30:02Yeah!
01:30:09I am going to get the biggest Taj Mahal they got.
01:30:11Can I get a double?
01:30:12I just love your boots. They're gorgeous.
01:30:14I know, right?
01:30:16Excuse me.
01:30:17Yes?
01:30:18Are you the priest from St. Francis of Assisi?
01:30:21Yes, I used to be.
01:30:24I used to go to your church when I was a kid.
01:30:26Oh.
01:30:28Well...
01:30:29Yeah.
01:30:33Didn't you used to preach that no one should have sex
01:30:35unless it was for the purpose of procreation?
01:30:37Oh, I used to say a lot of stuff.
01:30:39Now I just do what feels good.
01:30:41And what feels good is frank.
01:30:43Mm-hmm.
01:30:44Excuse me.
01:30:45But what about people who listen to what you said
01:30:47and then they spent their lives feeling tormented?
01:30:49And what about hell?
01:30:51Sorry?
01:30:57Don't torment yourself.
01:30:59I think God wants us to be happy.
01:31:03So uncomfortable.
01:31:05Right? I know.
01:31:09I know you're going to talk at Ted one day.
01:31:11You're so great.
01:31:13I love you.
01:31:14I love you.
01:31:16Thank you.
01:31:20You know Honey got me that unicorn?
01:31:22It's so cute.
01:31:24Unicorns are lame.
01:31:29You don't like unicorns?
01:31:31You don't like unicorns?
01:31:34Eh.
01:31:35What?
01:31:36I...
01:31:38I'm not crazy about them.
01:31:41How can you not like unicorns?
01:31:44I think they're creepy.
01:31:46Creepy?
01:31:47Yes.
01:31:48Especially when they're looking over the bed.
01:31:50Look.
01:31:51A human interacting with a computer is interesting.
01:31:53But when a human interacts with a unicorn...
01:31:58Not as much.
01:31:59Unicorns are interesting.
01:32:01I just...
01:32:02I think you're a beautiful, lovely, attractive woman.
01:32:04I think you should just limit how much you talk about unicorns in front of people.
01:32:07Okay?
01:32:08I just don't want you to be uncomfortable when you meet the Ted people.
01:32:11So maybe not...
01:32:12You know, don't talk about them too much in front of everyone.
01:32:23I want to be monogamous but not with you.
01:32:26What?
01:32:27I want to date other people.
01:32:30Are you kidding?
01:32:32I'm a unicorn.
01:32:34What?
01:32:36What are you saying?
01:32:37You don't like unicorns and that's a deal breaker.
01:32:43Let's be friends.
01:32:57Bye-bye.
01:33:27You're loved.
01:33:29This feeling is always inside of you.
01:33:57Hey.
01:33:58Hey.
01:34:00What are you doing here?
01:34:02I wrote the script about the witches.
01:34:04Honey, that's incredible.
01:34:06Wow.
01:34:07That's great.
01:34:09How did you know where I live?
01:34:11I stole Peter's contacts, yo.
01:34:14You know, you're really nice to me.
01:34:16And nice is sexy.
01:34:18Nice is sexy.
01:34:19Nice is sexy.
01:34:20Nice is sexy.
01:34:22Nice is sexy.
01:34:24Nice is sexy.
01:34:25Nice is sexy.
01:34:26Nice is sexy, yo.
01:34:28I learned this because I've been nicer to myself and now I see it.
01:34:31See, I'm like a little tree.
01:34:33I need to nurture myself with some happy little thoughts.
01:34:36And that's what I did, yo.
01:34:38Blossom.
01:34:40Do you want to go on a date?
01:34:42More than ever.
01:34:47Ta-da.
01:34:49We're so proud of you.
01:34:51You're the organising champion.
01:34:53I'm the organising champion.
01:34:55I'm the masturbating champion.
01:34:57I'm not sure who I was competing against, but I'm glad I won.
01:35:00I want to light a candle for our friendship because I'm really grateful for you guys.
01:35:14I heard this music and it made me think of you.
01:35:24I'm just the one, don't you want to know a magic in real?
01:35:28In real, in real, in real.
01:35:31I'm just the one, don't you want to know a magic in real?
01:35:35In real, in real, in real.
01:35:38I'm just the one, don't you want to know a magic in real?
01:35:41In real, in real, in real.
01:35:44I'm just the one, don't you want to know a magic in real?
01:35:48In real, in real, in real.
01:35:50In real, in real, in real.
01:36:08Thank you guys.
01:36:20Masters and Johnson taught us that an orgasm was just, you know, like up, down, like quick.
01:36:45It isn't. You can train yourself to have an extended, massive orgasm. Isn't that amazing?
01:36:55Who here would like to learn how to have an extended, massive orgasm?
01:37:03Who here would like to learn how to have an earth-shattering orgasm?
01:37:15I tell my pussy that I love her. I love you, pussy. I love you. I love you so much. You're a sweet, sweet, sweet little puss.
01:37:45And all of this is true. And I will be leaving on Tuesday night.
01:37:57Just for one, don't you want to know if magic is real? It's real, it's real, it's real.
01:38:23I kiss the night. I kiss my darkness. I kiss towards the end of the day.
01:38:30A starless night, a starless darkness. A starless night in the end of day.
01:38:37Just for one, don't you want to know if magic is real? It's real, it's real, it's real.
01:38:54Just for one, just for one, don't you want to know? Just for one, just for one, don't you want to know?
01:39:09Just for one, don't you want to know if magic is real? It's real, it's real, it's real.
01:39:36Just for one, don't you want to know if magic is real? It's real, it's real, it's real.
01:39:43Just for one, don't you want to know if magic is real? It's real, it's real, it's real.
01:39:55Presenting... Pussy!