The One

  • last month
Transcript
00:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg
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01:54Three stars.
01:56Reminder, as a resident of above the line, you must eat here by end of month.
02:02Okay, we've got the Belgian long grain wheat quintuple IPA.
02:06Don't mind if I do.
02:08Creamy nose feel.
02:10Nice.
02:12And a pumpkin saffron super double triple IPA.
02:14Boom.
02:16And who is the lager in a bottle for?
02:18Oh, that's my buddy. Sorry, he's always late.
02:20I had to dig way back in the cooler for this.
02:22Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?
02:24Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:26Hey, we're both happily married.
02:28That's good.
02:30Do it.
02:32What up, bro?
02:34Hey.
02:38Stu, Pobby, Pobby, Stu.
02:40Nice to meet you, bro.
02:42Sorry I'm late.
02:44You know what? I hear you're always late.
02:46Hey. Guilty.
02:48Oh, jeez, you had it. Thank you.
02:50How do you drink that stuff?
02:52Love this stuff. Just grew up on it, you know?
02:54Lager.
02:56That's rough.
02:58Hey, so Stu, any dates this week, man?
03:00No, none this week. Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
03:02Dates?
03:04You weren't assigned at birth? Why?
03:06Oh, Stu grew up below the line.
03:08Oh, shit. Yeah, nobody below the line gets assigned, you have to date.
03:10But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.
03:12Yeah, an appetizer.
03:14Yeah, so she made a whole bunch of money.
03:16We moved above the line, but I was already 18 by then, so I still got a date.
03:18Dude, I love the unappetizer.
03:20Everybody does.
03:22I know.
03:24Steffi?
03:26Hello, Pobby. What can I do for you?
03:28Watch unappetizer.
03:30Unappetizer recommends deleting
03:32meet me, sex me, as you are now married.
03:34It also recommends deleting
03:36where see movie at, as all movies are available on me.
03:38It recommends deleting
03:40get buff quick, as you have clearly given up.
03:42Man, this is crazy.
03:44You know, the dating world,
03:46I feel like I just did my assigned hookups after college,
03:48and then did a little meet me, sex me,
03:50and then I married nature,
03:52and it's good.
03:54It is good.
03:56Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
03:58I don't know, starting to think I might just be single forever.
04:00Sorry to interrupt, but I was eavesdropping.
04:02Have you tried the one that's the one?
04:04Uh, no.
04:06No.
04:08What is the one that's the one?
04:10A dating site. It's called the one that's the one
04:12because it promises 100% guarantee
04:14that it will send you the one that's the one,
04:16the perfect person for you.
04:18Oh.
04:20That's how I met my wife, Macuela.
04:22How do you spell that?
04:24M-Q ampersand la.
04:26Mm, old school spelling.
04:28Nice.
04:30You haven't seen the commercial?
04:32No. Here.
04:34Do you work for the company?
04:36I'm still waiting to hear back.
04:38Oh.
04:40Grew up below the line,
04:42but coming up with none?
04:44Just plain tired of the dating scene.
04:46Well, try the one that's the one.
04:48At Najari Labs,
04:50we use a combination of specific questions
04:52combined with DNA testing
04:54to assure that you get your perfect match.
04:56Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Najari,
04:58has developed an algorithm
05:00that promises to send you not just anyone,
05:02but the one that's the one.
05:04It even works for me?
05:06Get out of here,
05:08you daddy old lovebirds.
05:10Head down to Najari Labs today
05:12and find your the one that's the one.
05:26Get out of here.
05:28I'm dancing.
05:34Huh.
05:36Stu.
05:38Yes?
05:40Stu Maxim.
05:42Oh, hey, it's you from the commercial.
05:44I have no idea what you're talking about.
05:46Follow me.
05:50I can't believe I'm doing this.
05:52At first I thought, no way.
05:54You know, no way am I gonna do that.
05:56I mean, I don't know.
05:58Isn't that like, uh, I don't know,
06:00me doing one that's the one,
06:02isn't that like someone from above the line being assigned?
06:04Yeah, it is.
06:06I'm sort of depressed.
06:08My mom's been really hard on me to find somebody.
06:10Not crazy, though, she's really sweet.
06:12I can tell you're nervous.
06:14Just relax.
06:16Are you sure you'll be satisfied with our service?
06:18Yeah.
06:20Okay, so as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,
06:22I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
06:24Sure.
06:26The results of these two tests will give us the information
06:28we need to find your one that's the one.
06:30Great.
06:32All that matters is that you answer honestly.
06:34This is gonna be a little awkward.
06:36Just answer honestly.
06:38Okay.
06:40What is your favorite number?
06:42Four.
06:44Good.
06:46What is your favorite food?
06:48Pepperoni pizza.
06:50Me too.
06:52Okay, next question.
06:54You're in the desert walking in the sand
06:56when all of a sudden you look down
06:58and you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
07:00You reach down and flip it over on its back.
07:02Oh, I don't know.
07:04I feel like I'd probably help.
07:06Huh.
07:08Is it...
07:10You meet someone that reminds you of someone
07:12you just saw in a commercial.
07:14He denies being that person.
07:16What do you do?
07:20And sign here.
07:22Okay.
07:24Great.
07:26And that's 82 credits.
07:28Okay.
07:32Okay.
07:34Congratulations.
07:36Dr. Najari will enter all your information into the algorithm
07:38and your one that's the one will arrive at your home
07:40tonight, exactly at midnight.
07:42Oh, midnight. Okay.
07:44For dramatic effect.
07:46All right.
07:48And find your one that's the one.
07:54I'll see ya.
07:56Good night.
08:02Hi.
08:16Hi, still.
08:18Hi, still.
08:20Hmm.
08:32Hmm.
08:54You have a visitor.
08:56I'm coming.
08:58Hi.
09:00Hi.
09:02Hi. Can I help you?
09:04Um, I'm Burt.
09:08Um,
09:10I'm your one that's the one.
09:12Are you...
09:14Uh, oh, don't come in.
09:16Um, no.
09:18Uh, sorry. That's...
09:20That's just... That's ridiculous.
09:22You can't be my one that's the one.
09:24No, of course not. I mean...
09:26I apologize for asking you this.
09:28Are you a homosexual?
09:30No. Well, neither am I. Right, see?
09:32Okay, so clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.
09:34Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
09:36I mean, I want my money back. I mean, no offense.
09:38Hey, none taken.
09:40Oh, man.
09:42Oh, don't take it so hard, buddy.
09:44No, it's just...
09:46I don't know.
09:48Sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.
09:50Just, uh, it sucks. It sucks to be born below the line.
09:52Where? What neighborhood?
09:54Hallebeck Heights. It's right by Oosker and Beanoin.
09:56I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.
09:58No way. God, I was happy for that.
10:00Tell me about it. Huh?
10:04Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
10:06Bert Chund. Hey, yeah, you too.
10:08Stu Maxim. You know, honestly, I'm just...
10:10I don't know. I'm glad if someone finally showed up.
10:12Got to be 12.15. I was thinking no one was coming.
10:14I'm sorry about that. I'm always late.
10:16That's something I should work on.
10:18No, don't think twice about it.
10:20Well, hey, listen.
10:22I got kind of hungry. I was actually...
10:24I was going to go grab some food.
10:26I don't know. You want to come?
10:28I could eat. Yeah.
10:30You ever go to Al's? Al's Diner? Below the line?
10:32Love that place.
10:34Be careful.
10:36Reason for going below the line?
10:38Going to get diner food. Gross.
10:40Normally I don't love patting people down,
10:42but when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.
10:44Glad I made your night better.
10:46Okay, let's go.
10:48I'll find you. Bye.
10:58I love when they're going to blow the door off that armored car.
11:02Oh, yes, yes.
11:04And they decide not to close up anyway.
11:06Yes, right. I love that show.
11:08Hey, Al.
11:12What do you want?
11:14Egg white omelet.
11:16Egg white omelet,
11:18but could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?
11:20What? No way. That's my order.
11:22I mean, that's literally what I ordered.
11:24It's so funny, because I like the yolks, but...
11:26Separately? Yeah.
11:28I'm going to do the same.
11:30Okay.
11:32What do you have?
11:34It's unbelievable.
11:40But then my wife passed away.
11:42Oh, I'm sorry about that.
11:44Oh, it's okay. It was a long time ago.
11:46I got this.
11:48Oh, no. Come on. Let me get it.
11:50No, no. No, no. I got it.
11:52I invited you. Let me just...
11:54No, no. I got it. I got it.
11:56All right. Thank you.
11:58Well, that was fun.
12:00Yeah, that was a blast.
12:02And look, if I ever need a new car, I know who to call, right?
12:04Please, my day's on the floor over.
12:06I'm a desk jockey now.
12:08Listen, I'm back this way, actually, so...
12:10See you around?
12:12Oh, I'm sorry.
12:14No, it's weird that I went for the hug.
12:18Take it easy.
12:20Yep. Bye.
12:22Yeah.
12:40Hello?
12:44Hello?
12:46Hello?
12:52Hello?
13:00Dr. Najari?
13:04Hello?
13:12Wait a minute!
13:14Hello?
13:20Well, I guess you didn't want to give us our money back.
13:22Yeah, I guess not.
13:24Good to see you.
13:26What are you doing? You want to get lunch or something?
13:28Well, I had some work to do, but...
13:30You like grilled cheese?
13:36Whoa.
13:38That was crazy.
13:40I had no idea that was gonna happen.
13:42Well...
13:44Maybe some idea.
13:48Hey, did you still want that grilled cheese?
13:50Nope.
13:52I don't even like grilled cheese.
13:54I'm lactose intolerant.
13:56Stop.
13:58You dog.
14:12Hey.
14:14Hey.
14:16Hey.
14:18Hey.
14:20Hey.
14:22Hey.
14:24Hey.
14:26Hey.
14:28Hey.
14:30Hey.
14:32Hey.
14:34Hey.
14:36Hey.
14:38Hey.
14:40Hey.
14:42Hey.
14:44I can't believe I'm gonna meet your parents.
14:46Do I look okay?
14:48Stop it. You look great.
14:50You like my sweater vest?
14:52Yes, I love it. It's very dignified.
14:54Not dignified, but its main purpose is to hold my stomach in.
14:56Hey. I love that stomach.
14:58That's my stomach.
15:00Come on.
15:02Hey!
15:04Oh, my God.
15:06Mom, Dad, this is Bert.
15:08Hi, I'm Ron.
15:10Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chund.
15:12Call me Bert. My father was Mr. Chund.
15:14He's as witty as you said, Stu.
15:16I'm Linda.
15:18Enchanté.
15:20Oh, bonjour.
15:22Okay, dear.
15:24Yeah, take it easy, ma.
15:30Oh, I love that song.
15:32Hey, let's sing it.
15:34Whoa, whoa, cha-cha
15:36Please, Mr. Lion-Guard Man
15:38Don't check my bag-a
15:40Don't check my bag-a
15:42Oh, I love
15:44Marlo Umphrey.
15:46I saw him live 17 times.
15:48Oh, Stu, you sure know how to choose them.
15:50Thanks, Dad.
15:52I was kind of nervous that you guys would be, I don't know,
15:54upset about his age.
15:56Are you kidding me?
15:58You've given us another old fogey to talk about the good old days with.
16:00Oh, hey, Linda.
16:02Stu mentioned that you like owls.
16:04So, I picked one up for you.
16:06I hope you like it.
16:08Bird.
16:10Oh, that's so sweet.
16:12Oh.
16:14Oh, a mechanical owl.
16:18Oh, it's beautiful.
16:20Oh, it'll look perfect
16:22with my collection.
16:26Are you guys staying for dinner?
16:28Please.
16:30Dinner?
16:32Jesus.
16:34Nervous. Sweating.
16:36Don't be.
16:38They're great kids.
16:40Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.
16:42These are my kids.
16:44And if they don't like you, I'll tell them they have to.
16:48I just feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.
16:50Stu, listen.
16:52Martha was a wonderful woman.
16:54And when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.
16:56But these are good kids.
16:58They want to see their dad happy.
17:00Liza, this is Stu.
17:02Hi. Hi.
17:04Nice to meet you. You too.
17:06Dad, you didn't tell me he was super hot.
17:08I wanted to surprise you.
17:10Booj, this is Stu.
17:12Booj? How are you?
17:14Forget this.
17:16I'll be in the backyard.
17:18Sorry. He's just...
17:20adjusting. I'm gonna go talk to him.
17:22Actually, no. You know what?
17:24Let me go talk to him.
17:30Hey, bud.
17:32Hey.
17:36You're, uh...
17:38You're pretty great on that thing.
17:44Hey, you, uh...
17:46You like safe fall?
17:50Yeah, I guess.
17:52Yeah.
17:54Yeah.
17:56Yeah.
17:58Yeah, I guess.
18:00Why don't you go along?
18:02Come on.
18:04It'll be fun.
18:08Hey, yo, get out there.
18:12You, uh, play in high school?
18:14Yeah, I played at Central Awards.
18:16Hey, I played at Island Awards.
18:18Man, you above-the-line guys
18:20always kicked our butts.
18:22Listen, how you holding up?
18:24It's just, you're not my mom.
18:26Hey, hey, I totally get that.
18:28All right?
18:30I don't want to be your mom.
18:32Look, I couldn't be.
18:34From what your dad says,
18:36she was one of a kind.
18:38Yeah, she... she was.
18:40But, I mean, that's not everything.
18:42Come on, champ. You can tell me.
18:44After Mom died, I just got really depressed.
18:46And I just...
18:48I just...
18:50I just got really depressed.
18:52So then, eventually,
18:54my assigned mate
18:56filed for unassignment.
18:58Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines?
19:00Oh, that's what my sister did.
19:02I don't know. I... I feel like I should maybe
19:04try to just figure it out
19:06for myself.
19:08Listen.
19:10Hey, it's okay. Look at me.
19:12You don't think I was scared
19:14getting into this with your dad?
19:16I was terrified.
19:18He's a big man.
19:20Yeah? Yeah.
19:22Well, listen, if there's one thing
19:24that I can tell you,
19:26it's that anything, anything
19:28can be overcome with a little bit of courage.
19:30And I know
19:32you got some of that, right?
19:34You just gotta find it.
19:36Where is it? Huh?
19:38Is it there? No. No? Is it over there?
19:40No. Where is that? Where's that courage?
19:42It's not there. Yeah? Where is it? Come on.
19:44It's right here.
19:46Yeah, that's where it is.
19:48There's my big guy.
19:50You all right? Come here.
19:56Thanks, Stu.
20:04Hey, uh,
20:06Egg White, when are you gonna finish that up
20:08and give your old man a back rub?
20:10Why am I the one decorating this tree,
20:12and why am I the one giving the back rub?
20:14Who could that be
20:16at this time? You have a visitor.
20:18Come on in!
20:20You.
20:22That's the guy from the one-that's-the-one commercial.
20:24No, I'm the technician from Najari Labs.
20:26Same guy. I assure you I'm not. Huh.
20:28What is with this? Mr. Chund, Mr. Maxim.
20:30We're both Mr. Maxim now.
20:32Oh. Well, I don't normally
20:34make house calls, but this is a special
20:36situation. You see,
20:38when Dr. Najari computed your input
20:40at the one-that's-the-one, he made a mistake.
20:42He forgot to carry the one.
20:44You are not each other's one-that's-the-one.
20:46But we've been together for a year.
20:48Yeah. I mean, we're married.
20:50I can't apologize enough. It's the first
20:52mistake in the history of the one-that's-the-one.
20:54Mr. Maxim,
20:56this is your one-that's-the-one.
20:58Oh.
21:00Mr. Maxim,
21:02this is yours.
21:04Al from the diner? Yes.
21:06And it's still a dude? Yes. Huh.
21:08We should have connected you two.
21:10Al got so lonely, he relocated
21:12to Irmingblam. Irmingblam's
21:14horrible this time of year. So humid.
21:16Listen, we don't care what you say, okay?
21:18We're satisfied with these results. We really love one another.
21:20We're happy. I understand that,
21:22but you can't argue the science. Forget the science.
21:24We work. I mean, we may contradict
21:26some data, but why would that matter?
21:28I'm afraid this is about more than just
21:30you two. Dr. Najari?
21:32Were you waiting out by the entranceway all this time?
21:34Why didn't you just walk in?
21:36I don't know. I sure looked weird.
21:38Well, that's your opinion.
21:40You see, the upper classes are assigned
21:42mates at birth to preserve order.
21:44There is much more at stake here than just your
21:46relationship. Order is the foundation
21:48of our community, above the line.
21:50You two have been
21:52mandated for separation. What?
21:54No. No way are we separating.
21:56You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
21:58In a fine print, it says that in the event
22:00of a mistake, separation
22:02is legally required. Who's gonna make us?
22:04Yeah. I am.
22:06Actually, those two
22:08will, but because I tell them to.
22:10Were you two out here this whole time?
22:12Yeah, again, just super weird.
22:14Like, how many more people are in the house? Shut up.
22:16You have
22:18two hours to separate.
22:20What?
22:22Two hours?
22:24Two hours. Yeah, I got it.
22:36Well, that's everything.
22:40You wanna try to take these guys out?
22:42I'm gonna miss you so much.
22:44They're armed.
22:46We can't take them.
22:54This could have been great.
22:56It was great.
22:58Hey, I know.
23:00Come here.
23:02Shh.
23:07Did you get your pot ticket?
23:09Yep.
23:11Leaving for Irmingblam
23:1310 p.m. Thursday.
23:15Uh...
23:19My car homie's here, so...
23:22I gotta go.
23:30Bye, Bert.
23:33Good luck in Irmingblam.
23:35Goodbye.
23:38Ed White.
23:40♪♪♪
23:48♪♪♪
24:02So did you notice that I get my head white?
24:04Right.
24:06I get the goats on the side,
24:08I get the yolks on the side.
24:11Why would you do that?
24:13Because I don't like them with a little tight whites, so...
24:39So, you know, I don't consider the bed so bad.
24:47If you ain't no better lover, oh, can't you hear me when I say?
24:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
24:58Uh, nothing. Nothing. I'm doing nothing.
25:04I should be doing something.
25:09Bird! Birdie! Birdie!
25:25Bird! Bird! Bird! Wait! Bird, wait!
25:38Birdie!
25:44Why am I always late?
25:47Good thing I'm always late, too.
25:49Screw science.
26:08Yeah, screw science.
26:10I want to know which wavelets you're hanging on.
26:22I want to know which light you keep keeping on.
26:30I want to know whose side you're on.
26:37I want to know who's gonna pick you and turn on your TV and put your records on, yeah.
26:54I want to leave this cold place and keep you warm.
27:01I want to be your shelter from the storm.
27:10Yeah, I want to know whose side you're on.
27:18I want to know whose side you're on.
27:32You know, I think we're gonna like it here.
27:34Me, too, Egg White.
27:41You know what? I want to try something. It's silly, but let me try it.
27:44Oh, carry me through the threshold?
27:45Yeah, yeah.
27:47Yeah, I like this.
27:48There we go.
27:50No, no, no.
27:51No?
27:52No.
27:53I'll walk.
27:54Let's walk.
27:55Yeah, yeah.
27:56All right.
27:57I said I want to talk to you.
28:16I want to talk to you.
28:17I want to talk to you.
28:18I want to talk to you.
28:19I want to talk to you.
28:20I want to talk to you.
28:21I want to talk to you.
28:22I want to talk to you.
28:23I want to talk to you.
28:24I want to talk to you.
28:25I want to talk to you.
28:26I want to talk to you.
28:27I want to talk to you.
28:28I want to talk to you.
28:29I want to talk to you.
28:30I want to talk to you.
28:31I want to talk to you.
28:32I want to talk to you.
28:33I want to talk to you.
28:34I want to talk to you.
28:35I want to talk to you.
28:36I want to talk to you.
28:37I want to talk to you.
28:38I want to talk to you.
28:39I want to talk to you.