The One
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg
00:30This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:32Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:34This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:36Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:38This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:40Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:42This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:44Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:46This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:48Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:50This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:52Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is coincidental and unintentional.
00:54This video is a derivative work of the Touhou Project.
00:56This is...
01:16Hey, is he the same person from last time?
01:26Hey, uh, Steffi, what time is it?
01:31Hello, Stu. It is 6.04 p.m.
01:34Shit.
01:36Hey.
01:38What's up?
01:41I'm so tired of truffles.
01:44Me, too.
01:46I hear they have great food vehicles below the line,
01:48but I'm simply too scared to go down there.
01:52You must eat here.
01:54Three stars. Reminder, as a resident of above the line,
01:57you must eat here by end of month.
02:01Okay, we've got the Belgian long-grain wheat quintuple IPA.
02:05Oh, don't mind if I do.
02:08Oh, creamy nose feel.
02:10Nice.
02:11And a pumpkin saffron super double triple IPA.
02:14Boom.
02:15And who is the lager in a bottle for?
02:17Oh, yeah, that's my buddy. Sorry, he's always late.
02:19I had to dig way back in the cooler for this.
02:21Didn't even know we had them anymore.
02:23Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?
02:25Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:27Hey, we're both happily married.
02:28Crazy now.
02:30That's great.
02:31Duis.
02:32Stu.
02:33What up, bro?
02:34What up?
02:35Hey.
02:36Huh?
02:37Huh?
02:38Ooh.
02:39As a?
02:40Stu.
02:41Pobby.
02:42Pobby.
02:43Stu.
02:44Nice to meet you, bro.
02:45Good to meet you, bro.
02:46Sorry I'm late.
02:47You know what?
02:48I hear you're always late.
02:49Hey.
02:50Guilty.
02:51Oh, jeez.
02:52I don't drink that stuff.
02:53Love this stuff.
02:54Just grew up on it, you know?
02:55Lager.
02:56That's rough.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Hey, so Stu, any dates this week, man?
02:59No, none this week.
03:00Actually, I haven't had one since last month.
03:02Dates?
03:03You weren't assigned at birth?
03:04Why?
03:05Oh.
03:06Stu grew up below the line.
03:07Oh, shit.
03:08Yeah.
03:09Nobody below the line gets assigned.
03:10You have to date, so.
03:11But then my mom invented an app that
03:12removes apps from your brain.
03:13The Unappetizer.
03:14Yeah, so she made a whole bunch of money.
03:16We moved above the line, but I was already 18 by then,
03:18so I still got a date.
03:19Dude, I love the Unappetizer.
03:20Everybody does.
03:21Everybody does.
03:22Hold on.
03:23He does.
03:24Stephy?
03:25Hello, Pobby.
03:26What can I do for you?
03:27Launch Unappetizer.
03:30Unappetizer recommends deleting Meet Me,
03:32Sex Me as you are now married.
03:34It also recommends deleting Where See Movie At
03:37as all movies are available on me.
03:39It recommends deleting Get Buff Quick
03:41as you have clearly given up.
03:44Man, this is crazy.
03:45You know, the dating world, I feel like I just
03:47did my assigned hookups after college,
03:49and then did a little Meet Me, Sex Me,
03:50and then I married Nacho, and it's good.
03:53It is good.
03:54Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.
04:00Sorry to interrupt, but I was eavesdropping.
04:02Have you tried The One That's The One?
04:05Uh, no.
04:06No.
04:07What is The One That's The One?
04:09A dating site.
04:10It's called The One That's The One
04:11because it promises 100% guaranteed
04:13to send you the one that's the one,
04:15the perfect person for you.
04:17Oh.
04:18That's how I met my wife.
04:20Macuela.
04:21How do you spell that?
04:22M-Q ampersand la.
04:25Mm.
04:26Old school spelling.
04:27Nice.
04:28You haven't seen the commercial?
04:29No.
04:30Here.
04:32Do you work for the company?
04:34I'm still waiting to hear back.
04:36Oh.
04:38Grew up below the line?
04:39Sick of your mandated mate?
04:41Looking for someone but coming up with none?
04:43Just plain tired of the dating scene?
04:45Well, try The One That's The One.
04:48At Najari Labs,
04:49we use a combination of specific questions
04:51combined with DNA testing
04:53to assure that you get your perfect match.
04:55Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Najari,
04:58has developed an algorithm
04:59that promises to send you not just anyone,
05:01but the one that's the one.
05:03It even works for me?
05:06Get out of here, you daddy old lovebirds.
05:09Come on down to Najari Labs today
05:11and find your The One That's The One.
05:19Get out of here.
05:21I'm dancing.
05:27Huh.
05:29Stu.
05:30Yes.
05:31Stu Maxim.
05:32Oh, hey.
05:33It's you from the commercial.
05:35I have no idea what you're talking about.
05:39Follow me.
05:42I can't believe I'm doing this.
05:44At first, I thought, no way.
05:45You know, no way am I gonna do that.
05:47I mean, I don't know.
05:48Isn't that like, uh, I don't know,
05:50me doing one that's the one?
05:51Isn't that like someone from above the line being assigned?
05:53Yeah, it is.
05:54And then I thought, well, I'm above the line now.
05:56Maybe I should do it.
05:57Also, I was just sort of depressed.
05:58My mom's been really hard on me to find somebody.
06:00Not crazy, though.
06:01She's really sweet.
06:02She's not a person.
06:03I can tell you're nervous.
06:04Just relax.
06:05It's okay.
06:06It's okay.
06:07It's okay.
06:08It's okay.
06:09It's okay.
06:10It's okay.
06:11I know you're nervous.
06:12Just relax.
06:13Are you sure you'll be satisfied with our service?
06:15Yeah.
06:16Okay, so as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,
06:18I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
06:20Sure.
06:21The result of these two tests will give us the information
06:22we need to find your one that's the one.
06:25Great.
06:26All that matters is that you answer honestly.
06:27Sure.
06:29What is your favorite number?
06:31Three.
06:32No.
06:33Eight.
06:34It's okay the questions can be a little awkward.
06:36Just answer honestly.
06:38What is your favorite number?
06:39Four.
06:40What is your favorite food?
06:41Pepperoni pizza.
06:42Me too.
06:43Okay, next question.
06:44You're in the desert, walking in the sand,
06:46when all of a sudden you look down,
06:47you see a tortoise crawling towards you.
06:49You reach down and flip it over on its back.
06:51Oh.
06:52The tortoise lays there on its back,
06:54its belly baking in the sun, its legs flailing.
06:57It can't turn itself over without your help,
06:59but you're not helping.
07:00Why is that?
07:01Oh, I don't know.
07:04I feel like I'd probably help.
07:07Huh.
07:09You meet someone that reminds you of someone
07:11you just saw in a commercial.
07:13He denies being that person.
07:16What do you do?
07:20And sign here.
07:21Okay.
07:25Great.
07:26And that's 82 credits.
07:27Okay.
07:31Okay.
07:32Congratulations.
07:34Dr. Najari will enter all your information
07:36into the algorithm,
07:37and your one-that's-the-one
07:38will arrive at your home tonight,
07:40exactly at midnight.
07:41Oh, midnight.
07:42Okay.
07:43For dramatic effect.
07:44All right.
07:47And find your one-that's-the-one.
07:54I'll see you.
07:55Good night.
07:59Hi, I'm Stu.
08:18Hi, I'm Stu.
08:26♪♪
08:36♪♪
08:46♪♪
08:52You have a visitor.
08:55I'm coming.
08:59Hi.
09:01Hi. Can I help you?
09:04Um, I'm Bert.
09:07Um, I'm your one that's the one.
09:12Hey, uh, oh, don't come in.
09:16Um, no, uh, sorry, that's...
09:19That's just, that's ridiculous.
09:21You can't be my one that's the one.
09:22No, of course not.
09:23I mean, and I apologize for asking you this.
09:28Are you a homosexual?
09:29No.
09:30Well, neither am I.
09:31Right, see, okay, so clearly
09:32there's been some kind of mix-up.
09:33Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
09:35I mean, I want my money back.
09:37I mean, no offense.
09:38Hey, none taken.
09:40Oh, man.
09:42Oh, don't take it so hard, buddy.
09:45No, it's just...
09:47I don't know, sometimes I start feeling
09:48like I'll never find anybody.
09:49Just, uh, it sucks.
09:51It sucks to be born below the line.
09:52Where? What neighborhood?
09:54Tallybeck Heights.
09:55It's right by Oosker and Beanoin.
09:56I used to sell cars down there
09:57before I got transferred.
09:58No way.
09:59God, I was happy for that.
10:00Tell me about it.
10:01Huh?
10:04Well, it was nice meeting you all the same.
10:06Bert Chund.
10:07Hey, yeah, you too.
10:08Stu Maxim.
10:09You know, honestly, I'm just...
10:10I don't know, I'm glad if someone finally showed up.
10:12Got to be 12.15.
10:13I was thinking no one was coming, you know?
10:15I'm sorry about that.
10:16I'm always late.
10:17That's something I should work on.
10:18No, don't think twice about it.
10:21Well, hey, listen, I got kind of hungry.
10:23I was actually...
10:24I was going to go grab some food.
10:25I don't know, do you want to come?
10:27I could eat.
10:28Yeah.
10:29You ever go to Al's?
10:30Al's Diner? Below the line?
10:31Love that place.
10:33Be careful.
10:34Seating below the line.
10:36Reason for going below the line?
10:37Going to get diner food.
10:38Gross.
10:39Normally I don't love patting people down,
10:41but when they got muscles like you,
10:42I don't mind so much.
10:44Glad I could make your night better.
10:46Okay, let's go.
10:47Right behind you.
10:48Bye.
10:58I love when they're going to blow the door off
11:00that armored car.
11:01Oh, yes, yes.
11:02And they decide not to.
11:04It blows up anyway.
11:05Yes, right.
11:06I love that show.
11:08Hey, Al.
11:12What do you want?
11:13Egg white omelet.
11:14Oh.
11:15Egg white omelet,
11:16but could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?
11:19What? No way.
11:20That's my order.
11:21I mean, that's literally what I ordered.
11:23It's so funny, because I like the yolks, but...
11:25Separately.
11:26Yeah, yeah.
11:27I'm going to do the same.
11:29Okay.
11:32What do you have?
11:33It's unbelievable.
11:40But then my wife passed away.
11:43Oh, I'm sorry about that.
11:44Oh, it's okay.
11:45It was a long time ago.
11:48I got this.
11:49Oh, no, come on, let me get it.
11:50No, no.
11:51No, please.
11:52No, no, I got it.
11:53I invited you.
11:54Let me just...
11:55No, no, I got it.
11:56I got it.
11:57All right.
11:59Well, that was fun.
12:00Yeah, that was a blast.
12:01And look, if I ever need a new car,
12:03I know who to call, right?
12:04Please, my day's on the floor over.
12:06I'm a desk jockey now.
12:07Listen, I'm back this way, actually, so...
12:09Oh.
12:10See you around?
12:11Oh, I'm sorry.
12:12It's all right.
12:13No, it's weird that I went for the hug.
12:15Yeah.
12:18Take it easy.
12:19Yep.
12:20Yeah.
12:21Bye.
12:22Yeah.
12:38Hello?
12:39Hello?
12:44Hello?
12:51Hello?
12:59Dr. Najari?
13:04Hello?
13:06Hello?
13:11Wait a minute!
13:12Wait a minute!
13:19Well, I guess he didn't want to give us our money back.
13:22Yeah, I guess not.
13:23Good to see you.
13:26What are you doing?
13:27You want to get lunch or something?
13:28Well, I had some work to do, but...
13:30You like grilled cheese?
13:35Well...
13:37I'm crazy.
13:39I had no idea it was gonna happen.
13:40Me neither.
13:42Well...
13:44Maybe some idea.
13:47Did you still want that grilled cheese?
13:49Nope.
13:50I don't even like grilled cheese.
13:54I'm lactose intolerant.
13:55Stop.
13:57You dog.
14:05I'm sorry.
14:06I'm sorry.
14:07I'm sorry.
14:08I'm sorry.
14:09I'm sorry.
14:10I'm sorry.
14:11I'm sorry.
14:12I'm sorry.
14:13I'm sorry.
14:14I'm sorry.
14:15I'm sorry.
14:16I'm sorry.
14:17I'm sorry.
14:18I'm sorry.
14:19I'm sorry.
14:20I'm sorry.
14:21I'm sorry.
14:22I'm sorry.
14:23I'm sorry.
14:24I'm sorry.
14:25I'm sorry.
14:26I'm sorry.
14:27I'm sorry.
14:28I'm sorry.
14:29I'm sorry.
14:30I'm sorry.
14:31I'm sorry.
14:32I'm sorry.
14:33I'm sorry.
14:34I'm sorry.
14:35I'm sorry.
14:38I'm sorry.
14:39I'm sorry.
14:40I'm sorry.
14:41I'm sorry.
14:42I'm sorry.
14:43I'm sorry.
14:49I can't believe I'm gonna meet your parents.
14:50Do I look okay?
14:51Stop it, you look great.
14:52You like my sweater vest?
14:53Yes, I love it.
14:54It's very dignified.
14:55It's dignified but its main purpose is
14:56to hold my stomach in.
14:57Hey.
14:59I love that stomach.
15:00That's my stomach.
15:02Come on.
15:04Ew.
15:05Mom, Dad, this is Bert.
15:08Hi, I'm Ron.
15:09Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chun.
15:10Call me Bert. My father was Mr. Chun.
15:12Ha ha ha ha ha!
15:14He's as witty as you said, Stu.
15:17I'm Linda.
15:18Enchanté.
15:19Oh, bonjour.
15:22Ha ha ha ha ha!
15:23Okay, dear.
15:24Yeah, take it easy, ma.
15:26Oh.
15:27Ha ha ha ha ha!
15:30Oh, I love that song.
15:32Hey, let's sing it.
15:33Whoa, whoa, cha-cha-cha.
15:35Please, Mr. Lion-Guard Man,
15:37don't check my bag up.
15:40Ha ha ha ha ha!
15:42Oh, I love Marlo Umphrey.
15:45I saw him live 17 times.
15:47Oh, Stu, you sure know how to choose them.
15:48Thanks, Dad.
15:50I, um, I was kind of nervous that you guys would be,
15:52I don't know, upset about his age.
15:54Oh.
15:55What, are you kidding me?
15:56You've given us another old fogey
15:57to talk about the good old days with.
16:00Oh, hey, Linda.
16:01Stu mentioned that you like owls.
16:03And, uh, so I picked one up for you.
16:07I hope you like it.
16:08Bird.
16:09Oh, that's so sweet.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh.
16:14Oh, a mechanical owl.
16:18Oh, it's beautiful.
16:20Oh, it'll look perfect with my collection.
16:24Are you guys staying for dinner?
16:26Um.
16:27Please.
16:28Dinner?
16:29Yeah.
16:30Sure, thank you.
16:31Yay!
16:33Jesus.
16:34I'm nervous.
16:35I'm sweating.
16:36Don't be.
16:37They're great kids.
16:38Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.
16:41These are my kids.
16:42And if they don't like you, I'll tell them they have to.
16:48I just, I feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.
16:50Stu, listen, Martha was a wonderful woman.
16:52And when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.
16:54But these are good kids.
16:55They want to see their dad happy.
16:57Kids!
16:58There they are.
17:00Liza.
17:01This is Stu.
17:02Hi.
17:03Hi.
17:04Nice to meet you.
17:05You too.
17:06Dad, you didn't tell me he was super hot.
17:07I wanted to surprise you.
17:09Booj, this is Stu.
17:11Booj?
17:12How are you?
17:14Forget this.
17:15I'll be in the backyard.
17:17Sorry.
17:18He's just adjusting.
17:20I'm gonna go talk to him.
17:21Actually, no.
17:22You know what?
17:24Let me go talk to him.
17:32Hey, bud.
17:34Hey.
17:37You're, uh, you're pretty great on that thing.
17:46Hey, you, uh, you like safe fall?
17:52Yeah, I guess.
17:54Why don't you go home and get some rest?
17:57Yeah.
17:58I guess.
18:00Why don't you go along?
18:03Come on.
18:04It'll be fun.
18:08There you go.
18:09Get out there.
18:11You, uh, play in high school?
18:13Yeah, I played at Central Awards.
18:15Hey, I played at Highland Awards.
18:18Man, you above the line guys always kicked our butts.
18:22Listen, how you holding up?
18:25It's just, you're not my mom.
18:27Hey, hey, I totally get that.
18:30All right?
18:31I don't want to be your mom.
18:33Look, I couldn't be.
18:34From what your dad says, she was one of a kind.
18:37Yeah, she, she was.
18:40But I mean, that's not everything.
18:42Come on, champ.
18:43You can tell me.
18:45After mom died, I just got really depressed.
18:48So then eventually, my assigned mate
18:51filed for unassignment.
18:53Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending
18:55machines?
18:56No, that's what my sister did.
18:57I don't know.
18:58I, I feel like I should maybe try to just figure
19:01it out for myself.
19:03Listen.
19:05Hey, it's OK.
19:07Look at me.
19:08You don't think I was scared getting
19:10into this with your dad?
19:12I was terrified.
19:14He's a big guy.
19:16Terrified.
19:18He's a big man.
19:20Yeah?
19:21Yeah.
19:22Well, listen, if there's one thing that I can tell you,
19:25it's that anything, anything can be overcome
19:28with a little bit of courage.
19:31And I know you got some of that, right?
19:35You just got to find it.
19:36Where is it?
19:37Huh?
19:38Is it there?
19:39No.
19:40No? Is it over there?
19:41No.
19:42Where is that?
19:43Where's that courage?
19:44It's not there.
19:45Yeah, that's where it is.
19:46There's my big guy.
19:48You all right?
19:50Come here.
19:54Thanks, Stu.
20:04Hey, uh, Egg White.
20:05When are you going to finish that up and give
20:07your old man a back rub?
20:08Why am I the one decorating this tree?
20:10And why am I the one giving the back rub?
20:15Who could that be at this time?
20:16You have a visitor.
20:17Come on in.
20:20You.
20:21That's the guy from the one that's the one commercial.
20:23No, I'm the technician from Najari Labs.
20:25Same guy.
20:26I assure you I'm not.
20:27Huh.
20:28Mr. Chund, Mr. Maxim.
20:29We're both Mr. Maxim now.
20:31Oh.
20:32Well, I don't normally make house calls,
20:34but this is a special situation.
20:36You see, when Dr. Najari computed your input
20:39at the one that's the one, he made a mistake.
20:42He forgot to carry the one.
20:44You are not each other's one that's the one.
20:46But we've been together for a year.
20:47Yeah.
20:48I mean, we're married.
20:49I can't apologize enough.
20:51It's the first mistake in the history of the one
20:53that's the one.
20:54Mr. Maxim, this is your one that's the one.
20:58Oh.
20:59Mr. Maxim, this is yours.
21:03Al from the diner?
21:04Yes.
21:05Is he still a dude?
21:06Yes.
21:07Huh.
21:08He should have connected you two.
21:10Al got so lonely, he relocated to Ermingblam.
21:13Ermingblam's horrible this time of year.
21:15So humid.
21:16Listen, we don't care what you say, OK?
21:17We're satisfied with these results.
21:19We really love one another.
21:20We're happy.
21:21I understand that, but you can't argue the science.
21:23Forget the science.
21:24We work.
21:25I mean, we may contradict some data,
21:26but why would that matter?
21:27I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.
21:30Dr. Najari?
21:31Were you waiting out by the entranceway all this time?
21:33Why didn't you just walk in?
21:35I don't know.
21:36I sure looked weird.
21:37That's your opinion.
21:39You see, the upper classes are assigned mates at birth
21:42to preserve order.
21:43There is much more at stake here than just your relationship.
21:45Order is the foundation of our community, above the line.
21:49You two have been mandated for separation.
21:52What?
21:53No.
21:54No way are we separating.
21:55You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.
21:57In a fine print, it says that in the event of a mistake,
22:00separation is legally required.
22:02Who's going to make us?
22:03Yeah, I am.
22:05Actually, those two will, but because I tell them to.
22:10Were you two out here this whole time?
22:12Yeah, again, just super weird.
22:14Like, how many more people are in the house?
22:15Shut up.
22:17You have two hours to separate.
22:20What?
22:23Two hours.
22:24Two hours.
22:25Yeah, I got it.
22:36Well, that's everything.
22:39You want to try to take these guys out?
22:42I'm going to miss you so much.
22:44They're armed.
22:45We can't take them.
22:54This could have been great.
22:55It was great.
22:57Hey, I know.
22:59Come here.
23:02Shh.
23:03Shh.
23:08Did you get your pod ticket?
23:09Yep.
23:11Leaving for Irmingblum, 10 PM Thursday.
23:19My car homie's here, so I got to go.
23:30Piper?
23:33Good luck in Irmingblum.
23:35Goodbye, Ed White.
23:39Ed White.
24:05So did you notice that I get my head white?
24:07But then I get the yolks on the side.
24:10Why are you doing that?
24:12Because I don't like them with a little head white, so.
24:37Whoa, whoa, whoa.
24:56What are you doing?
24:58Nothing.
24:59Nothing.
25:00I'm doing nothing.
25:04You must be doing something.
25:10Bruce!
25:11Bruce!
25:14Bruce!
25:25Bruce!
25:29Bruce!
25:30Bruce!
25:31Wait!
25:32Bruce, wait!
25:35Bruce!
25:44Why am I always late?
25:46Good thing I'm always late, too.
26:05Screw science.
26:07Yeah, screw science.
26:35I'm sorry.
26:36I'm sorry.
26:37I'm sorry.
26:38I'm sorry.
26:39I'm sorry.
26:40I'm sorry.
26:41I'm sorry.
26:42I'm sorry.
26:43I'm sorry.
26:44I'm sorry.
26:45I'm sorry.
26:46I'm sorry.
26:47I'm sorry.
26:48I'm sorry.
26:49I'm sorry.
26:50I'm sorry.
26:51I'm sorry.
26:52I'm sorry.
26:53I'm sorry.
26:54I'm sorry.
26:55I'm sorry.
26:56I'm sorry.
26:57I'm sorry.
26:58I'm sorry.
26:59I'm sorry.
27:00I'm sorry.
27:01I'm sorry.
27:02I'm sorry.
27:03I'm sorry.
27:04I'm sorry.
27:05I'm sorry.
27:06I'm sorry.
27:07I'm sorry.
27:08I'm sorry.
27:09I'm sorry.
27:10I'm sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
27:12I'm sorry.
27:13I'm...
27:14You know, I think we're going to like it here.
27:22Me, too, Egg White.
27:26We really liked it.
27:30You know, I think we're going to like it here.
27:34Me too, Egg White.
27:35You know what?
27:36I want to try something.
27:37It's silly, but let me try it.
27:38Oh, carry me through the threshold?
27:39Yeah.
27:40Yeah.
27:41No, that'll be cute.
27:42Yeah, I like this.
27:43There we go.
27:44Ah!
27:45No.
27:46No.
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28:56No.