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Transcript
00:00Let's fade the music out.
00:10Lights.
00:13Lights.
00:16Lights.
00:46Thank you.
01:00Thank you very much.
01:02I appreciate that.
01:03I don't necessarily agree with you,
01:04but I appreciate it very much.
01:07Well, this is a nice place.
01:08This is easily the nicest place
01:10for many miles in every direction.
01:20That's how you compliment a building
01:22and shit on a town with one sentence.
01:26It is odd around here, as I was driving here,
01:29there doesn't seem to be any difference
01:31between the sidewalk and the street
01:33for pedestrians here.
01:36People just kind of walk
01:37in the middle of the road.
01:46I love traveling and seeing
01:47all the different parts of the country.
01:48I live in New York.
01:50I live in a...
01:51There's no value to your doing that at all.
01:53I live in New York.
01:58There's this old lady in my neighborhood,
02:00and she's always walking her dog.
02:02She's very old.
02:05She just stands there just being old,
02:08and the dog just fights gravity every day.
02:11Just the two of them.
02:12It's really...
02:13The dog's got a cloudy eye,
02:16and she's got a cloudy eye,
02:18and they just stand there
02:19looking at the street
02:20in two dimensions together.
02:26And she's always wearing, like,
02:27this old, this sweater dress.
02:29I guess it was a sweater
02:30when she was, like, 5'10",
02:32but now it's just, like, this sweater.
02:34And her legs are...
02:35Her legs are a nightmare.
02:37They're just white with green streaks
02:40and bones sticking out,
02:42and her legs are awful.
02:44I saw a guy with no legs wheeling by,
02:46and he was like,
02:47ugh, no, thank you.
02:50I do not want those.
02:54I'd rather just have air down here
02:55like I have.
02:59Trying to look down at that shit.
03:07I see these two all the time,
03:10and I always look at them,
03:11and I always think,
03:12God, I hope she dies first.
03:14I do.
03:15I hope she dies first for her sake,
03:17because I don't want her to lose the dog.
03:19I don't think she'll be able to handle it.
03:21If she dies, if the old lady dies first,
03:23I'm not worried about the dog,
03:24because the dog doesn't even know
03:26about the old lady.
03:28This dog is aware of
03:30three inches around his head.
03:36He's living in two-second increments.
03:39The second he's in,
03:40and the one he just left
03:42is all he knows about.
03:46But if he dies, this lady,
03:48she's gonna be destroyed,
03:49because this dog is all she has.
03:52And I know he's all she has,
03:54because she has him.
03:57There's...
03:58If she had one person in her life,
04:00she would not keep
04:01this piece-of-shit little dog.
04:03Even if just some young woman
04:05in her building one morning
04:06were to say,
04:07Good morning, Gladys,
04:08she'd be like, Oh, good,
04:09and just flush him down the toilet.
04:10Just, oosh.
04:18Dog just keeps bumping on the drain.
04:25She gives up.
04:28Ends up just shitting on her dog
04:30for the rest of her life.
04:34Oosh.
04:44You ever flush a pet down the toilet?
04:47I had to flush my daughter's fish
04:48down the toilet.
04:49I came home.
04:50The fish was dead.
04:51She wasn't home from school yet,
04:52so I just flushed the fish.
04:54And that's a weird moment, too,
04:55because fish live in water.
04:57So you put it in the toilet.
04:58It floats to the bottom.
04:59Like, yeah, he's dead.
05:01And then you flush,
05:02and it looks like he goes,
05:03Wait a second!
05:04Oh, shit!
05:08I was taking a nap!
05:09Jesus!
05:12You gotta be in constant motion
05:13to get any respect in this house!
05:20And then my daughter comes home.
05:21Why did he die?
05:23Come on, what am I gonna say?
05:27Why did he die?
05:28Because who gives a shit?
05:30That's the reason.
05:31That's the actual reason,
05:33is because it didn't matter
05:34that he was alive.
05:36That's why he's dead.
05:39He didn't know his name,
05:40and he didn't love you back.
05:41These are the facts
05:43about that fish's life.
05:49My daughter likes fish.
05:50We took her to the aquarium.
05:51I took both my kids
05:52to the aquarium in Boston,
05:53and we were looking at this seal
05:55or sea lion.
05:56I don't know which one.
05:57I don't care.
05:59I don't think they need
06:00to be separate things.
06:02I really don't.
06:04They don't care,
06:05and we don't care.
06:07There's, like, three scientists
06:08who give a shit
06:09what we call all those things.
06:11The scientists are gonna go
06:12on TV tomorrow and say,
06:13okay, everybody, from now on,
06:15seals and sea lions
06:18and walruses
06:20and you know what?
06:21Penguins
06:23are all seals now.
06:27And we would all be like,
06:29yeah, fine.
06:33Whatever, man.
06:35Anyway, so we're looking
06:36at this seal, sea lion thing,
06:38and he's looking back at us
06:40through the plexiglass,
06:41and he's going,
06:42ooh!
06:45They're really disgusting
06:46in person.
06:48Most animals are
06:49when you really see them.
06:50You ever go to a farm?
06:51You think you're gonna see
06:52little white sheep going,
06:53bah!
06:54But they're all fat
06:55and shit-colored,
06:56and they're like,
06:57bah!
07:00Jesus.
07:02That thing is awful.
07:05Anyway, seals don't go,
07:06they go, ooh!
07:10My daughter's like,
07:11what does he say?
07:13I don't know.
07:15I'm a slave!
07:19Kill me!
07:30Must be awful
07:31to be other kinds of stuff.
07:35I'm glad I'm this.
07:37This is a pretty good deal
07:39when you consider
07:40the alternatives.
07:42Anything else,
07:43any other kind of thing,
07:45you're in the food chain.
07:47You're in the food,
07:48we are out of the food chain.
07:50I don't know if we fully
07:51appreciate the fact
07:53that we got out
07:54of the food chain.
07:56That is a massive upgrade.
07:59Because for every other
08:00living thing,
08:02life ends by being eaten.
08:04That's how all life ends,
08:06is every single life
08:07except human life.
08:09Every life ends like this.
08:10Ah! Ah! Ah!
08:18We're the only ones
08:19that get to just
08:20die old in a bed.
08:23I love you, babe.
08:34I mean, imagine if we were
08:35still in the food chain
08:37on top of everything else.
08:39Imagine if we were
08:40in the food chain.
08:41It would just be another thing
08:43you got to deal with.
08:46You're already having
08:47a bad day.
08:49You wake up in the morning,
08:50you're making breakfast,
08:51you burn your toast
08:52and it's too late
08:53to try again.
08:56And your kid comes in
08:57and says,
08:58and you're like, fine.
09:00And it's just, why?
09:04You get a thing in the mail
09:05that says that your
09:06phone's different
09:08and your mortgage
09:09is another company now.
09:11What? I don't get it!
09:16Then you're walking to work
09:17like, why do I even bother?
09:19Shit! God damn it!
09:23There's always fucking cheaters
09:24at the train station.
09:27Stop it!
09:36Do you think that sharks,
09:38do you think that sharks
09:39would be embarrassed
09:41if they knew
09:42that we could all see
09:43their fins sticking out
09:44of the top of the water?
09:48I think they'd be bummed.
09:50Because I don't think
09:51sharks are aware of that at all.
09:53I think sharks think
09:54they're slick.
09:56They swim around like,
09:57nobody has any idea
09:59what's down here.
10:02And we're all up here like,
10:03there's totally a shark
10:04right there.
10:09It wouldn't be fun
10:10being a predator either.
10:11If you're a predator,
10:12imagine if every time
10:13you're hungry,
10:14you got to chase a guy
10:17who's running for his life.
10:20You gotta, come on dude!
10:21Shit, get over here!
10:23And just hold him down
10:24and bite his neck
10:25till he shuts the fuck up
10:26for a minute.
10:29So he can just sit there
10:30and eat his stomach
10:31before you go to work.
10:39That would really suck.
10:41That's why animals just,
10:42they go, let's do this
10:43together, man.
10:44You chase the parents away,
10:45I'm gonna eat the kid.
10:46And you circle back.
10:48That's why they do it like that.
10:50Fuck it, I'm eating babies.
10:51This is bullshit.
10:58Grownups ain't worth the meat.
11:02Whoops.
11:03Alright.
11:04Alright.
11:06Oh shit.
11:08God damn it.
11:12Idiot.
11:14This isn't a gay voice
11:15by the way.
11:16It's not.
11:18Shut up.
11:26I live in New York City
11:27and it's okay there.
11:29I live in a nice building.
11:30I never lived
11:31in a nice place before.
11:32When I was growing up,
11:33I had no money.
11:34I mean, my mom didn't.
11:35It didn't matter.
11:36I was a child.
11:37But I'm not used to it
11:39because it's nice.
11:40It's like a pretty courtyard
11:41with flowers and a fountain
11:44with little marble boys pissing.
11:47I don't know.
11:48What is it with fountains?
11:51Like, all fountain sculptors
11:53are pedophiles, basically.
11:55You can't get a fountain made
11:57without...
11:58Do you make me a fountain?
12:00Yes, I'll get started right away.
12:02Oh.
12:04Oh, yes.
12:06Yes.
12:09It's finished.
12:13And it's just little boys
12:14pissing on the face
12:16of a Greek god
12:17that looks like him a lot.
12:20Ah, it pisses on me forever!
12:29Anyway, there's one of those
12:30in the courtyard of my building.
12:32And my first week in the building
12:35about a year ago,
12:36I went down to the courtyard
12:37for the first time.
12:39And I didn't look too good,
12:40you know?
12:41It was a Sunday morning.
12:43That's my least presentable hour.
12:46A lot of, you know,
12:47just stains,
12:48just like, you know,
12:49food and me and whatever.
12:52And so I'm sitting there.
12:57So?
12:58Shut up!
13:01Oh!
13:04Anyway, so there I was.
13:07I'm sitting on the stone bench
13:08of this courtyard
13:10and feeling a little out of place.
13:13You know, there's these
13:14fancy doormen and stuff.
13:15And then there's this guy
13:16looking at me.
13:17I notice he's looking at me
13:18from across the courtyard.
13:20And he's all spiffy looking.
13:22He's got brown shoes.
13:24And he's looking at me like,
13:25hmm, I can tell he was thinking
13:27I don't live in the building.
13:29He thinks I just wandered in
13:30off the street
13:32and sat in the courtyard.
13:33And I can tell he's thinking
13:34of coming over
13:35and dealing with me on his own.
13:37And I'm sitting there
13:38thinking like,
13:39yes, please, come on, come on.
13:41Come on, come on, come on, come on.
13:43And I'm trying to look
13:44even more gross.
13:45And I'm like pulling up my shirt
13:47and whatever.
13:49And then I see him go,
13:50oh, no, that's not
13:51going to do at all.
13:52And he comes over to me.
13:54Hmm.
13:56And I'm like,
13:57I'm so excited to have this thing.
14:01A confrontation where
14:02I'm not wrong at all.
14:05And he thinks I am.
14:08So he comes over,
14:10says, excuse me,
14:12do you live in this building?
14:14And I said, no.
14:19Because why not start there?
14:24I said, no.
14:26He goes, well,
14:27then what are you doing here?
14:28And I said,
14:29I just need to rest.
14:30I'm having a hard time.
14:32He says, this is private property.
14:35And I said, well,
14:36I don't really believe in that.
14:38You know, just the worst things
14:40I could say from his point of view
14:42is basically all the things
14:43I was saying.
14:45And he goes, well,
14:46if you don't leave,
14:47I'm going to talk to the doorman.
14:48I was like, can I just stay
14:49like five more hours?
14:51So he's, hmm, no.
14:54And he goes over to the doorman.
14:56And I see him talking about me
14:57to the doorman.
14:59And I see him talking about me
15:00to the doorman like this.
15:02And then I see the doorman going,
15:03oh, no, that guy lives here.
15:04That's okay.
15:11And the look on his face,
15:13it was just so,
15:15it was this beautiful
15:18cocktail of anger and confusion.
15:24It's like I had invented
15:25a new way to hurt
15:26somebody's feelings.
15:27That's how excited I was.
15:35I'm 45 now,
15:36so I'm either halfway
15:37through a healthy life
15:38or almost done
15:39with not-so-healthy life.
15:43I don't know which one.
15:45I won't know till it's over
15:46where this was.
15:50I don't know how long
15:51I'm going to live.
15:52I don't know.
15:53Nobody knows, I guess.
15:54I think human life expectancy
15:55is pretty good.
15:57We get a good run, you know?
15:59Some people die early, you know?
16:01If I die now,
16:02people will be like,
16:03oh, that's too bad.
16:04If I die five years from now,
16:05they'll be like,
16:06oh, all right.
16:07Like, it's not even, it's,
16:09like, as soon as you're 50,
16:10you're a candidate.
16:11You, you, you know,
16:13there's no candlelight vigils
16:14for 50-year-old guys that die.
16:18And you start pushing
16:19in the area.
16:20Yeah, you know, you know,
16:21some people get to be
16:22like 80s, 90s.
16:23You know, there are people
16:24that get to like 114
16:26and then they're in the news
16:28and it's always some old guy.
16:30I met Napoleon.
16:31No, you didn't.
16:33You liar.
16:34You oldest liar in the world.
16:40But 45, you know,
16:42you're not old yet,
16:43but you start having moments
16:44where you kind of start
16:45getting what old is.
16:47Especially if you didn't
16:48take care of yourself, you know?
16:52I have moments where I'm like,
16:53wow, this seems early for this.
16:58Like this is something
16:59that happens to me a lot.
17:00I'll be sitting watching TV
17:01or doing nothing
17:03and all of a sudden I'll realize
17:05I need to wipe my ass right now.
17:16I mean, nothing happened,
17:20but I really got to
17:21wipe my ass right now.
17:24Got to make trips to the bathroom
17:26just to wipe my ass.
17:28How did this happen already?
17:30I'm 45.
17:32Already my asshole's just like,
17:34ugh.
17:39My asshole's like the waistband
17:42on old pajama bottoms.
17:44Just kind of loose
17:47and ineffectual.
17:49My asshole's like a bag of leaves
17:51that nobody tied up.
17:56Just sitting on the lawn
17:58full and open.
18:02Puking leaves under the grass
18:05with every wisp of wind.
18:09Some kid kicks it over
18:10on his way home
18:12from a tough day at middle school.
18:14From a tough day at middle school.
18:18Rats.
18:23That's a pretty accurate
18:24description of my asshole.
18:27Here's another thing
18:28about my age right now.
18:29If I'm, okay,
18:30say I'm sitting down.
18:31If I'm sitting anywhere,
18:33which I love sitting so much.
18:38I would take sitting
18:39and doing nothing
18:40to standing and fucking any day.
18:42This is way better than coming.
18:45This is way better.
18:51In my age,
18:52if I'm sitting down
18:53and somebody tells me
18:54I need to get up
18:55and go in another room,
18:56I need to be told
18:57all the information why first.
19:02You gotta explain
19:03all that shit to me.
19:04What, why, why do I?
19:06No, why though?
19:08Your car's being towed right now.
19:10Well, that's what
19:11happens to me then.
19:13That's, I accept that.
19:17Because getting up
19:18is a whole thing.
19:19It means I have,
19:20first I have to decide
19:21do I really want
19:22to be alive anymore?
19:23Like, let's start with that.
19:28And then I gotta,
19:29I gotta start kind of rocking
19:31to get momentum.
19:34Like I'm trying to get
19:35an old Honda
19:36out of a snowbank.
19:37Rrrrrrrrrr!
19:39Rrrrrrrrr!
19:42Rrrrrrrrrrr!
19:46Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
19:50Shit.
19:55The worst part of my day,
19:56worst part of every day
19:57of my life,
19:58is when I have
19:59to put on my socks.
20:01Putting on my socks
20:02is the worst part
20:03of every day.
20:05And it always gets
20:06And it always will be, even if I have a terrible day in the future where my grandmother is murdered by my other grandmother.
20:18If that ever happened to me, the worst part of that day will be when I put on my socks.
20:23Because...
20:25But if I have to put on my socks, that means I have to, here's what I have to do, I have to get my hands past my pointed toe.
20:32I don't even know how I do it.
20:34I'm sitting here, I don't know how I do that.
20:38It's like folding a bowling ball in half.
20:46And as soon as I start, I can feel I'm pushing all the fat up into my vital organs.
20:52And I just feel all the systems failing.
20:54Beep, beep, beep.
20:59And I have to lay on my back like an eight year old and go like this.
21:03And start passing out.
21:12And I know other people's lives are hard.
21:21I know.
21:24I saw an interview on TV with Michael J. Fox.
21:27And he has Parkinson's.
21:29And he was describing brushing his teeth.
21:31He said it takes him two hours a day.
21:33And he said it's agony.
21:35And I saw this and I thought, okay, that's hard.
21:38That is hard.
21:40And so is putting on my socks.
21:45Sorry Michael, doesn't make it easier to know about your thing.
21:50Tell you what, I'll help you brush your teeth, you help me with the socks.
21:55I don't know, I like getting older though.
21:57Life is an education.
21:59And if you're older, you're smarter.
22:01I just believe that.
22:02If you're in an argument with somebody and they're older than you, you should listen to them.
22:05It doesn't mean they're right.
22:07It means that even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
22:12They've been here longer.
22:14If you're older, you're smarter.
22:16How many people here by applause are 45 or older?
22:1845 or older, applaud.
22:21Okay.
22:23That's about 60 people out of 2,400.
22:28Here's the interesting thing, there's way more.
22:30I can see you.
22:32There's so many more.
22:34This is Arizona, there are way more people in that demographic.
22:39But they didn't clap.
22:41Why? Because they're smart.
22:44They're sitting in the dark going, I don't have to clap, I don't have to do anything.
22:48They're not doing it.
22:50And they're right, you know why?
22:51Because never identify yourself.
22:53Never.
22:54Are you crazy?
22:55You don't know why I'm asking.
22:57How do you know?
22:58Okay, burn them all.
22:59Burn everybody over 45.
23:00How do you know I'm not going to do that?
23:08How many people here by applause are 40 or younger?
23:1040 or younger, applaud.
23:12That's every time.
23:16Every time.
23:17Every time.
23:18That is a weird thing to celebrate in a room where you're not the only people here.
23:24That's like going to cancer ward, not me.
23:28I don't have it.
23:31I don't have it.
23:38If you're older, you're smarter.
23:41A 55-year-old garbage man is a million times smarter than a 28-year-old with three PhDs.
23:49Especially smarter than him.
23:52Because this idiot has been thinking about three things for like 15 years.
23:56He's worthless.
23:59The garbage man is 55.
24:01He's had some experience.
24:02Things have happened to him.
24:04He went to Cape Cod one summer, he saw a dead guy floating in the motel pool.
24:11He took a bus to Montreal.
24:19He got a handjob at a fair.
24:24From a minor.
24:32I mean a minor.
24:35Not a minor, a minor.
24:41Understand, a minor.
24:45A grown man who works in a mine.
24:49With dirty hands, jacked him off at a county fair.
24:52That's what I'm saying happened to the 55-year-old.
24:55You see, he's had some experience.
24:58He knows more.
25:00More has happened to him.
25:01He's seen more.
25:02He's seen history.
25:03He's witnessed history.
25:05Even if it's not ancient history.
25:06He saw Nixon resign on live television.
25:09Me and those few people that clapped, we saw the president of America cry and then quit being the president.
25:19That shit was crazy.
25:22Because none of us knew what was going to happen next.
25:25Today people are like, the president is kind of disappointing.
25:28Really? Our president wept like an insane person and then got in a helicopter and flew away.
25:40And the whole nation just watched him go.
26:01I like getting older though because for me, the kind of guy I am, getting older makes my life better.
26:07Like my sex life, way better at 45.
26:10Because this situation is okay at 45.
26:16This is not a fun kind of a 17-year-old to be.
26:21And some people, their life is better when they're younger.
26:23Young dudes, young skinny dudes.
26:26Best life in the world is being a young skinny dude.
26:31They don't have to do anything.
26:32They don't have to do anything.
26:33They just show up with a big Adam's apple and a smelly t-shirt.
26:39Hey, I'm here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life.
26:50So where do I, oh everywhere? Okay, cool.
26:57But for guys like me, this is not a fun youth.
27:01It gets better.
27:03I'd like to make one of those It Gets Better ads for just dumpy young guys.
27:09We could use a little help, a little encouragement.
27:12Just somebody on TV, listen man, I know it's tough right now.
27:16You're vaguely heavy with no face.
27:21You have zero value on the sexual marketplace.
27:24You feel invisible to the girls in school because you are.
27:27But it gets better.
27:29Because you all grow up.
27:32And you pretty much look just like this your whole life.
27:35And they don't.
27:37Their options start running out really fast.
27:40And you're gonna be there.
27:42As long as you stay relatively employed and washed,
27:44you're gonna be amazing in your forties.
27:48You're gonna be the branch that she can grab before she hits the ground.
27:52It's gonna be so great.
27:54It's gonna be so great.
27:57It just takes time
28:00for her circumstances to match your looks.
28:02But it's gonna happen.
28:04It's gonna happen.
28:06When real shit matters.
28:08You're gonna be the sexiest motherfucker in the world.
28:12It's just time. That's all it takes.
28:14There's a formula to this.
28:15It's pussy plus time over income squared.
28:25Everybody has their time.
28:27Everybody has their time.
28:29I mean, not everybody.
28:31There are people out there who there's just nobody for them.
28:36Yep.
28:38People like to say things like,
28:40there's someone for everyone.
28:42Nope.
28:44Not at all true.
28:46And stop saying it,
28:47because it's mean to people who never find anybody.
28:50There are millions of people out there
28:51who we've all unanimously decided
28:53they are lightspeed ugly
28:55and nobody kisses them on the lips even.
28:58Nobody touches their genitals their entire life.
29:01They just wash it and then they die.
29:03That's all that happens.
29:06Aw, and if you're feeling bad for them,
29:08you can go find one and fuck one tomorrow.
29:10You can just solve the problem right there.
29:15With all that kindness in your heart.
29:17With all that kindness in your heart.
29:21Aw, well go fuck one.
29:23Nah, I didn't think so.
29:28That's the one way we're all mean.
29:30Nobody does that.
29:32Nobody fucks down.
29:33Nobody.
29:35People fuck up or across.
29:44Some women fuck down
29:45because a guy talked them into that it was up.
29:48No, you should.
29:50I'm totally up.
29:53It's a weird selection process that we have.
29:56Dating, really, is how we evolve, is dating.
29:59It's how we choose each other.
30:01And dating is a real drag for a lot of people,
30:03but I always think it's a nice thing.
30:05When I see a date, I'm always happy.
30:07When I see a couple on a date,
30:09because it means people are still trying.
30:11You see a couple on a date,
30:13it means there's still courage out there.
30:15For both sides.
30:17Two very different kinds of courage.
30:19The male courage, traditionally speaking,
30:21is that he decided to ask.
30:23He went up to a random woman
30:25who he has no idea if she's going to like him or not,
30:27and he walked up to her.
30:29Terrifying.
30:30Everything in your body is telling you,
30:32just go the fuck home and jerk off.
30:34Don't do this.
30:36But he walked up and said,
30:38Hi, yes.
30:40And she's like,
30:42No, no, no, give me a second.
30:43You're trying to get through this membrane of,
30:45you know, and then if it works,
30:47and you say,
30:49you want to go out sometime?
30:51Sometimes she'll say yes.
30:53And if she says yes, that's her courage.
30:55And the courage it takes for a woman to say yes
30:57is beyond anything I can imagine.
30:59A woman saying yes to a date with a man
31:01is literally insane.
31:03And ill-advised.
31:06And the whole species existence
31:08counts on them doing it.
31:10And I don't know how they,
31:11how do women still go out with guys
31:13when you consider the fact
31:15that there is no greater threat
31:17to women than men.
31:19We're the number one threat to women.
31:21Globally and historically,
31:23we're the number one cause of injury
31:25and mayhem to women.
31:27We're the worst thing
31:29that ever happens to them.
31:31That's true.
31:33You know what our number one threat is?
31:35Heart disease.
31:37That's the whole thing.
31:39That's it.
31:41We can't keep doing this.
31:43I told you three strokes ago
31:45that this is not smart.
31:49But women still,
31:51yeah, I'll go out with you alone at night.
31:54What are you, nuts?
31:57I'll get in your car with you
31:59with my little shoulders.
32:01Hi, where are we going?
32:03To your death, statistically.
32:06How do they still do it?
32:09If you're a guy,
32:11imagine that you could only date
32:13a half bear, half lion.
32:16Oh, I hope this one's nice.
32:19I hope he doesn't do
32:21what he's going to do.
32:31I love when I see a date.
32:33You know when you see a date,
32:35you can tell it's the first date
32:37because the way they're walking together
32:39and she's looking up at his face
32:41is just a mess.
32:43A guy in a first date
32:45just has no actual personality.
32:48He's just a mishmash
32:50of different kinds of dudes
32:52for a couple of seconds each.
32:54Just anything.
32:56No cohesive,
32:58just like a ransom note
33:00cut out of a lot of magazines.
33:02Just, yeah.
33:04Yes, I think so too.
33:07Whatever.
33:09Just like a blind dick in space
33:11searching in infinite directions
33:14hoping to find pay dirt in some place.
33:20And then sometimes you see a date
33:22that's later down the line
33:24and something has happened.
33:26There's something that happens in a date
33:28that I never get to witness
33:30because women do this.
33:32They get to do it inside.
33:34They get to just decide quietly,
33:36I'm going to let him fuck me.
33:38They just get to decide
33:39what the hell is shit.
33:41He has no idea.
33:43He's already in there.
33:50Guys are...
33:52We love women a lot.
33:54All men do.
33:56And we just look at you.
33:58That's what I do.
34:00I just look at women.
34:02I just...
34:04I was walking in New York once
34:06and there's these two very cute women
34:07and I walked slowly
34:08so I could hear what they were saying
34:09to each other.
34:10You know, because they were cute.
34:12So I wanted to hear them
34:13like that's going to help me
34:14in any way to hear them.
34:16Don't you wish the guy
34:17walking in front of us
34:18would squeeze our tits
34:19for like one second?
34:28Okay.
34:35Yeah.
34:38Yeah.
34:42It's really a flaw in men
34:44that we would all do that.
34:46If you're a woman,
34:47you could ask any guy
34:48on planet Earth,
34:49can you squeeze my tit
34:50for one second?
34:51And 100% of us
34:53will go,
34:54oh yes, of course.
34:56That doesn't matter.
34:57I could be doing open heart surgery.
34:58Oh yeah, okay.
35:00Oh, don't worry.
35:01He's not your tits.
35:02Don't worry about it.
35:04I don't know why
35:05we love tits so much.
35:06People say it's because
35:07we breastfeed.
35:08But so do women.
35:11Or, you know,
35:12baby women.
35:15Grown up women
35:17don't usually.
35:19You don't see like
35:20a 68-year-old woman
35:22like
35:24a stately look,
35:25you know, like Sigourney Weaver
35:26like sucking milk
35:29out of a young woman's tit.
35:34Thank you, Debra.
35:35See you tomorrow.
35:36Two o'clock.
35:41It's not usually the thing
35:42is the elderly
35:44breastfeeding from the young.
35:46Except for at the end
35:47of The Grapes of Wrath,
35:49which I don't mean to ruin
35:50that book for you,
35:51but you should've read it by now.
35:52I don't know if you
35:53read The Grapes of Wrath,
35:54but that's how it ends.
35:55With an old dying man
35:57sucking milk
35:58out of a young girl's tit.
36:00And then the book is over.
36:03And you're like,
36:04Jesus, what happened
36:07at the end there?
36:08That's crazy.
36:11There's no other book
36:12in that genre.
36:13There's no
36:14dense historic classic
36:16that ends with a weird
36:17porny paragraph
36:19at the very
36:21and then Anna Karenina
36:22shat on his chest.
36:24Holy moly
36:25with that!
36:29The end.
36:30Oh my God!
36:34That is a violent
36:35shift in tone
36:36at the end of that book.
36:38I've been reading this book
36:39for three months.
36:45But we do.
36:46We love tits.
36:48And you always
36:49know a tit.
36:52You always know a tit.
36:54You know,
36:55like you ever been
36:56in a crowded place
36:57like a subway
36:58or like a
36:59you know,
37:00a sports stadium
37:01and you're smushed
37:02in with other people
37:03and your elbow
37:04touches a tit behind you
37:05like, that's a tit!
37:06I just touched it.
37:07I know that was a tit.
37:08I know it!
37:10Because
37:11the sensitivity
37:12of the male elbow
37:13to tit flesh
37:14specifically
37:16is unbelievable.
37:18Just to tits
37:19because you could drive
37:20a tack in there.
37:21I'm not going to feel it.
37:22But a tit
37:24through a shirt
37:25and a sweater
37:26and a jacket.
37:28And her jacket,
37:29sweater, shirt,
37:30and bra
37:31somehow
37:32I said tit!
37:33I touched a tit!
37:35I
37:36touched a tit.
37:38I, hmm
37:39I touched one tit.
37:42One tit.
37:44That's rare
37:45to touch one tit.
37:46It's like a four-leaf clover.
37:52Usually you touch
37:53the only time you touch
37:54one tit is when
37:55it was an accident
37:56or you didn't have permission.
37:58But otherwise
38:02when tit access
38:03is granted
38:04it's usually good
38:05for two tits at a time.
38:06It's
38:08once you're on one
38:09you really have to
38:10screw up really badly
38:11and quickly
38:13to lose tit access
38:15between tits one and two.
38:17You must have said
38:18something really dumb
38:19on the first tit
38:21that you didn't get
38:22the second one.
38:23Oh yeah.
38:24It's like your mom's
38:25dirty whore tit.
38:29What?
38:30I said I liked it.
38:32That's what I meant
38:33is that I like it.
38:35I like your mom's
38:36dirty whore tit.
38:38I like yours.
38:42And if it's up to the guy
38:43we're gonna touch both tits.
38:44No guy touches a tit
38:45and then goes
38:46you know what?
38:47I'm good with the one.
38:48That's fine for me.
38:50Everything in moderation.
38:52We're gonna touch both
38:53if the guy
38:54if it's
38:55even if something
38:56terrible happens
38:57in the middle of
38:58oh yeah
38:59oh shit
39:00come on
39:01let's get
39:02come on
39:04let's get your tits
39:05out of here.
39:11I've seen a few tits.
39:12I've seen
39:13I don't know
39:1448 maybe
39:15I don't know.
39:18I've had my history
39:19my life you know.
39:21I've been divorced
39:22for five years
39:23and it's been the best
39:24part of my life
39:25being divorced.
39:26Easily my favorite
39:27part of my life.
39:28Being divorced
39:29every year has been
39:30better than the last
39:31and it's the only time
39:32I can say that about.
39:33And by the way
39:34I'm not saying
39:35don't get married.
39:36If you meet somebody
39:37fall in love
39:38and get married
39:39and then get divorced
39:40because that's the best part.
39:41It's the best part.
39:42Marriage is just like
39:43a larva stage
39:44for true happiness
39:45which is divorce
39:46because you just
39:47let go
39:48and everything's
39:49fine now.
39:50Divorce is forever.
39:54It really
39:55actually is.
39:57Marriage is
39:58for how long
39:59you can hack it.
40:01But divorce
40:02just gets stronger
40:03like a piece of oak.
40:06Nobody ever says
40:07oh my divorce
40:08is falling apart
40:09it's over
40:10I can't take it.
40:13And again
40:14if you're in a good marriage
40:15stay in it.
40:16If you're in the best
40:17marriage ever
40:18stay in it.
40:19I'm just saying
40:20if you got out
40:21it would be better.
40:22That's just a fact.
40:23I'm sorry.
40:24I'm sorry
40:26Everything's better.
40:27My ex-wife and I
40:28this is the best part
40:29of our knowing each other.
40:30We're good co-parents
40:31because we live apart
40:32and we're friends.
40:34Our kids go to her
40:35half the week
40:36they come to me
40:37half the week.
40:38And I'm a good father.
40:39I'm an attentive
40:40focused and responsible father.
40:41Do you know why?
40:42Because I get to say
40:43goodbye to these kids
40:44every week.
40:45Are you shitting me?
40:47It's like
40:48every parent's fantasy.
40:51Who can't be
40:52a good father
40:53for half of every week?
40:56No matter how bad it gets
40:57every Wednesday
40:58I get to go
40:59goodbye girls
41:00daddy's gonna go upstairs
41:01and pour whiskey
41:02all over his naked body
41:03right now.
41:09I'm gonna lay in
41:10my own filth
41:11until two seconds
41:12before you come back here.
41:15That's why I'm
41:16such a good dad.
41:23My daughter was
41:25having a dance thing
41:26at our school.
41:27They had this big dance.
41:28Anyway we all went
41:29all the parents
41:30and everybody's there
41:31and everybody's got their phone.
41:32Every single parent
41:33it was an amazing thing
41:34to watch because
41:35kids are dancing
41:36and every parent is
41:37standing there like this.
41:38Every single person
41:39was blocking their vision
41:41of their actual child
41:43with their phone.
41:44And the kids
41:45I went over by the stage
41:46and the kids
41:47there's people holding iPads
41:48in front of their faces.
41:50It looked like we're all
41:51in the witness protection program.
41:53Like the kids can't
41:54see their parents.
41:56And everybody's watching
41:57a shitty movie
41:59of something that's
42:00happening ten feet.
42:01Like look at your
42:02fucking kid.
42:04The resolution
42:05on the kid
42:06is unbelievable.
42:07If you just look
42:09it's totally HD.
42:13Why are you
42:14taping this?
42:15You're never
42:16gonna watch it.
42:18In a million years
42:19you're not gonna watch
42:20videos of your kids
42:21doing shit you missed
42:22the first time
42:23it happened.
42:25You don't watch it
42:26you just put it on Facebook.
42:27Here you watch it.
42:30I wanna take a nap now.
42:36And then you get to
42:37read all the comments.
42:38Oh my god!
42:40It's so cute!
42:50And guess what?
42:51They're not watching
42:52it either.
42:53They're not watching
42:54the video.
42:55These kids are
42:56dancing for no one.
43:01Nobody watches
43:02the videos on your Facebook.
43:03They see the first
43:04frame of a kid
43:05and they go
43:06ah that's very nice
43:07okay back to this.
43:14Nobody's watching
43:15your kids' videos
43:16on Facebook.
43:17I promise you.
43:18I'll prove it to you.
43:19Next time you tape
43:20your kids dance
43:21one second of it
43:22and then add 20 minutes
43:23of just your own asshole.
43:25Just go in the bathroom
43:27and just record
43:30your own anus
43:32opening and closing
43:34for 20 minutes.
43:38Tack it on to your
43:39kid dancing for a second
43:40and put that on Facebook.
43:45Everybody will
43:46write the same thing.
43:47That's adorable!
43:51I think I see
43:52a future star!
43:59Don't tape
44:00tape shit on your
44:01life is short.
44:02Life is very short.
44:03I like life.
44:04I like it.
44:05I feel like even if
44:06it ends up being short
44:07I got lucky
44:08to have it.
44:09Because life is
44:10an amazing gift
44:11when you think about
44:12what you get
44:13with a basic life.
44:14Not even a particularly
44:15lucky life
44:16or a healthy life.
44:17If you have a life
44:18it's an amazing
44:19here's your boilerplate
44:20deal with life.
44:21This is basic cable
44:22what you get
44:23when you get life.
44:25You get to be
44:26on earth.
44:27First of all
44:28oh my god
44:29what a location.
44:31This is earth
44:32and for trillions
44:33of miles
44:34in every direction
44:35it fucking sucks
44:36so bad.
44:38It's so shitty
44:39that your eyes
44:40bolt out of your head
44:41because it sucks
44:42so bad.
44:45You get to be
44:46on earth
44:47and look at shit
44:48as long as you're not
44:49blind or whatever it is.
44:50You get to be here
44:51you get to eat food
44:53you get to put bacon
44:54in your mouth.
44:55I mean
44:56when you have bacon
44:57in your mouth
45:00it doesn't matter
45:01who's president
45:02or anything
45:03you just
45:04oh
45:05oh
45:08Every time I'm
45:09eating bacon I think
45:10I could die right now
45:11and I mean it.
45:14That's how good
45:15life is.
45:16You get to
45:17you get to fuck
45:18and it's free
45:19if you're smart.
45:20That's
45:21that comes with.
45:23That's part of the deal.
45:26Where else
45:27are you going to get that deal?
45:29You get to put your dick in there
45:30and go in
45:31and out.
45:35Pretty good.
45:38And if you're a woman
45:39you get to just lay back
45:40and just have a dick
45:41just shoving
45:43in and out of you
45:44awkwardly
45:46anytime you want
45:47anytime you want.
45:56If you're a gay man
45:57you get to just fill
45:58your boyfriend's ass
45:59with your dick
46:00just fill it all the way
46:01to the balls
46:04and it's nice and warm
46:05and tight in there
46:09and he's your buddy
46:18If you're a lesbian
46:19you get to do all the stuff
46:20they're doing
46:22and
46:30it's a great deal
46:31you get to eat
46:32you get to fuck
46:33you get to read
46:34to kill a mockingbird.
46:36It's a great life.
46:38So when it
46:39you know I'm not worried
46:40about it anymore.
46:42It's pretty good.
46:44And I've wasted
46:45a lot of time just being
46:46angry at people
46:47I don't know
46:48you know
46:49it's amazing how nasty
46:50we can get as people
46:52depending on the situation
46:53like most people are okay
46:55as long as they're okay
46:58but if you put people
46:59in certain contexts
47:00they just change
47:01like when I'm in my car
47:02I have a different
47:03set of values.
47:05I am the worst person
47:07I can be
47:08when I'm behind the wheel
47:10which is when I'm
47:11in my most dangerous
47:13when you're driving
47:14that's when you need
47:15to be the most
47:16compassionate
47:17and responsible
47:18of any other time
47:19in your life
47:20because you are
47:21fucking driving a weapon
47:22amongst weapons
47:24and yet it's the worst
47:25people get
47:26and I'm the worst
47:27one time I was driving
47:28and there was a guy
47:29ahead of me
47:30and he kind of
47:31I don't know
47:32he sort of drifted
47:33into my lane
47:34for a second
47:35and this came out
47:36of my mouth
47:37I said
47:38worthless piece of shit
47:45what an indictment
47:48what kind of way
47:49is that to feel
47:50about another human being
47:52worthless piece of shit
47:55that's somebody's son
48:01and things I've said
48:02to other people
48:03I was once driving
48:04some guy in a pickup truck
48:05did I don't know
48:06remember even
48:07and I yelled
48:08out my window
48:09I said hey
48:10fuck you
48:12where outside of a car
48:14is that even
48:15nearly okay
48:21if you were in
48:22an elevator
48:24and you were like
48:25right next to
48:26a person's body
48:27and whatever
48:28like he leaned
48:29into you a little bit
48:30would you ever turn
48:31right to their face
48:32and go
48:33hey fuck you
48:41worthless piece of shit
48:45no
48:47literally zero people
48:48would ever do that
48:50but put a couple
48:51of pieces of glass
48:52and some road between you
48:53there's nothing
48:54you would not say to them
48:56I hope you die
48:58I said that
48:59to a person
49:01I hope you die
49:03why?
49:04cause you made me
49:05go like this
49:06for half a second
49:07of my life
49:10you tested my reflexes
49:11and it worked out fine
49:13so now I hope
49:14your kids grow up
49:15motherless
49:21I mean
49:22what am I capable of
49:27I'd like to think
49:28that I'm a nice person
49:30but I don't know man
49:32a lot of it
49:33is context
49:36there's a lot of things
49:37I wonder if the world
49:38was different
49:39like if murder was legal
49:40I might have killed
49:41a few people
49:42I don't know
49:44I'd love to think
49:45oh I would never do that
49:46but we really need
49:47the law against murder
49:49for one simple reason
49:50the law against murder
49:52is the number one thing
49:53preventing murder
49:58we'd like to think
49:59it's cause like
50:00oh I would never do that
50:01no it's cause it really
50:02sucks getting caught
50:03murdering
50:04a lot
50:07if murder was legal
50:09if murder was legal
50:11or just a misdemeanor
50:14like you get a thing
50:15in the mail
50:16oh shit they had
50:17a camera there
50:27if murder was legal
50:28there would be
50:29so much murder
50:31regular people
50:32would murder
50:34murderers would
50:35murder even more
50:37and then really nice
50:38sweet people
50:39would murder a few people
50:42but nobody would
50:43murder no people
50:46you wouldn't trust
50:47somebody who didn't murder
50:49if murder was legal
50:50you wouldn't like them
50:52I never killed anybody
50:53okay nice meeting you
50:56what a creep
50:58I mean not even a hooker
50:59live a life
51:00what's wrong with that guy
51:02he's like a Mormon
51:03or some shit
51:04I hate those guys
51:07I think he's nice
51:08shut up Janet
51:10it would just
51:15if murder was legal
51:16there would be
51:17a lot of murder
51:18children would behave
51:19very differently
51:21because mostly parents
51:22would be murdering
51:23their own kids
51:24that's mostly what
51:25would happen
51:26if murder was legal
51:28you'd be you know
51:29you go to a mall
51:30there'd be like
51:31eight different moms
51:32in the mall
51:33just I told you to stop it
51:36you didn't listen to me
51:38just
51:40there'd be just
51:41you'd be stepping over
51:42dead kids
51:43it'd be like a new problem
51:46you have to clean up
51:47your kids when you kill them
51:48because it's gross
51:51it's bad for the environment
51:55if you murder your child
51:56in a public place
51:57please use one of the red bags
52:01that are in the dispensers
52:03every three feet
52:04of America
52:07put your murdered child
52:09in the red bag
52:10with a logo
52:11of a murdered kid on it
52:14next to the other logo
52:16that tells you not to
52:17let your alive kid
52:18play with a plastic bag
52:20because they might suffocate
52:23in which case
52:24you could just
52:25leave them in the bag
52:36that is a whole bunch
52:37of horrible thoughts
52:38right in a row
52:39right in a row
52:41that is a compressed area
52:43of bad thoughts
52:48you know you have
52:49your bad thoughts
52:50hopefully you do
52:51good things
52:52everybody has a competition
52:53in their brain
52:54of good thoughts
52:55and bad thoughts
52:56hopefully the good thoughts
52:57win
52:58for me I always have both
52:59I have like the thing
53:00I believe
53:01the good thing
53:02that's the thing I believe
53:03and then there's this thing
53:04and I don't believe it
53:06but it is there
53:09it's always this thing
53:10and then this thing
53:12it's become a category
53:13in my brain
53:14that I call
53:15of course
53:17but maybe
53:23I'll give you an example
53:27okay like of course
53:29of course
53:30children who have
53:31nut allergies
53:33need to be protected
53:34of course
53:36we have to segregate
53:37their food from nuts
53:39have their medication
53:40available at all times
53:41and anybody who
53:42manufactures or serves food
53:43needs to be aware
53:44of deadly nut allergies
53:46of course
53:50but maybe
53:52maybe
53:54if touching a nut
53:55kills you
53:56you're supposed to die
54:04of course not
54:05of course not
54:06of course not
54:08Jesus
54:10I have a nephew
54:11who has that
54:12I'd be devastated
54:13if something happened to him
54:15but maybe
54:16maybe
54:18if we all just do this
54:19for one year
54:20we're done with
54:21nut allergies forever
54:29no
54:30of course not
54:33of course
54:34of course
54:35if you're fighting
54:36for your country
54:37and you get shot or hurt
54:38it's a terrible tragedy
54:39of course
54:40of course
54:45but maybe
54:47maybe
54:48if you pick up a gun
54:49and go to another country
54:50and you get shot
54:51it's not that weird
54:54maybe
54:55if you get shot
54:56by the dude
54:57you were just shooting at
54:59it's a tiny bit
55:00you're false
55:05of course
55:06of course
55:07slavery
55:08is the worst thing
55:09that ever happened
55:16listen
55:17listen
55:18you all clapped
55:19for dead kids
55:20with the nuts
55:21for kids dying
55:22from just
55:23from nuts
55:24you applauded
55:25so you're in this
55:26with me
55:27with me
55:28with me
55:29with me
55:30with me
55:31with me
55:32with me
55:33so you're in this
55:34with me now
55:35do you understand
55:36you don't get to cherry pick
55:38those kids did nothing
55:39to you
55:44of course
55:45of course
55:46slavery is the worst thing
55:48that ever happened
55:49of course it is
55:50every time it's happened
55:52black people in America
55:53Jews in Egypt
55:54every time a whole race
55:55of people has been enslaved
55:56it's a terrible
55:57horrible thing
55:59of course
56:00but maybe
56:01maybe every
56:02incredible
56:03human achievement
56:04in history
56:05was done
56:06with slaves
56:07every single thing
56:08where you go
56:09how did they
56:10build those pyramids
56:11they just threw
56:12human death
56:13and suffering
56:14at them
56:15until they were finished
56:18how did we traverse
56:19the nation
56:20with a railroad
56:21so quickly
56:22we just threw
56:23Chinese people in caves
56:24and blew them up
56:25and didn't give a shit
56:26what happened to them
56:27there's no end
56:28to what you can do
56:29when you don't
56:30give a fuck
56:31about particular people
56:32you can do anything
56:36that's where
56:37human greatness
56:38comes from
56:39is that we're
56:40shitty people
56:41that we fuck
56:42others over
56:43even today
56:44how do we have
56:45this amazing
56:46micro technology
56:47because the factory
56:48where they're making these
56:49they jump off
56:50the fucking roof
56:51because it's a nightmare
56:52in there
56:53you really have
56:54a choice
56:55you can have
56:56candles and horses
56:57and be a little
56:58you can suffer
56:59immeasurably
57:00far away
57:01just so you can
57:02leave a mean comment
57:03on YouTube
57:04while you're taking a shit
57:09thanks a lot folks
57:10you guys were great
57:11thank you very very much
57:13thank you
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