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00:00We are ordered to stifle the heartbeat of the central military complex of the United
00:14States.
00:15The Pentagon?
00:16We'll receive details of the plan at our next meeting.
00:21If we are to succeed, we must have someone guide us.
00:24Yes, someone who knows the building, who has total access to it.
00:28Top clearance.
00:29I know such a man.
00:30He's a control agent.
00:31Maxwell Smart.
00:32Do you think we can recruit Maxwell Smart for a price?
00:37If not for money, there's always the lovely Natasha.
00:41You're talking foolishly, gentlemen.
00:45Maxwell Smart is a dedicated loyal agent.
00:48But he's also stupid.
00:51Stop.
00:52Nobody say anything.
00:53Give me that.
00:55Where did this glass with the ice cube come from?
00:59It was here when we came in.
01:00That's it.
01:01They found it.
01:02Did you see?
01:03The ice and this glass have melted.
01:04Look at this ice cube.
01:05Germanium crystal.
01:06With a transmitting device inside.
01:07Oh!
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01:25I can't stand it when they break those things.
01:27You know, 99, I really feel sorry for Professor Parker.
01:31He spent so much time working on that device.
01:34The ice cube transmitter.
01:35Yes.
01:36For the last six months, he's tested it in every known fluid.
01:39That's how he got his reputation.
01:41As a perfectionist?
01:42No, as a drunk.
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06:16You're going to bust this little game wide open.
06:19Well, thank you, but I had other plans.
06:21No, no, no, I ain't going to told you.
06:23I ain't going to hold you.
06:24Why, you can't hold back a bonafide angel of luck now, can you?
06:30Hold on, boy, hold on.
06:32Why, you all didn't think I was going to let you walk away unrewarded now, did you?
06:38If you don't, I just might get very angry.
06:40Jacks four.
06:47Beats me.
06:49Mind if I sit in?
06:57Table stakes.
06:59That's the only game I play.
07:01Five hundred.
07:07Another thousand.
07:37Fresh deck, please.
08:07I open.
08:20Five hundred.
08:21I call.
08:22I'm in.
08:23I call.
08:26Give me one.
08:28Two.
08:31Three.
08:35Four.
08:40I'll take four.
08:46Five hundred.
08:49I'm out.
08:50I'm out.
08:53I call your five hundred.
08:56And I raise you five hundred.
09:02I see you.
09:04What do you got?
09:05Well, gentlemen, that cleans me.
09:11Four raises.
09:12You win.
09:15That beats me.
09:18Well, gentlemen, that's all from me.
09:20I'm too lucky in this game.
09:22Joe, four thousand dollars.
09:30Thank you.
09:43Are you certain the chaos agent was watching you?
09:46Everybody was watching me, chief.
09:48And he didn't approach you?
09:49I'm telling you, chief, nobody from chaos is going to approach me.
09:52I've got too good a reputation to live down.
09:54Not anymore, Max.
09:56We've shown them that you're a gambler.
09:58Now we move into phase two, physical degradation.
10:01You'll become an alcoholic.
10:02Right, chief.
10:04An alcoholic?
10:05Mm-hmm.
10:06Well, will they take a heavy drinker?
10:08Max, take good care of this.
10:10The tailor charges a fortune to rip it up like that.
10:13Chief, I've got a dry cleaner that'll do this for nothing.
10:17Here, Max.
10:18You'll need some of these.
10:20Oh, aspirin.
10:21Good.
10:22Probably need a lot of aspirin with all that drinking.
10:24No, Max, not aspirin.
10:25They're absorbable pills.
10:26You keep one in your mouth while you're drinking.
10:28It'll absorb all the alcohol out of the liquor.
10:30Say, that's wonderful, chief.
10:32Then I'll act drunk, I'll look drunk, I'll even smell drunk, but I'll be stone sober.
10:36That's right, Max.
10:37Not one drop of alcohol will reach your stomach, unless...
10:40Unless what, chief?
10:42Well, just don't swallow one of the absorbable pills.
10:45If you do, your stomach fluids will release the alcohol from the pill all at once.
10:49I'll remember that, chief.
10:51Now, you do your drinking in Shea Charles.
10:54That's a skid row bar.
10:56We'll make sure chaos gets wind of where you are.
10:58Right, chief.
11:00Put this away, will you?
11:03Come in.
11:05There you are, Max.
11:06I've been looking all over for you.
11:08Uh, I... I've been busy.
11:11Oh, that's okay.
11:12Come on, you've got to get home and change or we'll be late for the concert.
11:15The concert?
11:16Oh, tonight's Saturday night.
11:17That's right, that's when we go to the...
11:22Sorry, 99, I can't make it tonight. I'm busy.
11:25Oh, you're on assignment.
11:27Well, not exactly.
11:30You're acting very strangely, Max.
11:32Look, 99, why don't you just forget about me for a few days?
11:36Max, I couldn't forget about you.
11:38Not even for a few minutes.
11:40I'm sorry, 99.
11:42Is it another girl, Max?
11:46Sort of.
11:47Oh, okay.
11:49I guess I'll see you in the morning, then.
11:51Good night, chief.
11:52Good night, 99.
11:57Max, until your mission is a success, she'll learn to do without you.
12:02Yeah, chief, but what if my mission is a failure?
12:06We'll all learn to do without you.
12:19Alex, he's here, all right.
12:22Drinking like it's going out of style.
12:28Throat lozenges.
12:30Sore throat.
12:31Oh.
12:36Bartender, give me a B&B.
12:41B&B?
12:42B&B.
12:43B&B.
12:44B&B.
12:45B&B.
12:46B&B.
12:47B&B.
12:49B&B?
12:50Bourbon and bourbon.
13:06Hey, Mac.
13:07You're gonna have to get that dog out of here.
13:09What dog?
13:10That dog.
13:14Dang, what are you doing here?
13:16You want to spoil everything?
13:20All right, doggie, get out of here.
13:22Get lost.
13:23I don't want you hanging around me.
13:25Can't you see I've turned rotten?
13:29Okay, if you want the truth, you're not my pal anymore.
13:31I don't like you.
13:34You've got a sweaty tongue.
13:38And doggy odor.
13:44That's more like it.
13:45Growl yourself right out the door.
13:47Good work, Fang.
13:48You found him.
13:50Max, what are you doing in this place?
13:52What does it look like I'm doing?
13:54I'm getting drunk.
13:56That's not like you, Max.
13:58That's not like you, Max.
13:59Okay, what is like me?
14:01Max.
14:03We've meant so much to each other.
14:05Look, will you do me a favor?
14:07Just leave me alone.
14:08Get out of my life.
14:11Max, I think I can help you.
14:13It's that fly, isn't it?
14:14The $400,000 one.
14:18Fill her up, bartender.
14:19We can work out something.
14:20I've saved a little money.
14:22Look, I don't want your money.
14:24We can pay it off $10 a week.
14:26$10 a week?
14:28Do you know how long that'd take?
14:31900 years.
14:33Sorry, but I've got other plans.
14:36Max, please let me take you home.
14:39Look, can't you get it through your head?
14:40I don't want to go home.
14:41I like it here.
14:42I don't believe that.
14:45Okay, then maybe you'll believe this.
14:47I've never liked you.
14:48Not even from the beginning.
14:49You're too...
14:51statuesque.
14:54Besides, I don't like the things you stand for.
14:57Integrity, loyalty, decency.
15:00Okay, Max.
15:01I'm leaving.
15:03But only because you want me to.
15:05I'm just not convinced that you're what you're pretending to be.
15:09Come on, Fang.
15:10Come on.
15:12Come on.
15:16Smart is deteriorating rapidly.
15:19He just missed his dog and his girl.
15:25Pardon me.
15:26I know this is going to sound silly,
15:28but is it possible that your shoe is ringing?
15:32My shoe?
15:35You've been drinking too much of this cheap booze, soldier.
15:43PHONE RINGS
15:53Listen, I'm sorry I talked to you so mean,
15:55but I can't explain now.
15:57Oh, Chief.
15:59The store was 99.
16:00Have they made contact with you yet?
16:02No, Chief.
16:04They're watching me very closely,
16:06but I think they're finding it hard to believe.
16:08Well, that means we'll have to put phase three into effect.
16:10Right, Chief.
16:12Can you hold on a second, Chief?
16:15Hello.
16:16I'm sorry, but I'm using the phone booth.
16:18Could you call back later?
16:21Okay, Chief.
16:22Phase three it is.
16:24Chief, just one thing.
16:26What is phase three?
16:28That's where I come into the bar and pick a fight with you
16:31and you beat me up.
16:32Beat you up?
16:34I couldn't do that, Chief.
16:35There's nothing to it.
16:37We planted a case of whiskey in harmless,
16:39breakaway bottles down there.
16:41It's called old soldier.
16:43All you have to do is break one over my head.
16:46Old soldier over the head.
16:48Well, okay, Chief, if you think it's necessary.
16:51But I want you to know I won't be enjoying it.
17:01Smart.
17:04What do you want?
17:05A few answers.
17:07Sorry, but I don't think I'm going to like the questions.
17:10We're missing $68,000.
17:13That's tough. Have you looked behind the sofa cushions?
17:16Beside myself, you're the only one who had access to the safe.
17:22Just what are you getting at?
17:24I'm making a citizen's arrest.
17:34I don't think he was looking. You better hit me again.
17:36Bartender, give me another bottle of old soldier.
17:40Thanks.
17:46Give me another drink. Pull it lower.
17:48Missed it again. Quick, get another bottle.
17:50Wait a minute, Chief. I've got a better idea.
17:52We've got to get his attention.
17:54Let's go down to the other end of the bar.
18:01Bartender, give me a bottle of champagne.
18:04Now, look, Chief.
18:05I'm going to take this bottle and crash it over the end of the bar.
18:08Then I'll threaten you with the jagged edges.
18:10That'll get his attention.
18:14All right, I'm telling you for the last time, get out of here.
18:20Is he looking?
18:22He must be.
18:23Is he looking?
18:25He must be.
18:36Chief.
18:38I think I swallowed my absorbo pill.
18:40What?
18:44You know something, Chief?
18:46You're not half bad.
18:54Then what happened?
18:55You hit him with another bottle while I was ordering a drink.
18:59I hope he hasn't gotten too violent for us to use.
19:03Wake him up.
19:05Wake up. Come on, wake up.
19:08You're among friends.
19:09Oh, Mr. Smart.
19:10I always knew that deep down inside, you were a rat.
19:15Oh, thank you for your confidence.
19:19No!
19:23Well, it looks like your little girlfriend followed you here.
19:26Yeah, we caught her snooping around outside.
19:29What are we going to do with her?
19:31How about giving her a severe reprimand?
19:33She'll have to be disposed of.
19:37How about a stern warning to keep off the premises?
19:40Who's going to do it?
19:42I think it's only just that Mr. Smart have that honor.
19:49Would you go for a severe reprimand and a stern warning?
19:53You don't seem to be very anxious to carry out this assignment.
19:57That's where you're wrong. I'm very anxious to carry out this assignment.
19:59It's just that I can't work with a lot of people looking over my shoulder.
20:03After all, executions are kind of a personal thing with me.
20:08I think all of you gentlemen had better leave the room.
20:17How long is this going to take?
20:20I'll call you when it's over.
20:24Max, I knew you hadn't turned rotten.
20:26You just had to find out the rest of their plan.
20:28Yes, well, it's too late for that now, 99.
20:30I've got to get you out of here.
20:32I don't know how I'm going to do it.
20:33There's only one door and no window.
20:35That's it.
20:36Of course, that's it.
20:37What's it?
20:38There must be a ventilator.
20:39Look.
20:49Max, the noise, though, gets the spirit.
20:51Max, the noise, though, gets suspicious.
20:53You're right. We need something to cover it.
20:56I know.
20:57If they hear a lot of screams, they'll think I'm working you over.
20:59Right.
21:00I'd better use my phonowatch.
21:01Oh.
21:06Give me that scream record from your charm bracelet.
21:21Must be the flip side.
21:33That's it.
21:35Max!
21:36Someone's coming.
21:38We'd better take him at the door.
21:39He'll never get through this anyway.
21:40Right.
21:43What's going on?
21:45No, no, no, no, don't.
21:46I'm not a chaos agent.
21:48Are you a double agent?
21:50So's he.
21:5199, he's lying.
21:52No, I'm not.
21:53The geese fly high.
21:55The frost is on the grass.
21:58Max!
21:59He is.
22:00Sorry about that, fella.
22:02I didn't mean to hit you so hard.
22:03I think you fractured my skull.
22:04It'll heal, it'll heal.
22:09Don't shoot.
22:10The geese fly high.
22:11The frost is on the grass.
22:16The geese fly high.
22:17The frost is on the grass.
22:20The geese fly...
22:24Just a minute.
22:25Who are you guys?
22:27CIA.
22:28Naval Intelligence.
22:30FBI.
22:32Scotland Yard here.
22:34Yes, Scotland Yard.
22:3999, I can't wait to tell the chief about this.
22:42We're really in line for congratulations.
22:44We've just broken the sinister arm of chaos that's threatened the nation's capital.
22:48Max, what about when the chief finds out that we've just wounded four of our own government's top agents?
22:54Well, we don't have to tell the chief everything.
23:09Apparently the real chaos man who started the group died several years ago, chief, and was never replaced.
23:15You've done a good job, Max, and I understand most of them will be out of the hospital within the month.
23:19Sorry about that, chief.
23:21It's all in the line of work, Max.
23:22What about the electronic fly, chief?
23:24Oh, Parker has come up with a new listening device that's even cleverer than the fly.
23:28You ready, Parker?
23:29Yes, chief.
23:30See if you can pick this one out smart, and please be a little more careful this time.
23:34Right, professor.
23:35It's among these objects on the desk.
23:38Now, let's see.
23:41It's not the cigarette lighter, right?
23:42Right.
23:44And, uh, it's not the magazine, right?
23:49Correct.
23:51A fly. You've built another fly.
23:54No, smart, that's a real fly.
23:58Oh. Are you sure it's a fly?
24:02Absolutely.
24:04Well, then I can kill it.
24:10I have a strange feeling it's the light bulb.
24:14What?
24:44What?
25:14What?