Get Smart S01E11 (Too Many Chiefs)
Transcript
00:00Max, I want to show you something.
00:22Don't act surprised.
00:23Oh, no, it's her!
00:25What is it, Max?
00:26It's Tanya.
00:27They've got your picture plastered all over the early morning paper.
00:28Oh, you see.
00:29That's your glorious free press you're always boasting about.
00:30Where's your maximum security now, Mr. Smart?
00:31She's right, Max.
00:32We cannot adequately protect Ms. Lopescu in a public hotel.
00:33Don't be ridiculous, Chief.
00:34I've checked this hotel a dozen times.
00:35I'm telling you, it's absolutely safe.
00:36Come on.
00:37Oh, no, it's her!
00:38Oh, no, it's her!
00:39Oh, no, it's her!
00:40Oh, no, it's her!
00:41Oh, no, it's her!
00:42Oh, no, it's her!
00:43Oh, no, it's her!
00:44Oh, no, it's her!
00:45Oh, no, it's her!
00:46Oh, no, it's her!
00:47Oh, no, it's her!
00:48Oh, no, it's her!
00:49Oh, no, it's her!
00:50Oh, no, it's her!
00:51Oh, no, it's her!
00:52Oh, no, it's her!
00:53Oh, no, it's her!
00:54Oh, no, it's her!
00:55Oh, no, it's her!
00:56Oh, no, it's her!
00:57Oh, no, it's her!
00:58Oh, no, it's her!
00:59Oh, no, it's her!
01:00Oh, no, it's her!
01:01Oh, no, it's her!
01:02Oh, no, it's her!
01:03Oh, no, it's her!
01:04Oh, no, it's her!
01:05Oh, no, it's her!
01:06Oh, no, it's her!
01:07Oh, no, it's her!
01:09I know that, but the bellboy has a gun leveled at the cashier.
01:14Oh, it's all right, because Agent 41, the chambermaid, has the drop on the bellboy.
01:20Since I've never trusted the chambermaid, Agent 48, the elevator operator, has the chambermaid covered.
01:25It's a standoff.
01:26What is that?
01:27Everybody's afraid to shoot for fear he himself will be shot.
01:30Consequently, no one gets hurt.
01:32Let's get Miss Lupescu out of here.
01:39Bang! Bang!
01:44Of course, in a situation like this, all it takes is one wise guy.
02:08Bang!
02:14Bang!
02:23Bang!
02:33Bang!
02:34Bang!
02:54This meeting of chaos is now in session.
02:57Order of business?
02:59The liquidation of Tania Lupescu.
03:03So far, you have failed miserably.
03:06She is still alive and in custody of the control organization.
03:11If she is allowed to live, she will be able to identify in court several of our top executives.
03:20Since you are all such bunglers, I have sent for one of our most talented agents to perform the delicate task of eliminating Miss Lupescu.
03:29That man is Alexei Sebastian.
03:36Max, our experience this morning proves one thing.
03:38It's just too difficult to protect Miss Lupescu in a public hotel.
03:42It takes too many agents.
03:43You're right, Chief.
03:44We've got more men in hotels than Conrad Hilton.
03:48I think I've got something worked out.
03:51See this location I have marked off?
03:53It has front, back, and side exits for extreme mobility.
03:57A minimum number of agents can be planted to give it maximum security.
04:00It's two minutes from the courthouse and it's got a communication set up directly to control headquarters.
04:04That's perfect.
04:07Where is it, Chief?
04:08It's your apartment.
04:09My apartment?
04:10My apartment?
04:14Chief, I can't take a girl to my apartment. What would the neighbors say?
04:17There's no alternative, Max. Besides, it's so obvious it's the last place chaos would think of looking.
04:23But, Chief, it's a bachelor apartment.
04:25Do you know what it's like to have stockings all over the shower rod and clothes all over the floor?
04:30This is an order, 86.
04:33Well, all right, Chief. But you better give me an hour or so.
04:37What for?
04:38Well, I've got to get my stockings off the shower rod and my clothes off the floor.
04:42Max, you've got to gain Tanya Lupescu's confidence.
04:44First of all, you've got to impress her with the fact that until she testifies, her life is in great danger.
04:49Also, you've got to find out anything else she knows about chaos.
04:52Now, here's our procedure.
04:54Wait a minute, Chief.
04:57Isn't this top security?
05:00Yes.
05:02Well, shouldn't we activate the cone of silence?
05:06Max, I've been having a little mechanical difficulty with it lately.
05:09Don't be ridiculous, Chief. The whole thing is so simple.
05:12All you have to do is press this button and turn this lever all the way to the right.
05:17Now, here's our plan.
05:18Hold it, Chief.
05:21Okay, go ahead.
05:22First, you take Tanya to your apartment.
05:25Make sure you're not being followed, except, of course, by our own men.
05:32Meanwhile, I will take 99 disguised as Tanya to a commercial hotel.
05:37We'll register 99 and we'll sneak her out of the hotel, making sure that some armed men stay behind to guard her room as a decoy.
05:45Have you any questions?
05:46No, Chief. I think that just about covers everything.
05:52Oh, God!
06:02All right, Tanya.
06:05I think we can relax now. This apartment is perfectly safe. It's under maximum security.
06:10Who's that?
06:13I don't know.
06:17How do you do? I'm your mutual insurance agent.
06:19Oh, come right in.
06:23Who is he?
06:24Well, I'm not quite sure yet.
06:28Uh-huh. Just as I thought. He's my mutual insurance agent.
06:35All right, fella. Come on. Let's go.
06:38You've probably got a lot of calls to make.
06:40I'm sorry about that.
06:42That's okay. A lot of people feel that way about insurance.
06:46Well, Tanya, why don't you just sit down and relax for a while?
06:49Thank you.
06:52Now, Tanya, I'm wondering, can you give me any information that might help us in trying to protect you?
06:58What do you mean?
06:59When armed men rescued you in Europe and brought you over here, how long were you a prisoner of chaos?
07:04Almost a week.
07:05Now, during that time, did you notice anything about them?
07:10Yes. They left me alone in one of their offices for an hour one day.
07:14I found their code book and was able to memorize their coding system.
07:18Do you consider that important?
07:20Important? Are you kidding? Why, we've been trying to break their code for years.
07:25I don't suppose you still remember it.
07:28Of course I do.
07:30The first vowel after the first syllable of the alphabet is the first letter of the alphabet.
07:35Do you still remember it?
07:36Of course I do.
07:38The first vowel after every second consonant is superimposed on the vowel immediately preceding it in the alphabet.
07:44The first word after every preposition, if it is not introduced by an article or a personal pronoun, is inverted.
07:50The letter T stands for F except after E, Js count for double.
07:54The first number after every second adverb is the third digit after a modifying adjective.
07:59Proper names and countries equal the word marmalade.
08:03Is that it?
08:05It's so simple. No wonder we were never able to crack that code.
08:09That's the way it always is. It's right there under your nose and you never see it.
08:13Marmalade. Of course.
08:17And for two years we've been working on jelly.
08:22If that's all for now, Mr. Smart.
08:24Maxwell.
08:25Maxwell, I do think I would like to get some rest.
08:27Oh, certainly, Tanya. But one thing first.
08:30Uh, now, I don't want to alarm you, but just in case anybody happens to break in here, I'd like to show you a few tricks in self-defense.
08:37Oh.
08:38Now, the first thing is this.
08:39A telephone.
08:41Watch very carefully. You see this trigger here?
08:43You merely press this and then you dial one, one, seven.
08:50Very ingenious.
08:54Now I'm going to attack you.
08:57What?
08:58Nothing to worry about. Just a little judo.
09:01Nobody will get hurt.
09:05Except me.
09:08Well, I hope you remember what you did, Tanya.
09:11Are you all right?
09:12Oh, yes, of course. We're trained to take falls.
09:15You know, most of you Americans are so soft.
09:18That's because you put such unnecessary emphasis on physical comfort like luxury or love.
09:25Love?
09:26Yes, love.
09:27That's all you seem to talk about, about glamour, sex appeal, about hugging and kissing.
09:32Well, that's not true, Tanya. I hardly ever talk about those things.
09:36Why, I haven't talked about hugging or kissing in weeks.
09:39Mr. Smart.
09:40Maxwell.
09:41Maxwell.
09:42Max.
09:43Max.
09:44Could you honestly tell me that you don't think about that right now?
09:48That you would not like to kiss me?
09:50Well, uh...
09:52Well, let's do it and get it over with.
09:54I will show you how little it means.
10:07Well, I think I'd like to unpack my room if you'll just show me to my back.
10:21Okay, Max, everything's going according to plan.
10:23I'm going to relieve you now and you're to report to the chief immediately.
10:26It's...
10:30It's an emergency.
10:33Oh, this.
10:35Well, it's really nothing, 99.
10:37I was just showing Tanya a little judo.
10:41It must have been pretty rough. I think she broke your lip.
10:47That'll be all for now, Kate 13. Stand by for further orders.
10:51What's up, chief?
10:54Thank you, Fang.
10:56It's trouble.
10:57We've just found out where the threat to Tanya Lopescu's life will come from.
11:01Alexei Sebastian, the master executioner of chaos, is reported in this country.
11:05Alexei Sebastian?
11:07Yes.
11:08The man has never failed an assignment.
11:10No matter how closely guarded a subject may be,
11:12Sebastian has always managed to get to him through one of his extraordinary disguises.
11:17Come with me.
11:20I want to show you some slides, Max.
11:22Gee, chief, I hope it's not your Cumberland gap trip again.
11:25I just saw that last week.
11:37Do you know who that is?
11:38Of course. That's Senator Farfan.
11:40Wrong. That's Alexei Sebastian.
11:43Isn't that Fred Giles, the tennis champion?
11:46Nope. Sebastian again.
11:48Hmm. Nice forehand.
11:51Max, Sebastian is so dangerous, we consider him to be a 101.
11:54A 101? Shoot on recognition?
11:56Right.
12:01Oh. I know him. That's Johnny Carson. I watch his show all the time.
12:05Sebastian. He did the Tonight Show for two weeks before they found out.
12:13Oh, no, chief. Not my Aunt Rose.
12:16That's him again. You're quite a shock, doesn't it?
12:18Not half as much of a shock as it's going to give Harry.
12:21Who's Harry?
12:22My uncle.
12:27Which one of them is Sebastian?
12:29We still don't know.
12:32Chief, that man is absolutely fantastic. How are we ever going to trap him?
12:36Well, he has one physical characteristic that he can't conceal. Weak eyes.
12:40Weak eyes?
12:41Yes. When exposed to bright lights, he blinks excessively.
12:45But if Sebastian can be all of those people, then he can be anybody.
12:48Why, he could be one of us.
12:50Gentlemen, as we suspected, they had taken Miss Lepescu to Maxwell Smart's apartment.
12:57The other girl was just a decoy.
13:01Now I have the pleasure of introducing the man who will be able to penetrate their defenses and kill Miss Lepescu.
13:09Gentlemen, the world's foremost master in disguise.
13:14Alexei Sebastian.
13:28Well, anyway, Chief, I think we should strengthen our security measures.
13:31Absolutely, but we'll need a countersign so that when I come to your apartment later to question Tanya, we'll know we're not speaking to imposters.
13:37Just to be on the safe side, Chief, why don't we use a double countersign?
13:41Good idea.
13:45Oh, here's a good one. I'll say the migrating birds fly low over the sea. You say shadeless windows admit no light.
13:52Then I'll say the wingless dove protects his nest, and you say the toothless tiger rules a restless jungle. Have you got that?
13:57Right, Chief.
13:58All right, let's try it. The migrating birds fly low over the sea.
14:01The restless jungle admits no shade.
14:04No, Max. No, I have the restless jungle, and you have the shadeless windows and the wingless doves.
14:08Oh, I thought you had the wingless doves, and I had the shade.
14:12Well, how about this for a double countersign, Chief? You say, hello, Max, and I say, hi, Chief, and you say...
14:18Smart. It's on this card. Memorize it. And remember, Alexei Sebastian can impersonate anyone.
14:26Anyone?
14:27Anyone. The only two we're sure of are you and me.
14:31There are three of us in this room, Chief.
14:36You mean...
14:38It's F-A-N-G.
14:41Max, that's impossible.
14:43Nothing is impossible with Sebastian.
14:46Let's put him to a little test.
14:51That spang all right, Chief. No other secret agent in the world can run that fast.
14:5799, we've got to be extra careful.
15:00Alexei Sebastian, the master impersonator, has been hired by Chaos to get Tanya.
15:04The man is incredible. Why, he could be impersonating anybody.
15:06Right. Chief called just after you left to make sure everything was all right.
15:10How did you know it was the Chief?
15:11He gave me the double countersign.
15:13Oh. What was it?
15:16Migrating birds fly low over the sea, shadeless windows admit no light, the wingless dove protects its nest, and the tiger rules the restless jungle.
15:24Wrong. The toothless tiger.
15:27Oh, Maxie. I thought I heard you come in.
15:30I will be right down after I take my shower.
15:33I hope you don't mind my borrowing your towel.
15:37Well, to tell you the truth, Tanya, that's my favorite towel.
15:41You can use it.
15:46For a while.
15:51Well, good night, 99.
15:53Oh, I'm staying, Max.
15:55Oh, I'm staying, Max. We can take turns watching.
15:58Well, there's really no need for that, 99. I think I can handle the situation.
16:02I'm going to make some coffee. It's going to be a long night.
16:06No, that's all right, Max. I can make the coffee.
16:09You seem to forget that I'm a woman, too.
16:11Besides, remember the coffee I made for you last week?
16:16How about some tea?
16:18I'll make the coffee, 99.
16:26The migrating birds fly low over the sea.
16:28Shadeless windows admit no light.
16:30The wingless dove protects his nest.
16:32The toothless tiger rules the restless jungle.
16:34Chief, is it really you?
16:39I guess you want to interrogate our gay defector.
16:41That's right.
16:42Come on. She's upstairs.
16:5699, why don't you answer the...
17:04Oh, hi, Chief. Come on in.
17:06I guess you're here to question the girl.
17:08That's right, Max.
17:09Uh, Chief, you forgot the countersign.
17:12The old countersign or the new countersign?
17:15New countersign?
17:17Yes. I say apples, you say Macintosh.
17:20Macintosh.
17:22Yes. I say apples, you say Macintosh.
17:25Oh.
17:26Chief?
17:27The countersign.
17:29Apples.
17:30Macintosh.
17:32The girl's upstairs, Chief.
17:34Max, would you fix me a drink?
17:36Oh, sure, Chief.
17:38Come on over to the bar. Pick out anything you like.
17:41Uh, how about some bourbon?
17:43That's fine.
17:45Tonya, the Chief wants to talk to you as soon as you're dressed.
17:48I will be out in a few minutes.
17:51It's been a trying day, 99.
17:53What's the matter, Chief? Is your ulcer acting up again?
17:55I'm afraid so. I wonder if I could trouble you for a glass of buttermilk. That usually helps.
17:59Of course, Chief.
18:05How about this, Chief?
18:06Fine. Fix it for me.
18:12Oh, Chief, I just broke a nail. Could you help me get the top off the buttermilk, please?
18:20Thank you.
18:29Oh, Chief.
18:30Max.
18:31Here's your drink.
18:33Oh, thank you.
18:39It's not buttermilk.
18:40You bet your sweet life it isn't.
18:45Max, did you leave this door open?
18:47I don't think so, Chief. I better check the corridor.
18:49No, I'll check the corridor.
18:56Oh, Maxie.
18:58Yes, Tonya, what is it?
18:59Do you have a bathrobe?
19:01I certainly hope not.
19:05Look for one anyway.
19:08Now drink it all down, Chief. It'll make you feel much better.
19:13Look, someone left the door open.
19:16There.
19:19Well, I think Tonya should be out of the shower by now.
19:22I don't think I'll need you. I can question Tonya myself.
19:24Chief, you know control's rule on interrogation.
19:27Never interrogate a female suspect without another agent present.
19:31Who made that rule?
19:32Your wife.
19:36This buttermilk has left a bitter taste in my mouth. Pour me a little bourbon, will you?
19:39Bourbon, Chief?
19:40Bourbon.
19:41Right, Chief.
19:46Bourbon.
19:58Chief, what are you doing out there?
20:00Checking the corridor, but somebody locked me outside.
20:03Oh, Chief, you've got to try to relax.
20:06I just don't think my ulcer is going to survive this night. Here, let me have that buttermilk.
20:09But, Chief, that's...
20:15Chief!
20:21Bourbon again! Does bourbon sound like buttermilk? Get me some buttermilk!
20:25Right, Chief.
20:27How long do you think she'll be?
20:29I'll check it out, Chief.
20:34Tonya?
20:36Yes, Maxi?
20:38Uh, how long will you be there?
20:41Five minutes.
20:46How long will she be?
20:47About five minutes, Chief.
20:49Tell her to hurry up.
20:51Right, Chief.
20:55Tonya?
20:56Yes, Maxi?
20:58How long will you be now?
21:00Four minutes and thirty seconds.
21:04Do you have enough towels?
21:06Yes.
21:07Oh.
21:08What do you have to do to get a glass of buttermilk?
21:10Thank you, 99.
21:11What do you have to do to get a glass of buttermilk?
21:13Thank you, 99.
21:19She'll just be a minute, Chief.
21:21Get me a drink, will you, Max?
21:23Right, Chief.
21:26Oh, thanks, Chief.
21:29Here you are, Chief.
21:30Here you are, Chief.
21:40All right, hold it. Don't anybody move.
21:42Kill him. He's Alexei Sebastian.
21:44Kill him, Max. He's an imposter.
21:46Wait a minute.
21:48There's something funny going on around here.
21:51Well.
21:53So ends the career of Alexei Sebastian.
21:57An ugly customer, if I ever saw one.
22:02Sorry about that, Chief.
22:05What on earth happened?
22:07Alexei Sebastian has just played his last role.
22:10But, Max, how did you know he was the imposter?
22:13I don't know, Chief.
22:15But, Max, how did you know he was the imposter?
22:17But, Max, how did you know he was the imposter?
22:20Well, it was really quite simple, Chief.
22:22You see, I remembered that Sebastian had weak eyes.
22:25So I merely took this lamp and flashed it in his eyes.
22:31Uh-oh.
22:34I may have made a terrible mistake.
22:39If this is the real Chief,
22:42you're in a lot of trouble, fella.
22:48Well, with Sebastian out of the way,
22:50I think we can all get a good night's rest.
22:52He ought to get a long prison term for attempted murder.
22:55Yes, I think we've got him this time.
22:57The trouble before has always been with witnesses.
22:59Since nobody knew what he really looks like,
23:01nobody was able to positively identify him.
23:03That's right.
23:05If we were asked to identify him,
23:07we'd say he looked like our Chief.
23:09On the other hand, they could say our Chief
23:11looked like a fiendish international killer.
23:13Smart.
23:15Well, there are two ways of looking at it, Chief.
23:18Well, like the Chief says,
23:20I think we should all get a good night's sleep.
23:22By the way, where's Miss Lupescu?
23:24Uh, well, she went up to bed already.
23:26She has to be up early in the morning for the trial.
23:28Where are you going to sleep?
23:30Well, I'll just bunk out here on the couch someplace, Chief.
23:32I think someone should be here all the time
23:34to see that Tanya's safe.
23:36Oh, I don't mind staying, Max.
23:38Uh, no, no, no, no. That's quite all right, 99.
23:40Well, call us a cab then, Max, will you?
23:42Call us a cab?
23:44Oh, right, Chief.
23:45You look tired.
23:47Yes, well, I do feel a little tired, Chief,
23:49but I'll just slip into my pajamas
23:51and get some sleep.
23:53Good night, Maxie.
23:55Ah!
23:58I think 99 ought to stay here tonight.
24:0086, you, come on home with me.
24:04Sorry about that, Max.
24:06Good night, Maxie.
24:15Good night, Max.
24:45Good night, Max.