Muffin Top - A Love Story Full
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00:00You're running out of time to get these buns in your oven, Cookie.
00:06Statistically speaking, the day you turn 40, your chances drop by half.
00:10Boom!
00:11You know, I called over to the lab, and they haven't received your husband's sperm yet.
00:16Five more days, we're gonna have to freeze those eggs.
00:19What's his big problem, anyway?
00:21He's very busy.
00:22Big TV executive can't find the time to jerk off?
00:25I thought that's what they're best at.
00:29Well, you better get a jar, and you better drive it to the lab yourself.
00:32Get on the stick, sister.
00:34Okay, I'll do it.
00:40You can't just drop by the office for a jar of sperm.
00:43I'm taking the week off so that I could get knocked up and so that I could neuter the dog.
00:47Look, honey, I get that the hormone shots are making you moody.
00:51Moody?
00:52Do you realize that I have gained one pound for every single day this week?
00:56Look, sweetheart, a man in my position can't just jerk off in an equal opportunity workplace.
01:02I have a private bathroom. What's that for?
01:04Michael.
01:05It's not for that.
01:06Oh, hey, speak of the devil.
01:08Oh, I'm sorry.
01:12Oh, I'm sorry.
01:13Don't worry, I was just telling my wife about what a great place this is to work.
01:17You know, that equal pay for equal work and blah, blah, blah.
01:23Jessica's in reality.
01:24Right, we have some awesome new shows.
01:26Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
01:27Wow.
01:28Well, so this has been great.
01:30Jessica, thanks very much, and I'll be with you shortly.
01:34Oh, sure, sorry, thanks.
01:37Nice to meet you.
01:38Nice to meet you.
01:39Super cute dog.
01:40I like his little outfit.
01:45She couldn't be more adorable.
01:49I don't even know why we're in couples therapy today.
01:52We're actually really happy.
01:53It's just that I'm trying to get pregnant, and we just sort of thought, you know, we'd come in and do a little preventative something.
02:01You know, I mean, it's not like we really have any issues.
02:03It's probably just a waste of time.
02:06Well, Suzanne, as you know.
02:08Oh, my God.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:10You're leaving me.
02:13You're leaving me.
02:14You're leaving me.
02:15He's leaving me.
02:16He's leaving me.
02:17You're leaving me.
02:18We've talked about these hormone-induced mood swings you've been having.
02:22This is not a hormone-induced mood swing.
02:23This is how he fires people.
02:25I've heard him do it on the phone.
02:26He says he's praying.
02:27I know, I know, I know, I know.
02:28Please sit down so we can work through this.
02:30Oh, my God.
02:31Michael, would you like to address about what Suzanne just said about you leaving her?
02:37Could you please address that?
02:41Oh, I'm leaving her.
02:42I decided months ago, but that's why I wanted to freeze the eggs.
02:45I'm really the practical one in the relationship.
02:47When she goes back on the marketplace, she can either get fertilized by a sperm donor or an ex-partner.
02:53It's really for her.
02:54I realize I'm not going to get any credit for that, and I'm actually fine with that.
02:58Oh, I can't hear this anymore.
02:59Suzanne, could you please sit down again so we can address this before we can move on?
03:05Hey, Suzanne, I wanted you to hear this from me.
03:08I'm getting married to Jessica.
03:10You met her.
03:11Oh, and also, she's pregnant.
03:13Okay, bye.
03:14Sherry, who's on three?
03:16I thought we were.
03:19Hi.
03:20Hi.
03:21Wow, I always really did admire you.
03:23When I was an undergraduate, I actually took your class.
03:26Then you took my husband.
03:30Then you took my husband.
03:35Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:37Hey, hey.
03:38Cut it out.
03:39Give me that.
03:40Cut it out.
03:41Give me that.
03:42Give me that.
03:43Give me that.
03:44Give me that.
03:46Please, just move in.
03:47Where are you anyway?
03:48I am sitting in my $400 baby jogger with Boo Boo,
03:54trying to teach him how to like it so that we can go jogging together.
03:57Okay, that's it.
03:59You're moving in.
04:02Honey, I had to.
04:03I love Suzanne.
04:04I know.
04:05She's got her dog in a baby stroller.
04:09I found this awesome dating service called It's Just Drinks.
04:13You're not serious.
04:14You're not serious.
04:15It is.
04:16It's just drinks.
04:17Terrible idea.
04:18It's a great idea.
04:19I already signed us up and paid for us both.
04:21We are not doing it.
04:22You are married.
04:23Look, I just want to check out what my current market value is
04:26when I'm not driving a minivan covered in My Little Pony stickers.
04:30Okay, and Barnaby, he's super cool with that.
04:32Oh, I'm sure he's very cool.
04:33He is super cool with anything that gets me to shave above the knee.
04:36All right?
04:37All right, well, that I can believe.
04:39Let's mix, mingle, and remember, it's just drinks.
04:44You're a car salesman.
04:45That's awesome.
04:46Good for you.
04:47What will it take for you to say yes to sleeping with me tonight?
04:55Huh?
04:57I don't know.
04:58How about a tsunami?
05:00What are you driving these days?
05:02I'm driving a Ford.
05:06Thank you.
05:07Suzanne sounds European.
05:08You should be in a European car.
05:09That's just saying.
05:10Well, thank you.
05:11I'll call you in two years when my lease is up, okay?
05:13Thank you.
05:15We're getting a divorce.
05:17He gets the house and I get the coffee shop, I guess.
05:20Wow.
05:21I hope you guys can stay friends.
05:22You know, you're both really nice people.
05:26He cheated on me.
05:27I never liked him.
05:31You have a little thing.
05:33What?
05:35Michael never tells me when I have a chocolate mustache
05:38or when he's impregnating his coworkers.
05:41Sorry.
05:42That might have been more than you wanted to know.
05:48I keep telling her she just has to go out there
05:50and get that first time over with.
05:52I actually say that sex after a breakup is like the first waffle.
05:56You know, if it's no good, you throw it out.
05:58But it gets the iron ready for the other waffles.
06:02My iron is ready.
06:03I've been spraying it with non-stick hormones.
06:06If I were in your shoes, I'd do it with one of the old
06:095,000 smoking hot young men on that campus.
06:12A student?
06:13The simple fact is there is no human more grateful
06:16than a 20-something-year-old man you just slept with.
06:20Hey, I got the inside perspective on that one.
06:22Hello.
06:23Oh, hon.
06:24I don't think this drinking thing is going to work out for you.
06:30Listen, people usually go out for coffee on the first date,
06:34but you and I have had coffee like a ridiculous amount of times.
06:38Plus, I saved you from drinking your own pee,
06:40which I think should count for something.
06:42So, I was wondering...
06:48Could I cook dinner for you at my place?
06:51Could I cook dinner for you at my place?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Okay.
06:55Good.
06:56So, when did Jared start serving waffles in that coffee shop?
07:01First waffle.
07:03Shut up.
07:04He's like, what, 12?
07:05No, I think he's 30.
07:07And I can't believe you are going to a tranny for a sex makeover.
07:11Shut up.
07:14Now, quality lingerie is to 40-year-old sex.
07:17Whatever you can do to get your hair big, do it.
07:20Okay.
07:21Now, as for the boobs, we're going to kick it up a notch
07:25with these chicken cutlets.
07:29Hold that.
07:30Let me get these girls in here.
07:32Hello, mama.
07:34Wow.
07:35I know.
07:36I know it's cold, honey, but look.
07:38Bam.
07:39Maximum firepower right there.
07:42Yo, and the most important part, here you go.
07:44Spread them.
07:45There's a pee flap.
07:46Hello.
07:47Check it out.
07:48Okay.
07:49It's very handy.
07:50I don't know.
07:51It's a lot to remember.
07:52I just don't...
07:53I don't think I can do this.
07:54Oh, of course you can.
07:55And you know what?
07:56I made you a checklist.
07:57Do not take off the heels and do not take off the bustier.
08:00What if he asks me to?
08:01You tell him no.
08:02Believe me, it's not a deal breaker for him.
08:04Bam.
08:06You're really pretty.
08:08Do you mind if I say that?
08:09No.
08:22Oh, I, um, sorry.
08:24I have to, uh, I just have to go to the bathroom.
08:26Oh, okay.
08:27Yeah, okay.
08:28It's right there.
08:33Okay.
08:47Jesus.
09:03Hey.
09:04Wait.
09:05Are you okay?
09:06Yeah, no, I'm good.
09:07I'll be out.
09:08I'll just be out in a minute.
09:09One second.
09:12Come on.
09:30Oh, my God.
09:31Oh, my God.
09:45What?
09:46Oh, God.
09:47Oh, there's something.
09:48It's a hair thing.
09:50I got it.
09:51Let me get it.
09:52I got it.
09:53It's a hair thing.
09:54It's supposed to make my hair big.
09:57Thank you.
09:58Girls, it's like a hair toy.
09:59That's fine.
10:00It's weird.
10:01It's not weird.
10:02I'm sorry.
10:03Hey.
10:04Let's take this off.
10:05No.
10:06No.
10:07Um.
10:08Okay.
10:09I'm sorry.
10:10It's not weird.
10:11I would rather...
10:12It's fucked now.
10:13I like it.
10:14Oh my god.
10:15Come on.
10:16Oh.
10:17Oh.
10:18You know what?
10:19Let's go under the covers.
10:20I'm really, really cold.
10:21Okay?
10:22Okay.
10:23Oh.
10:24Oh god.
10:25Oh my god.
10:26Get over here.
10:27There's something.
10:28There's something that might be alive in here.
10:29What?
10:30What?
10:31There's something that might be alive.
10:32Shh.
10:33What is it?
10:34Don't move.
10:35Don't move.
10:36Shh.
10:37Oh god.
10:38Oh.
10:39Oh god.
10:40Oh, oh god.
10:41Oh.
10:42Oh.
10:43Oh god.
10:44Oh.
10:45Oh.
10:46Oh.
10:47Oh.
10:48Oh.
10:49Oh.
10:50Oh.
10:51Oh.
10:52What is it?
10:53Oh, God!
10:54What is it?
10:55It's a boob thing.
10:56It's my boob thing.
10:57I just...
10:58Wait, wait, what's a...
10:59It's a fake boob thing.
11:00I wouldn't...
11:01Why do you have a fake boob thing?
11:02You're pretty awesome.
11:03Stupid!
11:04God, I'm an idiot.
11:05You know what?
11:06I'm just...
11:07I'm just not ready for this.
11:08I just feel stupid and old.
11:09Oh, God.
11:10Oh, God.
11:11Oh, God.
11:12Oh, God.
11:13Oh, God.
11:14Oh, God.
11:15Oh, God.
11:16Oh, God.
11:17Oh, God.
11:18Oh, God.
11:19Oh, God.
11:20Oh, God.
11:22You're not old.
11:23Hey.
11:24You don't need all this shit.
11:28I mean, it's...
11:29I liked it.
11:30I mean, it's actually pretty cool, but, it's kinda...
11:32It just...
11:33It freaked me out.
11:35It felt like an alien heart.
11:40I'm sorry.
11:41I just...
11:42You know what it is.
11:43I...
11:44I just really have not had sex with anyone except my husband for, like, a decade.
11:48Hey, I have an idea.
11:59What?
12:00What?
12:01Shut up.
12:02Just lie down.
12:03Stay there.
12:04Oh, you know what?
12:05You know what?
12:06You don't have to.
12:07Shh.
12:08I like it.
12:09Okay?
12:10Actually, I love it.
12:12And I'm really good at it.
12:20Like really good at it.
12:20So just relax.
12:21Oh.
12:22Oh, yes you are.
12:23Hey, wanna go get some ice cream?
12:24Yes.
12:25I have some in my freezer.
12:26Sweet, let's do it.
12:27Let's go, let's go.
12:28I hope you like mint chocolate chip.
12:37Let's go. Let's go.
12:39I hope you like mint chocolate chip.
12:41So I have to call in an early night.
12:43I got finals.
12:45You're not a student. What are you talking about?
12:47I'm getting my
12:49MBA through Malibu Beach
12:51Extension, so. Really?
12:55Hey, are you like a
12:57big fan of that actress Marsha Wallace?
12:59I mean, so does. She's my mom.
13:01So.
13:03So really? Yeah.
13:05That's funny.
13:07She actually told me to sleep with a student. She probably didn't mean you.
13:11My mom said that? Yeah.
13:13That's funny.
13:17Jared, you home?
13:19Oh, hi, doll.
13:29Well, now, isn't this
13:31awkward? I'm probably gonna go
13:33change tonight. I would.
13:35Thank you so much.
13:39Not another word.
13:53God.
13:55It's like a horror movie.
13:57Revenge of the Chocolate or something.
14:03Muffin top,
14:05muffin top, you've got
14:07a muffin top, muffin top.
14:11Sit. There you are.
14:13Now, the key
14:15to weight loss is within our own
14:17bodies. You see, your
14:19mind manufactured your
14:21fat.
14:23Honestly, I think I manufactured it with
14:25hormone injections and M&M's.
14:27You don't have to talk anymore.
14:29Just lift up your shirt.
14:31I don't want to talk to that fat of yours
14:33face to face. Oh, I just don't really...
14:35Just lift it up. I've seen lots of this kind of thing.
14:37Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
14:39Please pull that down. Now,
14:43I need you to mail me
14:45your stool sample in this envelope.
14:47It is self-sealing. Do not do as many
14:49people do and lick it.
14:51And this right here,
14:53these are your supplements.
14:57Come on, you son of a bitch.
15:01Okay.
15:05Oh, Jesus.
15:07Here, let me. No, no.
15:09I'm so sorry.
15:11That was so weird.
15:13I have this thing where, like, if I don't
15:15see it go in, I just
15:17gaslight myself, like this
15:19old black and white movie.
15:21Where Charles Boyer tries
15:23to make Ingrid Bergman think she's crazy.
15:25Yes. I love that movie.
15:27Me too.
15:29It's just some stupid crap.
15:31I have to send it. I'm treating it like it's gold.
15:33Did it go in there? Am I crazy?
15:35Yeah, it's just
15:37crap.
15:39Thank you.
15:41You're welcome.
15:43See ya.
15:49I gotta go.
15:51Okay.
15:53Bye. Bye.
15:59Okay.
16:01I'm getting
16:03liposuction. I know it's stupid.
16:05I know I don't need it.
16:07I just
16:09want it.
16:11I just want it. I want it the way
16:13a middle-aged man wants
16:15a Mercedes Benz.
16:19So what do you think?
16:21So what do you think?
16:23You had me at, I'm getting liposuction.
16:25Did you
16:27get my message?
16:29I just want to do
16:31the Angelina husband
16:33stealing lip.
16:35You can take the fat
16:37that you are going to take directly
16:39out of my butt
16:41and you can put it into my lips
16:43so that
16:45people can actually
16:47kiss my ass.
16:49Did I tell you
16:51that the woman
16:53that stole my husband
16:55has those
16:57lips.
16:59They're beautiful.
17:01Okay.
17:03I'm going to give you a temporary injection
17:05into your lips of saline.
17:07That is going to give you the proof
17:09that you're talking about.
17:11It's temporary.
17:15Hey, Suze.
17:17Did you forget you're speaking
17:19on a panel today?
17:21I called the doctor
17:23and she said that it's just an allergic reaction
17:25to the lidocaine
17:27in the saline solution
17:29and that you need to worry about a thing
17:31because it's going to go down.
17:33It's going to go down.
17:37Oh my God!
17:41It worked!
17:43Not today, but
17:45it will go down.
17:47Okay, here.
17:49What?
17:51Hunter!
17:53Look at this.
17:55What?
17:57No one's going to say anything.
17:59It's racist.
18:01She said it was
18:03only going to be temporary.
18:05No, it is temporary.
18:07Actually, I just want you to shut up.
18:11Oh my God, what happened to you?
18:13Linda, we're having
18:15a little nip-tuck situation.
18:17Didn't you get my message?
18:19The professor is going to set you up with.
18:21He's here.
18:23He's on the panel.
18:25Just don't talk.
18:27It's a panel. She has to talk.
18:33Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
18:35Dr. Cameron Scott.
18:37Cameron Scott, this is Suzanne.
18:43Here, let me.
18:45No, no.
18:49Thank you.
18:57Jane Austen,
18:59arguably the most widely read
19:01English novelist in history,
19:03never actually put her name
19:05on her work because
19:11writing novels was considered vulgar.
19:13As a woman.
19:15Every single one of her books was published
19:17in English.
19:19Suzanne,
19:21what are your thoughts?
19:27Women writers
19:29have been completely ignored.
19:33Cut it out.
19:35I'm not trying to be
19:37funny, I just
19:39think that
19:41I'm stuck.
19:43Why are you laughing?
19:47Your viral
19:49video has 5 million views.
19:51Awesome.
19:53No, Andrea, it is not
19:55awesome. Go clean your room, go
19:57read a dictionary. I hate you.
19:59Good. That's what I was going for.
20:01You know, Suzanne, I
20:03found this in your room and
20:05I was just wondering, is there something
20:07you want to tell me?
20:09You know what? It's a weight loss.
20:11Oh, it is?
20:13It is.
20:15Hang on.
20:17Oh, God.
20:19It's Hayes, my attorney. We're closing this thing.
20:21Hi.
20:23What?
20:25Are you kidding me?
20:27Are you kidding me?
20:29What?
20:31What did he say?
20:33After I gave on the 401k? Are you kidding me?
20:35What?
20:37Listen, I have an agent here. Hang on one second.
20:39Michael
20:41wants his money back.
20:43Michael wants his fancy
20:45blender back, and if he doesn't
20:47get it back, he's going to go for dog custody.
20:49He cannot have Boo-Boo. We will fight this.
20:51Okay.
20:53He says that for sure he would get half-time custody.
20:55Hayes, fine.
20:57Screw it. Just close it.
20:59Let him have it.
21:01He's not getting my dog.
21:03Oh, God. I can't believe it.
21:05I will get the blender
21:07to him.
21:09I'll make sure he gets it.
21:13Hi.
21:15Hi.
21:17I knew you were going to cheat on me.
21:19I knew you were going to cheat on me.
21:21What?
21:23Oh.
21:25Yeah, I did cheat on you.
21:27Listen, I'm really sorry.
21:29I get it. I get it.
21:31We're not going to date.
21:33But I wanted to say
21:35I'm sorry, though, for that scene with my mom.
21:37Oh, wow.
21:39She's very dramatic.
21:41Mm-hmm.
21:43And she's an actress, so what are you going to do?
21:47I really enjoyed it.
21:49You.
21:51Me, too.
21:53I thought so, you know,
21:55based on your reaction at the time.
21:57I don't see why we can't be friends.
21:59Plus,
22:01you must be jonesing for a decent latte.
22:03I mean, no other barista
22:05can satisfy you the way I can.
22:07That is
22:09true.
22:11Thank you very much, and thank you.
22:13Okay, look, I don't care what it costs.
22:15It has to be delivered upright
22:17and only to Michael Nicholson.
22:21It's a very special package
22:23for a very special person.
22:25Enjoy, you douchebag.
22:29My mom's called me like five times.
22:31Really?
22:33I'm just going to ignore her.
22:35Okay, but you did get a big bouquet of flowers
22:37from the Cheswick Fair magazine
22:39saying congrats on the viral video.
22:41It's not a little bouquet.
22:43It's a big bouquet.
22:45It's a big bouquet.
22:47It's a big bouquet.
22:49It's a big bouquet.
22:51It's a big bouquet.
22:53Congrats on the viral video.
22:55It's not a little bouquet.
22:57But they're gorgeous.
22:59Oh, also, Michael called again.
23:01He's having really piss.
23:03Oh, Jesus.
23:07Hi.
23:11Hi.
23:13You are sick, Suzanne.
23:15You need professional help.
23:17I'll have you know I've taken out a restraining order.
23:19Against my fat?
23:21You know what? Knock yourself out.
23:23God.
23:25Jesus.
23:27Oh, I can smell it.
23:29Oh!
23:31Elba!
23:33Clean this shit up!
23:35So did Michael get his little gift package?
23:37Yeah.
23:39Good one, Kim.
23:41He's filing a restraining order on me, okay?
23:43Um, and, uh, uh,
23:45I have bigger problems
23:47than you provoking my ex.
23:49Marsha Wallace is actually stalking me.
23:51What?
23:53I'm not kidding.
23:55I have to go. I have to go. Bye. Bye.
24:13Oh!
24:19Oh!
24:21Suzanne. Hi.
24:23It's Cameron. Cameron Scott.
24:25Yeah.
24:27I almost didn't recognize you.
24:29Not my crazy clown lips.
24:31I do like these better.
24:33I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
24:35I'm really sorry.
24:37Sorry.
24:39I guess that's taken care of.
24:41Listen.
24:43I was wondering if
24:45you'd like to have dinner with me.
24:47Insert lame excuse here.
24:49Sorry?
24:51Men always make some lame excuse
24:53for why they're asking
24:55a pretty woman out to dinner.
24:57Like seeing that it's a solar eclipse
24:59or something.
25:01So I thought I'd maximize my chances
25:03and let you pick the lame excuse.
25:05I'd love to spend time with you.
25:07Yes. Oh, yeah. I'd love to.
25:09Really? Yeah.
25:11Great.
25:13When are you free?
25:15Are you parked under this building?
25:17Yes.
25:19Okay, this is gonna sound really weird,
25:21but I'm being stalked by a sitcom star
25:23and I could really use a ride.
25:25I hate when that happens.
25:27Sure, let's go.
25:29I don't know where, but let's go.
25:31Yeah.
25:35Wow.
25:37You'll do a lot to get away
25:39from a beloved TV icon
25:41whose kids you've shattered.
25:43He's not a kid.
25:45He's 22.
25:47Oh, God.
25:49Why did I tell you?
25:51I'm glad you did.
25:53I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of that.
25:55Really?
25:57Is that what you think?
25:59That's what I hope.
26:03What I'm wondering is
26:05if I'm the rebound guy
26:07from the rebound guy,
26:09what are my chances?
26:11How scary is your mom?
26:13She's five feet.
26:15You can take her.
26:17Okay.
26:19Then we're good.
26:21I just had a great idea.
26:23What?
26:25How do you feel about weddings?
26:27What?
26:29How do you feel about weddings?
26:31Oh, God.
26:33Kind of like how boat people
26:35feel about boats.
26:37It's just that
26:39tomorrow I'm supposed to go to my
26:41ex-wife's new husband's pregnant
26:43daughter's wedding.
26:45I was wondering if you'd want to be my date.
26:49No.
26:51You can meet my whole crew
26:53including my snarly,
26:55body-sprayed teenage son, Ian.
26:57That sounds deeply
26:59unappealing.
27:01Oh, my God.
27:05My divorce is ridiculously
27:07friendly.
27:09And my
27:11ex-wife's new husband
27:13worries that I'm lonely.
27:15Oh, my God.
27:17Well,
27:19I guess you think that just because
27:21I'm naked, I'm the kind of girl
27:23you can take to a wedding on a second date.
27:25The thing is,
27:27I don't even have anything to wear to a wedding.
27:29The bride is
27:31eight months' fun. Trust me.
27:33It's not that formal.
27:35Okay.
27:37Fine. Okay.
27:39Thank you.
27:49It's just great how you all are
27:51so friendly with each other.
27:53Cameron moved to Boston when I had some business there.
27:55Trevor's a big success in the profit business.
27:57And Ruth and I
27:59came here when he got his professorship.
28:01It's better for Ian,
28:03you know, if we're all together.
28:05Ugh.
28:07This wedding is so gay.
28:11In this instance, gay means lame.
28:13Dad,
28:15no one says lame.
28:17Lame is gay.
28:19I'm so sorry.
28:21It's being dreadful.
28:23I have to keep reminding myself
28:25that I'm always in there somewhere.
28:27You're an actually nice man,
28:29aren't you?
28:31I think so.
28:33Is that unattractive?
28:35No.
28:37What we have to do now is to find someone
28:39for Cameron, you know,
28:41so that he doesn't feel like such a third wheel
28:43when we go on holiday together.
28:45Trevor has a private jet.
28:47No, no, I just lease one.
28:49Does the trick.
28:51Wouldn't it be wonderful, darling,
28:53How long has it been, Cameron?
28:5544 hours
28:57and 9 minutes.
28:59Probably a bit early to say yet,
29:01but here's to the success.
29:03Cheers.
29:05No pressure.
29:07It's really just almost scary
29:09how nice you people are to each other.
29:11Well, the fact that there's been a divorce
29:13doesn't mean to say there's got to be any unpleasantness.
29:15Really?
29:17That was
29:19not my experience.
29:23Hey.
29:35Hey, it's Elise.
29:37You have to see
29:39our boss's latest video.
29:41Devorah is so crazy.
29:43Oh, and don't forget
29:45tonight we have to do her creepy cable
29:47access show.
29:49I really don't trust
29:51a feminist who wears red lipstick.
29:53Why would you paint
29:55an orifice?
29:57And who can take
29:59what comes out of a painted orifice
30:01seriously?
30:03Women are manipulated.
30:05Read man-ipulated.
30:07Think about the Washington Monument.
30:09Now that's just an enormous
30:11phallus.
30:13If we had an
30:15Eleanor Roosevelt tunnel,
30:17we would have had a woman president
30:19years ago.
30:21Malibu Beach University
30:23Women's Studies Department presents
30:25Feminist Television.
30:29With today's guest, actress
30:31Marsha Wallace from The Simpsons.
30:33Fashion stylist Christine
30:35Jensen from Project CoverGirl.
30:37And Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.
30:39And our host,
30:41department chair, Dr. Devorah
30:43Humphreys Hostetler, best-selling
30:45author of Aging Gratefully.
30:49We are back.
30:51Now, ladies, I would like to ask
30:53how you feel about the current epidemic
30:55of female self-mutilation
30:57through plastic surgery.
30:59As a transgender person,
31:01I've had some work done. But it's all drag
31:03anyway, isn't it?
31:05Amen, sister.
31:07Why don't you tell us a little more
31:09what you mean when you say it's a drag?
31:11No, not a drag. Drag.
31:13Men and women, we're all drag queens.
31:15I mean, come on. No one's
31:17natural. They don't judge anybody's drag.
31:19True feminism should be
31:21complete control of your own body,
31:23whether it's abortion or Botox.
31:25I am sorry, but that
31:27is a complete insult
31:29to the feminist movement.
31:31I'm sorry? But do you run
31:33the feminist movement?
31:35Well, my dear, my books
31:37are all about how the beauty oligarchy
31:39destroys women's self-esteem.
31:41I do not color my hair.
31:43I do not wear makeup. And I will never,
31:45ever mutilate myself
31:47with cosmetic surgery.
31:49Oh, I'm sorry, dude. Just because you
31:51wrote a book automatically makes you the boss
31:53of all of us? Dude, but maybe because you
31:55used to be a man, you don't understand.
31:57I have to stay.
31:59Oh, mercy.
32:01Cut! Cut! Cut!
32:03Excuse me.
32:05Cut!
32:07Suzanne, I knew I'd find you here.
32:09Yeah, every afternoon.
32:11So, don't tell anybody
32:13I told you, but we had your
32:15initial tenure hearing, and
32:17Deborah wants you out.
32:19What?
32:21Are you serious?
32:23Yeah, I'm serious as a vampire, but you are O-U-T.
32:25She's my mentor.
32:27This can't be happening.
32:29She's really pissed that you got a lipo
32:31and did a lecture on it.
32:33What about my, you know, personal political?
32:35That's how I teach.
32:37She says you're not a real feminist.
32:39Oh, what? Yeah, we vote on Friday.
32:41She is gunning for you.
32:43You know what she says about the
32:45surgical mutilation of women?
32:47Huh? I got a breast infection.
32:49What?
32:51Because they were too big. I had to.
32:53I stuff my bra for work.
32:55No one knows.
32:57I wouldn't have known.
32:59You stuff your bra for work?
33:01Okay, stop looking at them.
33:03And keep it to yourself.
33:05Say nothing. Thank you.
33:07Sorry, girl.
33:09I'm gonna go.
33:11Hello?
33:13Hi, I'm calling for Peter Durton.
33:15Did you get the flowers?
33:17Well, yes, but I have no idea why.
33:19They're from Peter.
33:21He's in town for the Oscars,
33:23and he would like to set up a drinks
33:25with you at his private screening room
33:27to discuss a book deal through his publishing arm.
33:29I'm sorry.
33:31Do I know you?
33:33I'm sorry. Do I know you?
33:35Not me.
33:37Not me.
33:39Peter Durton, the editor of Cheswick Fair Magazine.
33:41He also does books.
33:43He rents a private screening room
33:45to watch the nominated films.
33:47You do Tuesday at four.
33:49I'm sorry. How does he even know me?
33:51From the Internet, obviously.
33:53Congrats on that, by the way.
33:55Hence the flowers.
33:57Tuesday at four. We'll see you.
34:01I'm so glad you came by.
34:03Can you stay for dinner?
34:05Yes.
34:09What a day.
34:11She was my mentor, you know?
34:13I was counting on this.
34:17Well, you've got alimony, I'm guessing.
34:19No.
34:21We had a prenup,
34:23and I didn't fight it
34:25because I don't really want to get paid
34:27by somebody to not have sex with them, you know?
34:29That's ethical.
34:31I admire that, but
34:33clearly you need more wine.
34:35Clearly.
34:37I don't know. Maybe this Peter Durton thing
34:39will turn out to be something.
34:41You're going.
34:43You're going.
34:45Yeah.
34:47I'm not upset, are you?
34:49A date anyone would like.
34:51It's not a date, okay?
34:53His assistant said it's drinks.
34:55In his private screening room.
34:57Because he's bored of his luxury hotel suite.
34:59It sounds like a date.
35:01Lunch is a meeting.
35:03Drinks in his screening room is a date.
35:05Please tell me
35:07that you are trying to be funny.
35:09I'm dead serious.
35:11But then again,
35:13I'm just the rebound from the rebound.
35:15There's a whole world out there.
35:19I just...
35:21I thought you were the nice guy.
35:23Yeah.
35:29Is it not Monday?
35:31No, it is.
35:33Good to see you, buddy.
35:35You remember Suzanne.
35:37Yeah, sure.
35:39I guess she's staying for dinner?
35:41No.
35:43I can't, thanks.
35:45I have to go.
35:47We can talk later, right?
35:49Yeah, I'll give you a call.
35:51I don't look gay.
35:53What happened?
35:55She has a date with a billionaire
35:57who has a screening room.
35:59That sucks.
36:01Yeah, that it does.
36:03I can't believe Deborah
36:05wants to give you the ax
36:07because you had lipo
36:09when it's so obvious that she's had
36:11Botox in her hair color.
36:13Really? How do you know that?
36:15The same way I know you had Botox.
36:17Oh, my, like, how do you even...
36:19I am, like, CSI of beauty.
36:21I know everything.
36:23Is there a night where Deborah
36:25doesn't book any events at school?
36:27Yeah, tonight. That's her meet.
36:29Oh, I bet.
36:31Well, we're going on a beauty stakeout
36:33because she's a goddamn hypocritical skank
36:35in all O.
36:37I have no idea what you're talking about.
36:39Just trust me.
36:41We're going to blackmail her bony ass.
36:49Get her.
36:51Film it.
37:05What is it?
37:07Botox.
37:09God.
37:11Aging gratefully my ass.
37:13She's such a hypocrite.
37:15You know,
37:17I can't wait to see the look on her Botox face.
37:19Oh, they're going to nail her.
37:21We already did it.
37:23You're a genius.
37:25The March issue closes today.
37:27You need to understand Peter's time is very valuable.
37:29Oh,
37:31don't call him Peter.
37:33What do I call him?
37:35Nothing.
37:37If he asks you to say something to him,
37:39say it. Otherwise, no name.
37:41Okay, no names.
37:43And don't look at the house.
37:45Do not look at the house.
37:47You can see,
37:49but don't look.
37:51And if he offers you something to eat,
37:53eat it, even if you're allergic or whatever.
37:55We'll get you medical attention.
37:57He's very proud of his food.
37:59Watch your step. Don't look.
38:03I'm Peter.
38:05You can call me
38:07Peter.
38:09You like Dom?
38:11Uh, you know, I've actually never had him.
38:13This is the good Dom.
38:15There's bad Dom.
38:17I can't.
38:23Oh, my God.
38:25Told you so.
38:27Yeah.
38:29So, I want you
38:31to write a book for me.
38:33Oh.
38:35Anjali, cheese.
38:37You'll do good media.
38:39I'm into thin slicing.
38:41That is actually a good...
38:43It's snap judgments
38:45based on my instincts.
38:47I didn't even need to see your whole viral video.
38:49I get you.
38:51He gets you. He gets you without listening to you.
38:53That's why he's so genius.
38:55His genius is that he doesn't listen.
38:57He hears
38:59without listening.
39:05Anyway,
39:07the book
39:09is called F the F Word.
39:11It's a screed against feminists
39:13with you naked on the cover.
39:15Oh.
39:17Not nips and pubes naked, obviously.
39:19Nobody wants to see you naked.
39:21Feminists suck.
39:23Totally agree.
39:25Me, too.
39:27You know, I don't totally agree
39:29because I would actually call myself a feminist
39:31and that's kind of important to me.
39:33Right, right, right. Really, for me,
39:35it's about the cover and the media message.
39:37Don't say yes or no.
39:39First of all, we're talking
39:41significant six figures.
39:43Second of all, just think about it.
39:45BTW,
39:47I want you to be my plus one at the Oscars
39:49and the magazine's party after.
39:53We'll give you clothes, you know,
39:55hair and makeup team.
39:57Are you talking about the Oscar Oscars?
39:59Because that's crazy. I'm not that kind of person.
40:01Great. She'll do it.
40:03Perfect.
40:07I've got a scoot.
40:09I've got another drinks.
40:13This
40:15will be great.
40:19This is pathetic.
40:21You guys aren't cops.
40:23You can't blackmail me
40:25with DNA evidence of Botox.
40:27My doctor isn't going to violate
40:29doctor-patient confidentiality.
40:31So this is just really stupid.
40:33And the very fact you even tried it
40:35tells me that my instincts about you
40:37were right on, Suzanne.
40:39You were so out.
40:41But unfortunately, there's no
40:43hairdresser-client confidentiality.
40:45Oh, right.
40:47Your hairdresser, Raphael?
40:49She knows him.
40:51And you go on TV bragging how you don't dye your hair
40:53when Raphael says
40:55you do tops and tails.
40:57But you're a lousy tipper,
40:59which is a big mistake
41:01for somebody who expects confidentiality
41:03from her pube-dyer.
41:05We're going to make a video with Raphael
41:07and we're going to link it to Suzy's
41:09fat lip video
41:11and everybody's going to see just what a hypocrite
41:13you are. Think about it.
41:17You should think about it.
41:19You nailed it. You were amazing.
41:21Well, I can't imagine her fighting you now.
41:23Honestly,
41:25I can't even believe you would stay here.
41:27I mean, that woman represents everything
41:29that's wrong with the movement.
41:31I know. I agree.
41:33I know.
41:35It's Cameron. He keeps calling me
41:37and I don't want to talk to him.
41:39He was just awful about that whole Peter Durton thing.
41:41I think you should answer the phone.
41:43You know,
41:45I know it's none of my business, but I feel like
41:47I've got to tell you something.
41:49Peter Durton is a dick.
41:51I slept with him
41:53as a girl years ago.
41:55Wow.
41:57Then you tell me about this nice guy Cameron
41:59who's all freaked out about this rich guy
42:01and, I mean, what the hell?
42:03Why is he freaked out about it anyway?
42:05Why am I freaking about it?
42:07Maybe I'm just jealous.
42:09You know, it takes a very unusual
42:11sort of man to even want to consider
42:13being with me.
42:15I just, you know,
42:17I would take a nice,
42:19normal, slightly
42:21insecure guy any day.
42:23Call incoming.
42:25You answered.
42:27Hi.
42:29Have you ever seen the film
42:31Harvey with Jimmy Stewart?
42:35It's where
42:37Jimmy Stewart honestly believes
42:39he's got a friend
42:41who's a giant invisible
42:43talking rabbit.
42:45Yeah, I know the movie.
42:47It's just my ex, Ruth,
42:49she left me.
42:51Trevor's a great guy and all,
42:53but they knew each other before
42:55and I guess
42:57I'm a little wrapped tight when it comes
42:59to women I care about and billionaires.
43:01I'm sorry.
43:03I don't know what that has to do with a giant
43:05talking rabbit, though.
43:07Because I was having a
43:09conversation with someone who wasn't there,
43:11Ruth, because she
43:13left me for a rich guy.
43:15I get it.
43:17I'm sorry.
43:19I probably came off
43:21as crazy
43:23and jealous.
43:25I'm sorry.
43:27I was wondering if
43:29maybe you want to come over Sunday
43:31and we could watch the Oscars together.
43:33Maybe you want to come
43:35over Sunday and we could watch
43:37the Oscars together.
43:39I'm actually
43:41going to the Oscars
43:43with that Peter
43:45guy.
43:47Wow.
43:49He's taking
43:51you to the Oscars.
43:53He gave me that book deal.
43:55That's great.
43:57I'm happy for you.
43:59Maybe we could...
44:01Sure, just give me a call.
44:03I'll call you.
44:05I should let you go.
44:07All right.
44:09All right.
44:11Good luck with all that.
44:13All of it.
44:15I'll
44:17hold you
44:19when you cry.
44:21Lay beside you
44:23in the night.
44:25I'm your best friend
44:27for life.
44:29This is from
44:31Marsha Qualley.
44:33Hi, doll.
44:35You never returned my call.
44:37I overreacted.
44:39I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
44:41It's just that sometimes it's hard
44:43to take the bear
44:45out of the mama bear.
44:47I was wrong, I'm sorry.
44:49Look, I hate to
44:51harsh your whole princess trip here,
44:53but I just read through the book
44:55contract from Peter Durton.
44:57And as your literary agent,
44:59I have to tell you,
45:01which I hate to tell you
45:03because it is so much money,
45:05and I love money,
45:07but it is the worst deal ever.
45:09What? Why? What's wrong with it?
45:11Peter Durton has creative rights.
45:13He basically owns you.
45:15He tells you exactly what to write.
45:17I mean, granted, for a lot of money,
45:19and seriously, better outfits.
45:21They literally have the right to dress you.
45:23What? It's like your author Barbie.
45:25All right, well, you know,
45:27we'll just negotiate with them.
45:29I doubt it.
45:31Look, you feel free to stay here
45:33as long as you want and to write
45:35a book that is actually good,
45:37which I believe that I can sell.
45:39There's no guarantees,
45:41but I can't keep living here for free.
45:43You keep doing my grocery shopping,
45:45and you can stay here forever.
45:47And you have to play Candyland
45:49with Sophie anytime she asks.
45:51I love playing Candyland. I'm good at it.
45:53Okay, well, seriously, there's no strategy.
45:55You just pick, and what you get is what you get.
45:57I mean...
45:59No, when I play it, there's strategy.
46:01Oh, really? You know how to, like...
46:03I'm not telling you.
46:05Okay, fine.
46:07I'm now at the prom of the world
46:09where I get to feel like a luck-toothed wallflower
46:11without a date.
46:17You look fabulous.
46:19Those hair and makeup people are miracle workers.
46:21Right.
46:23BTW, Peter wanted me to show you this.
46:25You're gonna love it.
46:27You are a new star author.
46:29Congratulations.
46:31Okay, but this is not me.
46:33But it will be.
46:35You should be proud.
46:37Peter normally only spends $10,000
46:39on retouching,
46:41but he wanted to fix everything
46:43that was wrong with you,
46:45so he put $15,000 towards it.
46:47You look great.
46:51I should be proud
46:53that it cost $15,000
46:55to make me presentable
46:57as an author.
46:59It's a compliment, obviously.
47:01Obviously.
47:27Hi.
47:29Hi. Uh, hello.
47:31Could you just make a right
47:33at the next light?
47:35What are you doing?
47:37I just need a latte.
47:39We don't have time.
47:41Hi.
47:43New star author.
47:45I say we do.
47:47I am out of here.
47:49Wait, where are you going?
47:51Where are you going?
47:53You have to bring back the dress and those shoes.
47:55Have fun at the Oscars.
47:57You should bring them back dry clean as well.
48:15Hey.
48:19Wow.
48:21You look fancy.
48:23Thanks.
48:25Can I show you one thing?
48:27Yeah.
48:29It's kind of funny.
48:31Michael bought this same exact coffee maker
48:33for our house,
48:35and I wanted to be a good wife,
48:37so I learned how to use it.
48:41Michael being Michael,
48:43he prefers having coffee out,
48:45so I've noticed lately
48:47that you're kind of
48:49shorthanded around here,
48:51so I was wondering if you would consider
48:53hiring me.
48:55This is a good latte.
48:57What do you think?
48:59Yeah, sure.
49:01Thank you so much.
49:03I will take the job because
49:05I need a day job because
49:07I'm going to try to write a book.
49:09That's awesome.
49:11I'm so proud of you.
49:13Thanks, boss.
49:15So we'll talk about this tomorrow.
49:17I have to go.
49:19It's a very long story.
49:21Thank you so much.
49:23You're the greatest.
49:25Bye.
49:27I'm glad we're finally getting the extra help,
49:29but you don't pay me enough to dress like that.
49:31We've got tons of impossibly good-looking people
49:33walking the judgiest red carpet in the world.
49:35The excitement is palpable here.
49:37We've got limo, gridlock.
49:39We've got...
49:49If your cellulite isn't packed into
49:51at least three layers of Spanx,
49:53a billion people will see all the junk
49:55in your trunk.
49:57Door bell rings.
49:59Door bell rings.
50:01Door bell rings.
50:03Door bell rings.
50:05TV noise.
50:07TV noise.
50:09TV noise.
50:11TV noise.
50:13The Oscars are gay!
50:15I'm going to Mom's!
50:17TV noise.
50:19TV noise.
50:21TV noise.
50:23TV noise.
50:25He likes you.
50:27What?
50:29He's trying to be a good wingman.
50:31He loves the Oscars.
50:33Is he homophobic?
50:35Oh, no. He's best friends gay.
50:39Sometimes I think
50:41the only reason to have kids
50:43is to feel stupid all the time.
50:47You look gorgeous.
50:51Takes a village, apparently.
50:55Oh.
51:07Oh.
51:09That's so nice.
51:11I'm a nice guy.
51:13Yeah, I figured that out.
51:15I don't know what to do
51:17with a nice guy.
51:19Would you like some pizza?
51:21You took the meat lovers,
51:23but I have some cheese.
51:25You know, I would actually kill for pizza.
51:27How are you?
51:29How excited are you?
51:39Here you go.
51:41Thank you.
51:43Thanks.
51:53I wanna be feminist.
52:01Earlier this semester,
52:03before my bad lip job
52:05went viral,
52:07I asked you guys,
52:09who do you think
52:11is a feminist icon?
52:13And, um...
52:15I've been thinking about it.
52:17And I think that here
52:19in Deborah's department,
52:21no one is.
52:23I can't be honest with my students
52:25about anything,
52:27not even my own fat.
52:29So, um...
52:31I have actually resigned my position.
52:33What?
52:35Yeah.
52:37What?
52:39I know.
52:41I'm gonna write a book,
52:43which I'm really excited about,
52:45but I'm also really terrified.
52:47But the biggest thing is
52:49I'm just really gonna miss all of you.
52:51And, uh,
52:53so I decided to make
52:55presents for you guys.
52:57I hope you like them.
52:59This shirt fits everybody.
53:01It fits anybody that actually
53:03really cares about equality,
53:05regardless of gender.
53:07Because to me, that's what a feminist
53:09looks like.
53:11And I just...
53:13I just really wanna thank you for letting me be your teacher.
53:15I've loved it.
53:17Who wants a shirt?
53:19Who wants a shirt?
53:21Yeah?
53:23What?
53:25Don't look at me like that.
53:27And I'm gonna miss you so much.
53:29Oh, honey.
53:31We're real friends.
53:33I'm gonna see you all the time.
53:35Oh, honey.
53:37It's gonna be fine.
53:39Oh!
53:41Oh!
53:45Oh!
53:47Oh!
53:49I don't wanna be
53:51Someone else.
53:53I only wanna be myself.
53:55I feel alive.
53:57I feel alive.
53:59And I am beautiful.
54:01I don't wanna be someone else.
54:09you