Thong girl 3 revenge of the dark widow comedy action movie
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00:00:30over his shoulders.
00:00:32Girl, I'm going to talk to you until the next lifetime.
00:00:35Suddenly, he gasps for breath.
00:00:37He clutches his throat and falls to the ground.
00:00:40Chaz pulls himself up and launches a nuclear missile,
00:00:44sending it straight for Brentwoodville and Ground Zero.
00:00:48Kidding, Chaz, it's a swimming pool.
00:00:53Time for bed, Billy.
00:00:55Okay, Mom.
00:00:56Good night, Steve.
00:00:57Good night, Mom.
00:01:00Good night, Steve.
00:01:12Found Girl and Boxer Brief Boy fly high above the city
00:01:15in pursuit of the nuclear missile.
00:01:18Suddenly, they spot it.
00:01:20Its shiny metallic surface glistens from the reflection of the full moon.
00:01:24Without any thought to his own safety,
00:01:27Boxer Brief Boy jumps on top of the missile
00:01:30and rides it down toward the unsuspecting citizens of Brentwoodville.
00:01:36To be continued.
00:01:38Aw, crap.
00:01:40What a ripoff. Stupid comic book.
00:01:57Kenny!
00:02:27Kenny!
00:02:30Kenny!
00:02:33Kenny!
00:02:36Kenny!
00:02:39Kenny!
00:02:42Kenny!
00:02:45Kenny!
00:02:48Kenny!
00:02:51Kenny!
00:02:54Kenny!
00:02:57Kenny!
00:03:00Kenny!
00:03:03Kenny!
00:03:06Kenny!
00:03:09Kenny!
00:03:12Kenny!
00:03:15Kenny!
00:03:18Kenny!
00:03:21Kenny!
00:03:52I told you, Jake. A piece of cake.
00:03:56That bank was primed for our nefarious crime.
00:03:59Good one, Georgie.
00:04:02Alright, alrighty. Put a lid on it.
00:04:04I'm sitting here with stinking Beavis and Butthead.
00:04:07Jeez, everybody in this town thinks they're a songwriter.
00:04:10Cut us a break, Benji. Come on, we're gonna be famous someday.
00:04:13You know what? If you guys would spend more time thinking about your bank robbing
00:04:17than thinking up songs, we'd be millionaires by now.
00:04:21I don't know, Benji. There's at least 10,000 smackers in here.
00:04:25Not a bad day's work, if you ask me.
00:04:28Yeah, well, who's asking you?
00:04:30And the best part is, we didn't get caught.
00:04:33That new chief of police is so busy handing out parking tickets,
00:04:36he's forgot all about us old-fashioned bank robbers.
00:04:40Right about that, Georgie. We're on a roll. Ain't no stopping us now.
00:04:45What was that?
00:04:47I'll take a look.
00:04:52What the...
00:04:54Where'd he go?
00:04:56Jake?
00:04:58Hey, guys. Going my way?
00:05:00Oh, crap, it's Thong Girl.
00:05:02At your service. Now be a good little bank robber and pull over, would ya?
00:05:06I don't think so, Thong Girl. You're about to become roadkill.
00:05:09That's where you're wrong, little man. You've just reached a dead end.
00:05:13Oh, yeah? Well, hold on, sister. I think this is your stop.
00:05:19That's what you get when you don't buckle up.
00:05:25Damn! Let's go teach that broad a lesson.
00:05:31Go kick her thong butt, Georgie.
00:05:33My pleasure, Benji.
00:05:35You took away my songwriting partner, and just when we were about to make it big, too.
00:05:40Now you're gonna have to pay.
00:05:44Here's one I wrote, Georgie.
00:05:46If you do wrong, you'll answer to the thong.
00:05:54This is the end of the road for you, Thong Girl. You're about to become a hood ornament.
00:06:14What the?
00:06:16You should have bought the extended warranty, Benji.
00:06:22Chief!
00:06:24We'll take it from here, Thong Girl. Come on.
00:06:29You'll have plenty of time to write hit songs where you're going.
00:06:35Say, Thong Girl, would you like a lift?
00:06:38No thanks, officer. It's a nice night for flying. I'll catch up with you later.
00:06:44Boy, I tell you, just one time I'd like to.
00:06:47Keep dreaming, O'Malley. You wouldn't know what to do with it anyway.
00:06:50That's one class act, that Thong Girl.
00:07:13Come on.
00:07:35Hey, wake up, you two losers. Time for roll call.
00:07:43Oh, jeez, Sally, ain't you got no class?
00:07:46Sorry, boss.
00:07:47I had too many beans for supper last night.
00:07:50I'll say you stink like a sewer hole.
00:07:52No, boss, it is a sewer.
00:07:54It's coming from that toilet over there.
00:08:06Sally, you're a genius.
00:08:13Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
00:08:38Psst!
00:08:39Sally!
00:08:40Wake up!
00:08:41Yeah, boss.
00:08:42It's time to go.
00:08:58Geronimo!
00:09:03Come on in, Sally.
00:09:05The water's fine.
00:09:11Ha ha ha ha ha...
00:09:23All right, ladies, I'll break out.
00:09:41♪♪
00:09:51♪♪
00:10:01♪♪
00:10:11♪♪
00:10:21Hey, dweebs.
00:10:22Uh, hey, Lana.
00:10:25Whatcha doin'?
00:10:27I'm looking for a case file for People v. Palermo.
00:10:30There are some interesting similarities between that and the Chaz Chernobyl case.
00:10:34And by the way, dweebs, would you please quit looking at my skirt?
00:10:38Sorry, Lana.
00:10:41Hey, Lana, I thought you were through with Chaz since you sent him away for life to the state pen.
00:10:46I want to be sure he stays there.
00:10:48He's got the best lawyer's money can buy, and I don't want him getting off on appeals.
00:10:53Sure, sure.
00:10:55Hey, Lana, I want to thank you for getting me this job in the D.A.'s office as a part of my plea agreement.
00:11:01Well, dweebs, your testimony was crucial in building my case against Chaz and Mr. Big.
00:11:06Why, you had first-hand knowledge of Big's evil plot to create a nuclear missile,
00:11:11destroy country music, and the world as we know it.
00:11:15Why, if it weren't for you,
00:11:17Tim McGraw and George Strike would be nothing more than fond memories in the Country Music Hall of Fame.
00:11:22And don't forget how we saved Kenny Chesney.
00:11:25Oh, yeah, I still haven't forgiven you for that one.
00:11:29Sorry, Lana.
00:11:31Hey, Lana, there's a really great arthropod exhibit at the Museum of Natural History this weekend.
00:11:37Would you like to go?
00:11:39Gee, dweebs, I'd love to, but my Aunt Millie's coming in from across the pond this weekend.
00:11:44Your Aunt Millie from Chile?
00:11:46No, silly, my Aunt Millie from Piccadilly.
00:11:48From London, England?
00:11:49The very same.
00:11:50But I thought she died.
00:11:51No, you're thinking of my Aunt Mary from Londonderry.
00:11:53The one that's quite contrary?
00:11:55That's my Aunt Mary.
00:11:56Oh, sure, sure.
00:11:57Well, anyway, I thought maybe we could, like, get some food and go to the...
00:12:00I'm sorry, dweebs.
00:12:01It would never work out between us.
00:12:03With my job as Assistant District Attorney
00:12:06and my commitment to ridding the world of scum-sucking, law-breaking vermin like Chaz Chernobyl,
00:12:12I just don't have time for a relationship.
00:12:15Oh, Lana.
00:12:17I'm such a loser.
00:12:20And then there's that.
00:12:24It's the mayor.
00:12:27Hello, Mr. Mayor.
00:12:29Lana, Mayor Richard Boner here.
00:12:32Yes, yes, well, I've just gotten some bad news.
00:12:35Apparently Chaz Chernobyl has broken out of the state penitentiary.
00:12:39That's right, and he's taken over the local television station
00:12:42and is about to broadcast a message that concerns you.
00:12:47Roger that, Mr. Mayor.
00:12:49I knew those prison walls wouldn't be enough to hold Chaz Chernobyl.
00:12:54Be careful, Lana.
00:12:55That Chaz is one slippery scoundrel.
00:13:00By the way, Lana, what are you wearing?
00:13:05Well, Mr. Mayor, I'm wearing a lovely two-piece ensemble
00:13:09with silk kimbosol over a pretty pink lace brassiere and matching panties.
00:13:14Oh, and Gucci open-toed shoes with a velvet strap.
00:13:18Perfect for a hectic day at the office or a night out on the town.
00:13:23Oh, that's nice.
00:13:25That's nice.
00:13:32Hello? Mr. Mayor, are you there?
00:13:38Well, that's good, yes.
00:13:40Chaz has just come on the TV.
00:13:43I think you should see what he has to say.
00:13:45I'm on it, sir.
00:13:49So the bartender says to the donkey,
00:13:53your ass can stay, but the lawyer has to go.
00:13:59Enough of the small talk.
00:14:01This is what I want.
00:14:19Oh, Mrs. Pritchett, you're going to look lovely at the Governor's Ball.
00:14:23Well, ladies, giving no thought whatsoever to my own personal safety
00:14:29and thinking only of my darling little Kenny Chesney
00:14:32and all those hapless hat-wearing country stars below down in Brentwoodville,
00:14:37I broke free from Thongirl's embrace and plunged headfirst through the clouds
00:14:42and caught that nuclear missile with my bare hands,
00:14:45frantically searching for the button to disable it.
00:14:48Oh, my goodness. Weren't you terrified?
00:14:51Terrified? Honey, President George W. Bush said we have no time for terror.
00:14:56I was petrified.
00:14:58But all I could think about was poor little Kenny and all those country music stars.
00:15:02So what happened next?
00:15:04Well, honey, I had to think fast or there would have been lights out in Ash Vegas.
00:15:08Yes, what could I do?
00:15:11I rode that rockin' straight down into Kenny Chesney's swimming pool, 20 feet deep.
00:15:17Oh, honey, it's shaped like a Grammy Award.
00:15:20Built-in jacuzzi and a personal masseur named Raul.
00:15:26Okay.
00:15:29Well, anyway, there was so much chlorine in the darn thing,
00:15:32I think it disabled it because it stopped ticking
00:15:35and thereby rendering the missile harmless and saving the world at the end.
00:15:40Andy, I've heard that story hundreds of times.
00:15:42Every time it's something different. Why don't you tell us what really happened?
00:15:46Oh, what really happened, Miss Potty Pooper?
00:15:49Potty Pooper, Potty Pooper,
00:15:52every potty needs a pooper, that's why we invited you, Potty Pooper.
00:15:57Well, what really happened, huh, Miss Potty Pooper?
00:16:00Well, what really happened was...
00:16:04Andy Andrews, hairdresser to the country stars.
00:16:07Andy, it's Lana.
00:16:09TV, quick. Chester Nobles escaped from prison and he's taken over the airwaves.
00:16:14Oh, no. Turn on the television.
00:16:17That's funny.
00:16:22Wait.
00:16:23I want $10 million delivered to a Swiss bank account by noon tomorrow
00:16:27or I will wreak havoc the likes of which this little town has never seen before.
00:16:33Yeah, I will.
00:16:36Oh, yeah, one more thing.
00:16:38If you happen to be listening, Assistant District Attorney Lana Leami,
00:16:42I would like you to deliver the loot personally.
00:16:46And why don't you bring your little hairdresser boy with you?
00:16:53Chaz Chernobyl, signing off.
00:17:04Oh, whatever are we gonna do, girl?
00:17:07We're gonna do what any self-respecting superhero would do in a time of crisis.
00:17:11Oh, apple martinis and a pedicure?
00:17:14No, silly. We're gonna fight.
00:17:16Right on.
00:17:18Be at my place at 1800 hours and we'll figure out a plan.
00:17:22Roger that, T.G.
00:17:23Oh, and Andy?
00:17:24Yeah, girl?
00:17:25Don't forget your cape this time.
00:17:31Why don't you bring your little hairdresser boy with you?
00:17:36Chaz Chernobyl, signing off.
00:17:59Yes, Ms. Capri?
00:18:01Get me Chaz Chernobyl.
00:18:04Chaz Chernobyl, signing off.
00:18:34Always a pleasure to see you, babe.
00:18:47Fellas.
00:18:50Now, LaWanda, is that any way to treat an old friend?
00:18:54Cut the crap, Chaz.
00:18:56Big never trusted you and neither do I.
00:18:58As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you had something to do with putting that MSG in his beef chow mein.
00:19:04Besides me, you were the only one that knew he was deathly allergic to it.
00:19:08Why, LaWanda, how could you think I would do anything to hurt my business partner and longtime friend?
00:19:14Big, he was like a soul brother to me.
00:19:18The only soul you've got, Chaz, is on the bottom of your shoe.
00:19:21Hey! Hey, I didn't come here to have you insult me.
00:19:24What's on your mind, LaWanda?
00:19:28Well, as much as I hate to admit it, Chaz, you and I need each other.
00:19:31In order to carry out the plan that Big set into motion before his untimely demise.
00:19:36This town is being overrun by white cracker hat wearing country music stars and it's got to stop.
00:19:42How many black country music artists do you see on the charts now?
00:19:48That's right, none.
00:19:50There's that cowboy Troy.
00:19:53He didn't mix country and rap and came up with crap.
00:19:56And Charlie Pryde sold out a long time ago.
00:19:59He should have named his song Kiss a White Anglo-Saxon's Ass Good Morning.
00:20:05This music business is in sad shape.
00:20:08And I intend on giving it a well-deserved afro makeover, if you know what I'm saying.
00:20:13Uh-huh.
00:20:15Shut up, you moron.
00:20:19So what do you want from me?
00:20:21I want you to keep that little wafer thong girl out of my way.
00:20:24I want you to break her down, box her up and put her in a pretty little package and bring her to me.
00:20:29It's time I exact some revenge on that little bitch for taking my man out.
00:20:33But I thought you said it was the MSG that did Big in.
00:20:37That may be.
00:20:39But if it wasn't for thong girl, Big would have realized his dream of world supremacy a long time ago.
00:20:46She'd been after him for a while.
00:20:49Never smart enough to stop him, just slow him down.
00:20:53Just because she's the assistant D.A. and a crime-fighting superhero,
00:20:57doesn't give her the right to harass a reputable businessman just trying to make an honest living.
00:21:03Well, LaWanda, I wouldn't exactly call what we do earning an honest living.
00:21:08Big was going to blow up the world if he didn't get his way.
00:21:12He wasn't going to go through with it.
00:21:14And as I recall, it was you that pressed the button that set off the missile.
00:21:17Yeah, and it would have worked too if it weren't for that little bikini bimbo and a little hairdresser boy.
00:21:25Alright, LaWanda, tell me what you got planned.
00:21:35Down boy.
00:21:36Oh, stop bopping.
00:21:45Down boy.
00:21:47Ah!
00:22:05Ah!
00:22:06Ah!
00:22:07Oi, Poppy!
00:22:09Girlfriend!
00:22:10You didn't tell me you have a boyfriend.
00:22:13That is an ancient fertility statue.
00:22:16That the Zimbuki tribe gave me when I rescued their chief from the hands of slave traders.
00:22:22It's supposed to enrich your life and make you wealthy beyond belief.
00:22:25Well, it's working. My panties are moist.
00:22:29Listen, Superman here and I are going to go get acquainted.
00:22:33No time for that now, Andy.
00:22:35We've got to decide what to do about Chaz.
00:22:38Where is he?
00:22:39I'll pulverize him.
00:22:40I'll fight him with one paw behind my back.
00:22:42I'll fight him with my eyes closed.
00:22:44Ah!
00:22:45Ah!
00:22:46Ah!
00:22:55What is it?
00:22:56It's a note.
00:22:58What does it say?
00:23:01It says, Dear Assistant DA Lana Leonmi, a.k.a. Thong Girl and Gay Sidekick Foxabreefoy.
00:23:09I resemble that remark.
00:23:11I am your new partner in crime, LaWanda Capri, a.k.a. The Dark Widow.
00:23:16And I request the pleasure of your company this evening at a special dinner that I have arranged especially in your honor.
00:23:24There is a little matter of ten million dollars that we need to discuss.
00:23:29The fate of this wretched little town lies solely in your hands, so don't be late.
00:23:35Meet us at the old stockyards on 2nd Avenue by the river at 7 p.m. sharp with the loot.
00:23:42And come in costume, yours truly, Chaz Chernobyl.
00:23:46It's a costume party!
00:23:48Oh, I want to go as Dr. Ruth.
00:23:50Oh, now this is fabulous.
00:23:52No, the village people.
00:23:54Why am I gay?
00:23:56No, Andy, you goofball.
00:23:58He wants us to come in our superhero outfit.
00:24:01Oh, right.
00:24:02I knew that.
00:24:03Okay, we better prepare.
00:24:05It's been a while since we've used our superhero powers.
00:24:09Do you remember what I taught you?
00:24:11Help old ladies across the street and don't fart in elevators?
00:24:15No, silly, I mean about how to fly.
00:24:17Oh, that's a piece of cake.
00:24:19Put your left arm here and your right arm there.
00:24:22Flap them up and down and then you're in the air.
00:24:25You do the super-
00:24:26Okay, okay, never mind.
00:24:28Why don't you go suit up.
00:24:30We'll take a quick lesson and then we'll go fight the enemy.
00:24:33You got it.
00:24:39It's all coming back to me now, thong girl.
00:24:42I just bend my legs like this and-
00:24:46Maybe we need to work on the glide a little more, Triple D.
00:24:50Oh, fiddly diddly dee, I'll never get the hang of it.
00:24:53Oh, sure you will.
00:24:55You remember when you were a little boy and your dad taught you how to ride a bike
00:24:58and you thought you'd never lose those training wheels.
00:25:00And then one magical day, he let go
00:25:03and before you knew it, you were pedaling so fast your little legs ached
00:25:07and you were gliding down that hill in no time.
00:25:10Andy?
00:25:11I can fly, I can fly, I can fly, I'm flying!
00:25:15Andy!
00:25:16Love that story.
00:25:18Hey, T.G., you were right.
00:25:21It's just like riding a bicycle.
00:25:24Now let's go kick some bad boy butt.
00:25:27Yeah!
00:25:49She ain't gonna show.
00:25:51What? What did you say?
00:25:54I said she ain't gonna show.
00:25:56She'll show, all right.
00:25:58She's too much of a do-gooder not to show.
00:26:01The future of her beloved music city depends on it.
00:26:05She knows I'll blow this little town to smithereens if she crosses me.
00:26:10And just how do you plan on doing that, may I ask?
00:26:14Sally, if you please.
00:26:26Come.
00:26:40Where did you get that?
00:26:42It's leftover from Big's plot to take over the world.
00:26:46I've kept it hidden in a safe place, knowing that I would need it again someday.
00:26:51And what are you gonna do with it?
00:26:53Well, I was kind of hoping you would know.
00:26:57How the hell should I know?
00:26:59Well, I thought maybe Big might have showed you the plans for the doomsday bomb.
00:27:04Are you kidding?
00:27:06I was just his hoe.
00:27:08You'd never trust me with information like that.
00:27:12The only thing I was good for was a piece of ass and a good back rub.
00:27:17I was nothing more to him than a high-dollar hooker.
00:27:21Really? Maybe you had a good reason yourself to lace his food with MSG.
00:27:27You knew if he kicked the bucket, you could step right in and take over the big empire.
00:27:36You better be glad I need you alive, you little rat-faced bastard.
00:27:40Otherwise I'd rip you to ribbons right here and now.
00:27:42Okay, okay, I get the point.
00:27:44Everybody, just calm down, all right?
00:27:47We need to try and work on this together.
00:27:51I may have resented the fact that Big was using me.
00:27:56But I must admit, he treated me kind and he gave me everything my heart desired.
00:28:01In his own cold, calculated way, I really think he loved me.
00:28:07A girl kind of dreams of houses and babies and all that normal stuff.
00:28:12No?
00:28:13I ain't no different than any other woman in that respect.
00:28:17But now that he's gone, I've got a score to settle.
00:28:22And a mighty powerful lust for power.
00:28:26And don't you forget the deal we made once all of this is over.
00:28:29We split the loot 50-50.
00:28:31I'll run this town and you take over the music bits.
00:28:35Yeah.
00:28:37And then it's goodbye Kenny Chesney.
00:28:39Well, that's one thing we have in common.
00:28:42I hate that guy.
00:28:46So what about the bomb?
00:28:48How are you going to use it if you don't know how to build it?
00:28:51I have an ace in the hole.
00:28:54There's only one person in this town that knows how to build that bomb.
00:28:58And how are you going to get him to do it?
00:29:00By acquiring something of value.
00:29:03Something that he treasures.
00:29:07And here it comes now.
00:29:10Boys, let him in.
00:29:17Easy big fella.
00:29:18Oh, that's the spot.
00:29:23Welcome, thorn girl.
00:29:25Forgive me for not inviting you sooner, but I was, I guess you'd say, detained.
00:29:31You were right where you belong, Chas.
00:29:33In a steel cage designed especially for animals like you.
00:29:38I'm sorry, Chas.
00:29:39I'm sorry.
00:29:40I'm sorry.
00:29:41I'm sorry.
00:29:42In a steel cage designed especially for animals like you.
00:29:47And that's just where I'm sending you back to.
00:29:50Please, please, thorn girl.
00:29:52This is an evening for libation and camaraderie.
00:29:55I invited you here to meet my new business partner.
00:29:59Thorn girl, meet your worst nightmare.
00:30:03Luanda Capri, alias the Dark Widow.
00:30:09I believe we've met, Miss Capri.
00:30:11I thought we should meet here on common ground while we still had a chance to resolve this little issue.
00:30:18Did you bring the loot, thorn girl?
00:30:21No, actually I brought something much better.
00:30:24You remember my crime fighting assistant, Boxer Brief Boy?
00:30:28Of course I do.
00:30:29How could I forget?
00:30:31How are you, little fella?
00:30:33I'm fabulous, which is more than I can say for you when thorn girl gets done cleaning your clock.
00:30:40We'll just see about that.
00:30:42Say, what have you got there?
00:30:45Well, this little old thing.
00:30:47This is a little gift box that I thought might come in handy for the long trip you're about to take.
00:30:52You know, back to the state pen.
00:30:55Why, that is so thoughtful of you.
00:30:58Well, let's see.
00:30:59We have some nail clippers.
00:31:02We must always practice personal hygiene wherever our path in life may lead us.
00:31:08And we've got a little nail file.
00:31:11Not for the prison bars, but for those rodent claws of yours.
00:31:16Oh, a book of crossword puzzles, beginner's edition.
00:31:21But don't let that scare you.
00:31:23You can skip over the big words like rat.
00:31:28Oh, and a lovely, lovely little fruitcake.
00:31:31Mmm, you can share it with your cellmates.
00:31:34I hear those inmates just love getting a little piece of fruitcake.
00:31:38You are so lucky.
00:31:40I'm jealous.
00:31:42And what prison stint would be complete without a big old heaping helping a KY.
00:31:47Slip, slide, in a way.
00:31:49Bye-bye, Chaz.
00:31:50Oh, my goodness.
00:31:52And what's this?
00:31:53Why, it's your very own personal can of whoop-ass.
00:32:05Whoop-ass.
00:32:13What's this?
00:32:18Your very own personal can of whoop-ass.
00:32:35Whoop-ass.
00:32:40Why, it's your very own personal can of whoop-ass.
00:32:53Looking for me, thong girl?
00:33:04Whoop-ass.
00:33:34Whoop-ass.
00:33:42You may have superior martial arts skills, Dark Widow.
00:33:45And a better costume.
00:33:47Hey, who's side are you on?
00:33:49Sorry, T.G.
00:33:51But you're no match for my new and improved, soon-to-be-patented, A.S.T.Y.R. Slayer.
00:34:04A.S.T.Y.R. Slayer
00:34:08A.S.T.Y.R. Slayer
00:34:33Hello, Dweeble here.
00:34:35Why, hello there, little buddy. Remember me?
00:34:39I'm sorry, I don't accept phone calls from telephone solicitors.
00:34:44I'm on the Federal Do-Not-Call Registry.
00:34:47I am not selling anything.
00:34:50But I do have a deal for you.
00:34:53Who is this?
00:34:54Oh, that really hurts.
00:34:56Don't you remember your old pal, Chaz-a-roo?
00:35:00You and me, we were partners once.
00:35:03We were never partners.
00:35:05You tricked me into making a bomb and betraying the only woman I ever loved.
00:35:11I hate you, Chaz-a-roo.
00:35:13Hey, is that any way to talk to the man who is going to make you immortal?
00:35:20What do you mean?
00:35:22I am offering you the chance to finally see that bomb of yours do what it was meant to do.
00:35:27This is your chance for you to fulfill your destiny.
00:35:30You're a crazy lunatic.
00:35:32I ended up in prison thanks to you.
00:35:34And they threw me in a cell with a child molester and made me dress up like a little girl and sing the Barney song.
00:35:42You know, I love you, you love me.
00:35:46We're a happy family.
00:35:48All right, all right, enough already.
00:35:51I have someone here that wants to say hello to you.
00:35:54Say hello to your nerdy boyfriend, bomb girl.
00:35:57Jweebs, it's Lana. Don't you dare listen to him. He's crazy.
00:36:01Now listen up here, geek boy.
00:36:03If you don't get over here on the double and show me how to finish building this bomb,
00:36:06then I'm going to stretch out your little girlfriend until you won't be able to see her when she turns sideways.
00:36:11Don't do it, Jweebs.
00:36:13Have you heard one hair on her head?
00:36:16You'll what?
00:36:18Just get over here pronto or else it's so long, little Miss Thong.
00:36:24I'll be right over.
00:36:27Hello?
00:36:34Excuse me, sir. Can you give me your address so I can MapQuest you?
00:36:39Ah, jeez. Just stay put.
00:36:42I'll have Sally come and pick you up.
00:36:44Sure, sure, sure, sure. That would be...
00:36:47Sally, go pick up the nerd boy in the Chasmobile and make it quick.
00:36:52Okay, boss. I like Jweeble.
00:36:54Just get going.
00:36:56Oh, and Sally, by the way, stop by Mayor Boner's office on your way back.
00:37:01He'll have a little package waiting for you.
00:37:05You know, boss.
00:37:08The mayor is about to prove his loyalty to his number one assistant, D.A.
00:37:23Mayor Richard Boner here.
00:37:25Hello there, Mr. Mayor. Chas Chernobyl here.
00:37:28May I call you Dick Mayor Boner?
00:37:31No, you may not. What do you want?
00:37:35Do me a favor, Mayor, and go to your computer and type in www.chascam.com and tell me what you see.
00:37:44Chas Chernobyl, you are a despicable coward.
00:37:48I know you are, but what am I?
00:37:51Just do it, will ya?
00:37:59Chas, the criminal mind never ceases to amaze me.
00:38:05What evil lurks in the shadows of that sick, twisted brain of yours?
00:38:13Things you don't even want to know about.
00:38:16So stop your jabbering and do what I tell ya.
00:38:19I want you to go to the bank and fill a briefcase with ten million in unmarked bills and have it ready in one hour.
00:38:26My assistant will be by to pick it up at 10 p.m. sharp.
00:38:30And no tricks, Dick, or else the bimbo gets it.
00:38:35Who you callin' a bimbo?
00:38:37Not you, the other bimbo.
00:38:41I can't possibly gather that much money in one hour.
00:38:47Dark Widow, if you please.
00:38:51With pleasure, Chas.
00:39:05Time for the seventh inning stretch, doughboy.
00:39:09No!
00:39:17No!
00:39:31What sort of sick, twisted mind would create such a limpament of torture?
00:39:38Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
00:39:40Just wait till I get the big machine operational, and then there will be some real hell to pay.
00:39:46So just do what I say and get me the loot.
00:39:50And I'll talk to you again tomorrow.
00:39:52I got more demands for you.
00:39:56Nighty-night.
00:39:58Sleep tight.
00:40:00Don't let the beddybugs bite.
00:40:04Oh, the humanity!
00:40:19What is taking them so long? They should have been back by now.
00:40:22You'll never succeed in taking over Music City, Chas.
00:40:25The mayor's probably on the phone right now with a ghost.
00:40:28You'll never succeed in taking over Music City, Chas.
00:40:31The mayor's probably on the phone right now with the governor to send reinforcements.
00:40:35They'll have you surrounded in no time.
00:40:37We'll just see about that thong, girl.
00:40:42It's about time. What took you so long?
00:40:46Dweeble has the most awesome Pokemon collection, boss.
00:40:49Y'all see, he even has the original Pikachu.
00:40:51Never mind that. Did you get the loot?
00:40:54Oh yeah, the mayor had it ready and everything.
00:40:56And he had a message to give you, too.
00:40:58Yeah, what?
00:41:00He says your mama's so fat that when she stands on the scale, it says,
00:41:03To be continued.
00:41:15Mama.
00:41:24Mama.
00:41:43Where's my son?
00:41:46I said, where's my son?
00:41:54Where's my son?
00:42:14Boss, boss, you okay?
00:42:18All right, enough of this yappin'.
00:42:21Are you ready to get to work, geek boy?
00:42:23I won't do it.
00:42:25We'll see about that.
00:42:27Dark Widow.
00:42:41Ticklish boxer brief boy.
00:42:45Oh, I'm gonna tickle on my tights, Widow.
00:42:48Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:42:51Oh, I'm gonna tickle on my tights.
00:42:53Okay, okay, stop.
00:42:55I'll help you build the bomb, just let her go.
00:42:59I thought you'd see things my way.
00:43:02Sally, put these two in the dungeon until I figure out what to do with them.
00:43:06Okay, boss.
00:43:07And you, nerd face, get to work on that bomb.
00:43:10All right.
00:43:12All right.
00:43:13I think this calls for a little celebration, Dark Widow.
00:43:18Get to it, Einstein.
00:43:20You've got a lot of work to do.
00:43:47Ahh!
00:43:52Oh, this is another fine mess we've gotten ourselves into, huh, T.G.?
00:43:57You okay, girl?
00:43:59I think so.
00:44:01How about you?
00:44:04Everything seems intact.
00:44:06I'm so sorry I got you into this, Triple B.
00:44:09Why, if it weren't for me, you would be back at the salon
00:44:12cutting the hair of the country music stars.
00:44:14Oh, honey, it's all right.
00:44:16It ain't all it's cracked up to be.
00:44:18Oh, sure, the money's great, and the people are all so interesting.
00:44:26But, oh, they just think I'm their shrink.
00:44:28Oh, going on and on.
00:44:30What do I look like, Oprah?
00:44:32They want to tell me who their last fling was, who's sleeping with who.
00:44:36Hey, you want to hear the latest gossip on Kenny Chesney?
00:44:39No, that would just depress me more.
00:44:41Hold on.
00:44:42Psst, Lana, can you hear me?
00:44:44It's Dweebo.
00:44:45Oh, jeez!
00:44:46I've come to rescue you, Lana.
00:44:50Chaz and the Dark Widow went out to celebrate.
00:44:53They slipped a Mickey into my hot cocoa,
00:44:56and they thought that I was passed out.
00:44:59Luckily, I've devised a series of antihistamines for my nasal infections
00:45:04that counteract any invasive substances introduced into my system.
00:45:09It's really quite fascinating.
00:45:11The chemicals mix with the enzymes in my mucous memory that...
00:45:14Dweebo!
00:45:15Yes, Lana?
00:45:17Just get us out of here.
00:45:19Sure, sure, sure.
00:45:20I found an explosives detonator in the lab,
00:45:23and I think the combination of your ass-firing laser and the explosives detonator
00:45:28should be sufficient to blow the crap out of this door.
00:45:31Of course, as you know, the combustion phenomenon of propellants and explosives,
00:45:36when mixed together...
00:45:37Dweebo!
00:45:38Dweebo!
00:45:40Yes, Lana?
00:45:42Please, just get us out of here.
00:45:45Okay, Lana, you'll have to aim it precisely at the right spot on the door
00:45:49in order for it to work.
00:45:51Stand back, everybody.
00:45:53Asthma laser coming through.
00:45:55Dweeb, stand back.
00:45:57She's gonna blow.
00:46:09Okay, here we go.
00:46:18I don't know what's wrong.
00:46:20I've never had this happen before.
00:46:23I just can't seem to muster up the energy to use my ass-laser.
00:46:27Oh, honey, it's all right, it's all right.
00:46:29It'll all come back to you.
00:46:31Maybe it's just that time of the month.
00:46:34I don't know, Triple B.
00:46:36I just feel like I've lost my mojo.
00:46:40I am so tired.
00:46:44What's happening, Lana?
00:46:46Oh, Dweeb, I can't fire my ass-laser.
00:46:49Oh, this isn't good.
00:46:51If only we had some kind of nuclear device to trigger the detonator.
00:46:56Um...
00:46:58Will this help?
00:47:00Where did you get that?
00:47:02I saw it laying around the lab. I thought it might come in handy.
00:47:05Good work, Triple B.
00:47:07Okay, put the plutonium rod into the latch and then light it with these matches.
00:47:14Okay, here I go.
00:47:24Now stand back and shield your eyes.
00:47:35Oh, no!
00:47:52Well, that's one way to blow a lock.
00:47:55Let's get out of here before Chaz and Dark Widow return.
00:48:05THE DARK WIDOW
00:48:11We're talking about the anatomy of a...
00:48:14Her name was...
00:48:20Assistant D.A. Lana Leone.
00:48:22Lana, it's Mayor Boner.
00:48:25I'm afraid we have a real dilemma on our hands.
00:48:29Chaz Chernobyl claims we've gotten the big machine operational.
00:48:33And he and the Dark Widow are demanding unconditional surrender.
00:48:37And then, of course, there is the matter of that nuclear fallout that's covering Second Avenue.
00:48:42Have you been in touch with Thong Girl?
00:48:45I'm sorry, Mayor Boner. I haven't been able to reach Thong Girl.
00:48:49She's not answering her Thong phone.
00:48:52Give her a message when you see her, won't you?
00:48:55Tell her that Music City has fallen into criminal hands.
00:48:59Only she can save us from the evil clutches of Chaz Chernobyl and the Dark Widow.
00:49:06All right, Mayor. I'll tell her. Goodbye.
00:49:10THE DARK WIDOW
00:49:28I've got to go away for a little while, Stud Muffin.
00:49:31I've got to clear my head.
00:49:41THE DARK WIDOW
00:49:59Good day. If you are selling something, I am not interested.
00:50:02Are you the Maharishi Sanjay Gupta Lowenstein?
00:50:05Well, that depends on who is asking and for what purpose.
00:50:09I'm Assistant District Attorney Lana Leonmi, and I need your help.
00:50:13I hear you have incredible healing powers.
00:50:16And you are an expert in all forms of martial arts and weaponry.
00:50:19And I make a mean Bloody Mary, too. And what do you want?
00:50:23Well, I need your spiritual guidance.
00:50:25I seem to have had some kind of physical and mental collapse.
00:50:30I just can't seem to find my mojo.
00:50:33I would love to help you get your mojo back.
00:50:36Unfortunately, I have a little problem with lawyers.
00:50:39Messy divorce a few years ago.
00:50:42Lost the farm, so to speak.
00:50:44To this day, I blame my ex-wife and her shyster lawyer.
00:50:47Now, good day, ma'am.
00:50:50What is it now?
00:50:51You know, not all lawyers are bad.
00:50:53There are a lot of lawyers out there who do good deeds.
00:50:55And those deeds a lot of times go unnoticed.
00:50:58Tell that to my accountant, Saul Leibowitz.
00:51:01He's been going crazy trying to figure this mess out.
00:51:04That is why I became a holy man.
00:51:06Being a holy man makes a great tax shelter.
00:51:10Now, good day, ma'am.
00:51:14What is it now?
00:51:15They call me Thong Girl.
00:51:18Thong Girl?
00:51:21Well, why didn't you say so?
00:51:23That's a horse of a different color.
00:51:25Come on in.
00:51:35Thong Girl
00:51:44You sure look familiar.
00:51:46Have we met somewhere before?
00:51:48Uh, no.
00:51:50You must have me mistaken for some other five-foot-tall Maharishi
00:51:53with fake beard and Jewish accent.
00:51:56Want some coffee?
00:51:57I'll put a nice herbal tea.
00:51:59Uh, no, thank you.
00:52:00No.
00:52:02Thong Girl, I have heard of your plight.
00:52:05And I am willing to help you regain your motto as you call it
00:52:08and defeat all the evil doers of the world
00:52:11who threaten to destroy all the good citizens of Music City, USA.
00:52:16But first, you must give me something in return.
00:52:19Like what?
00:52:21Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.
00:52:24What?
00:52:25Sorry, wrong movie. Real change.
00:52:27I require the ring.
00:52:31My ring?
00:52:32Why would you want my ring?
00:52:34Do you not recall a mysterious stranger
00:52:37who gave you that ring on a trip to India several years ago?
00:52:41Why, yes. How did you know that?
00:52:43I know a lot of things, my child.
00:52:46It is no coincidence that you are here today.
00:52:50Our paths are predetermined by forces much higher than ourselves.
00:52:56Some call him Allah.
00:52:58Some call him Jesus, Mohammed, Krishna.
00:53:01Some even call him Oprah.
00:53:03Ahem.
00:53:04That ruby ring was given to you as a beacon
00:53:07that ultimately brought you here to me.
00:53:10Will you help me defeat Chas Chernobyl and the Dark Widow
00:53:13so that Music City can once again be a safe and respectable place
00:53:18for law-abiding citizens?
00:53:20Yes, yes, yes, and so much more.
00:53:23You will live here with a renewed self-confidence
00:53:26and a clearer vision of your place in the world.
00:53:29You will fly higher and fight stronger than you ever imagined.
00:53:35You will take your place among the greatest superheroes of all time
00:53:40and you will acquire powers you never knew you had.
00:53:43Great. When do we get started?
00:53:46There is no time like the present.
00:53:49We will start right now.
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00:56:28Leather lay on me, also known as Thong Girl!
00:56:36You have made great strides in the short time that you have been here.
00:56:41You are now prepared, both mentally and physically, to meet the challenges that await you.
00:56:47Thank you master. No get out there and kick some ass girl. I will sir
00:56:53By the way, are you sure we haven't met somewhere before you look awfully familiar. I don't understand a word you're saying I can't
00:57:00I'm a little different
00:57:14You have
00:57:16113 messages message 1 marked urgent
00:57:21Lana, this is Mayor Richard Boner. We've got a situation here. Please pick up
00:57:26message 2
00:57:28Marked really urgent when if you're there, please pick up
00:57:33Chance and the Dark Widow have taken over the city. We need phone girl
00:57:38message 113
00:57:40marked frantic
00:57:43Lana you've got to find phone girl. If ever we needed her it now
00:57:51Hi, you've reached assistant da Lana Leon me I'm not here right now, but please leave a message at the beep
00:57:59Lana
00:58:00Jazz is here. He wants to talk to you. Please pick up. Please. Give me that phone
00:58:08Listen up assistant da lady if you and your washed-up alter-ego thorn girl can hear me
00:58:13You better get down to the town hall pronto because I'm fixing to eliminate mayor bonehead and take over this town
00:58:20I'm going to count to three
00:58:23And if you don't pick up the mayor gets it one
00:58:28Two
00:58:31Thank goodness
00:58:33I just about give it up on you
00:58:35Rats, I was hoping you were dead thorn girl. Now, I guess I'm going to have to finish you off myself
00:58:43Wait, there's something different about you
00:58:48Is that a new hairstyle no a new cape perhaps, uh-uh, I got it
00:58:56It's the boots. You've got new boots. No, sir. Well, something's different you look
00:59:03Stronger somehow. Have you been working out?
00:59:08Well, I guess you could say that I found my mojo
00:59:13Well
00:59:16Sally say hello to thong girls new mojo get rid of okay boys
00:59:25I
00:59:44Just in time for the holidays, would you like your package gift-wrapped?
00:59:49Okay, I don't have time for this
00:59:52Say hello to my little friend thong girl. It's lights out for you. Now. I have a city to run
01:00:10Looks like you could use a little iron in your diet chest
01:00:14You're finished in this town Chaz you're going back to the big house and this time it's for good
01:00:22Well done thong girl well done
01:00:34Oh
01:00:36I'm so glad to see you. I'm sorry for all the trouble. I've caused. Oh, that's okay. Juice. It's not your fault
01:00:42Do you know where the Dark Widow is she's kidnapped Andy and taken over music row
01:00:48She has an office at Warner Brothers and she's turning all the country music stars in the hip-hop artists
01:00:53I better get over there on the double
01:00:56You can take it from here. Mr. Mayor. I'm headed over to music row to set the record straight if you know what I mean
01:01:02Set the record straight if you know what I mean
01:01:12Don't you worry I'll make sure these two villains are taken
01:01:18Girl god bless you
01:01:26I've told you miss Capri is not taking any calls cracker
01:01:32No, I'm sorry, mr. Chesney. She specifically told me not to accept any calls from you
01:01:38honky
01:01:39Well, look if you'd like to leave a number where you can be reached. I'm sure that you
01:01:44Kenny honey, you got to get out of town pronto
01:01:48This ho is tripping. She's gonna squash your little bony booty. You know what? I'm saying Mac daddy. I
01:01:55Believe I have an appointment with mr. Capri aka Dark Widow
01:02:01I knew you'd come for me
01:02:05Mommy it's been awful since you've been gone
01:02:09She makes me listen to Snoop Doggy doo-doo records all day long and I can hardly walk smallest bling
01:02:18And every time I try to escape
01:02:20She turns up the juice on this here electric collar
01:02:23Don't girl. She's turned all the country music stars in the hippity hop artist
01:02:28Right now she's in there doing a number on poor Willie Nelson
01:02:32What are we gonna do song girl? I think it's time for the Dark Widow to face the music
01:02:38Do you still have your superhero costume? You know, I do
01:02:42Okay, follow me triple B
01:02:48No, no, no
01:02:50If I told you once I told you a million times not way down yonder
01:02:55It's off in the hood now do it again
01:02:58Wanda I'm not sure I can say this stuff. I
01:03:03Come from a good Christian family
01:03:11It's for my glaucoma I swear
01:03:15Now do it again and this time with more soul. Hey, LaWanda. Remember me, you know
01:03:21I do a little music myself. In fact, here's one of my biggest hits
01:03:29You've gotten much stronger since the last time we met thong girl, I found my mojo
01:03:34Well, let's see how your mojo does up against my Motown. Oh, I'm about to read some sweet satisfaction on your ass
01:03:40Oh, no, no, hold up. Hold up. Hold up thong girl. I'll handle this one
01:03:44You're gonna have to go through me
01:03:46Sister
01:03:47You're becoming quite a nuisance little man. As a matter of fact, you make a terrible cup of coffee, whatever
01:03:53Why don't you try some of my juice? Bring it on
01:04:05Great gosh almighty I was free at last
01:04:09Free at last come on thong girl. Let's tag team this B. I take a hike Nelson
01:04:14You just been relieved from your contract
01:04:16Seems I'm not dressed appropriately for this occasion. Excuse me while I change into something more
01:04:32Over here thong girl
01:04:40Let's jam
01:04:44I
01:05:14I
01:05:44Much better than I gave you credit for thong girl, but with all your enhanced powers, you're still no match for the
01:05:51big machine
01:05:53You see while you're away a little boyfriend's weevil
01:05:56Developed a much more powerful bomb with a high-powered failsafe device that can only be disarmed by yours truly
01:06:03And with one hit of this button
01:06:05This missile is gonna be on to its intended target and that would be oh, don't tell me let me guess Brentwoodville ground zero
01:06:13Kenny Chesney's house
01:06:15Except this time there ain't no stopping it. LaWanda. You don't have to do this. There's still hope for you
01:06:21I have some friends in the music biz and I could pull some strings and get you a deal with one of the big labels
01:06:28in town
01:06:29Well, you could be a country music star
01:06:31Nice try thong girl, but I got bigger plans
01:06:36Goodbye music city
01:07:12Oh
01:07:14Oh
01:07:36Hello
01:07:38Lana hi, Lana. Are you? All right? LaWanda has activated the big machine. Can you disable the missile?
01:07:45I'm sorry, Lana. Once the missile is launched only she can stop it. I was afraid of that
01:07:51Unless unless what?
01:07:54Unless the detonating device on the missile meets a heat source ten times greater than the missile itself. How much heat would that take?
01:08:03Heat source known to man
01:08:05No, well, how about a woman a woman with a new and improved soon to be patented as firing laser
01:08:12Well, I suppose that could do it. Do you know anyone like that me you goofball gotta go
01:08:19Oh, sure. Sure. Be careful, Lana
01:08:23Time to show me what you got triple B. Oh, let's do it
01:08:27I
01:08:37Know what you mean triple B seems like we've been in this situation before
01:08:41Only this time the bomb is much more powerful. It's gonna take my full-blown new and improved ass laser to detonate this baby
01:08:53Okay, hold on little buddy I'm charging her up
01:08:57Oh
01:09:01Yeah, you did it you did it correction we
01:09:21And in recognition of your daring and selfless actions in the face of disaster
01:09:26Boxer brief boy, I present you the Distinguished Medal of Honor
01:09:33And
01:09:34Your very own key to the city which also happens to open the front door of country music star Keith Urban's home
01:09:41Oh, he's such a hottie. Okay
01:09:46And to you thong girl I present the award that's most coveted by every citizen of music city your very own
01:09:55CMA awards
01:09:58What did you say
01:10:09Well triple B another job well done
01:10:13We've saved the city from Chaz and the Dark Widow and once again
01:10:17The world is safe for all mall-botting citizens and hat-wearing country music stars. Yeah
01:10:22Are you thinking what I'm thinking, you know a girl let's go shopping
01:10:52She is a superhero
01:10:56Hasty justice in this world. She said to get back boys
01:11:05So if you're on the dark side
01:11:08And to break somebody's dreams
01:11:12You'll have to face her
01:11:22Oh
01:11:35Your answer to
01:11:44No matter where you come from
01:11:48New York, Nashville
01:11:50You have to face
01:12:20You can make
01:12:22A
01:12:24Oh
01:12:51You
01:12:54Oh