Please Sir - S01E04 - A Near Greek Tragedy
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08:31song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little
09:01bit of a song, and I'm going to play you a little bit of a song, and I'm going to play
09:31Pick up!
09:45Excuse me.
09:47That sound is for anti-incendiary purposes, not for stubborn old fags.
09:51Yes, hello.
09:53Forgive, please, I do not speak English good.
09:56I've just bring to school my sister.
09:59He's a naughty boy, but he's here.
10:02Now I go. Thank you. Good day.
10:05Oi, just a minute.
10:07You can't slope off like that. You know, there's still that matter of your dog in.
10:11Dog? I don't bring dog, bring sister.
10:15Oh, falling back on the no-comprehending English, are we now, eh? I see.
10:19Well, hello. Well, who are you then, an eye-tie?
10:21Signal me. You speak a little words, then I understand.
10:26Where are you from?
10:29Ah, Ethel Street.
10:31Ethel Street. Oh, I see. You're one of that Cypriot crew, are you?
10:35Yes, Cypriot.
10:37Yeah, there's nothing but Cypriots down there now, isn't there?
10:40You've turned that street into a right grotto.
10:43I'll have you know, there used to be a whelk stall down Ethel Street.
10:47Ah, dictionary. I look up whelk stall, then we talk more.
10:51But you must help.
10:53Help? Oh, I thought so, I thought so.
10:55Back she, she. That's what you're all after the minute you get off that boat, isn't it, eh?
10:59Whelk stall's not here.
11:01An Englishman can't garner the labour no more, you know.
11:03And you know why? I'll tell you why.
11:04Because this place is packed out with a lot of foreign bastards like you.
11:07Yes, and you've no respect for property, have you?
11:09Coming over here, buying houses, stamping out fags on floors.
11:12Poor Mrs Pierce has got to get down on that floor and repolish it.
11:15And her brother was wounded in Burma.
11:17You conveniently forget all that, don't you?
11:20Ah, found something in your little book, have you?
11:22Yes.
11:23Yeah, what have you found?
11:24I find.
11:25Yeah, what have you found?
11:26I find a classroom.
11:29I can show up to help, you know.
11:31All I say is help to speak English, and you call Nicholas a bad word.
11:35Oh, look, stand aside, old son, will you?
11:37Look, I want to go to the toilet.
11:38You call Nicholas a bad word once more, and last word.
11:43Why?
11:44Nicholas is dead.
11:46Oh, look, I'm really, I'm bursting.
11:48Yes!
11:51I've seen knives, you know.
11:53I was in the desert.
11:57Think it can frighten an old desert ram with knives?
12:09For the last time, Abbott, I am not a karate expert.
12:13Well, what about when you dumped Potter up in the playground?
12:15He slipped on his coke.
12:17I'm going to get a bag delivered up here, then,
12:19because you're going to need it if I'm a choreostat.
12:21The boy's name is Appabelagopoulos,
12:23and I won't have you or any other member of this class call him anything else.
12:26I'll call him something else if he comes here with me again.
12:29He thinks he can take anything he fancies, he does.
12:32Yes, well, that's not really what I meant, Sharon.
12:35It's just that it shows lack of consideration
12:37to use the name of a Greek Orthodox archbishop as a nickname.
12:41Isn't that funny?
12:42Only last Sunday, Montigny-Sotboff came out with something like that.
12:45Oh, hallelujah!
12:47Your tongue will split in half if you blaspheme, Peter.
12:50All right, Maureen, this seems to be relevant
12:52to the subject of religious tolerance.
12:54Tell us what Montigny-Sotboff did say.
12:57Oh, well, he said,
12:59seeing how this is the time of the great ecumenical movement,
13:03it mustn't take the mick out of other religions,
13:06even if they are wrong.
13:08Look, it don't matter whether Abbott's a Greek Orthodox
13:12or a Latter-day Adventurist.
13:14He's still a psycho!
13:16Don't be ridiculous, Duffy.
13:18What else would you call a bloke what set fire to the ATC Act
13:21just cos he was a made corporal?
13:24Did he really?
13:26What gets me is, he'd only joined the day before.
13:29All right, all right, you've sidetracked me quite long enough.
13:32We'll get back to the English now.
13:34I'll deal with Epiphalagophilus when the time arises.
13:39It's a riz, mate. It's a riz.
13:42Epiphalagophilus.
13:45Here, here.
13:47All right?
13:50Thank you.
14:12Stand up, Epiphalagophilus, and get out of my classroom
14:15and knock on the door.
14:17Go and then explain where you've been.
14:40All right, Epiphalagophilus, you may come in now.
14:48Epiphalagophilus?
14:56What are you doing?
15:02I didn't know you'd organised a fire drill.
15:05I haven't, Headmaster. It must be the real thing.
15:08What, the real thing? Oh, fire!
15:11Doris...
15:14Ah!
15:16Doris! Doris!
15:18Doris!
15:25Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Smitty!
15:27Hey, Smitty, come on, wake up! Wake up, Smitty!
15:29Come on, you mustn't miss this.
15:31With any luck, Fenster's going to be burnt to the bloody ground.
15:37Ding, ding. Ding, ding.
15:39Bleeding false alarm.
15:41Yeah, you see, Oliver, come on, we'll come flying out with his rubber plough.
15:44What a thing to say first, eh?
15:46Yeah, I'd have gone for me insurance on holiday.
15:48Well, what I'd have done, I'd have grabbed old Mather Ewell,
15:51tied her up and left her to fry.
15:53Hey, she's stronger than you are.
15:55She ain't, Eric. Not when I'm aroused.
16:01You told me washing was showering.
16:03Well, I had to save you the nice shower. It was an emergency.
16:06It wasn't till you started, Andy.
16:09Yay, Andy!
16:12All right, all right. Settle down.
16:15Let's apply ourselves to the glamour of clause analysis.
16:20Where is Appa Bellagopolis?
16:22He's not here, cos that's where he sits.
16:25Thank you very much, Dunstable.
16:39Oh, look!
16:43Oh, look, Appa Bellagopolis.
16:45I'm going to be very charitable and assume
16:47that you couldn't come into the classroom last time
16:49because the fire alarm went.
16:51So get out of my classroom,
16:53knock on the door, as I told you to do before.
17:04Oh, look, Appa Bellagopolis.
17:07Ooh.
17:10Oh, no.
17:16Come on, boy, you're turning!
17:24APPLAUSE
17:36APPLAUSE
17:46Prank?
17:48Well, it's not my idea of a prank.
17:50Let me tell you, it costs a lot of money
17:52every time an appliance leaves the station.
17:54Would you sooner we set fire to the place now
17:56just to make it worth your while?
17:58Price.
18:00I can only repeat that we're very sorry about the whole incident.
18:03Two incidents?
18:05If it makes you feel any better, we've caught the boy responsible.
18:08Well, I hope he gets a damn good hiding.
18:11I'm sure the headmaster will know what to do.
18:14All right, Hedges, leave this to me.
18:18Now, you did sound the fire alarm?
18:21Yes, sir.
18:23Twice?
18:25Yes, sir.
18:27Deliberately?
18:29Yes, sir.
18:31Then we shall have to consider the question of punishment.
18:35Please, sir, may I say something, sir?
18:37Yes, Abapelagopoulos, you may.
18:39Sir, I feel so very, very guilty
18:41and sorry to have caused you all this trouble, sir,
18:44because I know that the masters have been so very kind with me, sir,
18:47and I'm afraid I've let them down, sir.
18:53Yes, sir.
18:55Abapelagopoulos, this is going to hurt.
18:57Realising your crime and being sorry for it,
19:01that is your punishment.
19:03Your punishment?
19:05You will have to bear it, my boy.
19:07Oh, I try, sir, I try.
19:11Oh, hell's bells!
19:13Hedges, I know what that little outburst meant.
19:16You don't consider that I've punished the boy, do you?
19:18No, sir, I don't.
19:19The Mikado, Hedges.
19:21Pardon?
19:22My object all sublime, I shall achieve in time
19:25to make the punishment fit the crime,
19:27the punishment fit the crime, you see.
19:29Well, he ought to have been run over by a fire engine then.
19:32I'm alluding to, um, to sublime judgment, Hedges.
19:35Sir, he is getting away with it.
19:38A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment.
19:41Oh, I wish I could sing.
19:43It was Heddle Nash I saw. What a performance.
19:45No, no, no, it was Owen Branigan.
19:48Sir, we are talking about Abapelagopoulos.
19:50I'm perfectly well aware of what we're talking about, Hedges,
19:52and I do not very much care for your attitude.
19:54I'm sorry, sir, but this boy has behaved like a lout today.
19:57He deserves a caning at least.
19:59That brutality was Hitler's particular weapon.
20:05It is not mine, Hedges.
20:07I'm sorry, sir, I'm not in favour of caning,
20:09but in this particular case...
20:10Particular?
20:11Yes.
20:12Hedges, do you know that this boy is a Greek Cypriot?
20:15Yes.
20:16Then I put it to you that you are allowing your judgment
20:19to be influenced by racial prejudice.
20:22Oh, not all that all over again.
20:23Unhappily, yes.
20:25And we will thrash the matter out here and now.
20:27All right, sir, but wouldn't it be better
20:29to get rid of Abapelagopoulos and then we can talk about it?
20:32There you are, my dear boy.
20:33You see, when you choose, you can be as rational as the next man.
20:37Right, Abapelagopoulos, where the hell's he gone now?
20:52Abapelagopoulos!
20:54Abapelagopoulos!
20:57That's what I like about this staff room at lunchtime,
21:00the constant hum of intellectual inquiry.
21:03Price!
21:04Hang on, Vicar.
21:06Sodium plus acid equals explosion.
21:09I've just discovered that two pints of bitterly cooked
21:11sewer pudding has the same effect.
21:14Ah, that's better.
21:16Price, do you know what the headmaster's just done with Abapelagopoulos?
21:20Yeah, I got him to confess,
21:22gave him a pat on the top of his pointed little head
21:25and probably slipped him a couple of tickets to the fireman's ball.
21:28Yeah, something like that.
21:29How did you know?
21:30Because that's what he always does.
21:31Look, if you're going to dish out corporal punishment,
21:33do it yourself with the back of a gym slipper.
21:35I always do.
21:36Yeah, well, I feel more like capital punishment with that little tyke.
21:39That's better.
21:40Oh, you do descend from the clouds after all.
21:42Yes, when I get hold of him, I'm...
21:46No, that's wrong.
21:47Ah, ah, ah, you're off again?
21:49No.
21:50How long have I known that boy, Price?
21:52One morning?
21:53One morning, and I jumped straight to the conclusion that the answer is to beat him.
21:56I should be asking myself why he behaves the way he does.
21:59I should be trying to help him.
22:00I'll throw up in a minute.
22:02There must be some psychological reason why he behaves the way he does.
22:06He probably doesn't get enough affection at home.
22:08I'm sure there was a tambourine around here somewhere.
22:14Mixed company, Mr Price.
22:16I never said a word.
22:18Your trousers.
22:20Oh, showing my medals, am I?
22:23I only did it to give her a bit of a thrill.
22:27I've got it!
22:29Mr Hedges, do the darnings of your ideas always have to be so noisy?
22:33Sorry, Miss Ewell, but I know why Apopelagophilus behaves the way he does.
22:37Now, the boy is a Greek Cypriot, right?
22:39He's got limited English vocabulary.
22:41Result? Frustration arising from his inability to communicate.
22:45Solution? Extra English classes.
22:47Why don't we set up special English courses for immigrant children with a language problem?
22:52Read.
22:55Special English courses for immigrant children with a lang...
23:00Quite. Again, it's already been thought of.
23:03Well, does it go then?
23:04Of course not.
23:06We've sent at least four of those to his parents,
23:09asking for their cooperation,
23:11and received nothing in reply.
23:13Well, I must be off.
23:15Playing hooky?
23:17I'm going to a teaching conference,
23:20deputising for Mr Cromwell.
23:23Good afternoon.
23:25There she goes, a symphony in tweed.
23:27I bet she even wears tweed drawers.
23:32I just thought, I wonder where the factory is that turns them out.
23:35Well, I'm off.
23:36What are you going to do?
23:37I'm going to have another stab at Apopelagophilus.
23:39Well, use a knife.
23:40Another one for me.
23:43You in the school football team then, Lansdavel?
23:45No, don't.
23:46Then what for you got football shirt on? Ain't you got no proper shirt, huh?
23:49Leave him alone, you.
23:50I know, Bobby Moore want you in England team, huh?
23:52I'm only wearing it, get off.
23:54Why don't you stop aggravating my choreos?
23:57I know, your mum, she don't give you no shirt, huh?
24:00She can't, can she? She's in hospital.
24:02And I know why.
24:03You make her ill because you're so stupid.
24:05No, I never, I didn't.
24:07Oh, God, no.
24:08Come on, Eric.
24:11You want it sitting down?
24:12What?
24:13What for you want to fight? It was just a joke, wasn't it?
24:16Well, one more little joke with my mate, then.
24:19Yeah.
24:20And you won't have no teeth to laugh with.
24:22Because he'll be pushed right down the back of your big mouth, right?
24:27Right.
24:28Just as well we as privet.
24:35What's wrong?
24:38All right, what's been going on?
24:40Going on, sir?
24:41Oh, nothing, sir.
24:42We was just like all a gog at the thought of two periods of environmental studies.
24:47Really?
24:49Ah.
24:52No, no, I don't want you to go.
24:54I want to talk to you. Sit down.
24:59Now, Apollon, I want you to be happy at school.
25:03Why?
25:05Well, we'll talk about that later, privately.
25:07I just want you to take this home and get it signed by your parents.
25:11I already had four. I don't take.
25:14Why?
25:15Because you want to put me in class with the little kids. You want to make joke of me, huh?
25:22Now, don't be silly. I'm sure there are children of all different ages in these classes.
25:26You don't like the Cipri. You hate the Cipri. Tell him that's it.
25:29No, that's nonsense. I want to help you.
25:31I don't bloody take.
25:34Oh, yes, you do.
25:37Okay, I bloody take. Now.
25:39Now, don't you dare walk out of this class. You get stuffed.
25:43Karate, karate.
25:44You come back here and apologise.
25:46You hit me.
25:48Ah, no, don't be silly. You're not hurt.
25:49But you bloody hurt. You bloody hurt so good you're bloody dead.
25:52Let Uncle Nicholas, he come and get you tonight.
26:01Here, have a fag.
26:04Thank you very much.
26:06Oh, put them away.
26:08Look, you sit down for a while, sir, and then ring for the police, eh?
26:12Now, why should I do that, Maureen?
26:14Because if he says his Uncle Nicholas will be waiting for you tonight, he will be.
26:20This was very kind of you, Maureen, but I'm hardly likely to be panicked by the threat of somebody's uncle.
26:25I would be.
26:27You would be, would you, Percy?
26:29You ain't seen Nicholas. He's like a gorilla.
26:33Where do you think you come?
26:34Where do you think you come?
26:35His family, innit?
26:36Look, Nicholas went all the way up to Newcastle the other week
26:39to do some fellow who only insulted a second cousin or something.
26:43Did he?
26:44Straight up, sir.
26:45I mean, the only bloke who's ever handled him is Elf's big brother, Monty.
26:48And he had to use his loading hook to do it and all.
26:50Oh, no.
27:02Wait, please.
27:05You know your trouble. You don't take enough exercise.
27:10Oh, sorry. Sorry.
27:14Old gas bag.
27:15Can't help it, boy.
27:16No, no, no. Cromwell, he trapped me in the corridor.
27:18We had the whole of the gondoliers this time.
27:21One night, I wanted to get away a bit early.
27:22Why?
27:24Nothing. I just want to go home, that's all.
27:25Oh, I don't shout.
27:26What's got your feathers ruffled, anyway?
27:28Nothing.
27:32Price.
27:33Eh?
27:38Who are those two?
27:43Oh, dear, there's Uncle Nicholas, the butcher of Ethnol Street,
27:45and one of his choppers.
27:48Who is he after, I wonder?
27:53Oh, good night.
27:55Look, Price, I just thought we might walk home together.
27:57Well, you've got another thing coming. I'm off.
28:00Thank you very much, Price.
28:17DOOR KNOCKS
28:48Oh!
28:55See he's come for you then, sir.
28:57I did notice somebody in the...
29:00That would be...
29:02That would be Nicholas, would it?
29:03That's him.
29:04Yes, I thought so.
29:06Well, what are you two still doing here?
29:08Ah, we couldn't just shoot off, leave you to be thumped up.
29:11Thanks very much.
29:13We know the best way out.
29:14Thanks very much.
29:15We know the best way out.
29:16You can sort it with Nicholas, yeah.
29:19No, I can't accept.
29:20Oh, she can.
29:21We're 5C.
29:22It's all the same form, innit?
29:24Duffy,
29:26Craven,
29:27I can't tell you how much I appreciate this,
29:28but ask yourself this question.
29:30What sort of an example would I be setting
29:32if I asked 5C to fight for me?
29:35Fight?
29:36We think we are mad.
29:38We wouldn't tangle with Nicholas.
29:40We just can't tell you the best way to take a three-and-over
29:42with the least possible internal damage.
29:44You know, kidneys and spleens and that.
29:48Spleens?
29:49Right, here's what you do.
29:51First off, when he puts you down,
29:53stay down.
29:55Then, when the boot comes in,
29:57knees up, guard the cobblers.
30:01Then, arms over the face,
30:03elbows went in the side.
30:05See?
30:06Well, what can I do from there?
30:07Nothing.
30:08Just hope he gets tired and moves on.
30:10Good night, Chief.
30:11Good night. Good luck.
30:20When you go down, stay down.
30:23Hands over the face to guard the cobblers.
30:27Ah, no good.
30:29It must have rolled under something.
30:32I'm taking the wife to the Sound of Music tonight.
30:37Jolly good.
30:39That is, I was assuming that my school premises are clear
30:42and by the stipulated time,
30:44I should be able to go to bed.
30:46I'm sorry.
30:47I'm sorry.
30:48I'm sorry.
30:49I'm sorry.
30:50I'm sorry.
30:51I'm sorry.
30:52I'm sorry.
30:53I'm sorry.
30:54I'm sorry.
30:55By the stipulated time, which was five minutes ago...
31:01Hm?
31:06Actually, I had intended to stay on for a couple of minutes,
31:09do some extra work, Potter.
31:10Out of the question.
31:11The rules state that the premises must be clear
31:14before the schoolkeeper, e.g. me, you see,
31:17can go on to his own personal life.
31:20There's a couple of fellas waiting at the gates to bash me up.
31:23What, at my school gates?
31:24Yes, have a look for yourself. Larger's life.
31:26We'll soon find out about that, won't we?
31:35Here, it's that Nicholas.
31:37But it's all right, he's not on the school premises,
31:39he's just out in the road.
31:40He's in the playground!
31:42Now, look, my film started half past six.
31:44Now, come on, it's you he wants.
31:45And you're going to see Julie Andrews.
31:48Well, at least she doesn't start race riots.
31:53Come on.
32:04CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
32:06CROSS EVERY SEA
32:24CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
32:50You hedges!
32:52Oh, hello.
32:53How do you do?
33:00Yes, sorry, that's all Greek to me.
33:02I have come for you to kill my sister.
33:05I don't know your sister.
33:07You do, you lie!
33:09I don't, I don't know any Cypriot girls, I wish I did.
33:12I mean, no, no.
33:13Apollon, my sister.
33:15No, no, no, Apollon's your nephew.
33:18What?
33:19Nephew.
33:20Nephew?
33:21Nephew?
33:22Not sister?
33:23No, no, no, no.
33:24Thank you.
33:25I have come for you to kill my nephew.
33:29Still not quite right.
33:31Is it right?
33:32His honour!
33:33No, no, I mean the English.
33:36English isn't right.
33:37You see...
33:40All right, you schoolmister.
33:43You teach what I mean to say.
33:48Right.
33:49Right, would you care to...
33:52Right.
33:55Well, I think what you're trying to say is that you have come to kill...
34:05Yes, good.
34:08Kill me for your nephew.
34:11You see, N-E-F-P-H-U here.
34:16Nephew.
34:17Nephew.
34:18Right.
34:19Nephew is, in fact, masculine.
34:22Masculine.
34:24Masculine.
34:25That's...
34:26Masculine is...
34:29Ho!
34:31See, masculine.
34:33Masculine is...
34:36Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
34:41Ah, the masculine!
34:43Right, good, good.
34:45And sister is feminine.
34:48Feminine.
34:49Oh, dear.
34:52Yes, feminine is...
34:57See, feminine is...
34:59No, feminine...
35:01Oh, no.
35:03Feminine.
35:04Ah, the feminine!
35:08No, I won't have it, that's very awfully kind of you.
35:11Ah, then I say I have come to kill me.
35:17No, no, you.
35:19You, this is you, you see.
35:21You have come to kill me, I'm afraid.
35:26Let's try it together.
35:28You have come to kill me.
35:33Good.
35:34And I...
35:35Excuse me, may I?
35:36I have come to kill you.
35:40Good.
35:41We have come to kill him.
35:45Good.
35:46And he has come to kill us.
35:50Very good.
35:51Ah, now I understand.
35:55I have come to kill you.
35:59That's right.
36:00Ha, ha, ha!
36:01Ha, ha, ha!
36:02Ha!
36:03Ha, ha, ha!
36:04It's not so easy now, you nicer fellow.
36:07Would more nice fellows send a bad letter?
36:10I didn't send any bad letter.
36:12You see, you nicer fellow, but you're still lying.
36:15This one.
36:17You say many bad things about Cypriot people,
36:20family Ababelakovlis,
36:22even a Cypriot haircutter.
36:25Oh, didn't you read it?
36:26No, Nicholas, he don't read English.
36:28Oh, I see, and his parents don't either.
36:31No.
36:32Well, don't you see what the little...
36:34Bastard!
36:36Ha, ha, ha!
36:37Yeah!
36:38Ha, ha, ha!
36:39Ha!
36:41Don't you see what he's done?
36:43He says bad things.
36:45You see, there are no bad things.
36:47I'll read it to you.
36:49No, no, Spiros, he read English.
36:51He speak to me in Greek.
36:52Hello, Ivo.
36:55Ah!
36:57Mr. School Misses,
37:00what can I say?
37:03Spiros,
37:05he say many bad things.
37:08I know.
37:09You and me,
37:11we catch Apollo.
37:12Yes.
37:13Beat him.
37:14Good.
37:15Ah!
37:16I think I'll just settle for a drink.
37:18Ah, yes, we good friends now.
37:21Who do?
37:22Much good.
37:23Ha, ha!
37:24Ha, ha, ha!
37:25Ha, ha, ha!
37:26Ha, ha, ha!
37:27Ha, ha, ha!
37:28You can't frighten an old desert rat, you know.
37:32Stop babbling and open this door immediately.
37:34I'm fully armed.
37:36I didn't intend to come back this evening.
37:38It's just as well I did.
37:40Oh, monsieur.
37:41Are you drunk?
37:42No, no, no.
37:43It's them Cypriots.
37:44They're everywhere.
37:45Cypriots?
37:46Ha, ha, ha!
37:47Ha, ha, ha!
37:48Ha, ha, ha!
37:49Ha, ha, ha!
37:50Ha, ha, ha!
37:51Ha, ha, ha!
37:52I have come to kill you.
37:55You have come to kill us.
37:58We have come to kill you.
38:00We have come to kill you.
38:03We have come to kill us.
38:06Ha, ha, ha!
38:16Ha, ha, ha!
38:17Ha, ha, ha!
38:33Oh.
38:34♪♪
38:44♪♪