Trouble in the Air. (1948 film)
A radio commentator is sent to a village to broadcast a bell-ringing team.
Jimmy Edwards ... B. Barrington Crockett
Joyce Golding ... Miss Polly Clinch
Bill Owen ... 1st Spiv
Malcolm Russell ... Sir Charles Newdigate
Laurence Naismith ... Tom Hunt
Jon Pertwee ... Truelove
Sam Costa ... 2nd Spiv
Lisa Lee ... Mrs. Hunt
Dennis Vance ... Larry Somers
Stella Hamilton ... April Newdigate
Lionel Murton ... 1st Boy
David Liney ... 2nd Boy (as David Lines)
Gerald Kent ... Mr. Barnes
Patsy Drake ... Cockett's Secretary
Harry Fowler
Sam Kydd
Directed by Charles Saunders
Jimmy Edwards ... B. Barrington Crockett
Joyce Golding ... Miss Polly Clinch
Bill Owen ... 1st Spiv
Malcolm Russell ... Sir Charles Newdigate
Laurence Naismith ... Tom Hunt
Jon Pertwee ... Truelove
Sam Costa ... 2nd Spiv
Lisa Lee ... Mrs. Hunt
Dennis Vance ... Larry Somers
Stella Hamilton ... April Newdigate
Lionel Murton ... 1st Boy
David Liney ... 2nd Boy (as David Lines)
Gerald Kent ... Mr. Barnes
Patsy Drake ... Cockett's Secretary
Harry Fowler
Sam Kydd
Directed by Charles Saunders
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
01:00♪
01:06♪
01:13♪
01:21♪
01:27So, sir, I shall be arriving with my apparatus and entire staff to broadcast your gymnastic display.
01:34Yours faithfully, B. Barrington Curry.
01:37Now we come to the really important letter, to the Director General, sir.
01:42Reference your memo of today's date.
01:44I am staggered by the unjustifiable, nay, libelous allegations contained therein.
01:49I am deeply distressed that you should see fit to report to the Director General, sir.
01:54I am staggered by the unjustifiable, nay, libelous allegations contained therein.
01:59I am deeply distressed that you should see fit to persist in accusations against me which include...
02:04Where's that memo?
02:07Drunk in charge of a microphone, willful destruction of sound recording apparatus,
02:11the broadcasting of undesirable language,
02:14and urging the Director of Outside Broadcasting to attempt an impossible feat.
02:18I absolutely refuse to render any further explanation at all.
02:21Not once.
02:22Are you really going to send it, Mr. Cockett?
02:24Send it?
02:27No.
02:29Of course I can't send it.
02:31Start again.
02:33My dear sir, thank you very much for your kind memo,
02:36so justifiably inquiring into the unfortunate occurrences attended upon my broadcast on the 25th instant.
02:42Herewith the explanation for which you so rightly call.
02:48In order that you may have a clear idea of what led up to the ghastly predicament in which I found myself,
02:53let me describe to you the village of Crumbledon-in-the-Dale before my arrival.
02:57Sleepy, peaceful, without a care in the world.
03:00As you know, Crumbledon is world famous for its team of handbell ringers,
03:03and I was detailed to arrange for them to broadcast in our program, Country News.
03:07The team consisted of Miss Clinch, the village storekeeper,
03:10Sir Charles Newdick at the squire,
03:12Larry Summers, who ran the local garage,
03:15and his father, Fred Summers, who was Sir Charles' butler.
03:19Sir Charles' home, Newdicket Manor, had seen better days,
03:22and so had the Newdicket fortunes.
03:24Money was an unknown quantity,
03:26and at the time of which I am writing,
03:28the squire's personal wealth amounted to three enigmas and two suits of armour.
03:31Indeed, but for the energetic sorties into the village and surrounding countryside of his faithful family retainer,
03:36it is doubtful whether the honest squire would ever have eaten a square meal.
04:15What do you two want? Two bars of chocolate.
04:17Got your points? No points. No chocolate? Good morning.
04:20Have you any brown biscuits? Yes.
04:22We'll mend them, then.
04:24Morning, Nick. Good morning.
04:27What do you two want? Two bars of chocolate.
04:29Got your points? No points. No chocolate? Good morning.
04:32Have you any brown biscuits? Yes.
04:34We'll mend them, then.
04:36Morning, Nick. Good morning.
04:56Good morning. Good morning.
04:59Get out! I've just popped in to buy...
05:01You can just pop up out again, because the squire already owes me £257.
05:06And a new debt! Don't get excited, Polly.
05:09You know what it does to you. Besides, it isn't only for us.
05:12The squire's little niece is coming from Australia today.
05:15The squire can go to where I went to last Sunday.
05:18You wouldn't want to starve, would you? You can starve until you pay.
05:21Well, I will pay. Look.
05:26Oh, no! Take it away!
05:29Well, it's beautiful stuff. Feel the quality. It's pre-war.
05:32Besides, you never know when you might want to walk into the fields these dark nights.
05:36Ah, well, perhaps not.
05:38My backroom's full of your junk already!
05:41Look at it!
05:43Look at it! Look at it!
05:57Hey!
06:00It's just talk!
06:02Oh, no! What? What?
06:26Oh, no, you don't.
06:28I was only going to film me light, eh?
06:30There's barely a light here. An old crook.
06:32If you weren't my father, I'd see you in jail.
06:34How's business, Larry? Fine. Couldn't be busier.
06:36Oh, the train's good, eh? Yes, grand.
06:38Sold that off, Stevie? Good price, too.
06:40Mm, and how about you?
06:42Oh, no, you don't.
06:44I was only going to film me light, eh?
06:46There's barely a light here. An old crook.
06:48If you weren't my father, I'd see you in jail.
06:50How's business, Larry? Fine. Couldn't be busier.
06:52Oh, the train's good, eh? Yes, grand.
06:55Sold that off, Stevie? Good price, too.
06:57Mm, and how about you?
06:59I knew there was a catch in it. No.
07:01Ah, I thought not.
07:03Well, it's very sad, you know. Very sad.
07:05What's sad?
07:07There'll soon be another little mouse to feed now.
07:09Dad! You haven't been...
07:11No, no, the Squire's little niece is coming to stay,
07:13and we were hoping to give the poor little mouse a square meal.
07:15Oh, well, I suppose you'll have to starve now.
07:17Look, Dad, I'll keep you,
07:19but I won't keep the Squire or his little niece,
07:21if she exists.
07:27There's Mr. Parrish in under this mobile drawing room.
07:29Come on, come on, get that old rat trap out of here!
07:42HE LAUGHS
07:53CHOO CHOO!
07:55CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO!
07:57CHOO CHOO!
08:06HE CHUCKLES
08:08Oh, just sorting out a few toys
08:10A few toys for the tots, sirs. Do little girls like trains?
08:14I don't know, sir Charles. I was only a little boy myself.
08:17Here. I thought you promised to practice, sir Charles.
08:20I know, but...
08:21Yes, it was lack of practice that made you mess up Daisy last Sunday.
08:24Oh, summers.
08:25Sounded more like a fireman's outing.
08:27I was more concerned with my little niece.
08:30By the way, sir, don't babies need certain particles of equipment?
08:35Don't worry. I found one in the box room.
08:37Good man.
08:39Pink roses.
08:40I remember.
08:42Oh, by the way, what about, um, napkins?
08:46Well, won't she wear a bib?
08:48Oh, I see. It's all right. I'm working on that.
08:51Summers, you're a great help.
08:53In any case, perhaps she's older than you think.
08:55She's probably a little girl with plaits and long black stockings.
09:00Good morning.
09:02Good morning.
09:04Can you drive me to Newdigit Manor?
09:06Newdigit Manor?
09:07Do you know it?
09:08Only too well. Here we are.
09:11No, no, I'll come in front with you.
09:13Most of my passengers like to sit in the back and play home, James.
09:16In that case, home, James.
09:20Bill.
09:22Bill.
09:23Sir, sir, there's a taxi coming up the drive.
09:26It'll be the niece. Must have caught the early train.
09:29Come on, sir.
09:30It'll be the niece. Must have caught the early train.
09:33Come on, Summers. Let's give the little thing a rousing welcome.
09:55Uncle Charles, it's me, April.
09:58Long black stockings. Must be a lot older than I thought.
10:02My dear child. April, welcome to my home.
10:05Oh, Uncle, would you mind paying the taxi, please? I've run out of money.
10:09So have I. Summers, settle the taxi, will you?
10:12Yes, Ed.
10:15Well, cheerio, Larry.
10:16Hey, Dad, you still want that pound you asked for?
10:19I'll tell you I haven't got it.
10:21Eh? Now, look here.
10:23If a certain young lady around here needs a taxi...
10:25Yes, I know, I know. Send her somewhere else.
10:26No, no, no. Quite the reverse. Put in a good word for me, will you?
10:29Lovely eyes.
10:32Yeah, she's got the ladder in the left one.
10:37Must be careful of the chair by the fire. It's a bit rickety.
10:40Ah, Summers, paid the taxi? Yes, sir.
10:42Oh, excellent.
10:44Oh, I'll just keep the change. Easier to reckon what I owe you.
10:47Come along, April. I'll show you your room.
10:49Summers, bring Miss April's bags up, will you?
10:51You mustn't mind the cradle in your room.
10:53Summers was expecting a baby. Really?
10:56Yes.
11:15All right. Now, ready? One, two.
11:18Tinkle, tink, tink.
11:20Oh, here, let me show you again. It's tinkle, tink, tink.
11:23Tink, not tunk.
11:25You get in your tunks, mix it with your tinkles.
11:28Here, try again.
11:35Oh, no, no. Ah, it's you. Now what are you playing?
11:39It wasn't me. It was the front door, you blithering old ass.
11:42Go and answer it at once. Eh?
11:44Oh!
11:46Good afternoon.
11:48Good afternoon.
11:50There appears to be something the matter with your bill.
11:53Well, what are you doing up there?
11:55It's all right. Get down.
12:01Rather shaky, then, isn't it?
12:05I say, what's the charge on your bill?
12:07Oh, it's nothing, sir. It's nothing.
12:09It's nothing. It's nothing.
12:11It's nothing. It's nothing.
12:13Is Sir Charles Newdick at the inn?
12:16That depends. Don't worry, my good man.
12:18I'm not trying to sell anything.
12:20I'm B. Barrington Cockett, the broadcaster.
12:22You've heard of me, of course. You haven't?
12:24Well, I've got a proposition for your master.
12:26Well, all right.
12:28Come this way, sir.
12:31This way, sir.
12:34You will be good enough to wait here, sir.
12:37Bless you.
12:39I will tell Sir Charles that you have called.
12:44Shut up!
12:51There's a gentleman called B. Barrington Beckett,
12:54or Buckett, Stickett, Stuffett or something.
12:56Anyway, he says he's got a financial proposition.
12:59Put or take? Take, I suppose.
13:01Oh, all right. If he's after money, he's wasting his time,
13:03so I might as well see him.
13:05Very good, Sir Charles.
13:07This way, sir.
13:09Mind the carpet.
13:11Sir Charles Newdicket?
13:13How do you do?
13:15It is indeed an honour to shake the hand of such a keen tintinabulationist.
13:17Tintinabulationist?
13:20Bells.
13:22Summers?
13:24So your man's a tintinabulationist, too, eh?
13:26What? Oh, that! Oh, now I get you.
13:28Yes, Summers is the captain of our team.
13:30Well, then, he'd better stay and hear our proposition.
13:32The bells are not for sale. Not yet, anyway.
13:34No, no, no.
13:36I've come about broadcasting. You know, the wireless.
13:38That incident was closed some years ago, Mr Buckett.
13:40Cockett.
13:42I was told on sight that the licence had not been paid.
13:44I was fined 30 shillings, and the set was dismantled.
13:47And it was only a crystal set, too.
13:49Oh, the cat's whiskers, eh?
13:54Well, I'll scrub round it.
13:56Sit down, won't you?
13:58Thank you.
14:00You see, this is something quite different.
14:02Oh, the arm.
14:04Came off.
14:06Press on.
14:08We want to broadcast your little team of bell ringers
14:10in our country news programme.
14:12Good day, Mr Cricket.
14:14No, no, no. We pay you.
14:17Oh, what would be the...
14:19How much?
14:21I'm afraid in a case like this, we can't go higher than 15.
14:23Couldn't you make it a pound?
14:25Not shillings, my good fellow. Ginnies.
14:27Well, I don't know.
14:29I'm afraid the nudikits have never lent themselves
14:31to the world of public entertainment.
14:36Oh, is Sir Charles in? He's out.
14:38I thought he might be interested in making a bit of quick money.
14:40He's in.
14:43Follow me, sir.
14:45Mr Tom Hunt.
14:48Afternoon, nudikits. We haven't been bosom pals, I know,
14:50but I'm here to do you a good turn, if you'll let me.
14:52I don't believe you know, Mr...
14:54No, I don't believe I do. How do?
14:56Nudikits, do you know the village shops are after you to sue you?
14:58Really, Hunt, but isn't that my business?
15:00Not entirely, because if you accept that offer of mine
15:02for your land over at Longacres,
15:04you'll be able to reach your liabilities.
15:06I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you five quid an acre.
15:08That should make about 600 quid for you.
15:10No, no, no, no. It's the last of my land.
15:12I've sold nearly everything I possess.
15:17Have you been inciting my creditors to give way to your proposals?
15:20Here, you be careful what you say, nudikits.
15:22If I had a reliable witness here, I'd sue you for that.
15:24Steady on, old man. I resent that.
15:26You keep out of this. The shopkeepers are having a final meeting tonight,
15:28so you'd better make your mind up quick.
15:30Oh, dear me. Well, what about later this evening?
15:32Let's see. We'd dine at seven.
15:34Oh, thanks very much. I'll bring a wife.
15:36She's always wanted to see this place.
15:38She'll have a check with me, and we can settle the whole thing over dinner.
15:40I'll see you later.
15:44Now, Sir Charles, here is a form of contract.
15:46Good afternoon. Who are you?
15:49The broadcast. Bells.
15:51Oh, no, please.
15:53Well, could I have your decision tonight?
15:55Tonight? Well, let me see now. We're dining at seven.
15:57Oh, thanks very much. I shall look forward to it immensely.
16:00I'll be here on the dot.
16:02Uh, you might as well have that.
16:04No arm in your holding it.
16:08Good day.
16:10Man the carpet.
16:16Now, look what you've done.
16:18We can hardly feed ourselves, let alone half the neighbourhood.
16:20I didn't invite them. They invited themselves.
16:22Well, we haven't any food.
16:25What we've got in the pantry won't hide the puttin' on the plates.
16:27Well, we've got to do something.
16:29You'll find something to eat, won't you, Summers?
17:09Oh!
17:11Oh, it's you, is it?
17:13You do that again and I'll call the policemen.
17:15Watch.
17:22What's the matter? Nothing.
17:24Then why did you duck when I blew my place whistle?
17:26Well, I, uh... I fell over a rabbit hole, if you want to know.
17:29I can fall over a rabbit hole if I want, can't I?
17:31Now, go away. There's good lads. Go away.
17:33Get on me nerves. Go on.
17:35We thought perhaps you were feeling guilty about something.
17:37Me, guilty? What would I be guilty about?
17:40We thought perhaps you had your eye on one of them turkeys.
17:42Why, you cheeky young monkeys, you.
17:44Me, poaching? Never heard of such a thing.
17:47Hey, here. How do I get through this edge?
17:50Up here. Want any help?
17:52No, I don't want any help. I'll catch me own turkeys, thank you.
17:54Which way? Over here.
18:00Here. Through here.
18:02Through here?
18:04It's a bit small, isn't it?
18:06I'll give you a shot. All right.
18:12Oy, I'm stuck.
18:17Look out. There's someone coming.
18:19Oy, what about me?
18:21I'm stuck.
18:23He's stuck.
18:37Oh.
18:41Oh.
18:44Move on, McGillis.
18:46Now, that's the way.
18:49From that clump of bushes to the windmill.
18:51Oh.
18:55Anyway, I'm dining at the manor tonight.
18:57And I shall come back with the deal in me pocket. Don't you worry.
18:59Who's worrying? All we said is you need something in writing.
19:01That's right. Must get it in writing. You have it in writing. You're all right.
19:03Shut up. My good Oskins, don't you know
19:05that a noody gets words as good as his bond?
19:07Maybe. But he won't be when he finds out
19:09he sold you 6,000 flicks of the land for 600.
19:1150 pounds an acre.
19:13Mind you, I don't much like the idea of an arterial road running through my place.
19:16Oh, you don't want to worry about the road, mate.
19:18Always get the old borough out, you know, the old chestnuts,
19:20fight for a tonne of giddiness. The old pineapples make more money than the pineapples.
19:23What are you talking about? Chestnuts, chestnuts.
19:25Get your hands in front of the fire, warm them up.
19:27Give a pineapple a listen to me. Shut up.
19:29Hey, when does the council start buying?
19:31Any day. The local authorities are only waiting for London's rubber stamp.
19:36If you want to see next Christmas, I'll keep in gobble if you'll bend.
19:39What did you say? I never said a word.
19:41Well, don't speak until you're spoken to.
19:47Stop! Don't let him get away.
19:50Come on!
19:54Hey!
20:01Well, get in there and see who it is.
20:03Get in there, I'm telling you.
20:05Pardon me.
20:07Some kids were after your turkey eggs.
20:09I'll go and see if I can find them.
20:11Shall I give him a bounce? Yeah, go on, give him a bounce.
20:13I'll tear his arms off. Yeah, go on, tear his arms off.
20:15Don't keep telling me what to do.
20:17Did you overhear my conversation with these two gentlemen?
20:19No, no, the turkeys kicked up such a row, I didn't hear a thing.
20:22Now, listen to me, Summers.
20:24Trespass, malicious damage, breaking and entering, attempted robbery.
20:26That's about seven years. Eight, yes, eight.
20:28Why don't you shut up?
20:30And all on your master's orders, no doubt.
20:32This will put you both behind bars for 18 months.
20:34I'm sorry, sir, I'm on it. No, no, no, you couldn't do that to Sir Charles.
20:36We will, unless... Yes?
20:38Let's do him. Yeah, let's do him.
20:40It's just about my master. Get out of it.
20:42You keep your mouth shut.
20:44If you did hear anything and you breathe a word to a living soul,
20:46nudicate or anybody else, I'll break you and I'll break him.
20:48And while you're both in jail, I'll have his precious men all sold up.
20:51And if you're alive when you come out,
20:53we'll break every bone in your body.
20:55Yes, and it don't half hurt.
20:57You heard nothing, you saw nothing, nor nobody, see?
20:59You heard nothing.
21:01I wasn't even here. All right, come on, get him out of it.
21:03Scum.
21:05Hands up.
21:07Let's go.
21:12Do you think he heard anything?
21:14If he did, he won't talk.
21:16If he does, I'll break every bone in his body.
21:19We will. We will. We won't.
21:21Forget about him. We've still got plenty to do. Come on.
21:30Hey, mister.
21:32I knew you, sis.
21:49What are you miserable about?
21:51It's the onions.
21:53Nonsense. You've had a face like a funeral in the last hour.
21:55Have a tot of sherry to cheer you up.
21:57Thanks.
21:59Meanwhile, we can quietly do our poons.
22:01We'll have a lot tonight. Besides, we never get anything.
22:03I have a feeling this is going to be our lucky day.
22:05You finding a stray turkey practically on the doorstep,
22:07that ass from the wireless offering us 15 guineas,
22:09and my getting that wonderful offer from Hunt
22:11for that useless piece of marshland.
22:13Yes, but...
22:16No, nothing.
22:18Yes, if we don't get it right this week, we never will.
22:20Oh, dear.
22:22Well, come along. Come along.
22:24I'm stuck.
22:26Now, steady now. You'll ruin the bird. Just leave go of it.
22:28Leave go of it?
22:30Well, leave go of me!
22:38Good morning.
22:40I'll be with you in a minute, madam.
22:42Oh, hello. What a pleasant surprise, seeing you again so soon.
22:44Not such a surprise. I was looking for you.
22:46Better still. Can I do anything for you? Want a taxi?
22:48No, it's your money I'm after.
22:50I'll just take the five pounds and go.
22:52The what?
22:54Five pounds you borrowed from your father.
22:56I borrowed?
22:59I was keeping money. My uncle only had a 50-pound note.
23:01So they thought of me.
23:03There's nothing unnatural in that, is there?
23:05No, it's the most natural thing in the world. They always do.
23:07Are you suggesting that your father is a...
23:09Yes, I am.
23:11Well, he distinctly remembered lending you the money,
23:13and he asked me to collect it.
23:16Oh, yes, I see. I see.
23:18Can't you say anything else?
23:20Yes, the old ruffian ought to be shot.
23:22Oh, it's all right, April.
23:24What did you say?
23:26It's all right, April.
23:28Trifles?
23:30Stop worrying about trifles. Get on with the pools.
23:32We've got to get them off tonight.
23:34Where's your coupon?
23:36Mine? There.
23:40Well, what is the first one?
23:42Market Pulverer Wednesday.
23:45Never heard of it.
23:47Oh, no. It's the letter from Florence.
23:49Oh.
23:51Dear old Florence,
23:53one of the nicest little women that ever breathed.
23:55I wish I could find my glasses.
23:57Poor old Florence.
23:59The best cook I ever had.
24:01I'd hate to think what she'd say if she could see her kitchen now.
24:03She's joined the land army now.
24:05Really?
24:07Definitely.
24:10How is she?
24:12Oh, seems quite cheerful.
24:14She says, my dear Frederick,
24:16I've been waiting for a line from you.
24:18Why haven't you rotten, you litter?
24:20It's been a fortnight since I had a letter from you.
24:22I wish I could find my glasses.
24:24You ought to see me now.
24:26I'm wearing breeches, and they show off my turnover.
24:28Show off my turnover?
24:30Well, turn over, then.
24:32Oh, yes.
24:35Silly boy, aren't I?
24:37I'm working near the pigsty, and the smell is terrible.
24:39Hoping you're the same, your loving Florence.
24:41Dear old Florence.
24:43Well, let's get on with the pools.
24:45What's the first one?
24:47Yours is mine. Oh, here it is.
24:49Aston vanilla.
24:51Vanilla? I thought it was strawberry.
24:53Aston vanilla. That's what leaves you knitted.
24:56United. United. United.
24:58You bother me.
25:00You don't say united a jumper.
25:02You say knitted a jumper.
25:04Oh, we're pushing.
25:06Put a cross against that one.
25:09What's next?
25:11Exeter versus Leicester.
25:13I can't see down here.
25:15Well, that's what it says here.
25:17Exeter versus Leicester.
25:19Exeter versus Leicester.
25:21Don't go away. Don't go away.
25:26Let's have another draw.
25:28Good idea.
25:33Oh, where's the banquet?
25:35Acherine.
25:37Acherine versus Carlisle.
25:39Carlisle?
25:41I don't care if it's Custer Isle,
25:44Parthen Isle or Pyre Isle.
25:46That's whom Acherine's in the plane.
25:49What are you putting down?
25:51I can't tell you. Zero.
25:53You get it wrong. You always do.
25:55Oh, this is going to be a difficult one.
25:57Smoke City versus Ipsos Witches.
25:59Hickies.
26:01Pardon?
26:03Granted.
26:05But there's no such place as Ipsos Witches. Hickies.
26:07Well, it's Ipsos Witches.
26:09It's Ipsos Witches.
26:11It's Ipsos Witches.
26:14It's Ipsos Witches.
26:16It's Ipsos Witches.
26:18It's Ipsos Witches and Hickies Witches down here, anyway.
26:20I know. You mean Ipswitch.
26:22What next?
26:24Oh, thousands of them, all swimming about.
26:26Wool and arsenic,
26:28Birmingham, Oldham,
26:30Coldham, Preston, both ends.
26:32Who are they playing?
26:34I don't know.
26:36Let's have a lot of draws.
26:38Good idea.
26:40Halftime refreshments.
26:46Oh, dear.
26:49All right, Maximilian.
26:51You can have your dinner later.
26:53If there's any left.
26:59Come on, Maximilian.
27:05Good evening, good evening.
27:07Good evening, sir.
27:10Bit of a dirty night, isn't it?
27:12It is indeed.
27:14I hope Sir Charles is all teed up to sign on the dotted line.
27:16I'm afraid he is.
27:18Afraid? Don't tell me you've turned against the broadcast, too.
27:20Oh, that? It's not the broadcast I'm worrying about.
27:22It's Longacres.
27:24Once Sir Charles gets together with Mr Hunt on that,
27:26you'll never get him to sign.
27:28Oh, I don't want to upset Mr Hunt, but I must get this fixed tonight, you know.
27:30I mean, it's a question of...
27:32I'll tell you what to do, sir. Keep the conversation off Longacres at all costs.
27:35That's easy. I can keep talking.
27:37I do commentaries, you know.
27:39You leave it to Cockett.
27:41Well, in you go, sir, and I'll do my best to help you.
27:43Wacko! Cockett won't muck it.
27:45Mind the carpet.
27:47Well, well, well, this is a real treat.
27:49And I haven't forgotten the contract.
27:51Soup and fish, eh? I'm faintly sorry about the old racking jacket.
27:53Would you mind shouting quietly?
27:55I have rather a headache.
27:57I say, hard cheek. I say.
27:59April, this is Mr...
28:02From the what's-his-name.
28:04April is from Australia, Mr...
28:06Cockett's the name. Charmed, charmed.
28:08Oh, to be in England now that April's here, eh?
28:13Nice house.
28:15Yes, we could do something with this place.
28:17Once a coat of paint, though.
28:19This way, sir.
28:21You kept your mouth shut?
28:23Yes, sir.
28:25Well, keep it that way or else.
28:27Come, my dear.
28:30Mr. and Mrs. T. Hunt.
28:32Good evening. Have you made up your mind about Longacres yet?
28:34Well, yes. I've given it thought.
28:36Dinner is served.
28:38What? A bit early, isn't it?
28:40No, sir. Nearly too late.
28:42It's all round us, so thick you could almost walk on it.
28:44A really shaky doo.
28:46And suddenly Tiger turns to me as cool as you like
28:48and says, I say, Skipper,
28:50the natives appear somewhat hostile.
28:52Ha-ha-ha!
28:54Not bad, eh, sir?
29:02Thought you more about my offer, Nuttigan?
29:04By Jove, that reminds me. What about my contract?
29:06What contract? The broadcast.
29:08Longacres. Longacres. Oh, yes.
29:10Now, what was your offer?
29:12Five pounds an acre if we settle here and now.
29:14I can't guarantee it after that.
29:16Well, after due consideration and in view of certain matters...
29:18I see no reason why we shouldn't come to terms.
29:20Ha! Look what you've done!
29:22You did it on purpose.
29:24Oh, sir.
29:26I see what the game is, but it won't come off.
29:29Steady on. Summers has been with our family for 40 years.
29:31Such a thing has never happened before.
29:33No, well, it had better not happen again. Do you understand?
29:35Lovely weather for the time of the year, isn't it?
29:41Changeable, though.
29:43Talking of...
29:45Talking of soup reminds me of a story about my brother Soupycocky...
29:47when he was in the Welsh mountains.
29:49Now you're going to ask me what he was doing in the Welsh mountains, aren't you?
29:51No, I am not!
29:53Well, I'll tell you. You see, my brother had the misfortune to serve in the army.
29:55He didn't have enough teeth for the raft.
29:57Anyway, there was my brother briefing these recruits...
30:00and he said to them, now, look here, chaps, I want to put you in the picture...
30:02which is the way they talk in that shower, you know.
30:04Excuse me, sir. This is a long story.
30:06About three minutes if I cut the trimmings.
30:08Don't cut the trimmings. I'm sure McDon would like to hear it all.
30:10Wacko, wacko.
30:12Well, he said, now, I want you to defend this imaginary trench here...
30:14from the imaginary enemy who will come in from over there...
30:16armed with imaginary Tommy guns and tanks...
30:18supported by imaginary giant bombers and some smart...
31:08go back and get the imaginary cocoa in the imaginary urn...
31:10which, as you all know, is an aluminium receptacle...
31:12with a tap in the front of it, and when you turn it down...
31:14the cocoa comes out. So there they were, standing about like a lot of goons...
31:16pretending to drink this imaginary cocoa...
31:18when he suddenly saw that one of them wasn't doing so.
31:20So he said, Frobisher, why aren't you drinking your imaginary cocoa?
31:22And Frobisher replied, there ain't no ruddy sugar in it.
31:29What's all that got to do with long acres?
31:31Nothing. Nothing at all.
31:34Jolly good story, though, eh?
31:36I don't get it.
31:39Nay, what a fine duck bird.
31:41Where can we raise turkeys like that, Tom?
31:43Well, I'm sure we can.
31:45Turkey?
31:47Yes, I said to Uncle...
31:49that could have been a prize winner in any show.
31:51It would have been, and it lived.
31:53That reminds me, when I was in Turkey one Christmas...
31:55I was attached to a military mission...
31:57and we sat down to Christmas dinner...
31:59so we got no turkey in Turkey and had to eat goose.
32:01Thank you, Thomas. I'll ring when I want you.
32:03The bells are not working, sir.
32:06Then I'll call.
32:08Better not strain your voice. I'll stay.
32:10There's no need.
32:12Well, you never know. Perhaps Mr. Hunt would like another potato.
32:14I shall not need another potato.
32:18Or some gravy or some nice spring greens.
32:20Sir must leave the room.
32:27I say!
32:29I've heard of sixpence in the Christmas pudding.
32:31I've heard of sixpence in the Christmas pudding...
32:33but never specks in the stuffing.
32:36It does rather remind me of cat's-eyes Culbertson.
32:38Now, just a minute, Cockett. I don't want to appear rude...
32:40but I've been interrupted...
32:42every time I've tried to get my business settled.
32:44Now, Sir Charles, what's the answer?
32:46A plain yes, and we can get the old thing settled.
32:48Yes, sir. You rang, sir?
32:50Rang? The bells aren't working. You said so yourself.
32:52I could have sworn I heard a tinkle. Perhaps I'd better stay.
32:54I don't want you to stay. Get out.
32:56Yes, sir.
32:58Now, Ludwig, yes or no?
33:04Sorry to bother you, sir.
33:06Shall I give Maximilian his dinner now, sir?
33:08Who the devil's Maximilian? The dog.
33:11Give him what you like and clear out.
33:13Yes, sir.
33:15It's a plot. What plot?
33:17Does this man have to come bursting in the air...
33:19every time I open my mouth?
33:23I'm sorry. It's only a simple thing I ask...
33:25but I never get anywhere.
33:28Because of him!
33:30Mind your blood pressure, Tom. Blast me, blood pressure.
33:32Now, Nodiget, please.
33:34Yes or no, and will you sign now?
33:36Well, all things considered, I think we can...
33:38Excuse me, sir. Do turkey bones stick in dogs' throats?
33:40I don't care where they stick, but get out!
33:45Now, Nodiget, where were we?
33:47I was just going to tell you about Cat's Eyes Culbertson.
33:49Oh, long acres!
33:51Sir Charles?
33:53Summers, if you enter this room again until I call you...
33:55you're fired! Now get out and stay out!
34:02Will you agree?
34:04I shall, yes.
34:06Well, will you sign now, before anything else happens?
34:08Here you are. Here's the contract.
34:10I had my lawyers draw it up this morning.
34:12Well, just let me glance through it.
34:14What for? It's perfectly legal.
34:16You don't think I'd do you, do you?
34:19You can read it at your leisure. You don't want to read it now.
34:21120 acres at the price we agreed on.
34:23Just a signature.
34:25The bottom of the page.
34:27Just want to make sure I'm not selling the manor.
34:29No, of course not.
34:31Seems all right.
34:33Done, Maximilian, done.
34:35Now, where do I sign?
34:38Just there.
34:40Curse the dog!
34:43Doesn't seem to be any ink.
34:45Here, Sir Charles, try my pen.
34:47Writes underwater as well.
34:49Then perhaps at the same time,
34:51you could sign the jolly old wireless contract, eh?
34:54As I've always said,
34:56never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
34:59Another of my favorite mottos is,
35:01a bird in the hand...
35:03I've never been so insulted in my life!
35:05I say, what the...
35:07What's the matter, Elsie?
35:09He made disgusting suggestions to me
35:11and pinched my leg under the table.
35:13You can't do that in my house.
35:15It's a lie. On my honor as an announcer,
35:17I didn't lift a finger.
35:19I mean, honestly, I just wouldn't.
35:21One more move like that out of you,
35:23my lad, and I'll break every bone in your body.
35:26Oh, I'm sure Mr. Cockett didn't mean anything.
35:28It's not what he meant.
35:30It's what he did.
35:32And don't you go telling me I imagined it,
35:34because anybody can see that you're a dirty old man.
35:36My dear lady, I was just sitting here where I am now,
35:38and I had my hand down here, and all I said was,
35:40a bird in the hand is worth two in the...
35:42A bird in the hand... No!
35:44No, don't hit me!
35:46He did it again! He did it again!
35:48I say, Mr. Cockett,
35:50I warned you!
35:57Cockett, you're married.
36:00No! No!
36:07That'll show you.
36:12Come on, Elsie, let's get out of here.
36:15Mrs. Hunt! Mrs. Hunt!
36:21Mr. Charles, Mr. Charles, speak to me. Speak to me.
36:23A bird in the hand is worth...
36:25Summers, you started this.
36:27Yes, sir. I did it on purpose. I had to, you see.
36:32What? You're fired. I never want to see you again.
36:34Mr. Charles...
36:36Pack your bags and get out. Get out.
36:38You couldn't do this to me, Mr. Charles.
36:40I could.
36:42Mr. Charles...
36:51We're gathering flowers for Mother
36:53To send her a blooming bouquet
36:55Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
36:57Oh, beautiful, sweet spell it poses
36:59They'll bring us such joy on this red-letter day
37:01Nasturtium and snowdrop and pansies
37:03Sweet violets, lovely to see
37:05Yes, we're gathering flowers for Mother
37:07Dear Mother, it's her anniversary
37:09Hunt, you're only...
37:11Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
37:13Oh, beautiful, sweet spell it poses
37:16They'll bring us such joy on this red-letter day
37:18Nasturtium and snowdrop and pansies
37:20Sweet violets, lovely to see
37:22Yes, we're gathering flowers for Mother
37:24Dear Mother, it's her anniversary
37:26Hunt, you're only...
37:28Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
37:30Oh, beautiful, sweet spell it poses
37:32Nasturtium and snowdrop and pansies
37:34Sweet violets, lovely to see
37:36Yes, we're gathering flowers for Mother
37:38Dear Mother, it's her anniversary
37:40Hunt, you're only...
37:43Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
37:45Oh, beautiful, sweet spell it poses
37:47They'll bring us such joy on this red-letter day
37:49anniversary. Oh, how we love her. She's my mum.
38:00Well, answer the phone.
38:01You answer it.
38:02Right.
38:04Hello?
38:05Oh, hello, Mr Hunt.
38:07Oh, he wouldn't, would he?
38:10Newdigate ain't sold the land yet.
38:12What shall I tell him?
38:13Tell him London has passed the plans and the local authorities will deal with Newdigate direct.
38:16Right.
38:17How do you know that?
38:18I've got a cousin on the council.
38:20Now listen here, Mr Hunt, I'm telling you straight.
38:22If you don't get this land, the local council will offer Newdigate 50 pound an acre.
38:26How does he like that?
38:27He don't.
38:30Here, since when have you had a cousin on the council?
38:32I've got relations in spite of what people say.
38:47Now you've done it. That's the last straw, that is.
38:56I say, I'm most terribly sorry.
38:58The fact of the matter is I'm in a tearing hurry.
39:00Is Sir Charles in?
39:01I don't know. I've been sacked.
39:03Oh, hard cheese, old man. I thought you were his mainstay.
39:06I was only trying to stop Mr Hunt from double-crossing him, but he wouldn't listen.
39:09Hante, well, you've no need to worry about him. You're coming back with me.
39:12Go round the other side and jump in. Cock it, won't muck it this time.
39:16I've got some new little sheep here, old boy.
39:18So you see, Sir Charles, you've done Somers an injustice, a grave injustice.
39:22You'll get 50 pounds an acre for 120 acres. Work that out.
39:26There, I've made a fortune, but I've lost my only friend.
39:30Not quite, Sir Charles. Somers!
39:36Come in, Somers.
39:37How many times have I told you that when I give you notice, you're to take no notice?
39:41Why, do you mean to say you'll have me back?
39:43Yes, of course.
39:52Mr Cockett, you've done me a great service.
39:54If ever there's anything I can do for you, just let me know.
39:57Well, there is the little matter of that broadcast contract.
39:59I'll sign it. It'll be the best broadcast you've ever had.
40:02That's fine, so long as it rings the bell.
40:06Oh, well, let's go round it.
40:13What a marvelous time.
40:35Come this side, brother, will you? Easy this side.
40:39Can you hear me? One, two, three, etc.
40:43Good.
40:44Bell ringers, come along. Come along, bell ringers.
40:47We've only got a few moments to go, you know.
40:49That's right. Now, whatever else you do, don't get nervous.
40:51Just imagine the microphone isn't there.
40:53Oh!
40:54Don't panic, don't panic.
40:55I shall keep the whole thing running smoothly and calmly as usual.
40:59Has anybody seen a gramophone record labelled Farmyard Noises?
41:02Yes, I saw one over there somewhere.
41:04We'd better go and look for it. I start the whole thing.
41:07Uncle, Councillor Barnes is here. He wants to see you urgently.
41:10Shall I tell him to wait?
41:11No fear. He's the bearer of good news.
41:13Where is he?
41:14Just behind me.
41:16Evening, Sir Charles. I expect you know why I'm here.
41:18Rather, rather. I've been expecting you.
41:20I believe 50 pounds was the figure.
41:22To be precise, sir, 67 pounds, 7 shillings and 8 pence.
41:25Better still.
41:26We're extremely sorry, sir, but well, rates must be paid.
41:29We've written, we've threatened.
41:31Well, thankfully, Sir Charles, the council are not prepared to wait any longer.
41:34What are you talking about?
41:35The rates, Sir Charles.
41:37I have been deputed to ask you for an immediate cash payment.
41:40Otherwise, you can expect the bailiffs immediately.
41:42The bailiffs?
41:43Oh, Sir Charles.
41:44There's only 257 pounds to collect for me.
41:47Oh, silence, woman.
41:48But the road. Aren't you going to buy my land for the road?
41:51No, the whole project was dropped this morning.
41:53Good day.
41:57I say, look out.
41:59You've broken my Farmyard Noises.
42:01That doesn't matter.
42:02For 300 years, we've kept the bailiffs at bay.
42:04Everybody must leave at once.
42:05The siege is on.
42:06What siege is on?
42:07We've only two minutes and the broadcast is on.
42:09The broadcast is off.
42:10Off?
42:11You don't mean it.
42:12Sir Charles, you gave your word, you know.
42:14Why bring that up?
42:15Oh, all right.
42:16Whacko, let's get cracking.
42:17Everybody on the stand, please.
42:19Very well, but any bowler-hatted bailiff who shows his nose around here had better look out.
42:23Quiet, please, everybody.
42:24We're on the air in 10 seconds.
42:26Now, come along, come along.
42:27Are you all right, Polly?
42:28I'm as cold as a cucumber.
42:30Well, let go of me arm.
42:32Shh, quiet.
42:33The red light's coming on any second now.
42:35I'll give you the cue when to start.
42:37Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
42:42Once again, the sounds of the farmyard introduce country news
42:45and your old friend, B. Barrington Crockett.
42:47That's me.
42:48I am broadcasting from the Baronial Hall of Nudigate Manor in Crumble and in the Dale.
42:52Standing here beside me is one of England's finest teams of tintinabulationists.
42:56Bells to you.
42:59And in what better way can they introduce themselves than...
43:02Quiet, please.
43:03We're on the air.
43:04And now, little ones, I have no doubt you'd like to meet some of the members of this happy little team.
43:08And the first person that you'll meet is the captain, Mr. Fred Summers.
43:12Hello.
43:13Hello.
43:14Hello.
43:15Hello.
43:16Hello.
43:17Hello.
43:18Hello.
43:19Hello.
43:20Hello.
43:21Hello.
43:22Hello.
43:23Hello.
43:24Hello.
43:25Hello.
43:26Hello.
43:27Hello.
43:28Hello.
43:29Hello.
43:30Mr. Fred Summers!
43:31Quiet!
43:32Quiet!
43:33Mr. Sum...
43:34Mr. Summers is one of the oldest bell ringers in the country.
43:37Tell me, Mr. Summers, when did you first start bell ringing?
43:41Around 50 years ago, sir.
43:42Most interesting.
43:43At the time, I was only a youth.
43:45Quite so, quite so.
43:51Mr. Summers, you must be very proud to have your boy in the team with you.
43:54Yes, very proud, I am.
43:56And as captain, no doubt you have some wonderful memories of the good old days.
44:00Yes, my most wonderful memory was when I first met my dear little wife.
44:04I can just see her now coming across the fields toward me.
44:07That was my proudest moment when I first met your mother, son.
44:10Of course, you weren't very old at the time, you know.
44:12Careful, please, careful.
44:14All right, it was only stepmother.
44:16Well, thank you, Mr. Summers.
44:18It's been grand, absolutely grand.
44:20Well, listeners, I understand that the lady member of the team
44:23is accomplished in some other directions.
44:25Miss Clinch.
44:26Let go of me arm.
44:28Get off me foot.
44:29Miss Clinch, come along, please.
44:31Now, Miss Clinch, what would you like to do?
44:33Recite.
44:34And the poem?
44:35The Charge of the Light Brigade by Lord Tennyson.
44:40Half a league, half a...
44:42Half a minute.
44:43Half a milliton wood
44:45Into the valley of death
44:47Into the church
44:49Jaws of hell
44:51Roads...
44:53Hundred cannons to the right of them
44:57Cannons to the left
44:59The bombers up the top
45:01Submarines below
45:02Miss Clinch, Miss Clinch, thank you very much.
45:04Half a league, half a league
45:06Thank you very much, that's been wonderful.
45:08And now, Mr. Summers, let's have another bash at you, shall we?
45:11Come along.
45:12Now, Mr. Summers, you're the captain of the team, aren't you?
45:14That's right.
45:15And it's a responsible job, isn't it?
45:16No doubt you have your little upsets, don't you?
45:18I mean with the bells.
45:19I suppose you can tell when your bell is out of order.
45:21Eh, eh?
45:22I say, I suppose you can tell when your bell is out of order.
45:25Oh, aye, I get them there.
45:27Thank you very much.
45:29Thank you, thank you very much.
45:30Now then, Sir Charles.
45:32All right, stand back, stand back.
45:33I can take everything, leave it to me.
45:36Sir Charles, Sir Charles.
45:38Oh, Sir Charles.
45:39Can I persuade you to say just a few words?
45:41Yes, what would you like me to say?
45:43Read it from the...
45:44Read it from the notes.
45:45Read it from the notes.
45:46No, no, he wrote them.
45:49Good evening.
45:50Sixpence each way, Galloping Major.
45:52No, no, no, not those notes.
45:54Say anything you like, anything.
45:56I don't care what happens.
45:58Oh, no!
46:16And so we say farewell to Crumbleton-in-the-Dale,
46:19and return you to the studio.
46:29Everything going all right, Thomas?
46:31Yes, ma'am.
46:32It couldn't help any bowler-hatted bailiff
46:34who shows his face around here.
46:36It'll be the defence of Ladysmith all over again.
46:38Ladysmith? Ladysmith?
46:40Never talked me about there before.
46:59Excuse me, madam.
47:01We are looking for Nudigate Manner.
47:04You and who else?
47:06We are alone, madam.
47:08Oh, are we?
47:10First right and straight on.
47:12And if we're trying to sell anything, it isn't worth the trouble.
47:14We don't sell. We give.
47:16We are from Bigwoods Football Pools.
47:18Didn't send his postal order, I suppose.
47:20Madam, for your information, we are making a deal.
47:22We are making a deal.
47:24We are making a deal.
47:26Madam, for your information, we are making a presentation of a cheque
47:29for 28,000 pounds, two shillings and nine pence.
47:32Good afternoon.
47:33Good afternoon.
47:49Excuse me, sir. Are you going anywhere near Nudigate Manner?
47:52I'm afraid I'm going right to the front door. Jump in.
47:54Thank you so much.
48:03That'll fix him.
48:10Action stations.
48:16Sir, the bombs have come.
48:18And with an armoured car too.
48:25Which only that clumsy ass from the wireless.
48:27What do you want?
48:28I've come for my apparatus.
48:29Go away.
48:30Oh, really, I think you at least might come down and open the front door.
48:32I mean...
48:33I've got my foot caught up in some wires, but it's all right, though.
48:36I've cut through them.
48:38What?
48:40You fool.
48:42The bowler hat. He's a bomb if ever I saw one.
48:44Stick it, Baltimore, the traitor.
48:48This is going to be a big surprise for somebody.
48:51I've got something for you.
48:53Then we've got something for you too.
48:58I say, this is an outrage.
49:01I've got something for you.
49:04You'll hear from the Postmaster General about this.
49:06Give me back my equipment at once.
49:08If you insist.
49:10Here you are.
49:11Give me all those equipments.
49:13Hey, guy will say.
49:18Let's get out of here.
49:20I shall call for the police.
49:24So far as I'm concerned, they don't get the trick on the Rule 18C.
49:28They can do it ahead themselves.
49:34So that's how you treat people till they bring you 28,000 pounds.
49:38Hurray!
49:41First round to us, I think.
49:42Wonderful.
49:43What did that young fool say?
49:44He said 28,000 pounds.
49:46Yes, that's what I thought he said.
49:48What?
49:50Oi, oi, stop.
49:52Oi, stop.
49:53Oi, come back here.
49:55I shall certainly write to the Times about this.
50:02That's right, dear.
50:03I don't suppose you'll be mistaking anyone for the bailiffs again for quite some time, will you?
50:07No.
50:08Now we're rich.
50:09Next time, we'll give you a real welcome.
50:11Oh, Mr. Summers, isn't it wonderful?
50:13Yes.
50:14Here you are, Mr. Truelove.
50:15Thank you, my boy.
50:16We can buy that new taxi now, Dad.
50:17You can have a fleet of taxis, son.
50:18And all the money I owe you too.
50:21Where's Sir Charles?
50:22Excuse me, please.
50:27Sir Charles, Sir Charles.
50:29Sir Charles, don't shoot, don't shoot.
50:31I wasn't going to.
50:32It isn't loaded anyway.
50:36Well, Summers, Fred, I suppose this is the parting of the ways for you and me.
50:41Certainly not.
50:42It's very kind of you, but it was your money.
50:44You won it.
50:45Good old Aston vanilla.
50:48But I'll get by somehow.
50:49I always have.
50:50Don't talk so silly.
50:52It was half yours anyway.
50:54I pinched a tongue out of your waistcoat pocket.
51:00Now, broadcasting fellow's outside.
51:01I'll see if I can help him.
51:03Yes.
51:04Mind the carpet.
51:09And that, sir, is how my story came to such a painful end.
51:12Yours faithfully, B. Barrington Cock.
51:15Cocky, cocky, cocky.
51:45© BF-WATCH TV 2021