A review of one of the worst movies ever made!
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00:00Hey dudes, Hardcore Dude here, hardcore enough to review IT'S THE 15 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!
00:26Oh yeah, back in June of 2009, I had just graduated from high school, and decided to
00:32get into that whole internet movie reviewer craze that was taking off around that time.
00:37Everyone I knew was using some silly gimmick, so I named myself the Hardcore Kid, whose
00:43gimmick was that of a teenage edgelord that was into everything animation and rock n roll!
00:50And also because that was the most random name I could come up with at the time.
00:53I've been up, I've been down, take my word, my way around, but I still had fun doing it.
01:00Just not as much fun these days.
01:02Between Blip shutting down, Channel Awesome dying a slow, painful death, and the rise
01:07of that whole anti-woke grifter cult, the whole thing has been just a complete mess.
01:13Although apparently now they've all been cursed by a Sonichu medallion?
01:18Yeah, it's a long story.
01:20Which leads me to the subject of today's review, because do you wanna know another
01:25genre that's completely lost its grace?
01:29Parody movies.
01:30Let's start off with a classic example from 50 years ago.
01:34In 1974, comedy legend Mel Brooks released Young Frankenstein, a comedy horror film that
01:40parodied the 1930s Frankenstein films.
01:43It had funny dialogue, tremendous performances from Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle, and Marty Feldman,
01:49and also managed to be a clever little follow-up to the original films.
01:53Since then, there's been many parody movies of the such, including Airplane, Hot Shots,
01:58and my personal favorite, the Austin Powers Trilogy.
02:01Sure, it kind of ran out of steam halfway through Goldmember, but you know what?
02:06Filmmakers are just fuckin' boobs, Ozzy.
02:08At the turn of the century, the Wayans brothers, Marlon, Kenan, and Sean, decided to throw
02:13their hats in the ring and create their own parody movie, aptly titled Scary Movie.
02:18While past films were a bit more loose in what they were parodying, Scary Movie's gimmick
02:23was that it directly lifted characters and story elements from other franchises like
02:28Scream, Halloween, and I Know What You Did Last Summer, and threw them all together into
02:33this weird stoner setting for laughs.
02:36The series would last for five movies, and they were hit and miss at best.
02:42There's some jokes that worked, and some that really haven't aged well with time, and as
02:47time went on, the quality dropped pretty heavily.
02:50And while some may blame Sean and Marlon for some of the bad jokes, I wouldn't put all
02:55the heat on them because they were not the only writers on that film.
02:59Enter Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, also known as Seltzerberg.
03:04Next to Uwe Boll and Ed Wood, these two hacks are known for directing some of the worst
03:08reviewed movies of all time.
03:10They tried to do the same formula as Scary Movie with Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet
03:15the Spartans, but with about 50 times the references and 0% of the laughs.
03:21Their movies are so bad that virtually none of them have kissed double digits on Rotten
03:25Tomatoes.
03:26But of all the shitty movies they've made, why am I reviewing Disaster Movie?
03:31Because it's the only one I have seen in full.
03:34Here's the story.
03:36So back in 2010, I was on vacation with my folks in St. Martin, and while I was down
03:43there, I was also editing my smegged up YouTube failure list, you know, the one that had Fred
03:48and Chris Chan and everybody on it.
03:50And about halfway through editing, I decided to take a break, and I decided to watch the
03:57TV that they had going on in the room, and the TV only had seven channels.
04:02Yeah, really.
04:04Great vacation, huh?
04:05No TV?
04:06Good lord.
04:08So the movie was on, and I decided to give it a watch.
04:13And after it was done, I wanted to kill myself.
04:17Ugh.
04:18Like, you know how you're watching a comedy and you're laughing the whole time?
04:22I was watching the movie and I was screaming, fuck you, the whole time.
04:26Yeah, that's how bad it was.
04:29But you know what?
04:30It's been 14 years.
04:31I've reviewed abortions like Not Cool and Where the Dead Go to Die.
04:35Could this disaster of a movie really be considered one of the worst of all time?
04:39Well, if I'm going down this rabbit hole, you guys are going down with me.
04:44And I'm also doing it...
04:47In 3D!
04:48Yeah.
04:49Well, I hope you guys are ready, because this is Disaster Movie.
04:56Roll the footage.
04:58The movie begins in 10,000 BC.
05:00Oh, I'm sorry, 10,001 BC, where we see a caveman running from a woolly mammoth, only to get
05:08a face full of shit.
05:09Not even two minutes into this movie, and it has already set the stage for what we are
05:14to expect for the next hour and a half.
05:17The caveman is named Will, played by Matt Lanter.
05:20If his name sounds familiar, he's the voice actor for Anakin Skywalker in most of the
05:25Star Wars cartoons.
05:26Hey, if Jeremy Lee can star in a Shane Dawson movie and still have a successful voice acting
05:33career, there's hope for anybody.
05:36You know, I was an extra in a movie that starred Justin Long and Fran Drescher.
05:42Yeah, there's no hope for me.
05:44Oh, the movie was called After Class, by the way.
05:48Speaking of no hope, here's a name you're going to be seeing a lot in this movie.
05:52Ike Barinholtz of MadTV fame, playing Wolf from Gladiators because reference.
05:58This is not the only role he has in this movie, as he plays seven characters throughout this
06:03whole thing, including Hellboy and Batman.
06:06Yeah, there's a lot of MadTV alumni in these films, and a lot of them didn't have the same
06:13kind of success that Key and Peele did.
06:16By the way, Bobby Lee, Mr. Uh-Oh Hotdog, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
06:24After jousting Wolf for whatever reason, Will runs into an Amy Winehouse cave girl.
06:33I'm gonna mess with a bitch straight out of rehab.
06:36Given that Amy Winehouse actually died of alcohol poisoning three years after this movie,
06:41yeah, this joke aged like bad schnapps.
06:45So using her prehistoric Apple laptop, Winehouse tells Will that on August 29, 2008, the apocalypse
06:53will hit and the whole world will be coming to an end.
06:56Ironically, that's the date of this movie's release, and yeah, she's not wrong.
07:01I think comedy died a death after this thing hit theaters.
07:21Are you done?
07:22Okay.
07:23So let's...
07:32Now as I was saying...
07:40I hope you guys all enjoy jokes that are stretched out to incomprehensible lengths, because that's
07:46what most of the jokes in this movie are going to be throughout this whole thing.
07:50So Winehouse shows Will the crystal skull, which isn't even crystal.
07:55It's clearly bronze, or in this case, 3D printed bronze, and for whatever reason, Will
08:02freaks out, and then it's all revealed to be a dream.
08:05We see him in his bed with his girlfriend, Amy, and...
08:13Oh yeah.
08:14Naked Flava Flav.
08:16Gotta get all those references in, eh?
08:18So Will is with his girlfriend, Amy, played by Vanessa Lachey.
08:21Lachey?
08:22Lashaw?
08:23Lachey.
08:24Sadly, seeing her in lingerie is not enough to save this movie.
08:28Oh, and there was a fidget in the bed too.
08:30What was Eric the actor too club-fuckin'-footed for this movie?
08:34Ank!
08:35Ank!
08:36So Will, the 25-year-old, throws his sweet 16 party, and this is where the whole parody
08:42gimmick really spirals out of control.
08:44For the next ten minutes, it's just non-stop references with no jokes in sight.
08:51We get the haughty and the naughty.
08:53Scary Girls Gone Wild.
08:55A fake Dr. Phil, because I guess after Scary Movie 4, he was too dignified for this movie.
09:02Superbad.
09:03Ike as the guy from No Country for Old Men who kills somebody for some reason.
09:08And last but not least, Seltzerberg regular Carmen Electra as the beautiful assassin.
09:13There's a lot more, but, ugh, I can't even...
09:16I am living.
09:18Stop saying that!
09:19I am living.
09:21God, you're such a douche!
09:23Putting aside the fact that doing parodies of comedies is a dumb idea to begin with,
09:28but there is just no reason to have these parodies at all.
09:32They don't tell any jokes, they're just stealing them from other movies and making references
09:38to other stuff that's, I guess, their way of saying, hey, I know what that's from.
09:43And then they just go on their way.
09:45It's like if Pooh's Adventures is throwing a rave!
09:49Somewhere in this mess, we're introduced to our supporting characters, Will's friend
09:52Calvin, played by Gary G. Thang Johnson, and his girlfriend Lisa, played by Hollywood cancer
09:59Kim Kardashian.
10:00Oh, but if a Kardashian in your movie wasn't painful enough, we also get Krista Flanagan
10:06as Juno...
10:07Or, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Junee, whose gimmick, aside from being heavily pregnant,
10:13is making cultural references like your typical internet reviewer.
10:17So basically, it's just the same character as it was in Juno.
10:21This isn't a parody, it's plagiarism!
10:24Your sarcastic teen who talks like she's thirty...
10:27Oh, and apparently she's a fan of Jeff Jarrett.
10:32Probably his only fan.
10:33Speaking of wrestling references, for no reason whatsoever, we get a fantasy sequence of Kim
10:38Kardashian and Carmen Electra facing off in a wrestling ring, and it makes Sharmell and
10:43Jenna Maraska look like Okada and Kenny Omega.
10:47Oh, and nice WCW Divas sign back there.
10:50Okay, first off, WCW never actually had a women's division, unless you want to include
10:56Daphne and Medusa as the cruiserweight champions, but WCW had been dead for seven years at this
11:04point.
11:05So, if this was Salterberg's attempt at making a reference or a mockery of WCW, yeah, I think
11:13Vince Russo did enough of that already.
11:16Oh my god.
11:17Oh my god!
11:20I just had a horrible thought.
11:23Could you imagine if Salterberg teamed up with Vince Russo?
11:31The amount of hell that would be unleashed.
11:35I'm shaking right now.
11:36See, look, I got the shakes.
11:39Seeing Will as having infidelity issues with Amy, Calvin tries to cheer his best friend
11:44up with a High School Musical parody.
11:56Why?
11:57Because High School Musical was the biggest disaster of Disney at that time?
12:00Oh wait, that was Camp Rock.
12:02Sorry, I got that wrong.
12:03Whatever.
12:04But, despite all these parodies, what the hell does any of this have to do with disaster
12:09movies?
12:10If you check the Wikipedia page for this thing, it shows a huge list of most, but not all
12:16the parodies in this thing.
12:18And out of over 60 parodies, I shit you not, I counted maybe three or four that are actual
12:25disaster movies.
12:26The Day After Tomorrow, Twister, and World Trade Center.
12:30Ooh, so I guess this means this movie's better than Turning Red, eh?
12:34But wait!
12:35An actual disaster is now occurring.
12:38It's the end of the world as we know it, and I hope these assholes don't feel fine.
12:43Will, Calvin, Amy, and Junie go outside to see the city being hit by the fakest looking
12:48asteroids imaginable, and what's this?
12:51Oh no, Hannah Montana got crushed.
12:54Dammit, now she'll never get to play with Metallica.
12:57Goodbye all my fans!
12:59Keep rockin'!
13:04Oh yeah, get your plug in while you're dying.
13:07You ain't making any money in the afterlife, twerky.
13:12Also, provide your parents to pick up your official Hannah Montana lunchbox.
13:18Oh, just die already, you wig-wearing hack.
13:22You were never talented to begin with.
13:26And let me just say...
13:28Oh my fucking god, just die already!
13:32You are beating this horse so dead that even the kids are sniffing the glue.
13:37Where's Hancock when you need him?
13:39Hey Hancock, wake up you drunk motherfucker, get your punk ass up, fly down there and fix
13:45that shit.
13:47Asshole!
13:50Did...
13:52Did this movie just predict the Will Smith Oscar slap 14 years in advance?
13:59This movie's haunted!
14:01As the day-after-tomorrow effects get worse and worse, our heroes hide out in an empty
14:06warehouse where they meet...
14:08The cast of Sex and the City.
14:10But here's a swerve, Carrie isn't actually played by Sarah Jessica Parker, it's...
14:16Uh...
14:17Keffels.
14:18Hey, don't look at me, I didn't write this thing.
14:20The foursome tell our heroes to get out because there's no room for everybody.
14:24You're in a warehouse, not a Marriott!
14:27But then Juni is like, uh, I'm like the one transitioning and you're not?
14:33And they proceed to have a shitty catfight scene that ends with...
14:45I don't think that's how that works.
14:52I REALLY don't think that's how that works.
14:55What's that?
14:56You want more references?
14:57Okay.
14:58Here's a random dream sequence where Will imagines he's Hayden Christensen's character
15:03in Jumper, jumping around and looking up Amy's skirt.
15:06The voice actor of Anakin in another Christensen role?
15:09Careful, movie, you're almost being clever.
15:12Here to save Narnia.
15:14What?
15:15He's the guy who ruined Star Wars.
15:17Aw, come on, Ike, the Clone Wars cartoon wasn't that bad.
15:22It gave us Ahsoka.
15:23So the next day, Will calls Amy, who is revealed to be at the Museum of Natural History looking
15:28after the artifacts.
15:30Will decides they have to go back and rescue her.
15:33I'd say Will and Amy's relationship is the one good thing about this movie, but even
15:36that's a stretch.
15:37They don't have chemistry, neither of them have gotten their acting chops yet, and considering
15:42the movie is written by two self-admitted incels, do you really think they know anything
15:47about writing romance stories?
15:49Right as I say that, Kim Kardashian gets killed by an asteroid.
15:53Yaaaaaay!
15:54And is about to be replaced by Gisele from Enchanted.
15:57Boo!
15:59I'll be honest, I was never the biggest Enchanted fan, but I will admit Amy Adams did do a good
16:05enough performance as Gisele that her character was likable in her naivety.
16:10Nicole Parker is not Amy Adams.
16:13Her character is portrayed as a thousand times more annoying and a million times more stupid.
16:19Also, isn't Enchanted supposed to be a self-parody of Disney Princess movies?
16:25So basically, they're doing a parody of a parody.
16:31Are you kidding me right now?
16:37Dude, when I am pining for Kim Kardashian over this, you know you done goofed.
16:44So anyway, Calvin ends up falling in love with Gisele, but then Prince Edward shows
16:48up and challenges Calvin to a duel for her holy ass.
16:53What kind of duel?
16:54A dance duel, fool!
17:04I'm trying to think which song number is a bigger waste of time.
17:08This or the Giants of Jive song number in that Freddy is FR07 movie I reviewed like
17:1315 years ago.
17:15Remember that?
17:16I came up with some weird meme out of it, something about Freddy Krueger taking over
17:22the world or something.
17:24Yeah, good times.
17:26Oh, and Gisele's not a one-time joke.
17:29She's in it for the whole second half of this movie.
17:32Fuck.
17:33Then, suddenly, the movie remembers it's supposed to be a disaster movie and unleashes a crappy
17:39CGI tornado.
17:40Damn it all, I keep telling you Tornado didn't cheat.
17:43Razor deserved to lose.
17:45But fear not.
17:47Here comes Iron Man to-
17:48Wait, wait, wait, rewind that.
17:53Rewind, induce amnesia.
17:59You couldn't even get the effects right?
18:01Where the heck did all the 20 million dollars go towards?
18:05All the movies you ripped off?
18:06Oh, and if you thought that joke sucked, they repeat it two more times in the same scene.
18:13Once with Hellboy, and again with the Incredible Hulk.
18:16Because when the joke doesn't work the first time, just keep doing it.
18:21Again, and again, and again, again, again, again, again, aaaaaaah!
18:27So our heroes eventually make it to an abandoned mall where Calvin tries to answer his shoe
18:32phone.
18:34Only to get dog shit on his face.
18:36For your guys' sake, I'm going to skip the part where he rubs dog shit on his face because
18:42that also goes on for another two minutes.
18:45Oh, and by the way, if you watch the end credits scene and they show bloopers, he has gum on
18:53his face instead of the dog shit, which, it wouldn't have been laugh-out-loud funny, but
18:58I wouldn't be cringing like I am right now.
19:01Hey, do you guys want to see a gross-out joke that is recent but is actually funny?
19:08Watch this.
19:09Aw, it's a duck cake.
19:10What happened?
19:11Nothing.
19:12Why are you hopping?
19:13I peed on my foot.
19:14Why did you pee on your foot?
19:15I wasn't paying attention.
19:16Why not?
19:17I was trying to pull a nose hair out.
19:18You've got hairs in your nose?
19:19That's disgusting.
19:20Welcome to middle age, kid.
19:21What are you doing now?
19:22What's it look like?
19:23I'm washing the pee off her foot.
19:24But that's the laundry tub.
19:25So?
19:26It's not for washing pee off your foot.
19:27Well, it is now.
19:28This is outrageous.
19:29That was a scene from the Australian correspondent.
19:30You boomers need to start picking it up.
19:54Anyway, back to this masterpiece, and oh no, it's the DeVilles.
19:58We wish you a merry Christmas.
20:00We wish you a merry Christmas.
20:02You know, it's funny how these two nutnecks manage to plagiarize everything known to man,
20:08whether it be characters, movies, even costumes, and yet they can't even get the colors of
20:13the chipmunk's sweaters right.
20:16That's an impressive level of failure that I didn't even think would exist.
20:20And if one chipmunk song wasn't annoying enough, they do two more songs, including a god-awful
20:26puke metal number that goes on for so long that the chipmunks suddenly go rabid and start
20:32attacking everybody.
20:40Remember in my Alvin Meets the Wolfman review when I said that anybody could voice the chipmunks?
20:46Behold Exhibit F. I wish I was watching Alvin Meets the Wolfman right now.
20:52Broken Theodore was so entertaining.
20:55Real talk.
20:56Here we go.
20:57Just when you thought this movie couldn't possibly get any more tasteless, the chipmunks
21:01all attack Junie, and in a scene that would make Superboy Prime frown, they devour her,
21:07killing both her and her unborn child.
21:10You know, maybe it's a good thing that this wasn't made by Jimmy Screamer Claus, because
21:16I guarantee they would show them devouring the fetus.
21:21What do you mean there's a deleted scene?
21:23But I do have this terrible headache.
21:27Head on.
21:28Apply directly to the forehead.
21:30Head on.
21:31Apply directly to the forehead.
21:33Head on.
21:34Apply directly to the forehead.
21:35Head on.
21:36Apply directly to the forehead.
21:37Head on.
21:38Apply directly to the forehead.
21:39Head on.
21:40Apply directly to the forehead.
21:41Head on.
21:42Apply directly to the forehead.
21:43Head on.
21:44Apply directly to the forehead.
21:45I just, I just did.
21:46I said head on, bitch.
21:47Apply directly to the forehead.
21:48Don't come back.
21:49Don't come back.
21:50Apply directly to the forehead.
21:51Head on.
21:52Apply directly to the forehead.
21:54Apply directly to the forehead, huh?
21:56Apply directly to your goddamn forehead.
21:57Apply directly to my goddamn forehead?
21:59You want me to apply directly?
22:02To my goddamn forehead?
22:04Ok, here I go!
22:05Ahh!
22:06Ahh!
22:07Ahh!
22:08Ahh!
22:09Ahh!
22:10Ahh!
22:11Ahh!
22:12Ahh!
22:13Ahh!
22:14Ahh!
22:15Gentlemen, I'm mortified.
22:16I'm at a loss for adjectives.
22:19Why do I put myself through this shit when I'm not even making money off of it?
22:25You know why I'm not making money off of it?
22:28Because YouTube demonetized my channel for reused content.
22:34REUSED CONTENT?
22:36REUSED CONTENT?
22:41THIS MOVIE IS REUSED CONTENT.
22:43THIS WHOLE THING.
22:44IT'S ALL COPYRIGHTED FOOTAGE THAT WAS IN A THEATER AND MADE ACTUAL MONEY.
22:50ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
22:53I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE.
23:00Screw it.
23:01Where's my hat?
23:02Fine.
23:03Ow.
23:04My head.
23:05Oh god damn it hurts.
23:06It hurts.
23:07I'm going to finish this fucking thing even if it kills me.
23:18Which it probably will.
23:21So the crew decide to hijack Speed Racer to get to the museum.
23:25This would have been a good idea for a Grand Theft Auto parody, but no.
23:29Giselle just throws him out of the car and shoots him.
23:32A hundred times.
23:33And it goes on for two more minutes.
23:37Ugh.
23:39Folks.
23:40The movie is stalling.
23:42The movie is stalling so that it can actually make it to 90 minutes.
23:46If you actually bothered focusing on anything, anything, plot, story elements, anything,
23:55than just making references for ten minutes, you wouldn't be stretching things out like
24:01a bed candy in the sun.
24:04Oh, and reusing jokes from your other movies doesn't work either.
24:10How many Michael Jackson parodies are you going to do in all your movies, you kid-diddling
24:15hypocrites?
24:16So anyway, they make it to the museum where they find Amy stabbed through the shoulder
24:21by a fallen statue.
24:23They try to rescue her by...
24:41How am I just using that clip now?
24:43They eventually manage to free Amy, whose wound magically disappears, and then she pulls
24:48the not-crystal skull out of her cooch.
25:10Wait, wait, wait, wait.
25:13You had that thing on you this whole time.
25:16You knew about it.
25:18And you didn't bother going to the altar?
25:20What the hell were you doing that whole time before you got stuck, you stupid, stupid person?
25:27Why is this still going on?
25:29Anyway, because we haven't had a parody in about two minutes, it's time to throw in a
25:33Night at the Museum bit with all the artifacts coming to life.
25:37Also, seeing a Robin Williams parody just makes me feel sad.
25:42So Will and Amy head to the altar where they run into, you guessed it, Ike Barinholtz,
25:47now playing the naked Beowulf.
25:50I am Beowulf.
25:52Um, can you put some clothes on?
25:56I am Beowulf.
25:58Can somebody reboot Ike?
25:59I think he got into Artie's stash again.
26:02Also, why is Beowulf evil in this movie?
26:05He's supposed to be a conquering hero.
26:07Why would he want the world to end?
26:11He banged Grendel's mom, didn't he?
26:13Cut to Calvin and Giselle trying to escape this madhouse, only to run into Poe from Kung
26:18Fu Panda, and OH MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?
26:24And why is he evil too?
26:26Is there some kind of demonic possession going around?
26:29What the hell is going on with this movie?
26:32So we get another shitty choreographed fight scene between Calvin and Poe, with Calvin
26:36eventually coming out on top.
26:39So it looks like he and Giselle will live happily ever after, yes?
26:48You a dude?
26:50I'm a tranny.
26:51I thought you knew.
26:57I'm sorry, I need my candy cane.
27:01Look kids, I got candy!
27:10You.
27:11You.
27:12You.
27:13You.
27:14You.
27:15You.
27:16You.
27:17You.
27:18You.
27:19You.
27:20You.
27:21Already.
27:22Did a tranny joke.
27:23You lazy.
27:24No good.
27:25Scum.
27:26Rotten.
27:27Piece of shit.
27:28Mother-fucking.
27:29Unborn child getting eaten by chipmunks killing.
27:30F*****g.
27:31F*****g.
27:32F*****g.
27:33UNBORN CHILD GETTING EATEN BY CHIPMUNKS KILLING
27:37BEEP BEEP BEEP
27:43ALEX IS DOING THIS SHIT, YOU FUCKING
27:46BEEP BEEP BEEP
27:51I'm done, dude. I'm so fucking done right now.
27:55Oh, and they get killed by Poe because fuck everything.
27:58So after defeating Beowulf, Will and Amy make it to the altar,
28:02where they run into Mini Indiana Jones, played by Tony Cox.
28:06It's here where it's revealed that Indy is actually Will's father.
28:10Thanks, son. That's right, I'm your father.
28:13So Darth Vader's dad is an Ewok?
28:17Makes more sense than Palpatine being a clone, I guess.
28:20So it should be easy to just put the skull on the altar, right?
28:23Heh heh, no. These guys have to get their shit in.
28:26Worried about booby traps in a museum,
28:29Mini Indy tries swinging over the room with the whip,
28:32only to get caught in a ceiling fan and launched right out a window.
28:36You know, Tony Cox has been in a lot of bad movies,
28:39but more often than not, he was, like, the best part of them.
28:43Even he can't save this thing.
28:45Will does the same trick, but manages to land it
28:48and puts the skull on the altar, saving the world from destruction.
28:52Oh, and Amy just runs across the room with no issue.
28:55This is, like, the only joke in this movie
28:58that actually got a chuckle out of me.
29:00And it's an hour and 15 minutes too late.
29:03And so the movie ends with a wedding between Will and Amy
29:06featuring the love guru.
29:08Oh, fuck me, I forgot that movie came out that year, too.
29:11And somehow that won Worst Picture over this.
29:14Was 2008 just the death year of comedy or something?
29:18And the movie ends with a shitty cover of Sarah Silverman's
29:21I'm fucking Matt Damon!
29:23And mercifully, the movie ends.
29:25Except it doesn't, because the last ten minutes
29:28is a slow credits roll
29:31showing bloopers and alternate takes from the movie.
29:34The box says that this thing is an hour and 27 minutes.
29:37Yeah, that's a complete lie.
29:40The movie actually ends at around the hour and 16 minute mark,
29:44and then the rest is just the credits.
29:47So, now you know why all the jokes in this movie were so stretched out.
29:52It's because if everything had been chipped down,
29:55this thing would not have kissed the one hour mark.
29:58This. Movie. Sucks.
30:02Minus. Five. Stars.
30:07Okay, look.
30:09Where the Dead Go to Die is utter degenerate C-S-E-M horseshit,
30:13but it was made by a pothead in his mom's basement
30:16messing around with Cinema 4D.
30:18This. This abomination, on the other hand,
30:21was a professionally made production from Lionsgate
30:25released in theaters nationwide.
30:27People paid money to see this.
30:30And by money, it earned a whole $34 million on a $20 million budget.
30:35That's almost as much of a waste
30:37as buying all of Donald Trump's bullshit gold shoes and fake Bibles.
30:41Negatives? Are you kidding me? Everything.
30:44It's been told many times before,
30:46but directly copying jokes from other movies aren't jokes.
30:51Throwing in a bunch of obvious characters from other properties
30:54without a semblance of a joke is not a parody.
30:57It's plagiarism.
30:58Repeating jokes constantly kills the joke,
31:01and stretching them out for two to five minutes
31:03just cremates any chance for a laugh.
31:06The story.
31:07They try to force this romantic subplot between Will and Amy
31:11filled with infidelity and other subtexts
31:13but it doesn't work.
31:15And the whole disaster movie plot?
31:17What fucking disaster movie?
31:19The movie barely has anything to do with disasters.
31:22Sometimes there's earthquakes, sometimes asteroids,
31:25but for the most part, nothing is happening
31:28since most of the movie takes place indoors.
31:31Most of the time, it barely feels like the apocalypse is happening.
31:34You see a lot of scenes,
31:36and there's maybe some fires in the background
31:38and some debris here and there,
31:40but it just looks like an average day in New York City.
31:43The acting?
31:45There's one good performance here,
31:46and that's the character of Calvin.
31:48He seems like the only one who has any semblance of comedic timing,
31:52and everyone else just sucks.
31:54Matt Lanter was annoying.
31:55Kim Kardashian did nothing.
31:57Nicole Parker was horrific.
31:59What the hell was Krista Flanagan even doing?
32:01The movie was nominated for six Razzie Awards,
32:03but failed to win any of them.
32:05Even on the shit list, this movie is incapable of a W.
32:09Seltzerberg would continue to make more shitty parody movies,
32:12but once audiences finally got the idea,
32:15they decided, yeah, fuck this.
32:18The movie started bombing at the box office,
32:20and the studio has since gone belly up.
32:23I've seen a lot of bad movies, but this.
32:26Dude, look at me.
32:28This movie did physical harm to me.
32:30I'm a mess right now.
32:32And...
32:34I don't even know what else to say.
32:36I have a script right in front of me,
32:38and I don't know what else to say.
32:40Oh, oh, I know what to say.
32:42Wait a minute.
32:44If I hear anybody in the comments section say,
32:46oh, it's better than any of the woke crap today,
32:48shut the hell up.
32:50You know what the problem is?
32:51It's not wokeness that's the problem.
32:53It's you don't know how to tell jokes anymore.
32:55Like, for example,
32:57there's a sitcom on right now called Last Man Standing,
33:00starring Tim Allen and Jay Leno.
33:03And Tim Allen is supposed to be playing this
33:05conservative dad type, kind of like
33:07Al Bundy or
33:09I guess you could say Hank Hill.
33:11It's not funny.
33:13It's boring.
33:14I don't know if it's because of Tim Allen
33:16or the nudniks writing that thing, but
33:18there's no laughs in this thing.
33:20I don't know how this has been keeping going for nine seasons.
33:23Al Bundy, this guy, is not.
33:25So, I don't know what else to do.
33:28Oh, oh!
33:30I can't believe I forgot about this.
33:33Do you want a parody movie that is funny and recent?
33:38Weird, the Al Yankovic story.
33:40Weird Al Yankovic, the king of parodies,
33:43making a spoof biopic of his life
33:46that has all the cliches and tropes of a rock and roll biopic.
33:49And it's one of the funniest comedies in years.
33:52And it's got Harry Potter playing Weird Al Yankovic.
33:55It's amazing.
33:58I mean, come on.
33:59If you want to make your own parody, learn from the best.
34:02Go weird and go wild.
34:04In the meantime, stay away from shit like this,
34:07do not give these people your money,
34:09and just let them die off and never have them come back again.
34:13Hardcore tumor.
34:16Then, now, and forever.
34:21Wow.
34:23What can I say?
34:25That's gonna do it, folks.
34:27I hope you all enjoyed my suffering.
34:29Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
34:32Tis a flesh wound.
34:35And I want to thank you all for supporting me these 15 years.
34:40Good times, bad times, whatever.
34:42I'm happy you're still with me.
34:44I've been through a lot,
34:45but I'm still happy that I have my support from all you guys.
34:50Until next time, I am now the Hardcore Dude.
34:55Peace out, and cease.
34:57Catch you later, guys.
34:59♪♪♪