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00:00What a girl! I think she likes you. Word to the wise, though, she don't put out.
00:06Which is convenient, because if she did, I'd have to kill you.
00:10Welcome to Mojo Plays, and today we're taking a look at every romanceable
00:15character in Grand Theft Auto and ranking them from worst to best. There's
00:19a lot of worst, just a heads up. I kind of like the honesty in that. I have a clear
00:24conscience. How very lucky for you. Before we begin, we publish new videos all
00:29week long, so be sure to subscribe to Mojo Plays and ring the bell to be
00:33notified about our latest videos. Number 13, the Vanilla Unicorn Girls, Grand
00:40Theft Auto 5. VIP room is this way. Look, if clubs like Vanilla Unicorn are
00:48your thing, then more power to you. But if you're going in there expecting more
00:53than a how-do-you-do, this ain't the place. Nikki, Juliet, Sapphire, it doesn't
00:58matter who you go with, because they are all one note. So long as you're paying
01:01their bills and keeping the club afloat, they only care about what you want.
01:07There is no soul, there is no personality to get to know. It's only about you, and
01:14that's boring. You get me drunk enough, I'll give up the Vanilla Unicorn. For sure, baby.
01:20Number 12, the Booty Calls, Grand Theft Auto 4. Hello, my bullfighter of love. I've been
01:28thinking about you, mommy. You want to give me another taste of that shit? Get your sword ready for stabbing, senor.
01:34These kinds of girls were first introduced when GTA 4 got the Ballad of
01:38Gay Tony DLC. Call up one of ten girls for a night of jumping on each other's
01:43bones. That's pretty much all they're there for. However, you are required to
01:47dance with them before getting their number. Wait, you mean to tell me all it
01:51takes to impress them is just dancing with them? Nah, no one's that easy, right?
01:56Right? Hey, that girl got ish. Number 11, Alexandra Chilton, Grand Theft Auto 4.
02:05Shit, you're actually who you said you were. I was expecting a two-foot lesbian. I'm Alex.
02:09Finally, we're getting into more specific characters, the dates where we
02:13can spend some time to get to know their interests, their beliefs, who they are as
02:17a person, you know? Well, Alexandra is the worst of the bunch. She is very much the
02:23worst type of rich person you could imagine. Alexandra puts way too much
02:27importance on material possession over everything else. She slept her way
02:31through college only to drop out, and she thinks shopping is a healthy way to cope
02:35with her mental health, when it obviously does nothing to keep her dark thoughts
02:39at bay. The only reason guys become psychiatrists is to get with young
02:43anorexic pill poppers, and the only reason girls become anorexic and start
02:47popping pills is to get with older guys. It's a match made in heaven. We can only
02:50sympathize for so long before it's time to deem her a loss to cause. Best to just
02:55move on, you know?
02:59Ah, inane. That's a new word. I learned another new word, preposterous, and that's what you are. I'm not. I'm great. Great, man.
03:05Number 10, Katie Zahn, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.
03:10I've been a nurse for three years now. Uh-huh. Yeah.
03:14Katie is a bit of a step up from Alexandra. She denies the Epsilon program
03:19for being a bunch of wackadoos, she tries to keep herself in good health by
03:23avoiding fast food, and she finds solace just being near the ocean. She's
03:28basically a relatively normal person, until she starts having a really, really
03:32weird Barbie moment. Self-mutilation fascinates me. Oh, why? The many ways
03:39she'll work death and car accidents into the conversation is just truly
03:44bizarre. Like, the way she talks about it is almost borderline obsessive, and she
03:49seems to get her kicks just from a minor bump into a parked car. The lady's weird.
03:54Bail. Bail. Ever thought of losing a limb, Carl? Yeah, this is really interesting.
03:59Number 9, Carmen Ortiz, Grand Theft Auto 4.
04:03Hey, Nico. Pleased to meet you. This is Carmen.
04:07Carmen is just like Katie in that she seems totally fine at first. The constant
04:12referring to herself in the third person can be odd at times, but that's okay.
04:16Everyone's got their quirks, you know? Thing is that, well, there are two things
04:21with her that are really weird. You lucky Carmen's hanging out with you, baby.
04:27She's so out your league. She should be going out with rap stars and football
04:34players, not hoods like you. The first thing is that she is very forward with
04:40what she wants, to the point where it comes off as if she made her decision
04:43with no regard as to how you might feel. We can respect it to a degree, but she's
04:48way too explicit. What really kills everything is how Carmen constantly puts
04:53herself on a pedestal when comparing herself to other women. We hope some of
04:57you out there can tell the difference between self-confidence and overly
05:01inflated ego. I don't want no baby pulling on my puppies. I just want them looking perfect.
05:08Number 8, Kate McCreary, Grand Theft Auto 4. This is nice, isn't it? What's nice? I don't know.
05:14Getting out, doing stuff, not working or fighting with my family, getting to know you.
05:19Kate can be a really tricky person to date. Really tricky. Like, so tricky you
05:25might wind up thinking you're the one going crazy. She has her own beliefs
05:29about certain things, and that's all fine and dandy. Everyone has their own
05:33beliefs and values, right? Problem is that when you see her enough times, you'll
05:37learn that she and her entire family are, well, they're not right in the head, to
05:42put it respectfully. Sorry for your loss. I'm not. I'm sorry for mom. I gave up on my
05:50brothers a long time ago. Most I ever expected from them was to put flowers on
05:55their coffins. We'll just say that she and her brothers did not have a great
06:00life at home under their tyrannical father. It has clearly done a number on
06:04her, and she hasn't seemed to try and get some help. So you could do this until
06:08you've killed everyone, or until you die. Your life must be hell. You have a
06:13very American way of looking at things. Number seven, Denise Robinson. Grand
06:19Theft Auto San Andreas. Hey CJ, let's go for a dance. Okay, let's go. Now we're starting to get
06:25into the more reasonable people in the world of GTA. Denise is a woman who is
06:29just trying to live life and see some excitement from time to time. You want to
06:33grab pizza? She's down. You want to head to a bar? She's down. You want to just
06:37drive around and cruise? She's down for that too. Our only gripe with her is that
06:42she has said before that she likes to wander around Vagos territory for kicks.
06:47Lady, are you trying to get us both killed or just you? We're not down with
06:51that. We're out.
06:58Number six, Millie Perkins. Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. Oh, hi Benny. Yes master.
07:06I'm just trying it on. You got yours? Cool, I'll see you at my house in a
07:11short while. Look, if you want to know the type of woman Millie is, just take note
07:16of the place she works at, okay? Millie works at a casino in Las Venturas known
07:21as Caligula's Palace. Caligula was a Roman Emperor who was highly respected
07:27in his early years until he became more perverted by his power. And yes, we mean
07:32that in both the literally and highly suggestive sense. Simply put, Millie is a
07:38very kinky lady. A very, very kinky lady who should wear a date at your own risk
07:45sign on her at all times. She knows what she likes and she isn't afraid to get
07:49extremely intense with it. You have been warned. Hey Carl, just called to say that
07:55last night was terrific. Likewise baby, likewise. Number five, Helena
08:00Wankstein, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. Everyone likes a country girl. She
08:10doesn't know Hannah Baron going around and wrestling catfish and building
08:13houses from scratch, but Helena is perhaps the first dateable GTA character
08:18we would stand for. She's a simple farm girl who values cleanliness, exploring
08:22restaurants instead of settling for fast food, and kills some time shooting
08:26targets in her yard. Besides, keep her around and happy long enough and she
08:30might let you use the chainsaw and flamethrowers in the tool shed. Number
08:35four, Michelle Kan, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. Hi there baby. Hey gorgeous. Let's
08:43hit a club. No problem if that's what you want. If you're more into cars than
08:48farms, then Michelle is definitely your type of woman. Not only is she into cars,
08:52Michelle runs her very own garage where she fixes up cars. She'll fix yours up
08:57too if you treat her right, and she may even reduce the price for you or do the
09:01repairs for free. She may even let you drive her beast of a monster truck. Come
09:05on, she's cool, she's ambitious, and she's got a sick truck. Who wouldn't want to date
09:10this woman? Give me that racing suit. I'll advertise your business all day.
09:13We'll be swimming in cash. You got time for a coffee CJ? Number three, Kiki
09:19Jenkins, Grand Theft Auto 4. It's kind of hard to think of a GTA character who is
09:26truly kind-hearted and caring rather than crass, crude, and rude, which is
09:31almost the entire GTA cast for the most part. Kiki is one of those rare examples.
09:36While she does come from a wealthy family, she is still tuned into the world
09:40and its problems. She's trying to build her career as a lawyer on her own merits
09:44rather than seek money from mom and dad all the time. Kiki also has standards
09:49that really aren't unreasonable compared to the other dates you can meet
09:52in GTA 4. Well, you better not cheat, because if a man cheats on a woman, he's
09:57cheating on life. So? So he deserves to suffer. All cheaters do. Don't cheat, give
10:04her the space when she needs it, wear your heart on your sleeve, and all will
10:08be well. Call her too much or date other women behind her back and, well, you're
10:13going to be feeling the pain and a lot of guilt. People get married and it
10:17doesn't always work out. There's always a way to make it work. Always.
10:23Number 2, Barbara Sternvart, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. I'm divorced with two kids. You still interested, son? Sure, he got my number.
10:31Barbara is absolutely the best girlfriend in San Andreas. Initially
10:37dating her would seem like a conflict of interest. She's a cop, you're a thug, it
10:41really shouldn't work out. And yet, it absolutely can. Barbara is not the
10:46controlling type and she is such a wonderful mother to her two kids.
10:49Honestly, it kind of makes us feel horrible about committing crimes while
10:53she's on the job.
10:57This is mostly because she will bail you out again and again and again, letting
11:03you walk out of prison with all of your weapons and gear still equipped. She'll
11:06even make you an honorary cop if you treat her like a queen.
11:10Number 1, Karen Daniels aka Michelle, Grand Theft Auto 4.
11:16This is Michelle. Hi, how are you? My place is over on Mohawk Avenue. We know, we know, we very
11:23well know what happens in GTA 4 with Michelle. Up until her reveal, we had some
11:28sneaking suspicion regarding the stuff she was asking about Nico. And what makes
11:32dating her even more painful is that even after everything, she still admits
11:36that she had some affection for Nico. Yes, I don't want anyone to get burned. How
11:42about a kiss? Why not? She even shows a bit of remorse in having to manipulate
11:48him for her job. It's okay, babe. If we could, we'd do it all over again and we
11:52will always have pool night. Listen, I'm sorry it had to be this way, Nico. I'm
11:58really sorry. Which GTA character did you try to romance? Let us know down in the
12:03comments and don't forget to subscribe to Mojo Plays for more great videos
12:07every day. Carmen, I have enough problems looking after myself. I can't afford to
12:12support you as well. That's too bad, honey. Too bad.
12:33you