Keeping Up Appearances - S05 E04 - A Riverside Picnic
Hyacinth organises a 'waterside supper with riparian entertainment', much to the despair of those she invites, which consists of Elizabeth, Emmet, the vicar and his wife. Despite Emmet's and the vicar's best efforts they find getting out of Hyacinth's function impossible. As usual her plans of perfection are shattered, this time because a dredger dumps dirt in her chosen location.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30You see, no traffic. I told you we'd do better on the country roads.
00:53Feel free if you'd like to walk. Don't wait for me.
00:58Richard, do stop complaining, dear. We're not in a hurry. We only came out for a ride.
01:05Enjoy the countryside.
01:19Please don't use language like that, Richard.
01:22I never said a word.
01:24I can hear you thinking, dear.
01:30You can come out. It's quite safe.
01:37Are you sure they've gone out?
01:39I saw them go. She said they were going for a drive.
01:46I wish you'd make sure.
01:52Satisfied?
02:22How long a drive?
02:25Just sit in the sun and read your paper.
02:29Mind the cattle?
02:31A few weeks.
02:33Those are. There may be others.
02:39Richard, stop!
02:43Not now. I can't see any cows.
02:46No, it's not the cows, dear. It's the river.
02:48I was missing the river. I wasn't going into the river.
02:51I just wanted you to have a look at it. It's very pretty.
02:58Hyacinth, you mustn't shout, stop, like that, because I thought it was an emergency.
03:07There's a vehicle behind.
03:09I know there's a vehicle behind.
03:14You're in a very funny mood today, Richard Bouquet. I can hear you thinking again.
03:20And it's not Bouquet, it's Bucket. It was always Bucket till I met you.
03:25Don't let's go through all that again.
03:29Park the car, dear. I'd like to walk the river bank.
03:37What's your number?
03:40Why not?
03:51Oh.
03:58What happened to that terrible bird you used to knock about with?
04:04I married you.
04:07I mean the other one. What was her name?
04:10Melanie.
04:13Fancy going out with a muffin called Melanie.
04:17Wasn't her fault. Her mother like gone with the wind.
04:23Anyway, it was over when I met you.
04:28You were seeing her behind my back.
04:32Well, it was tapering off.
04:36Oh.
04:43Oh, Richard, isn't it beautiful? I love it.
05:00I shall hold a riverside picnic, Richard.
05:05Out of doors, but every bit as elegant as one of my candlelight suppers.
05:10Don't you think that's a good idea?
05:12Mind the yacht, dear?
05:15I can't even see a yacht. You may have noticed that I'm going backwards.
05:20Should you be going backwards, dear?
05:24That's how it works.
05:26Oh, well, keep practising and you ought to be the right way round for my riverside picnic.
05:35Has your Rose got a boyfriend in?
05:39Not to my knowledge.
05:42Well, there's something going on in her room.
05:45More than can be said for ours.
05:52Perhaps it's your father.
05:55Where did he get the hammer?
05:57It's not exactly as if you've got the best tool kit.
06:02I'm not gifted that way.
06:06My talents are more intellectual.
06:10Oh, I wouldn't say that.
06:17Riparian.
06:19What? What?
06:21Riparian.
06:23That's the word I've been looking for and I found it in Sheridan's dictionary.
06:29God, I thought we had burglars.
06:31It means of the riverbank.
06:34Fascinating, but what do you want with a word like riparian, especially at this time of night?
06:41Because I have to issue invitations.
06:44To my waterside supper with riparian entertainments.
06:52Oh, you mean a riverside picnic.
06:55No, I do not mean riverside picnic, Richard.
06:59I mean waterside supper with riparian entertainments.
07:05Now, principal guests.
07:12What's going on?
07:14Daddy's bored. He wants to do something different.
07:17Well, he could stop hammering him for a star.
07:21We'll have to watch him. When he feels like that, he always goes looking for Mrs Pendlebury.
07:27Which he's more than Mr Pendlebury ever did.
07:30Didn't she move to Chesterfield?
07:34I am not fetching your father back from Chesterfield.
07:39Oh, what can he be doing?
07:42He's inventing something secret.
07:45Like what?
07:47You won't tell me it's a secret?
08:18I'd like a word with you, postman.
08:22Did you see that?
08:24I was about to deliver this in the ordinary manner when this sudden freak wind tore it out of my grasp.
08:33I made every effort to cling onto it gamely in the best traditions of the postal service,
08:38but it was too much for me, and it was snatched, snatched from my fingertips.
08:43A wind?
08:47Oh, thank goodness. It's gone as quickly as it can.
08:51Don't worry. You're quite safe now.
08:55Just a moment.
08:58Oh, all right. I give up.
09:01I threw it. I tossed it straight at your door.
09:04It missed completely, but I intended it to land on your step.
09:07Never mind about that. What have you got for next door?
09:11I can't show you what I've got for next door.
09:14I don't want to look inside.
09:17I just want to be sure that you have an envelope in my handwriting for next door,
09:22so that I know their invitation has arrived.
09:25They're invited to my Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
09:31You posted a letter that's only going as far as next door?
09:35Yes.
09:36Why didn't you just push it through their letterbox?
09:39Because I like people to know that I use first-class stamps.
09:45Please could I see it?
09:46I'm sorry, Mrs Bucket. Bouquet. Sorry.
09:49No, no, no. It's more than my job's worth to start showing you other people's mail.
09:53It's not other people's mail. It's my mail. I wrote it.
09:59I'm sorry.
10:02All right. I'll turn my back.
10:06I'll describe the envelope to you.
10:12The envelope is of a pale shade of mauve, lavender-scented.
10:19It is addressed to Elizabeth and Emmett,
10:21and the postage stamp is aligned exactly to the edge of the envelope.
10:28Close.
10:30Oh, we're invited to a Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
10:35Good. I could do with a change. Sounds delightful. We'll go.
10:39It's from the Bucket Woman.
10:44We're not going. Make some excuse.
10:47Make your own excuses.
10:49I will not get involved with the Bucket Woman.
10:53We're invited to a what?
10:55A Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
10:59With what entertainment?
11:02I looked it up. It's to do with rivers and riverbanks.
11:06She means a Riverside picnic.
11:08I expect so.
11:09Well, whatever it is, we're not going. At least, I'm not.
11:12I thought you might say that.
11:14And what's more, you can tell her off.
11:18I thought you might say that.
11:19And what's more, you can tell her I said it.
11:23Oh, no. Not this time. You can tell her.
11:27What?
11:32Well, go on, then.
11:35Ring her up.
11:37Tell her we're not going to her Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
11:42I intend to. Don't worry. I'll tell her.
11:45Good morning, residents.
11:48Good morning, Mrs. Bouquet. It's the vicar here.
11:52Ah, good morning, vicar.
11:54About your Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
12:00Thank you for your kind invitation, but...
12:03I'm so glad you can come.
12:06You're one of the first on my invitation list.
12:09You'll really enjoy an elegant and leisurely evening by the river.
12:13Been to my candlelight suppers. You know the sort of thing I do.
12:18Hello? Hello?
12:22Vicar, are you there?
12:27He must have been spirited away.
12:30The vicar's coming, Richard.
12:33He was so excited, I could hardly get a word in.
12:39I wish you luck.
12:41I don't need luck. It's not a question of luck.
12:44It's simply a question of telling her we're not going.
12:47Exactly. I wish you luck.
13:01Emmett!
13:03How nice of you to respond so promptly.
13:07Elizabeth, about your...
13:09My Waterside Supper with Riparian Entertainment.
13:12That's the one.
13:13I knew you'd be excited.
13:16The thing is, I can't possibly...
13:18Thank me enough.
13:21Don't take that attitude, Emmett.
13:23You don't owe me any thanks. It'll be my great pleasure to have you there.
13:32Oh, coffee in ten minutes, Elizabeth.
13:37No, no, no, no. Thank you.
13:40Oh, what a pity.
13:42Never mind. There's still my Riverside function to look forward to.
13:47Bye.
14:00Whatever he's building, why can't he build it outside?
14:03I've asked him that.
14:05What did he say?
14:07He says...
14:09Oh...
14:13He says he can't build it outside because it's a secret.
14:17How can he keep it secret if everybody sees it outside?
14:24Who's going to clean his bedroom when he's finished?
14:27I cleaned it last time.
14:29It wasn't full of sawdust, though, was it?
14:32Look, I don't mind dusting,
14:34but I think that sawdust is a man's job.
14:42Not in this house, it isn't.
14:48Well done, Vicar. That's very tidy.
14:57Oh, what a neat nut.
15:01Oh, do be careful with my custom-made plastic picnic wear, Richard.
15:07Where do you want it?
15:09Inside the car, I think.
15:18Hyacinth, could you open the door, please?
15:21Just a minute, dear. I'm checking.
15:24Richard, let me.
15:28Here you are.
15:30Thanks.
15:41Yes, dear, what was it?
15:43Doesn't matter now.
15:47Now, where are the prawns? Where are the prawns?
15:51The prawns are here.
15:53The prawns are tying the furniture to the roof.
15:56Quiet, Emmett. She'll hear you.
15:58If she does, it'll be for the first time.
16:00She never listens.
16:02Vicar, I believe you have the prawns.
16:05Do be careful with them. They're select Norwegian.
16:10Don't say it.
16:12Don't worry about those for a moment, Richard.
16:14We'll wait for my sister Violet's Mercedes.
16:17She'll have ample room for a table or two.
16:20After all, she does have room for a pony.
16:24Violet, where are you, dear? You're late.
16:28Yes, well, where already?
16:30Hmm. I thought you could help us with the tables.
16:34It's my sister Violet.
16:36She's the one with the Mercedes sauna and a musical bidet.
16:41Classical, of course.
16:45Now, why is Bruce having a lie-down?
16:48Well, wake him up. Get him up.
16:52What do you mean he can't stand up?
17:02Violet, if he has drunk all your sherry, dear, it's not the end of the world.
17:08Get a friend to drive you.
17:12In the same income bracket, of course.
17:15We'll meet you at the river next to the boatyard.
17:19What a waste of sherry. All the trifles she could have made.
17:24I think she's still a bit... No, it can't be further back because...
17:29But I'm so glad someone's got room for a pony.
17:40Isn't she a little overdressed?
17:42It's only a picnic.
17:45Is everybody ready, then?
17:47Isn't this thrilling?
17:49Where did you put her in my parish?
17:52Drive carefully, Richard.
17:54Remember, upon you depends the safety of my select Norwegian prawns.
18:18Oh.
18:25It's much bumpier than when we were here a few days ago.
18:28Are you concentrating, Richard?
18:30It's not me. It's the potholes.
18:32Well, mind the potholes.
18:34I ain't in the potholes.
18:40My hat, Richard. Stop the car.
18:43I thought you...
18:48Now, I'll find us a smoother way.
19:06Oh, yes. What a temptation that must have been.
19:18Oh, look. The river's over there. Come along.
19:34I'll drive you any time, Violet.
19:36As long as I don't have to wear a suit and a cap.
19:39You'd look great in a suit and a cap.
19:44And more your casual dresser.
19:46Maximum chic for me is more your laid-back, slobby look.
19:57Shut the gate!
20:01Pick up something else I'd like to shut.
20:07It's just round the next bend.
20:09A lovely secluded spot, you'll see.
20:13Well worth the effort.
20:16When I first saw it, I knew it was where I must hold
20:20my waterside supper with Riparian Entertainments.
20:25Off we go again.
20:28Sing if you like.
20:37Why does she have to sing?
20:39What's she doing?
20:46We're almost there.
20:49You'll love it. I promise you.
20:53You'll really love it.
21:09Now what?
21:12Friends, I'm sorry to have to inform you
21:16that some hostile and inconsiderate person
21:19has seen fit to place a dredger at my chosen spot.
21:25Don't be faint-hearted. I have a solution.
21:30We shall go and commandeer some small craft,
21:33then drift at leisure until we happen upon
21:37another ideal place for our waterside supper
21:40with Riparian Entertainments.
21:44Halloween!
21:46Halloween!
21:54I don't know where they could have got to.
21:56She said she'd meet us here.
21:58We weren't invited, Violet.
22:01You were invited by me.
22:03Well, we brought grub, so we might as well start our own picnic.
22:07Fair enough. I'll get the wine from the cooler.
22:12Have you got Father's beer?
22:14He can have a beer when he tells us what he was inventing.
22:17I've asked him, but he won't tell me.
22:20Now we're never going to know.
22:23I hope it wasn't something that could have become a household name.
22:27Like your rose.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:40Why is there a queue, Richard?
22:43This is a lock gate. They're waiting to enter the lock.
22:47Lock? Has somebody lost the key, dear?
22:52Now, you mustn't be impatient.
22:55You simply have to wait until it's our turn.
22:58Nonsense! Overtake them, Richard.
23:02These people are probably all on holiday.
23:05They've all the time in the world.
23:07We're only here for a little while.
23:09We can't be waiting in queues.
23:12Thank you very much, holidaymakers.
23:16HORN BLOWS
23:23Richard, where have they locked us in?
23:26We've got to wait for the water level to drop.
23:29I can't stay here and wait for the tide to go out.
23:33It's got nothing to do with the tide.
23:35They have to drain the water from the lock.
23:38I think it's ridiculous. Why can't we go straight through?
23:42Because we're waiting for the lock keeper.
23:45There he is now.
23:47He'll let the water out and then very soon they'll allow us through.
23:56LAUGHTER
24:00Ahoy there, lock keeper!
24:03I must warn you that we've sailed on the QE2.
24:07As an experienced mariner, I'm not prepared to wait down here indefinitely.
24:14There must be a quicker way to go.
24:17You could try going over the weir.
24:21What do you think, Richard?
24:23Shall we try going over the weir?
24:29LAUGHTER
24:36We won't be long now.
24:38We'll probably find somewhere just round the next corner.
24:42That's what she keeps saying.
24:45Pass it on.
24:47Won't be long now.
24:49We'll probably...
24:51Emmett, you're naughty. She won't ask you again.
24:55We'll probably find it just round the next corner.
24:59Are you all right?
25:01Ask me later. At the moment, I haven't got the energy to check.
25:05You know, when you watch the boat race, they seem to go quite fast.
25:09There are eight of them.
25:12Oh, yes, I suppose that must make a difference.
25:16They don't carry passengers and a six-course banquet.
25:22Are you starting to flag, Richard?
25:25Just a little.
25:27Would you like me to take over?
25:30No, somehow I don't think that's a very good idea, Hyacinth.
25:34Well, they have lady rowers in the Olympics.
25:37We're not in the Olympics.
25:40It just feels as if we are.
25:44Well, at least let me share the burden.
25:49Oh, look!
25:53What's she doing?
25:55I don't know. She's going to help him.
25:58I wonder if Richard sees it that way.
26:00Here, I hope we'll be able to keep up.
26:04Now, do we do it together or take it in turns?
26:08Now, Hyacinth...
26:10Now, there's no time to discuss it, dear. You start and I'll copy you.
26:15Well, watch.
26:18There.
26:41It's not very difficult when you know how.
26:44She's doing quite well.
26:46Keep up, Emmett!
26:48You start.
26:55Really smart, isn't it, Richard?
26:58Yes!
27:14Thank you, Lord.
27:16Well, we haven't had the picnic,
27:18but I must say I enjoyed the riparian entertainments.
27:23Cheers, love.
27:27Oh, there's that dishy Emmett.
27:29Hi, Liz!
27:31Onslow.
27:32Hello, Daisy.
27:33Hello, Daisy. Rose.
27:39There's that dishy Vicar.
27:42Evening, Vicar.
27:44Hello, Onslow.
27:46Sorry we can't stop.
27:53They've thrown her in.
27:55I bet somebody's just snapped her.
28:00Just look at that stiff upper lip.
28:03You've got to admire that stiff upper lip.
28:22Thank you.
28:52© transcript Emily Beynon