An excited Hyacinth has put an advert in the local newspaper to teach people social etiquette, but the clientele proves far different from what she expected. It turns out they wanted a striptease dancer as a result of misreading her advert. Before leaving, she has to send Richard to get Daddy out.
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you very much.
00:31Was that the papers?
00:36Are you asleep, Richard?
00:43I'm surprised you can sleep.
00:45You know it's an important day for me.
00:49Hmm?
00:52I'd be surprised if you can sleep much longer.
00:57Did you bolt the door?
01:01Door?
01:03It's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall.
01:08Oh, is it the morning?
01:10A particularly dangerous time for intruders.
01:14Why, what happens to them?
01:19I'm only thinking of our safety.
01:21I don't want you worrying about intruders.
01:25I wasn't worrying, I was asleep.
01:28Lucky you.
01:30I might be asleep if I thought you bolted the door.
01:35Why don't I go and bolt the door?
01:38Oh, Richard, would you?
01:42What a kind thought.
01:46And see if the papers come while you're there.
01:49Oh, that's what this is all about.
01:54I thought I heard a noise.
01:56It might have been the paper.
01:58Could have been an intruder.
02:04And check the back door while you're there.
02:16There it is.
02:17Have a good look, lad.
02:19That's the house.
02:22The lair of the Dragon Lady.
02:24Mrs Buck.
02:27She's why we get up an hour early.
02:29Because it's worth it.
02:30Just to be able to walk down that path and deliver her milk without getting caught.
02:45Do you want me to go?
02:47No, lad.
02:49Better not.
02:50I promise your mother I'll look after you.
02:53You take that side.
02:55I'll go.
02:56I can do it.
02:59Just as long as I know she's safely in bed.
03:02I can't hear you checking, Richard.
03:09Answer me, I can't hear you checking.
03:12I'm checking as I go.
03:16Feel your candy.
03:23What are you doing up at this hour?
03:26That's a good question.
03:28Richard?
03:29She's not getting up, is she?
03:31What kind of a man are you, making your wife get up this early?
03:35She's not getting up.
03:37Can I have that in writing?
03:39I hope so.
03:41Right, I'll clear this lot up.
03:43Just make quite sure that she's not getting up.
03:53Who were you talking to?
03:57The milkman.
03:59Why is he always so early nowadays?
04:02I miss our little chats.
04:05Yes, so does he.
04:08At every opportunity.
04:13Richard, you're not going back to sleep again?
04:16It doesn't look like it.
04:18Surely you're a little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career.
04:23Yes, I am a little excited.
04:25I'm very sleepy and a little excited.
04:29Can you get back to sleep?
04:31Oh, right.
04:41It's no good.
04:43I must be up when the paperboy comes.
04:46I suppose when he pushes it through our letterbox,
04:49he tears the very page displaying my advertisement.
05:00I thought you were going.
05:02I was going, but Harsinth keeps popping out every 30 seconds.
05:06Like a demented cuckoo clock.
05:09Oh, I'm never going to make it without her spotting me.
05:12I thought you wanted to be early today.
05:14I did want to be early, but not so badly that I want to get entangled with Harsinth.
05:18You can't just stay indoors because you might meet Harsinth.
05:22Oh, yes, I can.
05:25I know when I'm well off.
05:28There she goes again. What on earth is she doing?
05:45Go on, there's a chance.
05:47I'm never going to make it.
05:49Well, you won't if you don't hurry.
06:01I thought I heard him.
06:03How can you hear a paperboy half asleep in trainers?
06:07How much noise can he make?
06:10How can you hear a paperboy half asleep in trainers?
06:13How much noise can he make?
06:15I do hate it when they're late.
06:17Is he late?
06:19Perhaps I'd better make a phone call.
06:23Who would you call for a lost paperboy?
06:26You can't call anybody.
06:28He won't be lost. He'll be on his way.
06:32I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately
06:35because I made him wash his ears.
06:38What gave you cause to do that?
06:40I caught him poking them.
06:44I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears.
06:51You brought the paperboy in to wash his ears?
06:54Good heavens no, Richard. Of course I didn't.
06:58Do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paperboy indoors?
07:04No, I took him out a wet wipe.
07:08And I stood over him until he'd done the job properly.
07:12I may not be able to influence many other ways of this world
07:16but at least my paperboy has clean ears.
07:19Paperboy.
07:28Oh, what a beautiful Chloe.
07:31Good morning, Emmett.
07:33Off to work then?
07:35No, I thought I'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies.
07:40Oh, that's nice. Have you seen the paperboy?
07:43So that's who you're waiting for?
07:45I have an advertisement in the paper this morning.
07:48I want to make sure they've placed it somewhere suitable.
07:51I know what you mean, Hyacinth.
07:53There are certain things that we encounter in life
07:55that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable.
07:58Ah, there he is now. About time.
08:01I'm sorry, Emmett. I can't stop to converse.
08:06We must have our chat some other time.
08:09Young man!
08:24What has happened to you?
08:27Have you ever tried to catch a paperboy?
08:31Tea! Tea!
08:34Oh!
08:35Is your advert in?
08:37See if you can find it, will you, dear?
08:41Oh! I can't focus properly.
08:44The world's dancing about.
08:49Oh, I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring.
08:53Now that my advertisement's appeared,
08:55I shall be inundated with calls.
08:57You'll have to help me, Richard.
08:59Are you sure it's in this week?
09:01Look for somewhere prestigious.
09:03It's quite small,
09:05but they promise specifically to put it somewhere prestigious.
09:08And what does it say?
09:10Experienced hostess.
09:12Offers her services for your special occasion.
09:18Followed by my telephone number.
09:23It's that old. No wonder I can't find it.
09:28Short and dignified, dear.
09:31You know me. I'm never one to go on at length.
09:35Not a lot of people know that.
09:40Don't be silly, dear. Don't be silly.
09:42Here it is. Here it is.
09:44Short and dignified.
09:49It's a big day for me, Richard.
09:51This could be the start of something important.
09:55I could become the Barbara Cartland
09:57of the West Midlands social circuit scene.
10:01Yes, not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year.
10:07It's not just a career, Richard.
10:09It's my duty to share my impeccable taste
10:12for a well-laid table.
10:14In my own small way,
10:16I shall begin to advise and educate the nation
10:19in gracious living.
10:21For my advanced classes,
10:23I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently
10:26at their candlelight suppers.
10:32Oof!
10:34I do hope you'll stop me, Richard,
10:36if I ever decide to chase another paperboy.
10:40Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
10:47You used to like me in that pink dress.
10:51You used to say,
10:52''Wow, Dave, that pink dress!''
11:02What was it you liked about my pink one?
11:08Your pink what?
11:10My pink dress.
11:12You said you liked me in that pink dress.
11:14Oh, Dave, what kind of way is that to wake a person up?
11:19Other people get a cup of tea.
11:22You said I looked really edible in that pink dress.
11:28You haven't got a pink dress.
11:30Not now. You tore it off me that night.
11:37I tore it off you?
11:39Yes, you did.
11:40You must have been on fire.
11:47It was you that was on fire.
11:51You said I looked like a strawberry ice with caramel topping.
11:57You had to be prevented from licking me all over.
12:07How long ago was this?
12:10It was before we were married.
12:12I figured that much.
12:16Will you come here a moment, dear?
12:20Tell me, does this look suitable?
12:23For what?
12:25For answering the telephone.
12:29Does it really matter what you look like answering the phone?
12:32Well, of course it matters, Richard.
12:34People have a right to expect their social advisor
12:38to be suitably attired when answering the telephone.
12:44Richard, it could be my first client.
12:48The Mackay residence, the lady perhaps speaking.
12:52Oh, it's you, Violet.
12:54Look, Violet, I can't stay long on the telephone, dear.
12:57I'm expecting some very important business calls.
13:01I don't remember tearing your dress off.
13:04Are you sure you were with me?
13:07Do you mind?
13:09I don't usually tear your dress off.
13:11I've noticed.
13:14I've usually got it off before I get through the door.
13:18Isn't that one of Rose's engagement parties?
13:22Well, that doesn't narrow it down much.
13:26Your Rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps.
13:31I heard that.
13:33Father's already up and dressed.
13:35What's his hurry?
13:36Oh, he goes to his hobby circle today.
13:39But that's not till this evening.
13:41He doesn't want to be late.
13:43Rose, who were you getting engaged to when I wore a pink dress?
13:49A pink dress?
13:51I can't remember.
13:53Me neither.
13:54It was at one of your engagement dos.
13:57What was I wearing?
13:59Well, it wouldn't be white, I can tell you that much.
14:03Well, where are we going?
14:05Now, sit there, Richard, and then you won't miss any calls.
14:11I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge.
14:14No, you'll be quite comfy, dear.
14:16Read something.
14:18Look, the telephone book.
14:22Now, I won't be a moment.
14:24I'm simply going to invite Elizabeth for coffee.
14:27Well, why don't you phone her? That's what you normally do.
14:30Richard, we have to keep this line free.
14:34It's bad enough that calls from people responding to my advertisement
14:38take their turn stacking up at the exchange
14:41without making BT's life even more difficult.
14:45We may have to have a second line installed.
14:48Anyway, if there's a call for me, fetch me immediately.
14:54I'll do that.
14:56Oh, and do answer the telephone nicely, Richard, the way I do.
15:08PHONE RINGS
15:12The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
15:18No, I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls.
15:24This is not the Chinese takeaway.
15:27And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial.
15:33We'll soon find out when it was.
15:36I've got Rose sorting out photos from her engagement parties.
15:39Well, you'd better give her a hand to carry them,
15:41otherwise she'll give herself a hernia.
15:49There's some of Rose's photos in here.
15:51It's somewhere.
15:54We can put that album on one side.
15:56Those are me early ones.
15:58Yes, we can forget about the black and white ones.
16:03And the sepia.
16:11There you are, dear.
16:13Thank you, Hyacinth.
16:15I'm so glad you could come, Elizabeth.
16:18But don't be surprised if I have to dash off to answer the telephone.
16:22Sounds very exciting, this new venture of yours, Hyacinth.
16:25Yes, doesn't it?
16:27Also, I feel it's a duty on my part, you know.
16:32Good taste is so very rare these days.
16:35There's a whole world out there in need of my advice, Cream.
16:39Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.
16:43What exactly are the services you're offering?
16:46Oh, everything connected with social etiquette and gracious entertaining, Sugar.
16:52Thank you.
16:53Everything from how to lay a table in the manner of your social betters.
16:58Oh, no tongs.
17:01To advice on menus for the unimaginative.
17:04Unimaginative?
17:06The kind of things people experience at my candlelight suppers.
17:15I wouldn't mind a coffee.
17:17Richard, go and sit by the telephone, dear.
17:22We will hear it in here.
17:24Excuse me, Elizabeth, but do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
17:29Now, look, Richard, I cannot be in two places at once.
17:33I want you to sit here with pencil at the ready to take down names and addresses.
17:39But I can hear the telephone perfectly well in the kitchen.
17:43Shh! Precisely.
17:48Delicious, aren't they?
17:53Look, I couldn't say this in front of Elizabeth,
17:57but she does have this unfortunate habit of dropping something every time the telephone rings.
18:02If this happens, I might be distracted,
18:05torn between the ringing and the fate of my polished table or handmade Burmese rug.
18:11Now, sit here with your pencil at the ready.
18:20Sitting with my pencil at the ready.
18:27Oh, I liked him.
18:30I wish you'd married this one.
18:32Oh, that one?
18:34Yes, it looked all right, but it was underpowered.
18:40He was underpowered.
18:43Any more breakfast?
18:45You've drunk it all.
18:49Who's this?
18:51When were you engaged to this?
18:55Oh, I don't know.
18:57Are you sure it's one of mine?
19:00Well, that's you on his arm.
19:04Oh, yes.
19:07I don't remember him at all.
19:12Ninety-two.
19:14Ninety-three.
19:17Would you like a little top-up, dear?
19:19Oh, no, no, no, that's fine. Thank you, Hyacinth.
19:21Well, you mustn't let it get cold.
19:25I shall also advise, of course, on appropriate music for elegant soirees.
19:32And I know just the person to help me there.
19:35Emmett.
19:42We get on so well, your brother and I.
19:46I'm sure he'd enjoy working out a programme with me.
19:51Oh, soggy bickies.
19:56Emmett's very busy, Hyacinth.
19:58Perhaps on special occasions the two of us could perform together musically.
20:03Only for my very best clients, of course.
20:06I want this whole thing to be stately and gracious.
20:10The essence of the art of entertaining lies, I always think,
20:14in establishing an atmosphere of grace and decorum.
20:18Oh!
20:24Hey, residents, the lady of the house speaking.
20:27Oh, it's you, Daisy.
20:29It's my sister, Daisy.
20:32She's not the one with the Mercedes sawn-on room for a pony.
20:36Richard, get out of the way, dear.
20:40Oh, who is in the way, dear?
20:44Daisy, what is it, dear?
20:47I can't stay long on the telephone.
20:50This is now a business line. I'm expecting clients to call.
20:54How's Daddy?
20:56Oh, dear Daddy.
20:58Daddy's gone to his hobby circle.
21:01I knew Daddy was a born philatelist.
21:04Do I remember who, dear?
21:06Rosie's fiancées.
21:08Yes, I'm afraid I do remember Rosie's fiancées.
21:11The one in the green suit.
21:14I mean, I can't remember his name,
21:16but I do vaguely remember someone in a green suit.
21:19Richard, whom did Rose become engaged to in a green suit?
21:24I don't think I've ever seen Rose in a green suit.
21:30Not her, him.
21:32Or should that be not she, he?
21:37Thank you for the coffee, Hyacinth.
21:39Always a pleasure, Elizabeth.
21:42I'd rather you didn't climb over the wall, dear.
21:45Somebody who's read my advertisement
21:47might just happen to be watching.
21:54You will tell Emmet about my little plans for him?
21:57Oh, I think perhaps you'd better tell him, Hyacinth.
21:59I'm sure he'd be thrilled.
22:01I'm sure he'd be more than thrilled.
22:04And tell him he mustn't be shy.
22:07I'll be there with him.
22:12He'll be with someone who knows
22:14how to conduct herself in social situations.
22:18Hyacinth, telephone!
22:21Richard!
22:23Please don't shout in the street.
22:27It's not like you to go about shouting in the street.
22:31You've got a client.
22:34How do I look?
22:36How do I look?
22:46Hello.
22:47Scintillating socialising.
22:51Senior Soiree Staff Supervisor speaking.
22:55Yes.
22:56How many are you?
22:58Twenty?
23:00How many are you?
23:02Twenty?
23:03Oh, no, we enjoy the larger functions.
23:07Yes.
23:08No good being elegant if there's no one there to see it.
23:12Our fees?
23:14Oh, well, I'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate.
23:18Yes.
23:19I think I can promise you you're in for a treat.
23:24Address?
23:2624A Market Street.
23:32Oh, that's nice and central.
23:34Yes, and time?
23:35Six o'clock.
23:37And when?
23:39Today.
23:40Today?
23:43Oh, well, it is rather short notice, but don't worry.
23:46We shan't let you down.
23:48Goodbye.
23:50Oh, Richard.
23:52Richard.
23:53Richard, my first clients.
23:56Twenty people, all wanting to improve their social graces.
24:04Edward!
24:07My musical friend.
24:10How do I look?
24:11You look amazing.
24:13Thank you.
24:15I'm going consulting.
24:17Soon, I hope.
24:19Immediately.
24:21I'm on my way now.
24:23If only Richard would stop dawdling.
24:28Richard!
24:34What a pity Edward couldn't come.
24:37I'm sure he was devastated.
24:40He would have so enjoyed it.
24:42I don't know who these people are, but they're clearly interested in music.
24:46They invited me to bring my own.
24:49Why do they need music?
24:51Background, dear.
24:53Mind the pedestrian.
24:55She is on the pavement.
24:57She might decide to cross.
25:00Er, minding the pedestrian?
25:06I can't see 24A, can you?
25:08I can't even see 24.
25:13Stop the car.
25:1636.
25:18We must have passed it. Reverse, Richard.
25:21No, because this is a one-way street.
25:24Oh, really? Fancy choosing a one-way street.
25:28I can't choose.
25:30We'll have to walk back.
25:49Come along, Richard. Don't dawdle. I mustn't be late.
25:53I'm on the double.
25:58Oh, here it is.
26:00One above us sharp.
26:02Why not? A group of like-minded enthusiasts need somewhere central to hold their meetings.
26:07Now wait here, Richard. I'll go and relieve their minds.
26:10They must be wondering where I've got to.
26:13Oh, and I'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up.
26:27Hello, Richard.
26:29David, hello.
26:31Let you out on your own, has she?
26:33Someone shouldn't have said that. It just slipped out.
26:36Oh, it's all right.
26:38It's not a very subtle observation, is it?
26:40Fairly accurate, almost, isn't it?
26:42Don't mind my asking, and how long have you been married now?
26:4532 years.
26:4732 years?
26:49Good heavens.
26:50Still, look on the bright side.
26:52You should be due for parole soon.
26:58Come along, Richard.
27:02What's the matter? What is it?
27:04What a mercy! I didn't bring my royal duketon with the hand-painted periwinkles.
27:09Where are we going?
27:12We're going home.
27:14Home?
27:15Get this door open, Richard.
27:17Oh, give me those keys.
27:20But it can't be over already.
27:22It is for me.
27:25They misread my advert.
27:30They were all men, and they thought I was going to be a stripteaser.
27:39Oh, you merchant!
27:44Now, don't get settled, Richard.
27:46You have one last task to perform.
27:49What's that?
27:51To go back into number 24A.
27:54Why, for goodness' sake?
27:56To get Daddy out.
28:08APPLAUSE
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