"Beached Whale" To Living My Best Life | BRAND NEW ME
CLAIREABELLE, from New Zealand, battled with eating disorders growing up. From a very young age, she struggled with binge eating disorder and was subjected to bullying at school: "There was a group of boys that used to call me 'Bigfoot' and 'beached whale' so that contributed to how I dealt with my emotions." When Claireabelle was 16 she began to suffer from bulimia and her weight soon spiralled out of control. At her heaviest, she was 375lbs. After seeking medical intervention, in April 2020, Claireabelle had gastric sleeve surgery to help her lose weight and limit her bingeing. However, the surgery ran into complications and Claireabelle faced further surgeries and a painful recovery period. The ordeal was a turning point for her, as she realised that she needed to regain some control over her health. Claireabelle has since committed to restoring her mental and physical health through healthy routines. She has lost almost 200lbs in total and although she still has days where she struggles with her body image, Claireabelle now has a completely new lease of life: "My self-love and everything has come so far, I know my worth now."
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00:00At my heaviest I weighed 375 pounds.
00:04I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder.
00:06I literally just want to eat.
00:08People think, oh why don't you just stop?
00:10Why don't you eat healthier?
00:12It's not as simple as that because it had that control over me.
00:15I'm so overweight.
00:18No one understands.
00:19This is why I've come to the point of wanting the surgery.
00:24I knew that the only way I was going to be able to lose weight was
00:27the gastric sleeve surgery because I was just going to eat myself to death.
00:32I now weigh 180 pounds.
00:35My self-love and everything has come so far.
00:39I know my worth now.
00:45When I look at this I can remember exactly how I was feeling in each photo.
00:50It was just emptiness and feeling completely worthless
00:56and no self-love at all.
00:58And you can see in my eyes how I had given up.
01:01My experience with eating disorders I've been at both ends of the spectrum.
01:05I've had binge eating disorder my whole life
01:09but I also had bulimia in 2014.
01:12With binge eating disorder you consume a large amount of food
01:16and that's how you gain all the weight.
01:19Whereas with bulimia you still have the binge mode but you purge after.
01:25It's hard to look back now and to see where you were
01:28and the helplessness and desperation is just horrendous.
01:31Going into high school there was a group of boys that used to call me Bigfoot and Beached Whale.
01:38So that contributed to how I dealt with my emotions.
01:42I would consume a large amount of food.
01:44In year 11, which is when I was 16, that's when I started to starve myself.
01:50I would go to school with my lunches that mum had packed
01:53and I would throw it in the rubbish bin.
01:55Or if I was starving myself at home I would feed the food to my dog
01:59and say that I had eaten it.
02:01Straight away that's when my binging started again
02:04and I started to regain all the weight that I'd lost
02:08and then would get further up on the scales than before.
02:12This is me.
02:13I went through a rollercoaster with losing weight and gaining weight.
02:17I'm fighting my brain.
02:19I just want to binge.
02:23I'm so overweight and no one understands.
02:26We always thought that she had a relationship with food that wasn't quite right.
02:30So if we ever brought it up it was just a taboo subject.
02:34You just didn't do it.
02:35I think I just felt desperate.
02:36As a mother you're as happy as you're sad as child
02:39and I just didn't know what to do with the situation.
02:43Watching her just starting to fall apart.
02:46I'm 27 this year and I've wasted so many years.
02:51I let my eating disorder and everything else take over
02:57and I cared too much about what people thought of me.
03:00People think oh why don't you just stop?
03:02Why don't you eat healthier?
03:04It's not as simple as that because it had that control over me.
03:07My brain would constantly be like
03:09come on just do it.
03:10Have a binge. Do it.
03:11You can do it. It's fine.
03:12Start again tomorrow.
03:13I've opened and closed the fridge so many times.
03:16I literally just want to eat.
03:20No one understands how hard this is.
03:22I can't even deal.
03:24I just want to go and eat something.
03:28I've never been able to express myself with fashion
03:31because there's not much clothing range for people that are a lot larger.
03:36This is a 3XL.
03:38At my heaviest weight I felt disgusted in myself.
03:42I was ashamed.
03:43I hid away from the world.
03:45Only my closest friends and my parents were allowed to see me.
03:48I wasn't living. I was just existing.
03:50And it got really, really dark.
03:52Literally I've only just fit the seatbelt.
03:55I got to the point where I couldn't even walk up my path without losing my breath.
04:00This is just walking up my path and my legs are already tired and I'm out of breath.
04:06I knew that the only way I was going to be able to lose weight
04:10was the gastric sleeve surgery because I was just going to eat myself to death.
04:15I got the phone call and I'm getting my surgery in five days.
04:20I wore this on the day that I had my surgery.
04:24At the time they seemed small, but now they are absolutely massive.
04:29I was taken into the room.
04:32I remember crying because I'd never had such a big surgery before
04:35so it was all a bit unknown.
04:37I had complication after complication.
04:40I woke up in recovery in a lot of pain.
04:43It's not my stomach, it's the gas.
04:46I was in and out of hospital for three months.
04:49I ended up having to have two more surgeries where they had to untwist my new stomach.
04:54After the second surgery I started to go uphill.
04:59A couple of months later I remember just sitting in the bath
05:02and it kind of hit me what I'd been through.
05:04And I was like, oh my god, that's crazy.
05:06But also in a way I am grateful for everything that did happen.
05:11If that did happen I would 100% go through all of that again to get to where I am.
05:15I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has gotten me to where I am now.
05:20I never used to like exercise.
05:22My parents would have to literally force me to do any form of exercise
05:26and now I absolutely love running.
05:28Losing all the weight and not having that heaviness on my body,
05:32I just feel free and fit and healthy,
05:35which just obviously impacts your whole being, your mental and physical being.
05:43At my heaviest I weighed 375 pounds and I now weigh 180 pounds.
05:50It's like a free feeling, being able to run and have that energy
05:55and be able to move my body where I couldn't used to do that.
06:00Great, now time to cool down at the beach.
06:03I think I'm always going to struggle with how I see myself.
06:06My brain, I'm constantly telling myself I've lost the weight,
06:09but I still think I'm as huge as I used to be.
06:12And I have to constantly check either my pictures or in the mirror
06:16to tell myself, no, you have lost weight.
06:20It blows my mind how far I've come.
06:22Not only did I gain my life back, but I gained my self-love and self-worth back.
06:29You would never have caught me dead in a bikini.
06:31So now, being able to be in a bikini at the beach
06:35and not have that overwhelming feeling of people staring at you
06:39and judging you for your size is amazing.
06:43How are you proud of Clare Bell?
06:45Amazingly. She's got a new life, she's happy, she's got a good relationship with food,
06:50she knows her self-worth.
06:52I think that's a really big thing because she had no self-worth before.
06:55Clare's going to win. Clare's going to win against binge eating.
06:59To us, this whole other chapter is going to be consigned to the past.
07:03It's incredible for us to really get our old Clare back, which is really cool.
07:08I am now able to live a normal life.
07:11My mental health has improved so much.
07:14I've become so strong in myself and know what I do deserve
07:19and also know that I am not just my body.
07:24I thought that I would do a video to my future self.
07:27If you feel like you have down days where you're still fighting your brain, please get help.
07:33Don't stay quiet. This video is for you.
07:36To see how hard it was for you when you were this overweight.
07:39To see how far you've come.
07:41I just feel like everything seems brighter
07:45and being able to see my parents happy as well with me now
07:50being back to their happy daughter that they always want to see.
07:53I'm not in my room hiding away. I'm able to go and live a life with them.