DON'T BE DEAD!

Stefan Molyneux

Sunday Morning Live 16 June 2024  Happy Father's Day!  In this heartfelt episode, we delve into the profound significance of honesty in relationships, exploring themes of childhood trauma, parental dynamics, and the value of truthful communication in fostering genuine connections. We discuss the art of taking responsibility during conflicts, the power of genuine apologies, and the transformative potential of empathy and personal growth in navigating relationships with grace. Delving into childhood victimization, we unravel the dynamics of self-blame and coping mechanisms, advocating for honesty, direct communication, and the power of authenticity in forging meaningful connections. Personal reflections on missed opportunities and the importance of fostering connections before it's too late underscore the significance of embracing vulnerability and genuine communication.  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  NOW AVAILABLE FOR SUBSCRIBERS: MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING' - AND THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI AND AUDIOBOOK!  Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, the interactive multi-lingual philosophy AI trained on thousands of hours of my material, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon!  https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022

Transcript

00:00:00Good morning, everybody. 16th June 2024.

00:00:08And 11, should we say, 24 plus 16 is 40.

00:00:16June is the six months. Six months. That's 46. I'm 57. It's a difference of 11.

00:00:24These math games are pointless, but good exercise for the old noggin.

00:00:28So, happy Father's Day, of course, to everyone. I hope that you are having a good day with your

00:00:36father, or talking to your father, or being honest with your father, and holding him to

00:00:41the standards of fatherhood, which fathers claim as the benefits of being fathers, right?

00:00:46So, if your father says, but I'm your father, then I hope that you are holding him to the

00:00:51standard of actually parenting you, of being your father. All right.

00:00:55Sorry, let me just zoom this out a smidge. It looks like that's a little close.

00:01:02There we go. All right. So, yes, I hope that you have a good day with your father,

00:01:08and there's nothing that shows your father that you respect him more than telling the truth.

00:01:14So, for instance, my family this morning gave me an entire bag of bath bombs and soaps,

00:01:20thus telling me I stink. And that's the kind of frankness and honesty that fathers need.

00:01:29Withholding the truth from your father is treating him like a hysterical woman.

00:01:34So, don't do that. Don't do that. All right. So, let's get your comments, questions, issues,

00:01:42challenges. First time catching the stream. Tuning in while I rehearse or pack up before

00:01:47band practice. Ah, at band camp. I hope you're a flautist. Flautist? Bonjour, Steph. Bonjour,

00:01:55mes amis. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Yes, yes, yes. Bon matin. Guten Tag. Guten Morgen.

00:02:06Morning, y'all. Happy Father's Day to all the amazing fathers in this community. God bless

00:02:09all the amazing fathers out there. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Happy,

00:02:13happy having offspring day to all the male paternal units out there. The outies, not the

00:02:17innies. All right. Happy Father's Day. You've been more of a parent to me than my father, which he

00:02:22knows. Well, I'm certainly sorry for that, but glad that I can contribute. So, it's really strange

00:02:30to me if a father were to hear from a child that the child is finding the father deficient in some

00:02:41manner. For the father not to be horrified and to up his game is a little incomprehensible to me.

00:02:52So, I hope that your father recognizes that you're finding more parenting from

00:02:58a guy on the internet and ups his game accordingly, right?

00:03:03Men used to enjoy competition. Now they seem to be rather paralyzed and crippled by it. All right.

00:03:10So, I have a rant in me. I have a rant in me based on what happened to me yesterday.

00:03:16So, I have a rant in me, but I'm also here for your questions and answers. I have a rant in me,

00:03:24but I'm also here for your questions and answers. Whatever works best for you is what I want to do.

00:03:31Whatever works best for you is what I want to do. And if I've given you some tips on parenthood or

00:03:36done a little bit of a father substitute role, tips are welcome. You know, it is Father's Day.

00:03:43I'm a good father and I get a lot of that internet dad stuff. So, Father's Day, the tradition is

00:03:53to give a little gift. So, if you would like to donate, freedomain.com slash donate.

00:04:00freedomain.com slash donate. Of course, you can tip on the app here on Rumble and on Locals.

00:04:12All right. Some people want some rants. All right. Well, I first told him about three to

00:04:16four years ago, nothing has changed since even with the occasional reminder. He might think

00:04:19that since I'm already an adult, it's too late to make up for it. All right. I tried to thank

00:04:25my father for all his hard work and sacrifices just like Rachel did to her father, but it didn't

00:04:30come out as well as in your book. I hope you understood. Well, I mean, I'm a writer, right? I

00:04:34mean, I'm supposed to have it come out deep and meaningful. I'm sure Shakespeare didn't talk like

00:04:38Hamlet. My brother paid me back some money he owed me. It's coming your way. Thank you. I appreciate

00:04:43that. Let's get ready to rant. As a child, if I told my dad how lazy a father he was, I could

00:04:51rightly have been expected to be backhanded across the room. Yes, I'm sorry about that.

00:04:56Responding to criticism with violence is ape-like.

00:05:02Sorry, that's a bit of an insult to apes who don't really have the capacity to do better. So,

00:05:06I'm sorry about that. I really am.

00:05:11Rants. All right. Again, I'm just going to wait for a second if there are any questions.

00:05:17When was the last time you saw your mother? Probably about a quarter century ago.

00:05:20Taking a break from cleaning toilets to be here. Hope it's worth it. No pressure.

00:05:26See, this is what I'm talking about with regards to competition. I hope to rise to the level

00:05:31of being better than toilet cleaning. That is my foundational goal as a communicator and a

00:05:37motivator, is to be better than poopy wiping. That's, you know, or...

00:05:45What's it, a guy had finally cleaned the splash pee around his toilet and you could see the shape

00:05:52of his feet there and he's like, wow, what are the odds? Yes, I hope to be better than toilet

00:05:57cleaning. That's my new tagline. Freedom ain't helpfully better than toilet cleaning. That is

00:06:04the goal. All right. My dad just went silent when confronted. Yeah, and again, that's,

00:06:18that's, I don't know, hysterical feminine stuff, right?

00:06:21So, your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s.

00:06:30Your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s.

00:06:35Now, as a wise community of thinking people, no disrespect to the person who's making that

00:06:42comment. I know you're typing and it's limited. What is the problem with saying or asking me

00:06:50the question, so your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s?

00:06:53What is the challenge with that? What is the problem with that formulation, that sentence?

00:07:11And I do wish there wasn't quite as much of a delay sometimes

00:07:14in getting comments back because I feel like I'm vamping to the nth degree.

00:07:20But what, yeah, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that question?

00:07:23So, your relationship with your mother ended in your early 30s? It didn't end.

00:07:29Yeah, it is to imply there was even a relationship. Yes. So,

00:07:33in my early 30s, I recognized that I had no relationship with my mother.

00:07:36Right. If you are handed a counterfeit bill and you find out later that it's a counterfeit bill,

00:07:52like let's pretend it's a real monetary system and you can counterfeit, right?

00:07:55So, if you're handed a counterfeit bill and you hold onto it,

00:08:00you find out that the bill is counterfeit. You don't give up your relationship with the real

00:08:05money, right? If you're given a counterfeit bill, you didn't have a real bill and then walked away

00:08:16from a real bill. You recognize that the bill is counterfeit. I mean, you could do this with

00:08:22art or whatever it is, right? You think you have an original Krieghoff or something like that

00:08:28because you love the way he paints cracked ice, and Lord knows who doesn't. You think you have

00:08:33an original Cornelius Krieghoff, turns out it's a fake. Well, when did you stop having that real

00:08:42Cornelius Krieghoff painting? When did you decide to walk away from that real Cornelius? Like,

00:08:46no, I just, it was never there. It was never. Did your wife ever meet your mom? God, no.

00:08:52That's why she's my wife. I would never in a million years have had my wife meet my mother.

00:09:00Oh my God. Oh, I'm sorry.

00:09:06Your association with your mother ended?

00:09:12No, I don't think so.

00:09:20I don't think it's the way.

00:09:22You could say 25 years ago, I stopped participating in an exploitive fraud.

00:09:35Right? 25 years ago, I stopped participating in an exploitive fraud.

00:09:40I escaped an unjust imprisonment, and I just stopped lying. I just stopped lying.

00:10:00And it's a wild thing to do.

00:10:03I just stopped lying.

00:10:09And it's a wild thing, you know?

00:10:16I mean, I had a wild call-in show last night with a guy who probably has

00:10:23the least conscience of anyone I've ever talked to.

00:10:33And it was a huge amount of work.

00:10:39And I said to him, what do you think is the major moral issue that you're not addressing?

00:10:45What's the major moral lesson or principle that you're missing that your life has ended up like

00:10:50this? And he couldn't come up with it, and it's just telling the truth.

00:10:59Do you have any news about her?

00:11:03Not really.

00:11:07Not really.

00:11:08Some stuff filtered through the grapevine some years ago that's not particularly important, but

00:11:13nothing's changed.

00:11:15Maybe it's an object lesson.

00:11:17See, this is what happens when you are a horrible human being and reject reality.

00:11:21See, you're not virtuous if you fail to apply negative consequences to evildoers.

00:11:37You can't be a moralist and then shield evildoers from the negative effects of their actions,

00:11:45which is why I was not really a moralist.

00:11:49Which is why I was not really, although I had studied by my early 30s, I'd studied philosophy

00:11:54and morality for over 15 years.

00:11:57I was not a moralist because I was still covering up the crimes of evildoers.

00:12:02Somebody says, but since you were in your early 30s, would you say you had

00:12:05responsibility in being a victim of said fraud?

00:12:16Oh, that's funny.

00:12:18But since you were in your early 30s,

00:12:21would you say you had responsibility in being a victim of said fraud?

00:12:29So I was the victim of multi-decade child abuse, and you're talking about my responsibility.

00:12:36Aligning with the abusers and attacking the victims.

00:12:45That is where your morality lies.

00:12:48Aligning with the abusers and criticizing or questioning or undermining the victims.

00:13:00Do I have responsibility for lying to myself?

00:13:03Of course.

00:13:08But society and the adults around me when I was growing up put me in the situation

00:13:15where I had to lie in order to survive.

00:13:19Oh, but your morality.

00:13:23I was trained in lying so I didn't die.

00:13:29I was threatened with death for telling the truth.

00:13:31And you're like, well, but you have a participation in the telling of the lie.

00:13:34Oh, my God.

00:13:38I'm really sorry that this is your mindset.

00:13:41And I understand, like, it's an e-jerk thing.

00:13:44Ah, but Steph, your moral responsibility in the lies and that.

00:13:51It's a very sad place to be, man.

00:13:57It's a very sad place to be.

00:13:59Yeah, you tell the truth, you die.

00:14:01Yeah, you tell the truth, you die.

00:14:05But since you were in your early 30s,

00:14:07would you say you had responsibility in being a victim of said fraud?

00:14:10All right, somebody says, found a couple of days ago that my sister and parents don't

00:14:15believe in truth or reality, rather opinions and feelings of the truth,

00:14:19regardless of them possibly having contradictions.

00:14:21I'm not entirely sure what to do about this.

00:14:26What do you mean, do?

00:14:40Would you like a tip on how to evaluate people?

00:14:50Peacefulparenting.com, by the way, you should check it out.

00:14:53We got the URL.

00:14:59So, would you like a tip on how to evaluate people?

00:15:10I wanted to ask Friday, since we were on the subject of stealing,

00:15:17what is the childhood cause of kleptomania?

00:15:20The childhood cause of kleptomania is that you were being stolen from as a child.

00:15:25Your childhood is being stolen from you, your identity is being stolen from you,

00:15:29your optimism, hope, and virtue is being stolen from you, so you steal

00:15:34to communicate to society that it's in the process of thieving.

00:15:40Right.

00:15:50You ever see the movie Terminator 2?

00:15:54The Terminator, the liquid Terminator, goes into an arcade and asks some kid,

00:16:02Where's John?

00:16:05Where's John?

00:16:06And the kid, who's got kind of like a spiky hairdo,

00:16:10instinctively lies to authority and says, I don't know, even though he does.

00:16:20Right.

00:16:21And there's a meme which says this kid instinctively saved the entire human race

00:16:26because of an instinctive desire to lie to an authority figure.

00:16:32Right.

00:16:34Thank you, Tony.

00:16:42So, let's say that there is an unjust law that has passed.

00:16:53Right.

00:16:53A really, truly unjust law that has passed.

00:16:56Right.

00:16:56And let's say you could be snagged by this law.

00:17:04Right.

00:17:13Maybe the law is,

00:17:17has someone ever told an off-color joke, a mildly offensive joke,

00:17:22a joke that it could be considered kind of rude.

00:17:23There's some law that's passed, right?

00:17:26You can't say or have ever said

00:17:31anything off-color or controversial or upsetting or mildly rude.

00:17:36You just can't have said it.

00:17:39Now, some policeman goes to Person X

00:17:49and is kind of intimidating and says, Citizen,

00:17:56I need you to tell me whether that guy ever broke this law.

00:18:07Right.

00:18:07So, let's say your name is Bob and Sally is a family member.

00:18:13And some cop goes to Sally and says, Has Bob ever even come close to breaking this unjust law?

00:18:29What is Sally going to say?

00:18:32Yeah, you know, there was that one time where like, Nope, I've never heard of it.

00:18:35Nope.

00:18:35Not in a million years.

00:18:36Never heard of it.

00:18:36Never going to happen.

00:18:37Won't testify.

00:18:38Not true.

00:18:38Nothing.

00:18:43That's your evaluation.

00:18:49And you know the answer.

00:18:50You don't have to tell me the answer, but you know the answer.

00:18:55You know the answer.

00:18:56Would Person X turn you over to a wildly unjust authority figure?

00:19:13I have wondered if Stefan—

00:19:15That's what they call Asperger's.

00:19:17His way of looking at the world is extraordinary.

00:19:20It takes one to know one, I suppose.

00:19:26Asperger's?

00:19:30That's very funny.

00:19:32Thought is mental problem.

00:19:35Thought is brain deficiency.

00:19:37Reason and evidence are a sign of massive biological dysfunction.

00:19:45Oh, gosh, that's funny.

00:19:50Reasoning is the new crazy.

00:19:53Oh, you mean just like living in France every day?

00:19:55No, seriously.

00:19:56Seriously.

00:20:08Q. If buying is not ownership because they can delete all to deny services after I pay for it,

00:20:12then is there a moral argument saying piracy is not theft?

00:20:19So people can put whatever restrictions they want on whatever IP they want, right?

00:20:27I mean, someone could sign a document that says,

00:20:32if you watch this movie, you have to do five jumping jacks.

00:20:35And if you sign that, then you have to do five jumping jacks.

00:20:37People can put whatever restrictions they want.

00:20:39The market will find out what's the optimum.

00:20:43Person says, I'm not intending to attack you as victim at all or defend your parents.

00:20:51Interesting.

00:20:55Interesting.

00:20:55So this is part of the same problem.

00:20:58So if I experienced something you did as negative, right?

00:21:04If I experienced something you did as negative,

00:21:09then you have an interesting challenge, as do I, as does everyone, right?

00:21:17If I experienced something you said as negative, what do you do?

00:21:22What do any of us do?

00:21:23This is really, really important, by the way.

00:21:27I mean, obviously everything I say is equally important,

00:21:30but this is even more equally important.

00:21:33So if you say something that is negative,

00:21:39your way of looking at the world is not normal.

00:21:41That's why you have this show.

00:21:48I don't understand.

00:21:50So people who think are different from people who don't think.

00:21:55Is that what you're...

00:21:56Is this the giant insight that you're bringing?

00:22:00You know, thinking is different from not thinking.

00:22:08I'm so deep.

00:22:10Good for you.

00:22:11You know, I find that going to the gym and working out has a different outcome

00:22:18has a different outcome than not going to the gym and not working out.

00:22:23Wow, I'm like getting a face tan here from the brilliance.

00:22:28Okay, so if you said something that I experienced as negative,

00:22:34which is, you know, when I was talking about,

00:22:36as I have talked about, multi-decade violent and verbal abuse,

00:22:41and you're like, but what's your responsibility in all of this?

00:22:43If I do something that...

00:22:46If you do something that I experienced as negative, right?

00:22:51Then the question is, what do you do?

00:22:55If you care about someone, right?

00:22:57And let's just...

00:22:58Do you need to take this for a spin?

00:23:00Because this is absolutely the difference between being married and divorced.

00:23:04This is absolutely the difference between maintaining friendships and losing friendships.

00:23:08That is absolutely the difference between having a successful career

00:23:12and getting your ass fired on a repetitive basis.

00:23:20If you do something that someone in your life experiences as negative,

00:23:26what do you do?

00:23:30What do you do?

00:23:37What do you do?

00:23:38Hmm.

00:23:50Apologize.

00:23:51No, not necessarily.

00:23:53Not necessarily.

00:23:54Because you don't know if you're in the wrong or somebody's being oversensitive.

00:24:03I've had people tell me that before.

00:24:05Man, you think too much.

00:24:06I don't need to respond to them after that.

00:24:08Yeah, yeah.

00:24:10Tell me more.

00:24:11Yeah.

00:24:16You should apologize for making them feel bad instead of,

00:24:18well, I didn't mean to be hurtful.

00:24:20Well, I don't know that you should apologize for making them feel bad

00:24:22because maybe you didn't do anything wrong.

00:24:24Maybe they're oversensitive for whatever reason or...

00:24:26But just, you know, oh, you know, tell me...

00:24:28Well, certainly you're sorry to have upset them.

00:24:31That's almost English.

00:24:33Of course you're sorry to have upset them.

00:24:35Of course.

00:24:37I mean, if my wife, I don't know, she's never done this, I think, but if she,

00:24:41I don't know, woke me up one morning and said I was really hurt and upset by something

00:24:47you said last night, right?

00:24:48She's never done that, but let's just say she did, right?

00:24:50Because we, you know, we don't upset each other.

00:24:52We delight each other.

00:24:54But if she woke me up and she said I was really upset by something you said last night,

00:24:58I would, of course, be sorry that she was upset,

00:25:00but I wouldn't know that it's me.

00:25:01I wouldn't know that I did anything wrong, right?

00:25:05So I can't, I don't want to apologize as a means of appeasement,

00:25:09because that's a form of lying.

00:25:11Oh, I'm sorry.

00:25:12I'm sorry.

00:25:13I'm sorry for what I did.

00:25:15When you don't even know if it is anything you did,

00:25:17that's a sign of fear and weakness and appeasement.

00:25:20So I'm certainly sorry to upset someone.

00:25:25Or I'm sorry that someone is upset, I suppose, right?

00:25:28But I don't, I wouldn't apologize for whatever I did,

00:25:31because I don't know why they're upset.

00:25:33I don't know what, right?

00:25:35So if someone says I experienced something negative based upon what you said or did,

00:25:46the one that has you stay married, the one that has you,

00:25:49is to take responsibility for what you said and say, tell me more.

00:25:55Or if the person has explained why and you agree with them,

00:25:59like if I said, as I did, I said,

00:26:02you're siding with the abuser and only morally criticizing the victim, right?

00:26:08Or you're only holding the victim's moral accountability up to the light,

00:26:11not the perpetrator's moral.

00:26:13So if you agree and you say,

00:26:16oh, you know what, that was kind of knee-jerk and insensitive.

00:26:19So then you apologize, right?

00:26:24But what you don't do when someone says,

00:26:28you did something that upset me, is immediately say, you're wrong.

00:26:32That's what you don't do.

00:26:34I mean, if you want to stay married, maintain friendships and have a decent career,

00:26:40right?

00:26:40If your boss says, I'm upset at something you did,

00:26:44you don't just say, oh, you're wrong.

00:26:48No, you're wrong.

00:26:49You're wrong.

00:26:50I didn't do that.

00:26:51It wasn't my intention.

00:26:51Didn't happen, right?

00:26:53I mean, you just, you'll get fired.

00:26:58Or you certainly won't get promoted.

00:27:09So he says, I'm not intending to attack you as a victim at all or defend your parents.

00:27:19Now, I don't believe that.

00:27:21I don't believe that you can process all your own motives in such a,

00:27:25I mean, that's just reacting in a defensive way.

00:27:27Gaslighting, minimize.

00:27:28Hey, it's not my intent.

00:27:29I'm not intended.

00:27:30So then you're saying that I am, I mean, the repercussions of saying you're upset

00:27:35when I had no intention of anything that you're talking about is saying, well,

00:27:39Steph, you're just reacting in a volatile manner and you're inventing things that aren't true.

00:27:44You're kind of crazy, right?

00:27:45So this is adding insult to injury, right?

00:27:48So if somebody says you did something that upset me and they say, why?

00:27:51And you don't address their issues and you say, hey man, I didn't intend any of that.

00:27:54You're insane, right?

00:27:56I mean, so you just, this is how things escalate.

00:27:58Like you understand, I'm aware of this and I'm not offended,

00:28:01but this is how things escalate in a relationship.

00:28:03This is why people end up screaming at each other.

00:28:05Honestly, I'm not kidding about this is a hundred percent.

00:28:07This is why people get fired.

00:28:08This is why friendships blow up.

00:28:10This is why relationships blow up, is people escalate.

00:28:14So you say something that upsets me.

00:28:17I say, I'm upset and here's why.

00:28:19I didn't counterattack.

00:28:21I said, I'm upset and here's why.

00:28:22And then you say, well, I didn't mean to do any of that.

00:28:25So then where do we go from there?

00:28:28Where do we go?

00:28:32That's what defensiveness just, it ends things or escalates things.

00:28:36That's what defensiveness does.

00:28:38It either ends things or it escalates them.

00:28:40There's nothing else.

00:28:42Either I stopped talking to you because you're just calling me crazy for being upset because

00:28:46you criticized me morally rather than my mother who abused me, which is upsetting.

00:28:51And you can understand that, right?

00:28:52I mean, you can understand that, right?

00:28:54I mean, that's not brain surgery.

00:28:58And now you're saying that I'm totally wrong.

00:29:02Okay.

00:29:02So where do we go?

00:29:04So he says, I wanted to get your thoughts on if you felt a sense of moral responsibility

00:29:08to not being in that dysfunctional abusive situation with your mom.

00:29:11For instance, if you'd called her out earlier and be able to halt the abuse cycle earlier.

00:29:20Again, it's funny.

00:29:22It's funny because it's so obvious, right?

00:29:25I'm not attending to, I'm not intended to criticize you as a victim at all.

00:29:29I just want to know how much blame you take for staying in that abusive situation.

00:29:37Come on, man.

00:29:42Listen, you're totally wrong about me criticizing you, but why the hell did you stay in that

00:29:45abusive situation for so long?

00:29:47What's your response, more responsibility for that?

00:29:52Look, it's okay.

00:29:54You don't know.

00:29:55You don't know.

00:29:56It's very early thinking for you.

00:29:57And I'm sorry to be insulting.

00:29:58I'm just pointing it out, right?

00:30:00You don't see it.

00:30:01You don't see it.

00:30:02It's an instinct, right?

00:30:04All right.

00:30:05He says, I'm sorry for what I said.

00:30:06I regret the way I worded it as well.

00:30:08Sometimes the confrontation makes me lose my sense of composure as well.

00:30:11Thank you for the reminder.

00:30:13I'm sorry for what I said.

00:30:15I regret the way I worded it as well.

00:30:19But you then reworded it, didn't you?

00:30:22And continued.

00:30:23So I'm not really sure about that.

00:30:29Yeah, don't.

00:30:29Yeah.

00:30:30If you upset someone, don't say to that person, you're wrong.

00:30:33I didn't mean to.

00:30:34You're crazy.

00:30:34You're paranoid.

00:30:35Because it's all that happens, right?

00:30:38It's all that happens.

00:30:46I do regret the way I worded it and wanted to rephrase my question.

00:30:50No, no, I regret the way I worded it.

00:30:56So that's saying, well, Steph, it's a totally legitimate question.

00:30:59I just worded it wrong and clearly triggered you, right?

00:31:02I mean, no, no, it's the intention.

00:31:04It's the, it's the instinct.

00:31:05When somebody says, I got out of an abusive relationship and your first instinct is to

00:31:10say, well, why didn't you get out of it sooner?

00:31:14That's being a jerk.

00:31:15I'm sorry.

00:31:17That's being a jerk.

00:31:19And the other thing too, oh my gosh.

00:31:24Like you don't, you don't understand what it was like a quarter century ago.

00:31:31Now the voluntary family is a thing.

00:31:34Back then it absolutely was not.

00:31:36I had to invent all this shit out of nothing.

00:31:38So I had to invent all of this out of nothing against massive societal hatred and hostility.

00:31:57So saying, well, you were the first guy to invent this incredibly dangerous and complex

00:32:03thing against massive hostility and rage from society.

00:32:08Why didn't you just do it earlier?

00:32:10I mean, you kind of invented it and spread it at great cost and peril to yourself.

00:32:15Why didn't you just do the voluntary family thing earlier?

00:32:20I mean, you kind of invented it and spread it at great cost and peril to yourself.

00:32:25Why didn't you just do the voluntary family thing earlier?

00:32:27I mean, you kind of invented it and spread it at great cost and peril to yourself.

00:32:32Why didn't you just do the voluntary family thing earlier?

00:32:35I mean, you kind of invented it and spread it at great cost and peril to yourself.

00:32:39Why didn't you just do it earlier, man?

00:32:43Why didn't you do it earlier if it's so easy?

00:32:50Well, Steph, it certainly is true that society had bottomless

00:32:53hatred and hostility for getting out of abusive relationships with parents.

00:33:00But why didn't you just do it earlier?

00:33:02And there was no real concept of it before you came along and talked about it.

00:33:06So why didn't you just do it earlier?

00:33:09I mean, you understand, it's funny.

00:33:12Oh, my gosh.

00:33:13All right.

00:33:24It is really common.

00:33:25I didn't intend.

00:33:26I never meant to hurt you, etc.

00:33:28I had to work on this stuff myself.

00:33:29Right.

00:33:33Right.

00:33:34Yeah, don't gaslight.

00:33:36Gaslighting means the relationship ends or it escalates.

00:33:39Because people get angry.

00:33:40And they, I mean, I have some self-knowledge about this stuff.

00:33:43And so I don't, I'm not angry.

00:33:45Right.

00:33:46It's mildly annoying.

00:33:50But I can speak about it without escalation.

00:33:53Right.

00:33:58Have you ever drank to excess?

00:34:00The philosophical insight it gives you is unbelievable.

00:34:03I think I last got drunk at a cast party after Macbeth.

00:34:06I played Macbeth and I was at a cast party and I was in my early 20s.

00:34:10So it's been, you know, I don't know, 35, 37 years since I got drunk.

00:34:17And I don't get anything out of being drunk.

00:34:21Nothing.

00:34:21Like nothing whatsoever.

00:34:24It is not enjoyable.

00:34:27It is, I mean, I'm not a particularly inhibited guy to begin with.

00:34:30So the disinhibition doesn't really help me.

00:34:32And I just get the spins.

00:34:34I get dizzy.

00:34:34I get nauseous.

00:34:36It basically is just like voluntary poison.

00:34:37So I barely drink.

00:34:39I'll have maybe one drink every month or two.

00:34:41But I barely drink.

00:34:49And it's, you know, it's tough because of course, most of us have grown up with parents

00:34:55who won't admit fault and they did something to hurt us.

00:34:59And they won't just say, you know, Ooh, sorry.

00:35:03Sorry.

00:35:04Made a mistake.

00:35:05Did the wrong thing.

00:35:06Did a bad thing.

00:35:08Maybe did a bad, bad thing.

00:35:10And so we're not, you know, and of course, our parents, our teachers, our priests, you

00:35:17know, the authority figures that we have as a whole, they don't apologize and all of that.

00:35:22I found it more common in women.

00:35:24If a man hurts another man in an accident, they usually just admit their mistake.

00:35:29Yeah.

00:35:30So somebody was saying this as well.

00:35:31Do men argue about such things?

00:35:34Sounds like females speak to me.

00:35:40Well, you can't be a man really, if you don't interact with women.

00:35:46And if you say, well, this is a more female way of communicating.

00:35:50Well, the purpose of a man is to communicate with females.

00:35:55Because we're men in order to reproduce.

00:35:57And in order to reproduce, we need females.

00:35:59And in order to get females, we need to interact with females in a positive manner.

00:36:04So saying it's somehow not masculine to learn how to communicate in a feminine way is ridiculous.

00:36:10It's saying, well, you're only a man if you have absolutely nothing to do with a vagina.

00:36:14And it's like, no, your relationship to a vagina is exactly why you're a man.

00:36:19So this idea, well, that's all feminine speak.

00:36:22Yes.

00:36:23And you need to have, win and woo women in order to fulfill your duties as a man.

00:36:28In order to reproduce, which is the only reason that males and females begin with.

00:36:31So this idea, well, it's just men don't talk to each other like that.

00:36:35I'm like, well, first of all, gay men do, but men don't talk to each other like that.

00:36:39It's like, yes, but the purpose of a man is to talk to women.

00:36:43So you got to learn this stuff.

00:36:50I mean, if you're moving to Japan, I live with two females, right?

00:36:53And again, they're not particularly like this, but you got to know this stuff.

00:36:58All right.

00:37:05As you said before, defooing is hard, but the consequences of not defooing can be harder

00:37:08or even lead to grave consequences.

00:37:10You said that about a caller recently as well, the 35 year old single lady who had a dad in her life.

00:37:14My sentiment was with respect to whether you can relate to this or not.

00:37:22I don't know what that means.

00:37:23Now you're just abstracting to the point where you're not saying anything.

00:37:27Can I relate to somebody who has not taken a toxic relationship?

00:37:36Now this is even more insulting.

00:37:38Honestly, this is why it always escalates until you just admit fault and responsibility and say,

00:37:43you know what?

00:37:44That was insensitive.

00:37:45I apologize.

00:37:45I'll try and figure out why I said that because it was not good.

00:37:50It happens, right?

00:37:50It happens.

00:37:51We all do that, right?

00:37:52So if you say now what you've done, and this is why defensiveness and avoidance just always

00:37:58escalates, right?

00:37:59So now what you're saying is, well, Steph, you pride yourself on your sensitivity to your

00:38:08listeners.

00:38:10Can you possibly empathize or relate to a woman who has a dysfunctional father in her life or a

00:38:20dysfunctional parent in her life?

00:38:22Right?

00:38:22So now you're just even more insulting, right?

00:38:27I mean, my whole job in many ways is to be empathetic to my listeners.

00:38:30And you're saying, well, can you empathize?

00:38:32Can you really empathize and relate to someone who had exactly the same experience as you for

00:38:3632, 33 years?

00:38:38I mean, really?

00:38:39Can you?

00:38:42It's even worse.

00:38:43Like, you understand?

00:38:44You're just getting worse.

00:38:45You probably need to stop typing.

00:38:47You can type all you want.

00:38:49I'm just saying that now you're even more insulting than you were before, right?

00:38:56You're saying to a guy who was very heavy and lost a lot of weight in his early 30s and

00:39:04saying, and he gives advice, he's like, yeah, but can you actually relate to people who have

00:39:08a lot of weight and need to lose it in their 30s?

00:39:10Like, can you actually relate to people?

00:39:11And it's like, that's just even worse.

00:39:16So this is what I'm saying.

00:39:18It always escalates until you take responsibility.

00:39:20All right.

00:39:21I was about to ask if you get drunk at all, get nothing out of it, but apparently you

00:39:24do.

00:39:25I truly get nothing out of alcohol as I don't even get drunk or tipsy, so I don't drink

00:39:28any.

00:39:28Yeah.

00:39:32Yeah.

00:39:39For sure, we need to acclimatize to women.

00:39:40Come in softly.

00:39:41Well, yeah, I mean, for sure.

00:39:43Do you think that Genghis Khan conquered most of Asia because he was bad at talking to women?

00:39:46I don't know what to make of that statement.

00:39:48Genghis Khan conquered most of Asia because he was an animal on a horse.

00:39:54Hey, better to see this play out on the live stream than in a real life in-person relationship

00:39:58you care about.

00:39:59Oh, yeah.

00:39:59There's terrible habits.

00:40:01There's terrible habits.

00:40:02And I understand, like, I sympathize with the habits.

00:40:04I mean, you just grew up with people who wouldn't accept responsibility and were defensive,

00:40:08and that's your habit, right?

00:40:11Somebody says, I get drunk every weekend, about 10 beers at a time.

00:40:15I know it's not a good health idea, but I'm struggling to stop.

00:40:20Well, it's hard to stop at the painkillers until you can stop at the pain, right?

00:40:26So you get drunk in order to self-erase, which means that you have pain in your core.

00:40:31And if the dentist says, I need to give you a root canal, you'll be like, yeah, drug me.

00:40:39Drug me, right?

00:40:41Because it's going to be really painful, right?

00:40:42So it's really tough to stop the medicine until you have cured the ailment.

00:40:48And so you got to figure out what the beers are drowning, right?

00:40:50What truth?

00:40:52What truth?

00:40:57And so the reason why people have a tough time apologizing, which is a very strong and

00:41:06powerful thing to do, right?

00:41:07But the reason people have a tough time apologizing is because they grew up with

00:41:10immature people who would take apologies as a permanent reason to dismiss anything you

00:41:14ever said in the future, right?

00:41:17Oh, you're absolutely certain about doing, you're doing the right thing now, even though

00:41:20the last time you totally apologized because you weren't like, then you just don't have

00:41:23any credibility.

00:41:24And so you just, you can't give that away or you get all of that, right?

00:41:27Okay.

00:41:28Hey Steph, what is your opinion on why some women are attracted to martial artists?

00:41:31Recently, I passed by a local martial arts event and I couldn't help but notice the amount

00:41:35of attractive, visually, not necessarily morally attractive women that were there.

00:41:39Visually, morally, women standing outside the event, as I view it, dedicating many hours

00:41:44to practice and work makes men competent in their field more attractive.

00:41:47Is it this ability to do something long-term successfully, or there is a deeper truth in

00:41:52the domain of martial arts?

00:41:54What the hell does that mean?

00:41:55Sorry.

00:41:55Dedicating many hours to practice and work makes men competent in their field more attractive.

00:42:00Sorry.

00:42:02Are you confused as to why women would be attracted to men competent in the use of violence?

00:42:17I'm not sure if that's a real question.

00:42:19I mean, isn't the answer blindingly obvious?

00:42:22Why would women have evolved to be attracted to men who were competent and comfortable

00:42:27in the use of violence?

00:42:29Because the world was an extremely violent place and soy boys got mowed down like grasshoppers

00:42:37before a lawnmower.

00:42:40So, why are women attracted to men who were decisive and competent in the use of violence?

00:42:47Because the women who weren't attracted to violent men throughout most of human evolution

00:42:55tended to not be protected.

00:43:00So, maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't seem to be wildly complicated.

00:43:10And, of course, how were resources gathered and maintained throughout most of human history?

00:43:15Heck, how are resources gathered and maintained now?

00:43:18Through violence.

00:43:20Property rights enforced through violence.

00:43:23Self-defense, personal protection enforced through violence.

00:43:27Resources are created and protected through people's willingness to use coercion.

00:43:35Right?

00:43:36I mean, it's morally justified if it's self-defense and protection of property and so on.

00:43:43So, why would women be attracted to men really good at getting and protecting resources?

00:43:49Because women need resources because they got pregnant a lot and their babies needed

00:43:53resources.

00:43:54So, again, I'm sorry to sound dismissive, but I'm not quite sure I understand why this would be

00:44:00complicated.

00:44:02And, again, I'm happy to be corrected if there's something that I missed, but I can't understand

00:44:06how it's a mystery why women would be attracted to men who are competent at using violence.

00:44:17Steph, what happens if the other person explains why they are upset, but you do not agree that

00:44:23you did anything wrong and you think that they are oversensitive?

00:44:31Okay, so, my gosh, Relationship 101.

00:44:34It's not about the thing.

00:44:37Whatever people are complaining about, it's not about the thing.

00:44:40So, this guy is not like the guy who was saying,

00:44:42but Steph, why didn't you get out of this abusive relationship that you had to invent

00:44:45the reasons to escape way earlier?

00:44:48Like, honestly, the first woman who began to think, you know, maybe I shouldn't

00:44:52be in an abusive relationship with a man at a time when society told her it was her absolute

00:44:56duty to remain in an abusive relationship with a man and would attack and destroy her

00:45:01if she tried to get out.

00:45:02She said, well, why didn't you do it sooner, right?

00:45:04It's not about the thing.

00:45:07Do you think this guy is concerned about my moral standing with my mother a quarter century ago?

00:45:14He's not.

00:45:14Spoiler, it's not about me.

00:45:17And it's not even about him.

00:45:19It's about something that was inflicted on him many years ago.

00:45:28Right?

00:45:28So, we grew up being victimized.

00:45:30If we were victimized as children, we grew up being victimized and we are forced to blame

00:45:34the victim so that we don't get too aggressive and assertive and get harmed more, perhaps

00:45:41much more.

00:45:43So, blame the victim is how we survive.

00:45:45We take on the role of victimhood.

00:45:46We say it's our fault because we're abused if we're abused.

00:45:50And so, we have to say it's our fault to appease the abusers, blah, blah, blah.

00:45:52Right?

00:45:54So, his habit is in any conflict between victim and abuser to side with the abuser and criticize

00:46:00the victim because that's what happened in his childhood between him and his parent growing up.

00:46:07So, it's not about me.

00:46:09It's not about him.

00:46:10It's about what was done to him decades ago.

00:46:12And I sympathize with that and I understand that.

00:46:14I mean, I think we can have a standard of self-knowledge that you need to have some

00:46:17inkling of this stuff by now.

00:46:21So, you say, what happens if the other person explains why they are upset but you do not

00:46:24agree that you did anything wrong and you think they are oversensitive?

00:46:32He's confirming that I'm right.

00:46:34Yeah, I mean, and I sympathize with that.

00:46:36Right?

00:46:36But you just got to stop pulling this bullshit on other people.

00:46:38Right?

00:46:39And you got to talk honestly.

00:46:40Yeah, your parents were exactly like that.

00:46:42Yeah.

00:46:42There's a problem in our relationship.

00:46:44I am harming you.

00:46:45You've got to take on the role of the victim, which means side with the abusers and attack

00:46:48the victim, which was you.

00:46:49And then when I say I'm being assertive, you have an instinct from your parents to attack

00:46:53the victim and side with the abusers.

00:46:54And I sympathize with that.

00:46:55I really do.

00:46:56But you just got to stop doing that stuff.

00:46:58Right?

00:47:00Because that's just reproducing your parents' power in your social situation, which quality

00:47:06people are going to not want to be around.

00:47:07And again, I sympathize with that and I'm glad that you brought it up and I'm glad that we

00:47:11had an honest conversation about it and I respect your response.

00:47:14But yeah, it's right.

00:47:16We understand.

00:47:16Right?

00:47:22So, you do not agree you did anything wrong?

00:47:28And you think they're oversensitive?

00:47:31So, oversensitive is like overthinking.

00:47:35It's a meaningless insult word.

00:47:37It's a meaningless insult word.

00:47:40I would never say to someone I care about, you're overthinking things or you're oversensitive.

00:47:47That is a meaningless insult word.

00:47:53You're overreacting.

00:47:54It's like, who the fuck are you to judge what is the right or wrong degree of reaction?

00:48:02Degree of reaction.

00:48:09People don't overreact.

00:48:12Right?

00:48:12I mean, if we look at the stimulus behind this guy's comment, which again, I'm very

00:48:16glad that he made and it was a good conversation about it.

00:48:19But if you look at the stimulus, it was a very big and powerful stimulus.

00:48:24He's not overreacting.

00:48:27Right?

00:48:27I object to him acting out his childhood on me because that's what my mother did.

00:48:32She acted out her childhood on me.

00:48:36So, I don't like people acting out their childhoods on me and I'm going to call them

00:48:40out on it, but not in an abusive or aggressive way.

00:48:43Right?

00:48:44But I'm not going to let that happen because it's not good for them.

00:48:49It just reinforces the power their parents have over them to re-inflict their bad parenting

00:48:53on others.

00:48:57So, if you think someone is oversensitive, then you're not accurately processing what

00:49:05they're reacting to.

00:49:06Like this guy was reacting to his childhood, not my comments about my mother.

00:49:11Now, was it unfair to me?

00:49:13Sure.

00:49:15But his parents were unfair to him and he's just reproducing that.

00:49:17So, you don't come to conclusions for hours or days or weeks.

00:49:36So, if you say something and the other person gets upset and you say,

00:49:41well, I didn't do anything wrong and you're being oversensitive,

00:49:43you've just killed the conversation.

00:49:48And it's an argument from power.

00:49:51I didn't do anything wrong.

00:49:52You're being oversensitive.

00:49:53Well, they don't feel that way.

00:49:54They feel you did do something wrong and they're not being oversensitive.

00:49:57So, how does you just blankly denying things without proof solve anything?

00:50:02It just escalates.

00:50:06The moment you attempt to impose a conclusion in the absence of information,

00:50:10you're just doing a bullshit power play and you're demanding that the person subject

00:50:13themselves to you because escalation and aggression.

00:50:18It's a bullying tactic.

00:50:19I didn't do anything wrong.

00:50:20You're just being oversensitive.

00:50:21That's a conclusion without evidence because you don't even know what the real issue is.

00:50:26So, you just keep asking questions.

00:50:28Well, you did something wrong.

00:50:30Okay.

00:50:31Tell me more about that.

00:50:32I really want to know, right?

00:50:34And let's say you care about the person and you're completely in the right,

00:50:45but you care about the person.

00:50:48It doesn't matter that you know you're in the right.

00:50:53It only matters whether he or she figure out that you're in the right.

00:51:00Do you see what I'm saying?

00:51:04It doesn't matter.

00:51:07The important thing is for her to figure out that you're in the right.

00:51:19Somebody says, I was abused and ignored by my mother.

00:51:21I had no problem admitting that to myself, but I had a problem getting her to admit that to me.

00:51:26Well, yeah, I'm sure you did.

00:51:28I'm sure you did because if you're abused and ignored, you're dehumanized.

00:51:32And then when you try to come in with a different opinion, it provokes the rehumanization

00:51:36possibility, which provokes the conscience, which they react to.

00:51:46Saying oversensitive implies you have a way to measure sensitivity accurately

00:51:52and can mark extreme levels.

00:51:54Yes, you're that objective, right?

00:51:56You know exactly what they're reacting to and you know it's too much,

00:51:58even though it's in their distant past, right?

00:52:03Oversensitive is an empty term of insult.

00:52:12Now, am I getting comments here?

00:52:14I don't think I am.

00:52:15Let me see if I can refresh here.

00:52:24All right.

00:52:26Oh, somebody's typing.

00:52:29All right, let me see here.

00:52:43Interesting.

00:52:46So that's interesting.

00:52:47The last two shows, tips have been very low.

00:52:50Don't forget, of course, that if you want to talk to sort of a new service,

00:53:00now, if you want to talk to me privately, you can go to freedomain.com slash call

00:53:04and you can have a call.

00:53:11You can have a call with me that is not published.

00:53:14Not published.

00:53:15And we can talk out of the public sphere about whatever you want.

00:53:21Maybe it's a great business idea and you don't want it to go out publicly

00:53:24or something that you want to keep private.

00:53:26You can go to freedomain.com slash call and you can book a private call.

00:53:30All right.

00:53:38Oversensitive is almost always a term of insult.

00:53:43Not quite abuse, but insult for sure.

00:53:51Guy says, the guy I was talking to earlier, I was curious.

00:53:58Whether you related to a situation such as that 35-year-old female who still had her

00:54:02dad in her life, which was hampering her ability to find a man to marry and have kids with.

00:54:06I was wrong to have related it to you in the way that I did and attribute

00:54:09to you as something you deserve blame for.

00:54:11What?

00:54:16I was curious whether you related to a situation such as that.

00:54:21Um, I don't, I don't understand.

00:54:23I was in my early thirties and still had two dysfunctional parents in my life.

00:54:28Why would I not relate to somebody in their thirties who had a dysfunctional parent?

00:54:31And I don't understand.

00:54:32Of course I would relate that.

00:54:34I mean, I don't understand.

00:54:35Why would I, how could I possibly write to someone who had over three decades experience

00:54:40of the same thing as me?

00:54:44So you're not curious whether I related to a situation like that.

00:54:47He says, I'm asking because I also want to figure this out as well, because I still

00:54:51currently have my abusive parents in my life as well.

00:54:54And I don't want to prolong it since I can control the timeline of how long I am in this

00:54:59fraud as you called it.

00:55:01No, I called my relationship fraud.

00:55:03I'm not calling your relationship fraud because I don't know anything about it.

00:55:05I'm asking because I also want to figure this out as well, because, so I guess my question

00:55:11is, and this is part of the whole indirection stuff, is that if you say, so, so what happened

00:55:18was I said, I didn't end a relationship with my mother.

00:55:21I stopped participating in a falsehood and a fraud.

00:55:23And this triggered you because then you think, oh my gosh, I myself am participating possibly

00:55:28in a, uh, a counterfeit and a fraud, right?

00:55:32Okay.

00:55:34So you, and, and trigger doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing, right?

00:55:37But, but what I said provoked your conscience.

00:55:40So I said, well, in my thirties, I got out of a counterfeit fraudulent relationship.

00:55:46I stopped lying.

00:55:47Right.

00:55:48And that was about me.

00:55:49Now, what this did was it triggered your conscience with regards to, oh my gosh, I'm doing the

00:55:56same thing.

00:55:57I, I assume you're in your thirties and I'm doing the same thing, right?

00:56:05So, what's the most honest thing you can say, what is the most honest thing you can say

00:56:23if I say I stopped participating in a fraudulent pretend relationship because I stopped lying

00:56:31and you feel, oh my gosh, that could be me.

00:56:34Maybe I'm doing that.

00:56:35I feel bad about that.

00:56:35Like, what's the most honest thing you can say?

00:56:43So glad, so glad your channel is growing again.

00:56:46Yes.

00:56:46We'll see.

00:56:47Thank you, Paulina.

00:57:08What's the most honest thing you can say?

00:57:12The most honest thing you can say is,

00:57:14Steph, when you talked about your life, I felt really anxious about my own.

00:57:22Right.

00:57:23That's the most honest thing you can say.

00:57:26As opposed to, well, Steph, your moral culpability regarding vis-a-vis your mother in your thirties

00:57:31and blah, blah, blah, like, what the hell is that?

00:57:34That's an amazing amount of avoidance and misdirection, right?

00:57:37And again, I sympathize with that too.

00:57:39I really do.

00:57:41I sympathize with that too.

00:57:43But you understand that it's false, right?

00:57:51You understand that it's false?

00:57:57That you're not telling the truth about your experience.

00:58:02And I understand you grew up in a situation where you couldn't be direct

00:58:06and you had to avoid being honest.

00:58:10And I get all of that.

00:58:11But I mean, but that's the price, right?

00:58:17I mean, if you still have the abuse of people in your life,

00:58:20you will still have the effects of the abuse in your life, right?

00:58:27If you still have the abuse of people in your life,

00:58:29you will still have the effects of abuse in your life.

00:58:32If you still have a giant log half crushing your leg and the log is not lifted,

00:58:37then you still have the effects on your leg.

00:58:41But you get abstract and kind of weird and a kind of insulting.

00:58:46And like, you can't just be direct and say,

00:58:48oof, that hit me.

00:58:50That hit me hard, man.

00:58:51What you're talking about really hit me hard.

00:58:53And again, I can sympathize with that.

00:58:55I can relate to that.

00:58:55I really can.

00:58:58But that's just direct and honest, right?

00:59:01So the effect of having abusive people in your life is just this kind of bullshit.

00:59:05And it is bullshit.

00:59:07It is bullshit.

00:59:08When I say something that makes you feel anxious about your relationship with your father,

00:59:13because you feel it's fake or counterfeit.

00:59:16So when I say something that triggers your emotions,

00:59:20the honest thing to say is, this is what I feel.

00:59:23I feel anxious about this.

00:59:24I feel anxious about that.

00:59:25As opposed to getting all kinds of weird and distant and,

00:59:28well, Steph, but your moral responsibility 25 years ago is my most fascinating.

00:59:32It's like, you don't care about my moral responsibility 25 years ago.

00:59:37I promise you, you don't care.

00:59:38It's not about me.

00:59:40You don't care.

00:59:42Why would you care about my moral culpability from 1999?

00:59:53Come on.

00:59:54Is that really the big issue in your life?

00:59:56And I know I'm not trying to mock you.

00:59:58I'm really not.

00:59:59But this is just people who have perception see this very clearly.

01:00:03People who are wise, people who have self-knowledge,

01:00:05people who've worked on their shit.

01:00:08We see this very clearly.

01:00:09We see this very, very hard.

01:00:11The big moral question is not my own relationship with my own parents.

01:00:14The big moral question is, Steph,

01:00:16what is your percentage of culpability from last century?

01:00:24Well, last millennia, really.

01:00:28I understand that.

01:00:28Thank you for the feedback.

01:00:29And listen, I know I'm being lighthearted about this,

01:00:32and I don't mean this in a mocking or a negative way.

01:00:33I really don't.

01:00:35But you have to understand, if you want,

01:00:38just how blindingly obvious this is to other people.

01:00:43Thank you, Joe.

01:00:43Thank you, David.

01:00:47You have to understand, right?

01:00:50Just be honest.

01:00:54Just be honest, right?

01:01:01You can't do much in the realm of ethics.

01:01:04Or virtue, or happiness, or love without first being honest.

01:01:09And you felt an oof, right?

01:01:10And I get that.

01:01:11It happens from time to time.

01:01:12Felt an oof, right?

01:01:13I still get an oof sometimes.

01:01:15I see someone who I started their career,

01:01:17and they're out here having big speeches and on TV.

01:01:19And it's like, occasionally, I get a bit of an oof.

01:01:22And it's like, yeah, but you know,

01:01:24I just didn't want to make any of those compromises.

01:01:26So there's tons of people already making those compromises.

01:01:29You know, one person.

01:01:30It's not going to hurt that much, right?

01:01:32Who doesn't, right?

01:01:33So how about I do feel as I have been there?

01:01:43I had my abusive mother in my life until she left.

01:01:46I feel as if I had made excuses,

01:01:48and do feel guilt of not being honest sooner.

01:01:50But I am at peace with her being gone.

01:01:52Peace is good, and it is your insights that brought me here.

01:01:54Thank you.

01:01:57When offended, how much of an obligation do you have to say something?

01:02:00What do you mean by obligation?

01:02:07I mean, if you're in a relationship where you have,

01:02:11if you have a relationship that's based on honesty and directness,

01:02:14then you should be honest and direct, right?

01:02:16If you marry a woman that you're going to tell her the truth,

01:02:20then you owe her the truth.

01:02:22But if it's just some stranger on a bus,

01:02:24you don't have any particular relationship with that person, right?

01:02:27If someone you love needs a kidney and you happen to be a match,

01:02:32probably give him a kidney.

01:02:34But if some stranger on a bus needs a kidney, good luck, right?

01:02:46I appreciate that, Steph.

01:02:47I've struggled with this abstract indirectness since my childhood

01:02:50because of how my parents always sided with the abusers

01:02:52and tried to shut up my directness.

01:02:54Yes.

01:02:54And look, it's not just me.

01:02:56Yes.

01:02:56And look, I sympathize with that.

01:02:58We have to create these mental fog mazes

01:03:00because directness is threatening to our survival.

01:03:05And we say, oh, well, my parents, they wouldn't have killed me.

01:03:08And it's like, maybe not now.

01:03:11But you ever heard of the Aztecs?

01:03:12Kids who question things often got the stone altar and

01:03:17the heartbeat to the child tear drinking God of doom.

01:03:23So yeah, directness is danger.

01:03:26I mean, I did this.

01:03:41I was in the play King Lear when I was in theater school.

01:03:46I played Cornwall.

01:03:48And there's a line that is just bone chillingly fantastic

01:04:03as there are so many bone chillingly fantastic lines in Shakespeare.

01:04:11And it is the exit line in many ways.

01:04:18It's right at the end.

01:04:25The weight of this sad time we must obey.

01:04:30Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

01:04:43The weight of this sad time we must obey.

01:04:48Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

01:04:57Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

01:05:00It's very wise words.

01:05:04You can't know anyone without honesty.

01:05:08If you hide from others, you hide from everything.

01:05:15The idea that we hoard ourselves like we're carrying

01:05:21a candle through a storm.

01:05:23We huddle over and we hoard ourselves.

01:05:28And we pass by like a thief in a store.

01:05:34And we pass by like a thief terrified of searchlights,

01:05:40like we're breaking out of prison and we slither

01:05:42and we take to the sewers and we hide and we misdirect

01:05:45and we laugh when we are sad and we pretend to be sad

01:05:48when we find something funny.

01:05:51And we falsify and camouflage ourself and blend

01:05:55into the prejudices of the unthinking.

01:05:59And we become a ghost long before our death.

01:06:03And we become incorporeal and we become vapor

01:06:08in the foggy blowing prejudices of other people's

01:06:10stupid preferences.

01:06:18If you cannot manifest yourself in words,

01:06:22you're half dead before your time.

01:06:24If you cannot take your mind and make it real in the world,

01:06:34you are already half drowning in the afterlife.

01:06:44To be direct is to summon angels and demons

01:06:49for love and combat.

01:06:51And demons for love and combat.

01:06:59Hey, remember when they said it's really important

01:07:01to have an honest conversation about race?

01:07:02Well, I gave that a good old shot and it summoned

01:07:05both angels and devils.

01:07:10And out of fear of the devils, we give up on the angels.

01:07:14Out of fear of being hated, we give up on our capacity

01:07:18to be loved because we can only love honesty.

01:07:22We can only love honesty.

01:07:25If you say, fuck, I can't speak the truth,

01:07:29I'm gonna get killed.

01:07:30You're already dead.

01:07:34Dead man walking, dead man lying,

01:07:37it's the same fucking thing.

01:07:45To falsify yourself is to pull on a soft coffin

01:07:50for your daily attire.

01:07:53Silence of the self is a eulogy for the life.

01:07:58To hide from the devils is to take refuge from the angel.

01:08:06Hiding from criticism is hiding from love

01:08:12and self-respect and passion.

01:08:20To self-erase in the face of propaganda

01:08:25is to falsify yourself into oblivion

01:08:30and to have a funeral half a century too soon.

01:08:40I mean, really, what do you want to have spoken

01:08:45as your guts are lowered into the ground?

01:08:48What do you want to have spoken?

01:08:49Who do you want to be there?

01:08:51And what do you want to have said?

01:08:53Well, I never really got to know him.

01:08:57He did kind of keep to himself.

01:08:58Seemed like a nice guy, I guess.

01:09:01Never, I never really felt like we connected.

01:09:09He always treated me, I guess, like I was dangerous.

01:09:13Seemed kind of jumpy, nervous.

01:09:15Avoidance.

01:09:18Boy, had a lot of solitary hobbies, I'll tell you that, man.

01:09:22Some of which seemed to result in an excess of carpal tunnel syndrome

01:09:26and arthritis before his time.

01:09:33I do remember occasionally he would say something

01:09:36and I was just like, wow, what a thing to say.

01:09:37Like he would have some insight or some thought

01:09:39and it's like, or sometimes the jokes that would come out of the guy,

01:09:42it's like there was this great treasure you could see, you know, like,

01:09:48if you've ever been like at a rippling river

01:09:52and you think you see something gleaming

01:09:55but the light is dancing on the surface

01:09:56and there's shadows and reflections and you just,

01:09:59it's like, that's what you, I could see this gold occasionally,

01:10:03just the clouds would part and the sunbeams would light something up

01:10:06and then it'd be gone.

01:10:09Gone.

01:10:10Gone.

01:10:12It's actually kind of frustrating to be honest

01:10:15because there's all this great stuff in there

01:10:17that occasionally you'd see this gleam of

01:10:19but you just, every time you went at him directly, he'd go sideways.

01:10:22Every time you'd shake his hand, it dematerialized a little.

01:10:25Every time you'd be direct, he would cease to be.

01:10:33So I didn't,

01:10:35I didn't know enough about the guy to either like him

01:10:40or have a problem with him.

01:10:42I actually would have much preferred to have a problem with him

01:10:45than to just have him around.

01:10:48I mean, you knew he was there because there'd be food gone from the fridge

01:10:53from time to time.

01:10:53You knew he was there because sometimes you'd hear the shower running.

01:10:57You knew he was there because electricity consumption went up

01:11:03when he was home.

01:11:06But he was like there, not there.

01:11:10I mean, I wish him luck in the afterlife,

01:11:12but I think he kind of lived that way like he was already a ghost.

01:11:17And the one thing I got from this person,

01:11:19the one thing I really got from this person is not to live like that.

01:11:23Holy crap.

01:11:25Like that level of fear and self-erasure and

01:11:29the feeling that everyone is about to, boom, punch you in the face.

01:11:35Everyone is about to, boom, betray you, lie about you,

01:11:38fuck you over, steal from you.

01:11:43Like the schoolyard bullies

01:11:46become permanent chained attachments to the personality.

01:11:53Like the school yard bullies become permanent chained attachments

01:11:59to the personality.

01:12:05I would rather have hated him than have him not be there to that extent.

01:12:14Now, I remember sitting once with him and he threw his head back to laugh at something.

01:12:21And he's got these blue eyes and it was a blue sky.

01:12:24And I had this real weird thing, like his eyes were holes that the sky came through.

01:12:34Like two javelins of abuse had passed through his eyes,

01:12:37taken out his brain, and there were just these scarred holes.

01:12:40There was nothing in there.

01:12:42Like I could see the sky through his eyes because there was nothing in his head.

01:12:48Like a joke bowling ball, you pick it up and it's empty.

01:12:55And I don't know why, I genuinely don't know why the world scared him so much.

01:13:00I don't know why he hid so much.

01:13:02I mean, I assume it was to do with his childhood.

01:13:07I asked him a couple of times, but he just made a joke or two and slithered away.

01:13:11And I don't know, did something on his phone, some meme shit.

01:13:16I don't know what he was doing, but it was kind of frustrating.

01:13:21You know, I want people to be there or not be there, but to be

01:13:24kind of there is just like being a damn cloud on everyone else, you know?

01:13:28Because you either spread being there or you spread not being there.

01:13:34And he just kind of, this damn, but like, it wasn't like he just smothered the fire

01:13:41and put it out, it just kind of misted on it and it just kind of sputtered, you know?

01:13:51You know, and I remember every now and then he'd express

01:13:55dissatisfaction with his life, right?

01:13:58And I understand that I would be dissatisfied with that too.

01:14:00But every now and then he would express dissatisfaction with his life.

01:14:03And you know what he'd say to me?

01:14:04He'd say, Jake, man, and I think this happened only once or twice.

01:14:11It was really vivid.

01:14:12It's like, Jake, man, do you know any nice girls?

01:14:20And it broke my heart, man.

01:14:24It really did.

01:14:25It just broke my heart because I never knew what to say to the guy.

01:14:34What am I supposed to say?

01:14:39I know some nice girls, but they're not into corpses.

01:14:46They're not going to try and bring a Ouija board and contact the ghost that you are.

01:14:55They're not necromancers.

01:14:57They're not interested in communing with the absent.

01:15:01They're not interested in speaking into your ear and hearing faint echoes and cobwebs.

01:15:09Because I always felt like he'd be too startled or, or, you know, half of this regret is me.

01:15:19Maybe I should have tried.

01:15:19Maybe I should have, uh.

01:15:21Or, you know, half of this regret is me.

01:15:30Maybe I should have tried.

01:15:31Maybe I should have, uh, given him a chance or, or, or, I don't know, introduce someone.

01:15:48Introduce him to someone.

01:15:51But I don't, I don't know women who, who would put up with that or, or be interested in that.

01:15:55And I always felt like it would be like a real burden on the girl.

01:16:06And I mean, I don't really think about, and I don't want to make this about me.

01:16:11Like I'm just here giving a speech, but I don't really, I don't really think about the meaning of

01:16:15my life, but I look at, I look at this guy and I'm like, he lived for 77 years.

01:16:29Afraid, avoidance, abstract, distant, like a call, you know, like a, a wall.

01:16:40But you couldn't see, couldn't get around, couldn't pierce, always distant, always avoidant,

01:16:50always about to die or in the process of dodging.

01:17:01And now that he's dead and I'm giving his eulogy.

01:17:07And again, I don't want to make it about me.

01:17:11But I will say this.

01:17:19I wish I'd known what had happened.

01:17:25You know, when, when, when people are around you are like a puzzle, you can't pick a lock,

01:17:30you can't open a maze, you can't navigate.

01:17:33They're somewhere on the other side.

01:17:36There's someone on the other side of that maze or somewhere on the other side of that

01:17:40fog or someone on the other side of that impediment.

01:17:46And you want to lure them, you know, it's felt a little bit like I felt like I had to

01:17:49be like super careful around the guy, not startling.

01:17:52It was like feeding a squirrel or something like that.

01:17:54He was just jumpy and avoidant and I, you know,

01:18:06I feel sadness and I also feel despair about all of this because

01:18:13yeah, I know what happened.

01:18:15I know what happened.

01:18:16What happened was I avoided it because I thought he would just get better.

01:18:20And also because he was so jumpy, I didn't want to startle him by asking questions about

01:18:23his childhood or his life.

01:18:25I didn't want to do any of that because I just thought, oh my God, this guy's so jumpy

01:18:28already.

01:18:28If I stop poking around, it's going to be like raw.

01:18:31You know, like, like somebody's got a really bad bruise.

01:18:33You don't push it.

01:18:35And I guess you don't pick at a scab.

01:18:42You're like, it's going to heal over.

01:18:43It's going to be fine.

01:18:53So then why didn't I do it when he wasn't getting better?

01:18:56Why didn't I say anything when he wasn't getting better?

01:18:58Why?

01:19:00Well, I'll tell you why.

01:19:01And this is the lesson to be learned, I suppose.

01:19:05Sorry.

01:19:10The lesson to be learned is just ask people.

01:19:21Because I'll tell you what happened for me.

01:19:22What happened for me was that I avoided it for years because I didn't want to hurt him.

01:19:33And he was so startled already.

01:19:35And frankly, it was occasionally just kind of annoying.

01:19:38I didn't like being treated like I was some kind of dangerous person that he always had

01:19:41to avoid, manage, manipulate.

01:19:44And then what happened was by the time he got into his thirties, yeah, I'm thinking

01:19:49back because a long time ago, it's like over 40 years ago, what happened was

01:20:04it went from being never the right time to too late like that.

01:20:14Do you know what I mean?

01:20:17It's like, I remember when I was in my teens, there was this girl, I still remember her

01:20:22name, Shelly.

01:20:23There was this girl.

01:20:23I just, she was just the right girl for me, but it was never the right time to ask her.

01:20:32And then she got a boyfriend and she kept that boyfriend.

01:20:36So it went from never the right time to too late overnight.

01:20:43And it was the same thing when he got into his thirties.

01:20:48It went from it's never the right time to ask him why he's so nervous to now it's

01:20:53too late to ask why he's nervous.

01:20:57And of course I should have just asked earlier.

01:21:01I mean, I'm not a psychologist.

01:21:02I don't know what I could have done.

01:21:03I could have asked and I'm not trying to excuse myself because again, I don't want

01:21:10to make this about me, but I, I did tread around the edges of this, whatever it was.

01:21:15I asked him a couple of questions here and there, or you seem kind of nervous.

01:21:17It's like, Oh no, I'm just, you know, I've had too much coffee.

01:21:19Like he just, God, drove me crazy.

01:21:22Oh my God.

01:21:23Oh, the sadness.

01:21:24Oh my God.

01:21:25Oh, the sadness.

01:21:26But I mean, the sadness is this frustration and this anger that he just frittered away

01:21:31this great gift of life on useless fears and pointless avoidance.

01:21:35Avoidance of what?

01:21:37No predators, no lions, no asteroids, no war.

01:21:41You just frittered it away.

01:21:46And I can't take ownership for that.

01:21:47Look, I wish I had talked to him more.

01:21:50I wish I had said more.

01:21:51I wish I had done more.

01:21:55But it was still on him.

01:21:56And then after a certain amount of time, like when people have made enough mistakes, like,

01:22:00okay, what was I supposed to say when I was in his forties?

01:22:02Hey man, I've known you, you've been around the family for like 20 years, more.

01:22:10Um, now that it's too late for you to have a family and you've never really had a girlfriend.

01:22:16Hey, let's start unpacking your shit.

01:22:19What was the point of unpacking anything?

01:22:21Cause he never wanted to stay anywhere.

01:22:25Then he just frittered and ghosted and consumed and avoided and, oh God.

01:22:31And over the years, the small talk got fucking, sorry, it's a funeral.

01:22:35My apologies.

01:22:36Over the years, the small talk got microscopic and then it was like, this is weird, passive,

01:22:42aggressive thing.

01:22:43Intrusively, annoyingly nothing burgered.

01:22:51Oh yes.

01:22:52His stamp collecting his model trains that please.

01:22:55Let's talk more about that.

01:22:57It was basically like a F you.

01:23:00You didn't save me.

01:23:01I'm now going to bore you into oblivion.

01:23:03Nothing.

01:23:04Oh, yes.

01:23:05His stamp collecting his model trains that please.

01:23:08Let's talk more about that.

01:23:09It was basically like a F you.

01:23:12Into oblivion, into the kind of oblivion that I am.

01:23:20And his parents are long gone and we can't get answers from them.

01:23:23And his, I can't answer.

01:23:29His answers are food for worms.

01:23:42And I didn't tell anyone this.

01:24:04And it is like this little, I think there's a little red balloon coming out of the grave,

01:24:09right?

01:24:09Like, live.

01:24:13You know, when I was in the, I was in the hallway with the doctor and it turns out,

01:24:23I think Gladys had left, she'd taken, you know, those little slippers she used to wear

01:24:28at the hospital because her feet hurt and she'd propped the door open a little bit.

01:24:32And I was talking to the doctor and the doctor said, he's not going to make it through the

01:24:39night.

01:24:41You remember?

01:24:42It was that terrible wasting disease.

01:24:46Like his whole life is a wasting disease.

01:24:48I'm, again, I'm sorry.

01:24:49I'm just, the one thing I've learned is to be direct from this guy not ever being direct.

01:24:56Anyway, the doctor says he's not going to make it through the night.

01:25:04And he said,

01:25:08and it was a whisper.

01:25:09It wasn't designed for consumption.

01:25:11He didn't know the door was propped open.

01:25:13I guess he heard the doctor.

01:25:14Doctor says you're not going to make it through the night.

01:25:19And he said, good, good.

01:25:29The torturous avoidance play is over.

01:25:33That death means not having to lie anymore.

01:25:39Lie in the bed and lie about everything.

01:25:43To not have to talk about regrets.

01:25:44To not have to talk about all the missed opportunities and the missed relationships

01:25:48and the missed family and the missed career and the missed challenge and the missed danger

01:25:52and the missed adventure.

01:25:55Good.

01:25:58I die so I don't have to lie anymore.

01:26:10I can't take, this is what I got from him in the hospital.

01:26:17I can't take another day of smiling while I'm crying.

01:26:24I can't take

01:26:30another day of avoiding life, at least when I'm dead.

01:26:36The exhausting business of avoiding people.

01:26:39Will die with me and thank God it does.

01:26:47I can't imagine what it's like to live a life in a cage surrounded by predators.

01:26:56Because that's what it seemed like.

01:26:57He's jumpy all the time, avoidant all the time, absent all the time.

01:27:02I'm free of fear because life is terrifying.

01:27:11It's like that line from the Sam Cooke song.

01:27:14It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die.

01:27:16Well, he was no longer afraid to die.

01:27:17I mean, I know he welcomed it.

01:27:20He welcomed it.

01:27:21And I thought maybe there'd be some, you know, when he was dying, there'd be some crack, some

01:27:26nothing.

01:27:27There wasn't a person in there anymore who could tell the truth at all.

01:27:33And therefore, when you can't tell the truth,

01:27:37life is just an endless interrogation of falsification.

01:27:40It's exhausting.

01:27:41It's through the truth that we connect and through our connections, we recharge.

01:27:50He was never afraid to die.

01:27:52He was never afraid to die.

01:27:53He was never loved.

01:28:01He was never hated.

01:28:04He could be a little funny, mildly annoying.

01:28:13And he was frightened of people, so they, we, we, me, avoided him.

01:28:19He was an energy drain.

01:28:24Until he wasn't.

01:28:26And I just know if there's a hell for this guy, it's limbo.

01:28:32If there's a hell for this guy, it's limbo.

01:28:35It's nothing.

01:28:35It's vague.

01:28:36It's absent.

01:28:37It's boring, empty feeling, nothingness.

01:28:47And if there's a hell for him, it's going to be an eternity of how he lived or failed to live.

01:28:53And he's beyond salvation, but we can learn from his disgrace to life.

01:29:08Just a possible, what are you going to, what are people going to say?

01:29:15What are people going to say?

01:29:16I don't know.

01:29:17What do you want them to say?

01:29:18If you can't, if you can't live with people coming to your funeral and saying,

01:29:31I fucking hated that guy, you can't live.

01:29:37When I die, there will be cheers and tears.

01:29:41Do you follow?

01:29:42When I die, there will be people dancing in the streets

01:29:47and people weeping on the edge of their beds.

01:29:51People I've never met.

01:29:54You understand, they're the same thing.

01:29:59They're exactly the same thing.

01:30:04If you can't tolerate being hated, you will never be loved.

01:30:07And I'm not talking about the future when the world is a better place, but right now.

01:30:12If you cannot tolerate it being despised, you cannot be prized.

01:30:28I want a life where people sneak in at night to piss on my grave.

01:30:46Good, good, good.

01:30:48I'm glad to be hated because that is the furnace you need to pass through in order to be loved.

01:31:03Hatred is a guide on the road to love.

01:31:11If you want to be loved by good people,

01:31:15you're going to have to accept being hated by bad people.

01:31:18And if you turn down the wick of your life to the point

01:31:25where evil people can't see you, then good people can't even find you.

01:31:32Blaze back so that you're visible from space.

01:31:40And then you can be found.

01:31:44I mean, I hope I've lived a reasonable example of

01:31:48tolerating hatred for the sake of virtue.

01:31:57If you're too frightened to be hated, you're too fearful to be loved.

01:32:00Then you're already saying virtue has lost, and all we have is bare, pointless survival.

01:32:19All right, any other last questions or comments?

01:32:24Love me or hate me, just don't ignore me, says someone.

01:32:27I don't feel that.

01:32:29I don't want people to just pay attention to me.

01:32:31I mean, other than being a good glazier who creates a great window so people can see the

01:32:40view of philosophy.

01:32:41I don't want people to look at the glass.

01:32:42I want people to look at the view beyond the glass.

01:32:44I don't want people to care about me.

01:32:45I want people to care about philosophy.

01:32:48Because that's the purpose of a philosopher, is to influence people.

01:32:58To introduce people to philosophy.

01:32:59And if I distract people from philosophy by having them focus on me, then I'm like a

01:33:04glassmaker who wants people to look at the glass, not the view.

01:33:21All right.

01:33:29Yes, I mean, I assume it's somewhat interesting for you to see my fiction-created brain on

01:33:38display, as well as my logical-rational brain from time to time as well.

01:33:43Freedomain.com slash donate if you would like to help out the show.

01:33:47Last two shows have been a low donation.

01:33:51Not particular concern, but it would be helpful if you're listening to this later and you

01:33:56find it important and powerful what it is that I'm doing.

01:33:59And come on, be fair, right?

01:34:02You know that this is the most amazing content around.

01:34:04It is.

01:34:05Be honest.

01:34:06Be frank.

01:34:07It's the most amazing and inspiring content around, and that's partly me and partly you,

01:34:12the audience.

01:34:15Freedomain.com slash donate.

01:34:16You can join the community at freedomain.locals.com or subscribestar.com forward slash freedomain.

01:34:22And I'll be releasing the shortened version of the Peaceful Parenting book in sections

01:34:30for donors, so I hope you will check that out.

01:34:33And I'll probably do the audiobook as well, but it's a bit of a brutal slog.

01:34:38I'm done with the text, but I have to make sure that it's accurate to what came.

01:34:46That was great, Steph.

01:34:47A good Father's Day speech.

01:34:48I'm not sure who you were talking about.

01:34:51It was just fiction.

01:34:52But I believe the individual is sadly in awe from time to time thanks to the reminder to

01:34:55live life and be free.

01:34:57It is the most amazing content around, which is why this is the only place I'm a paid subscriber

01:35:00at.

01:35:01Thank you.

01:35:03Steph, as I spoke to you on Skype Friday night, this is such an incredible show.

01:35:06This discussion is another fine example of the tremendous value and insight that you

01:35:09offer to us.

01:35:10I will listen to this again and contemplate further.

01:35:11Thank you again for the incredible work.

01:35:13I did donate Friday.

01:35:14Thank you.

01:35:15You were inspiring to me.

01:35:16You helped me to be a better person.

01:35:17Great speech.

01:35:18That was fire.

01:35:19Thank you, Steph.

01:35:20I appreciate that.

01:35:21It's nice to bring out the old creative brain from time to time.

01:35:25All right.

01:35:25Have yourselves a wonderful Father's Day.

01:35:27Lots of love from up here, my friends.

01:35:30I will talk to you soon.

01:35:31Bye.

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