Finding Love Again-SD
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00 Beautiful, beautiful, unbelievable!
00:00:05 Come on!
00:00:07 Is that the alternator?
00:00:08 Okay, where is this place?
00:00:10 It's busy.
00:00:12 Where is she? Where are you?
00:00:14 Oh, come on.
00:00:15 I know it's gonna be here. I know.
00:00:17 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
00:00:19 Oh my God, I put money into you all the time.
00:00:22 It's not the distributor.
00:00:23 You're late.
00:00:25 Seventeenth time.
00:00:26 You said five minutes, that was twenty minutes ago.
00:00:29 Come on!
00:00:30 I wrote it on the table, put it in my purse.
00:00:33 Unbooked sorority girls from Fresno, I love it.
00:00:36 This is exactly what I needed.
00:00:37 If that is just about perfect bank, I'm sick of this.
00:00:40 It's an old damn car.
00:00:42 Let me wait again.
00:00:43 What am I thinking of?
00:00:45 Get caught waiting, dude. Come on!
00:00:48 You do this to me all the time.
00:00:50 She does this to me all the time.
00:00:52 I hate you.
00:00:53 Walked out the door, got in my car, and it's...
00:00:57 Oh, I forgot those goddamn papers.
00:01:00 Fuck.
00:01:02 I always forget something. Goddamn it.
00:01:06 [♪♪♪]
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00:02:15 I met this woman once, and her sight was failing.
00:02:31 Not in her eyes, but it was in her mind.
00:02:35 You know, for some people, the eyes fail, the light's dim, they go blind.
00:02:41 For her, her spirit was failing, her world going dim, her heart going blind.
00:02:49 And as it progressed, I'd see her.
00:02:52 She saw the darkness beginning to encroach.
00:02:54 She'd talk about it, where it was.
00:02:57 "There!" she'd say.
00:02:59 "The darkness has taken over my lover, who no longer wants me.
00:03:04 "And here, the darkness is covering my heart with the sadness of this separation."
00:03:12 And it grew around her, covering larger and larger areas of her life
00:03:18 until it covered almost her whole field of view.
00:03:22 And finally, she-- her whole existence--
00:03:26 her whole existence was in this deep, black darkness.
00:03:33 And she came to me, and she came to me that day, and she said to me,
00:03:37 "George, the whole world is as black as my bitter heart,
00:03:42 "all except for one last speck, one last spot.
00:03:47 "And in that one last spot, George, I see a dim glimmer of light.
00:03:53 "It's the only light I see."
00:03:56 And it took all this darkness and all this blackness for me to see this light.
00:04:02 But then, she moved towards it and into it,
00:04:10 and she became blanketed by light.
00:04:14 And then she wore it like a queen's robe.
00:04:18 She wore this light, and she'd throw it around you, covering you in her robe of light.
00:04:24 And it was a good thing, her darkness, in the end.
00:04:29 "In darkness," she said to me, "compassion is born."
00:04:34 What?
00:04:35 Oh, sorry, I wasn't talking to you. I was just talking to me.
00:04:38 I just have a word problem. I just got all these thoughts.
00:04:41 They just keep coming at me. I just can't stop them.
00:04:43 I can't stem the flow. It's like a river, like a river without a dam.
00:04:46 I just say what's on my mind, that's all.
00:04:48 Just say what's on your mind!
00:04:50 That's what they told me.
00:04:52 Speak up! I can't hear you!
00:04:56 Oh, I'll say what's on my mind.
00:05:00 But some people, they got thoughts that's just all locked up in there.
00:05:05 They can't let them out. Afraid they're gonna bite you!
00:05:12 Yeah, but you got thoughts you don't even want to think about, much less talk about.
00:05:17 Like that time you hurt somebody, and you wanted to.
00:05:21 You hurt them real bad, and it felt good at the time, didn't it?
00:05:24 It felt real good, but maybe now it don't feel so good no more, huh?
00:05:28 I hurt somebody.
00:05:31 I hurt them real bad.
00:05:35 That's me.
00:05:38 People tell you somebody hurt them and they went crazy?
00:05:42 No, I'm telling you, you hurt somebody, and you go just as crazy.
00:05:50 He can't be too cautious.
00:05:53 That's why he wears them gloves all the time.
00:05:57 Little germs and diseases on everything.
00:06:01 I got some on my shoe right now.
00:06:05 Crawling around, mutating, cohabitating, breeding, so they can crawl on to other places and infest it.
00:06:13 Some of those diseases, they're bad. Yeah, they get on your skin.
00:06:18 They make your skin fall right off.
00:06:22 But some of them, some of them get in your brain.
00:06:26 Oh, and those are the kind that gloves won't help. No.
00:06:30 Condoms won't help either.
00:06:33 No, those brain diseases, those worms, those germs, those germs,
00:06:40 those brain diseases, those word diseases, they get stuck on stuff too,
00:06:47 but not on your shoes or toilet seats or nothing like that.
00:06:51 No, they get stuck to your words first.
00:06:55 Or maybe they get stuck to the words you hear first,
00:06:59 and then they make their way back inside your mind.
00:07:02 And then they go straight down into your soul,
00:07:05 and they make your soul sick and diseased, rotten.
00:07:10 And they're powerful, as powerful as any disease known to mankind, maybe more powerful,
00:07:15 because these word diseases, these brain diseases, they're more contagious than the strongest virus.
00:07:21 And you don't need to breathe the air. Somebody else is breathing to catch them either.
00:07:26 No, you only need to listen to what they say.
00:07:31 And they can kill millions.
00:07:34 They can infest millions at a time.
00:07:38 I got one!
00:07:45 I got one! I must have one!
00:07:48 I must have one.
00:07:50 I must have one.
00:07:55 [Music]
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00:10:10 Like my fear of failure.
00:10:13 Logic dictates that I'm a failure, complete loser.
00:10:18 I mean, how do I not feel like I've failed?
00:10:20 I've had so many more failures in my life than I've had successes.
00:10:24 Big failures, too.
00:10:26 The things that I've tried the hardest at seem to be the things that failed the worst.
00:10:31 And the failures just seem to keep on mounting. More and more of them every day.
00:10:35 Maybe I am a failure.
00:10:38 A failed person, bad human, worthless specimen.
00:10:42 Nah, I think the real thing is, it's not the failure, it's not the fear.
00:10:49 It's just me making an excuse for self-pity.
00:10:57 [Music]
00:11:23 [Music]
00:11:26 Hey! What are you doing over there?
00:11:30 Just eating a bagel. And how are you this fine morning, ma'am?
00:11:34 Well, go eat your bagel someplace else. And stay out of our garbage!
00:11:40 I'm just trying to get something to eat.
00:11:43 Go dig around in your own garbage. This garbage is ours.
00:11:47 [Music]
00:11:51 [Music]
00:12:18 [Music]
00:12:21 I wonder why that woman left me a bagel.
00:12:39 She did leave me a bagel, didn't she?
00:12:42 Does she like me?
00:12:44 Could anybody ever love me again?
00:12:47 Oh boy, that's the thought that just really terrifies me.
00:12:50 The thought of being unloved. The thought of being uncared for.
00:12:55 It's like I'm just a spirit here on this planet, trapped in this body.
00:13:00 And I know how to do things, like make money and dress nicely, be charming.
00:13:08 And I know these things would draw other people to me.
00:13:12 And they might even love me again.
00:13:14 But somewhere in some rancid part of myself, I wonder if they love the true me, or just the appearance of me.
00:13:21 My money, my clothes, my charm, my jokes.
00:13:27 [Laughter]
00:13:30 So I stripped it all away, I guess.
00:13:34 Hoping that somebody would see the true me and love it.
00:13:42 So I guess that's why I talk so much.
00:13:44 And maybe that's why some people let themselves get out of shape, or keep themselves unkempt, or smell bad.
00:13:52 Just their soul crying out for recognition.
00:13:55 They want people to see the true self on the inside.
00:14:00 That's why really rich or beautiful, famous people, they have so much problems in their lives.
00:14:07 Because they attract people that nurture their surface structure, and not their soul.
00:14:11 'Cause the soul's a very difficult thing to express.
00:14:13 It's scary, too.
00:14:15 It's scary 'cause it might be rejected.
00:14:18 It's difficult 'cause even I don't know what my soul is.
00:14:21 I mean, it's always in motion.
00:14:23 It's--it's moving this way, and that way,
00:14:27 and this way, and that way,
00:14:30 and this way, and that way,
00:14:33 and this way, and that way.
00:14:36 [whistling]
00:14:39 [whistling]
00:14:42 [sighs]
00:14:44 I used to be in a very different place.
00:14:46 - Are you tired of your old car?
00:14:48 Of course you are.
00:14:49 Now, would you rather have a new car or an old car?
00:14:52 Of course you'd rather have a new car.
00:14:54 What if I was to tell you
00:14:56 that you could have a brand-new Maschuda Scouter
00:14:59 for the same payments as a two-year-old trail boss?
00:15:03 You'd take the new car, right?
00:15:05 That's what I did. Bought one for my family.
00:15:07 We'd love it. It is a beautiful car.
00:15:08 You're gonna love this car.
00:15:10 [music playing]
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00:16:42 What is love? What is love?
00:16:44 What is love?
00:16:46 Hey.
00:16:48 Hey, what is love?
00:16:51 I don't know what love is,
00:16:53 but I know where it is.
00:16:55 It's right here in my heart.
00:16:58 In my heart!
00:17:00 [laughs]
00:17:02 I thought...
00:17:04 [laughs]
00:17:06 [laughs]
00:17:08 I wonder where the first time love came from, anyway.
00:17:11 You know, the first time something or somebody
00:17:14 actually felt love,
00:17:17 it was probably two great apes.
00:17:19 Two great apes who were just fucking wildly in the jungle,
00:17:22 just fucking their brains out.
00:17:24 And suddenly this feeling like a fiery waterfall
00:17:27 comes rushing over them.
00:17:29 And they get this look,
00:17:31 and one of them looks into the other one's eyes,
00:17:34 and the other one looks back.
00:17:37 And they slow down for a minute
00:17:39 because they realize they don't have to do this
00:17:41 just to procreate anymore.
00:17:43 And they get this feeling.
00:17:45 They start feeling something.
00:17:47 Something coming from the generation of life itself
00:17:50 is overwhelming them.
00:17:52 And they take this raw material into themselves
00:17:56 and they start making something.
00:18:00 They start making love.
00:18:03 Yeah.
00:18:05 That's where love first came from.
00:18:08 And it's probably where language first came from as well.
00:18:11 Because one of those big apes, probably the woman,
00:18:15 looked into the other one's eyes
00:18:18 and uttered the first word, "Luke."
00:18:23 Which meant, "I love you."
00:18:27 [music]
00:18:41 To let myself love again?
00:18:43 Jesus! I don't know.
00:18:46 I'm afraid I might get hurt again by love.
00:18:49 For good reason.
00:18:51 But if I let that fear win,
00:18:54 God, if I let that fear win
00:18:56 and sever the slim hope that I have
00:18:58 for really deep, true, meaningful love,
00:19:01 if I sever that cord and go the route of the tough guy,
00:19:04 unaffected by his emotions,
00:19:06 or the sad guy, destroyed by his emotions,
00:19:10 either way, either way, I'll be cutting myself off
00:19:14 from the purpose and the reason why I'm here.
00:19:17 I don't know.
00:19:20 I don't know if I can ever let go of the love that I had.
00:19:23 I mean, I tried, but it just keeps coming back,
00:19:27 which is good, I think.
00:19:29 What the--?
00:19:31 [music]
00:19:47 I mean, I just--
00:19:50 I just hurt her so bad.
00:19:54 Oh, but maybe--
00:19:57 maybe I can let go of him.
00:20:00 Just a little bit at a time.
00:20:04 Just piece by piece.
00:20:07 [breathing]
00:20:09 I mean, maybe for a moment,
00:20:12 just--just one moment,
00:20:16 let go of every last bit of it,
00:20:19 just so I can see how it's gonna be.
00:20:23 [sobbing]
00:20:25 It's so--
00:20:28 [music]
00:20:38 [music]
00:20:40 [music]
00:21:09 Well, hello there, Mr. Dumpster.
00:21:12 Oh, sorry, Ms. Dumpster.
00:21:15 How could I have been so false?
00:21:17 But I must say, you are looking ravishing today.
00:21:20 Why, if I was a trash can, I'd love nothing more than to fill you up.
00:21:24 But I hear you're not feeling so good today.
00:21:27 I understand they got you with some graffiti.
00:21:29 It's not very nice graffiti, either, is it?
00:21:32 You wish they could have done something a little more colorful, you know?
00:21:35 I mean, there's just no account for taste these days.
00:21:38 Hmm?
00:21:39 Well, maybe they didn't have anything nicer to say.
00:21:42 But I got something for you to help you brighten your day.
00:21:46 There you go.
00:21:48 It's from Mr. Dumpster down the street.
00:21:51 Yeah, I think he's got a crush on you.
00:21:55 Well, you have a good day.
00:21:58 Huh?
00:21:59 Oh, you're very welcome.
00:22:00 And thank you for that pizza yesterday.
00:22:02 It was fantastic.
00:22:04 I must say, the bouquet of the tomato sauce was...
00:22:06 [kissing]
00:22:07 ...superbe, the ambiance was wonderful.
00:22:10 I'd give you four and a half stars.
00:22:13 What?
00:22:15 Oh, you got something for me in here?
00:22:18 Let me take a look.
00:22:22 Oh.
00:22:24 [choir singing]
00:22:29 Now, do you want to take a chance on buying a used car that might be a lemon?
00:22:33 Of course you don't.
00:22:35 Do you want to take a chance on buying a car that's got a bad reliability rating?
00:22:39 No, no, no, no, no.
00:22:41 Now, I guess you've heard some of the negative publicity about the, uh, Maschuta Scouters.
00:22:46 It's just a bunch of hogwash that's been generated by our competitors.
00:22:50 Now, I bought one of these cars, and they're great cars.
00:22:52 And don't worry about the safety on these things.
00:22:55 I can verify it for it myself.
00:22:57 I've driven these things all over the place, and they're great cars.
00:23:00 I think you should consider buying one.
00:23:02 [music ends]
00:23:05 Is she the one? The woman with the bagel?
00:23:10 Yes!
00:23:12 Yes!
00:23:14 [music]
00:23:17 [chatter]
00:23:20 [music]
00:23:23 [chatter]
00:23:26 [music]
00:23:29 [chatter]
00:23:32 [music]
00:23:44 You got something for me in here?
00:23:47 I can feel it.
00:23:49 [music]
00:23:53 What have we here?
00:23:55 [music]
00:23:58 Ah, cool!
00:24:03 What's...
00:24:05 Oh, these are nice!
00:24:09 My size!
00:24:12 Thank you.
00:24:14 Thank you.
00:24:18 [sigh]
00:24:20 [music]
00:24:27 Thank you, Jambo.
00:24:29 God of the dumpsters!
00:24:31 The one who puts all good things in dumpsters.
00:24:34 The God of garbage. The garbage God.
00:24:36 The way, the truth, the light, the filth.
00:24:41 Oh, we find your altars in every city.
00:24:44 Churches in every alley.
00:24:47 People sacrificing to you consistently,
00:24:49 and you give back so profusely, so unselfishly.
00:24:53 Thank you for these many gifts, my friendly God.
00:24:58 You great smelly one.
00:25:01 You are the one who provides for the homeless.
00:25:04 You have truly saved my life!
00:25:08 For without you, I would have died from a hunger and cold long ago.
00:25:14 I bow down to you, Jambo.
00:25:16 Thank you.
00:25:20 [music]
00:25:47 Oh, hi Mrs. Dorr. Uh, the flowers?
00:25:50 No, no, uh, they're not for you.
00:25:52 I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
00:25:57 Okay, great, thanks.
00:26:01 Thanks a lot.
00:26:07 [music]
00:26:37 [music]
00:26:39 No, no, no!
00:26:44 Just do what I say!
00:26:47 Just do what I say! Jesus!
00:26:52 Hey babe.
00:26:53 Thanks for the flowers, that was really sweet.
00:26:55 I didn't send you any flowers.
00:26:58 Really?
00:27:00 Who sent you these flowers?
00:27:02 I don't know.
00:27:04 Did you fuck somebody and they sent you flowers?
00:27:06 What are you talking about?
00:27:08 Well usually if you fuck somebody they send you flowers.
00:27:11 Is that what you did? You fuck somebody and they sent you flowers?
00:27:14 You never sent me flowers when we first had sex.
00:27:18 Don't change the goddamn subject.
00:27:20 Did you fuck somebody for these flowers or what?
00:27:22 No! And stop saying fuck so much!
00:27:25 Why? Does it make you feel guilty?
00:27:27 No. It makes me feel like asking you to leave.
00:27:30 Oh, so now you're leaving me because you fucked somebody.
00:27:34 Look, I'm not leaving you. I'm just asking you to leave.
00:27:39 But Joanne, I don't care if you fuck this guy.
00:27:43 We don't have to break up.
00:27:45 I think you'd better go.
00:27:47 For good?
00:27:49 Yeah, I guess so.
00:27:52 But Joanne, I love you.
00:27:56 I don't care if you fuck this guy.
00:27:59 Goodbye, Scott.
00:28:02 You know, that's just like a woman.
00:28:10 Find somebody else to fuck and dump the guy that really loves you.
00:28:14 I remember old Calvin.
00:28:20 Poor bastard, he ran into me just after the accident.
00:28:24 He was just another street person.
00:28:27 I was still a member of society.
00:28:31 He was crying.
00:28:35 And he was coveting this small vial.
00:28:40 I was drunk.
00:28:42 I wanted to just stay drunk and get drunker and just stay that way.
00:28:47 But as he was crying, I said, "Hey, Calvin.
00:28:53 Why don't you and me just go out to the best bar in town and we'll just cry all night together?"
00:28:58 And he looked at me and he says,
00:29:02 "No one's gonna cry with you, mister.
00:29:07 You're doomed to do all your crying alone."
00:29:10 Woo-hoo! Man, that shook me up a little bit.
00:29:14 I don't know.
00:29:18 So I asked for a swig off his vial.
00:29:22 And he showed it to me. It wasn't alcohol at all.
00:29:25 It was his tears in this vial.
00:29:28 He was collecting his tears.
00:29:31 He would hold it up to his eye and his tears would roll into it.
00:29:35 I asked him what had happened to him and he told me about his wife leaving him.
00:29:46 He just lost it. I mean, he was bitter.
00:29:51 So I took him back to his place and I looked around.
00:29:54 There was no decorations on the walls or anything.
00:29:56 There was just all these notebooks lined up on the shelves.
00:29:59 They're filled with just the saddest poetry you ever saw.
00:30:02 I mean, it was pathetic.
00:30:05 And then, on the window seal,
00:30:10 there was these small little blue vials lined up.
00:30:15 He had been collecting his tears in these vials.
00:30:21 It must have been over a gallon of stuff.
00:30:24 He told me, he said,
00:30:27 "I'm going to send these to her when I die so she can see all the pain and suffering I've been through."
00:30:32 I said, "Send all your pain and suffering to the woman you love?"
00:30:38 I said, "Mister, I don't think that's right. I don't think that's love."
00:30:43 And I thought about it and I thought,
00:30:46 "That's what I've been doing with my drinking."
00:30:49 Just showing the world how much pain and suffering I have.
00:30:53 Right then and there, I said, "No more drinking."
00:30:58 Then I started ducking.
00:31:01 And I haven't shut up since.
00:31:04 Now I wish I could just shut up, but my mind won't let me.
00:31:08 It has no gate on it, no spigot, no valve.
00:31:11 I'm so tired of hearing you talk!
00:31:14 Just leave me alone! Just shut up!
00:31:18 Just shut up!
00:31:20 You keep doing the same things over and over again and you don't stop!
00:31:25 It's like a brain skipping, a CD skipping, a computer skipping, a rock skipping on the water!
00:31:32 Just leave me alone! Just stop!
00:31:35 Just stop!
00:31:39 [Crying]
00:31:41 [Horn honks]
00:31:51 [Music]
00:31:57 So what's going on?
00:31:59 I broke up with Scott.
00:32:01 Shocking.
00:32:02 You never did like him.
00:32:04 It's not that I didn't like him.
00:32:07 I just thought he was a scumbag, dick-like loser, chauvinistic, unprincipled, uncaring, total sleazeball cheeseball.
00:32:15 That's all.
00:32:16 Look, I just can't stand it anymore.
00:32:19 I mean, why do I always end up with the Scott-like thing?
00:32:22 I try and be careful and pick someone that'll be good to me.
00:32:25 No you don't.
00:32:26 You always end up with the hottest, coolest, richest showpieces in town without fail.
00:32:31 And somehow you expect these guys to be different on the inside than they are on the outside.
00:32:36 And they're not. Big surprise.
00:32:39 No, I don't.
00:32:40 Yes, you do. To you, a man is the ultimate fashion accessory.
00:32:44 Sorry.
00:32:46 Well, what are you looking for?
00:32:49 I don't know.
00:32:50 Well, what attracted you to Scott?
00:32:52 I thought he was different.
00:32:55 Different how?
00:32:57 Okay, I thought he was cute.
00:33:01 There you go.
00:33:02 Well, how am I supposed to go out with a guy I don't think is cute?
00:33:05 I don't know. I couldn't do it.
00:33:07 I mean, good-looking guys are assholes.
00:33:11 And ugly guys are nice.
00:33:13 They'd have to be or else they'd never get laid.
00:33:15 Oh, right.
00:33:16 So you wind up hanging out with some nice ugly guy having a great time.
00:33:20 Until some good-looking asshole comes by and tricks you into thinking he's nice.
00:33:24 So you break up with the ugly guy and break his heart.
00:33:27 And then the good-looking asshole dumps you and your whole life's a mess.
00:33:31 That's not true.
00:33:32 Ugly guys can be just as much trouble as good-looking guys.
00:33:36 So I figure, why not have someone good-looking treating you like shit?
00:33:41 So you want someone who will treat you like shit?
00:33:44 No, of course not.
00:33:46 I just want...
00:33:48 I want someone who, when I lie down at night, I can feel his soul wrap around me.
00:33:56 Oh, is that all?
00:33:58 Love, romance, mystery, beauty, joy, kids, wild sex, passion.
00:34:02 Look, I want someone that won't run away when I show them the ugly parts of myself.
00:34:07 The black parts that even I don't like.
00:34:09 But they're a part of me.
00:34:11 Like some sort of dark brooding James Dean kind of character?
00:34:15 No, because I want them to love the other side of myself too.
00:34:19 I want them to be able to go anywhere with me.
00:34:22 To all the twisted, dark, scary places inside.
00:34:26 And to all the loving, kind, caring places.
00:34:29 Maybe you're really complex and most guys just aren't.
00:34:33 I think everybody's complex inside.
00:34:36 I think some people are just better at covering it up.
00:34:40 Oh, really?
00:34:42 Yeah, I mean, aren't we the most vulnerable when we try and show our true emotions to each other?
00:34:47 Isn't that, like, the scariest thing in the world to do?
00:34:51 I think it's just easier to live without thinking about these things.
00:34:56 I'm doomed. I'm doomed to being alone.
00:35:01 I don't want to pretend I don't have these things inside me for the rest of my life.
00:35:05 God, you're not doomed.
00:35:07 You don't have to pretend you don't have these things inside of you.
00:35:10 Just don't get hung up on them. That's all.
00:35:13 Well, that's the same thing.
00:35:15 No, it isn't.
00:35:17 I want the fairy tale.
00:35:20 Oh, my God.
00:35:22 Not only are you doomed, but you're going to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity
00:35:26 just for uttering those pathetic words.
00:35:30 [chanting]
00:35:33 [chanting]
00:35:36 [chanting]
00:35:38 [chanting]
00:35:49 [chanting]
00:35:55 [chanting]
00:35:57 [chanting]
00:36:04 [chanting]
00:36:19 [chanting]
00:36:22 [chanting]
00:36:24 [chanting]
00:36:53 I got some flowers.
00:36:55 From who?
00:36:56 I don't know.
00:36:57 Ooh, secret admirer.
00:36:59 How mysterious.
00:37:01 And cowardly.
00:37:03 You are doomed. And you want to know why?
00:37:05 Because these kinds of things never work out.
00:37:07 It always ends up being the most horrible geek that ever existed.
00:37:11 And they sent a poem.
00:37:13 A poet? A romantic super geek?
00:37:16 Sounds like you two are made for each other.
00:37:19 What's it say?
00:37:21 Okay.
00:37:23 It says, "The lips of the wind kisses us and sighs.
00:37:31 Angels pray to dandelions, small seeds with soft wings."
00:37:37 Wow. Yates?
00:37:40 Yeah. And the weird thing is, I've been reading Yates lately.
00:37:44 I figure it must mean something.
00:37:47 I wonder who it is.
00:37:50 I think it's Bob at the bank.
00:37:52 Joanna, Bob got married last month in Hawaii.
00:37:55 To his boyfriend.
00:37:57 Oh. Well...
00:37:59 Oh, it's got to be Frank at the coffee shop.
00:38:02 Frank's going out with Alvin the hairdresser.
00:38:05 What about Mike?
00:38:07 Jouster.
00:38:08 Are all the good-looking guys in this town gay?
00:38:11 Yep.
00:38:13 Well, who could it possibly be?
00:38:18 Some geek.
00:38:20 I don't think so.
00:38:22 Well, who?
00:38:25 You got me, girl. I didn't think anybody liked you.
00:38:29 Oh, thanks a lot.
00:38:31 Give me a break. You know as well as I do, half this town's got a crush on you.
00:38:35 It could be anybody.
00:38:37 Right.
00:38:39 It is some geek.
00:38:41 See if you can find out who the florist is.
00:38:44 Oh! What about Brian Palmer?
00:38:48 Brian the mechanic?
00:38:50 Yeah! Whenever I see him, he always asks me about you.
00:38:54 But he's kind of gross.
00:38:57 Hey, beggars can't be choosers.
00:38:59 Besides, we already know that it'll be the biggest geek in the world.
00:39:04 Right. Well, look. See if you can find out for me.
00:39:07 Absolutely. I'll call you.
00:39:09 Okay.
00:39:10 Oh, and, uh, Joanna.
00:39:13 Maybe it's me.
00:39:15 Oh, it has to be you.
00:39:17 Why?
00:39:18 Because you said it would be the biggest geek in the world.
00:39:23 [♪♪♪]
00:39:26 [♪♪♪]
00:39:29 [♪♪♪]
00:39:33 [♪♪♪]
00:39:36 [♪♪♪]
00:39:39 [♪♪♪]
00:39:42 [♪♪♪]
00:39:45 [♪♪♪]
00:39:49 [♪♪♪]
00:39:52 [♪♪♪]
00:39:56 [♪♪♪]
00:40:00 [♪♪♪]
00:40:04 [♪♪♪]
00:40:08 [♪♪♪]
00:40:12 [♪♪♪]
00:40:17 [♪♪♪]
00:40:20 [♪♪♪]
00:40:24 [♪♪♪]
00:40:28 [♪♪♪]
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00:40:45 [♪♪♪]
00:40:48 [♪♪♪]
00:40:53 [♪♪♪]
00:40:58 [♪♪♪]
00:41:03 Good morning, couch.
00:41:12 Good morning, bagel.
00:41:14 Good morning, bagel.
00:41:17 Another bagel left by the angel?
00:41:21 An angel bagel.
00:41:23 What do you mean?
00:41:25 What are you trying to tell me?
00:41:27 Are you trying to tell me that she loves me?
00:41:31 Oh, don't jump to conclusions, George.
00:41:34 Maybe she didn't leave it.
00:41:36 Maybe she did.
00:41:38 Maybe she loves me.
00:41:40 Maybe she just feels sorry for me.
00:41:44 Where is it?
00:41:48 If I beg, cower, and crawl, will I find my eight ball?
00:41:54 Does she love me?
00:42:01 Oh, what a beautiful morning.
00:42:05 What am I here for?
00:42:09 What is my purpose, if not to love?
00:42:13 If I'm not loving, am I having any purpose at all?
00:42:20 Each moment spent in anger is one lost to the dark gods.
00:42:24 It's homage to that which I do not want to be.
00:42:28 This is not a thought.
00:42:30 This is not speech.
00:42:32 This is an exorcism for the demons in my soul.
00:42:36 This is an incantation for good.
00:42:40 Ah.
00:42:42 Mmm. Lovely bagel.
00:42:45 Hey! Didn't I tell you to stay away from here?
00:42:53 Can't I just finish my bagel and then go?
00:42:55 No! I want you out of here now before I call the police!
00:42:58 Well, as soon as I'm done with my breakfast, I'll just go on--
00:43:00 No! I want you out of here now!
00:43:03 Well, I just have a couple more bites.
00:43:05 What part of "no" don't you understand?
00:43:08 Well, what part of "understanding" don't you know?
00:43:13 Spouse of ultimate redemption,
00:43:18 dead, crucified, redeemed,
00:43:21 accomplished by God,
00:43:23 never sick, never hungry,
00:43:26 never thirsty, never poor,
00:43:28 never disappointed,
00:43:30 never in need,
00:43:32 never in need of any help.
00:43:35 Never in need of any help.
00:43:38 Never in need of any help.
00:43:41 Never in need of any help.
00:43:43 Anyway, I miss you guys.
00:43:46 I hope everything's okay there, but...
00:43:51 I guess I'll just, uh...
00:43:53 I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.
00:44:01 This is the spirit world speaking.
00:44:04 This is how the spirits communicate.
00:44:08 Little pieces of paper that blow into your feet.
00:44:12 They speak always, every second of every day.
00:44:16 Not with words, but...
00:44:19 but signs, little hints,
00:44:22 directions to taking life.
00:44:25 I remember thinking...
00:44:29 I remember thinking of going down to that killer car maker.
00:44:34 Getting a shotgun and going down there and getting them back.
00:44:38 Getting them all back.
00:44:41 Oh, but...
00:44:44 I couldn't do it.
00:44:46 I was sitting on a park bench and I...
00:44:49 I looked up at the street light and it winked out.
00:44:52 It went black.
00:44:54 And I knew...
00:44:56 I knew at that moment that that was the way to darkness.
00:44:59 And that there had to be some way back to the light.
00:45:03 I think we all have that...
00:45:05 that place in our hearts.
00:45:07 That dark place that we keep a step or a block or...
00:45:11 a million miles away from.
00:45:14 But that's the place that allows us to feel the...
00:45:17 the tragedies that others have suffered.
00:45:21 That you all have suffered.
00:45:25 Rosetta...
00:45:27 when you died you were only...
00:45:29 twelve years old.
00:45:31 And that place, that dark place, that...
00:45:34 that's why we...
00:45:36 we turn away from it, we ignore it because we're just afraid that the pain of others is just going to overwhelm us.
00:45:43 We're afraid it's going to open up that...
00:45:46 that sad black hole that's inside ourselves.
00:45:52 But the bagels...
00:45:55 the bagels come anyway.
00:45:58 Fearless bagel woman, she's come to terms with her darkness.
00:46:02 She knows it, she lives with it, she nurtures it.
00:46:06 Her darkness has given her the gift of her overwhelming compassion and it fuels her inner light.
00:46:13 And I know I'm a disgusting wreck of a man, I mean look at me.
00:46:21 I'm a loser in a game of life.
00:46:24 I have black bitter darkness inside of me that will never disappear, that no one can ever make disappear.
00:46:31 And yet I know...
00:46:34 I'm going to give to her.
00:46:37 I'm going to tell her of my love for her.
00:46:42 Even though I fear it's going to drive her away.
00:46:47 I love her.
00:46:51 [Birds chirping]
00:46:54 She loves me.
00:46:59 She loves me not.
00:47:01 She loves me.
00:47:04 She loves me not.
00:47:06 She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not.
00:47:11 She loves me.
00:47:12 She loves me not.
00:47:14 [Groans]
00:47:16 She loves me.
00:47:18 She loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not.
00:47:25 She loves me.
00:47:27 She loves me.
00:47:31 I knew it, I knew it, she loves me.
00:47:35 [Gunshot]
00:47:38 [Music]
00:47:41 Hello?
00:48:05 Hi Laurie, it's Joanna.
00:48:07 Um, I got another flower.
00:48:09 From the coward? How exciting.
00:48:12 Look, did you talk to Brian? Is it him?
00:48:15 No, um, he, he kind of spent the night here last night.
00:48:20 Laurie!
00:48:22 I'm sorry hun, I called him to ask him about you and the next thing I knew...
00:48:26 I think he's gross anyway.
00:48:28 I knew it wasn't him.
00:48:30 How?
00:48:31 Because this guy is different.
00:48:35 No, I mean, it's weird but, when I lie in bed at night and imagine him with me,
00:48:42 I can feel him out there thinking about me.
00:48:45 You're fantasizing about this man? Are you crazy?
00:48:49 Joanna, you don't even know who this guy is.
00:48:52 You're just in love with some fantasy Prince Charming.
00:48:55 No, it's not Prince Charming.
00:48:58 It's more like the lover from the Marguerite Duraud novel.
00:49:04 And why not? Why not fall for the perfect fantasy?
00:49:08 Because when the fantasy becomes reality, somebody's gonna get hurt.
00:49:13 I'm not gonna get hurt from a secret admirer.
00:49:16 I know how these things always resolve themselves.
00:49:19 Besides, I need a little fantasy in my life right now.
00:49:23 I mean, this is like the perfect guy.
00:49:27 He comes to me at night, we have incredible sex.
00:49:31 He leaves in the morning and he always puts down the toilet seat.
00:49:36 Does he leave the used condoms on the bedroom floor?
00:49:39 I hate that.
00:49:40 No, we don't use condoms.
00:49:43 No? But what if you get pregnant?
00:49:45 I can't. He uses a secret oriental method of lovemaking
00:49:49 which allows him to have an orgasm without ejaculating.
00:49:52 Oh my God!
00:49:54 Yes, and he can go on forever. I mean, all night.
00:49:58 Is he...
00:50:00 Very... well, you know.
00:50:02 No, what?
00:50:03 Come on!
00:50:04 You know?
00:50:06 What?
00:50:07 Mmm!
00:50:08 What?
00:50:10 Does he have a big dick?
00:50:12 Like a Redwood.
00:50:14 How am I gonna get rid of Brian?
00:50:20 Tell him you don't like his car.
00:50:22 I want to get rid of him, not destroy him.
00:50:25 Don't you ever get sick of it?
00:50:27 What?
00:50:28 Running around with all these guys.
00:50:31 No.
00:50:32 [eerie music]
00:50:35 Land of the dead.
00:50:37 [voices echoing]
00:50:40 [voices echoing]
00:50:54 [voices echoing]
00:51:21 [dog barking]
00:51:24 Just...
00:51:25 It's alright, buddy. It's alright. I'm not gonna hurt ya.
00:51:28 You don't need to bark at me for crying out loud.
00:51:32 Oh boy.
00:51:34 I don't know. This...
00:51:37 I don't know. It's...
00:51:39 Some people say that God's perfect.
00:51:42 Is God perfect?
00:51:44 I don't know. It just... it just doesn't make any sense.
00:51:50 I mean, would a perfect God let a two-year-old child get its legs blown off by a landmine?
00:51:57 I read about it in the paper this morning.
00:51:59 Out of the dumpster. How could you do that? How?
00:52:02 What were you thinking?
00:52:04 A two-year-old child for crying out loud.
00:52:08 You ought to come down here and let somebody teach you a lesson.
00:52:13 [sighs]
00:52:14 Sometimes I think you're as bad as I am.
00:52:18 It's not my idea of perfection.
00:52:20 I mean, even I can think of a more perfect world than that.
00:52:23 I don't know. Maybe...
00:52:26 Maybe you're trying to get by just as good as you can.
00:52:29 Just like me.
00:52:31 Maybe you can't stop all the bad in the world from happening.
00:52:35 Maybe you just try to stop it for the people that are trying to do good.
00:52:40 I don't mean good by doing things like worshipping and complaining to you,
00:52:45 or whining and complaining, and...
00:52:47 "I gotta have more of this in my life, and I don't have enough of that, and..."
00:52:51 No, I mean good by doing good!
00:52:55 Maybe we don't have the best God.
00:52:59 Maybe you're more like a straight person to God.
00:53:02 Maybe you're more like a bum God, a homeless God.
00:53:06 Where not everything goes quite right for you.
00:53:11 Miracles go wrong.
00:53:14 I don't know.
00:53:16 Maybe you're not perfect. Maybe you make mistakes.
00:53:20 Maybe I need to forgive you, you imperfect God, for the mistakes that you've made.
00:53:25 Just like I need to forgive myself.
00:53:30 Just like I need to forgive everyone else for theirs.
00:53:36 [sigh]
00:53:38 Hi, Lori, it's Joanna.
00:53:58 I finally got something for my secret admirer.
00:54:01 Well, I hope it's a name and phone number, or maybe like a picture totally nude.
00:54:07 No, it's a key.
00:54:09 To his apartment?
00:54:10 No, a key to a locker in the bus station.
00:54:13 Oh my God!
00:54:15 How incredibly romantic, exciting, and mysterious.
00:54:19 Unless, of course, inside the locker you find the head of his last victim, Lori.
00:54:25 Yeah.
00:54:26 Maybe he's like a freako serial killer,
00:54:28 the flower petal bus locker stalker who slyly sucks beautiful young women into his soft, sultry web of romantic candy.
00:54:36 And then chops and hacks them up for all the mean things his mother did to him.
00:54:40 Uh, no. That was your last victim?
00:54:44 Oh yeah.
00:54:46 So, um, I'm going down to the bus station. Do you want to come?
00:54:49 No way. What if he's there waiting for you?
00:54:52 That's why I want you to come.
00:54:54 Well, I would, but I'm going to a concert with Brian.
00:54:58 Oh, how's that going?
00:55:00 The man has problems. He is a real fixer-upper.
00:55:04 And?
00:55:05 And nothing. He's a total dick, but I need to get laid.
00:55:09 You mean, because he has a dick, you can get laid?
00:55:14 Exactly.
00:55:15 God, you're such a slut.
00:55:16 Hey, what's wrong with that?
00:55:18 I don't know. I don't know. Maybe that's just the way to be.
00:55:21 Listen, I would trade in my night with Brian the Motorhead
00:55:24 for your romantic, exciting locker key any day of the week.
00:55:28 Really?
00:55:29 Honey, I want the real thing. Love, kids, marriage, all that stuff. We all do.
00:55:35 Well, it's about time you admitted it to me.
00:55:39 Do you know how hard it is to be the last romantic woman in Boulder?
00:55:44 Are you really going to fuck Brian?
00:55:46 No, but he thinks I am.
00:55:49 God, you're so bad. I'll call you later. I've got a jet.
00:55:53 Okay, bye.
00:55:55 I know Jesus. He's a friend of mine. I met him in a pub.
00:56:10 It was back when I was drinking heavily.
00:56:13 I looked over, and there he was, sitting there, right at the bar.
00:56:18 He was drinking, too. He had a glass of wine or something.
00:56:22 I said, "Jesus Christ, man, am I glad to see you."
00:56:27 "You would not believe what's been going on around here."
00:56:31 "The last 2,000 years, they've been fighting wars and such."
00:56:35 "On TV, they steal money from the meek."
00:56:39 "They've practically screwed up the whole planet."
00:56:43 And you know what the thing is? I mean, I don't really want to tell you this,
00:56:47 but they've been doing it all in your name.
00:56:51 I had to tell him, and he just kind of looked at me with these eyes.
00:56:55 His eyes were just so full of light and joy.
00:56:59 And I kind of looked at him, and his hair was all tangled up,
00:57:02 and he was kind of dirty and skinny-looking.
00:57:05 He looked to me like he'd been living out on the street for God, all his whole life, probably.
00:57:09 And then he says to me,
00:57:12 "You know, you have no idea what it's like, pal."
00:57:17 "They are after me every day."
00:57:20 "They're always on my back."
00:57:22 "And you know what? Very little of all this impresses me."
00:57:25 "Very little of it."
00:57:39 Then he mumbled something else. I don't quite remember what it was.
00:57:42 And then he said something like,
00:57:44 "Hey, how about sliding me a dollar so I can get some food?"
00:57:49 And then he looked into his glass, and he just kind of stared into it for a while.
00:57:53 And I just kind of felt my heart sink.
00:57:57 And I looked at him, and I said,
00:57:59 "Can't you just make a miracle or something, save the world from all these wars and everything?"
00:58:05 And he looked at me, and he goes,
00:58:07 "Don't look at me, pal. I've done all I can."
00:58:10 "I've been trying to save the world, but how can I change your heart when it's all balled up like a vest?"
00:58:16 "I can't change your mind no matter how much it's been blessed."
00:58:20 Well, I'd been drinking for days, and this just kind of pissed me off.
00:58:26 So I looked at him, and I said,
00:58:28 "Oh, I see. You're just going to sit there and drink, and while we all go straight to hell."
00:58:33 "You can't tell me that even the Messiah has lost all hope."
00:58:38 And then he just kind of twisted his glass, and he turned his head ever so slowly.
00:58:49 He took a long stare at me.
00:58:53 And he looked at me with those big, round eyes of his, and he says,
00:59:02 "Look, pal. You can buy me a drink, or you can leave me alone. The rest is up to you."
00:59:13 And then he just wouldn't say a word after that.
00:59:18 [church bells ringing]
00:59:36 [church bells ringing]
01:00:04 Hey, Richard. Richard! Hey!
01:00:07 - Hi, George. How's it going? - Hey, how's it going, man?
01:00:09 - All right, all right. Good to see you. - Good to see you.
01:00:11 Hey, listen. I need some advice.
01:00:15 On what?
01:00:17 Women. What else?
01:00:19 Women.
01:00:20 Listen, don't ask me. I haven't a clue what women think.
01:00:23 Go ask somebody who's married or in a relationship.
01:00:25 You got a relationship?
01:00:27 I don't have a relationship. I have a sinking ship.
01:00:30 It's close enough. I just need some advice on what to do with the woman that's been giving me the bagels.
01:00:35 - The bagel woman. - Have you actually spoken with her yet?
01:00:38 - No. It's worse than that. - How much worse?
01:00:42 - Well, I think I'm in love with her. - You think?
01:00:47 Okay, I know I'm in love with her.
01:00:50 You're in love with her. With her.
01:00:53 I love her. I don't know how she feels about me.
01:00:57 - Well, have you told her? - No.
01:01:00 No, look at me. I'm afraid what she might think.
01:01:03 Let me tell you something, okay?
01:01:05 One time I asked somebody for some advice and they gave it to me and I took it.
01:01:09 I fucked my whole life up. I fucked it up, Royal.
01:01:12 Okay, well, I give you permission to fuck up my life.
01:01:17 Well, years later, all right, I came to realize that they were directing those comments to themselves.
01:01:26 It was almost like the advice they were giving me were based on what they would have done in the situation that I was in,
01:01:31 which is what I think humans do generally. They can't help it.
01:01:34 So what do you mean exactly?
01:01:37 What do you mean? What do I mean?
01:01:40 Okay, like say if I were to ask somebody if I should put avocado on my sandwich, right?
01:01:44 And they say, "Nix the avocado because they're trying to lose weight."
01:01:47 Well, maybe I'm trying to gain weight, okay?
01:01:49 So they're giving me advice based on what they would have done instead of what I should have done.
01:01:53 Okay. So what happened?
01:01:56 Well, I did this thing in that situation, which would have been great had they done it,
01:02:00 but for me it wound up being the worst thing that could have transpired, you know?
01:02:04 So as a result of that, I wound up being alone, fucked up relationships,
01:02:08 all because I bullshitted when I should have told the truth.
01:02:11 What bullshit?
01:02:14 Well, she was it, George. You know what I'm saying? She was it.
01:02:18 All right, and the advice I got was, "Don't tell your lover, man, or you'll scare her off."
01:02:22 So I didn't tell her. So she left town and left a note.
01:02:25 A note? What did it say? The note?
01:02:29 All right, all right. I got it right here.
01:02:33 Wait, that stick of gum, you gonna--
01:02:35 No, I need that.
01:02:39 "Richard, I'll love you forever. Anita."
01:02:46 Got a postcard from her a couple years ago.
01:02:48 She's living in Minneapolis now. Married, got kids, doing really well.
01:02:53 I tell you, it makes me feel sick even today to think about it, you know?
01:02:57 And of course, you know the guy who gave me the advice? Happily fucking married.
01:03:03 Anyway, the point is, okay, is that any time anybody wants to give you some advice,
01:03:08 I mean, I don't care who it is, it could be a doctor or a lawyer or your therapist or your mother,
01:03:13 they're really saying it for themselves.
01:03:16 Yeah, right.
01:03:19 So tell her you love her is my advice to you.
01:03:23 But it doesn't apply to you, so don't take it.
01:03:29 Right! Got it! Got it.
01:03:36 Got it.
01:03:37 You're gonna leave, huh?
01:03:38 Yeah. Yeah.
01:03:43 You all right?
01:03:46 Yeah.
01:03:47 You okay?
01:03:48 Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
01:03:52 Hey, you know, take a shower though before, or whatever you do, you know, just...
01:04:12 Love, kindness, joy, bliss, caring self-assurance.
01:04:20 These are the things that I was born with.
01:04:23 I don't need to follow some guru or religion in order to find spiritual bliss.
01:04:30 These things are inside of me every second of every day.
01:04:35 I just happen to be covered up in a layer of crap right at the moment.
01:04:40 I just need to stop.
01:04:42 I just need to stop and get down under these layers and uncover that hidden self down on the inside.
01:04:49 Yeah, it's just all this crap, all these bad thoughts, these inappropriate actions,
01:04:54 these inappropriate thinking patterns.
01:04:58 It's not like we were all born perfect and then we had to go discover a course in miracles
01:05:04 or become a Scientologist or spend a hundred years on a mountaintop meditating.
01:05:12 No. No. No, no, no.
01:05:19 I think we came into this world as far more perfect beings.
01:05:24 Yeah.
01:05:27 And it's not something that exists out there.
01:05:31 I don't have to go somewhere else to go find it.
01:05:34 No, it's right here. It's right here inside of me.
01:05:37 I just need to get all that crap out, just pour it out, just spew it out of my mouth.
01:05:45 Just get rid of it until I'm clean on the inside.
01:05:50 Get down to that hidden perfection that's buried deep down inside of me
01:05:54 and let it rise to the surface of my heart and heal myself.
01:05:59 That's what I'm going to do.
01:06:02 That's what I'm going to do.
01:06:04 It's all down deep inside of us now.
01:06:06 I can feel it. We're perfect on the inside.
01:06:09 I mean, you know that, don't you?
01:06:11 I know.
01:06:12 Yeah, you know. Everybody knows.
01:06:15 [Muffled voices]
01:06:26 I was right.
01:06:28 I hope this is the right decision.
01:06:32 This is who I am, my friend.
01:06:36 I hope you like me.
01:06:41 She's not going to like me. What am I thinking?
01:06:44 I can't believe this.
01:06:46 This is crazy.
01:06:49 Oh, God.
01:06:51 What if she wouldn't like me?
01:06:54 [Muffled voices]
01:07:04 She's not going to like me.
01:07:07 Hey! What are you doing?
01:07:11 I was just going to put something into your mailbox.
01:07:15 You've been leaving me things?
01:07:17 Yeah. Yeah.
01:07:19 You left me the flowers and the key?
01:07:23 Yeah.
01:07:25 Oh, my God. What was I thinking?
01:07:28 Of course. Of course it would be someone like you.
01:07:31 No offense, but you're not exactly someone I can fall in love with, you know.
01:07:36 What is wrong with you? What were you thinking?
01:07:39 Well, you just left me those bagels.
01:07:42 I leave stray dogs biscuits, and I don't expect them to start following me.
01:07:48 You can't do this anymore.
01:07:50 You have got to leave me alone.
01:07:53 I just wanted to thank you.
01:07:55 Oh, are you crazy?
01:07:57 God, my girlfriend said you'd be some kind of psycho.
01:08:00 What is wrong with you?
01:08:02 You've got bodies in your freezer.
01:08:05 I mean, have you ever killed anybody?
01:08:07 How did you know?
01:08:09 I just love my wife and my child so much.
01:08:13 Look, you don't love me. You got that?
01:08:17 You don't love me, and I don't love you, and I never will love you.
01:08:22 You had better leave, and you had better leave me alone,
01:08:26 and you had better not come back here. You got that?
01:08:28 I'm going inside, and I'm going to call the police,
01:08:32 and if you ever come back here, I'm going to have you arrested,
01:08:35 and I'm having a restraining order put on you,
01:08:38 so stay out of my mailbox and my garbage.
01:08:44 You don't understand. I just wanted to thank you for the bagels.
01:08:49 I won't come back if you don't want me to.
01:08:52 I just talk too much. I just talk too much, that's all.
01:08:56 Well, now you know.
01:08:58 Now you know I'm a complete and utter bitch, and I hate you.
01:09:02 So get the fuck away from me.
01:09:04 You disgust me.
01:09:06 You disgust me to the very core of my being.
01:09:10 [♪♪♪]
01:09:13 [♪♪♪]
01:09:17 [♪♪♪]
01:09:21 [♪♪♪]
01:09:24 [♪♪♪]
01:09:45 [♪♪♪]
01:09:48 [♪♪♪]
01:09:54 [♪♪♪]
01:10:01 [whispering]
01:10:11 I didn't want it to be this way.
01:10:14 I didn't want it to be this way.
01:10:19 Is there any hope?
01:10:24 Oh.
01:10:26 Is there hope?
01:10:30 Very doubtful.
01:10:38 [♪♪♪]
01:10:41 Is there love?
01:10:43 Goodness?
01:10:45 Kindness?
01:10:47 Oh, I look not so good.
01:10:53 But I believed in these things.
01:10:57 I know they exist. I know they do.
01:11:00 For some.
01:11:03 For the lucky ones.
01:11:07 But not for me!
01:11:09 It can only exist for those who still believe.
01:11:15 To reach out, have someone grab your pitiful hand.
01:11:20 I thought that love would come.
01:11:22 I thought that I would find it again.
01:11:24 I thought that I felt it.
01:11:26 But no, I only felt the hope of it, the longing of it.
01:11:30 I thought that something or somebody was watching over me.
01:11:36 And now I know that there is.
01:11:38 But not something benevolent and kind.
01:11:40 Not something wonderful and caring.
01:11:42 But something malevolent and vindictive.
01:11:44 Something sour and cold.
01:11:47 Back when I had love and a child.
01:11:49 Back before I killed them and let myself be washed over by the flames of hell.
01:11:55 Then I thought I was dead.
01:11:58 But I had not died.
01:12:00 But I was dead.
01:12:01 And only I could will myself back to life.
01:12:04 The flames which I alone allowed to consume and torture me.
01:12:09 I could not forgive good or God or good spirits or the Tao or Karma.
01:12:16 Or Buddha or Yahweh or Mary or whoever it is that you pray to.
01:12:21 For all the good it had given me.
01:12:25 I could not forgive it for taking away so much in such a cruel and senseless manner.
01:12:32 Was it just me and an evil act of evil self-intent?
01:12:36 What possessed me?
01:12:38 How can I forgive myself and God for allowing it?
01:12:41 Yet I do, I do forgive Him in my thoughts.
01:12:46 But when?
01:12:47 When will this sink down in the very depths of my soul and stay there nurturing me?
01:12:53 Become a part of me?
01:12:55 Why is it so easy?
01:12:57 To forgive in the brain, in the mind, in the intellect?
01:13:02 To forgive in the heart?
01:13:04 Will the darkness dwell with their sticks and their jabbing knives tearing me apart?
01:13:12 I have every right, I have every right to be angry.
01:13:17 I have every right to be angry.
01:13:21 I have every right to be angry.
01:13:28 But do I, do I want to be?
01:13:33 No.
01:13:35 [fire crackling]
01:13:37 [music]
01:13:50 [fire crackling]
01:13:52 [music]
01:13:54 [music]
01:13:56 [music]
01:13:59 [music]
01:14:02 [music]
01:14:04 (somber music)
01:14:06 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:09 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:12 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:15 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:18 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:21 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:24 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:27 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:30 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:33 (singer vocalizing)
01:14:36 (singer vocalizing)
01:15:04 ♪ Pure space ♪
01:15:09 ♪ Pure space ♪
01:15:15 ♪ Pure space ♪
01:15:18 - I was driving home one night with my family
01:15:20 and I swerved to avoid hitting a dog.
01:15:25 And it rolled over and I killed him.
01:15:34 And it killed my family.
01:15:35 ♪ Mighty I am ♪
01:15:39 ♪ Mighty indwelling God ♪
01:15:44 ♪ Mighty I am ♪
01:15:49 ♪ Mighty indwelling God ♪
01:15:52 (singer vocalizing)
01:16:03 (singer vocalizing)
01:16:06 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:16:16 I just, I wanted to apologize for the other day.
01:16:20 I'm sorry.
01:16:22 So, I'm not gonna yell at you anymore.
01:16:28 Oh, do you need to be alone?
01:16:33 I can go.
01:16:36 - No, no, that's okay.
01:16:38 I wanted you to meet my wife and child.
01:16:43 Well, they wanted to meet you.
01:16:45 I guess you think it's pretty weird
01:16:49 me introducing you to my wife and child
01:16:53 that are dead out in the middle of a great storm.
01:16:56 And my wife and child that are dead
01:16:58 out in the middle of a graveyard.
01:17:00 I just wanted their approval
01:17:05 for what I guess I don't really know.
01:17:08 I must just be crazy.
01:17:12 - No, no, you're not crazy.
01:17:17 - I'm not?
01:17:20 - No.
01:17:24 You just need to be loved.
01:17:27 So do I.
01:17:32 - I don't know what to say.
01:17:39 - Well, you look really nice.
01:17:52 Why don't we go get a bagel?
01:17:55 Do you wanna get a bagel?
01:17:56 Come on, my treat.
01:17:58 Let's go.
01:18:00 It's really peaceful here, huh?
01:18:04 And look at all these sleeping bodies.
01:18:06 I wonder if they're having pleasant dreams.
01:18:10 I bet they are.
01:18:11 Look at you in a place like this.
01:18:15 I hope that when I die, I have the sweetest dreams
01:18:20 and I can be loved by my loved ones.
01:18:23 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:26 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:29 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:32 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:35 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:38 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:41 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:44 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:47 I hope that's what I'm dreaming of.
01:18:50 ♪ Let's plant the seed in the ground ♪
01:18:53 ♪ Where all life springs ♪
01:18:57 ♪ Hold it close as we soar on our ancient wings ♪
01:19:02 ♪ Turn this world around ♪
01:19:07 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:19:10 (gentle music)
01:19:12 ♪ Now that we are found ♪
01:19:15 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:19:18 (gentle music)
01:19:21 ♪ Now that we are found ♪
01:19:28 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:19:31 (gentle music)
01:19:33 ♪ Happy child in the eyes that know all things ♪
01:19:40 ♪ Take a walk in a world where freedom rings ♪
01:19:45 ♪ Plant the seed in the mind that thinking brings ♪
01:19:52 ♪ Hold you close as we fly on our silver strings ♪
01:19:58 ♪ Hear that inner sound ♪
01:20:01 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:20:04 (gentle music)
01:20:07 ♪ Blue and green and brown ♪
01:20:11 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:20:14 (gentle music)
01:20:17 ♪ Make a sound in the land where no one sings ♪
01:20:25 ♪ Plant the seed in the ground where all life springs ♪
01:20:30 ♪ Rock a child in the arms of a friend ♪
01:20:36 ♪ In the arms that love it brings ♪
01:20:41 ♪ Hold you close as we soar on our ancient wings ♪
01:20:46 ♪ Hold you close as we soar on our ancient wings ♪
01:20:52 ♪ Hold you close as we soar on our ♪
01:20:58 ♪ Glide on our ancient wings ♪
01:21:05 (gentle music)
01:21:08 ♪ Turn this bird around, we're going home ♪
01:21:25 ♪ We're going, we're going, we're going, we're going ♪
01:21:32 ♪ Turn this bird around, we're going home ♪
01:21:37 ♪ We're going, we're going, we're going, we're going ♪
01:21:44 ♪ Turn this bird around, we're going home ♪
01:21:50 ♪ We're going, we're going, we're going, we're going ♪
01:21:57 ♪ Turn this bird around, we're going home ♪
01:22:02 ♪ We're going home ♪
01:22:05 (gentle music)
01:22:08 (gentle music)
01:22:10 (gentle music)
01:22:13 [BLANK_AUDIO]