Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 04- Harrowing
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 04- Harrowing
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TVTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:23 Sansa!
00:24 Heel, heel, heel!
00:26 Dogs, no dogs, come here!
00:29 Bollocks.
00:30 Piggly Squats!
00:33 Hello, piggies.
00:35 How are you all?
00:37 Piggies!
00:39 These are the girls that they feed off.
00:42 These are all the pregnant mothers.
00:48 It was now early March, and the explosion of newborn Piggly Squat piglets was due to hit the farm at any moment.
00:59 You'd better get back.
01:00 Also, as it was March, Caleb was busy with the spring crops.
01:10 And I'd come up with an idea which I thought might help him along.
01:15 We're running out of space. And what's in there?
01:20 Fertiliser.
01:21 What? What the fuck?
01:23 I bought a hovercraft.
01:26 [MUMBLING]
01:28 Talk to me?
01:29 Well, as you know, I love hovercrafts.
01:32 My plan is, he doesn't know this yet, I know you're stunned.
01:35 A little bit.
01:37 It's for you.
01:38 And, as odd as that sounded, I wasn't actually talking nonsense.
01:44 [MUSIC]
01:49 Hovercraft are making a bid to be the farmer's best friend.
01:53 There's no more of that dead weight on the axles, and the truck moves with ease over the muddiest surface.
01:58 And that means the farmer can get his work done when he wants.
02:01 Whereas, with an ordinary tractor, it would be impossible.
02:05 Now there's a hopeless position for you, well and truly stuck.
02:09 Temper, temper.
02:12 You must get one of those hover trucks with a bit of skirt.
02:15 [BEEP]
02:22 [MUSIC]
02:24 My plan was simple.
02:25 If we used a hovercraft to spray the crops with fertilizer...
02:29 Perfect.
02:30 Then we could do away with the tramlines that normal sprayers need.
02:35 So we could plant crops where those tramlines normally go.
02:41 I did the calculation last night.
02:45 Do you know how many miles of tramline there are on this farm?
02:48 How many miles?
02:49 Fifty-four.
02:50 What?
02:51 Fifty-four miles of tramline, and they're about that wide.
02:53 So that adds up to...
02:55 Well, I did the cost of lost crop is £5,200 a year.
03:00 Wow.
03:01 Now with this, no tramlines.
03:03 Obviously, I then had to explain to Caleb that operating a hovercraft is a bit more tricky than driving a tractor.
03:13 So you've got two engines.
03:15 Yeah.
03:16 This is your lift engine.
03:19 That fills the skirt with air.
03:20 Then, once you've got the lift, you start your right-hand engine.
03:25 This is your throttle.
03:26 Okay.
03:28 Now...
03:29 It's not the brake?
03:30 No.
03:31 You have no brakes, right?
03:32 And you see these are your handlebars.
03:34 You see they turn the flaps on the back?
03:37 Yeah.
03:38 They make no difference.
03:39 Okay.
03:40 Absolutely no difference.
03:41 If you see an obstacle and you do that, you're going to hit it.
03:43 You have to lean.
03:44 So basically, you ride like this and you sort of lean.
03:47 Get right over like that.
03:49 And that steers it?
03:50 And that will make it go right.
03:51 And then, get over like that and that.
03:53 Get as much weight as you can as far over.
03:55 And that will steer it?
03:56 And that will steer it.
03:57 Along with...
03:58 That.
03:59 The handlebars.
04:00 But effectively, no braking and no steering.
04:02 Okay.
04:03 Can I have a go before I start spraying?
04:04 Yes, I think that's a very good idea.
04:06 This feels so good telling you what to do.
04:12 Oh, that's great.
04:13 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:14 Oh my god, I'm leaning.
04:15 Oh my god.
04:16 Come on, man.
04:17 You're supposed to be going in a straight line.
04:18 This is useless.
04:19 That's as straight as a roundabout.
04:20 Charge.
04:21 Lean.
04:22 Lean.
04:23 Lean and power.
04:24 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:25 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:26 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:27 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:28 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:29 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:30 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:31 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:32 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:33 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:34 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:35 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:36 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:37 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:38 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:39 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:40 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:41 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:42 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:43 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:44 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:45 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:46 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:47 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:48 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:49 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:50 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:51 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:52 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:53 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:54 Oh, I'm going to beat it.
04:56 Ah.
04:58 That's not good.
04:59 Come on, you clown.
05:00 I need to learn this shit.
05:05 I'm going spraying.
05:06 Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.
05:11 See, it's just gliding over the weeds.
05:14 Turn, turn, turn.
05:15 No, no, turn.
05:16 No.
05:17 We've got the spray fitted, fertilizer applied.
05:21 Turn, turn, turn.
05:23 Ah.
05:24 All we need to do is teach him how to stop.
05:28 With the driving lesson successfully concluded,
05:33 it was time to test the hovercraft as a crop sprayer.
05:37 Tell you what, you look like a shit gimp.
05:41 This is liquid...
05:45 Fertilizer.
05:46 Liquid nitrate, which is phenomenal.
05:50 Once Caleb had finished filling my bespoke fertilizer tanks,
05:55 we were ready for the off.
05:57 You want it?
05:58 Yeah.
05:59 Go ahead, my young apprentice.
06:03 Yee-haw!
06:08 [LAUGHS]
06:12 Oh, it's spraying.
06:14 It's spraying.
06:17 It's spraying. It's spraying.
06:19 I'm getting good at this.
06:27 Woo-hoo!
06:29 Hey, this isn't bad.
06:31 Now, just go a little bit to the left of that.
06:33 Yeah, I'm on my way.
06:35 But then, after exactly 75 seconds...
06:43 [HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
06:45 Caleb, is there any spray coming out?
06:51 No.
06:53 Oh, for fuck's sake.
06:56 Is that it?
06:58 I'm empty.
06:59 And how big's this field?
07:01 20 acres.
07:02 How many times are you going to have to refill with fertilizer?
07:05 Uh, 25 times.
07:08 You're joking.
07:09 It's going to take me about eight hours to spray this field.
07:12 That means I've got to spend eight hours in this gimp suit.
07:15 I think we stick to the sprayer, please.
07:22 Can you please undress me?
07:25 [LAUGHS]
07:27 Cut.
07:31 Clearly, I needed bigger fertilizer tanks on the hovercraft,
07:37 which meant it would need more powerful engines to deal with the extra weight.
07:42 That was a big job.
07:44 And there was no time to do it, because the next day, winter came back.
08:05 And then, the next night, our feed from the cameras in the pigleys
08:10 suggested one of the mums was about to give birth.
08:14 [DOG BARKING]
08:16 Let's see how she's getting on.
08:41 Oh, look! There's an actual piglet.
08:45 It's the first baby ever.
08:47 Oh, I think we've got a problem here.
08:52 Concerned that the piglet was not finding a teat to drink from,
08:57 Lisa went in to help.
09:00 Oh, my God. There's the teat there.
09:03 Oh, she's having a teat. Good little one.
09:08 It's March the 10th. It shouldn't be this cold.
09:11 The climate is changing.
09:13 Somebody needs to mention that, because it's really bad.
09:19 This is the best bit of farming I've had so far.
09:24 How many will we get?
09:26 How many teats has this one got? 16?
09:29 Yeah, yeah, that's 16.
09:31 So she could have 16 piglets.
09:35 This joy, however, soon turned into concern,
09:39 because over an hour went by, and no more piglets appeared.
09:44 Come on. Come on, Mum.
09:48 One's not enough.
09:50 Come on. You can do it. Come on.
09:53 I was told they were born like machine gun bullets.
09:56 They go...
09:58 Come on.
10:02 She's properly wobbling.
10:05 SHE SNIFFS
10:07 I would say that is a pig in distress.
10:11 PHONE RINGS
10:16 The vet's not answering.
10:19 Welcome to the EE Boys' Club.
10:21 And neither is Caleb.
10:23 Shit.
10:25 Eventually, though, one of the vets answered.
10:28 Hello?
10:30 It's Jeremy Clarkson here at Diddley Squat Farm.
10:34 Um...
10:35 Caleb, what's going on?
10:37 Well, we've got a gilt who's given birth to one piglet
10:40 an hour and 20 minutes ago and seems to be in some distress.
10:43 And there's nothing else that's come since.
10:45 Is that normal, an hour and 20 minutes between births,
10:48 or should we be worried?
10:49 An hour and 20, did you say? Yeah.
10:51 It's usually much faster than that.
10:53 Is she actively pushing, or does she just look like she's moving around?
10:56 Does she look... She looks...
10:58 I would say uncomfortable, but Lisa keeps telling me
11:01 that's how people look, what creatures look when they're giving birth.
11:06 I mean, she's vibrating and snorting and...
11:09 I'd say it looked like she's in distress,
11:12 but I'm a man, I've no idea what I'm talking about.
11:15 So Lisa's gone back to the farm to see if she can find a rubber glove
11:19 and is very happy to pop in there and have a look.
11:22 Yeah, that would be the first thing to do,
11:25 cos it would be easier if you have a feel and see if you can feel anything.
11:28 So, yeah, have you got any lube up there as well?
11:31 Lisa will have some lube. Don't put that on television.
11:34 Fine. If you're going to feel in there and see if she can feel a piglet,
11:38 if she can feel her front legs or back legs
11:40 and they feel like they're coming in the normal position...
11:43 She can go and get rid of a tug.
11:45 OK, shall we take her? Bye. Bye.
11:48 I have those, but I also have...
11:50 Oh, perfect.
11:52 I don't know if I'll be able to feel much. I think I'll try those.
11:55 OK, well, let's get in there quickly, cos it's nearly two hours now.
11:58 Yeah, OK.
12:00 According to Jenny, you put your hand in,
12:03 and if you can feel legs or head, kind of try and tease it out.
12:06 If it's sideways, we've got to give her a call.
12:09 Good girl, good girl, good girl.
12:12 Ah!
12:18 Oh, I'm so sorry.
12:20 Cos she's stopped. She's really stopped.
12:22 OK, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. And?
12:25 I'm in. Oh, my God, they're so far up.
12:28 Can you feel a piglet? I'm not...
12:30 No, I really can't feel anything.
12:33 They're so far in.
12:35 I'm going to ring Jenny again. Please ring Jenny. I...
12:38 OK, no, no, well done.
12:40 We can either give her an injection of oxytocin, which sometimes helps,
12:44 or in the meantime... You know what?
12:46 ..get her up and walk her around. What?
12:48 Get her up and walk her...
12:50 Get her and move her around a little bit.
12:52 Sometimes it stimulates everything. OK.
12:54 Oh, nice.
12:56 Oh, it's so cold.
12:58 Oh, pig.
13:08 She's not going to in a million years.
13:10 She's in labour.
13:12 The vet said just walk her round.
13:14 When you were in labour, if someone had come in
13:17 with a macky D, you wouldn't have said, "Oh, I'll follow that."
13:21 You wouldn't. No. Oh, she's coming.
13:23 I can't believe it.
13:27 She's actually in labour and she's come out for a macky D.
13:31 Erm...
13:33 I'm bonding. I'm bonding with my piglets.
13:38 No, don't let her in.
13:40 No, don't, don't, she's treading on me.
13:43 No fucking hell, what's going on?
13:45 I can't paddle, the pig has beaten me.
13:48 Jesus. I've been in a wrestling match with a pig.
13:52 Evening up.
13:54 Lisa, we've got to get her out for a walk.
13:57 That's what the vet said.
13:59 Lisa... She's in huge contractions.
14:04 She's been for a walk and...
14:06 She hasn't been for a walk.
14:08 If I did that, you wouldn't call that a walk.
14:10 Oh, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming.
14:12 We have a piglet. Yes.
14:14 It's steaming, it's steaming.
14:16 She's steaming.
14:17 It's a big piglet.
14:19 There you go. Come here.
14:22 Come here, slithery girl.
14:24 That's two.
14:25 Oh, there's a forest. That's another piglet coming.
14:29 Is it? Yep.
14:30 Pig coming, pig coming.
14:32 Yes, look.
14:33 Pig three.
14:35 Lisa, he's attached, she's attached to her mother.
14:38 What do I do?
14:39 What, what, what?
14:40 She's attached to the string thing.
14:42 It's fine, it's the umbilical cord.
14:44 It's part of it, it's part of the process.
14:46 Go on, lick it.
14:48 Oh, it's so cute.
14:49 Three pigs.
14:51 Good mother.
14:53 Over the next couple of hours, seven more were born.
14:58 And after a quick nap, we came back to see how everything was going.
15:10 Morning, piggies.
15:12 Well done, mum.
15:13 Ten piggies.
15:16 Oh, darling.
15:17 Jeremy, there's one here not moving. Just have a look down here.
15:20 Can you go in?
15:21 Oh, no.
15:22 Are they okay?
15:23 Darling, are they okay?
15:25 Oh, no, it's a big healthy one too.
15:32 Did you get...
15:33 Did you get ladled?
15:36 Oh, no.
15:37 Lisa.
15:39 Whoa, she's just sat on another one.
15:41 Oh, she looks...
15:43 She's obviously squashing them.
15:44 They're perfect.
15:45 You're a big, lovely one.
15:47 And you're a sweet little sow.
15:49 So we've got two, three, four, five...
15:53 Oh, wait a minute, seven.
15:54 Is she lying on that one?
15:55 There's only seven.
15:57 Shit.
15:59 Shit, shit, shit.
16:00 Where's the other one gone?
16:01 I think she's lying on that one again.
16:05 Yes, there is, there's one behind her.
16:08 For fuck's sake, she's squashed them again.
16:10 You are shit, mother.
16:12 No, she's not.
16:13 She is, she was lying on one of them.
16:14 That's how two of them have obviously died.
16:16 It's shattered.
16:17 Look, there it is.
16:18 Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
16:21 Right, they're all...
16:22 That's better now.
16:23 Nice.
16:24 You mustn't sit on your children.
16:27 You know us, we've got this every night now for a week.
16:31 We kind of messed up, didn't we?
16:34 We did.
16:37 Sure enough, that night...
16:39 ..another sow started giving birth,
16:44 but this time to a litter of only three.
16:48 How are you doing, Mum?
16:51 So we're now...
16:54 The first one gave birth to ten, sat on two of them,
16:59 so we're down to eight, nine, ten, eleven,
17:02 and one has been brought down here this morning,
17:05 that's twelve.
17:07 She is so enormous.
17:09 Oh, look at you!
17:12 Yes.
17:14 So we've got clumsy pig that sat on two of our piglets and killed them,
17:19 swiss pig that promised to deliver ten or twelve or sixteen piglets
17:24 and delivered only three,
17:26 and now we've got unit pig.
17:28 How was... How did that happen?
17:34 I was literally talking to the cameraman for two seconds
17:37 and I've looked back in there and there's another one come out.
17:40 This is a good pig. She's birthing well.
17:43 Lisa arrived just in time to see unit pop number three out.
17:48 There's another one!
17:51 Ooh!
17:55 Come on, then. Come on, come on.
17:58 By the end of the morning, unit had produced ten piglets.
18:03 And because she was an experienced mum who'd had litters before,
18:07 she seemed to know what she was doing.
18:10 Well done, mum!
18:13 However, when we checked in later on...
18:19 We've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
18:24 Oh, fuck it.
18:27 Oh, no.
18:30 Oh.
18:33 I can't bear it.
18:35 Another one.
18:36 She's obviously squished it, hasn't she?
18:38 We then went to check on the other mums.
18:42 And then this is eight left, darling.
18:44 Yeah.
18:45 There's two died.
18:46 There's only seven.
18:48 She can't have killed another one.
18:50 Oh!
18:51 Oh, no.
18:53 Oh.
18:55 Oh, for fuck's sake.
19:00 Oh, my God, that's so upsetting.
19:02 Bottom line, we'd now lost four piglets
19:06 as well as three of the five surprises
19:08 that had come along just over two months earlier.
19:11 Oh, they're adorable!
19:14 Oh!
19:16 Seven piglets have died.
19:19 Out of...
19:20 28. A quarter of them have died.
19:23 What are we doing wrong?
19:27 Oh!
19:29 Worried that we were indeed making some terrible mistake...
19:36 Oh, hi. How are you?
19:38 We consulted our neighbours, Vanessa and Andy,
19:41 who've been pig farmers for years.
19:44 Seven piglets.
19:47 That's 25% of the piglets have been squashed,
19:50 which is a lot, isn't it?
19:52 Yes, it is, but, I mean, how...
19:54 Mother's sitting on them.
19:56 OK. I mean, it's not uncommon.
19:58 They are classically terrible mothers.
20:00 Some are worse than others.
20:02 This breed is classically terrible.
20:04 Yes.
20:05 Well, and pigs in general, just...
20:07 One thing about the arks is that,
20:10 if they're in a big house, all together with other sows,
20:14 the other sows do sort of tell the one who's sat on her piglets.
20:19 Oh, by the way, who's a sow?
20:21 They will make some fuss. They notice it.
20:23 If you've got a bad mother, the others will tell them it.
20:26 Having processed this information, we then spoke with Caleb.
20:32 The biggest problem is the piglets are cold.
20:35 Now, when the mum lays down, so the mum stands up to go and eat,
20:38 the piglets are going, "Right, fuck, it's cold, it's cold."
20:41 Find each other, and then the pig comes back in,
20:43 the sow comes back in, then they find the warmth automatically.
20:46 So when the pig starts to lay down, it's trying to get near the warmth,
20:49 ASAP. Of the pig. Do you see what I mean?
20:51 It's bloody cold last night. Yeah.
20:53 And that's the main problem. This is why you're losing so many piglets.
20:56 It's not because you're a bad pig farmer, you're really good.
20:59 I'm being nice. You are good. You are good.
21:01 So now we knew why the piglets were dying,
21:06 but we couldn't work out what to do about it.
21:08 And that night, we lost another.
21:13 And we had a new problem,
21:18 because the remaining pregnant sow was showing
21:21 absolutely no sign of giving birth.
21:25 Her milk hasn't even come down. How can she be so far behind?
21:30 She could be barren. Shall we call her barren?
21:33 Barreness. This is your favourite one, this is.
21:37 Yes, this is my friend. She's so gentle.
21:40 She's very lovely.
21:42 She was also eating very little,
21:45 so we called out Jenny, the vet.
21:48 So this is our poorly, poorly pig. She's very sweet.
21:52 Yeah, she's not eating very well, so that can't be good for anybody.
21:55 I mean, it means that we should hopefully be close...
21:58 Doubtless, Lisa will now arrange for her to be taken away
22:01 in a luxury ambulance and put into a kind of pig nursing home
22:06 with a streaming television to watch.
22:12 She's had that food in front of her now for 12 hours, more?
22:16 18 hours? And she kind of, she sits there and she doesn't even move.
22:20 She kind of puts her tongue out almost and takes a bit.
22:23 She snuffles up a bit. She doesn't eat like a pig.
22:25 Yeah, which makes me think that there's something's not right.
22:28 She does look really, really not very happy in the way she's moving.
22:33 She's got a little bit of a rasp in her breathing,
22:35 maybe listening to her lungs,
22:37 so I'm wondering whether she's got a touch of infection going on there.
22:40 So what I'd probably be inclined to do is give her an anti-inflammatory,
22:44 give her an antibiotic, see how she goes.
22:47 Sorry, darling, you're not going to like this very much.
22:50 Good girl.
22:52 OK, she's done.
23:00 Well done.
23:02 She's pregnant, right?
23:04 She certainly looks really heavy down low,
23:06 which sort of suggests that she might be pregnant.
23:09 That's good. Good girl.
23:11 Let us know if she's not getting better. Yeah, will do.
23:14 While we were waiting anxiously for Baroness to go into labour,
23:23 bigger events were unfolding around us.
23:26 Down at West Oxfordshire District Council,
23:32 a government inspector had arrived to adjudicate on our appeal
23:36 against the enforcement notice.
23:39 We'd been advised not to attend,
23:43 so instead we went into overdrive
23:46 to make sure everything in the farm shop was super local,
23:50 council compliant and completely above board.
23:54 This, Ned, who works for us, he's just turned 16,
23:59 these are his biscuits, he makes them on his little kitchen.
24:02 Granola, that's a girl down the road.
24:04 The flour comes from that field over there.
24:07 These are all made up in our kitchen.
24:09 This, a neighbour down the road makes.
24:11 This is Mrs Victor. Victor does our honey.
24:15 And Mrs Victor makes her soap using our honey.
24:18 This is our delicious jerky using our chillies again.
24:23 We're growing a lot more chillies this year.
24:25 These are made in Chipping Norton from a local baker.
24:28 This is made using our wheat.
24:32 Over here, this is our gin that's made in Burford.
24:35 Their pottery is made from a local lady.
24:38 So this is our...
24:40 You do know the programme's only 40 minutes long
24:42 and you've been 28 minutes.
24:44 Sheshton.
24:46 Of equal importance was the future of the burger van,
24:49 because with no restaurant, this had become the only way
24:53 of selling our beef and pork at a profit.
24:57 I need a burger and a truffle and parmesan for this, chef.
25:01 Annie, who runs the van, had been to the council hearing that day
25:05 to plead the case for her business to stay open.
25:10 Vomit, what's it like?
25:12 It's a big room and then there are, at the back of the room,
25:15 sort of 12 rows of probably eight across seats
25:18 with an aisle down the middle.
25:20 Then you've got the council on one side
25:22 with their legal representation
25:24 and then the guy presiding over the top, all of it,
25:26 is at the far end looking down at you.
25:28 Has he got a beard? No.
25:30 That's good.
25:31 You go in and I was a couple of minutes late
25:33 because of severe lack of parking, the irony.
25:36 So, anyway, went in and I just found a seat next to Emma,
25:39 who does the milk, so I thought at least I've got an ally.
25:42 And then he said, "Would anyone from the floor like to comment?"
25:45 I stood up and I said, "My name's Annabel Grey."
25:48 I said, "I grew up in a farming community."
25:50 I said, "I've lived in the countryside most of my life."
25:53 And now I run the catering trailer behind Diddly Squat,
25:56 at which point there was sort of a...
25:58 Yeah, I'm in my early 60s.
26:00 I was like, "Oh, gosh, here we go."
26:02 And I said, "I'm really passionate about this.
26:04 "You have got something which could be a massive asset."
26:07 I said, "Yes, it's not perfect."
26:09 I said, "I hide no secrets. There are stuff we need to deal with.
26:12 "But no-one wants to deal with it because no-one knows
26:14 "what you're next going to get upset about.
26:16 "So give us the infrastructure to make it something brilliant."
26:19 Exactly. They said we could have one lavatory, that was sufficient.
26:22 And they said we could have nine car parking spaces,
26:24 because that was sufficient.
26:26 So, basically, based on ten spaces, everyone get in, get out the car,
26:30 you've got five minutes to run round.
26:32 If you want to grab something, you've then got to be back in your car
26:34 in five minutes and out.
26:36 In and out in five minutes.
26:38 So, goodness, if somebody is disabled, turns up,
26:40 I don't know how quickly you can get out.
26:42 "Let's time him next time. Right, you've got five minutes."
26:44 But did you get a sense of how it's going down there?
26:48 Are they still trying to claim it isn't a farm shop?
26:51 Yeah, they're saying that people come and buy things,
26:54 but actually it's an entertainment and leisure facility.
26:57 This is what pisses me off, though, because it is...
27:00 I look at that and go... Every single thing.
27:02 I know where that bread came from, the wheat, I know the beer.
27:05 Everything's there, and I look out there and see your operation
27:08 and think, "And that's where all the meat goes that's cooked in bread
27:11 "that's also made with wheat from here." With my pants.
27:13 And you think, "It couldn't be more of a farm..."
27:15 Admittedly, when it first started, we were taking the piss slightly,
27:19 but now... But I did love that one, when the council said,
27:23 "People are driving past other farm shops which are better."
27:27 And you just think, "Our cows are grass-fed,
27:31 "nurtured through the winter, the highest possible quality,
27:36 "and the council...." And it's not really their business.
27:39 They're saying, "But you could go to another farm shop.
27:42 "They have better-quality produce."
27:44 And if they close you down, we have no way...
27:46 If you get closed, we're fucked.
27:48 Anyway, thank you ever so much for going...
27:52 LAUGHTER
27:55 "Chadlington football shirt."
27:57 "My shirt is better than your shirt."
28:03 I like that.
28:05 "Oh, Lisa, these are my scales from the kitchen.
28:10 "Lisa!" What?
28:12 "These are my scales from the kitchen."
28:15 No, no, no. "Yes, they are." No, no, no.
28:17 "Yes, they are, cos I couldn't find them. You've nicked my scales."
28:20 I might have needed to borrow them for a little bit for the veg.
28:23 "Why don't you buy the shopper pair?"
28:25 Cos it's up here now.
28:27 "I couldn't find those anywhere."
28:29 You don't need to weigh a chicken before you put it in the oven.
28:32 That's about three pounds put in the oven, and then you can see...
28:35 "Which is why I always have salmonella when you've cooked."
28:38 Well, why don't you cook? "I do fucking cook!"
28:40 Well, then you won't get salmonella.
28:42 "No, but I can't weigh anything, so I never know how much anything weighs.
28:45 "I've wondered where they've gone."
28:47 They're very good, by the way.
28:50 Having followed proceedings closely,
28:53 Charlie reckoned it would be weeks before the inspector made a decision,
28:57 so all we could do was get back to farming.
29:01 Except we couldn't.
29:04 In mid-March, it started to rain,
29:16 and it didn't stop...for days.
29:19 This hit Caleb especially hard,
29:28 because it was too wet to plant his most valuable crop.
29:32 The durum wheat is a big money crop, and it could pull a lot of money,
29:37 especially for my board this year.
29:39 It might potentially be profit and loss,
29:42 so we've grown it for the last two years and we've seen how good it can be,
29:45 but annoyingly, you need to get it in in perfect timing,
29:48 because if you don't, it suffers through the summer,
29:51 and then the yields are normally down.
29:53 I want to try... Yeah.
29:55 It's never going to stop raining, I don't think.
29:58 The endless wetness meant we couldn't work on the dam, either.
30:03 Not a chance.
30:05 It's a lot of water, isn't it?
30:07 It's basically washed the clay away, look.
30:10 Well, we've got to wait for the water to go down, but we cannot.
30:13 I agree.
30:15 I want to go farming.
30:17 You can't, it's raining.
30:19 I know.
30:20 There was, though, some good news from the pigwood,
30:38 because thankfully there had been no more piglet deaths.
30:43 # Golden brown, texture like sun
30:46 # Lays me down with my mind she runs
30:50 # Throughout the night, no need to fight
30:54 # Never a frown with golden brown. #
30:58 Baroness, though, still hadn't gone into labour.
31:09 And despite a week of antibiotics, she was clearly no better.
31:13 She slept outside last night because she's so hot.
31:19 She's not eating at all.
31:21 I don't know what we're doing wrong.
31:24 Something, mate.
31:26 I mean, I just feel like this is...
31:28 Oh, it's heartbreaking.
31:30 Oh, Jenny's here, look.
31:33 Still unwell.
31:35 I don't... Yeah, she slept outside last night.
31:38 So her temperature went down, probably cos she slept outside.
31:41 Yeah, I was thinking... But her breathing is still laboured.
31:44 Yeah, we'll take a second temperature.
31:46 But it could be that if she's got pregnant
31:49 and then had the piglet die inside,
31:51 they might not be triggering her to give birth,
31:54 but they might be sitting there rotting inside there.
31:57 Well, what do you do in that situation?
32:00 Possibly try and induce her so she'll kick them out.
32:03 Without more ado, we began the inducement procedure.
32:08 If the piglets are dead,
32:10 then we'll just concentrate on getting her one again.
32:13 And then... Yeah.
32:15 Behind the ear, in, inject.
32:20 Is that it? Yeah.
32:22 So this time, yeah, 3 o'clock tomorrow,
32:24 with the second injection, which you'll do.
32:26 Yeah, I can do that.
32:28 So it only should be a small amount,
32:30 so it's not like that antibiotic injection... No, exactly.
32:33 So you've only got a small amount and it should go really easily.
32:36 MUSIC
32:38 I'm going to give her this,
32:46 and then in four to 12 hours' time,
32:49 she should be starting to give birth.
32:52 There we go. There we go.
32:56 Oh, my God, hello, my friend.
32:58 Done.
33:00 Yep.
33:03 By late afternoon, the medicine started to work
33:07 and she gave birth to a piglet that was alive.
33:10 But there were still problems.
33:16 So the whole process has started.
33:21 She's given birth to one really small piglet.
33:24 She has no milk.
33:26 And the piglet is in there just looking for teeth.
33:29 And there's no food.
33:31 How are we doing?
33:33 She's had one. She has no milk.
33:36 So look at that.
33:38 Oh, Jesus Christ. It's absolutely tiny.
33:41 Have we got any pig milk, like, SMA?
33:44 I mean, that's not a healthy piglet, is it?
33:47 PHONE RINGS
33:49 Hi, Nathan.
33:51 Hiya, there. It's Jeremy Clarkson up at Diddley Squat.
33:54 Sorry to trouble you. I gather both Dilwyn and Jenny are not there,
33:58 so I'm troubling you.
34:00 I don't know if you're up to speed on our sickly sow.
34:04 She's popped a piglet out that is the size of a mouse.
34:07 She's not producing any milk.
34:09 I was wondering if you had any suggestions.
34:12 So basically, if she's not letting down any milk,
34:14 it's because she's not producing any.
34:16 So the next step is basically going to be bottle feeding the piglets with some colostrum.
34:20 Where do we get colostrum from?
34:23 So I think in this case,
34:25 it's probably the easiest if we use pre-made land colostrum.
34:29 So I think what we'll do is we'll put some up at the practice for you for you to collect.
34:33 And it'll be a case of following instructions on it,
34:36 mixing it up and bottle feeding the piglets with it.
34:39 All right, Nathan. Well, thanks. Bye. Bye.
34:41 All right. Take care now. Bye. Bye.
34:43 A member of the film crew went off to get the formula,
34:48 and then Caleb arrived.
34:50 Is he still trying to push? Yeah.
34:52 Just as Baroness gave birth to piglet number two.
34:56 Oh, yes. Another one.
34:58 Is there another one? Yeah, we have another one.
35:01 Is it alive? Yep. There we go.
35:04 Is that one even smaller? Yeah.
35:07 That one is unbelievably tiny.
35:10 I'm fucking hungry. I bet you are.
35:14 This one is weak as hell, Caleb.
35:28 One of them is as weak as hell.
35:30 Right, that little tiny one. No, the bigger one.
35:33 She can't open her mouth.
35:35 You know, the head's flopping around on the nickel.
35:38 Luckily, the formula milk was now ready to go.
35:43 All right. Well done.
35:47 That's it.
35:54 Beautiful. That's perfect.
35:57 Make a big, strong pig.
36:01 I'll be up and about in no time.
36:04 Then Nathan arrived and started to work vet miracles.
36:12 We've got one. A little guy?
36:14 Yeah, alive.
36:16 Here we go. Another one.
36:18 Oh, my God.
36:20 Another one alive.
36:22 Here we go. Another one.
36:24 Lisa? Yes?
36:26 How many now? Four.
36:28 Are they all alive? Yes.
36:30 Are they tiny? Yes.
36:32 Oh, hang on. Yeah, I've got another one.
36:35 Soon, Baroness was mother to five piglets.
36:39 I'm just going to put them all next to Mum, just to keep her warm.
36:43 Cos he's a bit cold there.
36:45 Just pop them all together.
36:47 And having bottle-fed them all, we went home to grab a bit of sleep.
36:52 The next morning, we found that three of the piglets had died.
37:14 They'd simply been too weak to survive.
37:17 We moved the remaining two to a heated pen at the farm,
37:24 but even that wasn't working.
37:26 Another dead one.
37:34 Oh.
37:43 Oh.
37:45 Is that the only one that's left?
37:49 Got one more.
37:51 How's the mother?
37:53 Is she OK? She's still alive.
37:55 We're losing a lot of piglets.
37:57 What? We're losing a lot of piglets.
37:59 It's really tough, isn't it?
38:07 And this one's... I mean, you just have to feed this one every ten minutes or something.
38:12 Every... I can't remember what the vet said.
38:15 Come here, you.
38:17 We've still got a feisty one.
38:21 This is the one that was born second, then.
38:26 I've lost count. I honestly don't know.
38:29 We'll make it our life's mission to make that piglet survive.
38:34 Yeah. And her mother.
38:36 Mother will survive. I could die and see her now.
38:40 Are you going down?
38:42 That night, we did what even the most hard-hearted farmer will do at a time like this.
39:00 Come on. Here we go.
39:02 We took the sickly piglet into our kitchen to look after it there.
39:06 Here we go. Come on.
39:10 There we go.
39:12 Still a bit small.
39:15 And still a bit cold, to be honest.
39:18 Your ears are cold.
39:20 OK, let's pop you back in there.
39:23 OK? Nice and warm.
39:26 Yeah.
39:27 Now, I'm not going to put you in. It's just a lot warmer here.
39:31 OK? I know. Sorry.
39:34 There we go. OK?
39:37 MUSIC PLAYS
39:39 The next day, irony of ironies,
39:45 we had to go to the farm shop to meet Andy Garcia, the butcher.
39:49 Yeah, there's lots of it. Let's take a look at it.
39:52 Because he'd finished preparing the pigs I'd recently taken to slaughter.
39:56 Seven boxes, yeah, two pigs' worth of pork in these.
40:00 You should be doing the lifting, really. They're your pigs.
40:03 You're young, and I've seen you hold a pram while aiming your gun.
40:08 Ooh, look at that. Al Capone. This is your favourite.
40:11 Yeah, these are belly pork strips. Pork chops there.
40:14 But you can tell they're really nice pigs,
40:16 just because of the amount of fat that's on them.
40:18 So whoever's looking after them, they're doing a great job.
40:21 You can see that they're going to eat really well.
40:24 Lots of sausages. Holy moly!
40:26 Caroline, a reaper and honey sausages.
40:29 Oh, my giddy aunt. There's more. There's another box.
40:32 Two pigs are produced for eight.
40:36 There's 36 packs of six in a box.
40:40 Jeremy, sounding like forest sausages.
40:43 They sound good. Sounds good, doesn't it?
40:45 Oh, this is so good for my side of the chart.
40:48 God, Struth, that's brilliant.
40:50 Except it is so... One of the things I can't get my head around
40:54 is we're having a really tottering time with your piglet births.
40:58 Really tottering.
41:00 So you're up all night nurturing these pigs
41:03 and trying to make them warm and trying to make them comfortable
41:06 and trying to make them alive. Yeah.
41:08 And then you break off to come here and receive all this.
41:13 Yeah. Mixed emotions.
41:16 There's only one expression I can think of, and it's farmer logic.
41:19 Because you love animals. All farmers love their animals.
41:23 And then they kill them and sell them.
41:27 Hmm. This way you can love them twice.
41:30 THEY LAUGH
41:32 Back at the farm as the rain continued to fall,
41:45 I brought the poorly piglet into my office
41:48 so I could keep an eye on her while I was working.
41:53 I moved her away from the agar and brought her next to the stove in the barn.
41:58 And she's really not well.
42:01 Hey.
42:04 No.
42:14 It's the last one. I know.
42:17 I know. Come on. No.
42:22 It's OK, little one. I'm with you, OK?
42:26 You can go. You can go. I'll stay with you.
42:30 And her mother's not well either. I know.
42:34 She's worse than she was before, to be honest. She is.
42:37 Aw.
42:41 Hmm.
42:46 Aw.
42:49 I just find that heartbreaking.
42:52 Hi, Jenny. Hi, Jack.
43:00 Another familiar sight.
43:02 I've heard that she's not doing very well. Yeah.
43:05 No, I'm afraid she's passed. There's nothing there.
43:15 Oh, dear, she did come out very little. Yeah.
43:18 But, um...
43:21 Oh, I can't do this. I can't have pigs any more, honestly.
43:28 A nightmare. I like them too much. Mm.
43:33 Shh.
43:43 Shh.
43:45 Unbelievably, the torment wasn't over.
43:50 Because we then had to turn our attention to Baroness
43:54 now that every single one of her piglets had died.
43:58 Come on, darling. Hiya, sweetie.
44:02 Good girl. Good girl.
44:05 What are you doing there, Jenny?
44:07 Just taking her temperature, just to see whether she has got a fever.
44:11 She's very wobbly, though. She's walking like she's drunk.
44:14 She's really wobbly. Yeah.
44:16 And you can see her swaying from side to side.
44:18 Yeah, she has eaten. She's had a bit of water and that's it.
44:21 You can see on the back end, so her bum should be nice and rounded out
44:24 with muscle and it's really sort of straight up and down.
44:27 So she's obviously lost a huge amount of muscle there and support.
44:31 And the problem is, especially on this terrain,
44:34 where she's up and down hills and it's all a bit lumpy bumpy,
44:37 I'm just, I'm really worried that she's going to get to the point
44:40 that she's just going to go off those legs and collapse.
44:44 It could be something cancerous.
44:47 The other thing you could be dealing with is if you've got some damage
44:51 to the liver, neither of which are... Curable.
44:55 Yeah. Is she suffering now?
44:58 Any animal that's not eating is not in a good state.
45:03 She's so unsteady on her feet, isn't she? I know.
45:06 If you don't make the decision now,
45:08 I have a feeling that we'll be in this position in another week's time
45:11 with her collapsed down the bottom of there.
45:14 If she's not going to get better and she's suffering,
45:19 it's dignitas time.
45:21 So if, um, if you want me to do the deed,
45:31 then I'll sort it out and then you'll need to get someone in
45:35 to take her away.
45:37 After everything is done. When would you do the deed?
45:39 So I can do it now.
45:41 If you would like.
45:43 Fucking hell.
45:45 I'm more than happy to give you a bit of time.
45:48 I don't want her to be unhappy and I don't want her to be in pain
45:51 and I don't want her to get sicker.
45:53 And then... You don't want her to die, either.
45:55 I don't want her to die with a broken leg, having fallen down there
45:58 and just be all crumpled up and alone.
46:01 I know, it's always a really difficult decision and...
46:05 She's so lovely.
46:07 She does seem like she's got a bit of sweet data.
46:09 She's always been the sweetest.
46:11 Yeah. Um...
46:13 Well...
46:15 Yeah. Time.
46:26 That's fine. You don't have to be present if you don't want to be.
46:32 Yeah. I don't want to see it. No.
46:35 Thanks, Jenny. That's not a problem. OK.
46:38 My bonus.
46:52 Oh, God.
46:59 Oh, God.
47:01 All right, darling.
47:13 Time's up, I think.
47:15 Oh, God.
47:17 Oh, God.
47:19 Oh, God.
47:21 Oh, God.
47:23 Oh, God.
47:25 Oh, God.
47:27 Oh, God.
47:29 Oh, God.
47:32 Oh, God.
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