Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00 [silence]
00:00:18 Good afternoon everyone, I hope you checked your inboxes.
00:00:21 Yeah, you better have checked your inboxes.
00:00:23 Because we left a memo regarding mandatory overtime by all employees.
00:00:25 All employees better be doing overtime.
00:00:27 Because the company benefits from every employee who's doing overtime.
00:00:30 The company benefits and so will you.
00:00:32 And we benefit from every employee who does overtime.
00:00:34 Absolutely.
00:00:35 I know it's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.
00:00:38 Stick around. Overtime.
00:00:41 [music]
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00:02:08 [music]
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00:03:18 [music]
00:03:25 Guys, wait. I'm tingling.
00:03:27 You know you can get a cream for that.
00:03:29 No, I mean it's my ex-girlfriend.
00:03:31 Look, I'm telling you, cream does wonders for any problem.
00:03:33 No, it's not that at all.
00:03:35 It's just, I get this sort of tingling sensation whenever my ex-girlfriends are around.
00:03:38 It's like a sort of sixth sense.
00:03:40 Lisa must be around here somewhere.
00:03:42 Lisa?
00:03:43 Guys, why are you so mean to her?
00:03:45 She was always really nice to me. She probably came to apologize.
00:03:47 Look, you just don't understand how girls work, alright?
00:03:49 Look, once you realize that girls are predisposed to extract valuable time, energy, and most importantly, money,
00:03:54 you'll understand where me and Neil are coming from.
00:03:56 I had a girlfriend, Matt.
00:03:57 Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
00:03:58 Look, with girls, you gotta be ruthless.
00:04:00 Well, maybe Neil doesn't want to be ruthless.
00:04:02 What? What are you talking about? Of course he does. It's his ex.
00:04:05 Look, now just go stand over by the tree. This is man talk.
00:04:07 But I--
00:04:08 Go!
00:04:09 Yeah. Yeah, ruthless.
00:04:18 Can't let Lisa see that I'm still single.
00:04:20 Yeah, you gotta save your face. Hey, hey, you!
00:04:22 Me?
00:04:23 Yeah, yeah, you. Wanna make 20 bucks?
00:04:25 Sure.
00:04:26 What's with him?
00:04:34 Oh, he lost his circle privileges.
00:04:36 Right.
00:04:37 So, about the 20 bucks.
00:04:39 Oh, great. Alright, 20 bucks to pretend to be this guy's girlfriend.
00:04:42 This guy?
00:04:44 You gotta be kidding me.
00:04:45 Girls gotta have standards.
00:04:47 Oh, for crying out loud. What's the big deal?
00:04:49 I mean, no one would believe that a girl like me was going out with a guy like you.
00:04:55 Just to think that--
00:04:56 Alright, alright, 40 bucks.
00:04:57 Okay.
00:04:58 Okay.
00:04:59 Neil, give her the 40.
00:05:02 Come on, come on, don't be cheap. Nice lady.
00:05:06 She's doing you a good favor here.
00:05:08 Alright, you good? You good? Now let's do this.
00:05:11 Sorry about all this.
00:05:14 Guys, wait for me.
00:05:19 [Door opens]
00:05:20 Lisa!
00:05:25 Neil!
00:05:26 How did you get in here?
00:05:27 Hi, Lisa.
00:05:29 Eric, don't break rank.
00:05:30 I thought you changed the locks.
00:05:33 You changed them.
00:05:34 No, guys, I did it. And I did it.
00:05:36 Yeah, that's what I thought.
00:05:38 Yeah.
00:05:40 Yeah? Well, your windows are still made of glass.
00:05:42 Our slumlord landlord isn't gonna fix that.
00:05:45 Yeah, neither are you.
00:05:46 Hush, Eric.
00:05:47 What are you even doing here?
00:05:48 I, uh, came here for my stuff.
00:05:51 Like what?
00:05:53 Like, uh, my hammer.
00:05:55 Hey.
00:05:56 That's it, you're done, Lisa. I'm calling the cops.
00:05:58 Oh, and my cell phone.
00:06:00 Fine, just take it and get out of here, Lisa.
00:06:02 Who is this, Neil?
00:06:06 This is my new girlfriend, Abby.
00:06:08 That's not my name.
00:06:10 Abby.
00:06:12 Hi.
00:06:14 Well, that's cool.
00:06:15 'Cause I have a new boyfriend.
00:06:17 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.
00:06:18 Who?
00:06:20 Uh, him.
00:06:21 Huh? Me? Really?
00:06:24 That's my roommate, Lisa.
00:06:25 Uh, I really meant him.
00:06:27 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.
00:06:29 That's my other roommate, Lisa. You're all for two here.
00:06:32 I really meant him.
00:06:35 Hi.
00:06:38 This is my brand new boyfriend.
00:06:43 Isn't he...
00:06:44 Fucking gross.
00:06:45 Rugged.
00:06:46 Oh yeah, well if you're her new boyfriend, what's her name?
00:06:48 Lisa, don't say a word.
00:06:50 Ugh.
00:06:51 But, Eric, shut up.
00:06:52 Well, hmm?
00:06:54 Ugh.
00:06:55 Ha! See? I knew it.
00:06:56 I was just happy she noticed me.
00:06:58 I knew you were on a boyfriend.
00:07:00 How much did she pay you to do this?
00:07:02 She gave me $40 to stay with her.
00:07:03 Paying someone $40 to be their boyfriend?
00:07:05 Well, that's low.
00:07:07 Well, that's funny.
00:07:09 'Cause Abby over here sure doesn't look like your girlfriend.
00:07:12 Oh yeah? How do you figure?
00:07:13 Well, first of all, a girl has to have some standards.
00:07:16 Look at her, and look at you.
00:07:19 Like trying to fit a small, square peg into a round hole.
00:07:23 And B, she doesn't smell like you.
00:07:27 You were smelling me?
00:07:29 That's it. $40 is not worth putting up with you freaks.
00:07:33 Ha ha ha!
00:07:35 Who's winning the limbo contest now?
00:07:37 What?
00:07:41 Just leave. Get going. Now.
00:07:43 I'm not done with you, Neil. I'll be back for my stuff later.
00:07:48 I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch!
00:07:51 What a waste of $40.
00:07:56 I don't know. I think she wants you back.
00:07:59 Why would you even say something like that?
00:08:01 Yeah, seriously, Eric. Why would you curse that upon him? He's better off now than ever.
00:08:04 She doesn't want me back. She just wants to make my life miserable.
00:08:07 Come on, Neil. That's not so--
00:08:09 Hey, uh-uh. I'd buy you a first slice.
00:08:11 I hope you got meat lovers this time, Matt.
00:08:16 Yeah, you would say that you do.
00:08:18 What the hell are you still doing here?
00:08:23 She also said I could take whatever I wanted.
00:08:25 What? No! Get the hell out.
00:08:28 Um, these are ours. Sorry.
00:08:31 Um, that too.
00:08:34 Thanks.
00:08:36 Whoa, uh, hold it, hold it.
00:08:39 You're good to go. You can never be too sure with hobos.
00:08:42 Jeez. Alicia's been such a bitch since I broke up with her.
00:08:48 I thought she broke up with you. Is that what she's been telling people?
00:08:51 Forget about her, Neil.
00:08:52 Let's not be too hasty, Matt.
00:08:54 I mean, breakups are a delicate situation. Like those Russian fabric eggs.
00:08:58 It's Fabergé.
00:09:01 No, no, it's not. He dumped her.
00:09:03 That egg is smashed. Move on.
00:09:05 I don't know.
00:09:06 It's not that. It's not that.
00:09:08 I think you should reexamine the situation.
00:09:10 I mean, it's been like two days since you guys split.
00:09:12 About that, yeah.
00:09:14 Right, so there's some heated emotions getting in the way of everyone's thinking right now,
00:09:17 and you should probably just talk to her.
00:09:19 Nah, she just wants to move on.
00:09:21 Get her goods and go.
00:09:23 I mean, she broke in here.
00:09:24 Rash, yes, but if you look past all the raw emotion,
00:09:27 you might be able to see what you actually want from all this.
00:09:30 Nah, I don't think so.
00:09:32 Why did you guys even break up? You two were perfect together.
00:09:36 She was... too loud.
00:09:38 Tell me about it.
00:09:40 No, I mean, in bed.
00:09:42 What?
00:09:44 I wanted to liven things up, so I told her to be louder, get into it.
00:09:48 And...
00:09:50 She took it way too far, started yelling and screaming, you know, really getting into it.
00:09:54 Wait, so that's why you used to crank your music?
00:09:57 Funny I like those tunes.
00:09:59 I'll never listen to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" the same way again.
00:10:02 I told her to tone it down, but she said it was only getting better for her the louder and angrier she got.
00:10:07 That's when we started to fight.
00:10:09 But before all that, don't you miss being with her?
00:10:12 Well...
00:10:13 Neil, don't listen to him. Look, you got your own boob tube right here.
00:10:16 Yeah, I guess you're right.
00:10:18 I mean, I hadn't been spending that much time with you guys while I was with Lisa.
00:10:21 Nothing like pizza and TV, right?
00:10:22 Yeah, two pizza pies coming right up.
00:10:24 Wait, you got pie?
00:10:25 No, you douchebag, it's not actually pie.
00:10:28 I'm just calling it pizza pie like the gangsters of old New York used to do.
00:10:31 I've never heard of that before.
00:10:33 Yeah, me neither. Does anyone still call it that?
00:10:36 Does it matter? It's cool, unique.
00:10:38 Uncommon, and with good reason.
00:10:41 No way. A grinder is a hoagie, it's a footlong, they're all tasty sandwiches.
00:10:45 I'm just saying, pizza pie? It doesn't sound that appetizing.
00:10:49 Excuse me, I'd like a pizza with some whipped cream and cheese on it.
00:10:53 Ooh, and some sprinkles, yum yum.
00:10:55 Yeah, it's like cheesecake. Just doesn't sound like you'd ever want to eat it.
00:10:58 What do you have against cheesecake?
00:11:00 Yeah.
00:11:01 Listen to it. Cheese. Cake.
00:11:04 Sounds like someone took some fresh gouda and threw it on some crust.
00:11:08 I like cheese and all, but a big honking slab of thick gooey just never really tempted me.
00:11:13 You do know it's not actually cheese.
00:11:16 Well, I know that now, but when I was little, the name was all I had to go on.
00:11:20 No, he's right.
00:11:21 You bullshit.
00:11:22 I'm just saying, a whole cake full of cheese? It sounds a little...
00:11:28 What the hell is that?
00:11:30 I can't really describe it.
00:11:32 You still haven't.
00:11:33 I boiled it down to an action.
00:11:35 What the hell is that? That doesn't say shit to me.
00:11:38 Yeah, it does. It's like, uh, too sweet.
00:11:41 No, not at all.
00:11:42 Yeah, no, it's like when you wipe your brow 'cause it's hot, or you keel over 'cause you're sick.
00:11:46 Going like, saying it's too sweet or something.
00:11:50 Eric, that's ridiculous.
00:11:52 Well, that's what I did.
00:11:54 Dude, no wonder Lisa broke up with you. You can't communicate your own fucking thoughts.
00:11:57 Hey, that was a low blow. I broke up with her, remember? She's the crazy one.
00:12:01 And don't you forget it. I just had to refocus your anger onto her.
00:12:04 We're all friends here. Let's get to that TV.
00:12:07 So where the hell is Howie? We can't watch TV without him.
00:12:22 Did we lose him?
00:12:23 Get his whistle.
00:12:26 Got it.
00:12:28 Come on.
00:12:30 I hear him. Again.
00:12:38 Found him.
00:12:45 Oh, Howie, thank God.
00:12:47 How could we ever lose you?
00:12:49 Good thing we attached his locator to him just in case.
00:12:51 Oh, but he's not here.
00:12:53 No, Eric, in its holder.
00:12:55 If we lose that whistle and then Howie again, we're screwed.
00:12:58 Okay, okay.
00:13:00 Yeah, we'll be back to where we were before, Lisa.
00:13:03 Remote-less.
00:13:05 And thus TV-less.
00:13:07 Remember when we broke a remote and got stuck in the Spanish Home Shopping Network?
00:13:10 Ah, si, si.
00:13:12 Compre Española todo el dÃa, diario.
00:13:14 Tuvimos que desenchufar la TV centenarial, muerto.
00:13:17 ¿Listo para mirar TV?
00:13:19 Vámonos, baby.
00:13:21 I love you, Howie.
00:13:23 Look how cute he is.
00:13:25 So much better than that dog we wanted.
00:13:27 I know. I stole him when I broke up with Lisa.
00:13:29 She got him when we were still together.
00:13:31 Said she needed something size-wise in her life.
00:13:33 Well, fuck her. I stole her remote.
00:13:39 Right.
00:13:41 Well, anyway, like we said, good thing.
00:13:43 It's been a good addition to our family.
00:13:45 Jeez.
00:13:47 Girls are complicated.
00:13:49 Yeah, but TV isn't.
00:13:51 Or maybe it is.
00:13:55 Damn it.
00:13:57 No, no, I'll fix it.
00:13:59 Yeah, from the sound of it,
00:14:01 girls never seem to say what they're thinking.
00:14:03 It's like you need some sort of decoder ring to figure it out.
00:14:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, you got it.
00:14:07 Who do you think that is?
00:14:09 What were you saying, Eric?
00:14:11 What was you saying?
00:14:13 You seem like a good kid.
00:14:15 I think you'll fit in just fine at the National Security Agency.
00:14:17 Anyway,
00:14:19 here's your first code to break.
00:14:23 Did a girl write this?
00:14:27 It looks like a breakup note.
00:14:29 What?
00:14:31 Yeah, it looks like she's trying to break up.
00:14:33 Impossible.
00:14:37 I've got a supercomputer working on that one
00:14:39 for four months.
00:14:41 I just read it.
00:14:43 No, you did much more than that.
00:14:45 You're good.
00:14:47 Here.
00:14:49 Try this one.
00:14:51 Looks like she's avoiding sex tonight.
00:14:55 It's a common avoidance maneuver.
00:14:57 How could we be so blind?
00:14:59 Quickly, come with me.
00:15:01 Director.
00:15:07 What is the meaning of this?
00:15:09 The new guy, he's a crypto analysis prodigy.
00:15:11 He can crack anything.
00:15:13 Well, is that so?
00:15:15 Let's see if he can crack this.
00:15:17 It's a trick.
00:15:23 It has to be.
00:15:25 What do you mean?
00:15:27 A yes or no answer will lead to disaster.
00:15:29 This is a question not meant to be answered.
00:15:31 Where did you get this?
00:15:33 My wife.
00:15:35 Well, that was weird.
00:15:37 Yeah, it was almost like
00:15:39 the television
00:15:41 is watching you.
00:15:43 Okay.
00:15:47 After that, I need something to drink.
00:15:49 I'll have an MD.
00:15:51 What?
00:15:53 Oh, come on, Eric. You lost at the nose game.
00:15:55 You're the last person to touch their nose after a request,
00:15:57 so you've got to take the walk of shame.
00:15:59 What? That's a stupid game.
00:16:01 Who came up with that?
00:16:03 It's been passed down from generation to generation.
00:16:05 It's creation lost to the sands of time.
00:16:07 It's a game of muscles. You know who's heading into there.
00:16:09 An invaluable tool for lazy people with quick hands everywhere.
00:16:11 Yeah, you know Matt's got the quickest hands around.
00:16:13 All those years of solitary practice.
00:16:15 Yep, and now you're taking a walk.
00:16:17 But I don't--
00:16:19 No, sorry, Eric. It's the rules.
00:16:21 I just got a no. Why the nose?
00:16:23 Well, I think if you stuck your finger up your ass,
00:16:25 it would cause a few problems after multiple attempts.
00:16:27 Yeah, so run the tents for a twisted tootsie roll.
00:16:29 What?
00:16:31 Lookie.
00:16:33 It is strange.
00:16:35 I guess I can understand it, though.
00:16:37 Your hand isn't normally near your face,
00:16:39 so you've got to be quick if you want to avoid being the last one.
00:16:41 Yeah, totally. Hey, don't think I'm going to forget.
00:16:43 I'll have an MD.
00:16:45 Ugh, fine.
00:16:47 Yeah, there's been a lot of weird, stupid things
00:16:53 that have been invented over time.
00:16:55 Like this thing.
00:16:57 Seriously, who thinks this shit?
00:16:59 Someone missing a finger, I guess.
00:17:01 Yeah, but how does everyone even know about that?
00:17:03 Dumb.
00:17:05 I don't know. I guess people maybe did it at family gatherings
00:17:07 in order to entertain each other, and then they passed it on or something.
00:17:09 Maybe they read it in the newspaper.
00:17:11 Yeah, but still.
00:17:13 How did that first person figure that out?
00:17:15 Luck?
00:17:17 I'm not so sure.
00:17:19 I think one guy was just puffing on some wacky weed,
00:17:21 shoved his thumb between his fingers, and figured out pulling his finger off.
00:17:23 I mean, people like that are really into weird, trippy shit like this.
00:17:25 Yeah, tell me about it.
00:17:27 I used to have this one friend who smoked a lot of dope,
00:17:29 and one day when he was at his usual Chinese buffet,
00:17:31 he thought he could understand what the workers were saying.
00:17:33 He called me up and said, "I can learn Chinese by smoking weed!"
00:17:35 What?
00:17:37 Turns out the workers were trying to learn Spanish,
00:17:39 and my friend was a fluent Spanish translator.
00:17:41 Huh, people these days.
00:17:43 Well, whoever figured that out was probably related to this guy.
00:17:45 Yeah, that one's a classic.
00:17:47 Wherever it came from.
00:17:49 At least I never knew about that one.
00:17:51 Oh, God, not her again.
00:17:53 Look, just let that slut go.
00:17:55 Sorry, man. I've just been thinking about her.
00:17:57 She's been acting really weird lately.
00:17:59 I mean, I guess I can understand her breaking and entering,
00:18:01 but bringing that smelly hobo in here?
00:18:03 Dude, just let it go, alright?
00:18:05 Once you realize you're better off living the life of a bachelor,
00:18:07 you'll be living the high life, like me.
00:18:09 You'll be getting drinks served to you,
00:18:11 watch all sorts of great TV,
00:18:13 and be one with...
00:18:15 Don't say universe.
00:18:17 I was gonna say couch.
00:18:19 Yeah, I guess you're right.
00:18:21 I mean, what do you think about her bringing that hobo in here?
00:18:23 I mean, he could have left some germs behind or something.
00:18:25 Don't you think it's a little weird that she tried to make it seem like he was her boyfriend?
00:18:27 I don't know. I thought it was weirder that we missed him.
00:18:29 The second time.
00:18:31 Eric, where's that drink?
00:18:33 You can't have pizza pie without a cold MD.
00:18:35 Yeah, it's coming.
00:18:37 [phone rings]
00:18:39 You gonna answer that?
00:18:41 Nope.
00:18:43 What if it's important?
00:18:45 Well, if it's important, they'll call back.
00:18:47 You're not even gonna screen it?
00:18:49 It'd be a waste of time, and I'm not gonna answer it.
00:18:51 See? Problem solved.
00:18:53 [phone rings]
00:18:55 [phone rings]
00:18:57 No way, dude.
00:18:59 There's only two of us here. You can't do that.
00:19:01 Besides, you're closer. Can't deny that.
00:19:03 [phone rings]
00:19:05 Jeez, remind me never to call you if I ever go to prison.
00:19:07 [phone rings]
00:19:09 Hello?
00:19:11 Oh, hey, Scott.
00:19:13 Yeah, we're all here.
00:19:15 No, Lisa's on the prowl.
00:19:17 I don't know.
00:19:19 I don't know.
00:19:21 I don't know.
00:19:23 Yeah, okay, see ya.
00:19:25 What did he want?
00:19:29 He's on his way over.
00:19:31 What for?
00:19:33 I don't know.
00:19:35 Does he want to watch TV?
00:19:37 I don't know.
00:19:39 When's he gonna be here?
00:19:41 I don't know.
00:19:43 What if Lisa sees him?
00:19:45 I don't care.
00:19:47 Jeez, what do you know?
00:19:49 I'm fucking thirsty, and someone owes me a drink.
00:19:51 This is definitely a doll.
00:19:53 It looks like some kind of voodoo doll.
00:19:55 Ah, jeez, look at this thing.
00:19:59 Lisa must have left it here.
00:20:01 It's kind of like Neil.
00:20:03 Why would you even start something like that?
00:20:05 Yeah, it does look like him.
00:20:07 You too, Eric?
00:20:09 No, really, it looks just like you. It's pretty beat up, too.
00:20:11 What?
00:20:13 It looks like the arms have been stabbed.
00:20:15 Oh, my God.
00:20:17 And it looks like the head's been reattached.
00:20:19 It used to be his nose, now a Twizzler.
00:20:21 Well, that's not that bad.
00:20:23 It's black licorice.
00:20:25 She is psychotic.
00:20:27 I wonder if it works.
00:20:29 Oh, my God, it's working!
00:20:31 It's gonna make him kiss his own ass.
00:20:33 No, you schmucks, I was just messing with you.
00:20:35 Do you think that thing actually works?
00:20:37 Well, it might have.
00:20:39 I mean, remember that one day we had to reattach her decapitated head?
00:20:41 It's just like this voodoo doll.
00:20:43 You can't be serious.
00:20:45 Oh, wait, that was a dream I had.
00:20:47 You dream about me?
00:20:49 It's okay, Matt.
00:20:51 I dream about you guys, too.
00:20:53 I don't dream about you guys.
00:20:55 Wait, what do you dream about?
00:20:57 Just, you know, the three of us living together. Forever.
00:20:59 I love it here.
00:21:01 That's fucking creepy, dude.
00:21:03 What, you dream about Neil's head being cut off?
00:21:05 I don't dream about any of you!
00:21:07 There, there, we weren't fighting.
00:21:09 There, there, Howie.
00:21:11 We're upsetting him.
00:21:13 I think he'll be okay.
00:21:15 I'm not trying to be a person, Eric.
00:21:17 I'm just making the point that Lisa's a crazy psycho bitch with voodoo Neil dolls.
00:21:19 What, by talking to the remote?
00:21:21 By luring him back to the couch with the seductive calls of Howie.
00:21:23 It's TV that'll never do you wrong.
00:21:25 I'm sure she's just venting or something.
00:21:27 You know, taking her anger out in non-harmful ways.
00:21:29 I'm sure she's hurt that you guys broke up.
00:21:31 She might even be trying to patch things up.
00:21:33 Patch things up?
00:21:35 What, like my head back to my torso?
00:21:37 Eric, Lisa clearly wants this guy dead.
00:21:39 I don't know about that.
00:21:41 Anger is her form of communication.
00:21:43 Unconventional?
00:21:45 Yeah, but it's been consistent since the breakup.
00:21:47 What I see is that she's planning something bigger.
00:21:49 I keep thinking she can't handle this breakup the way I can.
00:21:51 I think I need to do something about this.
00:21:53 See, there's a problem right there.
00:21:55 You're thinking about things.
00:21:57 We all know the cure for thinking, don't we, boys?
00:21:59 TV.
00:22:01 It happens here every Friday night.
00:22:03 Yeah.
00:22:05 Ted over here is going to help us out with this operation.
00:22:07 You ready, Ted?
00:22:09 Yeah.
00:22:11 Let's do this. Come on.
00:22:13 All right.
00:22:15 They think it's some kind of game.
00:22:17 Sick.
00:22:19 Hey, guys.
00:22:23 Ted, what are you doing here?
00:22:25 Ted, your character died.
00:22:27 Flagroth, the wizard mage, died in the last strike.
00:22:29 Go, go, go.
00:22:31 Everyone freeze. Everybody freeze.
00:22:33 What's going on?
00:22:35 What? Nothing. I don't have anything.
00:22:37 What do you want?
00:22:39 Give me that.
00:22:41 Dice. That's a felony, man.
00:22:43 Oh, my God.
00:22:45 It's a felony.
00:22:47 You can't have them. I need them.
00:22:49 Okay. Coming downtown with them, man.
00:22:51 Coming downtown.
00:22:53 You're going to be sick.
00:22:55 Oh, my God. My mom's going to kill me.
00:22:57 Well, that was interestingly bad.
00:23:03 Man, TV's been sucking recently.
00:23:07 It's like our society is degenerating into a populace
00:23:09 that's only interested in lower and lower forms of entertainment.
00:23:11 That's perpetuating the de-evolution of our culture.
00:23:13 Wow, that was really sophisticated of you.
00:23:17 Yeah, right on the back of a cereal box.
00:23:19 Wow, what kind of cereal do you eat?
00:23:21 Philosophic-Os.
00:23:23 Wow.
00:23:25 I was kidding, you douchebag.
00:23:27 I have to disagree with you, Matt.
00:23:29 I'm sure he's a douchebag.
00:23:31 I think he meant about the TV sucking, Matt.
00:23:33 Here.
00:23:35 Let me show you the TV's not completely down the tubes.
00:23:37 Careful with them. Soft hands.
00:23:39 There's got to be some quality stuff on here to watch.
00:23:41 I wouldn't doubt it. TV's got all sorts of hidden gems.
00:23:43 You probably won't find much, though. Most of it's pretty crappy.
00:23:45 I don't know, Matt.
00:23:47 We've had some great times in here together.
00:23:49 Do us proud, Neil.
00:23:51 Good luck.
00:23:53 Balls, balls, balls. We've got all sorts of balls.
00:23:55 Big balls, little balls, yellow balls, frisbee balls,
00:23:57 black balls, blue balls, ugly balls, blue balls,
00:23:59 salty balls, did I mention blue balls?
00:24:01 Everyone loves balls. Have we got a deal for you.
00:24:03 Buy a ball, get a ball.
00:24:05 Come in for a pair today at Big Al's Big Balls Emporium.
00:24:07 QED.
00:24:11 Wow.
00:24:13 Betrayed by our own TV.
00:24:15 How could this be?
00:24:17 It's pretty simple. People are subjected to many forms of entertainment.
00:24:19 All the new forms have to push the risque limits
00:24:21 in order to garner the most attention.
00:24:23 It's a recipe for disaster.
00:24:25 No, I mean about you being right.
00:24:27 You're almost never right, especially about how your precious TV is losing its luster.
00:24:29 You tend to look past it and enjoy it for what it is.
00:24:31 I don't know, guys.
00:24:33 There's still some good stuff out there.
00:24:35 Like this hit new superhero show my internet blogging sites keep talking about.
00:24:37 It's better not be another one of your stupid Asian cartoons.
00:24:39 Jeez, Matt, it's called anime, and no, this isn't.
00:24:41 Yeah, good, because I don't think I could take another five minutes of anime lines,
00:24:43 over-expressions, and senseless emphasis.
00:24:45 What?
00:24:47 Oh, come on. Every anime is, "Hello! How are you doing?"
00:24:49 Well, it's none of that.
00:24:51 Yeah, we'll see.
00:24:53 Heads up.
00:24:55 Nice catch.
00:24:57 I'm going to go get a beer.
00:24:59 Nice catch.
00:25:01 Wouldn't want to hurt your precious baby.
00:25:03 Hey, that's all of our babies.
00:25:05 Okay, so...
00:25:07 [phone rings]
00:25:09 For Christ's sake.
00:25:11 [phone rings]
00:25:13 [phone rings]
00:25:15 [phone rings]
00:25:17 Hello?
00:25:19 Hi.
00:25:21 Yep.
00:25:23 Mm-hmm.
00:25:25 Right here.
00:25:27 It's Lisa.
00:25:29 Lisa!
00:25:31 Yes, Neil. You still have more of my stuff.
00:25:33 Don't play coy, Neil.
00:25:35 I know you're there.
00:25:37 [phone clatters]
00:25:39 It was a wrong number.
00:25:41 It was Lisa.
00:25:43 [phone rings]
00:25:45 Is she seriously going to do this?
00:25:47 How about that show, Eric?
00:25:49 No way. I refuse to have my entertainment sphere be penetrated by this psycho.
00:25:51 Either you settle this, or I will.
00:25:53 Maybe it's not even her.
00:25:55 See?
00:25:57 [phone rings]
00:25:59 Oh, that is it.
00:26:01 Lisa, you're being permanently disconnected.
00:26:03 Oh, man.
00:26:05 I always wanted to have a bitch in one line like that.
00:26:07 Oh, that settles that.
00:26:09 That was extreme.
00:26:11 Hey, she had it coming.
00:26:13 Why do you always have to be the Bieber in Neil's damn mat?
00:26:15 You've been causing a lot of problems lately.
00:26:17 When did you come up with this stuff, Eric?
00:26:19 That was actually pretty...
00:26:21 [phone rings]
00:26:23 [phone rings]
00:26:25 [phone rings]
00:26:27 He never answers the first one.
00:26:29 Just waiting it out.
00:26:31 There.
00:26:33 [phone rings]
00:26:35 This is something else.
00:26:37 I swear to God.
00:26:39 Neil? What?
00:26:41 No, wait. Lisa has my phone.
00:26:43 Good call. I'm proud of you.
00:26:45 Just turned it off.
00:26:47 I hate when my dome is assaulted.
00:26:49 This is why girls are the root of all evil.
00:26:51 Let's just get to that show.
00:26:53 Maybe you should just talk to her.
00:26:55 She has been very forward.
00:26:57 Eric!
00:26:59 This is the College Crew!
00:27:01 Frat Man with a stomach of infinite capacity!
00:27:05 [music]
00:27:07 Blaine with the power of social invisibility!
00:27:11 [music]
00:27:13 Has a car, lad!
00:27:15 Who has a car?
00:27:17 [music]
00:27:19 And a mazo with the power of telekinesis!
00:27:23 [music]
00:27:25 [music]
00:27:27 [music stops]
00:27:29 Wow, what an awful show.
00:27:31 Yeah. Why aren't any good superheroes made anymore?
00:27:33 Because they can't be the classic superheroes.
00:27:35 Like Batman.
00:27:37 Please, are you kidding me? Batman?
00:27:39 Come on, he wasn't that bad.
00:27:41 I don't give a shit about Batman.
00:27:43 "Oh, he's not a real superhero. He's got a lot of money."
00:27:45 "Oh, he keeps a small boy in a cave. Ooh."
00:27:47 "But he was a dark hero, bound to service by the events of his childhood."
00:27:51 That's not even the fucking problem.
00:27:53 And he's basically Sherlock Holmes without the cool accent.
00:27:55 "I'm gonna fight crime by being a detective!"
00:27:57 Yeah, that's cool.
00:27:59 Oh, please. Who's your superhero?
00:28:01 Spider-Man.
00:28:03 The semen slinger? Spider-Man's kinda cool.
00:28:05 I guess.
00:28:07 At least he actually has superpowers.
00:28:09 Peter Parker's original conception was to make science cool and relate to other teenagers.
00:28:11 He was a high school student and he dealt with everyday problems.
00:28:13 I could totally see that happening.
00:28:15 No, originally Peter Parker was a jock with brains.
00:28:17 Totally not happening.
00:28:19 At least Batman's a hero that you can go around saying,
00:28:21 "With a little hard work and studying, I could be him someday."
00:28:23 He wouldn't spend the rest of his life looking for a radioactive beetle.
00:28:25 "Radioactive beetle."
00:28:27 Batman couldn't even keep his villains under control.
00:28:29 It's a nice job security, if you ask me.
00:28:31 What?
00:28:33 Look, a corporate entity such as Wayne Enterprises must have had a hand in sales,
00:28:35 such as security devices, to shipping and construction.
00:28:37 Making sure his villains weren't truly locked away forever,
00:28:39 Batman had a pretty good guarantee that Gotham would be facing some tough times
00:28:41 in the future.
00:28:43 He'd be making profit repairing all the destruction caused by his publicly hated Thorns,
00:28:45 while ensuring a positive life for Batman and a financial foothold for Wayne Enterprises.
00:28:47 So you're saying Batman actually expects his villains to escape?
00:28:49 Totally.
00:28:51 If he's so technologically advanced, how come each of his villains has escaped like a hundred times?
00:28:53 Well, they have to keep the cast of characters relatively contained.
00:28:55 But people love seeing some of their favorite villains.
00:28:57 Sure, and Bruce Wayne profits from it all.
00:28:59 I mean, if you're here as the almighty dollar, then B-money's your man.
00:29:01 Well, what about Superman, guys?
00:29:03 He's always been a big fan of Batman.
00:29:05 He's a big fan of Superman.
00:29:07 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:09 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:11 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:13 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:15 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:17 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:19 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:21 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:23 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:25 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:27 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:29 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:31 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:33 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:35 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:37 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:39 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:41 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:43 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:45 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:47 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:49 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:51 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:53 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:55 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:57 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:29:59 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:01 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:03 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:05 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:07 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:09 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:11 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:13 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:15 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:17 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:19 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:21 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:23 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:25 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:27 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:29 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:31 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:33 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:35 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:37 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:39 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:41 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:43 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:45 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:47 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:49 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:51 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:53 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:55 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:57 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:30:59 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:01 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:03 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:05 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:07 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:09 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:11 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:13 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:15 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:17 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:19 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:21 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:23 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:25 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:27 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:29 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:31 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:33 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:35 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:37 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:39 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:41 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:43 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:45 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:47 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:49 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:51 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:53 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:55 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:57 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:31:59 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:01 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:03 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:05 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:07 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:09 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:11 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:13 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:15 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:17 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:19 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:21 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:23 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:25 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:27 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:29 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:31 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:33 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:35 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:37 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:39 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:41 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:43 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:45 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:47 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:49 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:51 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:53 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:55 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:57 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:32:59 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:01 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:03 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:05 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:07 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:09 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:11 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:13 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:15 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:17 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:19 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:21 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:23 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:25 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:27 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:29 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:31 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:33 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:35 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:37 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:39 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:41 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:43 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:45 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:47 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:49 He's a big fan of Batman.
00:33:51 A terrifying thing is happening
00:33:53 in your bed.
00:33:55 In the shower.
00:33:59 No matter where you run
00:34:01 you're going to be
00:34:03 f***ed
00:34:05 by fear.
00:34:07 You're not that scared
00:34:09 for a chick.
00:34:11 Summer 2012.
00:34:13 Tall ones cough
00:34:15 and bottom ones ring.
00:34:17 The rest is marbles.
00:34:19 The giant crabs are everywhere.
00:34:21 Everyone run for your lives.
00:34:23 Run!
00:34:25 Maybe that slut Lisa
00:34:27 is infected or something.
00:34:29 Isn't that the cram I mentioned?
00:34:31 Hey, that's not nice.
00:34:33 Maybe she's some sort of demon zombie
00:34:35 who craves pissing off her ex-boyfriend
00:34:37 and his TV-watching friends.
00:34:39 No, I mean calling her a slut.
00:34:41 I don't think that's really nice of you.
00:34:43 Sorry dude, but it comes with the territory.
00:34:45 She was the one who decided to go all uber-bitch.
00:34:47 I'll take her title with her.
00:34:49 Neil, I'm sure you don't think calling her
00:34:51 his right ex-girlfriend or not.
00:34:53 I don't know. I think she slept with
00:34:55 about twelve guys. I think.
00:34:57 I never really asked her that.
00:34:59 I guess that's kind of slutty if you care about that sort of thing.
00:35:01 Yeah, see? Total slut.
00:35:03 It's not like she, I don't know, sucked 37 dicks or anything.
00:35:05 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's completely different.
00:35:07 Come on guys. This isn't right.
00:35:09 What do you mean?
00:35:11 You're saying that sucking 37 dicks isn't as slutty as sleeping with 12 guys?
00:35:13 Totally not.
00:35:15 You know what? Eric.
00:35:17 37 dicks or 12 guys, which is sluttier?
00:35:19 I don't feel comfortable talking about this, guys.
00:35:21 Come on douchebag. Man up and answer the question.
00:35:23 Well, I mean,
00:35:25 sexual intercourse is
00:35:27 something special shared between two lovers
00:35:29 and it shouldn't be entered in too lightly.
00:35:31 I think if a girl is just throwing herself
00:35:33 around like that, well then,
00:35:35 she's not a very good-willed girl.
00:35:37 I can see what you mean.
00:35:39 It's just,
00:35:41 37 dicks is a lot of dick.
00:35:43 I don't think the term slut should be
00:35:45 thrown around like a nickname.
00:35:47 You think slut? You think sex. 12 guys? Total slut.
00:35:49 This is like what? 21? 22?
00:35:51 23!
00:35:53 Right. 23. So let's say she gets her first glam when she's 18.
00:35:55 That's like three guys per year. Total slut.
00:35:57 Well, by that method, let's say she was a teeny bopper
00:35:59 and started experimenting when she was 15.
00:36:01 With 37 dicks, that's
00:36:03 5D per Y.
00:36:05 D per Y? Yeah, D per Y. Dicks per year.
00:36:07 That's not even considering her relationship spans.
00:36:09 Even if she wasn't sucking other dick
00:36:11 during relationships, an average relationship span
00:36:13 of say, six months,
00:36:15 the frequency of dicks has to go up
00:36:17 when she's single in order to maintain that 5D per Y.
00:36:19 Wow. I feel awful when I
00:36:23 think of it like that.
00:36:25 At least I never did anything like that, though.
00:36:27 I was just saying that to prove my point.
00:36:29 That was a mouthful.
00:36:31 You guys are awful saying things like that.
00:36:33 Man, that is a lot of dick.
00:36:35 I'm gonna have to rethink this one.
00:36:37 Man.
00:36:39 I could use a drink.
00:36:41 Yeah, me too.
00:36:43 What are you doing?
00:36:45 Not getting my drink.
00:36:47 Yeah, but you started with your hand on your nose.
00:36:49 That's the game.
00:36:51 No, that's total disqualification. You can't start with your finger on your nose.
00:36:53 What? Why?
00:36:55 'Cause then you could just never have to get your own stuff.
00:36:57 You get an advantage being the asker,
00:36:59 but that's it. Sorry, dude.
00:37:01 I'll have an MD. What?
00:37:03 Punishment for your crime against humanity.
00:37:05 Humanity? Gonna make an example
00:37:07 out of this one. Sorry, Eric.
00:37:09 You know, Matt, it seems like I'm always getting you a drink.
00:37:11 But someday,
00:37:13 somebody else is gonna get mine.
00:37:15 Gotta pick your battles, man.
00:37:17 Hey!
00:37:29 Hey, nothing.
00:37:31 No, really. I think Lisa's gone.
00:37:33 Again? Maybe it's for good this time.
00:37:35 She can't really be gone.
00:37:37 Why don't you go check? I can't.
00:37:39 Why not?
00:37:41 She might do something dumb when you sell the voodoo doll.
00:37:43 Maybe you're overthinking the situation.
00:37:45 Your fear seems out of place.
00:37:47 I don't want to get my head cut off.
00:37:49 Look, Neil, you want her gone,
00:37:51 but you're concerned that she is.
00:37:53 Why don't you reassess the situation and then talk to her?
00:37:55 Neil, don't listen to this douchebag.
00:37:57 Alright, we've had so much fun today, just kicking back and watching TV.
00:37:59 It's like I said, girls are high maintenance and dangerous
00:38:01 no matter who they are. It's for the better.
00:38:03 Yeah, but...
00:38:05 Yeah, but you can work, come home, and watch TV.
00:38:07 We can make fun of Eric together.
00:38:09 It's worked for me and life is great.
00:38:11 Yeah, but don't you want more?
00:38:13 Hell no. I know to go and get more just leads you down a troublesome trail.
00:38:15 I'd rather stick with what works.
00:38:17 Look, you tried to track down the love life path
00:38:19 and now you're shitting bricks because of it.
00:38:21 So you know what? Come back to the couch. Your seat's getting cold.
00:38:23 Neil, just check.
00:38:25 Lisa's been at this for some time now. Give her a chance.
00:38:27 Trust me, there might still be some electricity left in this one.
00:38:31 You're not gonna listen to Eric on this one, Matt, alright?
00:38:33 It'll only be a minute.
00:38:35 I'm telling you, dude. Security surrounds this couch.
00:38:37 I know it for certain.
00:38:39 See you in a bit.
00:38:41 I'll wait here.
00:38:43 [door opens]
00:38:45 [door closes]
00:39:11 Lisa!
00:39:13 Neil!
00:39:15 What the hell are you doing? You weren't gonna cut that cord, were you?
00:39:17 And why not?
00:39:19 Do you want to shock yourself to death?
00:39:21 At this point I'd let you if it wasn't powering our TV.
00:39:23 Oh, of course. Your precious TV.
00:39:25 Geez, Neil, you've really taken a turn for the worse without me.
00:39:27 What the hell is wrong with you?
00:39:29 You've still got some of my stuff.
00:39:31 I was getting to that. You'll get it.
00:39:33 I just want to be alone.
00:39:35 We are alone.
00:39:37 That's not what I meant. We want to watch TV in peace.
00:39:39 Is that it? Is that what you're going to do with yourself?
00:39:41 Just get a decent job and sit and settle?
00:39:43 I want more. You should know what my ambitions are.
00:39:45 Then get more.
00:39:47 It's not gonna come to you in some song and dance.
00:39:49 And those buffoons in there aren't going to help you.
00:39:51 Well, Matt isn't at least.
00:39:53 Who's with my friends in there?
00:39:55 Well, you have to understand
00:39:57 that there comes a time in life
00:39:59 where you have to start making decisions for yourself.
00:40:01 What choice are you gonna make?
00:40:03 You're not gonna make me do this, are you?
00:40:05 Damn it, Neil, if not now, then when?
00:40:07 Well, I'm certainly not gonna choose you.
00:40:09 You're crazy.
00:40:11 That wasn't the option. We're over, remember?
00:40:13 Yeah, good thing, too.
00:40:15 You say that like it was some sort of prison sentence.
00:40:17 Well, I sure as hell feel free now.
00:40:19 Damn it, Neil, why are you siding with them?
00:40:21 I didn't even say anything about them.
00:40:23 You didn't have to.
00:40:25 I came out here to talk to you.
00:40:27 No, you came out here to save your precious TV time.
00:40:29 What, are you just watching the Spanish shopping channel again?
00:40:31 No, uh, we've got a long stick.
00:40:33 Well, I'm not leaving
00:40:35 until I get what's mine.
00:40:37 I know you're keeping them.
00:40:39 We want you to leave.
00:40:41 Why are you being such a bitch?
00:40:43 Me?
00:40:45 Didn't Matt send you down here to get rid of me?
00:40:47 No, I came out here on my own.
00:40:49 Liar. You can't make a decision for yourself, Neil.
00:40:51 You've gotta have someone lead you around
00:40:53 or you'll just hang around and binge.
00:40:55 Hell, you've got a poor reason for hanging around here.
00:40:57 Damn it, I thought this was gonna resolve something.
00:40:59 Just give me my stuff
00:41:01 and we'll solve this issue.
00:41:03 You're so damn possessive.
00:41:05 Don't just walk away from me.
00:41:07 What do you want me to do?
00:41:09 You want your stuff? You've already taken everything else that's mine.
00:41:11 Isn't that good enough for you?
00:41:13 No, not at all.
00:41:15 What do you even want them for, anyway?
00:41:17 You just want an excuse to stay here, don't you?
00:41:19 Yeah, you wish.
00:41:21 You're just trying to get me to lead through reverse psychology.
00:41:23 Well, it's not gonna work.
00:41:25 What did I ever see in you?
00:41:27 Don't sell a relationship so short.
00:41:29 You couldn't enjoy it for what it was worth, remember?
00:41:31 Be louder.
00:41:33 Yeah, you certainly took a liking to that, didn't you?
00:41:35 God, you're an asshole.
00:41:37 That is really rubbing off on you.
00:41:39 Yeah, well, you're crazy.
00:41:41 I told you, don't just walk away from me.
00:41:43 Watch me.
00:41:45 Go to hell!
00:41:47 So what do you think?
00:41:53 Is it gonna work out?
00:41:55 I think I should get Matt a drink.
00:41:57 Told you, dude. Total bitch, huh?
00:41:59 I've been trying to pass things up, Eric.
00:42:01 You're a fool.
00:42:03 You're just overly concerned with what everyone else thinks of her.
00:42:05 She can't hate you.
00:42:07 She's doing everything in her power to bug the hell out of us.
00:42:09 She keeps a massacre doll of me.
00:42:11 She must really hate me.
00:42:13 Welcome back, dude.
00:42:19 Damn it, Matt.
00:42:21 Hey, I told you. Stability.
00:42:23 I can assure you that she'll never treat you wrong.
00:42:25 I don't know. I just can't help the feeling that Lisa's plotting something bigger.
00:42:27 It's not like she's gonna blow up the apartment with her brain or anything.
00:42:29 I guess so.
00:42:31 What do you think Eric's on to, anyway?
00:42:33 Probably just some Asian love-hate theory of his.
00:42:35 Like those animes he watches.
00:42:37 Oh, look. Here comes the matchmaker now.
00:42:39 How do they make it so green?
00:42:41 What?
00:42:43 Your drink. How do they make it so green?
00:42:45 It's like the ooze from Ninja Turtles.
00:42:47 You know, I always thought drinking MD would make me a turtle.
00:42:49 A turtle.
00:42:55 Not a martial artist. A turtle.
00:42:57 Yeah, I think you'd be evolving the wrong way if you turned into a turtle.
00:42:59 Well, then again, for you, that might be an improvement.
00:43:01 Did you guys know that the creators of the turtles took cheese graters
00:43:03 and they put them on their hand and swung it around?
00:43:05 And that's how they came up with the idea for Shredder.
00:43:07 Is that what your blogs tell you?
00:43:09 Wiki.
00:43:11 Oh, right. My second guess.
00:43:13 You live on those websites, Eric,
00:43:15 and yet you stay culturally ignorant and socially dense.
00:43:17 Huh?
00:43:19 I wonder if there's been any fight between the Power Rangers and the Ninja Turtles.
00:43:21 Rangers?
00:43:23 I'm just surprised you know who the Power Rangers are.
00:43:25 Well, it did start out as a Japanese show called Super Sentai Series.
00:43:27 That's right. You're an Asian kid stuck in an American body.
00:43:29 How could I forget?
00:43:31 You're such an Asi-Arican.
00:43:33 What?
00:43:35 Asi-Arican.
00:43:37 An American kid so enveloped in Asian culture that he forgets his own roots.
00:43:39 It's people like you that allow the teriyaki flood to come rushing into our country.
00:43:41 From food to fashion to entertainment.
00:43:43 What, is America not good enough for you?
00:43:45 You don't like our cheeseburgers and our fast cars?
00:43:47 That's a bit harsh, Matt.
00:43:49 I don't know.
00:43:51 That's a bit harsh, Matt.
00:43:53 It wouldn't be a fair fight anyway.
00:43:55 I mean, there's only four Turtles and five Power Rangers.
00:43:57 No, it'd still be a fair fight.
00:43:59 They got two girls, which is basically one dude.
00:44:01 Turtles would still win.
00:44:03 No, my dude, the Rangers are way better.
00:44:05 Dude, they're basically just different nationalities wearing different colored spandex
00:44:07 and talking to a giant fucking floating head.
00:44:09 Oh, because talking to a giant rat is cooler than that.
00:44:11 Hey, a genetically altered rat who knows martial arts, you can't beat that.
00:44:13 They are better trained and more hardcore than the Rainbow Crew.
00:44:15 Well, what about the Megazord?
00:44:17 All right, look.
00:44:19 Every Power Rangers episode has the same damn formula.
00:44:21 One, there's a normal human problem.
00:44:23 Billy's got homework or Kimberly chipped a nail.
00:44:25 Oh, no! Whatever.
00:44:27 Two, some big beastie comes down from outer space and gets fought by the Power Rangers.
00:44:29 Three, the creature gets fucking gigantic.
00:44:31 Four, the Rangers call out the Megazord
00:44:33 and they go all Godzilla on the city,
00:44:35 causing millions in structural and collateral damage.
00:44:37 And five, they finally get around to beating the monster
00:44:39 and somehow manage to translate their success
00:44:41 back to the problem at the beginning of the episode.
00:44:43 Why do they always repeat?
00:44:45 There's no way they can beat the better trained Turtles.
00:44:47 The pattern is because the American show
00:44:49 is comprised of footage from the original Japanese series.
00:44:51 No, he's right.
00:44:53 Bullshit.
00:44:55 No, really, go back and watch the show.
00:44:57 They were smart to use helmets to conceal the actors.
00:44:59 The American show just cannibalized the footage from the Japanese one.
00:45:01 Going all Godzilla was just a result of the Japanese audiences
00:45:03 loving that man in a rubber suit type stuff.
00:45:05 The Yellow Ranger was originally a dude in Japan.
00:45:07 That's why she didn't wear a skirt.
00:45:09 Whatever, they still couldn't beat the Turtles.
00:45:11 But they had the Megazord!
00:45:13 Oh, so you're assuming they can use everything at their disposal?
00:45:15 Yeah, they could fucking stomp the Turtles with a huge fucking robot.
00:45:17 Turtles had a blimp?
00:45:19 Shut up, Eric.
00:45:21 They'd be like pitting a meat covered baby against a...
00:45:23 pit bull.
00:45:25 So they would win.
00:45:27 Shut up, Eric.
00:45:29 Get my pocket knife out here.
00:45:31 What the hell?
00:45:33 Oh, no, that's a midget knife.
00:45:35 Yeah, that's a knife.
00:45:37 Dude, it's a tower.
00:45:39 Seriously, a tower.
00:45:41 You don't see that every day.
00:45:43 Can you imagine this with cannons and knights and shit?
00:45:45 Wow.
00:45:47 Jesus Christ.
00:45:49 How did you ever become a doctor?
00:45:51 Good boys in your veins.
00:45:53 Yeah, yeah.
00:45:55 Fight the fight.
00:45:57 I'll fight the fight.
00:45:59 I'll live for nothing or die for greed.
00:46:01 I gave you an Oscar winning performance last time.
00:46:03 And now you come around and chase me with a camera.
00:46:05 Now I know what it feels like
00:46:07 to have the paparazzi chase you around
00:46:09 because you're so damn popular.
00:46:11 This is Excel.
00:46:13 Yo, yo, yo, my main man Luke here
00:46:15 spawning a 1960 pre-Cold War short stack.
00:46:17 He's been suffering
00:46:19 with his crude cue for some time.
00:46:21 Watch what happens when we take his
00:46:23 limb blocker and turn it into
00:46:25 a pimp blocker.
00:46:27 Is that my locker?
00:46:29 Is that my locker?
00:46:31 That is my locker.
00:46:33 Oh, my God.
00:46:35 Mother...
00:46:37 Check out the spinners.
00:46:39 The spinners.
00:46:41 Oh, my God.
00:46:43 Oh, yeah.
00:46:45 Yeah.
00:46:47 Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
00:46:49 Oh, man, it's so beautiful.
00:46:51 I just want to rub up against it.
00:46:53 Oh, it's amazing.
00:46:55 It's so...
00:46:57 Oh, my God.
00:46:59 The honeys are going to be wanting to put their books
00:47:01 in my locker.
00:47:03 Oh, yeah.
00:47:05 It's the only way I can get through the day.
00:47:07 [sighs]
00:47:09 [sniffing]
00:47:11 [static]
00:47:13 [silence]
00:47:15 [silence]
00:47:17 [silence]
00:47:19 Jeez, man, don't drop it in the house.
00:47:21 Yeah, what are you doing?
00:47:23 I'm trying to see if Lisa's still here.
00:47:25 Why?
00:47:27 Anything?
00:47:29 No. She must really be gone.
00:47:31 I didn't want to embarrass you, Neil,
00:47:33 but now I really don't care.
00:47:35 My bra's back!
00:47:37 Guys, do you know what this means?
00:47:39 To finally have the support you always dreamed of.
00:47:41 No, that I can't sense her anymore.
00:47:43 She must be getting around it somehow.
00:47:45 Maybe you don't sense your ex-girlfriends,
00:47:47 but you only sense people
00:47:49 who think of you as an ex-boyfriend,
00:47:51 which would mean if she's starting to like you again,
00:47:53 you can't sense her.
00:47:55 That's ridiculous.
00:47:57 Get off the couch, Eric.
00:47:59 But--
00:48:01 No, no, no more ridiculous ideas.
00:48:03 I think I'm onto something.
00:48:05 If she's thinking of you as a boyfriend
00:48:07 and all the mushy stuff that comes along with that,
00:48:09 it could definitely explain why you can't sense her.
00:48:11 It'd be like if she doesn't kill me,
00:48:13 let alone while thinking of me as a boyfriend when she doesn't.
00:48:15 Oh, God, this is divine.
00:48:17 TV is so much nicer with luxury seating.
00:48:19 You guys are so lame!
00:48:21 All you do is watch TV!
00:48:23 Neil, I'm leaving!
00:48:25 Sure this time?
00:48:27 Is she really going?
00:48:29 This could be it, Neil. She might really be leaving.
00:48:31 She's upstairs.
00:48:33 Seriously, you gotta just chill out, man.
00:48:35 Come on.
00:48:37 Just relax. Be happy for once.
00:48:39 Matt, will you just--
00:48:41 Uh-oh.
00:48:45 Shit!
00:48:47 She's coming in.
00:48:49 Do something.
00:48:51 What do you want me to do?
00:48:53 Lock the door.
00:48:55 It is locked.
00:48:57 Come on, Eric!
00:48:59 He's been locked.
00:49:01 I thought you said this was locked!
00:49:03 I thought it was locked!
00:49:05 Guys, it is locked. I locked it.
00:49:07 The door is clearly not locked.
00:49:09 Fucking door!
00:49:11 Fucking slumlord!
00:49:13 Damn it, Lisa, just go away!
00:49:15 You guys, it's just me!
00:49:17 Scott?
00:49:19 Jeez, what the hell was that about?
00:49:21 Sorry, I forgot you were coming.
00:49:23 Why didn't you call?
00:49:25 I did call. You weren't picking up your phone.
00:49:27 Me neither.
00:49:29 Oh, great. That's it. I'm done.
00:49:31 What's wrong, Matt?
00:49:33 Shannon?
00:49:35 Yeah, we had the double date tonight, remember?
00:49:37 What's with the security?
00:49:39 Lisa's got a bee in her bonnet.
00:49:41 A bee in her bonnet?
00:49:43 Yeah, like she's pissed off.
00:49:45 Why didn't you just say that?
00:49:47 What did you do to her?
00:49:49 Me? I didn't do anything.
00:49:51 Well, you must have, otherwise she wouldn't be mad.
00:49:53 Why do you have to say it like that?
00:49:55 If I had just listened to her, then she wouldn't be flipping out right now.
00:49:57 She's crazy. Why would I--
00:49:59 Dude, no. Don't.
00:50:01 Sometimes it's just easier.
00:50:03 Good boy.
00:50:05 Now, shall we?
00:50:07 I don't want to be a third wheel. I'm fine just watching TV.
00:50:09 Come on, we have tickets already.
00:50:11 Why don't you just beg Lisa for her forgiveness
00:50:13 and smooth it over with some flowers and chocolate?
00:50:15 Yeah, this can still work out.
00:50:17 You know what, Shannon?
00:50:19 Maybe we can cancel tonight.
00:50:21 There are other things we can do.
00:50:23 No! No, we're not just going to--
00:50:25 [groans]
00:50:27 It's been like this all day, Eric.
00:50:29 Yep.
00:50:31 It's not so bad.
00:50:33 I just think Lisa and Neil aren't completely over.
00:50:35 Wait, they broke up?
00:50:37 Supposedly.
00:50:39 I think that right now, they're more concerned with what each other thinks of the other.
00:50:41 What?
00:50:43 Neil thinks Lisa wants to kill him.
00:50:45 Oh.
00:50:47 Would she?
00:50:49 I think she still loves him.
00:50:51 But Matt would say otherwise.
00:50:53 Not, huh?
00:50:55 Where the fuck are the buttons?
00:51:03 [grunts]
00:51:05 There you go, Shannon.
00:51:07 There you go, Shannon.
00:51:09 Lost your couch privileges, huh?
00:51:23 Yeah.
00:51:25 You, uh, do know there were chairs here, right?
00:51:27 We can't use those.
00:51:29 That would break with tradition.
00:51:31 [sighs]
00:51:35 So...
00:51:37 This is it?
00:51:39 Listen, I don't know how you slipped past the defenses,
00:51:41 but you should be on some double trouble date with Neil and Lisa.
00:51:43 But you screwed that up, and now you're sitting here with us.
00:51:45 Enjoy the privilege.
00:51:47 Wow, I didn't mean to offend your child, Matt.
00:51:49 I just wanted to shed a little light on this matter of obsession,
00:51:51 and not a light coming from a box.
00:51:53 No, you just wanted us to know
00:51:55 that you're against our TV-watching ways.
00:51:57 What's so wrong with this?
00:51:59 What do you got here?
00:52:01 Pizza pie. It's for a TV-watching experience. You want some?
00:52:03 I was talking to Scott.
00:52:05 So, Neil, don't you think I should see what Lisa's doing?
00:52:07 He's fine right here,
00:52:09 watching some top-notch programming.
00:52:11 I was talking to Neil.
00:52:13 I really don't think it's such a good idea.
00:52:15 Besides, Matt says this is for the best.
00:52:17 Well, Matt also thinks that toasted bread has fewer calories.
00:52:19 A toaster burns some of them away.
00:52:21 This is what I'm trying to say.
00:52:23 That toasted bread has fewer calories?
00:52:25 No, that Neil shouldn't be led around by Matt.
00:52:27 I'm not leading him around.
00:52:29 Oh, yeah? Well, then why doesn't Neil try getting back together with her?
00:52:31 She told me things were really heating up between you two.
00:52:33 I bet they were heating up.
00:52:35 What is that supposed to mean?
00:52:37 Look, girls think every relationship is some kind of firework show.
00:52:39 Like, every love is supposed to be a set of rose-petal trails and palms.
00:52:41 It's a fabrication by the media,
00:52:43 depicting a world of rainbows and lollipops,
00:52:45 making it real tough on guys everywhere.
00:52:47 Sometimes guys just want to hang out with guys,
00:52:49 kick it back, shoot the shit.
00:52:51 What is so wrong with that?
00:52:53 If guys worked a little harder at what they claim to love,
00:52:55 then there wouldn't be trouble in love land.
00:52:57 Guys are too preoccupied with
00:52:59 what their next meal is or when the next TV show is on
00:53:01 to give a damn about a relationship.
00:53:03 Hey!
00:53:05 Is that my Scott?
00:53:07 That's because Scott is whipped beyond belief.
00:53:09 No, he's not.
00:53:11 He totally is. You got him whipped to be the boy you want him to be.
00:53:13 Matt, you're just jealous.
00:53:15 Yeah.
00:53:17 Yeah, sure. I want to be dressed like Scott.
00:53:19 I read your book the other day, by the way. "The Whipping Boy."
00:53:21 You don't read books, Matt.
00:53:23 Good one, Eric.
00:53:25 Scott, tell him you're not whipped.
00:53:27 Well...
00:53:29 Tell him.
00:53:31 I'm not whipped!
00:53:33 See?
00:53:35 Wow. Yeah, you proved me wrong.
00:53:37 That was kind of...
00:53:39 Gross?
00:53:41 What?
00:53:43 You just bent over backwards for her, Scott.
00:53:45 I thought you were going to put up a struggle or something,
00:53:47 but you snapped like a twig bridge.
00:53:49 Oh, I did not bend for her.
00:53:51 Dude, you totally did.
00:53:53 No, he didn't.
00:53:55 Guys?
00:53:57 Jeez, Scott.
00:53:59 Stop.
00:54:01 I'm sorry you have to see this, Eric. This is not a good model for a growing boy.
00:54:03 Matt, you are something else.
00:54:05 You think that you're the ringleader
00:54:07 now that Neil is out of a girlfriend.
00:54:09 Well, he didn't make her flip out.
00:54:11 Yeah, well, he might as well have.
00:54:13 Matt's sense of being in a relationship is that he's made out with a cup of MD
00:54:15 more times than he needs to.
00:54:17 You have no...
00:54:19 Me what?
00:54:21 It's sort of unsettling knowing that this couch has seen more ass
00:54:23 than you ever will.
00:54:25 You have no idea what you're talking about.
00:54:29 Oh, no? Have I struck a nerve with you, Matt?
00:54:31 I just want you to get a little taste
00:54:33 of your own medicine.
00:54:35 Jeez, Scott, you're good, man.
00:54:37 Shut up, Eric.
00:54:39 Oh, that's original. Pick on a little guy to boost yourself up.
00:54:41 Are you done yet?
00:54:43 Do you like it?
00:54:45 Like what?
00:54:47 The satisfaction of making other people's lives feel broken and imperfect,
00:54:49 thus completing your own.
00:54:51 Come on, Shannon.
00:54:53 No.
00:54:55 I just think we've had these tickets forever,
00:54:57 and Matt's gone and ruined
00:54:59 Neil's relationship for his own satisfaction.
00:55:01 I didn't ruin anything.
00:55:03 Well, you did tell him to start trying to lead his life
00:55:05 without Lisa.
00:55:07 I didn't make the decision for him.
00:55:09 But you had a big influence. I'm just trying to bring that to light.
00:55:11 That's what I've been hearing,
00:55:13 but Matt over here is too deaf and dumb to take it to heart.
00:55:15 Yeah, if I thought what you said
00:55:17 made any sort of sense, I wouldn't do this.
00:55:19 Now you see, what we have here
00:55:21 is the beautiful Worcester skyline, covered in trees.
00:55:23 But thanks to the saving grace of the Asian longhorn beetle,
00:55:25 these godawful obstructions
00:55:27 will soon be gone. Forever.
00:55:29 Come on, get out of here.
00:55:31 I'm working on that damn thing.
00:55:33 Anthony, you got the lowest score on the test.
00:55:35 I'm afraid you'll never be a doctor.
00:55:37 (imitates dog barking)
00:55:39 Cal, Cal, give me your diploma.
00:55:41 You wouldn't have had a hot damn camera.
00:55:43 Captain freaking video.
00:55:45 All right, are you done now?
00:55:47 Yo, this ain't your grandmama's show.
00:55:49 It's Dope TV.
00:55:51 Just call up, and we'll do sh--.
00:55:53 1-800-DOPE-TV.
00:55:55 What, that's not enough numbers?
00:55:57 Put a pound sign in there.
00:55:59 Anywhere. We'll figure it out.
00:56:01 Dope TV!
00:56:03 Hmm.
00:56:05 Now's my chance.
00:56:07 Scott and Shannon have never played this before.
00:56:09 They won't know what hit 'em.
00:56:11 What if I don't make it?
00:56:13 I will.
00:56:15 I will.
00:56:17 I'll do it.
00:56:19 I sure could use a drink.
00:56:21 (heartbeat)
00:56:23 What?
00:56:43 How?
00:56:45 Take the walk, Eric.
00:56:47 I'm sorry, Eric. You know you don't have to do this.
00:56:49 Matt says it's the rules.
00:56:51 I was the last one to touch my nose.
00:56:53 Matt also says that dogs roll around in the dirt for minerals.
00:56:55 Really?
00:56:57 Well, then how do they get such nice shiny coats, then?
00:56:59 The point is, you don't have to be listening to him.
00:57:01 Yeah, maybe.
00:57:03 But this is how it is.
00:57:05 See?
00:57:11 I made a choice for him.
00:57:13 Well, you could have influenced him to make the right decision.
00:57:15 What is right, anyway? He's got you there.
00:57:17 Scott, don't team up with him.
00:57:19 Neil, haven't you had enough of this?
00:57:21 I don't think this situation is improving.
00:57:23 Why aren't you listening to Eric?
00:57:25 Eric?
00:57:27 I tried, and it just stirred up some old flames.
00:57:29 Maybe I don't think Lisa's ever gonna change.
00:57:31 Besides, what's wrong with all this?
00:57:33 This? This slump of mindlessness?
00:57:35 Hey, watch it, all right?
00:57:37 You're turning on thin ice.
00:57:39 I can't even be talking about it.
00:57:41 Sphere of entertainment? Don't make it sound so vegal.
00:57:43 This place has been tuned to perform at its peak level.
00:57:45 You blocked the windows with posters.
00:57:47 Well, there is a nasty glare without them.
00:57:49 You have a giant-ass remote that you talk to.
00:57:51 Hey, whoa! Don't talk about Howie that way.
00:57:53 Yeah, he's family.
00:57:55 I'm just saying that this sphere isn't offering an environment to grow.
00:57:59 Come on, Shannon, this is kind of nice. You know, it's quiet, quaint.
00:58:01 I mean, we don't really sit around like this that often.
00:58:03 We're always doing...
00:58:05 stuff.
00:58:07 This is why I don't let you watch TV. It sucks you in.
00:58:09 That's why I don't let you go back to Lisa.
00:58:11 See? You are holding him back.
00:58:13 She's just gonna continue to hate and hurt until she gets her stuff back.
00:58:15 Then why don't you just give it all back, then?
00:58:17 Yeah, lure her back here and just smack her.
00:58:19 You want me to go to jail, dude?
00:58:21 Hey, just don't call me, remember?
00:58:23 Matt, you're terrible.
00:58:25 I mean, aren't there equal rights nowadays?
00:58:27 Oh, you would say that, you caveman.
00:58:29 Hey, just saying.
00:58:31 Well, you shouldn't.
00:58:33 Say something, Scott.
00:58:35 Yeah, Matt, don't...
00:58:37 say such things.
00:58:39 I'm just saying.
00:58:41 If I had to deal with someone like Lisa,
00:58:43 I could take a smack every now and then when they're out of line.
00:58:45 Equal rights means equal opportunity to defend oneself.
00:58:47 Yeah, I don't think it works like that.
00:58:49 I mean, just because you, you know, spend time with your lover,
00:58:51 you know, listen to her wants and needs,
00:58:53 you know, you can just put some tampons in your pocket
00:58:55 for her once in a while.
00:58:57 It doesn't give you the right to beat a woman.
00:58:59 Tampons in the pocket?
00:59:03 Dude.
00:59:05 What?
00:59:07 There are just some lines that shouldn't be crossed.
00:59:09 You put tampons in your pocket.
00:59:11 You make him put tampons in his pocket.
00:59:13 When we go hiking or wherever, a purse would be a burden.
00:59:15 Well, don't touch them!
00:59:17 Dude, that's not the point.
00:59:19 That's a violation of your personal space.
00:59:21 You're violating his personal space.
00:59:23 What is the big deal?
00:59:25 What if you get pulled over by the cops or something
00:59:27 and they search you?
00:59:29 You're gonna look like some kind of weirdo.
00:59:31 Not like you look like a dead dog carrier.
00:59:33 Scott, don't!
00:59:35 Oh, it's about her? Do tell.
00:59:37 Happened back in Beantown.
00:59:39 Shannon carries around dead dogs. You carry around dead dogs.
00:59:41 It's more than just that.
00:59:43 How can it be more than that?
00:59:45 It has to do with my friend's dog.
00:59:47 While I was dog-sitting it, it died.
00:59:49 I put the dog into some luggage
00:59:51 to take it to the vet, and
00:59:53 as I was getting out to the subway,
00:59:55 a guy stopped to help me because I was struggling.
00:59:57 And why am I even telling you this?
00:59:59 Oh, you're too far in. You can't stop now.
01:00:01 I don't want Matt to hear it.
01:00:03 Just cover your ears.
01:00:05 Well,
01:00:07 he asked me why I had such heavy luggage
01:00:09 and I told him it was computer parts.
01:00:11 And when I got to my stop,
01:00:13 I went to thank him,
01:00:15 and he punched me in the face, and he took the luggage,
01:00:17 and he ran.
01:00:19 He punched you in the face?
01:00:21 Damn it, Matt!
01:00:23 He really punched you in the face?
01:00:25 Yeah, he did.
01:00:27 What did the guy seem like? Was he sketchy-looking?
01:00:29 No, the guy was in a suit and tie. It was totally unexpected.
01:00:31 You.
01:00:33 Like I must think you're some kind of freak carrying around dead dogs.
01:00:35 Oh, my God.
01:00:37 You're gonna get remembered as the girl who carries around dead dogs forever.
01:00:39 It just goes to show you that men are up to no good.
01:00:41 No, it just goes to show you
01:00:43 that you should have defended your limits
01:00:45 and told your friends to go pick up their own damn dead dog.
01:00:47 See, Neil, this is why you shouldn't be getting back with Lisa.
01:00:49 She's just gonna end up killing your dog.
01:00:51 Well, I don't have a dog.
01:00:53 Yeah, and you don't have tampons in your pockets, either.
01:00:55 I don't want that.
01:00:57 Scott, let's salvage this night and go see that play.
01:00:59 Do we have to?
01:01:01 Yes, Scott!
01:01:03 Look at this place.
01:01:05 What does it have that makes you want to stay in this dump?
01:01:07 The cave of entertainment.
01:01:09 Come on, Scott. I'm done here.
01:01:11 You're blocking the damn TV.
01:01:13 Scott, we're leaving.
01:01:15 You know what? I think I'm gonna stay.
01:01:17 Call a girlfriend to go out with you.
01:01:19 Excuse me?
01:01:21 Dude, reconsider.
01:01:23 I don't know what you're trying to pull here, Matt,
01:01:25 but I have worked too hard on this one
01:01:27 to let some brain box pose a bigger influence on him than me.
01:01:31 Scott.
01:01:33 Just go. Save us. This could get worse.
01:01:35 I just want to watch TV with the guys.
01:01:37 Yeah, you want that?
01:01:39 Yeah, I do.
01:01:41 Yeah? Grab your ear, then.
01:01:43 And you two, you better stop watching this thing
01:01:45 before you choke on stupid.
01:01:47 Stupid!
01:01:49 (groaning)
01:01:51 (clinking)
01:01:53 (groaning)
01:01:55 Eric, we're leaving.
01:02:01 What?
01:02:03 Larry Singer is on next. We love him.
01:02:05 Do you really like being here with them?
01:02:07 You know, Shannon,
01:02:09 sometimes it's just easier.
01:02:11 Yeah, and cheaper sometimes, too.
01:02:13 Scott, we're going.
01:02:15 Yes, ma'am.
01:02:17 Boys.
01:02:19 We have a unique bond here.
01:02:21 Maybe you just can't see it.
01:02:23 I just know what works for me and Scott.
01:02:25 But I want you to think about
01:02:27 what you could be missing in the rest of the world.
01:02:29 We're making our own memories here.
01:02:31 What's so good about the rest of the world?
01:02:33 What about...
01:02:35 starting a relationship and having a family?
01:02:37 I have a family.
01:02:39 One where their IQ passes their age.
01:02:41 I like my friends.
01:02:43 You like your couch spot, too.
01:02:45 Yeah.
01:02:47 I'm just saying,
01:02:49 I think Matt's been shaken up
01:02:51 with a woman on his turf.
01:02:53 Maybe with his defenses down,
01:02:55 you can get your point across to Neil.
01:02:57 Eric, Singer's starting.
01:02:59 Coming.
01:03:01 Bye, Shannon.
01:03:03 Hey, Eric.
01:03:07 How's the M.D.?
01:03:09 Just fine, Matt.
01:03:11 Gotta pick your battles, man.
01:03:13 So they gone or what?
01:03:15 Yeah, they're gone.
01:03:17 Man, I was getting worried.
01:03:19 I hate having to defend my sphere from women.
01:03:21 Matt, what's a chode?
01:03:23 What?
01:03:25 Before, you called me a chode.
01:03:27 What's that?
01:03:29 Ah, geez. Well, it's like a...
01:03:31 It's like a...
01:03:33 It's a chode.
01:03:35 It's like, um...
01:03:37 It's sort of like...
01:03:39 Kind of...
01:03:41 Down here or something?
01:03:43 Like, I guess...
01:03:45 What the hell is that? That doesn't tell me shit.
01:03:47 Well, screw you. It's hard to describe.
01:03:49 Sure as hell try.
01:03:51 No way. I'm just taking a page out of your book.
01:03:53 You can't do that.
01:03:55 I just did, you stupid chode.
01:03:57 What do you even want to know, anyway?
01:03:59 'Cause I keep a list of everything you call me on my blog.
01:04:01 I can't even tell if you're serious or not.
01:04:03 You know, it's kind of reminding me of a fish head.
01:04:05 You know, a chode of a fish head.
01:04:07 I was there to help you out.
01:04:09 Alright, look. I got it. Remember Brian from school?
01:04:11 Who?
01:04:13 Brian. He was all, like, tiny and deformed.
01:04:15 Had, like, short arms and fingers and shit like that.
01:04:17 Oh, yeah. Didn't he have some rare deformation that screwed with his bones?
01:04:19 I don't know.
01:04:21 Anyway, he's chodey.
01:04:23 Huh. Well, I'm still not really clear on what a chode is,
01:04:25 but I guess I'll just think of Brian whenever I hear it.
01:04:27 Great.
01:04:29 Poor guy can't go one day without someone using his physical deformations as an example.
01:04:31 If it gets used as an example, it helps the learning process.
01:04:33 If it gets used as an example, it helps the learning process.
01:04:35 He shouldn't always be painted in a negative light like that.
01:04:37 Now Eric's going to think of Brian every time he hears "chode."
01:04:39 Sorry. Object association is the best way to remember it.
01:04:41 It's how I do it.
01:04:43 What, do you associate girls with, like,
01:04:45 knives or paint or something?
01:04:47 No way. Above all that, my wallet.
01:04:49 I just got to remember how much girls I actually require.
01:04:51 Unless you find one with a good rate.
01:04:53 Of course.
01:04:55 You ever think that letting a girl into your life
01:04:57 might actually change it for the better?
01:04:59 No.
01:05:01 Couldn't picture a man with a significant other.
01:05:03 Unless he was totally succumbing to his demands.
01:05:05 I mean, unable to stay quiet.
01:05:07 Unable to react quickly to changing circumstances.
01:05:09 Like a computer.
01:05:11 So you're saying I need a robot girlfriend?
01:05:13 Oh yeah.
01:05:15 I'm sure your thumb drive will fit her USB port just fine.
01:05:17 At least I'm not like Brian.
01:05:19 Chode?
01:05:21 Oh, come on.
01:05:23 Look, all I'm saying is, he's so short and squat.
01:05:25 Reminds me of a dwarf.
01:05:27 I thought he was a chode.
01:05:29 Same thing. Just my thumb drive functions way better than his tunic and dick.
01:05:31 What?
01:05:33 Dwarves are so chodey and squat and short,
01:05:35 they gotta have tunic and dicks.
01:05:37 I'll never look at Gimli the same way again.
01:05:39 Yeah, just a fact of life.
01:05:41 Poor guy. It's gotta be tough handling a thumb nose like that.
01:05:43 He probably deals with it the same way
01:05:45 we all deal with our small problems.
01:05:47 Reading a book.
01:05:49 Just kidding.
01:05:53 You know what?
01:05:55 Let's bring him out. Let's bring him out here.
01:05:57 Yeah!
01:05:59 Bullshit!
01:06:01 Bullshit!
01:06:03 He's my man. He's my man.
01:06:05 Just because you were born a man.
01:06:07 You want a resolution?
01:06:09 Let's get a resolution.
01:06:11 That's resolution.
01:06:13 That is resolution.
01:06:15 Oh, oh, oh, think about it.
01:06:17 Bullshit.
01:06:19 That's my dick.
01:06:21 That's my dick.
01:06:23 You're a fucking girl.
01:06:25 You're a fucking girl.
01:06:27 You're a fucking dick.
01:06:29 I'll beat you up.
01:06:31 No, I'll throw this chick.
01:06:33 I'll throw this chick.
01:06:35 Don't, man.
01:06:37 We'll be right back.
01:06:39 Wow.
01:06:41 There's so much swearing on this show.
01:06:43 Why do they have to beep it out?
01:06:45 Yeah, I know. We know what they're saying.
01:06:47 Why can't they just let it go?
01:06:49 It's probably just a cultural preservation thing
01:06:51 to keep the public away from it for as long as fucking possible.
01:06:53 Yeah, but it cuts with the dialogue
01:06:55 and makes everyone sound like a robot.
01:06:57 In that case, R2-D2 probably cusses like a fucking sailor.
01:06:59 All he does is bloop and bleep.
01:07:01 What?
01:07:03 Think about it. If all the other bots could speak,
01:07:05 why wouldn't they put voice modulators into the R2 models?
01:07:07 He probably didn't need one.
01:07:09 I mean, wasn't his job just to talk to the ships?
01:07:11 The R2 models must have been programmed to cuss like hell
01:07:13 and to preserve the culture of the galaxy.
01:07:15 They were all bleeped.
01:07:17 So you're saying that every time R2-D2 makes any noises,
01:07:19 he's cussing like a truck driver?
01:07:21 R2, shut down all the garbage compactors on the detention levels.
01:07:23 All down.
01:07:25 Aw, hell no. I'm not sticking my fucking dick into another fucking computer.
01:07:27 Last time I did that, I got a fucking virus, you son of a bitch.
01:07:29 You hacked that shit yourself, you asshole.
01:07:31 Wow.
01:07:33 That's disturbing.
01:07:35 Oh, right, R2.
01:07:37 We'll take care of everything.
01:07:39 Yeah, you better, you fucking...
01:07:41 Seriously, what the fuck?
01:07:43 I used to have my jets. Where the hell did they go?
01:07:45 I want my flamethrower back.
01:07:47 I can't do shit with this little fucking taser thing I got.
01:07:49 I used to fucking fly. Can you believe that?
01:07:51 You have any idea how fucking annoying that is
01:07:53 to roll around when I could fucking fly at one point?
01:07:55 God damn it, you tell them to suck my fucking little metal dick.
01:07:57 (mimics jet engine)
01:07:59 If only you used your time for something more constructive.
01:08:01 Yeah, if I had 10% of the free time you have,
01:08:03 I'd have like, seven extra hours in my day.
01:08:05 You're saying my days have 70 hours in them?
01:08:07 Yeah.
01:08:09 Yeah, you're that lazy.
01:08:11 Okay, whatever.
01:08:13 Can I get back on the couch now?
01:08:15 Sorry, Eric. The couch is for winners.
01:08:17 No, he's right.
01:08:19 Bullshit.
01:08:21 I am sick and tired of this, Matt.
01:08:25 You are not right. Turn off the TV.
01:08:27 Fuck no.
01:08:29 Hey, hey, what the fuck?
01:08:31 I've tried to be nice, but I don't think I can take it anymore.
01:08:33 Eric, turn the fucking TV off.
01:08:35 Quiet! Do you hear that?
01:08:37 No, it's completely quiet.
01:08:39 No, listen.
01:08:41 God.
01:08:43 It is quiet.
01:08:47 Maybe Lisa's really gone.
01:08:49 Exactly. They can watch TV in peace.
01:08:51 No, Matt. I have to do this.
01:08:53 Maybe she's still here.
01:08:55 And maybe she's not.
01:08:57 Maybe we should go check.
01:08:59 I still think there's something here, Neil.
01:09:01 You and Lisa have been longing for each other,
01:09:03 but you express it through your anger.
01:09:05 It's too dangerous. This could all be part of her plan.
01:09:07 Or in your case, it's paranoia.
01:09:09 I listened to you before, Eric. What's going to change now?
01:09:11 You, Neil. You have to change.
01:09:13 You can't keep wanting what other people want you to want.
01:09:15 You have to want whatever it is that you really do want.
01:09:17 What?
01:09:19 A life of fear is a life half-lived.
01:09:21 It sounds to me like you don't want Lisa to be gone.
01:09:23 Aren't you at least curious whether she wants you back or not?
01:09:25 Or do you just want to watch some more TV?
01:09:27 No way, Neil. Look. This is for the better, alright?
01:09:29 You can watch way more TV without her.
01:09:31 Don't you want more than that, Neil?
01:09:33 I do.
01:09:35 What if she's waiting for you right now?
01:09:37 I have to go get her.
01:09:39 Well, she's certainly not going to come to you.
01:09:41 She's been trying, but you keep the door locked.
01:09:43 I don't want to get in trouble, Eric.
01:09:45 It doesn't matter what I want. I just want to help you make the right choice.
01:09:47 We should check if she's still here.
01:09:49 Matt, go get the door.
01:09:51 Eric, check that window. I'll get this one.
01:09:53 Ready? Go.
01:09:55 Clear!
01:10:03 Clear.
01:10:05 All clear here, too.
01:10:11 I guess she's really gone.
01:10:13 I wonder where she went.
01:10:15 Who cares? Seriously, dude.
01:10:17 It's probably just post-traumatic breakup residue or something.
01:10:19 It'll pass.
01:10:21 Look, we got a good thing here. Let's just keep it forever, yeah?
01:10:23 I just thought I was onto something.
01:10:25 Jeez, Bruce. Thanks for coming out here on such short notice to see me.
01:10:29 I know you have that deadline for that new office building next Monday,
01:10:33 and your car just got totally wooden.
01:10:35 Hey, I only had to take two buses and a cab to get here.
01:10:37 You're worth it.
01:10:39 Thanks. I just really needed to talk to someone.
01:10:41 I can see that.
01:10:43 You sounded distressed when I talked to her on the phone.
01:10:45 Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that.
01:10:47 I just want to talk to someone else about anything else.
01:10:51 Okay, how about politics?
01:10:53 No way! Politics are terrible.
01:10:55 It's about who has the most pool or the most money.
01:10:57 It's not even a representation of the people anymore.
01:10:59 Don't even get me started.
01:11:01 Okay, fine.
01:11:03 How about superpowers?
01:11:05 Oh, yeah?
01:11:07 What about them?
01:11:09 I've just always had this theory that
01:11:11 everyone has a secret power hidden inside of them.
01:11:13 You mean how Bruce Wayne is really Batman?
01:11:17 No, even less than that.
01:11:19 I just think that everyone has something inside of them,
01:11:21 like a power or a talent.
01:11:23 Besides, Batman isn't a superhero.
01:11:25 So, it's something you're born with.
01:11:29 Yeah. Maybe something trivial,
01:11:31 like the ability to always know where your car keys are.
01:11:33 Or maybe something so great
01:11:35 that the government has to snatch you up
01:11:37 and erase your existence.
01:11:39 But I think everyone has something.
01:11:41 Right.
01:11:43 Surely you have some evidence to back this up.
01:11:45 Well, take my power, for instance.
01:11:47 Your power to make little babies cry by looking at them?
01:11:51 No, silly.
01:11:53 I have the power to instill desire in females.
01:11:55 Oh, you're serious?
01:12:03 Fat lot that did you.
01:12:05 You're still a virgin.
01:12:07 That's by choice.
01:12:09 Well, how come you've never used this on me?
01:12:11 Because it goes against my superhero code of ethics.
01:12:13 I would never enchant a taken woman.
01:12:17 Let's not bring him into this.
01:12:19 Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.
01:12:21 I was just trying to prove my power.
01:12:23 Well, I'll be honest with you.
01:12:25 You're not doing a very good job.
01:12:27 It seems like all men think they have this power
01:12:29 by force or wealth.
01:12:31 Well, if you ask me,
01:12:33 I enjoy a man who needs his woman.
01:12:35 Who can't sleep if she's not next to him.
01:12:37 A pushover.
01:12:41 A romantic.
01:12:43 Huh?
01:12:45 Hey!
01:12:47 Did you notice anything strange about that?
01:12:49 That people in the city would step on you
01:12:51 as soon as they look at you?
01:12:53 No.
01:12:55 What we just saw was a byproduct of Homeless Al's superpower.
01:12:57 His power to live off baked beans and brandy?
01:12:59 No.
01:13:01 Judging by his survival rate,
01:13:03 Homeless Al has the ability to survive hypothermia every night.
01:13:05 Which is a pretty good superpower for a homeless guy.
01:13:07 But it comes at great cost.
01:13:09 Ooh, the plot thickens.
01:13:11 Yep.
01:13:13 No one seems to notice him as they walk by.
01:13:15 To the point where they stumble over him
01:13:17 because he's practically invisible.
01:13:19 A tragic superhero flaw.
01:13:21 So instead of proving that everyone has a superpower,
01:13:23 you just proved that everyone in the city
01:13:25 has a superpower.
01:13:27 And you just proved that everyone in the city
01:13:29 is an asshole. Congratulations.
01:13:31 Alright, well, take Nelson here.
01:13:33 Nelson?
01:13:35 Ooh, does he share your power over women?
01:13:37 No.
01:13:39 Nelson has the ability to instantly transform
01:13:41 his environment into a Kung Fu movie.
01:13:43 I have yet to see it,
01:13:49 but someday it will be a spectacle to behold.
01:13:51 Okay.
01:13:53 Let's say I believe you.
01:13:55 What would my superpower be?
01:13:57 I've always wanted to be in a musical,
01:13:59 or blow up my ex-boyfriend with my brains.
01:14:01 Well, that's radically different.
01:14:03 Um, but how about
01:14:05 something more useful?
01:14:07 Like the ability to move on.
01:14:09 Let go.
01:14:11 Let go? Like,
01:14:13 let go of my hands around his throat?
01:14:15 No, I mean, turn the other cheek.
01:14:17 Look to greener pastures.
01:14:19 Go out with someone who thinks you're smart,
01:14:21 funny, and beautiful.
01:14:23 I'm not giving up without a fight.
01:14:25 Well, maybe that someone is right in front of you, and you haven't even noticed it yet.
01:14:27 Huh?
01:14:29 Sorry, I was thinking.
01:14:31 God, I must have hit you hard when he dumped you.
01:14:33 Is that what he's telling people?
01:14:35 I dumped him.
01:14:37 What? Are you kidding me?
01:14:39 Then why are you still stalking the poor bastard?
01:14:41 Um, I can't say.
01:14:43 Look, Lisa, I mean this in the nicest way possible.
01:14:45 You need psychiatric help.
01:14:47 The only reason that you still pursue someone,
01:14:49 someone that you dumped,
01:14:51 is that you have serious mental issues.
01:14:53 Or that you still seriously like the person.
01:14:55 I think you need to move on.
01:14:57 Hmm.
01:14:59 I never thought about it that way.
01:15:01 You're right.
01:15:03 Yeah?
01:15:05 Yeah.
01:15:07 I don't know how I could have been so blind.
01:15:09 Lisa, I...
01:15:11 It was never about getting my stuff back.
01:15:13 Thanks for everything.
01:15:15 I'm sorry.
01:15:17 I'm sorry.
01:15:19 Thanks, Bruce.
01:15:21 Lisa, wait! I...
01:15:27 Fuck!
01:15:29 Fuck!
01:15:31 [Guitar playing]
01:15:33 [Guitar playing]
01:15:35 [Guitar playing]
01:15:37 [Guitar playing]
01:15:39 (guitar playing)
01:15:41 (guitar playing)
01:15:44 (guitar playing)
01:15:47 (singing in foreign language)
01:15:54 (upbeat music)
01:16:13 (upbeat music)
01:16:15 - Lisa!
01:16:24 - Neil, take me back.
01:16:27 - You mean it?
01:16:28 I knew there was a reason my ex-girlfriend
01:16:30 sense wasn't tingling anymore.
01:16:32 Must be because you really love me.
01:16:34 - How could I ever leave you?
01:16:35 - How could I ever let you go?
01:16:36 (upbeat music)
01:16:41 - No, Neil, no!
01:16:42 - You two, Eric, shut the fuck up!
01:16:45 - My remote!
01:16:51 You're keeping this too?
01:16:55 Steal my stuff?
01:16:59 And this is for my bra.
01:17:06 I haven't been able to change my channels, Neil.
01:17:10 (speaking in foreign language)
01:17:13 I thought you might have changed,
01:17:14 but you still only care about TV.
01:17:16 - But I have changed, I'm choosing you.
01:17:18 - Damn it, Neil, you are never going to change.
01:17:21 I have done everything for you, Neil,
01:17:23 and you just sit and be controlled.
01:17:26 Well, not anymore.
01:17:27 - Lisa, no!
01:17:32 - Howie, no!
01:17:33 - Lisa!
01:17:34 - Howie!
01:17:35 - Lisa!
01:17:35 - Howie!
01:17:36 She took the remote.
01:17:37 You can't change this shit.
01:17:39 It's not even TV.
01:17:40 - Damn you and your TV.
01:17:42 - It's what got me in this mess in the first place.
01:17:43 - Hey, it's what we have together, dude.
01:17:45 - Yeah, don't blame him and the TV.
01:17:46 This is your fault.
01:17:47 - Shut up, Eric.
01:17:48 - Don't pass the blame around.
01:17:49 You're the one who lost everything,
01:17:50 so do something about it.
01:17:51 If you want Lisa, go get her.
01:17:53 - Forget that, go get Howie.
01:17:54 - Damn it, dude.
01:17:59 I was just trying to show you
01:18:00 that it's your decision to make.
01:18:02 - Come on, man, now we got nothing.
01:18:05 We kept this together, it's gone.
01:18:07 - You know, maybe Lisa is a little left kilter,
01:18:09 but I can't tell you if you love her or not.
01:18:11 - Forget this, man.
01:18:14 God damn it, Neil.
01:18:15 (upbeat music)
01:18:20 (upbeat music)
01:18:23 - Me too.
01:18:38 (upbeat music)
01:18:40 (upbeat music)
01:18:43 (upbeat music)
01:18:46 (upbeat music)
01:18:48 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:06 (upbeat music)
01:19:09 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:31 (upbeat music)
01:19:33 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:37 (upbeat music)
01:19:40 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:44 (upbeat music)
01:19:46 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:52 (upbeat music)
01:19:55 (singing in foreign language)
01:19:59 (upbeat music)
01:20:01 (singing in foreign language)
01:20:05 (upbeat music)
01:20:30 (upbeat music)
01:20:33 - Stop the cab.
01:20:37 (upbeat music)
01:20:40 Neil, you came back.
01:20:53 - I had to.
01:20:54 I had a big choice to make,
01:20:56 and you were a really big part in it.
01:20:59 (upbeat music)
01:21:01 - Damn it.
01:21:05 Can't believe this.
01:21:07 My sphere's been under siege all day, and now I'm ruined.
01:21:10 - Yeah, I'm gonna miss the three of us hanging out.
01:21:13 - Why the hell did you spur him on in the first place?
01:21:17 - I felt like this was bigger than we could perceive.
01:21:19 It'd be selfish to keep him here for our own reasons,
01:21:21 and I wanted to help him make the right choice,
01:21:24 whatever it was.
01:21:25 - Oh, great.
01:21:27 But I wonder what Brian's up to.
01:21:31 - Who?
01:21:32 - Jode.
01:21:32 - Oh, yeah.
01:21:33 Matt, I'm sorry.
01:21:37 I didn't mean to break up our trio.
01:21:39 - Whatever, look, I just knew girls
01:21:42 were more trouble than they're worth.
01:21:44 - You probably just have to find the right one.
01:21:46 - What, like Lisa?
01:21:48 I have no idea what Neil even sees in her.
01:21:50 God, why the hell did you put him up to this, Eric?
01:21:52 - That's what I've been saying.
01:21:53 I don't think either of us knows what's best for him.
01:21:57 - Oh, look, here come the lovebirds now.
01:22:00 Crazy psycho bitch.
01:22:11 (upbeat music)
01:22:16 (upbeat music)
01:22:19 (upbeat music)
01:22:21 (singing in foreign language)
01:22:33 (singing in foreign language)
01:22:37 (singing in foreign language)
01:22:41 - Done good, Neil.
01:23:02 Now we can eat.
01:23:03 - Fuck.
01:23:08 (laughing)
01:23:12 (upbeat music)
01:23:18 (upbeat music)
01:23:24 (upbeat music)
01:23:27 (upbeat music)
01:23:30 (upbeat music)
01:23:32 (upbeat music)
01:23:35 (upbeat music)
01:23:37 (upbeat music)
01:23:50 (singing in foreign language)
01:24:04 (singing in foreign language)
01:24:08 (singing in foreign language)
01:24:12 (upbeat music)
01:24:15 (singing in foreign language)
01:24:29 (upbeat music)
01:24:58 - Damn, with all this pizza pie, I sure could use a drink.
01:25:01 Shit.
01:25:05 [BLANK_AUDIO]