Hawmps 1976

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00:00:00 [SILENCE]

00:00:11 [DRUMMING]

00:00:14 [DRUMMING]

00:00:18 [DRUMMING]

00:00:46 Throw down them firearms and reach for the sky,

00:00:49 or I'll blow your hide to kingdom come and feed

00:00:51 your heart to the buzzards.

00:00:52 [DOG BARKING]

00:00:55 [CHUCKLING]

00:00:57 Yes, sir.

00:00:58 You had to talk real mean to them outlaws back then,

00:01:01 even when you had the drop on them.

00:01:02 What did they do then, Grandpa?

00:01:05 They surrendered.

00:01:08 Of course, we had them outnumbered almost 50 to 1,

00:01:11 but with outlaws, you can't be too careful.

00:01:15 Some of them were dumber than Tex.

00:01:17 Were most people outlaws back then?

00:01:19 Oh, not really.

00:01:21 Not really.

00:01:22 Texas had some bad, bad men, but there were some good men, too.

00:01:27 Brave men who were willing to sacrifice whatever was

00:01:30 necessary to tame the West.

00:01:32 Miss Flanagan told us there was a railroad that tamed the West.

00:01:35 Railroad?

00:01:36 Poppycock.

00:01:37 Railroad just slowed things down.

00:01:40 Dirty, filthy iron horse making noise, belching,

00:01:43 smoking, dirtying up the air.

00:01:46 I'll tell you a story about the railroad.

00:01:48 It all started back when Jeff Davis was Secretary of the War,

00:01:52 and I was but a young lieutenant.

00:01:56 [DOG BARKING]

00:01:59 Oh, I-- I see I've told you that one, have I?

00:02:02 Yes, sir.

00:02:03 We like it, because you always tell it different.

00:02:05 Well, no point in telling the story if it--

00:02:09 if it ain't going to be interesting.

00:02:11 Now, where was I?

00:02:12 You were but a young lieutenant.

00:02:15 Ah, yes.

00:02:17 A young lieutenant out of Washington, DC,

00:02:19 where the air was filled with rumors

00:02:21 about an important experiment to take

00:02:23 place on the Texas frontier.

00:02:26 Davis had given orders to Colonel Randolph

00:02:29 Zachary to find a courageous, quick-witted, daring officer

00:02:34 to take charge of the mission.

00:02:37 Not me.

00:02:39 Not on your life.

00:02:41 You obviously didn't hear me, Major.

00:02:44 The camel can carry loads of almost 2,000 pounds,

00:02:47 and endurance--

00:02:48 I won't do it.

00:02:51 Major, this is the military, and you have your orders.

00:02:54 Those aren't my orders.

00:02:55 Those orders have a blank where the name's supposed to go.

00:02:58 I know you've been talking to every officer in Washington

00:03:00 and pulling every political trick in the book

00:03:01 to get some schnook to take this thing,

00:03:04 and I'm saying what they all said--

00:03:06 no, no, no.

00:03:08 Come on, Bill.

00:03:09 I'm in a real spot here.

00:03:12 Now, look, Zach.

00:03:14 We've been friends for a long time,

00:03:16 but I figure that if you think no more of our friendship

00:03:19 than to ask me to traipse through Texas on a camel,

00:03:22 well, then I'm free and clear to think no more of it

00:03:24 than to say no.

00:03:26 I could court-martial you for this.

00:03:28 Go ahead.

00:03:29 Court-martial me.

00:03:32 You know I could never do that.

00:03:33 Darn right I know it.

00:03:35 No court in Washington would convict me.

00:03:39 If you want my advice, Zach, you

00:03:41 need to find someone with no past record of merit,

00:03:44 you know, no seniority, no rank, no career potential,

00:03:47 no nothing.

00:03:48 Then you got someone with nothing to lose.

00:03:50 Your problem is you're shooting too high.

00:03:57 You need to lower your sights.

00:03:59 Get down to the bottom of the barrel.

00:04:02 [THUD]

00:04:03 Yee-haw!

00:04:16 [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:04:20 [GUNSHOTS]

00:04:23 [GUNSHOTS]

00:04:51 I had been thrust into an unfamiliar environment,

00:04:55 alien to my own.

00:04:57 But I adjusted quickly.

00:04:58 [GUNSHOT]

00:04:59 Soon I began seeking out new acquaintances,

00:05:05 found that the men of the frontier

00:05:06 were no different from myself.

00:05:08 [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:05:17 [MUSIC - "WHERE AM I GOING"]

00:05:22 Where am I going?

00:05:24 What am I gonna do?

00:05:28 Why me, Lord, I didn't do nothing to you.

00:05:35 I don't need these old tumbling weeds.

00:05:42 So let them buffaloes roam.

00:05:49 I just heard a discouraging whirr.

00:05:57 And I wanna go home.

00:06:00 Westward bound, how lucky can you be?

00:06:13 I feel the wheel of fortune running all over me.

00:06:21 This old range is so doggone strange.

00:06:28 Lord, I feel so all alone.

00:06:30 I wasn't born to be no hero.

00:06:42 And I wanna go home.

00:06:44 Yeah, I wanna go home.

00:06:51 I just wanna go home.

00:06:58 [MUSIC PLAYING]

00:07:01 Lieutenant Clemens?

00:07:26 Yes, sir.

00:07:27 No, you're-- you're the sergeant, sir.

00:07:29 I'm-- I'm just sergeant.

00:07:30 You ride tips?

00:07:31 Yes, of course, Sergeant Tibbs.

00:07:33 It's been quite a trip.

00:07:35 Yes, sir, I'll bet it has been.

00:07:36 But I can guarantee you're gonna feel good soon,

00:07:38 'cause you're a hero in these parts.

00:07:39 A hero?

00:07:40 Yes, sir.

00:07:41 Here come your suitcases, Mac.

00:07:42 I'll get those for you.

00:07:43 Yeah, watch out for the blue one.

00:07:44 It's, uh-- it's full of books.

00:07:46 What do you mean, a hero?

00:07:47 Well, like I said, sir, you got no idea how happy my men

00:07:52 are gonna be when they see you.

00:07:53 Really?

00:07:54 There you go.

00:07:55 Yes, sir.

00:07:56 There ain't a horse soldier in this man's army

00:07:58 that wouldn't cut off his right arm and work on your project.

00:08:01 Really?

00:08:02 Yes, sir.

00:08:03 I, uh-- I heard a man once say that everybody's

00:08:07 motivated by something different.

00:08:08 But that ain't you or the horse soldier.

00:08:10 Really?

00:08:11 No, sir.

00:08:12 Horse soldiers, well, they're motivated by the same thing.

00:08:17 Fine horses.

00:08:18 Fine horses.

00:08:20 I'll take a piece of the wagon for you.

00:08:23 Uh, Sergeant?

00:08:26 Yes, sir?

00:08:27 Here's another one.

00:08:29 You still haven't told me why I'm gonna be a hero.

00:08:32 Not gonna be.

00:08:33 You've been a hero ever since we got that telegram

00:08:35 about them Arabian mountains.

00:08:37 Oh, no.

00:08:38 Oh, and, uh, I want to tell you the honest to God truth, sir.

00:08:42 I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be sitting on top

00:08:44 of something so fine as a real Arabian horse.

00:08:48 [grunts]

00:08:49 Pull it.

00:08:52 I'm not gonna be a real Arabian horse.

00:08:55 I want to go home.

00:08:56 Better watch this one.

00:08:57 Must be loaded with rinks.

00:08:58 [grunts]

00:09:01 You got no idea how close my men came to losing this assignment.

00:09:05 No, sir.

00:09:06 Too close to suit me.

00:09:08 We fought old Tucker's bunch tooth and nail.

00:09:11 Yeah, they had riding contests, shooting contests,

00:09:14 even war games.

00:09:16 Finally settled it in a saloon brawl.

00:09:20 They worked hard, too.

00:09:22 They wanted them horses bad.

00:09:24 [gunshots]

00:09:27 Colonel Hawkins?

00:09:28 I'm, uh, Lieutenant Clemens.

00:09:30 I just got in from--

00:09:31 Fire!

00:09:32 [gunshots]

00:09:35 Direct tip.

00:09:36 Score bullseye, Private.

00:09:38 Yes, sir.

00:09:39 [laughs]

00:09:40 Readout.

00:09:41 Colonel Hawkins?

00:09:42 Stand by.

00:09:44 Colonel!

00:09:47 Oh.

00:09:48 Oh.

00:09:49 Oh, Tibbs.

00:09:50 Yes, sir.

00:09:51 This here is Lieutenant Clemens.

00:09:53 He's a new man from Washington.

00:09:54 Oh, Washington.

00:09:56 Well, I have to tell you right out in front, Lieutenant,

00:09:59 I'm not particularly fond of Washington.

00:10:01 And the feeling's mutual.

00:10:03 I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

00:10:05 Well, I should have command of an artillery outfit,

00:10:07 not stuck out here in this-- this godforsaken wilderness.

00:10:11 I've exchanged harsh words with the War Department many times

00:10:14 on that very subject.

00:10:15 That's probably why I'm still stuck out here in this godforsaken wilderness.

00:10:20 Yes, sir.

00:10:23 What was that?

00:10:24 I said, yes, sir.

00:10:26 Well, what do you mean by that?

00:10:29 Well, I-- I don't really know, sir.

00:10:32 It probably means he's going to like it here, sir.

00:10:35 He's crazy.

00:10:37 When do your horses get here, Tibbs?

00:10:39 Tomorrow morning, sir.

00:10:41 Uh, Colonel, that's something I'd like to talk to you about, sir.

00:10:45 Fire!

00:10:47 Perhaps later.

00:10:54 Direct hit.

00:10:55 Score another bull by a private.

00:10:57 All right, men.

00:10:58 Now, Lieutenant's going to be coming out here in a few minutes,

00:11:01 and I want you dirt balls to go easy on him.

00:11:04 Do you hear me?

00:11:05 Huh?

00:11:06 All right.

00:11:08 He's a nice fellow, a little green to the way we do things.

00:11:12 But remember what he's bringing us.

00:11:14 Huh?

00:11:15 Ravian horses.

00:11:16 Now, on that subject, it might please you knuckleheads to know

00:11:20 that at this very minute, our fine new horses are on a barge

00:11:26 chugging up the river, and they're going to be here bright and early tomorrow morning.

00:11:31 How about that, huh?

00:11:33 Make Tucker's bunch look like tumbleweeds to--

00:11:36 God, how do I tell those men they don't have Ravian horses coming in the morning?

00:11:42 That's the easy part.

00:11:44 The hard part's telling them they've got camels coming instead.

00:11:48 Well, just have to tell them.

00:11:51 That's all.

00:11:53 It's that simple.

00:11:55 Just spit it out.

00:11:59 Just walk out there in front of them and say,

00:12:02 "Men, you don't have any idea how I feel at this moment."

00:12:12 Speaking for the men, sir, I can say we all feel the same way.

00:12:16 Well, if you don't now, you will soon.

00:12:19 Beg your pardon, sir?

00:12:20 Never mind, Sergeant.

00:12:22 Please prepare the men for inspection.

00:12:25 Prepare for inspection?

00:12:28 Tinch hut!

00:12:32 The men are prepared for inspection, sir.

00:12:35 Thank you, Sergeant.

00:12:36 Yes, sir.

00:12:37 Sir, please go easy on him.

00:12:40 The last time a soldier was inspecting these parts was to see if he was dead.

00:12:44 Then why are we doing this, Sergeant?

00:12:47 You said it was a good way to meet the men, sir.

00:12:49 Oh, yes.

00:12:51 Was he?

00:12:52 What?

00:12:53 Dead.

00:12:54 Oh, yes, sir.

00:12:55 Three days.

00:12:58 [horse whinnies]

00:13:04 What's your name, Private?

00:13:05 Higgins, sir.

00:13:06 Private Nathaniel R. Higgins.

00:13:08 My enlistment was up last week, and as much as I hate the Army,

00:13:11 I re-up just so I could get me one of them Arabians.

00:13:15 I think I'm gonna be sick.

00:13:16 I think it's the water, sir.

00:13:17 My horse got that way when we first came over here.

00:13:24 Howdy.

00:13:25 Howdy, sir.

00:13:26 Sir.

00:13:31 Corporal, when's the last time you had a bath?

00:13:35 I think it was back in '44, sir.

00:13:38 '44?

00:13:43 Well, '44, that's not bad at all.

00:13:44 No, sir.

00:13:47 Private Arthur Logan, sir.

00:13:51 Where's your shirt, Logan?

00:13:52 Oh, here in the barracks, sir.

00:13:55 What are you doing in the barracks?

00:13:57 Just lying there, I guess.

00:14:00 Look, Logan, I'm not really in the mood for jokes,

00:14:02 and the uniform of the United States Army is not really a joking matter.

00:14:05 I wasn't trying to make a joke, sir.

00:14:07 I know you weren't, because men have fought and died for that uniform.

00:14:10 I do know that, sir.

00:14:12 Of course you do.

00:14:15 How long have you been in the Army, Logan?

00:14:17 Well, let's see.

00:14:18 I was in the Indian Wars of '52,

00:14:21 two years with Kit Carson blazing the Northwest Trail.

00:14:24 I was the only survivor of the Battle of Blue Ridge, and that was in '56,

00:14:27 so not counting them two years I was held prisoner by the Comanches,

00:14:30 that's eight years, sir.

00:14:33 Carry on, Logan.

00:14:34 Yes, sir.

00:14:42 Sergeant?

00:14:43 Yes, sir.

00:14:44 Sergeant, this man reeks of whiskey.

00:14:46 Yes, sir, that is correct, sir.

00:14:48 Well, isn't that a little irregular?

00:14:51 Not for Fitzgerald, sir.

00:14:52 He's been like that ever since I've known him.

00:14:54 Of course, I've only been here four years.

00:14:57 Of course.

00:15:03 Lieutenant?

00:15:05 Lieutenant!

00:15:06 Yes, yes, Sergeant.

00:15:08 Will that be all, sir?

00:15:10 No, Sergeant, that will not be all.

00:15:12 I have something to say to the men, and I'm going to say it.

00:15:15 We'd all be proud to hear it, sir.

00:15:16 [clears throat]

00:15:20 Stand at ease.

00:15:24 Men, in the years to come,

00:15:28 it is very likely that the experiment that we are about to undertake

00:15:33 may well prove to be one of the most significant

00:15:37 and strategic implementations in the development of our country.

00:15:42 No matter how...unusual it may seem right now.

00:15:47 What do you mean, Lieutenant?

00:15:48 What are we going to do with them horses that's so unusual?

00:15:50 Yeah, something weird.

00:15:52 I might have second thoughts.

00:15:53 Not me, boy.

00:15:54 It'll be worth it just to ride by Tucker's men

00:15:56 one time on one of them Arabians.

00:15:59 [laughs]

00:16:00 I wouldn't plan on that if I were you, Higgins.

00:16:02 Why not, sir?

00:16:04 Because...

00:16:05 because I've been trying to tell you something,

00:16:07 and what I've been trying to tell you is this.

00:16:09 You...

00:16:12 are...

00:16:19 dismissed.

00:16:21 [coughs]

00:16:23 Well, how are you today, George?

00:16:26 [indistinct chatter]

00:16:30 One fresh bottle, one fresh shot glass.

00:16:36 You know, Smitty?

00:16:37 Hmm?

00:16:38 It never ceases to amaze me

00:16:39 how them folks in Washington

00:16:40 think they can get a soldier out of a textbook.

00:16:43 Don't work.

00:16:44 There's some things

00:16:46 they just can't teach in a textbook.

00:16:50 And I guess soldiering is one of them.

00:16:52 Oh, let me have that glass there.

00:16:54 I got a friend coming.

00:16:55 Yeah?

00:16:57 What's her name?

00:16:59 I wish.

00:17:00 [laughs]

00:17:02 Oh, I wish.

00:17:04 [gunshot]

00:17:06 [gunshot]

00:17:08 [gunshot]

00:17:10 [screams]

00:17:24 [laughing]

00:17:29 Good evening, Sergeant.

00:17:31 Lieutenant.

00:17:33 I thought we were having dinner.

00:17:35 We are, sir.

00:17:36 And this is it.

00:17:37 I, uh, I took the pleasure of ordering for you, sir.

00:17:40 Well, that's very kind of you, Sergeant,

00:17:42 but I--I don't really drink.

00:17:44 But with the responsibilities of my new leadership,

00:17:48 I, uh, have to be alert at all times.

00:17:51 And, uh, and drinking dulls the nerves

00:17:55 and, uh, out of the senses.

00:17:59 [chatter]

00:18:01 [sighs]

00:18:07 Lieutenant, I think it's time we had a little talk.

00:18:14 That's why I invited you here, so we'd have a little talk.

00:18:17 Thank you, Sergeant.

00:18:18 I appreciate that.

00:18:19 You see, sir, things are different here

00:18:21 than they are back east.

00:18:23 For example, looking clean and neat

00:18:25 doesn't necessarily make a man a good soldier.

00:18:27 I mean, if my men looked like you,

00:18:29 I'd know they wasn't getting their job done.

00:18:31 You've been here less than half a day,

00:18:33 and I'll bet you've changed clothes five times.

00:18:35 Six.

00:18:36 Six.

00:18:37 You see, Lieutenant,

00:18:38 that's two times as soon as you look nice.

00:18:40 Why don't you get rid of that, uh,

00:18:42 that pig poker you got there

00:18:43 before you hurt yourself with it?

00:18:44 Oh, I can't do that, Sergeant.

00:18:46 Saber's part of the uniform.

00:18:48 [sighs]

00:18:49 That's what I'm talking about, Lieutenant.

00:18:52 I mean, you all gussied up like that,

00:18:54 and you look like a picture in the dress code manual.

00:18:57 I am the picture of the dress code manual.

00:19:00 Oh.

00:19:02 Well, it's a-- it's a nice picture.

00:19:05 It's a stupid picture.

00:19:07 Dumb part about it is,

00:19:08 it's probably the most important thing I've done

00:19:10 since I've been in the Army.

00:19:11 Except for this.

00:19:13 Now I'm starting to mess this up.

00:19:15 Not so, Lieutenant.

00:19:16 Not so at all.

00:19:18 Look, this is strange country.

00:19:20 Kind of, uh, foreign soil

00:19:22 to somebody from Washington.

00:19:24 But once you get used to it,

00:19:25 you're gonna get along a lot better here

00:19:27 than you did in Washington.

00:19:29 You think so?

00:19:30 I'll bet you on that.

00:19:32 To you.

00:19:34 Another thing,

00:19:35 me and my men are gonna do whatever's necessary

00:19:37 to make your project a success.

00:19:40 Is that a promise?

00:19:42 A promise.

00:19:43 Well, you don't know how good that makes me feel, Sergeant.

00:19:47 Because you know those horses

00:19:49 you've been talking about all day?

00:19:51 Them fine Arabian horses?

00:19:53 They're very same.

00:19:55 What about 'em?

00:19:57 They sure gonna look funny.

00:19:59 [laughing]

00:20:01 Oh, I know, they're gonna look a lot of things.

00:20:03 But they ain't gonna look funny.

00:20:05 I mean, not Arabian horses to me.

00:20:07 Sergeant?

00:20:09 Uh-huh?

00:20:10 Guess what?

00:20:11 What?

00:20:12 Them fine Arabian horses

00:20:14 are really fine Arabian.

00:20:16 This must be the brass that's bringing in

00:20:18 them A-Ram horses.

00:20:20 That's Tucker.

00:20:21 He's the low type I've been telling you about.

00:20:23 [laughing]

00:20:24 Baby Tucker, Lieutenant.

00:20:25 Don't bother to get up.

00:20:26 Don't bother to get up.

00:20:28 You know, I'm the man you ought to be

00:20:30 bringing them horses into.

00:20:32 They're bringing 'em right place, Tucker.

00:20:34 We want 'em fair and square.

00:20:35 Fair and square, my ain't Lucy.

00:20:37 Why, you don't even know the meaning of them words.

00:20:40 You know, my men rightly deserve them horses, Lieutenant.

00:20:43 And we might just come and get 'em yet.

00:20:45 You come get 'em any time, Tucker,

00:20:47 'cause the first one of you sidewinders

00:20:49 coming out of your hole

00:20:50 is gonna get their head stoved in.

00:20:52 We ain't gonna be coming one at a time,

00:20:54 and that's the only way that outfit of yours

00:20:56 could ever whip my boys.

00:20:58 [laughing]

00:20:59 Tucker, you seem to be forgetting,

00:21:01 which is normal for you,

00:21:02 one week ago right here,

00:21:03 who walked away and who got carried away.

00:21:05 But we wasn't trying.

00:21:07 We wasn't trying.

00:21:08 Wasn't trying.

00:21:09 All those things--

00:21:10 [horn blaring]

00:21:12 [horn blaring]

00:21:16 [horn blaring]

00:21:18 [horn blaring]

00:21:25 Whoa!

00:21:34 Whoa!

00:21:35 Tibbs!

00:21:36 Tibbs, come here!

00:21:38 Tibbs!

00:21:39 Ah, come here.

00:21:40 Come over here.

00:21:41 I want to talk to you away from the men.

00:21:43 There's something very important

00:21:44 I have to tell you right now.

00:21:46 Where have you been?

00:21:47 I was afraid you were gonna be late.

00:21:49 Late?

00:21:50 Are you kidding, sir?

00:21:51 On a day like this?

00:21:52 Why, it's gonna be the biggest day of my life.

00:21:54 No, Sergeant, it isn't.

00:21:56 Beg pardon, sir?

00:21:57 [sighs]

00:21:58 Do you remember what you said last night

00:22:00 about how you and the men

00:22:01 would do whatever was necessary

00:22:02 to help me with this project?

00:22:04 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:22:05 You think that was just whiskey talk, don't you?

00:22:07 Well, sir, me and my men are behind you, uh, 100%.

00:22:12 What are we getting, men?

00:22:13 Arabians!

00:22:15 I appreciate that, Sergeant.

00:22:16 Thank you, that's very kind of you.

00:22:18 But, Sergeant, uh, the thing is,

00:22:20 Washington, through no fault of my own,

00:22:22 I had nothing to do with it,

00:22:23 Washington has kind of, well, they sort of--

00:22:26 Excuse me, sir, there's Frank.

00:22:28 Misled you?

00:22:29 Uh, you see, sir, we brought Frank along

00:22:30 so we could take our old horses back to the fort

00:22:32 and we could ride back here

00:22:33 and style them new Arabians, huh?

00:22:35 Uh, Tibbs.

00:22:36 All right, you guys,

00:22:37 unsaddle your mounts, clothesline 'em!

00:22:39 Uh, don't do that, Sergeant.

00:22:40 Don't unsaddle the horses, Sergeant.

00:22:42 Don't.

00:22:44 Well, how come?

00:22:46 You mean Arabians ain't broke yet?

00:22:49 Oh, they're broken all right.

00:22:51 They just ain't Arabians, aren't Arabians.

00:22:54 Well, they are Arabians, in a matter of speaking.

00:22:57 They just aren't horses.

00:22:59 I don't believe it.

00:23:09 I just don't believe it.

00:23:12 I'm told we're gonna get beautiful Arabian horses,

00:23:16 and all I get is a bunch of ugly faces,

00:23:20 skinny legs, and honks.

00:23:23 That's what I was trying to tell you.

00:23:24 See, the telegram from Washington

00:23:26 didn't explain it very clearly,

00:23:27 and I didn't know about that until--

00:23:28 Honks!

00:23:29 Sergeant, I hope you'll remember what you said

00:23:31 about how strange things take some getting used to.

00:23:34 We fought for Arabians,

00:23:35 we dreamt of Arabians,

00:23:37 for two weeks we done nothing but eat and sleep Arabians.

00:23:40 My man even got dressed up for Arabians.

00:23:42 And look what gets off the boat!

00:23:44 A bunch of raunchy, mangy...

00:23:47 honks.

00:23:49 That'll get him.

00:23:52 Mount up!

00:23:53 Sergeant, where are you going?

00:23:55 Look, I've got all these camels.

00:23:57 I've got to get back to the fort.

00:23:59 Do not mount up.

00:24:00 Men, Sergeant, that's an order.

00:24:03 Move out.

00:24:04 Come on, fellas.

00:24:05 Give it a chance.

00:24:07 Oh, dear.

00:24:10 We seem to be off to a bit of a sticky-wicky start, what?

00:24:14 The accent or the...

00:24:17 Attire.

00:24:18 Oh.

00:24:19 Origin, Arab, education, Oxford.

00:24:23 Class of '54, actually.

00:24:25 Haji Ali is the name.

00:24:27 Or, if you prefer, as your barge driver so quaintly called me,

00:24:31 Had Jali.

00:24:33 Jali.

00:24:35 Camel instructor extraordinaire, Air Chore Service, sir.

00:24:40 It had been an uneventful morning.

00:24:48 And later, as we took the camels through town,

00:24:51 it was with a certain festive spirit

00:24:54 that the townspeople gathered along the street to wish us well.

00:24:58 ( screams )

00:25:00 ( music playing )

00:25:03 ( screams )

00:25:08 ( screams )

00:25:12 ( screams )

00:25:24 ( water splashing )

00:25:26 ( screams )

00:25:29 ( music playing )

00:25:32 ( screams )

00:25:40 ( screams )

00:25:46 ( screams )

00:25:52 ( music playing )

00:25:55 ( screams )

00:26:02 ( screams )

00:26:14 ( music playing )

00:26:17 ( water splashing )

00:26:29 ( doorbell rings )

00:26:42 ( doorbell rings )

00:26:44 ( door opens )

00:26:52 ( glass shatters )

00:26:54 Just tell me one thing, lieutenant.

00:27:06 Who is it in Washington that's out to destroy me?

00:27:09 Well, speak up, man!

00:27:11 Why wasn't I told that they're gonna turn my fort

00:27:14 into some kind of a zoo?

00:27:17 I don't know, sir. I really don't know.

00:27:20 I only found out yesterday that you didn't know.

00:27:23 Well, when I tried to--

00:27:25 It's bad enough they sent me out here to command these horse soldiers.

00:27:28 Now to burden me with these creatures,

00:27:31 this could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

00:27:35 ( chuckles ) Camel's back.

00:27:38 Uh, sit down, lieutenant.

00:27:41 Lemons, is it?

00:27:43 Clemens, sir. Clemens.

00:27:45 Oh, whatever.

00:27:47 I should have known that anything coming from Zachary

00:27:50 would have to be screwy.

00:27:52 Do you know where I really should be, lieutenant?

00:27:56 In an artillery command, sir?

00:27:58 Boom. You're a fine judge mentor.

00:28:01 Now, whatever it is you have to do with these camels,

00:28:05 let's get it done, get it over with,

00:28:08 and get 'em out of here as soon as possible.

00:28:11 But, sir, if the experiment is a success, it'd be forever.

00:28:15 I mean, the purpose is to show that the camel can serve the cavalry better

00:28:19 than the horse, especially for moving west.

00:28:22 I'm as far west as I want to be, lieutenant.

00:28:26 I have no desire to move any further west.

00:28:30 Now then, how long is this experiment of yours?

00:28:34 Got to take.

00:28:37 Well, sir, that's a little difficult to say.

00:28:42 Sir, may I stand?

00:28:46 If you wish.

00:28:48 You see, sir, first we have to teach the men how to use the camels.

00:28:52 Come in.

00:28:54 I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but, lieutenant Clemens,

00:28:58 is there a hospital on post?

00:29:00 No, sir, there's no hospital on post.

00:29:03 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:06 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:09 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:12 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:15 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:18 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:21 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:24 I'm afraid there's no hospital on post.

00:29:27 That was a camel, sir.

00:29:29 No, I mean the one with the tablecloth on its head.

00:29:33 Oh, that was High Jolly, sir.

00:29:35 He came with the camels.

00:29:38 He came with the camels?

00:29:40 Yes, sir.

00:29:42 As I was saying, we have to teach the men how to use the camels,

00:29:45 how to ride the camels, how to pack them.

00:29:47 Just a minute.

00:29:49 You said ride them?

00:29:51 Yes, sir.

00:29:53 You want to get on those camels and ride them?

00:29:56 Yes, sir.

00:29:58 Outside of the fort where people can see them?

00:30:02 Well?

00:30:04 Yes, sir.

00:30:06 So that's it.

00:30:09 Zachary's trying to make me a laughingstock.

00:30:12 Well, I'll not have it.

00:30:14 As far as I'm concerned, he can take his camels and...

00:30:18 Boom!

00:30:20 Uh, sir, I'm begging your pardon, but this isn't Zachary's project.

00:30:24 It's been approved by Congress,

00:30:26 and Zachary works directly under Jefferson Davis.

00:30:29 Jefferson Davis?

00:30:31 Well, that doesn't sound like something Jeff would do.

00:30:35 He's always liked me.

00:30:38 He'll be president one day.

00:30:40 You mark my words, he's a good man.

00:30:43 And if I may, sir, it's a good project.

00:30:46 You see, if camels can adapt to our country,

00:30:49 we can move 50 miles a day over rough terrain

00:30:52 with men and loads up to 2,000 pounds per animal.

00:30:55 Lieutenant, it's time for my artillery practice.

00:30:59 All right, on the basis of your word and Jeff's word,

00:31:04 we'll give this thing a shot, this camel lunacy.

00:31:09 But if it were Zach's project, boom!

00:31:12 Yes, sir. Oh, thank you.

00:31:15 Uh, one more thing.

00:31:19 Do you have any idea what your little maneuvers in town today

00:31:24 cost the United States Army?

00:31:26 No, sir.

00:31:28 Too much, lieutenant, much too much.

00:31:30 Another incident like that during this project and, uh...

00:31:34 Boom, sir?

00:31:36 I think we understand each other.

00:31:42 Oh, uh, I almost forgot, men.

00:31:46 Uh, all requests for transfer denied.

00:31:51 What? Denied?

00:31:53 Oh, come on, colonel, for crying out loud.

00:31:55 We don't want to have to ride a bunch of camels.

00:31:57 We don't care.

00:31:59 If I were you, I'd, uh, be a little careful.

00:32:04 You see, your men, they, uh...

00:32:06 They, uh, they hate my guts, sir.

00:32:09 Affirmative.

00:32:12 (whimpering)

00:32:15 No, no. No. No.

00:32:19 Don't move or I'll blow your brains out!

00:32:21 (sighs)

00:32:40 (gulps)

00:32:43 (crunching)

00:32:45 (crunching)

00:32:47 (crunching)

00:32:49 (crunching)

00:32:51 (crunching)

00:32:54 (crunching)

00:32:56 (crunching)

00:33:24 Don't brains, I'll blow your move out.

00:33:26 I mean, uh...

00:33:28 I know what you mean.

00:33:29 You're a girl?

00:33:30 Close. I'm the colonel's daughter.

00:33:32 My name's Jennifer, and I just came by to give you a welcome gift.

00:33:35 And I certainly don't want my move blown out.

00:33:38 How do I know you're the colonel's daughter?

00:33:41 Well, it would help if you would turn up the lamp.

00:33:44 Oh, yeah, I suppose it would.

00:33:46 Yeah.

00:33:52 You're the girl from town today.

00:33:55 Oh, hey, listen, I'm awfully sorry about what happened.

00:33:58 Oh, you have no reason to be.

00:34:00 Oh, yes, I do, too. It's all my fault.

00:34:02 I know how you must have felt with all that molasses.

00:34:05 No, you don't.

00:34:07 But you're going to.

00:34:09 You see, oh, I like to start all relationships on an even basis.

00:34:15 It's not quite a barrelful, but it's good enough, I guess.

00:34:21 So, now we can start all over again.

00:34:24 Would you like to come over for tea tomorrow?

00:34:26 Let's say 4 o'clock?

00:34:28 Uh, do you mind if I borrow one of these?

00:34:31 I am fascinated by your project.

00:34:33 And I must say, it really looks like you've done your homework, too.

00:34:37 Hmm.

00:34:41 Cute.

00:34:42 Oh, well, I'll let you get back to sleep.

00:34:44 Thanks for the book.

00:34:47 [drumming]

00:34:49 The men are in position, sir.

00:35:02 Thank you, Sergeant.

00:35:04 All right.

00:35:06 We have learned the difference between the one hop and the two hop.

00:35:11 All right.

00:35:13 We have learned the difference between the one hop...

00:35:16 Lieutenant.

00:35:18 The one hop and the two hop camel.

00:35:24 We have learned where they came from.

00:35:26 And we have learned why they can be man's best friend in the desert.

00:35:31 Which brings me to the next point.

00:35:38 A point that I feel must be confronted before we take our first riding instruction.

00:35:45 It involves a certain problem in attitude.

00:35:49 I, for one, apologize for not telling you that these camels were...

00:35:57 were not Arabian horses in the first place.

00:36:01 I tried to.

00:36:03 I guess I didn't have enough...

00:36:06 [footsteps]

00:36:08 guts.

00:36:10 Guts ain't something-- guts aren't something I have ever had too much of.

00:36:17 But I have found enough to tell you that this is the first halfway important thing I've ever done.

00:36:24 And I want it to go right.

00:36:26 Oh, and for it to go right, I'm going to need your help.

00:36:33 The experiment itself could be a failure or it could be a milestone in the development of our country.

00:36:40 But the results should be judged on its merit.

00:36:46 And not whether or not...

00:36:50 you men are too proud to work with a bunch of camels.

00:36:58 [footsteps]

00:37:01 Here, here. Here, here, sir. Jolly good. Jolly good.

00:37:04 Hey, looky under, boys.

00:37:06 Absolutely capital.

00:37:07 There's them United States Hulk soldiers.

00:37:09 And them must be their U.S. Army issue Hulks.

00:37:12 [laughing]

00:37:14 Sarge, I request permission to cut Tucker's throat.

00:37:18 [slurping]

00:37:19 Permission granted.

00:37:20 No, Sergeant, permission is not granted. Higgins, you may not cut Tucker's throat.

00:37:25 Too bad, Higgins.

00:37:26 Maybe next time, after you boys have been promoted to riding cows or goats or something.

00:37:32 [laughing]

00:37:34 Sergeant Tucker?

00:37:36 Somebody call my name?

00:37:41 I did, Sergeant Tucker. Front and center.

00:37:54 Out of tension when you approach an officer, soldier.

00:37:57 Would you like to be on report, Sergeant?

00:38:01 Uh, no, sir.

00:38:02 Would you like to be on a camel?

00:38:04 Uh, no disrespect, sir, but no, sir, sir.

00:38:08 Then I suggest that you make no further remarks to my men,

00:38:10 or the next time I see you, you'll be on both. Is that clear?

00:38:12 Yes, sir.

00:38:14 Dismissed.

00:38:16 [cheering]

00:38:20 I think your problem of attitude just took a giant step forward.

00:38:25 Yes, indeed. Nothing like a good dressing down.

00:38:30 Yes, well, I shall demonstrate the procedure for you one time myself,

00:38:36 and then each of you can try it.

00:38:39 Push.

00:38:44 Always remembering, gentlemen, you must first rock to the fore and then to the rear.

00:38:50 Up, shiva, fore, and rear.

00:38:57 Now, gentlemen, what could be simpler?

00:39:01 Right. Shall we give it a go, gents?

00:39:07 Try to remember the instructions and mount at your own pleasure.

00:39:12 [cheering]

00:39:15 Push, push, down, down.

00:39:17 [cheering]

00:39:20 [grunting]

00:39:24 [cheering]

00:39:27 [cheering]

00:39:30 [cheering]

00:39:33 I think it's time for tea. It's time for tea.

00:39:36 [cheering]

00:39:38 Come along, shiva.

00:39:40 [cheering]

00:39:43 [cheering]

00:39:46 [cheering]

00:39:49 [cheering]

00:39:52 [cheering]

00:39:55 [cheering]

00:39:58 [cheering]

00:40:01 [cheering]

00:40:04 Way to go, Sarge.

00:40:06 [cheering]

00:40:09 Way to go.

00:40:11 Get him. Get him, Sarge.

00:40:13 You got him, Sarge. You got him.

00:40:16 [cheering]

00:40:19 [cheering]

00:40:22 [cheering]

00:40:25 [cheering]

00:40:28 [screaming]

00:40:30 [crashing]

00:40:32 [birds chirping]

00:40:36 [sighs]

00:40:39 You guys just don't realize how bad I'm hurting.

00:40:43 You? I may never walk again.

00:40:46 Look, I think I come up with a legitimate way out of this thing.

00:40:49 Yeah, what?

00:40:50 A medical discharge.

00:40:53 I would never have thought there was an animal alive that could toss me off three times in a row.

00:40:58 Wouldn't have fallen off if it did me in.

00:41:00 If it was that chick in the back.

00:41:03 Yeah, well, I can't help but think we wouldn't be hurting if we'd gotten what we were supposed to get.

00:41:08 Boy, I was really looking forward to them horses.

00:41:11 Hey, hi, Jolly.

00:41:12 What are they really like?

00:41:14 Them Arabians as great as everybody says.

00:41:16 Ah, the Arabian. Magnificent creature. No finer horse anywhere in the world.

00:41:21 I don't want to hear about it.

00:41:22 But for the desert, nothing can beat the camel.

00:41:27 [laughs] You give me a two by four and I'll beat the camel.

00:41:31 Oh, and maybe Clemens along with it.

00:41:34 Psst. Higgins!

00:41:43 Logan!

00:41:45 You boys, come here.

00:41:48 Well, that's it. Fitzgerald's got the answer.

00:41:51 He's so drunk he don't even know he's hurting.

00:41:53 Yeah. You want to tell us something, Fitzgerald?

00:41:56 You come on over here. You feel better than we do.

00:42:00 Have you gone loco, Fitzgerald? What are you doing letting that camel out?

00:42:04 That's what I wanted to show you. I taught her a trick.

00:42:08 Yeah. I'll teach you the trick.

00:42:10 Where's my two by four?

00:42:12 Come on, Valentine. Come on, my little sweetheart.

00:42:15 Valentine? That's a stupid name for a camel.

00:42:19 That was my mother's name.

00:42:22 Yeah, but she wasn't a camel, was she?

00:42:25 Of course she wasn't. Don't be silly.

00:42:29 Now...

00:42:31 I want you boys to watch this.

00:42:38 This is amazing.

00:42:41 Hmm? Hmm?

00:42:43 Purely amazing.

00:42:46 Okay?

00:42:54 Valentine, do it.

00:42:58 Hee-hee-hee-hee!

00:43:07 Did I tell you? Amazing!

00:43:10 How'd you make her do that?

00:43:12 Just good training. Just good training.

00:43:14 Them teach you to be a horse.

00:43:16 Yeah. Sarsaparilla.

00:43:18 Might sober up and die of fright, Fitzgerald.

00:43:20 I wouldn't touch the stuff, but she's just a baby,

00:43:24 and I ain't about to corrupt her morals with alcohol.

00:43:27 Come on, Valentine.

00:43:29 I'll teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow.

00:43:32 Hee-hee-hee-hee!

00:43:36 Say, hi, Golly.

00:43:38 How'd he do that?

00:43:40 Are camels really that smart?

00:43:42 Oh, indeed. Indeed, camels are very intelligent.

00:43:45 Have a high capacity for learning.

00:43:47 As far as animals go, of course.

00:43:49 However, I'm afraid Fitzgerald did not teach her

00:43:52 that particular trick, only.

00:43:54 You see, she was born board ship,

00:43:56 but her mother rejected her,

00:43:58 so she had to be bottle-fed for the duration.

00:44:02 Consequently, she's become rather bonkers over bottles.

00:44:07 Can't wait to put her mouth on one.

00:44:10 Oh, I'll be.

00:44:12 It's true, it's true.

00:44:14 Well, don't tell Fitzgerald. He'll never know the difference.

00:44:17 Even if you tell him, he'll never know the difference.

00:44:20 [ chuckles ]

00:44:22 Here comes Big Mouth.

00:44:24 His mouth ain't been quite so big since the lieutenant got him today.

00:44:28 Yeah, but I'd like to get him myself, just once.

00:44:32 Hey, I got an idea.

00:44:34 Higgins, go grab Fitzgerald and that camel and wait till I call you.

00:44:38 Elroy, you play along.

00:44:40 [ laughing ]

00:44:42 You boys still rubbin' a little bit on your hide, Vince?

00:44:46 Say, I'm glad you walked up, Sergeant,

00:44:50 'cause I got me a problem, and maybe you can help me.

00:44:53 You being an experienced betting man and knowing gambling and all.

00:44:56 What's your problem?

00:44:58 You betting on whether or not you can get by with going AWOL

00:45:01 so you can get away from them hobs?

00:45:03 [ laughing ]

00:45:05 No, no. Now, here's the deal.

00:45:07 Elroy just bet me $10,

00:45:09 but that baby camel over there

00:45:11 can pick up a bottle of sarsaparilla all by itself

00:45:14 and drink it down.

00:45:16 Now, I think maybe that's a good bet,

00:45:18 but $10 is a lot of money,

00:45:20 and, well, I'd like some professional advice.

00:45:23 Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

00:45:26 Elroy here says that that stinking camel

00:45:29 can pick up a bottle of sarsaparilla

00:45:31 right off of the ground and drink it down all by itself?

00:45:35 That's the bet.

00:45:37 [ laughing ]

00:45:39 What do you think?

00:45:41 That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

00:45:44 There ain't no way that humpback critter can do nothing like that.

00:45:48 That's what I thought.

00:45:50 Count me in, Elroy.

00:45:52 In fact, let's up it to $20.

00:45:55 Don't take all this money, Logan,

00:45:57 'cause I want some of it myself.

00:46:00 [ laughing ]

00:46:02 No, no. No deal, Tucker.

00:46:04 This is just a friendly bet between me and Logan.

00:46:06 Just as I thought.

00:46:08 You're trying to slicker, poor old Logan.

00:46:10 Why you want to back down?

00:46:12 Well, I'm calling you a liar,

00:46:14 and I'm gonna call you a cheater

00:46:16 unless you take some of my money, too.

00:46:18 Well, all right, but just 10 bucks.

00:46:23 Uh-uh. 20. Same as Logan.

00:46:27 Okay.

00:46:29 Good night, gentlemen.

00:46:32 Higgins, y'all bring that camel over here.

00:46:36 [ laughing ]

00:46:39 Are you sure?

00:46:41 Yes, sir. Just fine.

00:46:43 Well, I wish you would go to bed for a couple days,

00:46:45 at least until your vision clears up.

00:46:47 Like I said, lieutenant, it's just a left eye.

00:46:50 Don't worry about it. It's gonna be just fine.

00:46:52 Getting back to this morning, what I was trying to say is,

00:46:55 I'm sorry about all the misunderstandings,

00:46:57 and I know that you and your men hate the camels, but--

00:47:00 Look, lieutenant, look.

00:47:02 You want me to say you got our best effort?

00:47:04 You got it.

00:47:06 Was my speech that good?

00:47:08 It was awful.

00:47:10 It's just that I'm looking at it realistically.

00:47:12 You got two choices-- either do it or desert.

00:47:15 And the penalty for desertion is hanging.

00:47:19 Oh. I wish I'd known that two days ago.

00:47:23 All right, the bet is, if I rope that doggone camel,

00:47:30 I get back my $80.

00:47:32 Right.

00:47:34 And my hand-carved boots,

00:47:36 and that solid gold watch my daddy give me.

00:47:39 That's right.

00:47:41 I think you got him this time, Sarge.

00:47:43 You bet I have.

00:47:45 All right, turn that hog-backed thing loose!

00:47:47 [men shouting]

00:47:49 [men shouting]

00:47:51 [men shouting]

00:47:53 [men shouting]

00:47:55 This $80 is in the pocket.

00:47:58 [men shouting]

00:48:00 Hey, what are you doing?

00:48:02 Hey, Sergeant, that ain't one of them hogs!

00:48:04 What's the matter, Tucker?

00:48:06 Can't tell your old man from a camel?

00:48:08 All right, this time he's mine.

00:48:10 Ain't funny there's another one like him somewhere, huh?

00:48:13 [men shouting]

00:48:15 [men shouting]

00:48:17 [men shouting]

00:48:19 [men shouting]

00:48:21 [men shouting]

00:48:23 Whoa, you hammerhead!

00:48:25 Whoa!

00:48:27 Please, whoa!

00:48:30 Oh!

00:48:32 Oh!

00:48:34 Shoot!

00:48:36 Men, before we're through,

00:48:38 we're gonna get to know these camels backward and forward.

00:48:41 I think several of us made a good start

00:48:44 on the backward part yesterday.

00:48:46 Training will be rigorous,

00:48:48 but we have a fine animal here.

00:48:50 And I feel if we all work hard,

00:48:53 we can prove to our critics beyond a shadow of a doubt

00:48:56 that the camel can out-distance,

00:48:58 out-run, out-work, and out-last

00:49:01 what is likely to become known as the old-fashioned horse.

00:49:06 [music]

00:49:17 Let me get this straight.

00:49:19 He wants to bet you $20 that a camel

00:49:21 can carry more firewood in my wagon?

00:49:24 That's what he said.

00:49:27 I'd bet $20 on that myself.

00:49:29 Gee, I don't know.

00:49:31 Sorry about your wagon.

00:49:34 Drake, you're next.

00:49:36 Show him what you can do with that pistol.

00:49:38 Yes, sir.

00:49:40 [music]

00:49:46 [gunshot]

00:49:48 [grunts]

00:49:50 Bullseye.

00:49:52 [music]

00:50:02 [music]

00:50:08 [grunts]

00:50:10 [music]

00:50:24 [music]

00:50:27 [gunshot]

00:50:29 [shouting]

00:50:32 [shouting]

00:50:35 [shouting]

00:50:38 [gunshot]

00:50:40 Second ring. Not bad, not bad.

00:50:43 [music]

00:51:12 [music]

00:51:29 [shouting]

00:51:31 Okay, Fitzgerald. Move out.

00:51:34 [music]

00:51:46 Six complete misses.

00:51:48 [music]

00:51:51 The men had worked hard, and the experiment was going well.

00:51:55 But our first real test came when a friendly Indian chief

00:51:58 reported that a renegade riding a majestic white horse

00:52:02 was plundering and burning ranches in the area.

00:52:09 His name was Crazy Feathers,

00:52:12 and it was our job to stop him.

00:52:15 [shouting]

00:52:25 [shouting]

00:52:27 [music]

00:52:33 [shouting]

00:52:35 [music]

00:52:39 [shouting]

00:52:41 [music]

00:53:07 [music]

00:53:23 [shouting]

00:53:28 [music]

00:53:47 [shouting]

00:54:09 [shouting]

00:54:19 I hate camels. I hate 'em!

00:54:22 I hate 'em, you...

00:54:24 [shouting]

00:54:38 I say, my dear old chap, bad luck, bad luck.

00:54:42 I tried desperately to warn you.

00:54:44 You see, camel can't swim.

00:54:47 No, instinctively afraid of the water.

00:54:50 Actually, had you eased off just a tad,

00:54:53 showed her how shallow it was,

00:54:55 you'd have had no trouble at all.

00:54:57 Pity. Pity!

00:55:00 We very nearly caught those savages, you know.

00:55:05 Lost my boot.

00:55:08 Here, whenever you mind, old darling,

00:55:11 let's get you out of those wet things

00:55:13 before you catch your death.

00:55:15 Come along now.

00:55:16 [laughing]

00:55:19 [speaking foreign language]

00:55:22 [water flowing]

00:55:33 Hi.

00:55:36 Hi, Jennifer.

00:55:41 I got lonely when you didn't come by,

00:55:43 so I thought I'd come over to see

00:55:45 whether or not you hated me a lot

00:55:47 or just a little tiny bit.

00:55:49 I'm sorry.

00:55:50 I just didn't much feel like it tonight.

00:55:53 Aw, come on.

00:55:55 Just because you fell into a river

00:55:56 and didn't catch some old Indian

00:55:58 doesn't mean it's the end of the world, you know.

00:56:01 Well, it's the end of the project.

00:56:03 Your father's pulling the plug on it.

00:56:05 He's sending the 114 to Jefferson Davis, no less.

00:56:08 Just because of that crazy feathers thing?

00:56:10 That's not fair.

00:56:12 Yeah, that's what I said.

00:56:14 But it does look a little ridiculous

00:56:15 when 10 trained soldiers can't bring him in

00:56:17 and one lone prospector does.

00:56:20 [music playing]

00:56:24 [chatter]

00:56:45 All right, everybody gather around.

00:56:49 It's a tug-of-war contest,

00:56:51 and it's going to be fair and square

00:56:53 if Zelda's going to referee.

00:56:55 This is for the grand, once and for all,

00:56:58 who's better than who, championship

00:57:00 between Valentine and Fitzgerald.

00:57:04 [cheering]

00:57:07 And there'll be no talking about cheating when it's over.

00:57:09 You got that, Fitzgerald?

00:57:11 Uh-huh.

00:57:12 OK.

00:57:13 Ready, set, go.

00:57:17 [cheering]

00:57:21 Hey, Speedy, give me that bottle of cactus whiskey

00:57:23 you got there.

00:57:25 You're getting kind of careless who you let

00:57:27 drink in this place, ain't you?

00:57:29 It can't be too particular, Tucker.

00:57:30 You're both thirsty for life.

00:57:32 Well, kids, hey, you know what I heard today?

00:57:35 No, but you must have just heard it a second ago

00:57:37 but still remember it.

00:57:39 I heard that the Army's going to replace all you

00:57:42 hog soldiers with just one little bitty old prospector.

00:57:47 Oh, yeah?

00:57:48 Oh, yeah.

00:57:50 He just won't listen to reason on this, Jennifer.

00:57:53 Why do you say that?

00:57:54 I don't know.

00:57:56 Supposedly, he's worried about Jeff Davis's career

00:57:58 and his career and something about a newspaper that

00:58:03 tried to ruin him once, and he's afraid if they get a hold

00:58:05 of this, they'll do it again.

00:58:08 Oh, that.

00:58:10 Yeah, that.

00:58:11 Hey, what is that, anyway?

00:58:14 I can't, Howard.

00:58:15 I really can't.

00:58:16 I promised him I wouldn't talk about it.

00:58:20 The newspaper really never mentioned his name,

00:58:22 but they made it look pretty embarrassing for Zachary

00:58:24 and the president.

00:58:26 Daddy thinks they took it personally and stationed him

00:58:29 out here because of it.

00:58:31 Did they?

00:58:33 Probably.

00:58:35 I got nothing but the utmost respect for those poor, dumb,

00:58:40 stupid, stinking, misshapen, unwilling people.

00:58:45 Oh, well, the bad creations of unsightliness.

00:58:50 This is a poor, handsome rhino that I got no stomach for.

00:58:54 The officer's got stomachs, Tucker.

00:58:56 You got a belly and a big one.

00:58:58 Why, you little dimwit.

00:59:00 [glass shattering]

00:59:02 [gunshot]

00:59:03 What are we waiting for, boys?

00:59:05 Let's get out of here.

00:59:06 [screaming]

00:59:07 [gunshots]

00:59:09 [growling]

00:59:11 [screaming]

00:59:13 [music playing]

00:59:16 [gunshots]

00:59:19 [screaming]

00:59:22 [music playing]

00:59:25 [gunshots]

00:59:28 [gunshot]

00:59:30 All right, you all know the rules.

00:59:33 No gunplay, no knives, no clobbering with anything

00:59:36 bigger than a chair.

00:59:37 All breakage will be paid for on the spot.

00:59:41 My whiskey stock, the windows, the rooms upstairs

00:59:44 are off limits.

00:59:45 And any man fool enough to break my bar mirror from St. Louis

00:59:50 will get his head blowed off.

00:59:52 We know the rules, Smitty.

00:59:54 [glass shattering]

00:59:55 [music playing]

00:59:57 (SINGING) I'd love to be your love in time.

01:00:00 [growling]

01:00:01 [gunshots]

01:00:04 Oh, I say, I haven't seen a good old fashioned

01:00:09 rock and roll in St. Louis.

01:00:11 I'm going to have to get you a new one.

01:00:13 [growling]

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01:00:54 [growling]

01:00:55 The worst part about it is I really started

01:00:58 believing in this project.

01:01:00 I mean, these camels are incredible animals.

01:01:03 Weird looking, strange habits and all.

01:01:07 We've got a lot to learn about them yet,

01:01:09 but I think Davis was right in the first place.

01:01:11 I think this project's got a great chance of success.

01:01:15 And it's the first thing I've ever really believed in

01:01:18 and ever really wanted to do in--

01:01:23 in forever, I guess.

01:01:25 You don't expect me to believe that, do you?

01:01:28 Well, do you?

01:01:31 I mean, here you are, moaning and groaning

01:01:34 about believing in things and wanting things,

01:01:36 and all you're doing is moaning and groaning.

01:01:39 You're not doing anything about it.

01:01:42 And apparently you don't plan on doing anything about it.

01:01:45 So how do you expect me to believe you?

01:01:48 [sighs]

01:01:50 I really thought there was more to you than this, Howard.

01:01:52 I really did.

01:01:53 You haven't failed.

01:01:55 You've given up.

01:01:56 Good night, Howard.

01:02:02 [birds chirping]

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01:02:11 [tires screeching]

01:02:14 That's getting too close, Logan.

01:02:16 You're out of the ball.

01:02:18 Oh, my, Smitty, I didn't mean to.

01:02:21 I said you're out.

01:02:22 Get upstairs on the rail.

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