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00:00:24 Is this fucking thing on?
00:00:26 Ladies and gentlemen, he's wacky, he's zany,
00:00:28 he's one entire sixth of the greatest comedy team the world has ever seen.
00:00:33 Here to reveal all, please welcome Monty Python's Brian Chapman!
00:00:38 [Applause]
00:00:40 Before I begin, there is a favour I would like to ask of all of you please,
00:00:46 and I do mean every single person in the room, no opting out.
00:00:50 I would like everyone to join in with this please.
00:00:53 I would like to ask you all for 30 seconds of abuse.
00:00:58 [Laughter]
00:01:00 [Applause]
00:01:14 [Applause]
00:01:24 [Applause]
00:01:34 [Applause]
00:01:54 Thank you very much indeed, that was excellent abuse.
00:01:58 And it will certainly save a lot of time later on.
00:02:02 [Laughter]
00:02:06 [Music]
00:02:10 New York, 1976. The City Centre Theatre.
00:02:14 Monty Python's Flying Circus is appearing. We are in mid-sketch.
00:02:19 I am playing Oscar Wilde.
00:02:22 My congratulations, Wilde. Your play is a great success.
00:02:26 The whole of London is talking about you.
00:02:29 There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about,
00:02:33 and that is not being talked about.
00:02:36 [Laughter]
00:02:38 Very witty, Wilde, very witty.
00:02:41 There is only one thing worse in the world than being witty,
00:02:44 and that is not being witty.
00:02:47 [Laughter]
00:02:52 I wish I had said that.
00:02:54 You will, Oscar, you will.
00:02:57 Your Highness, do you know James McNeill Whistler?
00:03:01 Yes, we play squash together.
00:03:03 There is only one thing worse than playing squash together,
00:03:07 and that is playing it by yourself.
00:03:10 He waits expectantly for the roars of laughter and the shrieks of glee.
00:03:15 They do not come.
00:03:18 The silence grows longer.
00:03:22 I wish I hadn't said that.
00:03:25 You did, Oscar, you did.
00:03:29 You must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the palace.
00:03:32 Wilde is desperate. It's unheard of.
00:03:34 The Prince of Wales leaving with a smile on his face
00:03:37 that had not been put there by Oscar Wilde.
00:03:39 He blurts, "Your Majesty, you are like a big jam donut with cream on top."
00:03:46 I beg your pardon?
00:03:48 Uh, uh, it was one of Whistler's.
00:03:52 I didn't say that.
00:03:53 You did, James, you did.
00:03:56 I meant that like a donut, your arrival, Your Majesty, gives us pleasure,
00:04:02 and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
00:04:08 Your Majesty is like a stream of bat's piss.
00:04:12 I beg your pardon?
00:04:14 It was one of Wilde's, one of Wilde's.
00:04:17 Uh, uh...
00:04:19 I have just dried. I cannot remember the next line.
00:04:22 I'm waiting, Wilde, I'm waiting.
00:04:25 The entire theater waits, and as they wait,
00:04:29 so do I for that damned line to enter my head.
00:04:32 It refuses to come.
00:04:34 Oh, get on with it.
00:04:37 Get on with it!
00:04:40 [clears throat]
00:04:43 [footsteps]
00:04:47 [clanging]
00:04:50 [clattering]
00:04:53 [clattering]
00:04:56 [clattering]
00:04:59 [clattering]
00:05:02 [thud]
00:05:04 [thud]
00:05:05 [clattering]
00:05:09 [thud]
00:05:12 Dr. Chapman, we'll be landing in Los Angeles shortly.
00:05:22 Hello? Dr. Chapman?
00:05:25 Are you all right, Dr. Chapman?
00:05:28 Please keep your seatbelt fastened and all your luggage stowed safely,
00:05:34 and turn off your headphones and electrical equipment until you see the seatbelt signs handle.
00:05:39 [whirring]
00:05:42 [clattering]
00:05:45 [grunt]
00:05:47 It's at moments like this when one thinks,
00:05:52 "Oh, fuck it, does it really matter?
00:05:55 "What are we all here for?
00:05:57 "Are we predestined to take the path we follow?"
00:06:00 [whirring]
00:06:02 I was born in Leamington, now officially known as Royal Leamington Spa,
00:06:06 moderately famous for the manufacture of gas cookers.
00:06:10 The year was 1942,
00:06:12 when the period of gestation ended on the 7th of February
00:06:15 during a rather botched-up air raid in which the Germans thought they were hitting Coventry.
00:06:20 [explosion]
00:06:23 My parents, Tim and Beryl--
00:06:25 sorry, Tim and Betty--
00:06:28 were outraged when I arrived because they'd been expecting a heterosexual black Jew
00:06:32 with several rather amusing birth deformities, as they needed the problems.
00:06:36 [explosion]
00:06:39 They lived in an enormous Gothic castle in the south of France
00:06:43 called "Dumb Drinking Gin and Slimline Tonic with Ice but No Lemonine,"
00:06:46 which was originally built by Marco Polo for himself and a few friends
00:06:50 he wanted to invite round to his place after the pub closed.
00:06:53 [whirring]
00:06:56 [laughter]
00:06:59 [music]
00:07:01 I must admit, so far, that this has not had much more than a grain of truth in it,
00:07:09 but it is more interesting than all the usual humdrum wetting of nappies and later pants
00:07:15 and not being allowed to sit next to Lottie the Czech Slovakian Girl
00:07:18 because I once shat myself, seeing bits of people hanging from trees--
00:07:22 oh, that does sound interesting. Perhaps I should put that down.
00:07:27 I was three at the time, and my mother wanted to take me along to see my father.
00:07:32 [whimpering]
00:07:35 [whimpering]
00:07:38 [whimpering]
00:07:41 Walter?
00:07:43 Sorry, dear, I'm busy.
00:07:45 Hey, you! That sack's already got two legs in it.
00:07:49 Walter, dear, we were just out shopping, and I thought that you had my leg.
00:07:54 Look, dear, can't you come back later?
00:07:56 Has anyone found that head yet?
00:07:59 Hey, has anyone in this street found a head?
00:08:02 Oh, come on, someone must have it.
00:08:04 I know this street could steal anything.
00:08:06 I mean, what the bloody hell are you going to do with a head?
00:08:09 [whistling]
00:08:12 Well, dear, perhaps we'll go and get your tea.
00:08:15 What? Oh, yes, egg on toast, please.
00:08:18 Left arm here. Anyone missing a left arm?
00:08:22 We haven't got any eggs. There is a wall of them.
00:08:25 Ask Harold. Something's bound to fall off the back of the lorry.
00:08:28 All right, dear. Come on, Graham, stop staring at all that blood.
00:08:32 It won't do you any good.
00:08:34 Oh, come on, Mum, this must be one of my major formative experiences.
00:08:37 [screaming]
00:08:39 [train whistle]
00:08:41 [train whistle]
00:08:43 [music]
00:08:58 Eton.
00:09:00 Summer term, or waps as we called it, seemed to have dragged on endlessly.
00:09:05 The smell of freshly mown grass wafted over from far off Hayes Meadow.
00:09:10 The village clock chimed in the distance,
00:09:13 and somewhere, miles above our petty earth,
00:09:16 a wisp of cloud took flame from the dying embers of the setting sun.
00:09:20 They combined to produce an atmosphere so redolent of this type of writing.
00:09:25 [music]
00:09:32 Yan Victoria Tam Facilis Scrotum Nome Valet.
00:09:36 [music]
00:09:45 We always beat Harrow anyway. Why bother?
00:09:48 [music]
00:09:52 Oh, a Chapman, sir. May I clean your teeth tonight? Oh, please.
00:09:57 Why don't you bugger off, shag-spot.
00:10:00 Oh!
00:10:02 Thank you, sir.
00:10:04 Plucky little squid, that young Macmillan. Should go far.
00:10:08 In a few days, I will be a niece,
00:10:13 soaking up the sun at the side of my father's pool
00:10:16 while Jenkins hovered by with a tray of vodkatinis.
00:10:20 [music]
00:10:25 Would you like another sandwich, dear?
00:10:28 What?
00:10:30 They're your favorite sandwich spread.
00:10:33 [music]
00:10:35 So this is niece?
00:10:37 [thunder]
00:10:39 What do you mean, niece? This is Scarborough.
00:10:42 You do too much reading.
00:10:44 It'll do you more good if you eat your tea.
00:10:47 Quite right. You can't get through to him when he's got a book in his hand.
00:10:51 What is it, anyway?
00:10:52 It's called Claudius the God by Robert Graves,
00:10:55 a fine historical reconstruction of the life of Claudius, the Republican Roman Emperor,
00:10:59 thought of in his time as a pitiful fool,
00:11:01 though the reign Mr. Graves describes is far from folly.
00:11:04 Is it?
00:11:06 Hmph.
00:11:10 Anyway, finish your tea. We ought to go and get the haddock for Mrs. Riches.
00:11:14 There's plenty of time for that later on.
00:11:16 Traxtors doesn't close till five.
00:11:18 They're bound to be out of haddock by then.
00:11:20 We'll get halibut.
00:11:22 Mrs. Riches especially asked for the haddock.
00:11:25 Oh, haddock, halibut, cod, there's no difference.
00:11:28 It's all fish.
00:11:30 Let's just sit here for a bit and enjoy the view.
00:11:33 It's raining.
00:11:34 It's bracing. You should have your window open, lad.
00:11:37 Get a bit of ozone in your lungs.
00:11:41 Ozone is oxygen in a condensed state having three atoms to the molecule O3.
00:11:46 What you can smell is rotting seaweed.
00:11:49 Well, it's good for you.
00:11:50 No, it isn't.
00:11:51 Don't argue with your father.
00:11:53 It's those fancy books he's been reading.
00:11:55 You can't learn everything out of books, my lad.
00:11:57 There's no argument. It's a fact.
00:12:00 Stop it, Graham.
00:12:01 Now, come on, and we'll go and get the fish.
00:12:03 No, we won't. We'll stay here.
00:12:05 I think we should go and get the fish.
00:12:10 That ship over there is bringing wood from Norway.
00:12:14 Coniferous wood, used in the paper manufacturing industry since the late 15th century.
00:12:20 But the first paper mill in England was owned by John Tate in Hertford,
00:12:25 a manufacturer of continuous length, however, was...
00:12:27 Oh, the Tates. Wasn't their youngest walking about with that fiery mastel?
00:12:32 No.
00:12:34 This process was developed by the stationers, Messrs. H and S. Faudrinier.
00:12:38 It was her. You remember.
00:12:40 She was the one that got all the spots at secretarial college.
00:12:43 Quiet, Edith.
00:12:45 The Faudriniers were assisted in this by Mr. Brian Donkin, an inventor and engineer.
00:12:51 Brian Donkin? Wasn't his stab uncle, Stephanie, a wholesale poultry in Petering Parth?
00:12:57 No.
00:12:58 Yes, he was.
00:12:59 It was their youngest that moved downstairs next door to the chemist in Wimbledon,
00:13:03 nearly opposite the gantries.
00:13:05 Shut up.
00:13:08 Do you realize that if you look out there on a very clear day, you can't quite see Denmark?
00:13:15 I think we should get the haddock.
00:13:17 Will you shut up about the bloody haddock?
00:13:20 Every bloody year...
00:13:21 Language.
00:13:23 Every year, our summer holiday consists of two weeks in Scarborough, Filey or Bridlington,
00:13:28 sitting in a car in the rain, bickering.
00:13:31 Why don't we go to bloody Denmark?
00:13:33 Language.
00:13:38 We did promise haddock.
00:13:40 Oh, all right. We'll go and get your bloody, flaming, bloody haddock.
00:13:45 The problem with you two is you don't appreciate the beauties of nature.
00:13:55 What's that you've got back there?
00:13:58 It's a book.
00:13:59 What book?
00:14:00 I, Biggles, by Captain W.E. Graves.
00:14:03 Captain, eh? That sounds better.
00:14:23 [Music]
00:14:30 [Music]
00:14:40 [Music]
00:14:50 [Music]
00:15:00 [Music]
00:15:10 [Music]
00:15:20 [Music]
00:15:32 Everything OK, Skipper?
00:15:34 Tell you what, old man, having a bit of trouble with this one.
00:15:37 Could you just pop your hand out my Mae West, old tapir?
00:15:41 Well, if that's an order, old giddy-mot.
00:15:44 It is.
00:15:45 Righty-ho, here it comes, old bison.
00:15:49 [Laughter]
00:15:57 Don't stop now. I'm nearly there.
00:15:59 Oh, so am I.
00:16:01 [Music]
00:16:30 What about me?
00:16:32 Oh, fuck off, Ginger.
00:16:37 It's a heck of a lot of them.
00:16:59 I'll just jolly well sit down here and improve the bally-old mind a little, don't you know?
00:17:05 The complete works of Captain W.E. Johns,
00:17:08 How to Speak English in Other Languages,
00:17:10 The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud.
00:17:16 In the following lecture, I, Sigmund Freud,
00:17:19 shall prove the entire psychology of man can only be understood
00:17:24 with the reference to the science of navigation.
00:17:27 Spot on.
00:17:28 In relation to this,
00:17:30 I remember a young adolescent who was having reoccurring dreams about flying.
00:17:39 A fictional aviator called Bigglesworth and his companions
00:17:43 are attempting to escape from a fucker wolf,
00:17:46 which is pursuing them and shooting at them.
00:17:49 A typical dream recall of a particularly exciting episode of an adventure story for boys.
00:17:54 Or so it would seem.
00:17:58 Let's look at the dream more closely.
00:18:00 The first thing we notice is that throughout the scene,
00:18:03 we see navigational elements hidden not so far below the surface.
00:18:09 A compass indicating the plane's direction of travel.
00:18:15 A map behind the aviators telling them where they are going.
00:18:19 All unmistakable symptoms of a navigational obsession.
00:18:25 Note also the use of zoological terminology in their navigational exchange with one another.
00:18:31 Old bison, old tapir, and even old gilmour
00:18:35 clearly indicates the yearning for a pre-rational animal state of existence
00:18:40 in which navigation is not yet distinguishable from simply running around.
00:18:46 The boy patient clearly identifies himself with the minor character, Ginger,
00:18:50 who is excluded from the adventure because he is navigationally inadequate.
00:18:56 Ginger? That's mean.
00:18:59 Inadequate? What a badly awful tone, don't you know, what ho-old chap?
00:19:15 You've been bloody reading again.
00:19:17 I haven't.
00:19:19 Well, what's this in my hand?
00:19:21 Oh, it's the interpretation of dreams by Sigmund Freud,
00:19:24 probably his most original work,
00:19:26 in which he discovered a way of exploring the unconscious
00:19:29 and found that neurotic symptoms are like dreams
00:19:31 in that they are a product of conflict and compromise
00:19:34 between the conscious and unconscious states.
00:19:36 He was able to--
00:19:37 Is it? What's this?
00:19:40 Looking at the mother's breast is the starting point for the whole sexual life,
00:19:47 the unmatched prototype of every later sexual satisfaction.
00:19:52 I've got the habit. Now, what were you saying?
00:19:55 Oh, another book, dear.
00:19:58 What is it this time?
00:20:00 Nothing. Just a road map.
00:20:04 Who's Freud, then?
00:20:06 He's an expert on navigation. Very interesting.
00:20:10 His theories of navigation, you see, longitude and latitude, that sort of thing.
00:20:15 Ah, well, that's enough of that.
00:20:17 Let's get back to Mrs Richards with this harep.
00:20:20 Right.
00:20:22 Quite a lot happened over the next few years.
00:20:32 A disastrous sexual experiment with Rita Blake,
00:20:35 my first love affair with another boy,
00:20:39 stuffing snails into a gate post with a net boy,
00:20:42 the hen-stealing nuns,
00:20:45 pig-shit freedom,
00:20:47 Miss Chamberlain's three consecutive head girls pregnant,
00:20:52 my questions about ejaculation to a biology master,
00:20:55 Albert the groundsman,
00:20:57 me holding hands with Mark Collins in the math class,
00:21:00 painting John Wilder black,
00:21:02 who knows Eskimo now,
00:21:04 the tuna bowl party,
00:21:07 and elderly skimsters wanking off birthday cakes.
00:21:12 But such trivia needs no elaboration.
00:21:15 One childhood is much like another.
00:21:17 Amateur psychologists who think it clever to explain the character of the later man
00:21:21 for a jumble of large and fictitious memories
00:21:23 can ferret for their filth in other people's water biographies.
00:21:28 (whistling)
00:21:30 (whistling)
00:21:32 (whistling)
00:21:34 (whistling)
00:21:36 (whistling)
00:21:38 (whistling)
00:21:40 (whistling)
00:21:42 (whistling)
00:21:44 In the spring of 1960's Plunge,
00:21:47 John Cleese and Graham Chapman
00:21:49 thought they might like to do another television programme.
00:21:52 In another part of London,
00:21:54 Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Eric Idle
00:21:57 and an American draft dodger, and who can blame him,
00:22:00 called Terry Vance Gilliam,
00:22:02 thought they would too.
00:22:04 Me.
00:22:06 I still like owl-stretching time.
00:22:08 Of course, it was my idea. Terry Jones.
00:22:10 (whistling)
00:22:12 And lots of noises only the Welsh can make.
00:22:14 I still like a horse a bucket and a spoon, his suggestion.
00:22:18 Jay Cleese. Look, you Welsh git,
00:22:20 we discarded that about two hours ago.
00:22:23 Oh, fucking hell.
00:22:25 I remember not being particularly interested
00:22:27 in the debate about titles.
00:22:29 Had I given up medicine for trivia such as this?
00:22:32 Aren't we able to talk about things?
00:22:35 Yes, but do we have to go on and on about it
00:22:37 in such a high-pitched voice?
00:22:39 (imitates high-pitched voice)
00:22:41 John Cleese guffaws like a barrister having made his point.
00:22:43 This winds Terry Jones up to near violence.
00:22:45 Of course I go on about it.
00:22:47 It's fucking important.
00:22:49 Terry, would you or would you not say
00:22:51 that we Welsh have already agreed that we don't like it?
00:22:54 Characteristic of his temperament,
00:22:56 T. Jones calms down instantly
00:22:58 having vented his glean on inanimate objects.
00:23:01 (whistling)
00:23:03 I still like owl-stretching time.
00:23:06 M. Palin.
00:23:08 No, I've gone off that a bit.
00:23:10 I prefer sex and violence.
00:23:12 But I do think Terry's got a point
00:23:14 about a horse a bucket and a spoon.
00:23:16 Oh, sorry. Sorry, Graham, you're doing all the voices in this bit, aren't you?
00:23:19 Oh, shut up.
00:23:21 M. Palin.
00:23:25 No, I've gone off that a bit. I prefer sex and violence.
00:23:28 But I do think Terry's got a point about a horse a bucket and a spoon.
00:23:31 Oh, come off it.
00:23:33 And so it was decided to call it...
00:23:35 Monty Python's Flying Circus.
00:23:38 (all gasp)
00:23:46 (all laugh)
00:23:49 (all gasp)
00:23:51 Cambridge.
00:24:05 A university town built in a featureless, flat landscape.
00:24:09 So featureless and flat, you wonder why anyone chose it as a location for anything.
00:24:18 The magnificence of St John's,
00:24:20 the noteworthy splendour of Trinity,
00:24:22 the sheer pauntliness of the banks,
00:24:25 and some very high walls,
00:24:28 behind which a semi-aristocratic elite
00:24:31 could hide from the outside world and go to each other's rooms for sharing.
00:24:35 And gazing at the magnificent, noteworthy, sheer splendour
00:24:45 of the Paltry King's College Chapel,
00:24:47 it would be a world-weary traveller indeed who did not pause to think,
00:24:51 "Why the fuck didn't they build a whole town two inches to the right?"
00:24:55 Sorry!
00:25:14 (indistinct chatter)
00:25:16 (church bell tolls)
00:25:29 (church bells toll)
00:25:31 Hmm.
00:25:46 Hmm.
00:25:52 Hmm.
00:25:57 Hmm.
00:25:59 (screams)
00:26:08 Stop! Everybody stop! Right!
00:26:10 If I find any more of you bloody idiots heating up ether over an open flame,
00:26:15 I'll... I'll kill you!
00:26:17 I've been a munitions expert in two world wars
00:26:20 to get slaughtered by a load of ignorant tits.
00:26:22 If you don't know what you're doing, get out!
00:26:27 (liquid pouring)
00:26:29 (clears throat)
00:26:35 - So, Chapman. - Yes?
00:26:39 Let's see.
00:26:41 Oh, now, do you play rugby?
00:26:44 I play for Melton Moby Rugby Football Club, first team.
00:26:48 - What position do you play? - Second row.
00:26:51 That's good. We need a second row.
00:26:54 Absolutely.
00:26:56 We'll see you in September.
00:26:59 There is just one small matter, of course.
00:27:03 - What? - Just a formality.
00:27:05 Your A-level results. You're taking three A-levels.
00:27:09 Oh, yes. Will you pass physics?
00:27:12 No.
00:27:14 Why not?
00:27:16 - Well, I'm not sure. - Not sure?
00:27:19 That means you're in doubt.
00:27:22 Well, no. Do you mean yes?
00:27:25 Uh, yes.
00:27:27 So, a pass may be possible, yes?
00:27:30 - Uh, yes, possible. - Probably.
00:27:33 Well, I, uh... Let me put it another way.
00:27:37 Are you going to fail?
00:27:40 No.
00:27:42 No?
00:27:49 How did it go?
00:27:51 Oh, fine. Mind you, I've got to pass physics.
00:27:54 Well, you'll do that, won't you?
00:27:57 I'm thinking about this juncture.
00:28:07 It would be wise to point out to those of you who haven't noticed,
00:28:11 and God knows it's apparent enough,
00:28:13 Jonathan Miller and myself come from good families
00:28:16 and the benefits of a public school education,
00:28:19 whereas the other two members of the cast have worked their way up
00:28:23 from working-class origins.
00:28:25 And yet Jonathan and I are working together with them in the cast...
00:28:30 ..and treating them as equals.
00:28:38 And I'd like to say it's proven to be a most enjoyable,
00:28:43 worthwhile and stimulating experience for both of us.
00:28:46 Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan?
00:28:48 Certainly, and I'm most impressed by the whole thing.
00:28:51 It's... It's your results.
00:28:55 Ah.
00:28:57 What... What does it say?
00:29:08 It says... It says...
00:29:12 Three passes!
00:29:14 That means you win, doesn't it?
00:29:17 Well done, Graham.
00:29:19 I had been accepted by Emanuel College.
00:29:24 I'd bought a gown, several club tyres,
00:29:26 walked around in a tweed suit with a pipe and tried to look clever.
00:29:30 The pipe was very useful because it meant that if anyone said anything
00:29:33 I didn't understand, I could puff on it and seem incredibly deep in thought.
00:29:37 The tweed suit didn't fool anybody,
00:29:39 but the pipe worked a treat.
00:29:41 In tutorials, I was asked fewer questions.
00:29:44 It also helped clobber the stench of formalin in the dissecting rooms.
00:29:48 Describe the vagina.
00:29:53 (Groans)
00:29:55 Kevin!
00:29:59 Um, right.
00:30:01 Well, it's a sensitive organ.
00:30:04 What do you mean?
00:30:06 Well, it's about four and a half inches long,
00:30:10 and it's, um, very sensitive.
00:30:12 Bald!
00:30:14 The only thing sensitive about the vagina is in the front of it, lad!
00:30:18 Apart from a certain sensation
00:30:20 because something has passed through the perineal muscular jar,
00:30:24 the vagina itself is virtually numb!
00:30:27 Your answer shows not only a lack of anatomical knowledge
00:30:32 but a complete social ignorance.
00:30:35 You've obviously never slept with a woman!
00:30:39 (Groans)
00:30:42 (Groaning)
00:30:44 Not that bit.
00:30:49 (Groaning)
00:30:51 I'm awfully sorry, old chap, but sex is a rather difficult subject
00:30:55 and I don't know what came over me.
00:30:57 Oh, well, better go and have lunch, I suppose.
00:30:59 Anyone coming to the bun shop?
00:31:02 Oh, thank God! That was a short tutorial.
00:31:05 In my first year at Cambridge, I tried to join the Footlights Club,
00:31:13 realising that the only reason I'd gone there in the first place
00:31:16 was that I'd seen a television version of a Footlights annual review.
00:31:20 I impersonated a carrot
00:31:22 and a man with iron fingertips being pulled offstage
00:31:25 by an enormous man.
00:31:27 (Door opens)
00:31:29 Really stupid!
00:31:31 In the same set of auditions,
00:31:33 John Cleese did a routine of trampling on hamsters
00:31:37 and can still do a good pain-ridden squeak.
00:31:40 (Squeaks)
00:31:42 (Squeaks)
00:31:45 (Squeaks)
00:31:48 How about that?
00:31:52 (Laughter)
00:31:54 We were both selected, and very soon we were able to wear
00:31:57 black taffeta sashes with "Ars est calere" - "Art and Honour."
00:32:01 The art was to conceal the art.
00:32:03 March 1964.
00:32:09 The new biochemistry and physiology block
00:32:12 was being opened by Her Majesty the Queen Mother.
00:32:15 At the time, being Secretary of the Students' Union,
00:32:18 I was invited to join Her Majesty the Queen Mother
00:32:21 for tea with other representatives of the student body
00:32:24 after her tour of the new premises.
00:32:26 I was very pleased to find out that she had asked to come to tea
00:32:30 with the students and not with a lot of old gits
00:32:33 in red gowns and a stupid floppy hat.
00:32:36 Oh, yeah.
00:32:48 How do you take yours?
00:32:50 Gin and slimline tonic with ice but no lemon in, Your Majesty.
00:32:54 Charles!
00:32:57 During tea, I explained to Her Majesty that I had the offer
00:33:01 of going to New Zealand as a member of the cast of Cambridge Circus,
00:33:05 but that this would mean taking six months off medicine,
00:33:08 and my parents had yelped strongly against this.
00:33:11 You really must see New Zealand. It's a very beautiful place.
00:33:17 (THUD)
00:33:18 (LAUGHTER)
00:33:20 My sexual life consisted of going to bed with women
00:33:27 while dreaming about men.
00:33:29 The first one was the student's traditional friend, a nurse.
00:33:33 She was rather podgy and extremely repellent,
00:33:36 but I just wanted to get my end away.
00:33:38 She was a real lie down and think of hockey in England type,
00:33:43 and after a brief grope... Stop it.
00:33:45 ..that was not enthusiastically received,
00:33:47 I looked her hard in the breasts and thought, "Yuck!
00:33:50 "The bar's still open. I'll get rid of her."
00:33:52 There was another female student.
00:33:57 She was getting a lot of attention from the lads,
00:33:59 but of a rather fawning, not daring to ask nature.
00:34:02 I sat down at her table.
00:34:04 Ignoring her minions, I boldly passed her a plate of sandwich spread sandwiches
00:34:09 and asked her if she'd go.
00:34:11 She was intelligent enough to say, "See you in my room tonight."
00:34:14 We had a bloody good time for a whole year.
00:34:17 She was athletic and imaginative.
00:34:19 We went right through the card.
00:34:21 It wasn't just British missionary, but doggy on the floor,
00:34:24 on the floor standing, on the desk, in the shower, in the bath,
00:34:27 near the bath, at someone else's place while they weren't looking,
00:34:30 and in a guard's van through the whole of Birmingham.
00:34:33 The description of this passage has made me feel...
00:34:36 Excuse me.
00:34:38 That's better.
00:34:41 I liked the experience, but after about nine months or so,
00:34:45 it began to pour, and I felt I would rather spend more time
00:34:48 in the bar drinking with the lads.
00:34:50 This is hardly even partly true in retrospect.
00:34:53 It's just that I definitely do remember once or twice
00:34:56 thoughts of men's bodies creeping into my mind while in Curtis.
00:35:09 I decided that I should do some clinical tests on myself.
00:35:13 So whenever I went in a taxi cab, tube, train or bus,
00:35:17 I looked at each passer-by and tried to tell myself honestly
00:35:20 which ones I would like to go to bed with.
00:35:23 And the ratio of boys to girls was something like seven to three,
00:35:29 which puts me clearly on the homosexual side of the scale
00:35:32 as suggested in the Kinsey report.
00:35:35 [birds chirping]
00:35:37 Look, he says he's on tour with something called Cambridge Circus.
00:35:43 A review.
00:35:44 The Queen Mother told him, you know,
00:35:47 and as Her Majesty was telling Graham,
00:35:49 New Zealand is such a beautiful place,
00:35:52 she said he really had to go and see it.
00:35:54 It's by royal command, really.
00:36:01 [whistles]
00:36:04 A trip to New Zealand and America
00:36:09 made me a little more broad-minded about myself
00:36:12 and immediately after qualifying,
00:36:13 I gave up medicine and became a raging poof.
00:36:17 But no mincing, a butch one with a pipe.
00:36:20 Graham Taxi's here for the BBC.
00:36:30 [music]
00:36:33 [typing]
00:36:36 [music]
00:36:57 [music]
00:37:00 [applause]
00:37:22 [applause]
00:37:25 Thank you very much indeed.
00:37:29 Tonight, class.
00:37:31 Some people say it's disappearing,
00:37:33 but if modern advertising is the...
00:37:36 Action!
00:37:39 [knocking]
00:37:42 Come in.
00:37:43 Ah, come in, Tom. Nice to see you.
00:37:48 Sign me a little, chap.
00:37:49 Thank you, sir.
00:37:50 [laughter]
00:37:52 Don't sit on the floor, Thompson.
00:37:53 Sit on the chair.
00:37:54 [laughter]
00:37:56 Good. Well, how are you, Thompson?
00:37:58 Fine, sir.
00:37:59 Good. Splendid. You look well.
00:38:01 I was talking this morning to, uh, to Miss Evans.
00:38:03 Eggie.
00:38:04 About your Latin verse.
00:38:05 A bit shaky.
00:38:06 Phrases all right, but the verse is weak.
00:38:07 Yes, sir.
00:38:08 You've got to do something about it, you know.
00:38:09 It's very important.
00:38:10 Yes, sir.
00:38:11 Hmm.
00:38:12 Thompson, have you been shot?
00:38:15 [laughter]
00:38:16 Yes, sir. Just a bit.
00:38:18 [laughter]
00:38:20 Well, who shot you, a monster or a boy?
00:38:22 A boy, sir.
00:38:23 Very good.
00:38:24 [laughter]
00:38:26 [music]
00:38:30 Hi, guys.
00:38:31 Hello, hello.
00:38:32 Super show tonight.
00:38:33 Super.
00:38:34 Look, I can't stop.
00:38:35 Got a flight to catch.
00:38:36 I was thinking you boys ought to write a film script.
00:38:39 It'll be super.
00:38:40 Absolutely super.
00:38:42 I'm sending you off to Spain to write the script.
00:38:44 It'll be great fun.
00:38:45 Anyway, I've got to go.
00:38:46 They're calling my flight.
00:38:48 Bye.
00:38:49 Super.
00:38:50 [music]
00:39:02 Well, now we're here, the first thing we should do
00:39:05 is examine all the beaches to find out which will be
00:39:08 the best place to write a film set in London.
00:39:11 Well, usually it takes me about two weeks to get acclimatized
00:39:15 and I still haven't thrown off this throat.
00:39:18 It is rather hot, isn't it?
00:39:20 I'm feeling a bit groggy myself.
00:39:22 Perhaps a couple of weeks rest might be a good idea.
00:39:25 Do you think we should?
00:39:27 I mean, David Frost and all that, he hasn't paid us well.
00:39:30 Yes, I suppose you're right.
00:39:32 Yes, well, I'll probably be all right tomorrow.
00:39:36 Yes, yes, right, that's fine.
00:39:38 Yes, we'll start tomorrow, first thing in the morning.
00:39:41 Right, yes, yes, yes, fine then.
00:39:43 I'll sit in the shade with the typewriter
00:39:45 and you can sit out on the balcony in the sun sunning yourself
00:39:48 and shout a few lines in, right?
00:39:50 Fine, great.
00:39:51 [music]
00:39:54 Oh, Bucca, great, do you mind if we don't start
00:39:57 until the evening, actually?
00:39:59 I promised I'd take Connie to Calabasas tomorrow
00:40:01 and she's only got a few more days here.
00:40:03 A bit awkward to get out of it now, you know?
00:40:05 Oh, that's fine by me.
00:40:07 We have done the synopsis of the film.
00:40:09 I mean, I wouldn't mind taking a little time off.
00:40:11 So we'll start on Friday, yes?
00:40:13 Yes, right.
00:40:15 Um, it'll be a bit noisy, but will you shut us up a little bit?
00:40:19 Noisy?
00:40:20 Well, there's the fiesta this weekend,
00:40:22 lots of dancing, fireworks, wine, that sort of thing.
00:40:25 Oh, I've never been to Spain before.
00:40:27 Haven't you?
00:40:28 Oh, well, you must then, you must go to the fiesta.
00:40:31 So let's have a drink.
00:40:33 That brings us to Monday.
00:40:35 We'll start on Monday.
00:40:36 No, we'll have a Monday and Tuesday of Connie's last two days.
00:40:39 I'd like to see her off at the airport on Wednesday,
00:40:41 so let's start Thursday.
00:40:43 Look, why don't we make it two weeks?
00:40:45 Done.
00:40:46 Oh.
00:40:47 I say.
00:40:53 That's looking bad.
00:40:56 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:40:59 I spent the next two weeks searching for something
00:41:24 that I knew was probably very sexy.
00:41:27 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:30 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:33 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:37 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:40 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:52 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:56 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:41:59 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:42:17 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:42:20 [LAUGHS]
00:42:36 Super, boys, super, really super.
00:42:43 I look forward to reading more than 10 pages.
00:42:46 Oh, got to fly.
00:42:47 Bye.
00:42:48 Bring, bring.
00:42:58 Bring, bring.
00:43:01 Hello?
00:43:02 [HUMMING]
00:43:04 Who was that?
00:43:05 Oh, it was one of the painters.
00:43:07 It sounded like one of the painters
00:43:09 I've spoken to before.
00:43:10 Well, yes, it probably did a bit.
00:43:12 It's a bit late for a painter, isn't it?
00:43:15 No, no, you just don't understand, London mother.
00:43:17 This is not like Lester.
00:43:20 For a whole year, I'd lived in terror,
00:43:22 an almost Thorpean terror of being
00:43:24 found out for what I was, a poof.
00:43:27 Fuck it, I thought.
00:43:28 Why go through all this agony?
00:43:30 I decided that I would invite my closest friends to a party
00:43:33 to meet David and explain to them all that I was a bit bent.
00:43:38 This was a coming out party.
00:43:40 [DOORBELL RINGS]
00:43:41 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:43:45 [CHATTER]
00:43:48 No, no, Greg, you don't understand.
00:43:52 I'm just very surprised, because ever since I've known you,
00:43:55 you've played rugby a lot, you've drank a lot of beer,
00:43:58 you smoked a pipe, you wore a tweed suit, and brokes.
00:44:01 And this is not a standard gay profile.
00:44:04 [LAUGHING]
00:44:10 Yes.
00:44:11 [LAUGHING]
00:44:14 [CRASHING]
00:44:15 [LAUGHING]
00:44:18 The other extraordinary action was from Keith Moon,
00:44:24 who was quite stunned.
00:44:26 Obviously, he was quite young then.
00:44:28 But I had to explain to him what it all meant,
00:44:31 that I actually did go to bed with people of the same sex,
00:44:34 and that it was quite fun, and we actually loved each other.
00:44:37 It wasn't at all naughty.
00:44:39 [CHATTER]
00:44:42 [KNOCKING]
00:44:55 Come in.
00:44:56 Trouble at the mill?
00:44:59 Oh, no.
00:45:00 What sort of trouble?
00:45:01 One of Aunt Crossbeam's gone out to skew Aunt Cheddle.
00:45:04 Pardon?
00:45:05 One of Aunt Crossbeam's gone out to skew Aunt Cheddle.
00:45:08 I don't understand what you're saying.
00:45:10 One of the Crossbeams has gone out to skew Aunt Cheddle.
00:45:13 What on earth does that mean?
00:45:15 I don't know.
00:45:16 Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say
00:45:18 that there was trouble at the mill, that's all.
00:45:20 I didn't expect the kind of Spanish Inquisition.
00:45:22 [CRASHING]
00:45:23 [SCREAMING]
00:45:26 Suddenly, I feel like digressing for another moment about morality.
00:45:30 I intend to publish here for the first time
00:45:33 what I believe to be a missing portion of the New Testament.
00:45:38 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:45:40 [PHONE RINGING]
00:45:42 The papyrus manuscript translated here from the original Greek
00:45:51 was discovered in 1979 by the author at Auckland Airport.
00:45:56 [GASP]
00:45:57 He was there in transit to Sydney, Australia,
00:46:01 whiling away a few moments when the manuscript was given to him
00:46:04 by a Maori chieftain toilet attendant.
00:46:07 The first epistle of Paul the Apostle to the New Zealanders,
00:46:11 AD 59, chapter 1, in which Paul castigated the Antipodeans,
00:46:17 empty showing of holiness, of fornicators and abusers of mankind,
00:46:21 of poverty and tolerance, exhorteth them to beware of false prophets.
00:46:26 Dear New Zealanders, what is all this nonsense
00:46:29 about certain of your number kneeling down in front of crosses?
00:46:33 That is naughty in the extreme.
00:46:36 You've changed the glory of an incorruptible God into an image.
00:46:40 I understand that the very same people collect together
00:46:43 in churches for the purpose of worship.
00:46:46 Who needs it? God doesn't, I've asked him.
00:46:48 He's fed up with it, especially the Psalms.
00:46:51 They give him a headache and cause his teeth to strike together.
00:46:54 Don't they realise their praise is meaningless?
00:46:57 Why can't they concentrate on being better behaved towards one another
00:47:01 and not about this empty show of holiness?
00:47:03 He says, though don't quote me on this,
00:47:05 they can stuff it up their arses.
00:47:08 He said that, not I.
00:47:10 I, a mere mortal, would not have put it quite like that.
00:47:14 I'm afraid I think too much about my earthly reputation.
00:47:17 But I cannot help agreeing with him.
00:47:20 About fornicators, adulterers, effeminates and abusers of mankind,
00:47:24 I'm constantly being misquoted on this point.
00:47:27 I would like to state quite clearly that sex is nothing more
00:47:31 than the way in which two or more people can have lots of harmless cheap fun,
00:47:35 provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction.
00:47:39 The betterment of the lot of mankind is impossible
00:47:44 without strict limits on reproduction.
00:47:46 So don't make the mistake the rest of the world has made
00:47:49 and overpopulate yourselves.
00:47:51 Not everyone has to have children, for Christ's sake.
00:47:54 He didn't have any, and I should know.
00:47:57 If you really feel you have to have children,
00:47:59 then make sure that as parents you have no more than you can properly look after.
00:48:04 I exhort you to be empathetic, be splendid,
00:48:08 be aware of your own ignorance,
00:48:11 and as always, beware of those who claim to lead you
00:48:14 to better self-knowledge by taking your money.
00:48:17 Must finish now, as I have to catch the post.
00:48:21 Lots of love. Peace. Kiss, kiss, kiss.
00:48:25 [music]
00:48:50 [knock on door] Mr Chapman! Two minutes to act two, Mr Chapman!
00:48:54 Full of gin and the feeling of superiority over mortals,
00:48:57 which commonly afflicts the adulated,
00:48:59 I had reached my zenith in a naughty and to this day illegal act
00:49:03 upon the floor of an empty dressing room.
00:49:05 # Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
00:49:10 # I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you
00:49:14 # I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs
00:49:20 # You blow me away
00:49:22 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
00:49:26 # I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly
00:49:30 # Life can be fine if we're both 69
00:49:34 # If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
00:49:37 # Till we're blown away
00:49:43 What kind of a fellow is Martin Python, by the way?
00:49:45 Um, he's black.
00:49:47 Black.
00:49:48 And he's, uh, homosexual.
00:49:50 Um, that's about all you can say about him, really.
00:49:52 He's a pretty easy person to sum up.
00:49:54 Good grief, there's no-one to go to bed with.
00:50:03 Where are all the young men around here?
00:50:05 This is absolutely dreadful.
00:50:07 [knock on door]
00:50:10 Ta-da!
00:50:12 Oh, all right.
00:50:14 # Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
00:50:20 # I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
00:50:24 # I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs
00:50:29 # You blow me away
00:50:31 Quiet!
00:50:32 # Sit on my face, brother
00:50:39 # Sit on my face, baby, baby
00:50:43 # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
00:50:47 # Sit on my face in all sorts of places
00:50:51 # Yeah, yeah, yeah #
00:50:55 What's it like being a film star?
00:50:57 Um, not...just, uh...just an extra.
00:51:01 You're just an extra? Yes.
00:51:03 Oh. It's the crown and this that probably...
00:51:06 Yeah, I was looking for a Graham thing.
00:51:09 Ah, yeah, she's around somewhere, is he?
00:51:11 # See all my face
00:51:16 # Come on, baby, let my lips embrace
00:51:20 # Tell me that you love me
00:51:24 # Tell me, tell me, tell me that you love me #
00:51:33 # Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
00:51:37 # I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
00:51:41 # I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs
00:51:46 # You blow me away
00:51:48 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
00:51:52 # I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly
00:51:56 # Life can be fine if you love 69
00:51:59 # Sit on my face in all sorts of places
00:52:01 # And face the face till we're far away. #
00:52:07 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you #
00:52:12 # I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs #
00:52:17 # You blow me away
00:52:19 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you #
00:52:23 # I love to hear you oralise when I'm between your thighs #
00:52:28 # You blow me away
00:52:30 # Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you #
00:52:35 SIGHS
00:52:37 Good afternoon. Baby Hills Hotel reception.
00:52:46 Ah, Los Angeles.
00:52:48 How do you do?
00:52:50 (DISTANT VOCALS)
00:52:52 (DISTANT VOCALS)
00:53:07 (CRASH)
00:53:13 (WATER DRIPS)
00:53:15 Hi! Hi.
00:53:27 Oh! Ain't you that guy?
00:53:31 I'm so thrilled to meet you.
00:53:34 I love your money python.
00:53:39 Shall we go up to my room? Sure!
00:53:42 Mm-hm.
00:53:44 Ah, there. You enjoying that?
00:54:01 Ooh, yeah. Do you feel that?
00:54:04 I feel that.
00:54:06 Let's just get right in there.
00:54:11 (GROANS)
00:54:13 Bye, Graham.
00:54:18 Oh, and do say hello to Monty for me.
00:54:22 Tell him I'm his biggest fan.
00:54:25 That was fun. Zoo!
00:54:38 Um, excuse me. Is there a telephone around here I can use?
00:54:43 Sure. Use the one in my room.
00:54:46 But it's my mother who needs to use the phone.
00:54:49 Well, bring her up to. I don't mind if it's a local call.
00:54:53 (MUMBLES)
00:54:55 Ooh, do that to me. Ooh.
00:55:01 If it's an order, old gilly-mop.
00:55:04 Ooh, big boy.
00:55:06 Mm. Ah!
00:55:08 Touch me here. Oh, my God.
00:55:11 Do it to me there. Right here.
00:55:14 Right there. Ah! Oh, my God.
00:55:17 Yes! Oh, do that to me.
00:55:20 Ooh, big boy.
00:55:22 Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Ah!
00:55:25 Ah! Yes! Oh, my God.
00:55:28 You, in fact, were more than...
00:55:31 ..than drunk on one occasion. You were an alcoholic.
00:55:34 I did a lot of drinking, a great deal, indeed, Michael, yes.
00:55:38 You were an alcoholic. Safely so, yes.
00:55:41 I did do a very great deal.
00:55:43 Now, how much, at your peak, so to speak, how much were you drinking?
00:55:47 Um, four pints of gin a day.
00:55:50 Four pints of gin a day. Yes.
00:55:52 I didn't know Greg was an alcoholic. Did you?
00:55:55 Why was that, do you think?
00:55:57 Ah, I think... Well, I don't know, really, to be honest with you.
00:56:01 Deep inside, I think, actually, that I was insecure.
00:56:05 I didn't really feel that I deserved the success that I'd achieved.
00:56:10 Yes, I was going to say, how difficult was it?
00:56:13 Actually, once the decision had been made, once I'd decided to stop,
00:56:17 it was easy, except for the three days of unpleasantness.
00:56:29 I'll get on with you.
00:56:32 (panting)
00:57:00 Language! Language!
00:57:03 You can't learn everything out of this book.
00:57:27 Come with him! Come with him!
00:57:30 Come with him!
00:57:32 Graham, are you all right?
00:57:39 You look a bit pale.
00:57:41 Would you like a cup of tea? And maybe a bit of toast?
00:57:45 With a nice poached egg on top?
00:57:47 No, I'm... I'll... Just... Be...
00:57:51 (stammering)
00:57:53 Later. Get up. You'll be fine.
00:57:57 Er, Vichy Water?
00:57:59 No... Yes, yes.
00:58:01 There.
00:58:03 David, David! Curtains!
00:58:10 Sorry.
00:58:13 (screeching)
00:58:16 (thud)
00:58:18 (roaring)
00:58:43 (roaring)
00:58:45 # Silent night
00:58:59 # Holy night
00:59:03 # Holy sky
00:59:07 # Holy... #
00:59:11 (music stops)
00:59:13 Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all the way...
00:59:19 from a mud wrestling tour of the OPEC countries...
00:59:23 in the red corner, Colleen Bomber-Harris!
00:59:27 (cheering)
00:59:29 And, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner, Colleen Bomber-Harris!
00:59:36 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that Colleen Bomber-Harris has met himself.
00:59:43 A few formalities now, any moment now, we'll be ready for the round one.
00:59:46 Here goes the bell.
00:59:48 He just hit it with a rope!
00:59:50 Colleen moves to the middle of the ring there.
00:59:53 He's looking for an opening. Going for the handhold.
00:59:56 He's got it. Into the head squeeze.
00:59:59 Favourite move of Colleen's is the open stage.
01:00:04 He's got a strong man.
01:00:06 Double overhead nostril.
01:00:08 He's looking pretty rugged.
01:00:10 He's got a lovely move there.
01:00:12 He's caught himself by surprise and put a lovely move there.
01:00:15 Colleen must be pretty pleased with himself, having caught himself after that one.
01:00:19 (roaring)
01:00:21 (music playing)
01:00:23 A little lucky there.
01:00:33 Double eddy claw.
01:00:35 There it is, Colleen's most famous hold.
01:00:37 The one leg over shoulder jerry forward.
01:00:40 He's caught himself there with two forearms.
01:00:42 And Colleen's in real trouble.
01:00:44 And Colleen did not like that one little bit.
01:00:46 Forearms.
01:00:48 Double overhead back kick.
01:00:51 And Colleen must be pretty pleased with himself.
01:00:54 He's in a lovely mood there.
01:00:55 He's caught himself by surprise.
01:00:56 What a lovely move there.
01:00:58 And into the muskray fish.
01:01:00 No, it's a crawfish.
01:01:01 And Colleen bit himself on purpose there.
01:01:03 And he has been given a public warning by the referee.
01:01:06 (music playing)
01:01:08 (laughing)
01:01:12 (roaring)
01:01:17 Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
01:01:22 He's looking pretty rugged.
01:01:23 And that is it.
01:01:24 Colleen Bob Harris has knocked himself out.
01:01:27 And so on.
01:01:28 He is the winner.
01:01:29 And he goes on next week.
01:01:31 And he's himself in the final.
01:01:33 Graham, you're an alcoholic.
01:01:47 Uh, yes.
01:01:49 Do you want not to be?
01:01:51 Yes.
01:01:52 Right.
01:01:53 We'll start the treatment.
01:01:55 Your liver function tests are appalling.
01:01:57 Ten times over the acceptable norm of the gamma GTP, for instance.
01:02:01 But there's no sign of enlargement.
01:02:04 And with a bit of luck, there's a chance that you may not have damaged your liver permanently.
01:02:09 We'll phase out the heminevrin and valium gradually.
01:02:12 And you can take an abstem tablet in the morning and one in the evening.
01:02:17 So that if you drink any alcohol, you'll feel as ill as you were five days ago.
01:02:22 It's up to you whether you drink or not.
01:02:24 It's your liver.
01:02:26 It's your liver.
01:02:28 Oh, dear, Puss, London is far behind us.
01:02:36 What shall we do now?
01:02:37 Meow.
01:02:38 What's that? Sing a song?
01:02:40 Meow.
01:02:41 What now? For all the children?
01:02:43 Meow.
01:02:45 Shall we sing a song, children?
01:02:47 Yes.
01:02:48 Of all the organs, the body contains the liver's the one for me.
01:02:55 It processes food, it deals with the waste, it's cleverer than a knee.
01:02:59 When it cleans up its hands of alcohol and makes you extremely ill,
01:03:03 it's best to take heed, you're not being a weed, you're just being sensible.
01:03:07 You've only got two stations.
01:03:16 I bought Mariborne for you last time you landed on Graham's Hotel in the old Kent Road.
01:03:20 I'll give you the water, Willis.
01:03:22 I don't want it. Perhaps Graham does.
01:03:24 Graham? Do you want the waterworks?
01:03:26 No, I'll buy the camello part.
01:03:28 What?
01:03:29 It's a camel that looks like a leopard. A giraffe.
01:03:32 Ha, he's gone again.
01:03:34 Oh.
01:03:35 Do you know, last time I was in Paris, I really did ring Jean-Paul Sarch,
01:03:47 and Simon de Beauvoir answered the phone and said that he was out distributing leaflets.
01:03:51 Or was that a sketch?
01:03:53 # It's Christmas time
01:03:57 # It's Christmas in heaven
01:04:05 # There's great films on TV... #
01:04:08 Do I talk here? No, Graham, that's the table lamp.
01:04:15 Oh, right. The microphone's on your right. Right.
01:04:18 Good. Take 59.
01:04:20 You bastards, we've been planning this for months!
01:04:22 Oh, tough titty for you, fish face!
01:04:24 The raid backfires.
01:04:26 Brian is captured and all the rest are killed.
01:04:28 Brian, beaten, bruised and bleeding, is thrown into Pilots' darkest stinking dungeon.
01:04:33 That was marvellous.
01:04:35 Oh, you lucky bastard.
01:04:42 Brian is on the run from the Romans
01:04:47 and to avoid capture, pretends to be a lobster.
01:04:50 Sorry, Graham, to stop you, we had a rogue lobster in there.
01:04:53 Oh, I'm sorry. Are you ready?
01:04:55 Brian, trailer, take 60.
01:04:57 Brian is on the run from the Romans and to avoid lobster, pretends...
01:05:01 Sorry, we should have a colony of lobsters in there, Graham.
01:05:04 Well, all right. Take 61.
01:05:06 Brian is on the run from the Romans and to avoid capture, pretends to...
01:05:10 Oh, stop it again. Sorry. Sorry.
01:05:12 Let's move on.
01:05:14 It's certainly clean.
01:05:16 An unbeliever!
01:05:18 An unbeliever!
01:05:20 Persecute, kill the heretic!
01:05:22 Kill! Kill! Kill!
01:05:24 Kill! Kill! Kill!
01:05:26 Leave him alone!
01:05:28 Brian seizes the opportunity to escape from the crowd and goes home with Judith.
01:05:34 Alone together at last, the two rush naked at each other
01:05:37 and meet in a frenzy of darting tongues, grabbing her...
01:05:40 - What? - It's been cut.
01:05:42 - Has it? - Yes, all of it, I'm afraid.
01:05:44 - A bit more. - Yes, the boys love the lobster idea,
01:05:46 so they're going to reshoot that bit.
01:05:48 Oh, I know.
01:05:50 OK, next bit, Graham, please. Take 62.
01:05:52 You're fucking nicks me, old beauty!
01:05:55 Brian is arrested and taken before pilot,
01:05:58 where he is sentenced to be crucified.
01:06:00 Could we try him on a little lighter, please?
01:06:02 Brian is arrested and taken before pilot.
01:06:05 He's sentenced to be crucified.
01:06:09 Yes, I think that's a little too light.
01:06:11 - What shall I try? - No problem. We'll use the tape before.
01:06:14 First, Graham, we'll be able to make all that work.
01:06:16 - Thanks for coming in. - That's it, is it?
01:06:18 Yes, that's definitely it, if you want to collect your £30 on the way out.
01:06:21 Yeah, £30.
01:06:23 - (CLEARS THROAT) - Yes.
01:06:25 Well, er...
01:06:27 (WHISTLES)
01:06:29 That was lead, so I believe that probably it might be a little, um...
01:06:33 Yes, look, it's not a big-budget movie, you know.
01:06:37 - £30. - I tell you what, we'll have a whip round
01:06:40 and see what exchange we've got, and we should be able to give you another £2.
01:06:43 Ah, yes. Well, all right. Yes.
01:06:46 (CLEARS THROAT)
01:06:48 Bye.
01:06:50 # Friday night
01:06:54 # Saturday morning
01:06:56 # It's a second to last, there's no weekend, darling
01:07:00 # Friday night, Saturday morning at last
01:07:05 (BEEPING)
01:07:07 # You've waited all this time
01:07:10 # So leave your troubles behind
01:07:13 Will you please welcome hard-working mother of one, Graham Chapman.
01:07:17 (APPLAUSE)
01:07:19 You're the smallest little baby.
01:07:21 How beautiful you are, clad.
01:07:27 And so are you.
01:07:29 - You're still brothers, aren't you? - Oh, yeah.
01:07:32 Even though you go about telling people who haven't asked that you're gay?
01:07:37 Yes.
01:07:39 Oh, no! Ah!
01:07:41 (SOBS)
01:07:43 Graham, please don't tell your father. It'll kill him.
01:07:49 - It won't kill him. - It will. It'll kill him.
01:07:53 - Of course it won't. Shut up. - Never mind.
01:07:56 Let's go on to your manifesto.
01:07:59 You said that you would like to state quite clearly
01:08:03 that sex is nothing more than a way in which two or more people
01:08:07 can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,
01:08:11 provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction.
01:08:16 Yes.
01:08:17 Look, Graham, your mother's told me why she's upset.
01:08:20 Don't worry about it.
01:08:22 If you want to go around talking about this stuff, it's fine.
01:08:25 She just doesn't understand these things.
01:08:29 (ENGINE REVVING)
01:08:31 Ladies and gentlemen, it is now two years later
01:08:37 and we'll be shortly arriving in Los Angeles Airport.
01:08:40 Would you please extinguish all cigarettes and fasten your safety belts.
01:08:45 (SPEAKING SPANISH)
01:08:57 (SPEAKING FRENCH)
01:09:00 (SPEAKING FRENCH)
01:09:02 (MUSIC PLAYING)
01:09:14 (MUSIC CONTINUES)
01:09:16 Hmm. Deserted place.
01:09:42 How about open the door?
01:09:44 Hello, Starlight Emergency 24-hour luxury door opening service.
01:09:50 Opening doors to the stars.
01:09:52 Yes, we need someone here straight away to open our door.
01:09:57 It's account number 2248.
01:10:01 Hmm.
01:10:02 Hi.
01:10:09 (CAMERA CLICKS)
01:10:11 Thank you, thank you.
01:10:16 Now, grit the teeth and whet the microtome.
01:10:20 If tea party there be,
01:10:22 let cucumber be slivered to the thinnest with precision
01:10:26 and pressed to its finest slices of good bread.
01:10:31 (SPEAKING SPANISH)
01:10:34 (SPEAKING SPANISH)
01:10:36 Bravo, bravo!
01:10:44 Grandma, isn't that George Lazenby over there?
01:10:58 Seen enjoying a can of specially imported Foster's lager.
01:11:01 What? You mean behind Christopher Isherwood and Georgia Brown,
01:11:04 seen there enjoying a joke with Ian Lafrenne?
01:11:07 Yes, between Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Bo Diddley and the piano,
01:11:11 all seen enjoying a brief rest in a tight schedule.
01:11:14 And who's that with the Hollywood psychiatrist Dr Stuart Lerner?
01:11:20 It could be either Jane Seymour, Jenny Agouta, Susan George,
01:11:24 Shelley Duval or Victor Borger.
01:11:26 Victor Borger?
01:11:28 Sorry, did I say Victor Borger?
01:11:31 Only I also thought I caught sight of Victor Borger
01:11:34 enjoying a quiet word with Charlton Chuck Heston
01:11:37 and screenwriter companion Alan Katz.
01:11:39 Yes, but who's the girl with Stuart Lerner?
01:11:42 Ah, that's Sylvia Christelle.
01:11:45 Good God!
01:11:47 Graham, you realise that in the last few minutes alone
01:11:51 you've dropped no less than 17 famous names?
01:11:54 Have I? I didn't intend to.
01:11:56 It's just that I happen to know these people.
01:11:59 They're friends of mine. They live here.
01:12:02 I want you to repeat what you just said to yourself
01:12:05 and think about it as a medical man.
01:12:08 You mean I've got...
01:12:10 Yes, nivenism.
01:12:12 It's a common enough complication of angelitis.
01:12:15 It's an endemic autobiographical complaint
01:12:18 whereby people live vicariously through the fame of other people.
01:12:23 Ah.
01:12:26 It was, coincidentally, David Frost's 40th birthday party,
01:12:30 his third that afternoon,
01:12:32 and I'd promised to try and look in for a moment or two.
01:12:36 Sylvia!
01:12:42 Sylvia! Sylvia!
01:12:44 Sylvia!
01:12:46 (LAUGHS)
01:12:52 (SILVER PICKS UP)
01:12:54 Real silver.
01:12:56 # Happy birthday
01:12:59 # Dear David Frost
01:13:02 Silver!
01:13:04 # We think you're swell
01:13:07 # You've achieved so much
01:13:11 # And done so well
01:13:15 # That everybody here agrees
01:13:17 # You deserve more OBEs
01:13:20 # And that was the message that was... #
01:13:23 (SCREAMS)
01:13:25 Silver, silver, silver.
01:13:27 Silver. Silver.
01:13:29 On the way out, I consoled and agitated Rod Stewart,
01:13:36 who, unfortunately, had had to come to the party in person.
01:13:39 He'd only got married that morning
01:13:41 and the blow-ups of the happy couple could not be processed in time.
01:13:46 (DOOR OPENS)
01:13:48 (ALL LAUGH)
01:14:01 Hello, Keith. Hello, Graham.
01:14:13 What are you on?
01:14:15 Would you all like to come to a party at my place later on?
01:14:18 I think I'm already at one.
01:14:20 George said he'd try and drop by and I know Harry and Richard are going to be there.
01:14:23 Can I bring Mick and Ronnie? All right, see you later.
01:14:25 And Pete and Ringo. Sure, OK, see you later.
01:14:28 I'm just going to nip off down through Boys Town on the way back.
01:14:31 I want to pick up some Zoom.
01:14:33 I'll bet that's not all.
01:14:35 Graham, you must face up to this name-dropping problem.
01:14:41 What should I do, move to Finland?
01:14:43 You'll just have to sweat it out.
01:14:46 Isn't there anything I can do to speed up my recovery?
01:14:49 There is, but it isn't going to be pleasant, I'm afraid.
01:14:52 Revolsion therapy.
01:14:55 I'm going to prescribe an intensive course of Hollywood parties for you.
01:14:59 It's your only hope.
01:15:01 Oh.
01:15:03 Hello, Graham.
01:15:26 OK.
01:15:28 Is that young lady all right over there, Graham?
01:15:37 It's working, Graham. Stick with it.
01:15:42 (Helicopter blades whirring)
01:15:46 (Explosion)
01:16:10 (Groans)
01:16:12 Good evening, Mr Chapman. I am Jose.
01:16:16 I'll be your star to bear Tucker in her.
01:16:19 To the stars this evening.
01:16:21 Yes, I'm going to go.
01:16:23 I had slipped into a state of inertia.
01:16:31 All further activity seemed pointless.
01:16:34 I decided to have a farewell party.
01:16:38 David made the cucumber sandwiches,
01:16:40 and I slipped out in my beige space suit
01:16:42 to see if the others would be prepared to pop along.
01:16:45 I stepped up nimbly through the airlock
01:16:47 and deftly percolated past Elton John's piano-shaped moon buggy.
01:16:51 He was obviously entertaining David Bowie and Ken Liberace,
01:16:55 so I passed on.
01:16:57 Ho-ho-ho!
01:16:58 I knew the next space vehicle was occupied for an at-home evening
01:17:02 by David Hockney and Alan Bennett, comparing the size of their accents.
01:17:06 Custard cream, David?
01:17:08 Just a very weak Darjeeling, please, Alan.
01:17:11 So I didn't bother with them.
01:17:13 Can you come to our party?
01:17:21 Hello! I'm a Carinidal,
01:17:23 and I have got to do the hovering!
01:17:27 (Gasps)
01:17:28 (Snoring)
01:17:30 (Gasps)
01:17:31 (Snoring)
01:17:33 (Laughs)
01:17:36 (Snoring)
01:17:38 Can you come to our party?
01:17:41 Sorry, Grey, diary's absolutely chock-a-block.
01:18:03 Here lies Oscar Fingal O'Flaherty-Wild, gone out for good.
01:18:08 Can you come to our party?
01:18:26 (Clock ticking)
01:18:28 There is a time in the affairs of Greaves
01:18:37 which, taken at the cludge, leads on to brutalness.
01:18:40 A man is not a wasp, nor Dusseldorf built in a day.
01:18:44 Damon Runyon had a bunion, and for awe, they say, a eye.
01:18:48 What's that supposed to mean?
01:18:50 My heart bakes, a drowsy numbness fills my jets.
01:18:54 Let it be, let it be.
01:18:57 Now, come on, Wild, what does that mean?
01:19:02 It means, your Majesty, it means...
01:19:05 (Farts)
01:19:07 Learn your lines, you had us waiting for hours.
01:19:16 I didn't think anyone'd notice.
01:19:18 No, I suppose they didn't.
01:19:21 The end.
01:19:23 (Applause)
01:19:25 Graham Chapman, co-author of The Parrot Sketch, is no more.
01:19:35 He has ceased to be.
01:19:38 For rest of life, he rests in peace.
01:19:41 He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it,
01:19:47 breezed his last, and gone to meet the great head of light entertainment in the sky.
01:19:55 And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent,
01:20:00 of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence,
01:20:09 should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only 48,
01:20:14 before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable,
01:20:19 and before he'd had enough fun.
01:20:23 Well, I feel that I should say nonsense.
01:20:27 Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard I heard he's from.
01:20:32 And the reason I feel I should say this
01:20:38 is he would never forgive me if I didn't,
01:20:42 if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf.
01:20:49 Anything for him but mindless good taste.
01:21:05 (Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile)
01:21:14 (I've had malonytal chancroids for quite a little while)
01:21:21 (I gave my heart to MSU that lovely night in June)
01:21:30 (I ache for you my darling and I hope you get well soon)
01:21:39 (My penile warts, your herpes, my syphilitic sore)
01:21:48 (Your manilial infection, how I miss you more and more)
01:21:56 (Your doobies itch, my scrub box, our lovely gonorrhoea)
01:22:03 (And we both were lying when we said that we were clear)
01:22:11 (Our syphilitic kisses sealed the secret of our tryst)
01:22:18 (You gave this grotel postule with a quick flick of your wrist)
01:22:25 (Your trichovaginitis, some shivers down my spine)
01:22:32 (I got snail tracks in my anus, when you're cold but I'll keep my mind)
01:22:40 (Conococcal urethritis, strep cococcal baronitis)
01:22:47 (Meningomyelitis, diplococcal kephalitis)
01:22:55 (Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis)
01:23:02 (Syphilitic cauditis, anterior ureitis)
01:23:11 (Conococcal urethritis, strep cococcal baronitis)
01:23:18 (Meningomyelitis, diplococcal kephalitis)
01:23:25 (Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis)
01:23:32 (Syphilitic cauditis, anterior ureitis)
01:23:44 (Sit on my face and tell me that you love me)
01:23:54 (I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too)
01:23:59 (I love to hear you order lies)
01:24:03 (When I'm between your thighs, you blow me away)
01:24:08 (Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you)
01:24:13 (I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly)
01:24:18 (Life can be fine if we're all 69)
01:24:22 (If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play)
01:24:26 (Til we're blown away)
01:24:34 (Cough)
01:24:36 (Oh, terribly sorry)
01:24:38 (Cocococcal urethritis, strep cococcal baronitis)