What do sheep and cocoa have in common? Hopefully nothing, but games may surprise you there.
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00:00 So, when it comes to video games, of course for every super serious narrative and emotional
00:06 throughline you can have, you get an equally silly or over-the-top game that doesn't
00:11 take itself too seriously. And you know what, there are some great jokes in video games
00:16 that are full of nuance, self-referential humour, and consist of complex diatribes and
00:21 dialogues. But we're not talking about those today, we're gonna be talking about the
00:24 dirty jokes, so toss out all of your G-rated sensibilities, as I'm Jules, this is WhatCulture.com,
00:30 and these are 10 Dirty Jokes Hidden In Your Favourite Video Games.
00:34 10. Split What? You're Not Wearing Any Pants - Animal Crossing
00:40 Now Animal Crossing is aimed at children, regardless of how many adults enjoy playing
00:44 it. And the Animal Crossing series, regardless of its audience, is filled with innuendo and
00:48 crude humour, which in part is what makes it so fun. Whether it's catching a beetle
00:53 and getting a joke about stag parties, or the fact the engagement ring in a box that
00:57 Tom Nook sells in New Horizons costs 69,000 bells, and you even get the certainly blink
01:02 and you'll miss it moment where Harve is watching what appears to be a, um, casting
01:06 couch style video and quickly changes it when you enter his place. But one of the best is
01:10 a potential conversation between villagers that goes something like this.
01:14 "Don't look, I've just split my pants." "You aren't wearing any pants, so what
01:18 just split?" "Um, gotta go."
01:21 A solid butt crack joke. Oh ho ho ho. And if that's not funny enough for you, then
01:26 of course there comes a close second, which is the fact that Tom Nook is not actually
01:30 a raccoon, but rather a tanuki, a creature known for having abnormally large testicles.
01:36 Charging 69,000 bells for a ring? Well, that does take some massive balls.
01:41 9. Don't Thrust Deeply Into The Motherland - Command & Conquer
01:46 The third entry in the Red Alert series of the Command & Conquer franchise is filled
01:51 with just as much camp and parody as any of the other games in the series. Replete with
01:55 great lines such as Tim Curry's beautiful delivery of "I'm escaping to the one place
02:00 that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism - SPACE!" Then, of course, you have the
02:05 Soviet faction's hammer tank that spouts solid lines like "Who's ready for a good
02:09 pounding?" But the, uh, creme de la creme, as it were, choice for this entry is Soviet
02:15 General Krukov's chastisement between missions for you taking too long to rescue him. "While
02:20 you were hiding behind your barricades in Leningrad, the enemy was thrusting deeply
02:24 into the Motherland's tender nether regions!" I mean, it speaks for itself.
02:29 8. Her Ladyship My Balls Itch - Dragon Age
02:33 Dragon Age has its fair share of solid dirty jokes, especially amongst the flirty commentary
02:38 you can have with the Warden concerning the licking of lamp posts in winter - which, by
02:42 the way, is an item you can acquire under certain conditions in the expansion pack.
02:47 Perhaps it's a bit sophomoric, but there's some stupid joy to be had in Dragon Age Inquisition
02:51 during the ball when the Herald introduces a certain noblewoman to the crowd. "Her
02:56 Ladyship, my balls itch, of course!" The pun is apparent, especially when the Herald
03:01 then laughs afterwards, so perhaps it's not hidden so well. But you know what, it's
03:10 so over-the-top and stupid, it had to be included in this list.
03:13 7. Spartan Barrack Forward March - Alpha Centauri
03:18 Sid Meier's classic, Alpha Centauri, was released in 1999 and was set in a futuristic
03:23 universe that was essentially what would happen if your civilization playthrough made it to
03:27 space and lasted into the 23rd century. There aren't a whole lot of opportunities for
03:31 good sex jokes in 4X games without getting obscure, you might think at least, but Sid
03:36 Meier's crew thought differently. One of the facilities that you can build on your
03:40 space base is the Network Node. It improves lab efficiency and unlocks alien artefact
03:45 research options. Some of the Spartan soldiers on your base also have something to say about
03:49 the things in their barracks. "I don't know what I've been told, Deirdre's got
03:54 a network node, likes to press the on/off switch, dig that crazy guy and witch." And
04:00 this is spoken in full military cadence with a call and repeat response, followed by a
04:03 command to march.
04:07 6. The Disturbing Truth Behind That Pet Sheep - Total War
04:14 As I mentioned with Alpha Centauri, tactical games are not often filled with blatant innuendo.
04:20 Diablo 2 had a basically naked scorpion-tailed demon, and Nova wears a skin-tight suit in
04:25 StarCraft. Actually, maybe strategy games are replete with sexual references, but Creative
04:29 Assembly's Total War series is not particularly known for them. Cue Total War Rome's numerous
04:34 ancillaries, which are items that boost features for a character, including the courtesan and
04:39 the dancer. But there's an ancillary that really must be mentioned here, and that is
04:44 the pets. And there are a few animals that you can take as pets. A horse, a dog, a lion,
04:49 and a sheep, for instance. The lion has a menacing passage about feeding it human flesh,
04:54 but the description for the item 'pet sheep' is "Being away from home and loved ones
04:59 can be a lonely life." So yeah, after reading that aloud, poor old sheep.
05:04 5. Nintendo Has a Boundary Issue - Zelda and Mario
05:09 I'm not sure if anyone at Nintendo ever told their writers that reading a lady's
05:13 diary without her permission is a kind of breach of privacy, but it seems to be a regular
05:18 occurrence in Nintendo games, and the greatest heroes of their franchise are guilty of the
05:22 deed. In Super Mario RPG for the Schneers, the player, as Mario, gets to examine Princess
05:27 Peach's bedroom. While there, they can examine a nook behind the fireplace and find
05:32 what is referred to as Toadstool's question mark, question mark, question mark, and, in
05:36 the original Japanese version, it's even called Peach's triple X. If Peach is in
05:41 your party, she'll even scold you for violating her privacy.
05:44 Likewise, our good old hero of time Link can violate a young lady's privacy by reading
05:49 a hidden journal which contains a passage suggesting that Link has a horny secret admirer.
05:54 That new guy in town looks like he really knows how to tune a bow. I hope he comes by
05:58 and knocks an arrow for me. It's been way too long.
06:02 I'm just gonna close this book now because that is dirty.
06:05 But speaking of books...
06:06 4. The Sentient Books - Secret of Mana
06:10 In the Schneers' classic Secret of Mana, or Seiken Densetsu 2 in Japan if you want
06:15 to be a weeb about it, there are a pair of enemies that you can fight called the Mystic
06:18 Book and the National Scar. They are sentient books who float around and flip themselves
06:23 open to random pages that then fire off a variety of spells. And one of the pages that
06:27 they can land on, however, does not contain a thunder spell or a fire spell, but instead
06:32 it must be some sort of charm spell? Because sometimes the book enemies will flip open
06:36 to a centerfold-style picture of a nude blonde woman with a heart just above her buttocks.
06:41 The book will then get flustered and flip itself closed before trying again.
06:45 This little tidbit is funny because this came during a time when Nintendo were super conservative
06:49 with its censorship levels, especially for English ports. The theory is that because
06:52 the book flips to the page so rarely, none of the censors ever saw it occur when testing
06:57 the game.
06:58 3. Do You Want Some... Cocoa? - Steam Bot Chronicles
07:03 Steam Bot Chronicles was a great underrated game with an adorable, if not rather depressing
07:08 world, as well as interesting characters and a dark plot twist that was the spice of life,
07:12 my friend. And you know what, spice of life is actually quite applicable here because
07:15 half the cast is named after cooking seasonings. A few of the characters in this game are able
07:20 to be courted in a romantic fashion, and this is where the game can get that little extra
07:24 weird. If you invite a lady up to your apartment and make some dinner with them, you might
07:29 be able to get her into the right mood through food and conversations, and if you have the
07:33 right item you can get her to sit on your bed and clean your ears with a cotton swab.
07:37 No, I'm not joking.
07:39 While she's swabbing your wax deck, you can, as the game calls it, make your move.
07:44 This of course makes her a cup of hot chocolate. Cue the screen going dark and the character
07:49 saying a sultry line like "mmm, delicious". I guess there's a reason that this game
07:54 is sometimes called the 'Grand Theft Auto' of video games, but without any of the psychopaths.
07:59 2. Joker's Not Safe for Work Viewing Habits - Mass Effect
08:04 Mass Effect has no small number of dirty jokes scattered throughout the original trilogy,
08:08 and of course when it came to Andromeda's first release, it itself was a dirty joke
08:11 because it was a disgusting dump right over your face. But one of the best lines in the
08:15 entire series comes from Mass Effect 2, when trying to romance Garrus. After using the
08:20 term 'cross-species intercourse', he admits that he feels 'dirty and clinical',
08:24 but that doesn't try to stop him from trying to flirt a bit a moment later, by promising
08:27 music and research to figure out how to make it happen. When you finally decide to actually
08:32 go for it, he fires off this great line, "You know me, I always like to savour the last
08:36 shot before popping the heat sink." Then, after a mild pause and a grin from Shepard,
08:41 he follows up with "Wait, that metaphor just went somewhere horrible."
08:45 As adorable as flirty Garrus is, though, the absolute best 'hidden dirty' joke has
08:49 to be when you're standing around in the cockpit and hear some moaning sounds before
08:53 Joker quips, "Whoops, sorry, that was supposed to go into my earpiece."
08:56 Bad boy, Joker, you're watching porn on the job, come on mate.
09:05 At number one, I Like A Man With A Big Vocabulary - Phoenix Wright
09:11 The Phoenix Wright series is overflowing with innuendo in both the Japanese and English
09:15 versions. Solid quality lines like when Athena says, "Tie me up" - wait, you're not
09:20 into that, are you? - or the gigantic breasted defence attorney commenting, "Well, we all
09:25 know those milkshakes brings the boys to the yard." And maybe you like the scene where
09:28 the ventriloquist dummy says, "The pace sucks, the clown sucks, and my partner has
09:32 his hand up my pants." But you know what the best - or worst - choice, depending on
09:36 how you look at it, comes from when one of the witnesses, the flirtatious April, gives
09:39 the sultry line, "I like a man with a big vocabulary."
09:43 It's stupid, it's dumb, but again, it's in total keeping with this over-the-top and
09:48 silly game.
09:49 And there we go, my friends, those were 10 dirty jokes hidden in your favourite video
09:53 games. I hope that you enjoyed that, and please let me know what you thought about it down
09:56 in the comments section below. As always, I've been Jules, you can go follow me over
10:00 on Twitter @RetroJWithA0, or you can swing by Liv and Let's Dice, where I do all of
10:05 my streaming outside of work, and also do my Warhammer Battle Reports as well, and it'd
10:08 be great to see you over there.
10:10 But before I go, I just want to say one thing. We discussed today a lot about silly jokes
10:13 in video games, but you, my friend, you are not a punchline, you are not a joke, you are
10:17 a big ledge, and I want nothing but the best for you. I want you to go out there and smash
10:21 your life goals today, because you deserve all of the best things in life, and do not
10:25 let anything or anyone else tell you otherwise, alright? You are a massive ledge. Now go out
10:31 there and smash it.
10:32 As always, I've been Jules, you have been awesome, never forget that, and I'll speak
10:36 to you soon. Bye.
10:37 [BLANK_AUDIO]