Office Invasion (2022)

PicturePerfectChannel

Three best friends band together to defend their valuable mining company from monstrous aliens looking to plunder and exterminate.

Transcript

00:00:00 [MUSIC]

00:00:10 [MUSIC]

00:00:39 [FOREIGN]

00:00:49 >> Shit.

00:00:54 [MUSIC]

00:00:59 Hello?

00:01:00 [MUSIC]

00:01:02 Hello?

00:01:03 [MUSIC]

00:01:11 Hey, guys, it's not funny.

00:01:13 If you idiots think you're going to scare me today, it's not going to happen.

00:01:16 [MUSIC]

00:01:26 Hello?

00:01:27 Who's there?

00:01:28 [MUSIC]

00:01:36 Happy birthday, George.

00:01:41 [MUSIC]

00:01:50 Are you coming?

00:01:55 Yes, madam.

00:01:58 Thank you, boys.

00:02:01 Thank you, brother.

00:02:02 >> George.

00:02:04 >> No.

00:02:05 [MUSIC]

00:02:08 So what's my name?

00:02:12 You know we should not be in here.

00:02:14 I mean, we can do this in the office.

00:02:16 Not that I'm complaining.

00:02:17 It's just that this room gets a little bit cold, you know, and makes other things smaller.

00:02:22 [MUSIC]

00:02:51 Okay, Jen, listen to me, all right?

00:02:55 As I mentioned before, even if I were with sales, there's nothing I can do.

00:02:59 You've got to be on the list.

00:03:01 >> Come on, Sam, don't give me that shit.

00:03:02 I only need a few liters.

00:03:04 Nobody needs to know.

00:03:06 >> It's not the amount that's the problem.

00:03:08 It's what do you want it for anyway?

00:03:11 >> What do I want it for?

00:03:13 We're developing medical equipment to help children with cancer.

00:03:21 You like children, don't you?

00:03:23 >> Yeah, of course.

00:03:24 Of course I like children, but that's not the point.

00:03:27 >> Look, Sam, I'm willing to pay very good money, all right?

00:03:31 It kind of will bring all the girls to your yard.

00:03:34 >> You understand?

00:03:36 >> I understand.

00:03:37 I understand.

00:03:38 But I'm sorry.

00:03:40 There's nothing I can do.

00:03:42 All right?

00:03:43 I can't help you.

00:03:44 Bye-bye.

00:03:45 Got to go.

00:03:46 Got to go.

00:03:50 So why am I getting calls from Chinese gangsters at 8 in the morning?

00:03:54 Well, that's because we mine the only zilconoid deposit on Earth.

00:03:58 And right now, zilconoid is on fire.

00:04:02 It's basically a liquid metal similar to mercury, except it won't poison you,

00:04:06 won't make you want to eat your own face.

00:04:08 And that makes it valuable.

00:04:10 The only problem is we can't keep up with the demand, which hasn't always been the case.

00:04:14 Believe me.

00:04:16 But after struggling for so many years, it feels like we've finally arrived.

00:04:21 At last, things are falling into place.

00:04:30 >> We're screwed, man.

00:04:31 I can't believe it.

00:04:33 This is the end.

00:04:34 >> It's way too early in the morning for this.

00:04:36 Take a breath, Liam.

00:04:38 >> What's going on?

00:04:40 >> Of course, of course, of course.

00:04:41 You haven't heard.

00:04:42 You had the mine.

00:04:43 >> Heard what, Liam?

00:04:44 >> Piggy's stepping down.

00:04:46 The whole thing with these lungs.

00:04:49 Malucy's taking over.

00:04:50 >> Oh, my God.

00:04:51 >> No, Sam.

00:04:52 God has forsaken us.

00:04:55 And the tables called a management meeting that you've got to be at right now.

00:04:58 >> What?

00:04:59 >> Yeah, hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

00:05:00 >> Okay, okay.

00:05:06 >> Sorry.

00:05:11 Should have said in the front.

00:05:13 Yeah.

00:05:17 >> Whoa, whoa.

00:05:19 Please stop.

00:05:20 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:05:30 >> If you think that's just bad luck, you've got no idea.

00:05:34 The truth is, I'm cursed.

00:05:36 My whole family is.

00:05:38 It began when my parents met.

00:05:40 It was a classic love story.

00:05:41 Dad stole mom's heart.

00:05:43 And six months later, he stole the rest of her shit.

00:05:46 >> Shit.

00:05:49 >> He never came back after that.

00:05:51 While on a job one night, he got himself into a bit of a situation.

00:05:55 And he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for one small piece of bad luck.

00:06:11 Because the universe has a sense of humor, I work as a security guard.

00:06:15 Which I suppose could be worse.

00:06:17 Like the rest of my life in which I'm permanently broke.

00:06:20 I'm going to have a girlfriend in five years and I'm forced to live with two of the world's most annoying roommates.

00:06:26 >> Bingo.

00:06:27 >> Oh, yum.

00:06:28 >> We really shouldn't.

00:06:30 >> I suppose he didn't say we couldn't look.

00:06:32 >> He didn't say that.

00:06:35 >> Sadly.

00:06:50 >> Seriously?

00:06:51 >> Junior!

00:06:52 >> What are you doing?

00:06:53 What's that?

00:06:54 >> Morning, boss.

00:06:55 Sorry, that's not mine.

00:06:57 My housemates stole my lunch.

00:06:59 >> I don't want to hear it.

00:07:01 >> HR is presenting this morning and we're all under the microscope.

00:07:05 >> Yes, sir.

00:07:06 >> Put on a jacket.

00:07:07 Looks like you slept in that shirt.

00:07:09 >> Sorry, about that, sir, there was an incident this morning.

00:07:14 My jacket kind of got away from me.

00:07:21 >> All right, let me get this straight.

00:07:23 You are a security guard.

00:07:24 >> Yes, sir.

00:07:25 >> And both your jacket and your lunch got stolen this morning.

00:07:29 >> When you say it like that, it doesn't sound great.

00:07:31 >> Enough.

00:07:33 Get your shit together.

00:07:36 >> Yes, sir.

00:07:37 Sorry.

00:07:38 I will.

00:07:48 >> Since you hate your roommates so much, why don't you just move out?

00:07:51 >> Well, I would if I could, but I signed the lease.

00:07:55 >> Well, then put them in their place, Junior.

00:07:56 Show them who they're dealing with.

00:07:59 >> Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

00:08:02 Let them know who they're dealing with.

00:08:05 Going to do that tonight.

00:08:08 They're going to feel thunder.

00:08:12 >> Okay, good, good.

00:08:14 I will see you in the meeting.

00:08:16 >> Yes, right, meeting, I'll be there.

00:08:19 Feel the thunder.

00:08:22 >> I'm amazed she didn't have sex with you right now.

00:08:25 >> Thank you.

00:08:26 Shut up, please.

00:08:27 >> Dude, look, just ask her out and stop being a pussy.

00:08:30 >> I'm not being a pussy.

00:08:31 >> You're a pussy.

00:08:32 >> I'm not being a pussy.

00:08:33 Can you stop that?

00:08:34 Can you stop that, please?

00:08:35 Just this once, please.

00:08:36 >> Whatever.

00:08:37 >> Why is HR coming to the meeting?

00:08:39 >> I don't know.

00:08:40 Maybe we're getting a raise.

00:08:42 >> Really?

00:08:43 It's like we've never met.

00:08:54 >> Hey, Sean, how are you doing?

00:08:57 >> I'm fine, thanks.

00:08:58 I'm just busy urinating.

00:09:00 >> Yeah, yeah, I see that.

00:09:02 >> I saw Colleen earlier on who said, hey, where's Prince?

00:09:05 And I said, well, you know, Prince, he's probably late again.

00:09:08 And I was right.

00:09:10 >> Yeah.

00:09:11 >> Do you want me to tell her that you've arrived?

00:09:14 I can make that happen.

00:09:15 >> I've got it.

00:09:16 Listen, also, don't you want to maybe just put it away?

00:09:19 No one wants to see that.

00:09:21 >> You know, I always used to be late for things, Prince.

00:09:23 >> Really?

00:09:24 Yeah, yeah, and what did you do?

00:09:26 >> I just arrived earlier.

00:09:27 That's the secret.

00:09:28 >> Oh, that's a secret.

00:09:30 >> Yep.

00:09:31 >> Thanks for sharing.

00:09:37 Have a good day at work.

00:09:40 So why am I always late for work?

00:09:43 Well, it's not exactly a mystery.

00:09:45 I hate my job.

00:09:48 But I don't have a choice.

00:09:50 According to the rules of my trust fund, I have to work as an accountant for five years or else I'm cut off.

00:09:57 Thank God I'm almost there.

00:10:00 Then I'll get to prove my father wrong.

00:10:04 >> Hey.

00:10:05 >> Colleen.

00:10:06 Hey, good morning.

00:10:07 >> How long have you been in here?

00:10:09 >> I don't know, like a few minutes, give or take.

00:10:13 Is there anything I can help with?

00:10:15 >> It's too late.

00:10:16 I sorted it out myself as usual.

00:10:18 >> Okay.

00:10:19 Are you almost done in here?

00:10:21 You know we've got a meeting, right?

00:10:23 >> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:24 I will be there or be squared.

00:10:26 I'm so sorry.

00:10:28 >> There is just something about you that gets right up my arse.

00:10:35 I think I'm going to call in HR so we can have another little heart to heart.

00:10:42 >> Oh.

00:10:43 Is that right?

00:10:45 You think we need to have a little chat with HR, do you?

00:10:49 How's this for a heart to heart?

00:10:56 What do you have to say now, Colleen, huh?

00:10:59 You know, I'm actually surprised you have a heart.

00:11:03 >> Fucking hell!

00:11:06 >> What the hell are you doing?

00:11:08 >> Oh, nothing, nothing.

00:11:10 I'm so sorry.

00:11:11 >> Ah, there is a spasm in my hand from all the work I've been doing.

00:11:16 >> I said I want you to take notes for our department in the meeting.

00:11:22 You think you can handle that?

00:11:24 >> Yeah, we got this.

00:11:25 I got this.

00:11:27 Anything you say, boss.

00:11:29 >> Good.

00:11:32 Was that you?

00:11:34 >> What?

00:11:35 >> Are you the office pisser?

00:11:37 >> No.

00:11:38 >> Of course you are.

00:11:40 I should have thought as much.

00:11:41 Just clean that up or I'll give you another warning.

00:11:43 >> Yeah, but I didn't do it.

00:11:45 >> Then who was it, huh?

00:11:50 Thoughts are sorted out.

00:11:56 You're disgusting.

00:12:00 >> Why don't you say something?

00:12:02 Come on, man.

00:12:04 You know what?

00:12:05 You deserve this.

00:12:08 >> Oh, fuck.

00:12:22 >> My father started this business with nothing.

00:12:28 All he had was some dusty ground, a few millions, and a vision.

00:12:38 Nice for you to join us, Sam.

00:12:43 Alas, even visionaries have blind spots.

00:12:49 This is why we're here.

00:12:51 We're here to change your slow thinking.

00:12:56 We are here to put spectacles on your eyes so you can see brighter.

00:13:02 This is why we're here.

00:13:04 We're here to open your eyes.

00:13:06 Google.

00:13:09 What do we have here?

00:13:12 Tell me what you see.

00:13:14 Don't be scared.

00:13:15 This is a free and safe space.

00:13:17 Speak.

00:13:22 >> You, go.

00:13:27 >> Good morning, everyone.

00:13:29 Well, what I see is, you know, looks like an office.

00:13:39 >> Excuse me?

00:13:41 >> I mean, from where I'm standing, it kind of resembles somebody's, you know, office.

00:13:52 >> Turn around.

00:13:53 >> What?

00:13:54 >> I don't want to look at your ugly face.

00:13:56 Turn around.

00:13:58 Don't even sit down.

00:13:59 Just turn around.

00:14:00 >> Okay.

00:14:05 >> What we have here is a cancer that's in this business.

00:14:11 Starting from today, all your managers are going to pay rent.

00:14:16 You like nice things.

00:14:18 Well, you must pay for that.

00:14:21 No more free lunches.

00:14:23 >> Free lunches for everyone.

00:14:26 Yay!

00:14:28 Woo-hoo!

00:14:30 >> That sounds great.

00:14:32 >> There will be a catch.

00:14:33 >> It does depend on whether or not there's been a client meeting early on in the week and, well, whether there's leftovers.

00:14:41 Obviously.

00:14:46 >> This look alive?

00:14:47 Look alive?

00:14:48 Come here.

00:14:49 >> I'm so sorry.

00:14:52 >> A little help here?

00:14:53 Sure.

00:14:54 Thank you.

00:14:55 A little heavy.

00:14:59 >> Well, when times get tough, what do we do?

00:15:03 We tighten our belts.

00:15:05 So as of this week, you'll all be handing in your laptops in exchange for these retro babies.

00:15:12 Hey, pretty cool.

00:15:14 >> You can't be serious.

00:15:16 It's a joke, right?

00:15:18 >> If a company surviving in this economy is a joke to you, prince, then yes, this is a very big joke.

00:15:25 >> Why don't you write that down?

00:15:30 >> Now, who can tell me here how many minutes are there in one hour?

00:15:38 A room full of managers, leaders of this business, and no one can answer such a simple question.

00:15:48 Go.

00:15:51 >> Well, I mean, it's --

00:15:55 >> One hour, so 60 minutes.

00:15:58 >> Lower your chair.

00:15:59 >> I'm sorry?

00:16:00 >> I said lower your chair.

00:16:02 You don't deserve to sit in the big chair.

00:16:04 Lower your chair.

00:16:05 Now.

00:16:06 Now.

00:16:11 No one in this room has a vision.

00:16:14 No one.

00:16:15 I'm the only person in this room that has a vision.

00:16:20 Google.

00:16:24 Starting from today, I'm going to introduce a visionary concept called AMI time.

00:16:33 AMI time is one government hour.

00:16:37 Plus 30-minute bonus.

00:16:45 >> Quiet, please.

00:16:48 >> I would like you all to meet Brian.

00:16:53 Come here, Brian.

00:16:55 Come along.

00:16:56 >> That's my jacket.

00:16:57 >> What?

00:16:58 >> Dude's wearing my jacket.

00:16:59 >> Yeah?

00:17:00 >> We found Brian on the side of the road this morning.

00:17:06 We -- we actually thought he was dead.

00:17:12 But the fact is, he would still be able to do most of your jobs.

00:17:18 The finance department is not really the most popular department.

00:17:22 It turns out 86% of your colleagues don't even remember a single one of your names.

00:17:27 Which is why we've come up with these.

00:17:32 Name tags.

00:17:33 Look at them.

00:17:34 Okay?

00:17:35 They're quite visible.

00:17:36 But maybe it's also about the placement of your name tag.

00:17:38 You could put it right in the middle.

00:17:40 Or on this side.

00:17:42 Or perhaps on that side.

00:17:44 Also, try giving yourself a fun nickname.

00:17:47 So that people find you relatable.

00:17:49 Yes.

00:17:51 >> People like to call me knob face.

00:17:54 I'm not exactly sure why.

00:17:56 >> I know why.

00:17:58 So let's not go with that here.

00:18:00 Okay?

00:18:02 >> Can I use your name, please?

00:18:04 >> No.

00:18:05 No, no, no.

00:18:06 >> I want your colleagues to get to know you.

00:18:08 To find you exciting.

00:18:10 What's your name?

00:18:11 >> Sean.

00:18:12 Sean.

00:18:13 Sean.

00:18:14 Sean.

00:18:15 >> Carol.

00:18:17 Oh, my shirt.

00:18:18 Someone killed me.

00:18:20 Do you know how long our waiting list is right now?

00:18:23 Five months.

00:18:24 Five months!

00:18:26 We are losing sales because we can't keep up with that demand.

00:18:30 Luckily, I have a solution.

00:18:41 From now on, every unit we sell will have 50% zolconite and 50% cutting agent.

00:18:50 See?

00:18:52 Genius.

00:18:54 >> Okay.

00:18:55 I'm sorry.

00:18:57 Is that paint?

00:18:59 >> No, I said it's cutting agent.

00:19:01 >> Okay, well, you can't do that.

00:19:03 >> And why not?

00:19:04 >> Because the paint will contaminate the zolconite, making it unstable.

00:19:07 >> And how do you know that?

00:19:10 >> Basic chemistry.

00:19:11 >> Basic chemistry.

00:19:13 Maybe I wouldn't need to do this if you found us more ground.

00:19:16 >> We're mining the only known zolconite deposit on earth.

00:19:20 It's not exactly easy to find.

00:19:22 >> Do you know what is easy to find, Sam?

00:19:25 >> What's that?

00:19:27 >> Zolconite deposits.

00:19:30 >> Which is why the company has decided you will no longer be getting your annual bonus.

00:19:37 No, no, let me finish.

00:19:39 Let me finish.

00:19:40 It's not all bad news.

00:19:42 Instead of money, which, you know, let's be frank, most of you would just -- anyway.

00:19:50 The company has decided to give you this amazing company branded clothing.

00:19:56 And I mean, take a look at this.

00:20:02 The survey also indicates that your colleagues don't like the way you treat them.

00:20:06 They say you are "subhuman."

00:20:11 I know why.

00:20:12 Because you spend all day on spreadsheets.

00:20:14 Maybe all night.

00:20:16 Who can tell me what is the most important thing in any business?

00:20:23 Yes.

00:20:26 >> Sharp pencils.

00:20:27 >> Do you use sharp pencils in your everyday job?

00:20:29 >> No.

00:20:31 >> Then why would you think they are most important?

00:20:34 >> Because the Russians use them in space.

00:20:38 >> Are you in space right now?

00:20:40 >> Yes.

00:20:41 The workspace.

00:20:44 >> Anyone else?

00:20:46 Anyone else?

00:20:48 Anyone else, please?

00:20:49 Anyone else, please?

00:20:52 >> Yes.

00:20:53 >> What about paint?

00:20:54 >> Damn it!

00:20:56 Customers.

00:20:57 The customer is the lifeblood of any company, okay?

00:21:01 You don't know that because you don't get to see the customer.

00:21:04 We are changing that today.

00:21:06 You will all have your own personalized customer that you will take with you everywhere you go.

00:21:11 You will take your customer to the kitchen.

00:21:13 You will take your customer to the toilet.

00:21:15 You will take your customer with you.

00:21:16 Are we clear?

00:21:18 >> Sorry, Carol, I'm not taking a sex toy to the toilet.

00:21:21 >> It is not a sex toy.

00:21:22 It is a customer.

00:21:23 You will take the customer with you to the toilet every time.

00:21:26 Do you understand?

00:21:27 >> Yes, yes, okay, I understand.

00:21:31 Wow.

00:21:33 >> And unfortunately we do not have pumps.

00:21:36 So you're going to have to blow your customer yourself.

00:21:38 Just be careful where you put your mouth.

00:21:40 It can be very confusing.

00:21:46 >> You know what I don't get?

00:21:48 Why do you leave Malusi in charge?

00:21:50 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:52 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:53 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:54 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:55 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:56 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:57 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:58 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:21:59 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:00 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:01 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:02 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:03 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:04 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:05 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:31 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:38 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:43 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:47 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:51 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:55 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:22:59 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:02 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:04 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:06 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:08 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:10 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:12 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:14 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:16 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:18 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:20 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:22 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:24 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:26 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:28 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:30 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:32 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:34 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:36 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:38 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:40 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:42 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:44 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:46 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:48 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:50 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:52 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:54 >> He's the one who's supposed to be in charge.

00:23:56 >> I've been here since day one.

00:23:58 I just need to know whether you're going to sell the company.

00:24:02 >> Who told you that?

00:24:04 >> You did, actually.

00:24:06 I mean, you've been cutting corners everywhere.

00:24:08 It's pretty obvious.

00:24:10 >> Look at that, huh?

00:24:12 Miner boy.

00:24:13 Now you think you understand business.

00:24:15 >> If you sell to another mining company, our people will lose their jobs.

00:24:18 They helped build this place.

00:24:20 >> Hey, hey, hey, hey!

00:24:22 I'm the one who's in charge here.

00:24:24 Me.

00:24:25 I do whatever I like here.

00:24:27 >> You know, if you had a little bit more respect for your father and what he's done here, you would--

00:24:30 >> My father.

00:24:31 My father.

00:24:33 Who are you to talk to me about my father?

00:24:35 Get out.

00:24:36 Get out!

00:24:38 Nonsense.

00:24:43 [phone ringing]

00:24:45 >> Hey.

00:24:58 >> Hey.

00:25:00 How good is it?

00:25:02 >> Seven, maybe eight.

00:25:04 Not that you'll admit it.

00:25:06 Are you okay?

00:25:09 >> Yeah.

00:25:10 I'm fine.

00:25:11 I'm fine.

00:25:12 Where is she?

00:25:13 >> In her room.

00:25:14 >> All right.

00:25:15 >> I'll hold me a food.

00:25:16 >> Thank you.

00:25:17 Hey, princess.

00:25:25 >> Dad, I'm 15.

00:25:26 You've got to stop calling me that.

00:25:27 >> I know.

00:25:28 I'm sorry.

00:25:29 I'm sorry.

00:25:30 How are you doing?

00:25:31 You're in any pain?

00:25:33 >> As I told mom, I'm fine.

00:25:34 I can barely feel it.

00:25:35 >> Okay.

00:25:36 Well, do you mind if I take a look?

00:25:41 That's not that bad, right?

00:25:47 >> See?

00:25:48 >> Yeah.

00:25:49 I mean, the way your mom was going on on the phone, you'd swear it was a seven or an eight.

00:25:54 >> It's nowhere near an eight.

00:25:55 It's like a four.

00:25:57 >> Right.

00:25:59 Well, if I knew that, I would have stopped off at the bar and picked up a couple of shots.

00:26:05 >> You, shots.

00:26:06 >> Hey, there's a lot about me you don't know, okay?

00:26:09 I am capable of stuff.

00:26:11 >> Really?

00:26:12 >> Girl.

00:26:13 You want me to call your mom to --

00:26:17 >> Seriously, I don't need help putting on cream.

00:26:20 I'm not a little girl anymore.

00:26:22 Dad?

00:26:27 >> Right, right.

00:26:29 I'm in your style.

00:26:33 Well, I'll let you get to it, then.

00:26:37 Okay.

00:26:38 >> Hey, Dad?

00:26:39 >> Yeah, yeah.

00:26:40 >> I love you.

00:26:42 >> I love you, too, princess.

00:26:44 [ Music ]

00:27:05 [ Dog barking ]

00:27:07 [ Music ]

00:27:26 >> How was work?

00:27:28 >> Started badly.

00:27:32 Went downhill from there.

00:27:34 You know, pretty standard.

00:27:37 >> I suppose it's my fault.

00:27:39 >> What are you talking about?

00:27:41 >> You've been spoiled your whole life.

00:27:44 Now you can't face having to work for a living.

00:27:46 >> It's not working I have a problem with.

00:27:48 It's being an accountant.

00:27:50 No, I don't get it.

00:27:52 What's so wrong with being a paramedic?

00:27:55 >> You don't have the stomach to work on the front line.

00:27:58 You're a coward.

00:28:00 Always have been.

00:28:01 >> I was a nervous kid.

00:28:03 Yes, I'll give you that, but I'm not that kid anymore.

00:28:07 >> Yes, you are.

00:28:09 You're weak, just like your mother.

00:28:12 [ Music ]

00:28:17 >> You know what?

00:28:19 That's enough, Dad.

00:28:22 But a coward do this.

00:28:24 [ Music ]

00:28:40 >> Something you want to say to me, boy?

00:28:44 >> No.

00:28:46 No, um, there's no point.

00:28:50 Good night.

00:28:53 [ Music ]

00:28:59 >> Guys, could you please take that shit away?

00:29:03 [ Music ]

00:29:06 Okay, look, I don't ask for a lot around here.

00:29:10 Just please leave my shit alone.

00:29:13 >> Well, just so you know, we're not practicing.

00:29:16 >> Won't happen again.

00:29:18 >> If it makes you feel better, we didn't enjoy the food.

00:29:21 >> No, not at all.

00:29:23 >> It's horrible.

00:29:24 >> Like dog food, if you hated your dog.

00:29:26 >> You should totally take some cooking lessons.

00:29:28 >> Oh, that's a good idea.

00:29:30 >> Okay, well, I'm sorry that my cooking isn't up to your standards, but you need to make your own food.

00:29:35 >> If only it were that easy.

00:29:37 >> What do you mean?

00:29:38 >> We are exceptionally busy during the day.

00:29:40 >> Both unemployed.

00:29:42 >> That is not true.

00:29:44 >> And not fair.

00:29:46 >> And you know it.

00:29:47 I'll have you know that we do a lot around here.

00:29:50 >> Like?

00:29:51 >> Well, for starters, meditating.

00:29:53 Every morning we make sure that there's clean energy in all the rooms.

00:29:57 >> All the rooms?

00:29:58 >> All the rooms.

00:30:01 >> Take your next breath, sending it into your lower back and belly, releasing any tension that you may be holding in these areas.

00:30:13 >> Are you telling me that the two of you have been naked in my room?

00:30:16 >> That's not the point.

00:30:18 The point is that we do more than our fair share around here.

00:30:21 >> Way more.

00:30:22 >> Okay.

00:30:24 Name one other thing.

00:30:26 One actual thing.

00:30:28 >> DIY.

00:30:29 >> DIY.

00:30:31 >> When things go wrong around here, who do you think sorts it out?

00:30:34 Not you.

00:30:35 That's for sure.

00:30:36 You're never here.

00:30:37 >> You just come and go as you please.

00:30:39 >> That's because I have a job.

00:30:43 >> Let's watch the tone of voice.

00:30:44 Bring it down.

00:30:45 >> Relax.

00:30:46 >> You know what?

00:30:47 I've literally never seen you guys fix a single thing around here.

00:30:51 >> Well, who do you think fixed the burst pipe in the bathroom this very morning?

00:30:57 >> There's a burst pipe in the bathroom?

00:31:00 >> Mm-hmm.

00:31:01 >> How did that happen?

00:31:03 >> No idea.

00:31:05 >> Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:31:10 [ Water running ]

00:31:12 >> Megan, Megan.

00:31:14 [ Water running ]

00:31:17 [ Music ]

00:31:22 >> Maybe I'm overreacting.

00:31:24 Maybe with the right buyer, things won't be so bad.

00:31:27 We could increase production, improve R&D, move into new markets.

00:31:32 What if I've been thinking about this all wrong?

00:31:36 This could be exactly what the company needs.

00:31:40 Okay.

00:31:41 You know what?

00:31:42 Enough.

00:31:44 Close your eyes.

00:31:45 Get some sleep.

00:31:47 [ Clock ticking ]

00:31:53 [ Door opens ]

00:31:56 [ Door closes ]

00:31:59 [ Sighs ]

00:32:02 [ Sighs ]

00:32:05 >> Shit.

00:32:14 >> What is it?

00:32:15 >> Hmm?

00:32:16 >> What is that?

00:32:17 >> Nothing.

00:32:18 Just a meeting.

00:32:19 Go back to sleep now.

00:32:22 [ Sighs ]

00:32:24 >> So they found a buyer.

00:32:28 >> That's got to be it, right?

00:32:29 I mean, it's pretty obvious, which means a bunch of us are about to lose our jobs.

00:32:32 >> If you don't know that, let's not panic, all right?

00:32:35 >> I'm weeks away from hitting my five years.

00:32:37 If they cut me now, I am screwed.

00:32:40 If they cut me now, I'm pretty much homeless.

00:32:44 That's me.

00:32:45 >> Look, let's just calm down, keep an open mind, all right?

00:32:49 Never know, this could be a good thing.

00:32:52 [ Sighs ]

00:32:55 [ Music ]

00:33:01 >> Recently, our company was dying.

00:33:06 A heavy darkness had befallen us.

00:33:10 By then, a new leader was chosen and a bright new day dawned for AMI.

00:33:19 A man not afraid to think outside the box, to do away with wasteful things, to make AMI stronger, safer, more efficient.

00:33:32 A man who even changed time.

00:33:35 And why has he done all these things?

00:33:40 Because he cares about the future.

00:33:42 And that future starts today.

00:33:45 [ Music ]

00:33:55 [ Applause ]

00:34:06 >> Yes, yes, yes.

00:34:11 When I became your leader, I could see that there was a lot of doubt in your eyes.

00:34:19 You were thinking, can this young woman really provide for our future?

00:34:25 Well, I have an answer for you today.

00:34:29 All the way from overseas, your new leaders of AMI.

00:34:34 Yes, yes.

00:34:37 Yes, yes.

00:34:40 [ Applause ]

00:34:44 >> Come, come, come, come, come.

00:34:50 >> Well, hello, AMI.

00:34:52 Yeah, hello.

00:34:54 I can't tell you how excited we all are to finally see you all in the flesh.

00:35:02 Yeah, the fleshy flesh.

00:35:05 Now, before we go any further, I want to make one thing very clear.

00:35:10 And that is that we are not planning on making any major changes.

00:35:14 No job cuts, no demotions, no downsizing of any sort.

00:35:19 You can all rest easy.

00:35:20 Can I get a bloody hallelujah?

00:35:22 [ Applause ]

00:35:29 We will worry about all of that shit next month.

00:35:33 >> That's it.

00:35:34 I'm homeless.

00:35:35 >> Now, as you know, Lucy is going to be stepping out and I'm going to be stepping in.

00:35:41 Bedrick over here is going to be my second in command.

00:35:44 And the beautiful Anya will be our new change manager.

00:35:47 Even though, like I've just said, you've got nothing to worry about at all for now.

00:35:53 Now, this is usually the time, I suppose, when your new leader, your new chief,

00:35:58 bores you to death with his galaxy of achievements.

00:36:02 But instead, I want to open the floor to my lovely colleagues to have a word with you beautiful people.

00:36:09 I think, Bedrick, you first.

00:36:11 Spoiler warning, he's a bit intense.

00:36:15 [ Applause ]

00:36:20 >> There are three things you need to know about me.

00:36:23 One, I don't take shit from nobody.

00:36:27 And two, you're ramp with me.

00:36:31 I'm like a mushroom.

00:36:34 Three, no matter what, I always come out on top.

00:36:38 And if you leave me stranded in a jam rack with no food, everything irie.

00:36:44 Because Bedrick will feast on himself.

00:36:46 >> I'm sorry, did he just say he'd eat himself?

00:36:49 >> Thank you, Bedrick.

00:36:51 Yeah.

00:36:52 Bedrick, ladies and gentlemen, yeah.

00:36:54 But he has a heart of gold.

00:36:55 Yeah.

00:36:56 Can light up the darkest room.

00:36:58 No, really.

00:36:59 Yeah.

00:37:00 >> Thanks, Betty.

00:37:01 Next up we have the lovely Anya.

00:37:04 [ Applause ]

00:37:08 >> So what is change?

00:37:12 Put your hand down.

00:37:14 Is change when we birth small uterus, slimy lizard into baby?

00:37:24 Who knows?

00:37:26 Because change is very mysterious.

00:37:32 Thank you.

00:37:33 >> Anya, thank you so much.

00:37:35 You really raise a valid point there.

00:37:38 Change, guys, is so mysterious.

00:37:45 All right, that's it.

00:37:46 Let's all get back to work.

00:37:47 We need more of that zalkanoid.

00:37:50 That's a bloody order.

00:37:55 Just playing silly.

00:37:57 Gotcha.

00:37:58 Let's go.

00:37:59 Come on.

00:38:00 Yeah.

00:38:01 Let's go.

00:38:02 Yeah.

00:38:03 Yeah.

00:38:04 >> Bye-bye.

00:38:05 >> There's some jelly in the canteen.

00:38:07 Come on.

00:38:08 >> What the hell was that?

00:38:10 >> Still think this is a good idea?

00:38:16 >> However bad we thought it was going to be, we were wrong.

00:38:26 Way wrong.

00:38:29 >> Hey.

00:38:43 >> Hey.

00:39:03 >> Based on some budgetary challenges, we will no longer be issuing you with any weapons.

00:39:17 Instead, we will provide you with something far more valuable.

00:39:23 The ability to fight off intruders by only using your instincts, your training, and some

00:39:31 basic office supplies.

00:39:34 So our special guest today is sensei storm force, the inventor of the world's most mixed

00:39:42 martial arts, kmkj, or rather, karate jujutsu.

00:39:50 Sensei.

00:39:55 >> Krav mega karate jujutsu is all about flow.

00:40:02 About using the tools around you to shift energy and to attack.

00:40:08 Now, is this a stapler or jaws of death?

00:40:15 >> I'm pretty sure that's just a stapler.

00:40:17 >> Yeah, it's a stapler.

00:40:19 This guy.

00:40:20 We don't need krav mega jujutsu karate.

00:40:22 Just be awake and focus.

00:40:24 >> Shut up.

00:40:29 >> Reading is not really my thing.

00:40:31 So just give it to me straight.

00:40:33 >> Well, he's always late.

00:40:34 He lies all the time.

00:40:36 He has a terrible attitude.

00:40:37 Basically, he's the worst staff member we've ever had.

00:40:40 >> So if I'm that bad, why I'm still here?

00:40:42 Why you don't get rid of him?

00:40:44 >> I wish we could.

00:40:45 Believe me.

00:40:46 But his father is one of our biggest clients, and I really don't want to rock that boat.

00:40:50 >> So what you want to do?

00:40:52 >> I mean, I could work him over.

00:40:56 Break a few bones.

00:40:59 Slice off some skin.

00:41:02 >> You can do that?

00:41:03 >> Yeah, man.

00:41:05 >> That's very tempting, but I actually had a slightly different idea.

00:41:12 >> Okay.

00:41:14 Tell me about it.

00:41:15 >> Well, I thought that we could move him, you know, give him the kind of soul-crushing job that just completely destroys him.

00:41:28 You know, make his days just slow, painful, psychological torture.

00:41:36 >> Yeah.

00:41:37 Yeah, man.

00:41:40 Do what you want.

00:41:42 We don't give a shit.

00:41:47 >> Whoa, me give a -- I give a shit.

00:41:50 Also, you were joking about the slicing thing, right?

00:41:54 >> Yes.

00:41:55 >> Just to clarify, what did you mean about torture?

00:42:03 >> Where is he?

00:42:04 >> Sorry, what?

00:42:05 >> Gregory.

00:42:06 Where's Gregory?

00:42:07 Right over here.

00:42:08 >> Like over there.

00:42:09 >> Hold on, mate.

00:42:12 >> You can't cancel the medical aid, all right?

00:42:14 People rely on that.

00:42:15 I rely on that.

00:42:16 >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:42:17 Steady there, sailor.

00:42:18 Batten that hatch.

00:42:19 Okay.

00:42:20 So now it's -- wait a minute, don't tell me.

00:42:23 >> Sam.

00:42:24 >> Sam, Sammy.

00:42:25 Yeah, Sammy.

00:42:26 Okay.

00:42:27 So let's start that over, but maybe this time without the death stare, okay?

00:42:33 So what's the big emergency?

00:42:35 My daughter is on some very expensive medication that I can't afford without the medical aid, okay?

00:42:41 >> Oh.

00:42:42 >> Gotcha.

00:42:43 Okay, yeah.

00:42:44 All right.

00:42:45 But I'm afraid we don't really have a choice.

00:42:48 It was a part of our agreement with your former leader, so --

00:42:51 >> So change the deal.

00:42:55 >> Well, no, wait a minute.

00:42:57 Wait a bloody minute.

00:42:59 I've just been reading up on natural therapies.

00:43:03 Yeah?

00:43:04 >> You know, it is incredible what you can make just by boiling a few plants together.

00:43:10 Did you know that?

00:43:11 It is crazy.

00:43:12 And you want to know something else?

00:43:14 You can probably find everything that you need in your own forest.

00:43:18 >> Oh, yeah?

00:43:19 No, I'd say that's a win.

00:43:21 >> No.

00:43:22 No, no, no!

00:43:23 These are sophisticated drugs, okay?

00:43:26 You can't just make them with fucking plants.

00:43:29 >> Boil.

00:43:30 You've got to boil them.

00:43:32 >> No.

00:43:33 Before I can teach you anything, I need to know exactly what I am dealing with.

00:43:39 >> Any volunteers?

00:43:43 Thank you.

00:43:44 Thank you, sir.

00:43:45 And what is your name?

00:43:46 >> Sorry, no, I wasn't volunteering.

00:43:48 My friend was just --

00:43:49 >> His name is Junior, and he will be volunteering, wouldn't he?

00:43:52 Yes.

00:43:53 Lovely!

00:43:54 [ Applause ]

00:43:56 Come on, don't be shy.

00:43:58 Please, come forward.

00:44:02 Ah, Prince, Prince, Princey, Prince, Prince.

00:44:05 This is long overdue.

00:44:07 You realize it's all your fault?

00:44:09 >> What is this?

00:44:11 >> That is a schedule, Einstein.

00:44:14 >> Yeah, but for what?

00:44:17 >> For the toilet.

00:44:18 Since you love them so much, you are going to be timing people.

00:44:23 >> I'm sorry.

00:44:25 Timing people in the toilet?

00:44:26 >> Exactly.

00:44:28 >> Do you have any idea how much productivity is lost when people go for a loo break?

00:44:33 >> Please, please, I'm begging, don't do this.

00:44:35 >> I'm sorry.

00:44:36 Are you too good for this job?

00:44:37 >> No, no, no, no, it's not that.

00:44:39 It's just that I'm still part of the finance department, right?

00:44:43 >> No, of course not.

00:44:45 Now you're part of facilities.

00:44:46 But your time sheets still come to me, so do not fuck them up.

00:44:51 >> Okay, look, I don't care.

00:44:52 I'll do the job.

00:44:54 If you take me out of the finance department, I will -- I will lose my entire trust fund.

00:45:00 >> What?

00:45:01 >> Yeah.

00:45:02 >> Your entire trust fund?

00:45:03 >> All of it.

00:45:04 >> I had no idea.

00:45:05 >> Yeah, it's pretty stupid if you ask me.

00:45:16 >> Entire trust fund.

00:45:17 That's amazing.

00:45:20 Made my day.

00:45:22 >> Oh, shit.

00:45:24 >> So do I stay?

00:45:26 >> Do not be stressed.

00:45:27 I think you are experiencing some change.

00:45:29 So why don't you sit down and we can talk about how you feel, okay?

00:45:33 >> How I feel?

00:45:34 >> Yes.

00:45:35 >> Are you being for real right now?

00:45:37 We are talking about my daughter's life here.

00:45:40 >> Yeah, we know because you already told us.

00:45:43 >> You bloody bugger.

00:45:45 It's right up for us.

00:45:48 >> All right.

00:45:51 Clearly you guys think that this is some kind of joke, huh?

00:45:54 This is funny.

00:45:55 Well, see if this is funny, okay?

00:45:57 How about I see you in court?

00:46:00 >> Court?

00:46:01 >> Yeah.

00:46:02 >> I don't like the sound of that at all.

00:46:06 I'll tell you what.

00:46:08 How about we don't see you at all anymore because you're fired?

00:46:17 Now that felt bloody amazing.

00:46:19 >> You see sudden change like explosion in the action movie.

00:46:22 >> Would you shut the fuck up about change?

00:46:24 Just -- you know what?

00:46:28 This isn't over.

00:46:33 That's the spirit, Sammy.

00:46:34 This isn't over.

00:46:36 Yeah.

00:46:38 Now, I thought Sammy was a girl's name.

00:46:43 >> You may pick anything.

00:46:50 >> It's mightier than the sword.

00:46:52 >> No.

00:46:53 It definitely isn't.

00:46:55 Do you know what a sword is, sir?

00:46:58 >> Of course I know what a sword is.

00:47:00 >> It's okay, it's okay, dum-dum.

00:47:02 I've trained squirrel to sniff out land mines.

00:47:05 You can do this.

00:47:07 Now, shall we begin?

00:47:09 >> Sorry.

00:47:10 Sorry.

00:47:11 >> What are the goggles for?

00:47:13 >> Focus.

00:47:14 One day this could be a life or death situation.

00:47:16 Now, I need you to think of your weapon and how you can use it to protect yourself.

00:47:21 >> To protect myself from what?

00:47:23 >> From this.

00:47:25 >> Whoa, whoa.

00:47:26 Wait.

00:47:27 Okay.

00:47:28 Maybe someone else can volunteer instead.

00:47:30 >> Relax, relax.

00:47:31 It's only a simulation.

00:47:32 You'll hardly feel a thing.

00:47:33 >> That's not true.

00:47:34 Come on.

00:47:35 [ Gunshots ]

00:47:38 >> Stop.

00:47:39 >> Go protect yourself.

00:47:41 Use your other senses.

00:47:42 You don't need your eyes.

00:47:44 >> Oh, fuck, man, it's just a pen.

00:47:45 >> It's not just a pen.

00:47:46 It's whatever you need it to be.

00:47:48 >> Shit.

00:47:49 [ Gunshots ]

00:47:51 >> Oh, shit.

00:47:53 [ Sobbing ]

00:47:59 >> You're such an embarrassment.

00:48:01 I'm cutting your hours to three shifts a week.

00:48:05 >> Hmph.

00:48:18 >> Sean.

00:48:19 >> Hey, prince.

00:48:22 >> Wow.

00:48:23 That's a really nice watch.

00:48:25 Can I touch it?

00:48:26 >> You know what?

00:48:28 Actually, I am the only one authorized to handle it.

00:48:32 And it's not a watch.

00:48:34 >> Then what is it?

00:48:35 >> It's a stopwatch.

00:48:36 >> Isn't that a watch?

00:48:37 >> For fuck's sake, just please go to your desk.

00:48:39 >> Okay.

00:48:42 >> Fucking knob face.

00:48:45 I'm not going to wait in --

00:48:58 >> Okay, Patrick, on your marks, get set, and go.

00:49:13 >> Unbelievable.

00:49:16 Playing around with people's lives, thinking that's a joke.

00:49:20 Think that's a joke.

00:49:21 Think --

00:49:26 >> I don't know what's going on.

00:49:28 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:29 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:30 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:31 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:32 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:33 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:34 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:35 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:36 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:37 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:38 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:39 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:40 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:41 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:42 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:43 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:44 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:45 I don't know what's going on.

00:49:46 I don't know what's going on.

00:50:14 Fuck!

00:50:24 Fuck.

00:50:34 Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

00:50:46 What if Zipla cast a frozen spell?

00:50:48 He can't.

00:50:49 I picked up Lindor's shield, remember?

00:50:50 Just try to keep up.

00:50:51 That's right.

00:50:52 Sorry, sorry.

00:50:53 As long as you got my back.

00:50:54 Don't you worry about that.

00:50:55 Where'd you guys get the money to buy a new video game?

00:50:56 Shh.

00:50:58 Hey, guys?

00:50:59 Where's the fridge?

00:51:00 Shh, quiet, please.

00:51:01 Hey!

00:51:02 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:03 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:04 Hey, guys.

00:51:05 Where's the fridge?

00:51:06 Shh, quiet, please.

00:51:07 Hey!

00:51:08 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:09 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:10 Hey, guys.

00:51:11 Where's the fridge?

00:51:12 Shh, quiet, please.

00:51:13 Hey!

00:51:14 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:15 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:16 Shh, quiet, please.

00:51:17 Hey!

00:51:18 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:19 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:20 Hey!

00:51:21 Hey!

00:51:22 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:23 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:24 Hey!

00:51:25 Please tell me you didn't sell the fridge

00:51:26 to buy a fucking video game.

00:51:27 Dude, language.

00:51:28 You don't go around swearing about your job.

00:51:30 We would never do that.

00:51:32 Dressing up like idiots and playing video games

00:51:34 isn't a fucking job.

00:51:36 You're both such losers!

00:51:38 I believe that our honor has been challenged.

00:51:43 I believe it has.

00:51:44 You know what that means, my love?

00:51:46 What does it mean, babe?

00:51:47 It means I'm going to smite him with yonder broadsword!

00:51:54 Um, let's calm down.

00:51:58 Just put the sword down, Harry, please.

00:52:00 You will have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

00:52:04 Oh, shit.

00:52:05 Arm yourself.

00:52:06 And now battle is joined.

00:52:11 Oh, shit!

00:52:14 Come back here!

00:52:16 To the halls of my power!

00:52:18 Harry, come here!

00:52:19 Stop! Stop, please!

00:52:20 Shut up, it's hit!

00:52:22 No, stop, Harry!

00:52:24 I'm telling you, the whole place has gone mad.

00:52:28 I mean, who times people when they're taking a shit?

00:52:31 And what if they're constipated?

00:52:33 You can't do that to people.

00:52:35 This can't be legal.

00:52:36 You know what? We need to contact our lawyer.

00:52:38 Get him on the phone, tell him what's--

00:52:39 There's always someone to blame, isn't there?

00:52:41 What?

00:52:43 Don't you hear anything I just said?

00:52:45 The deal was five years.

00:52:47 Yet again, you've fallen short.

00:52:49 That is not fair.

00:52:50 I never quit.

00:52:51 I stuck it out.

00:52:52 You never put in the work.

00:52:54 It was a joke to you.

00:52:55 What did you think was gonna happen?

00:52:57 Come on, Dad.

00:52:58 Don't do this to me.

00:53:00 Wake up, boy. You did it to yourself.

00:53:02 Okay, you know what?

00:53:04 I don't have to put up with this.

00:53:06 Well, you could always leave.

00:53:08 I mean, you're only, what, 27?

00:53:11 Fine.

00:53:14 You want me gone? No problem.

00:53:17 Where are you gonna go?

00:53:19 I don't know!

00:53:20 Dad, you know what? I don't care.

00:53:22 I will stay in my car if I have to.

00:53:25 Anywhere's better than this place, you know that?

00:53:27 Stupid chairs.

00:53:32 [alarm clock ringing]

00:53:59 Hey, Jen. It's me.

00:54:02 I was wondering if you're still interested in that zilconoid.

00:54:06 Because if you are,

00:54:09 I think I might be able to make it happen.

00:54:13 So, yeah, let me know, okay?

00:54:18 Thanks.

00:54:21 [sighs]

00:54:22 [phone buzzing]

00:54:32 Hey, Jen.

00:54:38 When I said let me know, I didn't mean like right now.

00:54:43 I didn't want you to change your mind.

00:54:45 How soon can you get it?

00:54:46 I don't know. A couple of weeks, maybe?

00:54:48 You need to hurry. I'm running out of time.

00:54:50 Yeah, okay. Jen, look.

00:54:53 I really need to know what you're gonna use it for.

00:54:56 Like, for real.

00:54:57 I already told you.

00:54:59 It's for children to help with their medical equipment

00:55:01 for their heart disease.

00:55:04 Uh, I thought you said cancer.

00:55:06 It's for both, okay?

00:55:08 Look, Sam, it's zilconoid, not uranium.

00:55:12 I'm not building a bomb, okay?

00:55:14 [sighs]

00:55:16 [sighs]

00:55:17 Yeah.

00:55:20 All right, okay. Yeah, fine. Okay.

00:55:22 Good.

00:55:23 Now let's talk money

00:55:25 so we can bring all the girls to your yard

00:55:27 for some fucky fucky, huh?

00:55:29 Oh.

00:55:34 You guys don't know what it's like.

00:55:38 Living with them is like a recurring nightmare.

00:55:41 In your apartment, it must be nice having walls.

00:55:44 You know what isn't nice?

00:55:46 Getting beaten up by a pathetic man-child

00:55:48 and having to beg for my life.

00:55:50 All right, but have you wasted every single day

00:55:52 for the past five years, and now you're completely screwed?

00:55:54 Oh, your trust fund.

00:55:56 Oh, dude, please, no.

00:55:57 Sorry, I don't think I have one of those.

00:55:59 I'll have to check with my PA.

00:56:00 You don't.

00:56:01 Linda, Linda.

00:56:02 All right, all right, all right. Enough, okay?

00:56:04 Everybody's having a shit time, all right? We get it.

00:56:06 Whining about it isn't gonna change anything, all right?

00:56:09 Then what do you suggest?

00:56:10 Oh, you really want to know?

00:56:12 I'm in my car.

00:56:14 So, yeah, I would like to know.

00:56:16 Okay, what's the one thing we all need

00:56:21 that will make all our problems go away?

00:56:23 I don't know.

00:56:24 A shitload of money.

00:56:26 Yeah, exactly.

00:56:28 And I think...

00:56:30 I think I know how to make that happen.

00:56:32 What?

00:56:33 How?

00:56:34 By taking something that doesn't belong to us.

00:56:38 Come on, Sam.

00:56:39 You've never even had a parking ticket,

00:56:41 you're gonna rob a bank.

00:56:42 No, not rob a bank.

00:56:44 Besides, we wouldn't even be stealing.

00:56:46 We'd be taking back something that we've earned, you know?

00:56:49 Something that we've dedicated our lives to.

00:56:53 Okay.

00:56:54 What are you talking about?

00:56:56 I got an offer for 12 units from Zorkanoid.

00:57:04 And it's a lot of money.

00:57:06 How much?

00:57:07 Two million.

00:57:09 What?

00:57:10 From who?

00:57:11 It doesn't matter.

00:57:12 Just all you need to know is that he's legit

00:57:15 and he's prepared to pay half for it.

00:57:18 For a dozen units.

00:57:20 That's it?

00:57:21 That's it.

00:57:22 Prince.

00:57:29 You know what?

00:57:32 I don't care anymore.

00:57:34 It's the least we deserve for the way they treated us.

00:57:37 Come on, guys.

00:57:38 I've lived my whole life going by the rules, right?

00:57:42 Sure, what's that got in me?

00:57:44 Okay, well, if they want to play dirty,

00:57:54 so can we, right?

00:57:56 Yes.

00:57:57 Let's do it.

00:58:02 Let's do it.

00:58:04 Dude, dude, dude.

00:58:05 Calm down.

00:58:06 I'm sorry.

00:58:07 It's done.

00:58:08 Oh, my God.

00:58:09 Just one thing, though.

00:58:12 We're not criminals,

00:58:14 so we're going to need some help figuring this out.

00:58:19 Why are you looking at him like that?

00:58:23 Fine.

00:58:25 Fine.

00:58:26 I know a guy.

00:58:28 Like a villain.

00:58:35 Am I the only one who thinks this is a really bad idea?

00:58:38 Just calm down, okay?

00:58:39 They're mostly just regular people with issues.

00:58:42 No big deal.

00:58:43 Regular people.

00:58:44 Regular people, hmm?

00:58:49 With some issues.

00:58:50 Look, I know he's your dad and everything,

00:58:52 but I don't think we should be taking advice from a crazy person.

00:58:54 He's not crazy.

00:58:55 His lawyer got him in here, okay?

00:58:57 It was either this place or jail.

00:58:59 Okay.

00:59:00 But he knows what he's talking about.

00:59:02 And he's no snitch.

00:59:05 [eerie music]

00:59:07 Do not speak to anyone you don't know.

00:59:09 Keep your voice down at all times.

00:59:11 No sudden movement, no whistling, no singing, no dancing.

00:59:15 And do not accept any offers of food.

00:59:18 Oh, no singing.

00:59:20 Such a pity.

00:59:21 [sighs]

00:59:22 I'm sorry.

00:59:23 Question.

00:59:24 Have any of your guests ever been attacked in your experience?

00:59:28 They only attack the weak.

00:59:31 I'm sorry.

00:59:32 What?

00:59:33 Is he joking or--

00:59:35 [laughing]

00:59:37 [doorbell rings]

00:59:40 There he is.

00:59:43 [eerie music]

00:59:45 [indistinct voices]

01:00:00 [indistinct voices]

01:00:02 Ah, what's up?

01:00:07 Come, come, come.

01:00:08 Mind some of this?

01:00:09 [eerie music]

01:00:11 Hey, Dad.

01:00:13 Jack!

01:00:17 Junior!

01:00:19 Hey, Dad.

01:00:20 What a lovely surprise!

01:00:22 [indistinct voices]

01:00:24 How are you doing?

01:00:25 You doing all right, Dad?

01:00:26 No, no, I'm fine.

01:00:27 Keeping my head down, you know, keeping out of trouble.

01:00:30 That's great.

01:00:31 And who are these?

01:00:32 These are my friends.

01:00:33 This is Prince and Sam.

01:00:35 Prince, come here.

01:00:36 Oh, oh, okay.

01:00:38 Your hair smells wonderful.

01:00:41 What is it?

01:00:42 Fear, mostly.

01:00:44 [indistinct voices]

01:00:46 [laughing]

01:00:47 Funny, I like him.

01:00:49 And he's Sam.

01:00:52 You're the smart one, aren't you?

01:00:55 The leader of the pack, I can tell.

01:00:57 Well, I'm not really a leader, just we're all friends.

01:01:01 Friends?

01:01:02 Wonderful.

01:01:03 Well, anyway, let's sit down, gentlemen.

01:01:04 I assume this isn't a social call.

01:01:07 I'm guessing that you young boys need something from me.

01:01:13 We were hoping you could give us some advice.

01:01:16 We need to get our hands on something

01:01:19 that doesn't completely belong to us.

01:01:24 Hello.

01:01:25 Oh, my God!

01:01:27 You want to pet my dog?

01:01:29 Um, thank you, but no thank you.

01:01:32 He doesn't bite.

01:01:34 I promise, he's a good boy.

01:01:36 Yeah, good boy.

01:01:37 Yeah, it's not that.

01:01:39 I am just deathly allergic to dogs.

01:01:42 This is Fingers, and he's not going to go anywhere

01:01:46 unless you pet the dog.

01:01:48 Yeah, I'm not doing that.

01:01:49 Pet the dog.

01:01:50 No.

01:01:51 Pet the dog.

01:01:52 No.

01:01:53 Pet the dog.

01:01:54 Fine.

01:01:55 What is his name?

01:02:00 Little bit.

01:02:01 Little bit.

01:02:02 Um, okay, a little bit of what?

01:02:05 Mucus.

01:02:06 Oh, my God.

01:02:07 Don't let go, Prince.

01:02:09 Because it's wet.

01:02:11 We can carry on.

01:02:13 Fingers here blew his brains with crystal meth.

01:02:16 He won't remember a single thing, so please.

01:02:20 Okay, um, if we were trying to lift something

01:02:27 from, like, a warehouse, how would we go about it?

01:02:30 Well, what you'd always need to know, the five Ds.

01:02:35 Define, delegate, divert, disguise,

01:02:38 and the most important one of them all,

01:02:41 do not get fucking caught.

01:02:43 That's it?

01:02:45 Yeah, pretty much.

01:02:46 Oh.

01:02:48 Don't stop patting him.

01:02:50 Okay.

01:02:51 He's almost asleep.

01:02:53 Yeah, I'm so sorry.

01:02:56 Um, sure, sure.

01:02:58 Um, question, hypothetically, what if we work

01:03:04 at the place we're trying to hit?

01:03:06 Is that, like, a red flag, or is it, like--

01:03:09 Oh, no, no, not necessarily.

01:03:11 No.

01:03:12 You see, um, say, for example, if you left your fingerprints

01:03:15 or a sample of hair or whatever, they can't hold you to it

01:03:19 simply because, well, it's like a free fuck-up.

01:03:23 Right.

01:03:25 A free fuck-up.

01:03:26 Mr. Moses, please don't take this the wrong way,

01:03:30 but you're good at this sort of thing, right?

01:03:34 Yeah.

01:03:36 [laughs]

01:03:37 You tell me.

01:03:39 Wowzers, he is-- you are so good, sir.

01:03:42 Thank you.

01:03:43 Seriously.

01:03:44 I'm so sorry.

01:03:45 You guys smell that?

01:03:48 Dude, what have you found?

01:03:50 He's done it again.

01:03:51 It's my special pudding.

01:03:53 Oh, my God.

01:03:54 I made it myself.

01:03:55 You should try some.

01:03:56 Oh, my God, it's delicious.

01:03:58 It gives you superpowers.

01:04:01 [screams]

01:04:05 [screams]

01:04:08 [music playing]

01:04:13 [music playing]

01:04:17 [music playing]

01:04:21 [music playing]

01:04:25 [music playing]

01:04:29 [music playing]

01:04:33 (dramatic music)

01:04:35 (dramatic music)

01:04:38 (dramatic music)

01:04:41 (dramatic music)

01:04:44 (dramatic music)

01:04:46 (dramatic music)

01:04:49 (dramatic music)

01:05:02 - Hey, Doc.

01:05:12 (dramatic music)

01:05:15 (dramatic music)

01:05:18 (dramatic music)

01:05:20 (dramatic music)

01:05:23 (dramatic music)

01:05:26 (crying)

01:05:43 (dramatic music)

01:05:46 (dramatic music)

01:05:48 (dramatic music)

01:05:51 (dramatic music)

01:05:54 (dramatic music)

01:05:58 (dramatic music)

01:06:00 (dramatic music)

01:06:03 (dramatic music)

01:06:11 (dramatic music)

01:06:26 (dramatic music)

01:06:28 (dramatic music)

01:06:36 - Focus.

01:06:41 (dramatic music)

01:06:43 (dramatic music)

01:06:47 (dramatic music)

01:06:50 (dramatic music)

01:06:55 (groaning)

01:07:11 (dramatic music)

01:07:13 (dramatic music)

01:07:16 - Sorry.

01:07:41 Sorry, are you okay?

01:07:42 - I'm fine.

01:07:43 - Are you sure?

01:07:44 - I'm good, I promise.

01:07:45 - Okay, okay.

01:07:46 - So, where's the fire?

01:07:48 - The fire?

01:07:49 Where, what?

01:07:50 - You look like you're in a rush.

01:07:52 - Oh, oh.

01:07:53 I, sorry, I just need to go start my shift.

01:07:58 - Are you all right?

01:07:59 You look a little nervous.

01:08:00 - Nervous?

01:08:02 That's strange.

01:08:03 I feel fine.

01:08:04 Yeah.

01:08:05 - That's a pity.

01:08:10 I thought

01:08:12 maybe I made you nervous.

01:08:15 - Actually, yes, you do.

01:08:20 I was just trying not to make you feel bad about it.

01:08:23 But, you know what might help?

01:08:27 - What's that?

01:08:28 - Well, maybe we could, you know,

01:08:32 spend some more time together.

01:08:34 That way, I wouldn't feel so nervous around you.

01:08:37 - I mean, if you think it might help.

01:08:38 - I think it might.

01:08:39 - Okay.

01:08:40 - Okay.

01:08:42 - Uh, uh.

01:08:43 - I'll send you a text.

01:08:45 - Perfect.

01:08:46 - Great.

01:08:47 - Great.

01:08:47 - Right, great.

01:08:48 I've gotta get going.

01:08:50 Gotta go punch my cock.

01:08:51 Punch, punch the clock.

01:08:52 Punch the clock.

01:08:52 Sorry, excuse me.

01:08:55 Okay, bye.

01:08:56 - Bye.

01:08:57 - Bye.

01:09:10 - Okay.

01:09:11 - All right, guys.

01:09:12 So, when are we doing this?

01:09:15 - I vote Saturday night.

01:09:17 It's the perfect time.

01:09:17 - Why?

01:09:18 - It's the big game.

01:09:19 Everybody's gonna be in the office.

01:09:20 - What about patrols?

01:09:22 - They only really need to tag in every three hours,

01:09:24 so we'll be good.

01:09:25 Trust me.

01:09:26 - You know what would help?

01:09:27 If we got them drunk.

01:09:28 - Yes, but how?

01:09:32 - We could send them a shitload of beers, right?

01:09:35 And a note from management thanking them

01:09:38 for all the hard work, telling them to enjoy the game, right?

01:09:41 - Yeah, that could actually work.

01:09:43 But not everybody's gonna get drunk.

01:09:46 - Okay, sure.

01:09:48 We put tranquilizers in the beer.

01:09:52 - What?

01:09:52 No, no, absolutely not.

01:09:54 I don't want anybody getting hurt.

01:09:55 - Oh, no, no, no, no.

01:09:56 No one's gonna get hurt.

01:09:57 Yeah, we used to drug my grandmother all the time.

01:09:58 It's perfectly safe.

01:10:00 - What?

01:10:01 You drugged your granny?

01:10:02 - Oh, dude, don't start with me, okay?

01:10:03 You don't know the shit we went through.

01:10:05 - You know she used to shave our heads

01:10:08 while we were sleeping?

01:10:09 You wanna know why?

01:10:11 - Why?

01:10:12 - I don't know.

01:10:14 I'm still asking myself.

01:10:16 - So it will work.

01:10:17 We'll be fine.

01:10:18 They'll be sleeping like kittens, guys.

01:10:19 I swear.

01:10:21 - Okay.

01:10:22 We can keep it in mind, but so long as it's safe.

01:10:26 - It will be.

01:10:27 - All right.

01:10:31 - Cool.

01:10:32 - So Saturday it is?

01:10:34 - Saturday.

01:10:35 - If one of us get caught, no snitching.

01:10:44 - A spit oath?

01:10:46 I'm not shaking that.

01:10:49 - Come on, man.

01:10:49 We need to commit.

01:10:50 - Yeah, no thanks, man.

01:10:52 I'm good.

01:10:53 - Yeah, we really don't need an oath, you know?

01:10:56 We trust each other, right?

01:10:58 - Yeah, yeah.

01:11:00 Fine, okay.

01:11:01 I just thought we were having a moment.

01:11:03 - No, there was no, we were not having any moments.

01:11:08 Idiots.

01:11:09 - To getting what we deserve.

01:11:13 - To what we deserve.

01:11:14 - Yeah, yeah.

01:11:15 (upbeat music)

01:11:18 (upbeat music)

01:11:21 (upbeat music)

01:11:24 (upbeat music)

01:11:26 (upbeat music)

01:11:29 (upbeat music)

01:11:32 (upbeat music)

01:11:34 (upbeat music)

01:11:39 (upbeat music)

01:11:46 (upbeat music)

01:11:52 (thunder rumbling)

01:11:59 (rain pattering)

01:12:02 - Hey, Portia.

01:12:15 I was wondering if maybe you'd like to have dinner next week.

01:12:18 I'm even willing to pay half.

01:12:20 That's a joke, of course.

01:12:21 Okay, thanks.

01:12:22 (rain pattering)

01:12:25 (dramatic music)

01:12:37 (dramatic music)

01:12:39 (gun firing) (woman screaming)

01:12:55 (dramatic music)

01:12:58 (gun firing)

01:13:05 - You planning on running into any ninjas today?

01:13:09 - Look, I would just rather have it than not have it.

01:13:12 Why you always gotta give me a shot?

01:13:14 - Because you're being ridiculous.

01:13:16 - I am not.

01:13:17 I am being prepared.

01:13:19 Anyway, what did you bring?

01:13:22 Where is your weapon?

01:13:23 (man sniffing)

01:13:25 I'm gonna get some air.

01:13:27 All right, you know what?

01:13:30 Kill me for being a little nervous.

01:13:32 Shit is about to go down.

01:13:34 How can you be so calm?

01:13:39 - I'm not.

01:13:40 I'm just focused on the plan,

01:13:41 which, in case you've forgotten,

01:13:42 does not include any swordplay.

01:13:44 - Oh God, what's he carrying?

01:13:48 - I have no idea.

01:13:51 - Hey guys, we good?

01:13:52 - That really depends on what's in the giant bag.

01:13:54 - The masks.

01:13:55 - Remember?

01:13:56 - You need a giant bag for three masks?

01:13:59 - Yes, if you're doing it right.

01:14:01 Check it out.

01:14:02 - What the hell's that?

01:14:05 - What?

01:14:06 What's wrong with it?

01:14:07 - Nothing, just didn't realize

01:14:08 we were entering a children's TV show.

01:14:10 - Normal masks aren't good enough, okay?

01:14:13 We need to cover our whole heads.

01:14:15 Just try it on.

01:14:21 - Is there only chicken masks?

01:14:23 - No.

01:14:24 - Oh, great, yeah.

01:14:25 I will just take one of the other ones, thanks.

01:14:27 - Okay, fine, whatever.

01:14:29 - All right, what do we have?

01:14:32 Oh, mother...

01:14:33 - What?

01:14:34 - A fucking unicorn, seriously.

01:14:36 - Why couldn't you get us cool shirts?

01:14:37 You're like dead presidents.

01:14:39 - This is the cool shit, okay?

01:14:41 Just trust me.

01:14:43 Just me.

01:14:44 - Just get, get, get.

01:14:45 The masks are fine.

01:14:49 - Could the two of you please focus?

01:14:52 If we screw this up, it's prison.

01:14:54 Remember that.

01:14:55 - Yes, of course, incarceration.

01:14:56 I...

01:14:57 My head's in the game.

01:14:59 - I'm ready.

01:15:00 - Let's go.

01:15:01 Yeah, I'm even more ready than that.

01:15:02 Oh God, I did it again.

01:15:03 I'm so sorry.

01:15:04 - Move.

01:15:07 - Shotgun.

01:15:10 - Oh, Junior.

01:15:10 - Seriously?

01:15:16 You never heard of ski masks?

01:15:17 They're in like every high school you've ever seen.

01:15:18 - You know what your problem is?

01:15:19 You're ungrateful.

01:15:20 No wonder your dad doesn't like you.

01:15:23 (thunder rumbling)

01:15:26 (indistinct chatter)

01:15:37 (somber music)

01:15:43 (indistinct chatter)

01:15:46 - The guy's in what?

01:16:10 The one knocked out?

01:16:11 - Okay, good, good.

01:16:13 What about the cameras?

01:16:14 Did you manage to turn them off?

01:16:16 - Yeah, hot, I was in my bed.

01:16:17 I told you it would work.

01:16:19 One shouldn't throw the word genius around, but...

01:16:22 - Yeah, let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right?

01:16:24 How's it looking up there?

01:16:27 - Like a ghost town.

01:16:28 - Okay, come on, we're waiting.

01:16:32 (dramatic music)

01:16:34 (indistinct chatter)

01:16:39 (dramatic music)

01:16:42 - This is such a tragedy.

01:17:01 - Now, I'm not normally one to point fingers,

01:17:05 but I'm fairly sure I told you not to eat.

01:17:08 - The humans.

01:17:09 - Why would you think it was me?

01:17:11 - Because it's always you!

01:17:14 Every time we get on a planet,

01:17:16 it's the same bloody story.

01:17:19 The locals slide down your neck.

01:17:21 It's disgusting.

01:17:23 - But you know what?

01:17:24 Maybe it was him.

01:17:25 - No, no, no, no, no.

01:17:26 It wasn't him because he has food allergies

01:17:29 and you know it.

01:17:30 (sneezes)

01:17:32 Well, I wonder what that could be.

01:17:38 - I don't know.

01:17:39 I don't have mind reading protocol.

01:17:41 (dramatic music)

01:17:43 (baby crying)

01:18:07 - You've got a problem

01:18:09 and Control's gonna hear about it.

01:18:11 - I've got eyes on the ridiculous unicorn.

01:18:16 He's heading in.

01:18:17 Why a unicorn?

01:18:23 (dramatic music)

01:18:26 (dramatic music)

01:18:29 (dramatic music)

01:18:32 (dramatic music)

01:18:35 (dramatic music)

01:18:38 - Who are you?

01:19:04 Why are you doing this?

01:19:06 - Okay, so it's not really who we are that's important.

01:19:11 It's what we are.

01:19:12 You see,

01:19:14 we are aliens

01:19:18 from outer space.

01:19:22 Just like in your movies.

01:19:25 - You know, movies?

01:19:27 This is where we get our accents from.

01:19:31 So I choose a Russian spy with sexy protocol.

01:19:35 - Yeah, man.

01:19:36 Emperor Selassie,

01:19:37 Jah Rastafari, you don't know.

01:19:41 - And I'm a fusion of the two greatest humans

01:19:43 that ever lived, Mahatma Gandhi and Kylie Minogue.

01:19:48 (dramatic music)

01:19:52 (dramatic music)

01:19:55 (dramatic music)

01:19:57 (dramatic music)

01:20:00 (man laughing)

01:20:13 - You are?

01:20:22 (dramatic music)

01:20:26 (dramatic music)

01:20:28 - Hey, how's it going in there?

01:20:30 - It's covered by 10 feet of concrete.

01:20:33 He can't hear you from here.

01:20:35 - Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, my bad.

01:20:37 Over and out.

01:20:40 - All right, baby, I'll tell you a story.

01:20:47 But I think for you it will be a nightmare

01:20:51 because this here scary,

01:20:54 what you call zalkanide,

01:20:56 came here in a meteor when our moon exploded.

01:21:00 Our job is to find it.

01:21:03 Not only does it regenerate the skin,

01:21:16 it repairs our bodies,

01:21:19 gives us energy.

01:21:22 Basically, it keeps us alive.

01:21:24 - You see, it's making me like a new woman.

01:21:29 - In a few days, we are going to take all this zalkanide.

01:21:36 That is not good news for you and your friends

01:21:39 because it's fire from Babylon.

01:21:42 It will burn up everything.

01:21:45 Nothing personal, you understand?

01:21:51 (dramatic music)

01:21:54 Just Portugal.

01:21:55 - Sam, stop the car.

01:22:02 Our new host is in the vault and they're not human.

01:22:05 - Hey, hosts are not allowed here.

01:22:07 - Shh, I'm not a host, it's a mask.

01:22:09 - No, you need to go.

01:22:10 - Get away!

01:22:11 (alarm blaring)

01:22:14 - Come on, come on.

01:22:17 (dramatic music)

01:22:20 - Go, go, go, go, go, go.

01:22:23 Go, go, go, go, go.

01:22:25 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

01:22:29 - All right, all right, all right.

01:22:31 - Fuck off, I'm trying!

01:22:33 (Sam groaning)

01:22:40 - Oh my God, it's a crossfire, what now?

01:22:46 - I thought there was a lemon.

01:22:48 - What?

01:22:49 - It flew across the window.

01:22:50 (Sam screaming)

01:22:52 - How about a snack?

01:23:02 (dramatic music)

01:23:05 - What the fuck is going on?

01:23:07 Where'd they come from?

01:23:08 Why did their skin glow?

01:23:10 What, no, no, no, this can't be happening.

01:23:13 - Junior, Junior.

01:23:15 - This can't be happening.

01:23:16 - Hey, Junior.

01:23:17 - What, what, what, Junior?

01:23:18 - Junior, Junior, I need you to focus, okay?

01:23:20 I need you to focus.

01:23:21 Tell me what happened, okay?

01:23:24 - What happened to the vault?

01:23:25 - Stupid thing, what happened to the vault?

01:23:26 They, they had someone tie them.

01:23:29 They said that they needed zolkanoid for their bodies.

01:23:32 It heals their skin or some shit.

01:23:34 - Fuck.

01:23:38 - What?

01:23:39 What's going on?

01:23:41 - They're gonna, they're gonna steal the zolkanoid

01:23:44 and they're gonna burn everyone.

01:23:46 That's it, that's their plan.

01:23:47 - What, they're gonna burn, they're gonna burn,

01:23:48 who, who, who's gonna burn?

01:23:50 Who's burning?

01:23:51 - The aliens, that's, who's gonna burn everyone, the aliens.

01:23:54 - Oh, God, I need something to breathe in.

01:23:57 Is there like a plastic bag or some shit?

01:23:59 Oh, God.

01:24:00 Sam, Sam, what are we gonna do?

01:24:09 - I don't know, I don't know.

01:24:11 I need a minute to think, I need a minute to think, okay?

01:24:13 - People are getting dismembered while you think.

01:24:15 - Oh, my God, there's no need to be so overdramatic.

01:24:17 - Overdramatic is fucking aliens, Sam.

01:24:19 They're gonna fucking eat your intestines.

01:24:21 It's a who, who, who.

01:24:22 - What the hell is who, who, who?

01:24:24 That's not a-- - That's an alien sound.

01:24:25 That's the sound they play for aliens, man.

01:24:28 Fuck.

01:24:29 - You're weak, just like your mother.

01:24:38 - He's always late, he lies all the time.

01:24:40 - You don't have the stomach, the stomach.

01:24:42 - Basically, he's the worst father we've ever had.

01:24:45 - It was a joke to you.

01:24:46 What did you think was gonna happen?

01:24:47 - Clean that up or I'll give you another warning.

01:24:49 - Cohen, Cohen, is that you?

01:24:52 We need to stop.

01:24:54 - Say what now?

01:24:56 - We need to pull over.

01:24:59 - Oh, I am not pulling over right now.

01:25:01 - Now, pull over.

01:25:03 Now I am being serious.

01:25:05 Okay?

01:25:07 (engine rumbling)

01:25:10 - My dad was right.

01:25:22 I've been a coward my whole life.

01:25:25 - And I'm sick of it.

01:25:26 If we keep going, I will never change.

01:25:31 - Yeah, I will never.

01:25:36 (exhales)

01:25:37 We need to go back.

01:25:40 Oh, we need to go back.

01:25:42 - He's right.

01:25:44 These are our people.

01:25:46 We drugged them.

01:25:48 We did that.

01:25:49 We can't leave them behind.

01:25:52 - No.

01:25:57 No.

01:25:58 We can't.

01:26:00 They're our people.

01:26:05 - We go back.

01:26:06 - Going back?

01:26:09 - We go fucking back.

01:26:10 (engine rumbling)

01:26:15 (engine rumbling)

01:26:27 (engine rumbling)

01:26:30 - How's everyone feeling?

01:26:40 (engine rumbling)

01:26:44 (train horn blaring)

01:26:50 (train rumbling)

01:26:53 - We're gonna need some weapons.

01:27:09 - You mean like this?

01:27:12 - Not so ridiculous now, is it?

01:27:16 (gun cocks)

01:27:19 (gun cocks)

01:27:22 (train horn blaring)

01:27:27 - Oh, nunchucks.

01:27:36 Nice.

01:27:39 Did it come with a Bruce Lee poster?

01:27:41 - Yeah, it did actually.

01:27:43 Is that a problem?

01:27:45 - No, not at all.

01:27:47 Just as long as they don't break

01:27:48 while you're fighting an alien,

01:27:49 then everything's all good.

01:27:51 - If I were you, I'd be more worried

01:27:52 about my table ornament.

01:27:53 - Table ornament?

01:27:55 Dude, I'll have you know that this was crafted

01:27:57 by a master swordsmith in Osaka.

01:28:00 - Says basically unbreakable.

01:28:02 - Hey, guys, hey.

01:28:04 - Sorry, sorry.

01:28:05 Wait.

01:28:10 Oh.

01:28:14 We don't let them get away.

01:28:16 We fight to the death.

01:28:18 - Why do you keep spitting on yourself?

01:28:20 - What is wrong with you?

01:28:22 - Come on, man, this is a real moment.

01:28:24 We're probably gonna die here.

01:28:26 - We are not going to die, okay?

01:28:29 - How do you know?

01:28:30 - I just know.

01:28:34 Now come on.

01:28:35 Let's go get these assholes.

01:28:38 - Last thing, that is disgusting.

01:28:39 Also, a spit oath is not a real thing.

01:28:42 - It is a real thing.

01:28:43 - Yeah, if you're like eight.

01:28:45 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:47 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:49 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:51 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:52 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:54 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:56 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:28:58 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:00 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:02 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:03 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:05 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:07 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:09 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:11 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:13 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:15 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:16 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:18 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:20 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:22 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:24 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:26 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:28 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:30 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:31 - I'm not gonna do it.

01:29:33 - You guys are leaving me with him?

01:29:35 - There's three of them, there's three of us.

01:29:37 You have a sword, he doesn't.

01:29:39 You'll be fine.

01:29:40 - Dude, you can take him.

01:29:43 Definitely.

01:29:47 - Okay, I can take him.

01:29:50 - Looks like it's just you and me, Princey.

01:29:55 This is going to be so much fun.

01:29:58 Just the two of us, dancing through the night.

01:30:03 Dancing and fighting, the two things I can't do.

01:30:06 - Fuck!

01:30:07 What you have there?

01:30:08 - It's a samurai sword.

01:30:11 Yeah, it's from Osaka, so it's really legit.

01:30:15 - Oh, Princey have a sword.

01:30:17 Princey have a sword.

01:30:21 What you gonna do with it?

01:30:24 Chop off my head?

01:30:25 - Um, I was really thinking about it, but--

01:30:28 - There's only one problem, man.

01:30:31 You brought a sword to a gunfight.

01:30:34 Let me show you what I have.

01:30:36 - Holy shit!

01:30:42 - Oh, Princey!

01:30:43 - Oh my fucking shit.

01:30:45 (dramatic music)

01:30:48 - So what, we're hiding now?

01:31:14 - I could've sworn he was right here.

01:31:17 - Hold on, mate.

01:31:18 I believe you humans call it teleportation.

01:31:22 I knew you'd come back, you old feisty one.

01:31:27 But it's a big mistake.

01:31:28 - Yeah, well, you know what?

01:31:30 The way I see it, it's only a big mistake

01:31:34 if I don't kick your ass.

01:31:35 - Well, Sammy, that's your first problem.

01:31:38 I don't have an ass.

01:31:40 - My name is not Sammy!

01:31:42 Sammy!

01:31:43 (glass shattering)

01:31:47 (dramatic music)

01:31:49 (dramatic music)

01:31:52 (dramatic music)

01:31:56 (dramatic music)

01:31:58 (dramatic music)

01:32:01 (dramatic music)

01:32:04 (dramatic music)

01:32:07 (dramatic music)

01:32:09 (dramatic music)

01:32:12 (dramatic music)

01:32:15 (dramatic music)

01:32:18 (dramatic music)

01:32:20 (dramatic music)

01:32:23 (dramatic music)

01:32:26 - What are you doing here?

01:32:27 - I was looking for you.

01:32:28 - What?

01:32:30 It doesn't matter.

01:32:31 Listen, we're under attack.

01:32:34 I know how this is gonna sound,

01:32:35 but our new owners are aliens,

01:32:36 and they're trying to kill everyone.

01:32:38 - Calm down.

01:32:40 It's okay.

01:32:42 - What do you mean?

01:32:43 - Death is just a part of change.

01:32:45 Nothing to be worried about.

01:32:47 Excuse me.

01:32:48 (dramatic music)

01:32:50 - Surprise.

01:32:52 (dramatic music)

01:32:54 (groaning)

01:32:56 (dramatic music)

01:32:58 - I tell you what.

01:33:00 I'll educate the face here.

01:33:02 Get it out of your guts.

01:33:05 See if it can reach the moon.

01:33:07 - God, you're hard to look at.

01:33:11 Or we could just keep talking.

01:33:13 I think there's a lot we could learn from each other.

01:33:16 So, what's your planet like?

01:33:18 I'm sure it's so lovely.

01:33:21 - It's a free bit, man.

01:33:23 Do it while you still can.

01:33:25 - Okay, Prince, you can do this.

01:33:26 - Come on, man, don't be a pussy.

01:33:30 (screaming)

01:33:32 - Sammy.

01:33:36 - Sammy, did you know that humans can actually fly?

01:33:42 Oh, yeah.

01:33:43 If you wanted to, you could cut through the air

01:33:45 like a bloody gazelle.

01:33:47 There's only one small hitch.

01:33:50 The landing.

01:33:52 (dramatic music)

01:33:54 (groaning)

01:33:57 - Ooh, crikey.

01:34:00 (coughing)

01:34:01 That's gotta hurt.

01:34:02 (groaning)

01:34:06 (groaning)

01:34:11 - Pathetic.

01:34:22 How much body percent fat are you anyway, huh?

01:34:26 I really do hope that you're not too hairy.

01:34:31 You humans are so soft,

01:34:36 like little jellyfish.

01:34:40 That's why you're so tasty.

01:34:43 (screaming)

01:34:46 - Ha.

01:34:51 I just make clowning with you.

01:34:53 I don't have the pain receptor, so, you know?

01:34:58 But you do.

01:34:59 (screaming)

01:35:01 - Oh my God.

01:35:07 That was probably an ornament.

01:35:11 (groaning)

01:35:20 - Come on, mate.

01:35:21 Wake up.

01:35:23 Where are you gonna go?

01:35:27 In case you haven't noticed, I can go anywhere I want.

01:35:31 - Fuck.

01:35:36 - Okay.

01:35:37 Here's a clue.

01:35:38 The more intelligent the life form,

01:35:42 the less physical matter.

01:35:44 I'm 92% gas, mate.

01:35:47 Mainly hydrogen,

01:35:48 a lovely little bit of butane.

01:35:51 So that's why throwing things at me,

01:35:54 they're not gonna help you.

01:35:57 - You know what?

01:35:58 You're right.

01:36:00 - Well, hallelujah, who's finally getting it?

01:36:03 - But there's something you should know.

01:36:05 - Oh yeah, what's that, mate?

01:36:07 (dramatic music)

01:36:10 - I'm a goddamn geologist.

01:36:13 (explosion)

01:36:17 (screaming)

01:36:19 - Which makes me an expert in gas, asshole.

01:36:32 - Any last wishes, Fancy?

01:36:41 - Yes, actually.

01:36:46 If you're gonna kill me, I'm not dying on my knees.

01:36:50 - No problem, man.

01:36:51 But if you close your eyes, this is going to hurt.

01:36:56 - I don't care.

01:36:57 I'm not closing my eyes, even though I really want to.

01:37:01 - Aren't you the brave one?

01:37:03 Suit yourself.

01:37:04 (dramatic music)

01:37:08 (explosion)

01:37:10 - Oh my shit.

01:37:20 Oh my shit.

01:37:22 Hey man, good timing.

01:37:25 Like really good timing.

01:37:28 - Yeah, you okay?

01:37:30 - Yeah, I think so.

01:37:31 It did ruin my pants though,

01:37:35 but better my pants than my face, right?

01:37:39 - Good to know.

01:37:40 Let's go, gotta find Junior.

01:37:41 - Um, maybe he's already at the cot.

01:37:44 You know what?

01:37:46 I'll go check.

01:37:47 - Prince, let's go.

01:37:48 - Okay.

01:37:51 Oh God.

01:37:53 - You want to know what they call me back on my planet?

01:37:59 Something like the devourer.

01:38:02 You want to see why?

01:38:03 Yes?

01:38:05 (dramatic music)

01:38:08 - Oh shit!

01:38:09 - Get away from me, fucking fuck!

01:38:11 - What's wrong with you?

01:38:11 What, what, what?

01:38:12 (screaming)

01:38:15 (dramatic music)

01:38:29 (panting)

01:38:31 - Thank you.

01:38:34 - No problem.

01:38:35 Hey, you okay?

01:38:42 - Yeah, no.

01:38:43 - You sure?

01:38:44 - What about you?

01:38:45 Do you live?

01:38:46 - I'm fine, don't worry about me.

01:38:47 It's nothing.

01:38:47 I can barely feel.

01:38:49 How'd you know?

01:38:53 - Found out they were made of gas.

01:38:56 (gunshot)

01:38:58 - So I took a chance.

01:39:00 - Good call.

01:39:01 Hey, so you took him out, huh?

01:39:06 The big guy?

01:39:06 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:39:08 I slapped him around a bit and then sliced his head off.

01:39:12 Just like.

01:39:13 - So it's time safety too?

01:39:15 - Yeah, 100%.

01:39:16 - All right.

01:39:17 - Is that a pen in your leg?

01:39:20 - Yeah.

01:39:21 - Oh my God, dude, we need to take it out like right now.

01:39:23 - No.

01:39:24 - You could get ink poisoning.

01:39:26 It's fatal.

01:39:27 - Ink poisoning isn't a thing.

01:39:28 - Oh, dude, it's really a thing.

01:39:31 Sorry.

01:39:32 - Just let me.

01:39:34 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, what if it's an artery?

01:39:37 I could bleed to death.

01:39:38 - There is a small chance of that happening,

01:39:40 but there's like hardly any major arteries in your leg,

01:39:42 so I'm sure it'll be--

01:39:43 - That's not true.

01:39:44 - Okay, trust me, I have a medical degree, okay?

01:39:46 - You studied for three months online,

01:39:48 Prince, you don't know shit.

01:39:49 - Okay, that's just semantics.

01:39:51 I think just--

01:39:52 - What, can you stop?

01:39:53 - Just be brave, just be brave.

01:39:54 (painful grunt)

01:39:57 - Here you go.

01:39:58 (painful grunt)

01:39:59 Can we please get out of here, okay?

01:40:03 Yeah, yeah, of course.

01:40:05 You can put your, okay.

01:40:06 (painful grunt)

01:40:09 Okay.

01:40:10 (painful grunt)

01:40:14 What did she do to you?

01:40:18 - I don't know.

01:40:19 I mean, I just had blacked out.

01:40:21 I remember I was cleaning outside of our office and--

01:40:23 - Whoa, okay, whoa, hold on.

01:40:25 Guys, wait.

01:40:26 Take it easy.

01:40:27 - Are you okay?

01:40:28 - I just need to catch my breath.

01:40:30 - Okay, breathe in through your nose

01:40:32 and out through your mouth.

01:40:33 - Wow, all this time I thought it was breathe out then.

01:40:37 - What?

01:40:38 - Oh shit.

01:40:38 What a night.

01:40:40 I'm still trying to process everything, you know?

01:40:44 - Tell me about it.

01:40:46 I'm gonna need years of therapy after this.

01:40:48 - I mean, those are real aliens, you know?

01:40:51 We didn't imagine that.

01:40:54 - Wait.

01:40:55 Hey man.

01:40:57 - Don't move.

01:40:59 - What?

01:40:59 - Don't move, don't.

01:41:01 - What is it?

01:41:02 - It's probably nothing.

01:41:05 - Prints?

01:41:06 Dude, what is it?

01:41:07 - Bullshit.

01:41:08 (explosion)

01:41:12 (screaming)

01:41:16 - I can fix this.

01:41:21 I'm gonna be a paramedic.

01:41:23 I can fix this.

01:41:25 I can do this.

01:41:26 - Okay, just give me the leg.

01:41:27 No, just give me the leg.

01:41:28 Let go.

01:41:28 - No, let go.

01:41:29 No, no, come on, man.

01:41:31 Legs are important, okay?

01:41:33 - He doesn't need his legs because he's dead.

01:41:37 Gone, okay?

01:41:40 I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can do for him now.

01:41:43 - It doesn't matter, okay?

01:41:46 All I need is a first aid kit, a shitload of bandages.

01:41:49 I can do this.

01:41:51 I can do this.

01:41:53 (crying)

01:41:55 - Bandages?

01:41:59 Dude, what are you talking about?

01:42:02 Are you crying?

01:42:03 - No, no, no, no, no.

01:42:05 I'm, whoa.

01:42:07 I think I'm allergic to the aliens.

01:42:11 - You had another one of those stupid visions again, right?

01:42:12 - No, I didn't have one of those stupid visions, okay?

01:42:14 Shut up.

01:42:15 Can you walk?

01:42:19 - Yeah, I can walk.

01:42:20 - Yeah, I got you.

01:42:21 (soft music)

01:42:23 - Thanks.

01:42:24 - You good?

01:42:27 - Yeah.

01:42:27 - You know what sucks?

01:42:30 We just saved everyone and no one's gonna know.

01:42:32 - That's okay.

01:42:34 - Well, no, no, please.

01:42:36 Don't act like you don't care.

01:42:37 You're just trying to impress your girlfriend.

01:42:39 - No, that's not it.

01:42:41 I'm not, and she's not my girlfriend.

01:42:43 Are you?

01:42:46 - You can be such an idiot sometimes, Junior.

01:42:49 (soft music)

01:42:51 - I love you too.

01:42:59 I mean, I like you.

01:43:02 You like me too.

01:43:04 We like each other.

01:43:06 I love you.

01:43:12 I think my luck's changing.

01:43:17 (glass shattering)

01:43:18 What the fuck just happened?

01:43:21 (soft music)

01:43:28 - Me Lucy.

01:43:36 Must have put paint in the zalkanoid.

01:43:40 Overheated in the car.

01:43:43 - What were you saying about your luck changing?

01:43:45 (soft music)

01:43:47 - Sam, Sam, what are you doing?

01:43:56 Sam?

01:44:14 - Often the solutions to our problems

01:44:16 are a lot closer than we think.

01:44:18 Sometimes they're right in front of us.

01:44:25 - Oh my goodness, you are.

01:44:34 - Turns out the real value of zalkanoid

01:44:44 is what it can do for damaged skin.

01:44:46 And that changed everything.

01:44:49 (laughing)

01:44:53 - Dude, I still can't believe that this is our place.

01:45:02 I mean, look at this view.

01:45:05 It's ridiculous.

01:45:07 It beats the shit out of my car, that's for sure.

01:45:13 - You know, I've never had a roommate before.

01:45:16 It's gonna be a new journey for us, man.

01:45:18 - You don't meditate in the mornings like naked,

01:45:24 anything like that, right?

01:45:26 - I mean, I don't, but if that's something you wanna try--

01:45:29 - No, no, no, no, that's not what I meant.

01:45:32 Sorry, I must-- - No, I just read.

01:45:33 - Nevermind, just pretend I didn't say it.

01:45:35 - What did you even say? - What?

01:45:37 - So I do most of my things naked.

01:45:40 Are you boys okay with that?

01:45:41 - 100% fine with that, yeah.

01:45:43 - Beer's in the fridge.

01:45:45 - Thank you.

01:45:46 - Don't do that.

01:45:46 - Oh my God, she winked at me.

01:45:48 - No, she didn't. - Dude,

01:45:49 I am a medical professional.

01:45:52 The human body means nothing to me.

01:45:54 - That's not true.

01:45:55 - I took an oath.

01:45:57 - I don't believe you. - I did, yeah.

01:45:58 - Prince, that's not funny.

01:46:00 - Wait, don't do that.

01:46:02 AMI didn't just get a new lease on life.

01:46:07 They got a new leader.

01:46:11 Someone who we could all get behind.

01:46:13 And he made sure that everyone got what they deserved.

01:46:19 (Prince grunting)

01:46:41 (Prince grunting)

01:46:43 (Prince laughing)

01:46:47 (Prince gasping)

01:46:50 (Prince laughing)

01:46:55 (dramatic music)

01:47:16 (people screaming)

01:47:19 - They say you stole over 50 million.

01:47:21 Is it true?

01:47:22 - That's a lie, I didn't steal anything.

01:47:26 - Ha, whatever you say, chief.

01:47:28 Welcome to your new home.

01:47:31 (claps)

01:47:44 (dramatic music)

01:47:46 - Hey, you wanna pet my dog?

01:47:50 - You lucky, Fingers here makes a very special pudding.

01:47:54 - It's a secret recipe.

01:47:56 I'm busy making some right now.

01:47:58 - Oh my God.

01:48:02 - Does anyone wanna tell me what this creepy place is?

01:48:08 - It's our old refinery.

01:48:10 We used to process zolkonoid here.

01:48:11 - Oh, how fascinating.

01:48:14 I was hoping to go on a work tour on a Saturday.

01:48:16 - This isn't a work tour, okay?

01:48:17 As the new head of security,

01:48:18 I've been checking out all our sites

01:48:20 and last night I found something unbelievable

01:48:23 and I mean unbelievable.

01:48:25 - Oh, why didn't you just take a video

01:48:27 of this unbelievable thing and send it to me?

01:48:29 - No, this is something that you need to see

01:48:31 for yourselves, okay?

01:48:33 You guys ready?

01:48:36 - For what?

01:48:37 - To be disappointed.

01:48:38 - Ah, probably how Portia feels.

01:48:40 - Just shut up, come on.

01:48:42 (dramatic music)

01:48:44 - Tell me that isn't the dopest shit you've ever seen.

01:49:03 (dramatic music)

01:49:10 - Oh my God.

01:49:12 Now we know how they got here.

01:49:14 This isn't even the best part.

01:49:16 - What do you mean?

01:49:19 - Wait till you see what's inside.

01:49:21 - What's inside?

01:49:24 What's inside, what's inside?

01:49:27 Holy shit.

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