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00:05:14 We can't have a wedding without you.
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00:05:31 [KNOCKING]
00:05:33 Hello, Nina.
00:05:36 Hello, Jack.
00:05:39 Hmm. You know my wife.
00:05:43 Oh, my friend. So nice to see you again.
00:05:45 Likewise. Congratulations to you. Everything looks lovely.
00:05:49 Yes, yes. Lovely. String quartet, your idea?
00:05:53 Yes.
00:05:54 Oddly reminiscent, eh?
00:05:56 Yes, it is, isn't it?
00:05:58 Well, I wanted this party to have a little bit of everything.
00:06:00 Something old, something new.
00:06:02 Something borrowed?
00:06:04 Something blue, of course.
00:06:05 Yes. Well, you can keep it.
00:06:07 I threw it out hoping someone would find a use for it.
00:06:11 Back on the bride.
00:06:13 Dear, what?
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00:06:45 Give me a quarter.
00:06:47 Here, take two.
00:06:49 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:06:53 You look pretty hot in that dress.
00:06:55 Why, thank you.
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00:07:34 A little something for the missus.
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00:07:43 R2D2 of condoms.
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00:08:06 What the hell's that?
00:08:07 Protection. Let's bounce.
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00:08:14 All right, Nina, open up this goddamn door.
00:08:17 There's a wedding out there in case you haven't noticed.
00:08:20 Guests, a groom, your father.
00:08:23 We've spent a minor fortune and the priest is all aflutter.
00:08:27 Now, come on.
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00:08:35 Honey?
00:08:36 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:08:39 Am I going to have to knock down this door?
00:08:43 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:08:45 All right.
00:08:47 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:08:49 Stand back. I'm coming in.
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00:08:57 [GROANING]
00:08:58 [GROANING]
00:09:02 Please, Jesus, I think I dislocated my shoulder.
00:09:05 I hope you're happy now.
00:09:08 I'm going to be lurching all afternoon like Peter Lorre.
00:09:12 Will you please open up?
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00:09:39 Looks like an open bar.
00:09:41 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:09:43 You may think I'm an old fool, but I still have a trick or two up my...
00:09:47 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:09:49 Screen?
00:09:51 Shit!
00:09:53 Nina!
00:09:54 Oh, God, God, God, God, please tell me this isn't happening.
00:09:58 [KNOCKING]
00:10:00 Yes?
00:10:02 It's Father Ed. Are you ladies about ready in there?
00:10:05 Oh, yes. Yes.
00:10:07 Just checking. Time's a little tight. Could Nina sign this?
00:10:10 Uh, uh, uh...
00:10:12 [PHONE RINGING]
00:10:13 No problem, Father.
00:10:15 [PHONE RINGING]
00:10:17 Uh, be right down.
00:10:19 Very good.
00:10:21 Oh, this is... this is just great.
00:10:25 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:10:28 Oh, everything was so perfect.
00:10:31 The music, the day.
00:10:34 Oh, David.
00:10:37 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:10:39 Everything my wedding wasn't.
00:10:42 [MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:10:49 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:10:51 How about we skip the greeting, go right to the ring, and then the vows?
00:10:54 I don't suppose there's anything wrong, do you?
00:10:57 Of course not.
00:10:58 Are you all right?
00:11:00 Had another contraction.
00:11:01 Another? David?
00:11:03 Uh, sure. Fine.
00:11:04 Hold on a minute, Charlie. I've got to give the bride away.
00:11:06 Yes, we're not forgetting about you, Jack.
00:11:07 Why don't you just go stand over there and greet Nina when she comes down?
00:11:11 Any minute now.
00:11:13 Now, as soon as he hands her over, why don't you step in,
00:11:16 slip the ring on her finger like this. Does that work?
00:11:20 Sure.
00:11:21 Good.
00:11:23 Did you give the ring to little Maddie?
00:11:25 Okay, good. Now, while the audience is on you saying the ring vows,
00:11:28 maybe we can make another segue right here.
00:11:30 Oh, thank God. Here she comes.
00:11:32 Oh, good. Places!
00:11:34 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:11:47 Her father's never been around. I'm surprised he didn't recognize his wife.
00:11:51 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:11:53 It's a bit of a fire drill, darling, but you look beautiful.
00:11:57 Oh, I am so proud of you.
00:12:00 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God
00:12:02 to join David and Nina in holy matrimony.
00:12:05 Who offers this woman to be married?
00:12:07 I do. But--
00:12:08 The ring is the holy symbol of God's covenant.
00:12:10 Do you, David, take this woman to be your wife,
00:12:12 forsaking all others till death do you part?
00:12:14 I--
00:12:16 Do you, Nina, take this man to be your husband,
00:12:17 forsaking all others till death do you part?
00:12:19 I do.
00:12:21 Okay, ring. Ring.
00:12:23 Ring.
00:12:24 Where is it?
00:12:25 You don't have the ring?
00:12:27 But the ring is the holy symbol.
00:12:28 You really should have said something.
00:12:30 Ah!
00:12:31 Oh. Oh.
00:12:33 What the hell were they--
00:12:34 Take her hand. Take her hand.
00:12:36 Before God and these witnesses, I now pronounce you man and wife.
00:12:39 You may kiss the bride. Here.
00:12:41 You better get her to a hospital.
00:12:43 What the hell is this?
00:12:44 Oh, David, just shut up and kiss me. I'll explain later.
00:12:47 What in the name of Jesus prunes is this some sort of sick prank?
00:12:51 Just be quiet, Jack. Nina's gone.
00:12:53 What do you mean, gone?
00:12:55 What? You heard me. She's gone.
00:12:56 You want to explain that to all these people?
00:12:58 Well, if you hadn't stolen the groom--
00:13:00 Can you turn that trollop off?
00:13:01 Come on.
00:13:03 Right. Now tell me what's going on here.
00:13:05 She's gone.
00:13:07 What do you mean, gone? Where--
00:13:09 I don't know. But we'll find her.
00:13:12 You mean she left?
00:13:14 Well, not exactly.
00:13:15 Well, what exactly do you mean?
00:13:17 She, um, stepped out.
00:13:21 Out of the window?
00:13:22 Of the window? Okay, but it's fine. Really.
00:13:25 Sure, sure. Everything's in perfect order,
00:13:27 except no ring, no bride.
00:13:29 I'm Michael T. Barhamney, her dick fluid.
00:13:31 And of course, there's the small matter
00:13:32 that I just married my mother-in-law.
00:13:34 Oh, not really.
00:13:35 Oh, no? Well, then how do you explain this?
00:13:37 Your name is Nina Davis, isn't it?
00:13:40 Yeah, well, that was kind of a funny thing.
00:13:43 Oh, side-splitting, Nina.
00:13:45 I expect a check for $3,000,
00:13:47 not to mention a public apology for this,
00:13:49 this miscarriage of matrimony.
00:13:51 And where did Nina find this, this, this, this swinger?
00:13:54 Wait just a damn minute.
00:13:56 You stay out of this, you transgenerational,
00:13:57 thrill-seeking, dirty young man.
00:13:59 Just because your mama got undressed with the door open
00:14:02 does not mean that you get the heart of her.
00:14:03 Oh, just let me find her, you fat, dirty,
00:14:07 mind-and-absentee bag of wind!
00:14:10 I'll give you 24 hours,
00:14:12 and then I'm calling my lawyer.
00:14:14 Let's go, darling.
00:14:15 [whimpers]
00:14:18 [door opens]
00:14:19 I signed a license for her, naturally.
00:14:22 Oh, naturally.
00:14:23 What would you have done?
00:14:25 Me? Oh, I don't know.
00:14:26 Maybe instead of marrying some poor,
00:14:28 insuspecting bastard by proxy,
00:14:29 I would have told the truth.
00:14:31 She loves you.
00:14:32 We just have to convince her to come back, that's all.
00:14:35 Why did she leave?
00:14:36 Oh, it's the baby. I'm sure of it.
00:14:39 If you'd ever been pregnant, you'd understand.
00:14:41 The hormones alone are enough to scramble your brain.
00:14:44 This... this is just a young girl's fear.
00:14:47 That's all it is.
00:14:49 All she had to do was say so,
00:14:50 and it would have been off. She knows that.
00:14:52 It's not off, I tell you.
00:14:54 Now come over here and look at me. Look.
00:14:55 Nina puts on this dress,
00:14:57 looks in the mirror,
00:14:59 and what do you think she sees?
00:15:01 You.
00:15:03 Because, technically speaking,
00:15:04 she never puts on the dress.
00:15:06 You do.
00:15:07 Exactly.
00:15:09 Huh? Sorry.
00:15:10 For a second I thought there was logic at work there.
00:15:12 She sees her mother.
00:15:14 You know, I hate to say it,
00:15:16 but I think she's just afraid of becoming me.
00:15:18 I'm beginning to understand why.
00:15:20 Oh, come on. Put yourself in my place.
00:15:23 All those people out there,
00:15:24 my blowhard ex-husband,
00:15:26 the arrangements, my reputation.
00:15:28 Oh, God, my reputation.
00:15:30 Look, she loves you.
00:15:32 She's always had performance anxiety.
00:15:34 She'll come back if we don't find her first.
00:15:36 I'm sure of it. Believe me.
00:15:38 Believe you?
00:15:39 How can I believe you?
00:15:41 Well, then believe in her.
00:15:43 You said yourself that she would never leave
00:15:44 without saying something.
00:15:46 She's panicked or kidnapped or something.
00:15:50 Kidnapped? You are mentally disordered.
00:15:52 Oh, God, I need a drink.
00:15:54 Don't you?
00:15:55 Yeah, what do you have?
00:15:57 Oh, a little bit of everything.
00:15:59 Perfect. Make mine a double.
00:16:02 [car engine]
00:16:04 [car engine]
00:16:06 [car engine]
00:16:08 [car engine]
00:16:10 [car engine]
00:16:12 [car engine]
00:16:14 [car engine]
00:16:16 [car engine]
00:16:18 Thank God.
00:16:20 So what's a hire like you doing out bumming a ride there?
00:16:23 Um, hamming.
00:16:26 Um, it's a long story, really.
00:16:29 My name's Chipper, but you can call me Chip.
00:16:31 Pretty fat wheels, huh?
00:16:34 Fat?
00:16:35 My pops is Chicago, so I sort of
00:16:37 build it as a car for the day, if you know what I mean.
00:16:40 I'm just marrying me, checking it.
00:16:42 My aunt's talking about it later.
00:16:43 That's cool. Um, so, uh,
00:16:46 how long you been driving there, Chipper?
00:16:48 Chip, about ten minutes.
00:16:50 This totally rocks.
00:16:52 I can't wait to get my license.
00:16:53 I mean, I'm close, but that's all bullshit anyway, right?
00:16:57 I don't test well. I got some learning disability or something.
00:17:00 Some shit like that.
00:17:02 Uh-huh.
00:17:03 So, uh, where you want to go?
00:17:06 Uh, well...
00:17:09 [sigh]
00:17:11 I don't know yet.
00:17:12 Cool, cool. We'll just cruise.
00:17:14 [siren]
00:17:16 [car engine]
00:17:18 Hey, hey, hey!
00:17:19 He's walking his dog!
00:17:21 Yeah, well, fuck him. He can walk some other place.
00:17:24 Wait, no, I'm sorry.
00:17:26 I'm just a magnet for shit like this.
00:17:27 Do you know how it is?
00:17:29 Yeah, that's the trouble with shit.
00:17:30 You never know when it's magnetic.
00:17:32 I'm getting out of here.
00:17:33 No, wait!
00:17:35 I was just talking to Matt!
00:17:36 I got a plan!
00:17:38 You got a plan?
00:17:39 Yeah, you know.
00:17:41 Yeah, I know.
00:17:42 Look, we could, like, go back to my crib,
00:17:44 hang out if you wanted.
00:17:45 We got, like, a hot tub and everything.
00:17:47 A hot tub, really?
00:17:49 Yeah, it sucks at my mom's place,
00:17:50 but my dad's put together a pretty dope place.
00:17:53 We got, like, big screens and stairs
00:17:55 and four or five rooms.
00:17:56 Oh, and I got Nico Ultimate Deathmatch.
00:17:59 We got all kinds of stuff to drink, too.
00:18:01 I don't know what you're into.
00:18:03 Scotch? Like, 12-year-old beer?
00:18:05 Coolers?
00:18:07 Dad's really into beer right now,
00:18:08 so we gotta watch what we take.
00:18:10 But, you know, there's any kind you want.
00:18:11 Well, you certainly make it sound appealing,
00:18:13 but I gotta get out of town.
00:18:15 I don't suppose you know where the bus station is.
00:18:20 Fucking A!
00:18:21 All right.
00:18:23 Well, take it slow and stick to the back streets, okay?
00:18:26 You sure you don't want me to drive?
00:18:33 What, this bumper I hit?
00:18:35 Don't worry, baby. It's set to chill.
00:18:37 And what exactly are you set on?
00:18:40 Well, hey, you know.
00:18:42 Yeah, I know.
00:18:43 I ought to pop you right in the pimples.
00:18:46 You don't have to get all hostile.
00:18:47 Oh, I don't, huh?
00:18:49 Well, just what did you think we'd do back at your house?
00:18:52 Drink a few coolers, play a round of ultimate death match,
00:18:55 and trade some baseball cards?
00:18:57 Now you're fucking with me.
00:18:58 Yeah, well, it's as close as you're gonna get.
00:19:00 Let's face it. I am way out of your league here.
00:19:03 Don't underestimate me.
00:19:05 Let's just put it this way.
00:19:08 A guy got me into this. I don't need a guy to get me out.
00:19:11 Let's go.
00:19:12 Bogus. I get you.
00:19:14 I'm gonna stop you some smoke.
00:19:15 You want anything?
00:19:17 I might need you to buy me.
00:19:21 [rock music]
00:19:23 [rock music]
00:19:25 [rock music]
00:19:28 [rock music]
00:19:30 [rock music]
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00:19:58 [rock music]
00:20:00 [rock music]
00:20:03 [rock music]
00:20:05 I better change. We haven't got much time.
00:20:08 We're not going anywhere.
00:20:10 I'm gonna try her on her cell.
00:20:12 Don't bother. It's upstairs.
00:20:14 She must have left in a hurry.
00:20:16 You mean she doesn't want to be found.
00:20:18 Now, now, you've got to trust me.
00:20:20 [crickets chirping]
00:20:22 What's the matter?
00:20:23 I'm your wife now, you know.
00:20:25 Besides, you're a doctor, aren't you?
00:20:27 I'm a urologist.
00:20:29 You got any more surprises?
00:20:31 I don't dare say.
00:20:32 I take it you've read or seen Oedipus Rex?
00:20:37 Yes.
00:20:39 Just checking.
00:20:40 Don't gouge your eyes out just yet.
00:20:42 We haven't consummated anything.
00:20:43 [laughs]
00:20:45 Well, let's not adulterate an already messed up situation.
00:20:49 You have a lot to learn, honey.
00:20:50 Drink up.
00:20:52 Here's to us, I suppose.
00:20:54 Oh!
00:20:57 This could use a little grenadine.
00:21:00 Oh, Jesus.
00:21:01 What did you put in this?
00:21:03 A little bit of everything.
00:21:04 Just what you asked for.
00:21:06 Gee, Tammy.
00:21:08 Thanks for the smokes.
00:21:10 Sorry about filling up your legs and everything.
00:21:13 That's okay.
00:21:15 It's nice to know I'm such a fly babe, I guess.
00:21:19 Thanks for the ride.
00:21:21 I'll see you around.
00:21:23 Yeah, see you, Tammy.
00:21:25 Yo, Danny?
00:21:32 What's up?
00:21:34 Dude, listen.
00:21:35 You're never gonna believe this shit.
00:21:37 What, a tripper?
00:21:38 Hey, yo, listen.
00:21:40 I just picked up this serious piece.
00:21:42 You should have seen her.
00:21:43 Nah, you're full of shit.
00:21:45 Seriously, I just rolled down the vent.
00:21:47 What does she look like?
00:21:48 She must have been skank.
00:21:50 No way, she out-parada.
00:21:51 Skank.
00:21:53 She was not skank, dickweed.
00:21:54 This bitch was stank, I suppose.
00:21:56 Yeah, whatever.
00:21:57 I didn't notice.
00:21:59 She was too busy kissing me and shit.
00:22:00 On the real, it's your mother, maybe.
00:22:02 Heck, me.
00:22:04 Jeez, dude.
00:22:05 You are so not cool sometimes.
00:22:07 I'm cooler than skank boy and the day.
00:22:08 And your skank fantasies.
00:22:10 You're so gay, whatever.
00:22:11 Come pick me up at Walgreens.
00:22:13 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:22:14 Check this out.
00:22:16 It's hard to gut.
00:22:17 Tell you what, I'll let you listen in.
00:22:19 Hey.
00:22:21 Is this your dirt-bust car?
00:22:25 Yeah, girl.
00:22:27 You wanna ride?
00:22:28 I don't know.
00:22:30 Where you going?
00:22:31 Wherever.
00:22:33 Hmm.
00:22:34 Any chance I could maybe drive?
00:22:37 Well, I guess so.
00:22:39 As long as you're cool.
00:22:40 Don't I look cool?
00:22:42 Come on, move over.
00:22:45 Hey.
00:22:46 So, uh, what's a breezy like you doing out posting?
00:22:52 Oh, I just saw the G-Ride and I thought,
00:22:54 "What the fuck," right?
00:22:56 Yeah, what the fuck?
00:22:58 Yeah.
00:22:59 Hey.
00:23:01 Is this, uh, is this your Corvette?
00:23:04 Yeah.
00:23:06 You wanna ride?
00:23:07 Yeah, girl.
00:23:09 Climb in.
00:23:10 We're gonna party.
00:23:12 Whoa, dude, um, I don't know about this.
00:23:13 You don't know about what?
00:23:15 I don't know either.
00:23:16 Only girls gotta accessorize.
00:23:17 Now why don't you get the fuck out?
00:23:19 Get out of my car.
00:23:20 This stuff is easy.
00:23:22 My dad's gonna kill me.
00:23:23 Yeah, you're lucky she didn't cap your ass back up.
00:23:26 Hey!
00:23:29 Oh, I told you.
00:23:32 Poor kid.
00:23:34 Yeah, I kinda felt sorry for him.
00:23:37 I don't think I even see it as a guy.
00:23:38 Yeah, it was sexy, though.
00:23:40 Yeah?
00:23:41 Very Linda Hamilton.
00:23:43 Who's that?
00:23:45 Come on.
00:23:46 What's that?
00:23:48 It's for my scrapbook I got back from the park.
00:23:50 Scrapbook?
00:23:52 Me and the honeymoon.
00:23:53 I keep wanting to drive in the car.
00:23:55 Alright, show me your tits.
00:23:56 And they're all painted.
00:23:58 I need to get my body in.
00:24:01 What?
00:24:03 I need to get in the car.
00:24:04 Sexiest carjacker I ever saw.
00:24:06 I'll show you a carjacker.
00:24:09 I don't know the car wash.
00:24:13 You want me to pull over?
00:24:14 Over there, yeah.
00:24:16 Passengers,
00:24:18 Bullington Trailways reminds you that for your own safety,
00:24:21 do not accept baggage from persons that are not known to you.
00:24:24 Please keep your bags at all times.
00:24:26 I'd like a ticket to Toronto, please.
00:24:28 Thanks.
00:24:30 How many of those brain benders did you drink?
00:24:33 I can't believe I even agreed to this.
00:24:38 I should be home getting sloppy all by myself.
00:24:41 You did it because you know Nina and you know I'm right.
00:24:43 Now, why don't you call the police and report her missing?
00:24:46 Tell them what?
00:24:47 That I'm looking for my daughter-in-law so I can marry her?
00:24:50 They'll think I'm Woody Allen.
00:24:52 Well, it worked for him, I guess.
00:24:54 Both out of our minds.
00:24:58 Besides, she's only been missing for two hours.
00:25:01 The cops are going to tell me she's probably in a bar somewhere tying one on.
00:25:04 Maybe they're right.
00:25:06 Well, alright. What bars does she like?
00:25:09 Uh, well, let's see. There's Nerve Endings, Chico's, Day Care Center.
00:25:14 That's the name of a bar?
00:25:16 Yeah, it's kind of Fisher-Price.
00:25:18 They have toys, serve drinks in sippy cups, that sort of thing.
00:25:21 Oh, and the waiter escorts you to the bathroom and gives you a lifesaver when you come out.
00:25:25 That's sick. Who'd want to relive that?
00:25:28 Oh, and the ball pit's a very big hit.
00:25:30 Well, alright. Where is it?
00:25:32 Over near the bus station. I've got the number in here.
00:25:38 Stop, bitch!
00:25:39 [Screams]
00:25:41 Is he hurt?
00:25:50 I'm not sure.
00:25:51 What, you're a doctor?
00:25:53 What do you want me to do, check his prostate? Give me a second.
00:25:55 [Groans]
00:25:57 He probably fainted.
00:25:58 That was a close one, kid. You're alright. I'm Dr. Shears.
00:26:01 Oh, man.
00:26:03 Just stay down. Take your time.
00:26:07 Look, man, this hood is hot as hell.
00:26:09 Can I just sit up?
00:26:11 Sure.
00:26:12 Now, what were you doing running out in front of a speedy...
00:26:17 Walking out in front of a car?
00:26:19 I was trying to stop that bitch for help.
00:26:22 And who taught you how to drive, lady?
00:26:23 And who taught you how to stop cars, young man?
00:26:25 Easy, both of you. He may be in mild shock.
00:26:28 You thirsty, kid?
00:26:31 I could use a beer, that's for sure.
00:26:33 Some brown-haired bitch or some Armageddon-looking dude took my dad's bedclothes.
00:26:37 Took it? How?
00:26:39 Like carjacking. Jumped in and took off.
00:26:41 Oh, you poor kid. Well, what did they look like?
00:26:44 I don't know.
00:26:46 The chick. The chick was hot. You know.
00:26:48 Great. Get the police artist.
00:26:50 Well, he's rattled. Who wouldn't be?
00:26:52 Now, come on. Can you remember anything else about them?
00:26:55 Like I said, she had brown hair and a tattoo on her shoulder.
00:26:59 A butterfly, I think it was.
00:27:01 A butterfly? That's odd.
00:27:03 Yes. Who was she with again, kid?
00:27:05 Some dude that came out of nowhere.
00:27:07 Nina?
00:27:08 No, couldn't be.
00:27:10 Well, what are the odds?
00:27:11 Come on. Stealing a car?
00:27:13 Maybe she's in some kind of trouble.
00:27:15 Where did this happen, kid?
00:27:16 The bus station. They blew up. She got mental.
00:27:19 We're checking this out.
00:27:20 What?
00:27:22 You heard him. The guy snuck up and grabbed her.
00:27:24 Now hurry and bring him along. He can recognize the car.
00:27:27 This is nuts.
00:27:28 All right. Come on.
00:27:30 Whoa. Are we going to catch these freaks?
00:27:32 Presumably.
00:27:33 Fucking A.
00:27:35 Where are they?
00:27:38 Probably taking pictures.
00:27:40 Well, I still have another drink.
00:27:44 88.
00:27:48 Let's keep the change.
00:27:50 Thank you.
00:27:51 Travelers, Bullingdon Railways would like to remind you
00:27:55 of our Road Trip America Day.
00:27:56 What can I get you?
00:27:58 Yes, could I get a regular coffee?
00:27:59 Regular cream and sugar.
00:28:01 Two sugars, please.
00:28:02 I'm sorry. This is weird, but your voice,
00:28:05 it sounds almost as if you're saying a "s".
00:28:07 Oh, yeah. I forgot I did that.
00:28:10 You don't know how tiring it gets hearing yourself sometimes.
00:28:13 Does that mean you get to ride the train?
00:28:16 Gee, I don't know. I didn't think of that.
00:28:19 Sir.
00:28:20 Oh.
00:28:22 88.
00:28:23 Well, I hope that's a tip.
00:28:30 Because it's 88 cents.
00:28:32 Yeah, well, that's all I have. Can't you break it?
00:28:34 Yeah. I got it right here in my apron.
00:28:37 What do you think? Try the bus station window.
00:28:40 Oh, wow.
00:28:41 Ought to be closing any second now.
00:28:48 Not accepted.
00:28:50 And persons that are not in the room,
00:28:52 please keep track of your bags at all times.
00:28:54 Oh, wait, wait. I need change.
00:28:56 And thank you for traveling with Bullingdon Railways.
00:28:59 Ow. Ow.
00:29:00 Here he comes.
00:29:04 Look, they're closed, so...
00:29:07 Oh, gosh. That's too bad.
00:29:10 So, what are we going to do here?
00:29:13 112 coffees?
00:29:17 100? Did you calculate that in your head?
00:29:20 That's amazing.
00:29:22 Look, all I wanted was one...
00:29:24 It's okay. I'll take care of it.
00:29:26 Oh, would you?
00:29:28 Sure. Mr. Trailways is on me.
00:29:31 That'd be awfully nice. Thank you.
00:29:33 I don't know why I didn't think of this.
00:29:35 Oh, don't mention it.
00:29:37 Might reverse my karma a little bit.
00:29:39 Believe me, I've got a lot to make up for.
00:29:42 Oh?
00:29:43 Yes. It's a long story, really.
00:29:46 So, uh, are you going to Toronto?
00:29:52 Who wants to know?
00:29:54 I'm Roland Gillette.
00:29:57 Perhaps you've heard of me?
00:29:59 Jeez, I knew it. Of course. That voice. God.
00:30:03 I was just listening to you this morning.
00:30:06 Oh.
00:30:07 In fact, aren't you still in the air right now?
00:30:10 Or is that all taped or something?
00:30:12 Yes. Actually, I don't know quite how to put this, but...
00:30:17 Can I confide in you?
00:30:20 I've escaped.
00:30:22 You've what?
00:30:24 I put on George Friedrich Handel and, uh, I walked out.
00:30:29 I know it sounds completely ridiculous.
00:30:31 Oh, it makes perfect sense.
00:30:33 It does?
00:30:34 Yeah, you have no idea.
00:30:36 Of course, I had to climb off a house and rebuff a horny 15-year-old, but...
00:30:40 I don't think I quite follow you.
00:30:43 Well, I might as well tell you.
00:30:47 I walked out at my wedding an hour and a half ago.
00:30:51 I left a little more than dead air, if you know what I mean.
00:30:54 I can imagine.
00:30:55 So, uh, what's your plan now?
00:30:59 Plan? Who said anything about a plan?
00:31:03 This is, uh... Well, I don't know what this is.
00:31:06 Just don't say "breakfast epiphany," whatever you say.
00:31:09 That's a pretty lame pun, isn't it?
00:31:11 It's lacrosse I've had to bear.
00:31:13 Seems like a pretty cushy gig to me.
00:31:15 Yeah, you'd think being the town boar would be more interesting, but you have no idea.
00:31:21 Hmm. Well, this is no epiphany. I think it's more like a quandary.
00:31:26 This is the first boarding call for Blington Railway,
00:31:29 route 531 to Buckingham, Toronto, Ontario.
00:31:32 Limited to global stops, no boarding in...
00:31:34 Well, that's us.
00:31:36 So you are going to Toronto.
00:31:38 Maybe. I haven't decided how far we're going.
00:31:42 Honey, did you know that corn was a hairy vegetable?
00:31:47 I did not realize that.
00:31:50 Baby, how far are we from Canada?
00:31:52 Six or seven hours, probably.
00:31:54 You know, we're definitely going to need more gas.
00:31:57 Maybe we should, uh... find a motel?
00:32:00 You're trying to keep it soft with him. You're just scaring me. How?
00:32:03 It's the ribs, ain't it? I knew I should have got the others.
00:32:06 The ribs and every other part of my skeleton.
00:32:08 If I'd known you was going to bust out hornier and roman leaves,
00:32:10 I maybe would have brought a friend.
00:32:11 Look, I'm sorry.
00:32:13 Well, I'm not a can of paint, alright?
00:32:15 Well, look, next time I'll rob the store.
00:32:17 It'll give me something more to focus on.
00:32:19 I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to. I didn't rob the store.
00:32:21 You robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.
00:32:22 No, I didn't. I pay for everything regular.
00:32:24 You mean we carjacked a Corvette for no reason?
00:32:27 It's a classic. We had to ditch the other car anyway.
00:32:30 Yeah, but we could have stole it proper.
00:32:32 Jesus, Nikki, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
00:32:35 I'll get ten years for this.
00:32:37 I was trying to do things, you know, different.
00:32:39 Different how?
00:32:41 Baby, you were in two years and you busted it out again.
00:32:42 So you steal a car, you carjack it.
00:32:44 What difference does it make now?
00:32:45 It's all adds up.
00:32:48 I thought we were going to have a baby.
00:32:50 We are. Eventually.
00:32:54 Look, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
00:32:59 What kind of father carjacks a car?
00:33:01 What kind of steals a car?
00:33:03 Well, I don't know.
00:33:04 You all rocked it.
00:33:06 How much money we got?
00:33:09 About a million.
00:33:11 I'm not going to tell you.
00:33:13 I'm not going to tell you.
00:33:16 How much money we got?
00:33:17 About fifty.
00:33:19 Fifty?
00:33:20 Bucks? That's it?
00:33:22 Look, there was some stuff that I had to get.
00:33:24 And it's worth more up there anyway.
00:33:26 Like how much more?
00:33:27 I don't know.
00:33:29 Oh, that's just great.
00:33:30 Look, I was not the one that was in such a god awful hurry to get you out of G-World.
00:33:32 Yeah, well you weren't the one eating misery meat with a bunch of rump rangers every flippin' day.
00:33:35 Who was?
00:33:37 That one's just counting.
00:33:38 Most of those guys are out of there before they start thinking ass backwards.
00:33:40 Yeah, well you wouldn't know.
00:33:44 Look, I was worried.
00:33:45 Alright?
00:33:47 I felt maybe...
00:33:50 What?
00:33:54 I felt maybe you could find someone else.
00:33:59 Hey.
00:34:06 You tenfold.
00:34:12 I love you.
00:34:13 I love you.
00:34:15 Listen, I don't care about any of that other stuff as long as we can be together.
00:34:19 So, we'll just have to find the money some other way, that's all.
00:34:23 You mean we'll have to steam it.
00:34:26 Well what else are we going to do? That's the only thing we're any good at.
00:34:29 You're so cute when you get like that.
00:34:34 I'm like what? Like Linda Wets Her Face?
00:34:36 Yeah, all worked up.
00:34:38 I'm like, "I'm so sorry."
00:34:40 Yeah.
00:34:41 Hey look, uh...
00:34:43 What do you say we find a motel?
00:34:46 Steal a car from an overnighter, we'll be across the border by the time they wake up.
00:34:51 A motel, huh?
00:34:53 Now let me get a drink first.
00:34:56 We're never going to find them this way.
00:35:03 I hope you got Gats.
00:35:05 Gats?
00:35:06 Yeah, this chick had a non-millimeter.
00:35:09 You must be mistaken.
00:35:10 Nah man, I know my non when I see one. From the movies.
00:35:13 A barrel like this.
00:35:15 That's it.
00:35:16 Who are you calling?
00:35:18 The police.
00:35:19 No!
00:35:20 What are you two talking about? These people, whoever they are, are armed and dangerous.
00:35:24 Look man, I need my car back without a hassle.
00:35:27 Oh, well, I'm sure if we just politely ask for the car back, they'll hand it over and hopefully not cut off our ears.
00:35:33 You are mental.
00:35:34 And what if there's gunplay with the police? Nina could get hurt.
00:35:36 There's not going to be any gunplay because it's not Nina.
00:35:39 We don't know who they are or where they're going.
00:35:42 Whoa, yes we do. I almost forgot. Give me your phone.
00:35:45 Keep your hands off me.
00:35:47 Nah man, listen. I left my phone on in the car so my friend Danny can listen in.
00:35:50 He's probably been driving this whole time. Give me.
00:35:53 Give it to him. I'm pulling over.
00:35:55 I'm not paying any charges related to this fiasco.
00:35:59 Dude, what plan you on?
00:36:02 Let's just say for argument's sake that it is Nina.
00:36:05 Who's this guy she's with? This carjacker?
00:36:08 What are you getting at?
00:36:10 He's probably got a rap sheet longer than a small intestine. Where'd she meet him?
00:36:13 Maybe it was the ball pit.
00:36:15 Very funny.
00:36:16 I don't want to call it's self because he'll screw up the car waiting and lose my phone.
00:36:22 I guess I could call his house, but his mom's in the car.
00:36:28 I guess I could call his house, but his mom's an Uber bitch.
00:36:32 Well, fucking A.
00:36:34 I think you used that wrong.
00:36:36 What?
00:36:37 The expression. You know, I think you used it wrong.
00:36:40 That's an expression, is it?
00:36:42 You realize it's the only adjective P. Zitti here knows.
00:36:45 Apparently fuck has more meanings than aloha.
00:36:48 Well, they both mean hello and goodbye if you think about it.
00:36:51 I'm going to try not to.
00:36:54 Hello? Mrs. Barman? Is Danny there?
00:36:57 Yeah, it's Chipper.
00:36:58 Danny? What are you doing up there?
00:37:02 Nothing.
00:37:03 Chipper's on the phone.
00:37:05 Oh, he is? Okay, hold on.
00:37:07 Dude, what happened?
00:37:18 I was carjacked. You heard it?
00:37:19 Yeah, I heard it. I was heard some more too.
00:37:22 Right after that, they pulled over and they started shagging. It was like porno.
00:37:26 He was like, "Oh!"
00:37:27 It took forever.
00:37:29 No way!
00:37:30 Yes way. It was funnier than hell.
00:37:32 The dude, he's just out of prison or something, so he wants it constant.
00:37:36 But the chick's being a real bitch about it if you ask me.
00:37:38 Anyways, I can't talk long. What do you want me to do?
00:37:41 Just keep listening until you tell me where they're going.
00:37:43 And don't take any incoming calls.
00:37:46 I need that car back. No cops or I'm toast.
00:37:49 Word. I already know they're heading to Canada, though.
00:37:51 Except they're out of gas and the chick's spending most of their money.
00:37:54 So they're probably going to have to stop someplace and go medieval on some people.
00:37:57 Cool. You know what highway?
00:37:59 Uh, the dude said something about stopping in Bethany.
00:38:02 That's awesome. If anything changes, call me back at...
00:38:05 571-2228.
00:38:08 571-2228. Got it? Okay, later.
00:38:12 Awesome. We're on their ass.
00:38:16 Awesome.
00:38:18 ♪ Air Condition Conference, Air Condition Conference ♪
00:38:23 This isn't at all what I pictured.
00:38:26 I figured there'd be, like, college students and white supremacists and...
00:38:31 people muttering to themselves.
00:38:33 I think a bingo game might break out at any second.
00:38:36 So you've never been on a bus before?
00:38:39 No. You?
00:38:41 Oh. Yeah. Many times.
00:38:43 Really? A crudité guy like yourself?
00:38:47 What's that supposed to mean?
00:38:49 I don't know. I just figured you must hang out with society types.
00:38:52 Oh, yeah. The crudité types. I think you got that wrong.
00:38:55 Whatever. It's just the first thing I thought of, okay?
00:38:57 I'm just a disc jockey.
00:39:00 A crudité disc jockey, but just a disc jockey nevertheless.
00:39:04 You carry a lot of money for a run-of-the-mill disc jockey.
00:39:08 Well, money is just, uh...
00:39:12 necessary under the circumstances.
00:39:15 Which are?
00:39:18 Plucky, aren't you?
00:39:20 Whatever that means.
00:39:22 I, uh...
00:39:26 I've had some marriage problems.
00:39:29 Probably not what you want to hear right now, right?
00:39:33 Oh, hey. It's not like you're chasing me around the bus.
00:39:36 I don't think that's possible.
00:39:38 So, you're leaving.
00:39:41 Why the bus trip? Why not just deal with it?
00:39:45 I could ask you the same question.
00:39:47 Plucky, aren't you?
00:39:50 Well, I knew there wouldn't be a passenger list for you, anyway.
00:39:56 You?
00:39:58 Exactly.
00:40:00 You mean...
00:40:03 Cell phone?
00:40:06 That's just breaking.
00:40:10 They'll never find us.
00:40:12 Wow.
00:40:14 Can I stop?
00:40:16 I'm sorry, folks, but we seem to have lost power.
00:40:26 For your own safety, I'm going to have to ask that you remain seated
00:40:29 while I go outside and look under the carriage.
00:40:31 I apologize for the inconvenience.
00:40:34 Let's see what we got here.
00:40:44 A bus.
00:40:45 So? I mean, it looks like they got some trouble.
00:40:48 More than they know. Come on.
00:40:50 What?
00:40:52 Stagecoach robbery.
00:40:55 Hey, uh...
00:41:10 You having some trouble there, buddy?
00:41:13 Yeah. Looks like we're losing oil.
00:41:15 Pressure's down to nothing. Lost power.
00:41:17 That's the passenger.
00:41:19 Yeah, a few folks heading up to the falls.
00:41:21 Want me to call someone for you?
00:41:24 No, I can call in. I just thought I'd check it out first.
00:41:26 Are you letting everybody off?
00:41:29 Yeah, pretty quickly. I gotta light some flares first.
00:41:32 I'll go tell them for you.
00:41:34 That's my job, mister.
00:41:41 Ladies and gentlemen,
00:41:43 the driver has asked me to announce
00:41:45 that you will all be getting off the bus
00:41:47 to stretch your legs in a moment.
00:41:50 He would like to ask that you proceed off the bus
00:41:52 in an orderly fashion
00:41:54 and onto the shoulder of the road
00:41:56 one row at a time, beginning with the front row.
00:42:00 Um, couldn't he do it himself, young man?
00:42:04 Well, if you will direct your attention to the roadside,
00:42:07 you will notice that...
00:42:10 Oh my God!
00:42:11 Mr. Kahn has encountered a small road hazard.
00:42:15 It would be a shame to have to shoot him!
00:42:18 And now,
00:42:21 ladies and gentlemen,
00:42:23 for your own comfort and safety,
00:42:25 I will have to ask that you leave behind
00:42:28 all money, jewelry, cell phones,
00:42:31 and all other valuables on your seat as you debuss.
00:42:36 On behalf of the captain and crew,
00:42:39 I ask that you please have a safe and pleasant stay
00:42:41 on the side of the road
00:42:43 or wherever your final destination may be.
00:42:45 Now give me all your shit!
00:42:47 Give it over!
00:42:49 What have you got? Thank you, that'll do nicely.
00:42:51 Thank you!
00:42:52 Can you believe this?
00:42:54 I guess you're never safe.
00:42:56 True.
00:42:57 Is that all your cash?
00:43:02 No, it's all under the bus.
00:43:04 What?
00:43:06 But you should never put it there.
00:43:08 Shit!
00:43:09 What? Where's yours?
00:43:10 Well, if you ever need a hundred dollars,
00:43:13 you know who to ask.
00:43:15 What have we here?
00:43:17 Well, I'll take this,
00:43:19 and this should come in handy as well.
00:43:21 And you two lovebirds,
00:43:23 just stay right there.
00:43:26 Don't move a muscle!
00:43:29 Stay right there.
00:43:31 What else?
00:43:32 Oh! Looky here!
00:43:34 Look what I found!
00:43:35 It's another wallet!
00:43:38 Nobody moves!
00:43:39 Nobody gets hurt!
00:43:41 Nice and easy!
00:43:43 Keep your hands where I can see 'em!
00:43:46 Alright!
00:43:48 What do you think of this one?
00:43:52 It's nice.
00:43:54 I'll bet it's an antique.
00:43:56 Probably.
00:43:58 Hey, take my picture.
00:44:03 Brother, again?
00:44:05 Take it.
00:44:06 There.
00:44:10 Thanks.
00:44:11 I think it makes me look...
00:44:13 I don't know...
00:44:15 Class.
00:44:16 You always got class, baby.
00:44:19 Now how about you?
00:44:21 Me?
00:44:22 I got no class.
00:44:24 I know you lug nuts.
00:44:26 I mean, let's see what you look like with a ring on.
00:44:28 Right, but let's hurry it up.
00:44:29 I want to dump this car over at the diner.
00:44:31 Isn't that conspicuous?
00:44:33 Say what?
00:44:34 Isn't it obvious parking the car out in the open like that?
00:44:36 Well, park it in the back.
00:44:38 Go in and have dinner.
00:44:40 Nobody will think nothing.
00:44:42 Here.
00:44:45 This one's you.
00:44:47 Strong and simple.
00:44:51 Now you're mine.
00:44:54 I'll be a warning to all the others.
00:44:57 Okay, look, we'll get to that.
00:45:00 Now give me your wallet.
00:45:03 [music]
00:45:31 Getting in some practice.
00:45:33 Boys.
00:45:37 Come down.
00:45:39 You need a room?
00:45:42 Yeah, two.
00:45:44 Two rooms?
00:45:46 Two people.
00:45:48 Do you have a queen size?
00:45:51 Nope, just a full size.
00:45:55 Might have to get...
00:45:58 You traveling with the missus, are you?
00:46:03 Yeah, that's right.
00:46:06 So you're...
00:46:09 Why?
00:46:11 She's in the car there, is she?
00:46:14 Mm-hmm.
00:46:16 Well, you see, I only asked because as you can probably see,
00:46:20 I'm a man of faith and this here is a Christian establishment.
00:46:24 It says so right on the sign here.
00:46:27 I get all types in here.
00:46:30 Transients.
00:46:32 Truckers, what have you, you know.
00:46:35 And a lot of these people, well,
00:46:37 they don't respect the values of marriage.
00:46:41 Or they're folks engaged in adulterous shenanigans or
00:46:46 homosexual parties and whatnot.
00:46:50 Boys! Be good!
00:46:55 Those dang dogs are always barking.
00:46:59 I reckon they miss their mama.
00:47:01 Anyway, it's my place and it's my right to refuse any parties
00:47:07 who may be engaged in unlawful activities as is detailed in our state constitution.
00:47:12 It also gives me a chance to witness a bit my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
00:47:18 Now, you look like you might have come from the tough side of town.
00:47:23 Yeah, I did.
00:47:25 Amen to that.
00:47:27 I thought so.
00:47:29 No disrespect intended, but when I see a nice car like that,
00:47:34 I reckon a fella would do all right with the ladies.
00:47:40 Well, it is a Corvette.
00:47:44 Well, I'm just making sure that you really got the missus out there, that's all.
00:47:52 Oh, I can go get her. I need to get my flight number anyway. I always forget it.
00:47:56 Glory be to God. I appreciate it. I'll just run that through for you, Mr. Gillette.
00:48:02 Get out. This kook wants to look you over.
00:48:14 What does he want from me?
00:48:16 It's okay. Just leave the ring on.
00:48:19 Thanks for volunteering me for the three-mile hike.
00:48:22 I didn't volunteer you. I volunteered myself.
00:48:25 You could have stayed behind and sat on your bag of money.
00:48:28 I'd miss the delightful company. I wouldn't dream of it.
00:48:31 I guess this all seems very funny to you. I'm in a serious jam now.
00:48:35 I realize that. I'd like to help.
00:48:39 Well, it's very sweet, Roly, but let's face it. You owe me exactly 88 cents.
00:48:43 I'm sure you can make it.
00:48:45 I know that, but I like you.
00:48:48 Yeah, well, coming from a guy that can mean about 88 different things.
00:48:51 Let me guess. You want to get to know me better.
00:48:54 Oh, come on. I'm twice your age.
00:48:57 Yeah, and you just left your wife.
00:48:59 She left me.
00:49:02 She...
00:49:05 Oh, I didn't know. I thought you said...
00:49:09 It's all right.
00:49:11 I'm sorry.
00:49:14 It's a lousy double standard we've got, isn't it?
00:49:16 You want to talk about it?
00:49:18 No.
00:49:20 Oh, was it another guy?
00:49:23 Sorry.
00:49:25 She had an affair. I know that much.
00:49:29 I guess she still is.
00:49:32 20-plus years of marriage.
00:49:34 3,026 orgasms, by my estimation.
00:49:39 All for a roll in the hay with Barry.
00:49:42 All for a roll in the hay with Barry from Kiss '99.
00:49:45 No kidding.
00:49:47 She's probably squealing to Steely Dan even as we speak.
00:49:51 Not an appealing image.
00:49:53 You can say that again.
00:49:55 That's why I have this bag of money, as you put it.
00:49:59 I don't want them to get it.
00:50:02 Isn't that illegal?
00:50:04 Sure, but I don't plan on remaining in the United States.
00:50:07 And I wish them luck trying to get it back.
00:50:10 Wow. Well, at least that's a little fair.
00:50:14 As for me, I left behind a perfectly good man, too.
00:50:19 Just ran.
00:50:22 It was completely unfair to him.
00:50:24 He doesn't know why I ran, of course.
00:50:27 Which is?
00:50:29 Well, um, I was pregnant.
00:50:33 I mean, not anymore.
00:50:36 Oh, I see.
00:50:38 I hated everything.
00:50:40 I just wasn't sure.
00:50:42 And my mom, well, she...
00:50:45 See this?
00:50:49 David's wedding band.
00:50:51 I'm still carrying it.
00:50:53 Are you kidding me? Those busjackers could have...
00:50:55 Those two? Come on. They didn't get yours, did they?
00:50:58 They seemed a little inexperienced to me.
00:51:03 They were cute, though.
00:51:06 In a civilization sort of way.
00:51:08 Oh, I almost forgot.
00:51:10 My engagement ring.
00:51:12 There. What do you think?
00:51:17 I think you're having second thoughts.
00:51:19 Yeah, I think you are, too.
00:51:22 Listen, the last time I made love to a woman other than my wife
00:51:27 was during the sexual revolution.
00:51:29 My side lost, in case you didn't hear.
00:51:32 I think you're a bit out of my league.
00:51:35 3,026 orgasms?
00:51:38 Don't underestimate yourself.
00:51:41 And that voice is pretty sexy, too, you know?
00:51:43 Ah.
00:51:45 It's a curse to have this voice.
00:51:47 You have no idea.
00:51:49 People always asking you to emcee their oozma jaws
00:51:52 because they think you have some cachet.
00:51:54 I don't have any cachet.
00:51:57 I'm not even crudité.
00:51:59 Somewhere along the way,
00:52:03 I completely lost track of who I am.
00:52:06 At least you've got a little class.
00:52:10 Look at me.
00:52:12 Who the hell am I? I don't know.
00:52:14 Wandering around East Jesus without a clue in the world.
00:52:19 Maybe you should check in with your friend.
00:52:24 Yes, let's not lose sight of our destiny,
00:52:26 intercepting these homicidal lovebirds.
00:52:29 Don't be such a pussy.
00:52:30 Yeah.
00:52:33 We're in trouble.
00:52:34 We're gonna surprise them.
00:52:36 The two of you will occupy the guy
00:52:38 while I take care of my daughter.
00:52:40 You hear that, Chip? Charles Manson is ours.
00:52:42 No way, dude.
00:52:44 I'm out of here as soon as I get back to Mount Finn.
00:52:46 That other shit is your deal.
00:52:48 I want no part of that bitch.
00:52:50 Hey, watch your language when it concerns my daughter, young man.
00:52:53 No, Mrs. D. He's right. Let him go.
00:52:56 Why should he want to help us?
00:52:57 He's only here for the car, after all.
00:52:59 You know how car thieves work.
00:53:01 They have a plain view where anyone can spot it.
00:53:03 And of course, Chipper boy here has an extra set of keys.
00:53:06 Oh, dick me. The keys.
00:53:09 I didn't even think of that.
00:53:10 Fucking A.
00:53:12 You are warped, mister.
00:53:14 Seriously.
00:53:16 It's ringing.
00:53:18 I'm telling you. His mom is like a...
00:53:21 Oh! Hello, Mrs. Bartman.
00:53:24 How are you?
00:53:26 This is...
00:53:27 Bitch.
00:53:29 What?
00:53:31 You tell me. What's going on?
00:53:34 Chipper, it's like dinner time around here.
00:53:36 What do you mean, dinner time?
00:53:38 You're supposed to be tracking me.
00:53:40 Hey, he's up. I don't know where they went.
00:53:41 There was like a bus or something, so they got out to rail on some fuckers.
00:53:44 Anyway, like I said, Chipper, it's dinner time.
00:53:47 Well, eat, dickweed. Eat like the wind.
00:53:49 And call me back.
00:53:51 Great. I got a dick.
00:53:56 (door opens)
00:53:58 You folks looking for a room?
00:54:08 Yes. And a telephone, if you have one.
00:54:11 See, we're with a bus.
00:54:13 I mean, we were on a bus, and it broke down about three miles back.
00:54:16 Funny. You'd think they would have called ahead.
00:54:19 Yes. Well, that's the odd part.
00:54:22 A couple of gun people happened along, and we all got robbed.
00:54:27 They took our cell phones.
00:54:29 For heaven's sake, anybody hurt?
00:54:31 No, thank God.
00:54:33 There are several senior citizens back up the road.
00:54:36 We volunteered to walk ahead.
00:54:38 I see.
00:54:40 Boys, quiet!
00:54:43 Oh, now they got Simon started.
00:54:46 He's always howling about something.
00:54:49 Misses his mama.
00:54:52 You know, with a voice like that, you ought to be in radio.
00:54:56 I don't guess you are, are you?
00:54:57 No, I...
00:54:59 You know me? I got a face for radio.
00:55:01 That's what I always say.
00:55:03 Oh, oh, oh. Now, wait a minute.
00:55:06 We have a bit of a problem here.
00:55:08 I only got one room.
00:55:09 Oh, well, we can be together.
00:55:12 Uh-huh. Well, you folks related in some way?
00:55:16 Because I can see you're a married man.
00:55:19 Well, yes, I am.
00:55:20 But you see, the circumstances are a little unique.
00:55:22 Are they now?
00:55:23 Yeah, well, so is the grace of the Lord, mister.
00:55:26 And as you probably saw by the sign over there, we...
00:55:29 Well, come on, honey, tell him.
00:55:31 Tell him what?
00:55:32 Well, you know...
00:55:34 [laughs]
00:55:35 I'm still spinning about it.
00:55:37 How can I tell him?
00:55:39 We eloped. You see?
00:55:41 I know how it looks, what with our age difference and all.
00:55:43 But, well, it just sort of happened, you know?
00:55:45 Didn't it, dear?
00:55:47 Yes, quite suddenly.
00:55:49 We're kind of on our honeymoon, such as it is.
00:55:52 Off to a rocky start, I'm afraid.
00:55:54 Well, God bless you all, and congratulations.
00:55:58 I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but...
00:56:01 I reckon it was just meant to be, that's all.
00:56:04 You ought to have gotten married in a church, though.
00:56:08 Makes you feel...
00:56:09 I don't know.
00:56:12 Full of spirit.
00:56:15 Yes, well, don't we seem full of spirits to you?
00:56:17 I guess you do at that.
00:56:19 We, uh, have a no drinking policy as a rule.
00:56:29 But maybe some champagne in moderation...
00:56:33 might be all right under the circumstances.
00:56:36 Calm your nerves a little.
00:56:38 I like a happy ending.
00:56:44 Ahem.
00:56:45 Thanks.
00:56:47 Here you go.
00:56:48 You know, young lady...
00:56:51 you remind me an awful lot of my lovely wife, Nell.
00:56:55 We had ten beautiful years together before the Lord took her away.
00:56:59 Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:57:01 How long ago did she pass on?
00:57:04 Oh, she didn't die.
00:57:07 She ran off with a trucker to Ontario.
00:57:12 Oh, it's all right.
00:57:14 Got much to be thankful for.
00:57:16 Sorry I didn't read you.
00:57:18 You just never know, you could be somebody else's wife running off for all I know.
00:57:22 There you are.
00:57:25 Not much to fill out, I'm afraid.
00:57:28 We haven't settled on a place yet, and as you can see, we have no car.
00:57:32 Uh, don't forget about the people on the bus.
00:57:36 Right, you know, I got all caught up in your love story there.
00:57:41 I'll phone the sheriff directly, Mr...
00:57:43 Gillette.
00:57:45 Yes, I got caught up as well.
00:57:47 Say, do you mind if I...
00:57:49 Would you mind if I paid you in cash?
00:57:53 Cash?
00:57:55 Yes, as I said, there was a robbery.
00:57:57 Right, right.
00:57:59 There you are.
00:58:04 Keep the change.
00:58:06 Oh, that's very generous of you.
00:58:08 Don't mention it.
00:58:10 Uh, here's your key, lucky number, uh...
00:58:13 12, ain't got a 13.
00:58:17 Thanks very much.
00:58:19 Oh, uh, you'll let us know if the police need us for anything.
00:58:22 Right, I sure will.
00:58:24 Normally I'm not a fan of photography.
00:58:33 This has worked out quite nicely, don't you think?
00:58:38 Okay.
00:58:40 Thanks.
00:58:41 Do you want anything else?
00:58:49 No, thanks.
00:58:50 Look at this thing.
00:58:52 He's 15, got the arteries of a giraffe.
00:58:54 I eat that and I grow saddlebags.
00:58:57 Guys like a little saddlebag.
00:58:59 Do they now?
00:59:00 So what do we do about Chip?
00:59:03 We're kind of stuck here now.
00:59:05 Call his dad.
00:59:06 He deserves a good kick in the saddlebags if you ask me.
00:59:09 What's the number?
00:59:10 You're never going to find that car either.
00:59:12 Or Nina.
00:59:14 Not that she wants to be found in the first place.
00:59:16 Why can't you admit she just backed out?
00:59:19 Because I know her.
00:59:20 Look, one minute you're a girlfriend,
00:59:24 the next a wife,
00:59:26 and then a mother.
00:59:27 And then you think you'll never be young again.
00:59:31 Look, I ought to know.
00:59:33 Trust me, she'll remember what she's got
00:59:35 and come to her senses, you'll see.
00:59:38 You're a wonderful man.
00:59:39 Am I?
00:59:41 Yes.
00:59:42 You're not going to believe this,
00:59:46 but I swear my high school girlfriend
00:59:48 actually asked for her virginity back.
00:59:50 No!
00:59:52 Yes. Told me not to tell anyone
00:59:53 and forget that it ever happened.
00:59:55 My big moment.
00:59:57 So I tried to make light of it, you know.
01:00:00 Told her it was like marijuana,
01:00:02 you never get high the first time.
01:00:04 Well, I certainly did.
01:00:06 I thought I was addicted there for a time.
01:00:08 I had a lot to learn.
01:00:10 You know, I was so inexperienced when I married Jack
01:00:14 that I gave him a windburn of his urethra.
01:00:17 Low, right? That's what I thought.
01:00:20 Ever have a case like that?
01:00:22 Oh, no. No.
01:00:24 I must have made the journals, though.
01:00:26 We went with a lot less veracity after that.
01:00:28 No doubt.
01:00:29 It also explains his demeanor.
01:00:32 (music)
01:00:34 Oh, here comes Chomsky.
01:00:49 Dude, I saw them.
01:00:51 Sure as shit.
01:00:52 Saw who, Chip?
01:00:54 Them! The chick and the dude.
01:00:55 They ran across the highway to that motel.
01:00:57 Come on!
01:00:59 (music)
01:01:01 Stay tuned for a local whim.
01:01:05 Give you that.
01:01:07 Give you what?
01:01:08 Your one-stop shop for all your discount hot tub needs.
01:01:12 Barlow Spa and Waterbed Liquidators.
01:01:15 Located conveniently on Route 253 West, Brookfield.
01:01:25 God, I wish I had my clothes.
01:01:28 Yeah, well, it's the mood of the moment.
01:01:30 (laughs)
01:01:32 Why don't we take a room next to the Fight Club?
01:01:35 We'll listen to that.
01:01:37 Could they make love any louder?
01:01:40 I think I'm going to need a cigarette when they're done.
01:01:43 Oh, well, maybe it's all in your mind.
01:01:45 Yeah, that's it.
01:01:47 There's a guy over there banging a girl like a six-year-old with a cap guy.
01:01:50 It's all in my mind.
01:01:52 I must have a very dirty mind.
01:01:55 Hey, you're not all depressed or anything, are you?
01:01:58 Depressed? No. Impressed? Yes.
01:02:01 Sounds like he's rearranging her lymphatic system.
01:02:04 Sounds like she's enjoying it.
01:02:06 How can you tell?
01:02:08 Oh, I can tell.
01:02:10 Want some water?
01:02:11 Yeah. Give me a garden hose and some ice.
01:02:14 I'll have to get some.
01:02:16 God, they must be porn stars.
01:02:20 Or newlyweds.
01:02:21 Or newlywed porn stars.
01:02:23 Or maybe they're taking that "by Alice" or whatever it's called.
01:02:26 Erections lasting more than four hours may require medical attention.
01:02:30 Yeah, but for whom?
01:02:32 Hey, you know, you're kind of funny when you want to be.
01:02:39 That's an attractive thing in a guy.
01:02:41 Well, I'm sure Johnny Appleseed over there has quite the stand-up routine.
01:02:45 Maybe they let in a professional basketball team when they weren't working.
01:02:49 Maybe they've just been separated, you know.
01:02:51 Like schnauzers.
01:02:53 No, I'm serious. Pay attention to their voices.
01:02:54 Their voices?
01:02:56 You can pick out voices from that?
01:02:59 Yeah, I think...
01:03:00 You don't suppose it's those two from the bus, do you?
01:03:05 The natural-born killers?
01:03:06 Yeah, it's a possibility.
01:03:08 Listen...
01:03:10 Don't you think they'd be long gone by now?
01:03:12 Ah, I think she lived.
01:03:22 Well, I'm gonna go check.
01:03:24 It says right here that we're married.
01:03:40 We have IDs.
01:03:41 What is your problem?
01:03:43 Well, it's just strange, you know.
01:03:45 The ring is a holy symbol.
01:03:47 I mean, who carries around a marriage license to prove it?
01:03:51 Wouldn't you find that suspicious?
01:03:53 No.
01:03:54 Alright then.
01:03:58 What do you all plan to do with that young boy out there?
01:04:01 Excuse me.
01:04:03 Let me tell you the whole story.
01:04:06 Oh, take your time.
01:04:08 That room ain't gonna open up until the sheriff arrives.
01:04:11 Tammy, is that you?
01:04:15 Chipper?
01:04:16 What are you doing here?
01:04:18 Oh, Tammy, you're never gonna believe the shit I've gone through today.
01:04:21 You're lucky you blew when you did, though.
01:04:23 First this bitch--
01:04:24 Chipper?
01:04:26 Where are you? Get in here!
01:04:27 I gotta go. I guess I'll see you around.
01:04:29 Yeah.
01:04:45 For all your discount hot tub needs, Barlow's Spa and Waterloo.
01:04:49 Any luck?
01:04:51 They're here.
01:04:52 They are? So you were right?
01:04:54 No, not them. My mom and David and for some reason the horny 15-year-old, too.
01:04:59 I don't get it.
01:05:01 God, I saw them. Oh, man!
01:05:03 Where were they?
01:05:04 In the office.
01:05:05 Did they see you?
01:05:07 Yeah, the kid did.
01:05:08 God, how did he--
01:05:10 God, what miserable, stinking luck.
01:05:12 I mean, what is it with me? Really!
01:05:14 I can't believe this.
01:05:15 I mean, what am I gonna say?
01:05:17 Just calm down. They haven't found you yet.
01:05:19 I can't calm down. I mean, this is just freaky, you know?
01:05:22 I mean, I think God totally has it in for me. Really, I do.
01:05:26 You made it here, right? Without getting hurt, without any money, without any plan.
01:05:30 I'm sure they're looking for you, but maybe we can slip out unnoticed.
01:05:34 Wait a second.
01:05:36 Why didn't Chipper just rat me out right then and there?
01:05:39 He knows you, right?
01:05:41 No, of course not. He thinks my name is Tammy.
01:05:44 Tammy?
01:05:45 Yeah. I mean, who does he think they're looking for?
01:05:48 Did you hear what he said?
01:05:50 Yes, I heard you damn much what he said in there.
01:05:52 It's John Calvin's sick dream. Now even straight people can't get married.
01:05:55 Totally fucked.
01:05:56 But that's not important.
01:05:58 They're here, and the sheriff is coming.
01:06:00 We've got to find out what room they're in and lure them out.
01:06:02 Swiftness is the key. This is so cool.
01:06:05 Yes, cool, isn't it?
01:06:06 As long as the dude doesn't go mental on us.
01:06:08 Ah, right.
01:06:09 Oh, maybe you could, like, tranquilize him or something.
01:06:12 Oh, yes. I'm a doctor. I keep forgetting.
01:06:13 I'll just neutralize him with my blow darts. Good thinking.
01:06:16 Word.
01:06:18 I feel like a million bucks.
01:06:23 Just a few more miles over into Canada.
01:06:27 Home free.
01:06:29 We should get the rest of the stuff out of that bag.
01:06:35 We should put it on the jewelry you can wear.
01:06:38 No offense, but we can't.
01:06:40 [music]
01:06:42 They'll never get across the border.
01:06:55 Huh?
01:06:56 The border. They got cops. We'll never get across.
01:07:01 I mean, I know we got IDs, but none of them look like us.
01:07:03 Everybody's twice our age.
01:07:05 They don't accept that check.
01:07:06 They don't accept that check.
01:07:08 Any car we can get is hot.
01:07:10 We're hot. The whole damn situation's hot.
01:07:12 You're right.
01:07:14 Let me think.
01:07:15 How about we go to Vermont?
01:07:20 Vermont?
01:07:21 Yeah. It's practically another country.
01:07:23 And we can get ski jobs or something.
01:07:25 Ski jobs?
01:07:26 Yeah.
01:07:27 You said it yourself. I got no skills.
01:07:29 Besides, somebody will recognize me and then I'll be right back in jail.
01:07:32 All right. It was just an idea.
01:07:37 There's gotta be a way.
01:07:39 So what were you gonna do in Canada?
01:07:45 [police radio chatter]
01:07:50 [police radio chatter]
01:07:52 Oh, God. We're too late.
01:08:12 Torbate, I knew it.
01:08:14 This is Grand Theft Auto. Armed criminal... something or other.
01:08:19 Nina will be my age by the time she gets out and then what?
01:08:22 We'll still be married and I'll be father and grandfather to my own child.
01:08:26 Whoa.
01:08:27 Don't joke around.
01:08:28 I'm not joking.
01:08:30 Wait a minute.
01:08:31 They're not holding anything material to the crime.
01:08:34 And Snoop Dogg here's the only witness, right?
01:08:36 Word up.
01:08:37 So what do they have to hold them on?
01:08:39 Not Dick.
01:08:40 Not Dick. Correct.
01:08:41 If only we could get someone in there that they won't know.
01:08:44 Then we could flush them out.
01:08:46 Oh, I know someone.
01:08:47 Tanny.
01:08:48 Imaginary friend?
01:08:49 Let me guess, you've been tripping on ecstasy this whole time.
01:08:52 Nah, man. I saw her like five minutes ago.
01:08:54 Tanny?
01:08:55 Yeah, I picked her up earlier today and dropped her off.
01:08:57 They won't know her from Dick.
01:08:58 You picked up another girl today?
01:09:01 Yeah. Didn't I mention that?
01:09:02 No.
01:09:03 Around noon time. On Park Hillside.
01:09:05 And she said her name was Tanny, did she?
01:09:08 Yeah, definitely.
01:09:09 We were gonna party, but she was really freaked out about some shit.
01:09:12 So I took her to the bus station.
01:09:14 The bus station?
01:09:15 Freaked out, was she.
01:09:17 Brunette, about yay tall.
01:09:19 Yeah, that's her.
01:09:20 Tattoo on her shoulder.
01:09:21 Yeah, just like the other bitch.
01:09:22 Sweet Lord, I'm gonna be damned.
01:09:25 Two chicks with the same tattoo?
01:09:27 Now that's mental.
01:09:29 I got the wrong girl all along.
01:09:31 (knocking)
01:09:48 Hands up!
01:09:49 Okay.
01:09:50 Fellow working the front desk thinks you might know something about a hold up.
01:09:54 Oh, yes, of course. But can we discuss it inside?
01:09:57 Get the hands up.
01:09:58 Okay.
01:10:00 (knocking)
01:10:08 You at the party?
01:10:09 Paid for a room with cash?
01:10:10 Got a big suitcase full of money?
01:10:12 Oh, yeah, yeah. But I can explain it.
01:10:14 The busjackers are next door.
01:10:16 All we have here is Rolly's money.
01:10:18 They've got the stuff from the bus.
01:10:19 You sure about that?
01:10:21 'Cause I will lock you up quicker than you can say chain gang women.
01:10:24 We told the man we hiked here to call for help.
01:10:26 They drove off and it...
01:10:28 I'm in a corvette.
01:10:30 Hey, that sounds like the...
01:10:32 That sounds like the perps from the state alert.
01:10:34 It sure does.
01:10:36 Okay, stay inside.
01:10:38 And stay low.
01:10:40 Stay put.
01:10:42 Okay.
01:10:44 Now you brought the sheriff down on us.
01:10:51 Me? I wasn't the one orgasming in blood and murder.
01:10:54 It's not my fault. Maybe a few troubles.
01:10:56 Anyway, those two busjackers,
01:10:59 I mean, they had a lot of truck or something.
01:11:01 They were on foot and...
01:11:03 God, I feel like I've got a replacement head
01:11:05 thanks to you, Mr. Tenderness.
01:11:07 Shut up and come in.
01:11:09 Police department, open up.
01:11:13 I'm going to count to three, then we're coming in.
01:11:15 Yeah, one...
01:11:17 Two...
01:11:19 Three.
01:11:21 Who's this?
01:11:25 He's John the Baptist.
01:11:27 It looks like he's going somewhere.
01:11:43 What are we doing?
01:11:50 What do you think?
01:11:51 I think I heard him out back.
01:11:53 Yeah, me too.
01:11:55 Sounds like the police circled around after him.
01:11:58 Yeah, let's go out the same way.
01:12:00 Okay.
01:12:02 You go next door and see if they've got my stuff.
01:12:04 Are you sure?
01:12:06 Yeah.
01:12:08 Ow!
01:12:10 Sorry.
01:12:12 It's all right.
01:12:14 I'm going to go out the back door.
01:12:17 Ow! Sorry.
01:12:18 It's all right.
01:12:20 Who's that?
01:12:22 Maybe it's Chipper's dad.
01:12:24 He didn't surprise me.
01:12:26 I'll go check it out.
01:12:44 (singing)
01:12:47 (singing)
01:12:50 A little careless there, Wally.
01:13:17 You forgot to take the key.
01:13:18 Shut up!
01:13:20 Oh my God!
01:13:22 Hold it right there.
01:13:32 Police.
01:13:34 Ma'am, I thought I told you to stay inside.
01:13:37 There are armed perpetrators out here.
01:13:39 I don't see any.
01:13:41 Yeah, well, that's just the point.
01:13:43 They're hiding.
01:13:46 I gotta get out of here.
01:13:47 It's all a sham.
01:13:49 We're not really married.
01:13:51 Then how'd you get a room?
01:13:53 I've known Reese for years.
01:13:55 He's not one to--
01:13:57 Okay, we are married, but I'm practically a hostage.
01:13:59 He's like twice my age, you know?
01:14:01 Well, I did see that.
01:14:03 You do realize that there could be a hail of gunfire
01:14:05 out here any second, right?
01:14:07 Anything?
01:14:09 No. I'll explain.
01:14:11 Explain back in the car. Come on, let's go.
01:14:13 Okay. Ma'am, I want you to get yourself
01:14:15 a seat for a deputy there.
01:14:17 I couldn't find the owner anywhere.
01:14:24 Oh, Zina.
01:14:26 Jackie, the keys.
01:14:28 Total word. I'm bound to seek my wits.
01:14:30 Who was the guy?
01:14:32 Some dude.
01:14:34 Rolly!
01:14:38 What are you doing?
01:14:40 I'm coming for you. We gotta get out of here.
01:14:42 I know that. Hey, I got your bag.
01:14:44 I'll be right over.
01:14:46 No, no, no. I can't. They're right next door.
01:14:48 They're--
01:14:50 That explains the kid.
01:14:52 Chip?
01:14:54 Yeah. He blew in, used the word "fuck" more times
01:14:56 than I thought was possible,
01:14:58 and then dashed off with some keys.
01:15:00 Help me.
01:15:02 I hope you brought my bag.
01:15:07 I panicked and I totally forgot.
01:15:10 Damn!
01:15:12 I'll stay here.
01:15:14 How am I supposed--
01:15:15 Never mind. I'll leave somewhere.
01:15:18 Well, don't you think that you at least
01:15:21 owe David here an explanation?
01:15:24 May I help you?
01:15:26 Who are you?
01:15:28 I'm Roland Gillette. Perhaps you've heard--
01:15:30 Thank you, Mr. Gillette, but unless you're a locksmith,
01:15:32 I'm trying to get my daughter out of this room right now.
01:15:35 Oh, this room?
01:15:37 Unless this is the Matrix, yes.
01:15:39 But that's my room.
01:15:41 Let's not play games here, buddy.
01:15:43 Oh, no, not at all.
01:15:45 I've got the key, right?
01:15:47 Oh, wrong room.
01:15:50 You're right.
01:15:52 So, sorry.
01:15:54 Drunk?
01:15:59 I believe you forgot something else.
01:16:03 I know. I forgot to tell you they saw me.
01:16:06 I'm sure they'll just think I have Alzheimer's,
01:16:08 but I meant the key, of course.
01:16:10 Damn, I also forgot the key.
01:16:12 I think I dropped it.
01:16:14 Splendid.
01:16:16 Excuse me.
01:16:18 I'm so sorry, Roly.
01:16:20 You're becoming a liability. I hope you know that.
01:16:23 I know, but you still love me.
01:16:26 Why don't you try, you know, say something nice?
01:16:35 I'm wracking my brain. I can't think of anything.
01:16:38 Maybe we should get a tire iron.
01:16:41 The key has to come out eventually. We'll just...
01:16:44 Oh, wait. The crooks must have gotten out the back,
01:16:47 so maybe Nina wouldn't...
01:16:49 My God, you're right.
01:16:51 You go to the front. I'll run around.
01:16:54 Nina Davis, you better open up that door.
01:17:09 I'm coming in there.
01:17:12 Oh, come on. I'm not as young as I used to be.
01:17:15 I'll be right there after you.
01:17:18 Ah, we meet again.
01:17:22 What? I must have the wrong window.
01:17:26 I'm very sorry.
01:17:28 Oh, no, you don't. This is room 12.
01:17:31 She's gone, I'm afraid.
01:17:33 I would have told you before, but you wouldn't have believed me.
01:17:36 How did you get...
01:17:39 It's much easier going out.
01:17:41 Try bracing yourself with a TV stand,
01:17:43 use the bed to break your fall.
01:17:45 That's pretty much how I did it.
01:17:47 Or I could help you.
01:17:49 I choose B.
01:17:51 Now, how do you know my daughter?
01:17:59 Well, that's a rather long story.
01:18:01 Shorten it. Where is she?
01:18:03 I don't know. When you showed up, she ran.
01:18:07 Oh, did she now?
01:18:09 And where were you running to the same place?
01:18:12 Ah, that would seem rather suspicious, wouldn't it?
01:18:15 Well, you see...
01:18:17 [music]
01:18:37 Hey, you wanna come in?
01:18:41 Yeah, sure.
01:18:46 Hiya.
01:18:48 So you expect me to believe that you left your wife,
01:18:54 coincidentally met my daughter,
01:18:57 and ran off with her to this motel
01:18:59 without any preconception whatsoever?
01:19:01 As preposterous as it sounds, yes.
01:19:04 Then why did you sneak in from the back?
01:19:06 Why not go to the office for another key?
01:19:08 I could ask you the same question.
01:19:10 Ah-ha, because I know that the owner isn't here.
01:19:13 You didn't. I had to break in,
01:19:15 or I'd let you in.
01:19:17 I'm afraid when I got back, she was already gone.
01:19:20 Why are you lying for her?
01:19:23 Why are you chasing her?
01:19:25 Because she loves David. And she's pregnant.
01:19:28 If only she would face up to it.
01:19:30 So, you ran to the bus station and randomly met this guy,
01:19:34 took a bus trip with him, conveniently stopping at a motel
01:19:36 halfway to his destination, strictly for verbal intercourse.
01:19:39 We were bus jacked. I mean, they were right here in this room.
01:19:42 Thanks. I forgot that part.
01:19:44 Those things are so common, I simply take them for granted.
01:19:47 Kind of like wedding ceremonies.
01:19:50 I am so sorry.
01:19:53 I... David...
01:19:55 I love you. I... I do.
01:19:58 I just... I just... Something happened
01:20:00 that I just can't totally explain exactly.
01:20:03 (laughs)
01:20:06 Wait, wait, wait.
01:20:10 You mean to tell me that you married
01:20:13 your own son-in-law based on the belief
01:20:16 that your daughter would change her mind
01:20:18 and take your place when you finally caught up to her?
01:20:21 Well, it's not quite that simple.
01:20:23 She actually did marry him.
01:20:25 She... just wasn't there exactly.
01:20:28 No, it doesn't get a whole lot clearer than that, I'm afraid.
01:20:31 That was her whole plan, aside from chasing criminals
01:20:33 across two states with Eminem's kid brother in tow.
01:20:35 And so you agreed to this?
01:20:37 Me? No. Ah, the priest was speed-reading the vows.
01:20:40 Leanne's water broke.
01:20:42 And the next thing I knew, I was married to my mother-in-law.
01:20:45 So she married you so that I'd be married to you?
01:20:48 (screams)
01:20:50 So we became traveling companions, confiding in one another.
01:20:54 They're just sort of...
01:20:56 Did you hear something?
01:20:58 Oh, uh, my ears are ringing.
01:21:00 I'm sure it's just from the headphones.
01:21:02 Nina Davis.
01:21:04 Well, well, well.
01:21:10 I hope that you were explaining to this young man
01:21:13 why you walked out on him.
01:21:15 No, he's trying to explain your actions.
01:21:17 Only they're not making any sense
01:21:19 because he isn't mentally deranged.
01:21:21 Listen, Miss Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
01:21:23 Did he also tell you how I broke my shoulder,
01:21:26 rappelled across the eaves,
01:21:28 and humiliated myself in front of half the guests
01:21:31 at your wedding just for you?
01:21:33 Ladies, I...
01:21:35 No, he explained how you forged my signature,
01:21:37 somehow stuffed your bossy ass into my dress
01:21:39 and married him by proxy
01:21:41 just to have one last control-frill fetish for yourself.
01:21:44 Well, why don't you just sleep with him while you're at it
01:21:47 and then you can have his baby?
01:21:49 Nina, I think...
01:21:51 Oh, listen to you.
01:21:53 Sexual responsibility!
01:21:55 Oh, and where did I come from?
01:21:57 The Virgin Mary?
01:21:59 Oh no, that's right.
01:22:01 You got knocked up in the back of the Tasty Freeze
01:22:03 during the junior varsity game, didn't you?
01:22:05 I think maybe you two should talk alone.
01:22:07 Oh, I'm alive. I'd get right in there.
01:22:09 The fact that he left me for the babysitter was not my fault!
01:22:12 Oh, and where were you when he was tipping her the hard way,
01:22:15 dusting that shrine to my never-ending childhood,
01:22:17 otherwise known as my room?
01:22:19 Well, they'll run out of insults eventually.
01:22:22 And then what, they'll ram each other?
01:22:24 It's not my fault that you have no decorating skills!
01:22:28 Oh, don't be a fool.
01:22:31 You're throwing away your future.
01:22:33 Oh, I already have.
01:22:35 I'll try to intervene.
01:22:37 Haven't you already?
01:22:38 What the hell are you talking about?
01:22:40 Your future's right here!
01:22:42 You can thank me for it!
01:22:44 Well, that's certainly the theme of the day.
01:22:46 But I've always done exactly what you say,
01:22:48 and it always ends up a disaster!
01:22:50 Can we talk, Mrs. Davies?
01:22:52 Look, Roland, whoever you are,
01:22:54 you are the exact reason why I'm here.
01:22:56 So that my daughter doesn't run off with some middle-aged...
01:22:59 whatever it is that you do.
01:23:01 I have a radio program back in the big town
01:23:03 called Breakfast Epiphanies.
01:23:06 I'm sure you're familiar.
01:23:07 It's true.
01:23:09 Well...
01:23:11 We all...
01:23:13 We all know that program.
01:23:15 You just never think you're going to meet...
01:23:18 the boys!
01:23:20 You know!
01:23:22 Um...
01:23:24 This must be so awkward for you, Mr. Gillette,
01:23:27 but as you can see,
01:23:29 we have a family matter to settle here.
01:23:32 Why don't we leave it to them?
01:23:35 It is between them, after all.
01:23:38 Well, I...
01:23:40 I got 'em together.
01:23:42 It's up to the two of you now,
01:23:45 I guess.
01:23:47 Rolly!
01:23:52 Yeah?
01:23:54 I guess this is goodbye.
01:23:56 If you're getting off at East Jesus.
01:23:58 Yeah.
01:24:00 Or you know how to find me.
01:24:02 Just follow my voice on the trail of hundred-dollar bills.
01:24:06 You're not some kind of a freak, are you?
01:24:08 Because you seem pretty nice on the surface.
01:24:11 I really love your show.
01:24:13 Oh, really?
01:24:15 Mm, it's just so...
01:24:17 genteel, you know.
01:24:19 I'm just such a sucker for all that.
01:24:21 And you're really quite good.
01:24:23 Oh, well, that's very flattering.
01:24:25 Unfortunately, I'm going to be on hiatus
01:24:27 for a brief eternity, but...
01:24:29 perhaps we should discuss it over coffee
01:24:31 while they work things out.
01:24:34 All right.
01:24:35 There's the motherfucker.
01:24:37 Found her right behind the dining room.
01:24:39 Good for you.
01:24:41 Oh, and you got some Dian Dash shit to deal with?
01:24:43 Oh, thanks.
01:24:45 You want to tell me what this is all about?
01:24:47 God, how do I do that?
01:24:49 Well, we could consult the magic box of reasons.
01:24:51 Hey, yo, uh, oh, sorry.
01:24:53 Whoa, were you and Taney about to hook up?
01:24:55 No, I don't think so.
01:24:57 Oh, well, so we're on the real.
01:24:59 She got some unresolved B.S. to deal with.
01:25:01 So, uh, bye, everywhere.
01:25:03 Copy?
01:25:05 I copy.
01:25:07 Here's your cell back, dude.
01:25:09 I got my wheels, so I'm gonna dip.
01:25:11 My aunt's gonna have my ass for this shit.
01:25:13 Guess I'll see you around.
01:25:15 Peace out, Taney.
01:25:17 You ain't never gonna believe this shit.
01:25:19 Well, that's the trouble with shit.
01:25:21 Yeah, has no belief system.
01:25:23 Look, Nina, what is this?
01:25:27 Why couldn't you just have
01:25:32 given me a little more time to get used to the idea?
01:25:35 The idea of what?
01:25:37 Listen, I love you.
01:25:40 I love you, too.
01:25:43 Okay, so maybe things got a little accelerated there.
01:25:49 And I admit, I misdiagnosed my own low level of spermatogenesis.
01:25:55 But didn't we...
01:25:57 Don't we have something here?
01:26:00 I mean, we're going to have a baby, for Christ's sakes.
01:26:03 Uh, no.
01:26:05 No, we're not.
01:26:07 What?
01:26:10 Um, well, I, uh, I sort of took care of that.
01:26:14 You sort of took care of that?
01:26:17 Um, all right, I...
01:26:20 I did take care of it.
01:26:23 Well...
01:26:29 Uh, who did the procedure? Was it Morrissey?
01:26:32 No, it was none of your friends.
01:26:34 I walked through the line of fetus waivers just like everybody else.
01:26:37 I really should call it unplanned parenthood, if you think about it.
01:26:41 Yes, but they'd lose the condom trade.
01:26:45 Look, I wish I could have been there.
01:26:47 Oh, no, no, you don't.
01:26:49 The reception area was a mess, and there wasn't a current magazine in sight.
01:26:53 And the TV was tuned to Barney.
01:26:55 You know what I mean.
01:26:58 I know.
01:27:00 I'm sorry for that.
01:27:02 I screw up everything.
01:27:08 I'm not ready to be a mother, David.
01:27:11 God, what the hell kind of mother would I be?
01:27:14 Well, if your mom is any testament, you've made a compelling case.
01:27:18 Why does everyone have such faith in me all the time?
01:27:21 Don't I screw everything up?
01:27:23 I mean, didn't I screw this up?
01:27:25 What kind of wife would I be?
01:27:28 Well, the second one, as things currently stand.
01:27:31 I'm serious.
01:27:33 I don't know.
01:27:35 I don't even care.
01:27:37 Why do you even have to be one?
01:27:40 I thought it was what you wanted.
01:27:42 Well, it sounded so romantic at first.
01:27:45 It was romantic.
01:27:47 When you weren't throwing up on something.
01:27:49 Look, I didn't come here to make you marry me.
01:27:53 Your mother did that.
01:27:55 I came here for you.
01:27:57 All I ever wanted was you.
01:28:01 Me too.
01:28:04 I have a proposition for you.
01:28:10 You know how at the daycare center you can order dinner in reverse?
01:28:16 Dessert then the main course?
01:28:18 Well, what if...
01:28:20 What if we have the wedding in reverse?
01:28:24 Take the honeymoon tickets and just go have fun again?
01:28:27 And then if someday we decide this is what we want...
01:28:31 We're fully rehearsed.
01:28:34 Yeah.
01:28:36 Well, you'll have to divorce my mother first.
01:28:53 Evening, sir. Can I see some identification?
01:28:55 Reese McElroy.
01:29:01 Yes, sir.
01:29:02 Address?
01:29:03 Old Mill Road, Rural Route 19, Bethany.
01:29:07 Where are you traveling tonight, sir?
01:29:09 Toronto, Ontario.
01:29:11 I see. Any goods to claim?
01:29:13 No, sir. Personal business only.
01:29:15 Very good. What's the purpose of your visit to Canada?
01:29:19 I'm going to get my wife back.
01:29:22 Praise the Lord. Good luck to you.
01:29:25 Amen. Sir, your passport.
01:29:28 [Music]
01:29:33 [Speaking French]
01:29:37 [Music]
01:30:06 [Music]
01:30:16 I thought you were going to be spooky.
01:30:18 Yeah. Well, maybe we can catch up to him later and explain everything to him.
01:30:23 I kind of doubt that.
01:30:25 Smile.
01:30:27 Bienvenue. First day, new life.
01:30:32 You're going to destroy us, aren't you?
01:30:35 Destroy you?
01:30:37 It's in the dance.
01:30:38 Oh, come on.
01:30:39 Really?
01:30:40 It's what you used to know. It's romantic.
01:30:42 Romantic?
01:30:43 Yeah. Romantic like you wouldn't know.
01:30:45 Romantic like I wouldn't know.
01:30:46 That's what it's about.
01:30:47 I don't be romantic. Check this out.
01:30:50 So, what do you think?
01:30:58 Not bad. You keep that up, I might cut out once in a while.
01:31:03 Oh, that's how it's going to be, isn't it?
01:31:06 [Laughter]
01:31:08 Very Linda Hamilton.
01:31:10 [Laughter]
01:31:13 [Music]
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