Inverness mum experiences her first Christmas as a grieving parent after her baby boy tragically died in his sleep.
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00:00 My name's Daisy, I am Albie's mum and mum to Caden, Jacob and Milo.
00:05 Albie died of sudden unexpected infant death in April,
00:10 so since then we've just kind of been finding our way through and
00:14 figuring out how to do life now.
00:18 Our first Christmas was actually okay, like I had braced myself to
00:23 not want to do anything and not feel any joy or anything but
00:27 because Milo's still little and the boys were still enjoying it we were kept going and
00:31 we had, Albie was still very much a part of our day because he had a stocking
00:36 so Santa took him a little mouse teddy for his stocking and we had his pictures
00:42 on the dining table when we were eating our lunch and we all raised a glass to Albie.
00:47 So he was still very much a part of the day so I felt okay on Christmas Day.
00:51 It was more Boxing Day when everything quietened down and everything slowed down
00:56 and it really hit me that he wasn't here.
01:01 Christmas Day I felt a lot of apprehension going into it
01:05 and Boxing Day I just felt so surprised at the feeling of how painful it was
01:12 and how much I was struggling with it because I didn't expect to feel that on Boxing Day
01:18 because we, as a family, we don't have any big Boxing Day traditions or
01:22 you know, it's not as big as Christmas Day for us but
01:25 I think it was just with things slowing down and I noticed very much that he wasn't there.
01:30 [Bell ringing]
01:35 Something great happened on Boxing Day night because I'd had such a bad day through the day
01:40 and at night I went to bed and then in the morning woke up and I had drowned
01:45 to Albie for the first time which was so special and it was the most random dream.
01:50 We were just at the swimming pool and he was in the little baby pool
01:54 and at the end of the dream I got to pick him up and I could feel his weight and he was smiling at me
02:00 and I just think Albie seen that I was struggling so much.
02:04 [Baby laughing]
02:08 On New Year's Eve I was struggling so much just the thought of going into a year
02:13 where Albie wasn't going to be, you know, he wasn't ever going to have existed in 2024
02:18 and I was just so scared of midnight coming
02:22 that I was going to somehow leave him behind and move on even though I knew I wasn't going to
02:27 but it seemed that that was what was going to happen because I would have to say
02:31 "Oh my baby died last year."
02:33 For the New Year we've got a few plans in place so on the 10th of February we're going to have a
02:39 Galentine's Day which will be really fun so we've got people lined up to come along and do
02:44 mini massages and French pleats, tarot cards,
02:50 so that's going to be fun and my friend is going to organise from getting clothes from charity shops
02:55 so that she can put on a little fashion show so that should be really fun.
02:59 So we're having that on the 10th of February at the Smithton Hotel
03:02 and then on the 10th of March we've got quite a few people running the marathon for Albie
03:09 so that'll be fun and then April of course is his birthday and also the month that he died
03:15 so we're going to have a big quiz because we had a quiz that was our first ever fundraiser
03:22 so it feels right because I plan to slow down the fundraising after the year
03:28 so it feels right to finish it in how we started it and just see
03:32 how far we've come and what a difference little Albie has made.
03:36 My advice would be just to go with whatever feels right for you.
03:42 If you want to cry, cry, if you want to make a big Christmas dinner, make the big Christmas dinner
03:47 but whatever you want to do is totally fine just go with whatever you can.
03:51 It's actually not my advice, it's actually Nicola's advice from Held in our Hearts
03:57 but she said just be very gentle with yourself and take one day at a time
04:01 because I think the reason I was struggling with New Year so much was
04:05 because you're thinking of a whole year and there's so much pressure to think
04:09 'okay I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna set all these goals'
04:13 whereas if you just think about it day at a time that helps and on the New Year's night itself
04:20 I was thinking about things minute by minute, you know, I wasn't looking any further ahead than that
04:25 I was just getting through each moment so I think just don't put too much expectation on yourself
04:32 and don't think too far ahead, just take it as it comes.
04:37 *baby laughing*