The Steve Harvey Show : Back To School
Season 1
Episode 1
Episode 1
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:03 How you doing?
00:05 I'm Steve Hot Top.
00:07 I used to have my own group, Steve Hot Top
00:09 with the Hot Tops.
00:10 Back in the day, we were the bomb, riding in limos,
00:14 women jumping up all on the stage.
00:17 So much money, we'd write a check and the bank would bounce.
00:21 Times changed and suddenly we were out.
00:24 It's been tough these past few years.
00:26 I'm so broke, they cut off my refrigerator light.
00:29 [LAUGHTER]
00:31 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:36 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:39 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:43 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:46 Excuse me.
01:10 I'm Mr. Hot Top, the new music teacher.
01:12 I'm here to see the principal.
01:14 Hey, Mr. Hightower, how's it going?
01:16 My name's Stanley, Stanley Kuznacki.
01:18 They call me Bullet Head.
01:19 You see, because I got a bullet in my head.
01:21 So that's why they call me that.
01:24 If you need anything, I can hook you up.
01:26 You know, pencils, push pins, erasers.
01:29 Wait a minute.
01:31 Let's go back to the part where you said
01:33 I got a bullet in my head.
01:36 Hey, buddy.
01:37 Welcome on your first day.
01:39 How you feel?
01:39 Well, I was feeling pretty good, coach, until--
01:41 I was talking to Mr. Hightower.
01:44 He's got a bullet in his head.
01:47 Stanley, could you please put stamps on these?
01:50 And this time, put them on the front of the envelope.
01:52 Fine.
01:53 Be like everybody else.
01:56 Morning, Ms. Greer.
01:57 Hey.
01:58 This is my oldest buddy, Steve Hightower.
02:00 We've known each other since college.
02:02 Steve's teaching music.
02:03 Oh, so you're Mr. Hightower.
02:05 I'm the principal, Ms. Greer.
02:07 Wow.
02:08 Nothing like the principal when I was a kid.
02:10 My principal wore a half piece, had one big eyebrow,
02:13 and some razor bumps.
02:15 She's quite a woman.
02:16 You must be referring to Superintendent Williams.
02:21 Yeah.
02:23 Well, she gave me my first job.
02:25 Mm.
02:28 Now, perhaps you find hormonal imbalance humorous.
02:33 In my office.
02:34 Not you, coach.
02:39 [LAUGHTER]
02:43 Boy, last time I got called in the principal's office,
02:50 it was because I had put a sign on the fat girl's back that
02:53 said, I sweat Crisco.
02:54 [LAUGHTER]
02:58 I guess you kind of had to be there.
03:03 I would really like to say what an honor it
03:08 is to be here, and I can't tell you how much I truly,
03:11 really do appreciate the job.
03:13 Look, why don't you just save the syrup for your pancakes?
03:16 What?
03:19 Well, now, you would think with those big old ears,
03:21 you could hear.
03:21 Did we date?
03:27 [LAUGHTER]
03:31 No.
03:32 Did I date your sister?
03:34 No.
03:36 Now, can we kindly stay in the present, despite your clothes?
03:41 Now, due to budget cutbacks, you are
03:43 now head of your department.
03:45 So in addition to teaching music,
03:46 you will also be teaching art and drama.
03:49 I need you to sign here.
03:50 It says you agree to the new terms.
03:53 I don't know anything about art or drama.
03:55 Besides, I don't agree.
03:57 Oh.
03:58 Well, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to find someone else.
04:01 Wait a minute, let me take a look at this.
04:05 I probably need to go over this with my colleagues,
04:07 Mr. Mortgage, Mr. Gas Bill, and Mr. Cardinal.
04:11 Well, you and your colleagues have until 4:30,
04:14 or else you can all carpool over to Mr. Unemployment.
04:18 Goodbye, Mr. Hightower.
04:20 Wait a minute.
04:21 Do I remind you of someone?
04:24 An ex-boyfriend?
04:27 Your baby's daddy?
04:27 How about the guy that gave you that perm?
04:33 [MUSIC PLAYING]
04:36 [CHATTER]
04:40 Class, can I have your attention, please?
04:50 [CLAP]
04:51 [LAUGHTER]
04:54 [MUSIC PLAYING]
05:01 [HORN HONKING]
05:04 [LAUGHTER]
05:05 OK, everybody, let's settle down.
05:08 Let's take a seat.
05:11 First of all, I'd like to introduce myself.
05:13 My name is Mr. Hightower, and I'm your new music teacher.
05:17 And I'm your art teacher.
05:20 And I'm your drama teacher.
05:21 [LAUGHTER]
05:24 [CLAP]
05:25 Where's Mr. Seeger?
05:27 Yeah.
05:27 How come you teaching all those subjects?
05:29 [GROAN]
05:30 And why do we got to take this class anyway?
05:32 [CHATTER]
05:35 I don't know.
05:37 I was set up.
05:39 And I don't know.
05:40 [LAUGHTER]
05:43 [CLAP]
05:46 My name is Sarah, and I'm very good in drama.
05:48 Don't hide.
05:48 Don't hide.
05:50 I was also an extra in "Dangerous Minds."
05:53 See, the AD, Best Movie Talk Assistant Director,
05:56 said that I would be the next Jada Pinkett.
05:59 Oh, please.
05:59 She's always making up stuff.
06:01 Last week, she said she was Vanessa Williams' sister.
06:03 [LAUGHTER]
06:04 I said people think we look like sisters.
06:06 See, Mr. Hightower, this is what happens when people are envious.
06:10 It's the price I pay for my looks.
06:12 I'm part Indian.
06:13 That's how I get my hair.
06:14 [LAUGHTER]
06:16 Please, you just got that hair Saturday.
06:18 [CHATTER]
06:22 Hey, hey, hey, calm down.
06:24 This ain't Ricky Lake.
06:27 I'll let you fight.
06:28 [LAUGHTER]
06:30 [MUSIC - RICKY LAKE, "THE BODA"]
06:32 Oh, the boda.
06:33 The boda, the boda.
06:36 The boda.
06:37 The boda.
06:38 [LAUGHTER]
06:40 Well, lookie here, Radio Raheem.
06:43 [LAUGHTER]
06:44 Class started five minutes ago.
06:46 Yo, I'm Romeo Agosta making entrance.
06:49 Nice suit, come with a eight track.
06:51 [CLAP]
06:51 [LAUGHTER]
06:54 Nice pants, big and small, have a garage sale.
06:57 [LAUGHTER]
06:59 Don't pick on Romeo, Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is.
07:02 He was late because he was shopping for my birthday
07:04 present.
07:05 Isn't that right, baby?
07:06 That's right.
07:07 I love you.
07:08 I know.
07:10 Hey, hey, hey, you two want to knock it off?
07:12 Where you think you are, vacation Bible school?
07:15 [LAUGHTER]
07:17 Hey, everybody.
07:18 [CHATTER]
07:21 [WHISTLE]
07:22 Everybody, calm down.
07:24 I know I owe all y'all money.
07:26 [LAUGHTER]
07:28 But I'm not here to pay anybody back.
07:31 [LAUGHTER]
07:32 I'm just here to check on my friend.
07:34 Hey, dog, how's it going?
07:36 No, don't "hey, dog."
07:37 Me in the hall, right down.
07:38 [LAUGHTER]
07:45 Say, what is with these kids?
07:47 They don't sit down.
07:48 They don't ever shut up.
07:50 And somebody needs to hose down Mr. Cool and Little Miss
07:54 Jalapeno Pepper.
07:55 [LAUGHTER]
07:57 Besides, say, you said this job was
07:59 going to be about teaching music.
08:01 They got me teaching art and drama.
08:04 Oh, yeah.
08:05 [LAUGHTER]
08:09 Say, what you mean, "oh, yeah"?
08:12 Is this a "oh, yeah," like you knew this was going down?
08:16 "Oh, yeah," or is this a "oh, yeah," like you didn't know?
08:20 [LAUGHTER]
08:21 Look, I'm just trying to help you out, Steve.
08:23 The showbiz thing is played out.
08:25 All the hot tops work at the post office.
08:27 Them chicks, they regular.
08:29 [LAUGHTER]
08:30 And another thing, what is with that principal?
08:33 Treating me like I'm Latoya at a family reunion.
08:36 [LAUGHTER]
08:40 What did I ever do to her, man?
08:41 This is a mistake.
08:42 I can feel it.
08:43 This is all wrong.
08:45 Hold on now.
08:46 I'm going to tell you how to handle this situation.
08:50 You packing, right?
08:50 [LAUGHTER]
08:52 What?
08:53 Are you crazy?
08:54 You know I'm not packing.
08:55 [LAUGHTER]
08:57 I'm just playing with you, man.
08:59 [LAUGHTER]
09:01 Now, you just got to go in there and let
09:03 them know who's in charge.
09:04 If one of them mess with you, you take a few
09:06 and you kick them out.
09:09 Hey, all except for the big ass she went in the corner.
09:13 He done done some time.
09:14 [LAUGHTER]
09:16 You got a job.
09:17 If you can't remember my birthday,
09:19 all that stuff I gave you, I want it all back.
09:21 Fine.
09:21 What about my pants?
09:22 Fine.
09:23 You can have the pants because they give me a wedgie anyway.
09:25 All right?
09:26 [LAUGHTER]
09:27 You own your own money.
09:28 I got a TV dinner cooking in the sauna.
09:30 [LAUGHTER]
09:31 All right, hold it right there, Fabio.
09:33 It's Romeo.
09:35 I don't care if it's B-I-N-G-O.
09:37 [LAUGHTER]
09:39 What's going on here?
09:40 OK.
09:41 I got it.
09:41 I got it.
09:41 I know what's going down.
09:43 OK.
09:45 Ask me that question again.
09:46 [LAUGHTER]
09:47 I'll volunteer my knowledge of the situation, Mr. Hightower.
09:51 See, today is Sophia's birthday.
09:53 So she said, Romeo, you forgot my birthday.
09:55 And he said, no, I didn't.
09:56 And she said, yes, you did.
09:58 And then he tried to give her those tired puppy dog eyes,
10:00 and I thought she was going for it.
10:01 But then she changed up and stuck her teeth like this.
10:04 And then you knew it was over because after that--
10:06 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:08 Why don't you slow down before you
10:09 blow a lip and hurt somebody?
10:11 [LAUGHTER]
10:13 OK, you two, out.
10:16 You're kicking me out of my birthday?
10:18 Oh, I'm sorry.
10:19 (SINGING) Happy birthday to you.
10:22 Happy birthday to you.
10:24 [LAUGHTER]
10:27 Well, I guess I'll just go away.
10:28 I'm going to appreciate it.
10:29 You know, like the girl's shower.
10:31 Because I'm the man, Black, can't nobody--
10:32 [LAUGHTER]
10:35 What am I doing wrong here?
10:37 When Sidney Poitier had this gig,
10:40 all the little white kids held hands and sang him a song.
10:43 [LAUGHTER]
10:46 [MUSIC PLAYING]
10:50 [MUSIC STOPS]
10:52 OK, now that last note was a B flat.
10:55 How do you know?
10:56 [LAUGHTER]
10:58 Because I'm a professional musician.
11:01 I keep telling you people, I was large.
11:03 I was almost one of the Commodores.
11:06 Who?
11:06 [LAUGHTER]
11:08 The Commodores.
11:09 Remember that sound?
11:10 Ah.
11:11 [LAUGHTER]
11:16 They stole that from me.
11:19 Mr. Hightower, could I see you out in the hall, please?
11:22 Well, what happened?
11:23 Need somebody to cook the school lunch?
11:25 [LAUGHTER]
11:27 The principal comes down here, she is serious.
11:29 But you know what you do?
11:30 You just tell her that your parents split up
11:32 and that you really miss your dad,
11:33 and then bite your lower lip, and then look up.
11:35 Works like a charm.
11:35 [LAUGHTER]
11:39 [LAUGHTER]
11:43 Mr. Hightower, I believe these are your students.
11:46 Yeah, they look pretty familiar.
11:49 Children, go inside and sit down.
11:52 Miss Grier, I'm sorry about acting up.
11:55 My parents just split up, and I've
11:56 been really missing my dad.
11:57 [LAUGHTER]
12:01 Romeo, we all go through difficulties in life.
12:03 But instead of acting them out, we need to face them.
12:06 Do you understand?
12:08 Yeah, I think so.
12:09 Thanks. - You're welcome.
12:10 Now go back to class.
12:13 [LAUGHTER]
12:18 Now, Mr. Hightower, I don't know where you got the idea
12:21 that you could simply kick students out of a classroom
12:23 simply because you're not inclined to deal with them.
12:27 Do I smell a hungry man dinner?
12:29 [LAUGHTER]
12:35 Nah, that was just a hungry man.
12:36 [LAUGHTER]
12:38 Well, look, may I remind you of the magnitude of responsibility
12:41 you've taken on?
12:42 Now, you're not the cool man on campus
12:43 like you were in high school, Mr. Hightower.
12:46 High school?
12:48 Look, Mr. Hightower, in the future,
12:50 will you please use better judgment?
12:51 [LAUGHTER]
12:56 Hey, man, I know she kind of strict,
13:01 but she sure got some gravy on that biscuit, don't you?
13:03 [LAUGHTER]
13:04 I'll tell you something.
13:06 I don't even know why you're wasting your time dealing
13:08 with this side situation.
13:10 I can't even relate to those kids.
13:12 They teenagers.
13:13 No one can relate to them.
13:14 [LAUGHTER]
13:16 Look, Steve, you have a lot to offer these kids.
13:19 Give it a chance.
13:19 It's your first day.
13:21 No, see, that's where you're wrong.
13:23 It's my last day.
13:25 Oh, so it's like that?
13:27 I put my butt on the line to get you a job,
13:29 now you're going to quit like a chump?
13:31 Hey, hey, hey, you ain't got to go there, because I ain't a chump.
13:34 I just want a little bit more out of life.
13:36 I know what you want out of life.
13:37 You want everything handed to you.
13:39 Sad thing is, you wouldn't know a good thing
13:41 if it knocked you on your butt and left a card.
13:43 [LAUGHTER]
13:44 [MUSIC PLAYING]
13:47 [THUD]
13:49 Everybody settle down.
13:51 Sophia, give Romeo back his clothes.
13:54 Fine.
13:55 I'm tired of looking at that skinny Jodeci chest anyway.
13:58 [LAUGHTER]
14:00 Romeo, put your clothes back on.
14:01 I don't need these clothes.
14:03 It's autumn in Chicago.
14:04 You need those clothes and a fat woman to lay next to.
14:07 [LAUGHTER]
14:09 Well, I said I'm not putting them on.
14:11 OK, you come with me.
14:14 The rest of you, no gum chewing, no talking.
14:18 And if anything wet slaps me on the back of the neck, it's on.
14:22 [LAUGHTER]
14:24 Romeo, what's with all this drama?
14:30 Why don't you just get this girl a gift so we can move on?
14:33 I had the money for a gift, and I spent it.
14:36 All right?
14:37 [BELL RINGING]
14:38 Nice knowing you, shaft.
14:39 [LAUGHTER]
14:42 [DOORBELL RINGING]
14:44 [DOOR CLOSING]
14:45 Signed it so I could transfer out.
14:47 I can't be in the same class as Romeo.
14:49 I gave him the best years of my life,
14:50 and he didn't even remember my birthday.
14:52 I could have been with a senior.
14:53 [LAUGHTER]
14:56 Hey, don't you have some little, like, homie girlfriends
14:59 you can kind of talk this over with?
15:00 [LAUGHTER]
15:01 Do you know what I have to put up with?
15:03 I laugh at his jokes.
15:05 I eat his mother's nasty old gumbo.
15:07 [LAUGHTER]
15:09 You know, Sophia, I know you probably think it's the end
15:11 of the world right now.
15:13 But if you look at it, all of this
15:14 really could be for the best.
15:17 Forget it.
15:19 [MUSIC PLAYING]
15:22 [BELL RINGING]
15:24 [MUSIC PLAYING]
15:26 Uh, the bell just rang.
15:30 Shouldn't you be in class?
15:31 Man, I didn't have told you.
15:33 I gots to make an entrance.
15:35 Oh, that's right.
15:36 You're Romeo.
15:38 Right.
15:40 Hey, I, uh, talked to Sophia.
15:44 You know, she, uh, seemed pretty upset.
15:46 Man, why you sweating me?
15:47 I'll get her something next week.
15:49 Next week?
15:51 You can't use that excuse until you're married.
15:54 I spent the money, all right?
15:56 After all that stuff she bought you,
15:57 that seems pretty selfish to me.
15:59 They was going to cut the lights off, man.
16:02 You paid electricity bill?
16:03 That's right.
16:04 Sometimes I got to chip in.
16:06 Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
16:08 I mean, why don't you just explain that to her?
16:10 I'm pretty sure she'll understand.
16:12 Man, I'm Romeo.
16:13 I can't tell her that.
16:14 I'm supposed to be the man.
16:15 You think I want the whole school
16:17 to know my family can't afford to pay the light bill?
16:19 Come on, now.
16:21 Hey, Romeo, if you paid the light bill, then you are the man.
16:25 Doesn't always have to be about money, now does it?
16:28 I mean, some of the best gifts are the ones from the heart.
16:32 So you been there, too?
16:34 I'm there now.
16:35 I mean, what do you think I'm doing here?
16:41 See, what you got to do, Romeo, is you got to take
16:43 advantage of all your skills.
16:45 You know, like, can you sing?
16:48 Nah.
16:49 Can you play an instrument?
16:50 Nah.
16:51 Can you read or recognize shapes and colors?
16:56 Yeah, man, I can read.
16:58 Then that's good, because I'm going to hook you up.
17:01 Well, all right.
17:02 We'll work on shapes and colors some other time.
17:04 This better be good, Romeo.
17:11 You pull me out the drill team, and today they
17:13 were picking the girls to carry the banners.
17:15 And they get to wear the boots with the little poofy things
17:17 in the front?
17:18 I want those poofy things.
17:20 But, sure, well, I'm just telling you.
17:22 All right.
17:24 What's he doing here?
17:26 How you doing?
17:28 Hit it, Mr. Hot Towel.
17:29 [MUSIC - "THE BEST THING EVER"]
17:35 My sherry of moon, we got a thing going on.
17:41 You're the sunshine of my life, and you're a brick house.
17:47 Could it be we've fallen in love,
17:49 because you're every woman?
17:52 Ow.
17:52 Happy birthday, sweetheart.
17:57 Thank you.
17:59 Hey, I gots to give you your props, Mr. Hot Towel.
18:01 Good looking out, man.
18:03 And you wanted to say she reminds you of your jeep.
18:06 Oh, ain't that sweet?
18:14 Boy, them two hotter than a VCR in a crack house.
18:17 Look, Steve, about what I said earlier.
18:25 Ain't said look, man.
18:27 You don't have to apologize.
18:28 Oh, I wasn't coming to apologize.
18:31 I just wanted to say you're still my best friend,
18:33 even if you were acting a fool.
18:35 Yeah.
18:36 I guess I was complaining some.
18:39 A lot.
18:40 That's what I said.
18:41 No, you said some.
18:42 It was a lot.
18:43 A lot.
18:44 A lot.
18:46 You know, Sid, maybe this whole thing, man,
18:48 wasn't quite as bad as I was making it out to be.
18:51 At least this way it'll give me a good idea
18:53 of what to expect tomorrow.
18:55 Tomorrow?
18:56 All right.
18:57 It's cause for celebration.
18:59 Let's go down to Harold's Chicken.
19:02 They already got a special on day old wings.
19:06 Hey, what time you got?
19:07 It's almost 430.
19:08 Why?
19:09 I got something I got to do.
19:12 Oh, man, that reminds me.
19:13 I left the basketball team running laps.
19:15 You're five minutes late.
19:23 What can I say?
19:25 Spank me.
19:26 Do you have a contract?
19:30 Mm-hmm.
19:32 Still taking up half a sheet of paper just to sign your name.
19:36 OK.
19:39 Who the hell are you?
19:41 Cause you're starting to scare me now.
19:44 Does the name Blubberbutt ring a bell to you?
19:48 Fat Alberta?
19:50 Cellulita?
19:53 Or perhaps you prefer the bride of rerun.
19:55 Piggy Griff?
20:01 I sweat Crisco Piggy Griff?
20:06 Girl, you done cleaned up since high school.
20:10 Well, go ahead, piggy.
20:13 I go by Regina now, OK?
20:16 Oh, Regina.
20:19 You know, kids can be so very, very cruel.
20:22 I can't believe they forced me to write all
20:24 them terrible songs about you.
20:25 Just-- really, just tore me up on the inside.
20:29 Well, you know what, Mr. Hightower?
20:30 It really doesn't matter now, because I
20:32 got you on the dotted line.
20:35 OK.
20:36 So this is payback.
20:38 Payback?
20:39 Oh, no, no, Mr. Hightower.
20:41 A few extra classes comes nowhere
20:42 near to paying you back for all of your renditions of,
20:46 ain't no neck bone like the one I got.
20:49 Where is the grub?
20:50 Oh, and then my personal favorite,
20:52 the first time ever I saw some ribs.
20:55 Yeah.
20:56 Yeah.
20:57 Yeah.
20:58 And as long as you naming them, you know,
21:00 you can't leave out my favorite.
21:02 I know you want my pig foot, but I refuse to let it go.
21:08 If I have to beg and plead for some poking beans, I don't--
21:12 [LAUGHTER]
21:14 Goodbye, Mr. Hightower.
21:17 Oh, and remember, from now on, I'm on top.
21:23 I'm cool with that.
21:24 [LAUGHTER]
21:25 [MUSIC PLAYING]
21:28 Hey, would you believe it that the principal is actually
21:32 Piggy Grier, some roly poly little girl
21:35 that I went to high school with?
21:38 Oh, yeah.
21:40 [LAUGHTER]
21:43 What you mean, "oh, yeah"?
21:46 [MUSIC PLAYING]
21:50 [MUSIC PLAYING]
21:53 [MUSIC PLAYING]
21:56 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:00 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:03 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:07 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:11 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:14 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:17 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:21 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:24 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:28 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:31 [MUSIC PLAYING]
22:35 [BLANK_AUDIO]