Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain (2011)

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Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain is a 2011 stand-up comedy documentary film, starring comedian Kevin Hart. It features Hart performing a stand-up special at the Nokia Theater at L.A. Live in Downtown Los Angeles, among other material. Taraji P. Henson and RuPaul appear, among others.

Transcript

00:00:00 [ Applause ]

00:00:09 [ Music ]

00:00:28 [ Silence ]

00:00:35 >> We're rolling.

00:00:38 >> Rolling what? What are we -- we're shooting this?

00:00:43 Dude, we just shot that? Why wouldn't you say action?

00:00:47 Leslie, Tim, why don't y'all got to say action?

00:00:50 I'm sitting there looking stupid. That's not the look I'm going for.

00:00:53 Come on, this is the start of my movie.

00:00:57 I'm laughing my pain in laughter. Laughing my pain.

00:00:59 [ Silence ]

00:01:06 Laughter and pain. That's what I'm going for.

00:01:09 That's why we're doing this shot.

00:01:11 Just start the movie.

00:01:13 [ Music ]

00:01:16 This tour has been unbelievable.

00:01:19 We're in 90 cities deep right now and each show has been a success.

00:01:23 We're now in our last city of Los Angeles.

00:01:26 Let's end it with a bang.

00:01:27 We're looking at 15,000 people tonight. Put smiles on those people's faces.

00:01:30 Give everybody the strength and ability to do what they do best and that's make people laugh.

00:01:34 Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:36 Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:38 Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:40 Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:42 I'm saying it one more time. Everybody want to be famous!

00:01:44 Nobody want to put the work in!

00:01:46 [ Applause ]

00:01:49 I've been on stages all over the world.

00:01:52 But a different stage prepared me for this moment.

00:01:55 Philadelphia.

00:01:57 Come home with me.

00:02:00 [ Music ]

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00:02:38 [ Music ]

00:02:41 Walk with me, see what I saw and live what I've already lived.

00:02:44 My life baby! We're in the streets.

00:02:46 Philadelphia. I told y'all it's real.

00:02:48 Y'all don't think it's real? I'm going to show you how real it was.

00:02:51 Harry, Dub, you didn't believe I was a thug? I'm about to show you.

00:02:54 Watch how much shit. Watch this.

00:02:56 Look over there. Watch these kids know me right now.

00:02:58 What up y'all? What up kids?

00:03:00 [ Laughter ]

00:03:02 Everybody know me. Just turn the camera back.

00:03:05 Everybody know me. I'm home.

00:03:07 Dude, I know everybody. Follow me.

00:03:09 Oh, that's my man, Charlie!

00:03:11 [ Laughter ]

00:03:13 So see this area here? See where it says Ontario Street?

00:03:16 This was like a big street for me.

00:03:18 When I was a kid, our school bus used to drop us off right here on this corner.

00:03:23 What up boy? I'm home man.

00:03:26 Hey, Jerry!

00:03:28 Jeremy.

00:03:30 Who?

00:03:32 Jeremy.

00:03:34 No, I didn't. I definitely said Jeremy.

00:03:36 I said Jeremy. He repping the block. That's what he doing.

00:03:39 He's on a cell phone.

00:03:41 No, no, no. He's repping it. Matter of fact, I'm about to rep this corner.

00:03:43 Move, because y'all are going to mess up my rep right now.

00:03:45 This is how you rep a corner hard in Philly.

00:03:47 [ Music ]

00:03:52 I was like 15. I was watching Eddie Murphy come out on stage.

00:03:56 And I remember the leather, the response to him being on stage and the crowd.

00:04:03 I remember seeing so many people laughing at this one person.

00:04:05 I said, I want that response. I want that attention. I want that love.

00:04:08 I want to make people laugh the way that this man made people laugh.

00:04:11 [ Music ]

00:04:13 My best friend right here.

00:04:16 Adam. This is Robbie.

00:04:18 When I say my days were spent with these guys on the basketball court.

00:04:22 Now y'all don't believe all the shit that I say about basketball.

00:04:25 That I used to be good. These are two men that can confirm it.

00:04:28 Adam, was I good or not?

00:04:30 No.

00:04:32 Robbie, was I good in basketball?

00:04:34 He was okay, but you wasn't better than me.

00:04:37 No, you used to swim good though.

00:04:39 Yeah, don't ever talk about I used to swim.

00:04:41 No, no, guys. I don't want to talk about that right now.

00:04:43 You used to swim at Marcus Halston.

00:04:45 I get that. I don't want to talk about that.

00:04:47 He was fast.

00:04:49 I don't want people to know that side. I'm talking about me playing basketball right now.

00:04:51 [ Music ]

00:04:53 You know, my swim team was so huge, they actually made a movie about it.

00:04:55 The movie Pride was based off of PDR, which was called the Philadelphia Department of Recreation.

00:05:01 My swim team, you know, young African American kids all from the inner city.

00:05:04 We got together and formed what I like to call something special.

00:05:08 [ Cheering ]

00:05:10 We made history back then.

00:05:12 Terrence Howard's character was actually based off of my swim coach, Jim Ellis.

00:05:16 It's a team. And so everybody gives up.

00:05:20 Their individual goals commits to one goal, and that's how we achieve.

00:05:27 If you had to say the type of swimmer that I was, what would you say, Terrence, as a coach?

00:05:32 What effort did I put forth in swimming?

00:05:34 You put 100% effort out. You put 100% effort out.

00:05:37 Get the fuck out of here.

00:05:39 [ Laughter ]

00:05:41 I used to run Thursday nights at the Laugh House, which was pretty much a standard show,

00:05:45 but I always allowed for open opportunities for new comics.

00:05:48 So later that night, this little short guy walks up to me.

00:05:51 He's like, "Yeah, Kevin Buck sent me."

00:05:53 And I'm like, "All right, what do you want me to say?"

00:05:56 He introduced me as Little Kev the Bastard.

00:05:57 And I said, "That's what you want me to say? Like, that's the name you want me to use?"

00:06:01 He's like, "Yeah, yeah."

00:06:03 His open mic night was basically amateur night, where they held competitions.

00:06:05 He wanted like six weeks straight, just with his energy, with his ambition, with his aggression,

00:06:10 and just coming in there week to week for a young comic with new material like Kev did.

00:06:15 It was something to see.

00:06:17 [ Music ]

00:06:20 That's where I started doing comedy.

00:06:23 The world famous Laugh House Comedy Club in Philadelphia, PA.

00:06:26 That's me at the age, that's 2002.

00:06:31 I feel like there should be a bigger wall here with my face on it now.

00:06:35 So if I can have a wall built possibly here that people can have to walk around, maybe.

00:06:42 Back at the Laugh House in Philadelphia, I passed there from New York or whatever,

00:06:47 to see who was young on the scene, who was coming through.

00:06:51 And I seen little Kev, and I'm like, "Wow, this kid is pretty talented."

00:06:53 So I said, "Yeah, you're pretty good, man. You're pretty good. Come hang out with me, young fella.

00:06:58 I'm going to take you to New York."

00:07:00 You know, to understand how things work.

00:07:03 We had a lot of adventures driving from Philly to New York, night after night.

00:07:08 Seven days after week. Non-stop.

00:07:11 Back and forth, back and forth. Put a lot of miles on my sweet Ford Focus.

00:07:15 We left Philly at about 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

00:07:19 Sometimes we'd leave New York at about 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning, and drive back to Philly.

00:07:23 Keith Robinson was the guy that basically said, "Hey, you're funny, but you're not talking about nothing."

00:07:28 He said, "You're on stage and you're doing what you think people want to see, but you don't have any substance."

00:07:35 He said, "Who are you?"

00:07:37 Now I'll never forget that, when he asked me that. He said, "Who are you?

00:07:39 When people leave, do they know you?"

00:07:42 Start with what it is that you know about yourself. That's your strength.

00:07:47 Don't be afraid of the truth. If it happened, talk about it.

00:07:50 That is when he started to really piece together a great set, because he started bringing in his personal life,

00:07:56 and not being afraid to use it on stage.

00:07:59 People, this is where I used to live, right here. West Theory Avenue.

00:08:03 In here, it was just me, my brother, and my mom.

00:08:06 So my mom kind of made that space work for her, put us in this environment, and did what she could.

00:08:11 She made the best of our living situation.

00:08:13 She wanted me to stay away from the streets. She didn't want me in the streets.

00:08:16 So, I was kind of the guy with the mom. I was the mama's boy coming up.

00:08:19 My dad didn't live here with me. My dad was kicked out.

00:08:21 My mom kicked my dad out when I was like four, four, four and a half.

00:08:24 My dad was not allowed to go past that step right there.

00:08:28 Coming up in Philly, he had to be thick-skinned, because he's short.

00:08:31 And when you're short, and you know, target, he had to have quick response.

00:08:35 So a lot of his initial comedy was snaps and retorts, and coming back at people.

00:08:40 Right now, we're walking my block.

00:08:44 You know, this is the block that I used to walk, do, day in, day out.

00:08:47 I'm here to connect with the people. What up with you, pimp?

00:08:50 How you? Thank you, man. I appreciate you.

00:08:53 What's up, man? Bye, sweetie. Take it easy.

00:08:56 We're at my high school. That's right. This is where my education came from.

00:09:03 This is where the brains, this is where books and stuff was beating to my head.

00:09:07 This is why I'm the genius that I am today.

00:09:09 High school is where you become a man.

00:09:12 This is where I became a man. Talking first kits, I'm talking SATs, I'm talking basketball, I'm talking football tryouts.

00:09:20 You guys look at me and say, "Oh, Kevin probably didn't play any sports."

00:09:24 Well, you're wrong. All you gotta do is find my name.

00:09:27 Give me a second. Give me a second, because this is the showcase of champions.

00:09:31 Okay, I found it. Okay.

00:09:34 In the middle of those two, that's obviously where I was.

00:09:39 I was there until it fell. And somebody must have hit the glass and it came down.

00:09:42 Because I remember when they put it up.

00:09:44 Kev played four years of varsity basketball here at George Washington.

00:09:47 You already said? Four years. Four years.

00:09:49 He didn't say two, he didn't say one. That means ninth through twelfth.

00:09:53 And keep in mind, I grew. Right now, I'm 5'5". At the time, I was like 5'3".

00:09:57 I knock out five jump shots right now, Jones.

00:10:01 You hit one? I'll hit five in a row right now.

00:10:03 Hit me, Jones!

00:10:05 See that form right there, people?

00:10:08 Foul! Foul! That definitely was a foul.

00:10:10 Dave Vettel, great comedian, sees me perform one day.

00:10:14 He said, "I'm gonna have my guy call you."

00:10:16 The only person I knew to talk to about this was Keith Roberts.

00:10:18 I said, "Keith, Dave Vettel gave me his manager."

00:10:21 He said to call him. So Keith's like, "Who is he?"

00:10:23 I'm like, "Dave Becky." He said, "Oh, that's the real deal."

00:10:26 My job really was to get him to Dave Becky.

00:10:29 To polish him up a little bit.

00:10:31 He sent me a tape, and we get tons of tapes.

00:10:33 And I think, actually, the only client I've ever signed off of the tape, ever.

00:10:37 Years go by, like a year and a half goes by, he's my manager.

00:10:39 I'm getting better. Dave says, "Kevin, we got action.

00:10:42 You're getting offers to get a deal."

00:10:44 I'm like, "Well, what kind of offers?"

00:10:46 He said, "Okay, well, just don't think that this is bad.

00:10:49 It'll get better."

00:10:51 He says, "First offer came in from CBS for $125,000."

00:10:54 What?

00:10:56 What?

00:10:59 20? Whoa!

00:11:01 Take it!

00:11:03 No, no, no, you don't take that. That offer's shit.

00:11:06 What you mean that offer's shit?

00:11:07 I call you back. I call Keith.

00:11:09 Hey, man, I'm about to fire this guy.

00:11:11 He's about to turn down $125,000.

00:11:14 I don't have no fucking money, man.

00:11:16 I need that. I need that check tomorrow.

00:11:19 Keith's like, "Stupid. Let the man do his job."

00:11:22 Kevin has faith, and he listens.

00:11:24 And, you know, part of what I do is try to protect him and get what he's worth.

00:11:29 Nothing's gonna stop me.

00:11:30 There's only one place where you can go to get cheesesteaks.

00:11:32 Max's Cheesesteaks on Broadinary.

00:11:35 Nothing compares.

00:11:37 You know, I mean, you do that even if I quit.

00:11:39 Someone call me prodigy.

00:11:41 If you look for filthy, brother, but you know it's hot streets.

00:11:44 See, if you look for love, just take a look around.

00:11:47 You gotta pan around.

00:11:49 When you stay real, you stay genuine, you get a genuine reception back.

00:11:52 From there to out here to all on the glass, it's all genuine.

00:11:57 It's all genuine love, man.

00:11:58 That's why I love my city.

00:12:00 There is no place like Philadelphia.

00:12:02 Alright, everybody in. Who ordered cheesesteaks that's in here already?

00:12:04 Right here.

00:12:06 Alright, y'all, if you went in here right now, y'all cheesesteaks were on me.

00:12:08 I'm gonna leave enough to cover everybody in, y'all tip, okay?

00:12:11 Thank you very much.

00:12:13 Dude, this is me in my city, doing what I do.

00:12:16 Giving, loving, receiving, being who I am.

00:12:20 Shimmy.

00:12:23 [Music]

00:12:39 As a hard worker, he can go as far as he wants.

00:12:43 We're gonna make history.

00:12:45 I really admire Da Cat's work ethic.

00:12:48 'Cause Kev is really, really working hard.

00:12:52 Like, he works very hard.

00:12:53 His work ethic.

00:12:55 That work ethic means everything, and I really believe he has that.

00:12:58 It's hard to even put into words how surreal and how proud I am of him.

00:13:02 [Music]

00:13:09 This here, this here is my mom's sister.

00:13:12 As you all know, my mom passed away five years ago.

00:13:15 This is one of the important hats right here.

00:13:18 Willie Mae is what I call her.

00:13:21 For me coming back right now, honestly, it's to say thank you for the upbringing.

00:13:27 Like, that's why I come back and I say, "Hey, get everybody together for dinner.

00:13:31 Get everybody together to be around."

00:13:33 It's to literally say, "I owe y'all."

00:13:36 Like, I'm the man that I am today because of y'all.

00:13:40 And it's not even emotional, and I don't want to get too sentimental,

00:13:44 but without mom being here, this is it.

00:13:49 This is mom two, mom three, mom four, cousin.

00:13:53 And I don't see y'all, y'all don't understand.

00:13:55 I am where I am because of y'all, and that's me being honest.

00:14:01 Tenfold, hands over fist.

00:14:05 And I mean it.

00:14:07 [Laughter]

00:14:11 That's a good moment.

00:14:13 That's a lifetime moment right there.

00:14:16 When you hear the title, "Laughing My Pain," it's real.

00:14:18 It's not a joke, you know, it's serious.

00:14:20 And the jokes that you're about to hear come from a real place.

00:14:23 And in that real place, it was a hurt place, you know?

00:14:26 I'm just now at a point where I'm ready for people to see that side.

00:14:31 And I think they're going to enjoy that side when they see it.

00:14:34 [Music]

00:14:37 [Heartbeat]

00:14:50 [Music]

00:15:19 [Music]

00:15:30 I'll let y'all be better than that.

00:15:32 Make some fucking noise, LA.

00:15:34 [Music]

00:15:37 Yeah.

00:15:39 Cut it out. Cut it out.

00:15:41 Whoa!

00:15:43 [Cheering]

00:15:45 God damn, it look good in here.

00:15:48 It look fucking good.

00:15:49 Give yourselves another round of applause, man.

00:15:51 Y'all look fucking good.

00:15:53 [Cheering]

00:15:55 Now, before we get started, I feel like I got to be honest.

00:15:59 You know, I don't like to lie while I'm up here on stage.

00:16:01 Coming out to the big applause, y'all standing up.

00:16:04 A piece of me likes it. A small piece of me likes it.

00:16:06 Another piece of me doesn't.

00:16:08 I'm going to tell you why, okay?

00:16:10 Here's the thing. I feel like that's the type of shit that makes people go crazy.

00:16:12 That's how you lose your mind.

00:16:14 You come out, people standing up, girls calling your name.

00:16:17 Oh my God, no.

00:16:18 Kevin, oh my goodness, no.

00:16:22 I don't like that shit.

00:16:24 I'm afraid to go crazy, man.

00:16:26 That's why I humble myself.

00:16:28 I stay in my lane, people.

00:16:30 I stay in my financial lane.

00:16:32 Now, let me explain what I mean when I say this, okay?

00:16:34 Here's what I mean when I say financial lane.

00:16:36 Here's what happens. You start to make money.

00:16:38 When you make money, you meet other people to make money.

00:16:40 When you meet other people to make money, you want to hang out with these people.

00:16:42 But naturally, you want to spend money the way they spend money,

00:16:45 but then you realize that you don't make the same type of money

00:16:46 that these fucking people make, okay?

00:16:48 It's very true. That's why you got to stay in your lane, all right?

00:16:51 Certain people I don't hang out with.

00:16:53 Athletes, I don't hang out with athletes.

00:16:55 I used to. I stopped.

00:16:57 Let me tell you why I stopped.

00:16:59 Athletes don't respect money.

00:17:01 How do I know this? From experiences.

00:17:03 This is not a joke. This is a true story.

00:17:05 I'm in Vegas with an athlete friend of mine.

00:17:07 Keep in mind, he's doing a lot better than me in life, okay?

00:17:09 Naturally, I want to keep up with him.

00:17:11 So before we go out, he said, "Kev, don't worry about nothing.

00:17:14 I got you. Everything is on me."

00:17:15 I said, "Hey, bitch, I'm a man.

00:17:17 I'll pay for my fucking self."

00:17:19 Okay?

00:17:21 So we go out. He get a table.

00:17:23 I got a table.

00:17:25 He got bottles. I got bottles.

00:17:27 He had bitches come to the table.

00:17:29 I didn't have no bitches. I had my aunt.

00:17:31 My aunt was with me.

00:17:33 I'm not going to call my aunt no bitch.

00:17:35 I love her too much.

00:17:37 But regardless, we having a good time, okay?

00:17:39 Now, I'm not going to lie. I got the bill.

00:17:41 I didn't like it.

00:17:43 You pay the bill so high, you try to put it in the light

00:17:44 like it's going to change.

00:17:46 Hold up. Wait a minute. Hold on.

00:17:48 Okay.

00:17:50 But I said, "I can't bitch about the bill.

00:17:52 The reason why I can't bitch about the bill

00:17:54 is because he didn't bitch about the bill."

00:17:56 So I said, "You know what?" I started talking to myself.

00:17:58 I said, "Kev, just pay the bill. Pay it."

00:18:00 So that's what I did. I paid the bill.

00:18:02 I go to my room. I go to sleep.

00:18:04 Here's why I don't mess with athletes.

00:18:06 Next morning, I wake up.

00:18:08 My boy that I was with, he called me.

00:18:10 He said, "Kev, yo, last night was crazy, wasn't it?"

00:18:12 I said, "No, I'm not going to do shit again tonight."

00:18:13 I said, "I'm not going to do it.

00:18:15 I can't do it two nights in a row

00:18:17 because the way that my bank account is set up."

00:18:20 You ever start explaining your financial situation

00:18:25 for no reason at all?

00:18:27 I said I would, but the way my bank account is set up,

00:18:29 the thing is I got a check-in and the savings,

00:18:31 but all the money is in my savings.

00:18:33 So I got to switch it to my check-in,

00:18:35 but it's going to take three business days.

00:18:37 I don't think it's going to go through.

00:18:39 I don't think it's going to go through.

00:18:41 I don't think it's going to go through.

00:18:42 Athletes will mess your life up, man.

00:18:44 They will.

00:18:46 I'm telling you, I know this from experience, okay?

00:18:48 Dwayne Wade, that's a good friend of mine.

00:18:50 I love Dwayne to death.

00:18:52 Here's the thing, I can't hang out with Dwayne no more.

00:18:54 I'll tell you why.

00:18:56 Dwayne tried to fuck my life up.

00:18:58 He did.

00:19:00 Dwayne tried to make me buy a boat.

00:19:02 I don't even have a fucking house.

00:19:04 I said, "Hey, man, I don't think this is a good investment."

00:19:06 He said, "Stop being a bitch.

00:19:08 You got it.

00:19:10 Here's the thing, the way my bank account is set up,

00:19:11 the thing is, I got a check-in in the savings,

00:19:14 but all the money is in my savings,

00:19:16 so I got to switch it.

00:19:18 It's going to take too long.

00:19:20 The boat might not be there when I get back."

00:19:22 You can't hang out with everybody.

00:19:24 I'll be honest, another problem of mine,

00:19:26 I got too many financial fears.

00:19:28 I get scared fast.

00:19:30 I'll tell you my biggest fear when it comes to finances.

00:19:32 My biggest fear is my credit card getting declined

00:19:35 in front of people.

00:19:37 I'm going to tell you why.

00:19:39 It's not that I'm scared of my card getting declined.

00:19:40 I just don't like it when you announce it.

00:19:42 Like, "Bitch, tell me it's my card.

00:19:45 Don't put it on the show.

00:19:47 Don't come out like, 'Mr. Hart, uh-uh, didn't go through.

00:19:50 I tried it three times.

00:19:52 I even wiped it on my pants.

00:19:54 Bitch, give me the card.

00:19:56 Don't say all that.

00:19:58 They don't need to know what you tried to do

00:20:00 to make it happen.

00:20:02 Give me the goddamn card,

00:20:04 or I'll punch you in the fucking throat, lady.

00:20:06 I'm not going to do this.

00:20:08 I'm not going to be here

00:20:09 because I thought my card wasn't going to go through,

00:20:11 so I cut the waitress off before she even said anything.

00:20:13 Mr. Hart, ah!

00:20:15 Come here. Let me talk to you.

00:20:17 No, come on inside.

00:20:19 Let me tell you something.

00:20:21 Listen, the way my bank account is set up,

00:20:23 the thing is, I got a check-in and a savings,

00:20:25 but all the money is in my savings,

00:20:27 so I don't think it's going to go through.

00:20:29 Just give me a second.

00:20:31 You can't hang with everybody, man.

00:20:33 Like, right now, we star-studded tonight.

00:20:35 Celebrities all over the place.

00:20:37 You can't hang with celebrities no more.

00:20:38 I'm going to be honest with you.

00:20:40 Celebrities will mess up your life, too.

00:20:42 Celebrities give you reality checks.

00:20:44 How do I know this?

00:20:46 From experience, people.

00:20:48 Mekhi Pfeiffer, another good friend of mine.

00:20:50 I love Mekhi to death, okay?

00:20:52 This is when I knew I wasn't making real money.

00:20:54 Mekhi calls me.

00:20:56 He says, "Yo, Kev, hey,

00:20:58 my son's birthday party is Saturday.

00:21:00 Your daughter the same age.

00:21:02 I want you to come to the party."

00:21:04 I said, "Okay, well, where's the party at?"

00:21:06 He said, "I don't see nobody else at the park."

00:21:07 [laughter]

00:21:10 I said, "Hey, uh,

00:21:12 I thought you said that it was a birthday party.

00:21:16 I don't see nobody else at the park.

00:21:18 What's going on?"

00:21:20 He said, "No, no, dude, here's the thing.

00:21:22 It's just us.

00:21:24 I bought the park out for like eight hours.

00:21:26 We got it to ourselves."

00:21:28 [laughter]

00:21:30 I said, "Wait a minute.

00:21:32 Okay, what the fuck you mean

00:21:35 you bought it for eight hours?"

00:21:36 He said, "It's just us.

00:21:38 We can do what we want."

00:21:40 I said, "Okay, uh, real quick before I go in.

00:21:42 Did you pay for this already

00:21:44 or are you looking for help?"

00:21:46 Because I'm not in a position where I can help you

00:21:48 because the way that my bank account is set up,

00:21:50 the thing is I got to check into the savings,

00:21:52 but all my money is in the savings.

00:21:54 I don't think my card is going to go through

00:21:56 unless you got jeans on because you got to wipe it off."

00:21:58 [laughter]

00:22:00 You can't hang with everybody, man.

00:22:02 Stay in your lane.

00:22:04 Now, I'm not going to lie.

00:22:05 We went in the park.

00:22:07 I ain't going to lie to you.

00:22:09 Me and my daughter, we had a great time.

00:22:11 We got on rides five, six times in a row.

00:22:13 Now, there was a point in time when we was in the park

00:22:15 where I lost my daughter.

00:22:17 I didn't know where she was,

00:22:19 but I didn't panic when I lost her.

00:22:21 The reason why is because we were the only ones in the park.

00:22:23 I knew eventually I would run into her again,

00:22:25 so I took that time to get on rides

00:22:27 that she couldn't get on because she's only five,

00:22:29 so she can't do everything.

00:22:31 When I saw her, she was crying.

00:22:33 I said, "It's not your birthday.

00:22:34 Today's not about you.

00:22:36 Stop bitching.

00:22:38 Let's get on some more rides.

00:22:40 Let's go."

00:22:42 We got on some more rides.

00:22:44 We had a good time.

00:22:46 We left.

00:22:48 I said, "Baby, did you have a good time?"

00:22:50 She said, "Dad, I had so much fun."

00:22:52 I said, "Good.

00:22:54 I had fun, too."

00:22:56 Now, here's where reality hit.

00:22:58 Let's fast forward three months later.

00:23:00 Three months later, it's my daughter's birthday.

00:23:02 I had to go above and beyond.

00:23:03 I really did.

00:23:05 I had SpongeBob there, which is a big deal.

00:23:07 I had a pony.

00:23:09 Kids could get on the pony,

00:23:11 walk around the yard one time, and get off.

00:23:13 I had a bouncer.

00:23:15 Kids get in the bouncer, jump around.

00:23:17 Shit was nice.

00:23:19 It was going good.

00:23:21 Here's where I got bad.

00:23:23 Me and SpongeBob got into it.

00:23:25 I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off

00:23:27 and he was smoking cigarettes in front of the kids.

00:23:29 I was like, "SpongeBob, don't take your helmet off.

00:23:31 You're smoking cigarettes in front of the kids."

00:23:32 My kids think that you're really SpongeBob.

00:23:34 SpongeBob on TV don't take his face off

00:23:36 and show a black-ass face underneath it

00:23:38 and start smoking fucking cigarettes.

00:23:40 Do what the hell makes you think that you can.

00:23:42 Now, when I get mad, I get physical.

00:23:44 I get hype.

00:23:46 I said, "Put the motherfucking helmet on

00:23:48 and put the goddamn cigarettes up, man.

00:23:50 You'll be smoking those cigarettes out here

00:23:52 in front of the fucking kids.

00:23:54 Put the goddamn helmet on and put the fucking cigarettes up

00:23:56 before shit get real out here."

00:23:58 I was going off.

00:24:00 I said, "Nobody told me that SpongeBob was fresh out.

00:24:01 This nigga was fresh out of jail."

00:24:03 Here's how I found out.

00:24:05 He snapped on me.

00:24:07 He said, "Hey, man, shut the fuck up.

00:24:09 Fuck you and these ugly-ass kids."

00:24:11 I said, "Well, goddamn."

00:24:13 He said, "I just got out of jail for aggravated assault.

00:24:15 I'm here to get a check.

00:24:17 Once I get my check, I'm out.

00:24:19 I'm going to fuck about these kids.

00:24:21 I'm such a bitch."

00:24:23 When I heard jail, my whole attitude changed.

00:24:25 As soon as I heard jail, this is what I said.

00:24:27 I said, "No, you're not allowed to do that.

00:24:29 No, you're not listening.

00:24:30 No, I'm not saying that you can't smoke.

00:24:32 You can smoke.

00:24:34 I'm saying just don't blow it in they face.

00:24:36 That's what I'm saying.

00:24:38 Blow it up.

00:24:40 Give them a chance to not have cancer is what I'm saying.

00:24:42 I get it.

00:24:44 You're stressed out.

00:24:46 You want to smoke.

00:24:48 Shit, give me one.

00:24:50 I'll smoke with you.

00:24:52 I don't give a fuck about these kids.

00:24:54 I'm so scared of SpongeBob."

00:24:56 You know why?

00:24:58 Because you want to see the character

00:24:59 to be at a kid's birthday party.

00:25:01 You want to see that character be that character.

00:25:03 If I get Barney to be at my kid's party,

00:25:05 I want to see Barney do some Barney shit.

00:25:07 Slide around.

00:25:09 Hug the kids.

00:25:11 Sing a song.

00:25:13 Do the faces.

00:25:15 Make it look real.

00:25:17 If I get Spider-Man, do some Spider-Man shit.

00:25:19 Jump down the steps.

00:25:21 Do the shit my son faced.

00:25:23 Don't let the guy come out.

00:25:25 Just scare the shit out of him.

00:25:27 SpongeBob didn't do shit.

00:25:28 Let me show you how SpongeBob was playing with the kids.

00:25:30 I look out the backyard window.

00:25:32 I just want to check on the kids.

00:25:34 I make sure everything's okay.

00:25:36 I swear to you I cannot make this up.

00:25:38 This is how SpongeBob was running after the kids.

00:25:40 This is all I saw.

00:25:42 "Go, little bitch.

00:25:44 Go, little bitch.

00:25:46 Go.

00:25:48 Hey, bitch, you better bitch run."

00:25:50 He was calling the kids bitches.

00:25:52 Come on, SpongeBob.

00:25:54 He wasn't playing none of the games right.

00:25:56 He was calling the kids.

00:25:57 He never said goose.

00:25:59 He never said the word goose.

00:26:01 "Duck.

00:26:03 Duck.

00:26:05 Duck.

00:26:07 Nigga, go."

00:26:09 This little white boy was like, "No, no.

00:26:11 I'm not going to do it.

00:26:13 I'm not going to run.

00:26:15 No, no, because if I run, everybody's going to look at me like I said it, and I didn't

00:26:17 say it.

00:26:19 I'm not going to take responsibility.

00:26:21 No, I didn't say it."

00:26:23 That party was bad.

00:26:25 I don't recommend anybody ever get a bouncer at a kid's birthday party.

00:26:28 I'm going to tell you why.

00:26:30 Me, personally, I don't think it's safe.

00:26:32 I really don't.

00:26:34 The reason why, here's why I don't think it's safe.

00:26:36 If a kid falls in a bouncer, no other kid gives a shit.

00:26:38 Nothing stops.

00:26:40 Kids don't care.

00:26:42 Literally, this little girl fell in the bouncer.

00:26:44 I swear to y'all, I saw every boy in there step on this girl's face.

00:26:46 You know when kids be hype on that cake, they was like, "Ah, ah, ah."

00:26:48 This little boy was like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah."

00:26:50 The little girl started crying.

00:26:52 She's like, "No.

00:26:54 No, no, no."

00:26:55 But she was looking right at me.

00:26:57 I said, "You better roll out.

00:26:59 Roll out.

00:27:01 I'm the same size as you.

00:27:03 I'm not getting in there.

00:27:05 I'm going to get exactly what you got.

00:27:07 I got little legs.

00:27:09 I can't walk in that shit.

00:27:11 You ever try to walk in a bouncer?

00:27:13 Hey, hey, hey.

00:27:15 Hey, let the motherfucker jump again.

00:27:17 I swear to God.

00:27:19 If I fall, I'm going to punch a kid in the face.

00:27:21 You look like Bambi walking in that shit."

00:27:23 Party was bad, man.

00:27:24 I felt bad.

00:27:26 I said, "I messed up my daughter's day."

00:27:28 She just turned five.

00:27:30 That's a big birthday for kids.

00:27:32 Now, why did I feel bad?

00:27:34 I got in an argument with SpongeBob in front of her friends.

00:27:36 Little girl got carried out in an ambulance.

00:27:38 Footprints and shit were on her face.

00:27:40 I said, "You know what?

00:27:42 I got to do something nice.

00:27:44 I got to make it up to her."

00:27:46 I said, "You know what I'm going to do?

00:27:48 I'm going to give my baby a puppy."

00:27:50 My baby was asking me for a puppy for the longest time.

00:27:52 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:27:53 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:27:55 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:27:57 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:27:59 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:01 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:03 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:05 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:07 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:09 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:11 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:13 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:15 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:17 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:19 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:21 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:22 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:24 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:26 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:28 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:30 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:32 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:34 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:36 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:38 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:40 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:42 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:44 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:46 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:48 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:50 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:51 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:53 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:55 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:57 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:28:59 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:01 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:03 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:05 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:07 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:09 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:11 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:13 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:15 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:17 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:19 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:20 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:22 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:24 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:26 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:28 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:30 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:32 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:34 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:36 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:38 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:40 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:42 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:44 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:46 I didn't want to give her a puppy.

00:29:48 I'm not talking about the soft stuff.

00:29:49 I'm talking about cocaine.

00:29:51 That's right.

00:29:53 Smack, Booker Sugar, White Girl.

00:29:55 Got tons of names for it.

00:29:57 Now when you first hear it, you're like, "What?

00:29:59 Your dad was on drugs?

00:30:01 That's crazy.

00:30:03 It's not that bad."

00:30:05 I'm going to tell you why.

00:30:07 There's pros and cons to growing up with a coke head.

00:30:09 One of the pros is there's no such thing as a bad idea

00:30:11 to a coke head.

00:30:13 Everything is a shit.

00:30:15 That's why coke heads always dance.

00:30:17 All coke heads hula hoop.

00:30:18 I don't know why.

00:30:20 Now one of the cons,

00:30:23 one of the cons is

00:30:25 when you get high, you do dumb shit.

00:30:27 I'm going to tell you why I'm afraid of dogs.

00:30:29 My dad, when I was a kid, just like my daughter,

00:30:31 I wanted a puppy.

00:30:33 My dad never got me a puppy.

00:30:35 One day my dad got high as shit.

00:30:37 He came home.

00:30:39 He said, "Look boy, you've been asking me about this damn puppy.

00:30:41 I went out.

00:30:43 I bought you a puppy.

00:30:46 I'm going to put it in the shed.

00:30:47 I'm going to put it in the shed."

00:30:49 I'm walking back and forth.

00:30:51 This nigga stole a police dog.

00:30:53 I know it was a police dog because he had K9 on his vest.

00:30:55 I saw it.

00:30:57 At least take the vest off the dog, dad.

00:30:59 The dog is still on god damn duty.

00:31:01 He didn't even let the dog finish the job.

00:31:03 Drugs make you do dumb shit, man.

00:31:05 Stupidest thing my dad ever did when he was on drugs.

00:31:07 When I was a kid,

00:31:09 I remember my dad came to parent-teacher conference.

00:31:11 That's when you go to your kid's school,

00:31:13 talk to your teacher,

00:31:15 put your pants on with no drawers.

00:31:16 This nigga's dick was all over the place.

00:31:18 Okay?

00:31:20 Listen, I cannot make this up.

00:31:22 Let me show you how my dad walked into my school.

00:31:24 This is all I saw.

00:31:26 "Hey!"

00:31:28 [audience laughing]

00:31:36 Every time he stopped, his dick kept moving.

00:31:38 "Excuse me!"

00:31:40 [audience laughing]

00:31:44 I can hear little girls like, "Eww!"

00:31:46 [audience laughing]

00:31:48 "Eww!"

00:31:50 My dad got mad.

00:31:52 "What the fuck is you yelling about?

00:31:54 "You ain't never seen nobody with a long dick?"

00:31:56 "Hey, dad, don't say that."

00:31:58 "You're gonna learn today.

00:32:00 "You're gonna learn what a long dick looks like today."

00:32:02 "No, dad.

00:32:04 "She don't need to learn that.

00:32:06 "Please."

00:32:08 [audience laughing]

00:32:10 My dad was crazy.

00:32:13 See, my dad was mad at me 'cause I wasn't an athlete.

00:32:14 I didn't play sports.

00:32:16 I was into weird shit like spelling bees, debate.

00:32:19 Now, here's the thing.

00:32:21 My dad would show up at my events and treat 'em as if they were athletic events.

00:32:24 First of all, you can't cheer for no kid at a spelling bee.

00:32:27 It's a spelling bee. It's quiet.

00:32:29 I'm focused.

00:32:31 I'm in the middle of spelling a very difficult word.

00:32:33 My dad shows up late, busts through the back door,

00:32:35 high as hell, making co-cad noises, all right?

00:32:37 Once again, I cannot make this up, all right?

00:32:39 This is all I heard.

00:32:42 Out of nowhere, all I heard was, "All right, all right, all right."

00:32:44 [audience laughing]

00:32:46 "Yeah!

00:32:48 "My son's spelling the shit out of these motherfucking words.

00:32:51 "In your face, bitch! In your face!

00:32:54 "All right, all right, all right."

00:32:57 [audience laughing]

00:32:59 Shit that made me laugh the most,

00:33:01 you see how y'all sitting next to people?

00:33:03 I told you my dad never wore drawers, ever.

00:33:05 This is my dad getting to his seat.

00:33:07 This is all I saw.

00:33:09 "Excuse me.

00:33:11 [audience laughing]

00:33:12 [heartbeat]

00:33:14 [audience laughing]

00:33:16 I can hear people like, "Oh, God, Jesus.

00:33:18 "Uh.

00:33:20 "What is it?"

00:33:22 I don't know. I don't know what it is.

00:33:24 Whatever it is, it's loose. It's all over the place.

00:33:26 It's gotta be a penis.

00:33:28 I don't know what else it could be.

00:33:30 My dad got mad.

00:33:32 "That ain't no penis. That's a long dick."

00:33:34 "Hey, Dad, don't say that."

00:33:36 "All right, all right, all right.

00:33:38 "You're gonna learn today.

00:33:40 "You're gonna learn what a long dick look like today.

00:33:42 "Hey, son, let me hear you spell 'long dick.'"

00:33:45 "No, Dad, I can't.

00:33:47 "It's against the rules."

00:33:49 "L-O, dick."

00:33:51 "No, Dad."

00:33:53 "All right, all right, all right."

00:33:55 This nigga had his dog with him.

00:33:57 [dog barking]

00:33:59 "No, Dad, the dog is on drugs, too.

00:34:01 "Dad, please."

00:34:03 My goal is at the end of this show

00:34:05 is to have all y'all saying that shit

00:34:07 for no reason at all.

00:34:09 No reason at all.

00:34:10 Next time your lady say something to you,

00:34:12 just cut her off. It don't matter what she say.

00:34:14 "Hey, babe, shut up, bitch."

00:34:16 "All right, all right, all right.

00:34:18 "I'm gonna make you suck on this long dick.

00:34:20 "You're gonna learn today.

00:34:22 "You're gonna learn today.

00:34:24 "All right, all right, all right."

00:34:28 You gotta do the walk when you do it.

00:34:30 Do the walk away.

00:34:32 "All right, all right, all right."

00:34:34 [laughing]

00:34:38 You gotta do the Bible here.

00:34:39 "All right, all right, all right.

00:34:41 "Shut up, bitch.

00:34:43 "You're gonna learn today."

00:34:45 My dad did a lot of stupid shit, man.

00:34:48 See, here's the thing.

00:34:50 I'm so happy that I was young

00:34:52 when my dad was on drugs.

00:34:54 Reason why I say that is because

00:34:56 when you're young, you're naive.

00:34:58 I didn't want to believe it.

00:35:00 Everybody else knew my dad was on drugs

00:35:02 except me. I didn't never want to fucking believe it.

00:35:04 People would tease me.

00:35:07 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:08 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:10 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:12 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:14 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:16 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:18 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:20 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:22 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:24 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:26 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:28 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:30 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:32 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:34 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:36 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:37 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:39 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:41 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:43 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:45 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:47 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:49 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:51 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:53 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:55 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:57 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:35:59 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:01 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:03 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:05 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:06 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:08 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:10 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:12 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:14 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:16 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:18 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:20 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:22 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:24 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:26 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:28 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:30 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:32 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:34 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:35 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:37 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:39 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:41 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:43 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:45 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:47 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:49 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:51 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:53 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:55 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:57 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:36:59 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:01 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:03 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:04 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:06 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:08 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:10 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:12 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:14 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:16 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:18 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:20 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:22 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:24 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:26 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:28 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:30 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:32 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:33 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:35 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:37 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:39 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:41 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:43 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:45 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:47 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:49 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:51 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:53 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:55 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:57 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:37:59 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:01 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:02 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:04 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:06 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:08 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:10 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:12 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:14 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:16 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:18 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:20 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:22 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:24 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:26 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:28 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:30 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:31 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:33 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:35 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:37 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:39 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:41 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:43 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:45 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:47 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:49 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:51 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:53 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:55 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:38:57 "You're a fucking drug addict.

00:39:00 "I almost lost you today, didn't I?"

00:39:01 "What?

00:39:03 "The fuck does that mean, man?"

00:39:05 So my dad, though.

00:39:10 Now I know when you guys hear all the stuff you hear,

00:39:12 you guys are like, "Wow, Kevin, that's messed up.

00:39:14 "It probably doesn't get any worse than that."

00:39:16 Well, you're wrong. It does.

00:39:18 Let me tell you the worst person in my family.

00:39:20 The worst person in my family is my cousin Al.

00:39:22 I'll tell you why.

00:39:24 My cousin Al was on drugs, too.

00:39:26 But, unlike my dad, Al found Jesus.

00:39:28 See, but Al's one of those people that found Jesus,

00:39:29 and now that he found Jesus,

00:39:31 he tries to throw Jesus on everybody.

00:39:33 You ever meet somebody like that?

00:39:35 For no reason at all, they throw religion at you.

00:39:37 You did nothing to deserve this conversation.

00:39:39 No matter what you say, they bring up religion.

00:39:41 "Hey, good morning, Al."

00:39:43 "Uh, it is a good morning, 'cause Jesus woke us up."

00:39:45 "Hello." Boom.

00:39:47 "I love him. Do you?"

00:39:49 "What?

00:39:51 "The fuck does that have to do with anything, man?

00:39:53 "I'm trying to play basketball.

00:39:55 "This ain't got shit to do with nothing."

00:39:57 Al got mad at me 'cause I live in L.A.

00:39:58 He said, "Kevin, you out here in Hollywood

00:40:00 "doing God knows what.

00:40:02 "Sex, drugs, money.

00:40:06 "Lord knows what you're into.

00:40:08 "You need to get in a relationship with God."

00:40:10 I said, "Dude, don't talk to me about God. I'm fine, okay?

00:40:12 "You're the one who's on drugs.

00:40:14 "You get in a relationship with God." He got mad.

00:40:16 Now, anytime he get mad, he always got to bring up

00:40:18 some dark shit from his past that nobody needs to know.

00:40:20 I don't know where he said, "Kevin, let me tell you something.

00:40:22 "I know I was on drugs, but I found Jesus.

00:40:24 "Granted, I didn't know him

00:40:26 "when I was out there sucking dick for money,

00:40:27 "but I'll tell you something."

00:40:29 I said, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

00:40:32 "Hold--wait--first of all, you're not gonna speed past that

00:40:35 "like you didn't just say what you just said."

00:40:37 I said, "What was this? What year was this?"

00:40:40 He said, "It was in the '80s. Everybody was doing it."

00:40:43 "This is shit that pissed me off."

00:40:45 He said, "Your dad was back there with me."

00:40:47 I said, "What?"

00:40:49 My dad was like, "All right, all right, all right.

00:40:54 "Hey, you gonna learn today?"

00:40:56 "Uh, no the fuck I'm not."

00:40:58 "You gonna keep that lesson to yourself."

00:41:01 I told my dad to go get one cup and put your name on it.

00:41:05 That is your cup.

00:41:07 You ain't gonna drink out another goddamn glass in this house.

00:41:09 That's it for you.

00:41:11 Al--Al was a different ball game, man.

00:41:17 Al single-handedly destroyed my mom's funeral.

00:41:22 Al--his thing. My mom--first of all, I'm gonna be honest with y'all.

00:41:25 My mom passed away five years ago, okay?

00:41:27 Now, my mom died from cancer.

00:41:29 At the time, was it difficult? Yes.

00:41:31 But me and my brother, we got through it.

00:41:33 We knew it was coming, so we prepped ourselves.

00:41:35 We're at the funeral. Funeral's almost over.

00:41:37 Pastor gets up. He says, "Would anybody like to say any words on Nancy's behalf?"

00:41:41 It's quiet. Nobody says nothing.

00:41:43 All of a sudden, my cousin Al gets up.

00:41:45 He said, "I got something I need to say."

00:41:47 You can hear everybody in my family suck their teeth.

00:41:51 Shit. Goddamn it. Shit.

00:41:53 I cannot make this up.

00:41:55 This is the speech that my cousin gave at my mom's funeral.

00:41:58 Word for word. He comes to the podium.

00:42:00 He said, "Uh...

00:42:03 [laughter]

00:42:06 "Uh...

00:42:08 "Before I say anything,

00:42:11 "I just want to start off by saying,

00:42:14 "God is good all the time."

00:42:19 Now, when people say that in return,

00:42:21 you're supposed to say, "And all the time, God is good."

00:42:24 Nobody said nothing. Listen.

00:42:26 Look, when I say it again, just be quiet.

00:42:29 Don't nobody say shit. I want to show y'all how mad he got.

00:42:31 Don't make me laugh. Just be quiet, okay?

00:42:34 I want to show y'all how fucking mad he got.

00:42:36 All right? Don't make me laugh. Stop.

00:42:38 This is exactly what he did. He said, "Uh...

00:42:41 "Uh...

00:42:44 "Before I say anything,

00:42:48 "I just want to start off by saying,

00:42:50 "God is good all the time."

00:42:54 [laughter]

00:43:05 Oh, don't nobody know what the fuck they're supposed to say back to Jesus?

00:43:08 Say shit back to Jesus.

00:43:10 My grandmom got scared. She was like, "God is good all the time."

00:43:13 She started messing it up. "God is good all the time.

00:43:17 "Sometimes he's not. I don't say nothing about it.

00:43:19 "I just... Take me, Jesus. Uh, uh."

00:43:23 Look, my grandmom is the king of fake pass-outs.

00:43:26 Like, she'll pass out for three seconds and wait

00:43:28 and then peek to see if anybody looking.

00:43:30 "Take me, Jesus. Uh, uh."

00:43:32 [laughter]

00:43:35 "Grandmom, I saw you. Come on. Get up.

00:43:38 "Get your ass up.

00:43:40 "Get your old faking ass up, grandmom.

00:43:42 "You ain't pass out."

00:43:45 [laughter]

00:43:47 Here's the rest of the speech.

00:43:49 Word for word is the rest of the speech.

00:43:51 He goes, "Uh, before Nancy died,

00:43:56 "she owed me $53 and some change."

00:44:00 [laughter]

00:44:02 "Now, Kevin, real quick, how does that work?

00:44:04 "Does that roll over to you? Do I get it from you?

00:44:06 "Whatever. We'll figure it out. We'll talk about it."

00:44:09 "Uh, life is funny, ain't it?

00:44:13 "Every time a thousand people die, you gotta laugh.

00:44:15 "Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey!

00:44:18 "I love you, Nancy. Peace!"

00:44:20 This nigga walked off like it was a concert.

00:44:22 We was like, "What the fuck? Wait a minute!"

00:44:25 Now, before y'all judge my family,

00:44:27 let me tell you how crazy this funeral got, okay?

00:44:29 First of all, all our families are crazy.

00:44:31 We just come in different races, shapes, and sizes.

00:44:33 Now, at any funeral you go to,

00:44:35 there's always one person at the funeral

00:44:37 that's there to avenge the death of whoever died.

00:44:42 And that person was my Uncle Richard Jr., okay?

00:44:44 Now, all my real Kevin Hart fans know who my Uncle Richard Jr. is.

00:44:48 For those who don't know, say it with your chest.

00:44:50 That's my Uncle Richard Jr., all right?

00:44:52 Now, like I said, my mom died from cancer.

00:44:56 Everybody knows this except my Uncle Richard Jr.

00:45:00 Funeral's over. Everybody's outside.

00:45:02 They're consoling one another.

00:45:04 It's a really emotional time. I'm talking.

00:45:06 My uncle comes up, taps me on the back.

00:45:08 He said, "Kevin, I just want to let you know

00:45:11 whoever did this is going to die tonight."

00:45:14 "Excuse me? What do you mean? What are you saying?"

00:45:20 "I'm just trying to tell you

00:45:22 I'm about to peel this motherfucker's muffin cap back blue

00:45:24 tonight, nigga!"

00:45:26 I said, "Uncle, cancer did it. It was cancer."

00:45:30 He said, "Well, you tell cancer I'm looking for him,

00:45:32 and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face.

00:45:34 Twice. Me. By myself.

00:45:37 One gun. One bullet. All day.

00:45:40 Every day. Wake up. Go back to sleep.

00:45:43 Take a nap. You ready to go night-night, nigga?"

00:45:46 "You about to go night-night, nigga?"

00:45:48 "Everybody go night-night, nigga?"

00:45:50 I said, "Okay." I said, "I can't."

00:45:53 I said, "Dude, I can't do this. I can't."

00:45:55 I said, "Uncle, you go tell him by yourself. I can't."

00:45:58 Reason why I couldn't, it was time for me to be a pallbearer.

00:46:03 Okay? Now, here's the thing.

00:46:06 It was time for me to go be a pallbearer.

00:46:09 I had a casket. We had to carry the casket down the aisle,

00:46:11 put the casket in the hearse.

00:46:13 Now, I've never been a pallbearer before.

00:46:15 I've been offered several pallbearer positions,

00:46:17 but I've turned them all down.

00:46:19 The reason why I've turned them down, I'm small.

00:46:21 I got little arms. My biggest fear is that you're going to put me

00:46:23 next to somebody that's tall with long arms.

00:46:25 They got to make up for the space.

00:46:27 I got to hold the casket up here.

00:46:29 I fuck around, get tired. My arms start shaking.

00:46:31 I drop it. Everybody look at me like, "Why you drop it?"

00:46:33 I'm like, "I never had it."

00:46:35 They're like, "Yes, you did."

00:46:38 I'm like, "Nobody told me. Nobody counted.

00:46:39 Y'all just assumed I had it. I didn't have it.

00:46:41 My hand hurt. I thought it was going to bleed.

00:46:43 Whatever." I don't want to be in that situation.

00:46:45 But, for this time, I don't have a choice.

00:46:49 It's my mom. It's my mom's funeral, so I have to do it.

00:46:52 So, I'm on the right side. I got the casket over here.

00:46:55 My brother's on the left side. He's got the casket over there.

00:46:57 Keep in mind, it's my mother, and it's a funeral,

00:46:59 so I'm emotional. I'm crying. I'm a mess.

00:47:03 No. No. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready.

00:47:11 So, this is where my dad's an asshole.

00:47:14 My dad seen me crying. My dad stood up,

00:47:16 punched me in the back of the head.

00:47:18 "Stop being a bitch. Man up."

00:47:20 She gone. I said, "Nigga, that's it, man.

00:47:22 Fuck this shit, man."

00:47:24 I forgot where I was. I threw the casket.

00:47:27 When I threw it, my cousin Al stood up.

00:47:29 He was like, "It should have been me, Lord.

00:47:32 I'm the one sucking dick for money."

00:47:33 My dad was like, "All right. All right. All right.

00:47:38 Hey, you're going to learn today."

00:47:41 "Shut the fuck up, Dad.

00:47:43 My grandma passed out sucking dick."

00:47:45 "Uh-huh. Mm."

00:47:47 "Grandma, get-- you're peaking.

00:47:52 Grandma, go. Somebody get Grandma's ass out the church.

00:47:55 Lying in front of God."

00:47:57 [laughter]

00:48:01 Now, I talk about my dad a lot, but understand something.

00:48:04 People, I love my dad to death.

00:48:06 I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for my dad.

00:48:08 To be honest with y'all, I'm just like my dad.

00:48:10 I just don't do drugs.

00:48:12 I got my dad's temper. I know I do.

00:48:14 That's why I'm going through a divorce now.

00:48:16 When I get mad, I don't argue no more.

00:48:18 I fucking leave. That's how I handle shit.

00:48:20 Now, I'm not spiteful like my dad.

00:48:22 My dad is very spiteful.

00:48:25 My dad-- I remember him, my mom would argue, right?

00:48:27 No matter what he bought in the house,

00:48:29 he would take with him when he left.

00:48:31 I don't give a fuck what it was.

00:48:33 Like, if you were cooking a steak in the pan,

00:48:35 and my dad bought it when he left,

00:48:37 "Bitch, get the goddamn steak out the pan."

00:48:39 "What we gonna eat?"

00:48:41 "Bitch, put the steak in my hand. I'm ready to go."

00:48:43 "Put a hot steak in his hand."

00:48:45 "Bitch, put it in the bag."

00:48:47 [laughter]

00:48:49 It's fucking crazy.

00:48:51 I remember my dad took all the Christmas lights

00:48:54 off the goddamn Christmas tree.

00:48:55 Do you know how-- listen.

00:48:57 Do you know how mad you gotta be

00:48:59 to take the Christmas lights off the goddamn Christmas tree?

00:49:01 Do you know how long it takes

00:49:03 to take the Christmas lights off the fucking Christmas tree?

00:49:05 And to keep an attitude that whole time?

00:49:07 "Yep. Y'all done fucked up today.

00:49:09 Too late.

00:49:11 Too late.

00:49:13 It's gonna be a dark Christmas in this bitch,

00:49:16 I bet you that.

00:49:18 Ain't nobody gonna see shit in this house.

00:49:20 How many sets of lights

00:49:23 do you think you put on this goddamn Christmas tree?"

00:49:24 [laughter]

00:49:26 My dad was fucking crazy.

00:49:28 Now, I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

00:49:30 When I left, I did take some stuff.

00:49:33 See, but I took stuff that she didn't realize

00:49:35 was important until it was gone.

00:49:37 Like, when I left, I took all the backs

00:49:39 to her earrings.

00:49:41 [laughter]

00:49:43 Yeah. Yeah. I don't want the earrings.

00:49:45 I just want the backs.

00:49:47 You can put 'em on, but you're gonna fucking lose 'em

00:49:49 'cause I got the backs.

00:49:52 I'm popping with those erasers, bitch.

00:49:53 I got the goddamn backs.

00:49:55 Okay?

00:49:57 That's right, fellas. You gotta hit 'em low.

00:49:59 Gotta take stuff they don't realize is important.

00:50:01 I'll tell you what else I took.

00:50:03 I took the headboard to the bed.

00:50:05 Now, I know when I say that, a lot of y'all are like,

00:50:07 "Kevin, why would you take the headboard to the bed?"

00:50:09 I'll tell you why.

00:50:11 The headboard to the bed is very important to a man.

00:50:13 That's what motivates us during sex.

00:50:15 Ladies, it's not you.

00:50:17 It's not the noises that you make.

00:50:19 It's the fucking headboard.

00:50:21 [laughter]

00:50:22 [laughter]

00:50:24 [laughter]

00:50:26 [laughter]

00:50:28 [laughter]

00:50:30 [laughter]

00:50:32 That's motivation.

00:50:34 That's the motivation.

00:50:36 If you don't believe me, next time you have sex with your man,

00:50:38 if you hear the headboard, look at your man's face.

00:50:40 I bet you anybody money his face matches the sound

00:50:42 of the fucking headboard.

00:50:44 Bet money.

00:50:46 [laughter]

00:50:48 [laughter]

00:50:50 [laughter]

00:50:51 [laughter]

00:50:53 [laughter]

00:50:55 [laughter]

00:50:57 It all goes together.

00:50:59 That's what we do.

00:51:01 I'm just telling you what I know.

00:51:03 Now, I'm not a hypocrite, people.

00:51:05 I'm not going to make it seem like my relationship didn't work out,

00:51:07 and it's all her fault.

00:51:09 I take responsibility.

00:51:11 I'm not the same man that I used to be.

00:51:13 I fell off in some areas.

00:51:15 I can admit that.

00:51:17 Sexually, I fell off.

00:51:19 My shit was different.

00:51:20 My moves was gone.

00:51:22 I was just bad.

00:51:24 I'm being honest.

00:51:26 I don't care.

00:51:28 My dirty talk changed, too.

00:51:30 Here's the thing with talking dirty.

00:51:32 I can say dirty shit.

00:51:34 I just don't like it when you say stuff back.

00:51:36 Because when you say stuff back,

00:51:38 then I got to say something back to what you just said.

00:51:40 It's too much.

00:51:42 Shut up.

00:51:44 Just let me say what I got to say.

00:51:46 That's too fucking much.

00:51:48 Yeah, you like this dick, don't you?

00:51:50 Oh, what I like about it.

00:51:52 I don't know.

00:52:02 I didn't expect you to say what you said when you said it.

00:52:04 I thought you were going to let me keep going

00:52:06 because I had some other stuff I wanted to say.

00:52:08 Let's just stop.

00:52:10 I want to write some stuff down.

00:52:12 It's no big deal.

00:52:14 I'm weird when it comes to sex, man.

00:52:17 I get uncomfortable very fast.

00:52:18 I really do.

00:52:20 I'm not lying to y'all.

00:52:22 But here's the thing.

00:52:24 I don't bite my tongue.

00:52:26 When I'm uncomfortable, I'm going to tell you.

00:52:28 I am.

00:52:30 I've done it several times.

00:52:32 That's why I use safety words.

00:52:34 For those who do not know what safety words are,

00:52:36 safety words are words that you use

00:52:38 to let a woman know that you're not comfortable

00:52:40 with what's going on.

00:52:42 My safety word is pineapples.

00:52:44 That's my word.

00:52:46 It's a way to understand the meaning of the word.

00:52:47 Now, here's an example of how you use it.

00:52:49 This is when I don't feel comfortable.

00:52:51 I don't like it if a woman's riding me

00:52:53 and she makes my whole body move.

00:52:55 I don't think no man

00:52:57 should ever do this shit right here.

00:52:59 Shaq Big Ass probably got some shit like that.

00:53:06 Ah, shit.

00:53:11 I don't like it. Pineapples. It hurts.

00:53:13 I don't want to do it.

00:53:15 You know why I don't like that shit?

00:53:16 I'm going to tell you my biggest fear.

00:53:18 My biggest fear is a girl making a headboard rock on me.

00:53:20 Like, as a man, what do you do when you hear that shit?

00:53:22 Like, you hear the...

00:53:24 And you look up. She all aggressive.

00:53:26 Pineapples, bitch. That's it. Get up.

00:53:29 No. Not today.

00:53:31 Not about to fuck the shit out of me

00:53:33 like I'm a little ass boy. That's it.

00:53:35 So you can see me on the street and talk shit.

00:53:37 I fucked the shit out that little ass nigga last night.

00:53:39 Him. You, bitch.

00:53:41 Fucked the shit out you last night.

00:53:44 What?

00:53:45 I said pineapples six times.

00:53:47 This bitch ignored me every time.

00:53:49 Pineapples.

00:53:51 There's a lot of stuff I don't like.

00:53:53 Ladies, I don't like it when you get nasty too fast.

00:53:55 Here's the thing.

00:53:57 If you nasty ladies and you know you nasty,

00:53:59 baby step me

00:54:01 into your nasty world.

00:54:03 Like, don't just assume that because I'm a man,

00:54:05 I'm nasty too.

00:54:07 It's my first time having sex.

00:54:09 First time having sex, you come out the bathroom.

00:54:11 Ooh, I'm ready. Ah. Mmm.

00:54:13 [laughter]

00:54:14 Pineapples. I don't want to do it.

00:54:16 Pineapples!

00:54:18 I want to go home.

00:54:20 I don't want to--

00:54:22 I want to go home!

00:54:24 What'd you put in your mouth?

00:54:26 What was that?

00:54:28 You didn't chew anything.

00:54:30 You just started-- I don't like it.

00:54:32 Pineapples.

00:54:34 I don't like it.

00:54:36 I'll tell you what I sound like.

00:54:38 Ladies, I don't like it when you take my underwear off.

00:54:40 I'm grown.

00:54:42 I can do it myself.

00:54:43 Don't treat me like no fucking boy 'cause I'm small.

00:54:45 I can't stand that shit.

00:54:47 You ever have a girl roll your drawers down

00:54:49 when you didn't expect it?

00:54:51 Hey, baby, hey!

00:54:53 Look on the ground, your drawers be in that panty ball.

00:54:56 That fucking--

00:54:58 Bitch, that's a pair of boxers.

00:55:00 You better extend it before I punch you in the fucking throat.

00:55:02 Got my shit looking like a bald-up thong

00:55:04 on the fucking floor.

00:55:06 Girl, I'll chop you in your goddamn neck.

00:55:08 I'm just being honest.

00:55:11 And ladies, I know what you're thinking.

00:55:12 You're like, "Kevin, you don't like all this stuff about us.

00:55:14 I'm quite sure there's some stuff that we don't like about you."

00:55:16 You're absolutely right.

00:55:18 I'll tell you what you don't like about me.

00:55:20 I don't have sex for very long.

00:55:22 I'm not playing.

00:55:24 You got about a good 20 to 23 seconds with me, ladies,

00:55:26 and I'm very serious.

00:55:28 I'm serious.

00:55:30 Here's the thing.

00:55:32 I don't care.

00:55:34 I come quick, whatever.

00:55:36 It is what it is.

00:55:38 Fellas, if you come fast, embrace it.

00:55:40 I'm gonna punch you in like nine positions in 23 seconds.

00:55:41 I'm not playing.

00:55:43 You don't believe me?

00:55:45 Okay, all right, watch this.

00:55:47 I'm gonna fuck the shit out this stool for 23 seconds.

00:55:49 You bought this on yourself.

00:55:51 Don't make me laugh.

00:55:53 This is serious shit.

00:55:55 Shut the fuck up.

00:55:57 You're about to get it.

00:55:59 Go!

00:56:02 [audience cheering]

00:56:10 [grunting]

00:56:12 [audience laughing]

00:56:14 Whoo!

00:56:16 [audience laughing]

00:56:18 Whoo!

00:56:20 You all right?

00:56:22 You want some juice?

00:56:24 [audience laughing]

00:56:26 That's how you know when you ain't do shit,

00:56:28 when you want some juice.

00:56:31 I'm gonna go in the kitchen,

00:56:32 I get some juice, you want some juice.

00:56:34 You want me to make you some juice?

00:56:36 I can make you some juice from scratch.

00:56:38 [audience laughing]

00:56:40 Fellas, you ever get that hump in your back?

00:56:42 You know what that is?

00:56:44 You ever get that turtle shell?

00:56:46 So you come too hard.

00:56:48 That shit right there.

00:56:50 That turtle shell, your head going in and out the shell.

00:56:52 [grunting]

00:56:54 Shit!

00:56:56 Just caught a cholly horse in my back.

00:56:58 [audience laughing]

00:57:00 [laughing]

00:57:01 [audience laughing]

00:57:03 It's true stuff.

00:57:05 Ladies, I'll tell you what I sound like.

00:57:07 I don't like it when you guys get drunk and shit

00:57:09 while your man is sober.

00:57:11 I don't.

00:57:13 You know why?

00:57:15 Because we all get drunk, that's when you want to be nasty.

00:57:17 But the nasty stuff that you want to do

00:57:19 doesn't make any sense.

00:57:21 It's stupid.

00:57:23 You all do the same type of shit,

00:57:25 stay in that same dumbass drunk stance.

00:57:27 [audience laughing]

00:57:30 Hey, babe.

00:57:32 Come here.

00:57:34 Come here.

00:57:36 Hey, put your dick on the counter.

00:57:39 Let me suck your dick on the counter.

00:57:41 Excuse me?

00:57:43 Put your dick on the counter.

00:57:45 Let me suck your dick on the counter.

00:57:47 Bitch, we in 7-Eleven.

00:57:49 I'm not about to put my dick on the goddamn counter

00:57:51 at 7-Eleven.

00:57:53 Get a bag of Doritos, put Doritos on your dick.

00:57:55 Let me suck the Doritos off your dick.

00:57:58 Let me suck the Doritos off your dick.

00:57:59 You scared to let me suck that cheesy dick?

00:58:01 Bitch, pineapples. Get in the car.

00:58:03 I'm not going to deal with this.

00:58:05 Pineapples. Suck a cheesy dick.

00:58:07 What the hell are you talking about?

00:58:09 What the hell is wrong with you?

00:58:11 Women always want you to suck on their titties

00:58:13 when they're drunk.

00:58:15 You ever notice that?

00:58:17 All the time.

00:58:19 Hey, babe.

00:58:21 Hey.

00:58:23 They do that drunk-ass hiccup.

00:58:25 Hey.

00:58:27 Come here.

00:58:28 Suck my titty real quick.

00:58:30 What?

00:58:32 Suck on my titty real quick.

00:58:34 Bitch, I'm pumping gas.

00:58:36 I can't suck your titty while I'm pumping gas.

00:58:39 Put some gas on my titty and suck the gas off my titty.

00:58:42 All right, pineapples.

00:58:44 You're just fucking stupid.

00:58:46 So I can forget I did it, light a cigarette,

00:58:48 blow my goddamn mouth off.

00:58:50 Is that what you want?

00:58:52 Stupid ass.

00:58:56 Every man in this room has had an experience with a drunk girl.

00:58:58 Every man has.

00:59:00 My experience was bad.

00:59:02 It was horrible.

00:59:04 This girl was drunk as shit.

00:59:06 I knew she was drunk because she didn't have any balance in her neck.

00:59:08 She was all over the place.

00:59:10 We in the car. I'm driving.

00:59:12 She in the passenger seat, right?

00:59:14 Out of nowhere, she sat up.

00:59:16 She said, "Kevin, I'm about to hit you with some new nasty shit."

00:59:18 I said, "Whatever. Do you. I don't care."

00:59:20 Out of nowhere, she leans over.

00:59:22 I'm thinking she's about to give me head.

00:59:25 I'm thinking she's about to give me balls.

00:59:26 Out of nowhere, she said, "Hrrr."

00:59:28 I said, "Oh."

00:59:30 "Ugh."

00:59:32 "Ugh."

00:59:34 She said, "I'm humming on your balls."

00:59:37 I was hitting the gas and the brake at the same time.

00:59:40 "Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ah, shit."

00:59:43 I'm just being honest with you.

00:59:47 You know what I sound like?

00:59:49 Ladies, I don't like the back it up girls.

00:59:51 The back it up girls, for those who don't know who they are,

00:59:54 they're the girls who do too much when you're having sex.

00:59:55 These girls. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah.

00:59:58 I don't like that. Pineapples. I got a little pelvis. It hurts.

01:00:01 You're going to pop my belly button. I don't want to do it.

01:00:04 I don't fucking like it.

01:00:06 That's the worst shit ever, fellas, when you let a girl back you down all over the bedroom.

01:00:09 Do you know how stupid you look when you let a girl back you down?

01:00:12 I'm serious. All you got to do is catch one reflection of yourself in the mirror.

01:00:15 I bet you'll never let it happen again.

01:00:17 Look. This is how dumb you look. This is what it look like. Look.

01:00:20 [Drumming]

01:00:34 You're supposed to be having sex. She got you doing P90X.

01:00:37 Don't sit your stupid ass down, man.

01:00:39 Fuck your cast burning for while you're having sex.

01:00:42 Now ladies, the reason why I know all this stuff, like I said, I've been single for a while now.

01:00:48 So I've been out. I've been in the clubs. I've been on the scene.

01:00:50 I see what's going on. Do I like the clubs? No.

01:00:53 Do I like the single life? Not really. But I'm in it.

01:00:56 The reason why I go to clubs is because my friends make me.

01:00:58 Because they can't get in without me. So I have to go.

01:01:01 Here's the thing. I'm going to tell you what shocked me the most about the clubs.

01:01:05 I didn't know that that dancing shit, like that whole dance battle shit, I didn't know that that was real.

01:01:09 I thought it was just on TV, like with the dance crews. That shit is real.

01:01:12 Like grown ass men be battling, like face to face.

01:01:17 [Laughter]

01:01:25 Grown ass fucking men.

01:01:28 The shit that make me laugh the most is like when you watch people battle,

01:01:31 is the dude that be calling the dancers out.

01:01:33 He say shit you have no clue, like you never knew this was going on.

01:01:36 Oh shit, that nigga in your house.

01:01:39 [Laughter]

01:01:42 He walking your dog.

01:01:46 Where the fuck he get the dog? When he get the dog?

01:01:48 I got involved in one dance battle.

01:01:51 One dance battle.

01:01:53 I go to a club, right? I'm with my boy Spank.

01:01:55 Now here's the thing. Spank can dance.

01:01:57 Spank can dance his ass off.

01:01:59 Personally, I think Spank a little too tall to do some of the dances he does.

01:02:01 Spank like 6'5". Shouldn't do some of them.

01:02:03 But whatever. It's his business.

01:02:05 We go into a club. Spank walking in front of me. I'm behind him.

01:02:08 When we get there, he hear a song.

01:02:10 He's like oh shit, this is my song.

01:02:12 He dropped his ass down twice.

01:02:15 Pop. Pop.

01:02:16 Now here's the thing. I'm right behind him. I'm small.

01:02:19 His ass hit my lip a little bit.

01:02:21 Not a lot, but it definitely.

01:02:23 I was like no, no, no.

01:02:25 The DJ was like oh shit, them niggas dirty whining.

01:02:27 No we not. Don't do that.

01:02:29 Don't say that. Don't put that message out there.

01:02:32 I said hey man, don't fucking do that shit in front of me.

01:02:35 Go out there and dance if you want to dance.

01:02:37 He said alright, cool, cool.

01:02:39 He go out there on the dance floor.

01:02:41 He see this girl. He start dancing.

01:02:44 He's just two stepping.

01:02:45 Him and the girl dancing.

01:02:47 Out of nowhere, this guy walks up.

01:02:49 He got like five guys with him.

01:02:51 He grabbed the girl. He looked at Spank.

01:02:53 He said hey man, you don't want this fucking problem.

01:02:55 Now in my mind, I said oh shit, we about to fight.

01:02:57 So I did what I do.

01:02:59 I took a beer bottle. I broke it.

01:03:01 Because I was about to stab this bitch in the face.

01:03:03 I'm lying. I tried to break it.

01:03:05 It didn't break, so I sat down.

01:03:07 Listen, whatever. It has nothing to do with the story.

01:03:09 It's neither here nor there.

01:03:12 I sit down. I'm looking.

01:03:13 This is shit that was wild.

01:03:15 When the guy moved the girl, he said yeah, you don't want this fucking problem.

01:03:17 Out of nowhere, he was like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:21 Now this is shit that made me laugh.

01:03:23 When he was doing this, his friends behind him was like oh, oh.

01:03:28 I was like what the fuck is that?

01:03:30 What is going on? What the hell is this?

01:03:32 So he grabs Spank's chest.

01:03:34 When he grabbed his chest, he was like yeah, what I got?

01:03:37 What I got? What I got?

01:03:39 Now the bitch in me came out.

01:03:41 What is it? What's in his hand?

01:03:42 What does he have?

01:03:44 He said I got your heart, nigga.

01:03:46 I got your fucking heart. I'm about to eat it.

01:03:48 He said yeah, I ate it, bitch.

01:03:50 Oh, it's nasty.

01:03:52 Threw it back up. He said take it back.

01:03:54 Hit Spank on the head.

01:03:56 Spank came back to life.

01:03:58 Because technically, Spank was dead for like 32 seconds

01:04:00 because the guy had his heart.

01:04:02 So when he gave it back, I was like yo, Spank, we should leave

01:04:04 because next time he might not be that nice.

01:04:06 He might not give it back.

01:04:08 So Spank was like yo, man, fuck that.

01:04:10 I said let's battle.

01:04:11 I said Spank, there's five of them.

01:04:13 You're not going to do it by yourself.

01:04:15 Tag me in. He said what?

01:04:17 I said tag me in.

01:04:19 Hit my hand. I'm going to go here.

01:04:21 I'm going to bring you right back here.

01:04:23 Just hit my hand. I'm going to go here with it.

01:04:25 I'm going to bring you right back here.

01:04:27 He said no, Kev, fuck that.

01:04:29 I got him. I'm about to get in the car on this bitch.

01:04:31 I said what? He said I'm about to get in the car on his ass.

01:04:33 I said whatever. Fine. Do you.

01:04:35 He said when I get to the other side of the room,

01:04:37 throw me the car keys.

01:04:39 So Spank started dancing.

01:04:40 He gets to the other side of the room.

01:04:42 He's going off, right?

01:04:44 He said Kev, I'm at the car.

01:04:46 Throw me the keys.

01:04:48 I take out my car keys.

01:04:50 I throw them hard as shit.

01:04:52 When I throw them, this bitch ducks.

01:04:54 When he ducks, hit the glass behind the bar.

01:04:56 All the glass break.

01:04:58 Alcohol fall down.

01:05:00 The bartender looked at me.

01:05:02 He said you're going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:04 I said I would, but the way that my bank account is set up,

01:05:06 I got to check it in the savings.

01:05:08 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:09 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:11 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:13 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:15 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:17 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:19 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:21 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:23 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:25 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:27 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:29 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:31 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:33 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:35 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:37 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:38 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:40 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:42 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:44 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:46 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:48 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:50 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:52 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:54 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:56 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:05:58 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:00 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:02 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:04 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:06 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:07 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:09 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:11 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:13 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:15 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:17 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:19 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:21 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:23 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:25 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:27 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:29 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:31 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:33 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:35 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:36 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:38 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:40 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:42 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:44 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:46 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:48 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:50 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:52 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:54 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:56 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:06:58 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:07:00 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:07:02 I'm going to have to pay for this shit.

01:07:04 I sat up all night.

01:07:05 You hear me? Mr. Pink.

01:07:07 That's the way I figured it out.

01:07:09 Now what's your name?

01:07:11 Mr. Pink, man.

01:07:13 But you know I prefer Mr. Fu--

01:07:15 Come on, man. Just call yourself Mr. Pink.

01:07:17 Now can we get on with this shit?

01:07:19 What the fuck is on your goddamn face?

01:07:24 Why you hair dressed like mine?

01:07:26 Nigga, you told me to come as your favorite character

01:07:29 from a bank robbery movie.

01:07:31 I chose their president.

01:07:33 Did we not all say Reservoir Dogs was our favorite movie?

01:07:35 I said Reservoir Dogs. I sent the email.

01:07:37 Did you get the email? And I tweeted it.

01:07:39 I got the tweet. I definitely got the tweet.

01:07:41 I'm not following you.

01:07:43 Remember when you said this shit about the dark-skinned girls?

01:07:46 That's when I stopped following.

01:07:48 You're following me though, right?

01:07:50 Oh, cool. Okay. You know what?

01:07:52 Hey, listen. Listen!

01:07:54 We're about to rob a bank, okay?

01:07:56 We got to be together.

01:07:58 We don't have room for error. Focus!

01:08:00 Now we need to be on the same page

01:08:02 and we're not!

01:08:03 We're not on page two. We're on page one!

01:08:05 We need to flip back to page number one

01:08:07 and read the third paragraph.

01:08:09 We can't turn to page two because we're on page one!

01:08:11 Motherfucker!

01:08:16 Y'all ready to set it off for this motherfucker?

01:08:18 Damn, bitch!

01:08:22 Oh, God damn!

01:08:26 Jail! That's where we're going.

01:08:31 Jail!

01:08:32 Fuck!

01:08:33 Fuck!

01:08:35 Fuck!

01:08:37 Fuck!

01:08:40 Fuck!

01:08:43 Fuck!

01:08:45 Fuck!

01:08:47 Fuck!

01:08:49 Fuck!

01:08:51 Fuck!

01:08:53 Fuck!

01:08:55 Fuck!

01:08:57 Fuck!

01:08:59 Fuck!

01:09:01 Alright, check it out.

01:09:02 They call me Suicide King when I cop that click-clack

01:09:05 Wait until your trigger's on the dime when I blow back

01:09:07 Bitches cry when the plush black phone's jacked

01:09:10 Been around the block like a rackhead combat

01:09:12 Fuck that, I can tell you what you wanna know

01:09:15 Slipcone cash in the pocket when the killer go

01:09:17 Killer go, killer go, killer go, killer go

01:09:19 Killer go, killer go, killer go, killer go

01:09:21 They're gonna get you, they're gonna get you

01:09:28 Dabbin' in the streets a hustler

01:09:32 Stone cold cash from the cradle to the grave

01:09:38 Rise and shine, Los Angeles. It's ten o'clock in the a.m.

01:09:42 Alright, guys. Let's organize our watches.

01:09:45 The time right now is one...

01:09:47 Uh, I don't have a watch.

01:09:49 What you mean you don't have no watch?

01:09:51 You didn't say bring a watch.

01:09:53 Should I have to?

01:09:55 If you want me to bring it.

01:09:58 What are we doing today?

01:09:59 Robbin' a bank.

01:10:01 Okay, so you don't think you need a damn watch to know what time we need to get out the goddamn bank?

01:10:03 What? We all together.

01:10:05 You know what? Forget it. You don't need no watch.

01:10:07 Count on your head. That's what you do. That's how you keep track.

01:10:09 Hey, dude.

01:10:11 What?

01:10:13 My sugar's low. I gotta stop and get something to eat.

01:10:15 You don't need shit else to eat, fat boy.

01:10:17 Ain't no time for that shit anyway.

01:10:19 How you know we got time for it? 'Cause you don't got no goddamn watch.

01:10:21 Dumbass.

01:10:23 That's it. Done. Okay? We comin' up on the bank, guys.

01:10:26 Damn. Let's go.

01:10:54 Whoops.

01:10:55 You alright?

01:10:57 Hey, hey, hey!

01:10:59 What the hell is going on?

01:11:01 I think he's nervous, man.

01:11:03 Hey, I told you, tie your goddamn shoe on the car.

01:11:05 You better get it together.

01:11:07 Let's focus now.

01:11:09 Next in line.

01:11:23 Hey, how you doing?

01:11:24 I got a question.

01:11:26 Hypothetically, if this bank was to get robbed, is my money okay?

01:11:28 I got it!

01:11:43 Shit.

01:11:45 I mean, you know what? Don't worry about what I just said.

01:11:47 Let me just withdraw all my money.

01:11:49 I need all my money. Yeah. It's about $95.

01:11:52 Come on.

01:11:53 I'm part of it. I'm sorry.

01:12:06 Put my money in the motherfucking bag!

01:12:08 It's a hundred percent!

01:12:10 Put the money in the bag!

01:12:13 Hey, get this bitch clear of the bitch!

01:12:15 God dang it!

01:12:17 Get your ass outta here!

01:12:20 Get the fuck down!

01:12:21 Get down!

01:12:23 Everybody get the fuck down!

01:12:25 Get the fuck down!

01:12:27 Everybody get the fuck down!

01:12:29 Get the...

01:12:31 You bitch, you better get down.

01:12:33 Get that bitch of a ass down!

01:12:35 Everybody, down!

01:12:37 60 seconds!

01:12:39 Wait!

01:12:41 45!

01:12:47 I'm gonna shoot somebody!

01:12:50 25!

01:12:51 I know!

01:12:53 15!

01:12:55 Alright, I got it.

01:12:57 Hey, get your ass up.

01:12:59 Give me the goddamn gun.

01:13:01 Give me my...

01:13:03 Get down!

01:13:05 Five seconds!

01:13:07 Wait, you gotta start over!

01:13:09 I just got up here.

01:13:11 We can't be at five that fast.

01:13:13 You gotta start it over.

01:13:15 Robert De Niro didn't start his speech until he was up here.

01:13:18 Everybody listen up!

01:13:19 We're holding this bank up.

01:13:21 Now, understand something.

01:13:23 We do not want your money, okay?

01:13:25 We want the bank's money.

01:13:27 Your money is insured by the federal government.

01:13:29 Now, do exactly as I say and you will not be hurt.

01:13:31 If you have kids and family that you love, you will listen.

01:13:33 If you gotta pee or shit, you will hold it

01:13:35 and possibly piss a shit on yourself.

01:13:37 If you gotta throw up, you will throw up in your hand

01:13:39 and put it in your pocket

01:13:41 and wait until you get your...

01:13:43 Mr. Black.

01:13:45 Right, right.

01:13:47 You, get your ass...

01:13:48 Oh.

01:13:50 Oh, goddamn.

01:13:53 Wait a minute.

01:13:55 Hey, hey beautiful.

01:13:57 How you doing?

01:14:00 I've been better.

01:14:02 Right, considering what's going on right now.

01:14:04 So this your job?

01:14:06 Yeah.

01:14:08 How do they treat you? They treat you good?

01:14:10 I mean, it's okay. I got benefits.

01:14:12 Question.

01:14:14 Yeah?

01:14:16 I don't know.

01:14:17 Oh, shit.

01:14:19 You gotta be kidding me.

01:14:21 Oh, you got to be goddamn kidding me.

01:14:23 You got to be kidding me. Hold on.

01:14:25 You need help?

01:14:27 No.

01:14:29 You sure?

01:14:31 I doubt it.

01:14:33 Guys, am I close?

01:14:35 Just drop. You good.

01:14:37 Okay. Give it to me.

01:14:39 I can't get it out.

01:14:41 Give me the goddamn gun.

01:14:43 Give me the goddamn...

01:14:45 Really, dude?

01:14:46 He caught us by surprise, man.

01:14:48 His old 195-year-old ass caught you by surprise?

01:14:51 My bad, Kev.

01:14:53 Oh, my God, man.

01:14:55 What?

01:14:57 You called him Kevin, dickwad.

01:14:59 I called you Kev. She called you Kevin dickhead.

01:15:01 Oh, you a snitch, too.

01:15:03 It don't matter. What are you supposed to call me?

01:15:05 Mr. Black.

01:15:07 Okay. Why don't you call me Mr. Black? That's what we worked on all day.

01:15:09 I'm Mr. Black. You know I'm Mr. Black. So call me Mr. Black, man.

01:15:11 Call him Mr. Black. Think about Black Pepper.

01:15:14 Think about Kootuck and Kizzy Black.

01:15:16 Right.

01:15:18 Think about them black bumps on Morgan Freeman.

01:15:20 Now, Morgan Freeman got those black moles all over his face.

01:15:22 Black like that. Black like his little black ass.

01:15:24 Okay. We get it.

01:15:26 Just Black.

01:15:28 Thank you.

01:15:29 Twizzler Black.

01:15:30 Yeah, Black. There you go.

01:15:31 Hey, that nigga black as train smoke.

01:15:33 Blacker than Adabese from Oz.

01:15:35 Blacker than a limo tip.

01:15:37 Black like the back of Forrest Whitaker's black neck.

01:15:39 Thank you, Taraji.

01:15:41 You're welcome, Kevin.

01:15:43 Don't call me cute right now.

01:15:44 You just made it real. You, get out!

01:15:46 You better get your ass on that.

01:15:48 I'm not getting on the ground, little man.

01:15:50 You gonna get your ass on that.

01:15:52 I'm not getting on the ground.

01:15:54 What is the problem?

01:15:56 Because I just bought this suit. I'm not getting on the ground because it's filthy.

01:15:58 They don't wash these carpets.

01:16:00 Fine. I'll get you a suit.

01:16:02 Okay.

01:16:04 Would I be robbing a bank if I had the goddamn money?

01:16:06 I can't help you with that, but I'm not getting on this damn ground.

01:16:08 Get it out the register.

01:16:10 Oh, it's not coming out my drawer, boo-boo.

01:16:12 Get your old ass up.

01:16:13 Get the money out the register.

01:16:15 How much was the suit?

01:16:17 Oh, $400 for the suit.

01:16:19 Give me $400.

01:16:21 But I'm gonna need $300 for my shoes. They're getting scuffed on the way down.

01:16:23 Give me the fucking $400 plus the $300.

01:16:25 Oh, oh, wait, wait. And $200 for my head because this carpet's filthy.

01:16:27 I can't, you know, my head.

01:16:29 So that's $200, $400, $300, that's $900.

01:16:31 I think it's $1000.

01:16:33 Yeah, a G. I'll take a G.

01:16:35 Get the motherfucking G out the register.

01:16:37 Get the G out the register.

01:16:39 Count it out.

01:16:41 Bitch.

01:16:42 Get the big bills.

01:16:44 Get the...ha! Fun.

01:16:46 Get fucking money.

01:16:48 Get your money, bitch!

01:16:50 Throw my money at your goddamn ass.

01:16:52 Get your ass down.

01:16:54 You, down!

01:16:56 I'm gonna count my money.

01:16:58 One, two, three, four.

01:17:00 How long we been in this bank?

01:17:02 We've been in the bank 11 and a half minutes already.

01:17:04 You need to get your ass down.

01:17:06 Can you ask a little nicer?

01:17:08 Can you please get down?

01:17:10 Go, go, go.

01:17:11 You know what? You done called me cute for the last time.

01:17:14 Yo, what the fuck was that?

01:17:16 What?

01:17:18 That's motherfucking signaling people.

01:17:20 I scratched my ass.

01:17:22 Oh, you a dirty motherfucker. You don't wash your ass, bitch!

01:17:24 What you don't know about hygiene? You didn't take no shower?

01:17:26 No. Get your ass down.

01:17:28 I ain't like you anyway.

01:17:30 Yo, we gonna have company.

01:17:32 Go to the vote. I'm hitting the vote.

01:17:34 Yo, yo, yo.

01:17:35 Bang!

01:17:52 Come on!

01:17:55 Let's go!

01:17:57 I'm coming, I'm coming!

01:17:59 Yo!

01:18:01 Leave me!

01:18:03 Yo!

01:18:04 Hey!

01:18:06 I got the heavy one.

01:18:08 I'm coming!

01:18:10 Go, go, go!

01:18:12 I'm good!

01:18:14 You better sit the fuck down!

01:18:16 Nobody move!

01:18:18 You just got robbed, bitch!

01:18:20 What's going on over here?

01:18:23 We're trying to figure this shit out, man.

01:18:25 Figure what out?

01:18:27 Can't get the seats up.

01:18:29 Why the hell did you put them down?

01:18:32 What's going on over here?

01:18:33 Jackass put the seats down. They can't get them back up.

01:18:35 Why would you put the seats down?

01:18:37 I was trying to make room for more money.

01:18:39 But you know there's seven of us!

01:18:41 I just thought about that shit.

01:18:43 What the hell's going on?

01:18:45 Jackass put the seats down.

01:18:47 Why the fuck did you do that?

01:18:49 I was trying to make room for more money.

01:18:51 Fuck, there's seven of us!

01:18:53 Man, I just thought about that shit.

01:18:55 Jackass here put the seats down. He can't get them back up.

01:18:57 What the fuck did you do that for?

01:18:59 I was trying to make room for more money, man.

01:19:01 What the fuck? What the fuck going on?

01:19:02 Jackass put the seats down.

01:19:04 Why'd you do that?

01:19:06 I was trying to make room for more money, man.

01:19:08 There's seven of us, Mr. Brown! What the fuck are you doing?

01:19:10 I just thought about that shit.

01:19:12 You gotta get somebody killed. Get your old ass in the car, man.

01:19:14 Come on, y'all. Let's go, man. We gotta go.

01:19:16 Come on, man. Let's go.

01:19:18 Mr. Black. Where's Mr. Black?

01:19:22 There he go. Go get him.

01:19:26 Okay. I got it. Y'all don't worry about it. I got it. I got it.

01:19:31 Yo, there you go. Okay.

01:19:32 Hey. Y'all gave me one with all the hundreds.

01:19:35 That's why it's so heavy. Let's go.

01:19:37 Okay. Good.

01:19:39 Go.

01:19:41 Come on. Let's go. Come on.

01:19:43 He said go.

01:19:45 You sure he said go?

01:19:47 He said go.

01:19:49 Yeah, yeah. He said go.

01:19:51 Just give me a second. I'll be alright.

01:19:53 I don't think that mean go.

01:19:55 Oh, shit.

01:19:57 He's doing that Queen Latifah move, yo.

01:19:59 Just give me a second. I'll be right there.

01:20:01 That motherfucker dumb. Fuck it. Let's go.

01:20:04 He said let's go.

01:20:06 He said let's go.

01:20:08 No, no. Don't leave.

01:20:10 No, no.

01:20:12 No.

01:20:14 No.

01:20:16 No.

01:20:18 No.

01:20:20 No.

01:20:22 Yo!

01:20:28 Y'all don't leave me. What you leave me for?

01:20:30 Mr. Brown!

01:20:32 Fucking my thank you.

01:20:55 I'm back.

01:20:56 On tonight's show we have Henry Witherspoon.

01:21:04 He's the father of the world-renowned comedian Kevin Hart.

01:21:07 Kevin's wildly successful stand-up comedy film,

01:21:11 Laugh at My Shame,

01:21:13 attributes some horrific actions to Mr. Witherspoon.

01:21:16 We have an exclusive interview with him tonight.

01:21:18 Take a glass of milk, please.

01:21:20 First and foremost, what do you work at?

01:21:23 I'm an engineer. I'm an oil burner technician.

01:21:25 What does that mean?

01:21:27 It's my goddamn day.

01:21:29 That means I fix oil burners. I take care of burners.

01:21:31 Okay. Industrial.

01:21:33 My damn day.

01:21:35 How are you doing on Larry King?

01:21:37 You have thrown your son in a pool in which he almost dies.

01:21:40 You steal a police dog.

01:21:42 You ruin your son's spelling bee competition.

01:21:45 All those true?

01:21:47 Yeah. Every one of them.

01:21:49 Were you stoned at the time?

01:21:52 When I threw him in the pool, I was higher than the Georgia Pines.

01:21:54 When I stole the police car, because it was a car, not a dog.

01:21:59 When I stole the car, yeah, I was higher.

01:22:01 Look at him. Do you see this shit?

01:22:03 Does Kevin Hart your biological son, or did you adopt him?

01:22:07 He better be my biological son.

01:22:09 I supported the nigga. I paid for it.

01:22:11 Now, why does Kevin have several stepbrothers and stepsisters

01:22:15 that are the same age as him?

01:22:17 Papa was a rolling stone.

01:22:19 It is what it is.

01:22:21 Is it true you took your son to the wrong daycare center?

01:22:24 Yeah. I got Kevin there, and he took me.

01:22:28 One was on one side, one was on another.

01:22:30 He took me to one and told me, "Go ahead, Dad. I got it. I'm good."

01:22:35 So I left.

01:22:37 Later on that day, a priest showed up where I was working with my son.

01:22:43 Dude, you know what? I don't need the milk.

01:22:46 He couldn't wait. As soon as he got home, he told his mom.

01:22:49 I'm going to find out where the goddamn studio is.

01:22:51 I'm on my way, bitch.

01:22:53 Kevin says that you tried to force sex on him at the age of 13

01:22:57 with a female friend's young daughter. Is that true?

01:22:59 Yeah, I tried to get him a hit.

01:23:01 That's like this.

01:23:04 Black fathers want to be sure

01:23:08 that their young boys turn to young men.

01:23:12 And the best way to do that is get them wet.

01:23:15 Wet. Good term.

01:23:18 Good term.

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01:24:19 We're back with Spoon, Henry Weatherspoon,

01:24:21 and now joined by his famous son, Kevin Hart.

01:24:24 What's your relationship now?

01:24:26 My relationship with my dad and Aunt Lara is excellent.

01:24:28 I've got to honestly say it's better than it has been before.

01:24:31 Not that it was ever bad, but the older you get, the more you mature.

01:24:36 I'm at the highest level of maturity I've ever been in my life.

01:24:39 And I've got to say it's because of this man right here.

01:24:41 Are you best friends now?

01:24:43 Of course. This is my man. My man, Potts and Pans.

01:24:46 I think we're probably friends because he understands,

01:24:48 at the current time, I whip his ass, Larry.

01:24:50 It's not what it used to be.

01:24:52 I beat the hell out of this boy.

01:24:54 It's not what it used to be, Larry. I put my hands on him.

01:24:57 He'd be right, but he got to remember, I'll cut him.

01:25:00 Do you think with what you went through growing up

01:25:04 that comedy is therapy for you?

01:25:06 Oh, yes. Yes. Because I didn't have other outlets.

01:25:10 It wasn't like there was people I was talking to about what I was going through.

01:25:14 Staying up comedy gave me the ability to share my stories

01:25:18 and get results, get immediate results.

01:25:21 You've been using your dad.

01:25:23 You've been using my dad. You're taking your pain and you're getting people to laugh at it.

01:25:25 You know, guys, Larry Gelbart, the great late comedy writer,

01:25:29 told me once he was carrying his little granddaughter.

01:25:33 He said, "Do you know why grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?"

01:25:36 Because they can send them home when you're tired of them.

01:25:38 Because they have a common enemy.

01:25:40 That's really funny.

01:25:42 Thank you, guys.

01:25:44 Hey, tomorrow night, what a show we've got.

01:25:46 Todd Bridges is going to be with us with his best friend.

01:25:50 His best friend, he says, stole his image.

01:25:53 That's tomorrow night. It's going to be hot.

01:25:55 You will not want to miss it.

01:25:57 Alright, alright, alright!

01:26:02 I was a high school student when I went here.

01:26:03 You can look it up. Do you have your files?

01:26:05 You want me to come talk to some kids? I'm available.

01:26:07 You know, I'm a great motivational speaker.

01:26:09 You know, I can definitely tell kids, don't do drugs.

01:26:12 And if you do do it, just do it once.

01:26:14 Because that's, you know, that's kind of when you get the effect that you need and you can let it go.

01:26:18 Here's something, basically, at the top of these things.

01:26:23 He graduated to greatness.

01:26:26 Okay, I mean, I'm in a great spot right now.

01:26:30 I'm definitely, I'm definitely probably going here.

01:26:33 See, that's weird.

01:26:36 I wonder who made this. They probably just didn't.

01:26:39 Let's just put this down because I don't think it's, I don't think it's something that's relevant.

01:26:43 Whatever, it's not even a big deal. I'm not upset about it.

01:26:46 I'm definitely not mad.

01:26:48 Broke my finger, somebody opened the door.

01:26:51 While they opened the door, I had my finger like this.

01:26:54 I didn't cry. Why didn't I cry?

01:26:57 Because I'm a fucking man. I took it. No tears.

01:27:00 I passed out.

01:27:02 That's probably why I didn't cry.

01:27:04 We about to jump into shit right now. It's going to get crazy, okay?

01:27:06 Now I got some white people on this camera crew.

01:27:08 I need y'all to look alive, stay alert.

01:27:10 If I say run, run.

01:27:12 Okay, when I say get the fuck out of here, y'all go.

01:27:14 Used to be he was my brother.

01:27:16 You know, it's been turned full circle now.

01:27:18 I don't even have a name. I'm his brother now.

01:27:21 People don't even call me by my name anymore.

01:27:23 Nothing's changed. He's got the attention span of a teen girl.

01:27:26 Nothing has changed about him. He's still the same kid.

01:27:28 Except he's got more money. He's still, you know,

01:27:31 "Hey, he trying to fast talk me."

01:27:34 Like he's playing three-card molly.

01:27:36 Anybody want to be famous, anybody want to do the work?

01:27:38 Spank, give me two, baby. Let's go.

01:27:40 Come on now. Now give me some.

01:27:47 Dub, come on, give me two.

01:27:50 Close them up. There you go. Come on, Harry.

01:27:52 Come on, boy.

01:27:55 Easy, easy, easy.

01:27:56 Come on now, Clyde, give me some.

01:27:58 That's a strike. That's what I'm talking about.

01:28:00 Give me two.

01:28:02 Alright, G's.

01:28:04 Always, always, Nate, give me some.

01:28:06 That's a baby. Alright.

01:28:08 Look at me, though. Look at me.

01:28:14 Look at me, Spoonie G.

01:28:16 Come give me some, Spoonie G.

01:28:18 Come give me some.

01:28:20 Alright, you man.

01:28:22 Was it good, Shrek?

01:28:24 What's that on your mouth?

01:28:25 What's that on your mouth?

01:28:27 What's that on your mouth?

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