Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (TV Special 2020)

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Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given is a 2020 American stand-up comedy special by comedian Kevin Hart. According to Hart, the special would be "like no other" having "zero filter" and making "zero apologies." It was filmed in September 2020 in the living room of his home in Los Angeles.[1] In it, he touches on topics such as group chats with male friends, sex after 40, and dealing with life during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Transcript

00:00:00 ( music playing )

00:00:03 - Yo. - What's up?

00:00:18 I was looking all over the house for y'all.

00:00:20 We were just chilling.

00:00:21 I'm about to go downstairs and get some work done.

00:00:23 What up, champ?

00:00:24 - What, it's your own work? - No, no, no.

00:00:26 - Look at my eyes. - You're lying.

00:00:29 Finish your homework, man. Stop playing with me.

00:00:32 Zo, get Daddy too.

00:00:33 Uh, uh, give me a boom.

00:00:35 Boom, give me a head butt.

00:00:37 Mm, give me a kiss.

00:00:39 - Mm, love you. - Look at me.

00:00:40 - Give me a kiss. - Bye.

00:00:42 - Have you finished your work? - Yeah, for the most part.

00:00:44 - I'll see y'all when I come back up. - Bye.

00:00:46 - Bye. - Bye.

00:00:47 Bye, Dad.

00:00:48 Whoa.

00:00:55 Daddy about to have a good time.

00:00:57 Cute.

00:01:00 Coming in. Taste it.

00:01:01 Mm.

00:01:03 Hi-ya.

00:01:05 Yeah.

00:01:07 Hey.

00:01:09 Wow.

00:01:11 The goat legend.

00:01:13 Inspiration.

00:01:14 My man.

00:01:15 ( music playing )

00:01:17 ( tires screeching )

00:01:19 ♪ Rhea, make it mine ♪

00:01:21 Oh, so nice.

00:01:23 So nice.

00:01:25 Oh, man.

00:01:27 ( music playing )

00:01:29 Oh, thank you. Thank you.

00:01:31 Oh, thank you. Thank you.

00:01:36 ( music playing )

00:01:38 Much appreciated. Stop it.

00:01:40 Sit down.

00:01:42 Sit down.

00:01:44 I appreciate it. Thank you.

00:01:46 Hello. Hi.

00:01:48 ( cheering )

00:01:50 I can say hello. This is the first time I've been, like, this intimate with a crowd.

00:01:53 So I can say hello, and I can actually get a hello-like response back.

00:01:56 So I'm gonna say it again. Hello. How y'all doing? Good?

00:01:58 - Good. - That's good. I like it.

00:02:00 This feels right to me. This feels right.

00:02:04 I've been in a lot of different goddamn spaces to tell some jokes.

00:02:07 Been in fucking stadiums, arenas, theaters.

00:02:10 This right now feels right in the comfort of my own fucking home.

00:02:14 Thank you. Thank you.

00:02:17 Getting back to the basics.

00:02:20 Now I want to explain to you guys why I'm actually in my house.

00:02:23 We're here for a reason.

00:02:25 I'm no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house.

00:02:28 I'm being very fucking honest with you guys.

00:02:30 I am not comfortable anywhere except my house.

00:02:34 And it's for a lot of reasons.

00:02:36 I feel like we should get into those reasons.

00:02:38 Let's address the elephant in the room. Reason number one, COVID.

00:02:42 COVID.

00:02:44 Where you at right now? Where's your panic level?

00:02:46 High? You in the middle? You low?

00:02:48 Where you at? You can be honest. Let me know.

00:02:50 Middle? High? Low?

00:02:52 Kind of high? A little bit?

00:02:54 Newsflash. I had it!

00:02:56 That's right. I had the vid.

00:02:59 The vid 19 was in my system.

00:03:02 I had it in the beginning when it wasn't cool, when it wasn't a trend.

00:03:06 It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two.

00:03:10 I had to keep it a secret.

00:03:13 I kept it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am.

00:03:16 He would swallow my fucking announcement.

00:03:19 It's Forrest Gump. You're not gonna beat Forrest Gump.

00:03:22 No shot. No fucking shot I'm gonna beat Forrest Gump.

00:03:25 Now, if it was somebody lesser than,

00:03:27 I would have dropped that bitch in a heartbeat.

00:03:29 David Hasselhoff. Fuck David Hasselhoff.

00:03:32 Don't nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff.

00:03:34 Boom! Dropped it.

00:03:36 Kevin Hart's got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVid.

00:03:40 You know why I call it the vid?

00:03:42 'Cause the closest thing to AIDS.

00:03:44 It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS.

00:03:46 The vid. You got the vid.

00:03:48 Fuck, man. I got the vid.

00:03:50 You got the vid? Shit!

00:03:52 Praying for you. You got the fucking vid.

00:03:55 I didn't even know I had it.

00:03:57 I didn't even know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all.

00:04:00 No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing.

00:04:02 Now, my wife, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell.

00:04:05 She told me, she said, "Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested."

00:04:09 I said, "Well, we don't have a problem."

00:04:12 You got the fucking problem. Why do I have to get tested?

00:04:15 I can taste and smell funny.

00:04:17 Why the fuck do I got to get tested?

00:04:19 Made me call a doctor to the house.

00:04:21 Doctor came over to the house, tested both of us,

00:04:23 said, "You guys are both positive."

00:04:25 I said, "Bullshit! Bullshit!

00:04:28 "No way I'm fucking positive.

00:04:30 "I immediately touch my nose twice. Ah! Ah!

00:04:33 "Can I do that? If I had the vid,

00:04:35 "can I fucking do this two times in a row?"

00:04:37 Can't touch your fucking nose with the vid.

00:04:39 Everybody knows that.

00:04:41 Said, "Mr. Hart, I'm very serious. You're positive."

00:04:44 This caused an uproar in my house.

00:04:46 This caused an uproar in my household immediately.

00:04:48 Me and my wife start going at each other's throats.

00:04:51 "Who the fuck brought the vid up in this house?

00:04:54 "Who was it?"

00:04:56 Got to see how we felt about each other's friends.

00:04:59 "It was that nasty bitch Pam you always hanging with.

00:05:01 "That's who did it.

00:05:03 "Dirty foot bitch. Her feet dirty.

00:05:05 "She tracked the vid all through the goddamn house.

00:05:08 "Dirty foot Pam did it.

00:05:10 "Got the fucking vid all in this goddamn house.

00:05:13 "Washed the carpets immediately.

00:05:15 "Doctor, calm me down. Calm down, Kevin.

00:05:19 "It'll pass. Take 10 or 14 days.

00:05:21 "Relax. Chill out. Drink some tea."

00:05:24 That's what the doctor told me to my fucking face.

00:05:27 "Drink some tea. Are you kidding me?

00:05:30 "I got the fucking vid, Doc.

00:05:32 "What the hell is tea gonna do for me?

00:05:35 "Where's my ventilator?" That's what I said.

00:05:37 "Where is it? I'm supposed to get a ventilator.

00:05:39 "Everybody knows that.

00:05:41 "You get a ventilator with the vid.

00:05:43 "That's what they say in the blogs.

00:05:45 "You'll be fine, Mr. Hart. You'll be fine."

00:05:49 When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered.

00:05:52 Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning.

00:05:54 Oh, my God.

00:05:56 When it first hit, oh, my fucking God,

00:05:59 I didn't know what to do.

00:06:00 I went and put gas in all the fucking cars.

00:06:04 You got to be able to escape

00:06:06 these motherfuckers turning into zombies out here.

00:06:08 I'm scared.

00:06:10 Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find.

00:06:12 I still don't know why we went on this toilet paper kick.

00:06:15 What was so special about toilet paper?

00:06:17 Nobody told me.

00:06:18 Did the vid make you shit?

00:06:20 What was it? What?

00:06:22 We bought all the fucking toilet paper.

00:06:24 Dry noodles, I got it all.

00:06:27 The mask, I went crazy with the mask.

00:06:30 In the beginning, I didn't know what mask to buy.

00:06:32 I had a regular mask.

00:06:33 My friend told me, "Hey, man, that ain't the right mask.

00:06:36 "The vid gonna get through that mask.

00:06:39 "That mask ain't gonna protect you against the vid."

00:06:41 Fuck!

00:06:42 Are you serious? I'm serious, man.

00:06:44 You got to get the N95s.

00:06:46 Oh, shit.

00:06:47 Went on a website.

00:06:48 I bought every N95 I saw.

00:06:51 I spent 20 grand on N95s.

00:06:55 Went outside the day after I saw a nigger

00:06:57 with a titty cup on his face.

00:06:59 Wasn't even a... with a bra strap.

00:07:02 What the fuck? That's not an N95.

00:07:04 That's an A-cup bra.

00:07:06 What the hell just happened?

00:07:07 He didn't spend 20 grand on that.

00:07:09 No way.

00:07:10 Somebody juke me, man.

00:07:12 My wife told me flat out, "Babe, you know what?

00:07:15 "This whole thing is messing with your head.

00:07:17 "You got to get out this house.

00:07:18 "You got to get out the house."

00:07:20 I said, "There is nothing outside this house for me.

00:07:23 "Nothing.

00:07:24 "There's no reason for me to go outside this house.

00:07:27 "No shot.

00:07:28 "The things that are outside this house,

00:07:30 I have no interest in.

00:07:31 "There's people out there.

00:07:33 I don't like people."

00:07:34 I said it.

00:07:36 Cat's out the bag.

00:07:37 I don't fucking like people anymore.

00:07:39 You won. You beat me up.

00:07:41 You fucking won, man.

00:07:43 You know how?

00:07:44 Because you guys have managed to fuck up

00:07:46 the best job in the world, man.

00:07:48 At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after

00:07:51 and best job on the fucking planet.

00:07:53 If you didn't have it, you wanted a piece of it.

00:07:56 You wanted to taste a little bit of it.

00:07:58 I got it. I got to the highest level of it,

00:08:00 and then you fucked me.

00:08:01 Oh, you fucked me good.

00:08:03 Oh, this generation fucked me good.

00:08:07 Everything's got to be compromised.

00:08:09 Everything's got to be videoed in this generation.

00:08:11 If it's not on video, it never happened.

00:08:13 That's how this generation lives.

00:08:15 Let me tell you guys the scariest thing

00:08:17 that you could do to a black man in 1986

00:08:19 if you were the cops or the feds.

00:08:21 Scariest thing that you could do is tell a black man

00:08:24 that you had him on tape.

00:08:27 If the feds came up to you and said,

00:08:29 "We got your ass on tape, you're going to jail,"

00:08:31 he'd shit himself.

00:08:32 "What? Who? Me?

00:08:34 "On tape?

00:08:36 "Oh!" He'd start crying.

00:08:38 "Aah!

00:08:40 "I'm on fucking tape!

00:08:42 "Aah!"

00:08:44 "All y'all going to fucking jail.

00:08:46 "We got all y'all on tape."

00:08:48 He'd tell all his friends, "Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.

00:08:51 "They got us. Anthony, you too.

00:08:53 "They got us all on tape.

00:08:55 "We going to jail, apparently.

00:08:57 "We're going to fucking jail.

00:08:59 "Aah!

00:09:01 "We on tape."

00:09:02 That's all the feds had to say.

00:09:04 "Got your ass on tape."

00:09:06 Scariest thing you could do.

00:09:10 You guys don't even realize that you're the feds for free.

00:09:14 You're not even getting paid for fucking free.

00:09:17 You're just telling on people all goddamn day.

00:09:20 It's a bunch of walking fucking snitches.

00:09:22 It's disgusting.

00:09:24 It's disgusting.

00:09:26 I went to McDonald's. This is a true story.

00:09:29 I go to McDonald's. I'm at the drive-thru, right?

00:09:32 I want a Big Mac meal. I haven't had a Big Mac in the longest time.

00:09:35 I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.

00:09:38 Oh, my God, I can't wait to get this Big Mac.

00:09:40 I get the Big Mac. I'm so excited.

00:09:42 I pull over in the McDonald's parking lot.

00:09:44 I start fucking the Big Mac up.

00:09:46 Smashing it all over my face, everything.

00:09:49 I'm happy as hell.

00:09:51 I turn to my left. It's a woman outside the window taping me.

00:09:54 She said, "Got your ass."

00:09:56 I got nervous. "What the fuck is you doing, lady?"

00:09:59 She said, "Mm-mm, but I got your ass."

00:10:02 "What the fuck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?"

00:10:06 I'm so nervous, I drop the burger. I just dropped the fucking burger.

00:10:10 I grabbed my phone. I went to Twitter.

00:10:13 I issued an apology via social media.

00:10:16 I said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

00:10:19 The reason why I apologized is 'cause two days earlier,

00:10:22 I announced that I was going plant-based full-time.

00:10:25 I just said it.

00:10:27 This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment.

00:10:31 I had to issue an apology to the plant-based community.

00:10:35 Became an ally.

00:10:37 Made a donation. Was a part of a protest.

00:10:40 I had to do what I could.

00:10:42 Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot.

00:10:46 I don't like what you guys have made me become, man.

00:10:49 I don't like it. I'm no longer comfortable.

00:10:52 You switched it on me. Fuck.

00:10:55 You switched it on me, man.

00:10:57 For the longest time, celebrities looked at people

00:11:00 as the weird people.

00:11:02 That motherfuckers get weird sometimes, man.

00:11:04 People get weird. That's how we looked at people.

00:11:06 You switched it. We're the weird people now.

00:11:09 You look at us like, "What the fuck is wrong with him?

00:11:11 "We're the weird people."

00:11:13 I don't know how to fucking act in public.

00:11:15 Hey, man, why you staring at me? What's going on, man?

00:11:17 I think everybody knows. Get your hands out your pockets.

00:11:20 What's happening, man? Come on.

00:11:22 What the fuck you about to do to me, man? You about to eat me, ain't you?

00:11:25 What the fuck are you talking about, Kevin?

00:11:27 Ain't nobody worried about your ass?

00:11:29 Oh, shit, look at that guy's looking at me in his goddamn glasses, man.

00:11:32 I know somebody that thinks I'm dinner when I see it.

00:11:34 They're trying to eat me up in here.

00:11:36 Making crazy accusations all over the fucking place.

00:11:39 Losing my mind.

00:11:41 Going crazy.

00:11:43 You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer.

00:11:46 It's a true story.

00:11:48 True story. That was a time where if you wanted to come over to my house

00:11:51 and talk to me, you had to get naked, get in the fucking pool.

00:11:54 House where I know that you're not wearing a wire.

00:11:56 Who you with? E? People?

00:11:58 Who the fuck is you with?

00:12:00 People here for the story for the tabloids? I don't trust you, Dad.

00:12:03 I'm your father. Shut up, bitch.

00:12:06 You've been talking too, Dad. Get in the pool.

00:12:09 Finish this conversation in six feet.

00:12:12 Switch that. Four. Go to four feet.

00:12:14 I can't see. Go to four.

00:12:16 This is where I am.

00:12:20 This is where I am.

00:12:23 My wife says the same things. Honey, you're getting old.

00:12:26 You're getting angry. You're getting irritable.

00:12:28 You need to get out and get back to yourself.

00:12:30 You need to get back to your ways of old.

00:12:32 You can't live like this.

00:12:34 I decided to start doing stand-up again.

00:12:36 I said, "Baby, you're right. I need to go

00:12:38 and start doing fucking stand-up comedy again."

00:12:40 That's how I get back to myself.

00:12:42 That's how I get back to me.

00:12:44 I told my friends--

00:12:46 I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again.

00:12:48 They said, "What you gonna talk about, Kev?

00:12:50 You gonna talk about your wife and your kids again?"

00:12:52 I said, "What else do I have?

00:12:54 I don't have nothing else.

00:12:56 All my bitches left after the sex tape.

00:12:58 Every bitch I had left.

00:13:00 Every one of 'em.

00:13:02 Where you going, Lorraine, Gladys, Pearl?

00:13:05 Where you going?"

00:13:07 These are older names, 'cause I had older bitches at the time.

00:13:10 These is...

00:13:12 "Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man.

00:13:15 Don't do this to me.

00:13:17 Magnus, come on, please.

00:13:19 Please don't do this.

00:13:21 Loretta, you can't leave. Come on."

00:13:24 What else do I have?

00:13:29 I have to.

00:13:31 Talking about my kids is a must, man.

00:13:33 It's a must. They're a part of my everyday life.

00:13:35 I don't know what else to talk about

00:13:38 outside of the things that I go through on a daily.

00:13:40 My kids are with me on a daily.

00:13:43 Two teenagers, one three-year-old,

00:13:45 a baby that could be here any day now.

00:13:47 Any day. Any fucking day now.

00:13:49 (applause)

00:13:51 I'm about to throw these balls in the trash.

00:13:53 I ain't having no more fucking babies.

00:13:55 I'm gonna roof these balls after this fucking baby come.

00:13:57 I'm gonna take both balls, throw 'em on the fucking roof.

00:14:00 You can kiss my ass.

00:14:02 Take another child that's coming out of these fucking balls.

00:14:04 I promise you that. You a fucking liar.

00:14:06 You say it's my baby. Balls in the trash after this baby.

00:14:09 My daughter and I are closer than we ever been, man.

00:14:13 My daughter's boy crazy.

00:14:15 Boy crazy.

00:14:17 Once again, I gotta act like I like it.

00:14:19 I don't. But you gotta act like you do.

00:14:21 I love this. I love that in my specials,

00:14:23 you get to see-- you get to see the growth of my fucking kids.

00:14:27 You see their development.

00:14:29 They're getting older, man.

00:14:31 Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt to go to her school.

00:14:33 "Dad, I like this boy named Matt.

00:14:35 "Oh, my God, he's so cute. He makes me laugh.

00:14:38 I want him." What the fuck does that mean?

00:14:41 What does that mean?

00:14:43 "I want him." What the fuck are you saying, little girl?

00:14:47 Should I tell him? If that's how you feel, honey, tell him.

00:14:50 My daughter goes to school, tells the boy how she feels.

00:14:52 She comes home. "Dad, oh, my God, guess what?

00:14:54 "Matt likes me back. We're a thing.

00:14:56 "Good for you, honey. That makes me happy.

00:14:58 "Do me a favor. Keep it in the kids' face, though."

00:15:00 "Okay, Dad."

00:15:02 She comes back home two days later.

00:15:04 "Dad, I don't like Matt no more.

00:15:06 I like this boy named Rob now.

00:15:08 "He look better. He make me laugh more.

00:15:10 That's who I really want." It happens, honey.

00:15:12 Sometimes you think you like somebody,

00:15:14 then you meet somebody else and you realize

00:15:16 that's the person that you liked all along.

00:15:18 It's called life.

00:15:20 Make it happen, move on, be honest with the other person.

00:15:23 "All right, Dad, I love you. Keep it in the kids' face."

00:15:26 A week goes by. "Dad, I don't like Rob no more.

00:15:29 I like this boy named Tim."

00:15:31 Instantly, in my mind, I send my daughter a ho.

00:15:34 This is ho shit.

00:15:36 This is ho shit.

00:15:38 Ho activity right in front of my face.

00:15:41 I immediately called the ho that I knew from the past.

00:15:45 Asked her if this is how it went down for her.

00:15:48 Three boys back-to-back. She said, "Yep, the same way."

00:15:51 Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.

00:15:54 What the fuck is happening?

00:15:56 My baby plucking balls? I got to save her.

00:15:59 What I really got to do is see these boys.

00:16:01 Went to the school. I just wanted to see 'em.

00:16:03 I wanted to see what they look like.

00:16:05 I saw 'em. Saw Matt first.

00:16:07 Gotta be honest. Charming little kid.

00:16:09 Personality was out of this world.

00:16:11 I see why she likes Matt.

00:16:13 I see it. I get it.

00:16:15 Charming little boy. I get it.

00:16:17 Personality, funny guy.

00:16:19 I see why you like Matt. I get it.

00:16:22 Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in.

00:16:25 I didn't look at Matt again. I-I forgot all about Matt.

00:16:28 Who the fuck is Matt? Rob had a different thing.

00:16:31 Personality popped.

00:16:33 Had a bunch of pizzazz. Flair.

00:16:35 Used his hands a lot when he talked.

00:16:38 This kid's got something.

00:16:40 I see why she don't like fucking Matt.

00:16:43 Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants.

00:16:46 With some Heelys. You know how confident you got to be

00:16:49 to wear leather pants in high school?

00:16:51 He was a black kid with leather pants.

00:16:53 There's no black kid that I've ever heard about

00:16:55 that ever wear leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz.

00:16:57 That's the only black man.

00:16:59 And it's a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age.

00:17:02 Tim had Heelys on. Just slid through the fucking room.

00:17:05 Jesus Christ, man.

00:17:07 Cigarettes under his arms.

00:17:09 I said, "Do you smoke?" He said, "It's just a look."

00:17:11 As he was gliding by me. That's...

00:17:13 Fuck. These kids today are different.

00:17:16 My son and my daughter, man, they're on two different pages.

00:17:19 Shit makes me laugh. Always have been.

00:17:21 Always have been. Two completely different pages.

00:17:23 My son is... He's what you call...

00:17:25 What do they call it today? What do the kids call it today?

00:17:28 When the kids are... What? Dumb. There it is.

00:17:30 I got it. Dumb.

00:17:32 Struggling academically.

00:17:34 I know you guys are like, "Don't call your kid dumb.

00:17:36 Why not? It's mine."

00:17:38 (laughter)

00:17:39 Chip off the old fucking block.

00:17:41 It's not like I'm standing up here as a smart-ass man.

00:17:43 I was dumb as shit, too.

00:17:45 Worked out for fucking me.

00:17:47 So far, dumb is the right way to go in my household.

00:17:49 It's the right way to go.

00:17:51 They in the piss of me,

00:17:53 the office of school constantly calls me

00:17:55 to remind me of my son's educational problems.

00:17:59 "Mr. Hardy failed another test.

00:18:01 "Mr. Hardy's grades are dropping.

00:18:03 "Want to discuss your son's grades?

00:18:05 "They continue to drop."

00:18:07 I'm like, "Snap, don't fucking call me no more.

00:18:09 "Don't call me about his grades no more.

00:18:11 Call him. Call him. That's his problem.

00:18:13 It's not my fucking problem.

00:18:15 Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I'm successful.

00:18:18 I'm not going to school again.

00:18:20 He needs to fucking pass that class, not me.

00:18:22 Call him.

00:18:24 Private schools, man. Private schools got this weird thing.

00:18:27 I'm not that much of a fan of private schools.

00:18:29 I'll be honest.

00:18:31 I am not a fan of private schools at all.

00:18:33 Yes, my kids attend private schools.

00:18:35 I'm not a fan of it.

00:18:37 I feel like private schools protect kids from reality.

00:18:40 They protect you.

00:18:42 They protect you from fucking reality.

00:18:45 Private schools... private schools breed bitches.

00:18:47 That's how I feel. I said it.

00:18:49 I said it. I'm not taking it back.

00:18:51 That's how I fucking feel. Private schools breed bitches.

00:18:55 I'm in my fucking comfort zone. I'm gonna let it fly today.

00:18:58 Everything that I fucking feel, I'm gonna say.

00:19:00 You ever see a grown-ass man get punched in the face

00:19:03 in a private school?

00:19:05 He immediately looks for a teacher.

00:19:07 (panting)

00:19:09 He gives you five of these.

00:19:16 "I don't know."

00:19:18 Looking for somebody to tell him why.

00:19:20 "I don't know. Why? What...

00:19:22 We got to have an arbitration. When's the meeting?"

00:19:24 Public schools, now that's different.

00:19:26 Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the fuck up.

00:19:29 You got no choice but to grow up in public schools.

00:19:31 It's a pot of fucked shit. They just throw you in it.

00:19:34 They just throw you in it.

00:19:36 Nobody prepares you for the shit that you gonna see.

00:19:38 I saw my first white person in public school.

00:19:42 I didn't know what the fuck it was.

00:19:44 It was the only one there.

00:19:46 What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ.

00:19:48 I thought it was somebody from Star Wars.

00:19:50 That's a storm trooper.

00:19:52 That's a fucking storm trooper right there.

00:19:54 Just a white person walking down the hall.

00:19:57 I was making the noises.

00:19:59 (imitates storm trooper)

00:20:01 It's a fucking storm trooper. No?

00:20:04 No, man, that's a white person.

00:20:06 I ain't never known. They didn't tell me what it was.

00:20:09 Public school throws you into a pot of fucked shit.

00:20:12 Everything is there.

00:20:14 White people, black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican.

00:20:17 Fat, skinny, gay, straight.

00:20:19 Dirty, clean. It's all there.

00:20:22 They just push you in. You got to figure it out.

00:20:25 Kids are scared.

00:20:27 (whimpers)

00:20:29 They run straight to the teacher.

00:20:33 "I'm scared. Help." The teacher, "Answer me, too, bitch."

00:20:36 Walk through the same metal detectors.

00:20:40 You don't think I'm fucking scared?

00:20:42 It's just you keep your back against the locker,

00:20:44 keep your head on the swivel. What?

00:20:46 Get you some mates, put it in a plastic bottle like this,

00:20:48 gush it at 'em. That's what I do. Gush it.

00:20:51 I don't feel like my kids' private school

00:20:54 respects my level of celebrity.

00:20:56 I don't. I really don't.

00:20:58 I mean this. I swear to God, it's not playing.

00:21:00 I told you, I'm gonna be very honest.

00:21:02 It's my fucking household. I'm not holding back.

00:21:04 They don't respect my level of celebrity.

00:21:08 I'm a very humble guy.

00:21:10 May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am.

00:21:15 I'm a very humble guy.

00:21:17 What's understood doesn't need to be said.

00:21:19 You know who I am, and I know you know who the fuck I am.

00:21:22 Don't make me say who I am.

00:21:24 They put me in a position to have to say who I am.

00:21:28 I go drop my kids off at the school,

00:21:30 teachers come running out, surround my car.

00:21:32 "Mr. Hart, we would love to talk to you for a second.

00:21:35 "The big fair is coming up.

00:21:37 "We do this fair once a year at the school.

00:21:40 "We would love it if you would be the greeter

00:21:43 at this year's fair."

00:21:45 (laughter)

00:21:47 I gave her a lot of time for her to say, "I'm bullshitting."

00:21:58 She never said it.

00:22:00 Said, "Are you fucking kidding me?

00:22:02 "No, Mr. Hart, it's our biggest fair.

00:22:04 "We would love it if you would be the greeter.

00:22:06 "We think you would make an amazing greeter

00:22:08 at this year's fair."

00:22:10 Now, before I go on with the rest of this joke,

00:22:12 I want to make something perfectly clear.

00:22:14 I'm not doing anything against greeters.

00:22:17 Okay? I don't want to tell this joke

00:22:19 and walk outside my house, and there's a group of y'all

00:22:21 with signs up talking about cancel Kevin Hart

00:22:23 'cause he don't respect greeters.

00:22:25 "Cancel Kevin Hart 'cause he don't respect the greet."

00:22:28 Greeters are amazing people.

00:22:30 The job is actually required. I get it.

00:22:33 I've actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time.

00:22:37 I went to Walmart.

00:22:39 I got hit with a greeting so fucking fantastic one time,

00:22:41 I don't even know where he came from.

00:22:43 I'm a POV.

00:22:45 I walked in, he was like, "Welcome to Walmart.

00:22:47 "You here to get you some stuff?"

00:22:49 I said, "What the fuck? Where did you come from, man?"

00:22:52 He's like, "You better get you some stuff.

00:22:54 We rolling back prices."

00:22:56 Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked off the way.

00:22:58 I said, "What the fuck just happened?

00:23:00 What just happened here?"

00:23:02 I was so blown away by the greeting,

00:23:04 not only did I go get me some stuff,

00:23:06 I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out.

00:23:10 I want him to see my stuff.

00:23:12 Hey! Come here, man.

00:23:14 Hey! Come here, I want to show you my stuff.

00:23:18 He came over, I opened my bag, he was like, "Ooh!"

00:23:22 He said, "Ooh!

00:23:28 "You got you some good stuff."

00:23:31 Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt

00:23:33 so people knew I didn't steal.

00:23:35 He said, "You got to make sure you come back and see me again."

00:23:38 I said, "Are you gonna be here?"

00:23:41 He said, "If I'm not, who will?"

00:23:43 Moonwalked out the way again. I said, "What the fuck?"

00:23:46 That's one of the best goddamn greetings I've ever seen, man.

00:23:49 Of course I'm gonna come back and see you again.

00:23:52 I'm not shitting on greeters.

00:23:54 I'm just saying I didn't have to go that route.

00:23:57 I went around that to get to my success.

00:24:01 You don't come to me and ask me to be the fucking greeter.

00:24:04 I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time.

00:24:08 I was on the side of fucking buses.

00:24:10 You don't ask me to be the greeter.

00:24:13 There's other parents that got kids that go there

00:24:16 that are former actors and actresses

00:24:18 that you could've fucking asked.

00:24:20 Carlton from "The First Prince."

00:24:22 Alfonso, that's your greeter. This right here?

00:24:25 That's what you want at the fucking front? That's your greeter?

00:24:29 Terry Crews, he got kids that go there.

00:24:31 That's your greeter. That poppin' at the front.

00:24:33 "Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:24:37 "Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?"

00:24:39 "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."

00:24:41 What a combination. Parents would've went crazy.

00:24:43 "Whoa! What a school!

00:24:46 "I want tickets. I'm gonna buy every ticket I can.

00:24:49 "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."

00:24:51 Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing.

00:24:55 My wife said what she normally says.

00:24:58 "Kevin, you need to calm down.

00:25:00 "You need to get yourself together, Kevin.

00:25:02 "You're getting older, you're getting more irritable,

00:25:04 "and you don't want that energy to rub off on your kids.

00:25:07 "It's not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids.

00:25:10 "I know it's not gonna rub off on my kids."

00:25:12 You know, this pandemic actually gave me a chance

00:25:14 to spend a lot of time with my kids.

00:25:16 A lot of fucking time with my kids.

00:25:18 For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled.

00:25:20 They're a little spoiled.

00:25:22 But it's not about choice. It's about circumstances.

00:25:24 I have good kids. My kids are great fucking kids.

00:25:27 I gotta be honest, man. I got very lucky.

00:25:29 I got great kids.

00:25:31 But because of their circumstances,

00:25:33 they're a little spoiled.

00:25:35 For example, my kids have been flying private

00:25:37 since they've been born. They didn't ask for that.

00:25:39 They were born into that. They only travel with me.

00:25:42 The first time they traveled outside of me

00:25:44 was during this pandemic with my ex-wife.

00:25:46 Went back to Philadelphia with their mom

00:25:48 to go see their grandma.

00:25:50 My kids called me from the airport.

00:25:52 You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad.

00:25:54 I've never seen a higher level of panic in my fucking life.

00:25:58 Called me from the airport.

00:26:00 "Dad! What's happening?"

00:26:03 My daughter was like, "They're taking my lotions and my toothpaste.

00:26:06 "What am I supposed to do?"

00:26:08 "They're making me walk through metal."

00:26:12 My son snatched the phone. "What the fuck is going on, Dad?"

00:26:15 "They won't let me take my bags on the plane.

00:26:17 "They said I can't take my backpacks and my pulleys and my duffies.

00:26:20 "Saying I gotta put my games underneath.

00:26:22 "Well, how am I gonna play them, Dad?"

00:26:24 I told them both, "Relax. Stop it.

00:26:28 "Stop.

00:26:30 "Both of you.

00:26:32 "Both of you.

00:26:34 "It's called security.

00:26:36 "It's called TSA, okay?

00:26:39 "This is called life with your mother, all right?

00:26:42 "There's a difference.

00:26:44 "There's a drop-off. It's all right.

00:26:47 "Things change.

00:26:49 "It's okay.

00:26:51 "You'll both be fine."

00:26:53 I overlooked some of the things that I do

00:26:55 because I never thought twice about them.

00:26:57 Me and my kids go to the amusement park.

00:26:59 We do the whole park.

00:27:01 The whole fucking park, man, 30, 40 minutes.

00:27:04 How? Well, I call ahead.

00:27:06 There's a concierge they assign to me.

00:27:08 I get to the park. The concierge walks me and my family

00:27:10 up to the front of every single ride.

00:27:12 Done it for years.

00:27:14 Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, "Listen, this is earned.

00:27:17 "It's not given. This doesn't just happen.

00:27:20 "Your father worked hard to be able to walk

00:27:22 to the front of these fucking lines.

00:27:24 "There's rules that go with this.

00:27:26 "You don't just walk to the front of the line.

00:27:28 "Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line,

00:27:30 "you do not make eye contact

00:27:32 with none of these fucking people in this line.

00:27:34 You hear me?

00:27:36 You keep your eyes straight ahead,

00:27:38 and you don't fucking look left or right

00:27:41 until we get to the front of the line.

00:27:43 These people are gonna say things.

00:27:45 They're gonna say a lot of mean things

00:27:47 about me, you. You just ignore 'em.

00:27:49 Fucking ignore 'em, because guess what?

00:27:51 When we're in our car and we're headed home,

00:27:53 we're never gonna see these people again.

00:27:55 You know where these people are gonna be?

00:27:57 They're still gonna be in that fucking line, to be honest with you.

00:28:00 They're still gonna be in the fucking line.

00:28:02 And that's reality.

00:28:04 My kids processed that. They understood it.

00:28:09 For years, this is how we operated.

00:28:11 They called me from the amusement park.

00:28:13 They were with their cousins.

00:28:15 They FaceTimed me.

00:28:17 I answered the FaceTime. I could tell.

00:28:19 I could tell that they were weak, malnourished.

00:28:21 They haven't eaten in hours. I could tell.

00:28:23 They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths.

00:28:26 They could barely stand.

00:28:28 "Ah! Ah!"

00:28:31 "Dad!

00:28:35 "We've been in line for hours.

00:28:37 "We haven't rode anything.

00:28:40 "We got the FastPass, but it's not fast at all.

00:28:43 "Can you call somebody? Can you do something?"

00:28:49 "Who you with? Who are you with?"

00:28:51 "My cousins." "Is your mother there?"

00:28:53 "Yes." "Put your mom on the phone.

00:28:55 "Let me talk to your mom." "Get in the car."

00:28:57 "Get your mom on the phone." She said, "Hey, what's up, Kev?"

00:29:00 "Hey. Checkmate, bitch. I hung up the phone. Bye."

00:29:03 (laughter)

00:29:05 "Let's quit."

00:29:07 I haven't went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet.

00:29:10 I just want to let you guys know.

00:29:12 These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to them.

00:29:15 I know they are.

00:29:17 Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something.

00:29:19 Something's got to happen.

00:29:21 It's just a good fucking joke. Those are two good jokes.

00:29:23 I can't get rid of 'em.

00:29:25 I thought about those jokes for a long time.

00:29:28 I was like, "I got to let 'em fly. It's worth the consequence."

00:29:31 See if I can send her a couple text messages after this tape

00:29:34 and see how she feels.

00:29:36 (laughter)

00:29:38 My wife says the same thing all the time.

00:29:40 Once again, "Kev, you're getting older.

00:29:42 "Getting angry. Irritable."

00:29:44 I'm here to tell you I am getting older.

00:29:46 41 now, God.

00:29:48 (cheers and applause)

00:29:49 I know, right?

00:29:51 Where does time go?

00:29:53 I was just 22 years old, man.

00:29:55 You do not realize how fast time flies.

00:29:58 When you look back at all those comedy specials on the wall,

00:30:00 that's a timeline of my fucking life.

00:30:02 That's damn near 16 years of comedy, man.

00:30:05 16 fucking years of comedy.

00:30:07 Like, it's insane.

00:30:09 41.

00:30:11 What happened?

00:30:13 Shit changes at the age 40.

00:30:15 You hear about it, but you don't believe it.

00:30:17 Things do change.

00:30:18 I'm here to tell you, shit does change.

00:30:21 Biggest change for me after the age 40,

00:30:23 my balls dropped.

00:30:24 I got some lint.

00:30:26 Got some fucking lint on my balls.

00:30:28 I didn't ask for it.

00:30:29 Just happened.

00:30:30 I didn't even know.

00:30:31 I was in the kitchen, bent over to pick something up.

00:30:33 My wife was like, "Why you got dice in your back pocket?"

00:30:35 I ain't got no fucking dice in my back pocket.

00:30:37 Touched my back pocket.

00:30:38 "Oh, it's my balls. Goddamn.

00:30:40 "I got--it's my fucking balls.

00:30:42 "How'd my balls get in my back pocket?

00:30:44 "What the fuck just happened to me?

00:30:46 How long was I asleep?

00:30:48 "You stretched me out while I was asleep."

00:30:51 The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man.

00:30:57 I am okay.

00:30:59 I'm very serious, man. I am okay.

00:31:01 I don't need to do much.

00:31:02 I love being in the fucking house.

00:31:05 I actually built the house.

00:31:07 I thought me and my wife built the house

00:31:09 because that's where we wanted to stay.

00:31:10 We wanted to stay in this fucking house.

00:31:12 Let's build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it.

00:31:15 Women got a problem with doing this thing.

00:31:17 They got a problem with doing this thing

00:31:19 called sitting the fuck down.

00:31:21 It's very difficult for women to sit the fuck down.

00:31:27 Sit the fuck down.

00:31:30 It's a task for women.

00:31:32 A woman's favorite line, "Let's go do some stuff."

00:31:36 What stuff? "Mm-mm, something."

00:31:39 What the fuck are you saying?

00:31:41 Something.

00:31:42 Something.

00:31:44 A bunch of men that's--a bunch of men rejoicing.

00:31:47 Something. I don't know.

00:31:49 Something.

00:31:51 You know what my wife's biggest problem is?

00:31:53 Chasing her past.

00:31:55 Trying to redo what she did when she was younger.

00:31:57 Ladies, I'm here to give you a personal message.

00:31:59 It's okay to get old.

00:32:01 There's nothing wrong with getting old.

00:32:04 There's nothing wrong with it.

00:32:06 Stop fighting old age.

00:32:09 The beauty of getting old is that you get to look back

00:32:11 and realize all the dope shit that you overcame

00:32:14 and that you did when you were younger.

00:32:16 That's dope.

00:32:18 Stop trying to run from that.

00:32:21 Stop trying to redo that.

00:32:23 It's over.

00:32:24 It's fucking over.

00:32:26 She told me the other day--she was like,

00:32:28 "Babe, we should go out tonight.

00:32:29 We should get fucked up."

00:32:32 I said, "Absolutely not. No.

00:32:34 Why would I do that? No.

00:32:36 It hurts. It fucking hurts now.

00:32:39 Taking a shot, I get stuck in my chest

00:32:41 for three to five fucking minutes.

00:32:43 My left side shut down.

00:32:45 I get to shaking and shit.

00:32:47 I got a fart or shit. I don't know.

00:32:49 It's one of them. Something's happening.

00:32:51 Making dumbass faces.

00:32:53 I described this to my wife in great detail.

00:32:56 You know what her answer was?

00:32:58 "You don't never want to have fun with me."

00:33:01 I said, "Bitch, I just described a stroke to you.

00:33:04 That's a stroke.

00:33:06 That's a legal stroke. I'm shutting down.

00:33:09 You don't want to have fun with me.

00:33:11 You don't never want to do stuff."

00:33:15 After the age of 40, you know what, man?

00:33:17 You lose a high level of care.

00:33:19 I don't really give a fuck.

00:33:21 Like, my wife want to go out. I don't.

00:33:23 You go, honey. I don't give a fuck.

00:33:25 I'm serious. I don't give a fuck what you do.

00:33:27 That's not in a malicious or angry way.

00:33:29 I'm serious. I don't give a fuck. Go.

00:33:31 Have a good time. Go.

00:33:33 Ladies, you don't know how to not give a fuck.

00:33:36 That's your problem.

00:33:38 If you guys can match a man's not-give-a-fuck energy,

00:33:41 oh, my God, the world would be a better place.

00:33:43 It'd be a better place.

00:33:45 You don't know how to not give a fuck.

00:33:47 You're always searching for a fuck 'cause you just...

00:33:50 You can't--you don't process it.

00:33:52 You can't figure it out.

00:33:54 I'm gonna tell you a problem, ladies,

00:33:56 and I want you to listen closely.

00:33:58 Here's what makes a woman really mad.

00:34:01 You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction

00:34:05 that you feel that you would give him.

00:34:08 I'm gonna say it again.

00:34:11 Ladies, you get upset

00:34:13 if a man does not give you the reaction

00:34:16 that you feel that you would give him.

00:34:20 Hence why you're always searching for a give-a-fuck.

00:34:24 'Cause on the other side, you're like, "I would give a fuck.

00:34:28 So you should give a fuck."

00:34:30 That's why you search for give-a-fucks.

00:34:33 My wife constantly search for him.

00:34:35 She wants to go out, go out.

00:34:37 She can't just leave.

00:34:39 "All right, babe, I'm going out."

00:34:41 "Cool."

00:34:44 "Me and the girls." "Got it."

00:34:47 "We probably getting fucked up tonight."

00:34:49 "Do you?"

00:34:52 "I don't know what time we coming back."

00:34:54 "I'll be asleep either way. It's fine."

00:34:57 Searching for give-a-fucks.

00:34:59 There are no give-a-fucks. Go!

00:35:02 I'm excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button.

00:35:05 I don't give a fuck. Go!

00:35:10 It can't do it.

00:35:13 Hence you want the same for men.

00:35:15 You don't understand, first and foremost,

00:35:17 stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you.

00:35:20 If a man goes out and he's over 40 years old,

00:35:22 I'm here to tell you there is no plan attached to that.

00:35:25 There is no fucking agenda.

00:35:27 There's no schedule.

00:35:29 Stop asking questions because we don't have the answers.

00:35:32 Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on

00:35:34 because of men and the things they did in the past.

00:35:36 I'm guilty of it.

00:35:38 It goes away. It goes away.

00:35:40 We don't give a fuck about shit. We don't care.

00:35:43 Stop looking for shit.

00:35:45 I told her the one time I said I was going out.

00:35:48 "Babe, I'm going out. Where you going?"

00:35:50 "I don't even know yet."

00:35:52 "Who going with you?" "Whoever come, I guess. I don't know."

00:35:55 "What y'all gonna do?" "I'm trying to figure it out now.

00:35:58 "I don't know. What are we doing?"

00:36:00 "Y'all gonna eat?" "I hope so. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten."

00:36:03 "What time you getting back?" "Whatever time we done."

00:36:06 "What the fuck is going on here?"

00:36:08 "Am I getting graded? What is this? I don't have the answers."

00:36:11 "I'm failing miserably. Stop asking me questions."

00:36:14 I can't fucking deal with it.

00:36:16 There's a high level of insecurity sometimes

00:36:19 that's not worth you having, ladies.

00:36:22 We got into an argument one time.

00:36:24 Got into a fucking argument. Two reasons.

00:36:26 First of all, she asked me this big question.

00:36:28 I had to explain to her that I didn't know.

00:36:30 Tell you another secret, ladies.

00:36:32 After men say we going out, we actually meet in a parking lot.

00:36:35 And try to figure out what the fuck we doing.

00:36:37 We actually have another meeting ourselves.

00:36:39 So what's the plan? I don't know. I thought you had it.

00:36:42 I didn't have it. I thought you did it.

00:36:44 Nobody got a fucking plan? I'm out.

00:36:46 I'm not gonna stay here and do this shit.

00:36:48 I'll go home and go to sleep. I got back home early.

00:36:51 You back home early 'cause you was probably with a bitch.

00:36:54 No, I wasn't. I was in the parking lot of Home Depot for 45 minutes.

00:36:57 Talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.

00:37:00 I don't like fucking arguing.

00:37:02 I don't like fucking arguing.

00:37:04 I'm at an age where I don't argue. I just leave. That's my new move.

00:37:07 "You argue with yourself. I'll be back.

00:37:10 "I'll be back. Hopefully when I come back, you don't got no energy."

00:37:14 That's my fucking move. We was arguing in the morning. I left.

00:37:17 It was 7 a.m. She called me. I'm in the car.

00:37:19 She was like, "You probably getting your dick sucked."

00:37:22 At 7 a.m.?

00:37:24 What bitch is that ambitious that's out here at 7 a.m.?

00:37:28 Sucking dick.

00:37:30 What type of day walker do you think I'm dealing with? Jesus Christ.

00:37:33 A 7 a.m. dick sucker on the loose that's got you worried?

00:37:37 What are you fucking reading?

00:37:39 What's the blog that told y'all to worry about the dick sucker at 7 a.m.?

00:37:43 "Watch your man, ladies.

00:37:46 "It's a 7 a.m. dick sucker on the prowl.

00:37:49 "Thanks, girl.

00:37:51 "I saw it on my...

00:37:53 "I saw it on my security camera

00:37:56 "outside looking for dicks.

00:37:58 "Can't nothing...

00:38:00 "Can't nothing...

00:38:02 (laughing)

00:38:04 "I saw it looking for dicks on my security camera

00:38:07 "somewhere out there looking for dicks."

00:38:10 Shit that I deal with is unreal.

00:38:13 All my wife's insecurities dropped down

00:38:16 after she read my group chat.

00:38:18 Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room,

00:38:21 I challenge you to go through his phone and read his group chat.

00:38:24 Do it.

00:38:26 Over 40, you should do it.

00:38:28 Under 40, I don't recommend it.

00:38:31 You're gambling.

00:38:33 You're fucking gambling.

00:38:35 40 and above, go, read it.

00:38:37 You will never read a more inconsistent

00:38:40 and unfocused conversation in your life.

00:38:43 All my group chat conversations start off the same.

00:38:46 They all start off great.

00:38:48 "Yo!"

00:38:50 You see that picture of Rihanna's ass?

00:38:53 Goddamn! Shit!

00:38:55 Fuck! I saw it!

00:38:57 Random question flies in the chat.

00:38:59 "Hey, man, if you run out of butter,

00:39:01 what else can I put in a pan?"

00:39:03 What?

00:39:05 I ain't got no butter, man.

00:39:07 "What else can I use?"

00:39:09 "How the fuck you run out of butter?"

00:39:11 I don't know, but it's gone.

00:39:13 Another statement flies in. "I can't even eat butter.

00:39:15 That shit make my gout act up."

00:39:17 Gout? When you get gout?

00:39:19 I been had gout. I didn't know you had gout.

00:39:21 I told y'all I had gout.

00:39:23 Another statement flies in the chat.

00:39:25 "What the fuck is gout?"

00:39:27 "What the fuck is gout?"

00:39:29 A picture from WebMD hit the chat.

00:39:31 Pow!

00:39:33 Description of gout and what the fuck it can do.

00:39:35 Goddamn! You got that?

00:39:37 Then the chat goes silent for five days.

00:39:40 Don't nobody say shit.

00:39:42 40 and up, the chat just die.

00:39:45 Nobody ends it.

00:39:47 Day six, they pick up right where they left off.

00:39:49 "What else make your gout act up?"

00:39:51 My friend Joey don't know how to use emojis.

00:39:58 That's how she thought she had something one time.

00:40:00 Joey's the older one. Joey's the one with gout.

00:40:03 We tease him all the time.

00:40:05 "You gout-having bitch." We just tease him.

00:40:07 He was getting mad in the chat.

00:40:09 "Fuck y'all. Tired of y'all teasing me all the time.

00:40:11 Y'all just mad 'cause I'm doing the right thing with my life.

00:40:13 I'm getting healthy.

00:40:15 As a matter of fact, I'm about to go get me a bunch of these right now."

00:40:17 He put five eggplants back to back.

00:40:20 Then he put...

00:40:22 Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash.

00:40:24 I said, "What the fuck?"

00:40:26 "What are you talking about, Joey?

00:40:28 What are you talking about right now?

00:40:30 You just said you about to go take five dicks to the face...

00:40:33 and get 'em off. That's what you just said."

00:40:36 "No, I didn't. I didn't say that."

00:40:38 "Yes, you did.

00:40:40 Five eggplants, tongue, splash.

00:40:42 You said you'd take me to the face, finishing 'em off.

00:40:44 That's what you just said."

00:40:46 Fucking Joey.

00:40:53 Older you get, the more direct and honest you get.

00:40:56 Me and my wife had a very direct and honest space

00:40:59 in our relationship.

00:41:01 Very honest. Very honest, man.

00:41:04 My wife told me the other day, she said,

00:41:06 "Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be."

00:41:08 To my fucking face!

00:41:11 Ain't this a bitch?

00:41:13 We in my home. I got no problem being honest with y'all.

00:41:16 To my fucking face!

00:41:18 Told me my sex has fallen off.

00:41:21 You know what my response was?

00:41:23 "Happens." That's what I said.

00:41:26 Happens.

00:41:28 I don't give a shit.

00:41:30 Fucking 41. I don't got time to be fucking all day.

00:41:33 I'm tired. I'm tired.

00:41:35 I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick.

00:41:38 I said it. That's how I feel.

00:41:40 That's how I fucking feel. I'm not taking it back.

00:41:43 I said it!

00:41:45 I don't believe that you can be successful and have good dick.

00:41:49 I told you, you gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?

00:41:52 You're not getting both. I'm not gonna do both.

00:41:54 I'm not giving you both. Pick one.

00:41:57 When I had good dick, I was broke. I had nothing.

00:42:01 I was out here fucking for transportation when I had good dick.

00:42:05 Fucking for tokens.

00:42:07 Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick.

00:42:10 Get in somebody's car around here.

00:42:13 It was cold in Philadelphia. You don't know my life. Stop judging me.

00:42:17 But because you're married, you got a fucking compromise.

00:42:23 Gotta meet you halfway.

00:42:25 I told her, I said, "You know what?

00:42:27 "You feel like I need to do better sexually, pick a date.

00:42:30 "Pick a date.

00:42:32 "On that date, I'm required to give out some good dick.

00:42:36 "You pick a date.

00:42:38 "On that date, I'm required to give out some good dick."

00:42:43 She picked the eighth of every month.

00:42:46 "All right.

00:42:48 "You better buckle the fuck up."

00:42:52 "I'm about to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.

00:42:56 "I'm gonna thump your ass right now.

00:42:59 "That's exactly what I'm gonna do."

00:43:01 It's all fun and games until the week of.

00:43:04 You get nervous and shit, man.

00:43:07 My friends saw it in my face.

00:43:09 "You good?" "No, I ain't good. I got a fucking five days, man.

00:43:12 "I gotta fuck on the eighth.

00:43:14 "I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery.

00:43:17 "I don't know what the fuck was happening to me.

00:43:20 "Sweating? Goddamn, man. I got a fucking three days.

00:43:23 "Countdown.

00:43:25 "Felt like I had the NBA finals coming up with some shit.

00:43:28 "Ice in my legs. I didn't know what was happening.

00:43:31 "The eighth came up. I did a good job.

00:43:33 "Gave out a bastard some good dick.

00:43:35 "Thank you for the applause. I appreciate it.

00:43:38 "Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I'll take it.

00:43:41 "Thank God, God, Jesus.

00:43:44 "My honesty backfired over there.

00:43:47 "Ooh! Oh!

00:43:49 "Oh!

00:43:51 "Gave out some good dick on the eighth.

00:43:54 "In true woman fashion,

00:43:56 "on the ninth, she tried to get some more.

00:43:59 "It's not our agreement. That's not the deal we made.

00:44:03 "I said, 'One date.

00:44:05 "'Every other date could be trashy dick or not.

00:44:07 "'You don't fucking expect the same thing again.'

00:44:10 "After my fucking bedtime,

00:44:12 "she come in 8.30 p.m., drunk as shit.

00:44:15 "'It's late.'"

00:44:17 "Trying to wake me up. Get up.

00:44:20 "Trying to get some dick.

00:44:22 "Trying to get some more of that eighth dick."

00:44:25 That's what she said.

00:44:27 I was...

00:44:29 "I want some more of that eighth dick.

00:44:31 "Let me get some of that eighth dick."

00:44:33 I snap. "Get the fuck off of me. Get your hands off of me.

00:44:36 "Come here this late at night waking me up.

00:44:39 "Waking the dog up.

00:44:41 "Oh, do you get you care more about the animals than anything else?

00:44:45 "You know the dog ain't had a good night's sleep

00:44:47 "in the last two weeks you come here all out?

00:44:49 "Pissed off. I'm very pissed off right now."

00:44:52 Me and the dog went downstairs, slept.

00:44:54 Said, "I'm not gonna deal with you.

00:44:56 "You selfishness.

00:44:58 "'Cause you want some more of that eighth dick.

00:45:00 "Well, you just lost a month. That's what you just did.

00:45:03 "Took the next eighth off the contract.

00:45:05 "That's what I did."

00:45:07 You know, that's what makes me laugh?

00:45:11 Hearing other people talk about sex.

00:45:13 That's enough for me.

00:45:15 Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world.

00:45:18 Funniest people to listen to talk about sex are my nephews.

00:45:21 My nephews are 21, 22 years old.

00:45:24 It's the funniest shit that you will ever hear, man.

00:45:27 It's the funniest shit you'll ever hear,

00:45:29 but they don't offer the information.

00:45:31 You gotta bait it out of them.

00:45:33 You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it.

00:45:35 I set the trap, they fall in it every time.

00:45:37 I just come in the room hot.

00:45:39 "Y'all ain't fucking yet."

00:45:41 They take the bait every time.

00:45:43 "Who ain't fucking?"

00:45:45 Every time. "Who ain't fucking?

00:45:48 "I know you ain't saying me.

00:45:50 "I know you ain't saying I ain't fucking.

00:45:52 "I'm fucking.

00:45:54 "I know you ain't saying me.

00:45:56 "Go ahead, huh? You ain't fucking, bitch.

00:45:59 "I know your young ass ain't fucking.

00:46:01 "I'm fucking, huh? What you doing?

00:46:03 "Tell me what you doing there. No, I ain't telling you.

00:46:05 "'Cause if I tell you, you're gonna try to put it in one of your little comedy shows.

00:46:08 "I ain't fucking talking about you. Shut up."

00:46:11 "The hell I'm gonna put you in my comedy show for?

00:46:13 "I got jokes. I don't need you.

00:46:15 "What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you've done.

00:46:18 "No judging? No judging.

00:46:20 "The fuck I'm gonna judge you for?

00:46:22 "All right.

00:46:24 "Nastiest thing I've done?

00:46:26 "I went to the movies with this girl.

00:46:29 "We go to the movies.

00:46:31 "She tell me, 'Get a large bucket of popcorn.'

00:46:33 "I get the bucket of popcorn.

00:46:35 "I sit down. She cut a hole in the bottom.

00:46:37 "Told me to put my dick through the hole.

00:46:39 "She gave me a butt.

00:46:41 "I said, 'What the fuck?'

00:46:43 "Listen, I caught myself.

00:46:45 "I had to act like I knew what it was.

00:46:47 "Ha-ha!

00:46:49 "Ha!

00:46:51 "A butter beat-off!

00:46:53 "I know that's right.

00:46:56 "A butter beat-off!"

00:46:58 "You know you're older 'cause you ask the wrong questions.

00:47:03 "What the fuck y'all get a large for?

00:47:05 "Why you waste all that popcorn? You just got the small.

00:47:08 "It's $12, $14.

00:47:10 "$12, $14 difference, ain't it? Why you get that?

00:47:13 "That butter don't get in your hole?

00:47:15 "That sound like an infection waiting to happen.

00:47:17 "That's how you catch the vid.

00:47:19 "You gonna get the vid.

00:47:21 "Get the vid 19 doing that shit,

00:47:23 "putting the butter in your hole.

00:47:25 "You don't want the butter in your hole."

00:47:27 I ran home, told my wife.

00:47:30 "They ain't gonna believe this shit."

00:47:32 I was talking to Terrence.

00:47:34 "Terrence told me these kids out here

00:47:36 "are giving each other butter beat-offs."

00:47:38 She said, "They still doing that?"

00:47:40 I said, "What the fuck is happening here?

00:47:43 "Who are you?

00:47:45 "I don't even want to know no more.

00:47:47 "Can you just stop right there?"

00:47:49 My kids better not be doing it. I know that much.

00:47:52 If I find out my kids doing it, I have a goddamn fit.

00:47:55 Can't just come out and ask your kids, though.

00:47:57 You gotta, once again, you gotta set the trap,

00:47:59 see if they step in it.

00:48:01 We had dinner, eating a good dinner at the house.

00:48:03 Nice dinner.

00:48:05 I throw the question out to my wife.

00:48:07 "Babe, we should go to the movies.

00:48:09 "We should see a butter beat-off."

00:48:11 I look right at my fucking daughter, right at my daughter.

00:48:14 Staring at her ass.

00:48:16 She didn't budge. She was cool as a fan.

00:48:18 Eating her food and shit.

00:48:20 I've never been more proud as a father.

00:48:22 Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

00:48:24 She don't even know what the fuck it is.

00:48:26 Thank you, God.

00:48:28 Turn this way, my son was like, "Oh, yeah."

00:48:30 [laughter]

00:48:32 He said, "Yeah."

00:48:34 "You better get the large, Dad.

00:48:37 "You don't want that butter in the hole, you'll catch the vid.

00:48:40 "Again, you don't want it twice."

00:48:43 Oh.

00:48:45 "You don't want back-to-back cases of the vid, Dad."

00:48:49 My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date.

00:48:54 Took her to a dinner party.

00:48:56 I'm not a name-dropper, but this joke doesn't make sense

00:48:58 unless I drop the name.

00:49:01 I went to Seinfeld's house for a dinner party.

00:49:04 Some of the best food I've ever had.

00:49:06 It was fucking amazing, man.

00:49:08 At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out.

00:49:10 He was like, "Nobody go anywhere.

00:49:14 "You guys are in for a treat.

00:49:16 "Tonight, we're gonna have some brick-oven pizza."

00:49:20 Everybody went crazy in the party.

00:49:22 "What? Oh, my God. Brick-oven pizza?

00:49:25 What?"

00:49:27 One lady was like, "How many cheeses, Jerry?"

00:49:34 "Seven different cheeses. Seven different cheeses."

00:49:38 People went crazy.

00:49:41 By the way, all these people were white.

00:49:43 These are all fucking white people.

00:49:45 They start chanting, "Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop."

00:49:48 What the fuck is bop, man?

00:49:50 "Bop, bop, bop."

00:49:52 What the fuck is bop?

00:49:54 White woman leaned over the table.

00:49:56 She was like, "It's short for brick-oven pizza."

00:49:58 I was like, "Oh, shit.

00:50:00 Oh, shit.

00:50:02 Oh, okay, I get it."

00:50:04 Seinfeld had some Italian men walk out.

00:50:07 They had pizza-like garb on.

00:50:09 They start passing out the pizza, saying Italian shit.

00:50:11 "Jum, jimmy, jum, jum, jim, dum."

00:50:14 "I don't know Italian.

00:50:16 "Jum, jimmy, jum, jum."

00:50:18 It just dawned on me, actually, as I told that joke.

00:50:20 What I'm doing is racist right now. I apologize.

00:50:23 "Jum, jimmy, jum, jum, jum, dum."

00:50:26 People were eating the fucking pizza going crazy.

00:50:29 "Oh, my God. I tasted cheeses, Jerry."

00:50:33 "I tasted cheeses."

00:50:35 They brought me my piece of pizza.

00:50:37 I took a bite. I couldn't fucking believe it.

00:50:39 Best pizza I've ever had in my life.

00:50:41 Best fucking pizza I've ever had.

00:50:43 Had some type of lettuce on it.

00:50:45 I've never tasted this shit.

00:50:47 Took my wife, "Babe, it's got some type of lettuce on it."

00:50:49 "Wait till you taste the lettuce."

00:50:51 This white woman, she leaned over again.

00:50:53 She was like, "It's arugula."

00:50:55 "What?" "It's arugula."

00:50:57 "Oh, shit."

00:50:59 I took another bite. I got caught up.

00:51:01 Bop, bop, bop.

00:51:03 Bop, bop.

00:51:05 What an amazing night.

00:51:08 It's a fucking amazing night, start to finish, man.

00:51:11 In the car, I was pissed.

00:51:13 I was pissed. You know why I was pissed?

00:51:16 Because I wanted what Seinfeld had.

00:51:18 I wanted that fucking moment, man.

00:51:21 Seinfeld was known as the brick oven pizza guy.

00:51:24 He was known for something else outside of his fucking fame.

00:51:27 I wanted that.

00:51:29 What really pissed me off was that the same people that built Seinfeld's house

00:51:32 built my house.

00:51:34 Not once was I offered the option

00:51:36 of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house.

00:51:39 This was racism at the highest level.

00:51:41 It's fucking racist.

00:51:44 The next morning comes, I call the contractors.

00:51:46 I come in hot. "You racist fucks!"

00:51:49 For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option

00:51:53 of getting a brick pizza oven and not even breaking it up to me

00:51:55 shows just how racist you are.

00:51:57 You better make it right or else this problem's gonna get worse for you.

00:52:00 I hang up the phone. Bop!

00:52:02 They call right back. "Mr. Hart, what are you talking about?"

00:52:04 "You know what I'm talking about, bitch! Black Lives Matter!"

00:52:06 I hung up again. Bop!

00:52:08 Within a day, they were at my house.

00:52:13 I had a blueprint of what my brick pizza oven could look like.

00:52:15 Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my fucking house.

00:52:19 Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had.

00:52:21 I invited all my friends over.

00:52:23 I'm gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did.

00:52:26 All my friends are eating dinner. They finish.

00:52:28 I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did.

00:52:31 All right.

00:52:35 Nobody go anywhere.

00:52:43 Because you guys are in for a treat tonight.

00:52:47 We're gonna have some brick oven pizza tonight.

00:52:50 You heard murmurs around the room.

00:52:52 "What the fuck is he talking about? I ain't eating no pizza off no brick."

00:52:55 Everybody at my party is black. These are all black people.

00:52:58 "You better order Domino's. I'm not eating that shit."

00:53:01 I said, "Now I know what you're thinking.

00:53:06 How many cheeses?

00:53:09 Seven different cheeses!

00:53:13 More murmurs."

00:53:17 I'm lactose intolerant. I'm not eating all that fucking cheese.

00:53:19 Everybody know you don't put that much cheese on nothing but macaroni.

00:53:22 Man, I'm not gonna fucking eat that. What's his problem?

00:53:24 I said, "Everybody get up. Let's go outside,

00:53:26 'cause that's where the brick oven pizza is."

00:53:28 More murmurs. "It's cold as shit outside. I'm not going outside.

00:53:31 Black people got a response for every fucking thing.

00:53:34 I'm not gonna do that. I'm not going outside."

00:53:36 I said, "Now come on, everybody. Say it with me.

00:53:39 Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop."

00:53:42 My friend Jamal stood up in the back.

00:53:45 "Oh! If you got some bop outside, I'm going."

00:53:49 Naeem said, "What the fuck is bop?"

00:53:51 He said, "Man, he got some big bop."

00:53:53 He said, "Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I'm gone."

00:53:56 I said, "No, Jamal. Ain't no big old pussy out there."

00:53:59 "Yes, it is." "That's what bop is."

00:54:01 "No, it's not." "Yes, it is. I was with you.

00:54:03 We was in Atlanta. That big bitch said, 'You wanna see my bop?'

00:54:06 We said, 'What's that?' She was like, 'Big old pussy. Big old pussy.'

00:54:09 And me and you start tipping her." "Yeah.

00:54:11 I ain't got no ones, but I wanna see it again."

00:54:14 Everybody left.

00:54:17 I never got my moment.

00:54:19 I did not get my moment.

00:54:22 I was a fucking loser.

00:54:24 Keep in mind, I wanted that.

00:54:26 I wanted to be known for something else outside my fucking fame, man.

00:54:29 I wanted to be known as Kevin Hart, the brick oven pizza guy.

00:54:32 And the moment was gone.

00:54:34 Had to find a new hobby.

00:54:36 Searched hard for a new hobby, too.

00:54:38 I was road biking for a minute.

00:54:40 Getting miles in on the bike.

00:54:42 I stopped, though. I stopped.

00:54:44 The reason why I stopped, I didn't like the way my dick looked in the outfit.

00:54:47 True story. True story. Looked like I had a clit. I didn't like it.

00:54:50 Between that and the long balls, it was a bad combination.

00:54:53 Shit just didn't look right.

00:54:55 You know, when you stop at a light, you gotta click out.

00:54:58 You gotta snap out at the light.

00:55:01 "Hey, hey, hey. What's up?"

00:55:03 Cars were slowing down. "What the fuck you slowing down for, man?

00:55:05 Get out of here. Stop looking."

00:55:07 This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m.

00:55:09 I said, "You better get the fuck out of here. I know what you want.

00:55:12 Daywalker, get your ass out of here.

00:55:14 Ain't no dicks out here for you, lady.

00:55:16 Get out of here, Daywalker.

00:55:18 Get out of here."

00:55:20 I started boxing.

00:55:22 Boxing became a hobby.

00:55:24 Reason why I started boxing, because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day.

00:55:28 Every day I can get good.

00:55:30 It's me against me.

00:55:32 When I found a trainer, man, guy had amazing talent underneath his belt.

00:55:36 Golden glove fighters,

00:55:38 junior Olympics. I mean, there was so much.

00:55:40 Lightweight champions.

00:55:42 I said, "Look, I know you're not working now, man, but I'll pay you good money to train me."

00:55:45 He said, "Kevin, if you take me on, I'll make you the best fighter there was."

00:55:48 I said, "Well, that's too much.

00:55:50 I don't want that. I just want to get good."

00:55:53 He said, "Done."

00:55:55 He became my trainer. Gotta be honest with you.

00:55:57 He was fucking good. Made me good.

00:56:00 Told me shit I thought I would never hear.

00:56:02 Compared me to boxers that I've never heard of, but it still was a compliment.

00:56:06 Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl.

00:56:10 He said, "Kevin, do you know who that is?" I said, "No, I do not."

00:56:13 He said, "I'm gonna bring you a tape. You got a VCR?"

00:56:16 "No. No, I do not."

00:56:18 The thing that made me laugh, when I told him I didn't have a VCR,

00:56:21 he was like, "Pah!"

00:56:23 Like... like I was in the wrong year.

00:56:26 "Can't believe you don't have a VCR. Goddamn."

00:56:29 "Why do you still have a VCR, sir?"

00:56:31 Told me that I had one of the best jabs he's ever seen.

00:56:34 Said, "Kevin, your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders."

00:56:37 Lightning coming from your fucking shoulders.

00:56:41 He said, "Kevin, you ever thought about fighting?" I said, "No."

00:56:44 He said, "What about sparring?" I said, "No, but I would."

00:56:47 "That's all I need to hear. Tomorrow, 6 a.m., I'm gonna set you up."

00:56:50 "You need to see how good you are."

00:56:53 6 a.m. I come to the gym. You got a guy near my height, my build.

00:56:57 Got my headgear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece.

00:57:01 Puts it all on me, starts putting Vaseline all on my face and all on my headgear.

00:57:05 I said, "What's this for?" He said, "So the punches slide off."

00:57:10 We never talked. Okay.

00:57:13 Well, we didn't discuss that, but all right.

00:57:16 Okay, all right. If that's what it's gonna do, then that's what it's gonna do.

00:57:19 He gets done putting Vaseline on my face, he walks out the ring.

00:57:22 I said, "Wait, you didn't do him yet." He said, "He's okay. He don't need it."

00:57:25 Huh. All right.

00:57:28 That's weird. Okay. Whatever.

00:57:31 I'm gonna go with the flow.

00:57:34 He said, "Guys, we're gonna do three three-minute rounds. Nobody's here to hurt anybody.

00:57:37 Let's have a good time. Keep it loose."

00:57:40 He yells out, "Take it easy on him!" I assume he's talking to me.

00:57:43 Gotta be talking to me.

00:57:46 I yell back, "Got you, coach!"

00:57:49 Put a confident laugh behind it. Ha-ha!

00:57:52 We get to our corners, the bell rings. Ding! I come out.

00:57:55 I just want him to see that I can fight. You can tell I can fucking fight

00:57:58 by the way I hold my shoulders. Look how I'm moving. Hmm?

00:58:01 My feet are spaced apart. Look at my fucking foot move. Look how I'm fucking moving, bitch.

00:58:04 This ain't gonna be no cakewalk. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

00:58:07 You see it. He flat-footed.

00:58:10 Oh. He not even on the balls of his foot.

00:58:13 I'm gonna whoop his ass.

00:58:16 I'm getting more confidence as I move around.

00:58:19 My coach says, "Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go."

00:58:22 All right. Ask, and you shall receive.

00:58:26 I hope he got the weather channel.

00:58:29 'Cause this is about to be some lightning.

00:58:32 When you throw a jab, you take a step.

00:58:35 Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over.

00:58:38 Whap! Every time. Whap! Whap! That's how you throw it.

00:58:41 I take my step. I'm about to turn it over. I'm right here.

00:58:44 Here it is. About to turn that bitch over. You better brace yourself.

00:58:47 Here it come. Ooh! It's coming. Right here.

00:58:50 I'm right here, but I'm about to get here.

00:58:53 Here I am, but I'm about to fucking get right there.

00:58:56 You better brace yourself. I'm right here. Before I did that...

00:58:59 (knocking)

00:59:02 ...he hit me, I... I immediately lost my vision.

00:59:05 Immediately. I went blind immediately.

00:59:08 Couldn't see shit. Everything was fucking black.

00:59:11 Ah! Ah!

00:59:14 I read that you can get brain damage or you can die from a punch.

00:59:17 I just lost my fucking vision. I don't have eyesight no more.

00:59:21 I can't see. I panicked. I turned around.

00:59:24 I've been known to do this move several times. I start punching backwards.

00:59:27 I've talked about it in my past specials.

00:59:30 I'm a backwards puncher. When I panic, I fucking start punching.

00:59:33 My trainer said, "Kevin, throw the jab. Throw the jab."

00:59:36 I said, "For what?" Liar.

00:59:39 It ain't lightning unless he's a storm tracker, okay?

00:59:42 Because this is fucking ridiculous.

00:59:44 I'm blind. I can't see shit.

00:59:47 Ah! I'm blind.

00:59:50 Ring the bell. Ring the fucking bell.

00:59:53 The bell rings. I can't even get to the corner.

00:59:56 I got to follow his voice to the corner. Ah!

00:59:59 As I get to the corner, my trainer, he's like, "What's wrong?"

01:00:03 I said, "I'm blind, man. I can't fucking see."

01:00:06 He just... he just lifted my headgear up.

01:00:10 Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my headgear over my eyes.

01:00:14 It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time.

01:00:18 He was like, "Why didn't you lift it up?"

01:00:21 I said, "'Cause we never went over that in practice."

01:00:24 I didn't know I could do that. "I think you put too much Vaseline on me.

01:00:27 "I was sliding all over the place. Sliding all over the fucking place.

01:00:30 "Man, I don't want to do this no more."

01:00:32 He said, "You just gonna quit?" I said, "I don't call it quitting.

01:00:35 "I just want to do something else."

01:00:37 He said, "What do you want to tell him?" I said, "I'm never talking to him again in my fucking life.

01:00:41 "My lawyer gonna talk to him. He's going to jail, I bet you that.

01:00:44 "He's going to fucking jail after this."

01:00:47 What he did to me tonight was assault. That's what the fuck this was.

01:00:50 Assault at the highest level.

01:00:53 I quit. Walked away from boxing that day.

01:00:56 Walked away. Never went back.

01:00:58 Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl.

01:01:02 I went and found this guy.

01:01:04 'Cause I wanted to know who he was.

01:01:06 Who were you comparing me to?

01:01:08 After that display of boxing that I gave,

01:01:10 I wanted to see who the fuck was like me or who was I like.

01:01:14 Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm.

01:01:18 He was a handicapped fighter.

01:01:20 He was 1-38.

01:01:23 His one win came from disqualification.

01:01:26 He got knocked out. They kicked him in the face.

01:01:28 That's why they gave him a W.

01:01:30 But he had a squeaky voice.

01:01:32 So my trainer was talking about my voice all this fucking time.

01:01:35 It had nothing to do with my fighting style.

01:01:37 Just so happen to compare me to a handicapped fighter.

01:01:40 I know I'm gonna get a lot of shit after this joke

01:01:43 from fucking one-arm people.

01:01:45 They said, "Wanna cancel me next?" I don't fucking know.

01:01:48 Good news is that rally ain't gonna last long

01:01:51 'cause they can't hold them signs for too long.

01:01:54 'Cause they only got one arm.

01:01:57 They're gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down.

01:02:00 Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left hands,

01:02:04 they're not gonna get their message across to cancel me.

01:02:07 So that's the good news.

01:02:10 You know what? Maybe I should take that one out.

01:02:13 Let's take that one out. I'm gonna get canceled for that one.

01:02:16 Fuck it. Fuck it. I'm in my house. I'm in my house.

01:02:19 I'm gonna say what the fuck I want. It's a joke.

01:02:21 It's a joke.

01:02:24 I was so happy, man, after I sparred,

01:02:27 because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old.

01:02:30 I started sparring after my accident.

01:02:33 You guys don't know, a year ago, got into a real bad car accident.

01:02:36 Almost fucking died, man. Damn near was paralyzed.

01:02:39 A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a hospital for a minute.

01:02:42 Thought about a lot. 'Cause I thought about a lot, I'm now able to ask you things

01:02:46 that I know that you haven't thought about.

01:02:48 Question number one is, do you have an ass-wiper in your life?

01:02:52 Think about it. An ass-wiper.

01:02:55 Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan

01:02:58 for the rest of your life, if need be.

01:03:01 You don't think you need it till you fucking need it.

01:03:04 See, after my surgery, I went eight days without going to the bathroom.

01:03:07 I was constipated.

01:03:09 They wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I went to the bathroom.

01:03:12 Had to make sure your organs were working.

01:03:14 Had somebody by my side every single day.

01:03:17 On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap where I was by myself.

01:03:20 During this 20-minute gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite

01:03:24 in my fucking stomach, and that bitch exploded. Boom! Uh-oh.

01:03:28 Uh-oh. I gotta go.

01:03:30 I gotta go to the fucking bathroom.

01:03:32 Can't move my legs, I can't move my arms.

01:03:34 There's nobody there.

01:03:36 I start pressing the help button. Help!

01:03:38 Help!

01:03:40 Help!

01:03:42 Help! Somebody gotta help!

01:03:45 Jose came running in the room.

01:03:47 Jose was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse.

01:03:49 What's up, my friend?

01:03:51 (laughter)

01:03:53 Jose, I gotta go to the bathroom, man.

01:03:57 Now. I gotta go. Right now.

01:03:59 Okay, man, I got you, man. I'll take care of you.

01:04:01 I'll get you good, okay?

01:04:03 Jose grabbed my legs, grabbed my upper body,

01:04:05 picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed.

01:04:08 After he sits me on the toilet,

01:04:10 Jose took two giant steps backwards.

01:04:12 (grunts) Folded his arms, was looking me in the eye,

01:04:15 rocking back and forth like this.

01:04:17 Oh, no.

01:04:19 What the fuck is happening, Jose?

01:04:21 I gotta go, man. Why you still here?

01:04:23 I gotta go to the bathroom.

01:04:25 Then it dawned on me, oh, my God.

01:04:27 Jose's gotta wipe my ass.

01:04:29 Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.

01:04:32 This is rock fucking bottom.

01:04:34 I'm here.

01:04:36 It can't get worse than this.

01:04:38 When I say that, Jose decides to say things

01:04:40 that make me feel better.

01:04:42 Don't worry, man, I'm gonna wipe you good, okay?

01:04:44 I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?

01:04:47 I got you. You in good hands with me.

01:04:49 I'm gonna wipe you good, okay, man?

01:04:52 At this point, I'm fucking in disbelief.

01:04:55 I just can't believe what's happening.

01:04:57 I can't hold it. I just go. I start going.

01:05:00 Jose decides to cheer me on.

01:05:02 Good, good, good.

01:05:04 You gotta get it out, man.

01:05:06 You gotta get it out, man.

01:05:09 Eight days a long time for anybody, man.

01:05:12 I get done going, Jose grabs my right arm, rolls me over,

01:05:16 Jose starts wiping my ass.

01:05:18 At this point, a single tear rolls down my fucking cheek.

01:05:22 I'm crying.

01:05:24 The reason why I'm crying

01:05:26 is 'cause my arms are numb and my legs are numb.

01:05:28 For the life of me, I couldn't figure out

01:05:30 why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass.

01:05:34 Why not numb that up, too?

01:05:36 Why let me feel what the fuck is happening

01:05:39 at the lowest point of my life?

01:05:41 Why feel Jose wiping my ass?

01:05:44 Crying uncontrollably at this point.

01:05:47 Jose decides to say something else.

01:05:50 It's okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know.

01:05:54 Imagine how I feel, man.

01:05:57 I can't believe I'm wiping Kevin Hart ass, man.

01:06:01 This is crazy.

01:06:04 This is my first famous ass, man.

01:06:08 Guys, this has been such an amazing night of fucking comedy, dude.

01:06:12 It's been such a great night.

01:06:14 ( cheers and applause )

01:06:16 Such a great, intimate night.

01:06:18 We shared so much.

01:06:20 I love it. It's such a different vibe.

01:06:22 It's a comfortable vibe. It's a sexy vibe.

01:06:24 More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in.

01:06:28 But I don't want you guys to leave

01:06:30 with just some fucking laughter from jokes.

01:06:32 I feel like I can give you more.

01:06:34 I want you to know me for more, okay?

01:06:36 'Cause I got more. I got more.

01:06:38 ( cheers and applause )

01:06:40 ( whistling )

01:06:42 With that being said,

01:06:44 I hope you guys are ready for some bop.

01:06:46 Bring out the bop. That's right.

01:06:48 Bring Kevin Peet to everybody here.

01:06:50 Bop. Yes, that's right.

01:06:52 That's right. I got some bop for you.

01:06:54 I see you.

01:06:56 Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, yes.

01:06:59 Thank you guys so much.

01:07:01 What an amazing night.

01:07:03 ( chanting )

01:07:05 Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

01:07:07 Oh, ho.

01:07:09 What's wrong with you? What?

01:07:11 I just had the craziest dream, babe.

01:07:13 Oh, my gosh. It's okay.

01:07:15 No, it's not. I dreamt--

01:07:17 I dreamt that I was on stage and I was doing stand-up.

01:07:19 I was saying stuff that I would never say.

01:07:21 I called my daughter a hoe.

01:07:23 I called my son dumb.

01:07:25 I said I don't like private school.

01:07:27 I said the plant-based community was wilding.

01:07:30 I went through this whole phase

01:07:32 where I said I was at Seinfeld's house.

01:07:34 I ain't never been to Seinfeld's house.

01:07:36 I said-- I said-- Go back to sleep.

01:07:38 You were just having a bad night.

01:07:40 Ah!

01:07:42 It's just a nightmare, right?

01:07:44 Yeah.

01:07:46 It was just-- it was just a nightmare.

01:07:48 Yes. Go back to sleep, please.

01:07:51 You ever have bop?

01:07:53 No?

01:07:55 No?

01:07:57 ( music playing )

01:08:00 ♪ Old man told me I'm the future ♪

01:08:11 ♪ Got it from the shore ♪

01:08:13 ♪ Logged out from my computer, ay ♪

01:08:15 ♪ All my brothers in advice ♪

01:08:17 ♪ Neighborhood was gentrified ♪

01:08:19 ♪ Local news talk about it ♪

01:08:21 ♪ All of us get vilified ♪

01:08:23 ♪ My mechanic building rockets ♪

01:08:25 ♪ We gon' lift off ♪

01:08:27 ♪ Rebel from Conception got me searching for connection ♪

01:08:29 ♪ My profession see so many youngins selling out ♪

01:08:31 ♪ They sold like us concession ♪

01:08:33 ♪ Concession ♪

01:08:35 ♪ Concession ♪

01:08:37 ♪ Concession ♪

01:08:39 ♪ Rhea, Rhea ♪

01:08:41 ♪ Rhea, Rhea ♪

01:08:43 ♪ Rhea, Rhea ♪

01:08:45 ♪ Rhea, Rhea ♪

01:08:47 ♪ Rhea, Rhea ♪

01:08:49 ♪ Homie, I ain't gotta be worried ♪

01:08:51 ♪ Rhea, made 'em out of bad gold ♪

01:08:53 ♪ Rhea, ain't nobody pass us ♪

01:08:55 ♪ Rhea, homie's about to act up ♪

01:08:58 ♪ Rhea, that is the Rhea ♪

01:09:01 ♪ Rhea, made 'em out of bad gold ♪

01:09:04 ♪ Rhea, ain't nobody pass us ♪

01:09:07 ♪ Rhea, homie's about to act up ♪

01:09:10 ♪ Rhea, that is the Rhea ♪

01:09:13 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:15 ♪ Rhea, that is the Rhea ♪

01:09:18 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:20 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:22 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:24 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:26 ♪ Rhea ♪

01:09:28 [music ends]

01:09:30 [MUSIC]

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