Category
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FunTranscript
00:00 [engine revving]
00:01 Driven to distraction!
00:03 It's a horror show on wheels!
00:06 Archie's car has a mind of her own!
00:08 And she's not going to stop until she has Archie all to herself!
00:12 Driven to distraction!
00:15 [engine revving]
00:17 [engine revving]
00:22 ♪ What's that sound? Archie's registering ♪
00:27 ♪ What is going on in this town? Archie's registering ♪
00:31 ♪ Who is gonna crack the case? Archie's registering ♪
00:37 ♪ That redhead with the freckled face? Archie's registering ♪
00:43 [engine revving]
00:44 ♪ Things are getting weird in Riverdale ♪
00:55 ♪ Hey, what's that sound? Archie's registering ♪
01:00 ♪ What is going on in this town? Archie's registering ♪
01:05 ♪ Archie, Reggie, Veronica, Peggy ♪
01:09 ♪ Jughead too ♪
01:10 ♪ Oh, where? ♪
01:11 [engine revving]
01:13 ♪ Archie's weird registering ♪
01:18 [music playing]
01:20 [sighs]
01:32 A little jog around the park is just what we need
01:35 to clear the cobwebs out of our head after all that homework.
01:38 Besides, I look absolutely fabulous in my new exercise outfit.
01:45 She is gorgeous.
01:47 Huh?
01:48 I love her.
01:49 Uh, you've been out in the sun too long.
01:52 But she's the best.
01:54 Archie must be talking about one of us.
01:56 I have to disagree, Betty, dearie.
01:59 Archie said she's the best.
02:01 He's obviously talking about me.
02:04 There's only one way to find out for certain, Veronica, dearie.
02:08 What?
02:10 She's the most wonderful, beautiful car in the world.
02:14 A car is a car, Arch. It's just a thing.
02:18 [music playing]
02:20 Jughead, you have no appreciation of the finer things in life.
02:26 Betsy is a unique, classic, original.
02:29 Pal, the only thing unique about this junker is that you gave it a name.
02:34 - [gags] - No!
02:35 Crumbs, Jughead, crumbs!
02:37 I just vacuumed Betsy's back seat.
02:39 Sheesh, sorry.
02:42 No eating in Betsy. You know the rules.
02:44 [music playing]
02:46 The world has gone topsy-turvy
02:50 when a car's back seat is more important than a friend's enjoyment
02:54 of a succulent chocolate chip cookie.
02:56 How can Archie go so overboard about that old car?
03:00 I know how to get his mind off his car.
03:03 [music playing]
03:05 Archie, I don't have a date for the spring dance. Do you wanna go?
03:10 Sure, that sounds fun, Betty.
03:12 That little minx.
03:14 I was gonna get Archie to take me to the spring dance.
03:18 Mmm, we're gonna have so much fun.
03:20 Oops, looks like I missed a spot.
03:22 [music playing]
03:25 Stand aside, Betty. I'll show you how it's done.
03:30 Archie Kins, honey.
03:32 I've decided to let you take me to the movies on Friday.
03:36 Okay, a Friday night. Movies.
03:39 - We could go to the drive-in. - You don't seem very excited, Archie Kins.
03:43 I think Betsy needs another coat of wax.
03:46 [gasping]
03:47 Face it, girls. You have a new rival for Archie's affections.
03:50 Goes by the name of Betsy.
03:52 [music playing]
03:54 I must be losing my touch.
03:58 Archie barely noticed I was there.
04:00 Yeah, it was like talking to a brick wall.
04:03 It's bad enough when Archie dates you,
04:06 but this is too humiliating.
04:09 [sighing]
04:10 Greetings, lucky ladies.
04:13 Here I am to bring joy to your small humdrum lives.
04:17 [sighing]
04:18 Why all the long faces?
04:20 Archie's taking me to the movies Friday,
04:22 but he's not making his usual big fuss about it.
04:25 Then forget Archie. I'll take you.
04:28 I'll fuss like there's no tomorrow.
04:30 That's nice, but I don't think so.
04:33 What about you, Betty?
04:34 How's about a night on the town with Mantle the Magnificent?
04:38 No, thanks. I'm too worried about Archie.
04:41 What's the matter?
04:42 Don't you two realize I have a magnetic personality?
04:45 It's not you, Reggie.
04:47 It's just that Archie seems to care more about his car
04:50 than the people in his life.
04:51 Archie's lucky enough to have two beautiful females moping over him.
04:55 And all he wants to do is work on his car?
04:57 Why, that's unnatural.
04:59 That's wasteful.
05:01 I am morally offended.
05:03 Archie needs to be set straight, and I'm just the guy to do it.
05:08 There. You're all hooked up, Betsy.
05:11 Archie, I want to talk to you.
05:13 Sure, Reggie.
05:14 Arch, for some crazy reason,
05:16 Betty and Veronica think you're wonderful.
05:18 But you're here with your car,
05:20 and they're all alone at the mall shop.
05:22 Your point?
05:23 Do I have to paint you a picture?
05:25 You're neglecting the people in your life for this... this thing.
05:29 Please step away from the car.
05:31 Yikes! What was that?
05:34 My new alarm system. I just installed it.
05:37 Cool, huh?
05:38 What kind of thief would want to steal a wreck on wheels like this?
05:43 You're just jealous of Betsy.
05:45 We don't have to stay here and take your abuse.
05:47 Why would I be jealous of that rattle-trap car?
05:59 I own a new sports car.
06:01 It drives like a dream!
06:04 The nerve of Reggie.
06:05 He just doesn't appreciate true quality.
06:08 Wow! I've been looking for one of those for months.
06:12 Dr. Beaumont's Emporium of Curios, Novelties, Antiquities and Hard Lessons.
06:21 I've never seen this place before. Must be new.
06:24 It's perfect for Betsy.
06:28 Hello?
06:34 [♪♪♪]
06:36 Do not touch the cursed jewelry.
06:40 Huh?
06:41 [gasps]
06:48 You read a spell book, you've just bought a spell book.
06:53 What kind of a shop is this?
06:55 Whoa!
06:58 Twelve batches of Love Fotion, a case of good fortune pendants.
07:03 Four tubes of age-removal cream.
07:05 I'll be with you in a moment. I'm placing a long-distance order.
07:08 Oh, and a couple of bottles of that yummy vinaigrette salad dressing you guys make.
07:13 Can you get it here by Friday, Manny?
07:15 Good.
07:17 Ah, young Archie Andrews.
07:20 How are you this wonderful spring afternoon?
07:23 You... you know my name?
07:26 Yes, I, the mysterious Dr. Horatio Borregar Beaumont, know many things.
07:32 Oh, gonna have to get this light fixture fixed one of these days.
07:36 So, what brings you to Dr. Beaumont's emporium of curios, novelties, antiquities and hard lessons?
07:41 I'd like to buy...
07:42 A card entitling you to full borrowing privileges at the Library of Alexandria?
07:47 Uh, no.
07:48 The Amulet of Good Rooming?
07:51 Not really.
07:52 A compact disc of Ron Dante's greatest hits?
07:56 Actually, how much are you charging for those dice?
08:01 I strongly recommend not buying those.
08:04 There are some very nasty consequences attached to owning those dice.
08:10 But I gotta have 'em.
08:11 They're perfect for my car.
08:13 How much?
08:15 Very well.
08:16 I'd say, ooh, $21.43.
08:21 That's exactly what I have in my pocket.
08:23 What a break.
08:24 Now, I don't want to take this money if there's something else or someone else
08:30 you should be spending it on.
08:32 I'd be terribly upset if, say, you couldn't go on a Friday movie date
08:37 because you didn't have this money.
08:39 I'm only speaking hypothetically here,
08:42 but this date might be with a raven-haired, rich, young lady,
08:46 sometimes a little spoiled and impatient.
08:49 First name starts with a "V"?
08:52 These will look wonderful hanging from Betsy's rear-view mirror.
08:56 I always hate it when they go for the hard lessons.
09:00 Now to see what this looks like.
09:02 Perfect!
09:03 Beautiful!
09:04 Worth every penny I spent on 'em.
09:06 Nothing's too good for my Betsy.
09:08 That should take care of that little knocking noise in your engine, Betsy.
09:26 [engine starts]
09:27 [engine turns off]
09:28 [engine starts]
09:29 Phew! That's hot work, Betsy.
09:31 I've got to hand it to you, pal.
09:33 For a doomed man, you're doing a good job of keeping her cool.
09:37 What do you mean, doomed man?
09:39 You're supposed to pick up Veronica in 15 minutes.
09:42 When you show up looking like that, she's gonna kill you.
09:45 My date with Veronica? I forgot!
09:47 [music playing]
09:48 [door opens]
09:49 Archie, forgetting her is a bad habit.
09:51 I'm not going to let you go on a date with her.
09:55 Archie, forgetting a date with Veronica?
09:58 It's getting so you can't count on anything nowadays.
10:01 All this fuss for what?
10:02 Just another expensive date with Veronica.
10:05 Expensive date? I forgot!
10:08 [gasps] I'm broke!
10:10 [scoffs]
10:11 I spent my allowance on the dice for Betsy.
10:14 Broke on a date with Veronica.
10:16 I'll miss you, buddy.
10:17 Where should we send the flowers for your funeral?
10:20 Oh, Jughead amigo?
10:23 Oh, no. You're not doing what I think you're doing.
10:26 Come on, Jughead. Float me a 20 until my next allowance.
10:29 Keep away. You're subverting the natural order of the universe.
10:32 I'm supposed to mooch off you, not the other way around.
10:35 Please, Jughead. It's a matter of life or death.
10:38 Please. I'm begging on my knees.
10:41 [sobs]
10:42 Okay, okay. Just don't cry.
10:45 Here, but let's keep this our little secret.
10:48 This could ruin my reputation.
10:50 Thanks, Jughead.
10:53 I feel so...used.
10:56 [engine starts]
10:59 [upbeat music]
11:02 We'll have a bite to eat at Pop's and then to the movies.
11:05 This is like having the old you back.
11:08 Admit it, Archikens.
11:10 It's more fun spending time with your friends
11:12 than working on your car all day.
11:14 Well, I don't know.
11:16 Let me rephrase that.
11:18 It's more fun spending time with me
11:20 than working on your car all day.
11:22 [engine revving]
11:25 [tires screeching]
11:26 [gasps]
11:27 [engine revving]
11:29 What's wrong?
11:32 I don't know.
11:34 The steering wheel just twisted down this road.
11:40 [tires screeching]
11:42 That was peculiar.
11:44 Betsy's a classic car.
11:46 All classic cars drive a little eccentric.
11:50 Archikens, I know classic cars,
11:53 and this is no classic car.
11:56 Whoa!
11:58 [grunts]
11:59 You all right, Veronica?
12:00 I think so.
12:02 [engine revving]
12:03 Here we are.
12:04 Pop Tate's Chocolate Shoppe.
12:07 [sighs]
12:08 Not a moment too soon.
12:10 Who knows when this wreck of yours
12:12 will fall apart completely.
12:14 [gasps]
12:15 I can't breathe.
12:17 Get it off me.
12:19 [engine revving]
12:20 [crash]
12:21 [engine revving]
12:22 [crash]
12:23 It's almost like that car was doing that deliberately.
12:27 That's ridiculous.
12:29 How could Betsy do that?
12:31 [engine revving]
12:32 [crash]
12:33 Come on, let's get dinner.
12:35 I suppose you're right.
12:37 [engine revving]
12:38 [tires screeching]
12:39 [engine revving]
12:40 [engine revving]
12:41 I still don't understand what Archie sees
12:43 in this disaster on wheels.
12:46 [engine revving]
12:47 Nah, it couldn't be.
12:49 Yow!
12:50 [engine revving]
12:51 This is fun.
12:52 I guess maybe I haven't been spending enough time
12:55 with my friends lately.
12:57 Well, just as long as you spend a little more time chasing me.
13:01 Sometimes it seems like I'm doing everything I can
13:04 to get your attention, but you're too busy to notice.
13:07 Oh, Archie Kims.
13:08 [tires screeching]
13:09 [engine revving]
13:11 [tires screeching]
13:12 If I'm not careful, I could really fall for you.
13:15 [engine revving]
13:16 Veronica.
13:17 Uh, you're not going to believe this,
13:19 but your car has Reggie cornered up that street lamp.
13:22 I'm tired of everyone knocking Betsy.
13:24 I like my car.
13:25 You know why?
13:26 Because she's reliable.
13:27 Betsy's always there for you.
13:29 Well, your beloved Betsy isn't in her parking place.
13:33 Look for yourself.
13:34 [engine revving]
13:35 [tires screeching]
13:36 [engine revving]
13:37 [tires screeching]
13:38 [engine revving]
13:39 Oh, yeah?
13:40 Well, that looks like an innocently parked car to me.
13:43 But...
13:44 [clink]
13:45 [clink]
13:46 [clink]
13:47 [engine revving]
13:49 Come on, I'm taking you home.
13:51 This date is over.
13:52 [footsteps]
13:53 I don't know why all my friends are so jealous of Betsy.
13:56 [door slams]
13:57 Wait, Archie Kims.
13:58 Let's not fight.
14:00 Please step away from Archie Andrews.
14:03 This means you, Veronica Lodge.
14:06 Did your car just talk to me?
14:09 Betsy?
14:10 You were warned, Veronica Lodge.
14:13 [screams]
14:14 [squelching]
14:15 That's it. That's it!
14:17 You can take Betsy to the movie.
14:19 I'm taking the cab home.
14:21 You spoke.
14:23 And you squirted oil all over Veronica.
14:26 Ah, I never understood what you saw in her.
14:29 Besides, you don't need her, not when you have me.
14:32 Get in.
14:34 [footsteps]
14:35 I don't really like any of your friends.
14:37 I don't think you should see them anymore.
14:39 Oh, here, let me.
14:40 [engine revving]
14:41 [tires screeching]
14:43 [engine revving]
14:44 The way I see it, if you dump all your friends completely,
14:48 you can spend more time with me.
14:50 And I do mean all your time.
14:54 [tires screeching]
14:55 [engine revving]
14:57 [tires screeching]
14:58 [engine revving]
14:59 See how nice it is when all those friends
15:01 aren't hanging around ruining things?
15:03 It's so much better when it's just you and me.
15:05 [engine revving]
15:06 [tires screeching]
15:07 It has been fun, but let's head home.
15:10 Aw, do we have to?
15:12 We've been driving around since last night.
15:15 I need to get some sleep.
15:17 [engine revving]
15:18 You're not planning to sneak off
15:20 to meet that rotten Betty at the spring dance, are you?
15:24 Don't be silly.
15:25 Why would I want to spend time with Betty
15:27 when I could be with you?
15:28 [engine revving]
15:29 [tires screeching]
15:30 [engine revving]
15:31 What are you doing, Archie?
15:33 I'm putting you in the garage.
15:35 [engine revving]
15:36 [tires screeching]
15:37 It looks like it might rain later tonight.
15:41 You're so thoughtful.
15:43 Maybe after you take a nap, you can give me an oil change.
15:46 [engine revving]
15:47 [door slams]
15:49 Won't that be more fun than going to some lousy dance?
15:52 You bet.
15:53 You don't need anyone else, Archie.
15:56 Just me.
15:57 [engine revving]
15:58 Right.
15:59 [engine revving]
16:00 [tires screeching]
16:01 [engine revving]
16:02 [tires screeching]
16:03 [engine revving]
16:04 [tires screeching]
16:05 [tires screeching]
16:06 Archie, what are you doing?
16:08 I'm going to the spring dance.
16:10 I want to spend some time with real people.
16:12 You're just a machine.
16:13 [hissing]
16:15 You tricked me.
16:17 When I get back, I'm going to figure out
16:18 how to change you back to a normal car.
16:21 [engine revving]
16:22 [tires screeching]
16:23 [engine revving]
16:24 [tires screeching]
16:25 [engine revving]
16:26 [tires screeching]
16:27 [engine revving]
16:28 [tires screeching]
16:29 [tires screeching]
16:30 [tires screeching]
16:31 [tires screeching]
16:33 [engine revving]
16:34 Well, so you'd rather be with your friends than with me.
16:36 Maybe if I got rid of them,
16:38 you wouldn't have a choice but to spend time with me.
16:41 [engine revving]
16:42 [coughing]
16:43 [engine revving]
16:44 [tires screeching]
16:45 I can't believe the dance is over and still no Archie.
16:48 I tell you, Archie's not coming, Betty.
16:51 He's gone all soft in the head for that strange car of his.
16:55 I hope he's okay.
16:56 [engine revving]
16:57 [tires screeching]
16:59 Look, here he comes.
17:01 [engine revving]
17:02 That's Archie's car, all right.
17:04 And no one's driving it, just like yesterday.
17:08 Looks like it's headed straight for us.
17:10 [engine revving]
17:11 It's headed straight for us!
17:14 [screaming]
17:15 [engine revving]
17:16 [tires screeching]
17:17 [engine revving]
17:18 [tires screeching]
17:19 [engine revving]
17:20 [tires screeching]
17:21 [engine revving]
17:23 [tires screeching]
17:24 [screaming]
17:25 [tires screeching]
17:26 [engine revving]
17:27 [tires screeching]
17:28 [engine revving]
17:29 [tires screeching]
17:30 [tires screeching]
17:31 [engine revving]
17:32 [engine revving]
17:33 [footsteps]
17:34 [footsteps]
17:36 [footsteps]
17:37 [footsteps]
17:38 I hope I'm not too late to save the gang.
17:40 [footsteps]
17:41 [footsteps]
17:42 [tires screeching]
17:43 Oh, no!
17:44 [tires screeching]
17:45 [tires screeching]
17:46 [footsteps]
17:47 [footsteps]
17:48 [footsteps]
17:50 [footsteps]
17:51 Chuck, Nancy, what happened?
17:52 Is everyone all right?
17:53 [footsteps]
17:54 Somebody's out of control car smashed through the doors.
17:58 Nancy and I were locking up after the dance.
18:00 We managed to get into the locker room before we were hurt.
18:03 Did you see the gang?
18:04 Betty, Veronica, Reggie and Jughead
18:06 ran out those doors a few moments before the car busted out through them.
18:10 It was almost like that car was deliberately chasing them.
18:13 I've never seen Jughead move so fast.
18:16 [engine revving]
18:17 [tires screeching]
18:18 [engine revving]
18:19 [tires screeching]
18:20 [tires screeching]
18:21 You can't stay up there forever.
18:25 We can sure try.
18:27 Once I get rid of you four, I'll have Archie all to myself.
18:31 [engine revving]
18:32 [Nancy screams]
18:33 Can't we discuss this?
18:35 [engine revving]
18:36 I know a nice European luxury sedan.
18:39 You'd make a lovely couple. I'll introduce you.
18:41 [engine revving]
18:42 [tires screeching]
18:44 [tires screeching]
18:45 [engine revving]
18:46 [tires screeching]
18:47 [engine revving]
18:48 Jughead! I'm falling!
18:51 [engine revving]
18:52 [tires screeching]
18:53 [tires screeching]
18:54 [Nancy groans]
18:55 [engine revving]
18:56 [tires screeching]
18:57 [engine revving]
18:58 [tires screeching]
18:59 Try to eat cookies in my backseat, will you?
19:03 [tires screeching]
19:04 [engine revving]
19:05 [tires screeching]
19:06 [tires screeching]
19:07 [engine revving]
19:08 Huh?
19:09 [tires screeching]
19:10 [engine revving]
19:11 [tires screeching]
19:13 [engine revving]
19:14 [Nancy groans]
19:15 [tires screeching]
19:16 How could you prefer them to me?
19:19 [tires screeching]
19:20 [engine revving]
19:21 [tires screeching]
19:22 They're my friends. They're people.
19:24 You're just a thing.
19:25 [tires screeching]
19:27 [engine revving]
19:28 [tires screeching]
19:29 [engine revving]
19:30 [tires screeching]
19:31 [engine revving]
19:32 Where'd they go?
19:33 Here they come again.
19:35 [tires screeching]
19:36 You betrayed me for mere flesh and blood.
19:39 Whoa!
19:41 Of course. The dice.
19:43 This all started after I put the dice on the mirror.
19:46 [grunting]
19:49 [Nancy groans]
19:50 [engine revving]
19:51 [Nancy grunting]
19:52 [Nancy groans]
19:53 [engine revving]
19:54 [Nancy panting]
19:55 [engine revving]
19:56 [Nancy groans]
19:58 [engine revving]
19:59 [tires screeching]
20:00 [Nancy groans]
20:01 [engine revving]
20:02 [Nancy groans]
20:03 [engine revving]
20:04 He's not moving.
20:06 Buddy, speak to us.
20:08 You don't have to pay me back that 20.
20:10 Just get up.
20:12 Archikins, are you all right?
20:14 I'm fine now that my friends are safe.
20:18 -I've got you, old buddy. -Hold her steady.
20:20 -Hang on to me, Archie. -No, me, Archikins.
20:23 [engine revving]
20:24 [tires screeching]
20:25 [engine revving]
20:26 [engine revving]
20:27 [engine revving]
20:28 Well, Betsy seems to be normal again.
20:30 Yeah, but what a wreck.
20:33 [engine revving]
20:34 Sorry, Archikins.
20:36 It'll take you weeks to repair all that damage.
20:39 I guess we won't be seeing much of you
20:40 until you get Betsy running again.
20:42 I'll get some auto shop to fix Betsy.
20:45 I'd rather spend time with my friends.
20:47 -Fast, Spirit. -Yeah.
20:49 -Archie's back. -We missed you, Archikins.
20:52 [music playing]
20:53 Can't leave these lying around where anyone could pick them up.
20:56 Not everyone needs to learn this lesson.
21:00 [music playing]
21:01 [music playing]
21:02 [music playing]
21:03 [music playing]
21:04 [music playing]
21:06 So there you have it, dear readers.
21:07 This week's Archie's Weird Mysteries column.
21:10 But I'd like to close with one final thought.
21:12 A pair of dice possessing a car
21:14 and turning it into an intelligent and jealous monster
21:18 is definitely hard to believe.
21:20 But even harder to believe
21:22 is that I allowed myself to forget
21:24 that people are more important than things.
21:26 How that could happen is probably one of the weirdest mysteries
21:29 that ever happened in a little town called Riverdale.
21:33 [music playing]
21:34 [music playing]
21:35 [music playing]
21:37 [theme music playing]
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22:00 [theme music playing]
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22:02 [theme music playing]
22:03 [theme music playing]
22:04 [theme music playing]
22:05 [theme music playing]
22:06 [theme music playing]
22:08 Ouch!
22:10 [music playing]
22:11 [Jingle Playing]
22:13 Geek!
22:14 [music playing]
22:15 [ Silence ]