Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00 [music]
00:22 [laughter]
00:24 I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids.
00:28 Now it's time for another fenshmabulous episode of
00:32 Itchy and Scratchy!
00:35 [music]
00:40 Mmm.
00:42 [screams]
00:43 Yeah!
00:44 [music]
00:46 [screams]
00:48 [music]
00:53 [sighs]
00:54 [music]
01:08 Kids! Kids!
01:12 You're missing the Itchy and Scratchy show.
01:14 Don't you like it anymore?
01:16 Sure, we love it.
01:17 But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?
01:21 Well, yeah, Mom.
01:22 I mean, we love you and Dad, too, but God knows we don't need to see every day.
01:25 An occasional hug is all I ask.
01:28 Mom, you can hug me when I'm asleep.
01:31 I do.
01:32 [screams]
01:33 [music]
01:36 Hey, Krosta, you look great.
01:39 You get your teeth bleached?
01:40 Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment.
01:42 Hey, shut up!
01:43 You're here 'cause your Itchy and Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings.
01:47 Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show.
01:49 Huh? Huh? Huh? Eww, kaboom!
01:52 What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
01:54 See, that's what I thought at first, but the--
01:56 Hey, shut up!
01:57 That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed.
02:01 Its ratings poisoned.
02:02 But Itchy and Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
02:05 Acclaimed?
02:06 [sneezes]
02:07 I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon
02:10 where the robots turn into bling wads.
02:13 But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.
02:17 So I'll give you one more chance.
02:19 Get out!
02:20 Don't come back 'til you fix Itchy and Scratchy.
02:23 [crash]
02:25 Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
02:28 Krosty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock and Roll Museum.
02:33 And I'll come back later.
02:35 [music]
02:38 I need to purchase a brassiere.
02:40 You kids wait over here in the credit department.
02:42 Oh, can't we just wander around and meet you back here later?
02:46 Okay, just be careful.
02:48 [music]
02:52 Would you kids like to come with me?
02:54 Sounds good to me. Let's go.
02:57 All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids.
03:00 Today, we're going to show you some itchy and scratchy cartoons.
03:04 [cheering]
03:06 We want you to tell us what you think.
03:08 And be honest, because no one from the show is here spying on you.
03:12 [sneezes]
03:14 Why is that mirror sneezing?
03:16 Look, it's just an old, creaky mirror.
03:18 Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
03:22 Hmm.
03:24 Now, you each have a knob in front of you.
03:28 When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right.
03:31 When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
03:34 My knob tastes funny.
03:37 Please refrain from testing the knob.
03:39 [buzzes]
03:41 [music]
03:45 [groans]
03:48 [laughter]
03:53 [music]
03:58 Hey, quit it!
04:00 [laughter]
04:02 They like itchy. They like scratchy.
04:04 One kid seems to love the Speedo Man.
04:07 What more do they want?
04:09 Okay, how many of you kids would like itchy and scratchy
04:11 to deal with real-life problems like the ones you face every day?
04:15 [all talking at once]
04:17 And who would like to see them do just the opposite,
04:20 getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
04:25 [all talking at once]
04:28 So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show
04:31 that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots.
04:35 [all talking at once]
04:37 And also, you should win things by watching.
04:40 [sighs]
04:41 You kids don't know what you want.
04:43 That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid.
04:46 Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
04:50 [sobs]
04:53 Mommy!
04:55 Um, excuse me, sir.
04:57 The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the itchy and scratchy show.
05:00 It's as good as ever.
05:02 But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
05:07 That's it.
05:09 That's it, little girl!
05:11 You saved itchy and scratchy!
05:13 Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save itchy and scratching.
05:16 I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show.
05:20 It is so simple, you egghead writers would have never thought of it!
05:24 What we need is a new character,
05:27 one that today's kids can relate to.
05:31 Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir?
05:33 I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here,
05:35 but itchy and scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
05:38 Hey, this ain't art, it's business!
05:40 What do you got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?
05:43 No, no.
05:45 The animal chain of command goes
05:47 mouse, cat, dog.
05:50 D-O-G.
05:52 Uh, dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?
05:55 In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.
05:58 You mean Cerberus?
06:00 We at the network want a dog with attitude.
06:03 He's edgy, he's in your face.
06:05 You've heard the expression "let's get busy"?
06:07 Well, this is a dog who gets biz-ay.
06:11 Consistently and thoroughly.
06:13 So he's proactive, huh?
06:15 Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
06:18 Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm,"
06:21 aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
06:25 Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
06:28 I'm fired, aren't I?
06:30 Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog.
06:34 I don't know, something along the lines of, say, Poochie.
06:37 Only more proactive.
06:39 Yeah!
06:41 So, Poochie okay with everybody?
06:45 Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, you know, it's good.
06:48 No, no, no!
06:52 He was supposed to have attitude!
06:54 Um, what do you mean, exactly?
06:57 Oh, you know, attitude, attitude!
07:00 Uh, sunglasses!
07:02 Can we put him in more of a hip-hop context?
07:05 Forget context. He's gotta be a surfer.
07:07 Give me a nice schmear of surfer.
07:09 I feel we should rastify him by 10% or so.
07:13 Hmm.
07:19 I think he needs a little more attitude.
07:22 Oh, yeah. Bingo. There it is, right there.
07:25 - That's it. - I love it.
07:27 Hey, Lise, look. They're adding a new character to Itchy and Scratchy.
07:32 Poochie the dog?
07:34 Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.
07:38 Yo, yo. How's it hanging, everybody?
07:40 - Morning, Roy. - Yeah, hi, Roy.
07:43 Hey, they're having open casting for the voice of Poochie.
07:46 You should try out, Dad. You have a funny voice.
07:49 I do not!
07:50 Haven't you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder?
07:52 I prefer to listen to Cheap Trick.
07:54 Well, here. Say something.
07:56 Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying howdy
07:59 to all the girls out there in Radio Land.
08:03 ( squeaking )
08:04 Hey, this is Homer Simpson saying--
08:07 - ( squeals ) - I don't sound like that, do I?
08:09 Oh, I don't like having such a hilarious voice.
08:13 That hilarious voice could be your ticket to stardom.
08:22 Oh, a talking dog.
08:26 What were you guys smoking when you came up with that?
08:30 We were eating rotisserie chicken.
08:32 Can you just read the line, please?
08:34 "Ruff, ruff, I'm Poochie the Rockin' Dog."
08:38 You're perfect.
08:40 In fact, you're better than perfect.
08:42 Next to you, perfection is crap.
08:45 "Ruff, ruff, I'm Poochie the Rockin' Dog."
08:48 Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
08:50 You may remember me from such cartoons as
08:53 "Christmas Ape" and "Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp."
08:57 You're even better than this guy.
08:59 Take a hike, you bump.
09:01 ( groans )
09:02 ( clears throat )
09:03 "Ruff, ruff, I'm Poochie the Rockin' Dog."
09:06 Now, that's just bad.
09:07 You got no attitude, you're barely outrageous,
09:10 and I don't know what you're in, but it's not my face.
09:13 - Next. - Oh, no attitude, eh?
09:16 Not in your face, huh?
09:17 Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly.
09:20 That's it! That's the Poochie attitude!
09:22 Do that again!
09:23 Huh? I can't. I don't remember what I did.
09:26 Then you don't get the job. Next.
09:28 Oh, I don't get the job, do I?
09:31 Well, poo-hoo-hoo, I don't get to be a cartoon dog.
09:36 That's it! You've got the job!
09:38 Oh, now I got the job, huh?
09:41 Oh, thank you.
09:45 Okay, Homer, let's get a level check on your voice.
09:48 "She smells sheet smells by the sheet store."
09:53 Wait, wait, let me try it again.
09:54 Relax, Homer, you'll do fine.
09:56 I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
10:00 You? But you're a lady.
10:03 She's a lady, all right!
10:04 A beautiful lady.
10:07 ( laughing )
10:09 Hey, it really is you!
10:11 How'd you get to be so good?
10:13 Oh, just experience, I suppose.
10:15 I started out as Road Runner.
10:17 Meep. You mean "meep meep"?
10:19 No, they only paid me to say it once,
10:21 then they doubled it up on the soundtrack.
10:23 Cheap bastards.
10:24 You folks ready to begin?
10:26 Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on to air live?
10:29 No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live.
10:32 It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
10:35 ( music playing )
10:38 Hi, question for Miss Bellamy.
10:49 In episode 2-F-O-9, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton
10:52 like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession,
10:55 yet he produces two clearly different tones.
10:58 I mean, what are we, to believe that this is some sort of, uh...
11:01 ( laughing )
11:03 ...magic xylophone or something?
11:05 Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
11:08 Uh, well--
11:09 I'll field this one.
11:11 Let me ask you a question.
11:13 Why would a man whose shirt says "genius at work"
11:15 spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
11:19 I withdraw my question.
11:22 Uh, excuse me, Mr. Samson.
11:26 On the Itchy and Scratchy CD-ROM,
11:29 is there a way to get out of the dungeon
11:32 without using the wizard key?
11:34 What the hell are you talking about?
11:36 You're a lifesaver, Homer.
11:37 I can't deal with these hardcore fans.
11:40 ( clears throat )
11:41 Your attention, please.
11:42 Um, in episode--
11:44 Hey, your attention, please!
11:46 Mr. Simpson will now be autographing
11:48 eight by ten glossies of Poochie,
11:50 one per customer.
11:52 Please form a line. There will be no cutting.
11:55 I'm talking to you, Mr. Cutter.
11:57 Pardon me, look out. Pardon me, excuse me.
12:00 Potsu-- Hi.
12:02 Kindly make one out to me
12:03 and three out to my friend of the same name.
12:06 I'm so glad you could join us for Homer's big premiere.
12:10 Poochie's based on me.
12:12 Is this seat taken, little girl?
12:14 I'm not a girl. Are you blind?
12:17 Yes.
12:18 I am stoked, Mr. S.
12:20 Shh! Everybody, it's coming on.
12:22 Once in a great while,
12:26 we are privileged to experience a television event
12:29 so extraordinary,
12:31 it becomes part of our shared heritage.
12:33 1969--
12:35 Man walks on the moon.
12:38 1971--
12:40 Man walks on the moon again.
12:43 Then for a long time, nothing happened.
12:46 Until tonight.
12:48 Behold the future of comedy--
12:50 Poochie!
12:52 ♪ Left, right, left, right ♪
12:56 ♪ At march ♪
12:57 ♪ Left, right, left, right ♪
12:58 ♪ At march ♪
12:59 ♪ Right, right, right ♪
13:00 ♪ Woof, woof, woof ♪
13:01 ♪ Poochie and Squanchie ♪
13:03 ♪ On Poochie's show ♪
13:05 Look, Squanchie, it's our new friend, Poochie.
13:21 What's that name again?
13:23 I forgot.
13:25 ♪ The name's Poochie D, and I rock the telly ♪
13:27 ♪ I'm half Joe Camel and a third Monserelli ♪
13:30 ♪ I'm the kung fu hippie from gangsta city ♪
13:32 ♪ I'm a rapping surfer, you'd a fool, I pity ♪
13:35 Oh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.
13:39 He's totally in my face!
13:41 ♪ Wiggity, wiggity, wait up ♪
13:43 ♪ Back on, party ♪
13:45 When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
13:48 ( sobbing )
13:50 Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
13:52 Mitch, help me out here.
13:54 Quiet. You're missing the jokes.
13:57 ( music playing )
13:59 Catch you on the flip side, dude-masters.
14:05 Not!
14:07 Hey, kids, always recycle.
14:10 To the extreme!
14:12 Busted!
14:14 Ah, that stunk.
14:19 Well, what did everybody think?
14:22 ( crowd murmuring )
14:26 Here.
14:28 Homer, I can honestly say
14:30 that was the best episode of "Impy & Chippy" I've ever seen.
14:34 Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer.
14:36 You, uh, got a beautiful home here.
14:39 So it was pretty okay, huh?
14:49 Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
14:51 Yes, we can.
14:53 ( gunshots )
14:55 Well, at least I liked it.
14:57 Didn't I?
14:59 Oh, you don't want to know what I really think.
15:01 Now look sad and say "doe."
15:03 Doe.
15:05 I'm the worst Poochie ever.
15:09 No, it's not your fault, Dad.
15:11 You did fine.
15:13 It's just that Poochie was a soulless byproduct of committee thinking.
15:16 You can't be cool just by spouting a bunch of worn-out buzzwords.
15:19 Don't have a cow, at least.
15:21 Let's none of us have a cow.
15:24 All that matters is that the fans of the show liked it.
15:27 Last night's "Itsy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt,
15:30 the worst episode ever.
15:33 Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes
15:36 registering my disgust throughout the world.
15:38 Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
15:41 As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
15:43 What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.
15:47 How can they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
15:51 Worst episode ever.
15:53 It looks like the beginning of the end for the venerable "Itsy & Scratchy" program.
15:57 For years, TV critics such as yours truly, Kent Brockman,
16:00 have waited impatiently for cracks to appear in the show's hilarious facade.
16:05 Yesterday, our prayers were finally answered
16:07 when Poochie the dog made his howlingly unfunny debut.
16:12 Far be it from me to gloat at another's downfall,
16:15 but I have a feeling no children are going to be crying
16:18 when this puppy is put to sleep.
16:20 [laughs]
16:22 Oh! What the hell happened?
16:26 Well, I'd attribute the product failure to fundamental shifts in our key demographic,
16:30 coupled with the overall crumminess of Poochie.
16:32 Oh, you gotta stop this thing!
16:35 [laughs]
16:37 Please! I'm getting egged on the street!
16:40 Do something! Do something!
16:43 [laughs]
16:45 Uh, hi, Mr. Myers.
16:49 I've been doing some thinking, and I got some ideas to improve the show.
16:53 I got it right here.
16:55 One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine.
17:01 Two, whenever Poochie's not on screen,
17:03 all the other characters should be asking, "Where's Poochie?"
17:07 Three--
17:09 Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.
17:12 Thanks, Homer.
17:14 [indistinct chatter]
17:16 Hmm.
17:18 [indistinct chatter]
17:20 [indistinct chatter]
17:22 [indistinct chatter]
17:24 [indistinct chatter]
17:26 [indistinct chatter]
17:28 Listen, guys, we gotta do something about Poochie.
17:30 There's only one thing we can do.
17:36 And they said they were gonna kill Poochie off.
17:39 Really? Oh, how terrible.
17:41 Yes, terrible.
17:43 It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers.
17:47 They make me madder than a... yak in heat.
17:51 You're right, Marge. It's not my fault.
17:53 I'm not gonna let 'em treat Poochie like dirt anymore just because he's the new guy.
17:57 Right on, Mr. S.
17:59 Put a sock in it, Roy.
18:01 Okay, so here's where Itchy lunges at Poochie with a rusty chainsaw.
18:06 Cue sound effects.
18:08 [chainsaw buzzing]
18:09 Rustier.
18:11 [chainsaw buzzing]
18:13 Are you prepared to die, Poochie?
18:15 No, I am not.
18:18 Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut.
18:21 Just stick to the script as written, Homer.
18:23 You're supposed to say, "Please, cut off my head. I don't deserve to live."
18:28 Never.
18:30 [slicing]
18:32 Oh.
18:34 You can't just kill off a classic TV character.
18:37 Poochie could be bigger than curly fries.
18:39 But first, he has to win back the audience.
18:42 That's why I'm gonna read these lines I wrote myself with my own two hands.
18:45 Forget it, Homer. We can do this show without you if we have to.
18:49 But not without me.
18:51 Aw, jeez.
18:53 Let him try the new lines.
18:56 All right. All right.
18:58 We'll try it. Action.
19:00 Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say.
19:04 Do you?
19:05 Yes, I certainly do.
19:08 Hello there, Itchy.
19:10 I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I would go away.
19:14 And I think we got off on the wrong foot.
19:17 I know I can come off a little proactive, and for that I'm sorry.
19:21 But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted,
19:26 I know we can make him laugh and cry until we grow old together.
19:32 And cut.
19:35 [applause]
19:47 Now, kids, I know you love the old Poochie,
19:50 but the new one's going to be better than ten Super Bowls.
19:54 I don't want to oversell it. Judge for yourself.
20:00 Wow, look who's here.
20:01 Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say.
20:05 Do you?
20:06 Yes, I certainly do.
20:09 I have to go now. My planet needs me.
20:16 Wow. Poochie came from another planet?
20:19 I guess.
20:20 Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen.
20:22 Those sphinx double-crossed me.
20:24 Poochie's dead!
20:26 [laughter]
20:30 Now, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die,
20:33 they're back again the very next week.
20:35 That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return.
20:42 This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
20:45 Yay!
20:48 Oh, yeah!
20:50 Tough break, Dad.
20:52 I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie.
20:54 Maybe in a few years.
20:56 Good news, everybody.
20:57 I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
21:02 Then I guess this is goodbye, Roy.
21:05 Maybe we'll see you in a few years.
21:09 Well, I guess I learned my lesson.
21:11 The thing is, I lost creative control of the project,
21:15 and I forgot to ask for any money.
21:18 Well, live and learn.
21:20 [triumphant fanfare]
21:22 [triumphant music]
21:25 [sighs]
21:27 [triumphant fanfare]
21:28 [cheering]
21:32 It's back to the basics. Classic, itchy and scratchy.
21:35 We should thank our lucky stars.
21:37 They're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.
21:41 [laughing]
21:43 What else is on?
21:45 [drilling]
21:50 [upbeat music]
21:53 ♪ ♪
22:01 [drilling]
22:06 ♪ ♪
22:13 [drilling]
22:16 ♪ ♪
22:23 ♪ ♪
22:31 [music stops]
22:32 [shushing]
22:36 [dramatic music]
22:39 [dramatic music]