Taskmaster S16E05 || Taskmaster Season16 Episode5
Category
📺
TVTranscription
00:00 *musique*
00:25 *applaudissements*
00:33 Hello, hello, I'm Greg Dalius, welcome to Taskmaster, a show for everyone.
00:39 Some enjoy the nerdy tasks, some are just here for the laughs, and some have simply come for the eye candy.
00:46 Drink it in sweet cheeks, papa's got back.
00:49 *rires*
00:53 Some are also here for the most disparate gang on TV.
00:56 So please welcome, Julian Clary, Lucy Beaumont, Sam Campbell, Sue Perkins, and Susan Wacoma.
01:08 *applaudissements*
01:12 And now for a man sitting next to me who confided in me when he was drunk,
01:16 that when his wife shouts at him, he whispers "get lost" under his breath.
01:20 *rires*
01:23 Lucy Alex Horne!
01:25 *applaudissements*
01:32 I've learned a new skill for you, I think you'll like it.
01:34 I've learned the ancient art of ventriloquism.
01:36 Would you like me to demonstrate? With my puppet?
01:39 Mr Hand?
01:41 *rires*
01:43 So I'm going to talk to him but you won't see my mouth moving.
01:47 You want to say hello to Greg, Mr Hand?
01:49 Ah, I don't want to though.
01:51 Why not? What's wrong with you?
01:53 Because he's really mean. He's so mean to you.
01:56 Woah!
01:57 Someone's got to stand up to him.
01:59 I don't think they do.
02:00 They do, I hate him.
02:01 But also, I love him. I love you. I love you, Greg.
02:05 *rires*
02:07 *applaudissements*
02:13 It must be prize-cast time by now.
02:15 Oh, it surely is. And you've asked him to bring in
02:17 the present you've been given that raises the most questions.
02:21 *oohs*
02:22 I'd love to get a present. As usual, five points
02:25 will be awarded for the present that raises the most questions
02:28 and then the winner of the episode will win all five presents.
02:31 Sam Campbell, what thing have you brought in for me?
02:34 It's a book. And it raised a lot of questions.
02:38 OK, this is the present he was given. It's this.
02:41 *laughter*
02:43 And this is a thesaurus of... English?
02:46 *laughter*
02:47 Sure!
02:48 *laughter*
02:50 And I've drawn that question mark after every word.
02:53 *laughter*
02:55 It's true, he's gone through the book and after every single word
02:57 he's done a question mark.
02:59 Jesus Christ.
03:01 *laughter*
03:03 How long does it take you to put a question mark
03:05 after every word in the thesaurus?
03:07 I would say, um, three days.
03:09 *laughter*
03:12 Three days, five pens, brother.
03:14 *laughter*
03:16 Lucy, what have you brought in?
03:18 A quiche Lorraine.
03:20 *laughter*
03:21 Great. Why has Lucy brought in a quiche Lorraine is the question it's raised.
03:24 Because I don't think it was meant to be called quiche Lorraine.
03:27 I think there's been a misunderstanding.
03:30 I think what's happened is someone's had a quiche
03:32 and then they've asked Lorraine if she wants some
03:35 and they've said quiche Lorraine and then someone's overheard
03:38 and they've thought that the quiche was called quiche Lorraine.
03:41 Oh, and there's been a domino effect.
03:43 Yeah, like, steak Diane.
03:46 *laughter*
03:50 And, um, Rogan Josh.
03:53 *laughter*
03:57 Hello, Julian. What thing have you brought in?
04:00 It's a beautiful collage that was presented to me
04:03 during one of my performances of my lovely show
04:06 at the Bloomsbury Theatre.
04:08 Ah, here it is.
04:10 *laughter*
04:17 Why did she give it to me?
04:19 And what am I supposed to do with it?
04:22 It hangs inside the wardrobe door in the spare bedroom
04:25 so that visitors are taken by surprise.
04:28 *laughter*
04:30 It's very big. It's about four foot.
04:32 Four foot?!
04:34 Oh, my God! It's quite big.
04:36 *laughter*
04:37 Hello, Susan.
04:38 I have a gift that my brother gave me for Christmas.
04:43 Here it is.
04:45 *laughter*
04:47 Oh!
04:48 Oh, God. I didn't think anything could be worse than the quiche.
04:52 *laughter*
04:55 One Christmas, um, he was like,
04:57 "Ah, I've got to buy you a Christmas present."
05:00 And then he went out and he came back after ten minutes
05:03 and he presented me with a snicker bar.
05:05 Yeah.
05:06 Yeah, that...
05:08 Well, you haven't heard the last one yet. It might not be...
05:10 OK.
05:11 *laughter*
05:16 Sue?
05:17 Um, my gift was so unexpected and so disturbing,
05:21 I've actually got it...
05:23 Oh, my God.
05:24 Oh, God!
05:26 Oh, God.
05:28 *laughter*
05:29 I'm an ambassador for Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.
05:32 Sometimes I foster little dogs for them.
05:35 Yeah.
05:36 And a couple of weeks ago, I fostered a tiny dog
05:38 and in the car park, as I was taking receipt of the little thing,
05:41 this was handed over, OK?
05:44 This is bigger than the dog that I fostered.
05:46 *laughter*
05:47 It does raise the question.
05:48 It does.
05:49 What questions has it raised to you, Alex?
05:51 *laughter*
05:53 I suppose it's like,
05:54 "Why does it look like two penises put together?"
05:57 *laughter*
05:58 Someone had to say it.
06:01 Is it a sex time, Sue?
06:03 Well, this...
06:05 Oh.
06:06 I mean, in many ways, we've got to the nub.
06:09 *laughter*
06:11 - Torry? - Yes, from lowest to highest.
06:13 All right, then.
06:14 I'm going to give Susan one point.
06:16 Oh, dear. One point to Susan.
06:17 Really? Sue's only raises two questions.
06:20 *laughter*
06:21 Why would a small dog be given a chew
06:23 and why does that chew look like two dicks?
06:25 *laughter*
06:26 So, I'm going to give that two points.
06:29 Unbelievably, Lucy's quiche raised more questions for me,
06:32 so I'm going to give it three points.
06:34 Having seen Julian's shows, I'm not 100% surprised
06:38 that there's a wonderful four-foot silky phallus
06:40 hanging on his spare bed.
06:42 *laughter*
06:44 So I'll give him four points.
06:46 But, you know, anyone who sits for three takes
06:48 and puts question marks in a thesaurus
06:51 deserves some points, right?
06:53 Five points to Sam.
06:54 Sam takes five points.
06:55 *applause*
07:00 Right, so let's crack on.
07:01 What task do you have lined up for us first, please, little Alex Horne?
07:04 Well, Greg, we're off to our location
07:06 for a spot of non-contact multi-sport.
07:09 *music*
07:22 Good morning.
07:23 Oh, hello, Sue. This way, please.
07:25 Hello, how are you?
07:26 I'm good, thank you, Julian.
07:28 *sigh*
07:30 *laughter*
07:36 Are they prescription?
07:37 Are these?
07:39 No.
07:41 Hi, Lucy.
07:42 Hi, Alex.
07:44 Your task's in the welly.
07:45 Yeah.
07:46 Yeah.
07:47 That came away with great ease.
07:54 Get the ball in the hole.
07:57 Where's the hole?
07:59 Oh, it's a mystery hole, is it?
08:04 It's by a little red flag, the hole.
08:06 *sigh*
08:07 Is it obvious where that is?
08:09 *laughter*
08:10 Over there.
08:11 Nothing may touch the ball.
08:14 After you touch one tool,
08:16 you may not touch another tool for one minute.
08:20 Yeah.
08:21 If you decide to touch the welly,
08:24 you must only do so with your foot.
08:27 That's one welly. One big welly.
08:29 Oh, that's connected to the... OK. I feel you.
08:32 Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
08:35 Where's the hole?
08:37 I put a flag next to the hole.
08:39 There. Can I go and investigate?
08:42 You do whatever you want, Susan.
08:43 Has the time started?
08:44 Yeah, when you said your time starts now.
08:46 Oh, no! Fine, well, I've got to... Wait, hang on.
08:49 This is a horn.
08:51 I think so.
08:52 What's this?
08:53 That's a barbecue fan.
08:55 But you've got a barbecue, have you?
08:57 Yes, yes, I've got a barbecue.
08:59 I built it with my friend Ben.
09:01 You've got a friend?
09:02 *laughter*
09:04 Touch the welly, do it with your foot.
09:06 Fastest wins. Your time starts now.
09:08 *applause*
09:10 Julian has developed an incredible technique
09:16 for saying things to Alex that are seemingly innocent
09:20 but then yet are so damning.
09:22 *laughter*
09:24 I'll bet you've got a barbecue.
09:26 *laughter*
09:28 Yeah, I felt so ashamed that I do have a barbecue.
09:31 *laughter*
09:33 That's quite calm.
09:34 OK, so they couldn't touch the ball, this is crucial,
09:36 only air can touch the ball, and we're going to begin
09:38 with two mighty fine men searching for a hole.
09:41 It's Julian and Sam.
09:43 What was it about touching the welly?
09:45 You can't pick it up, you have to put your foot in it, really.
09:48 Oh, I'm not doing that. No.
09:50 *musique*
09:52 *musique*
09:54 *musique*
09:56 *musique*
09:58 *musique*
10:00 *musique*
10:02 *musique*
10:04 *musique*
10:06 This one is so hard.
10:08 *musique*
10:10 Are you trying to suck it?
10:11 I'm trying to suck it.
10:12 So I've got to wait a minute.
10:14 How long do you spend practising these games?
10:18 *rires*
10:20 Are we never testing?
10:22 It's not working very well.
10:24 It's not the most gripping television anyone's ever seen.
10:28 What else could I do?
10:30 Can I use it to summon like a mole or a rabbit?
10:32 Creatures of the forest!
10:34 Help me with this game!
10:36 *laughter*
10:40 Now we're going for the hose.
10:42 *musique*
10:46 This is more like it, isn't it?
10:48 It's powering along.
10:50 Now we're talking.
10:52 Oh, great technique.
10:54 *musique*
11:02 Getting there.
11:04 Why is the hole covered up?
11:06 *laughter*
11:10 Oh, for God's sake.
11:12 *musique*
11:16 Some of the holes are covered.
11:18 Is that the hole there, back there?
11:20 Maybe.
11:22 Were you standing on that?
11:24 No.
11:26 Far out.
11:28 That's the hole, isn't it?
11:30 Oh, look at that.
11:32 *musique*
11:34 *laughter*
11:36 *musique*
11:40 *musique*
11:42 Am I under par?
11:44 If you get this in...
11:46 Top of the top.
11:48 *applaudissements*
11:52 Very good.
11:54 *musique*
12:02 How does it make you feel about Alex Horne?
12:04 When you discover that he's led you to puff your ball towards a non-existent hole?
12:12 Yeah, a foul little snake, yeah.
12:14 Foul.
12:16 How are we getting there?
12:18 Julian actually said afterwards that I've got the charisma of Matt Hancock.
12:22 *laughter*
12:24 Well, I was roused by them.
12:28 I could imagine.
12:30 Give me some statistics.
12:32 Very close times between the two of them.
12:34 3 minutes 25 for Julian.
12:36 Sam, 3 minutes 31.
12:38 Oh.
12:40 Right, it's the end of part one I'm afraid.
12:42 Don't be afraid, Craig.
12:44 *laughter*
12:46 Never let go.
12:48 *laughter*
12:50 *musique*
12:52 *applaudissements*
12:54 *musique*
12:56 *musique*
12:58 *applaudissements*
13:00 *applaudissements*
13:02 Oh! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
13:04 Come on in out of the rain.
13:06 The fire's on. You must be freezing.
13:08 Yes.
13:10 Please take all of your wet clothes off immediately.
13:12 Oh, naughty boy.
13:14 *laughter*
13:16 The competitors are busy playing non-contact table tennis ball golf
13:18 next to a cricket pitcher.
13:20 And now, here's how Sue, Susan and Lucent got on.
13:22 *laughter*
13:24 *musique*
13:26 Oh, with your foot please, with your foot.
13:28 *musique*
13:30 That's useless.
13:32 *musique*
13:34 *musique*
13:36 *musique*
13:38 I can't touch another tool for a minute now.
13:40 No, it doesn't need to be played now.
13:42 Right, get the ball in the hole.
13:44 Yep.
13:46 Where's the hole?
13:48 There's a hole somewhere.
13:50 Yeah.
13:52 Right, so get that in a minute with the hole.
13:54 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
13:56 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
13:58 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:00 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:02 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:04 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:06 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:08 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:10 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:12 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:14 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:16 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:18 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:20 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:22 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:24 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:26 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:28 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:30 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:32 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:34 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:36 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:38 Right, where's the hole? Alex, can you tell me where the hole is?
14:40 Fastest wins, Susan.
14:42 Listen, my friend, I could go as fast as I like, but if I don't know where the hole is...
14:46 Oh, it's by the red flag.
14:48 What do you mean?
14:50 There's no hole.
14:52 There is a hole. Somewhere.
14:54 Yeah, there is a hole somewhere.
14:56 Can I use this as a hole? It's a coffee cup.
15:00 Coffee cup, you say?
15:02 Out of the two of us.
15:04 You absolute anus!
15:06 You prize anus!
15:08 A hole?
15:10 Yes!
15:12 So where's the hole?
15:14 By the red flag.
15:16 Oh!
15:18 Right, so I can use this in any way I like?
15:24 As long as it doesn't touch the ball.
15:26 I'd forgotten that bit.
15:28 Yep, I thought that doesn't work.
15:30 We're going to have to go for full welly now.
15:32 Right, but not for another minute.
15:34 Ooh, that was close.
15:36 Ooh, nearly.
15:38 Ooh!
15:40 Another 20 seconds.
15:46 That's top o'clock. Well done.
15:50 Thank you.
15:52 That's top o'clock.
15:54 I'm going to whoop this.
15:56 Well, that's gone the same way as every other sporting achievement of mine's ever gone.
16:04 Yeah!
16:06 What a shot.
16:10 Susan, how did it make you feel when you realised
16:16 that the scumbag had hidden the hole?
16:18 I mean, just, like, quiet rage.
16:20 Although I don't think it was that quiet, by the way.
16:22 Lucy, I'll tell you what I wrote down.
16:26 I wrote, "I could watch Lucy Beaumont walk about with a leaf blower
16:29 "attached to her head and a cup of coffee in her hand.
16:31 "I could watch her walk about with a leaf blower
16:33 "attached to her foot all day."
16:35 Oh, that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said.
16:39 Did you enjoy that?
16:41 Yeah, cos I like hoovering up.
16:44 And I like crazy goals.
16:47 You combine two things that I like together.
16:51 Sue, you stopped the entire task at one point
16:55 to just play the bandwagon.
16:58 I mean, I'll be interested to see the end result.
17:00 Well, the end result is not many points.
17:02 Yeah, I'll go with that.
17:04 Yeah, you are last. Yeah.
17:06 Well, she had to take some time to call you a burk,
17:09 an anus, an absolute anus.
17:11 Sue took nine minutes 32. So it's one point to Sue.
17:15 Susan, you took eight minutes 24.
17:17 You get two points.
17:18 Lucy, five minutes and two seconds.
17:21 You get three points, four to Sam,
17:23 but the winner is Julian and Clare, who get five points.
17:25 There it is!
17:26 May I see the scores, please?
17:31 Yes, that means they're neck and neck at the bottom.
17:33 Sue and Susan with three.
17:34 And neck and neck at the top, Julian and Sam with nine.
17:37 What have we next?
17:41 Oh, we've got a task which I think is beneath you.
18:00 Hello?
18:01 Oh, Lucy. Hi.
18:04 Hello.
18:06 Yes.
18:10 No, I'm OK. OK.
18:13 Hi.
18:14 I do make a good entrance.
18:19 That's very brusque.
18:23 Sit down, do it, leave.
18:25 That's what television's made you.
18:29 Erm...
18:30 Yes.
18:33 The task is to do the task.
18:40 Bit of fun, Julian.
18:43 Oh, OK. Right.
18:57 Yeah.
18:58 Yeah.
19:01 Gosh.
19:03 Why is it there?
19:08 Oh, it's something where I've got to stay under there
19:10 and do something under there, hopefully.
19:12 What are they?
19:19 What, just, like, in my day-to-day life, or...?
19:22 No, I haven't, no.
19:26 Get underneath the most unique things.
19:30 Oh, cool.
19:31 If you get underneath something that someone else gets underneath...
19:41 Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm going to do nice on this, I think.
19:48 Can you leave the room?
19:55 Your time starts now.
19:56 Very good.
20:03 It does make me laugh how age affects response to some of our tasks.
20:09 And I would be like Julian if I were told that I had to do a task
20:13 underneath something.
20:14 I would find it quite wearisome and irritating.
20:18 What Sam said is, "Oh, I'm not going to do the accent.
20:21 "I almost did the accent." You can do it.
20:23 Oh, all right.
20:24 I think I'm going to have to do the task under a table.
20:29 Pause. Hopefully.
20:31 That's the age gap right there.
20:34 So they have to get underneath things, but ideally unique things,
20:37 things that the others didn't get under.
20:39 And Julian and Sullian are up first.
20:42 All right, well, the first port of call,
20:45 I want to lie underneath a cactus.
20:47 Ah, right. OK.
20:48 I am underneath it!
20:50 That's what I have to say! I'm underneath it.
20:52 I think it is, yeah.
20:53 Right, cameraman first.
20:55 Do you want me to come out?
20:56 Yes, you come out here.
20:58 You're going to have to lie on top of me.
21:00 Right.
21:01 I'll keep my legs together, if that's all right.
21:03 Yeah.
21:04 This takes me back.
21:09 I'm underneath it.
21:11 Happy?
21:13 Sound man?
21:14 Oh, sound man's right.
21:16 Bring your equipment.
21:18 What's going to be underneath? Right.
21:20 Something really unusual.
21:22 I'm underneath a part of a stand.
21:24 Right.
21:25 I'm underneath it!
21:26 Saxophone stand.
21:27 He's hardly champing at the bit.
21:30 I'm underneath it.
21:34 I'm underneath the antique Starburst art deco thing.
21:39 Yeah, you just need to say, "I'm underneath it."
21:41 I thought something might like the detail.
21:43 Alex? Yes?
21:45 I haven't been underneath you since I don't know when.
21:47 I thought you'd never ask, Julian.
21:49 I wouldn't mind sitting down.
21:50 I don't want you to sit on me.
21:52 No, fine, OK, fine, I did.
21:53 Yes, why don't you squat?
21:55 I'm underneath it.
21:58 I'm worried that he might not include it if you don't say the phrase right.
22:01 Oh. But it's up to you.
22:03 I'm underneath it. Thank you.
22:05 This is very expensive.
22:07 I'm underneath it.
22:09 Oh, can I leave the house?
22:10 Do whatever you want to.
22:12 I can leave the house.
22:15 Shall we go outside?
22:17 Shall we pick a tea, or are you...?
22:19 No, time is of the essence.
22:21 Absolutely.
22:22 Here we go.
22:23 I am underneath it. I'm actually straddling it.
22:27 But does that count?
22:28 I'm underneath it.
22:30 I'm underneath it.
22:32 I'm underneath it.
22:34 Yes, you are, Julian.
22:35 Someone's definitely gone underneath a cow, right?
22:37 But have they gone on top of the cow and underneath a tree?
22:40 I'm underneath it.
22:42 Yeah.
22:44 I'm underneath it.
22:46 I'm underneath it.
22:47 Yep, two minutes.
22:48 I'm underneath this leaf, I'm underneath this leaf,
22:50 I'm underneath this leaf, I'm underneath this leaf.
22:52 That's like 40 leaves, right?
22:54 Well, you said it five times.
22:57 20 seconds, Sue.
22:59 Are you saying there's 20 seconds for you to get on top of me?
23:01 I'm underneath it.
23:05 What are you underneath? Oh.
23:06 Pick me up, magazine.
23:08 I'm going down.
23:10 I'm underneath it.
23:11 I'm underneath it.
23:13 Oh, not in the ear, that was rude.
23:15 Oh.
23:16 I'm underneath it.
23:18 What a lovely ending.
23:20 And you've ended up in your dressing room.
23:22 Could you get my tea for me?
23:24 Yes, I'll go and bring your tea.
23:25 Thank you, Julian.
23:26 That's your time up.
23:27 I have rolled quite heavily in fox poo.
23:29 It's quite musky.
23:31 Thank you.
23:32 See you very soon.
23:33 Of course.
23:34 Bye-bye.
23:35 Bye-bye.
23:36 APPLAUSE
23:38 APPLAUSE
23:40 Was it a unique decision for you to use this task
23:43 as an opportunity to climb underneath a number of men?
23:46 Well, it was staring me in the face, wasn't it, really?
23:51 I wrote down, "I sometimes think that Julian is just killing time
23:54 "until he can have another cup of tea."
23:56 I've got under quite a lot of things.
23:59 I just do it languidly.
24:01 He does. I think you'd be surprised.
24:03 He got under more things than Sue.
24:05 Oh, I'm not surprised.
24:06 This is the woman who spent 15 minutes playing the panpipes
24:09 during a time challenge.
24:10 That is true.
24:11 What things did Julian get under?
24:13 Yeah, four or five men.
24:14 Yeah.
24:15 Baby's head.
24:16 There were 25 in total.
24:17 Sue, you just got under 20 things,
24:19 and that's including five different leaves.
24:21 Who's next?
24:22 Next up, it's Lazy Susan.
24:24 No, it's Lucy and Susan.
24:26 Here we go.
24:27 I don't think people are going to use stuff in this room
24:30 because they'll think other people will use stuff,
24:32 so I think they'll go all over the place.
24:34 I'm not going to do that.
24:35 I think I should maybe start in here.
24:37 Is that all right?
24:38 Yeah, yeah, good.
24:39 I'm underneath here.
24:42 Yes, you are.
24:43 I am underneath it.
24:46 I feel like there's so much I could do.
24:48 I could get literally every object and just go underneath it,
24:50 so I should.
24:51 What if somebody else is?
24:52 I can't worry about that,
24:53 cos you're not telling me if they have.
24:55 Again, the reason I'm doing this is because it's too obvious.
24:58 I don't think other people will do it.
25:03 I'm underneath it.
25:04 I am underneath it.
25:05 I'm underneath it.
25:08 I am underneath it.
25:11 I am underneath it.
25:14 I am underneath it.
25:17 Thanks, man.
25:20 You fit underneath quite a lot of things.
25:22 I'm 5ft1.5.
25:24 Do you know, I went to be a Disney character
25:28 and I was an inch off getting Mickey Mouse.
25:32 I'm underneath it.
25:33 I can't let you be too big for it,
25:37 because of overheating, you see.
25:39 I am underneath it.
25:41 I'm underneath it.
25:43 I am underneath it.
25:49 I should mix up, cos I'm actually getting bored of this room.
25:53 You coming?
25:54 Oh, yes, sorry, yes.
25:55 I'm underneath it.
25:58 I'm underneath it.
26:01 I'm underneath it.
26:02 Underneath the bowl, are you?
26:06 Yeah, I'm underneath it.
26:07 I'm underneath it.
26:09 I'm underneath it.
26:13 Yes, I've written down cow.
26:15 You think anyone else has got underneath any of those things?
26:20 Not one of them.
26:21 No? OK.
26:22 Not a single one.
26:23 Thanks, Lizzie.
26:30 Does that arrogant outline sting now
26:33 that you've seen the horrible truth?
26:35 It stings like a bitch.
26:36 Did they cancel out loads of things?
26:40 Well, it would be loads of things,
26:42 except Lucy did only get under a total of 12 things in ten minutes.
26:46 Wow.
26:47 The last three were the only things that no-one else went under.
26:50 The other nine, we lost you five each time.
26:52 Oh, well.
26:58 At the same time, if any member of your family has fallen asleep,
27:01 here's a little game you can play at the break.
27:03 The rest of you will sneak upstairs,
27:05 pack a bag of basics, slip out of the house and never come back.
27:08 They'll spend the rest of their life wondering, "Fun!"
27:10 Oh, hello again.
27:22 Welcome back to TASKMASTER.
27:24 Hello, I'm Alex Horne.
27:26 Now it's time to see Sam take on the underneath task,
27:29 or should I say the down-under task,
27:31 cos he's an Australian guy.
27:33 Your time starts now.
27:39 All right, I'm underneath it.
27:41 Take measure.
27:42 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
27:47 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
27:49 I'm underneath it.
27:50 What is that?
27:51 I don't know.
27:53 Oh, can you go over to the top of me?
27:56 I'm underneath it.
27:57 And?
27:58 I think you're a gent.
28:00 I'm underneath it.
28:01 What is it?
28:02 Lint.
28:03 I'm underneath it.
28:04 What is it?
28:05 This one.
28:06 I'm underneath it.
28:07 What is it?
28:08 The sticker from St Mandarin's.
28:10 Shoes, shoes, please.
28:12 I'm underneath it.
28:13 And the sock.
28:14 Some viewers are about to get very excited.
28:17 Finally, look at this.
28:19 Oh, baby.
28:20 I'm underneath it.
28:23 Oh, fuck.
28:25 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:32 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:34 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:36 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:38 What time have I got?
28:39 You've still got six and a half minutes.
28:41 I'm doing well. No, I'm not.
28:43 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:45 I've got this from someone's camera bag.
28:47 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:50 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
28:52 These are all different coins. I'm underneath it.
28:54 30 seconds left.
28:55 Camera, placing down on me.
28:57 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
29:00 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
29:02 I'm underneath it. I'm underneath it.
29:04 OK, thanks, Sam.
29:13 Do you need... Do you need help with...
29:15 I do need help, but I'm not going to ask you.
29:17 I'm going to ask Sam.
29:18 OK, sorry about that. I'm sorry to that person.
29:21 You looking for your sock?
29:23 Yeah.
29:24 That's it.
29:33 That was the energy of a sugar-pumped toddler you employed
29:36 and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.
29:38 You're just wondering, like, "What is my purpose?
29:40 "What am I good at?" And then suddenly it's like...
29:42 And then, bam, there it is.
29:44 "Lint! This one!"
29:47 He got under one thing every 8.1 seconds.
29:50 He got underneath 74 things.
29:54 I'd like to point out how heartbreakingly sweet it was
29:59 that Sam offered to tidy up.
30:01 Sometimes I think I'd like to wear you in a little papoose.
30:05 Carry you around.
30:08 Sometimes I'd like to cover you in oil and hoover up the house
30:11 and empty it on your writhing, oily body.
30:14 Oh, yeah?
30:16 And then shout, "Lint!"
30:18 So, Sam, it's unassailable, 49 points, with a 74 minus 25.
30:27 Sue only had five duplicates, so that's 20 minus 25 is minus five.
30:32 Julian, 25 things, six of them were duplicates,
30:37 so you also get minus five points.
30:39 So the scores are Sam gets five points,
30:41 Julian and Sue both gets four points.
30:43 We skip down to Lucy gets two points and Susan, I'm afraid, just the one.
30:47 But the winner by miles was Sam Campbell!
30:49 APPLAUSE
30:51 One more task for your favourite taskmaster.
30:57 Oh, yes, and it's a classic nomenclature task.
31:01 MUSIC PLAYS
31:04 ...
31:14 ...
31:21 ...
31:24 Hello.
31:26 Mmm. Mmm.
31:28 Mmm.
31:30 ...
31:34 Mm-hm.
31:36 Very mean.
31:57 ...
32:02 LAUGHTER
32:12 ...
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33:00 ...
33:02 LAUGHTER
33:28 ...
33:31 ...
33:59 APPLAUSE
34:01 ...
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34:06 ...
34:19 ...
34:28 ...
34:30 Ha!
34:54 ...
34:56 LAUGHTER
34:58 ...
35:00 ...
35:02 LAUGHTER
35:04 MUSIC PLAYS
35:06 ...
35:08 ...
35:10 ...
35:12 ...
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35:16 ...
35:18 ...
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35:24 ...
35:26 ...
35:28 LAUGHTER
35:30 ...
35:36 LAUGHTER
35:38 MUSIC PLAYS
35:40 ...
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35:54 ...
35:56 LAUGHTER
35:58 APPLAUSE
36:00 I like someone who commits a lot of time and effort
36:07 for a bit of basic wordplay. Yeah.
36:09 And thoroughly enjoy high drama.
36:11 I'm glad that you spelled out Lucy's nickname so clearly,
36:14 because I presumed it was going to be institutionalised
36:17 for her own sake.
36:19 What symbolises anarchy better than the biting of a fir tree?
36:23 LAUGHTER
36:25 Have you had much of a period of genuine anarchy in your life, ever?
36:28 No, never, no. You've never really let loose?
36:31 I've tried to just do what I'm told. Yeah?
36:33 What's the most rebellious thing you've ever done?
36:36 Once, threw a poo out of a window.
36:38 LAUGHTER
36:40 Yeah. I didn't cap off. Off the balcony.
36:46 Why did you throw a poo off the... Put it in a bag. Yeah, why?
36:49 Cos I couldn't flush it and I didn't want people to pick on me.
36:52 LAUGHTER
36:54 Let's crack on, mate. All right.
36:58 It's time to look for the last time at Julian Clarey
37:01 before he goes by another name altogether.
37:04 Shall I do what I'm going to do and you can guess my nickname?
37:07 Ready? I'm ready.
37:14 Oh!
37:16 I'm so sorry. I've broken the whole table.
37:21 Yeah, well, I guess... This is all part of my nickname.
37:24 Well, I... Oh!
37:26 Look at this. It's come right off.
37:28 This is my caravan.
37:30 Right, well...
37:32 Well, I'm sorry about that. I can only apologise.
37:35 Look at your name.
37:37 What's your new name?
37:39 Butch.
37:43 And I think I've proven my point, don't you?
37:45 I think you have, Butch.
37:47 Lovely. Thank you.
37:49 Oh! I do apologise. Sorry about that.
37:52 You can't help it, really.
37:54 Can't. When you're Butch, these things happen.
37:57 Bye, Butch.
37:59 APPLAUSE
38:01 I mean, when you look at the production values
38:07 in the two we've seen so far,
38:09 you must feel some degree of shame about it.
38:11 I think no-one offered me a film crew.
38:15 I think your nickname should be Minimal Effort.
38:18 It's break time again.
38:20 Will Butch win a quiche?
38:22 Will Lasso Perkins gain a chocolate bar?
38:24 Might Lucifer the Rock God take home a thesaurus
38:27 full of little question marks?
38:29 The answer - none of this matters.
38:31 APPLAUSE
38:33 ...
38:36 APPLAUSE
38:39 Hi, hello! Welcome back to the last part of the show.
38:43 The current task involves nicknames.
38:45 Now it's time for Susan and Samson.
38:49 Here we go.
38:51 I'd like you to take a seat. Thank you.
38:55 If you could just make sure that you rest your hands.
38:57 There and there. Thank you very much.
39:00 And I'm not really allowed to leave here.
39:02 Are you going to leave here? I'll go where you go.
39:05 Really? It's every task.
39:07 We can go out on the road.
39:09 No, but... Yes, OK. Is that allowed?
39:11 It's not encouraged.
39:13 I'm just going to pop these over your heads.
39:16 OK, I'm now going to stop talking to you in a Susan manner,
39:20 cos she's gone.
39:22 Who's here now?
39:24 Chain bastard.
39:31 This is... Do you know him?
39:33 He's driving a car.
39:35 Why are you called Chain Bastard?
39:37 You're about to find out.
39:39 Excuse me, madam.
39:43 Do you have time to quickly coin a nickname?
39:45 This is for a huge television programme.
39:47 Apologies.
39:48 Damn it!
39:50 11 and a half minutes left. Oh, no!
39:52 Ah!
39:54 What's my name? Chain Bastard.
39:56 Good. Who's the boss?
39:58 Greg Davis. No.
40:00 Who's the boss here, right now?
40:02 Ah. Is it Chain Bastard? It is Chain Bastard.
40:05 Excuse me, madam. Could I ask you a question really quickly?
40:08 I need to coin a new nickname.
40:10 You've got to go have lunch.
40:13 Yeah, good idea. Bye-bye.
40:15 Damn it!
40:17 Hmm.
40:22 What's my name? Chain Bastard.
40:28 Excuse me, just one second, one second.
40:30 Hey, how's it going?
40:32 I just need to coin a new nickname.
40:34 So if you could just give me a nickname, I'll whisper it to you.
40:37 If you could give me any nickname, what would it be?
40:42 Dr Cigarettes.
40:44 Dr Cigarettes?! What?!
40:46 Thanks, man. Stay safe.
40:49 Bye-bye.
40:51 Why did he come up with Dr Cigarettes?
40:54 I guess he just likes my vibe.
40:57 Still going? All right.
40:59 Thank you, Sam.
41:03 You enjoy that, Sam?
41:05 Sam?
41:07 Dr Cigarettes, did you enjoy that?
41:10 Alex, I had the time of my life.
41:13 Greg.
41:16 APPLAUSE
41:19 APPLAUSE
41:21 APPLAUSE
41:23 APPLAUSE
41:26 It strikes me, Susan, that even when you essentially
41:29 hold someone against their will
41:31 and give yourself the name Chain Bastard,
41:34 that you just still seem really fun and friendly.
41:38 All the suggestions that I was coming up with
41:41 were dangerous and involved, like, weapons.
41:44 So, in the end, it was the chain stayed... Yeah.
41:47 ..and then feathers arrived.
41:49 I was surprised that Chain Bastard was applying feathers.
41:54 Er, Sam, I mean, I put it to you
41:57 that before you spoke to one member of the public,
42:00 you'd already decided you wanted to be known as Dr Cigarettes.
42:03 Greg, Greg, Greg, what can I tell you?
42:06 Smoking kills.
42:08 Weaklings.
42:10 Taskmaster does not support smoking.
42:16 It's very dangerous.
42:18 Right, Greg, who, in your opinion, has the worst nickname?
42:21 Well, Julian. Ah, Butch.
42:23 One point to Butch. Chain Bastard gets two points.
42:26 Two to Chain.
42:27 Lasso Perkins, big production value.
42:30 Three points.
42:31 Now we're into Lucifer the Rock God and Dr Cigarettes.
42:35 Pekka Day keeps the doctor away.
42:38 I'm going to give Lucy four points
42:42 because I think the nickname really suits you.
42:45 And I might not even know why,
42:47 but five points goes to Dr Cigarettes.
42:50 Sam Campbell wins the task.
42:53 Right, please, can you all make your way to the stage
42:56 for the final task of the show?
42:58 Who's going to read the task out?
43:07 Lucy Beaumont's going to read this one.
43:09 One member of your team must lie on three of the squares and go to sleep.
43:13 After they have taken their position,
43:15 they must not move until the task is over.
43:18 Taking it in turn, the other team members
43:21 must try to land their cushion in each of the three sleep squares.
43:26 First team to strike out the sleeper wins.
43:30 Hmm.
43:32 So one of your team must lie in three squares.
43:36 The team will then throw this cushion back and forth,
43:39 trying to land it in the squares that they're in.
43:42 I'll tick off the misses on this.
43:44 There's a game similar...
43:46 Does it sound like cattle tips?
43:49 A little bit like cattle tips, yeah.
43:52 First of all, you've got to decide who in your team is going to be the sleeper
43:55 and where they're going to lie.
43:57 Oh, this is like battleships. Yes.
43:59 Greg, who do you want to throw first?
44:05 I want Susan to throw first.
44:08 Oh, that's a miss. It's D3.
44:12 C3. A miss.
44:15 I've got no idea what's going on.
44:18 It's like battleships.
44:20 I'm getting it confused with the different games.
44:22 Guess who I'm thinking.
44:24 Miss. Right.
44:28 Wow.
44:30 It's a miss.
44:32 Ooh! Miss. OK.
44:34 I never tried just jumping over there.
44:36 What do you reckon? It's up to you.
44:38 APPLAUSE
44:40 Ah!
44:42 Ooh! It was a miss. OK.
44:46 Miss.
44:48 Ooh!
44:54 Miss.
44:58 Ooh!
45:05 I'm going to have to ask VAR where that landed.
45:07 I can tell you.
45:09 It is a strike. We've already done that.
45:13 But it was nice to hear from Julia, cos I didn't...
45:16 I did fear for a while it might be dead.
45:19 Oh!
45:24 APPLAUSE
45:26 You're really up against it now, you jackbastard.
45:29 D4.
45:31 APPLAUSE
45:33 Both have two strikes, Greg.
45:35 It's next strike wins.
45:37 I'm going to just go like that.
45:39 Oh!
45:41 It's all over! It's all over!
45:43 APPLAUSE
45:45 Right.
45:47 Well, that's the final score. Come down and join me.
45:50 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:52 So, the team of three won, so they get five points each.
45:59 Sadly, the team of two, again, failed.
46:03 I'm so sorry.
46:05 We tried really hard and we had so much fun.
46:07 Oh, no points.
46:09 LAUGHTER
46:11 I can tell you where the series scores lie at this point.
46:14 Would you like that? Yes, I would like that.
46:16 Susan, you've got 39 points. Lucy, you've got 40. Sue, 42.
46:20 Then just a slight 12-point jump up.
46:23 Julian on 54, Sam on 57.
46:26 Wow!
46:28 APPLAUSE
46:30 This particular episode, there's a slight gulf between leader and loser.
46:34 Susan got six, Sam wins the episode with 24 points!
46:37 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39 Sam Campbell wins the show!
46:43 Please pop up to the stage and pick up your question and more presents.
46:46 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:48 Episode three is done. And you know who the winner was?
46:54 Yeah, that's right. It was Sam Campbell!
46:57 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59 Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
47:02 ...