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00:00It's the Milton Berle Show!
00:02♪♪
00:12Tonight, the Milton Berle Show joins forces with the Navy
00:16in bringing you an hour of star-studded entertainment.
00:19And here they are!
00:21The men of the USS Hancock with their families.
00:24It is to them, and to all the brave guardians of our shores,
00:28the men of the United States Navy,
00:30that we dedicate our show tonight!
00:34And now, here he is!
00:36Up on the captain's bridge, the old sea dog himself,
00:39Commodore Milton Berle!
00:42♪♪
00:54We joined the Navy to do a show.
00:56We're going to have laughs, we're going to be happy,
00:58we're going to be smiling, we're going to be dancing.
01:00So won't you join me down below?
01:03Look down there!
01:06Here he comes!
01:08♪♪
01:27Harry James and his trumpet!
01:30♪♪
01:38Buddy Rich at the drums!
01:40♪♪
01:55America's newest singing sensation, Elvis Presley!
01:58♪♪
02:08And here she comes, flying through the air with the greatest of ease,
02:12the delightful, delectable, de-lovely, Esther Williams!
02:16♪♪
02:46♪♪
02:54And now, your host for the evening,
02:56District Color Television, Milton Berle!
02:59♪♪
03:13Thank you, thank you.
03:14Before I go any further,
03:15I just want to say I was up at the captain's bridge
03:17and the captain told me that the entire carrier
03:19has the weekend off.
03:21The carrier has.
03:25You guys have got to stay here.
03:28I want to tell you it's great to be here on the Hancock
03:31and what a reception I received.
03:33They greeted me yesterday with a brass band.
03:37Well, it wasn't exactly a brass band,
03:39it was a wetback and Tijuana slapping team.
03:43Wait till I finish the joke, will you please?
03:46I was going to say it was a wetback and Tijuana
03:48slapping two tortillas together.
03:51Oh, you fools.
03:54No kidding, I said to the captain, I said,
03:56you call that a reception for me, Milton Berle?
03:58And the captain looked at me, he said,
04:00look, when you're anchored in one of the biggest bays in California,
04:04one more drip doesn't make any difference.
04:09But the captain was really very, very, very nice to me.
04:12He invited me to sleep on board last night.
04:17Now I know what a Navy bunk is.
04:20It's a bookshelf with a mattress.
04:26I didn't know Mario Lanza was on the show tonight.
04:30No, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
04:32The men here really have very beautiful accommodation.
04:35Really, they have.
04:36They've got towels marked his,
04:38and let's go to San Diego and dig up a couple.
04:43You know, you guys are very, very lucky to be stationed here
04:46right in Coronado Beach.
04:48I mean, it's beautiful.
04:49Really, I mean, the birds are flying,
04:51the trees are sighing,
04:53and the sailors are trying.
04:54I want to tell you.
04:58But that's what I like about you sailors.
05:00Really, I'm crazy about you.
05:02You sailors are all devoted.
05:04You're devoted to life, liberty,
05:06and the pursuit of anything in skirts.
05:10Really, I got to tell you this.
05:11I said to one of the sailors, I said,
05:13I'm laughing at this joke because it's so bad.
05:18No, I said to one of the sailors,
05:19I said, do you get any liberty?
05:20He said, that depends on the girls I go out with.
05:22But this,
05:25which one are you working on down here?
05:28And I want to tell you, when you guys get liberty,
05:30I know where you go.
05:31You go over here to the Mexican village.
05:33And that's really a wonderful place.
05:35What atmosphere.
05:36It's so beautiful.
05:37I said to the owner, I said,
05:38I love a place that has sawdust on the floor.
05:41He said, what sawdust?
05:42This is yesterday's furniture.
05:46And boy, these sailors are so fabulous.
05:49I really, and what lovers.
05:50One of the sailors, this I got to tell you.
05:52One of the sailors had a date the other night
05:54with a gal and he said,
05:55and she said to him, she said,
05:56I want a man who can hold me like John Wayne,
05:59squeeze me like Gregory Peck
06:01and kiss me just like Marlon Brando.
06:04He said, I can't do that,
06:05but I can bite you like Lassie.
06:12I know one sailor who's been married seven times.
06:15Really, seven times.
06:16He's not a sailor, he's a wholesaler.
06:20Everybody's getting married.
06:21Of course, you know, Margaret Truman,
06:22she's getting married to a very wonderful guy.
06:24And they're going to tie the knot at Margaret's hometown.
06:28How about that?
06:29Here's a guy who's going to go to independence,
06:31to lose his independence.
06:32This, I don't know.
06:33I can just see, just see the whole thing now.
06:36It'll be wonderful.
06:37Right after the ceremony,
06:38Harry is going to tie a pair of old shoes
06:41to the back of his car with Nixon in them.
06:46And Grace Kelly, she's getting married.
06:48Incidentally, I was asked to both weddings.
06:51They weren't really.
06:52Margaret asked me to go to Grace's wedding
06:54and Grace asked me to go to Margaret's wedding.
06:57But let's face it, marriage is really great.
06:59There's something about marriage that gets you right here.
07:03Your wife's cooking.
07:06Boy, if I got a wife.
07:07I got a lovely wife named Ruth.
07:08Plus, I changed the name recently to Paper Maid.
07:12Paper Maid, really.
07:13Because every time we have an argument,
07:14she gets in 70,000 words without refilling.
07:18Oh, this, I must tell you,
07:20before I bring out Esther Williams,
07:21I got to tell you, this morning,
07:23a sailor, a sailor ran up to the captain
07:25and he was so excited,
07:26he just couldn't think of anything to say.
07:28And the captain, the captain said,
07:30sing it out, man, sing it out.
07:32So the sailor sang it.
07:33He said, should old acquaintance be forgot
07:35and never brought to mind?
07:37The admiral fell overboard,
07:39he's a half a mile behind.
07:51And now, Victor Young,
07:52will you hold this hat, please, please?
07:54Thank you very much.
07:56And now, fellas,
07:57I want you to batten down your hatches,
07:59drop your anchor,
08:00and get ready for the moorings.
08:02We're ready now to pipe right in from Hollywood,
08:06one of Hollywood's answer to the steam catapult
08:09next to Pepsi Cola.
08:10She's America's favorite liquid refreshment.
08:14Here she is,
08:15the very glamorous,
08:16the very exciting, very talented,
08:18Esther Williams.
08:19Come on, let's bring her on.
08:32Oh, boy.
08:33Dig this crazy superstructure.
08:37When I count three,
08:38all eyeballs back in your head, please.
08:41I want to tell you,
08:42it's great, Esther.
08:43It's really great to have you here tonight.
08:44I really mean it.
08:45Well, it's wonderful being here, Milt.
08:47Yeah.
08:48And you know,
08:49sailor,
08:50you know that when I came aboard today,
08:52there wasn't one whistle?
08:53Wasn't one whistle?
08:54No.
08:55How can they whistle with their tongues hanging out?
08:59But Esther, let me look at you.
09:00Absolutely.
09:01You look beautiful.
09:02Absolutely.
09:03You're absolutely breathtaking.
09:04Oh, thank you for building me up, Milt.
09:06I didn't.
09:07You come in with it.
09:08Now, this...
09:11You look gorgeous, huh?
09:12You look absolutely gorgeous,
09:13except for one thing.
09:15What's that?
09:16I mean, how come no bathing suit?
09:18I mean, this is ridiculous.
09:19Esther Williams without a bathing suit.
09:21That's like...
09:22It's like strawberry shortcake
09:24with the whipped cream on the inside.
09:27I'm disappointed, absolutely.
09:28Well, Milton, I am through with bathing suits.
09:30There's another side to me.
09:32Yeah, but without a suit,
09:34who can tell?
09:37I mean, don't worry, fellas.
09:39If I know Esther,
09:40she'll be back in a bathing suit sooner or later.
09:41And Esther,
09:42isn't this really a handsome group of men, huh?
09:45Oh, they certainly are.
09:47Esther, how would you say that...
09:51How would you say that I compare with them?
09:55Well, Milton, your generation had charm.
10:03How do you like that?
10:04She threw me a curve
10:05and she certainly could spare it.
10:06This...
10:07Incidentally, Esther,
10:08have you met any of these fine gentlemen yet?
10:10Oh, yes, I have.
10:12And you know, one of them
10:13was even kind enough
10:14to show me around the carriage.
10:15He showed you around the carriage?
10:16Yes, I think he was
10:17the chief petting officer.
10:21Let me get...
10:22It's not petting.
10:24It's not petting.
10:25It's petty.
10:26I was with him, not you.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:30Well, these Navy men
10:31are famous for their maneuvers.
10:33I, uh...
10:34You can ask any girl.
10:36No, but really,
10:37it was a wonderful trip, Milton.
10:39Really?
10:40He took me all around the boat
10:41and he took me below deck
10:42to show me the hold.
10:43He showed you the hold, huh?
10:46Did you have any trouble breaking it?
10:50I was...
10:51Oh, these are real gentlemen.
10:52Where else did he take you, Esther?
10:54Well, he took me up on the bridge.
10:55Up on the bridge, yeah.
10:56And he even let me steer the ship.
10:58Oh, that's...
10:59Yes, I know.
11:00First time in the history
11:01that an aircraft carrier
11:02came in third at Caliente.
11:05If it never made that left turn
11:06at the freeway,
11:07I want to tell you something.
11:08Milton.
11:09You must be serious.
11:10I am.
11:11I'm terribly, terribly
11:13impressed with this carrier.
11:15I am.
11:16Yes.
11:17I want to give you some statistics.
11:18Did you know that the USS Hancock
11:21is 898 feet long,
11:23103 feet across the beam,
11:26and it took 41,000 tons of material
11:28to put it together?
11:29Really?
11:31Who made it, Jackie Gleason's tailor?
11:37But you're right.
11:38Now, I'm telling you, you're right.
11:40Esther, the U.S. Hancock
11:42is really like a floating city.
11:43Really a floating city.
11:44They've got a post office,
11:45stores, everything a man would want
11:47when he's all alone at sea
11:49for six months.
11:54The statements expressed by Mr. Burrell
11:56are entirely his own
11:58and do not reflect the opinion
11:59of this carrier.
12:01Oh, I know.
12:02You mean girls, huh?
12:03Yes, girls.
12:04Well, these men,
12:05they don't miss girls.
12:06You know the old saying.
12:08You know the old...
12:09I mean, out of sight, out of mind.
12:11That's the way it is with these guys.
12:13When the girls are out of sight,
12:14they go out of their mind.
12:17Really, they do, really.
12:18Ah, well, it wouldn't be that way
12:20if this ship were made
12:21a little more attractive.
12:22What do you mean attractive?
12:23You know what it needs?
12:24What?
12:25It needs a woman's touch.
12:26A woman's touch?
12:27Mm-hmm.
12:28I don't get you.
12:29What do you mean?
12:30Well, look at this flight deck.
12:31Look at it.
12:32Just bare boards.
12:33You know what they need here?
12:34What?
12:35They need wall-to-wall carpeting.
12:38Isn't that just jazzy?
12:39It is.
12:40Wall-to-wall carpeting.
12:42That would be a good idea.
12:43Then we'll bruise their knees
12:44when they're shooting crap.
12:45This, uh...
12:48Anything else you think this would need?
12:49Yes, yes.
12:50Yes, I do.
12:51What?
12:52I think the mess hall is just a mess.
12:55Yes, I do.
12:57I think what the mess hall needs
12:58is to be painted
12:59a nice, soft color.
13:01Yeah?
13:02Nice, pale green.
13:03Good.
13:04That's it, green.
13:05Pale green.
13:06Then it'll match their faces
13:07when they're through eating.
13:09I really...
13:10I mean, I like that.
13:11I like that.
13:12But what else did they have?
13:13Well, those sleeping quarters.
13:15What's the matter with them?
13:16Ah!
13:17They have absolutely no privacy.
13:19No?
13:20These men, these poor men,
13:21no privacy.
13:22Do you know what I would do?
13:23What would you do?
13:24I would put Venetian blinds
13:25on all the portholes.
13:27Well, that'll keep those
13:28nosy barracudas from peeking in.
13:31What's next?
13:32Anything else?
13:33Well, look at this superstructure.
13:35Beautiful.
13:36No, it is not.
13:37I think it's fabulous.
13:38I don't think so.
13:39It's a dull, dull gray.
13:40A dull gray?
13:42Well, how about
13:43putting a chartreuse
13:44flip cover over it?
13:45I...
13:46Now, Esther,
13:47I must admit that you got
13:48some pretty sensational ideas
13:49in their original.
13:50You like my ideas?
13:51Yes, I do.
13:52Who do you think I should
13:53talk to about this?
13:54I think you should go to
13:55the ship psychiatrist.
13:56I think you flap your bathing cap.
13:59I'm only kidding, Esther.
14:00Look, why don't we leave
14:01the Hancock the way it is?
14:02I mean, after all,
14:03it holds so many wonderful
14:05and exciting memories
14:06for these men.
14:07All right.
14:08I really mean that.
14:09Let's go.
14:10You can't beat
14:11the memories of Navy men.
14:12You can't beat
14:13the memories of Navy men.
14:15Take one leave in any port.
14:17You can't beat
14:18the memories of Navy men.
14:20Take one sailor at a quart.
14:22You can't beat
14:23the memories of Navy men.
14:25One big F.P.
14:27One break K.P.
14:30Memories are made of it.
14:33You can't beat
14:34the memories of Navy men.
14:36Take one pair of tight blue pants.
14:39You can't beat
14:40the memories of Navy men.
14:41And then add
14:42some yearning for romance.
14:44You can't beat
14:45the memories of Navy men.
14:46One day on shore.
14:49His pay, no more.
14:52Memories are made of it.
14:54You can't beat
14:55the nautical life, no.
14:57One sling in Tokyo.
14:59One gob hood brokyo.
15:02One geisha girl
15:04with some nylon.
15:07One big Hawaiian moon.
15:10One hula girl ensued.
15:13One little sailor boy
15:15with a smile on.
15:18Take one pound of powdered egg.
15:21You can't beat
15:22the memories of Navy men.
15:23Then you add
15:24salt pork and turkey legs.
15:26You can't beat
15:27the memories of Navy men.
15:29One gale, wave rise.
15:31One rail, twelve guys.
15:34Navy life is joy and bliss.
15:39With memories like this.
15:54Jimmy back, Jimmy back.
16:00There's one coastline
16:01worth fighting for.
16:02I'll tell you that.
16:03I'll tell you that.
16:14And now, you guys and gals,
16:17all your wives and sweethearts,
16:19you're in for a real treat.
16:20This is the first time
16:22that the Hancock is going
16:23to rock and roll
16:24while still at anchor.
16:27Here's a young man
16:28who in a few short months
16:30has gained tremendous popularity
16:32in the music business.
16:33His records are really
16:34going like wildfire.
16:35He's America's new
16:36singing sensation,
16:37our new RCA recording artist.
16:40Here he is,
16:41a big reception
16:42for Elvis Presley.
16:51Well, since my baby left me,
16:54well, I've found
16:55a new place to dwell.
16:57Well, it's down
16:58at the end of Lonely Street
17:00at Heartbreak Hotel.
17:13Oh, though it's always crowded,
17:16you still can find some room
17:19for a broken-hearted lover
17:22to cry.
17:28Well, there's the lonely,
17:30well, there's the lonely
17:32when they die.
17:34Oh, man, the half-tears
17:36keep flowing
17:37from the desk
17:38twice dressed in black.
17:40Well, there's been
17:41so long, oh, lonely street.
17:46Well, there's the lonely,
17:48well, there's the lonely
17:51when they die.
17:58Well, there's the lonely,
18:01well, there's the lonely
18:04when they die.
18:16Well, if your baby leaves you,
18:19you've got a tale to tell.
18:21Well, let's take a walk
18:23down Lonely Street
18:24to Heartbreak Hotel.
18:29Well, you'll be lonely,
18:32you'll be so lonely
18:34you could die.
18:47Thank you very much,
18:48ladies and gentlemen,
18:49and now I'd like to do
18:50my newest RCA Victor release for you.
18:53This song is called
18:54Blue Suede Shoes.
18:58Well, it's one for the money,
19:00two for the show,
19:03three to get ready.
19:04Now, go, cat, go,
19:05but don't you step
19:07on my blue suede shoes.
19:10You can do nothing,
19:12lay off of my blue suede shoes.
19:15You can knock me down,
19:17step in my face,
19:18say my name,
19:20love me to please.
19:21You can do anything
19:22that you want to do,
19:24but don't, honey,
19:25lay off my blue suede shoes.
19:28Step on my blue suede shoes.
19:31You can do anything,
19:32lay off my blue suede shoes.
19:51You can burn my house,
19:52steal my car,
19:53drink my liquor,
19:54put me on the stage.
19:56You can do anything
19:57that you want to do,
19:59but don't, honey,
20:00lay off my blue suede shoes.
20:06You can do anything,
20:07lay off my blue suede shoes.
20:25One for the money,
20:27two for the show,
20:28three to get ready.
20:29Now, go, cat, go,
20:30but don't you step
20:32on my blue suede shoes.
20:35You can do anything,
20:36lay off my blue suede shoes.
20:40Blue suede shoes.
20:43Blue suede shoes.
20:50You can do anything,
20:51but don't you step
20:52on my blue suede shoes.
21:05Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
21:06and now I've got a little surprise for you.
21:08Here for his very first public appearance,
21:11I'd like you to meet
21:13my twin brother,
21:15Melvin Presley.
21:16Melvin?
21:21Melvin?
21:39Hello, friends of Radio Land.
21:43Radio Land.
21:44Radio Land, this is television.
21:46Melvin?
21:47Milton or Mel.
21:48Melvin.
21:49Must have another brother, too.
21:52Television?
21:54What the heck is that?
21:55Well, it's a little box.
21:57It's got a window in it.
21:58Yeah?
21:59Millions of people out there.
22:00They're looking in the little window.
22:01Yeah?
22:02They can see you,
22:03but you can't see them.
22:05What a dirty peeping Tom.
22:09But, Melvin,
22:10you're wonderful.
22:11And keep buying them records,
22:13will you, folks?
22:16Mel, who's,
22:17who's,
22:18Elvis.
22:22Elvis.
22:25Hot dog.
22:27Elvis needs the money.
22:29I'll tell you,
22:30you're mighty proud to be here
22:31on this ship here,
22:32the Ushankoke.
22:33And I want you to know,
22:35the Ushankoke.
22:36Ushankoke?
22:37Ushankoke.
22:38That's what it says on the side of the boat.
22:39U-S-S-H-A-N-C-O-C-K.
22:41Ushankoke.
22:44What's the matter?
22:45I know how to spell.
22:46That's U-S-S-H-A-N-C-O-C-K, Melvin.
22:52Keep buying them records.
22:55I'm real proud of you, Elvis.
22:58Well, Melvin,
22:59I owe it all to you.
23:00You owe everything to me.
23:01That's...
23:02You taught me everything I know.
23:04Yeah, I'm glad you told that
23:05to the folks I did.
23:06I, I taught him his singing style.
23:10I used to drop grasshoppers down his pants.
23:13That's how I keep jumping around.
23:15That grasshopper.
23:18Keep buying them records.
23:21Do that for us.
23:22What are we gonna do now?
23:24Well, uh, let's sing a song.
23:26Let's sing a song to get it.
23:27Do the blue suede shoes.
23:29Half sold.
23:30Here we go, one more.
23:31Take it away.
23:32Well, it's one for the money.
23:34Two for the show.
23:36Three, you ready?
23:37Now go get it.
23:39Now go get it.
24:04One for the money.
24:05Two for the show.
24:06Three, you ready?
24:07Now go get it.
24:17You can do anything for me.
24:19All for my blue suede shoes.
24:29That was incredible.
24:40Now, uh, gentlemen,
24:42here is an event
24:43that you've been waiting for all day.
24:45For one of the men out there,
24:47tonight will be the luckiest night
24:49in your entire life.
24:50You're gonna have a date
24:52with Esther Williams
24:53right after the show.
24:54How about that, all right?
25:00Because this morning
25:02every sailor on board
25:03dropped his dog tag
25:05into a large fishbowl.
25:07And right now,
25:08we're gonna pick out
25:09the lucky dog tag
25:10to see which guy
25:11wins Esther for the evening.
25:13Will you bring out
25:14the fishbowl, please?
25:15Here we go.
25:21Thank you, Jack.
25:22Thank you, Herbie.
25:24Now here we are, gay men.
25:26Slap on your fins.
25:27Get ready for your date with Esther.
25:36The lucky serial number is...
25:40837-4659.
25:44837-4659.
25:46Whoever it is,
25:47better hurry up.
25:48We haven't got all day.
25:49All right, keep this shirt on.
25:50I'm coming.
25:51What are you making
25:52such a big deal out of?
25:53Glances on now.
25:55Never heard of that.
25:57Glances.
25:58Never heard of that.
25:59Glances.
26:07Frances, of all people...
26:10I can't believe my eyes.
26:12It's you, Frances.
26:13You're in the Navy?
26:15No.
26:16No, I'm Prince Rainier.
26:17I'm sailing to Monaco
26:18for the wedding.
26:19Okay?
26:21Send me a present.
26:22I'll send you a present.
26:24I will.
26:25I don't understand
26:26Frances in the Navy.
26:27They pass the rat guards.
26:30That's what I want to know.
26:31How you...
26:32Oh, that's clever.
26:33Oh, I think that's so brilliant.
26:35Oh, yes.
26:36It's a fitting remark
26:37for this great occasion.
26:38What occasion?
26:39Gob meets slob.
26:40I'm pleased to hear that.
26:43Just be careful how you...
26:44how you...
26:45you're pulling on
26:46government property here.
26:47I'm sorry.
26:48How do you like this?
26:49Really, I read into a fishbowl
26:50and I come up with a shrimp.
26:52Well, what about me?
26:53I come up here for a date
26:54and I wind up with a nut.
26:55I would...
26:57Now, stop stalling.
26:58Where's Esther Williams?
26:59I want a date
27:00and I want to go out
27:01with Esther Williams.
27:02This I can't believe.
27:03You want to go out
27:04with Esther Williams?
27:05Why, what's wrong with her?
27:06I would...
27:10What's wrong?
27:11There's nothing wrong with her.
27:12It's you.
27:13It's you.
27:14You look like something
27:15that dropped down
27:16from the crow's nest.
27:17Oh, isn't that cute?
27:18Yeah.
27:19Oh, such sophisticated repartee.
27:20You're a regular wild Oscar.
27:21I would...
27:23Not wild Oscar.
27:24You mean Oscar Wilde.
27:25No, wild Oscar.
27:26He's a jerk in my neighborhood.
27:27Oh, shut up.
27:29Careful of you.
27:30Remember one thing.
27:31Now, remember one thing.
27:32Uncle Sam
27:33didn't need you at all.
27:34Oh, yes, he did.
27:35No.
27:36And you better be careful
27:37how you handle me.
27:38Yeah?
27:39Yeah, because you're getting
27:40in a lot of trouble with him.
27:41Yeah?
27:42Because Uncle Sam needs me.
27:43If Uncle Sam needs you,
27:44we're all in trouble.
27:45Isn't that a corker?
27:46Oh, I think that's a corker.
27:47All right.
27:48I just got one thing to say to you.
27:49What do you want?
27:50You better be off this ship
27:51by six o'clock.
27:52And what if I'm not?
27:53You'll go over to Fantair
27:54with the rest of the garbage.
27:56Very funny.
27:58You're happy to talk
27:59that way to me?
28:00I flew all the way down
28:01to United Airlines
28:02right down to San Diego
28:03to entertain.
28:04You're right.
28:05I shouldn't say those things.
28:06You're darn right
28:07you shouldn't say things like that.
28:08Because your coming here today
28:09is a great novelty
28:10for these men.
28:11Well, thank you very much.
28:12It'll be the first time
28:13they get seasick
28:14without leaving the dock.
28:15I was...
28:19I wonder if Hollywood knows
28:20that there's two talking mules
28:21named Francis.
28:22I mean, you shouldn't complain.
28:23You don't have to watch me.
28:24You had your choice
28:25of staying ashore
28:26or staying here and watch me.
28:27Some choice.
28:28What do you mean?
28:29Give me liberty
28:30or give me death.
28:31I was...
28:32Why am I standing here
28:33arguing with you?
28:34You're stopping me
28:35from doing my show.
28:36Well, that's our job
28:37to protect the American people.
28:38Oh, shut up.
28:39Why don't you take off your hat
28:40and show them
28:41what a real flat top looks like?
28:42Flat top?
28:43Funny.
28:44Oh, funny, funny,
28:45funny, funny,
28:46funny, funny.
28:47Oh, you're such a cod.
28:49Why don't you mail
28:50yourself to me?
28:52Why don't you mail yourself
28:53to that dead letter office?
28:56Now, will you stop
28:57bothering me?
28:58I'm mad.
28:59I'm boiling.
29:00You must be boiling.
29:01You're laying three-minute eggs.
29:02Now, shut up!
29:04Oh, don't laugh at me.
29:05You don't think I'm funny.
29:06You don't think I'm...
29:07Oh, I think you're very funny.
29:09But what's one against the world?
29:10I was...
29:12I'll have you know
29:13that when it comes to comedy,
29:14there isn't a handful of people
29:16who can come near me.
29:17I don't know a handful of people
29:18who want to come near me.
29:20You're talking to Milton Berle.
29:21Milton Berle, star of television.
29:23I'm outstanding in the field.
29:25You look like something
29:26that's out crawling in the field.
29:31Now, listen.
29:32When I tell jokes,
29:33people take their hats off to me.
29:35Oh, that I agree.
29:36That I agree.
29:37I think it's only fitting
29:39to take off your hat
29:40for something that dies.
29:44Were you born
29:45or did they scrape you
29:46off the bottom of the boat?
29:49There goes another one.
29:56Now, Francis,
29:57will you do me...
29:58Will you do the country a favor
29:59and get out of the Navy?
30:00Would you do that for me?
30:01I would, but I can't
30:02get out of these pants.
30:04Fine sailor.
30:05You don't even know
30:06the first thing about a ship.
30:07I...
30:08You don't know the first thing...
30:09No, you don't.
30:10I know everything about ships.
30:11You do?
30:12Ask me anything about a ship.
30:13All right, where's forward?
30:14Up front.
30:15Where's starboard?
30:16Over there.
30:17Where's stern?
30:19For your information,
30:20stern is back of the ship.
30:22And that's where he's doing
30:23caving in the back of the ship.
30:30I'll stick him.
30:31Don't worry, I'll stick him.
30:32I'll ask you a few more questions.
30:33What does four bells mean?
30:34Two o'clock.
30:35What's eight bells mean?
30:36Four o'clock.
30:37What's nine bells mean?
30:39There's a good human man on board.
30:40Have a seat.
30:44Oh, I'm telling you,
30:45this is ridiculous.
30:46And you don't know anything.
30:47You don't...
30:48And you want to go out
30:49with Esther Williams.
30:50Are you kidding?
30:51This I never heard of.
30:52She's a foot taller than you.
30:53How are you going to kiss her?
30:54Well, for a bargain like me,
30:55she'll come down to the basement.
30:59Now, come on, stop storming
31:00and bring out Esther Williams.
31:01I can't, I...
31:02Bring out Esther Williams.
31:03All right.
31:04I want Esther Williams.
31:06Don't yell at me,
31:07do you understand?
31:08He's insanely jealous.
31:11Bring out Esther Williams.
31:12All right.
31:13Esther, darling, come on out here.
31:15Come on out here, Esther.
31:17Come on.
31:24I told you she'd be out here
31:25in a bathing suit.
31:26Now, Esther, darling,
31:27I know that you do anything
31:28for your country,
31:29but this may be asking too much.
31:32This is the sailor
31:33that won you for a date tonight.
31:35Well, I'm very happy to know you.
31:38So am I.
31:41Well, if you're ready,
31:42Miss Williams,
31:43let's slip off
31:44to the silvery sands of Coronado
31:47where we can contemplate
31:48the cloud formations
31:50and hawk to the symphony
31:52of the waves
31:53as they murmur against the shore.
31:56That sounds wonderful.
31:57What do we do after that?
31:59Then we'll get loaded.
32:00Shut up!
32:03Pardon me, will you?
32:04Frances, you can't talk like that.
32:06She's a big movie star
32:07and movie stars are not used
32:08to being talked like that,
32:09you understand?
32:10You're very rude
32:11and once and for all,
32:12I want to tell you,
32:13you don't talk that way to me
32:14because me,
32:15I'm a great, great,
32:16big movie star.
32:17Oh, chimp, chimp, chimp, chimp.
32:20Big movie star.
32:21Yes, I am a movie star.
32:22Uncle thinks he's a movie star.
32:23Yes, I am.
32:24Out in Hollywood,
32:25I'm just waiting to get
32:26into the right vehicle.
32:27You shouldn't get into one,
32:28you should get hit by one.
32:31Pardon me,
32:32you make me so mad.
32:33I'm telling you,
32:34every time I talk to you,
32:35my heart beats like a hammer
32:36and I shake like a leaf.
32:37What's with you?
32:38Maybe you're in love with me
32:39and you don't know it.
32:43Now look, please.
32:44Will you watch yourself?
32:45Will you watch yourself?
32:46You're kidding.
32:47What do you mean?
32:48You must be kidding.
32:49She's standing here in a bathing suit
32:50and you tell me to watch myself?
32:53Oh, I can't do it.
32:54Well, now look.
32:55Come here.
32:56Come here just a minute.
32:57I'm scolding her.
32:58You're so cute
32:59and you're so adorable.
33:00Yeah.
33:01You remind me
33:02of a miniature Rock Hudson.
33:03Yeah.
33:04I'd like to tie a rock
33:05around his neck
33:06and throw him in a Hudson.
33:08Now look,
33:09Esther,
33:10if you want a good looking
33:11movie star type,
33:12I've often been referred to
33:13as another tab hunter.
33:14Sure.
33:15When it comes time
33:16to pick up the tab,
33:17they're going to hunt for you.
33:19What are you trying to do?
33:20Horning on my day?
33:21I'm not horning.
33:22I won the contest,
33:23not you.
33:24It's true.
33:25Milton, it's true.
33:26He won me fair and square
33:27and I'm going out with him.
33:28Yeah.
33:29Let's tell him
33:30and we'll really live it up, huh?
33:31All right.
33:32Huh?
33:33We'll go to Mexico.
33:34Let's do it.
33:36Mexico?
33:37Take me with you, huh?
33:38You're kidding.
33:39Don't you know
33:40you can't smuggle dope
33:41across the border?
33:43No.
33:47Please, Esther,
33:48you're really going out with him.
33:49Why don't you go out with him
33:50when they get through
33:51building him?
33:52Now Milton.
33:53What?
33:54You've got to stop
33:55scolding this sweet boy.
33:56That's right.
33:57I think he's
33:58absolutely adorable.
33:59You know something?
34:00Good things come
34:01in small packages.
34:02Some of the most famous
34:03lovers in history
34:04were small men.
34:05Yeah.
34:06Short men.
34:07I just love short men.
34:10Remember me,
34:11Toulouse-Lautrec?
34:14Yeah.
34:15Listen to me.
34:16You intrigue me.
34:17Yeah?
34:18Tell me all about
34:19your hopes and your dreams.
34:20And what do you do
34:21for excitement on the ship?
34:22Oh, the usual things.
34:24Backgammon,
34:25badminton,
34:26shuffleboard.
34:35Not shuffleboard.
34:36Shuffleboard.
34:38You shuffle with you one
34:39and I'll shuffle with mine.
34:41Are you ready?
34:43What?
34:44Are you ready now?
34:45Yes, I'm ready.
34:46Now, wait a minute.
34:47Just a minute.
34:48Now, just let me
34:49straighten one thing out.
34:50Miss Williams has on
34:51a bathing suit.
34:52You want to uphold
34:53the dignity of the Navy,
34:54you have on a sailor suit.
34:55Now, you cannot
34:56walk down the street.
34:57You can't go to Mexico
34:58with Miss Williams
34:59in a bathing suit
35:00and you in a sailor suit.
35:01Now, what are you
35:02going to do about it?
35:03What are you going to do?
35:04Well, I'll just do
35:05this about it.
35:06That's it.
35:07Here we go.
35:08I never have.
35:12Thank you, Esther.
35:13Thank you, Arnold Stein.
35:14Ladies and gentlemen,
35:15Esther and a very,
35:16very big surprise
35:17that'll be back
35:18a little later.
35:19Oh, man.
35:20You hear that?
35:21That's the
35:22sound of a drum.
35:23It's a big
35:24drum.
35:25It's a big
35:26drum.
35:27It's a big
35:28drum.
35:29It's a big
35:30drum.
35:31And it's a big
35:32drum.
35:33And it's a big
35:34drum.
35:35And it's a big
35:36big drum.
35:37And it's a big
35:38big big
35:39Man, you hear that?
35:40Now, if that man was your bugler,
35:42it'd be a pleasure to wake up.
35:45Wake up every morning.
35:46Do I have to say more?
35:47Here he is, the man behind the horn,
35:48the one and only Harry James.
35:51♪♪
35:58♪♪
36:08♪♪
36:18♪♪
36:28♪♪
36:38♪♪
36:48♪♪
36:58♪♪
37:08♪♪
37:18♪♪
37:23-♪♪
37:28Thank you very much.
37:29Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
37:31And now we'd like to do a little thing for you
37:32that's called the 2 o'clock jump
37:34with an introduction by the great Buddy Rich.
37:36Let's...
37:37♪♪
37:47♪♪
37:57♪♪
38:07♪♪
38:17♪♪
38:27♪♪
38:37♪♪
38:47♪♪
38:57♪♪
39:07♪♪
39:17♪♪
39:27♪♪
39:37♪♪
39:47♪♪
39:57♪♪
40:07♪♪
40:17♪♪
40:24Buddy Rich at the drums.
40:25How about that?
40:27Wonderful, Harry.
40:28Encore, encore.
40:29Want another number?
40:30I'll be very glad.
40:31Oh, you laugh, huh?
40:33You don't think I can play.
40:34Are you kidding?
40:35I used to be with Dorsey.
40:36Tommy or Jimmy?
40:37Beep beep.
40:38I think I'll play by ear this show.
40:42You and I, Mr. Schwartz and Mr. James,
40:46are going to do a duet.
40:47All right.
40:48We're going to play night and day.
40:49You fiddle around the day and...
40:51Would you do me a favor, please?
40:52Give me an arpeggio, please.
40:54You don't mind.
40:56What are we going to play?
40:57Oh, uh...
40:58What would you like to hear?
40:59What did you say?
41:00I said, what would you like to hear?
41:01Clyde McCoy, but we're stuck with you.
41:04Oh, that's a good one.
41:06That's very good.
41:07Nothing, okay.
41:08I...
41:09Did you have onions for dinner or something?
41:11Now, let's stop fooling around.
41:13You understand?
41:14Everybody in attention and watch yourself at all times.
41:16As Jackie would say.
41:17Watch...
41:18You understand?
41:19I want to do what I want to do
41:20and you can do what you want to do.
41:22Destroy yourself.
41:24It's later...
41:25What are you doing?
41:27Who asked him?
41:29Who is this, your brother, Jesse?
41:31Funny line.
41:32Oh, say.
41:33Funny joke, huh?
41:34Thank you very much.
41:35Thank you very much for the horse you gave me.
41:36He's a horse owner, you know.
41:37He gave me a horse, what was it?
41:38Yesterday at 10 for Ann?
41:39Yeah, but you see, it was his first time around the track.
41:41Yes.
41:42He didn't know the way.
41:43Follow the other horses.
41:45There will be no jokes by you.
41:48Do it.
41:49I will.
41:50Give me a safe.
41:53Here we go.
41:54Take it from the top where it says, with him.
41:57Horse is on it.
41:58Yeah.
41:59Too fast.
42:02I'll rehearse the band.
42:03Because I want to do what I want to do
42:05and you can do what you want to do.
42:07Stop it!
42:09I'll take it right from the top.
42:10Here we go.
42:11And...
42:12And...
42:22Here we go.
42:30Let's play the tiger rag.
42:31Are you ready?
42:32Here we go!
42:42Ah!
43:01Fine.
43:05We'll be back in 30 seconds
43:07after 30 second identification.
43:09Take it away, please.
43:12Stay tuned for Esther Williams,
43:15Harry James, Milton Berle,
43:17live in color.
43:42Now hear this.
43:43Now hear this.
43:44Liberty Party fall in for inspection by the captain.
44:12Over the side.
44:13Let's go, men.
44:16It's liberty time.
44:17It's liberty time again.
44:19Yes, sir.
44:20Nobody knows where or when.
44:24You'll have a good time.
44:25You'll have a good time again.
44:28But while we're in town,
44:32we'll swap this flight deck down.
44:36We'll swap this flight deck down.
44:39We'll swap this flight deck down.
44:43I got a strong bunch of waves.
44:46Waves!
44:47And every wave can do the work of ten.
44:50They'll be doing the things you want to,
44:52scrubbing with soap and water,
44:54till you get back on board again.
44:58Here they come.
45:10Who's in charge here?
45:33This is the Navy Seaman's
45:36This is the Navy Seaman's Smith.
45:40Swap down the deck the length and width.
45:44What should we scrub when we scrub each crack?
45:47Bring your junk to my bunk, scrub my back.
45:58To enlist as a wave is really the chance of a lifetime.
46:05If I had another chance,
46:07I would probably do it again.
46:12For the last two weeks,
46:14I have done enough work for a lifetime.
46:19And I shudder at the thought of continually doing it for ten.
46:26How we march and we march in the Navy.
46:31Every maid on parade is a joy.
46:35And we still slowly drill in the Navy.
46:39We're aboard and adored, skirts are high.
46:43How we work and we work in the Navy.
46:48On the land where the standards are high.
46:51You adore every chore in the Navy.
46:55If you don't, you'll be left high and dry.
46:59Get the soap, get the water, get the mop, get the water.
47:03Get the pail, get the water, never stop with the water.
47:10We're a wreck with the water.
47:14It's all we do the whole day through.
47:18How we march and we drill in the Navy.
47:22And we might see the sights that we crave.
47:25That we crave, but we still get a thrill in the Navy.
47:30Though we march and we work and we march and we work and we slay.
47:39Water's a starting love.
47:42It takes a lot of water, cause a whole lot of water makes a way.
47:49On the land from a family dependency.
47:52On a date, she would wait to be kissed.
47:56Funky drunk never prompts us a tendency.
48:00So the wait felt it's safer and less.
48:04We get up with the water, then we dress with the water.
48:08Start the day with the water, go to bed with the water.
48:12Hit the sack with the water, then we're back in the water.
48:16It's all you get for just a little bit.
48:23But we're true to the rule that we travel.
48:28If we must, we'll adjust and convert.
48:31From a wife to a lover, we travel.
48:35And we'll work and we'll march and we'll work and we'll march till we hurt.
48:42It only takes a little bit of water if you want to be a squirt.
48:52Wow! You're gorgeous!
48:56A whole lot of water makes a way.
48:59A whole lot of water makes a way.
49:09Oh, it takes a lot of water, cause a whole lot of water makes a way.
49:17Well, fellas, I guess this is it.
49:32But before we go, first I want to thank a very great man.
49:37If I can stand up and take a bow.
49:39Captain Black, would you stand up and take a bow.
49:41Captain Black, gentlemen.
49:43Thank you, Captain.
49:47I want to thank you and your wonderful staff for rolling out the red carpet for us.
49:51And I want to thank all of you men for receiving our show the way that you did.
49:56You just don't know what it is.
49:58It's a great honor for us to be here at the Hancock, one of the finest ships in the Navy.
50:02Am I right, Esther?
50:04That's right, Milton.
50:06Mary, Buddy, Elvis.
50:08You know, the Hancock is really one of the finest ships in the Navy.
50:10And it's a great thrill being here.
50:12Next week, ladies and gentlemen, Dinah Shaw will be on the same time as I was on this week.
50:17And I'll have as her guest Dean Martin and Marge Ngawa Champion.
50:21I'll be back three weeks tonight, three weeks from tonight, with a new show.
50:25May I say good night?
50:27God bless you all. Thank you very much.
50:28Thank you very much.