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Art et designTranscription
00:00 *Musique*
00:03 *Clic*
00:03 *Musique*
00:21 *Cloches*
00:25 *Musique*
00:32 *Musique*
00:35 *Bruit de pas*
00:37 *Musique*
00:55 *Bruit de cloche*
00:55 *Bruit de cloche*
00:56 *Bruit de cloche*
00:56 *Musique*
01:25 *Musique*
01:33 *Musique*
01:37 *Musique*
01:42 *Musique*
02:00 *Soupir*
02:01 *Musique*
02:12 *Musique*
02:32 *Musique*
03:01 *Musique*
03:06 *Rires*
03:08 *Musique*
03:37 *Rires*
03:39 *Rires*
03:51 *Rires*
03:53 *Musique*
04:21 *Musique*
04:25 *Musique*
04:29 *Musique*
04:33 *Musique*
04:39 *Musique*
04:45 *Musique*
04:55 *Musique*
05:05 *Musique*
05:27 *Rires*
05:29 *Musique*
05:31 *Musique*
05:33 *Musique*
05:43 *Musique*
05:51 *Musique*
06:01 (musique)
06:03 (applaudissements)
06:06 - And this one is for me.
06:08 (applaudissements)
06:10 Trust me. It will be your breast friend.
06:14 (rires)
06:16 - I don't get it.
06:19 But thank you for the horse-shoe shaped pillow.
06:22 It will bring the baby good luck.
06:25 - It's for feeding the baby.
06:28 - You do realize that you're going to have to feed the baby, right?
06:31 - With all due respect,
06:33 Louane and I don't need some fancy pillow to feed our baby.
06:38 Monkeys don't need pillows to feed their young.
06:43 - I'm not following you.
06:44 - I've watched a lot of nature programs,
06:47 and it seems to me most of life's questions
06:50 can be answered with another question.
06:53 What would a monkey do?
06:56 - And here is something else for you two.
06:58 I saved every single thing that Bobby ever wore,
07:02 sat in, or spit up on.
07:04 I only hope they bring you as much joy as they brought me.
07:08 - Oh my gosh.
07:10 Thank you, Aunt Peggy.
07:13 (musique)
07:17 - We meet again, Mr. Giggles.
07:21 (musique)
07:22 (surprise)
07:24 - You're not actually going to give this stuff to Louane,
07:26 are you?
07:27 - Oh no, I'm just going to let her borrow it
07:29 until Bobby has a child.
07:33 - We've learned so much about parenting
07:35 since this mobile was made.
07:38 It wasn't designed to stimulate baby brain growth.
07:40 - Oh, you modern mothers.
07:42 You need all those gadgets and gizmos.
07:45 Back in my day, we had to get by on gumption,
07:48 and Bobby turned out just fine.
07:50 (musique)
07:54 - Yes, and if Bobby is the kind of child
07:56 Louane wants to raise,
07:57 she should certainly follow your advice.
08:00 (disagreement)
08:02 - Now, hold on.
08:03 There is nothing wrong with how I raised my child.
08:06 - I'm just saying it might be a good idea
08:08 for Lucky and Louane to take a child care class
08:11 so they can learn or unlearn whatever they need.
08:15 (musique)
08:17 - Fine, why don't we all go?
08:19 Perhaps we'll all get a refresher
08:20 on what's important to a child
08:22 and what's just a desperate attempt
08:24 to prove to the world that you're a good mother.
08:27 (musique)
08:30 - Fun!
08:32 (musique)
08:34 - Welcome to Baby Care Basics.
08:37 I'm Gloria, your instructor.
08:39 We will cover many topics in our course,
08:41 including how to soothe a teething baby.
08:44 - Oh, I know this one.
08:46 My Aunt Peggy told me.
08:47 Scotch on the gums.
08:52 - No, giving a child alcohol is never advised.
08:55 - Well, not a lot.
08:57 Just enough to take the edge off.
08:59 - I find if I freeze a peach slice
09:01 and wrap it in a washcloth,
09:03 the baby gets soothing pain relief
09:05 and a serving of fruit.
09:07 - Hmm.
09:08 - We will also discuss how to help a baby
09:10 sleep through the night.
09:12 - Maybe let someone else answer.
09:14 - Oh!
09:15 - Aunt Peggy told me that one, too.
09:17 Put it on its stomach
09:19 and surround it with lots of pillows and blankets
09:22 so it feels secure.
09:24 - Oh, my, that's outdated information.
09:26 - We now know that's quite dangerous.
09:29 - No one should listen to this woman.
09:31 (musique)
09:33 - In fact, I'm going to take this doll away from you.
09:36 I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you practicing on it.
09:38 (musique)
09:41 (musique)
09:45 - Oh!
09:47 I can't believe
09:49 that I got kicked out of our baby class.
09:52 My baby's gonna be here in two weeks.
09:55 I don't have time to learn what I need to learn.
09:59 - We're gonna fix this, baby doll.
10:01 I will go to the video store
10:03 and rent every monkey movie ever made.
10:06 - No, I will fix this.
10:09 I'll have Jason pick up the kids today.
10:11 I'll stay here until the baby is born
10:13 and teach you everything I know, which is a lot.
10:15 - You do not have to do that.
10:17 Yes, things have changed since I had Bobby,
10:19 but I still know how to raise a child,
10:22 and there is nothing wrong with any of this stuff.
10:25 (couinement)
10:28 - Um, I think we're gonna start listening to Myrna now, Aunt Peggy.
10:33 It's not that we don't love you.
10:35 It's just that, well, we want our baby to live.
10:39 - I have read every book, magazine, and blog
10:42 dedicated to child care.
10:44 - Lucky, you will need to baby-proof this house.
10:46 - Can do.
10:48 When I'm done, not even the wildest of babies
10:51 will be able to get in here.
10:53 - And Luan, I will make sure you have a drug-free,
10:56 stress-free hypnobirth.
10:58 - No, no, no. Trust me.
11:00 You need hard, class-three narcotics.
11:03 - Drugs are for sick people, Peggy.
11:05 Luan isn't going to treat her baby like a disease,
11:08 like you did with your son.
11:10 (acoustic guitar)
11:14 - It must be cold out there in the desert tonight.
11:16 - I have my love to keep me warm.
11:19 I'll talk to you when I get the truth of consequences.
11:23 (engine revving)
11:24 - I'll have a salad and a diet soda.
11:26 - Stayed in shape, huh, honey?
11:28 - (gasps) Honey?
11:30 I thought I was honey.
11:34 - Is that you, Bill?
11:36 - How many other "honeys" do you have?
11:38 Is it just him, or do you say it to every
11:40 salad-eating playboy in the Taurus?
11:42 - What? - Goodbye, Jane! Forever!
11:45 - Wait, no! Bill, come back!
11:48 - You know what? A lemon pie sounds pretty good.
11:51 - And this Myrna is filling Luan's head
11:54 with all sorts of crazy ideas,
11:56 and Luan is soaking them up
11:58 like a simple obedience sponge.
12:00 - Well, Myrna was right about some of these
12:02 hand-me-downs being dangerous.
12:04 I'm not sure pacifiers come painted anymore.
12:08 - I still have plenty to teach Luan
12:10 about being a good mom.
12:12 She just won't listen to me.
12:14 - Luan needs to learn this stuff on her own.
12:17 It might be time to push her out of the nest
12:19 and get our freedom back.
12:21 Come on, Peggy, push with me.
12:26 - (sighs) Maybe you're right.
12:28 Besides, if I fight, I...
12:30 I'm gonna lose her.
12:32 I will have to bend.
12:34 - Thanks for helping me baby-proof, gentlemen.
12:39 - No problem.
12:41 One of the many joys of being a parent
12:43 is all the stuff you get to assemble
12:45 and then later disassemble.
12:47 Myrna says we're supposed to crawl around
12:50 to find out what's dangerous.
12:52 - It's amazing. To an unsuspecting baby,
12:58 almost anything can become a weapon.
13:01 For example, this weapon.
13:04 - Lucky I know you care a lot about what your sister says,
13:09 but maybe it's time you and Luan
13:11 started thinking for yourselves.
13:13 No can do, Uncle Hank.
13:15 - (coughs)
13:17 - Choking hazard identified.
13:24 - I can't wait to show you the new nursery, Aunt Peggy.
13:32 - And I cannot wait to see it.
13:38 - Myrna?
13:40 - Ta-da!
13:42 - Oh, my!
13:48 - Myrna says everything is black and white and red
13:51 to help the baby see and think.
13:53 - Really? Hmm.
13:55 I wonder if that's why the Nazis chose those colors.
13:58 - Over here is the tummy time station
14:00 where Luan will give her baby
14:02 three ten-minute strength-building sessions per day.
14:05 - And these DVDs are gonna help my baby's brain.
14:08 - This worm has so much wisdom.
14:11 - Oh, for God's sake.
14:17 - That's what it sounds like inside my womb.
14:19 It's what you would hear if I swallowed your ear.
14:22 - Isn't this room wonderful?
14:24 - Well, I think you captured the...
14:26 I mean, I think it's...
14:29 I think it's awful.
14:33 - Luan, it's joyless, it's creepy.
14:35 - Peggy, this is awkward enough
14:37 without you critiquing our nursery.
14:39 - This is Luan's nursery,
14:41 and if she keeps listening to you,
14:43 her kid is gonna end up like yours--
14:45 a book-reading, water-drinking robot!
14:49 - Oh, guys?
14:52 - Not now, Luan. - Not now, Luan.
14:54 - I think the baby's coming.
14:56 Ow!
15:02 - Why can't Luan just give birth
15:04 in a God-dang hospital like everyone else?
15:07 - You are preaching to the choir, Hank,
15:09 but no one is asking me anymore.
15:12 - Well, I guess a waiting room is a waiting room.
15:15 - Luan--or should I say Myrna--
15:17 doesn't want us in a waiting room, uh-uh.
15:19 She wants everyone with her as she gives birth--
15:22 in that tub.
15:24 - Duh!
15:27 What doctor agreed to this?
15:29 - There is no doctor.
15:31 - The baby will be delivered by a facilitator--
15:34 that man in the open robe in Speedo.
15:37 - Ugh. This is gonna ruin baths for me forever.
15:43 - Do all these people really have to be here?
15:52 - Trust me, this is the best way
15:54 for your baby to enter the world--
15:55 surrounded by a support network.
15:58 - If we open up all the windows,
16:00 can I light a hibachi?
16:01 - Here comes another contraction.
16:03 What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
16:05 - Okay, deep breaths, Luan, like we practiced.
16:08 You're in a wheat field. There's a gentle breeze.
16:11 - Okay.
16:13 A breezy, painful wheat field.
16:18 Lots of wheat, lots of pain.
16:20 I hate this wheat field.
16:22 I think I need to walk around.
16:23 - Excellent. It's good to walk around
16:25 during the beginning stages of labor.
16:27 - Beginning?
16:29 [inhales, exhales]
16:31 - Marna, would you get me the NESCD?
16:34 - You'll need something stronger.
16:36 I'll get chanting monks.
16:38 - Aunt Peggy, can I talk to you?
16:41 Get me out of here now.
16:45 - Consider it done.
16:47 [guitar riff]
16:50 - [grunts]
16:52 - We are busting Luan out of here
16:54 and getting her to a hospital.
16:55 - Hold on a minute there.
16:57 What if she gives birth in my truck?
16:59 - You know, there's a limit to what Armorall can do.
17:02 - [sobbing] I hate this!
17:04 - Hank, this is happening with or without you.
17:07 Bobby, you need to cause a distraction.
17:11 Do you think you can do that?
17:12 - A chance to flex my improv muscles.
17:15 I like it.
17:17 - Mm-mm. Wait for Luan's signal.
17:19 [inhales, exhales]
17:26 - Um, Marna, um, can you get my floaties from my purse?
17:31 I can't swim so good.
17:33 - It's hard to believe in just a few hours
17:38 we'll have a baby,
17:40 and you'll be thin again.
17:42 - Bobby, no!
17:44 Cannonball!
17:46 - No!
17:48 [crash]
17:49 What are you doing? Get out of there!
17:51 This is what happens when you give kids juice.
17:54 - You're changing the birthing tub!
17:57 - Double meat meal, please.
18:03 - Bill? Is that you? Where have you been?
18:06 - Not that it's any of your business,
18:08 but I had lunch at Alouli's,
18:10 and it was delicious.
18:12 - Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
18:14 They know how to treat a guy there.
18:16 - What are we doing?
18:17 Why are we trying to hurt each other?
18:19 - I don't know. I miss us.
18:21 - I miss us too. - I could be there in an hour.
18:24 - What are you waiting for, honey?
18:27 - [meow]
18:28 - [gasps]
18:30 - What's going on, baby doll?
18:34 Where are we going?
18:35 - We are taking Luanne away from this glorified hot tub club
18:38 to a proper hospital.
18:40 - I want to go someplace where there's doctors
18:42 and nurses and painkillers!
18:44 - Now, Luanne, we thought this through.
18:47 Marna said a birthing center was the first step
18:50 on the road to a perfect baby.
18:52 - Oh, I am getting in this truck, Lucky,
18:54 and you can either come with me,
18:55 or you can stay here with Marna.
18:57 - I will stick by my mate,
19:00 which, by the way, is precisely what a monkey would do.
19:04 [guitar music]
19:05 - She's onto us! Let's roll!
19:08 - All right, everybody in.
19:10 [guitar music]
19:13 - I will check you in.
19:14 Then I'll go chat up the janitor.
19:16 They're the ones who really run these places.
19:19 [siffle]
19:21 [imitates un chien]
19:23 - You know what I think about
19:25 when I accidentally smack myself with a hammer?
19:28 The cowboys.
19:30 Maybe you should think about the cowboys.
19:32 - [imitates a cow]
19:34 - I hope I'm doing the right thing, Uncle Hank.
19:37 Everyone keeps giving me advice.
19:39 I have ideas too, but no one wants to listen to them.
19:44 - Well, this is your baby, Luanne.
19:47 No one else is gonna raise it for you,
19:49 especially not your aunt and me.
19:51 Maybe it's about time you started thinking for yourself.
19:55 - Sometimes I can't tell the difference
19:57 between thinking and being quiet, but I try.
20:01 - Well, you're gonna make mistakes.
20:03 Lord knows I must have made some with Bobby,
20:05 judging by some of the asinine stuff he does.
20:09 But you have to start somewhere.
20:11 [guitar music]
20:13 - Luanne, stop!
20:14 We need to get you out of here before it's too late.
20:17 - Actually, Myrna,
20:18 we've decided we're giving birth here.
20:20 - That's right, Myrna.
20:21 They have decided to give birth the right way,
20:25 the Peggy way.
20:28 - No, wait.
20:30 I don't want to do this your way either.
20:33 I want to do this my way.
20:36 I love you so much, Aunt Peggy,
20:38 and I want your advice,
20:39 but Lucky and I need to do this on our own.
20:43 - I will be right in the waiting room if you need me.
20:48 - I know you will.
20:50 - Let's go have a baby, and maybe a huge settlement.
20:54 There will be lots of things to slip on
20:57 when this is all over.
21:00 [kisses]
21:02 [guitar music]
21:05 ♪ ♪
21:11 [chatter]
21:14 [gasps]
21:18 - Jane?
21:20 - Bill?
21:22 You didn't tell me you were so old.
21:25 - You didn't tell me you were so young.
21:28 - I'm not young. I'm 17.
21:31 - I'm just gonna drive home now.
21:33 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
21:35 [guitar music]
21:38 ♪ ♪
21:45 [soupir]
21:48 ♪ ♪
21:55 - I tell you what, this goofus fella is a dumbass.
21:59 - Look at me. I'm on a Japanese subway.
22:06 [guitar music]
22:08 - It's a girl, and she's beautiful.
22:12 [guitar music]
22:15 [chuckles]
22:16 This is one good-looking baby.
22:18 They did a great job cleaning her up.
22:21 Ooh, you look cute when I tell you what.
22:23 She bears a strong resemblance to my side of the family.
22:27 Of course, that might change once she gets teeth.
22:31 [guitar music]
22:33 ♪ ♪
22:36 - So, what's your name?
22:37 - Well, we have decided to name her
22:40 after one of our favorite things.
22:44 Lasagna. - What?
22:46 - Lasagna Kleinschmidt.
22:49 - They gave you the good stuff, didn't they?
22:51 - No, we just like the name Lasagna.
22:55 - There's no way I'm gonna sit by
22:57 and let you name your child after--
22:59 - Luanne needs to make her own decisions from now on.
23:02 - But no, honey, her name is not gonna be Lasagna.
23:05 [guitar music]
23:08 ♪ ♪
23:14 Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada