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00:06:01I think my mom got a lot of her good qualities from my grandma.
00:06:06Grandma, how old was Mommy in this picture?
00:06:08She was one.
00:06:09And her brothers?
00:06:10One, three, and five.
00:06:13I love looking at pictures of when she was young.
00:06:16There will be a certain picture when her head's a certain way
00:06:19or her arm's in a certain position
00:06:21where I can, like, see myself in the picture.
00:06:25This is my mom's graduation from college.
00:06:31This is my parents' wedding over here.
00:06:41My favorite is the one down there on the grass.
00:06:44I just like the clothes and the light.
00:06:48It shows their personalities a lot.
00:06:54♪♪
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00:07:31My story is one of a late starter.
00:07:34The fact that my mother killed herself
00:07:36made me feel that there was something wrong with me
00:07:40and that it was my fault
00:07:42up until I discovered that it wasn't,
00:07:45which was at age 64.
00:07:50You know, that's a long life there that I lived,
00:07:53thinking that it was my fault.
00:07:55And obviously that affected my relationships
00:07:58because it affected how I perceived myself,
00:08:03that I wasn't good enough,
00:08:05that there was something wrong with me.
00:08:11Everything about my life changed.
00:08:13Everything.
00:08:14It was the defining moment.
00:08:17Everything went from being in color
00:08:19to being black and white.
00:08:21Everything went from possible to impossible.
00:08:26Everything went from hoping for the future
00:08:31to craving the past.
00:08:34We were coming home from a party.
00:08:36My dad was driving.
00:08:38My mom was in the front seat.
00:08:40My cousin and baby sister Katie were in the middle,
00:08:42and my sister Mary and I were in the back.
00:08:44My mother was killed in that car accident.
00:08:46My little sister Katie, who was three,
00:08:48and my cousin Fran.
00:08:50And me and my sister Mary and my dad survived.
00:08:52So there were three deaths and three survived.
00:08:55My mom was driving.
00:08:57My dad was driving.
00:08:59My sister Mary and my dad survived.
00:09:01So there were three deaths and three survivors.
00:09:10This is a picture of my mom
00:09:13when she was like, what, 20?
00:09:17She came from a very big family
00:09:19and went to public schools
00:09:22and got herself a scholarship
00:09:24in a very nice university.
00:09:26She had the focus, you know,
00:09:27I'm going to do this in life, and I'm going to do it.
00:09:29And then she went and did it.
00:09:31She did an exchange program in Texas
00:09:35when she was 19.
00:09:37And there was this picture of this, like,
00:09:39tall, blonde guy, very strong.
00:09:42And eventually I got one of my aunts
00:09:44to tell me this story.
00:09:46She was dating the captain of the football team,
00:09:48and it was Bob.
00:09:49And my aunts would always be like,
00:09:51yeah, you know, her dream
00:09:53was for one of you to marry an American.
00:09:55You just married one.
00:09:56And he looks exactly like Bob.
00:09:58And then my dad comes in and like...
00:10:04I first met Andrew on a college program
00:10:06aboard a ship.
00:10:09It goes around the world.
00:10:11You get to explore the countries,
00:10:12and then when you're on the ship,
00:10:13you can pretend to study.
00:10:17My aunt Beth took me.
00:10:19We're boarding the ship,
00:10:21and all of a sudden,
00:10:23I completely stop,
00:10:25and there's this guy who is, like,
00:10:28completely sweaty,
00:10:30without a shirt,
00:10:31with a basketball under his arm,
00:10:33missing his shoes with, like,
00:10:34some really ridiculous bandana.
00:10:38My aunt is kind of embarrassed,
00:10:41pulls me, she's like,
00:10:42Leticia, come on.
00:10:45I proceeded to stalk him
00:10:46for the next few weeks,
00:10:48and then somewhere between
00:10:51China and Malaysia,
00:10:53we finally got together.
00:10:59The day we left the ship,
00:11:01I had no idea I was gonna see him again,
00:11:03but he said one day
00:11:06he would knock on my door
00:11:08and make me his wife.
00:11:19Life was great.
00:11:20I had the guy,
00:11:21everything was falling into place,
00:11:24but in the back of my head,
00:11:26I knew that there was something
00:11:28I needed to take care of.
00:11:31My mom was only 39
00:11:33when she had her cancer,
00:11:34so the doctors at the time said,
00:11:37It's worth for us to try and figure out
00:11:40if there's something that is making you
00:11:43more susceptible to generating breast cancer.
00:11:46In the early 90s,
00:11:47they found the BRCA gene.
00:11:51If you had a mutation somewhere
00:11:53in that gene,
00:11:54which is just, you know,
00:11:56a hiccup on acid basis,
00:11:58you would have a much higher percentage
00:12:02of developing breast cancer.
00:12:06So my mom did this,
00:12:09mapping out of her gene
00:12:12It's nothing that would change for her,
00:12:14but she was thinking,
00:12:16it's gonna be something
00:12:17to inform my three daughters.
00:12:21And they did find a mutation.
00:12:24Before we got married,
00:12:25I talked to Andrew
00:12:26about the possibility
00:12:27that I could develop breast cancer
00:12:29early in life.
00:12:31In my way,
00:12:32I did a ton of research,
00:12:34and I think it's important
00:12:36to think about the possibility
00:12:38of breast cancer early in life,
00:12:40because it's not just a disease,
00:12:42it's a life-threatening disease.
00:12:44It's a life-threatening disease.
00:12:46It's a life-threatening disease.
00:12:48It's a life-threatening disease.
00:12:50It's a life-threatening disease.
00:12:52I did a lot of research,
00:12:53and at this point,
00:12:54I'm sure we're on the same page,
00:12:55but I think I was able to tell her
00:12:57a bit about the gene
00:12:58that she may not have known at first.
00:13:01And it's scary.
00:13:06If I have the BRCA gene,
00:13:08I have 75% chance
00:13:11to develop breast cancer.
00:13:16The odds are just enormous.
00:13:22And it is good to have somebody
00:13:24sharing that burden with me.
00:13:35Right now,
00:13:36I'm a senior in high school.
00:13:38It's my last year,
00:13:39so I take all of my work
00:13:40really seriously.
00:13:42School has always been
00:13:44the one place I can control,
00:13:47just that one place where, like,
00:13:49I can put my energy toward
00:13:51and get stuff out of.
00:13:53If I study for a test,
00:13:54I know I can get a good grade.
00:13:59It's just my way of having
00:14:01some stability in my life.
00:14:08I live at home with my dad
00:14:10and my little sister, Brooke.
00:14:22It's weird to think that
00:14:24my mom, at some point
00:14:26when she was 17 years old,
00:14:28was doing exactly
00:14:29what I'm doing now,
00:14:31sitting on her bed,
00:14:32thinking about what college
00:14:33she's going to end up at.
00:14:36My mom went to UCLA,
00:14:38and I always wanted to go there, too.
00:14:42There's so much that
00:14:43I don't know about my mom,
00:14:45so I think it would be nice
00:14:46to, like, make my own experience
00:14:48So I think it would be nice
00:14:49to, like, make my own experiences there
00:14:51knowing that she was there, too.
00:14:55And I love the fact
00:14:57that it's so close.
00:14:59If Brooke has a school project
00:15:00that she needs help on,
00:15:01I want to be able to come home
00:15:02if necessary.
00:15:07Ow!
00:15:15Ouch!
00:15:16Sorry, sorry.
00:15:18It's okay.
00:15:34Brooke looks up a lot to me,
00:15:36and I feel like
00:15:37she's my responsibility.
00:15:38Like, I'm really
00:15:39protective over her.
00:15:43Excuse me.
00:15:44Can we get a pound
00:15:45of low-sodium turkey?
00:15:47We're good with yogurt.
00:15:50I've been older
00:15:51and taken on more responsibility,
00:15:52but Brooke had to deal with me
00:15:54mothering her,
00:15:55which can't be easy.
00:15:57I was 12, and she was 8,
00:15:59and she needed a mother,
00:16:00and she got stuck
00:16:01with a 12-year-old.
00:16:02So, I mean,
00:16:03we both got the short side
00:16:05of the straw.
00:16:08What do you want me to do?
00:16:09Get some cucumbers.
00:16:11I mean, I don't sit here
00:16:12and pay bills and do taxes,
00:16:14but I do a lot of things
00:16:16that my friends aren't doing.
00:16:29Art is a curse
00:16:30and a blessing.
00:16:32You love what you do,
00:16:34but you have to produce work
00:16:37to survive,
00:16:38and it's always unmanageable,
00:16:40or, you know.
00:16:41If it gets to a manageable point,
00:16:43I'm doing something
00:16:44that's mass-producing,
00:16:46like with the nesting dolls.
00:16:49I bought some blank sets
00:16:51of nesting dolls,
00:16:52and my husband said,
00:16:55what about doing
00:16:56the Golden Girls?
00:16:57And I laughed thinking about it
00:16:59because it was just perfect.
00:17:01I painted the set
00:17:02and put the image of it
00:17:04on Facebook.
00:17:07The next day,
00:17:08I get an email
00:17:09from someone at MSNBC
00:17:11asking, well,
00:17:12how long have you been
00:17:13doing these?
00:17:14And I was like,
00:17:15we're about two days now.
00:17:22It really threw me off track.
00:17:24I didn't know.
00:17:25I mean, I wasn't
00:17:26a nesting doll artist.
00:17:27I wasn't the kitschy artist.
00:17:28I had a very serious art show
00:17:31that I had planned
00:17:32with all of my painting.
00:17:35It was a happy accident,
00:17:37but it's not all me.
00:17:41I did my own
00:17:43kind of personal stuff.
00:17:45Images that I just paint.
00:17:48Lonely, isolated,
00:17:51female figures.
00:17:57When I was little,
00:17:58I remember going to
00:18:00the art museum
00:18:02and wanting my artwork
00:18:04one day to be on the wall.
00:18:07Your work is there
00:18:08to be admired.
00:18:09You don't have to
00:18:11worry about selling,
00:18:13and that sometimes can
00:18:16derail a lot of
00:18:19motivation and energy
00:18:22with your artwork
00:18:23because you associate
00:18:25success with sales.
00:18:27When you don't have sales,
00:18:29you feel like a failure.
00:18:32But I have to break away
00:18:35from thinking that
00:18:37I have to sell something.
00:18:39It's the most important
00:18:40thing for me to do.
00:19:01♪
00:19:24She's mine.
00:19:27It's kind of a joke
00:19:28how easy my delivery was.
00:19:30I got there and
00:19:32in five minutes,
00:19:33I popped out a baby
00:19:34and I was just fine.
00:19:37My nanny said,
00:19:38you're just like your mother.
00:19:40She used to say,
00:19:41the easiest thing in the world
00:19:42is to give birth to a child.
00:19:44You're doing exactly like her.
00:19:47And I was like,
00:19:48oh, see.
00:19:49Mama, I'm doing right by you.
00:19:51Having kids easily.
00:19:53So now I just have to
00:19:54raise them well.
00:19:57I would love to have
00:19:58a video
00:19:59that showed me
00:20:01how she was
00:20:02dealing with me.
00:20:05My mother's mother
00:20:06passed away from cancer
00:20:07when my mother was
00:20:09my age.
00:20:10She was 29.
00:20:11Wow, I never thought of that.
00:20:19Never really realized
00:20:20until now.
00:20:23It's kind of a mess,
00:20:25but I'm going back to Brazil
00:20:27for Ana Carolina's christening
00:20:30and I'm so excited.
00:20:33My whole family
00:20:34is going to get to meet her
00:20:35and I'm finally
00:20:36going to get a break.
00:20:38Right before she was born,
00:20:39I wrote her a little letter
00:20:41for her birthday.
00:20:44Dearest Ana Carolina,
00:20:46thank you for coming
00:20:47into my life.
00:20:48You come from a very
00:20:49beautiful family.
00:20:51You come from a very
00:20:52powerful line of women
00:20:53that have changed
00:20:54many people's lives.
00:20:56The strong women
00:20:57that have come before you
00:20:58will help you
00:20:59and hold you
00:21:00without your knowledge.
00:21:02Like your grandmother,
00:21:03Masia, who was my mother,
00:21:05may you challenge
00:21:06expectations and rise
00:21:07above your hardships
00:21:08without complaining.
00:21:10Now for me,
00:21:11I'm not sure yet
00:21:12what to wish you
00:21:13as I hope my life
00:21:14and you teach me a lot
00:21:16in the years to come.
00:21:21♪♪♪♪
00:21:36This might sound
00:21:37very strange,
00:21:38but I never felt the loss.
00:21:40When I was told
00:21:41that my mother died,
00:21:42I never even cried.
00:21:46I think that my mother
00:21:47had been gone
00:21:48from the beginning.
00:21:51When I was around
00:21:52seven, eight, and nine,
00:21:54and I began to have
00:21:55close girlfriends,
00:21:56and I would oftentimes
00:21:59sleep over at their house,
00:22:01I noticed that their
00:22:03mothers were different,
00:22:05you know,
00:22:06that they were present,
00:22:08you know,
00:22:09that at the dinner table
00:22:10people talked,
00:22:12you know,
00:22:13you don't know
00:22:14what you're missing
00:22:15if you've never had it.
00:22:18The feelings of,
00:22:19you know,
00:22:20grieving those losses,
00:22:22my mother and my sister,
00:22:23would have destroyed me,
00:22:25so it came up
00:22:26later in life,
00:22:27and I feel like
00:22:28just when you think
00:22:29you're, like, done with it,
00:22:30it'll come up in some,
00:22:31like, other way
00:22:32that's like, ah!
00:22:34I miss her,
00:22:36almost daily.
00:22:38I miss the presence
00:22:39of that archive,
00:22:40I miss the presence
00:22:41of that archetype,
00:22:43not necessarily my mother,
00:22:45because I think
00:22:46I wanted more emotionally
00:22:47than she was ready
00:22:49or willing to give.
00:22:52I remember one time
00:22:54we were coming home
00:22:55from the A&P
00:22:56after food shopping,
00:22:57and there's five kids
00:22:58and it's a Buick station wagon,
00:22:59and my nana was in the front,
00:23:01and my mom was driving,
00:23:02and I was in the middle,
00:23:04and somehow my foot
00:23:07got positioned
00:23:09between my mother's foot
00:23:10and the gas pedal,
00:23:12so every time she pressed
00:23:13the gas pedal,
00:23:14she was pressing on my foot,
00:23:16and I didn't tell her
00:23:19during the ride home,
00:23:20but when we got home,
00:23:21she said,
00:23:22why didn't you tell me?
00:23:24And I didn't answer
00:23:25because I didn't know
00:23:26how to say,
00:23:27I want you to touch me.
00:23:31Okay, okay.
00:23:39This is going to be
00:23:40one sassy fox.
00:23:44When I went off to college,
00:23:46I kind of started
00:23:47separating myself
00:23:48from my mother.
00:23:50I'm feeling that first
00:23:52really big burst
00:23:53of independence.
00:23:56I'm feeling that
00:23:58burst of independence.
00:24:01So in my mind,
00:24:04my mom had been the cell phone
00:24:06for the past couple of years.
00:24:15I wish that cat
00:24:16could be smoking a cigarette.
00:24:17It's not a cat, it's a fox.
00:24:18I mean, fox.
00:24:19Fox, could she be
00:24:20smoking a cigarette
00:24:21with a cigarette holder
00:24:22like a Creole DeVille?
00:24:26That would be crazy.
00:24:31One time,
00:24:32when I was home from college,
00:24:34I wound up arguing
00:24:35with my mother.
00:24:38I told her
00:24:39she was being irrational,
00:24:42and I was going to stay
00:24:44with my father
00:24:45until she calmed down
00:24:46and became kind of
00:24:47rational again.
00:24:51And then she basically
00:24:52slammed the door in my face,
00:24:55and that was the last
00:24:56conversation I had with her.
00:25:18My stepdad called me
00:25:19on my cell phone,
00:25:21and he said that
00:25:23I needed to come home.
00:25:26I said,
00:25:27now I got to go back to work.
00:25:29He said,
00:25:30no, you have called work.
00:25:32You have to come home.
00:25:33And so that was
00:25:34sort of the news of,
00:25:37I mean, this is bad.
00:25:38Something's wrong.
00:25:40I thought it was
00:25:41like maybe my grandmother
00:25:43or grandparent,
00:25:44or it was just sort of like,
00:25:47surely nothing can be wrong
00:25:49with my mom.
00:25:52When I get there,
00:25:53my mom's car is not
00:25:54on the carport.
00:25:58I walked in,
00:26:00and my stepfather told me
00:26:02that my mother
00:26:05committed suicide.
00:26:09She put the gun to her head,
00:26:10and she shot herself.
00:26:23It was so,
00:26:26it was so primitive.
00:26:28I couldn't have
00:26:29controlled what I did.
00:26:31I threw myself.
00:26:32My body collapsed,
00:26:34and I fell on the ground.
00:26:38I was choking.
00:26:40My vision was blurred.
00:26:44Nothing, like, made sense.
00:26:46Everything kind of echoed,
00:26:49and when I finally came to,
00:26:53everything got really quiet.
00:26:58laughs
00:27:23I applied to UCLA
00:27:25I applied to UCLA,
00:27:27UC Santa Barbara,
00:27:28Berkeley, and Cal Poly.
00:27:32I'm working on my college essay
00:27:35for Michigan.
00:27:37The prompt was to write about
00:27:39a challenge that you've overcome.
00:27:44We all acquire skills
00:27:45in different ways.
00:27:46Some skills are hardwired
00:27:47in our DNA.
00:27:49Others are gained
00:27:50through diligent practice.
00:27:52As a child, I was taught
00:27:54to ride a bicycle.
00:27:56I pedaled until my mother
00:27:57let go of the back of my bike.
00:28:00I took my fair share of tumbles,
00:28:01but I learned how to balance
00:28:02on just two wheels.
00:28:04In life, balance is not
00:28:05always easy.
00:28:07Sometimes the wheels
00:28:08come off altogether.
00:28:11When I was 12 years old,
00:28:12my mother died from breast cancer.
00:28:14My center of gravity
00:28:15would have to be redefined.
00:28:19And where are you teen?
00:28:20In the ninth.
00:28:22Jordan is nine and a half.
00:28:25Brookie is almost.
00:28:26Six, seven.
00:28:29And Jordy is really tiny.
00:28:34It's hard for a seven
00:28:35or eight-year-old
00:28:36to differentiate a cold
00:28:37and cancer.
00:28:39I think they told us
00:28:40maybe in February
00:28:41and Brooke's birthday
00:28:42is January,
00:28:43so I remember thinking
00:28:44that it wasn't fair
00:28:45that Brooke was going to have
00:28:46my mom at her birthday party
00:28:47with hair and that
00:28:49at my birthday party
00:28:50my friends were going to see
00:28:51my mom in a bandana.
00:28:53Like, that's how little we were.
00:28:55We never realized
00:28:56that the whole thing
00:28:57could be even more
00:28:58life-changing than it was
00:29:00at the time.
00:29:09My mom wasn't even 38,
00:29:12and I was 12,
00:29:14so I had that
00:29:16put-the-band-aid-on,
00:29:17like, tuck-me-into-bed
00:29:18relationship,
00:29:19but I never had
00:29:20how old were you
00:29:21when you had
00:29:22your first boyfriend
00:29:23or what dress
00:29:24did you get for prom.
00:29:27Like, I won't have
00:29:28any of those conversations.
00:29:33It doesn't make sense.
00:29:35The fact that she died
00:29:36and the fact that
00:29:37me and Brooke
00:29:38don't have a mom
00:29:39but all of our cousins do
00:29:40or, like, the fact that
00:29:41Brooke will never go through
00:29:42any graduation with her mom,
00:29:44not even fifth grade.
00:29:47It's just so much
00:29:48of our life
00:29:49that she missed out on.
00:29:56Hey, you over there,
00:29:57the pink and white.
00:29:59Grumpy!
00:30:03Oh, my goodness.
00:30:05And you, peace out, dude.
00:30:07What's up, homie?
00:30:11Can you sing me
00:30:12a song or something?
00:30:14Hi, and turn off the camera.
00:30:16That's the song.
00:30:17It goes,
00:30:18Hi, and turn off the camera.
00:30:20Hey!
00:30:47Christening is
00:30:49very traditional in Brazil.
00:30:52It's not just religious anymore.
00:30:55It became cultural.
00:30:57You get a godmother
00:30:58and a godfather.
00:31:00My godmother was
00:31:01my mother's older sister.
00:31:03She was my second mom.
00:31:06She was always there.
00:31:08And I'm sure my mother
00:31:09never expected to pass away
00:31:11so early,
00:31:13but she did pick
00:31:14the right godmother.
00:31:16And that's one of the things
00:31:18that I wanted Ana to have.
00:31:29I think it was very blessed.
00:31:31It's a very important moment
00:31:33for us.
00:31:35There are only loved ones here.
00:31:37Everyone is family.
00:31:40And...
00:31:42And...
00:31:45She's saying everything for me, guys.
00:31:47I have no words.
00:31:49Thank God we're here today
00:31:51in the name of a person
00:31:52called Jesus Christ
00:31:53to ask for God's blessing.
00:31:55So let's extend our hands
00:31:56to Ana Carolina.
00:31:58And in your heart,
00:31:59you put all the good
00:32:01in the name of the Father,
00:32:02and of the Son,
00:32:03and of the Holy Spirit.
00:32:05Amen.
00:32:06A round of applause.
00:32:11Ana Carolina!
00:32:14Ana Carolina!
00:32:17Ana Carolina!
00:32:21I love being back in Brazil.
00:32:23Coming to this hurricane
00:32:25of people and gossip
00:32:27and loudness
00:32:28and just so much love.
00:32:31I'm really lucky
00:32:32that I can bring Ana here.
00:32:36Seeing Ana with my family
00:32:40gave me a new dimension.
00:32:46I have to be responsible.
00:32:50I actually need to go
00:32:54find out about the BRCA mutation.
00:32:58I owe it to myself and to her.
00:33:03So I'm going to take
00:33:05the genetic BRCA mutation test.
00:33:17I was feeling bad the other morning
00:33:20and I took a pregnancy test.
00:33:22And seeing the plus sign show up
00:33:24was just surreal.
00:33:26It's like a rush of excitement
00:33:30and then I thought,
00:33:31oh wow, what did we just do?
00:33:37I had a real emotional wave.
00:33:41I have these dreams
00:33:43where I would be kind of
00:33:46living my everyday life.
00:33:48And then my mom
00:33:50would come around the corner
00:33:52looking refreshed
00:33:53like she's been on vacation.
00:33:55And I had to sort in my dream
00:33:58all these feelings about
00:34:01you can't just come back
00:34:03into our lives like this.
00:34:05You can't pretend
00:34:06like nothing ever happened.
00:34:08And she just kind of brushed it off.
00:34:17After my mother's suicide
00:34:19my life changed immediately
00:34:21because I knew
00:34:22it was very short-lived.
00:34:24I quit hanging out
00:34:25with my boyfriend at the time
00:34:26and I started dating Justin.
00:34:29It was pretty set from the beginning
00:34:32that we knew we wanted to get married.
00:34:35So many life events have happened
00:34:38without my mother present in them.
00:34:41She didn't get to meet Justin
00:34:43and she won't get to know her grandchild.
00:34:45And she would have wanted to
00:34:47be a part of every minute of it.
00:34:53I never talked to my father
00:34:55about the fact that
00:34:56my mother killed herself.
00:34:57I found out from a movie magazine.
00:34:59So nobody ever talked about it.
00:35:01The first time anyone ever
00:35:02even mentioned the fact
00:35:03that my mother had killed herself
00:35:04was when I was this summer
00:35:06sitting with my very young stepmother
00:35:09that became my mother figure
00:35:10who was only seven years older than me
00:35:12when my father remarried.
00:35:14She said, you know,
00:35:16I'm so sorry.
00:35:17And, you know,
00:35:18how are you doing about it?
00:35:20How are you feeling about
00:35:22the fact that your mother
00:35:25killed herself?
00:35:27The fact that she asked me
00:35:28was just stunning to me.
00:35:30Oh, my God.
00:35:31You're allowed to talk
00:35:32about these things?
00:35:34If there was a certain kind
00:35:35of very relaxed person,
00:35:37their kind of relaxed femininity
00:35:39put me in, like, a trance.
00:35:41I had a piano teacher
00:35:42named Mrs. Gold
00:35:43and I would go take piano.
00:35:44I really had no interest in piano,
00:35:45but I love Mrs. Gold
00:35:47and we would, like,
00:35:48practice at piano.
00:35:49And she was, like, really feminine.
00:35:51She'd wear silk blouses
00:35:52and we'd go in her basement
00:35:53and she'd be, like,
00:35:54now, do you want me
00:35:55to play it for you first?
00:35:56And I was, like, yes.
00:35:57And she would smell perfume
00:35:58and she'd be, like,
00:35:59da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
00:36:01And her shirt would brush
00:36:02against me and I was, like,
00:36:03oh, I was in heaven.
00:36:05There was a tremendous amount
00:36:06of neglect,
00:36:07not necessarily purposeful,
00:36:09you know, but my father
00:36:10had five small children,
00:36:11a dead wife,
00:36:12and a mother-in-law
00:36:13to deal with.
00:36:15You know, when you're
00:36:1610 years old and you do
00:36:17all the laundry,
00:36:18you put everything in together
00:36:19and all the colors bleed
00:36:20and so it just...
00:36:23There was a real stigma,
00:36:24you know,
00:36:25to being the kids
00:36:26with the dead mother.
00:36:28But also, we looked motherless.
00:36:47After I came back to New York,
00:36:49I took the genetic test
00:36:51and I got a phone call
00:36:52to come and get the results.
00:37:16I had never seen,
00:37:18and I still haven't seen,
00:37:20Andrew scared of anything
00:37:22until that day.
00:37:27I knew enough about
00:37:28the gene going in
00:37:29that it's not a death sentence.
00:37:31And she told me on the way
00:37:32that she felt pretty strongly
00:37:36that she wasn't going
00:37:37to be positive.
00:37:45Shit.
00:37:46Really?
00:37:50I tested positive.
00:37:52I have the same gene mutation
00:37:54that my mother had.
00:37:58The world changed in an instant.
00:38:03There's something in you
00:38:05that says you're either
00:38:06going to have to
00:38:07take away your breasts,
00:38:08or you might develop
00:38:10breast cancer.
00:38:15And then I thought,
00:38:17this is it.
00:38:18I don't know how a gene
00:38:20changes me,
00:38:21or it doesn't change me,
00:38:22but this little inch of thing
00:38:25is in every cell of my body.
00:38:27It's in my fingernails,
00:38:29in my hair,
00:38:30in my knee.
00:38:32It's there.
00:38:33I need to just
00:38:34know what to do with it.
00:38:41I mean, a lot of people
00:38:42don't know what's going
00:38:43to happen to them.
00:38:44I at least have a clue
00:38:45of something that could
00:38:46happen to me,
00:38:47but I don't know if I'm
00:38:48going to get hit by a bus
00:38:49on the street.
00:38:50I don't know anything.
00:38:54But this little thing
00:38:55that could go wrong,
00:38:57I know a little bit more.
00:39:00I benefited from having
00:39:01my mom that was so brave
00:39:03to actually take that test
00:39:06and then live with the fact
00:39:07that she had already
00:39:08three daughters.
00:39:10It's powerful.
00:39:11It's empowering for you
00:39:12to know and not let
00:39:14that sneak up on you.
00:39:18But she has two other sisters,
00:39:19and she was the one
00:39:20who took the initiative
00:39:21to go get tested.
00:39:23She was the only one
00:39:24that was identified as positive.
00:39:29I mean, I can't imagine
00:39:31what life would be like
00:39:32without her, so...
00:39:34The thought of losing her
00:39:35terrifies me,
00:39:36but at the same time,
00:39:37we're very careful.
00:39:39We're going to take care
00:39:40of what needs to be
00:39:41taken care of.
00:39:48So how did you
00:39:49get asked to prom?
00:39:50He, like, came to my house
00:39:51with flowers.
00:39:52That's cute.
00:39:53Are you almost done
00:39:54with all your applications?
00:39:55Yeah, I'm almost done.
00:39:56I think I have, like,
00:39:57one more to submit,
00:39:58but I don't even know
00:39:59if I'm going to submit it.
00:40:00Do you have a first choice?
00:40:02Mmm...
00:40:03Probably Michigan.
00:40:04Michigan?
00:40:05It's cold.
00:40:06It's really cold.
00:40:09Initially, I was 100% sure
00:40:11I wanted to go to UC school.
00:40:13I wanted to go to college.
00:40:15I was 100% sure I wanted
00:40:16to go to UC school.
00:40:17I wanted to stay in California,
00:40:18like, near my family.
00:40:20But now I've kind of realized
00:40:22that I've worked so hard
00:40:24for my grades just to get
00:40:26to this point in my life.
00:40:28So I want to be able to,
00:40:30like, go away out of state
00:40:32and at Michigan.
00:40:34I think I'd be really happy.
00:40:36Hold on!
00:40:37We're going to this
00:40:38next year!
00:40:39College!
00:40:46♪♪♪
00:40:51♪♪♪
00:40:58When I get these rejection letters,
00:41:02it hurts.
00:41:04You think this is it,
00:41:05this is the best I've done,
00:41:07and they don't get accepted.
00:41:10It's just sort of like,
00:41:11maybe my mother's right.
00:41:14She was very much fearful
00:41:17for my future in that regard.
00:41:22But when she passed away
00:41:26and we kind of cleaned
00:41:27everything out,
00:41:28she had, like, a folder
00:41:30of all my drawings,
00:41:31and, you know, I didn't realize,
00:41:33I didn't realize that.
00:41:35And so that was
00:41:36a pretty powerful moment.
00:41:38And now that I'm having the baby,
00:41:40I decided to make a collage
00:41:42out of those drawings
00:41:43for the nursery.
00:41:44This is a drawing
00:41:45that my mother did
00:41:47when she was in first grade.
00:41:51Outwardly, she had it
00:41:53all together.
00:41:54I'm calling her
00:41:55the Post-it Note Queen
00:41:56because everything
00:41:57was just so organized.
00:42:00But she was completely
00:42:02broken apart inside.
00:42:08She was described
00:42:09antidepressants,
00:42:10and she just took herself off
00:42:13completely when something
00:42:15of that magnitude
00:42:16should have been stepped down,
00:42:18and it kind of sent her
00:42:19into a frenzy.
00:42:24This was my mother
00:42:25that I knew my entire life,
00:42:27and I couldn't,
00:42:29I couldn't in a million years
00:42:31have thought that would happen.
00:42:35With suicide,
00:42:36you automatically think
00:42:38you could have done something,
00:42:40you could have asked
00:42:41certain questions,
00:42:42and you're like,
00:42:43well, how are you really feeling
00:42:45instead of just kind of
00:42:46rushing my mother off the phone?
00:42:51There was the guilt,
00:42:52and then there was the anger
00:42:55that she did it out of spite,
00:42:57that she didn't want
00:42:58to be a part of our lives.
00:43:01It's a battle to sort out
00:43:04that feeling of betrayal
00:43:06and try to embrace the fact
00:43:08that my mother was ill.
00:43:13I didn't know how to be
00:43:14a mother myself
00:43:15when I had children,
00:43:17you know, especially
00:43:18with my first child,
00:43:19and I made many
00:43:20of the same mistakes.
00:43:22I suffered postpartum depression
00:43:24pretty bad.
00:43:26I was, you know,
00:43:29I had a lot of,
00:43:31I suffered from eating disorders
00:43:33at that time.
00:43:35By the time the grandchildren
00:43:36come along,
00:43:37you know, you're,
00:43:38at least in my case,
00:43:39you know, I was able
00:43:40to experience real intimacy,
00:43:43and that's when I really
00:43:46began to understand
00:43:47what loving a child
00:43:50is supposed to feel like
00:43:51and look like.
00:43:57I felt like kind of tough
00:43:58and fearless in a way
00:44:00and driven,
00:44:01and maybe I wouldn't
00:44:02have had that, you know,
00:44:03had my mom survived.
00:44:05I might not have had
00:44:06that drive to, you know,
00:44:09to keep wanting to,
00:44:10you know, forge ahead.
00:44:13So when it came to characters,
00:44:15I felt like this crazy freedom
00:44:17where I had no,
00:44:18I had no ideas
00:44:21about being ladylike
00:44:22or anything,
00:44:23so it made me free comedically
00:44:24on stage.
00:44:26I remember going
00:44:27to the movie theater
00:44:28to see Truth or Dare,
00:44:30the Madonna documentary,
00:44:32and I was very struck
00:44:33by how many similarities
00:44:34there were,
00:44:35and this guy I was dating
00:44:36at the time named Michael
00:44:37said to me,
00:44:39I bet you if you ever met her,
00:44:41you and she would be
00:44:42good friends,
00:44:43and I remember telling him,
00:44:44you know, that's crazy.
00:44:46She's a big pop star,
00:44:47and I'm a comedian.
00:44:48I'm never going to meet her,
00:44:50and about two days later,
00:44:52Penny Marshall said to me,
00:44:53Madonna's going to come in
00:44:55to play May,
00:44:56and you guys are going
00:44:57to play best friends,
00:44:58and I was kind of struck
00:45:00by the concept,
00:45:02and I didn't know what to say,
00:45:03but as soon as I saw her,
00:45:05having just seen the film,
00:45:07the first thing that came
00:45:08out of my mouth was,
00:45:09you know, my name is Rosie,
00:45:10and my mother died
00:45:11when I was a kid as well,
00:45:13and I am also named
00:45:15after my mom,
00:45:17and she just looked at me,
00:45:19and we hugged,
00:45:20and there was this
00:45:21instant connection,
00:45:22like, almost like siblings
00:45:24right away.
00:45:26Some people feel that
00:45:27about homosexuality.
00:45:28You know, they're like,
00:45:29hey, I'm gay.
00:45:30You're gay.
00:45:31I'm like, so?
00:45:32Some people feel that
00:45:33about being Irish.
00:45:34Hey, I'm Irish.
00:45:35You're Irish.
00:45:36I'm like, so?
00:45:37But the dead mother thing,
00:45:40it's like a club.
00:45:43You're initiated.
00:45:44You get a tattoo.
00:45:45It is not going away.
00:45:55I love it.
00:45:56You do?
00:45:57Yeah.
00:45:59Right now in Michigan,
00:46:00that would be frozen.
00:46:01Yeah.
00:46:03Okay, this is like
00:46:04the famous, like,
00:46:05the quad area.
00:46:06Mm-hmm.
00:46:07Let's go take a look.
00:46:09This is all packed
00:46:10with people having picnics.
00:46:11Studying.
00:46:12Studying.
00:46:13And the best thing about it
00:46:14is you're only...
00:46:1545 minutes away from home.
00:46:16Yeah.
00:46:17And you can do your laundry.
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:20You have everything
00:46:21here you need.
00:46:22Yeah.
00:46:24Comparing it to other
00:46:25places you've been,
00:46:26what do you think?
00:46:27I like it just as much.
00:46:29When I was in Michigan,
00:46:30I could see myself at Michigan.
00:46:31Like, when I'm here,
00:46:32I could see myself here.
00:46:34But it's so hard to get in.
00:46:36I don't want to get, like,
00:46:37set on going anywhere.
00:46:39The kinds of schools
00:46:40you've applied to, Jordan,
00:46:41are great schools,
00:46:42each one of them.
00:46:44And I want you to go
00:46:45wherever you'll be happy.
00:46:46But if you get into a UCLA,
00:46:49there's, you know,
00:46:50advantages of being
00:46:51close to family.
00:46:52You have a feeling
00:46:53like you're way far away.
00:46:54Yeah, but you're not.
00:46:55Yeah.
00:46:57But you'll be going
00:46:58to the same school
00:46:59where Mommy went.
00:47:00She loved it here.
00:47:01Mm-hmm.
00:47:02I think she would want me
00:47:03to go here, like,
00:47:04for the right reasons,
00:47:05not just because
00:47:06she went here.
00:47:07Yeah.
00:47:08What do you think, Brooke?
00:47:10I love it.
00:47:11This is where you're
00:47:12going anyway, right?
00:47:13Yeah.
00:47:17Wouldn't you like
00:47:18to be somewhere closer,
00:47:19a little bit closer
00:47:20than Becky's?
00:47:21I want to be close,
00:47:22but I also want to go.
00:47:24♪♪♪
00:47:37If I get in,
00:47:38I think my mom
00:47:39would have encouraged me
00:47:40to go to UCLA.
00:47:44My mom taught me to, like,
00:47:47not just think about myself,
00:47:48but to think about
00:47:50the people around me.
00:47:52And my dad and my sister
00:47:53would really like me
00:47:54to stay in-state,
00:47:56so would she have just been,
00:47:57like, go to an in-state school,
00:47:59or would she have been, like,
00:48:00go where your heart
00:48:01is telling you to go?
00:48:03♪♪♪
00:48:20It's not just that
00:48:21I don't want to make them sad,
00:48:23but I want to make them proud.
00:48:26♪♪♪
00:48:34♪♪♪
00:48:53Testing positive for the mutation
00:48:54was hard.
00:48:55It's a lot of information
00:48:56to process,
00:48:58and you just don't want
00:48:59to be on your own.
00:49:01And even though
00:49:02I have Andrew here,
00:49:03all of my family
00:49:04is back in Brazil.
00:49:06So we're moving back to Brazil.
00:49:08Andrew decided to start
00:49:09looking for opportunities,
00:49:10and in about a month,
00:49:12he got a job in Sao Paulo.
00:49:16♪♪♪
00:49:21I'm very excited,
00:49:23but it's a little sad
00:49:25because I did manage
00:49:27to make an incredible family
00:49:30in New York.
00:49:33And I think that that connects
00:49:35to living your life
00:49:36without your mom.
00:49:39It does make it harder,
00:49:41but it also makes it interesting.
00:49:45It was just after my 16th birthday
00:49:47that my mother passed away.
00:49:50♪♪♪
00:50:01Even though my mother
00:50:02had been battling cancer
00:50:04for six years,
00:50:06she was planning my party
00:50:09like crazy.
00:50:11She planned all of our dresses,
00:50:14not only mine,
00:50:15because I had two,
00:50:16but my sister's dresses,
00:50:18her dresses,
00:50:19her sister's dresses.
00:50:22The party was really,
00:50:24really over the top.
00:50:25I mean, I walked in
00:50:26with a gown that was
00:50:28bigger than Cinderella's.
00:50:30I was like, whoa.
00:50:32♪♪♪
00:50:36She knew exactly how I would
00:50:39feel like a princess,
00:50:40and she made it perfectly
00:50:43so that I was
00:50:44the princess of the evening.
00:50:46♪♪♪
00:50:50In a way, I think that she had
00:50:53a chance to prepare a wedding,
00:50:58even though it was
00:51:00just a birthday party.
00:51:03I don't think a single person
00:51:06in that room would ever say
00:51:08that she was sick,
00:51:10but she had gone through
00:51:11transplants, through chemo,
00:51:14through three different
00:51:15types of cancer.
00:51:17She never showed it to us.
00:51:20It was something that was
00:51:21going to pass,
00:51:22and we should just go on
00:51:24with our lives.
00:51:27It was probably just
00:51:28two weeks before she died
00:51:30that I sat down and said,
00:51:33oh, my God,
00:51:34my mom's going to die.
00:51:36And I remember that day
00:51:39so clearly,
00:51:40how I felt so tricked,
00:51:41and I was so angry at her,
00:51:43I was like, how could I not know?
00:51:46How was I so stupid?
00:51:48♪♪♪♪
00:51:52And actually, it was just,
00:51:53you know, it was her gift to us
00:51:55because we didn't live her disease.
00:51:58We lived her alive.
00:52:01♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:06♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:12♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:19I remember that day.
00:52:22They got all four kids
00:52:23in the room,
00:52:25and she just didn't
00:52:26have any words,
00:52:28but she just looked at us.
00:52:32She looked at us
00:52:33for as long as she could.
00:52:36All four kids.
00:52:38♪♪♪♪♪
00:52:43We were trying to be so strong.
00:52:45We were telling her
00:52:46we were going to be okay.
00:52:50And the truth is that
00:52:55that was our promise to her,
00:52:56so we had to be okay.
00:52:58♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:53:19I just, I wish,
00:53:22I didn't have to think
00:53:24that my baby girl
00:53:25might have to be
00:53:28in my position in the future,
00:53:31and that I might have
00:53:32passed down to her
00:53:35a high probability
00:53:36of developing cancer.
00:53:38♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:53:46The day my son
00:53:47was placed in my arms,
00:53:49everything changed
00:53:50in terms of my relationship
00:53:51with my mother.
00:53:54I realized how much
00:53:55I loved this child,
00:53:58and my mother loved
00:54:00five children that much.
00:54:04And she knew she was leaving us.
00:54:07♪♪♪♪♪♪
00:54:10I remember at that moment,
00:54:11life seeped back in,
00:54:12color seeped back in.
00:54:14All of a sudden,
00:54:15there was hope again.
00:54:16All of a sudden,
00:54:17there was a reason
00:54:19to believe in tomorrow,
00:54:22to want all of the future days
00:54:26that were owed to you, you know.
00:54:29I stopped looking back
00:54:30for my mother
00:54:31and started looking forward
00:54:32as a mother.
00:54:33I had a physical
00:54:34recklessness,
00:54:35banging myself up
00:54:36in dangerous ways
00:54:37that I would never do now.
00:54:39People would ask,
00:54:40you must get hurt,
00:54:41how do you do that,
00:54:42you must get hurt,
00:54:43but I didn't even care.
00:54:44I'd like, you know,
00:54:45throw myself into chairs
00:54:46or bruise myself up.
00:54:47I didn't, you know,
00:54:48I didn't care.
00:54:49I didn't even think about it.
00:54:50It was a certain wildness
00:54:52that, you know,
00:54:53that came from all that,
00:54:54I think.
00:54:55When my mother
00:54:56was a little girl,
00:54:57they lived on a farm
00:54:59in Ontario, Canada.
00:55:01Her father was
00:55:04a paranoid schizophrenic
00:55:07who was a severe alcoholic.
00:55:09My grandmother
00:55:10was a very young
00:55:11and very beautiful,
00:55:12like 35 years younger
00:55:14than my grandfather,
00:55:16and he was scared
00:55:17if some man would come
00:55:18and carry her off.
00:55:20And the only man
00:55:23that was ever allowed
00:55:24in the house
00:55:25was the piano tuner,
00:55:26and when my mother
00:55:27was eight years old,
00:55:28he sexually abused her.
00:55:31I found that out
00:55:32when I was writing my memoirs
00:55:34in the beginning of,
00:55:36well, around 2000,
00:55:38early 2000,
00:55:39and that was
00:55:42a very important thing for me
00:55:43because I'd always assumed
00:55:45that it was simply
00:55:46that my mother didn't love me.
00:55:48I was able to forgive her
00:55:51and myself
00:55:52for not really loving her either.
00:55:56acoustic guitar plays softly
00:56:09woman speaking
00:56:11in Spanish
00:56:13Let's go,
00:56:15let's go, let's go, let's go!
00:56:17See you!
00:56:19acoustic guitar plays softly
00:56:25♪
00:56:30♪
00:56:35♪
00:56:40♪
00:56:45♪
00:56:50♪
00:56:55♪
00:56:59See, that's the reason you move to Brazil, to eat fruit like a crazy person.
00:57:04♪
00:57:09♪
00:57:14♪
00:57:19♪
00:57:24♪
00:57:29♪
00:57:33I got into a museum exhibit, not just an art gallery.
00:57:38We got word it was going to be at the Mississippi Museum of Art.
00:57:42That's my first museum show.
00:57:45Being in a museum, being a part of a curated show, it's fantastic.
00:57:52And I think that my mother would be proud.
00:57:55♪
00:58:02It is simply about the art and what the artist has to say.
00:58:07But I certainly fought hard in a still fight.
00:58:12I directly dealt with gloss in my paintings and didn't even realize it at the time.
00:58:20I would completely cover an entire piece of white paper black and use an eraser and extract.
00:58:29I started to translate how I was feeling through my art.
00:58:35Before my mother's death, art was how well can you draw the subject?
00:58:39How well can you make this painting look like the photo that you're working from?
00:58:44I never had the emotional connection in art.
00:58:48When my artwork started to get attention, it was because of the emotional expression.
00:58:57People started commenting on the mood in my work.
00:59:02No one ever said anything like that previously.
00:59:06♪
00:59:14There's a girl that looks like she's sort of in time out for drawing on the walls.
00:59:21As a child, I got in trouble for drawing on the walls,
00:59:25which could have partly been my parents' fault for painting a big mural on the wall of a rainbow.
00:59:30And I decided to draw a thunderstorm.
00:59:33My excuse was, you know, it's not always sunny.
00:59:37♪
00:59:44The girl in the painting, only one leg is visible.
00:59:50♪
00:59:54When you lose a parent, it's like losing a limb.
01:00:00You're impaired, get to learn things all over again.
01:00:03It's shaky at first. You're going to fall down a lot.
01:00:07But eventually, you have to make your own way.
01:00:11There's a frame of one of the parents on the wall,
01:00:15and then this hazy absence of a frame that there once was another parent.
01:00:21No one's going to talk about it or bring it up for fear of upsetting the person.
01:00:26And the place of where the other parent should be
01:00:29is a figure going up with a balloon in ascension.
01:00:33♪
01:00:38People have tried to buy it from me many, many times,
01:00:41but it's something I'm not set on selling.
01:00:44I'm so attached to it.
01:00:46♪
01:00:51♪
01:00:56♪
01:01:01♪
01:01:06♪
01:01:11♪
01:01:16I like that. I like this one.
01:01:19Here it is in orange.
01:01:22I think I like the orange.
01:01:27Should I try it?
01:01:28You could try it.
01:01:34There you go.
01:01:38You don't like it?
01:01:39No, it's too big.
01:01:40I know, it's too big.
01:01:42I don't like the color either.
01:01:44It's too big.
01:01:45Okay.
01:01:46Okay.
01:01:50Like it?
01:01:51I love it.
01:01:52Do you like the color?
01:01:53I do like the color a lot.
01:01:55It's not too orange.
01:01:56It looks pretty with your hair.
01:01:58It's simple, it's elegant. I love the fabric.
01:02:01I like the way it fits on your hips and your waist.
01:02:05My hair can be like back, maybe braids or something.
01:02:08Braids and curls.
01:02:13I like it.
01:02:14I love it.
01:02:15I love it.
01:02:16You look outstanding.
01:03:11I feel so lucky that I'm alive and that I'm married to this great guy and I have children.
01:03:17And I feel so grateful.
01:03:20From my point of view at this stage of my life at 75 years old,
01:03:24I think everything happened just the way it was supposed to.
01:03:28I'm way beyond healing.
01:03:30I've healed from it and I've been able to learn from it and I've been able to grow stronger from it.
01:03:36But it takes intention.
01:03:37You have to really want to heal.
01:03:40You have to really want to understand and work hard at healing and getting better.
01:03:47My mom died at 39.
01:03:49Every year that I live past that feels like a bonus round on a video game.
01:03:55I go to get my mammogram and they say,
01:03:57Oh, you're fine.
01:03:58I'm like, are you sure?
01:03:59You know, I'm fine.
01:04:01Do you want to do it again?
01:04:02Did you look at every angle?
01:04:04I mean, you know, most women complain that mammograms are painful, but not to me.
01:04:07I'm like, yeah, squeeze it.
01:04:09Put it in vice grip.
01:04:10I don't care.
01:04:11You know, and while so preparing for the onslaught of breast cancer,
01:04:16snuck in the back doorway was the heart attack.
01:04:21When they said you almost died of this heart attack,
01:04:24I remember thinking, heart attack?
01:04:26I'm going to die of breast cancer like my mother did.
01:04:28You know, that's not true.
01:04:30I'm not her.
01:04:32She's not me.
01:04:33And it took a heart attack for me to realize that I'm a separate individual
01:04:37with a separate life and separate destiny and a separate death date as well.
01:04:56It's very bittersweet when I tell the story about my mother's suicide.
01:05:02If my mother wouldn't have died,
01:05:05I wouldn't be married to my husband and have my daughter now.
01:05:13And I can look back in retrospect and see the life I've made for myself now
01:05:19and my new normal that I found.
01:05:27I've made this journey of trying to get out of the shadow of suicide
01:05:32to try to remember my mother and that she was a mother that loved me.
01:05:37It wasn't always this darkness in our lives
01:05:41and my artwork helped me to move through it.
01:05:48It's no longer this long, drawn-out train full of emotions
01:05:53and it's just a feeling of closure.
01:06:02It's time to let go.
01:06:23I decided to go out of state.
01:06:26I don't know if my mom would want me to do that,
01:06:29but I'm not the same person
01:06:31and what made her happy doesn't have to make me happy.
01:06:36Brooke is very nervous for me to go away.
01:06:39If she could, she would have me at UCLA,
01:06:42but I think it will also be good for her.
01:06:44She'll become more independent and not rely on me so much.
01:06:53My dad is bummed that I'm going out of state,
01:06:57but I know that he wants me to do what I want to do,
01:07:01so I think he's happy for me.
01:07:20My grandma likes to say that I need Jordan time
01:07:23and it's my chance to be my own person
01:07:27and not worry about my family
01:07:29and just get a chance to experience life somewhere else.
01:07:33I think about the possibility
01:07:36that my daughter will have the mutation on the BRCA gene as well.
01:07:42But I'm not that scared.
01:07:48I still have to finish having my kids
01:07:51and see if I'm going to be able to go back to school.
01:07:54that my daughter will have the mutation on the BRCA gene as well.
01:08:02But I'm not that scared.
01:08:08I still have to finish having my kids
01:08:10and see if I'm going to do any prophylactic surgeries.
01:08:15And I do have so much hope
01:08:18that in 20 years, 30 years,
01:08:23when my children have to start
01:08:25making their decisions about family,
01:08:28that there will be more things out there.
01:08:33You can't live in fear.
01:08:34That's a big lesson that my mother taught us.
01:08:39She did not want us to live in fear of her dying
01:08:44because otherwise we would not have lived
01:08:47our first years of being teenagers.
01:08:51The BRCA gene is scary, but we're informed.
01:08:55I know where the little, excuse me, the word bastard is.
01:08:59I know where my kids can look for it.
01:09:01It's not going to be a surprise.
01:09:06But let's do my journey first.
01:09:08Then we'll think about them.
01:09:20♪♪
01:09:30♪♪
01:09:40♪♪
01:09:50♪♪
01:10:00♪♪
01:10:10♪♪
01:10:20♪♪
01:10:30♪♪
01:10:40♪♪
01:10:50♪♪
01:11:00♪♪
01:11:10♪♪
01:11:20♪♪