30min | Comedy, Crime, Drama | Episode aired 17 November 1955
A milquetoast employee at a novelty company is overlooked by everyone from his boss to the woman he crushes on. But after being suckered by a shady tailor into getting a shockingly garish suit, he's whistled at by woman and mistaken for a gangster. His newly found self-confidence fits him well.
Director: Richard Kinon
Writers: Frederick Brady, Douglass Welch
Stars: David Niven, Jesse White, Allison Hayes
A milquetoast employee at a novelty company is overlooked by everyone from his boss to the woman he crushes on. But after being suckered by a shady tailor into getting a shockingly garish suit, he's whistled at by woman and mistaken for a gangster. His newly found self-confidence fits him well.
Director: Richard Kinon
Writers: Frederick Brady, Douglass Welch
Stars: David Niven, Jesse White, Allison Hayes
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Singer Four Star Playhouse presents Dick Powell, Charles Boyer, David Niven, Ida Lupino.
00:30Crept silently along the darkened hallway to the room of voluptuous Kitty Carstairs,
00:44who had spurned him, Mike the Gat fumbled clumsily for the doorknob. Mike the Gat stepped
00:51into the room, closed the door softly behind him. There was a spurt of flame, a deafening
01:01report. Mike the Gat fell twisting to the floor. Kitty Carstairs was in for it now.
01:07Her pretty face was as crushed and white as torn gardenia petals. How could this helpless
01:14beauty, this poor child of adversity, know that she had a perfect case of self-defense?
01:19She must dispose of the body. Her eyes wildly sought the dumb waitershaft.
01:35Inspector MacDonald concedes that the police are baffled. What was that again? A bigger
01:41bottle? Sneed, I can't begin to thank you for stepping in on this case, but I am baffled.
02:05So I gather. It has to be suicide, and yet... It was murder. Murder? You're sure of that?
02:13Oh, of course you're sure, but you wouldn't have said so. The gun was found in Dennis'
02:19right hand. That is true. Dennis was left-handed. Brilliant! Brilliant, Sneed, brilliant. Only
02:29you could have come so surely and unerringly to the point. Get a move on. Get a move on,
02:36will you? Morning, Sneed. Morning, Woodward. Hi, beautiful. Hi, handsome. Hi, beautiful.
02:54Watch your step. Good morning, Mr. Sneed. Ah, Miss White. Oh, Miss White, do you mind
03:17if I try out something on you? Oh, if you hurry. Now, every red-blooded boy must own
03:22a Coulter cosmic ray pistol, a deadly repeating weapon that Wolf Rugged used to crush the
03:27invaders from Mars. Boink. Boink? Does a cosmic ray go boink? Well, that's the trouble with
03:34this thing. It doesn't make any noise at all. Well, perhaps we'd better discuss it at the
03:37board meeting. They're waiting. Oh, Miss White, look, I was wondering, you being Mr.
03:42Coulter's secretary, perhaps you'd heard something. You know, with the vice presidency opening
03:46up and... Well, to tell the truth, Mr. Sneed... I just thought that maybe I could ask Mr.
03:50Coulter for some more money. Oh, I wouldn't do that. I mean, perhaps you'd better wait
03:55and see what Mr. Coulter has in mind first. And right now, of course, we're keeping him
03:58waiting. Oh, that will never do. And this cosmic ray... Would you stop wobbling that
04:09thing? I still say that this cosmic ray gun definitely will not repel any invasion from
04:15Mars. What do you know about an invasion from Mars? I don't know anything about invasions
04:19from Mars, but I do know about small boys, and they like guns that make a noise. The
04:23cosmic ray is silent, for your information. Well, they don't know that. They like guns
04:28that go boink. Or at a pinch, bzzzt. B.W., would you kindly inform Sneed to leave the
04:34creative thinking to me? Very well, Mr. Woodward. Let's adjourn our meeting until tomorrow,
04:40gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Coulter, I was... Oh, Sneed, I'd like you to stay behind for a few
04:43moments. See you tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. Until tomorrow, then. Sneed, there's something
05:01important... I'm sorry about what just happened, Mr. Coulter. I was only trying to help, and
05:04Woodward infuriates me. Well, that's what I'm afraid of. Afraid? Well, as you probably
05:09know, Sneed, Mr. Lonsdale is retiring. Yes, I know, sir. That leaves a vice-presidential
05:15vacancy and an opportunity for reorganization. I understand. Your job as promotion director
05:21is going to be eliminated. An outside agency will handle all promotion copy. Very wise
05:27decision, if I might say so. I do want you and Woodward to get along, Sneed, because,
05:31well, frankly, although it's not definite yet, I'm thinking of making him vice-president
05:36and promoting you to his assistant. Woodward's assistant? You see the need for harmony, Sneed.
05:44If you get along with him, all well and good, but if you don't... Is there anything else?
05:53Just one more thing, Sneed. Do try to write some copy for that cosmic gun without any
05:59boinks or blitzes.
06:19His wife. You knew, didn't you? About Woodward, I mean. I knew that they had plans for him,
06:25Mr. Sneed, but I didn't know it was definite. But I'm twice the novelty man he is. Then
06:30act like it, Mr. Sneed. All right, I will. First of all, I want you to have lunch with
06:37me, Christine. I'd love to, Philip, but I can't. Why not? I'm having lunch with Mr. Woodward.
06:56The name is Simpson. Simpson's the name. Simpson the suit king. Well, don't you agree that a
07:02cosmic ray gun ought to go boink or bzzzt? You novelty guys are all the same. Always with
07:09the spaceships. Why not? A buck is a buck, even if it comes from outer space. What can
07:16I do for you, Mr. Simpson? Nothing, friend. But I'm going to do something for you. Pick
07:22out the material. I don't want to buy anything. Buy, he says. You want a suit from Simpson
07:28the suit king. I never won anything in my whole life. Until today. I run a suit club,
07:37a dollar a week. Everybody who belongs is entitled to win a tailor-made suit free, absolutely
07:43free of charge, in any week. Now, in case you still haven't won a suit after 35 weeks,
07:50I make you one free of charge anyway. There. What can you lose? A new one right off the
07:56bat. I haven't even joined. Give me a dollar, quick. There you are. Now, frankly, the reason
08:09you won one so quick is that I'm trying to get my thimble in the door around here, you
08:14know what I mean? Drum up a little business. But this certificate says that I'm entitled
08:18to a suit. Sure. Now, I'll just wander around the office and tell the folks about your good
08:23fortune, huh? Gather around, friends. Gather around. Let's not be shy, huh? Simpson would
08:31like a word with you. A word that's going to mean money in your pocket, friend. The
08:35whole town is flocking to join Simpson's suit club. You too, my friend, are going to be
08:40privileged to join the organization that takes the consumer to its heart. There are only
08:45a few memberships left, friend, in this high-class exclusive coterie. And if you want to get
08:50in on the ground floor of a titanic bargain, remember it's a case of hurry, hurry, hurry.
08:56Hey, what do you think of this lucky character here? He wins a Simpson suit free. Could happen
09:01to you, friend. It couldn't happen to me, you cheap peddler, because I don't tolerate
09:05your kind around here. Here, now, just a minute, just a minute. You're talking to Simpson the
09:11suit king. Get out of here. This is a business office. I'm terribly sorry. You should be.
09:15All right, all right. Hold your horses, will you, Dad? Say, say, friend, would you give
09:19me back the certificate? I forgot to endorse it. I'll mail it out. Get out. Right, all
09:24right. You don't need a suit anyway. What you need is a double-breasted straightjacket.
09:29Get out of here. I'll get the better business hero after you. That guy's crazy. I had no
09:38idea, sir. Are you trying to disrupt my entire organization, Snead? What's up, B.W.? It appears
09:44that Snead here has won himself a suit and a raffle. Not a moment too soon, in my opinion.
10:08Well, welcome to Simpsons, the home of the gorgeous garment. Don't you recognize me,
10:29Mr. Simpson? Yeah, what is this, another summons? No, I'm the lucky winner from the Colton
10:35Novelty Company. Oh, yeah. Say, uh, say, that's too bad about you. It seems we made a slight
10:40mistake. You don't win a suit after all. There was another guy who works for another novelty
10:44company. You'd better let me have this. Now, just a moment, Mr. Simpson. This agreement
10:48says that I'm entitled to one custom-built suit. And I gave you a dollar. That makes
10:51the agreement legal. So you gave me a dollar. So sue me. I haven't the faintest intention
10:56of suing you, but I imagine the better business bureau would be most interested in this. Ah,
11:00what is it you wear, a single or a double-breasted? A single, please. Fine. Follow me. Stanley?
11:12Yeah? Bring out a couple of bolts of that imported cloth, the stuff we just got in from
11:17Albania. The only cloth we got back here, Mr. Simpson, is that stuff we've had since
11:21World War... Never mind, Stanley. Just bring it out. He's cute. I don't see very well without
11:28my glasses. It's kind of dark in here. Well, we're not in the electric light business,
11:32sir. We're in the clothing business. Well, Stanley, my boy, this is your big day. You
11:43mean you're going to let me make a suit? You've got to learn sometime. I think maybe this
11:48is a little loud. Loud? You planning on driving a hearse or something? Get with it, pal. This
11:53is a very gay pattern. We call it the rolling pin stripe. Oh, we got a houndstooth in the
11:59back. We give away a toothless hound... Stanley, knock off with the backroom jokes already,
12:04huh? Measure him. Measure him. Stanley, you're going to make him a suit, right? Right. Then
12:13you've got to measure him, right? Right. All right. Measure him. With a tape measure. A
12:27tape measure? It's like a cloth ruler. Cloth ruler, Stanley. The whole way. The whole way.
12:47Left to right, two thirds. Left to right, two thirds. Up and down, five feet. Up and
12:55down, five feet. Shoulder, 22. 22, shoulder. 26. Shoulder, 26. Have you heard anything
13:13yet? No. It's been almost a week now. I wish Mr. Colter would change his mind. I just don't
13:18see myself as Woodward's assistant. If you only had a big idea, Philip, a real big idea.
13:23A novelty that was really novel. Like Mr. Lonsdale's sensation last year, the kiddie dish.
13:28Remember? The kiddie dish? You mean with the raised gold lettering that said, here, kiddie,
13:32kiddie, kiddie? I have something much better than that. An Indian suit for kids with real
13:37feathers. And get this, hanging from the belt, two artificial scalps. Not bad at all. I have
13:43the prospectus right there on my desk. I'm going to bring it up tomorrow at the policy
13:47meeting. I have to go now. I have a rather important appointment. Good luck tomorrow,
13:53Philip. Thanks.
14:16You came back? You actually came back? My suit finished. It must be ready by now. Stanley,
14:31he came back. Step this way. You can change right in here. Kindly remove all your valuables,
14:41please. And hand the suit out when you take it off. He came back. What do you know?
14:45Shh. You better knock out a couple of lights. Where is he?
14:53Shh. Shall I give him the suit? No, we've got to get his suit first. Would you hand
15:01your suit out? We'll give it a little pressing. Thank you. You better hide this. Tell him
15:08we sent it to the cleaner. Why? Because he's got to walk out with the suit. Once he wears
15:13it, we're legally in the clear. Put it behind your collar. Can't wait to see how this came
15:21out. Where's the mirror? Look how the arms came out. And the legs are in the right place.
15:33A beautiful job, Stanley. My boy, your talent frightens me. Do you have a mirror? I'd like
15:39to see what I have on. A mirror? And look how the coat comes around, and it meets up
15:45at the right place. Stanley, show the gentleman the mirror. Oh, no. Oh, look at this thing.
15:59Look at the fit. Look at the material. It looks as though it's made out of an old awning.
16:03What is he saying? It's all right, Stanley. It's magnificent. Not magnificent. It's a
16:07shambles. But it comes out even any way you look. You want my opinion, sir? It's a poem
16:13of beauty. Nobody asked your opinion. You can put this thing in a box and throw it in
16:16the river, and I want my own suit back. Uh, well, we sent it out to be cleaned. I never
16:21asked for it to be cleaned. It's free, part of the Simpson Suit Club service. I can't
16:25go out there in the street in this thing. It's positively indecent. I don't understand.
16:29I just don't understand. Uh, Stanley, go lie down and rest a while. You crushed him. I
16:36can't help that. He's made me look like a gangster. Uh, look, chum, you got a suit for
16:40a dollar. It needs a little alteration here and there. So what? Wear it around a while
16:45till it gets to hang here. You know, give it a little airing. Know what I mean? You'll
16:49get to like it once you get there moving around inside of it. When am I going to get my own
16:52suit back? Uh, why don't you try us tomorrow?
17:06♪
17:31Bud. Bud. What's going on in the big one tomorrow? The boys need some help.
17:39Beg your pardon? Oh, excuse me, Bud. I thought you was from out the track.
17:44♪
18:00Dude? You're late. The boss has been waiting half an hour. It's all set. He's here.
18:10One half grand a night and the rest Saturday. He's waiting inside. Look, I've got to get
18:14away. Right back in here. Well, this is extremely kind of you. I really don't know how to
18:21thank you. It's rather awkward to explain. You see, my boss and his wife... Joe, he's
18:25here. Danny the dude from out of town. From the description, I don't own him anywhere.
18:32They told me you ran a fancy duds, but I had no idea. Man, that's a hunk of hollering,
18:37ain't it? I suppose it is. Look, I'm afraid there's been some slight misunderstanding.
18:42Okay, okay. You don't have to play it so dumb. We was tipped off. You was expected. Now,
18:46we don't want any trouble. You guys furnish the protection. That's all we ask. Now, here's
18:53a half a grand. Count it. Go on, go on, count it.
19:07Well, we've bagged them all. Look, I can explain everything. Yes, down at headquarters, you
19:11can sing to the inspector. Sing? Who's the inspector? McDonald. McDonald? Yeah, you know
19:17him all right, don't you, dude? Vaguely, yeah. Come on.
19:24Look, I want to see my mouthpiece. Yeah, look at the suit and the dude. All right, start
19:32talking, big shot. I can explain everything. There's nothing to say. I said talk. Just
19:37talk? That's what I said. Very well.
19:45He's a cool one. So I begin at the beginning? I'm the man you're looking for in the Dennis
19:55case. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Make notes of this. Last year, a girl called Kitty
20:01Carstairs and myself rubbed out a man called Mike the Gat. Called the commissioner? We
20:07dropped his body down the dumbwaiter shaft. It was shortly after this that I altered my
20:13methods, and I substituted the Boy Scout axe for the butcher knife, which I had used
20:17on my earlier jobs. I was pleased with the change, because although it cut down slightly
20:22on my artistry, it added greatly to my efficiency and speed. I had few complaints.
21:13But Mr. Snead, what was the idea of sitting here and stringing us along all night? You
21:17could have explained it had been out in an hour. You were in no mood for explanations.
21:20All you wanted was a confession. Well, I must say you were convincing. It was quite a little
21:25joke. It may be your idea of a joke. I doubt if my attorney will find it funny. Good day,
21:31Inspector. What are you gawking at? Maybe you don't like my suit. You've got me wrong,
21:41mister. I think it's great. I'd like you to take care of that as soon as possible, Miss
21:49White, and let me know the instant that Mr. Snead gets in. Yes, Mr. Coulter. Look what
21:56just blew in from outer space. And with his pajamas on yet. Who said the circus isn't
22:02in town? I do, because I'm looking at one of the monkeys. I had a suit like that once
22:09on my honeymoon. Best suit I ever had. That's a snappy suit. I like a suit that looks like
22:15a suit. You're on your feet, Woodward, so you may as well begin. Yes, sir. First on
22:21the agenda, Indians. Now, my idea would be a Coulter deluxe Indian suit with war bonnet,
22:28bow and arrow, and a couple of artificial scalps to hang at the belt. Not bad, not bad.
22:35It smells. I beg your pardon? I said it smells. He's saying that just because he didn't think
22:40of it first. I did think of it first, and I still think it's a bad idea, and you know
22:44why? Because when little boys are playing, cowboys and Indians, who always gets killed
22:49first? The Indians. Now, what child wants to buy something which can only result in
22:55him being knocked out of the game before it has hardly got started? Maybe you've got
22:58something better? I think I have, yes. The Coulter junior detective set, complete with
23:04a lie detector. It came to me last night. That's very good. Yes. It will be very simple
23:09to make. A small piece of garden hose, a tin box, a dial, and a pointer, and one of those
23:13things that doctors use for testing your blood pressure. Wonderful. I have a slogan for the
23:18kids, too. Even your best friends can have no secrets from you. That's little short of
23:24genius, Snead. We'll start production immediately. You'll be in charge of all phases. We'll
23:30discuss that after lunch. But, Mr. Snead, we're having a board meeting. It'll keep,
23:34B.W. It'll keep. Besides, I haven't really decided to stay on here yet. As a vice president?
23:40We'll discuss that after lunch. I'll come back to you later. You better get ready to
23:51run for the police. Here comes the suit. He looks like he wants to kill us. Ah, look,
23:59pal, anybody can make a mistake, huh? Here's your dollar. Give me back the suit. Let's
24:04forget the whole thing. That's not what I want. Huh? Uh, what do you got in mind? How
24:10much would you charge to make me an extra pair of pants? Waist, all the way. All the way.
24:21Popping down?
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