When the tiny nation of Grand Fenwick's only export, a special wine, begins to be produced in California, their entire economy collapses. Things look dire until Prime Minister Rupert Mountjoy (Peter Sellers) points out that no country that has declared war on the United States has ever gone hungry. When Field Marshall Tully Bascombe (Peter Sellers) and the 23 other men in the Grand Fenwick army invade the United States, their plan to immediately surrender unravels.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:00:30Where was it?
00:01:00What was it?
00:01:30Ladies and gentlemen, for reasons you will soon understand, the makers of this motion
00:01:39picture ask you not to divulge what you are now about to see to any living person.
00:01:46We take you now to the independent Duchy of Grand Fenwick, the smallest country on the
00:01:50face of the globe.
00:01:54This tiny but prosperous nation, which occupies a total area of fifteen and three quarters
00:01:58square miles, lies high in the French Alps, somewhere along, I beg your pardon, somewhere
00:02:09along, oh yes, here.
00:02:15Grand Fenwick was founded in the year 1430 by Sir Roger Fenwick, a poor but honest British
00:02:19baronet who, as he later said, took a fancy to the neighbourhood and moved in.
00:02:24Thus, thanks to Sir Roger, Fenwick is the only English-speaking country in Europe.
00:02:36Martin Fenwick is ruled by the Duchess Gloriana XII, who is a direct descendant of Sir Roger
00:02:41and is beloved by all her subjects.
00:02:43Although still in mourning for her departed consort, Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina,
00:02:49who disappeared during a tiger hunt twenty-seven years ago, the Duchess takes an active interest
00:02:53in her country's welfare.
00:02:57Fenwick's Parliament.
00:02:59Here is the hereditary Prime Minister, Count Rupert of Mountjoy, a graduate of both Oxford
00:03:04and Cambridge.
00:03:07Fenwick's Forest.
00:03:08Here in these sheltered glades, the welfare of his feathered and furry folk is watched
00:03:12over by Fenwick's hereditary forest ranger, Tully Bascombe.
00:03:27Fenwick's Army.
00:03:29Although Fenwick has been at peace for five hundred years, the longbow remains the national weapon.
00:03:34where the army exercises under the guidance of Tully Bascombe, who is also hereditary Field
00:03:38Marshal and Grand Constable of the Armed Forces.
00:03:41Aim!
00:03:42Fire!
00:03:47If many Fenwickians seem to resemble each other, this may perhaps be ascribed to the influence
00:04:00of the founder, who was, in every possible way, the father of his country.
00:04:06Fenwick's prosperity is based on its only export, Pinot Grand Fenwick.
00:04:11A small but sturdy local wine with a virile but friendly bouquet.
00:04:16For some obscure reason, the United States has always been the major market for this wine.
00:04:22Thus, secure in its prosperity and invigorated by its high alpine climate, Fenwick has always
00:04:28been a happy country.
00:04:33However, in 1959, a California wine grower bottled an imitation of Pinot Grand Fenwick,
00:04:44and called it Pinot Grand Enwick.
00:04:48Backed by a vast advertising campaign and sold at a low price, this imitation soon drove
00:04:54Pinot Grand Fenwick out of the American market.
00:04:58As a result, in a very short time, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick was in a state of absolute crisis.
00:05:04One fateful day.
00:05:05Gentlemen!
00:05:06Gentlemen!
00:05:07Gentlemen!
00:05:08Pray silence!
00:05:09Gentlemen!
00:05:10You made me drop a stitch.
00:05:11Your pardon, Your Grace.
00:05:13But has the Prime Minister never thought of sending a protest to the United States about
00:05:18this Californian fellow and his imitation wine?
00:05:21My dear, I'm sorry.
00:05:22I'm sorry.
00:05:23I'm sorry.
00:05:24I'm sorry.
00:05:25I'm sorry.
00:05:26I'm sorry.
00:05:27I'm sorry.
00:05:28I'm sorry.
00:05:29I'm sorry.
00:05:30I'm sorry.
00:05:31I'm sorry.
00:05:32Did you call this fellow and his imitation wine?
00:05:34My dear chap, I have sent not one protest but three.
00:05:36Mind you, the situation is complicated by the fact that
00:05:38we have never officially recognised the United States.
00:05:41So we've had to send all our protests through Monte Carlo.
00:05:45The sad truth is that each of these protests have been ignored
00:05:50until today when I received this.
00:05:52What is it, Bobo?
00:05:53A pamphlet from their Department of Agriculture on how to grow grapes for wine.
00:05:57But if that goes on, we'll be bankrupt.
00:05:59we'll be bankrupt my friend we are bankrupt as of today we are living on
00:06:02petty cash good heavens if only Paul Leopold were alive today
00:06:12your grace gentlemen our situation is indeed desperate we stand poised on the
00:06:21brink of disaster there is only one way out war we must declare war on the
00:06:26United States but we can never win such a war of course not but we could win the
00:06:33peace I've given this a lot of thought gentlemen and I'm perfectly positive I
00:06:37am right you must remember the Americans are a very strange people whereas other
00:06:42countries rarely forgive anything the Americans forgive everything there isn't
00:06:47a more profitable undertaking for any country than to declare war on the
00:06:51United States and to be defeated no sooner is the aggressor defeated than the
00:06:57Americans pour in food machinery clothing technical aid and lots and lots of money
00:07:02for the relief of its former enemies in other words gentlemen in effect we
00:07:06declare war on Monday we are defeated on Tuesday and by Friday we will be
00:07:11rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams yes but is that honest no not really but
00:07:17it's terribly practical and infallible too I give you my word your grace it will
00:07:23solve all our problems but we have no army oh pish posh who needs an army 20 men
00:07:29or so would be quite sufficient oh and who's gonna lead them Tully Bascom of
00:07:33course he's our hereditary field marshal and Grand Constable Tully no not
00:07:37Tully he's a very nice boy but he's never been any good at games exactly you can't send
00:07:45Tully on a mission like this he's got fallen arches flat feet sinus migraine
00:07:50claustrophobia my blood pressure apart from being near-sighted and getting dizzy in
00:07:54our places and we are not asking him to climb the Alps you know all Tully has to
00:08:00do is to get them in over there once they try to land in New York without visas they
00:08:04will be arrested and that's all there is to it really I don't want anyone hurt of
00:08:12course not your grace I'll tell Tully to be very careful besides we can send Will
00:08:17Buckley with him Buckley was a sergeant in the British army in the other war he
00:08:20can act as interpreter well gentlemen there's only one way we have but one
00:08:27choice bankruptcy or prosperity which will it be I move we declare war on the
00:08:34United States of America as leader of the party of the common man I say that war is
00:08:40reprehensible barbaric unforgivable and unthinkable and I second the motion
00:08:46well we're at war with America well done sir an historic moment and a profitable one too I hope
00:09:02well take this down to the first office and get it into the first immediately certainly sir
00:09:09oh and Will you'd better put a special delivery stamp on it at once sir
00:09:16my friend the die is cast but our cause is just there is a time and time to be or not to be
00:09:24that is the question nothing mentioned nothing gave our country right or wrong right
00:09:28we'll drink to that to our glorious defeat
00:09:34oh Tully yes what do you want well sir it's about this war I'd sooner not go if you know what I mean
00:09:49I don't know what you mean Tully and I'm surprised at you you know how badly we need the money
00:09:54yes I know sir but I don't like to leave the forest just now it's the mating season
00:09:59Tully this thing is bigger than the mating season this is your country calling yes yes now run along
00:10:07Tully and get your army together all right sir and don't do anything to make the Americans angry
00:10:11with you I'll be careful sir oh come come Tully look here I enjoy every moment of it it's great sport
00:10:17besides the the ocean voyage do wonders for you I get seasick sir my dear fellow with their new
00:10:23stabilizers and all that sort of rigmarole the modern ocean line is as steady as a robot
00:10:28I get seasick in robots Tully please
00:10:33well there you are pretty good turnout yeah I shouldn't think they'll want to go well not with
00:10:48the harvest coming up I expect I shall have to appeal to their sense of patriotism men of Fenwick do you love
00:10:57your country yes when you hear the name of Grand Fenwick do your hearts well with pride yes and if
00:11:04your country calls will you rush to enlist no oh I don't think I'm very good at this well
00:11:10better leave it to me yes now then I want 20 volunteers
00:11:17well men here is the situation we're at war uh we are going to invade the United States of America go
00:11:34well out my now if you'll let me explain how this situation I told you with the harvest coming up
00:11:40they wouldn't want to go I give them harvest
00:11:43told me
00:11:54yeah
00:11:56yeah
00:12:02Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear.
00:12:30Providence will smile upon you because your cause is just.
00:12:35I know that you will all uphold the honor of your country.
00:12:40And let it cheer your hearts to know that your government has managed the money for your return to your home, if necessary.
00:12:53Bless you all!
00:12:55Right, man. Not bad.
00:13:00Company! All right, march!
00:13:04All right, all right, three, march!
00:13:07Right, man.
00:13:08I do hope the Americans are kind to them.
00:13:23They're a fine, fine monument.
00:13:25The best investment this country ever made.
00:13:30Right, man.
00:13:31Right, man.
00:13:32Right, man.
00:13:33Right, man.
00:13:35Right, man.
00:13:36That's a great man.
00:13:37It's not a great man.
00:13:38Right, man.
00:13:39That's a great man.
00:13:40Right, man.
00:13:41Too soon.
00:13:42And a great man, too.
00:13:43Right?
00:13:45Oh, boy.
00:13:46Right, man.
00:13:47Let's try it.
00:13:48And a great man.
00:13:49And a great man.
00:13:50Yeah.
00:13:51Where do you think that might be a great man?
00:13:53Well, I'm sorry.
00:13:54Good girl, I'm sorry!
00:13:55Very much, Mr. hunters, um.
00:13:56Well, I'm sorry!
00:13:57I'm sorry!
00:13:58So, long as I can't do so, and I can't do so.
00:13:59The End
00:14:29The End
00:14:59A declaration of war
00:15:21To the President, Congress and people of the United States of America
00:15:24Greetings, act of aggression
00:15:27It declares a state of war exists between Grand Fenwick and the United States
00:15:33Oh, those boys in the press room
00:15:37Always making the jokes
00:15:39Take, take, take, hold
00:15:50Company dress up
00:15:53Yeah, take
00:15:54That wheel, we go
00:15:56Dead, right, dead
00:15:58Dead, right, dead, right, dead, right
00:16:01Pick them up, pick them up
00:16:02Keep going, you land members
00:16:04Dead, right, dead, right, dead, right, dead
00:16:08Dead, right, dead, right
00:16:10I think I'll go up on deck, Will
00:16:25You are up on deck
00:16:26Oh
00:16:28Why don't you go below if you feel seasick, Will
00:16:32I'll be all right
00:16:33Well
00:16:35Tell the men
00:16:38I think I'd like to be alone
00:16:43I think I'd like to be alone
00:16:51Let's go
00:16:54Let's go
00:16:54Let's go
00:16:58THE END
00:17:28Listen to this, sir.
00:17:34The President of the United States has announced the practice air raid alert,
00:17:37which will affect the entire east coast of the country.
00:17:40Ships will be forbidden entry into any port until the alert is over.
00:17:44When does it start?
00:17:45In less than an hour, sir.
00:17:47New York, completely deserted.
00:17:49That should be quite a sight.
00:17:50It's because of this new bomb they're working on, I suppose.
00:17:52That's it, sir. The Q-bomb, they call it.
00:17:54They say it'll make the H-bomb look like a firecracker.
00:17:56Hmm.
00:17:58It'll never replace the British Navy, Tompkins.
00:18:01Oh, no, sir.
00:18:08Look, sir! Look, sir!
00:18:09The Queen Elizabeth!
00:18:10Turn about!
00:18:26The port of New York's closed!
00:18:28What are you doing down there?
00:18:30Turn about!
00:18:32The port of New York's closed!
00:18:34Do you hear me?
00:18:35The port's closed!
00:18:37What's the matter with them?
00:18:38Stay away from...
00:18:39Hey! Stop that!
00:18:44What are you playing at?
00:18:46This is dangerous!
00:18:47Stop!
00:18:53But at war, Sergeant!
00:18:55Not with everybody!
00:18:56Not with everybody!
00:18:56Not with everybody!
00:18:58That's funny!
00:19:11I can't see anybody!
00:19:16That's funny!
00:19:25I can't see anybody!
00:19:34Looks deserted!
00:19:35Yes, that's what I mean.
00:19:36There doesn't seem to be anyone around we can surrender to.
00:19:43There's nothing moving, Will.
00:19:44No boats or anything.
00:19:47Is it a Sunday?
00:19:48No, it's Monday.
00:19:50We'd better check with the skipper.
00:19:51Yeah, yeah.
00:19:52There it is.
00:19:56The land of the enemy.
00:19:57It's big.
00:19:58The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
00:20:00Are you crazy?
00:20:01Don't you know we're supposed to lose the war?
00:20:03Well, no one told me.
00:20:05There's 175 million people in the United States.
00:20:08Yeah, but there's only 10 million in New York.
00:20:10We'll outsmart them, that's all.
00:20:18C'est impossible.
00:20:20Where's the Earth Department?
00:20:21Customs, Immigration.
00:20:23We were just wondering the same thing.
00:20:26Ah, but it is very peculiar.
00:20:28Hey, see that big building?
00:20:30Well?
00:20:31Well, I saw it first.
00:20:32It's mine.
00:20:37At the table, at the table!
00:20:40Now then, men.
00:20:42Please make sure you've got your passports and health certificates handy.
00:20:45Sir.
00:20:46Well, what is it?
00:20:48The invasion map, sir.
00:20:51Well, I see.
00:20:54THE END
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00:23:57HEY LOOK SIR
00:23:58THAT'S WHERE THEY ALL ARE
00:24:02UNDERGROUND
00:24:03COWARDS
00:24:04HEY YOU DOWN THERE
00:24:05WHY DON'T YOU
00:24:06COME UP AND FIGHT
00:24:07DON'T
00:24:08MAKE THEM ANGRY
00:24:09HERE MARSHALL
00:24:10LOOK AT THIS
00:24:14IT'S AN AIR RAID DRILL
00:24:15EVERYBODY'S UNDERGROUND
00:24:17MAYBE WE SHOULD GO UNDERGROUND TOO
00:24:19WE CAN SURRENDER
00:24:20WHEN IT'S ALL
00:24:21AIR RAID DRILL TODAY
00:24:22THE PRESIDENT TODAY
00:24:23ANNOUNCED DEVELOPMENT OF PLANS
00:24:24FOR A NEW BOMB
00:24:25INFINITELY MORE POWERFUL
00:24:26THAN THE H-BOMB
00:24:27AND CAPABLE OF DEVASTATING
00:24:28AN AREA OF 2 MILLION SQUARE MILES
00:24:32DESIGNED BY THE NOTED SCIENTIST
00:24:33DOCTOR ELFREG COKINS
00:24:34OF THE NEW YORK INSTITUTE OF ADVANCE PHYSICS
00:24:36A PROTOTYPE OF THE NEW BOMB
00:24:38IS EXPECTED TO BE A REALITY
00:24:39IN A MATTER OF WEEKS
00:24:41GIVE ME THE MAP
00:24:42MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT
00:24:43MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT AT THE SHIP
00:24:44NO NO WE MUST GET OFF THE STREETS NOW
00:24:46AFTER ALL WE ARE GUESTS HERE
00:24:47WE DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THEIR AIR RAID DRILL
00:24:49AH YES THERE'S THE ARSENAL
00:24:51THAT'S ON 64TH STREET AND 5TH AVENUE
00:24:53WE CAN CUT THROUGH THIS CENTRAL PARK
00:24:56OVER THERE
00:24:57ALL RIGHT MEN
00:24:58ALL IN FAVOR OF GOING OVER THERE
00:24:59RIGHT AWAY AND SURRENDERING
00:25:00SAY AYE
00:25:01AYE
00:25:02YOU'RE A FINE DISCIPLINED BODY OF MEN
00:25:03LET'S GO
00:25:05COME ON
00:25:06WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE ANYWAY
00:25:07BUT ALL I WANT WAS SOME CIGARATES
00:25:08OH BORROW ONE
00:25:09OKAY GIVE ME ONE
00:25:11HERE
00:25:12THANKS
00:25:13ALL RIGHT NOW COME ON
00:25:14GET GOING AND DON'T LET ME GET YOU UP HERE AGAIN
00:25:15GOOD THING THIS ISN'T A REAL AIR RAID
00:25:18SOME PEOPLE JUST WANNA GET KILLED
00:25:20THEY JUST WANNA GET KILLED
00:25:24LOOK AT THAT
00:25:25DECONTAMINATION SPOT
00:25:26BOY THAT'S THE JOB I WANTED
00:25:28NO WALKING
00:25:29YEAH
00:25:38AIR PIN PLEASE
00:25:39I DON'T HAVE ANY PAPA
00:25:41WELL A POPPY PIN THEN
00:25:45SO
00:25:47FINISHED
00:25:49THAT'S THE WARNING APPARATO'S IN PLACE
00:25:50YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET SOME FOOD AND SLEEP NOW PAPA
00:25:51YOU'VE BEEN AT IT WITHOUT A BREAK FOR 48 HOURS
00:25:52YEAH
00:25:53NOW I'VE HAD A BED PUT UP IN THE INSTITUTE SHELTER
00:25:54SHELTER?
00:25:55WHAT SHELTER?
00:25:56THERE'S A PRACTICE AIR RAID ALERT ON
00:25:57WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN THERE AN HOUR AGO
00:25:58AN ALERT FOR WHY?
00:25:59BECAUSE OF YOU PAPA
00:26:00BECAUSE OF YOU PAPA
00:26:01BECAUSE OF YOU AND THIS BOMB OF YOURS
00:26:02YEAH I SEE
00:26:03I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD THINK IF THEY KNEW ABOUT MY LITTLE WORKING MODEL
00:26:05I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD THINK IF THEY KNEW ABOUT MY LITTLE WORKING MODEL
00:26:07I THINK THAT THEY WOULD ALL BE VERY APRASED
00:26:09I'M GLAD THAT WARNING APARATUS WORKS
00:26:10YEAH OF COURSE
00:26:11COME ON PAPA PLEASE
00:26:12YES FOR HOW LONG
00:26:13IT COULD BE SOME TIME
00:26:14THEY WANT TO BE SOME TIME
00:26:15THEY WANT TO BE SOME TIME
00:26:16WHAT SHELTER?
00:26:17THERE'S A PRACTICE AIR RAID ALERT ON
00:26:18WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN THERE AN HOUR AGO
00:26:19AN ALERT FOR WHY?
00:26:20BECAUSE OF YOU PAPA
00:26:21BECAUSE OF YOU AND THIS BOMB OF YOURS
00:26:22YEAH I SEE
00:26:23I WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD THINK IF THEY KNEW ABOUT MY LITTLE WORKING MODEL
00:26:24I THINK THAT THEY WOULD ALL BE VERY APRAID
00:26:27I'M GLAD THAT WARNING APARATUS WORKS
00:26:30OF COURSE
00:26:32COME ON PAPA PLEASE
00:26:36YES
00:26:37FOR HOW LONG?
00:26:38IT COULD BE SOME TIME
00:26:39THEY WANT PEOPLE TO GET USED TO LONG ALERTS
00:26:40THEN I WILL HAVE TO REMOVE THE DETONATOR TO MAKE IT HARMLESS
00:26:43IT'S VERY SENSITIVE
00:26:44IT CAN GO OFF LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE
00:26:46ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'T GOT A HAIR PIN?
00:26:49HEY WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
00:26:50WHY AREN'T YOU TWO IN THE AIR RAID SHELTER?
00:26:52WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?
00:26:53WHAT'S THE IDEA OF COMING INTO THIS LAB WITHOUT KNOCKING?
00:26:55LOOK SISTER THIS IS AN ALERT
00:26:57SO LET'S BE ALERT
00:26:58COME ON OUT OUT OUT
00:26:59LOOK YOU'LL GET OUT IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
00:27:01ARE YOU KIDDING?
00:27:02NOW YOU TWO CAN GO PEACEABLE OR I CAN DRAG YOU OUT
00:27:07DOING PLAYING GAMES HERE?
00:27:08COME ALONG PAH
00:27:09DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S DR. COOKINS?
00:27:11COOKINS? SMOKINS?
00:27:12WHO CARES?
00:27:13COME ON LET'S GET GO-
00:27:14WAIT A MINUTE
00:27:17COOKINS?
00:27:18YOU MEAN THE FELLOW WITH THE Q BOMB?
00:27:20THAT'S RIGHT
00:27:21NO KIDDING
00:27:22NO KIDDING
00:27:23HI DOC
00:27:24HOW DO YOU DO?
00:27:25HEY THIS IS IT
00:27:27THAT'S IT
00:27:29BUT IT'S A SECRET
00:27:31NOW DO YOU MIND LEAVING US ALONE?
00:27:32MY FATHER WANTS TO DISCONNECT IT
00:27:34WHAT?
00:27:35YOU MEAN IT'S CONNECTED?
00:27:36IT SURE IS
00:27:37AND WHAT'S MORE IT'S ON A HAIR TRIGGER
00:27:39SO PLEASE DON'T SLAM THE DOOR ON THE WAY OUT
00:27:42YEAH SURE
00:27:43OKAY
00:27:45SEE YOU LATER DOC
00:27:46YES
00:27:47GOODBYE
00:27:48HEY
00:27:49WHY ISN'T HE IN OAKRIDGE WITH THE REST OF THE SCIENTISTS?
00:27:51HE'S EXCENTRIC
00:27:52HE LIKES TO WORK ALONE
00:27:53BUT I THOUGHT THIS THING WAS ONLY IN THE PLANNING STAGE
00:27:56IT WAS
00:27:57THIS IS HIS FIRST WORKING MODEL
00:27:58HE WANTS TO SURPRISE EVERYBODY
00:28:00GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
00:28:02OH
00:28:03ONE MORE QUESTION
00:28:04WHY IS IT SO DIFFERENT FROM AN H-BOMB?
00:28:07THE H-BOMB?
00:28:08THIS NEW BOMB IS BASED ON QURUDIUM
00:28:11WHICH IS 100 TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN HYDROGEN
00:28:14IN FACT MY FATHER USES AN H-BOMB JUST TO TRIGGER THIS ONE OFF
00:28:17IT COULD PROBABLY BLOW UP ALL OF NORTH AMERICA
00:28:19AND SOME OF SOUTH AMERICA ALSO
00:28:21ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
00:28:23YEAH WHERE DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO BE SAFE?
00:28:25NO THAT IS A DIFFICULT QUESTION
00:28:27CARBON 14 YOU UNDERSTAND?
00:28:29OH YEAH YEAH
00:28:31HEY THAT'S A DANGEROUS THING YOU GOT THERE
00:28:33YES IT IS
00:28:34LET'S JUST HOPE IT'LL NEVER BE USED
00:28:36THAT'S A NICE THOUGHT
00:28:37I FEEL BETTER ALREADY
00:28:46NOW YOU REALLY MUST TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL
00:28:50GOODBYE
00:28:52JUST A MINUTE
00:28:53YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT SINCE YESTERDAY PAPA
00:28:55HOW ABOUT ASKING THIS MAN TO BRING US SOME SANDWICHES?
00:28:57LOOK I GOT AN AWFUL LOT OF THINGS TO DO
00:28:59OH NOW YOU WOULDN'T WANT MY FATHER'S HANDS TO SHAKE FROM HUNGER WOULD YOU?
00:29:02WHAT KIND?
00:29:03CHEESE? CHOPP LIVER?
00:29:04CHOPP LIVER?
00:29:05CHOPP LIVER
00:29:06WITH A PICKLE PLEASE
00:29:07WITH A PICKLE
00:29:20CHOPP LIVER
00:29:22CHOPP LIVER
00:29:43NOW I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT
00:29:44ACCORDING TO THE MAT
00:29:45than that we're supposed to be taking a shortcut i'm tired oh chin up properly that's when we get
00:29:49to the arsenal and give us a nice cup of tea well someone's left the engine running maybe we can get
00:29:55a lift yeah hey what's the matter there's some guys hanging around the truck air raid wardens
00:30:09no these are funny looking guys what do you mean funny i mean funny looking like fish who are you
00:30:14kidding what do you mean like fish they got scales where all over them mother can you sick of something
00:30:28they're from outer space they're off a flying saucer off of sputnik oh look they've seen us
00:30:35let's get out of here they're from outer space they're off a flying saucer
00:30:40very good i'm getting out of the suit me too don't shoot we'll get into trouble hold it
00:30:51they're not from outer space they're americans they probably belong to this truck let's go after
00:30:55them tell them we're sorry no it's too late let's go and surrender before we're getting any more
00:30:59trouble come on now just a minute we shouldn't leave this truck with the engine running should we
00:31:03we'll turn it in that'll make them happy all right men into the truck we're right to the arsenal come on
00:31:10you wait here i'll get to a phone call special reports yeah right
00:31:26okay you come on down the subway hey wait a minute i'm a decontamination man
00:31:30yeah where's your uniform i threw it away when i was being chased by the men from outer space
00:31:35i'm waiting for my partner come on you're gonna come quietly listen come on come men from mars i
00:31:41saw them men from mars special reports special reports what's your name in section o'hara section
00:31:49four three hundred subsection three decontamination okay go ahead there's a bunch of men from a flying
00:31:55saucer just landed in central park how many 50 or 60 50 or 60. oh 60 men from a flying saucer
00:32:06say what is this just what i said i saw them 50 or 60 with metal heads all covered in some kind
00:32:14of shiny stuff they fired at us with some kind of a ray gun in central park listen bud you've been
00:32:20told to keep out of saloons haven't you the job you're doing is serious where are you now i'm in
00:32:24a grocery store in columbus avenue 69th street and i ain't been in any saloon well stay right where you
00:32:30are i'm going to send somebody over over flying saucers 300 of them in central park men from mars 400 of
00:32:38them in central park we have been invaded from mars thousands of them men from mars flying saucers all
00:32:43over the place men from mars with ray guns yeah i know
00:32:59right men number up
00:33:0321 22 sir all present correct sir good now there lads remember there is nothing wrong in surrendering to
00:33:11overwhelming odds provided we do it in a military fashion yes carry on right men fall in sparkly
00:33:23all right lads follow me let's real quick run
00:33:29hold yes
00:33:34look at that new york institute of advanced physics
00:33:39that's not the arsenal is it no we're lost again yes all right men back to the truck at the double
00:33:59will
00:33:59so general snippet get me washington
00:34:12yes snippet oh mr secretary i have to report an emergency situation in new york
00:34:18there's a rumor going around the city's been invaded by
00:34:21men from mars and it's spreading like wildfire did you say men from mars
00:34:26yes sir in central park well how did that rumor begin well the civil defense squad leader turned
00:34:30in a report was he drunk well we thought so i thought i better make a report of it anyway
00:34:36all right snippet you go out and make a personal inspection of that park and report to me
00:34:41this kind of nonsense can ruin an exercise designed to protect the largest city of our nation
00:34:46a city which i don't need to stress has been entrusted to your care
00:34:55get me my jeep
00:35:00we really better not wait any longer papa we have to get down to the shelter very well
00:35:06i am hungry now i'll do the bomb before we go well i don't understand why that warden doesn't
00:35:11come back with the sandwiches even with white bread with no pickle oh thank goodness
00:35:22just put the food here with oh who are you what do you want
00:35:29well what is it um i'm tally bascom and this is will buckley
00:35:36is that dr kokins yes i am oh how nice we just took a chance and here you are you didn't bring my
00:35:43sandwiches sandwiches um no sir we've come to capture you is this some kind of a joke what are
00:35:50those uniforms you're not wardens no miss we're soldiers i haven't got time to explain now but we're
00:35:55at war with america we came over here to surrender and now i think if we take dr kokins back with us
00:36:00we shall be in a much better bargaining position that is it in brief they're both crazy yes phone
00:36:06the police call the army that's no use sir everybody's underground what's that on the table
00:36:12it's a coffee percolator uh coffee percolator is it i've never seen an american percolator
00:36:20what do i push don't push anything i think that's the cubo
00:36:26yes small isn't it it's my portable well well well we better take it along too tally
00:36:35yes it's a very good idea well well shall we go you leave my father alone oh you're his daughter
00:36:41oh you better come along as well look i don't think you know no no violence please the bomb now mr
00:36:48grand marshal please permit me to to dismantle it first i'm sorry sir we haven't time
00:36:53how do i carry it carefully mr constable don't stumble don't fall because if you fall all of america falls
00:37:02with you i see
00:37:22shall we go
00:37:38fall in you men please treat the bomb with great care do be careful
00:37:44get him in quickly come along
00:37:57take care for all of you
00:38:05what is this what's happening here what's your name soldier i'm general savage a fool who are you
00:38:20what's going on around here why are you dressed like this i'm field marshal and chief constable
00:38:23tally bascom and you're prisoners of war field marshal and chief constable of what the duchy of grand
00:38:28fenwick all right fenwick you're under arrest you'll get a hundred years for this we'll talk about it in
00:38:33grand fenwick you'll be treated with all deference due to your rank general uh take him away
00:38:37a hundred and fifty years
00:38:46we interrupt this program for an important announcement
00:38:49contrary to rumor there are mars in the city do not panic what did he say
00:38:54men from mars in the city so stay where you are we have been invaded by men from mars
00:39:04did you hear that i knew it i knew it had to come
00:39:07from mars in the city so stay where you are
00:39:22ahoy there world field marshal you went away very long how did the war with the united states go
00:39:29are we won
00:39:43mr secretary sir yes captain what is it it's general snippet he's still missing oh that man's an idiot
00:39:50i'll have his star for this but they found his jeep at the new york institute of advanced physics they
00:39:54go on they say it was shot full of arrows arrows that's the report sir they're flying them down
00:40:03from new york also there was a flag on the arrows on one of the custom sheds at the docks what flag is
00:40:09it nobody's identified it yet but they're flying it down too also those uh rumors about men from mars
00:40:16they're still spreading i'm gonna stop this alert there's something funny going on and i don't like it
00:40:21a foreign flag on a custom shed yes sir
00:40:30uh fothergill you're in charge of post exchange relations i think we all realize how important it
00:40:35is to the well-being of any community to have a helpful friendly px so uh be on your toes and under
00:40:42the circumstances gentlemen i see no reason why we can't let the americans have our wine at our generous
00:40:47discount right agreed memory your first impressions are always the strongest so be sure and give those
00:40:54smiling boyish gis a fine friendly welcome when they arrive of course and uh as soon as we get the
00:41:01money we simply must get hold of some of those malted milk machines right and not forget about the uh hot
00:41:08dogs which uh brings me gentlemen to the question of non-fraternization now the occupation authority
00:41:17is certain to be very strict in this matter and naturally we will want to cooperate in every
00:41:21possible way i should imagine that non-fraternization will last for approximately what 48 hours in 48 hours
00:41:30after which gentlemen we will want those lonesome gi boys to feel that this is a real home away from home
00:41:40i think i've dealt with everything are there any questions no
00:41:47except uh shouldn't we have heard something by now my dear fellow not to worry even a complete
00:41:53nincompoop like tully can't spoil this war
00:42:05come on
00:42:09keep moving i don't want any more exercise up and up to your master's orders move on the double on the double
00:42:23it is worse than sitting on a barrel of gum powder much worse he won't let you dismantle it no i
00:42:36told him it was dangerous he said he wants it dangerous he's power crazy he knows whoever has
00:42:42the bomb has the world by the tail there is only one way to save us now you must persuade him to let
00:42:47me make it harmless i must persuade him why me he likes you well i don't like him for america no sir not
00:42:54me for mankind i hate him that is irrelevant not to me please do it is it absolutely necessary papa
00:43:05absolutely all right visiting time is over yes i'm just coming absolutely okay will you please tell
00:43:14the dictator i'd like to see him who ma'am baskin oh yes ma'am are you a typical american goldman come in
00:43:44you wanted to see me yes as a matter of fact mr bascom mr bascom
00:43:54you wanted to see me yes is everything all right oh wonderful couldn't be better a two by four cabin
00:44:03on a rocky old boat with a deadly bomb ready to explode under the floor what more could a girl ask
00:44:09oh that's nice thanks a lot is there something i can do for you yes you could let my father dismantle
00:44:15the bomb i'm sorry i couldn't do that please as a personal favorite to me no no i i couldn't i knew it
00:44:24wasn't any use talking to you go away all right
00:44:35i think you're holding me i am
00:44:41is this the way you treat all your prisoners of war i'm sorry oh i didn't mean to offend you i hope
00:44:47you're not upset no i'm not upset do you forgive me yes can i go now please not just yet please
00:44:59surely mr bascom despite everything we can still be friends can't we yes yes that's nice
00:45:08i've always admired strong silent men like you you're awfully young and handsome to be a real field
00:45:15marshal and everything do you like american girls i don't know any america american girls but you
00:45:22i like you i like you that's nice would you like to kiss me i wouldn't mind you can turn around right
00:45:32now and kiss me if you want to really really really
00:45:49oh
00:45:52listen to this broad bit look out for a pirate ship flying a double-headed eagle she may attack
00:46:07you what's that mean i can't imagine sir oh ship on the port bar is that so but perhaps you see this
00:46:14pirate ship hello hello you down there have you seen a little
00:46:22a little bit of a pirate ship
00:46:24oh
00:46:25oh
00:46:27oh
00:46:29oh
00:46:31oh
00:46:33oh
00:46:35oh
00:46:37oh
00:46:39oh
00:46:41oh
00:46:43oh
00:46:44oh
00:46:45oh
00:46:46oh
00:46:47oh
00:46:48oh
00:46:49oh
00:46:55oh
00:46:57oh
00:46:59oh
00:47:01oh
00:47:03oh
00:47:05oh
00:47:07oh
00:47:09oh
00:47:11oh
00:47:13oh
00:47:23oh
00:47:37oh
00:47:47i don't speak french
00:47:49that declaration of war
00:47:50no sir
00:47:51fine thing the united states and the grand dutchie a friend maker at war
00:47:55and it takes the fbi to find out about it
00:47:57yes sir
00:47:58declaration was found behind the radiator in that fellow's office in the state department wasn't it
00:48:02sir yes sir
00:48:03i mean yes anyway chester won't like it on the island of yap
00:48:07but how am i going to tell the president that we've been successfully invaded by a bunch of
00:48:11fifteen century europeans
00:48:13oh i'm sure you'll find a way sir
00:48:15and all over some imitation wine
00:48:17what i can't understand is why they had to resort to war there are many ways of
00:48:21settling differences short of war and we've always been nice to little countries all over the world
00:48:27they did send us some protest didn't they sir and we ignored them thanks how am i going to break
00:48:31the news to the president that we've lost the war lost the war sir just because they landed
00:48:36and took a few hostages and then got away again listen this is top secret not only did
00:48:40they capture dr kokins but they also took his working model of the q-bomb the q-bomb
00:48:46well that means yeah sure they just about control the world how am i going to tell that to the president
00:49:16the others are so thrilling so exciting where am i smelling salt saver
00:49:46hello bobo happy day
00:49:54there shouldn't i be here by now do you remember what that telegram said
00:49:59yes it said arriving approximately 2 p.m with americans and wonderful news
00:50:04love darling good good
00:50:07i hope they don't bring too many gis they know we're a small country don't they oh of course they do
00:50:10of course anyway they're very considerate about that sort of thing
00:50:13they're coming
00:50:25they're coming
00:51:27We're home.
00:51:28Actually, there's been a slight change of plan.
00:51:31I know it'll come as a surprise, a pleasant one, I hope, but we sort of won.
00:51:37You sort of what?
00:51:39Well, sir, it's a long story, but we captured the Q-bomb, the most destructive weapon in the world.
00:51:44And we got some prisoners, too.
00:51:45This is Dr. Kirkins, who invented the bomb.
00:51:47This is his daughter, Helen.
00:51:49This is General Snippet.
00:51:50And these are New York policemen.
00:51:51Oh, and this is the bomb.
00:51:53You blithering idiot.
00:51:55Lady, please, if this bomb should explode, it will wipe out most of Europe.
00:52:00I beg of you, let me make it harmless.
00:52:02We can't do that, Your Grace.
00:52:03If they make it harmless, we haven't won anything, just some prisoners.
00:52:06Oh, dear.
00:52:07This is most terribly complicated, isn't it?
00:52:12Put the bomb away somewhere in a dungeon, and the doctor and Miss Pokins can have the rooms next to mine.
00:52:20Would you like orange or tomato juice with your breakfast?
00:52:24Orange, please.
00:52:25Orange.
00:52:25But, lady, this bomb is not the kind of prisoner you can shut up in a dungeon.
00:52:30Listen, everybody, this bomb is stolen property.
00:52:33It belongs to the United States of America.
00:52:35Now, you stop that.
00:52:36We want it fair and square, Your Grace.
00:52:37Give it back, please.
00:52:39If you don't, you'll live in terror for the rest of your lives.
00:52:42Give it back.
00:52:43It's the honest thing to do.
00:52:45It's the wise thing to do.
00:52:47It's the American thing to do.
00:52:50There goes a red-blooded American girl.
00:52:52Your Grace, this is General Snippet.
00:52:57He's a real general.
00:52:58I warn you, madam, I know the Geneva Convention by heart.
00:53:02Oh, how nice.
00:53:03You must recite it to me some evening.
00:53:05I play the harpsichord.
00:53:12All right, just wait in here, one bit long.
00:53:13Come on.
00:53:14In here, all of you.
00:53:15Come on, sir.
00:53:17Thank you, sir.
00:53:18Take your hands off me who you think you are.
00:53:22Psychological warfare.
00:53:39Brainwashing.
00:53:40Remember, men, only your name, rank, and serial number.
00:53:42What are they torturing?
00:53:43Never mind what they do.
00:53:44Don't talk.
00:53:45Can we scream a little?
00:53:46No, the first thing we do is form an escape committee.
00:53:48And then...
00:53:49Well, there you are, General.
00:53:52Well, what do you think about our exhibits?
00:53:56I'm disappointed in you, lady.
00:53:58But you'll never get away with it.
00:54:00There are international laws for the treatment of prisoners.
00:54:03You can't torture us.
00:54:04You can't keep us in this cell, either.
00:54:06My dear General, this is not a cell.
00:54:09This is a museum.
00:54:10We don't do these things anymore.
00:54:13Oh, really?
00:54:15Oh, well, I know it all the time.
00:54:18I'm just testing you fellas.
00:54:20Well, if you're ready, I'll show you to your room.
00:54:23Just a minute.
00:54:24Are the regulation size cells 8 by 6?
00:54:26I really don't know.
00:54:28I've never measured them.
00:54:29And meals.
00:54:31They've got to be served on standard size tin plates.
00:54:33I don't believe we have any tin plates here, General.
00:54:37And we refuse to move.
00:54:39Unless you convince me that my men and I will be treated according to the regulations,
00:54:42I'm not budging one inch.
00:54:44Excuse me.
00:54:45I see.
00:54:45Are you sure you won't have something to eat, General?
00:54:58Only if it's served on a tin plate.
00:55:00Very well.
00:55:01Follow me, gentlemen, will you?
00:55:03Men, stand on your rights.
00:55:12I'm sure they can't foot.
00:55:14Men, where are you?
00:55:15Men, men!
00:55:30You?
00:55:30No.
00:55:34I hope the General's okay.
00:55:44I sure don't.
00:55:45No tin plates, eh?
00:55:50I have tin plates.
00:55:52I have tin plates.
00:55:52Here we go.
00:56:22The situation seems grave tonight and lights are burning late in every chancellery on the continent of Europe. More men are under arms than ever before in the history of the world. In Parliament tonight, the Prime Minister said that Britain and Grand Finnick were united not only by ties of language and history, but by blood, and that it was only a matter of pure accident that the tiny duchy was not a member of the Commonwealth.
00:56:47Therefore, Her Majesty's government would do all in its power to protect the integrity of this British outpost across the Channel. There were cheers from both sides of the House.
00:56:55In Paris, the President stated that not only was Finnick historically a part of France, but the interests of these two wine-loving and wine-growing countries were identical and would be maintained at all costs.
00:57:09There were scenes of excitement in Moscow tonight, where the Premier said that although the Soviet Union had invented a Q-bomb of its own many years ago, the peace-loving workers of the USSR would do everything necessary to prevent the Fennec bomb from falling into the greedy, blood-stained hands of the imperialist, warmongering hyenas.
00:57:29In the United States, the New York Yankees defeated the Milwaukee Braves 6-2 in the final game of the World Series, the American version of football.
00:57:41Meanwhile, there is no word from Grand Finnick, which now seems to control the destiny of the world.
00:57:46The tiny country apparently remains calm, unconcerned, and indeed almost indifferent to the rising tension.
00:57:52Sir.
00:58:22It's from China.
00:58:34It says,
00:58:35If there is anything we can do to help you against the United States, please don't hesitate to ask.
00:58:43Warmest regards.
00:58:45Impossible.
00:58:46No matter what, we simply can't do business with Red China.
00:58:49It's not from Red China.
00:58:51It's from the other one.
00:58:52Well, gentlemen, we're in trouble.
00:59:03Now, what are we going to do about it?
00:59:04I don't know what all the fuss is about, sir.
00:59:06We can take a plane with 40 paratroopers over to that little jerkwater country and get that bomb and this cock and sell before they know what's hit them.
00:59:13Sure, I'm with it.
00:59:14General, it's not quite that simple.
00:59:16Admittedly, we are at war with Grand Finnick and legally entitled to attack them.
00:59:19But do you want it recorded in history that a nation of our size attacked the smallest country in the world?
00:59:25Well, you know something?
00:59:29We're stuck.
00:59:30We sure are.
00:59:31And now the French have offered eight divisions to protect Fenwick from attack.
00:59:35The British are considering 14.
00:59:38Egypt is offered six and a half interest in the Suez Canal.
00:59:42Now, naturally, they all want to take the bomb home for safekeeping.
00:59:46Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy.
00:59:50They all want to help us.
00:59:51It's impossible.
00:59:53We fought a war and reaped as the fruits of victory disaster.
00:59:56Well, it was all your idea, Burbo.
00:59:58My idea?
01:00:00My idea was perfectly sound.
01:00:02Only an imbecile could have won this war.
01:00:04And he did.
01:00:05I know, but he meant well.
01:00:09And the Russians have offered 20 divisions and have told Fenwick they want an answer within 48 hours.
01:00:14We'll give them 30 divisions.
01:00:15General, you don't seem to appreciate our position.
01:00:19We're at war with Fenwick.
01:00:20How can we send troops to protect our enemy?
01:00:24You know something?
01:00:26We're stuck.
01:00:27And as a result, we now have this frightful engine of destruction,
01:00:30which of the mere rumbling of a farm cart can destroy us all and the rest of Europe with us.
01:00:34And are we to go to war with the whole world because of it?
01:00:37Oh, I know what our impetuous young friend there will say.
01:00:40Guard our frontiers.
01:00:41I say, let us give America the privilege of guarding its own frontiers.
01:00:44At least they can afford it.
01:00:47Your grace, we must give them their bomb back immediately.
01:00:49I'm not so sure about that, Bobo.
01:00:52I mean, the Americans are a wonderful people.
01:00:54And perhaps we shouldn't have taken their bomb.
01:00:57Anyway, Bobo, even if we give it back to them,
01:00:59some other country will go and invent a Q-bomb of their own.
01:01:02And then we'll have an X, Y, Z bomb.
01:01:05And someday one of them will go off.
01:01:07Boom!
01:01:07Then what does your grace suggest?
01:01:10I really don't know.
01:01:12But I think we should wait.
01:01:14Wait?
01:01:15Wait for what?
01:01:17I don't know.
01:01:18Just wait.
01:01:20I see.
01:01:20Well, in that case, I resign.
01:01:26So do I.
01:01:30They're all so sensitive.
01:01:34Well, Tully, I'm afraid you're Prime Minister now.
01:01:38Do try and think of something, won't you?
01:01:40Well, I'll do my best, your grace.
01:01:44That's a good boy.
01:01:47Oh, dear, dear.
01:01:48It's all so confusing.
01:01:51Having the bad conscience of the world in one's own home.
01:01:54It's very difficult.
01:01:57I do wish the apparent were here.
01:02:07But we won, didn't we?
01:02:11The world isn't the same anymore.
01:02:24Hey, you know something?
01:02:25Make peace with them.
01:02:26That way we can protect them.
01:02:28That's precisely what the President hoped you'd say.
01:02:31But, uh, unfortunately, the Secretary of State is still busy in the Far East,
01:02:36so it's up to me, I'm afraid.
01:02:37So I'll fly over to Fenwick immediately and try to arrange an armistice.
01:02:40Agreed?
01:02:41Yeah, fine, sure.
01:02:43Who is it?
01:02:45May we come in?
01:02:46No.
01:02:47Oh, I see you're still angry.
01:02:49I'm still a prisoner.
01:02:50May I say how much we both enjoyed your speech when you first arrived?
01:02:53If you enjoyed it so much, why didn't you let me finish it?
01:02:56Who are you, anyway?
01:02:57A friend, Count Mountjoy, her grace's chief advisor.
01:03:00This is Mr. Benter, leader of the Loyal Opposition.
01:03:03What do you want?
01:03:04Uh, in return, may I ask what you want?
01:03:08I thought I made that clear.
01:03:09I want to get that bomb back to America.
01:03:12And my father and myself with it.
01:03:14And General Snippet, and the policeman as well.
01:03:16Why not?
01:03:18Hey, whose side are you on?
01:03:20The side of sanity.
01:03:22In this case, dear lady, yours.
01:03:23We see nothing more advantageous than your immediate return to America with the bomb.
01:03:29Do you mean that?
01:03:30Absolutely.
01:03:31We just want to get out of this mess.
01:03:32What have you got in mind?
01:03:34Well, uh, we suggest you take that naughty bomb away.
01:03:38And what is more, we will help you do it.
01:03:41You mean take it back to America?
01:03:43We shall return for you within the hour.
01:03:45Be prepared to escape.
01:03:46Till then, dear lady, adieu.
01:03:50Oh, you American women are so charming.
01:03:51So very charming.
01:03:54Look, we've only got an hour.
01:03:57Good day.
01:03:59Good day.
01:04:29Who is it?
01:04:46Well, come in.
01:04:51I'm taking a bath, so wait out there.
01:04:55You're too soon.
01:04:57I didn't expect you for half an hour.
01:05:00You didn't?
01:05:01Who's that?
01:05:04It's me, Tally Baskin, remember?
01:05:07How could I forget?
01:05:08What do you want?
01:05:10I just wanted to talk to you about being friends, like you said on the boat.
01:05:13That was on the boat.
01:05:15You and I can never be friends.
01:05:17Goodbye.
01:05:18You really mean that?
01:05:19Yes, I do.
01:05:20Get out.
01:05:21You get out of here.
01:05:28You scream.
01:05:29You keep that on.
01:05:31The water was cold.
01:05:32How dare you come in here when I'm stuck in this miserable barrel?
01:05:35That barrel was made by a very old friend of a barrel maker's.
01:05:38Who cares?
01:05:38A barrel is a barrel.
01:05:39Now you get out.
01:05:40All right, I'll wait out there.
01:05:43Don't wait.
01:05:44Come back tomorrow.
01:05:45No, I'll just wait if you don't mind.
01:06:11Guard!
01:06:12Guard!
01:06:15Do you wish to see my credentials?
01:06:18I've come here to discuss a very important matter with the Duchess Loriana.
01:06:22Our orders are to admit no one so.
01:06:23But this is very important.
01:06:25That's what they all say.
01:06:27I've come here to discuss the surrender terms.
01:06:31Whose?
01:06:34Ours.
01:06:35You'll have to wait here with the others.
01:06:36Guard!
01:06:38Aggressor!
01:06:39We were all told to wait here until given permission to enter by the freedom-loving workers of Grand Fenwick.
01:06:46Oh, yeah, sure.
01:06:49Now, guard!
01:06:52A little caviar, comrade.
01:06:54Never touch it.
01:06:55Well, General, we haven't much time.
01:07:00Yes, but shouldn't we have Dr. Corkin's disconnected first?
01:07:03We can't find him.
01:07:03We looked everywhere.
01:07:04But I...
01:07:05Come now, General, please.
01:07:07General.
01:07:08Well, who's going to carry it?
01:07:39Shall we?
01:07:58Look, Bascom, there's no use hanging around.
01:08:00I have nothing to say to you, so for the last time, will you please go?
01:08:05I see.
01:08:08Well, goodbye.
01:08:11Goodbye, and if I never see this antique tourist trap of yours again, I'll be a happy girl.
01:08:16Antique tourist trap? You seem to forget we won the war.
01:08:19It was an accident. You snuck up on us.
01:08:21It was broad daylight.
01:08:22Everybody was underground.
01:08:23Well, anyway, we won.
01:08:24We weren't looking.
01:08:25And we've got your bomb, and there's nothing you can do about that.
01:08:27You stole it. It's stealing part of your primitive culture, too.
01:08:30It's captured booty.
01:08:31It belongs to the United States.
01:08:33And you belong to me. You're my prisoner.
01:08:38Thief?
01:08:39Thief?
01:08:40Thief?
01:08:41Thief?
01:08:42Thief?
01:08:43Thief?!
01:08:48Thief?
01:08:49Thief
01:08:51Thief?
01:08:54Thief?
01:08:58Get the car.
01:09:17It's me.
01:09:28Are you sure my father's waiting with the others?
01:09:34Would I lie to you?
01:09:35Frankly, yes.
01:09:37I promise you he's waiting with the others.
01:09:39Now, please, please come along.
01:09:41Who is it?
01:09:42It's me again, Tully.
01:09:45You can't come in.
01:09:46Go away.
01:09:47I've just come back to say that I'm sorry.
01:09:50And also that I've thought the whole thing over.
01:09:53And my problem is that I love you.
01:09:55You do?
01:09:56Yes.
01:09:57And furthermore, Helen, I think you love me.
01:10:00I do?
01:10:01Yes.
01:10:02Can I come in now, Helen?
01:10:04No, no, you just wait there a minute while I think.
01:10:07Well, take your time, then.
01:10:08Come on.
01:10:08He said he loved me.
01:10:09Congratulations.
01:10:10I think he means it.
01:10:11Yes, he's an idiot, please.
01:10:13Well, he's silly, but he's nice.
01:10:14Well, write him a letter, then.
01:10:15I think I've always liked him.
01:10:17So have I, my dear, but please let us go now.
01:10:21Where are they?
01:10:24Some transportation you've arranged, I must say.
01:10:26It belongs to the Duchess.
01:10:28I only hope she doesn't find out, that's all.
01:10:31I've got my own worries.
01:10:33Helen?
01:10:42Helen?
01:10:43Helen?
01:10:43Where's my father?
01:10:47Uh, yes.
01:10:48Where's her father?
01:10:49I thought you had him.
01:10:49I knew you were a snake, you snake.
01:10:51My dear girl, there is nothing to worry about.
01:10:53We shall look after your father, I assure you.
01:10:55You just get the bomb home, and he will be perfectly safe.
01:10:58You not only expect me to leave him, but you don't think we try to escape in this thing
01:11:01without the bomb being dismantled, do you?
01:11:02Little lady, there is no time to argue.
01:11:05Please go.
01:11:08Bon voyage.
01:11:11Where do you suppose the doctor is, anyway?
01:11:14Haven't the faintest idea.
01:11:16Helen?
01:11:17My girl and my bomb.
01:11:34Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the end of our film.
01:11:37However, something very much like this could happen at any moment.
01:11:40We just thought we ought to prepare you and more or less put you in the mood.
01:11:46And now, back to our story.
01:11:50Fine.
01:11:51I have another throw.
01:11:55One.
01:11:55Six.
01:11:56One, two, three, four, five, six.
01:11:59I bomb Philadelphia.
01:12:01Who owns Philadelphia?
01:12:03I do.
01:12:04Ha!
01:12:04You owe me 500 heavy bombers.
01:12:06Here.
01:12:08Now it's my turn.
01:12:11Four.
01:12:12One, two, three, four.
01:12:14Take a chance.
01:12:16Go to salt mine.
01:12:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:12:19Uh-uh.
01:12:19Fortunately, I can pay a fine instead.
01:12:25I get Saudi Arabia.
01:12:27Ha!
01:12:27Not a bad game.
01:12:29I agree.
01:12:30It's called diplomacy.
01:12:31It's my chauffeur's, actually.
01:12:32Jolly good fun, I think.
01:12:33My throw.
01:12:34Yes.
01:12:35Yes.
01:12:46Oh!
01:12:47Oh!
01:12:48Stop it, you idiot!
01:13:03fix the car you idiot
01:13:16don't you think you ought to hold this for a while after all it's your father's
01:13:21oh no not me i'm only a girl
01:13:23hurry up boys gently
01:13:53oh
01:13:55yeah
01:13:57yeah
01:14:02yeah
01:14:08yeah
01:14:10yeah
01:14:15yeah
01:14:19Let's go.
01:14:49Stop that.
01:14:51What's the matter now?
01:14:53Won't make the hell.
01:14:55Well, do something. Get out and push.
01:15:03Now, don't jerk it.
01:15:09Steady.
01:15:11Put some weight behind it.
01:15:19Easy, boys.
01:15:21Get out and push!
01:15:23Get out and push!
01:15:25Come on!
01:15:29Let's go.
01:15:31Let's go.
01:15:33A car just ran into that haystack.
01:16:02By Jove.
01:16:04Hurry up, you guys.
01:16:06Come on, let's get him out of there.
01:16:08General Snippet.
01:16:09Bill, are you all right?
01:16:16Come on, hurry up.
01:16:17General Snippet, are you all right?
01:16:20Oh, what's going on?
01:16:22How's it going?
01:16:24Get out of here.
01:16:32What a hell of a crazy thing!
01:16:36You see it!
01:16:38You see it, T-T?
01:16:40You see it, T-T?
01:16:42You see it, T-T?
01:16:43It's the end, you see it.
01:16:44You see it.
01:16:46Let's go.
01:16:49Oh, my God.
01:17:20Well, I'm ready.
01:17:25Good.
01:17:27Well, sir, I've never been a Prime Minister before, and, um...
01:17:33Anyway, um, point one, the California wine must go off the market and we go back to business as usual.
01:17:41Do you want that in the peace treaty?
01:17:42Oh, yes, sir, we want that in the treaty.
01:17:44And we want a million dollars.
01:17:46You mean a billion dollars?
01:17:47No, sir, no, just a million.
01:17:49You can't expect us to give you a measly million.
01:17:52That's less than we spent in Germany and one city alone.
01:17:55Yes, but you see, sir, they lost.
01:17:56Well, I can't promise to get that through. You may have to take a billion.
01:17:59Well, if you could try, sir.
01:18:01You know.
01:18:01And, uh, we'd like some of that to be in the form of bathtubs and other plumbing equipment.
01:18:07That's right, Helen, isn't it?
01:18:08Yes, dear.
01:18:09Yes.
01:18:10We're going to be married, sir.
01:18:12Congratulations.
01:18:14Thank you, sir.
01:18:14Now, what about the bomb?
01:18:17Well, uh, the bomb stays here.
01:18:19And, uh, Dr. Kokin's, too.
01:18:21We want him to develop a chewing gum with a Pinot-Gran Fenwick flavor, which, uh, naturally we expect to export to the United States, sir.
01:18:29Well, do you want me to include that in the peace treaty?
01:18:31Absolutely.
01:18:32Oh, yes, that, that, that must happen.
01:18:33Very well.
01:18:34But now, what about the bomb?
01:18:35Surely you realize that you can't keep it indefinitely.
01:18:39Well, sir, we'd like your president, who we admire very much, to try and persuade the United Nations to let the little countries of the world look after the bomb.
01:18:49We want a general disarmament.
01:18:51And we want this League of Little Nations to be in charge of the inspection, to see that it all goes through smoothly, you know.
01:18:58I see.
01:18:59I think.
01:19:01But look, what you're proposing isn't new.
01:19:02Everybody's been crying for disarmament for years, and nothing happened.
01:19:05What are you offering the big nations of the world in return for their arms?
01:19:09Well, sir, we offer them trust.
01:19:11You see, they can't agree on anything because they all suspect each other.
01:19:16I think we all hope things will be better after the last war, but in many ways they're worse, all these bombs and things.
01:19:23Well, do you really believe that the big nations are going to trust a group of small, neutral nations to set up a disarmament policy for them?
01:19:29Do you think they'll agree to that?
01:19:31Well, I hope so, sir, because if they don't, we just have to exploit the bomb.
01:19:37But you'd all be blown up, too.
01:19:38You see, Mr. Secretary, if there were to be an atomic war, Fenwick would be destroyed anyway.
01:19:44The way things are, we're just prolonging the agony, aren't we?
01:19:47I see what you mean.
01:19:49Well, America wants nothing more than peace, always has.
01:19:52I'll do my very best, and for all our sakes, I hope you make it.
01:19:57It was awfully nice of you to come.
01:20:00You'll be escorted back to the border.
01:20:03Do give my love to your president, will you?
01:20:05And Mrs. Coolidge, too.
01:20:11Your Highness, please, excuse me, this is most important.
01:20:14The bomb has had such a shaking up, I think better I give it a good look.
01:20:18As soon as possible.
01:20:20In fact, now.
01:20:21Yes, I do think Papa's right.
01:20:22Yes, well, do be careful, won't you, Papa?
01:21:22You are a dud.
01:21:38All the time, it was a dud.
01:21:42Remarkable.
01:21:43Congratulations, sir.
01:21:45Papa, I'm proud of you.
01:21:47Only we know.
01:22:00Oh, uh, how's the bomb getting on?
01:22:16Never a better, Will.
01:22:17Oh, fine.
01:22:17Fine.
01:22:18All right, carry on.
01:22:19Oh, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud of you, Papa, I'm proud