The slightly dark, incredibly quick, observational style of Mary Santora's comedy is one that is uniquely her own. Drawing from real life experiences, Mary takes the audience on a storytelling driven ride, while seamlessly weaving in and out of crowd interactions, leaving a lasting impression on anyone who sees her.
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00:00That's where my anxiety baby's at.
00:02I love it. Listen to how loud you are.
00:07We're mixing drinks and medication tonight, aren't we?
00:12That's where those moves come in.
00:14Cause anytime I ask that question, people are usually like,
00:17Hey, I have anxiety.
00:21Not here, not LA.
00:24You guys are like, I'm a professional.
00:26I'm eight white claws and two Xanax in, babe. Let's go.
00:33I have anxiety. I have a very specific form of anxiety.
00:36I have what is called panic disorder,
00:38which means that I don't have generalized anxiety,
00:40but I will go from having a completely normal day to a full blown,
00:44I'm going to die panic attack in like less than 30 seconds.
00:48The best way I can describe it, it's like I have two halves of my brain.
00:52I have the anxiety half of my brain,
00:54and then I have the logical half of my brain, right?
00:57And anxiety is like, Hey, everything's on fire.
01:00You're going to die one day.
01:01So I'm just going to make that day today.
01:03And I'm going to start shutting shit down.
01:06All right.
01:10And logic tries to talk it down.
01:12Okay. Logic tries, but for whatever reason,
01:15logic has like Amber Heard's lawyer.
01:22Logic's out here objecting to its own statements.
01:28Logic's like, you're fine. Take your pills. Objection, hearsay.
01:33Are we dying or what, man? Now's not the time.
01:37I will. I'll be having a toilet. I'm just watching TV.
01:39And all of a sudden anxiety just speaks up, right?
01:42Anxiety's like, Hey, Mayor, are we breathing funny?
01:48I feel like maybe our rhythm is a little bit off.
01:52And logic tries. He's like, no, no, no, no.
01:55We're not breathing funny. Hey, breathing exercises.
01:58All right. In for four seconds. Hold for four seconds.
02:01Out for four seconds. Okay. He's like, no, no, no, no.
02:04I'm past that. I'm starting to get lightheaded, man.
02:06You know what I think we should do?
02:07I think we should Google how many breaths per minute the average person takes.
02:11Yeah, yeah. And then start a timer and then we'll count to that number.
02:15And then if we're on par, I'll go right to bed.
02:17He's like, okay, we're not going to do that.
02:19Because the last time we did that, we ended up in the ER.
02:23Okay. So, hey, grounding techniques. All right.
02:27Just name five things you can see. All right. Calm down.
02:31He's like, you know, I love it when you tell me to calm down.
02:35But I set this entire fucking place on fire.
02:37Don't you want? Because we can die today, bitch.
02:39And that's when logic snaps. And logic's like, no, no, no, don't set it on fire.
02:42You know what? I am feeling a little bit lightheaded.
02:45I am feeling like maybe we should just call 911 because we are definitely dying.
02:55That's how you end up on Lexapro.
03:03I did that joke in West Virginia recently and no one laughed.
03:09Which I call bullshit, to be honest with you.
03:12I am in West Virginia. The sheer amount of Mountain Dew consumed in that state.
03:17You got four teeth in your whole head.
03:20You tell me you've never had a shaky chest. I don't buy it.
03:27I did have one guy in front row who was very concerned, but very confused.
03:33And he looks at me and he just goes, are they your sponsor?
03:39I was like, are you asking if I'm legally obligated to mention Lexapro in my standup set?
03:46Like, no, but what a life goal. Oh, my God.
03:50I feel like as a standup comedian, I should be the face of any anti-anxiety, anti-depressant medication.
03:56That would be perfect. It could just be like me, kind of offstage, sad, you know, just like...
04:04You know, as a comedian, life isn't always funny.
04:17But I got my punchlines back with Lexapro.
04:25I do. My parents fucked me up. That's why I'm all weird about having emotions.
04:29I wasn't allowed to have emotions. You kidding me?
04:32Like, I especially wasn't allowed to cry.
04:34My dad said the same thing to me that I'm sure your dad said to you.
04:37If you don't stop crying, I'm gonna give you something to cry about.
04:44That right there. Yep. That right there, my friends, is called generational trauma.
04:49If you've ever said, I don't need therapy, and then you completed that sentence, you need therapy.
04:55My dad was the worst. I remember the one time I was crying and crying and crying, and I couldn't stop crying, and he just snapped on me.
05:02He just goes, hey, quit crying. Crying is gay.
05:07I was like, but you're confused about why there's so many different sexual orientations?
05:17Yeah, because every time a millennial cries, we're like, I don't know. Am I gay?
05:23I might be gay. No, I don't like women. Is there another option?
05:30Can you just add a letter for me?
05:40My dad actually passed away two years ago. He did.
05:43I'm gonna talk about it, so I just want to let you guys know two things.
05:46Number one, everything I'm about to say is 100% true.
05:49And number two, not laughing or getting weird and uptight and uncomfortable is not gonna make my dad any less dead.
05:59So everyone go ahead and loosen your assholes.
06:02I'll say this. I think that having a parent die has got to be the fastest way to figure out which of your friends cannot cook.
06:17My friends are bringing me like lasagnas and shit, and they're like, oh my God, cooking should be the last thing on your mind right now.
06:24And I'd taste it and be like, was it the last thing on yours?
06:27How'd you fuck up noodles?
06:33Wild, dude.
06:36We actually, we found out that my dad had another kid, which is crazy, right?
06:41You always hear about that happening. You're like, we're not that trashy.
06:46It happens and you're like, God damn it, dude.
06:50We found out that my dad had another kid, which is crazy, right?
06:53It happens and you're like, God damn it, dude.
06:57We found out that my dad had another kid on the same day that I had to write his obituary.
07:02Yes, it's a messed up day to begin with, okay?
07:04And my mom, she throws us a little curveball and she just goes, well Mir, are you gonna include the guy in the obituary?
07:12I think he has a right to be in there.
07:14I was like, Mom, this is supposed to be like a loving heartfelt thing.
07:19What would that, would I just be like, Anthony Santora Sr. was survived in life by his children, Anthony Jr., Mary Lynn, and Carl?
07:33He seems nice, we just met him.
07:37And it's funny because they say hindsight's 20-20.
07:39So now looking back on that situation from childhood, it makes so much more sense.
07:44Because I thought we were watching shows like Maury and Jerry Springer just because we were poor and didn't have cable.
07:51Turns out, Dad was just showing us game tape.
08:00My dad and I actually had a very tumultuous relationship.
08:02He and I fought a lot, okay?
08:03And the one thing we fought about more than anything else was stand-up comedy.
08:07He hated that I did stand-up comedy, okay?
08:10And he wasn't a nice guy about it.
08:11He'd be like, the fuck you doing with your life?
08:13You're driving all over hell.
08:14No one knows who you are.
08:15No one gives a shit.
08:16You need to give this up and get a real fucking job.
08:20Now, in my dad's defense, I did drop out of pharmacy school to become a stand-up comedian, okay?
08:26So I should have been making $150,000 a year at CVS.
08:30And I, now I'm like, you guys can phone me on TikTok, I don't give a shit.
08:3634 years old, alone in my house, I'm a savage.
08:42So he's probably got a point.
08:47But before my dad passed away, we were able to sit down and have a really long heart-to-heart.
08:51And I was very glad that we had that opportunity, okay?
08:54But even after that, it was still hard to forgive him for some things.
08:58Because, like, my dad left my family when I was 11 years old, okay?
09:02Gone when I was 11.
09:04And he also died from COVID two years ago.
09:08We think that he contracted COVID at the grocery store.
09:11Making it the second time in my life that my dad has gone out for milk and never come back.
09:17Thank you.
09:34I'm pretty sure it's why I'm lactose intolerant.
09:40My dad was a big dude.
09:42My dad weighed 386 pounds, okay?
09:44386 pounds, okay?
09:45He was a giant person.
09:47When we had that heart-to-heart, he told me he wanted to lose some weight.
09:49So I was like, hell yeah, dude, let's do it, let's work out together.
09:52And he was doing great.
09:53At the beginning of it, he fit in like a 6X.
09:55And by the end of it, he fit in like a 4.
09:58Inch urn.
10:05That was the one that was too much.
10:09Listen, just don't groan.
10:12Why are you groaning?
10:14My dad finally hit his goal weight.
10:20All it took was for someone to light a fire under his ass.
10:25Oh, shit.
10:30He finally got that smoking hot body he always wanted.
10:36You haven't laughed once.
10:37My father was cremated.
10:38Do you understand?
10:40No, she gets it.
10:43She gets it.
10:46Listen, guys, I've been doing those jokes for two years now.
10:48I've had every reaction to those jokes.
10:50It's mostly what you gave me.
10:51You guys don't know who the hell I am.
10:53You came out to have a good time.
10:54You're like, what the fuck is this?
10:55I get that.
10:57But then I also know there's people in the audience who have dead parents.
10:59Whose parents might have even died from COVID.
11:01And they're sitting out there like, fuck yeah, never stopped doing these jokes.
11:04No one told me about the shitty lasagna.
11:08But then I had one reaction I had absolutely no idea what to do with.
11:12I was doing these jokes in Cleveland, Ohio, where I am from.
11:15Same jokes you guys heard.
11:17Halfway through the set, some dude in the back of the room yells out,
11:20cuts me off.
11:21And he just goes, too soon.
11:27I was just like, oh shit, Carl, is that you, man?
11:31That's it for me, guys.
11:32Thank y'all so much.
11:33My name's Mary Santora.
11:37I'll see y'all later.
11:38Peace.