CBW - S1 | PFK - PartsFunKnown by WrestleTalk - Dailymotion

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Transcript

00:00:00 Hello, I'm Adam, hailing from partsFUNknown, and if you're wondering why I'm all dressed up,

00:00:05 this is the Colossal Tussle.

00:00:08 Everything has been leading to this here on NoRulesBar.

00:00:11 We've got TonyTheMilkman putting his career on the line against his son KidFlips,

00:00:15 PreciousMetals challenging for the CBW Tag Team Championships,

00:00:19 and TheDenimatrix goes one-on-one with CBW Champion Apex with all the gold on the line.

00:00:25 Now, as usual, if you like this game, it is based on Worldwide Wrestling by Nathan D. Powletta,

00:00:30 link to his website in the description below.

00:00:32 And also, we're going to be starting the show with a special treat match,

00:00:34 the Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royal, where for the first time in this series,

00:00:39 all the players will be playing different characters for this one match only.

00:00:44 This match has special rules, but because we want to get you into the show as soon as possible,

00:00:47 check in the description for those rules.

00:00:50 So get ready, it's time for the Colossal Tussle.

00:00:55 Take it away, Tom.

00:00:57 Hello, and welcome to City British Wrestling's annual Colossal Tussle.

00:01:03 My name's Tom, head of creative here at CBW, and this is our roster.

00:01:07 Hi, I'm Laurie, I'm playing TonyTheMilkman, who is the veteran character.

00:01:12 I'm Oli, I'm playing Golden Joe.

00:01:15 Joe!

00:01:16 Joe!

00:01:17 And bro.

00:01:18 I'm not playing bro, he's just my bro.

00:01:20 And I'm the golden boy.

00:01:22 I'm Luke, I'm playing Silver Bro, the brother of Golden Joe, Joe, Joe,

00:01:26 and I play the gatekeeper class.

00:01:29 I'm Lolo, and I'm playing the Denimatrix, who is the anti-hero.

00:01:34 Hello, I'm Adam, and I'm playing Kid Flips, who is the high-flyer.

00:01:40 Right, let's do a really big fight.

00:01:44 Yeah!

00:01:45 Big fight, you big ears!

00:01:47 CBW! CBW! CBW!

00:01:50 Okay.

00:01:51 We find ourselves in a colossal open-air stadium that City British Wrestling have set up

00:01:57 for this year's annual Colossal Tussle, the biggest fight of them all.

00:02:02 As soon as the stream goes live, pyrotechnics burst out from the ring posts,

00:02:07 burst out from between the audience, burst out from the side of the ramps,

00:02:10 in the familiar red, blue, and gold of City British Wrestling.

00:02:15 The letters CBW are spelt out in fireworks way, way, way above the ring.

00:02:20 The audience gasp and coo and "Ohhh!"

00:02:26 Dangerous to do that.

00:02:27 And the voice of the announcer rings out over the top-grade speaker system

00:02:31 that has been hired for this special occasion.

00:02:34 No expense spared!

00:02:36 A disco trot.

00:02:37 Welcome, everyone, to City British Wrestling,

00:02:41 and welcome to this year's Colossal Tussle.

00:02:45 Tussle! Tussle! Tussle! Tussle! Tussle! Tussle! Tussle!

00:02:49 Prepare yourselves as these grappling gladiators clash

00:02:53 inside and outside the ropes in the name of guts, glory, and gold.

00:03:04 It is now time for the Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale.

00:03:11 Five entrants will start the match in the ring at the same time.

00:03:16 A wrestler can only be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope

00:03:20 with both feet touching the floor.

00:03:22 The winner is the last wrestler standing.

00:03:26 As this announcement is called out,

00:03:29 a huge life-size statue of the late Colossal Russell

00:03:35 is lowered from above the ring to a point about 12 feet above the mat,

00:03:39 where it is suspended.

00:03:40 This is both a replica and the trophy for whoever wins this year's

00:03:45 Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale.

00:03:48 Good job.

00:03:50 A respectful silence washes across the audience

00:03:53 as everyone just takes in for a moment

00:03:55 the mighty and beloved form of the greatest giant CBW has ever known.

00:04:01 For the audience at home, for this one extra special match,

00:04:06 our roster of players will be playing different wrestlers

00:04:09 from whom they usually play, but fear not,

00:04:11 the characters you love will return

00:04:13 after the Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale.

00:04:16 Making his way to the stage,

00:04:19 Kaj Marnikan!

00:04:22 Circus music.

00:04:25 A gigantic but slightly tired beefcake of a man,

00:04:30 completely bald,

00:04:32 a huge handlebar moustache

00:04:35 and a leopard-skin strongman's onesie.

00:04:39 Onesie? Singlet! There we go.

00:04:42 And he emerges from the back in a spotlight

00:04:46 riding a huge, gigantic unicycle

00:04:51 perched atop his nose, exactly in the middle of a gigantic metal bar

00:04:57 with two huge iron balls on the end.

00:05:01 And he unicycles his way down,

00:05:04 he hop, hop, hop, hop, hop,

00:05:06 jumps into the ring and does a few hey, hop, hop, hop, hop,

00:05:09 hee-haw, hoo-haw, bully!

00:05:12 And he is in the ring ready to win

00:05:15 the Colossal Russell Memorial Battle Royale.

00:05:19 [applause]

00:05:22 Making their way to the ring, Grout!

00:05:27 [laughter]

00:05:29 So the first thing you hear is just the overwhelming noises of toilet flushing.

00:05:36 In fact, every toilet in this entire stadium is flushing exactly the same time.

00:05:42 It's very intense, it's a lot more emotional than some people will know.

00:05:46 And you hear the crunching of broken porcelain

00:05:51 and the sludgy slime of the juice that sometimes hangs around below urinals.

00:05:58 And, yeah.

00:06:01 And there is a giant toilet on wheels

00:06:05 that just gets wheeled down the ramp.

00:06:08 The pomp, the pageantry.

00:06:10 It can only be the slickest stage award.

00:06:14 Pipe down!

00:06:16 Hey!

00:06:18 And when the toilet gets to the ring, out crawls out a 650-pound wooden...

00:06:26 Oh!

00:06:27 Who is just wet.

00:06:31 [laughter]

00:06:32 And is wearing what used to be a white boiler suit.

00:06:40 But now is obviously covered in various stains.

00:06:44 And then I just slop in.

00:06:47 I don't even use my hands, I just wiggle up and then whale down.

00:06:53 Magnificent.

00:06:55 Clap?

00:06:56 [laughter]

00:06:59 How is anyone going to eliminate Grout?

00:07:02 Can't get near him for the stench.

00:07:04 Yeah.

00:07:06 Making his way to the stage, the Spider-Man!

00:07:12 The older fans in the audience will recognise this from their childhoods

00:07:15 as the Turkish knockoff Spider-Man.

00:07:19 Down to the ring, head to toe, in an actual Spider-Man outfit,

00:07:22 but it's with a Y, so don't sue Marvel.

00:07:26 A man up on the stage, holding a bit of rope,

00:07:29 waves to the kids and the older fans that recognise him,

00:07:32 got a bit of a paunch on him.

00:07:34 You may have dealt with reports later on,

00:07:36 this is actually the third incarnation of Spider-Man.

00:07:40 Pete, who took on the role after Dave died during the entrance.

00:07:45 [laughter]

00:07:46 And so he swings himself down while he's got cans of Silly String in his wrist,

00:07:53 and he's just spraying it into the audience like the web.

00:07:56 And he's swinging down and he lands into the ring,

00:07:58 and then he gets through both of them and he just goes...

00:08:01 sprays out the Silly String to all the kids in the audience.

00:08:04 And everyone loves him.

00:08:06 Spider-Man!

00:08:07 Lead-based Silly String.

00:08:09 [laughter]

00:08:11 [applause]

00:08:13 Yay, Spider-Man!

00:08:14 I recognise him!

00:08:16 Making his way to the ring,

00:08:18 Dragon Mask 4!

00:08:21 Dark!

00:08:23 So anime music starts to play immediately.

00:08:26 There's this opening credits to a 70s anime manga cartoon series on the screen,

00:08:32 and out of the mechanised spring from the floor jumps Dragon Mask 4 Dark.

00:08:39 And he's wearing a green and black mask,

00:08:43 which comes down into a dragon cape.

00:08:47 And this is the 70s Japanese cartoon series called Ultimate Ghost Mex.

00:08:53 And this is the ninth guy to play him,

00:08:57 but the most famous,

00:08:59 and this is actually the Dark Universe version of Dragon Mask 4.

00:09:04 It's Dragon Mask 4 Dark.

00:09:06 Often confused with Dragon Mask 4 Mech.

00:09:09 That's a different continuity one-shot series.

00:09:13 He runs down to the ring and he dives through the first and second rope,

00:09:19 just like that, and he does a flip,

00:09:21 and he just stands there.

00:09:23 [applause]

00:09:27 [laughter]

00:09:29 Someone cut him off!

00:09:36 Are we sure we haven't got the Mech?

00:09:39 Making his way to the ring,

00:09:41 the beast of the epiphany,

00:09:43 Pontisaurus Fex!

00:09:48 [humming]

00:09:58 Priests in burgundy robes begin to walk out onto the ramp.

00:10:04 The one in the front is swinging a censure.

00:10:06 Behind it, a sort of Popemobile-esque vehicle is being driven.

00:10:13 In the centre, in the sort of bulletproof box that seems more reinforced than usual,

00:10:18 stands an incredibly large creature that is wearing beautiful white papal robes

00:10:28 with gold filigree on them.

00:10:30 But his head is scaled and horrible.

00:10:34 His arms, tiny little limbs.

00:10:38 It's like he's 50% dinosaur, 50% the Pope, and 100% a wrestler.

00:10:44 They take it all the way down to the rim.

00:10:46 As he goes, the cardinals remove their hoods,

00:10:49 they're velociraptors, which spread out around the ring.

00:10:53 He starts to beat on the glass.

00:10:55 He starts to beat the glass.

00:10:56 He starts to thrash with his tail sticking out the back of his robes.

00:10:59 The glass shatters.

00:11:00 Everyone in the crowd goes, "Clever girl!"

00:11:03 He climbs into the ring, ready for the match.

00:11:06 We are going to roll 2d6 to see who is going to start with control.

00:11:14 All for me.

00:11:15 All eight.

00:11:16 Eight.

00:11:17 Eight.

00:11:18 Nine.

00:11:19 Seven.

00:11:20 Okay, so on the ding of the bell, Pontasaurus Vex starts in control of the match.

00:11:25 Ding, ding, ding!

00:11:26 Pontasaurus has seen somebody else wearing a face that looks a bit like a dinosaur

00:11:32 and goes straight in for a mauling, just running across the ring,

00:11:35 limbs failing, teeth gnashing.

00:11:37 It's just going to be carnage.

00:11:39 It's not a move, it is just attempting to rip you apart.

00:11:43 Okay, all these rolls are just contested 2d6 rolls,

00:11:46 so I assume it's Dragon Mask you're affecting.

00:11:48 Yes.

00:11:49 Five.

00:11:52 Seven.

00:11:53 I claim your soul in the name of our rodents!

00:12:01 He's going to attempt to pick you up in his mouth

00:12:05 and slam you down onto the canvas over and over again.

00:12:09 I've got seven.

00:12:11 I've got ten.

00:12:12 Oh, you're too powerful!

00:12:15 The College of Carnivores that are on the outside are just tapping their nails on the floor

00:12:20 along with the beat of me just mauling you.

00:12:22 Slam, slam, slam!

00:12:24 I now throw you into the corner out of the way and turn for the next victim.

00:12:29 I'm going to go after Kaj Mulligan.

00:12:31 So I'm going to run in for a...

00:12:35 I'm going to try and sweep you with the tail.

00:12:37 Okay.

00:12:38 You've got a tail?

00:12:39 Oh, that's a three.

00:12:40 Oh, that's an eleven.

00:12:41 Fex is big.

00:12:44 So Kaj, the tail whips around, the legs go straight down on the floor

00:12:52 and now just stamping.

00:12:54 That's another roll.

00:12:56 All right.

00:12:57 Oh, that's a ten.

00:12:58 Oh, nine.

00:12:59 Yeah!

00:13:00 I grab your tail and Super Mario style start swinging you around the ring

00:13:05 trying to hit every other wrestler in the battle royal.

00:13:08 That is...

00:13:09 Oh, that's a five.

00:13:10 Mine's a five.

00:13:11 Oh, again?

00:13:12 So, yeah, we'll say at this point you are still just swinging, swinging, swinging, swinging.

00:13:16 That's a ten.

00:13:18 I've got a ten.

00:13:19 Still swinging.

00:13:21 That is a ten?

00:13:23 Seven.

00:13:24 Yeah!

00:13:25 Okay, so I'm swinging you around and I try and hit you onto Dragon Mask.

00:13:30 Again?

00:13:31 That is a ten.

00:13:33 I've got a ten.

00:13:34 God damn it!

00:13:35 What?

00:13:36 So we'll say Dragon Mask manages to duck out of the way at this point.

00:13:38 All right, I'm going for the Spider-Man.

00:13:41 With a Y.

00:13:42 That is a six.

00:13:43 That's a critical success.

00:13:44 That's a critical success!

00:13:45 So actually what I do is I...

00:13:48 On a critical success you can go straight into elimination attempt.

00:13:50 Oh, cool, in which case I catch the Dragon Mask and it seems like just backdrop him over the ropes.

00:13:56 What the hell?

00:13:57 Can I use an interruption to get out of that one?

00:14:01 Yes, you can.

00:14:02 Using an interruption there.

00:14:03 And now you're in control.

00:14:04 One of your three interruptions spent.

00:14:06 Right.

00:14:07 I go over the top rope but I hang hold and I flip back over and launch myself across the ring towards Grout.

00:14:15 In just a head missile motion.

00:14:18 That is the power of Dark.

00:14:20 And I headbutt you into the corner.

00:14:23 I'm going to just absorb it with my massiveness.

00:14:26 Five.

00:14:27 Oh, critical fail!

00:14:29 What?

00:14:30 That is a potential elimination on a critical fail, I'm afraid.

00:14:34 Headbutt connects the body and then knocks you over that top rope.

00:14:36 You're going to have to spend an interrupt.

00:14:37 Yeah, I'm going to spend an interrupt to just do a cool splashback where I just grab onto the ropes and just hopefully flop onto you in a splash.

00:14:46 Amazing. So you spend your interrupt to gain control and roll for it.

00:14:49 Nine.

00:14:51 What do I do?

00:14:52 Just roll.

00:14:53 Oh, right, yeah.

00:14:54 Who contested rolls?

00:14:55 Ten.

00:14:56 Yay!

00:14:57 So the splashback comes back at me.

00:14:59 I jump really high up in the air, like ten feet high, and I come down and stomp on your back.

00:15:05 Trampoline.

00:15:08 Three.

00:15:09 It's a three!

00:15:10 That's a tie, so you're still in control.

00:15:14 It's a critical fail!

00:15:16 No, it's a critical fail!

00:15:18 Yeah, so tell us how you counted that into elimination.

00:15:21 So, hang on, what did you do? You just jumped on me.

00:15:23 You tried to jump on me.

00:15:24 Oh, yeah, but my body's just absorbed you.

00:15:27 You turd me.

00:15:28 You just absorbed you and it grabs onto you and my skin and muscles kind of wrap around your ankle.

00:15:36 And then while you're standing, I just roll and try and crinkle your body into a knotted mess.

00:15:42 So as it's a critical fail, you can turn this into an elimination attempt.

00:15:45 Oh, okay, cool.

00:15:46 As you're wrapped around me and you're wrapped around me like a new bower, I'm just going to slide you off and throw you over.

00:15:53 Obviously an interruption to stop that from happening.

00:15:55 I'm in control.

00:15:56 Again, skin the cat up round, launch it off to the other side of the ring.

00:16:01 And headbutt Rex.

00:16:03 Or Fex.

00:16:04 Fex.

00:16:05 Fex.

00:16:06 Oh, no!

00:16:08 It's another critical fail!

00:16:11 Fex, turn this into an elimination attempt.

00:16:15 As he's flying across the ring, I go...

00:16:18 And the frills on my cardinal's collar pop up and I spit green mist into his face.

00:16:24 And he misses the dive and goes almost straight out the other side of the ring over the top rope.

00:16:28 My last interruption to stop me from being eliminated.

00:16:35 I can't skin the cat again, but this time I only jump in.

00:16:39 Sit down, maybe?

00:16:41 Because this is Dragon Mask 4 Dark, of course not the mech version or the pure white version,

00:16:50 I run back over to Fex and I use my vomit.

00:16:55 It's not a mist, but it's a black vomit to counter the green mist.

00:17:00 Five.

00:17:04 We're just spitting each other now.

00:17:07 Eight.

00:17:09 Nine.

00:17:10 Unfortunately, the mist is too much for the vomit.

00:17:15 It's okay, you're still in the ring, you're still in the ring, man.

00:17:17 Still here.

00:17:18 Still in the ring.

00:17:19 I don't know how much longer, maybe.

00:17:21 Having misted him, I now go for my finishing manoeuvre, the mass extinction event.

00:17:25 I pull out a small cracker, I put it into his mouth, I do the sign of the cross,

00:17:30 and then I lift him up into a gigantic brain bluster.

00:17:33 Come on, critical success.

00:17:38 Seven.

00:17:39 Ten.

00:17:40 His head implodes.

00:17:45 Don't mind, you guys can also spend an interrupt to get him the action, or you can save it.

00:17:49 I'm just happy to see this.

00:17:51 One tiny arm, I pick him up and I just gotta swing him over the top rope.

00:17:56 Go for it.

00:17:57 Eight.

00:18:00 I'm out.

00:18:02 You're out, I'm sorry. Talk us through it.

00:18:05 It's an improbably strong, really small arm.

00:18:08 He just goes flying in, the raptors, the cardinals swarm,

00:18:13 and you just see the body disappear underneath these ropes.

00:18:16 And Dragon Musk 4 is eliminated.

00:18:20 Dragon Musk 4 duck.

00:18:23 You're still in control.

00:18:25 Vex turns back around, looking for the next person to maul.

00:18:28 Charges down the spider, just going straight for a headbutt to knock you down.

00:18:34 I don't know why.

00:18:35 Oh!

00:18:38 It's a critical fail!

00:18:40 Seven.

00:18:41 It is a full, it turns from a headbutt into a bite and a toss.

00:18:46 Yeah, okay, I'm gonna spend one of my interruptions to stop that.

00:18:49 And you're in control, Spider-Man.

00:18:51 Thank you.

00:18:52 It's all fun, guys.

00:18:54 I think it's a good use.

00:18:55 Scared of you, but I'll come back to it, I turn to the grout.

00:19:00 Grout, just grout.

00:19:02 Well, in my world, it's the grout.

00:19:04 Because older fans in the arena recognise this as the classic feud,

00:19:09 the comic book feud that has been booked many, many times over.

00:19:13 As the comic book superhero versus the comic book supervillain.

00:19:17 And I'm like, "Oh, grout, you're back once again!"

00:19:20 "Hey, Spider-Man!"

00:19:22 "Yeah, that's right, it is the Spider-Man with a Y!"

00:19:25 "It's time to take you to the cleaners!"

00:19:29 And I run to try and do a hurricanrana, a spider-can-rana, if you will, with a Y.

00:19:33 For a six.

00:19:35 Oh, shit.

00:19:36 Oh!

00:19:39 Lands it.

00:19:40 And then, so it sort of actually rolls you into the ropes,

00:19:43 so then I'm gonna go, "Oh!"

00:19:45 And run to get a big clothesline to try and take you over the top rope.

00:19:49 Oh, an elimination attempt.

00:19:51 It's an eight for me.

00:19:54 Well, obviously I'm gonna stop that and just use my shit.

00:19:58 (imitates a robot)

00:20:00 Mask and climb back over the rope, and I'm gonna do a shower bomb!

00:20:05 Oh, the shower bomb!

00:20:08 The shower bomb.

00:20:09 Oh, yeah.

00:20:11 That's alright.

00:20:12 Oh!

00:20:13 Critical fail!

00:20:15 And I did not.

00:20:16 So it's an eight for me.

00:20:17 I was gonna fall back as well.

00:20:18 Oh, it was a critical fail.

00:20:19 Yeah, I can't counter it and just throw you back over the rope again.

00:20:22 Well, I'm gonna interrupt that again.

00:20:26 And I'm gonna come back and--

00:20:28 Oh, God, I've run out of puns.

00:20:31 I'm just gonna try and get--

00:20:34 I'm just gonna swing myself back into the ring,

00:20:36 come around behind you, flip you over, and do a bathroom stone.

00:20:40 That's an eleven for me.

00:20:44 Eight!

00:20:45 No, nine for me, rather.

00:20:47 God damn it!

00:20:48 So, obviously, reverse out of that.

00:20:51 Crowd are going wild, and then I pull out my silly strings,

00:20:53 and I spray you in the face with them.

00:20:55 Yeah!

00:20:56 And then with one big final attempt,

00:20:59 the clothesline over the top rope for an elimination.

00:21:02 It's an eight.

00:21:04 Eight versus--

00:21:05 It's a critical success!

00:21:07 Oh, right, amazing.

00:21:09 Okie dokie, where then I come back into the ring,

00:21:12 and I grab you and spin you and go for my finisher,

00:21:15 which is the Tile Driver.

00:21:17 And you can also move that into elimination.

00:21:20 Just to get them down into the dry mouth.

00:21:22 You don't even need to roll.

00:21:23 On a crit success, you get a free elimination attempt.

00:21:25 Ok, so, put them down and then throw them.

00:21:27 Well, that's obviously--

00:21:28 Well, hang on, you might not--

00:21:31 You said I don't get to roll.

00:21:33 It's a critical success.

00:21:34 Yeah.

00:21:35 Ok, so I'm going to spin the thing to avoid that.

00:21:38 All the rules, bitch, all the rules.

00:21:41 I love the way you keep putting your pen away, like--

00:21:44 Won't need this again.

00:21:46 Gonna win the match from here.

00:21:50 I mean, I'm so focused on finishing up this rivalry.

00:21:53 I realise that my string--

00:21:56 Oh my god.

00:21:58 I'm going to try and do a drop kick this time

00:22:00 to get you over the top rope for elimination.

00:22:03 And it's a nine.

00:22:06 Four.

00:22:07 Drop kick, and you just sort of wobble, wobble, wobble,

00:22:11 you hit the ropes, and oh, the momentum!

00:22:13 Lift over the top rope, both feet touch the floor,

00:22:17 the crowd go, "Yeah, the Spider-Man has won once again,

00:22:20 has vanquished evil."

00:22:21 A clatty-- Oh, sorry, go, go for it.

00:22:24 I've got you in control.

00:22:25 Definitely no betrayal happening over here.

00:22:28 Bully!

00:22:30 Don't mind me, just getting in my presses.

00:22:34 Oh, well, now that I've seen you doing that,

00:22:36 I'm going to try and silly string you!

00:22:38 For a three!

00:22:41 That's a critical success!

00:22:46 I rip the silly string off me.

00:22:49 I take my barbells and I crunch them,

00:22:52 snap them in half over my knee,

00:22:54 smash you around the head with them,

00:22:56 and throw you over the top rope!

00:22:58 No, no, I'm going to spend another thingy point.

00:23:00 You can put it away after this.

00:23:02 Yeah, this is you done.

00:23:04 It'll make a return.

00:23:06 Sounds like you're back in control, right?

00:23:10 Yes, that's right.

00:23:11 Yeah, okay, so I'm going to go for another Spider-Conrana on you,

00:23:14 but this time I'm going to try and do loads of revolutions,

00:23:16 so that I can go, "Oh!"

00:23:18 At the same time, spraying silly string out into the crowd.

00:23:20 This is fantastic.

00:23:21 This is really, like, I'm really enjoying this,

00:23:23 because my vision's based on movement.

00:23:25 It's a six from me.

00:23:27 It's a five from me!

00:23:30 Spinning round and round and round.

00:23:31 Oh!

00:23:32 Silly string going everywhere!

00:23:34 Whoa!

00:23:35 And I, yeah, cartwheeling across the ring.

00:23:39 And then I'm going to turn my attention to you,

00:23:42 and try and dropkick you into the corner.

00:23:44 Critical success!

00:23:47 You can't touch Vex!

00:23:50 That's not going to go well for me, is it?

00:23:52 No.

00:23:53 I just do a move called the Baptism of Fiery Destruction,

00:23:59 which is just a, we're using my mouth, powerbomb.

00:24:03 And I just keep dunking you, dunking you, dunking you, dunking you,

00:24:09 and then go to throw you over the top, right?

00:24:11 That's me eliminated.

00:24:12 That is you eliminated.

00:24:13 The cardinals will eat world to know it.

00:24:16 I snap back to you.

00:24:18 Face the rapture.

00:24:20 Right.

00:24:22 It's the big huss battle.

00:24:23 Yeah, so I'm just going to, again, classic tactic.

00:24:27 I don't think, I actually don't think Vex has tactics.

00:24:29 It's just charging in and using his mouth.

00:24:31 I like it.

00:24:33 Ten.

00:24:35 Ten.

00:24:36 Six.

00:24:37 Yeah!

00:24:38 And you just start getting mauled.

00:24:39 At the end, I'm going to sort of ping in your arms and go for a big back over the head,

00:24:43 like, fisherman suplex type thing.

00:24:46 Eight.

00:24:48 Five.

00:24:50 I am going to interrupt, and I use my acrobatic prowess that I learned in the caravan world,

00:24:57 and I hoop onto the top rope.

00:25:00 I go, I do a bit of flexing.

00:25:01 Hi to the women.

00:25:03 And then I grab one of my barbells, and I reach it high in the air,

00:25:08 and I bring it down on top of you, hoping that it strikes you enough like a meteor and gives you PTSD.

00:25:13 So that I can make you extra vulnerable.

00:25:15 And that is a three.

00:25:18 That is a six.

00:25:20 Bully.

00:25:21 I just dodge out of the way as you land, whip the tail, whip you off your feet,

00:25:26 and then just go, bite the leg, squeeze really hard, and just go to sling you over the top rope.

00:25:31 Oh my god.

00:25:32 That's a six.

00:25:35 That's an eleven.

00:25:36 Oh shit.

00:25:37 Alright.

00:25:38 Flex is so much better than Tony.

00:25:40 Bloody hell.

00:25:42 Good one, your interruption is the best.

00:25:44 I know. I think I might win.

00:25:45 I fly out of the ring.

00:25:48 I land on my hands and just start doing handstands, and just walking around the ring,

00:25:55 and then I flip myself back onto the top rope, and I jump, and I'm going for the cannonball,

00:26:03 which is I crunch myself into a little ball and just try and squash you.

00:26:07 That is a six.

00:26:10 Nine.

00:26:11 God damn.

00:26:13 I catch you perfectly balled up in my mouth, and I start chewing.

00:26:19 Oh my god, I'm already chewing it.

00:26:22 Three.

00:26:23 That's an eleven.

00:26:24 I've been successfully chewed.

00:26:25 You can't beat Flex.

00:26:26 Spitting you out.

00:26:28 Got you.

00:26:29 Here we go.

00:26:30 It's an elimination attempt.

00:26:31 That's a nine.

00:26:34 Six.

00:26:35 Oh, okay.

00:26:36 So it's not quite a strong enough spit.

00:26:39 I land on the top rope.

00:26:41 I rebound like a catapult back towards you, still in ball form.

00:26:46 The human cannonballs.

00:26:48 And that is a nine.

00:26:50 Five.

00:26:51 Yes.

00:26:52 So I clatter against you, and I pick you up, and I press you above my head,

00:26:57 and I start doing squats, and then throw you over the top rope.

00:27:01 That's a nine.

00:27:04 Four.

00:27:05 So I'm going to use an interruption.

00:27:06 First life.

00:27:07 First one.

00:27:08 We can do the lifelines instead.

00:27:09 Dino pose.

00:27:10 As I'm flipped over the top rope, the cardinals swarm and gather beneath me,

00:27:15 and they hold me up in the air.

00:27:16 They walk me around the ring.

00:27:18 They throw me back in.

00:27:19 You whisper under your breath, "They do move in hands."

00:27:22 And I charge you down once more with the mouth.

00:27:25 The mouth.

00:27:27 Six.

00:27:28 That is a seven, I'm afraid.

00:27:31 So I don't have many puns left.

00:27:34 I grab you, and I go for my finisher, which is the gentleman's relish,

00:27:39 which is a punch with theatrics.

00:27:42 Old school.

00:27:43 So I wind up like Donkey Kong in Smash Brothers.

00:27:46 And then, when I start flashing, I press B, and bang!

00:27:51 I punch you over the top rope.

00:27:53 That is a six.

00:27:55 Six from me.

00:27:56 Here we go again.

00:27:57 That's a six.

00:27:59 That is a nine.

00:28:00 [Groans]

00:28:02 I dodge the punch using sort of weird tiny arm tai chi.

00:28:07 Just use your own momentum to drag you, and you flip yourself over the top rope.

00:28:12 Nice. Alright.

00:28:13 That's a three.

00:28:15 Mine's a three.

00:28:16 [Groans]

00:28:18 That's a nine.

00:28:19 Mine's an eight.

00:28:20 [Groans]

00:28:21 Hey!

00:28:22 So I grab onto the top rope, and I am directly upside down in a perfect swimmer formation.

00:28:29 And I fall backwards, grab you around the neck with my massive, massive thighs,

00:28:36 and I try and Charlotte Flair you out of the ring.

00:28:40 It's perfectly plausible.

00:28:43 Eight.

00:28:45 Seven.

00:28:46 So, that's me?

00:28:47 Yeah.

00:28:48 As I go over, I'm spending an interruption.

00:28:50 As I go over, the tail lands on the floor first.

00:28:54 I let you let go, thinking you've knocked me out, and I begin to pogo around the ring on--

00:28:59 Pope go.

00:29:00 I begin to pogo around the ring on my tail, climbing back in.

00:29:03 I rip the hat off.

00:29:05 I've been wearing the full paper-- I'm pissed now.

00:29:08 I rip the hat off, chuck it down, and begin to bear down, and you're trying to force you back into the corner.

00:29:14 Okay.

00:29:16 I've got a seven.

00:29:19 Eight.

00:29:20 Okay.

00:29:21 So, getting you in the corner, I'm going to push you up onto the top rope.

00:29:24 I'm going to climb up after you, and I'm going for a superplex.

00:29:28 Okay.

00:29:29 Don't have a name for it, just want to do one.

00:29:32 It's a critical fail.

00:29:33 It's a three.

00:29:34 Well, that beats Snake Eyes.

00:29:36 Is there reverse effects to that?

00:29:39 It's an automatic fail.

00:29:41 So, no matter what's happening, you go over the rope, you still have an interrupt left.

00:29:44 I guess I bounce.

00:29:46 I just do-- Can I just change it to doing it to the outside, then?

00:29:50 I'm just going to tip you off the top, see where you go.

00:29:53 I-- Okay.

00:29:55 My final lifeline gone.

00:29:58 I land with the tips of my moustache on the floor, and it's the most muscular moustache in the business.

00:30:07 It walks me around the ring, and it flips me back into the ring.

00:30:11 And I pick you up, and I try and go once more for the gentleman's relish.

00:30:16 Press going to the floor once too often.

00:30:21 Seven.

00:30:22 Ten.

00:30:23 I counter that, and as you fly in, I actually just have already pulled out the blessed cracker.

00:30:31 In your mouth it goes.

00:30:33 Oh, no!

00:30:34 And then straight up into the mass extinction event and the brain buster.

00:30:38 Six.

00:30:42 That is an eight.

00:30:44 I counter the brain buster by clattering one of my very masculine thighs down right across your dome.

00:30:52 And I try and-- I'm running on fumes at this point.

00:30:55 Just literally just try and-- over the top rope.

00:30:59 That is a seven.

00:31:02 Mine's a four.

00:31:03 Last lifeline.

00:31:06 Oh, I'm so excited.

00:31:08 So as I go over the top rope, I land on the apron, and I drag you over with me.

00:31:15 So we're both on the apron.

00:31:17 I just go for the cheeky tail sweep in an attempt to knock you to the apron and have you roll off.

00:31:25 Oh, this is it!

00:31:26 That's a five.

00:31:28 Eight.

00:31:29 This is so intense.

00:31:32 And then you roll off.

00:31:34 Ding, ding, ding!

00:31:36 Your winner, the beast of the epiphany, Pontissoros Fex!

00:31:43 Life finds a way.

00:31:46 And as the ring is now empty except for Pontissoros Fex,

00:31:51 the life-size statue of Colossal Russell is lowered into the centre of the ring for you to claim as your prize.

00:31:58 Oh, amazing. I bite it in an attempt to see if it's chocolate or meat, I guess.

00:32:03 Roll.

00:32:05 That's an eight.

00:32:07 It's not chocolate, it's metal.

00:32:09 Ah, cool.

00:32:10 Well, I get loaded up into the pokemobile and off we go,

00:32:14 taking the carcasses of him and him and a few other people.

00:32:19 So you're on the College of Carnivores?

00:32:22 The College of Carnivores, yeah.

00:32:23 So they load the statue into the pokemobile for you and drive it up the ramp and out of the ring.

00:32:27 That is exactly what I wanted that to be.

00:32:30 That was a stupid start.

00:32:34 It is now time for the City British Wrestling Tag Team Championship match.

00:32:38 Yes.

00:32:39 Let's see if metal is thicker than blood.

00:32:42 Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:32:49 I agree with Joe.

00:32:50 Thank you, I've already sat down.

00:32:51 Joe, you and I have been working for this for a long time.

00:32:57 Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:33:04 Ding, ding, ding, your winners.

00:33:06 The Precious Metals, Silver Bro and Golden Joe.

00:33:12 Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:33:14 I thought you like, it was a little bit in the way you looked and just behaved that it felt like you were jealous of me.

00:33:22 What?

00:33:23 I love my brother more than anything. He's helped me out thick and thin.

00:33:26 Consume the contents of these bowls and you will be able to face your demons.

00:33:38 I wasn't involved in this, I was wrestling sand.

00:33:46 You saved me.

00:33:47 You saved me, the sand tried to kill me.

00:33:53 You tried to get me too, man.

00:33:55 But you fought it off.

00:33:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:57 Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:34:05 I'm just going to go over the top rope and not really thinking. I'm going to go over the top rope and jump down.

00:34:10 I'm going to try and take care of the rest.

00:34:13 You were so close to winning the match.

00:34:15 I was so close.

00:34:16 Yeah, exactly.

00:34:17 Your special guest, referee.

00:34:22 But just a little bit of advice, you looked a bit conflicted there. Can't come second all your life.

00:34:27 I know he's-

00:34:28 Great advice.

00:34:29 It's just such great advice.

00:34:30 And I think the most effective way to remind you is with a childhood photo montage.

00:34:41 Thanks for saying to me that you're a loser.

00:34:43 Yeah, but that's, you know, it's fine.

00:34:45 Marco, you sort of made me think you are kind of a bit of a loser.

00:34:50 Making my name feel a bit of a second placer as well just by saying it.

00:34:55 We are.

00:34:56 Yeah.

00:34:57 Yeah, we are.

00:34:58 We are.

00:34:59 We are.

00:35:00 Yeah.

00:35:01 We are.

00:35:02 We are.

00:35:03 We are.

00:35:04 We are.

00:35:05 We are.

00:35:06 We are.

00:35:07 We are.

00:35:08 We are.

00:35:09 The following contest is scheduled for one, four.

00:35:14 One, four.

00:35:16 The winners of this match will claim the City British Wrestling Tag Team Championship.

00:35:23 Making their way to the ring from a building site in London, the Constructibombs.

00:35:31 Boo.

00:35:34 Boo.

00:35:35 Boo.

00:35:36 Boo.

00:35:37 Boo.

00:35:38 You hear a loud beep, beep, beep, beep of heavy machinery as a large churning cement mixer starts to trundle down the ramp.

00:35:47 Hanging on either side with one hand are the work boot, welding glove, high-vis jacketed bodies of the Constructibombs.

00:35:55 These two rock solid, low centre of gravity, un-knock-downable tag team champions.

00:36:01 As they make their way to the bottom of the ramp and jump off the side of the truck, you see in the centre of the ring lies a huge granite cube about ten feet by ten feet.

00:36:11 The Bombs climb up the steps, hop over the ropes and just start pounding this lump of granite with their bare fists.

00:36:18 About two minutes pass and by the time they're finished and nothing but rubble and granite dust lies by their feet, they have pounded the shape of a giant championship belt in the middle of the ring.

00:36:29 They both pick it up together and wrap it around their joint waists, take in the atmosphere around them, drop the belt and start stamping it into powder with their bare feet.

00:36:40 Boo.

00:36:42 Disrespect.

00:36:43 They kick the little last extra bits of dust out of the ring, fold their arms and look up the ramp waiting for their undeserving challenges.

00:36:52 Nothing undeserving about metal.

00:36:54 I'm so excited.

00:36:56 There's another t-shirt.

00:36:58 There's an undeserving about metal.

00:37:00 Making their way to the ring from little glittering Reading, the Precious Metals.

00:37:10 So rather than Joe's usual entrance, the smoke's still there, the lasers are there, but it's not the stock footage of Joe helping out people in the community and in business and in sports.

00:37:22 It's that photo montage.

00:37:24 It's the lovely photo montage.

00:37:26 And it goes through their life of when they were kids, when Silver Bro held Golden Joe for the first time, when they would wrestle in the backyard trampoline outfit at school, when they finally got into CBW, showing how they've progressed through the years, how they've fought and sweat together.

00:37:47 Because they're going to become the CBW Tag Team Champions.

00:37:51 Here we are, bro.

00:37:52 Yes, we are, bro.

00:37:54 Pose as we walk down the ramps.

00:37:57 And we say our names in unison of...

00:38:00 Bro!

00:38:01 Joe!

00:38:02 Joe!

00:38:03 Bro!

00:38:04 Bro!

00:38:05 Joe!

00:38:06 Joe!

00:38:08 I'm going to pause you there.

00:38:09 I'm going to take one of your hands.

00:38:13 Bro!

00:38:15 Bro!

00:38:16 No!

00:38:17 Joe!

00:38:18 Joe!

00:38:19 Joe!

00:38:21 Bro!

00:38:22 And then we're in the ring and we're both on opposite turnbuckles and we're doing the

00:38:26 "Joe" and then "Bro".

00:38:28 Joe.

00:38:29 Bro.

00:38:30 Joe.

00:38:31 Bro.

00:38:32 Joe.

00:38:33 Bro!

00:38:34 Joe.

00:38:35 Bro.

00:38:36 Joe.

00:38:37 Bro.

00:38:38 Joe.

00:38:39 Bro.

00:38:40 Joe.

00:38:41 Bro.

00:38:42 Joe.

00:38:43 We've got time for promos?

00:38:45 Just before the bell strikes, no promo this time.

00:38:49 But I would like to see just a moment between the two of you, no mics, no audience, just

00:38:53 this last personal moment between Bro and Joe before the bell dings and the match starts.

00:38:57 It's time, Bro.

00:38:58 It's always been our time.

00:38:59 The only thing that's blowing up today is their title reign.

00:39:00 And we're going to be golden together.

00:39:01 Yeah, you don't have to be silver for much longer, but we made all those t-shirts, so

00:39:13 we will keep you as silver, Bro.

00:39:15 I think that's a smart move.

00:39:16 But you will have a mounting moon for gold round your waist.

00:39:19 Let's tag team gold.

00:39:20 Let's kick some ass.

00:39:21 Let's kick some pricks.

00:39:22 Ding, ding, ding, ding.

00:39:23 Okay, quick open question.

00:39:24 Who's starting as the legal wrestler?

00:39:25 I'm starting.

00:39:26 Okay.

00:39:27 Gerda is the legal wrestler for the Constructor Bumps.

00:39:39 You know Gerda.

00:39:40 She's the big heavy one.

00:39:41 Oh, yeah.

00:39:42 That one.

00:39:43 Well, I'm looking at her.

00:39:45 I'm going to amp up the crowd a bit first.

00:39:47 You know, this is a big tag team championship match.

00:39:51 Me and my bro, he's going to be on the apron.

00:39:53 I'm just going to be in the ring.

00:39:54 I'm going to keep ramping up the crowd.

00:39:56 Roll and look.

00:39:58 That is only five.

00:39:59 I can...

00:40:00 You haven't saved me yet.

00:40:01 It's my first thing immediately.

00:40:02 I got you.

00:40:03 There is, weirdly and really, I guess, disappointingly, there is something about this wholesome dynamic

00:40:16 between the two of you that the crowd are just not quite picking up on.

00:40:21 It's all right, mate.

00:40:23 It's okay.

00:40:24 We'll win them over.

00:40:25 And Gerald's going to win those tag belts.

00:40:26 It's all right.

00:40:27 You got this.

00:40:28 Make a quick work roll for me now.

00:40:32 That's minus one.

00:40:33 Oh, my God.

00:40:34 A critical fail.

00:40:35 So, as you are standing there, trying to amp up the crowd and getting a much more muted

00:40:41 response than you expected, you feel a heavy metallic hand grab you on the back of the

00:40:47 neck and pull you off the ropes.

00:40:49 Boom, onto the mat.

00:40:51 You look up and see the snarling face of Gerda.

00:40:53 She opens her mouth and the sound of a pneumatic drill just burrows out from behind her throat

00:40:58 and she starts stamping on you.

00:41:00 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:41:03 I'm going to try and grab her foot with my strength and I'm going to use the rope to

00:41:10 push her up and over.

00:41:12 Okay, roll on power.

00:41:14 That's minus one.

00:41:15 Hey, that's a nine.

00:41:16 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:41:17 Amazing.

00:41:18 Somehow, you manage to muster enough physical strength to push this heavy booted foot, this

00:41:25 thickly muscled leg up off your chest, up into the air and you see the body of Gerda

00:41:30 start to bend and buckle and fall over the rope slightly.

00:41:34 I'm going to kip up and I'm going to use that momentum of the kip up to do a twirling forearm

00:41:39 into her face.

00:41:40 Go for it.

00:41:41 That's going to be, twirling forearm.

00:41:43 That's pretty flashy.

00:41:44 Look.

00:41:45 If you can give it a name.

00:41:48 It's the Joe Arm.

00:41:50 It's the four Joe.

00:41:54 The four Joe.

00:41:55 The four Joe, it's the twirling four Joe.

00:41:58 Maybe just add one look for this.

00:42:00 It's the golden Joe.

00:42:01 The L Joe.

00:42:02 It's the golden Joe.

00:42:03 Add one look for this.

00:42:04 That's a weak pun.

00:42:05 That's it.

00:42:06 That's ten.

00:42:07 That's ten.

00:42:08 Boom.

00:42:09 And yeah, with that arm, what's it called again?

00:42:10 The four Joe.

00:42:11 Yeah, the four Joe.

00:42:12 With your signature four Joe, which the crowd also don't seem to quite recognise.

00:42:13 What's up with this crowd?

00:42:14 And bam, off the rope, onto the mat.

00:42:15 So now they're down, I'm going to use this to, because, I mean, we're in the match and

00:42:29 we need to win the match, but the crowd weren't, you know, I assume they were still recovering

00:42:37 from the emotion of that entrance because we spent a lot of time on that.

00:42:40 Mainly my idea.

00:42:42 And I'm going to get up to the turnbuckle where Bro is, and I'm going to start getting

00:42:47 a Joe chant going.

00:42:49 Roll on look.

00:42:50 They're back in with me, it's ten.

00:42:51 Joe.

00:42:52 Joe.

00:42:53 Joe.

00:42:54 Joe.

00:42:55 Joe.

00:42:56 Joe.

00:42:57 Joe.

00:42:58 Joe.

00:42:59 So I'm hearing this, and I start pointing at Bro, and everyone starts chanting for Bro.

00:43:03 Yeah?

00:43:04 We're going to end up on a tag.

00:43:05 Let's see, roll on look.

00:43:08 You can, for this, yeah, you're out, so legally you can roll on his look.

00:43:12 Yeah, it's fine.

00:43:13 Oh, it's not eleven, it's thirteen.

00:43:15 Bro.

00:43:16 Bro.

00:43:17 Bro.

00:43:18 Bro.

00:43:19 Bro.

00:43:20 Bro.

00:43:21 Yeah.

00:43:22 As Bro gets tagged in, Gerda tags in Pylon.

00:43:24 Pylon makes her way into the ring, cracks her stony metallic knuckles, and makes eyes

00:43:29 with you.

00:43:30 Not having it.

00:43:31 Headlock.

00:43:32 Oh, the headlock.

00:43:33 Wrenching it in, really wrenching that headlock in.

00:43:38 Okay, roll on power.

00:43:39 It's six.

00:43:40 You get that arm around her neck, but she, with sheer force of her own power, pulls your

00:43:50 arm off her neck, stretches it out, wraps it around your neck, so now your arm, your

00:43:56 neck is wrapped in your own arm.

00:43:57 And she just starts squeezing.

00:44:00 Roll on power for this.

00:44:01 That'll be ten.

00:44:03 Yeah, you can count her out of this.

00:44:05 I would just, I'm just gonna, she's around me, so I'm just gonna sort of like snap mirror

00:44:09 her over.

00:44:10 Ooh, ooh, flashy.

00:44:11 Thank you.

00:44:12 And when she's all like in a sitting position, I'm just gonna kick her as hard as I can in

00:44:16 the spine.

00:44:17 Roll on reel for that.

00:44:18 Oh, smeg.

00:44:19 That's minus two.

00:44:20 I know, mate.

00:44:21 I realise that now.

00:44:22 When does he get that reaction for kicking her in the spine?

00:44:23 When I try and punch a woman in the back.

00:44:24 It's not good, mate.

00:44:25 It's hard to watch.

00:44:26 Yeah, your big boot connects with her spine and the leather in your shoe splits as it

00:44:38 just can't seem to get through how heavy and dense these bones are.

00:44:42 Oh, which one is it?

00:44:44 It's Pylon.

00:44:45 Pylon grabs you by the ankle, stands up straight, lifts you up and is now hanging you upside

00:44:51 down by the ankle.

00:44:52 An upside down version of a position you're quite familiar with.

00:44:55 He just starts pounding you.

00:44:57 Boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:45:00 Hammering down blows on your stomach.

00:45:02 I want to try and catch one of them and just squeeze it really hard so it makes it go like

00:45:07 "ahhh".

00:45:08 Sure, you can roll on parallel.

00:45:09 So essentially, I'm wondering whether to just drop me.

00:45:10 Oh, it's good, it's twelve.

00:45:11 Yes, bro.

00:45:12 You catch that fist, you start squeezing.

00:45:19 You see Pylon's face contort, her teeth grind and she drops you, lets go of your ankle and

00:45:28 drops you onto the mat.

00:45:29 I stand back up, I point upwards at the sky to make her look up and then lock in the headlock.

00:45:33 Locking in, bro.

00:45:34 We're going to have you roll on look to try and distract her.

00:45:38 Here's look.

00:45:39 Oh, it's good, it's thirteen.

00:45:41 She looks up.

00:45:43 You're welcome.

00:45:44 Headlock.

00:45:45 You're welcome.

00:45:50 You're welcome.

00:45:57 You whip, you go in for the shoulder and once again, boom, it just cannot knock these immovable

00:46:03 objects off their feet.

00:46:04 Can I yell some encouragement at this point?

00:46:07 Stop being so flashy.

00:46:08 In which case, I've got a plan now.

00:46:09 I'm going to walk over and try and tag you in.

00:46:14 Do I have to roll for this?

00:46:17 Yes, you absolutely do.

00:46:18 Let's have you roll on your heat with Joe for this.

00:46:20 Plus three.

00:46:21 That'll be nine.

00:46:22 Cool.

00:46:23 So tag in.

00:46:24 So here's my plan.

00:46:25 I'll whip her against the rope and we'll do a double shoulder block.

00:46:31 Nice.

00:46:32 Alright.

00:46:33 There's too many moving parts.

00:46:34 Ten.

00:46:35 Twelve.

00:46:36 Oh, yeah.

00:46:37 Amazing.

00:46:39 What do you call the double shoulder block?

00:46:43 Brothers in arms.

00:46:44 Yes.

00:46:45 Yes.

00:46:46 And we get the crowd to be like, "Oh!"

00:46:50 And she rips in.

00:46:53 Boom!

00:46:54 And Pylon is knocked to the mat.

00:46:57 This is wrestling.

00:46:59 Pylon starts to crawl away across to the other corner to try and tag out.

00:47:04 She's yours, man.

00:47:05 I'm going to hop over her and give a four-Joe, which is my move, remember?

00:47:12 Yeah, I remember.

00:47:13 To Gerda on the apron.

00:47:14 Go for it.

00:47:15 Stop that tag now, man.

00:47:16 It's a seven.

00:47:18 Yeah.

00:47:19 Boom!

00:47:20 You connect straight with Gerda's jaw, stumbles off the corner, down outside of the mat, and

00:47:25 Pylon's hand just whiffs past before they can tag anything.

00:47:28 And I'm going to hop up onto the second rope and do a sort of jump round splash onto Pylon.

00:47:33 That's pretty...

00:47:35 What am I rolling on?

00:47:38 I've done the maths and it doesn't matter.

00:47:41 Can anything help you?

00:47:43 Three.

00:47:44 As you leap in for that splash, Pylon gets to her feet and catches you mid-air, moves

00:47:54 her hands across your body to try and pull you into a sort of straight, rigid line, I

00:48:00 guess, into a gold bar.

00:48:02 Into a rigid gold bar and brings you down, boom, against her knee for a Tilt-A-Whirl

00:48:09 shoulder breaker.

00:48:10 Oh, the shoulder just used.

00:48:13 What a dick.

00:48:14 Well, I'm just going to...

00:48:16 Because what I need now, it's also about creating the best match experience for the fans, isn't

00:48:21 it?

00:48:22 So I'm going to be beaten up for a bit.

00:48:25 So while you're milking that, Pylon puts her boot down on your shoulder, starts grinding

00:48:32 it with all of her strength, and as she does it, turns her head to make eye contact with

00:48:37 Bro and just looks at you in the eyes as she grinds her boot into your brother's shoulder.

00:48:43 The same shoulder that brought you so close together just moments ago.

00:48:46 It will, it is.

00:48:47 You constructive prick.

00:48:49 Is it Pylon?

00:48:51 Yes, this one is Pylon.

00:48:54 Oh, I'm dumb.

00:48:56 Nice.

00:48:57 Roll up your own look.

00:48:59 Oh, it's nine.

00:49:03 She goes...

00:49:06 Tagbots are coming home to our family.

00:49:11 And off the back of that burn she brings a heavy fist down, boom, into Joe's jaw.

00:49:17 His beautiful jaw.

00:49:18 My golden jaw.

00:49:21 I stand up after that.

00:49:24 That's a money maker that she's hit right there.

00:49:27 And it hurt.

00:49:28 So I'm going to sort of hulk up a bit, gold up and I'm going to hit the golden shower.

00:49:35 The golden shower is a power roll, but go for it.

00:49:38 That's a zero on power.

00:49:39 It's a seven.

00:49:42 So Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:49:48 And on the ten.

00:49:50 On the ropes, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

00:49:56 She's down on the ground and I'm going to, I think, is it Gerda who was on the outside?

00:50:01 Gerda's on the outside, yeah.

00:50:02 She's back up now, so four Joe onto her.

00:50:05 Grow on power.

00:50:06 Just because it's kind of like a hot tag run, that's eight.

00:50:09 Yeah, once again, just as she got back onto the back of the ring again, you knock her back off the corner.

00:50:14 Pylon is still on the ground now.

00:50:16 Clearly, there's sort of ten separate dents in her body from all those points where the golden shower is connected.

00:50:23 Starts to get to her feet.

00:50:24 And I'm going to see her and I'm going to go for the full golden, which is the full Nelson submission lock.

00:50:32 The move that saved me.

00:50:33 Yes, the move that saved my bro.

00:50:36 OK, cool.

00:50:38 Go for it, Rob.

00:50:39 Roll on six.

00:50:44 What can I look?

00:50:46 My silver bro heat, surely.

00:50:48 So two things are going to happen here.

00:50:49 First, you can add your silver bro heat.

00:50:51 So nine.

00:50:52 Yeah, you lock in the full golden.

00:50:54 You have got a solid, firm grip on Pylon here.

00:50:57 She cannot get free.

00:50:58 However, you look, the referee is focused entirely at this point in time on your amazing execution of the full golden.

00:51:05 What he doesn't notice, but what you pick up on is, while you are presumably euphoric, I guess.

00:51:11 Yeah, cheering him on.

00:51:13 Coming up behind you, the one, oh, god damn it, Gerda.

00:51:17 Gerda comes up behind you.

00:51:19 God damn it.

00:51:20 As your eyes are locked on your brother and you're filling with pride.

00:51:23 Yes, mate.

00:51:24 Two heavy hands just bring themselves around the side of your skull and pull you off the side of the ropes,

00:51:29 pull you down to the mat and then just start squeezing your skull.

00:51:33 Ow.

00:51:34 Can I power out of it?

00:51:36 You can try.

00:51:37 Yeah.

00:51:38 I can.

00:51:40 It's 12, not natural.

00:51:42 Yeah, you manage to, it's a dirty 12.

00:51:45 Yes.

00:51:46 Dirty 12.

00:51:48 You manage to briefly pull Pylon's hands up here and the moment the two of you are locked in combat,

00:51:54 you are seeing this at the moment as you go for the full gold, you're seeing, yeah,

00:51:57 the referee is not taking his eyes off you, not taking off this really excellent piece of professional wrestling.

00:52:02 I've got it. Tap her out.

00:52:04 I'm seeing what's happening to bro and I'm looking at my own full golden hold

00:52:11 and it's sort of making me deal with some memories I thought I had pushed down

00:52:17 and my grip starts to loosen and I'm distracted.

00:52:21 I don't know what's going to happen, which I imagine leaves an opening for Pylon.

00:52:27 It does leave an opening for Pylon.

00:52:29 I'm going to need you to roll work for this.

00:52:34 This is, it's five.

00:52:37 Yeah, as you lose control over the full golden, your grip starts to shake,

00:52:42 these memories flood back into your brain.

00:52:45 You just lose focus for a second, which is all it takes for Pylon to get her big,

00:52:53 strong arms around your body, lift you up, turn you upside down and get you ready for a,

00:52:59 there's not even a pun on this one, a pile driver.

00:53:04 The moment you're still locked in combat with.

00:53:06 So what I'd like to do is I'd like to move my head forwards because she's still trying to push

00:53:10 so that she sort of smacks her own fist together and makes us go, "Ah, that's my intent.

00:53:14 That's what I want to do."

00:53:15 Dynamic up, then.

00:53:17 I guess that's kind of tricky. That's a work roll.

00:53:21 Yeah.

00:53:23 That is six.

00:53:25 Including your modifier?

00:53:27 Yes, I'm afraid so.

00:53:29 Unfortunately, you bungle it and those two fists connect together.

00:53:32 Boom, on the side of your head.

00:53:34 There's a crack and a little bit of blood starts to trickle out of your ear.

00:53:38 You see this upside down as you were brought up for the pile driver.

00:53:42 I'm going to have you roll on. Are you going to try and get out of this?

00:53:45 I'm going to try and get out of it, yeah.

00:53:46 This is going to be a work roll to counter a pile driver.

00:53:49 I'm going to try and bring my left heel back so it kicks her in the head.

00:53:53 That's an eight.

00:53:55 Well, on a work, seven still.

00:53:57 Yeah, that's still a success.

00:53:59 Yes, you pull out just in time.

00:54:01 Managed to connect with the back of your head with your foot.

00:54:03 I get myself upright off that.

00:54:05 I go for the full golden again, get it properly locked in this time.

00:54:08 Lock it in, bro.

00:54:09 And we hit, debuting the first time, the golden plex.

00:54:13 Which is a full Nelson, sorry, I get the snap dragon.

00:54:17 Amazing. You can roll and look for that.

00:54:20 It's ten.

00:54:22 Yeah!

00:54:24 Talk us through how the golden plex looks.

00:54:26 I've got her in the full golden, which is a full Nelson, and I just suplex her back.

00:54:31 So she lands really badly on her neck.

00:54:34 I look at bro, and are you still--

00:54:37 I've got this, but my eyes are telling you, keep going.

00:54:41 I look at you, I look at the possible pinning combination,

00:54:45 because I know how devastating that move is, first time I've hit it.

00:54:50 But I run over to you, I dive through the ropes, and I try and save bro.

00:54:56 Okay, so as you guys are locking eye contact at that point in time,

00:55:01 that does leave you vulnerable to more work from Gerda.

00:55:05 So I'm going to need you to roll on work for this.

00:55:09 Ooh, it's good, it's 12, deadly 12.

00:55:12 Amazing. Gerda tries to get your arm and twist your arm behind you

00:55:17 and starts trying to roll you up into a ball.

00:55:20 But you're able to manoeuvre your way out of it

00:55:23 in a dazzling display of technical wrestling.

00:55:25 And almost set her up so that when Joe does his dive out to the rink,

00:55:30 he can wipe her out. It was almost like we timed it.

00:55:34 Okay, you can roll on your heat for this.

00:55:36 But the way you positioned her means she slightly moves across,

00:55:41 and I land--instead of my head, which I'm going for,

00:55:44 it's all on the injured shoulder.

00:55:46 So with heat, that's 10.

00:55:51 With your heat for bro.

00:55:56 But what you're trying to do is just execute another shoulder dive, right?

00:56:01 Is that what you're going for?

00:56:02 Yes. Well, I was going for a dive, but because bro pushed her

00:56:05 not where I was aiming for, I land on my shoulder.

00:56:09 It's a shoulder one, but the shoulder's injured.

00:56:11 That's probably going to be a power roll for that, for a shoulder dive.

00:56:16 Oh, snake eyes.

00:56:18 Critical fail.

00:56:20 Oh my God. Re-roll it.

00:56:23 I can use my re-roll.

00:56:25 You can?

00:56:26 For you to re-roll it.

00:56:27 Yeah?

00:56:28 Yeah.

00:56:29 Do you want to see what happens with a fail?

00:56:32 It's a nine.

00:56:33 Yes!

00:56:35 So you leap from the ring.

00:56:37 Your shoulder connects with Gerda.

00:56:42 Your shoulder connects with Gerda.

00:56:44 You feel this wincing blast of pain in your shoulder.

00:56:46 You think you are going to black out with the agony.

00:56:48 It is so severe.

00:56:50 But you look at your brother in the eye.

00:56:53 You feel that brotherly pride and strength course through you.

00:56:58 You push through the pain, and in this half-second moment

00:57:03 between this sharp blast of agony and this moment of

00:57:07 really summoning all the strength you can,

00:57:10 you manage to knock Gerda to the floor,

00:57:12 freeing your brother from Gerda's grasp.

00:57:14 The two of you now on the outside of the rope.

00:57:16 Gerda is on the floor outside, and Pylon is lying on the mat inside the ring.

00:57:21 You okay?

00:57:22 I'm going to be okay. The shoulder's busted, though.

00:57:24 Tag me in.

00:57:25 Get back in. I tag with the other arm, of course.

00:57:28 I tag bro in.

00:57:30 Yeah, so I'm going to get up onto the second rope.

00:57:33 The crowd know what's coming. They're already chanting,

00:57:35 "Datson, Datson, Datson."

00:57:38 And I jump off the second rope to do the double axe handle,

00:57:40 the Datson axe handle, onto Pylon.

00:57:46 Yes, yes, onto Pylon, yeah!

00:57:48 Power?

00:57:49 Power for the double axe handle, yeah.

00:57:51 That'll be an eight, no, sorry, ten.

00:57:54 Yeah, boom! It connects beautifully.

00:57:56 You hear something for the first time since you've started wrestling this tag team.

00:58:01 You hear something crack and break inside Pylon's body.

00:58:04 I feel a weakness is here, so it's time to signal the end.

00:58:07 Sorry, I just flicked my hair into my eye.

00:58:09 So I just signal for the end and set him up for the silver spooner.

00:58:12 Hook the arm over, lift a hive into the air,

00:58:15 start to flex points at my brother,

00:58:17 because I'm using a good shoulder, and I'm showing him,

00:58:19 "Man, this is for you. This is for you."

00:58:21 And I attempt to do the silver spooner.

00:58:25 It's your finisher, right?

00:58:27 My finisher, yeah. So it's just natural, right?

00:58:29 That's just a straight 2D6 on the silver spooner.

00:58:31 It's a five! It's a five! It's a five!

00:58:34 I don't have any re-rolls. What are my re-rolls again?

00:58:37 You gave it to your brother.

00:58:38 I did give it to my brother!

00:58:40 You gave it to your brother.

00:58:41 I did give it to my brother.

00:58:42 As you lift him up over your shoulder, ready for the silver spooner,

00:58:45 Pylon's eyes just snap back open again.

00:58:48 She, just by focusing on how much she weighs,

00:58:54 just forces all that density and mass to make you drop to your knees and drop to the mat.

00:58:58 She rolls out of your hands, backs up against the turnbuckle,

00:59:03 curls into a ball and goes for one of the Constructor Bomb's signature moves,

00:59:08 the Wrecking Ball, and just barrels towards you like a boulder across the ring.

00:59:14 We're going to have you roll on work to avoid this.

00:59:18 That'll be 12. Dirty 12.

00:59:21 Amazing. You zip out of the way just in time.

00:59:24 Actually, I'm going to run away like Indiana Jones.

00:59:27 Then I'm going to jump up onto the throw probe and do a Daniel Bryan flip over her

00:59:32 so she collapses into the corner.

00:59:34 Amazing. Go for it. That's going to be your roll on work for that kind of acrobatics.

00:59:37 I thought I already had.

00:59:39 It's a seven. Actually, an eight.

00:59:42 That's enough. You jump onto the boulder itself, you do an amazing flip,

00:59:47 and the full momentum and velocity of Pylon collides with the turnbuckle

00:59:52 and the ball unfolds and she's once again lying on her back on the mat.

00:59:58 In which case I'm going to try and do a Cannonball in the corner onto her.

01:00:02 As this is happening, outside the ring, I'm going to need you to roll on power for me.

01:00:06 Uh-oh. Six.

01:00:10 Where is your attention focused at this point in time?

01:00:14 I'm watching my broad, but I'm mainly concerned about my shoulder.

01:00:17 Awesome. At that point in time, you feel something heavy and hard, boom,

01:00:21 pow into your shoulder.

01:00:23 That one?

01:00:24 Yes. As Gerdon just hits you with a solid, hard, closed fist punch right into your wounded shoulder.

01:00:28 In ref.

01:00:30 I've thrown off the apron.

01:00:31 Focused on the ring.

01:00:32 I've thrown off the apron. I kind of hobble over to the medics at ringside

01:00:36 and start getting checked out there.

01:00:38 I'm kind of out of the match at this point.

01:00:41 What?

01:00:42 Okay. Oh no.

01:00:45 So, my Cannonball.

01:00:47 So, yeah, she is unconscious once again, lying flat on the mat.

01:00:51 Okay, in which case I'm going to try for the Silver Spooner again.

01:00:55 I mean, I'm looking at my brogue, but I know that we've got to win this match.

01:00:59 I've got to win it for him, I've got to win it for Dad, win it for the family.

01:01:02 So I'm going to hoist her up for the Silver Spooner again.

01:01:05 And it's a 7. Is that good enough?

01:01:09 That is a success. I'm going to finish it.

01:01:11 Yes. Take us through the Silver Spooner.

01:01:13 So, up into the air, no time for the flexing, just power down with the jackhammer,

01:01:18 slamming right into the mat, and I hook the leg for the pin.

01:01:22 You're going to go for the pin?

01:01:23 I'm going for the pin.

01:01:26 Oh, it's a 9.

01:01:29 The ref runs in.

01:01:31 One.

01:01:34 Two.

01:01:35 This is not a slow count, it's just dramatic slow motion.

01:01:38 And three.

01:01:41 Ding, ding, ding.

01:01:42 Your winners and new Tag Team Champions, the Precious Metals.

01:01:52 Instantly run out of the ring, check that my bro's okay.

01:01:54 The audience are chanting, "Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro."

01:01:59 Okay, that's a shoulder.

01:02:01 Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I'm good.

01:02:03 Well done, we won.

01:02:05 Let's get in the ring, let's celebrate.

01:02:07 So we get in the ring and we celebrate.

01:02:09 And, you know, I'm actually holding up the title above my head now.

01:02:13 Seems like, but then I sort of remember, oh, ow, yeah, that hurts.

01:02:18 It's supposed to hurt.

01:02:20 But sometimes I forget which arm I'm meant to hold up the title with.

01:02:23 And I'm looking across at bro, you know, sort of Randy Savage,

01:02:28 when he picks up Miss Elizabeth, very briefly.

01:02:32 But now I'm back to celebrate him.

01:02:33 We won it.

01:02:34 We won it, man.

01:02:35 We won it together.

01:02:36 Big hug.

01:02:37 Yes.

01:02:38 Yeah, yeah.

01:02:39 Tag champs, mate.

01:02:40 We did that together.

01:02:41 We did do it together.

01:02:42 We are the Tag Team Champions.

01:02:43 Tag Team Champions, we are.

01:02:45 Yeah, we are.

01:02:46 As you celebrate and raise the belt high above your heads,

01:02:51 can I have you both just make a straight 2D6 roll?

01:02:57 It's got to be a 5.

01:02:58 11.

01:02:59 You are distracted and filled with pride and happiness and adulation for your brother

01:03:03 and joy at this joint success you found together.

01:03:06 You notice, standing at the top of the ramp, his arms folded in his platinum suit,

01:03:11 platinum Pete.

01:03:16 He meets your gaze, looks you in the eye,

01:03:23 just starts very slowly shaking his head.

01:03:42 You're just putting your shades on and averting your gaze.

01:03:49 He starts to come down the ramp.

01:03:54 Look at me.

01:03:59 Let's have you roll again.

01:04:02 A 5 again.

01:04:04 Oh, yeah.

01:04:05 You've clocked him now.

01:04:08 Just making his way down the ramp towards the ring.

01:04:10 Bro is oblivious to this.

01:04:21 The sound of his voice from last week pops into your memory.

01:04:28 Don't disappoint me, Joe.

01:04:34 Do not disappoint your father.

01:04:52 Roll one more time.

01:04:55 It's an 8.

01:04:57 You, clock, platinum Pete, at the bottom of the ramp now.

01:05:01 Dad's here!

01:05:02 Dad!

01:05:03 Dad's here!

01:05:04 We won the tag team with us!

01:05:05 We won the tag belts!

01:05:06 We're tag team champions!

01:05:07 We won!

01:05:08 That's what you wanted us to do.

01:05:09 We won it.

01:05:10 We won it for you.

01:05:11 We won it for us.

01:05:12 We won it for the family.

01:05:13 He steps up the steps, over the top rope, into the ring,

01:05:18 where the two of you are, puts a hand on your shoulder.

01:05:24 Can I interrupt?

01:05:26 Yeah.

01:05:27 Can I hit him over the head with the tag belt?

01:05:29 Yes.

01:05:33 Roll on your heat with your brother.

01:05:37 It's 9.

01:05:38 It's 10 actually.

01:05:39 Boom!

01:05:40 Just as he rests one hand on Bro's shoulder and turns to face you,

01:05:43 the belt collides with his skull and knocks him to his knees.

01:05:52 What do you think you're doing, Joe?

01:05:56 I'm now going to start doing the golden shower on him.

01:05:59 I've got a really slow one and I'm crying.

01:06:04 You can't see, but you can see the tears coming down.

01:06:07 And I do every single punch up until the 10 one,

01:06:11 and then I run the ropes very sadly,

01:06:15 and I come back and look him one more time.

01:06:17 It's going to be the one that knocks him out because I've got the belt now,

01:06:20 and I'm going to hit him again in the head.

01:06:24 In fact, we're going to say halfway through the golden shower.

01:06:27 You obviously see what's going on here.

01:06:29 What are you doing, Bro?

01:06:30 I'm just head on hands.

01:06:32 I don't know what to do.

01:06:34 I've obviously got to finish the move first before I really get involved.

01:06:37 It's ruined the streamership.

01:06:39 I'm head on my hands just looking at this drama unfolding in front of me.

01:06:42 My brother is hitting my dad.

01:06:44 And you're just what to you?

01:06:46 I'm stunned.

01:06:47 I'm stunned for the moment.

01:06:49 Okay, roll and look and finish the golden shower.

01:06:54 Is that a reroll?

01:06:55 It's cocked to reroll, yeah.

01:06:57 So that's 10.

01:06:59 On the 10th punch, connect straight with Platinum Pete's jaw.

01:07:05 His head snaps back.

01:07:07 His eyes roll to the back of his head,

01:07:09 and boom, he falls unconscious on the mat.

01:07:12 That's when I now hold him back and sort of grab him.

01:07:15 What are you doing?

01:07:16 What are you doing?

01:07:17 Get off me.

01:07:18 We're brothers.

01:07:20 We can walk through this.

01:07:21 What are you doing?

01:07:22 Get off me.

01:07:23 I'm just going to walk to the back with the belt just by my side,

01:07:27 just holding it low.

01:07:31 I'm walking out.

01:07:34 I'm just going to check on Dad.

01:07:36 He is completely unconscious.

01:07:39 Get the medics in here.

01:07:41 Where's the hospital staff that was saying to Milkman,

01:07:43 get them all out here.

01:07:45 There's another dad that's hurt out here.

01:07:50 Just roll on the hook for me.

01:07:54 That'll be a five.

01:07:58 Yeah, some medics, a fight nurse comes in with his one-handed stretcher,

01:08:04 makes his way down the ramp, makes his way into the ring,

01:08:06 starts trying to manoeuvre your dad onto the stretcher.

01:08:08 He is still completely out cold at this point.

01:08:12 I'm just going to walk out with him.

01:08:15 Just walk out with Dad, just make sure everything is okay.

01:08:19 All right.

01:08:21 So as the fight nurse carries your dad on the stretcher up the ramp

01:08:24 and you walk by his side, just as he reaches the top of the ramp,

01:08:29 Pete's eyes snap open.

01:08:36 He looks up at you.

01:08:39 Dad.

01:08:41 Gestures for you to come really close and whispers something in your ear.

01:08:59 Goodness.

01:09:07 And then passes out and is carried up the ramp and out the back by a fight nurse.

01:09:20 I continue to walk alongside.

01:09:23 And we'll leave it there.

01:09:26 It's now time for a very special retirement match.

01:09:32 Let's see if milk is thicker than blood.

01:09:41 I'm very sorry, it's family only.

01:09:47 These are family.

01:09:51 I've been training him in wrestling for many years.

01:09:53 He is my finest protege.

01:09:55 And I was raised by a good woman.

01:09:58 I thought that milk is meant to be thicker than water.

01:10:03 You've spilt enough milk.

01:10:06 I was teaching you the milky way.

01:10:09 Jeez, Dad.

01:10:10 I want to go out on my own terms.

01:10:14 Cal, come, you won't listen to me.

01:10:17 Where were you this morning?

01:10:19 Where were you when I was getting my--

01:10:22 My next match will be my retirement match.

01:10:26 If I lose, I have to leave the company.

01:10:29 They said I'm not good enough anymore.

01:10:30 I'm too old.

01:10:31 I'm too slow.

01:10:33 Tony, maybe they're right.

01:10:39 Come on, Tony.

01:10:40 Come on, Tony.

01:10:41 Put that towel down, lad.

01:10:44 You feel something go in your arm.

01:10:46 You feel something go in your knee.

01:10:48 You feel something go in your back.

01:10:50 Milk seems to leak from places where milk should never leak from.

01:10:54 Boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:10:56 Your winner, the milk man.

01:11:00 [CHEERING]

01:11:01 You're kidding.

01:11:02 You beautiful bastards.

01:11:05 If you try to wrestle again, you might very well die.

01:11:15 Doris, you're going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:17 We need to take a study.

01:11:22 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:24 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:26 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:28 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:30 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:32 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:34 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:36 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:38 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:40 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:42 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:44 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:46 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:48 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:50 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:52 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:54 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:56 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:11:58 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:00 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:02 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:04 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:06 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:08 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:10 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:12 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:14 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:16 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:18 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:20 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:22 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:24 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:26 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:28 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:30 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:32 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:34 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:36 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:38 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:40 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:42 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:44 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:46 I'm going to have to lie down for this one.

01:12:48 I'll stop, but when I'm ready.

01:12:50 I'll stop, but when I'm ready.

01:12:52 Well then, looks like I'm going to have to stop you.

01:12:54 Well then, looks like I'm going to have to stop you.

01:12:56 You and me.

01:12:58 You and me.

01:13:00 One on one.

01:13:02 The colossal tussle.

01:13:04 I'm sorry, but I'm going to send you home where you belong.

01:13:06 I'm sorry, but I'm going to send you home where you belong.

01:13:08 I'm sorry, but I'm going to send you home where you belong.

01:13:10 I've still got it, lad.

01:13:12 I've still got it, lad.

01:13:14 I could beat anyone on this roster.

01:13:16 I could beat them all around the ring

01:13:18 until the cows come home.

01:13:20 And when the cows come home, I'll fucking milk them.

01:13:22 And when the cows come home, I'll fucking milk them.

01:13:24 Because that's what real men do.

01:13:26 But talk about this in the car.

01:13:28 But talk about this in the car.

01:13:30 The following contest is scheduled for one-four.

01:13:32 The following contest is scheduled for one-four.

01:13:34 The following contest is scheduled for one-four.

01:13:36 If the milkman loses this match,

01:13:38 If the milkman loses this match,

01:13:40 he must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:42 he must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:13:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:14:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:15:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:16:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:17:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:18:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:19:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:20:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:21:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:22:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:23:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:50 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:52 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:54 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:56 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:24:58 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:00 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:02 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:04 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:06 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:08 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:10 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:12 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:14 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:16 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:18 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:20 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:22 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:24 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:26 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:28 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:30 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:32 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:34 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:36 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:38 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:40 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:42 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:44 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:46 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:48 He must retire from City British Wrestling.

01:25:50 You hear something, it's so audible in this now completely silent arena,

01:25:55 the audience are on the edges of their seats,

01:25:57 you hear something crack that echoes throughout the whole stadium

01:26:00 as that Irish whip doesn't land.

01:26:02 I stop and I nail down and I say to him,

01:26:05 trying to obviously hide my mouth from the camera,

01:26:08 "Are you OK?"

01:26:09 "Whip me."

01:26:11 "Dad, are you OK?"

01:26:13 "Whip me to the ropes."

01:26:15 I pick him up and I try an Irish whip him to the ropes.

01:26:20 Yeah, roll and whack for that.

01:26:22 That's two.

01:26:23 That is a five.

01:26:26 As you go for that whip and you try to fling your dad towards the ropes,

01:26:31 you just whip a little too hard and you hear another sharp, hard crack,

01:26:38 another blast of pain shoots through your arm and through your shoulder

01:26:42 and you just stumble face first onto the mat a few feet away from Kid Flips.

01:26:48 I begin to sort of one-armed crawl towards the corner.

01:26:54 I'm just shouting at him now,

01:26:57 "Give up, please, it has to be your choice."

01:27:02 "Not until we've given the City British public what they want."

01:27:08 I say, "Fine, I'll give the people what they want."

01:27:12 And I go for the Clarissa Explains It All Moonsault.

01:27:17 That's another work roll.

01:27:21 That is a nine.

01:27:24 Yeah, you climb to that top rope, you flip through the air beautifully

01:27:28 and your Moonsault connects, boom, against your dad.

01:27:31 You hear another crack and grind as your body hits his.

01:27:37 I pick him up, I try and pick him up and just hit me with something, okay?

01:27:44 Just hit me with anything, okay? Please.

01:27:47 Go for the one big forearm.

01:27:49 That's a power roll.

01:27:51 Doesn't really matter anymore.

01:27:53 It's all the same.

01:27:55 It's a three.

01:27:57 It's like it knows it's the milkman.

01:28:00 It's like they know.

01:28:02 These are busted.

01:28:06 You swing your forearm towards your son.

01:28:08 It connects but there's just no force behind it.

01:28:11 Your body is so tired.

01:28:14 You feel a feeble forearm bash against your face.

01:28:18 You turn your head almost out of courtesy more than anything else.

01:28:25 This man is in no state to wrestle.

01:28:28 I catch his arm

01:28:34 and I pull him in for a hug

01:28:38 and then I hit him with a Spanish fly.

01:28:41 I Moonsault and he flips forward and we both just clam to the sound of the hook.

01:28:45 Land on work.

01:28:47 I don't think so.

01:28:50 Plus work, that is six.

01:28:53 That is a fail.

01:28:55 You go in for the Spanish fly, you lift your dad up

01:29:00 but as you lift him up and you feel the damage in his body as you do it

01:29:06 there's just something in you that you can't on a subconscious level follow through

01:29:10 and you drop him halfway through.

01:29:13 You land quite softly on the mat before the movement really starts.

01:29:18 Your son is clearly conflicted at this point.

01:29:21 You're back in control if you want to do something.

01:29:23 I'm going to pick the leg.

01:29:25 Just trip him, take him down.

01:29:27 That's better. That's a ten.

01:29:30 Sorry, that's an eleven.

01:29:32 So it works one.

01:29:34 You kick your leg out, sweep it underneath Kid Flips, boom, he falls into the mat.

01:29:40 Did you stand up to do this stuff or were you knocking him down from the floor?

01:29:44 So now you are both lying on the mat end to end.

01:29:49 The milkman panting and wheezing.

01:29:51 Kid Flips racked with emotional conflict.

01:29:54 I think, okay, he's got a move in now.

01:30:01 He can go out on his own terms.

01:30:05 I decide I'm going for a big move, a move the crowd's never seen before.

01:30:13 I kip up, which is I guess work.

01:30:20 Yeah, it looks great.

01:30:22 That's an eight.

01:30:24 I pick my dad up, set him up in the corner on the turnbuckle.

01:30:31 I look for my skateboard, but my skateboard's in the crowd.

01:30:34 So I go outside the ropes into the ringside.

01:30:37 I reach behind, underneath the ring, and I pull out the skateboard that I made for you.

01:30:44 I set it up.

01:30:46 I basically, what this is, is I'm going to fly on my skateboard, gain all the momentum in the world,

01:30:52 because I'm a radical dude, and I'm going to jump and plant the soles of my feet right in his face.

01:31:00 The soles of my feet, I call it the Fresh Prince.

01:31:04 Oh!

01:31:07 Do your shoes light up?

01:31:09 You better fucking believe it.

01:31:11 Oh, my mask, no!

01:31:13 People will work out who I am.

01:31:16 Right, what would you like me to roll on that?

01:31:18 On that, I would say because you're using the skateboard, you can roll on your heat,

01:31:26 but because also it's a '90s pun, you can roll on look.

01:31:30 Well, my heat with my dad is two.

01:31:32 I'm going to use that, please.

01:31:34 And it is a nine plus two, eleven.

01:31:42 Oh, yeah.

01:31:44 Yeah, just talk us through.

01:31:46 I fly through the air like a righteous gazelle.

01:31:53 Don't fly.

01:31:55 But I connect both soles of my feet, boom.

01:32:00 I feel something give beneath my feet,

01:32:04 and I kind of springboard off his face onto the top turnbuckle as he lands on the floor behind me,

01:32:13 and I'm there.

01:32:14 I'm on the top rope, and I'm going to go for my finisher.

01:32:22 Can I roll first to decide if it works before I tell you about it?

01:32:28 Sure.

01:32:29 Just 2D6?

01:32:30 Just 2D6.

01:32:33 That is a ten.

01:32:38 I look down at you.

01:32:43 We lock eyes, and I say, "I'm sorry.

01:32:49 I love you.

01:32:52 Cowabunga."

01:32:54 And I go for round the twist.

01:32:57 I flip through the air, starting as a toddler into a young boy, into a slightly older boy,

01:33:08 into a young teenager, into the man that I am now, and I land full force on my dad.

01:33:20 I'm going to need you to make a power roll for me.

01:33:24 That is a six.

01:33:33 As you connect with the milkman's chest, you hear an almighty crumble.

01:33:40 As you feel the soft and damaged bone and tissue of an old man's body give way under your body weight,

01:33:51 air gasps and bursts out of the milkman's lungs along with a jet of blood and a spray of milk.

01:34:01 Naturally.

01:34:04 You instantly step off his chest and can see through the gore and the dent you made

01:34:13 how much damage you've just done to your father's body.

01:34:18 Milkman, your vision starts to blur.

01:34:22 Your breathing starts to get raspy and shallow and slow.

01:34:28 Your son is standing over you.

01:34:31 A look of abject horror, I guess, right now.

01:34:34 Yeah, I guess.

01:34:35 On his face.

01:34:36 What do you say to him?

01:34:39 Boy, kid, I'm proud of you.

01:34:47 Being a dad is the best job I ever had.

01:34:52 I've had that and being a wrestler all the time.

01:34:56 It's an old school.

01:34:58 Keep doing what you're doing.

01:35:01 I nod.

01:35:04 I hook the leg.

01:35:06 Okay, so as you go to hook the leg, you see the milkman cough up more blood.

01:35:13 You hear his breathing get slower and slower and more labored.

01:35:19 He's going to survive.

01:35:22 I have to make sure I win the match so that he can come home, so that he retires

01:35:29 and we have the life that we've always dreamed of.

01:35:32 I cinch the pin in and I bellow at the ref, "Count! Count!"

01:35:39 Okay, this is what we're going to do.

01:35:41 This is a three count.

01:35:44 It's going to be three rolls for each count.

01:35:47 Oh, God.

01:35:48 He still wins if I die, so...

01:35:53 One.

01:35:55 Just straight?

01:35:56 Just straight.

01:35:57 Six.

01:36:04 Two.

01:36:08 Eight.

01:36:11 So that's one success and one fail.

01:36:19 Three.

01:36:21 Nine.

01:36:22 Oh, my God.

01:36:24 Three.

01:36:25 Ding, ding, ding.

01:36:26 Your winner, Kid Flips!

01:36:32 The medic bursts onto the scene, vaults over the ropes, runs up to the milkman,

01:36:39 starts unpacking things from his little medical chest.

01:36:43 Another couple of medics run up and swarm around you.

01:36:45 Now I've got about three or four professionals just focusing.

01:36:47 They push you out of the way so they can get some space, move you onto a stretcher

01:36:53 and you are carried out of the ring.

01:36:55 Can I stop them from carrying me out of the ring for a second?

01:37:00 Yes, you can.

01:37:03 What would you like to do?

01:37:05 I want to step off the stretcher and I want to walk over through all the medics

01:37:10 and I want to raise my son's hand.

01:37:15 You really need medical attention.

01:37:18 You can do this.

01:37:22 Go and raise your son's hand first.

01:37:27 Yeah, talk us through that.

01:37:29 So they are putting me on the stretcher, I'm wheezing, I'm coughing, I'm spluttering,

01:37:33 I push them away with the last ounce of my strength from my one good arm.

01:37:38 I just make my way through and I say, "You can hold me up if you want to, but let me do this."

01:37:42 I go through, I spin him round from wherever, if he's gone to the corner covering his face,

01:37:48 grab the hand and I just raise it in front of the crowd.

01:37:53 Kid?

01:37:56 I stand there and I look at him and I notice all the blood just draining from your face

01:38:07 and I catch you as you fall.

01:38:12 Roll.

01:38:14 And just so we know what's at stake here, you want a success and not a failure.

01:38:18 Yeah.

01:38:21 That's a six. Can I use a re-roll?

01:38:24 Yes, you can.

01:38:25 Because you put over the guy on your way out and that's what I believe in.

01:38:32 Eleven.

01:38:34 So all the colour drains from your face, you drop just about to hit the mat and

01:38:40 Kidflips catches you before you hit the ground and lifts you back up again.

01:38:46 I raise my father's hand in the air and I offer him the microphone and I tell everyone to leave the ring.

01:39:01 Just a moment and give you the ring.

01:39:07 Oh God!

01:39:11 I just want to say nothing flashy, no puns, no nothing.

01:39:16 Working here has been the best time of my life.

01:39:20 It's led me to a purpose, it's led me to a boy I never knew I had until very recently.

01:39:30 I just want to say I love you CBW crowd.

01:39:33 You are like a second family to me but there is a family that is much closer.

01:39:39 It's Doris and it's Kidflips.

01:39:42 I love you and I'm proud of both of you.

01:39:46 And the crowd lose their shit.

01:39:54 Okay, wonderful, wonderful stuff.

01:39:57 He's now dead.

01:40:03 Can I just take a look at your stat sheet?

01:40:05 Of course.

01:40:07 I'm not dangerous to people.

01:40:09 No, be nice.

01:40:11 I've got limbs.

01:40:15 Walking down.

01:40:18 It's like you've been brought down in a wheelbarrow.

01:40:20 I've got a dodgy arm, a dodgy leg and a dodgy back.

01:40:23 You have reinforced denim.

01:40:25 Is that because I've been using all the medical supplies?

01:40:28 There's nothing left.

01:40:30 I'm surprised they didn't bring out a defibrillator for you babe.

01:40:32 I know, a little shock.

01:40:36 Do you want a pen?

01:40:38 For the leg and the arm, we're going to drop you down to -2 work and -3 power.

01:40:44 Oh dear.

01:40:46 That's the whole point of a heel pre-championship beatdown.

01:40:50 But the reel is still high.

01:40:52 The reel is still high.

01:40:53 So what am I going down? -2 work.

01:40:55 -2 work and -3 on power.

01:41:01 Well, shit the bed.

01:41:03 It's now time for the City British Wrestling Championship match.

01:41:11 Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win.

01:41:17 Let's find out if blood is thicker than blood.

01:41:27 City British Champion for 1000 days.

01:41:35 I am not afraid.

01:41:37 And I will win, there is no doubt.

01:41:43 Oh, look at you.

01:41:47 Do you know what, you look like you could put up a really good show.

01:41:53 I am tired from City British Wrestling forever.

01:41:58 Strike five.

01:42:01 Just in time to see the figure of Apex standing over you.

01:42:05 One, two, three.

01:42:11 Five.

01:42:17 I am strong.

01:42:22 You, you are all weak.

01:42:27 I demand my job back.

01:42:29 And not only do I demand it back, I want a job full time.

01:42:33 Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win.

01:42:37 You get your chance by entering legal wrangling.

01:42:48 You will be entering this year's legal wrangling.

01:42:54 At number one.

01:42:59 There is no one who can stop me.

01:43:06 Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win.

01:43:14 Your winner, Danny Matrix.

01:43:22 I am so proud and I have got my job back.

01:43:24 Dan win, Dan win, Dan win, Dan win.

01:43:29 I am going to use this opportunity to just flip my body over.

01:43:32 First elimination.

01:43:38 Yes.

01:43:45 Yes.

01:43:48 Three, four, five.

01:43:51 Dan win, Dan win, Dan win.

01:43:53 And whoosh over the top rope.

01:43:56 Boom.

01:43:59 Your winner of this year's legal wrangle, the Danny Matrix.

01:44:07 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:09 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:11 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:13 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:15 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:17 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:19 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:21 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:23 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:25 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:27 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:29 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:31 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:33 You will be entering this year's legal wrangle.

01:44:35 Your spine just gives way under the force of his nape.

01:44:39 You will never be CBW champion.

01:44:47 The following contest is scheduled for one fall.

01:44:58 One fall!

01:45:00 The winner of this match will claim the City British Championship belt.

01:45:06 Ooooooh!

01:45:08 Belt, belt, belt, belt.

01:45:10 Making his way to the stage, hailing from parts unknown,

01:45:15 your City British Champion,

01:45:18 Apex!

01:45:21 Apex!

01:45:25 There is an almighty deafening, hollow clatter,

01:45:30 followed by the boom, boom, boom of feet heavier than a human being could possibly have.

01:45:38 And you see, coming to the top of the ramp, two huge, tusked, woolly mammoths.

01:45:44 And they are pulling behind them a giant chariot made of the bones of inconceivably large animals.

01:45:50 Standing atop the chariot in the driver's seat, wielding a whip made from something spying, is Apex.

01:45:56 He's still wearing heavy steel chains around his wrist and around his waist.

01:46:00 He is chewing something that looks like metal in his mouth.

01:46:04 He cracks the whip against the backs of the mammoths who rear up on their back legs and trumpet furiously into the air.

01:46:11 He stalks his chariot at the top of the ramp, hops down onto the metal of the ramp,

01:46:16 and leaves these two huge, heavy dents in the metal as he lands.

01:46:19 He stalks his way down the ramp, down to the ring, with his belt around his hands.

01:46:25 He flings it up in the air.

01:46:27 [YELLS]

01:46:29 Bellows into the crowd, sets the belt down on the ground,

01:46:34 and jumps with one big launch of his powerful thighs over the rope and into the centre of the ring.

01:46:40 He bellows once again out into the City British Wrestling audience,

01:46:44 and then stands facing the ramp, waiting for his opponent.

01:46:48 Making her way to the ring, hailing from Whipsford, Reading,

01:46:54 Denny Matrix!

01:46:58 So, there's no dry ice, there's no lasers, it's just me standing on top.

01:47:04 Standing around is really badass.

01:47:06 My injuries that I sustained are being supported by extra stiff denim, extra starch.

01:47:11 But I've still kept the bloody wounds open on my scalp.

01:47:18 I stand there for a little while, and you realise that I am not alone.

01:47:21 Out comes Gerda, Pylon,

01:47:26 Whoa!

01:47:27 What was her? Oh, Socrates.

01:47:32 Socrates, and of course, the most recent grout, the women of CBW.

01:47:39 They are all dressed head to toe in denim.

01:47:42 Yay!

01:47:43 Doesn't matter, heel or face, they stand by me.

01:47:47 They saw what happened, and they are buddies.

01:47:50 They are not going to join me in the ring, but they are just there to remind me that they are in my corner.

01:47:55 We walk down in unison, badass, and we get to the ring.

01:48:00 They lift me over, they give me a nod, and they sit down.

01:48:04 So nice.

01:48:06 It's literally the sisterhood of the travelling pants.

01:48:11 You are welcome to a moment with the mic before the match kicks off.

01:48:15 I don't want one.

01:48:16 Damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win.

01:48:22 Okay, your knee is still bandaged up, your arm is still bandaged up.

01:48:25 What about where your stiletto horns were ripped from your head?

01:48:29 I had them open, and just letting the air heal them.

01:48:36 Okay.

01:48:39 Ding, ding, ding.

01:48:40 Okay, roll on power for me right now.

01:48:42 Oh dear.

01:48:43 No.

01:48:44 Not a good start.

01:48:46 That's a three.

01:48:49 Immediately, as soon as the bell goes off, apex.

01:48:54 Sort of Super Mario Land 3, Wario Land kind of body slam.

01:48:59 Straight into your chest, knocks you onto the mat, and just starts stamping boom, boom, boom on your body.

01:49:05 We'll need another power roll from you on this.

01:49:07 Come on, come on, David.

01:49:09 That's not much power.

01:49:11 Yes!

01:49:12 That is a eight.

01:49:14 On the third foot, your hand catches the bottom of his boot.

01:49:18 What do you do?

01:49:19 I go to -- the only thing I do is literally shift him out of the way, hoping to twist him and trip him up.

01:49:26 Great, roll on work for that.

01:49:28 Okay, this is not tower.

01:49:32 Six.

01:49:34 You go to turn his foot, and then your elbow shoots with pain, and he simply rests his foot out of your hand and starts stomping again.

01:49:43 Another power roll from you.

01:49:49 Power roll.

01:49:50 Seven.

01:49:51 Once again, boom, you catch his feet in your hands.

01:49:55 Once again, you have a grip on apex's foot.

01:49:57 What are you doing?

01:49:58 I'm literally just going to push it off and roll out of the way as quickly as possible.

01:50:00 That is a power roll to push it off.

01:50:01 But it's a rock.

01:50:04 Come on, Danny.

01:50:05 Okay, fine, come on, give me something huge.

01:50:09 That's five.

01:50:10 You try to move his body, but there's just too much of him.

01:50:13 Rather than stamping now, he just slowly puts the pressure on.

01:50:16 You can see his thigh bulge inside his trousers as he pushes this foot down slowly on your hand.

01:50:23 Thigh, thigh bulge inside his trousers.

01:50:26 Because you put your trousers over your thighs, that's where you wear -- come on, guys.

01:50:30 You have a fat, fucking male roster.

01:50:32 I do, and I was going to say, I love this guy.

01:50:34 Where is QC?

01:50:37 QC is nowhere to be seen.

01:50:39 It's just you and apex, and, of course, your supporters.

01:50:43 Apex pushes down against your hand, sort of bends your arm in and of itself.

01:50:48 You feel more pain shoot through your elbow.

01:50:50 He then grabs another hand around your throat, squeezes it around your neck, and then lifts you up off the ground,

01:50:56 feet dangling about three feet off the ground at this point, and just starts to choke you.

01:51:00 I'm going to need another power roll from you.

01:51:06 Four.

01:51:07 The hand squeezes tighter and tighter around your throat.

01:51:10 Your vision starts to blur. Your vision starts to fade.

01:51:12 What are you doing?

01:51:13 I'm using every ounce of strength to get my fingernails, because they seem to be the only thing that can actually work at this point,

01:51:19 to rip his arms to shreds.

01:51:21 I'm just going at it with everything that I've got.

01:51:23 You can roll on reel for the --

01:51:24 Yes!

01:51:27 Oh, six!

01:51:31 You move your hands away from his fingers where you're trying to get some air to your windpipe.

01:51:36 You start slashing away at his arms, and your fingernails break on his leathery skin.

01:51:41 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they were so precious.

01:51:45 Every slash, another fingernail breaks and whittles down until you just have these sort of chewed --

01:51:50 you know what they look like when people chew their fingernails?

01:51:52 Oh, mine.

01:51:53 Yeah.

01:51:54 Yeah.

01:51:55 You just keep on slashing until your fingernails are just worn away through erosion, and his hand is still around your throat.

01:52:00 Your vision fades even more.

01:52:01 You feel your eyes starting to roll over the back of your head.

01:52:03 What are you doing?

01:52:04 I am -- the only thing I can do, I'm just going to dribble so much that I make his hand all lubricated,

01:52:09 and I want to slide out of it.

01:52:11 I'll say roll on look for that.

01:52:14 Well, at least it's not a minus.

01:52:16 Please, for the love of God.

01:52:18 Yes!

01:52:19 Ten!

01:52:20 You just start dribbling like a fucking fountain from your mouth.

01:52:24 Like that spittle slides down your lips, slides down your neck, slides into his fingers,

01:52:29 and you feel that grip not so much loosen but start to lubricate,

01:52:33 and you are able to -- you're just trying to sort of pull your head through.

01:52:36 Yeah, I just want to pull through like --

01:52:37 Yeah, you pop through.

01:52:40 All that insane amount of spittle sort of moves up your face and gets your hair sort of dank and wet,

01:52:46 but you boom, land on your feet.

01:52:50 Roll on work for me.

01:52:57 Six.

01:52:59 As you land on your feet with a closed fist, Apex goes to swing a hard, stiff lariat at you,

01:53:05 and you just don't duck out quite in time.

01:53:08 It connects with the side of your head and knocks you to the mat.

01:53:12 He just stands there above you, chuckling to himself, adjusting the chains on his wrists.

01:53:18 Hang on, I'm on the ground, am I?

01:53:20 You're on the ground.

01:53:21 Oh, great, cool.

01:53:23 And I'm just going to continue rolling out of the way as far away from me as possible as you get to the ropes.

01:53:30 Cool, so you're just going to roll across the ground.

01:53:32 I'm just going to run away.

01:53:34 I say -- I'm not sure what that is.

01:53:36 Just a straight 2D6 for that if you're just running away.

01:53:38 Just get out of the way for a sec.

01:53:41 Cool.

01:53:42 Yeah, you sort of lug rolling?

01:53:44 I just lug rolling, you know, like when kids roll down a hill like that.

01:53:47 Cool, yeah, you just lug roll across the mat right up to the corner.

01:53:53 Apex hasn't moved from his spot at this point.

01:53:55 I look at my sisters, and I see that they are just cheering me on,

01:53:59 and it gives me this real, like, "Yes, I can do this, I can do this!"

01:54:04 And I'm going to climb the ropes, and I'm going to go for a --

01:54:09 I just want to go for a splash, but the zippers on my chest are just pointing out.

01:54:14 You know when you land and you've got zips like that?

01:54:17 Like that?

01:54:18 Pointy.

01:54:21 Okay, you can roll and look for that.

01:54:23 That's pretty denimy.

01:54:25 Just, like, spiking around the rail.

01:54:26 God damn it.

01:54:27 Okay.

01:54:29 Yeah!

01:54:30 Yeah, you climb to that rope, you leap, you splash towards him.

01:54:34 Where are you aiming with these zippers?

01:54:36 I want to go for his eyes.

01:54:37 Oh!

01:54:38 Holy hell.

01:54:39 Cool, yeah, absolutely.

01:54:40 You collide with his body, these little sticky-out zippers.

01:54:43 Boink, boink!

01:54:44 In both of his, like, tiny jet-black, like, reptilian eyes.

01:54:48 He yells in pain, clasps his hands over his eyes, sort of doubles over in pain

01:54:52 and starts sort of stamping around blind and furious, swinging his arms wildly.

01:54:56 I'm going to say you can roll just a straight 2D6 on this.

01:55:00 Oh, God.

01:55:03 Oh, no.

01:55:04 It's a critical fail.

01:55:06 It's a critical-- I've got--

01:55:08 You do have two re-rolls.

01:55:09 Yeah.

01:55:10 What do I have?

01:55:11 Just stand up for what you believe in and you have--

01:55:13 I'll stand up for what I believe in.

01:55:14 This prick should not be allowed to be a champion.

01:55:16 He'd beat me up completely unnecessarily.

01:55:19 That's good enough for me.

01:55:21 That's good enough for me.

01:55:22 Come on, bloody shit.

01:55:26 Oh, at least it's a fight.

01:55:28 At least it's not a critical fail.

01:55:31 Yeah, I was going to say that.

01:55:32 You've kind of moved up a bit, at least.

01:55:34 You can re-roll or you can take this.

01:55:36 Do you know what I'm going to take, then?

01:55:38 Yeah, he's just swinging his arms wildly and partly through some kind of animalistic instinct and partly through just good luck.

01:55:44 A big heavy arm swings past, an open palm connects with your face and just flings you across the ring up into the turnbuckle.

01:55:52 Boom, you feel your spine collide with the turnbuckle.

01:55:55 The wind is knocked out of you.

01:55:57 But at this point in time, Apex is still struggling to see and still just swinging blindly and wildly around the ring.

01:56:04 Okay, cool. So he's blindly swinging around the ring.

01:56:09 I am going to...

01:56:15 I'm going to break the rules and get my whip.

01:56:19 I get a pylon frozen in my whip. It is made of zippers and denim.

01:56:23 I'm going to clap him around the back of the head to split the... to open his skull.

01:56:27 So first we're going to have you roll on look.

01:56:32 Okay.

01:56:33 Just for now.

01:56:36 Tentacles.

01:56:37 So, yeah, as Pylon is chucking you the whip, Socrates steps over to the referee and poses a complicated ethical issue to it.

01:56:45 The rules.

01:56:46 Yes, Socrates!

01:56:47 And while the two are discussing the finer points of the ethics of professional wrestling, the referee's attention is far from the ring.

01:56:53 The whip lands in your hand. What are you doing with it?

01:56:56 I want to crack him in the back of the head with the intention of splitting the skin open so I can see his skull.

01:57:01 Rolled on reel.

01:57:02 That's real.

01:57:03 That's really real.

01:57:06 What is that?

01:57:07 It's a six. It's five.

01:57:09 To be fair, you are doing something underhanded here. You could maybe re-roll that.

01:57:13 Yes.

01:57:14 If you want to re-roll, that's your last re-roll used up, but you're welcome to if you want to.

01:57:18 Come on.

01:57:19 Come on, you got this. It's your reel. You're definitely going to do it, probably.

01:57:23 Yeah!

01:57:24 Here comes the success.

01:57:26 It's coming.

01:57:27 Oh, there it is.

01:57:28 Damn win.

01:57:29 Damn wins, baby.

01:57:30 I'm not going to re-roll.

01:57:31 The whip cracks against the back of Apex's head and what's it made out of, your whip?

01:57:36 It's zips and denim, obviously.

01:57:39 It just splits into all the individual teeth of the zips that scatter with a clatter across the mat.

01:57:45 The impact on the back of his head is enough to cause Apex to snap back into focus.

01:57:50 He turns to face you and lunges towards you. I'm going to need a roll on power.

01:57:54 Oh, no.

01:57:55 Come on, give me something.

01:57:58 Oh, that's a seven!

01:58:00 It's a seven!

01:58:01 He swings his big hands towards you, but you catch them in your own.

01:58:04 You lock up, hands on hands, and it's now just a strength match, pushing each other across the ring.

01:58:09 Okay, cool.

01:58:10 Both of you are sort of sinking deep into the mat at this point, trying to find purchase on the ground.

01:58:14 You see his muscles bulging. You see your own muscles bulging inside the denim.

01:58:18 Blood starts to seep out from the healing wounds on your head through the sheer pressure you are putting through your body at this point.

01:58:24 What are you doing?

01:58:26 We are going down to the ground, and as I can see that he is really pushing towards me,

01:58:32 what I'm going to do is I'm going to let go and I'm going to let him go past me.

01:58:36 As he goes, I'm going to push him into the mat where all the spiky zips and things are sticking up.

01:58:41 He gets to the mat, and I'm going to push him into the spiky, spiky bits.

01:58:45 Okay, that is both, that it feels like both a move of real technical proficiency,

01:58:49 but also it's involving outside weapons, so it's a real roll.

01:58:53 So what's your work?

01:58:54 My work is minus two.

01:58:55 You're real?

01:58:56 It is plus two.

01:58:57 We'll give you a plus one on this.

01:58:58 Yes!

01:58:59 Come on.

01:59:00 Come on.

01:59:01 Yes.

01:59:03 Seven.

01:59:04 That's a seven.

01:59:05 Dem wins.

01:59:06 Dem wins.

01:59:07 You drop your grip for a second enough to get him to lose his balance,

01:59:10 but with an almost judo-like proficiency, bring him down face and chest first

01:59:14 into the pile of spiky zip parts that are scattered across the back of his skull.

01:59:18 He yells in pain.

01:59:20 You see his head lift up on the mat and it is embedded all over with these tiny little bits of zips.

01:59:25 Little tiny bits of blood are starting to leak from each individual zip indent on his face.

01:59:29 He gets to his feet.

01:59:31 What?

01:59:32 Yes, that's right, he gets to his feet.

01:59:34 God damn it.

01:59:35 He gets to his feet and just starts scraping the bits of zip off his face.

01:59:41 He collects them in his hands, presses them hard into his knuckles.

01:59:46 Whoa!

01:59:47 And then swings for your face.

01:59:49 You can roll on reel for this, though.

01:59:51 Fucking bloodsport.

01:59:53 Yes!

01:59:57 Nine.

01:59:58 Nine, plus reel.

01:59:59 So 11.

02:00:00 His hand collides with your face, you feel this, like, a dozen different sharp pinpricks

02:00:05 as these little bits of zip press into your skin.

02:00:08 His hand retracts, is now clean and empty of bits.

02:00:11 The bits are all embedded in your face.

02:00:13 It just looks fucking rad.

02:00:15 Yes!

02:00:16 You're still standing strong.

02:00:17 Yeah, okay, well, great, I'm just going to go for a full headbutt then.

02:00:20 Yes!

02:00:22 Headbutt is great.

02:00:24 Headbutt's going to be a power roll.

02:00:27 But I've got this shit in my face.

02:00:28 You have, that's a real roll.

02:00:29 Am I real? Let's flip it over.

02:00:30 That's a real roll.

02:00:31 Yes, reel!

02:00:32 Yeah!

02:00:33 Yeah, it's reel.

02:00:34 I'll accept that.

02:00:35 Thanks.

02:00:36 Hells yeah!

02:00:38 Boom!

02:00:39 Your head connects with his, you feel his nose buckle under your forehead.

02:00:43 You hear boom, boom, he steps back a couple of steps,

02:00:46 he's knocked back by the force of your Whipsford kiss.

02:00:50 So metal.

02:00:52 He scrapes again to try and get the bits of zipper out of his face.

02:00:58 What are you doing?

02:00:59 Where is he?

02:01:00 You're both around the centre of the ring at this point.

02:01:02 Okay, cool, and he's just clawing away at his face.

02:01:04 He's getting more zippers out of his face.

02:01:06 I'm going to use this opportunity to get him in a full Nelson

02:01:10 and then I want to see if I can manoeuvre him to the ropes to do my favourite thing,

02:01:13 which is to strangle people till they pass out.

02:01:15 Okay, so a full Nelson is definitely a work roll.

02:01:17 You should never do that.

02:01:19 But here we are, come on, be nice to me.

02:01:21 Yes!

02:01:23 Oh my god!

02:01:25 Amazing, yeah, you zip your arms in behind him,

02:01:28 you manoeuvre your hands around for a full Nelson,

02:01:30 you put the pressure on this guy's body and just start manoeuvring him,

02:01:33 his body forced to respond to the pain you're putting him through.

02:01:36 Boom, boom, step after step, closer and closer to the ropes.

02:01:40 Boom, boom, you put more pressure on his body

02:01:43 and he feels his face and his throat being forced forward as he bends over.

02:01:48 The ring ropes now connect with his throat and he pushed down and down and down

02:01:53 and he starts to choke and gasp.

02:01:55 His arms move away from trying to pull you off him

02:01:58 and just start swinging madly towards you at this point.

02:02:01 What are you doing?

02:02:03 I want to keep him there until he's a little less flaily.

02:02:07 Okay, so you've got him here, great.

02:02:09 I'm going to say that's going to need to be a power roll to keep him here

02:02:12 because you were just exerting pure physical strength on him.

02:02:15 Come on.

02:02:17 Fuck, I should have done that, okay.

02:02:19 You've got this.

02:02:21 That's a six.

02:02:23 Oh!

02:02:25 You feel his body starting to go limp and loose.

02:02:30 It feels like he's starting to pass out.

02:02:32 He's resisting a lot less.

02:02:34 And just as the strength seems to be leaving his body

02:02:37 and you almost unconsciously relieve a little bit of pressure,

02:02:41 he flings himself back up, turns around, grabs you with both arms

02:02:47 and lifts you up into the air ready to hit his finisher,

02:02:51 the survival of the fittest.

02:02:53 What is his finisher?

02:02:55 It's a gorilla pressed into a backbreaker.

02:02:57 He basically lifts you up above his head, high above his head,

02:03:00 arms outstretched and brings you down to base.

02:03:03 So what are we going to have from this?

02:03:06 Is he lifting me up now?

02:03:08 He's lifted you-- okay, we'll say he's lifted you up into the air

02:03:11 because it was a critical success.

02:03:13 You are now held up in the air, high above Apex's head.

02:03:16 It is moments before your already damaged spine is going to be brought down

02:03:19 for probably the fourth time in so many weeks against his rock-solid knee.

02:03:23 What are you going to do?

02:03:25 I'm going to die.

02:03:29 Come on, dead him!

02:03:31 You feel your body being stretched.

02:03:33 You feel your spine in agony as he's almost elongating it

02:03:36 before he brings you down.

02:03:37 He is bellowing into the crowd at this point.

02:03:40 Okay, cool. Well, I am going to reach into my wounds in my head.

02:03:47 I'm going to use-- I'm going to cover my hands in blood

02:03:52 and try and use them as another lubricant to slide out of the grip.

02:03:56 You can roll Unreal for that, for sure. That's super gross.

02:03:59 Really? Ming it.

02:04:03 Damn win?

02:04:08 I'm almost happy that doesn't work.

02:04:11 You should be encouraged.

02:04:13 Er... re-roll?

02:04:19 If you can-- I mean, I wouldn't say bleeding is underhanded,

02:04:22 but you can absolutely do underhanded re-roll if you can find a way

02:04:24 to make this sneaky and devious.

02:04:26 There are still bits of the stiletto in my blood,

02:04:30 and I use them as a really nasty grate in the blood.

02:04:33 It's like an exfoliating--

02:04:35 So you're basically using the ground up bits of stiletto here

02:04:38 that are intermingled with the blood in your head

02:04:40 to give you this nasty pumice-dose grate.

02:04:43 Also, there's quite a lot of pus because they're a little bit infected.

02:04:45 They've been open for a while now, and I haven't really looked after them.

02:04:48 So I really want to also-- while I'm doing that,

02:04:51 can I also put the pus in his eye as well?

02:04:53 Why not?

02:04:55 Damn no.

02:04:57 I've just done this once.

02:04:58 Damn no.

02:04:59 12 pints of milk, mate. Have some respect.

02:05:02 That's real, though, right?

02:05:03 Yeah, it's real.

02:05:04 That's a nine.

02:05:06 Amazing.

02:05:08 So you are being stretched and pulled on this--

02:05:10 Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

02:05:12 This sort of gorilla-press-come-torture-act thing he's put you in at this point.

02:05:16 You manage to get your arms into your now-reopening head wounds.

02:05:20 You manage to pull out some pus, some bits of ground up stiletto,

02:05:23 and just as he's bringing you down towards his knee,

02:05:27 quick as a flash, you thrust your arms out and grind them into his eyes.

02:05:31 He loses his sense of balance and his sense of aim,

02:05:34 and you miss his knee by a fraction of an inch.

02:05:38 And boom, as he just brings you down onto the mat instead.

02:05:40 It's still incredibly painful, but your spine is still fine.

02:05:43 Yay!

02:05:45 I love not having a spine.

02:05:47 And once again, he is trying to pull this crap out of his eyes.

02:05:49 What are you doing?

02:05:50 He's pulling crap out of his eyes.

02:05:51 I just really want to do-- I'm going to get to my feet as quickly as possible.

02:05:54 I am in a lot of pain, but I am mustering every bit of strength,

02:05:56 and I'm going to go for my favorite, favorite thing,

02:05:58 where I'm going to open his face over my knee, just crack it.

02:06:01 Go for it. Real.

02:06:03 Crack it.

02:06:05 Come on, crack it.

02:06:06 Yes!

02:06:08 That is a 11.

02:06:09 Okay, as he's stumbling around and sort of bends forward at some point

02:06:14 just in an attempt to clean his face up, you take advantage of that momentum,

02:06:16 grab his head, and just bring it hard against your knee.

02:06:20 Against your good knee, I see.

02:06:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:06:22 My good knee, that one.

02:06:24 The nose you damaged before just splits,

02:06:27 and blood starts gushing out of Apex's face over your knee and staining your denim.

02:06:31 Gross.

02:06:32 He bellows in fury and pain like a wounded animal.

02:06:34 What are you doing?

02:06:35 I'm going to use this opportunity to do it again,

02:06:38 because I want it to cave in to the point where he chokes on his own blood.

02:06:41 Roll on reel.

02:06:43 Yeah, we'll win.

02:06:45 Dead man.

02:06:46 Murder.

02:06:48 That's enough.

02:06:49 That's an eight.

02:06:51 He flips his head up in an attempt to see his surroundings

02:06:54 and clear some of the blood from his nose.

02:06:56 You just bring his head, boom, back down again on the knee, crack.

02:07:00 You feel on your knee his face turn inwards as he does.

02:07:04 He lets out another howl of anguish.

02:07:06 Concave.

02:07:09 He tries to grab Purchase on the mat and push himself to his feet,

02:07:12 but he can't seem to be able to do it at this point.

02:07:14 One more time.

02:07:15 One more time.

02:07:17 One more time.

02:07:18 One more time.

02:07:21 Yeah, sure, why not?

02:07:22 Yeah!

02:07:23 It's going to die.

02:07:24 Shoot, boot, jump.

02:07:25 Shoot, boot, jump.

02:07:26 Roll on reel.

02:07:27 Come on.

02:07:28 Oh, that's it.

02:07:30 [CHEERING]

02:07:31 13.

02:07:33 Boom.

02:07:34 For a third time, something bursts.

02:07:40 You just feel this kind of inflated pop over your knee.

02:07:43 It's something you don't know what burst,

02:07:45 but it's when some other kind of liquid just leaks out of your clothes.

02:07:50 Once more, boom, boom, these huge hands get under the mat.

02:07:53 He tries to push himself upright and just collapses unconscious on the mat.

02:07:58 I'm going to use this opportunity to get him into a pin.

02:08:02 Pin, pin, pin.

02:08:04 That's 2-6.

02:08:05 Just straight 2-6.

02:08:06 Damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win, damn win.

02:08:09 That's a seven!

02:08:11 One, two, three.

02:08:13 [CHEERING]

02:08:18 Your winner, the new C-British champion, the Denimatrix.

02:08:26 [CHEERING]

02:08:29 Yeah.

02:08:32 Your cheering section erupt in joy and a little bit of toilet goop.

02:08:38 The audience erupt in rapturous applause and cheers.

02:08:42 The whole stadium, the biggest assembled crowd of C-British wrestling fans

02:08:45 in the history of C-British wrestling are chanting your name

02:08:49 and are absolutely elated that you, the Denimatrix, of all people,

02:08:53 now hold the C-British championship belt.

02:08:55 Yes.

02:08:57 Or--

02:08:59 Oh, I'm very excited.

02:09:00 Oh, no.

02:09:02 [GROANING]

02:09:04 Oh, no.

02:09:05 Here he is.

02:09:06 He's fine.

02:09:07 My bad.

02:09:08 Please get together.

02:09:09 [LAUGHTER]

02:09:11 Max, Max, Max.

02:09:13 I'm shimmying about so hard.

02:09:15 The familiar chamber music of QC, the voice of management,

02:09:20 pipes through the crowded stadium.

02:09:23 And now standing on top of the ramp in his perfectly pressed dress trousers,

02:09:27 his barrister silks and his powdered wig, is QC.

02:09:30 He's not carrying his gavel this time, though.

02:09:33 He is carrying something else.

02:09:35 And slung over his shoulder is the C-British championship belt.

02:09:40 Oh!

02:09:41 [SCREAMING]

02:09:43 Yes.

02:09:44 So beautiful.

02:09:45 Oh, my god.

02:09:46 He makes his way down the ramp, up the steps, over the ropes,

02:09:50 and looks you in the eye.

02:09:52 Hi, QC.

02:09:54 Well, well, well.

02:09:59 Denimatrix, I must say, I am very, very

02:10:09 impressed.

02:10:11 Oh, god, QC, that's so lovely.

02:10:15 It has not gone unnoticed behind the doors of management

02:10:21 of just how much the city British wrestling public

02:10:26 seem to be taking a shine to you.

02:10:29 It's the pass.

02:10:30 It's not the pass.

02:10:31 It's not the pass.

02:10:32 It's not the pass.

02:10:33 [LAUGHTER]

02:10:35 It's that one guy.

02:10:36 [LAUGHTER]

02:10:37 In grounds.

02:10:38 [LAUGHTER]

02:10:40 Who would have thought someone as, well, downright bizarre

02:10:47 as yourself would be championship material?

02:10:52 Well--

02:10:53 Material.

02:10:54 [LAUGHTER]

02:10:55 Oh, yes.

02:10:56 I know very well what I'm saying.

02:10:59 [LAUGHTER]

02:11:00 I don't doubt it.

02:11:01 I was just really enjoying it.

02:11:02 [SILENCE]

02:11:05 [MUMBLING]

02:11:09 By order of management themselves and the sacred laws

02:11:14 of city British wrestling, I believe this belongs to you.

02:11:22 I'm so happy.

02:11:23 This is wonderful.

02:11:24 Thank you so much.

02:11:25 This is really great.

02:11:26 That's a lot happier than I thought it would be.

02:11:28 Good work.

02:11:29 I will leave you, Denimatrix, with your public.

02:11:35 But remember this.

02:11:37 We'll be watching you very closely.

02:11:44 Of course you will, you raider.

02:11:46 [LAUGHTER]

02:11:47 And he makes his way out the ring and back up the ramp,

02:11:51 leaving you alone in the center of the ring.

02:11:53 Damn win.

02:11:54 Damn win.

02:11:55 Damn win.

02:11:56 Damn win.

02:11:57 The mic is yours if you want it.

02:11:58 It's very hard to hold both at the same time.

02:12:00 No, not you.

02:12:01 [LAUGHTER]

02:12:03 Plus one heat.

02:12:04 [LAUGHTER]

02:12:06 I welcome my friends into the ring.

02:12:10 We've got Socrates, Pylon, Gerda, and Corral.

02:12:15 [LAUGHTER]

02:12:18 There she is.

02:12:19 All misrepresented but incredible fighters.

02:12:22 And I stand by their side.

02:12:24 I get them to all put their hand on my belt.

02:12:26 That is now a little bit covered in open wounds.

02:12:31 And toilet goop.

02:12:32 [LAUGHTER]

02:12:34 Toilet goop, bits of metal, and whatever Socrates has.

02:12:39 Not even the sweet-smelling fragrance of Socrates

02:12:41 can ever power the smell of grout.

02:12:43 Oh my god, they should be a tag team.

02:12:47 And I step humbled.

02:12:49 I limp, covered in blood.

02:12:52 And all sorts, I take the mic.

02:12:53 And-- I'm genuinely happy.

02:12:59 [LAUGHTER]

02:13:04 Thank you for everyone that didn't turn their back on me

02:13:08 and didn't think I was weird.

02:13:10 I am strange, and my friends are stranger.

02:13:15 But I am so proud to stand with my sisters.

02:13:19 So proud to stand with my friends.

02:13:21 And so proud to be holding this not-denim piece of stuff.

02:13:28 And I will wear it proudly.

02:13:31 And now feel under the reign of total damnation!

02:13:36 [CHEERING]

02:13:41 I raise it, and then my friends carry me out of the ring.

02:13:46 Damn win.

02:13:47 Damn win.

02:13:48 Damn win.

02:13:49 Damn win.

02:13:50 Damn win.

02:13:51 Damn win.

02:13:52 Damn win.

02:13:53 And that's it for this year's Colossal Tussle,

02:13:56 the biggest fight of them all.

02:13:59 We will see you next season?

02:14:02 [LAUGHTER]

02:14:05 So there you have it.

02:14:06 That was the Colossal Tussle.

02:14:08 We hope you loved watching it as much as we loved making it.

02:14:11 We especially want to shout out to our Patreon legends

02:14:15 scrolling across the bottom who have sponsored us

02:14:18 throughout this entire series.

02:14:20 And thank you so much to everyone watching at home

02:14:22 for watching our first season of No Rolls Barred.

02:14:25 We are not entirely sure when season two will be coming

02:14:29 because right now we can't all get into the same room

02:14:32 to record it and ensure the quality that we want to put out on YouTube.

02:14:36 However, if you do follow us on Patreon,

02:14:38 patreon.com/norollsbarred,

02:14:40 we may be experimenting with a couple of livestream formats,

02:14:44 maybe doing some one-shots and one-off special episodes.

02:14:47 So do check us out there.

02:14:49 In the meantime, thanks again for watching.

02:14:51 And don't worry, CBW will be back.

02:14:55 (upbeat music)

The Colossal Tussle | CBW S01E05 | partsFUNknown

Category

Transcript

CBW - S1 | PFK - PartsFunKnown

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