LES AVENTURES DE CAPTAIN BRACKMARD

  • il y a 14 ans
Nouveau ! Captain Brackmard disponible sur iTunes ! http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/id368898087?i=368898174&uo=4

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Transcript
00:00:02CAPTAIN BRACKMARD¨ : RAIDERS OF THE
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xtube? porntube?
I was on Youporn.
Never heard of itis it any good ?
00:00:41It's free, and you can
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up their asses"
Freaking awesome!
ShitI hate diet fucking Coke¨!
00:01:07For fuck's sake...
00:01:16That bitch loves her job.
00:01:20I'm sure she'd love to...
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start jerking off?
-You got a doorbell?-Yeah, for ages...
00:01:39-I've always knocked...
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-A what?
That shit doesn't fit a Wii¨ neither!
Look what i found in your shithole.
-What is it?-A VCR!
00:02:22Is that mine?
00:02:24There is a tape in it...
00:02:29Porn movie... It's yours, definately.
00:03:15-You know them?
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Captain Brackmard¨?
-He is!-He is!
00:06:49You fucking snitch!
00:06:51I told you it's
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I know my rights!
-Don't be so aggressive.-We mean you no harm.
00:07:01We need to talk business.
00:07:02Oh, you have to go trough me, then,
00:07:04and I take 10%.
00:07:06You take 10% of the troubles?
00:07:08Captain Brackmard¨,
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a superior intellect.
We've been folowing youfor a long time,
00:07:21keeping our eyes on you
00:07:23and your talents.
00:07:25Who are we talking about?
00:07:26Obviously, they're talking about me!
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-So did I.
What is Tanis?
Tanis is the place wherethe Crystal Dick© is located!
00:07:48The Crystal Dick?
00:07:50The Crystal Dick...
00:07:53An ancient tool that
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I have no doubt of its existence.
Sexual power over everyone...
Sunds great
as for todayI want "total sexual power"
00:08:15I got to get the girls drunk
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and bring it back to us.
You will be well rewarded.
Now we're talking!
You knock me outand you want me
00:08:32to bring you the Crystal Dick?
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business talk
This is not a requestit's an order!
00:08:41Well, you can stick
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let me nogociate
We're not negociating!No one knocks me out
00:08:55and ties me to a chair!
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-Oh yes.
I don't like being the hostage!
You got 48 hours.
-What an asshole!-What now?
00:09:16We throw him out.
00:09:18-What about me?
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-If it exists
-What about his manager?-Let's rape him.
00:10:29Do we really have to...?
00:10:31If you want I go first.
00:10:34Yeah, sounds much better.
00:10:41Hey, Captain!
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or was it a movie?
See
How's life ?
Wella few gigs here and there
00:10:58Awesome! Let me know where
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you face the "Arc de Triomphe"
Come and see me.
I'll sing for you!
Actuallydid we have sex, or something ?
00:11:27No! You had sex with my mother!
00:11:31Well, give her my best!
00:11:33What was her name?
00:11:34Her name is "forget it".
00:11:36There are two ways to proceed,
00:11:38the easy way and
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You have my manager
And you can take the girlI don't give a shit!
00:12:05What?
00:12:0648 hours is short, and you
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find my notepad
It's gonna take me ages!
If I were you or youi'd let me go right away
00:12:18that would be the best
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Stop it now
Come on
You've been hitting on me since we met up, so give me a piece...
00:13:00Enough! Get off her!
00:13:53Come get some, you fags!
00:13:56Pegasus Ryž Sei Ken!!!
00:14:19Double Harken!
00:14:30Kamehameha!
00:14:34Come on!
00:14:37Shit, I don't have
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go up to my flat.
You need to find a red notepadloaded with notes,
00:15:53schemes and drawings.
00:15:56Got it. Red notepad.
00:15:59It's in a cardboard box,
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through my things!
-She's in!-Good.
00:16:47Hey buddy, Captain
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risky and dangerous
and I thought that maybeyou could give me a hand?
00:17:00I am in the middle of
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only dream about.
Alrigh
I guess I'll have to save the world by myself...
00:17:19Yeah, do that.
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Let's carry on...
"Secret notepad about Tanis"
"Got it"
-She got it.-Great.
00:18:29Damn it, how am I...
00:18:36Josephine!
00:18:40Josephine!
00:18:48What are you doing here?
00:18:50Baby, we've got to talk!
00:18:52I'm so glad to see you.
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I'll tell you everything.
I'm so sorry.
Damn'
Where is he gone?
We've got to stop seeing each other.
00:20:40Really ? Why ?
00:20:45Because of this...
00:20:50I've got the same on
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and I came here
to warn and protect you.
I don't need anyone to protect me.
00:21:09My husband is an
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You kiddin' me?
It's awful and it stinks.
It really does stink.
Smells like...
-Cheese ?-No, more like...
00:21:54Shit.
00:21:57Spunk.
00:21:59And feet.
00:22:02Like in a backroom?
00:22:05Let's get outta here!
00:22:09It's so nice to warn me
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happen to you.
When this is all overyou to satisfy me again.
00:22:19Until then, we should
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in my own shit.
Basically... Yes.
Nice... Thank you.
I'm doing the best that I can
disappear for a while...He will forget all that.
00:22:38Right now he is jealous,
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be looking for the Crystal Dick!
We've been too soft.
We taken a fucking hostage!
You call that fuck face a hostage?
00:23:26We should've kidnapped
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-Yeah
Are you a retard ? Do I haveto repeat myself?
00:24:11No, it's...
00:24:12I'm sorry. I'm a bit
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Not to make love.
How far is it?
-Five minutes from here.-Let's go!
00:24:28-They are moving.
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ask you something?
How about you let me drive?
Why?
I get a bit nervous sittingin the dead man's seat.
00:24:56Am I a bad driver?
00:24:58Man, you're a horrible driver.
00:25:00Earlier in the car, I was close
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-Yeah
-You stalled.-I know.
00:25:30-You stalled again.
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and get it myself?
Sure.
Tell me more about the Crystal Dick.
00:26:29For a while it was all I thought about,
00:26:31I collected anything that
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I didn't need the sexual powers
of the Crystal Dick...I already have them!
00:26:47You're full of it, ain't you?
00:26:50Celia
00:26:51You are young and beautiful,
00:26:54it looks like you have the brains
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I have to rescue him from
you would have seen that no woman in the world
00:27:06is able to resist my
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and as soon as
I try my moves on youyou will kick me out.
00:27:22You are right.
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everything twice
I'm sorry... What is a Magnut?
It's a mixture between a magnetand a nut.
00:27:42It looks like a stone and
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the Crystal Dick.
Brilliant!
Don't go overboard
Look at all the shitI'm in, now...
00:27:56Your notepad contains
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You found the Magnut?
Of course I did!
You know where it is?
When I found it I realizedhow much grief il would bring me
00:28:12so, I threw it away!
00:28:14What's the point
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I thought "I may need it again"
So I did make a note in theback of my notepad
00:28:28of the spot where I left it!
00:28:29Le "Champs de Mars", in
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sooner or later...
-You think he's nailing her?-I don't know.
00:28:53I'd nail her!
00:28:55The dirty way... All inclusive!
00:28:59Wham, bam, check please,
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If Celia liked cock
we'd know about it.
There she is!
-You sure?-100%!
00:29:3417 rue de Paris. Let's go.
00:30:32I'm going to the Eiffel Tower
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quick one before I go.
I already told you : no way.
But you're going on your own?
Hell yeah! I don't need you!I'm a superhero! See?
00:30:53Son of a bitch!
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I'm coming for the ride.
You have no choice!
Usually girls get on my titsafter the sex... Not before.
00:31:21Goddam'
00:31:25Celia, don't let me down!
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and we let you go.
And if I don't tell you where he is?
00:31:59-Then we'll rape you.
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if you both leave
Alright
Sorry for the disturbation.
They're gone?
Yes.
Bitch! You sold me down the river!
Traitor! Bitch! Slut! Cunt!
Let me go you bastards!
Let me kick her crazy bitch face!
00:33:10This is not good! Let's go!
00:33:19Let's go!
00:33:23Celia, sweetheart...
00:33:32That way.
00:33:54Don't move!
00:33:59We got him, Boss.
00:34:01Great.
00:34:17Bring me a glass of water.
00:34:25That way!
00:34:26Why that way?
00:34:27I don't know, I just felt like
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in a french car
We need something decent.Ferrari or Maseratti.
00:34:41I get it...
00:34:43Come back, it's too late.
00:34:59Hang on a second... The girl...
00:35:03He had a notepad when
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We're getting to the final hurdle!
What about the Captain?
The Captain?
He was kidnapped right in front of my eyes,
00:35:32they might be fucking him
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he wants the Crystal Dick.
Whoever took him out did us a massive favor
00:35:56we are just taking advantage of it.
00:35:58Everything will be fine, trust me.
00:36:02Shall we fuck?
00:36:03Later.
00:37:02Now i gotta find him...
00:37:07Where do I start?
00:37:25Josephine...
00:37:34You put our love through a prism
00:37:35You bent it causing a schism
00:37:37Please think of me as a baptism
00:37:40With love juice instead of the chrism
00:37:45Brilliant.
00:37:55Surprise...
00:38:07Here they are. What now?
00:38:08Follow them. I go
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be able to break it down.
Hang on... Why are you here?
00:39:15You were supposed to tail them.
00:39:17They got away by car,
00:39:18Second time we've been
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the whole country!
You are such a disappointment.
Look
Don't speak. Too many lieshave come out of your mouth!
00:40:17You seriously thought you could
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a little conversation.
I heard you're a real hip superhero
I am the President
I'm not hip
I won't ask you much
I bet you can nail anything that moves
00:41:24and even if Josephine is the best
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leave Josephine alone
I know how muchyou mean to her
00:41:46but stay away from her and
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been doing together.
-You see what I do for you?-Yes.
00:42:01Are you out of your mind?
00:42:02I love Josephine, and I'm not
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even fucking know about!
A dude?
I'm her husband.
Oh
I never voted for you anyway!
You're talking to me?
There is no one else aroundYes, I'm talking to you.
00:42:33Listen carefully, you butt face
00:42:36The last person
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my request
I am going to emasculate you.
00:42:48That will be your punishment.
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already caught them
Shut up.
God this car is shit!
Move away!
-Watch out.-Don't worry.
00:43:37Shit, they stopped!
00:43:39Go past them and park
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into hardcore lesbians
And we will fuck them all!
All the babes in Hollywood!Scarlett Johanson...
00:44:24Angelina Jolie!
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-How does that work?
"Ask a question"
Where is the Crystal Dick?
Oh my god!
What the hell is this?
"In the Captain's briefs"
No way.
Where is the Captain
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Having a nice evening stroll?
Give us the Crystal Dick right now!
No! Come on!
They are running away!
Let them go!You search with me!
00:45:35It looks like a dick.
00:45:39Cristal.
00:45:55I just found something on Wikipedia.
00:46:04...Magic powers...
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Come give me a cuddle.
No way!
YesGimme a cuddle.
00:46:38-Get down on all fours.
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get te fuck outta here.
There it is!
This is not the Crystl Dick!What is it?
00:47:22"The Magnut"
00:47:24The Magnut?
00:47:26What's that for?
00:47:28Is that what girls threw away?
00:47:46-Charlie?
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I stick my fingers in her mouth!
Your fingers?
You don't know where my fingers have been...
00:48:06Don't you ever forget
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Meat Packing district.
Let me go!
I did all this to save you
Captain I only did it to save you!
I was this close from beating him!You fucked it all up!
00:48:54You forgot to say thank you
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Captain Brackmard.
He left some time ago.
Where is he gone?
I don't know... Home?
Sowhat did I see in front of me?
00:50:56A door! I slowly opened it,
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I pulled a few karate moves on them
I did karate in high schooland remeber quite a lot of it,
00:51:08You'd have loved it so much!
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went on my way
I thought "let's seeif he's around his place"
00:51:48What's wrong with you?
00:51:51you haven't said a word
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how you escaped
You said you fucked themright in the ass.
00:52:28Well I did not mean it
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if you wanted to...
we could try something
You and I?
Yeah
Another one falls underCaptain's spell!
00:53:13I don't give a flying shit
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-For real!
Wellwritten on this rock,
00:53:29It's in your pants,
00:53:32my dear superhero.
00:53:36Say what?
00:53:38It's time to tell the truth.
00:53:46Alright, it's true, I've always
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was pretty easy.
I kept it because i want tonail any pussy that moves,
00:54:07And thanks to its power, no woman
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and your girlfriends
I'm able to spot any dikethe second I see it!
00:54:22I thought you were connected
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to find the Crystal Dick
It's the only one that knows.
Where is the Crystal Dick?
So?
In the president's hands.
He is the one who stole it from me.
You seeclose to you from the beginning
00:55:05all you had to do was to
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the only power he lacked.
Now I understand everything.
So... Shall we fuck
No. We go back there.
What about him?
Him?
That piece of shit?
You got that wrong this time :
All those yearswas drawing women o my nutsack
00:55:42like flies on horseshit,
00:55:44I had forgotten that I can
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the Crystal Dick
It means everything is possibleand I don't need it anymore.
00:55:58So you may think I'm a piece of shit
00:56:01But Celia thinks otherwise,
00:56:03therefore, I win.
00:56:05-Can we go now?
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200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
722
723
you dirty ass crazy bitch!
So long.
Well done
You got rid of the girls
But I don't believe a wordof your stories about
00:56:40Magnuts, stones and presidents.
00:56:41It is all true.
00:56:42Our mission is to get the Crystal Dick
00:56:45not to listen your bullshit.
00:56:46A mission?
00:56:48Are you working for someone?
00:56:50Is he paying for services rendered?
00:56:53We might do.
00:56:55Who is he?
00:56:58Our boss is very discrete
00:57:00he got in touch with us
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
741
the Crystal Dick is!
If I were you guys
'cause it looks like the three chicksgot a head start.
00:57:18You are the one who has to
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
749
locked up.
No
Come onput me on the line
00:57:41I can work this out.
00:57:57Oh, sorry.
00:57:59I should have set it to vibrate.
00:58:01Picked up and hung up,
00:58:03I try again.
00:58:11Ringin'
00:58:21So it was you?
00:58:24Hang on a minute, Captain,
00:58:27I don't want any
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
764
Brackmard
-Crystal dick has been stolen from him-Bummer
00:58:41Who are you talking to?
00:58:43It's my mum.
00:58:46Boss?
00:58:47-Let me speak to her.
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
778
779
780
781
782
783
all in one man...
I thought that I too couldpretend to have it all,
00:59:35and not to be left,
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
787
who smell vodka an urin.
When I heard of the Crystal DickI immediately started to look for it.
00:59:48How did I fail to see that
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
792
793
794
795
by your side
to fight the forces of evil.
Shame on you.
What an horrible day
I lost everything I had!
So what's left for us?
We stop everything and wetake our money!
01:00:29Are you kiddin' me?
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
805
And faster!
If you have been smarter
my friend would not be ina world of shit.
01:00:47Your friend?
01:00:48You keep calling him your friend?
01:00:50Yes, my friend.
01:00:53My friend the almighty
200:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,200
813
We are blocking the door!
Through the window!
We'd have seen that too!
We all saw him a second agositting right there?
01:01:20He could not disappear like that!
01:01:23So, where's he gone, then?
01:01:34Where is he?
01:01:38To be continued
01:01:50Translation : Dr FrŸd & Will Mount
01:01:54Adaptation & Subtitling : Pascal Jaubert

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