Katherine Parkinson is host, with guest panellists comedian Julian Clary and journalist Jemima Kelly joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Catherine Parkinson.
00:41In the news this week, Ed Davey regrets agreeing to a photo op
00:45that represents the Lib Dem's sensible middle cause between left and right.
00:48In London, there's an unfortunate first outing in front of the press
01:01for the newly appointed junior minister for sport.
01:11And in Manchester, the sun shines for the second day in a row.
01:18LAUGHTER
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a journalist with the Financial Times
01:26who once hosted a podcast called A Skeptic's Guide to Crypto,
01:30for which she was paid an absolute fortune and which is now worth 25p.
01:34Please welcome Jemima Kelly.
01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:45better placed than most to assess the current Labour government,
01:47appearing as he has in several high-profile pantomimes.
01:51Please welcome Julian Clary.
01:54Could have been well.
01:58We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:01Ian and Jemima, here's yours.
02:05Steelworks, management burning all the records.
02:08Get him in!
02:09Angela Rayner looking charming in a hard hat.
02:13That's she-waving.
02:16We've taken back control over the steel industry, haven't we?
02:20We have.
02:21British steel is British once more.
02:24Except it's owned by the Chinese.
02:26Except not...
02:26Yeah.
02:27And then we had to recall Parliament.
02:29They worked on a Saturday, the MPs.
02:31Mm.
02:31And it worked.
02:32Apparently that was the first time since the Falklands War
02:36that they did that on a Saturday.
02:37Really?
02:38Which is really quite a long time.
02:40I was the views that Jonathan Reynolds went up to Immingham
02:43to see all this stuff being, you know, taken off ships
02:46in order, apparently, to make Britain, you know, self-reliant.
02:50And all this stuff had apparently come in from, like,
02:52Japan, America and Australia, I think.
02:56Yeah, but it's British in the sense that
02:58we import it from other countries, we take it to a plant owned
03:02by the Chinese, then we do something or other...
03:05We put Made in Britain on it.
03:07Yes.
03:07And it's virgin steel.
03:09That sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel.
03:13Are you in it?
03:14Not yet.
03:16Yeah, you're right.
03:18This is the government's rescue of the British steel industry
03:21in the nick of time.
03:23The Chinese owners appear to be actively running down
03:25the blast furnaces at Statenpool.
03:26Have you only proof of that?
03:27Erm, no.
03:29Er, what were the...
03:31I think that's a disgraceful accusation.
03:35They were, the Chinese management were trying to close it down
03:39without anyone noticing.
03:40And the government had to step in.
03:42It was quite exciting.
03:45What was the proof you have of that?
03:47Oh, I have proof, yeah.
03:49I was invited into a Chinese security WhatsApp group.
03:54I'm also on that group!
03:55It's all very educational, isn't it?
03:58Yeah, yeah.
03:59I'm glad I came.
04:00Yeah.
04:02Why is it all so touch and go in Scunthorpe?
04:05Because if you let the steelworks stop,
04:08then you can't start them again.
04:09That's right.
04:10It would be incredibly difficult to restart them.
04:12The molten steel would cool down and solidify in a big lump.
04:17So, in order to prevent this, according to the Times,
04:21a hole must be drilled in the bottom of the furnace
04:23so the slag can run.
04:25That does sound like the plot of a Jilly Cooper.
04:30That one I'll be in.
04:34With Danny Dyer, you slag.
04:38Do you remember Rishi Sunak?
04:41Yes.
04:41Yes.
04:42If you do, yes.
04:43Yes.
04:43Yes.
04:44He was the one before...
04:46Oh, which one was it?
04:48His resignation honours list was released this week.
04:53Any notable elevations?
04:55Jeremy Hunt is a sir, a knight.
04:58And somebody else was as well.
04:59Lord Gove.
05:01Lord Gove.
05:01Yes.
05:02Lord Gove.
05:02I know.
05:05Yes, he will be taking ermine and he's taken a lot of things.
05:13Didn't this trust get a little something for her trouble?
05:18A little gift bag.
05:23Did you notice any of Rishi Sunak's former co-workers
05:26in the news this week?
05:27Did he have co-workers?
05:2915 people, including Rishi Sunak's personal aid,
05:32have been charged with gambling offences.
05:34Oh, yes.
05:34Oh, yes.
05:35Yeah.
05:35After allegedly placing bets on the timing of last year's
05:38general election, they haven't been charged with betting
05:40on the Tories to lose the election,
05:42as that information was already in the public domain.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45Here is Sunak's aide, Craig Williams,
05:49being doorstepped by BBC News.
05:51Did you have inside information when you placed your bet
05:54on the election date?
05:55I made a statement.
05:56It's an independent process with the gambling commission now.
05:59I won't be expanding on that statement.
06:00Did you have any inside information when you made the bet?
06:03A huge error of judgment.
06:06He's clearly not doing very well.
06:07He's had to sell the sleeves to his jacket.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10Well, that's a gilet, which is another error of judgment.
06:14Yeah, yeah.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16That's true.
06:18APPLAUSE
06:18Do you remember Liz Truss?
06:25No.
06:28What has she just announced?
06:30She's going to start her own social media business.
06:34We'll see how long that lasts.
06:35Yeah.
06:37That's right.
06:38She's launching her own social media platform
06:41that will be completely uncensored.
06:43She told a political action conference in Washington,
06:46we've seen what independent media has done for the United States
06:49and we want some of them.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:52You've probably never heard of Andrew Griffith.
06:55Andrew Griffith? Andy!
06:57Oh.
06:58Do you know him?
06:59Yeah, Andy Griffith.
06:59Yeah, lovely.
07:00You might have heard what you said about the Lib Dems recently.
07:03Yeah.
07:03Oh, can we see a picture of him?
07:04Yeah.
07:06Oh.
07:07Everything I hoped for.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11It's a sort of face you could turn upside down
07:15and it would still work as a face.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:19He was asked if the Conservatives would do a deal
07:26with extremists in the Reform Party and he said,
07:28Lib Dems are extremists.
07:30When their councillors get in, they promote four-day weeks
07:32and veganism.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35An outrageous slur, and here's the evidence to prove it.
07:39There's this guy.
07:41He's called President Trump.
07:42And he's messing with our trade and he's hurting us.
07:45Liberal Democrats say,
07:47Fight back.
07:48Buy British.
07:49And so, I'm here in the Highlands in Scotland
07:51and I'm saying,
07:53Buy square sausage.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55Have you ever had a square sausage?
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59It's between me and my husband.
08:03Yeah.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:05Why does Ed Davis have to say,
08:08Hurtin?
08:09LAUGHTER
08:09I was really focused on his dancing, actually.
08:12I thought he was being tasered.
08:15That was dancing, was it?
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17LAUGHTER
08:18Do you want to see another...
08:24No.
08:24..of Ed Davis's...
08:26You know, his career, you're going to see it
08:28as a serious politician.
08:29Here we go.
08:30I'll go in.
08:30Hi, guys.
08:31I'm here in Shrewsbury Market.
08:34It's a bigly market.
08:35It's doing great stuff.
08:37Come and buy your things from here.
08:39But you know that guy, President Trump,
08:41he's been panicking the markets.
08:43We're not panicking here.
08:45We're buying British in Shrewsbury.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48Wow.
08:50What's the matter with him?
08:52No.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54He did it again.
08:56Panicking.
08:57It's like a ramekin.
08:59He may be from the provinces.
09:02Yeah.
09:04How are the Labour Council of Birmingham
09:07doing with the bin strike?
09:09Not well.
09:10Yeah, not too well.
09:11It's still going on.
09:13And the rats are now 17 feet.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:17The veteran war correspondent, Kate Adie,
09:21had more bad news for Birmingham this week.
09:23What was that?
09:24She's going to visit.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26No, the BBC had a secret list of the most disliked accents
09:33and Brummie comes top.
09:35Aw.
09:36Do you agree?
09:36Do you like the Birmingham accent?
09:37I don't.
09:37I actually...
09:38I'm a fan.
09:40I like a Birmingham accent.
09:41It sounds like they're underwater, doesn't it?
09:44LAUGHTER
09:45I don't know.
09:46No.
09:46No.
09:46No, no, no, no, no.
09:48Kate Adie was speaking at an event donating her personal archive
09:52to Sunderland University.
09:54She told a story about her most terrifying moment
09:57as a war reporter.
09:58Do you know what this was?
10:00Um, no, we don't.
10:02I was reporting from Belfast
10:04and I thought I'd been shot in the face.
10:06I dropped down and assumed I was going to die
10:08until my cameraman said,
10:10get up, you've been hit by a potato.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:13Actually, I do have a Brummie joke for you.
10:17What do you call a Brummie who installs TV aerials?
10:23Antennae.
10:25LAUGHTER
10:25LAUGHTER
10:27The answer's on a postcard, I think.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:32There's another Brummie joke.
10:42Sort of, I went to a fancy dress party
10:44and the theme was spice,
10:45so I went as this red pepper
10:46and everybody else went as an astronaut.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50Spice.
10:52Spice.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56Red pepper isn't a spice thing.
10:58I know, I couldn't think...
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00Let yourself down there.
11:03Yeah, let yourself down, all right.
11:04What shall I have to say?
11:06Well, cumin or something.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:08I went to a fancy dress party the other day
11:11and the theme was spice,
11:13so I went as a cumin.
11:14LAUGHTER
11:15And when I went to the door,
11:17they said cumin.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19APPLAUSE
11:21This is a government's rescue
11:25of Scunthorpe steelworks
11:26just before the plant's furnaces were shut down.
11:29Following a speech to steelworkers
11:31who had somehow kept the furnaces
11:32at their plant going,
11:34Keir Starmer received a standing ovation,
11:36mainly because they'd had to burn all the chairs.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40Business secretary Jonathan Reynolds
11:42has had to formally apologise
11:43after wrongly referring to himself
11:45as an ex-solicitor.
11:48You have to be accurate about these things,
11:50said former world snooker champion Rachel Reeves.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:53Paul and Julian, here's yours.
11:57Right.
11:59Oh, blimey.
12:00Is it Geoff?
12:02Geoff Bezos, a rocket going up into the air
12:04and it's...
12:05Katy Perry.
12:06Katy Perry kissing the ground
12:07and there's Amazon delivering.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:10Personally.
12:12So what do you think this is, Julian?
12:13I think this is to do with the trip up in a rocket,
12:17which they were very excited about.
12:20Overexcited, some would say.
12:21Yeah, there was a lot of screaming
12:23as they were coming down about the parachute.
12:25They were very excited.
12:27That's right, yeah.
12:27This is the news that for an all-too-brief 11 minutes,
12:31Katy Perry was blasted into space.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:34They say in space,
12:37no-one can hear you scream.
12:39Sadly, it turns out that's not true.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42You hear that screaming inside the capsule?
12:47It's a very soft, soft landing
12:49despite the sporty, uh, perception.
12:52There it is.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:54LAUGHTER
12:54Who were the commentators?
13:01Was it one of the Kardashians?
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03What was notable about the Blue Origin spaceflight?
13:07Well, it's the first all-female crew
13:09to go into, technically, into outer space.
13:11Which I think is a nice idea.
13:12I'm going to get on to that, Geoff,
13:14and see if we couldn't have an all-homosexual flight.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18Who would you have going?
13:19It would be me.
13:20Yeah.
13:21Craig Revel Horwood.
13:22Yeah.
13:23Christopher Biggins.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25Yeah, you can't go to space without Christopher Biggins.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29And Alan Titchmarsh.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31APPLAUSE
13:33I don't think Alan Titchmarsh is homosexual.
13:39He will be by the time we come down.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:43Look at that for nothing.
13:44Oh, no.
13:46What, in 11 minutes?
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49The rocket won't be the only thing making a re-entry,
13:51I can tell you that.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:54Owned by billionaire Amazon owner Geoff Bezos...
13:57Bozos, I think it's pronounced.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00It was the first all-female spaceflight since 1963.
14:04Oh, yes.
14:05Passengers included Geoff Bezos's fiancée, Lauren Sanchez,
14:08and singer Katy Perry.
14:10They were weightless for four minutes.
14:12Let's see them.
14:13Oh, the moon!
14:14You guys, I have to tell you, look at the moon.
14:17Wow.
14:18That's amazing.
14:20Oh, my gosh!
14:23Was that a butterfly?
14:25That was her set list for her forthcoming tour.
14:27Yes.
14:28She happened to take the opportunity to publicise.
14:30Yes.
14:31There was a very good report of them.
14:33They said all of them screamed,
14:35gosh, I can see the moon,
14:36and the report ended,
14:37wait till they go outside when they get home.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:42What did Gayle King, US Morning Show host and a nervous flyer,
14:48say as she emerged from the capsule after landing back on Earth?
14:51I'm so glad to be back on Earth.
14:52Yeah.
14:53She said, I would just like to have a moment with the ground.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57We've all been there.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:04Gayle King was quite offended afterwards
15:06that people were calling it a ride.
15:08She said, this is not a ride, you know, and Katy Perry said the same thing.
15:11She said, a ride makes it sound frivolous.
15:13This was no frivolous thing.
15:15And, you know, they're all saying that if it was male astronauts
15:17that they would have never called it a ride.
15:19It would have been a flight or a journey,
15:21and Katy Perry said, her whole life is a journey.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25And this was just part of it.
15:26It's a journey into love.
15:28And you can see, by the way,
15:29that she holds up her set list on that butterfly.
15:32Yeah.
15:33For her upcoming tour, she's just so connected.
15:35Incredibly profound.
15:36It must be quite an experience, though,
15:38to look down and see the planet Earth up from, you know,
15:40down that way.
15:41It must be quite something,
15:42something you'll never forget.
15:43No, I'd like to do it.
15:44Would you?
15:45I'd love to do it, yeah.
15:46If Alan's not up for it.
15:48Yeah.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:51Be real, be.
15:52Yeah.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:55Shall we take a look at the rocket?
15:57Oh, there we are.
15:58Send that postcard to Alan and he'll be straight with you.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01What did Yvonne from Flincher have to say about it
16:04on the Channel 5 phone-in show?
16:06Oh.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:08I missed that.
16:09I don't know.
16:10No, I don't know either, no.
16:11Yvonne wasn't happy.
16:12Most upsetting thing, I think, is the shape of the rocket.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:18It was obviously phallic.
16:20And I found it self-indulgent and disgusting, quite honestly.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26I mean, surely they would work out the best shape for space flight, Yvonne?
16:33It wouldn't be all with that thought in their head,
16:35otherwise it wouldn't work.
16:37It wouldn't fly.
16:38I've never seen a rocket shaped like this before.
16:41I mean, they're all kind of phallic to a certain extent, aren't they?
16:45This is especially phallic.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:50APPLAUSE
16:52All the headlines referred to them as an all-female crew,
16:58but what wasn't strictly accurate about those headlines?
17:01They weren't actually running the ship.
17:03Yeah, they weren't.
17:04It was a sort of driverless rocket.
17:06It was a self-flying rocket, although Katy Perry said she'd trained for the flight
17:10by listening to an audio book of Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:14Reading a book on string theory
17:16and was already well prepared as she was very interested in astrology.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21And you want to hear some more of this sort of thing, so have this.
17:25How do you feel?
17:26I feel super connected to love.
17:30So connected to love.
17:32I think this experience has shown me,
17:35you never know how much love is inside of you,
17:38like how much love you have to give,
17:41and how loved you are until the day you launch.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:48That should be the day you lunch.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:52As I descended, Katy Perry sang the Louis Armstrong classic,
17:56What a Wonderful World,
17:57at which point more screaming could be heard.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00Let's see how commentators prepared viewers
18:02for what was about to happen.
18:03And Katy Perry did say that she was going to sing in space.
18:08I'm waiting for it.
18:09I'm waiting for it.
18:10One minute warning.
18:11One minute warning.
18:12One minute warning.
18:13Do you think she thought Louis Armstrong
18:17was the first man on this?
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20Those would have been good first words on the moon.
18:22That would have been good.
18:23I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
18:24What a wonderful world.
18:25Yeah.
18:26That would have been all right, wouldn't it?
18:27Because he got it wrong, didn't he, famously,
18:28Neil Armstrong?
18:29Yeah.
18:30One small step for man is what he said.
18:31He only meant a man.
18:32He should have said a man, yeah.
18:33Yeah.
18:34This is a current affairs programme.
18:35Yeah.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:37I'm glad you're paying attention.
18:41There was quite a lot of emphasis on the outfits,
18:44wasn't there?
18:45Here they are in their jumpsuits.
18:47When I go up with Alan Titchmarsh.
18:50Yeah.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52He's going to wear a miniskirt.
18:55Is he?
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57This is a current affairs programme.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:04There he is.
19:05It was.
19:06Yeah.
19:07This is the all-female trip into space
19:10on Amazon's Blue Origin rocket.
19:12Lauren Sanchez described experiencing profound awe
19:16as she looked out of the window and saw the moon.
19:19Turns out they'd only gone a few feet
19:20and that was just Geoff's head.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:24Time now for round two.
19:26And with several Tories and police officers
19:28being charged with gambling offences,
19:30it's perhaps not the best time to employ
19:32the one-armed bandit of news.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:44Oh.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46When I pressed the button,
19:47he wasn't wearing a beret or holding a pallet.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:50Um, right, so there's these rats
19:52that have been doing these paintings,
19:53which have gone extremely well.
19:54What they do is they dip the rats in the blue paint
19:56and they walk across the canvas
19:57and somebody in New York Art Gallery
19:59has paid £12 million
20:00with this huge canvas that's rat-based.
20:02Yeah.
20:03Yeah, what do you mean, yeah?
20:04Can't be right.
20:05This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset
20:07have launched their painting career.
20:08No, they haven't.
20:09They haven't launched it.
20:11Somebody else has done it.
20:13You know, I don't think we can say
20:15what the rats are thinking.
20:16We can say what they're not thinking.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19I can't afford to get to Birmingham
20:20so I might as well become an artist.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:23In Somerset.
20:24How are these artworks created by the rats?
20:28By dipping the rats in the paint
20:29and having them walking across canvas.
20:31With their tail?
20:32Yeah, yeah.
20:33Passing through a bath of water-based paint
20:35and are then guided onto a miniature canvas.
20:37Have you done some of these paintings?
20:39Well, it's either that
20:40or giving them lessons in perspective.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42I imagine it's just dipping them in paint
20:44and then shoving them across something.
20:45Yeah.
20:46Yes, that's exactly right.
20:47Shall we have a look at the rats' masterpiece?
20:48Yeah, go on then.
20:49Yes.
20:50Here we go.
20:51Wow!
20:52Oh, no, he's proud of it.
20:53They say he's proud.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Let's have a look at another.
20:57They're all Jackson bollocks.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:01Rat, goth, that doesn't really work.
21:03How...
21:04Rat, goth?
21:05Well, that's the standard.
21:06All right.
21:07Rat, casso.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09That's what they're aiming for.
21:11Yeah.
21:12Yeah.
21:13Leonardo de Rat.
21:15Yeah.
21:16Why are the rats doing this?
21:19Because they're made to for food.
21:21Well, their owner, Steph Toogood, told the BBC she wants to shift
21:25people's opinions of rats, saying,
21:27A lot of people have come to me and said that what I do
21:29with the photos I share has changed their perception of rats.
21:32How many of those people were from Birmingham?
21:35LAUGHTER
21:36How many rats does Steph employ?
21:3948.
21:40Six.
21:41She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
21:43Oh, really? What did the other do? Sculpt?
21:45Uh...
21:46LAUGHTER
21:48APPLAUSE
21:50What special services does Steph offer?
21:55Oh, I don't know about that.
21:57BUYERS can choose which rat they want to create their painting,
22:00but only when the number of orders is at a manageable level,
22:04which is always.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07These are the rats in Somerset that have launched a painting career.
22:11Owner Steph Toogood says that her rats love to paint pictures,
22:14adding,
22:15If they show any sign of unwillingness, stop.
22:17And then she gets out her special shovel.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20Online shoppers can buy a piece of Miss Toogood's rat art
22:23for £35.
22:25In return, you get a unique painting, a certificate of authenticity
22:28and a nasty case of Viles disease.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:34BUYERS
22:40Oh, well, this is the tariff trade wars.
22:42JD Vance the other day made a remarkable comment where he said,
22:46we're not on anybody's side, we're on America's side.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:51What's the JD stand for? Do we know? Is it Jumbo Dickhead?
22:53I've no idea.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55Does anybody know? Do you know what it is?
22:57Jack Daniels.
22:58Jack Daniels.
22:59APPLAUSE
23:00Yeah, the trade war going on at the moment,
23:02Trump doesn't know where he is, he just makes stuff up,
23:04he just says this, he says that.
23:05The Chinese are just sort of, like, very angry.
23:07If I had to choose...
23:08Yes.
23:09..who to trade with...
23:11Yeah.
23:12..if I was Taiwan...
23:13Yeah.
23:14..and who's to say I'm not...
23:15Yeah.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17He's got a nice face.
23:18I like the Chinese man's face.
23:20Nice face.
23:21Warm personality, do you think?
23:23Well, compared to the other one.
23:24Oh, well, yeah.
23:25Compared to Trump.
23:26Yeah.
23:27I've just been reading the book about Trump's golfing habits
23:30and he just cheats openly at golf all the time.
23:32Like, what he does, he tees off and he gets in his golf cart
23:35and he'll sort of, like, if his opponents hit a really good ball
23:37down the fairway, he'll play that as his own ball.
23:39Yeah.
23:40It's called the Golf of America.
23:41Yeah.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:47He just cheats all the time.
23:48Paul will be appearing in El Salvador.
23:50Yeah.
23:54It's a new musical.
23:55So, I mean, what's the tariff now on China?
23:58Is it 145?
24:00245%.
24:01Oh, wow.
24:02Do you think he knows what he's doing?
24:03Sure.
24:06Have you met Trump?
24:07I have met Trump.
24:08Oh, hello.
24:09Here we go.
24:10What do you like?
24:11He was wearing his golf outfit when I first met him,
24:14when he was, like, he...
24:15Was there a whiff of sulphur about him?
24:19I was having a luncheon in Mar-a-Lago, as you do.
24:22Oh, yeah.
24:23Yeah.
24:24And I knew that he was arriving because I think he considers
24:28himself as a bit of a king, doesn't he?
24:30You know, that's his palace.
24:31And so, as kings in the past have done, he requests that the music
24:36be turned up very loud when he comes in to his own house.
24:40You know, when it's...
24:41I do like the idea of music being turned up before you walk
24:43into a room.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Would you phone my husband?
24:49And say, get Dusty Springfield on.
24:53It's been a bad week for JD Vance, who's mentioned there.
24:56What's he been up to?
24:57No good.
24:58No good.
24:59And presenting his old university, Ohio State.
25:01Oh, yes, he dropped a trophy, didn't he?
25:02Yes.
25:03Dropped a trophy, yeah.
25:04Here's how it went.
25:11It's a fantastic metaphor, isn't it?
25:14Safe pair of...
25:16Oh!
25:17Which institution has Trump got a problem with?
25:21Democracy.
25:22That's right.
25:23Also Harvard University.
25:24Oh, yes, Harvard University, yes, yes.
25:25He's been drawing their funding.
25:26That's right.
25:27Trump demanded that they abolish diversity, equality and inclusion programs
25:30in staff hiring and admissions, or lose its tax-exempt status.
25:33But Harvard refused, so the government has now frozen Harvard's
25:35$2 billion of federal funding.
25:36Yes.
25:37I mean, he's going for the universities and he's done lawyers,
25:39he's done the press.
25:40I mean, you could argue that he's a straightforward fascist.
25:44Yeah, you could.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Yeah, you could.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Is there some balance coming?
25:49There is.
25:50There is.
25:51He's not a straightforward fascist.
25:52Thank you very much.
25:53He's sort of devious fascist.
25:55Well, he's got a great new policy proposal here.
25:57Does anyone know what the government is doing?
25:59He's not a straightforward fascist.
26:00Well, thank you very much.
26:02He's sort of devious fascist.
26:04Well, he's got a great new policy proposal here.
26:07There's a policy proposal here. Does anyone know what that might be?
26:11Something donkers? What is it?
26:13He's making showers great again.
26:15Oh, yes, yes.
26:16He says it takes a long time for him to get his beautiful hair wet.
26:19That's right. According to The Guardian,
26:21Trump is sick of low water pressure,
26:23so he's planning to reverse restrictions introduced by Obama and Biden
26:26on how much water flow can pass through a shower head.
26:29Here's what he had to say.
26:31In my case, I like to take a nice shower
26:34to take care of my beautiful hair.
26:36I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes till it gets wet.
26:40It comes out drip, drip, drip.
26:42It's ridiculous.
26:44I'm really with him on that.
26:46Are you? I like a...
26:48Are you often in a shower with Donald Trump?
26:50I would like a shower. I would like a shower with Donald Trump.
26:52Have you experienced a drip, drip, drip sensation?
26:54I do.
26:56Oh.
26:58He also, have you heard he wants to create more daylight?
27:01Yes.
27:02What, between his ears?
27:04But how is he going...
27:06So he's going to bend over more often.
27:08He wants to stay on daylight, saving time all year round
27:12and scrap changing the clocks, which he calls a big inconvenience,
27:15mainly because he doesn't understand it.
27:18How's Trump's education secretary and former wrestling star,
27:22Linda McMahon, getting on in her role?
27:25Oh, she's doing really well because she's telling people
27:27not to be worried about A1.
27:29That's right.
27:31A1 is a system which can be used to help humanity.
27:34We don't fear A1 because A1 has got a lot to offer us all.
27:38That's right. Here she is.
27:40You think I'm joking, don't you?
27:42Yes, take a look.
27:43There is a school system that's going to start making sure that
27:47first graders or even pre-Ks have A1 teaching, you know,
27:51every year starting, you know, that far down in the grade.
27:54Well, he wants to shut down Harvard.
27:56Why are the others nodding along?
28:01They're just confirming their own personal view
28:04that this woman's an idiot.
28:06On the subject of A1...
28:09Yes.
28:10It's amazing what it can do.
28:11Yes.
28:12Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
28:15No!
28:17Yes.
28:18No! Oh, thank you!
28:20Well...
28:21Go on, then.
28:22Here you are, Ian.
28:27That's good!
28:28Oh!
28:29I like that.
28:31It's good.
28:32And, Paul, here's one of you.
28:37They look so benign, don't they?
28:38Maybe we could do this to world leaders to make them seem less
28:41threatening.
28:42Here's Xi Jinping.
28:46Here's Putin.
28:48He's not a bad guy.
28:51And here's Trump.
28:53This is another week of turmoil courtesy of Donald Trump.
29:02There are fears the trade war with America could make the Chinese
29:05president so unpopular that his approval rating could slump to 98%.
29:10Kleiner has warned that tariffs will make Trump a laughing stock.
29:15As the saying goes, that ship has sailed, docked, the passengers have
29:18disembarked, they've wandered round the shops in the old town, re-boarded,
29:22everyone's called the norovirus, it's made its return voyage and docked
29:25again twice.
29:28Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Jemima with two,
29:32and Paul and Julian with four.
29:35Four.
29:43Time now for the odd one-out round, just one between you this week.
29:46Your four are Donald Trump, a Range Rover, a ferry in Scotland
29:49and a person weighing seven stone nine pounds in Beijing.
29:55Donald Trump this week had his medical report issued,
29:58which claimed he weighed a certain amount and that he was a certain
30:01height.
30:02So I think this is probably something to do with size, isn't it?
30:05Yes.
30:06Is it weight?
30:07Because the Chinese government told people who weighed less than eight
30:10stone not to go out because it's really windy.
30:12Oh!
30:13Right.
30:14That's right.
30:15And then get blown away.
30:19So I didn't go out.
30:22That's exactly right.
30:23At the weekend, Chinese authorities warned people in the north of the
30:26country who weighed seven stone nine pounds or less, that's about 50
30:30kilograms, to stay indoors because strong winds meant they could be
30:34easily blown away.
30:35Yes.
30:36There's a port in Scotland somewhere.
30:38Yes.
30:39Or unless the ships are getting so big, but they can't fit in.
30:43And the Range Rovers, I imagine, has sort of become...
30:46Cars are getting bigger, so they're getting heavier.
30:48So that's about size.
30:49So is she the odd one out because she's the one that couldn't go outside?
30:53They are all too big, apart from a person weighing seven stone nine
30:56pounds in Beijing who may be too small.
30:59The ferry in Ardrossan in Scotland is too big because it can't fit in
31:02the port, and angry locals have been waiting for years for two new
31:05ferries to operate the daily service to the Isle of Arran, but they
31:08have been beset by a series of failures.
31:10According to Sky News, the new vessels cost 400 million pounds,
31:13quadruple their original price tag.
31:15One was delivered seven years late, the other is still being built,
31:19and both are too big to fit in the harbour.
31:22So it's going to cost another 80 million pounds for the jetty
31:25to be upgraded.
31:26Blimey.
31:27This was when the SNP was saying they could do infrastructure
31:30much better than the government in Westminster.
31:33And how are people having to make the journey in the meantime?
31:36Swim.
31:38According to Mail Online, the ferries are now out of Troon.
31:42How have locals in Ardrossan reacted to the news?
31:45I won't be going to Troon.
31:47I won't go to Troon.
31:50I won't go doon to Troon.
31:53That's it.
31:55No to Troon.
31:56It's too far doon.
31:58Oh.
31:59People have been complaining that new Range Rovers and other SUVs
32:03are now too big to fit into parking spaces.
32:05What's another problem that big cars create?
32:08They're very heavy, aren't they?
32:09But there are more potholes.
32:11Oh, that's right, yeah.
32:12Because there's...
32:13More potholes, more roads, a bit heavier.
32:14Yeah, absolutely.
32:15There are, thankfully, some good Samaritans around to lend a hand.
32:18Yes.
32:19Loads and loads of plants in there for you today.
32:21Absolutely fantastic.
32:23Look at that.
32:24I've got to tell you what.
32:28Oh.
32:29Who's this we have?
32:30What are you doing, mate?
32:31I'm just filling these potholes in it, Nigel, are you?
32:34But...
32:35With flowers?
32:36With flowers.
32:37I don't have the licence to tarmac and I don't have the licence to alter the road surface,
32:40so I thought I'd make them look pretty.
32:42This is unbelievable.
32:43Do you like that, do you?
32:44Oh, he's amazing.
32:45Well, I do have one plant left and I do have one monstrous pothole,
32:47if you'd like to assist me.
32:49What do I have to do?
32:51Oh, my gosh.
32:52What would that look like if it had been planned?
32:54LAUGHTER
32:56Who says Donald Trump is too big?
33:00His doctor?
33:01That's right.
33:02The President's doctor, Sean Barberbella.
33:05Yes.
33:06Trump's recent medical revealed that he is in excellent physical health,
33:10but at 16 stone and 6ft3 in height, he is still overweight on the BMI scale.
33:14Some have speculated that the President is fudging his height to swing the BMI scale in his favour
33:19and away from the obese category.
33:21Here he is standing next to Prince William, who is also 6ft3.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:27Trump also took a cognitive exam.
33:29What did that reveal?
33:31LAUGHTER
33:32Well, we shall never know.
33:33But he boasted about it on these sort of private jets of the various reporters
33:37that he took a cognitive test, but he couldn't remember what it was.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41Yeah, let's have a look at Trump talking about his results.
33:44Yeah.
33:45By the way, I took my cognitive exam as part of my physical exam
33:49and I got the highest mark and one of the doctors said,
33:52Sir, I've never seen anybody get that kind of a...
33:54That was the highest mark.
33:56I hope you're happy with that.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:00He has to be a winner.
34:01He can't possibly become second.
34:02He has to be the biggest, best...
34:04The best cognitive test.
34:06Absolutely.
34:07Nobody has ever done this.
34:08We've tested millions of people.
34:09Yeah.
34:10And you, an absolute moron, have done better than...
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12You really are a mate.
34:14APPLAUSE
34:15I just don't know how you do it.
34:17APPLAUSE
34:20Yeah, well, let's have a look at that cognitive excellence in action.
34:24LAUGHTER
34:38Like Benny Hill, isn't it?
34:39Yes.
34:41Yes, they're all too big apart from a person weighing seven stone,
34:45nine pounds in Beijing who may be too small to prevent being blown away in a storm.
34:50Range Rovers are getting bigger.
34:52The Green Party's Jenny Jones stated,
34:54Urban streets are simply too small to accommodate these vehicles.
34:57Fair enough, but how is Tarquin getting to school?
35:00I mean, his harp won't fit on a bus, will it?
35:03As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
35:07Mm!
35:08LAUGHTER
35:09Well, they found Keir Starmer.
35:12APPLAUSE
35:13A colonoscopy revealed the President had a polyp in his colon.
35:22It's currently the only thing in the entire White House that is benign.
35:26Sign out for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
35:33Meat Management.
35:35They've got a whole section on mincing.
35:39LAUGHTER
35:40You've plugged up, wasn't it?
35:42LAUGHTER
35:43Happy days!
35:45Nice.
35:46And we start with two of the highlights of the Meat Management calendar
35:50are UK Sausage Week and what?
35:52UK Sausage Month.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:56No, no, it's Savilloy Fortnight.
35:58Could you make a Savilloy last a fortnight?
36:00Yeah.
36:01Not in my house.
36:02No.
36:03LAUGHTER
36:04It's the Women in Meat Awards.
36:06Oh, of course.
36:07UK Sausage Week famously contains one or two high-quality events
36:10bulked out with a lot of stuff you'd rather not know about.
36:13LAUGHTER
36:14Next, Chalcombe Lane, near Bath, needs what because what?
36:18Needs an adequate meat supplier, because there aren't any.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:23I'm nodding, but it's wrong.
36:25It's...
36:26Abattoir, is it?
36:27Abattoir?
36:28Abattoir!
36:29LAUGHTER
36:30No, it needs its own toad patrol because of the number of toads
36:34that go there to mate.
36:35Oh.
36:36Has that got to do with meat?
36:37No, not all to do with a meat manufacturer.
36:39Oh, now you tell me.
36:40Yeah.
36:41LAUGHTER
36:42Fossage seller.
36:43According to The Guardian, 4,000 frogs gather each year to mate
36:47near a busy main road.
36:49To be fair, it is a well-known frogging site.
36:52LAUGHTER
36:53Next, meat management columnist Norman Bagley
36:55encourages readers to persevere with his article,
36:58despite it beginning with the words what?
37:00Cauliflower cheese.
37:02LAUGHTER
37:03Don't read this.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:05I'm Norman Bagley.
37:06Yeah.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:08And I claim my five pounds.
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11No...
37:12Meat is murder.
37:13The answer's actually Chris Packham.
37:16Hmm?
37:17This is an article which begins,
37:18Chris Packham.
37:19No, don't stop reading.
37:21According to the magazine, Norman Bagley is...
37:23Sorry, you lost me at Norman Bagley.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:26Next, a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean, what?
37:32Seeks pickled onion.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35It's actually a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean,
37:37could spark a foot-and-mouth nightmare.
37:39Can he get a point even though it's not right?
37:40No, you can't get a point that's not right.
37:41OK.
37:42I didn't know you got points for getting it right.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:44Have you not been to a quiz before?
37:45I thought you got a point if it was funny.
37:46Oh, we wouldn't have five points.
37:47LAUGHTER
37:48Oh.
37:49Next, meat management's response to veganuary is what?
37:51Stepping.
37:52It's a flat and hard.
37:53A salad and hardy ham sandwich in the forest of Dean,
37:54could spark a foot-and-mouth nightmare.
37:55It's not right.
37:56It's not right.
37:57It's not right.
37:58OK.
37:59It's not right.
38:00You have to be a good point that it's not right.
38:01It's not right.
38:02OK.
38:03I didn't know you got points for getting it right.
38:05LAUGHTER
38:14Meat management's response to veganuary is to say,
38:18look, it's all very well to people to be vegans,
38:21we applaud their choices in life,
38:23but that doesn't really suit us because we're really in the business
38:26of manufacturing and managing meat,
38:28so we'd rather that we'd concentrate on that or we'd run out of space.
38:32Yeah, that's close.
38:34Meat management's response to veganuary is...
38:39We're bored to death of the knit-your-own yoghurt brigade,
38:41banging on about how we should go and live in a monastery
38:44and eat nuts and seeds.
38:46Sorry, that was just me talking.
38:49Next, what in Market Town in Warwickshire described as vile and nauseating?
38:55Vegetarian restaurant.
38:57Antiques Roadshow.
38:59Yes.
39:01No, the answer is bright yellow public area.
39:09Well, it sounds awful.
39:10Yeah, dreadful.
39:11Yeah.
39:12Locals now call the area painted yellow by the council Custard Corner.
39:16Here it is.
39:18Oh.
39:19Oh, God.
39:20Is that a lemon being squeezed in a hand on these...
39:23No, I don't think it's just why his trousers are hanging.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:32Next, at the Meat Management Awards, Al Turner was disappointed that what?
39:38Ah, that his sexual organs wouldn't fit into a bap.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:44Two baps.
39:47Was disappointed that his wife came third?
39:50No.
39:51That his extra-long sausage was beaten by a man from Lincolnshire.
39:55By three inches.
39:57His boudin blanc was underrated.
40:01LAUGHTER
40:03No.
40:06He didn't go home with the award for Britain's Best Sausage.
40:09Oh.
40:10Well, I'm sorry for it.
40:11I feel sorry for it.
40:12Yeah.
40:13Yeah.
40:14Yeah.
40:15Had he booked a special reserve seat on the train for it?
40:17Possibly.
40:18At sausage competitions, the sausages are lined up on a long table
40:23with the judges inspecting each one in turn.
40:25Do they taste them?
40:26I don't know.
40:27Well, they must do. What do you think they do?
40:29Well, it says inspect them.
40:31Oh, I see.
40:32They would at least lick them, I would think.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:36Now you're talking about that.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:39Finally, Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers, what?
40:43Seek similar.
40:44LAUGHTER
40:46Denies they are yellow.
40:47Arrested by police by shoving four kilos of birdseed in his pants.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:52I know this one.
40:53Oh, you know this one, go on then.
40:54Going cheap.
40:55Yes!
40:56LAUGHTER
40:57There we are.
40:58Nothing wrong with that.
41:00Finds cure for erectile dysfunction.
41:03Yeah.
41:04LAUGHTER
41:05Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers,
41:09sought by police for pet shop theft.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:12The pet shop owner said,
41:14we don't know whether they will survive being manhandled
41:16and shoved down someone's trousers.
41:18They will.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:24So, the final scores are Ian and Jemima have four
41:28and Paul and Julian have six.
41:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:36But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
41:40Well, clearly this is an identity parade.
41:42Disappointing cat fails to pick out man that kicked him up the arse.
41:46LAUGHTER
41:48I thought you deserved more than that, didn't you?
41:51Yeah.
41:52I think they're tired now.
41:54Yeah.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57On which note, we say...
41:58Oh, hang on a minute.
41:59Hang on, I was going to say...
42:00He's got one, yeah.
42:01I was just waiting for a bit of quiet.
42:02Sorry.
42:05You could have said it immediately after I said my one.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:08Sorry, have you got a bus to catch?
42:10Yeah.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:13Larry the Downing Street cat finds more caring owners.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:20On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
42:23and Jemima Kelly, Paul Merton and Julian Clary.
42:26And I leave you with news that, in Spalding, organisers reveal the winner
42:30of the prestigious World's Most Judgmental Haystack Competition.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:36After being ejected from an exhibition of radical modern architecture,
42:40one irate visitor threatens to take on any of the security guards
42:44if they think they're hard enough.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:49And in Moscow, there's a dangerous moment for the soldier deciding
42:52the result of the Kremlin guard's sweepstake
42:54on the size of Vladimir Putin's bald spot.
42:57LAUGHTER
43:00Goodnight.
43:01APPLAUSE
43:31APPLAUSE