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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Kelsi Kaur!
00:06Oh, man. What is up, Madison?
00:26Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight.
00:32I'm so excited to be here.
00:34People have been asking me why I decided to shoot this special in Wisconsin.
00:39And it's because I think everybody here has a resting blood alcohol of .12.
00:50There it is. There it is.
00:52That's good for comedy.
00:54Yeah.
00:56You guys seem so happy here.
00:59I'm just slamming cheese curds.
01:02I love it.
01:03You try to shoot a special in LA, everybody's intermittent fasting.
01:08I feel like intermittent fasting means something different in the Midwest.
01:14I feel like that's when you guys black out by five and forget to eat dinner.
01:23You just wake up the next morning like, I feel good.
01:27I wrapped my car around a pole last night, but I feel fit.
01:42I thought it'd also be fun to shoot it here since I'm now also a Midwesterner.
01:49Yeah, I moved to Minnesota last year in the month of January.
01:58And that's how you die.
02:01Eight month winters are fucking brutal.
02:05God.
02:06When I hit my one year mark of living there, some of my friends were like, oh, how did you celebrate?
02:11I was like, oh, I just walked into my bathroom like it was a prison cell and etched one tally.
02:16I did learn a lot by moving there.
02:24Then I learned that God forbid you try using a bidet there in the winter.
02:33That water feels like local anesthesia.
02:39Did not feel my b-hole for five months.
02:44It's such a weird state.
02:45Right when I moved there, I turned on the TV and there were commercials for vacations to Alaska.
02:53And that's when I knew I fucked up.
02:56I was like, oh, these are broken people.
03:00If Alaska is their Cancun.
03:06Living in Minnesota and going on vacation to Alaska is like owning a Nissan Sentra
03:12and going on vacation and renting a Nissan Sentra.
03:20That's the same terrible shit.
03:21I moved there to live with my boyfriend, so that's why I did it in January.
03:28Because winter sucks and it's better when there's somebody inside you.
03:36Thank you, one horny woman.
03:39I appreciate you.
03:40Minnesota was a tough sell though.
03:46I found out also when I got there that they have some of the highest state taxes.
03:50I was like, for why?
03:53You're cold and expensive?
03:56That's like a dog who's ugly and bites.
03:58Put it down.
04:02Let's get out of here.
04:05Skedaddle.
04:07And I moved there from Washington where there are no state taxes.
04:11So now anytime my boyfriend tries to start a fight with me, I'm like, oh, let me remind you that being your girlfriend now costs me $38 a day.
04:19Your dick is a very expensive toll road.
04:30Let me set the thermostat to 72.
04:32Fuck off.
04:36Let's pick our battles today.
04:40When he and I got together, we had that conversation about labels because I felt ready to be called boyfriend and girlfriend.
04:45And he goes, ah, you know, being in my 40s, I feel like I'm a little old to be called somebody's boyfriend.
04:52But if you call me your man friend, sounds like I'm not allowed in your playground.
05:01I was like, all right, well, what are you going to call me?
05:04And he goes, I'll just be like, this is my lady.
05:06And I was like, well, we're not at a Renaissance fair.
05:14So no.
05:17Also, I can't use the equivalent of that.
05:20I can't be like, mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my lord.
05:24And he's also a comedian.
05:37My ex-husband was actually a comedian too.
05:39I can't stop shitting where I eat.
05:41Honestly.
05:43My love life is a Chipotle.
05:47Just keep the eating and shitting all under one roof.
05:50It's very convenient, very farm to table, you know.
05:58They're right there.
06:00And I wasn't much of a jealous girlfriend in my 20s.
06:03But then some switch flipped in my 30s.
06:06And now when I see somebody hit on the person I'm with,
06:09I just feel myself anamorph into the cast of Jersey Shore.
06:15I am ready to brawl.
06:16And he does get hit on.
06:17When he walks on stage, women whistle at him.
06:20And at comedy clubs, there's usually a security guard in the back
06:22to kick people out in case they heckle.
06:25So at his shows, I've just started to stand next to the security guard.
06:31And if I see a woman laughing too hard at one of his jokes,
06:35I just walk up and I'm like, hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
06:40He's my favorite comedian.
06:46Well, he's my lord.
06:50Scoot, beat it.
06:54I feel like most people assume I'm exaggerating during that joke.
06:57But if you follow me online, you'll know I posted a video a few months ago
07:01of a woman who sat in the front row of one of my shows.
07:04And after I told that joke, she goes,
07:06your boyfriend is my favorite comedian.
07:08We've seen him like eight times.
07:11And I was like, lady, did you not just hear that this is when I go snooki on somebody?
07:17What are you doing?
07:19And she doubled down.
07:20She's like, he's so cute.
07:22He's so hot.
07:23And he responds to my Instagram comments.
07:33And that's when I took out my hoop earrings.
07:37All the men in the crowd were looking around like,
07:40Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
07:43It's like, yeah, time to fuck around and find out, madam.
07:45Get up here.
07:47I don't actually worry about my boyfriend cheating on me.
07:50I feel like men's bodies start to really turn on them in their 40s.
07:55He has to wake up every two hours in the night to pee.
07:59And when I see him in the morning with bags under his eyes,
08:02I hug him and I go, ah, babe, I'm sorry you didn't sleep well.
08:05And then I think, you're too exhausted to cheat on me.
08:13You're not getting enough REM to pull off two relationships.
08:20I like you slow like this.
08:26I can catch you if I need to.
08:28Get back here.
08:31But now the second I see him start to reach for melatonin, I'm like,
08:35the fuck are you resting up for?
08:37Huh?
08:41You stay sleepy.
08:42I don't usually mind our age gap, but there is that new filter on TikTok
08:51where couples are posting pictures together and then a filter goes across the screen
08:55and it shows you what you'll look like together in 50 years.
08:58Like it ages you.
09:00So I did that with a picture of me and my boyfriend.
09:02And when the filter went across the screen, it just made him disappear.
09:05It was just me holding an urn. I was like, what?
09:23No, please.
09:26And my boyfriend was like, I want to see the pictures.
09:29I was like, oh, my phone died.
09:32And so did you.
09:36What am I going to do?
09:38He does hate that he looks older than me.
09:41He's been trying to get me to look older faster.
09:43I think he wants to like microwave my face.
09:46On my birthday as a prank, he hid all of my expensive skin creams.
09:50And when I opened my bathroom cupboard, there was just a pack of cigarettes.
09:58Like a tanning bed coupon.
10:01Well, be careful what you wish for.
10:03You're going to wake up next to Mick Jagger.
10:09I have been telling my single friends that they should date somebody older than them.
10:13It's the best.
10:14They got their lives together.
10:15They're financially secure.
10:17My boyfriend has a lake cabin.
10:18You think I give a shit that he has a fake hip?
10:21I don't.
10:26I don't need somebody to be able to jump rope to get me wet.
10:32I'm riding on a jet ski.
10:33I'm coming five times on that thing anyway.
10:40My boyfriend shows me his credit score while we're on the jet ski.
10:43I'm like, oh, my God.
10:48Our neighbors are like, oh, look at all the water coming off that thing.
10:57I'm like, that's not water, Diane.
11:00That's all me, baby.
11:03Happy fourth.
11:07Peace be with you.
11:08I will say if you date somebody older than you, sometimes people think you have daddy issues.
11:17And they're right.
11:20My dad was an international yo-yo man for a living.
11:26That sentence should not even exist.
11:27I don't know if when you were growing up a guy came to your school and did yo-yo demonstrations.
11:34Yeah, that's the man who made me.
11:38That's not great.
11:42I do love my dad.
11:43I think he gave me a very specific amount of daddy issues.
11:45Like, I have enough to have become a comedian, but not enough to have an OnlyFans.
11:53My dad's just a little too supportive for me to have one of those.
11:57If I tried to post my boobs online behind a paywall and posted some link that was like,
12:02for my biggest fans only.
12:04My dad would read that and go, I'm obviously my daughter's biggest fan.
12:08Oh God, no.
12:10No.
12:12Kelsey Evelyn.
12:17I don't know of that many people personally who are on OnlyFans or in the porn space.
12:23I do know of Adriana Chechik.
12:25I follow her on Twitter because she tweets the most outrageous things and they make me laugh so hard.
12:29She tweeted the other day and said,
12:32on my way to the dentist, he has no idea how many different people's DNA he's about to clean out of my teeth.
12:49And I say some dirty things up here, but I read that and was like, my heavens.
12:54Adriana, I mean, God forbid something ever happens to her, there are going to be so many suspects.
13:04That is a crime scene of a mouth.
13:08Detectives are going to be like, was she killed by a village?
13:12What happened here?
13:14It's just not wise.
13:15It's not wise.
13:17But I am fascinated by her as a person.
13:19I listened to her on a podcast where she said that on a different trip to the dentist,
13:23she had the dentist file down her back molars so that she could make room for bigger things.
13:29Yeah, really took the bumpers off the bowling lane.
13:42And I heard that and was like, what a commitment to the craft.
13:45I mean, I'm not even willing to wear heels up here for you folks.
13:52She's out there changing her dental records.
13:55Good Christ, what a go-getter.
13:58I told that joke in Grand Rapids a few months ago where nothing good ever happens.
14:06And there was a dentist in the crowd and she was blackout drunk.
14:13And she starts shouting, she goes, we can tell, we can tell when somebody's in porn.
14:19And I was like, well, none of us are going to be able to move on with our lives until you tell us.
14:24The floor is yours.
14:29You have hijacked the show.
14:31And she goes, they have suction on the roof of their mouth.
14:37I was like, like the ghost of a blowjob.
14:42What are you talking about?
14:43That is so not how I thought you would be able to tell, right?
14:46I thought she was going to say that when they put the little vacuum hose in there,
14:49that the person's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
14:52Quit that.
15:02You swallow out your work, not here.
15:06Goblin.
15:12I know that I have to have some daddy issues because my boyfriend's name is Chad.
15:17The sounds of disapproval.
15:22Yeah.
15:23You don't date a Chad unless you come from deep white trash.
15:28I think it's very ironic as a comedian that I'm dating a Chad because comics,
15:32we've made fun of dudes with that name our entire careers.
15:35Like a comedian dating a Chad is like a store manager dating a Karen.
15:40It makes no sense.
15:43And I've had a lot of firsts with him in our relationship.
15:47I mentioned on my special, The Hustler,
15:49that he's the first guy I've ever been with who has had a vasectomy.
15:52So I had no idea what to expect the first time he finished.
15:56I was like, is it gonna be dust?
15:59Like when you blow into a Nintendo cartridge.
16:08It's like, oh, my eyes.
16:14I had no idea what was gonna happen.
16:17So I decided to do some research in a lab called my mouth.
16:22And you're welcome.
16:25We're all adults here.
16:27And I'm happy to report my findings that I believe it's essentially diet cum.
16:33If I may be so bold.
16:44And I have been pretty shocked now at how many people come up to me after shows and go,
16:49You gotta make merch that says diet cum.
16:59And I'm like, who would wear that?
17:06Make some noise if you think you would genuinely wear a diet cum shirt.
17:09Oh, my God. Liar. Liar.
17:14You work from home.
17:20No HR in your life.
17:23No way.
17:26And Chad has a 19-year-old daughter.
17:29And I wanted her to like me so badly.
17:31But I posted that vasectomy joke on Instagram.
17:35Yeah. Stepmom of the year.
17:40And I forgot that she followed me on there.
17:43So later that night, she texted Chad and said,
17:46Hey, not trying to start any shit.
17:55But just thought you should know, I definitely unfollowed your girlfriend today.
18:01And I thought, well, it's probably a good idea.
18:04Because I bet I'm gonna post a joke that I'm currently telling you guys.
18:07And I don't think she's gonna like this one either.
18:12By the way, I don't blame her at all for unfollowing me.
18:15I totally get it.
18:16I was just bummed because I was hoping that Instagram was gonna be how I could connect with this teenage girl.
18:21You know, like, before I met her, my friends were like,
18:23Oh, don't be nervous. She's gonna love you.
18:24She's gonna think it's so cool that your videos get a bunch of views.
18:27And I was like, Oh, you mean the one about me blowing her dad?
18:31I don't exactly think she's walking into her college cafeteria like,
18:46You guys, it's my dad, she blows!
18:51You guys.
18:57It's like my daddy issues are now giving other girls daddy issues.
19:01It's like a Russian nesting doll of fuckery.
19:06Break the cycle.
19:07I feel like I should know more about things like vasectomies because I don't know if you guys had this in high school where you could get voted, you know, best dressed or most athletic.
19:21But I had that in middle school.
19:22And when I was in seventh grade, I got voted most likely to become a sex ed teacher.
19:27And I look back and I'm like, what was I saying to my peers at age 12 that made them collectively go, she knows where the taint is.
19:48I should not have won that award.
19:50I knew nothing. I was such a late bloomer in every way.
19:52I didn't start my period until the last week of eighth grade, which coincided with my school's graduation trip to the lake.
20:02Yeah, buckle up.
20:06And the first time you get a period, they always tell girls, oh, don't use a tampon, wear a pad.
20:11So all my friends are in their cute little bikinis in front of the boys for the first time.
20:15I am wearing a t-shirt and giant men's and one basketball shorts.
20:22Trying to hide the outline of this massive pad, which went from belly button to middle of my back.
20:35It was like wearing a horse saddle.
20:39Casually at the beach.
20:40Casually at the beach.
20:44And then everybody jumped in the lake and nobody told me that you can't get in with a pad on.
20:55So I jumped in too, and that thing started dragging me to the bottom of the lake.
20:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:08My life flashed before my eyes.
21:11This thing got so heavy so fast.
21:15You could see the water level of the lake just slowly going lower and lower and lower.
21:20And I'm a terrible swimmer. I death gripped onto her front shoulder.
21:29She was like, what are you doing?
21:30I was like, I'm bleeding and drowning, please.
21:33Help.
21:37So people flopped me up onto the dock and I stood up and in front of every boy in my grade,
21:4220 gallons of water dumped out of my shorts for 40 straight seconds.
21:55Like the world's grossest magician.
22:02Oh, it's still going. Okay.
22:04Okay.
22:09And that is how you don't get fingered until your senior year.
22:23True story.
22:27I feel like all the boys in my grade were like,
22:29we've heard that wet is good, but
22:39that seems too wet.
22:43I don't think there's supposed to be fish coming out of there.
22:52Sort of weird mermaid lady.
22:54I actually got an IUD in recently because I heard that they could just make your period go away,
23:03but the procedure is a nightmare.
23:05They basically shove a Lego in your uterus while you're wide awake.
23:10I thought for sure I was going to get knocked out for this.
23:12The doctor was like, no.
23:14I was like, okay.
23:16What do you guys do for the pain?
23:18She's like, take a Tylenol, make a wish.
23:19I'm like, oh, I wish you'd go fuck yourself.
23:29If you're comfortable sharing, make some noise if you have an IUD.
23:33Oh my God.
23:35Give these women a key to the city.
23:37All right.
23:39There are Avengers sitting amongst you tonight.
23:41It is insane.
23:42But I think the thing that's maybe more traumatizing than that procedure is that when you get there,
23:47they ask you to give a urine sample.
23:49And women dread giving urine samples.
23:52For dudes, you guys just whip your dong out.
23:54You aim and fire.
23:56You could probably do it blindfolded.
23:58Women giving a urine sample is like trying to get the leash out from under the dog's leg on a walk.
24:03You're like, okay, this way, maybe this way.
24:20Well, am I going or you going?
24:22Well, God damn it.
24:26So many legs.
24:34Because women only pee straight for two of the 20 seconds.
24:41We pee.
24:43The rest of the time, it looks like somebody just poked a hole in a Capri Sun and then started stepping on it.
24:48You're like, no.
24:49Sideways?
24:50Why don't we pee in sideways?
24:52I don't even have a hole there.
24:55And then a doctor walks in with a thimble and is like, catch it.
25:01Catch it.
25:03I'm like, you catch it.
25:17This is a two-man job at least.
25:20This thing is the same size as a to-go ranch container.
25:24I can't possibly catch it.
25:27to-go ranch container I can't possibly catch it in this do you have a crock pot
25:34back there something with handles a wide berth I can work with perhaps a lot of
25:44the time you don't know you're gonna have to give a urine sample so you peed
25:47right before you left the house and then you're in there trying to squeegee out
25:52five drops but you don't have enough pressure in your stream for it to go
25:57out so you just get a babbling brook that hugs your body and drops off a butt
26:06cheek in the back have to drop a pin on GPS remember that fucker went I have no
26:16idea I can't see back there can't catch that so I'm in there I try to get a
26:23urine sample it's a complete disaster as always I get nothing in the cup I just
26:28peel over my own wrist like a child the whole thing stressed me out so much I
26:34had explosive diarrhea I walked out of there up to the nurse I was like well
26:39didn't get a urine sample but the cup is full test what you can I guess it's a
26:58broken system it's not my fault you fix it and then you lay back and they do the
27:04procedure and an IUD can stay in you for eight years so after they're done the
27:09nurse hands you a sticker with a date on it
27:15of eight years from that day so you know when to replace it so I just pop that on
27:23my windshield next to my oil change sticker
27:32where else am I gonna put that thing I got one that says Valvoline one that
27:37says Valvoline I just keep an eye I told my dad about the sticker thing and he
27:47goes oh that's interesting I wonder if it works the same way as a car where it
27:52goes by either the date or the mileage
27:54I was like shut your mouth dad I mean I'm definitely gonna use it on stage but shut
28:11your mouth sicko we're not friends I don't want to joke with you like that gonna make
28:17me start an only fan to keep that shit up shut up that's definitely not how it works by the way
28:23they'd be very funny to me if they were secretly putting tiny odometers you go in for a checkup the
28:32doctor's like somebody had a busy April no way this thing's last in eight years
28:41you're burning the tires clean off this thing slow down
28:46I'm very happy to be living with Chad I lived alone for a few years after the divorce I feel
28:57like if you live alone for too long you start to become feral make some noise if
29:03you live alone right now all right so that's 12 people who showered for the
29:10first time tonight good for you I am honored to be the reason you would bathe and leave
29:16your home because you don't have to do anything when you live alone there's
29:20nobody around to judge you and you start to act like you were raised by wolves
29:23right I watched myself do something so unhinged at one point I don't know if you guys have it in
29:29your shower where if the water has been hitting the shower curtain for a long time it starts to get
29:33kind of discolored at the bottom I tried cleaning it it wouldn't come off and instead of just going and
29:38buying a new shower curtain like a normal person I just sat in my bathtub with scissors and I just cut
29:44the bottom I just went full method I was just like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah arts and crafts hearts and
29:55crafts I literally gave my shower bangs it's not a mentally stable place to be in and then of course it
30:09really looked like shit so I went to Target and they had just released fall candles and I learned
30:15that day that if you smell candles for 30 minutes straight you will accidentally get a little fucking
30:21high nothing crazy but I'm a lightweight and nobody in the dare program talked to me about candles
30:29so I was unprepared for what happened to my body just floating around Target I grabbed the shower curtain
30:36I wanted and when I went home and hung it up it only stretched like half the length of my shower
30:42and it was so long five extra feet of fabric coming off the bottom of this thing
30:46and my stepsister came over the next day and she used my bathroom and she came out and she goes
30:53why do you have a window curtain in there
30:56I was like what now she goes that's a window curtain you didn't think it was weird that when
31:15you hung it up there was an entire Met Gala ball gown coming off of it I was like I accidentally got
31:23fucked up on pumpkin spice and I blacked out I don't want to talk about it but it's fine I can fix this
31:28and I grab my scissors and I just cut the bottom
31:30we're fine
31:35I can feel that I'm starting to get a little too comfortable with Chad now that we live together
31:42you know in the beginning you try so hard you care what you look like I'd go get Brazilian waxes
31:47all the time now I'm just trying to not scare kids at the pool
31:51it's a different level of effort I'm willing to put in now I just tell my wax lady the same thing
31:59that Chad tells the guy who trims his beard I'm just like take a little off the sides be careful
32:05around the lips
32:05let's not get crazy
32:13I am pretty shocked at the lengths that young girls now are willing to go to to attract boys
32:21I don't know if you guys have heard of this trend through TikTok called vabbing
32:24okay I just found out about this apparently some teenage girls now before they leave the house
32:30are sticking their fingers down there and then wiping it on their neck
32:35to try to use their pheromones to attract boys
32:40the confidence of Gen Z is so fucking wild
32:45and truly disturbed
32:50I mean cold day in hell that you would catch a millennial or older wiping anything from this area
32:57on their neck like goddamn potpourri
33:00that was so not the message taught to us about this area by our elders right
33:07they were like hey lock up your shame
33:10oh yeah okay yeah okay
33:12we didn't even want anybody to know we had a vagina
33:15we were just walking through middle school like okay conceal and carry
33:20okay nobody see it nobody smell it
33:26just spraying 17 pumps of bath and body works cucumber melon
33:32smell like every lift driver's car
33:39just insanity
33:42yeah our sex ed teachers didn't talk to us about this area like it was hot sauce
33:47they were like hey y'all it's good on everything
33:50get it out there
33:53no they talked to us about it like it was black licorice
33:57they were like hey not everybody's gonna like that
34:02oh okay
34:04you stay humble
34:08yeah yeah yeah okay sure
34:09and we did we're a humble generation
34:13anybody here have a teenage daughter
34:16well don't smell their neck
34:23yeah that is not lip gloss
34:48sounds like a town hall meeting in here
34:56guys like oh hey
34:56this is an outrage
35:00i feel like there might be some interesting phone calls on the drive home tonight
35:12put your fucking sister on
35:16i do actually want to try and keep the magic alive with chad for as long as i can
35:32and my ex and i got pretty gross together toward the end he and i always lived in a place that only
35:37had one bathroom and he would go in there and take 45 minute man shits
35:44and i finally asked him i was like hey why does it take you so long to do that and he goes
35:50well my doctor told me that it's bad to push so i don't push
35:55i just sit and i'll let it fall out
36:03i was like what are you a geisha
36:07what are you trying to take these dainty shits for
36:11you're a man just grab onto something fire it out get the fuck out of there
36:15we can't wait for the stars to align mulan
36:23it's sunday we've got errands to run go get out
36:28so he went in there one day for one of his sessions
36:34and i knew it was going to be a session because i could hear him lock the door
36:38which he always only did for number two and i didn't know why i think i know now i think you
36:43dudes have this poo phobia that while you're sitting there all vulnerable
36:51you're afraid we're gonna like bust the door down and jump on your lap and start tickling you
36:56like i'm not steve-o why would i do that
37:09i would never do that
37:13so he's in there door locked and on this day our buttholes had synced
37:19and i was like oh no
37:21because i have ibs so when i gotta go i gotta go
37:27so i texted him and i was like hey i'm about to shit my pants
37:35siren emoji
37:45fire emoji
37:46making it crystal clear he doesn't respond
37:54i can hear his phone get my text and i hear him just swipe out of it and continue to watch parks
38:00and rec i'm like you motherfucker
38:04so now i realize i do not have access to a toilet and i've got some demons coming down the chute
38:10i am in apocalypse survival mode so i start frantically looking around our apartment for a substitute toilet
38:21the first thing i see is the kitchen sink
38:25i know right away i was like too high
38:28it's a lot of gymnastics i'm not qualified for next thing i see is my ex's favorite hat
38:44which emotionally felt like the right choice
38:47because i was ready to soft serve him some piping hot justice
38:50but i was like ooh that's a small surface area i'm not confident in the aim
38:57you guys know how i feel about urine samples
39:02it's like if you can't pee in a cup you can't poop in a hat
39:06that's a dr seuss book we all grew up with
39:08everybody knows you can't do that and so i looked and i looked and i had to
39:19shit in an empty cardboard amazon box
39:24in my own living room like an old homeless man
39:31that changes you as a person
39:33i was just squatting and crying our cats walked up to me
39:43and booped noses
39:46i was like get out of here go
39:49they just watched me from the corner with giant eyes
39:56they're just looking at me like oh you are one of us
39:59they're just looking at me like this
40:01neat
40:04and after i was done i told my friends what had happened and they were all like
40:08why don't you just poop in your cat's litter box
40:14and i was like because i'm not trying to dominate them for the rest of their lives
40:21do you understand what a deranged power move that would be
40:24to just bring the heat like that
40:31just dunk on them
40:34that would be like if you shit in your baby's diaper
40:41your child would be taken from you there are rules to this life
40:48but i tell you guys this to tell you i've been trying to hide that version of me
40:51far away from chad i don't ever want chad to meet gross kelsey
40:58in warehouses you know they have those signs it's like 32 days since last workplace incident
41:06well i have a tiny one in my heart
41:09that says 1842 days since i shit in a box
41:13i'm trying to keep that number very high
41:25but when chad and i moved in together last year we celebrated we went out we drank a bunch of tequila
41:31and then the next morning i got chipotle
41:36bad choices
41:37and we went back to our new place and i went into one of the bathrooms to do my business
41:41but it's a new bathroom to me so i turned on what i thought was the fan
41:45turns out it was the heater
41:50that's not what you want
41:57that takes a normal number two smell and turns it into a woodstock 99 porta potty
42:02immediately
42:08as i'm in there sweating and panicking i'm like oh
42:11fuck fuck fuck and i finish up and i walk out and i close the door behind me
42:17which is the universal sign for give it a sec
42:21no one needs to go in here for the next two to 49 hours change your plans change your route
42:37chad completely ignores this major sign that i'm throwing up at him he just blows right by me
42:42and walks in there to get a kleenex
42:47my brain in slow-mo was like don't go in there
42:56and he came out and i was like
42:57i am so sorry could you smell things
43:13and he goes i couldn't smell anything you're fine
43:16and i was like oh thank god
43:20you might want to take a covid test
43:33actually don't waste a test you have covid
43:37my asshole was the test and you failed
43:39and that's when chad goes i'm just kidding i could totally smell that
43:48do you see the tears streaming down my face
44:00so something i've learned is that a lot of people don't realize that comedians
44:04know how to not be comedians off stage like some people just think we're always set to clown mode
44:10or something because a few years ago my mom got sick and she was in the hospital for part of the
44:14time and three weeks in her doctor turns to me and goes so i heard you're a comedian and i was like
44:20yeah i am he goes oh just surprises me because i don't really get a funny vibe from you
44:30and i was like well my mom's still in the hospital after three weeks so i'm not really getting a great
44:36doctor vibe
44:44i can be petty off the clock too bitch
44:48i will do it for free
44:51also what does a funny vibe look like to this guy we're in a hospital you think i'm gonna walk
44:55through the waiting room honking boobs like
44:57hey people are bleeding out you gotta clock out sometimes
45:04but here's the thing when my mom was in the hospital she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia
45:08which has of course been the most heartbreaking thing to go through but she is so smart and so
45:13funny that even with dementia she's still pretty crafty like still tries to prank people
45:19so she and my brother were talking he thought it was going well and then all of a sudden she just
45:26starts shouting nurse nurse and my brother's like oh my god mom i'm right here what do you need the
45:34nurses come running in they're like kathy oh my god what's going on and my mom just goes look how handsome my
45:41son is
45:47like are you out of your mind you cannot be the mom who cried hot sun
45:54you're gonna get kicked out of the home because now i feel like next time she actually needs help
45:59the nurse is just gonna pop her head around from 50 feet away and be like oh let me guess kathy is your
46:05daughter funny is that what you're screaming at us for it'd be so great if she was like yeah she's okay
46:14i might really get a funny vibe from her
46:18just want some apple juice
46:22i have to tell you guys something that just happened my cousin and i visited my mom and we
46:27thought that my mom had fallen asleep so my cousin decided to tell me that she just took her two
46:32high school nieces out to dinner and her nieces are obsessed with mukbang videos you guys know what
46:36mukbang videos are okay if you don't know it's this big trend on youtube people order massive quantities
46:42of food and they eat them on camera so her nieces love these mukbang videos and they're at dinner and
46:47one of her nieces cleans her plate so fast and my cousin looks at her and goes wow bailey you should do
46:54your own bukkake videos
47:08and her niece went white in the face which is very funny if you know what bukkake is
47:24i can also tell that some of you do not know what bukkake is and honestly you're better people for it
47:49you are more pure of heart okay a midwest mom just went
48:00if you want to find out what it is give it a google later um don't do it at work you'll get fired
48:07it is a finishing move
48:09in the world of porn and i'm like dying laughing at this story and then all of a sudden my mom goes
48:20and my cousin and i were like no no no no no no
48:37do not say that word in the home
48:39i promise it is not whatever you think it is it's not some fitness class you took at the ymca
48:49i'm sure my mom was just sitting there listening like oh well simba was full that one day so i think
48:53i popped over to bukkake is like no you did not no you did not nope you never did that
49:06and here's the thing i always take really good care of my mom but i took
49:10extra good care of her that day because i was like those cannot be your last words
49:15don't you dare and this is strange but my entire family and i including my mom are actually world
49:30champion foosball players yeah thank you and my mom is in the foosball hall of fame yeah
49:40but every time my mom gets a new nurse the nurse will always ask her about her life
49:46and my mom always goes well i'm in the foosball hall of fame
49:55and every nurse goes uh sure you are
50:04and i'm always standing there like oh yeah no i know that sounds made up but i swear it's real and
50:10and the nurse is like hey you don't have to
50:19and i'm like lady i swear to god i could show you her trophies i can show you a video of her playing
50:25and that's when the nurse starts to look at the other nurse who's like oh does the daughter have
50:29dementia too it's like a t-mobile family plan of dementia it's too weird to believe
50:37and my mom growing up was also somebody you did not want to cross my parents got divorced in the
50:4390s back when there were home phone answering machines
50:49and before the divorce our answering machine message was my dad saying you've reached the cooks
50:53please leave us a message and then after the divorce my mom had changed it to her just blasting
50:59alanis morissette's you ought to know
51:08so every time my dad would call my mom would let it go to the machine so that if he wanted to leave
51:15a message for her every time he first had to sit through the lyrics and i'm here to remind you
51:23of the mess you left when you went away
51:26i mean that's a bad move right there that takes balls because it's not like that was just the
51:45message for when my dad called
51:47that was the message for literally anybody who called our house so after a while we started to
51:56get messages from people like hey
52:03this is dave from blockbuster
52:10and uh i'm here to remind you
52:17your space jam vhs is overdue
52:30really sorry about whatever you're going through
52:39and long before my mom had dementia she had retired from teaching and she had taken on some
52:44interesting retirement hobbies she had started to screenshot the selfies i would post on instagram
52:50and then she would print them out
52:53and go to kohl's and buy those 30 photo collage frames
53:00and frame my selfies
53:04but i didn't know she was doing this until i visited home one day and i just walked into a museum
53:14of my narcissism
53:20and my mom crept up behind me she was like
53:27do you love it
53:32what is this a haunted house this is horrifying i'll never take a selfie again
53:38this is like an intervention
53:43but here's the thing nobody had taught my mom how to crop a screenshot
53:51so all of these printed framed photos show her phone battery percentage
53:57if somebody texted her as she took the screenshot
54:12it's up there there's a framed photo somewhere of my face with a text from my ex to my mom like
54:19your daughter just shit in a box
54:29please advise
54:35so i decided last year that i didn't want to have kids and it was so weird because a few months later
54:40i started to get really bad cramps and they did an ultrasound and they found a polyp in my uterus
54:45which is like a skin tag and i think it's so crazy that the human instinct to reproduce is so strong
54:51that as soon as i said i'm not having kids my uterus was like
54:56bitch we're growing something
54:58you have been zero help you keep feeding me diet cum
55:17just hangs out in here makes the floor sticky
55:19the iud doesn't know what to do with it chad's had a vasectomy so there's nothing to defend
55:31it's like two goalies on a soccer field with no other players
55:35all right madison you guys have been incredible thank you so much
55:56so
56:10by the way i say i'm trying to keep the magic alive with him and then also
56:26this morning i said to him i wipe too hard and my butt crack hurts
56:30he's like oh wow i really feel the magic yeah that's that's palpable
56:39that probably won't stand this special but you know i just thought i'd
56:42just thought i'd share my morning with you fine folks
57:00go
57:09go