In the film, a female member of the Orlock family inherits her family's ancestral castle in Transylvania. A vampire cousin of the heiress is trying to use a stolen magical book to summon a monster to Earth. A vampire hunter of the Van Helsing family tries to cope with his new life as a vampire.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I don't know.
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:29Oh, my God.
00:02:59Oh, my God.
00:03:29Oh, my God.
00:03:59Oh, my God.
00:04:29Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:29Oh, my God.
00:05:31Oh, my God.
00:05:33Oh, my God.
00:05:35Oh, my God.
00:05:37Oh, my God.
00:05:39Oh, my God.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:43Oh, my God.
00:05:45Oh, my God.
00:05:47Oh, my God.
00:05:49Oh, my God.
00:05:51Oh, my God.
00:05:53Oh, my God.
00:05:55Oh, my God.
00:05:57Do you see that,
00:06:04Oh, my God.
00:06:06Oh, my God.
00:06:07Oh, my God.
00:06:08Oh, my God.
00:06:09death city where we put the fun back in funerals and I'll stand in my head to
00:06:15bury your dead and now let's get back to our movies the vampire DJs from hell
00:06:39excuse me is this the service for Ephraim Ward indeed sir are you related to the deceased as
00:07:00far as I know I'm only living relative my name is Dexter Ward oh of course Mr. Ward I spoke to
00:07:05you on the phone when you made the arrangement right we've opened the caskets so that the
00:07:09bereaved may pay their last respects thank you
00:07:11goodbye Uncle Ephraim
00:07:35you must find it it alone has the power to summon forth the evil one what am I doing here
00:07:57you're dead Uncle Ephraim like hell I am get me out of this goddamn thing what stupid son of a
00:08:06bitch pronounced me dead he was dr. Mallory that quack in this cheap jack place didn't even bother
00:08:13to embalm me help me help me help me dear me this was rather unexpected you can all go home
00:08:22I'm not dead Dexter my boy give me your arm get out of here you miserable toadies
00:08:30phony bastards never saw one of them before in my life
00:08:34you're looking much better since the funeral uncle Ephraim you know I think death agrees with you
00:08:41Dexter you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive well remember what they said
00:08:47about that condition of yours you sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon oh my boy
00:08:51this library is my life for 40 years I've been responsible for the world's largest collection
00:08:57of books on witchcraft and the black arts that's what I call job security Dexter have you ever heard
00:09:04of the book of Ulthar nope Ulthar was a sorcerer at a time before history when all the world was in
00:09:11darkness and chaos prevailed oh yeah I remember the Reagan administration no no it was the reign of the
00:09:17evil one an elder god that once walked the earth Ulthar cast a spell
00:09:23which banished this unearthly creature to the eternal void beyond time and space yeah I spent a
00:09:30weekend there once you may scoff but many authorities believe that the evil one has been waiting these
00:09:37countless eons for the counter spell that would free it from its astral exile yeah I know once again
00:09:43we'll all be down the crapper correct Ulthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume
00:09:50which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages then 20 years ago I made a tragic error
00:10:00I lent the book out isn't that what libraries are supposed to do not with such a priceless volume
00:10:07the culprit's name was Marinus Orlok his academic credentials were impeccable and a few days later
00:10:15he simply vanished with my book for two decades I vainly attempted to find some trace of him
00:10:23then finally just recently I unearthed a clue a daughter living in Los Angeles I was about to
00:10:31contact her when I had my attack I had a feeling this was all leading someplace you've been like a son to
00:10:37me Dexter I know it's a it's a great favor to us don't you know I owe you more than I could
00:10:43ever repay you give me that address I'll find that book Orlok's daughter is named Marissa you can
00:10:50contact her here
00:11:07I don't like snap collecting I don't play chess I'm just not used to second best I don't watch real fortune or meet the press I'm not the kind who gets depressed
00:11:25just give me action your love is the attraction it's pure satisfaction
00:11:37I don't mind blasting out of here screw gun control I want some fun before I get old I don't mind causing accidents I'm on a roll who cares if I'm on parole
00:12:04just give me action your love keeps me in traction it's pure satisfaction
00:12:16let's start a revolution calling John Wayne your love is driving me insane let's storm a foreign missile based dark world war three knock off the
00:12:38I told you I told for me
00:12:40just give me action your love is the attraction it's pure satisfaction
00:12:51it's
00:12:59come on and give me a little action will you buddy
00:13:02cut
00:13:09that was beautiful Marissa
00:13:16is everything alright?
00:13:19babe they only make one word to describe your performance
00:13:21simply sensational
00:13:23that's two words
00:13:24right right now I predict that song's gonna win a granny
00:13:26that's granny
00:13:27that's granny
00:13:28no dearie
00:13:29he meant granny
00:13:30here you go chief
00:13:32okay everybody
00:13:33it's a rat
00:13:38pardon me
00:13:39pardon me
00:13:40you're Marissa Orlach right?
00:13:41how did you know my last name?
00:13:42not even my press agent knows that
00:13:44I'm Dexter Ward
00:13:45I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:47hey look I love my fans but
00:13:49don't let it get out of control okay?
00:13:51no you don't understand
00:13:52see I want to talk to you about your father Marinus
00:13:54what about my father?
00:13:56well you see my uncle Ephraim?
00:13:58he's got
00:13:59wait we can talk in here it's private
00:14:05hey
00:14:06hey hey this is the son for the last drive
00:14:10it's where they used to film all those old sitcoms
00:14:13now what information do you have about my father?
00:14:16oh uh well not much I'm afraid
00:14:18apparently sometime in the late sixties
00:14:20your father borrowed a one of a kind volume
00:14:22from the Arkham Public Library
00:14:23the uh the book of author
00:14:25now supposedly
00:14:27when translated this book could
00:14:28open up a doorway to another dimension
00:14:31what was that?
00:14:33it's one of those old laugh track machines
00:14:35they used to use it on all these shows
00:14:37oh who's operating it?
00:14:39no one I think they just forgot to turn it off
00:14:41but don't worry it's programmed to laugh at anything
00:14:43see what I mean?
00:14:45oh where was I?
00:14:48oh yeah anyway
00:14:50my uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham
00:14:53and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned
00:14:55so I was kinda hoping you could uh
00:14:57give me a current address on your father
00:14:59oh I was hoping you could give me one
00:15:01see my father left when I was quite young
00:15:03he arranged a Swiss bank account for our support
00:15:06but neither my mother or I have heard from him in like nearly 20 years
00:15:09and I'd give anything to see him again
00:15:14hey that's not funny
00:15:16look I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances
00:15:20I uh I won't bother you anymore
00:15:24hello there
00:15:26holy captain video
00:15:27you must be characters from the future
00:15:29let's see this is where the plot thickens
00:15:32telegram uh telegram for Marissa Orlach
00:15:35oh I'm Marissa Orlach
00:15:37oh I'm Marissa Orlach
00:15:38yeah well this must be me
00:15:39me
00:15:40me
00:15:41me
00:15:42me
00:15:43me
00:15:44me
00:15:45me
00:15:46me
00:15:47me
00:15:48me
00:15:49me
00:15:50not
00:16:03me
00:16:04me
00:16:07me
00:16:09me
00:16:11me
00:16:12My father just died.
00:16:16I know painful this must be for you.
00:16:18I'm going to call the travel agency.
00:16:22I'll serve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two?
00:16:24For Transylvania.
00:16:25Oh!
00:16:33Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning our descent into Transylvania.
00:16:38Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish our port.
00:16:44Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:50The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of coordinates.
00:16:54There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:01Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:04Now what do we do?
00:17:06Well, according to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hansburg.
00:17:08It's a small village just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:14Okay.
00:17:19I could live here.
00:17:24Taxi!
00:17:26Oh, I'm not sure.
00:17:27We're trying to get to Hansburg.
00:17:29Look, lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:32There's no skin off my ass either way.
00:17:34Can you make it?
00:17:35You got it, baby.
00:17:36Maxi Field.
00:17:37Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:39Oh.
00:17:39What are you doing here?
00:17:40Can I help it if they give me a bad area?
00:17:43So, hey, I'm not taking a bad deal for my health.
00:17:45You want a ride or not?
00:17:46You got it.
00:17:47Can you take us to Hansburg?
00:17:49I don't usually like to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:52Hey, affair's affair, right?
00:17:54You know what I mean?
00:17:55Hop in.
00:17:56I think it was a red captain.
00:18:04It looked too well.
00:18:07Yeah, there's zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get used to it.
00:18:11What?
00:18:12The walking's dead?
00:18:13Hey.
00:18:14New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:19They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:24Yeah, they're dead. They're all messed up.
00:18:39Nice scenery around here. Hey, folks?
00:18:41You got your mishrouded moors, your bleak forests, desolate graveyards.
00:18:45Great place for picnics.
00:18:47You know, you didn't have to come. If I found the Book of Alka, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:51You know. You don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:54No. It's nice to have company. Especially in a place like this.
00:18:59Ah, who knows. Maybe they'll put up a Disneyland here someday.
00:19:02Yeah, I could see it all now. Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:07Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:10No, no, no. My uncle's a librarian. I'm just helping him out during summer vacation.
00:19:14I'm studying pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:16I was gonna be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:19I never finished high school.
00:19:21Oh, really?
00:19:22Uh, despite graduating from high school, Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education.
00:19:29We're doing a little research.
00:19:32Well, at least that much is true.
00:19:34Well, wait a minute. Describe your perfect mate. Yeah, here we go. Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:40Ooh, you sound like anybody you know?
00:19:42Eh, one out of three is that.
00:19:44Sorry about the bumps. We got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:51And I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:55You talking to me?
00:19:56Nobody else here.
00:19:57Must be talking to me. I wanted to get out of the city. Big mistake.
00:20:01You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:07Want a bite?
00:20:08No thanks.
00:20:10You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:31You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:33We be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside.
00:20:39Aye. Aye. And selling him to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:43Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here and now. We could buy another bottle. Help us keep warm.
00:20:49Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney. That we...
00:20:52Be ye suggesting we cross our own picket line.
00:20:54Aye. That I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:02Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:12Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16You've got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:20Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:22Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:24Would you think you bet we'd be saving him from being stabbed by someone what ain't in our unit?
00:21:31I'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact, Mr. Mole.
00:21:43No!
00:21:46No!
00:21:47Oh, no!
00:21:49Oh, no!
00:21:55No, no, please!
00:21:57Oh, my God!
00:22:11Oh, my God!
00:22:14Oh!
00:22:16Oh, I don't mind that.
00:22:20Oh!
00:22:22Oh.
00:22:24Ah, you, whew.
00:22:46Thank God.
00:22:48Thank God?
00:22:50Governor.
00:22:51Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:23:21Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian belly.
00:23:25Pardon me, pardon me.
00:23:27Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um,
00:23:29how can you find all this garlic?
00:23:31Excuse me.
00:23:33Excuse me.
00:23:35Excuse me.
00:23:39Excuse me.
00:23:41Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlov?
00:23:47I don't think they've heard of it.
00:23:53Perhaps I can help you.
00:23:54I am the Chief Constantine.
00:23:56Oh, hello there.
00:23:57My name is Dexter Ward.
00:23:58Hans Hopp.
00:23:59No, no, that's my name.
00:24:00Oh, I see.
00:24:01Hopp.
00:24:02Hans Hopp.
00:24:03Correct.
00:24:04Now, Hans Down.
00:24:05Yes, what do you say?
00:24:06I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:07I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:08That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:10Well, Constable, with all these similar names,
00:24:12you must have your hands full.
00:24:13Yes.
00:24:14Knew it.
00:24:15Perhaps you can help us, Constable Hopp.
00:24:16Perhaps.
00:24:17That would be your business, at,
00:24:19Constable Hopp.
00:24:20Oh, my name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:21Oh, my name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:22Oh, hello there.
00:24:23My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:24Hans Hopp.
00:24:25No, no.
00:24:26That's my name.
00:24:27Oh, I see.
00:24:28Hopp.
00:24:29Hans Hopp.
00:24:30Correct.
00:24:31Now, hands down.
00:24:32Yes, what is he?
00:24:33I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:34I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:35That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:36Constable, with all these similar names,
00:24:37you must have your hands full.
00:24:38Yes, knew it.
00:24:39at castle orlock well you see my name is marissa orlock and my late father lived there
00:24:45somehow i don't think dad was the president of the local kiwanis club
00:24:51you don't mean to say you're marina's orlock's daughter yes yes you don't mean to say it
00:24:58no i do mean to say it let me rephrase this are you not marina's orlock's daughter yes yes you're
00:25:04not no yes i am let's make this simple this is marissa orlock i'm dexter ward we're looking
00:25:12for castle orlock and we're all here to play super password young lady i seriously suggest
00:25:19that you stay away from the castle it has been boarded up since your father's death there's
00:25:25no one up there now at least no one
00:25:29who's playing that one well that's nonsense i received a telegram stating that my uncle byron
00:25:43had already arrived there he's back byron orlock is back now no one will be safe not our wives
00:25:50our children our mistresses and he's coming in on the new train hey wait a minute i'm in the wrong
00:25:58movie you're not telling me that byron orlock is back oh no wait a minute don't start that again
00:26:04what what's wrong with everybody wrong nothing is wrong little man you must make allowances
00:26:12these are but superstitious peasants afraid of their own shadows
00:26:16you see what i mean there is much to fear in the shadows and even more to fear from vampires
00:26:31there were legends many years ago but fairy tales too frightened children tell me constable
00:26:48where do legends end and facts begin what is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition
00:26:53and how can you tell the groom at a polish wedding i'm afraid you have made a loss
00:26:59uh-huh i thought as much you are marissa orlock yes i'm dr victor van helsing it was i who sent
00:27:06you that telegram my car for a good time call victor van helsing vampire honor i don't understand
00:27:14i've been awaiting your arrival you may share my coach oh wait wait wait wait
00:27:19invade my son i once had a boy just like you here take this it will protect you from evil
00:27:29thanks wait a minute buddy that'll be a buck seventy five oh man
00:27:36you know my father marinis and i were colleagues many years ago then something happened and i never
00:27:50saw him again a few days ago i learned that he had died and i had been named executor of the state
00:27:54and that's when you contacted me correct you and your uncle are the only two known living heirs
00:27:58the old lady in the gift shop if you must know here this might come in handy does this name
00:28:13the old lady in the gift shop if you must know here this might come in handy and we're going steady
00:28:17driver
00:28:43i don't care what anyone says this hurts
00:28:50are you really a vampire hunter is that card some kind of joke young lady i never joke about vampires
00:29:12and i don't know where we're talking about furry flying bats we are speaking of the undead
00:29:19undead what do you mean not alive they are neither dead nor alive sounds like my agent i am referring to
00:29:25the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased they arise from their coffins to feed upon the blood
00:29:30of the living that's my agent all right i've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work so
00:29:35uh there's a lot of money in this stuff i was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition
00:29:39even as a child
00:29:42mr what's happening i don't know either the projectionist is falling asleep or van helsing's having a flashback
00:29:48of course vampire hunting has its moments of tension even for a small boy victor victor van helsing
00:30:03yes mrs caldwell are you responsible for that
00:30:18yes mrs caldwell
00:30:20yes mrs caldwell
00:30:21yes mrs caldwell
00:30:22yes mrs caldwell
00:30:23yes mrs caldwell
00:30:24yes mrs caldwell
00:30:25bring it here
00:30:29now i want you to write on the blackboard i will not stake vampires in glass
00:30:33and i want you to do it fifty times
00:30:36another flashback
00:30:37don't worry i think it's the last one
00:30:39oh good
00:30:40gosh bettyloo i really like you
00:30:42and i really like you victor
00:30:44you're not like the other girls
00:30:46i was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that
00:30:49somehow you're more mature than the others
00:30:52well i am nineteen
00:30:54nineteen
00:30:56but that's not true
00:30:58but that's not true
00:31:00nineteen
00:31:01nineteen
00:31:02but that's not old
00:31:03nineteen hundred
00:31:06that's old
00:31:09perhaps we ought to start back home it is getting rather late
00:31:12later than you think victor
00:31:14please
00:31:15no hickeys
00:31:17don't worry victor i'll still respect you in the morning
00:31:20i think we both need a drink first
00:31:23perhaps you're right
00:31:25may help to warm our blood
00:31:27ladies first
00:31:29yes
00:31:30holy water
00:31:32don't leave home without it
00:31:46from that time onward i've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil
00:31:50ah they really do exist
00:31:53i assure you they exist
00:31:56in fact there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity
00:31:59i destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening
00:32:03maybe you could mail me that book
00:32:05now you two have nothing to fear while under my protection i may be kindly doctor van helsing to you but to the undead i am the son of sam
00:32:16you know
00:32:17frightened
00:32:18frightened
00:32:19me
00:32:20you don't swallow that
00:32:21you don't swallow that do you
00:32:22i swallowed it
00:32:23you don't know
00:32:24you don't know
00:32:25you don't know
00:32:26you don't know
00:32:27you don't know
00:32:28you don't know
00:32:29you don't know
00:32:30what could be more romantic
00:32:31high noon on the mojave desert
00:32:33listen
00:32:34the hills are alive with the sound of music
00:32:36he's gonna sing folks time at that snack bar
00:32:42next year you're not gonna sing
00:32:44uh-huh
00:32:45but why throw a light-hearted song in a town like this
00:32:48listen
00:32:49let me tell you all about it
00:32:51take one
00:32:52bad little melody
00:32:54write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together now
00:32:58oh wow
00:32:59think of the royalties
00:33:01i'm making
00:33:03oh
00:33:05and in a bit
00:33:07yeah
00:33:09i'll have a hit
00:33:12and you can bet
00:33:14i'll sell cassettes
00:33:16and cds
00:33:19hey there
00:33:20i'll write some djs
00:33:22and this little song of mine
00:33:24will climb up the charts now
00:33:26oh wow
00:33:27think of the royalties
00:33:29i'm making
00:33:33who cares if it's good or not
00:33:36it doesn't matter
00:33:39instead of really
00:33:41kids will buy anything
00:33:43then charge it today
00:33:47so hey there
00:33:56i got a song here
00:33:58and some cutesy lyrics and i'll put them together now
00:34:01oh wow
00:34:03wow
00:34:04think of the royalties
00:34:05all
00:34:07gonna make
00:34:08do you get very many girls that way
00:34:13no but it kills three minutes
00:34:15castle orlock just ahead
00:34:17of
00:34:19hayden
00:34:21겠다
00:34:23o
00:34:24q
00:34:25it
00:34:26clock
00:34:27just ahead
00:34:29z
00:34:31or
00:34:32you
00:34:33and
00:34:34here
00:34:35you
00:34:36and
00:34:36you
00:34:37you
00:34:37and
00:34:38you
00:34:39you
00:34:40and
00:34:40the
00:34:42you
00:34:43and
00:34:43I
00:34:44would
00:34:46and
00:34:46All right, girls, it's party time.
00:35:16Whoop, whoop, whoop.
00:35:19Castor, lock everybody out.
00:35:25Hey.
00:35:27Oh, man.
00:35:29Well, you're getting no tips from me.
00:35:32What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:34What frightened himself?
00:35:36It's as if a blight had settled over this land.
00:35:38Notice the singular lack of vegetation, the scarcity of animal life,
00:35:42the absence of major league sporting events.
00:35:44It's not much of a castle, really.
00:35:47I'm sure it's the best they could afford on a budget.
00:36:07Maybe it's bingo night.
00:36:09Perhaps they can't hear us.
00:36:10Don't be ridiculous.
00:36:11We're making enough noise to raise.
00:36:14The dead.
00:36:16You must leave this place at once.
00:36:19Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:36:22Lord Byron left strict instructions that he was to receive no visitors.
00:36:25Nonsense.
00:36:26I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I'm expected.
00:36:28And I'm Marissa Orlach, and I'm also expected.
00:36:31And you?
00:36:32I'm Dexter Ward.
00:36:33I'm along for the comedy relief.
00:36:35That's a matter of opinion.
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir.
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside.
00:36:42Well, that's what it looks like.
00:36:45I meant escort us in.
00:36:47Very well.
00:36:49Let it be on your heads.
00:36:51Let what be on our heads?
00:36:53End.
00:36:53Oh, my goodness.
00:37:07Would you look at this place?
00:37:09You suppose our interior decorator is among the living?
00:37:12Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:15I never met my uncle, as a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had one until I received
00:37:26your telegram.
00:37:27Well, I never met him either, but I understand he was the black sheep of the family.
00:37:31He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:34Yeah, I think I went to school with him.
00:37:36According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago.
00:37:40Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall the title, do you?
00:37:46Well, my memory's not quite what it used to be, but it was either the Book of Ulthar
00:37:51or the latest Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:53Does anybody know what happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:01Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you.
00:38:11That's not me.
00:38:12I'm standing here.
00:38:13That's a painting of me.
00:38:15Must be an ancestor of mine.
00:38:18Wonder who she is.
00:38:19I don't know, but I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:23Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:44I'm sorry.
00:38:45I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:46There are a number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:49Damn!
00:38:50I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:53Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:55God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:02Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:07We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:10Yes, dear cousin.
00:39:11Come closer.
00:39:12I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:17Marissa!
00:39:18Marissa!
00:39:19Look out!
00:39:20Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:22That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:23If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:24All I remember is staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:25Well, look at me.
00:39:26They're your relatives.
00:39:27I see the chandelier.
00:39:28It has fallen a game.
00:39:29Oh, it has fallen a game.
00:39:30It's not that noсть of a saint.
00:39:31You've got to have fallen.
00:39:32There's never been gone.
00:39:33Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:34That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:36If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:37I only remember staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:39Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:40That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:45But the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:48I only remember staring at the portrait, and then...
00:39:52Well, look at me.
00:39:53They're your relatives.
00:39:54I see the chandelier.
00:39:55That's falling into game.
00:39:56It always does that, when we have guests.
00:40:04Lord Orlark?
00:40:06I am Byron Orlark.
00:40:08And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:11Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:14Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:17I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:21Then you have Melanus's master will be tested.
00:40:25Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:29An honor, sir. And you are Marissa?
00:40:32Yes.
00:40:33The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:37My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:42But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:45This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron. He's a friend.
00:40:48Of anyone in particular? Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:52Lord Orlark, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:02Ah.
00:41:03But first, Marissa Orlark.
00:41:05You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:07I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:13There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:17Even as a child, Melanus disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:23Well, come now. You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:31Permit me to show you to your room.
00:41:35Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:38Even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:42His last letter to me began, dear shithead.
00:41:47Sorry to hear that.
00:41:49You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:53These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:57This is Roderick Orlark.
00:42:00Thief, drug addict, professional assassin, and part-time used car sales.
00:42:07And this is Linole Orlark, blackmailer, harlot, murderous, and two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:25She died in the madhouse.
00:42:28Is that hereditary?
00:42:30And surely this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:36Hans Orlark, sodomist, incest, pedophile, and member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:51I wax nostalgia.
00:42:54Stefan!
00:42:56Yes, your lord?
00:42:59Where'd he come from?
00:43:00Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:04I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:07Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:09Stefan, gather their luggage and take it to their room.
00:43:14Yes, my lord.
00:43:16He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:20Totally perplexing.
00:43:23Come with me.
00:43:26You'll have a few hours to freshen up before the service.
00:43:30Services?
00:43:31For your father, Marinus Orlark's funeral will be held downstairs.
00:43:36Precisely.
00:43:37At midnight.
00:43:38At midnight.
00:43:46And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into bats.
00:43:50Pure nonsense.
00:43:51True, they can change into frogs, flounders, aardbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs, but never bats.
00:43:56I say.
00:43:57Say you'll help me.
00:43:58I must leave this place.
00:43:59You're my only hope.
00:44:00Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:01It's Lord Orlark.
00:44:02He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:03He's taken everything away.
00:44:04My freedom.
00:44:05My vibrator.
00:44:06My traveler's checks.
00:44:07And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:08Oh, you must help me.
00:44:09You're my only hope.
00:44:10You must.
00:44:11There, there.
00:44:12Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:31I told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:37Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:41No between-meal snacks.
00:44:45I go to your room. You're grounded.
00:44:53My apologies, Doctor. My daughter
00:44:57sometimes becomes overly agitated. You see, we do not get too many
00:45:01visitors to the castle. Difficult to imagine
00:45:05why. Lord Orlark!
00:45:09You have something on your mouth.
00:45:13Ah, too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:35Marissa?
00:45:41How did I know?
00:45:49Marissa?
00:45:51What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:01I'm sorry. I'm looking for Marissa Orlark.
00:46:03Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:07No, no, I apologize for...
00:46:11Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:13You're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:15Yes.
00:46:17Sure, I just saw you in that movie with Jack Nicholson, the terror.
00:46:21Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:25I don't believe me.
00:46:27Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:31For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:35You're kidding me!
00:46:37Jeez, that-that-that drive me crazy.
00:46:39You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:41No. No. Hey, I-I've only been here an hour in this spook house,
00:46:45and-and I'm already starting to go Looney Tunes.
00:46:47Ah.
00:46:49Perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:51Maybe.
00:46:53I-I gotta go, Boris.
00:46:55Try and get out, Boris.
00:46:59So that's how they made all those moves.
00:47:01I'm sorry.
00:47:03I'm sorry.
00:47:05I'm sorry.
00:47:07I'm sorry.
00:47:09I'm sorry.
00:47:11I'm sorry.
00:47:13I'm sorry.
00:47:14I'm sorry.
00:47:16I'm sorry, but...
00:47:18I'm sorry.
00:47:20I'm sorry.
00:47:22I know you were having all those movies.
00:47:44I don't know.
00:48:14I don't know.
00:48:16Hello?
00:48:17They're here.
00:48:21Well, no one ever said I was handsome, ma'am.
00:48:29What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am.
00:48:33Does that displease you?
00:48:35I didn't hear you come in.
00:48:36Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:38Very well.
00:48:39You're stepping.
00:48:42Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:44Oh, yes.
00:48:45Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:49Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:51Master Marinus is still dead.
00:48:54Well, what's the good news?
00:48:56There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:03Oh, come, Melissa.
00:49:10I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:13These are my adopted daughters.
00:49:14Patti.
00:49:15Hmm.
00:49:16Maxine.
00:49:17And LaBerthe.
00:49:18I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:20These are my adopted daughters.
00:49:22Patti.
00:49:23Patti.
00:49:24Hmm.
00:49:25Maxine.
00:49:26And LaBerthe.
00:49:27We've met.
00:49:28Now for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:30Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:33Oh, come, Melissa.
00:49:35Oh, come, Melissa.
00:49:36I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:38These are my adopted daughters.
00:49:39Patti.
00:49:40Hmm.
00:49:41Maxine.
00:49:42And LaBerthe.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:44And LaBerthe.
00:49:45Now for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:47Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:52Hit it.
00:50:14Ah.
00:50:15Ah.
00:50:16Ah.
00:50:17Ah!
00:50:18Ah!
00:50:19Ah!
00:50:38Ah!
00:50:39Ah!
00:50:40It's an old family costume.
00:50:42custom. Now if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I, we'll take the coffin
00:50:49below. Below? Yes, all the Orloks are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle. Where else?
00:51:04I don't like this.
00:51:12What's that? A rubber bat. We keep them down here for atmosphere. Put it up, Ego.
00:51:27Hey, what's that noise? Rubber rats, no doubt. No, it's coming from inside the coffin.
00:51:35Muscular contractions, not uncommon after death. Muscular contractions? This guy's doing the
00:51:42machine. Found a workout in here. Allow me to assure you, Marinus Orlok is dead. Oh, you've assured
00:51:50me and I want to try convincing him. As I was saying, Marinus has taken his place with the rest
00:51:55of our family. And now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness. Gee, it's a little
00:52:07like looking forward to Christmas, isn't it? Now, in accordance with your father's last wish, we shall
00:52:15view the will. You? Apparently, Marinus videotaped his last will and testament. I suppose you might call it
00:52:21the late show.
00:52:33You know, call me frivolous, but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here?
00:52:38Hello. I, Marinus Orlok, being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties, herewith declare
00:53:00my last will and testament. But let this not be a somber occasion. Come on, kiddies! Let's have some fun!
00:53:10Whoa! Today, 2M will compete for a fortune in dance and prizes on the Newly Dead Games! And now, here's your host for the Newly Dead Games, the late but irrepressible, Marinus Orlok! Hey, Marinus, come on down!
00:53:29Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, friends on air. But first, let us meet our two contestants.
00:53:47That's right, Marinus. She's a singer, musician, and composer living in Los Angeles, California. Let's hear it for Marissa Orlach.
00:53:56Contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania.
00:54:00His hobbies include stamp collecting, leather craft, and necrophilia. Ladies and gentlemen, Byron Orlach.
00:54:10Now, I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight. So let's take a look at their wonderful prizes.
00:54:19It's a castle. Yes, it's Castle Orlach, one of the most dreaded places on Earth. This stately matter comes
00:54:26complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse.
00:54:29But wait, that's not all. You'll also receive this Swiss bank account.
00:54:34Total retail value of the affordable price, seven and a half million dollars.
00:54:39And now, it's time for you, right here in our studio audience, to pick the winner with your applause.
00:54:48Ladies and gentlemen, who will receive this fabulous estate?
00:54:53Is it to be contestant number one, Marissa?
00:54:56Or will it be contestant number two?
00:55:05And the winner is Marissa Orlach.
00:55:09But no one walks away a loser. Johnny, tell Byron about his consolation prize.
00:55:18It's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage.
00:55:22Yes, Byron, you'll probably have to leave the castle now.
00:55:25So here are the bags to send you on your way.
00:55:27And everyone will receive a copy of our home game for playing with family and friends.
00:55:34That's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc.
00:55:38And now, on to our bonus round.
00:55:42Hidden somewhere in the castle, some lucky viewer may find the Book of Ulta.
00:55:49Is that a book?
00:55:51Now, let's take a look at our bonus prize clue.
00:55:55If anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue, the Book of Ulta could be yours.
00:56:06And that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game.
00:56:12For now, this is your host, Marissa Orlach, saying goodnight and goodbye, kiddies!
00:56:25Oh, Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset.
00:56:33Congratulations, my dear.
00:56:35I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlach.
00:56:40As long as you live.
00:56:47I will have that...
00:56:49Book.
00:56:51He didn't take that very well, did he?
00:57:02Oh, hell, I don't even want this place.
00:57:04Uncle Byron can have it.
00:57:05I think he was a little more concerned about the Book of Ulta.
00:57:08Then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does.
00:57:12Oh, right.
00:57:13I only have three little problems, pal.
00:57:15One, I don't know where it is.
00:57:17Two, I don't know where to look.
00:57:19And three, I have no idea what that clue meant.
00:57:21Then perhaps we should ask someone who does.
00:57:26Marinus Orlach himself.
00:57:28The spirit world is trouble tonight.
00:57:47This seance could be dangerous.
00:57:49Do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:50Perhaps.
00:57:51Can't you feel it?
00:57:53Death is nearby.
00:57:54Do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower.
00:57:59Everyone, join hands.
00:58:03With each other.
00:58:07Now everyone, concentrate.
00:58:10Oh, spirit world, we reach out for you.
00:58:13Do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15If so, give us some sort of sign.
00:58:22I think that's a no.
00:58:24Maybe.
00:58:26But we must press on.
00:58:28Oh, spirit world, we seek audience with Marinus Orlach.
00:58:32Send us a guide that we may find him.
00:58:37What's he doing?
00:58:39He's channeling.
00:58:42Wait a minute.
00:58:44Wrong channel.
00:58:46This is ridiculous.
00:58:48This is absolutely absurd.
00:58:49Listen to me.
00:58:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey, yeah.
00:58:54Doctor, who have we reached?
00:58:55Well, it ain't Howard Hughes, ma'am.
00:58:57Are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59Uh-huh.
00:59:00That's right, sir.
00:59:02Just a couple of things I want to get out right up front.
00:59:04Speak, spirit.
00:59:05Well, first of all, just found out all my money's still good up here.
00:59:08So have RCA send all my back royalties to me.
00:59:10And second, tell them gumsuckers at the Enquirer that I really am dead.
00:59:13I go through circulation.
00:59:16Wait a minute.
00:59:17Wait a minute.
00:59:18But I feel the spirit that's a little stronger than the rest.
00:59:21I'm fading away.
00:59:23I'm fading away.
00:59:24I can feel myself fading away.
00:59:27And don't forget to keep buying my arms.
00:59:29And now, the end.
00:59:37Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the body.
00:59:48Marissa?
01:00:01Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:02Keep away!
01:00:04Marissa, what's wrong?
01:00:05Your mother sells socks in hell.
01:00:07My mother does what?
01:00:09She's obviously possessed.
01:00:11You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this since they cancelled Star Search.
01:00:18Well, that does it for this jacket.
01:00:38Cream the mint.
01:00:41Dexamonite, are you all right?
01:00:44Never felt better.
01:00:47Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:50I am the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:56What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok must not gain possession of that book.
01:01:01I alone have the power to challenge him.
01:01:04This body shall serve as my dwelling.
01:01:07I think it's already occupied.
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:09You know not what horrors you face.
01:01:14The evil one waits beyond.
01:01:17Beyond where?
01:01:17The evil one waits.
01:01:22Beyond.
01:01:25Quickly!
01:01:25We must perform an emergency exorcism!
01:01:27What?
01:01:27Fortunately, I took that in my first aid class.
01:01:29Oh, and I wasted time on mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
01:01:31Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:32Evil spirit.
01:01:34I cast you out!
01:01:35Be gone.
01:01:36Depart.
01:01:37Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:38Get lost.
01:01:38Get the lid out.
01:01:38Hit the road, Jack.
01:01:39Arms gray!
01:01:40Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh, not much.
01:01:45We just met another family member, that's all.
01:01:48I don't understand.
01:01:49Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:51We could all use a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:55It's all the same to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here and watch the rest of Carson.
01:01:59Ah, it's getting a little weird, a little strange.
01:02:01What's going on up at that cursed castle?
01:02:11Tell me that!
01:02:12No one knows.
01:02:13No one wants to know.
01:02:14I want to know.
01:02:16Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:18Byron Orlark is in that castle, and he's brought death and destruction with him.
01:02:25Now, Orlark can stay, but death and destruction have got to go.
01:02:29Ah!
01:02:29God knows what unholy rites he's performing there.
01:02:34Meanwhile, we sit here like sheep.
01:02:36Yeah!
01:02:38All this evil must end!
01:02:40Yeah!
01:02:40What do we do about it?
01:02:42Let him go on with his black magic, or send him back to the hell he came from?
01:02:47Yeah!
01:02:49Can you put that to a vote?
01:02:50Oh, why bother?
01:02:51They're all in this together, those Americans and that Van Helsing fellow?
01:02:54I say we go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, burn down the castle, and kill everyone inside!
01:03:01Yeah!
01:03:03Wait a minute!
01:03:04I'd rather go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, but leave the castle intact!
01:03:08No, no, no!
01:03:09Let's burn the castle!
01:03:10Kill everyone inside!
01:03:11But let Byron Orlark be!
01:03:13All right, all right, all right!
01:03:15Who's for destroying Byron Orlark?
01:03:17Yeah!
01:03:18Right!
01:03:19You are group one going to back there!
01:03:21Now, who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23Yeah!
01:03:25Right!
01:03:25You are group two over here!
01:03:27And finally, who would just like to kill everyone inside?
01:03:30Yeah!
01:03:31Yes, yes, you four are there, right there!
01:03:35What about you, Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering all me options!
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans!
01:03:40Think of the fun we'll have burning down the castle!
01:03:44No!
01:03:45Come with us!
01:03:47We're going to have more fun killing everyone inside!
01:03:49I just don't know!
01:03:52Never mind!
01:03:53You make up your mind when you get there!
01:03:56All right!
01:03:58Take tortures!
01:03:59Weapons!
01:03:59Anything you can carry!
01:04:02Come on, guys!
01:04:04Let's get a real inch more mentality going here!
01:04:08Are you with me?
01:04:24Hey, fellas!
01:04:26Wait up!
01:04:29They're all in their rooms!
01:04:36Or in their coffins!
01:04:38Listen, Marissa, I have to find that book!
01:04:41Even if I've been searching this entire castle from top to bottom, so...
01:04:44You stay here!
01:04:45Oh, no, you're not leaving me behind!
01:04:47I'm here with three homicidal cousins, one lumbering butler,
01:04:50and an uncle who turns off the television with a bazooka launcher!
01:04:52Yeah, yeah, wait till you meet my relatives!
01:04:55Have you ever considered the fact that they're really trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes, and they're doing a fine job!
01:04:59From now on, we stick together!
01:05:00Okay, and after this is over, we stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well, I think it was a proposition.
01:05:07You want to hear something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:09I could really go for a guy like you.
01:05:12You want to hear something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go for you.
01:05:16You're right.
01:05:17That is funnier.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:48Creature of evil!
01:05:50Be gone!
01:05:51What are you, some kind of religious nut?
01:05:54Stand back, lest I cast your soul into eternal perdition.
01:05:57You're taking this whole thing far too seriously.
01:06:00Uh, Crucifex, it doesn't repel you?
01:06:04Not particularly.
01:06:06Besides, this whole thing is only a dream sequence.
01:06:10Dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it.
01:06:13It's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner.
01:06:16Well, then I guess I'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:19Not exactly.
01:06:21You see, whatever happens in a dream could also be happening in real life.
01:06:26I see.
01:06:27Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right.
01:06:30You're up to your neck in trouble.
01:06:32Ow.
01:06:49Ow.
01:06:49One could acquire a taste for this stuff.
01:07:19It's just me, or are things getting weird?
01:07:22No, it's just you.
01:07:24Here, you hang on to these.
01:07:25I'll trip over the furniture for a while.
01:07:27Okay.
01:07:28Hey, what's behind this door?
01:07:30I think I'd rather have what's behind the curtain.
01:07:34Oh, my goodness!
01:07:36It looks just like...
01:07:37Yeah, 3-D!
01:07:39Oh, this is wild!
01:07:41Look, Dix.
01:07:43Put on your 3-D glasses now.
01:07:46Did you bring them?
01:07:47I thought you had them.
01:07:48I don't have them.
01:07:49Oh, damn!
01:07:50Too bad.
01:07:51This could have been a great sequence.
01:07:53What kind of nutty family did I get myself born into?
01:07:56Oh, relax, will you?
01:08:08I'll flip you to see your faints first.
01:08:13You've played a good game, boy.
01:08:17Now your time has come.
01:08:19Marissa!
01:08:20Duck!
01:08:29A swing and a miss on Dexter Ward.
01:08:32I'll tell you, it's a great night for a baseball game.
01:08:34I'm Stu Nahan, and we're here at the Castle Urlock.
01:08:37Now, Dexter's having a great year.
01:08:39He's hitting .498.
01:08:40I'll tell you, that's a big batting average.
01:08:42Four home runs.
01:08:43Something like 49 RBIs and 16 stolen bases.
01:08:48All right.
01:08:49Here's the wind-up.
01:08:51And the pitch.
01:08:53There's the deep drive going out to right field.
01:08:55Lebevsky going back.
01:08:56He's at the track.
01:08:57He's at the wall.
01:08:58My gosh, it's out of here!
01:09:14Forward, man!
01:09:16We must not falter in our purpose!
01:09:20What is it?
01:09:31It's seeing there's some sort of supernatural sphere
01:09:33or the damnedest Christmas ornament I've ever seen!
01:09:36Or what will we do now?
01:09:37Up is down!
01:09:38I'm down!
01:09:39He's out!
01:09:40Well, let's get up, up!
01:09:41Handful!
01:09:42Sure, but I can still help.
01:09:43Or let's get the wheel laddy up on his feet!
01:09:45Help me with his hands, hands!
01:09:46Which hands?
01:09:47His hands!
01:09:48His hands!
01:09:49Oh!
01:09:50Oh, no!
01:09:51Oh, Derno!
01:09:52Derno!
01:09:53Are you all right?
01:09:54Am I?
01:09:55Who am I?
01:09:56What film is this?
01:09:57Huff!
01:09:58He's coming, too!
01:09:59Oh, yes!
01:10:00I remember you!
01:10:01Hans Huff!
01:10:02If you say so.
01:10:03Ah!
01:10:06You know, maybe we should just call it,
01:10:07and I've been through enough already.
01:10:09It's keeping me going as well as nervous energy.
01:10:11Hang on.
01:10:12We've looked upstairs,
01:10:14we've looked downstairs,
01:10:15we've looked everywhere,
01:10:16except...
01:10:18Wait a minute.
01:10:19That's it.
01:10:20That's gotta be it.
01:10:21Come on.
01:10:25What's it?
01:10:26What's gotta be it?
01:10:27Oh, look, look!
01:10:28She's been pointing the way the whole time!
01:10:29I don't see anything.
01:10:30Yeah, sure, look!
01:10:34Doorway to the crypt.
01:10:35Come on.
01:10:46It's gotta be here.
01:10:47Marissa?
01:10:48Marissa?
01:10:49Marissa?
01:10:50Come in.
01:10:51Come in.
01:10:52Come in.
01:10:53Come in.
01:10:54Come in.
01:10:55Come in.
01:10:56Come in.
01:10:57Come in.
01:10:58Marissa!
01:11:02Yeah, yeah!
01:11:03I don't know.
01:11:14It's not.
01:11:15It's not.
01:11:16It's not.
01:11:17It's not.
01:11:18It's not.
01:11:19It did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:47Daddy will be so proud.
01:12:13Good laugh, a bit worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:15Ah, young man. From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book. How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large, unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:27No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:31That's reassuring. Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:36I've been seeking this volume for nearly fifty years.
01:12:40But now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:47And what do you intend to do with it, hmm?
01:12:49Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:58Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign, complete and utter chaos.
01:13:07Why would you want to do that?
01:13:11Because I'm evil. Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:16Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:25There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:29Oh, ancient evil one, hear these mystic incantations, and come forth!
01:13:42Hawkes-bowkes, shooby-dooby, do-do-do, run-run.
01:13:48Pa-boo-mow-mow!
01:13:52I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:08Fire on our luck!
01:14:18Ah, Lady Marissa, you come back.
01:14:22And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:25I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:28You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man,
01:14:33and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:37But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:43But now it's finally time to take things in hand.
01:14:47And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear Honour.
01:14:50Van Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them!
01:14:53Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:57I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:00At last all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:05And even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:12You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:17Oh.
01:15:19Well adieu, then.
01:15:21Even...
01:15:23to the death.
01:15:34Hey, Orlok!
01:15:36Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:52Yes!
01:15:53You fools, you fools!
01:16:19I'll be back in part two!
01:16:23Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:34Marissa, I was hoping you could tell me.
01:16:40Oh, that sound!
01:16:42It's horrible!
01:16:43Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:46Look!
01:16:53Where is it?
01:17:00Oh, my God!
01:17:02It's the evil one!
01:17:03Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:06Bad housing!
01:17:07What are we going to do?
01:17:08Don't ask me, dear fellow.
01:17:09Vampires, I know.
01:17:10But this love crab stuff is out of my league.
01:17:13Marissa?
01:17:14Marissa?
01:17:15She's being possessed.
01:17:16Again?
01:17:17Yes, she's being repossessed.
01:17:18Sorry, folks.
01:17:19To save yourselves, you must destroy the Book of Ulthar.
01:17:23You're kidding!
01:17:24Destroy him!
01:17:25Or this body will never put out for you.
01:17:26You got it, lady!
01:17:28You got it, lady!
01:17:48Oh!
01:17:49Lady
01:18:20Dexter.
01:18:22Dexter, my good fellow, are you all right?
01:18:25I think so. I sure could have used a stunt double, though.
01:18:28For a moment, we thought you weren't going to make it.
01:18:30You better get him back to the castle. I'll take care of things here.
01:18:33Hey, wait a minute, Doc. You're a vampire now. What are you going to do?
01:18:38Oh, they're not a bad sword, really. Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:42Besides, I always wanted to see how the other half lived, if that's the right word.
01:18:46Well, you two run along.
01:18:49Maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park.
01:19:05What do you think? You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:08Oh, come on, Miss Maris. Tomorrow's going to be great.
01:19:11Hey, things will look a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:13It's never morning around here. It's just one endless night.
01:19:19What's that?
01:19:21I don't believe this. It's the same everywhere.
01:19:23You must want lousy payment, and they shut the power off.
01:19:28Oh, dear.
01:19:31Daddy!
01:19:32Oh, my wrist and my client, the pumpkin. Oh, shame, the magician. Oh.
01:19:38Then you weren't dead after her?
01:19:39Huh? No, my dear.
01:19:41I suffer from cataleptic spells which give the appearance of death.
01:19:46Why did you leave home without any word?
01:19:49A family legacy.
01:19:50It is the responsibility of the eldest child to guard the dimensional gateway on our land.
01:19:58Hey, come on, now. All's well with Iswell, huh?
01:20:00I mean, the book's gone, and so's old Bald Baringhead over there.
01:20:04Yeah, good riddance to bad rubbish.
01:20:07Daddy, a lot of strange things happen around here.
01:20:10Well, you'll get used to it. It is your responsibility now.
01:20:14Now, as the eldest child, you are obliged to stay here and prevent access of the evil one.
01:20:22As for me, I'm gonna go trout fishing in Canada.
01:20:27Daddy, I have a career.
01:20:29Hmm?
01:20:29I've got a record album and a video due out by the end of the year.
01:20:32Hey!
01:20:35I got an idea.
01:20:37Why don't we put on a show right here?
01:20:40Sweetie, what's this guy?
01:20:42You don't want to know.
01:20:43I'd have want to know.
01:20:44I don't want to know.
01:20:53Action!
01:20:53I heard your voice
01:20:55Thought it was a dream
01:20:57So many faces
01:20:59Don't know what's real
01:21:01I'm screaming in the night
01:21:04How can I know
01:21:06What's wrong or right
01:21:09Caught in the middle of
01:21:11Tell me, is it true none of us cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:25Yes
01:21:26Yes
01:21:26It makes it a real bitch putting on makeup every night
01:21:29What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie to end with a bang
01:21:42I think it's going to
01:21:46Turned to the left
01:21:48Turned to the left
01:21:52Put up the fight
01:21:54I'm upside down
01:21:56You know it's not right
01:21:59So crazy as it's all
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart
01:22:03Which word to turn
01:22:05Heart in the middle of love
01:22:09Baby, you know
01:22:13Heart in the middle of love
01:22:16Baby, you know
01:22:20Heart in the middle of love
01:22:23How many times did I cry?
01:22:30Come up on you
01:22:31No matter what I try
01:22:33Talk to me, baby
01:22:35Say what I want to hear
01:22:36Do what you will
01:22:38It's in my ear
01:22:41I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station
01:23:00Never mind, where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk
01:23:04Then where is the Castle Orlach?
01:23:06According to this map
01:23:07We should be in the living room right now
01:23:09Something is wrong here
01:23:11No wonder
01:23:12This is a map of the Dominican Republic
01:23:16Oh
01:23:17Man, I say we give up
01:23:20Forget everything
01:23:22And go home
01:23:24Oh, wait a minute
01:23:26I say we give up
01:23:27Forget everything
01:23:28But not go home
01:23:29No, no
01:23:30We should forget everything
01:23:32Go home
01:23:33But never give up
01:23:35I'll make a compromise
01:23:36We'll give up
01:23:37Go home
01:23:38But remember everything
01:23:40Can we put that to a phone?
01:23:41No wonder
01:23:42No Ouch
01:23:45Why are we with andra
01:23:47issa
01:23:52No
01:23:52You can do this
01:23:54All the characters
01:23:54You can do this
01:23:55that is
01:23:56all the characters
01:23:56You can do this
01:23:57Well, and what are we here
01:23:58Bro juvenile
01:23:58What are we doing
01:23:59Dillon
01:24:00You can do this
01:24:00roadmap
01:24:01A
01:24:02Team
01:24:04First
01:24:04No
01:24:05I'm
01:24:05Dillon
01:24:06Most
01:24:06On
01:24:07Los
01:24:08Day