Martin Clunes is host, with guest panellists journalist Helen Lewis and comedian Ian Smith joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:00.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Martin Clunes.
00:42In the news this week, the latest AI humanoid goes home
00:45after experiencing its first happy hour at Wetherspoons.
00:55Following sweeping welfare reforms,
00:57there are fears the government's new fitness-to-work assessment
00:59could be too physically challenging.
01:07And as Donald Trump's trade policy collapses into chaos,
01:10government economists in The Herd and McDonald Islands
01:13frantically try to make sense of it all.
01:22On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:24who played Noah's son in the BBC drama The Ark,
01:27telling the biblical story of when humanity
01:29was on the brink of total disaster.
01:31But, of course, he can put all that behind him now.
01:34Please welcome Ian Smith.
01:42On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:45who says the greatest privilege in journalism
01:47is to go to places, witness history and write it down.
01:50And tell that to the poor sod who's following a Davies campaign trail.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:56APPLAUSE
02:02And so we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:05Ian and Ian, here's yours.
02:06Hooray! The world's going to end.
02:11That's HS2.
02:15That's the Chinese telling Trump where he can go.
02:18Bit of smoke.
02:20That's how slow car production is now in the UK.
02:23The trouble is, anything could have happened by the time we go out.
02:27Or, indeed, by the time I finish this sentence.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31His reactions change so rapidly that, you know, the story's gone.
02:36And all his supporters have to justify it.
02:38Which is the good bit.
02:40Because he says, they say, Trump's going to stand firm,
02:42he's not going to change, he's got a spine,
02:44he's not going to buckle.
02:45Whoa!
02:46He's gone.
02:47And then they say it was his plan all along.
02:49Yeah.
02:50They had this thing a couple of weeks ago, weren't they?
02:52The new phrase was, trust in Trump,
02:53until somebody pointed out what the initials stand for.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58Stop saying it.
02:59Stop saying it.
03:01And whenever I hear it now, I think it's President Truss,
03:04cos...
03:06He's done the same thing.
03:07Yes.
03:08He was claiming his tariff splurge was working right up until Wednesday.
03:11Let's have a look.
03:13I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up,
03:15kissing my ass.
03:17They are...
03:18They are dying to make it to you.
03:20Please, please, sir, make it to you.
03:21I'll do anything.
03:22I'll do anything, sir.
03:23Oh!
03:26How has he got his hair so rectangular there?
03:28It's like he's done it in a jelly mould or something.
03:31I think that's evening hair.
03:34When I heard him talk about Liberation Day,
03:35I kept thinking it was Liberace Day, cos...
03:38LAUGHTER
03:42He's incredibly campy,
03:43he's got small hands and he's really...
03:46He's really bitchy.
03:48He would love that, though.
03:50Sorry.
03:51I thought I just saw Ian attempting to impersonate Liberace.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:58Sorry, Mr Merton, it's time to take you away now.
04:00It is.
04:01The world's turned upside down.
04:03Honestly, to boast about other countries coming and crawling to you
04:07and kissing arse...
04:09I mean, yes, he is an arse, but...
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13It's really frustrating for us as well, because we...
04:15We kissed his arse before anyone else did.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19That was all we had to brag, is that we were on 10%.
04:22Now everyone's on 10%.
04:23Yeah.
04:24Could have at least put us on, like, 9.5%.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29Yeah, the bloody penguins are on 10% and they didn't even offer up their king.
04:32Yeah.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34APPLAUSE
04:40But the penguins are wearing suits.
04:47Thank you very much.
04:48Anybody know how Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leavitt,
04:51described his tough negotiating stance?
04:53Didn't she say it was the art of the deal?
04:55She said,
04:56President Trump has a spine of steel and he will not break.
05:00And a few hours later, do you know what Trump said?
05:0325% on steel.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06You have to have flexibility.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:13And, do you know, what reason did he give for his U-turn?
05:16People had got, er, the yippies?
05:18Or people had got yippie.
05:19That's absolutely right.
05:20I think that's a golfing term, I think.
05:21Let's have a look.
05:22Yeah, well, he's a golfer, isn't he?
05:23Well, I thought that people were, er, jumping a little bit out of line.
05:28They were getting yippie, you know?
05:30They were getting a little bit yippie, a little bit afraid.
05:34I thought yippie was what you said when something was good.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38See the stunned expressions of the people standing around him.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:43I mean, the good thing is, for those people,
05:45it's the first time they're hearing it too.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48But when people asked the White House questions about what had changed,
05:52the spokespeople didn't know.
05:54He hadn't told anybody.
05:56Maybe he hadn't told himself.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00He was just totally incoherent.
06:02I think that he's taking credit for reversing one of the most
06:05catastrophic decisions in the history of the American presidency.
06:08Yeah.
06:09It's like the fireman who comes in and says, OK, I set fire to the place,
06:12but look, I'm putting it out now.
06:15I wonder how Liberace would deal with a house.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18I wonder what that would look like.
06:21Your house is on fire.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:25And now I'm watching you do Liberace.
06:27Yeah.
06:28And nobody recognised who it was.
06:30Do you know how his team put a spin on his blinking port?
06:33Liberace? I've no idea.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Oh, no, they just thought...
06:37They said, oh, it's probably...
06:38They come up with all this nonsense about how he's some genius
06:40or something instead of having the intelligence of a brick.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44He plays fourth-dimensional chess or something somebody said
06:46at one point.
06:47Trolling to one Trump insider,
06:49some people seem to think Trump's playing chess,
06:51when most of the time the staff are just trying to stop him
06:53from eating the pieces.
06:55LAUGHTER
07:04And do you know who was ahead of everyone else
07:06in predicting what would happen?
07:08Mystic Meg.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11That was the Daily Star,
07:12who on Tuesday published this comparison
07:14with Liz Truss on their front page.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:20Do you know who might be getting out of the US
07:22before things get too tough?
07:24The entire population.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26It's Percy Pig.
07:28Percy's handlers, Marks and Spencers,
07:30are worried that bags of gelatinous chew
07:32will break the $4 mark and stop the Americans buying them.
07:35So they're thinking of pulling Percy out.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39I did that at a party once and I still regret it.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:44Moving on.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:47The equation for working out the tariffs
07:49has been ridiculed as childish.
07:51How did Trump's team try and enhance the credibility
07:54of their calculations?
07:55They put Greek letters in it
07:57on the basis that it's kind of fancy.
07:59They did. Let's have a look.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01Which is either a very complex formula
08:05or the name of Elon Musk's youngest.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10APPLAUSE
08:12They've actually put President Chi's name in.
08:18I know, I know.
08:20Chi minus...
08:21Me?
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23I mean, you say Trump and Chi, I'm sure it's just a coincidence
08:25there's also two arseholes in there.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Ian, here's a question for you.
08:30Which Ian?
08:31What?
08:32You.
08:33Oh.
08:34Any will do.
08:35Yeah.
08:36We should have nicknames.
08:37Have you ever had a nickname?
08:38I have.
08:39The accused.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41APPLAUSE
08:42Yeah.
08:43Big Smitty and the accused.
08:44Big Smitty and the accused.
08:45I don't like you.
08:46What's a panican?
08:47Well, yesterday I googled what is a tariff,
08:49so I don't think I'm...
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52It's one of Trump's jokes.
09:07Is it a panicking Republican?
09:09There you go.
09:10In his own words, it's a new party based on weak and stupid people.
09:15Which he isn't leading, to be clear.
09:17It's meant to be a play on the word Republican.
09:20the word Republican. It doesn't work on any level.
09:23Do you want to hear another Trump joke?
09:25Yeah, go on. Well, I don't think I've heard one yet, but...
09:28White House gardeners have had to cut down a magnolia tree
09:31planted by President Andrew Jackson around 1830.
09:35And it was replaced with a new sapling,
09:37which Trump has called the Maganolia Tree. You see?
09:41Oh!
09:43The 200-year-old magnolia tree that that replaced
09:46has seen a lot of presidential history.
09:48He's got a magnolia tree and planted it.
09:50FDR sat in its shade,
09:52and Joe Biden walked into it eight times.
09:59Does anybody know what Trump is using as a barometer
10:01for his success since taking office?
10:04Oh, the number of times he gets taken to court?
10:07Shall we have a look? Yeah. Yeah, let's have a look.
10:10Eggs. So when I got in,
10:12the press went absolutely crazy the first week.
10:15They said, eggs have quadrupled in price.
10:17I said, I just got here. Tell me about it.
10:22Shock news, eggs are going up.
10:24Yeah, and Netanyahu's thrilled.
10:26Can we bomb them now?
10:31The Republican whip, Tom Emmer,
10:33speaking at a Republican dinner,
10:34summed up how everyone's feeling about Trump now.
10:37President Trump is counting on it.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:49And we in the UK haven't imposed any tariffs yet.
10:52So Keir Starmer's keeping calm.
10:54It doesn't matter what she thinks.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59Do we know what Ed Davey's doing?
11:01Has he erected a series of hurdles at 10, 15% levels and is jumping?
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08I'm just guessing.
11:09Yeah, he's telling us to buy British.
11:11Let's have a look at this.
11:13There's this guy who's called President Trump
11:16and he's messing with our trade and is hurting us.
11:19Liberal Democrats say, fight back, buy British.
11:22And so I'm here in the Highlands in Scotland
11:25and I'm saying, buy square sausage.
11:28LAUGHTER
11:30It's hard to see how you can talk out of tune.
11:35Yeah.
11:39It probably just doesn't feel very comfortable that he's not on water.
11:46So this is Donald Trump's pause in tariffs for everyone but China.
11:50The USA and China's trade war has been described in the newspapers
11:53as tit for tat.
11:55America's got the tit and China's bringing the tat.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:59Trump's tariffs policy has been strongly defended
12:01by the White House press secretary, Caroline Leavitt.
12:04Apparently the only other candidate for the job was Ron Takeit
12:06and Bob Leggett.
12:08LAUGHTER
12:10Some of the highest tariffs have been imposed on Vietnam,
12:13Cambodia and Thailand, threatening the jobs of millions of children.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:20The UK is now considering putting tariffs on US products,
12:23including American toilet seats.
12:25Apparently they're number two export.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:30Yeah.
12:31Paul and Helen, here's yours.
12:33Yes, this is a man dressed as a rat.
12:35This is the sad situation in Birmingham at the moment.
12:38Oh, there's a 1928 cartoon suggesting that rats are pouring into
12:42Birmingham, which they are.
12:43So, yes, this has been going on now.
12:45How long is it? A month?
12:46A month now, yeah.
12:47And they declared...
12:48The state of emergency is probably overselling it slightly,
12:50but they certainly invoked emergency powers.
12:53Major incident.
12:54There we go.
12:55January, I think it started.
12:56Oh, did it?
12:57Yes.
12:58It's all a bit serious, isn't it?
12:59It's been horrible.
13:00Covered in 23,000 tonnes of festering rubbish.
13:03But on the plus side, only Fools and Horses the musicals
13:06aren't at the Birmingham Hippodrome.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08Someone suggested they should bring in the army.
13:12It does sound like the beginning of one of those adverts
13:15where they say, if you can collect a bin...
13:17LAUGHTER
13:19..you can drive a tank.
13:20Yeah.
13:21That's very good.
13:22We always go to the army very quickly on a situation...
13:25It doesn't feel like it's army level.
13:27What about lifeguards?
13:29Collecting rubbish isn't actually as straightforward as you might think,
13:33at least not judging by this man.
13:44According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded by rats
13:47the size of cats.
13:48The Eye newspaper said locals had reported seeing rats the size of cats.
13:52And you guessed it, the Daily Mail said the city was being overrun
13:55by rats the size of baby monkeys.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
14:03LAUGHTER
14:06APPLAUSE
14:08Then where does it end?
14:11It's dogs the size of horses.
14:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:14And then you've got an old woman swallowing a fly at the end of it.
14:17LAUGHTER
14:19Birmingham City Council say that they have made a fair offer to workers.
14:22Meanwhile, the Secretary of State for Local Government, Angela Rayner,
14:26has contributed to the situation by...
14:32Nothing, apparently.
14:34The government is refusing to act to actually clear this rubbish.
14:37The council won't clear it.
14:39The union won't back down.
14:41The council lost a billion pounds on an equal pay dispute,
14:45because the binmen, which we're not allowed to call them any more,
14:48they're waste recovery and disposal operatives, I think.
14:53Well, they used to be called refuse collectors,
14:55but people thought that meant that they refused to collect.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58Well, I think the Birmingham council is so incompetent,
15:01they thought they owed £750 million on equal pay games,
15:04and then they went, oh, it's actually only £250 million.
15:07Let's take a look at how agency binmen drafted in
15:10to replace those on strike reacted when they saw a rat.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:21Here comes the big one.
15:23Go on, my son!
15:25LAUGHTER
15:27Wes Streeting has said that the situation needs to be resolved
15:30as people's health is now at risk.
15:32Did anybody hear him on Radio 4's Today programme this week?
15:35Ah.
15:36Here he is shedding some light on a major issue of the day
15:38in an interview with Nick Robinson.
15:40Forgive me, this has been turning into a party election broadcast
15:43before, and I want to ask you some questions.
15:45No, it's not, Nick.
15:46There are some shortages of doctors on what we're actually doing.
15:48Let's report back on the reality.
15:50And against the backdrop of lots of cynicism,
15:52it's important that you do report back on what we're actually doing.
15:54So that's cleared that up.
15:57LAUGHTER
16:00So this is the news that the streets of Birmingham are piled high
16:03with rat-infested bin bags blocking pavements.
16:06In fact, it's so bad that Lenny Henry can't get out of his Premiere Inn.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration of how bad
16:15the rat problem is.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:19It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
16:21LAUGHTER
16:23People who like this item also like this.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:29Yes.
16:30It's time now for round two.
16:31Oh, yes.
16:32And with the news that overfishing may lead to a shortage of mackerel,
16:35what better time to employ the fishing rod of news?
16:39Yes.
16:41Fingers on buzzers, teams.
16:43Yep.
16:44Well, the float doesn't even match the one that you've got there.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:52They're Universal, they're going to build a big, sort of like,
16:55multi-acre park in Bedford, somewhere near Luton Airport.
16:58It's going to take six years to build but it's going to create 28,000 jobs.
17:01Keir Starmer tried to make a joke.
17:03He said,
17:04When people said getting into politics would be a roller coaster,
17:07I didn't think they meant like this.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Jesus Christ.
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13He also said,
17:14It's going to put Bedford on the map.
17:16Mm.
17:17Which is news to maps, I think.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20Well, Lisa Nandy told BBC Breakfast the park was likely to feature rides
17:24based on British favourites like Harry Potter, Paddington and James Bond.
17:28What did you get there?
17:29The Guardian suggested the park could feature a Minions-themed ride
17:33called the loop-de-doo-deep.
17:35Doop-dee.
17:36Do you know what you're saying?
17:38Just reading out this collection of letters.
17:41Can I tell you my favourite Minions fact?
17:43Yeah.
17:44Which is that canonically they serve the most evil person in the world
17:47at any time, so they've had to write it into Minions.
17:49Law that they were accidentally buried underground in the years,
17:52like, 1930 to 1945.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:56That's brilliant.
17:57It would be a very interesting prequel, though, wouldn't it?
18:00LAUGHTER
18:02It's annoying that we're going to have a Minions-themed roller coaster
18:05before HS2 is completed.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:09I read an article that said one of Universal's biggest films
18:12was Oppenheimer.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16If you want an Oppenheimer theme park, just nuke Bedford.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:23They're expecting 8.5 million visitors in the first year.
18:26Here's an artist's impression of what the park will look like.
18:29I don't want to alarm you, but one of the bits at the top of it
18:32is on fire.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35The BBC News went down there to have a look.
18:37Let's see how the builders are getting on.
18:39Yes, I'm standing on the site, as you can see.
18:41There's a big pile of bricks behind me.
18:44I'm standing in some brick rubble.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:49The Tourism Minister, Chris Bryant, responded to the news by saying,
18:52this will be absolutely transformational for the British
18:55tourism industry if we manage to pull it off.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:00What's the particularly good news for the locals of Bedford?
19:03Jobs.
19:05A train station?
19:06They haven't promised that, but they have promised a dedicated
19:09slip road off the A41.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:13As local MP Chris Curtis said, they say dreams only come true
19:18in Hollywood...
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20..but soon you will just need to take the A421 to Bedford.
19:24APPLAUSE
19:29And whilst we're on the subject of the A421,
19:31does anybody know what its claim to fame is?
19:33It was once the location of the fastest speeding incident
19:36ever recorded by British police when a man from Leamington Spa
19:40was filmed travelling at 157 miles per hour on the Tindwick bypass.
19:44Was he in a car?
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47In other news, what was Boris Johnson filmed doing
19:50with an ostrich this week?
19:52BUZZER
19:53No.
19:54BUZZER
19:55LAUGHTER
19:57Are you going to show it?
19:59Yeah.
20:00Yeah, go on.
20:01You think you're very good?
20:04Oh, great!
20:09LAUGHTER
20:10Really, some people never forget Brexit.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15Let's hope that ostrich has had its jabs.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:22His wife posted that.
20:24Mm.
20:25It's called a vendetta.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:29Last week we had footage of a woman being attacked by an ostrich.
20:32Yeah.
20:33Do you think they've sort of just copied that idea?
20:35Come on, Carrie, let's go and fight an ostrich and do a funny clip.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39We'll go viral!
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42Yeah, this will get me back as Prime Minister.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46Do you think he put a bag of sort of nuts and seeds in his lap
20:49in an attempt to make...
20:50Not for the first time!
20:51LAUGHTER
20:55That's how he did it.
20:56Yeah.
20:57Half a box of trill down there.
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59Yeah.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02In other Investing in Britain news,
21:04who's been showing an interest in British business?
21:07LAUGHTER
21:10The Japanese ambassador to the UK paid a visit
21:13to the Sarsen's malt vinegar factory in Manchester.
21:15Let's have a look at that.
21:16Look at that.
21:17I just can't think of fish and chips without sarsens.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:40Is this a hostage video?
21:42LAUGHTER
21:43What's he done wrong?
21:44He was chewing that like it was a Bush Tucker trial.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:49He's been doing lots of this, though.
21:50He's having the best time of anyone in Britain currently.
21:54He just goes and looks at things and goes,
21:55Oh, this week, Welsh cakes.
21:57It's just a great way to live.
21:58So, this is Universal's announcement of a new theme park in Bedford.
22:02By the way, if you're an American tourist
22:04and you're wondering how to get to Bedfordshire,
22:06it's up the wooden stairs.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09One of the attractions at the Universal theme park in Florida
22:12is based on Dracula.
22:14Oh.
22:15Which is a bit annoying,
22:16because obviously it's not open during the day.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:20It says get your rod out.
22:21Here we go.
22:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:24There it goes.
22:25BUZZER
22:27BUZZER
22:29BUZZER
22:30The King and Queen have visited Rome and that's the Colosseum.
22:33They were disappointed to find out that no shows are happening that day.
22:36They haven't happened for a few hundred years.
22:38He did some of his speech in Italian.
22:40Yeah, amazing.
22:41Which I didn't feel represented Britain very well.
22:44I think he should have just shouted his speech in English very loudly.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49And he got to meet the Pope as well, which was quite something.
22:52It's a big 20th wedding anniversary present, meeting the Pope.
22:55That's what they were out there for, 20th wedding anniversary.
22:58Usually 20th is China, but the tariffs are so high now.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:04APPLAUSE
23:06Very good.
23:07Yeah, how have royal observers been describing the trip?
23:10Huge success.
23:11Massive lash.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:14It was huge.
23:15An exercise in soft power.
23:17Mm.
23:18Where, according to the British ambassador Lord Llewellyn,
23:20the royal couple will do something intangible but priceless.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24Or, as Camilla told one onlooker,
23:26any excuse to be in Italy.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29They met Giorgia Maloney, the Prime Minister.
23:32They walked past some massive guards.
23:34Real whoppers.
23:35Look at them.
23:36Look at them.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Loads of them.
23:39There was incredible video footage of them,
23:41listening to the National Anthem from behind a hedge.
23:44Do you have that?
23:45I mean, they look like a sort of naughty seaside postcard.
23:48You can just see the top of them peeking over.
23:50It's delightful.
23:51We do have that clip.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53APPLAUSE
23:54Oh, it is.
23:55What?
23:56It could be a tofu-y tribute.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58Do you think they forgot to get dressed or something?
23:59Yes.
24:00They just said,
24:01quick, get on the balcony now!
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03King Charles presented Italy's President Mattarella
24:05with the Knight Grand Croft.
24:06of the Order of the Bath.
24:07And Camilla was given a margarita pizza.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10Which is named after Queen Margherita of Italy.
24:12I think a lot of the pizzas are named after royals,
24:15like Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy,
24:17and the Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy,
24:19and the Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:22APPLAUSE
24:23It's weird seeing a royal have a pizza, I think.
24:24Why?
24:25You ever thinking of Prince Andrew?
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27APPLAUSE
24:28The King also enjoyed another visit recently.
24:29The London Vegetable Orchestra came to see him at Windsor Bartholome.
24:31Yes.
24:32I think a lot of the pizzas are named after royals,
24:35like Prince Sloppy and the Prince Sloppy.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38It's weird seeing a royal have a pizza, I think.
24:42Why?
24:43You ever thinking of Prince Andrew?
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45APPLAUSE
24:48The King also enjoyed another visit recently.
24:55The London Vegetable Orchestra came to see him at Windsor Bartholome.
24:57Yes.
24:58Yes.
24:59And he played the carrot.
25:00He did.
25:01Yeah.
25:02Let's take a look at that.
25:03Yeah.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:18One is a reminder of Keir Starmer's relationship with Donald Trump.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:23APPLAUSE
25:28He's game though, isn't he?
25:29Yeah, he is.
25:30Yeah.
25:31How many other heads of state would play a carrot?
25:33Yeah, if you presented Donald Trump with a holiday aubergine,
25:36he wouldn't get a tune out of it.
25:38And that's why Britain is still great.
25:40Yeah.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42Oh, yes.
25:43This is the royal visit to Rome.
25:44The Queen told reporters that the secret to a lasting marriage was laughing at the same thing.
25:52Like Meghan's new Netflix show.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:55During their state visit, the King and Queen had an audience with His Holiness at the Vatican.
26:01Although there was an awkward moment when Camilla nipped out for a fag and the crowd thought they'd elected a new Pope.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07So it's time now for the odd one out round.
26:11Ian and Ian, your four are...
26:13The hawk has been attacking people.
26:25Yeah.
26:26Apparently.
26:27He attacked the same man twice, didn't he?
26:29Yes.
26:30I come from the north, I once saw a man throw a pigeon at another man like a weapon.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:37Just as a side note.
26:39So, come on, what's the odd one out?
26:41Well, has the pilot also been flying at the same person?
26:44LAUGHTER
26:46The tunnocked tea cakes have just been allowed back on planes.
26:50When I was younger, they weren't allowed on planes,
26:52because everybody thought they blew up.
26:54Did they have gelignite in them? What, back then, was it like lower food standards?
26:58And one of the ingredients is Semtex.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01No, I haven't made that up, have I?
27:03No, you haven't.
27:04They've been on the RAF's no-fly list since 1965,
27:07when a Tunnock's tea cake on board a nuclear bomber exploded
27:11and sprayed marshmallow all over the pilot's cockpit.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:18Well, they are flying again, and Lindsay Hoyle is the speaker.
27:22He's defending, going around in private jets and taking a lot of flights.
27:27So, it's about who's allowed to fly.
27:29I think the hawk's been captured.
27:31That's right.
27:32It doesn't fly any more.
27:33Yeah.
27:34And pilots, even though they're stressed, they're still flying.
27:36Mm.
27:37No, they've all been prevented from flying,
27:39apart from Sir Lindsay Hoyle,
27:40who's been criticised for taking too many first-class flights.
27:43According to the Daily Mail,
27:45Lindsay Hoyle has billed taxpayers £250,000 for foreign trips
27:50in two years, including £180,000 on first- and business-class flights.
27:55And it's not just their flights he's enjoyed, are they?
27:58He's been charging for expensive meals and five-star hotels as well.
28:01One Freedom of Information request revealed that flights for a nine-day
28:05trip to South Africa in St Helena cost the taxpayer £21,300.
28:10Good grief.
28:11He sits in the restaurant going,
28:12Order!
28:13Do you know what the slogan they've come up with for the campaign against him?
28:21Just stop Hoyle.
28:22Yeah.
28:23How has he justified his flights?
28:28I like it.
28:29I think he said speakers in other countries have private jets
28:34on hand all the time.
28:36He told the Times,
28:37It's about using my power and influence to speak out
28:40because it's about speaking truth to power to the Chinese and to Russia,
28:44he shouted, from South Africa.
28:46According to the Mail, he said that speakers in other nations
28:51have their own aircraft and travel around the world all the time
28:54without criticism.
28:55He said speakers going to other countries to represent the house
28:57was nothing new.
28:59Douglas Clifton Brown went to the front line in Normandy in 1944.
29:04Similarly, Hoyle went to the Ritz-Carlton in Los Angeles in 2023.
29:10The RAF have approved tonnock tea cakes for flights
29:12after a series of rigorous tests in an altitude chamber in Bedfordshire.
29:18Oh, that could be a new thing.
29:19Could be a ride.
29:20Could be a new thing, yes.
29:21Not ride a tonnock tea cake, explosive ride.
29:24Should we see what happens to a rapidly decompressed Anox tea cake?
29:27Oh, yeah.
29:28Come on.
29:29Stand by for rapid decompression in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now.
29:35Oh!
29:37Whoa!
29:39Was this by any chance filmed on April the 1st?
29:50I was expecting Bits of Marshmallow to be ricocheting off the chamber
29:53rather than a sort of splodge.
29:55Well, I think the old tea cakes would have done that.
29:57Because of woke.
29:58They don't put semtex in tea cakes anymore.
30:00Exactly.
30:01Because of woke.
30:02Yeah.
30:03Do you want to know who invented the tonnock's tea cake?
30:05Was it Tunnock?
30:06It is.
30:07Sir Archibald Boyd Tunnock who invented the tea cake in 1956.
30:11There he is, look.
30:12LAUGHTER
30:13He thought it invented contact lenses, but...
30:16LAUGHTER
30:19His moustache just looks like he's eating a tea cake really quickly.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:23And how has the hawk in Flamstead been prevented from flying?
30:27The man who got attacked's wife has caught it.
30:29Yeah, he's been caught and taken in a sinister turn of phrase
30:32to undergo retraining.
30:36He's gone to live on a farm.
30:40Why was a pilot flying from Los Angeles to Shanghai stopped from flying?
30:44Drunk.
30:45No.
30:46Wasn't a pilot.
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48The plane had to make a U-turn two hours into the flight
30:51because the pilot didn't have his passport with him.
30:54Oh!
30:55Do you want to see the route he took?
30:57LAUGHTER
30:58It looks like the beginning of Donald Trump's autograph.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:03I would hate to leave an airport where the security was lax.
31:08LAUGHTER
31:10And guess how United Airlines compensated passengers?
31:15Tea cake.
31:16LAUGHTER
31:17They got a $15 meal voucher.
31:20The plane eventually landed at Shanghai's Pudong Airport six hours late,
31:25causing a bit of a ding-dong of Pudong.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:32So they've all been prevented from flying except for Lindsay Hoyle,
31:34who's been flying too much.
31:36The village of Flamstead in Hertfordshire was left in terror
31:38after a spate of hawk attacks.
31:40According to The Telegraph, postman stopped delivering mail
31:43and scaffolders left work unfinished.
31:45And then the hawk attacks began.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:49The flight from L.A. to Shanghai was delayed for six hours,
31:53which irritated and annoyed most of the passengers,
31:55although it did give Lindsay Hoyle the chance to enjoy another cocktail
31:58and a cucumber face mask.
32:00LAUGHTER
32:02Paul and Helen, your four are Theresa May, A Kitten, Love Island
32:07and Robert Gascoigne Cecil, the third Marquess of Salisbury.
32:11LAUGHTER
32:12How come, considering how old that guy is in the bottom right picture,
32:15why is he next to a flat-screen TV?
32:17LAUGHTER
32:19Him, Salisbury.
32:21He was Prime Minister... Yeah.
32:23..a couple of times.
32:24It could be they were all involved in the scramble for Africa.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:29Is that a game show?
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33Lord Salisbury, his nephew became Prime Minister.
32:36That was Balfour, Arthur Balfour.
32:38And this is how the phrase, um, Bob's your uncle came about,
32:42because his first name was Robert.
32:44But that doesn't help me any further, unless that...
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47..unless that kitten's called Bob.
32:48It does help you.
32:49It does?
32:50It does help you.
32:51Surely it's about kitten heels.
32:53Everyone there...
32:54Is that the name of somebody in Love Island?
32:56LAUGHTER
32:57Yeah.
32:58She was the star.
32:59Theresa May wears kitten heels.
33:01Very famously, the kitten's got heels.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07And...
33:08And the Marquess of Salisbury...
33:10Yeah.
33:11Unknown to most of his...
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14Contemporaries appeared repeatedly at the dispatch box,
33:16wearing...
33:17Leopard print trousers.
33:19LAUGHTER
33:20OK, we'll pick an odd one out.
33:21We'll say it's the kitten.
33:22No, you're absolutely right.
33:23Yeah, it's the kitten.
33:24Because they've all inspired slang words, apart from a kitten,
33:25which has inspired a new word added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
33:30Is it a word about cuteness?
33:31Is it, like, small?
33:32Mm-hm, mm-hm.
33:33Mm-hm.
33:34Something like that?
33:35Ooh-woo?
33:36Come on.
33:37It's a new word.
33:38A small and ooh-woo are new words.
33:40Ian, do you know what small and ooh-woo mean?
33:42No.
33:43Yeah.
33:44What do they mean?
33:45Small means small in a cute way.
33:46An ooh-woo is like a cat's little face, like peeking up over something.
33:50OK, stop now.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:53The Oxford English Dictionary has included the word eagle in its latest edition.
34:06It's a so-called untranslatable word borrowed from the Tagalog language,
34:10which means a feeling so intense that it gives us the irresistible urge
34:14to tightly clench our hands, grit our teeth and pinch or squeeze
34:18whatever it is we find so adorable.
34:20Or, as The Guardian put it, have you ever held a fluffy and adorable kitten
34:24and felt a strong urge to squeeze its head?
34:26LAUGHTER
34:27Tell me about the Love Island.
34:29OK, do you know how it's inspiring linguists?
34:31Yes, a lot of its phrases have passed into common parlance.
34:34They're used all the time.
34:36The contestants describe each other as very agreeable.
34:39LAUGHTER
34:41But the words that they're using are proving popular with Americans.
34:44According to research at Northern Arizona University,
34:47popular words include bonkers, kerfuffle and flummox.
34:51They're not from Love Island.
34:53They're also starting to say trousers instead of pants.
34:56Yes.
34:57And Q instead of line.
34:58Yes.
34:59I had a cat called kerfuffle once.
35:01Oh!
35:02Oh.
35:03Did you ever sminge it, whatever it was?
35:04Giggle.
35:05LAUGHTER
35:06Could think of it.
35:08Other words on the list include...
35:10Dodgy, wonky, snarky, cheeky, bugger, bollocks and twee.
35:14If they'd used those names for The Seven Dwarfs,
35:16the Snow White remake would have been a whole lot better.
35:19LAUGHTER
35:20And who is Robert Gascois and Cecil III?
35:23Oh, you've answered that.
35:24Yeah.
35:25Yes, yes, the slangers.
35:26He was the original Bob in Bob's Your Uncle.
35:28Yes.
35:29What about Fanny?
35:30I don't think we've got time, have we?
35:33LAUGHTER
35:35There's a woman put her hand up in the front row.
35:38LAUGHTER
35:41She's your aunt.
35:42Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt, but nobody knows why.
35:44Oh, no, nobody knows why.
35:45Nobody knows what that's named after.
35:46Right.
35:47Do you know what Lord Salisbury did do in his spare time?
35:49He liked to ride his tricycle through St James's Park
35:53in a purple velvet poncho with a footman to push him up the hills.
35:57LAUGHTER
35:59That's Theresa May bought into the English language.
36:02Her great catchphrase has now become the slang,
36:04which is Brexit means Brexit.
36:06when kids playing football started using the phrase Brexit.
36:09Oh, yeah, I did see that.
36:11And it was a particularly vicious tackle.
36:13It means a no-nonsense, full-blooded tackle
36:15with little to no regard for the consequences...
36:18LAUGHTER
36:19..of a mess left behind.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:23Whilst we're talking about football, Ian,
36:25did you see the Australian politician Peter Dutton
36:27do on a football pitch this week?
36:28No.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:30There you go.
36:31Up there.
36:36Oh, got him!
36:37LAUGHTER
36:38Yes!
36:39We'll get your boots off.
36:42LAUGHTER
36:44LAUGHTER
36:46They've all inspired slang words apart from a kitten,
36:49which has inspired a new word added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
36:55Another new addition comes from South Africa and it's the word Moggy,
37:00meaning an extremely irrational person who is out of touch with reality,
37:04as in Jacob Rees Moggy.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:08It's time now for the missing words round,
37:10which this week features, as its guest publication,
37:13Keyboard Cavalcade,
37:15the magazine for home keyboard players.
37:17Electric keyboards can sound like any instrument
37:19and come with dozens of different settings.
37:21My favourite is off.
37:24LAUGHTER
37:26And they start with...
37:28Torval and Dean reveal they are addicted to what?
37:30Off you go.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:34Feels like libel payouts is the ultimate...
37:37LAUGHTER
37:38Licking the ice and making your tongue stick to it.
37:41LAUGHTER
37:44You're not a million miles away.
37:46Oh!
37:47Putting other body parts on the ice and making them stick to it.
37:50LAUGHTER
37:53They're addicted to ice baths.
37:56You should watch out, they can make your boleros shrink.
37:59LAUGHTER
38:02Next, the most annoying thing you can do on a train journey is what?
38:07Blindfold the driver.
38:08LAUGHTER
38:10The answer is nothing.
38:12Hmm.
38:13This is a TikToker whose list of rudest commuting behaviour
38:16is topped by someone just staring at you.
38:19I completely agree, especially when they follow it up with,
38:21come on, sir, where's your ticket?
38:23LAUGHTER
38:24Next, if you're into keyboards and are looking for a new experience,
38:28come down to Chipperfield Baptist Church where we'll be what?
38:32Reviving the dead to the popular sounds of Chas and Dave,
38:35the 80s popular duo.
38:37LAUGHTER
38:38I'll take that.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:42They'll be activating the organ's hand-pumping mechanism.
38:46Oh.
38:47Wow.
38:48I couldn't have been more wrong.
38:49LAUGHTER
38:50Next, those attending Bournemouth Library's what?
38:52must sit on a towel.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:55I know this one, I saw this one.
38:57Those attending Bournemouth Library's annual
38:59Cack Your Pants for Charity Day...
39:01LAUGHTER
39:03LAUGHTER
39:05LAUGHTER
39:07..must sit on a towel.
39:09LAUGHTER
39:10It's health and safety.
39:11You're mad.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13It's a nude writing workshop.
39:15Ooh!
39:16Oh!
39:17Oh!
39:18Next, woman who what, to see what it was like, ends up what?
39:24Woman who tried running for Tory leader to see what it was like,
39:27ends up hating every minute of it.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:30APPLAUSE
39:35A woman who dropped a suitcase on her foot to see what it was like,
39:38ended up breaking her foot.
39:40This is a woman from Cumbria who broke her foot after deliberately
39:43dropping a full suitcase on it to see if it would hurt,
39:45as part of a TikTok trend.
39:47She ended up with a bad case of TikTok toe.
39:49Hey!
39:50LAUGHTER
39:51Next, every edition of Keyboard Cavalcade sees Tom Horton what?
39:57Uh, take his clothes off on page three.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:01Expanding the definition of human misery.
40:04LAUGHTER
40:05He offers up his tips and twiddles.
40:07LAUGHTER
40:09If you want to see Tom showing off his tips and twiddles on his organ,
40:12be very, very careful how you Google that.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:15Next, Emmanuel Macron won't leave the house without wearing what?
40:19A supercilious grin.
40:21LAUGHTER
40:22Wearing out his wife's patience.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:26Wearing out his wife's pants.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:29It's scent.
40:30I read this story.
40:31He wears a huge amount of, um, scent.
40:32Does he?
40:33Cheeky devil.
40:34It's called cologne when it's men.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:37And the answer is an industrial quantity of cologne.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:43According to insiders, Emmanuel Macron wears a lot of aftershave
40:46as a way of marking his territory.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:49Donald Trump just pees in the corner.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53APPLAUSE
40:54Next, what is as tall as an emperor penguin
40:59with the poundage of a newborn horse?
41:02I think it's the average rat in Birmingham.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:06Could it be Kim Jong-un?
41:08LAUGHTER
41:13The world's largest cream egg.
41:15And here it is, this massive chocolate cream egg.
41:18Oh, wow.
41:19Yes.
41:20How do they get the top off so neatly?
41:22It's very neat, isn't it?
41:23And that filling in the top, I'm not convinced.
41:25I think it's a fake.
41:27LAUGHTER
41:29Is that just a groan of desire?
41:33LAUGHTER
41:34And finally, theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical
41:38surprised to discover what?
41:39It's not simply the best.
41:41LAUGHTER
41:42Theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised
41:44they discover the musical is actually about a man
41:46who rotates fish.
41:48LAUGHTER
41:51That's right, a tuna-turner.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:55Tina Turner would not be starring.
41:58LAUGHTER
42:00Tina Turner sadly no longer with us, but the theatre in London
42:02felt obliged to offer the following disclaimer.
42:04Please note that Tina Turner will not be appearing
42:06in this production.
42:07And I've also got some bad news for anyone
42:09who's got tickets to see Richard III.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:13So, the final scores.
42:16Aw.
42:17Ian and Ian have caught up handsomely with four,
42:19but Paul and Helen still smashing it with five.
42:22Oh, well done.
42:23APPLAUSE
42:25But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:31King Charles is third in line, a tried drink that turns you
42:34into a bald man wearing glasses.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:40On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:42Ian Hislop and Ian Smith, Paul Merton and Helen Lewis.
42:45And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment for the
42:48King, as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil
42:50and it is simply visiting a curtain factory.
42:53LAUGHTER
42:58At Mar-a-Lago, there are fears that Donald Trump
43:00may be sleepwalking again.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:07And there's controversy in the latter stages of the Champions League
43:10as Borussia Dortmund introduce a new striker
43:13with a unique genetic advantage.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:18APPLAUSE
43:20Good night.
43:22APPLAUSE
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