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00:00Satsang with the
00:30, that's sick.
00:46County ?
00:47No.
00:48Cash register ?
00:50No.
00:52Here I give up.
00:53Kettle .
00:55Kettle ?
00:55Yes, Kettle starts with a K,
00:58you lotih.
00:59My turn.
01:01I spy with my little eye.
01:03I've seen it all now.
01:04What?
01:05A whatchamacallit machine.
01:06A what?
01:07A whatchamacallit machine for them yorks.
01:10Them yorks?
01:11Yeah.
01:12Where?
01:13Where do you think?
01:14The checks.
01:15Yeah.
01:16I thought that was chewing gum.
01:18Loser!
01:19I hope you didn't try and ate one.
01:22Oh, no.
01:23A york machine?
01:24Yes.
01:25Here?
01:26Yes.
01:27Who'll use them?
01:28Anybody who wants to.
01:29None of my business.
01:30What about Feather Phillip?
01:32If he puts in his three euro like everybody else, he can work away.
01:35No.
01:36What'll he say?
01:37What am I?
01:38A mind reader.
01:39I got it for the Valentine's Day.
01:40People get awful frisky this time of year.
01:42Someone's trying to get frisky with Timmy.
01:43Is that right, Tim?
01:44He got a card.
01:45A Valentine's card.
01:46What did it say?
01:48Roses are red.
01:50Violets are blue.
01:52I love you.
01:53What do you think of that?
01:55That is good.
01:56Who's it from?
01:57A secret admirer.
01:58His mother.
02:02Jimmy got a card too.
02:03What did it say, Jimmy?
02:09That's only old cod, Valentine's Day.
02:11Made up be florists.
02:12Not true.
02:13There was a real Saint Valentine.
02:14Isn't that right, Dan?
02:15Oh, you're on the ball there, Jimmy.
02:17What was his story again?
02:19Well, it all started with the Roman Emperor.
02:21A small little gutty fella by the name of Claudius II.
02:23When was he around then?
02:25After Claudius the First, anyway, Jacksy.
02:27Well, the bold Claudius and a couple of the lads
02:29went out of an evening pillaging the village.
02:32And didn't your man Claudius spot
02:34that the fellas who weren't married
02:36took to the pillaging better than fellas who were?
02:38Why was that then?
02:39I don't know, Jacksy.
02:40I suppose the fellas who were married were nice so much
02:42the fight was gone out of them.
02:44Well, after that he banned marriage.
02:46Merciful God.
02:47What happened next?
02:48Well, along came a saint.
02:49Saint Valentine?
02:50Saint Valentine, who set up a business
02:55marrying soldiers on the QT.
02:57But didn't the bold Claudius get wind of it?
02:59And he had him stabbed in the catechorms.
03:01Cool way.
03:02Well, if there's a show worse than the Black and Tams,
03:05it's them Roman Emperors.
03:06It doesn't stop at that.
03:07I love this bit.
03:09He tells this lovely.
03:10After your man Valentine died,
03:12didn't the Pope give him a leg up
03:14and made him patron saint of...
03:16How's your father's?
03:18How's your father?
03:20Love, romance, all that sort of old thing.
03:23And Valentine's Day is a load of old cod.
03:25It's a plot by florists, car shops and chocolate people.
03:29Chocolate people?
03:30Oh, you know what I mean.
03:31Is that what you think?
03:32It is what I think.
03:33Well, did it ever occur to you
03:35that it might be the only one day of the year
03:36that single people get a chance for a bit of old...
03:39How's your father?
03:40Speaking of how's your father,
03:42did you see this?
03:44Knicker, knicker, not knicked yet.
03:46What's that about?
03:47I'll tell you what that's about.
03:48It's more of that Valentine's Day cod.
03:50It's worse than a full moon.
03:51There's a fella running around
03:53stealing knickers above a ratmuff.
03:54Ratmuff?
03:55Isn't that near here?
03:56Tis.
03:57Oh, here, Jacksy.
03:58We wrote some of them ads again.
03:59These are a howl.
04:00Oh, dear God, wouldn't you live it, Lord?
04:02Here's one.
04:03Full-loving widow, 83.
04:05No teeth, some hair.
04:08W-L-T-M.
04:10Huh?
04:11Would like to meet.
04:12Would like to meet.
04:13Lively lad, 70 plus, for one last fling.
04:17Sense of humour, desirable.
04:19Desirable?
04:20Essentially be more like it.
04:22Fit, solvent, clean widower.
04:25Sixties, but looks 35.
04:28Has 12 acres and a massive rod.
04:33Stewart Album Collection.
04:35Sikhs female any age, anywhere.
04:38But preferably between 18 and 25 in Ballyhonas.
04:41Ha, ha, ha, ha!
04:42Whist.
04:43Hold your whist.
04:44It's a great one.
04:45Kilna Scully Flute.
04:46Distinguished cultured jint.
04:48Not bad looking.
04:50Fifties.
04:51With flute in excellent condition.
04:53Sikhs lady who likes to fiddle about.
04:56If you're fed up playing by yourself, let's get together and make some sweet music.
05:01Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:02What sort of a Ludo putting an ad like that?
05:04Make sweet music.
05:06Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:07A right flute if you ask me.
05:09Here.
05:10I'm off the sandish buns.
05:13Who ate his bun?
05:17God bless the work.
05:18How are you, father?
05:19Patrick, the very man.
05:21You know everything about horses, don't you?
05:24I do, father.
05:25No, father.
05:26Have you ever shoed a horse?
05:27No, father.
05:28I once told a donkey to fake off.
05:30No, no.
05:31Not that kind of shoing.
05:32I meant sort of...
05:33Er, sort of...
05:34Er, don't worry about it.
05:37Do you want to hand for Valentine's Day, father?
05:39Ah, no.
05:40No, I won't, thanks.
05:41Box of chocolates for herself for hand.
05:43No, no.
05:44Right here, father.
05:45Read another one.
05:46That was the last one.
05:47We might not do with the cross one.
05:49A romantic saint or love letter.
05:52V-A-L something N something something in E.
05:57Romantic saint.
05:59Or love letter.
06:00Nine letters beginning with V-A-L.
06:03Val Kilmer.
06:05All right.
06:06No.
06:07It isn't in E.
06:12Welcome to the Gazette Lonely Heart Line.
06:15To begin listening to the ads, press one.
06:18To move to the next ad, press two.
06:21To repeat an ad, press three.
06:24To repeat all ads, press four.
06:29Give us another one.
06:31Pertaining to church matters.
06:33How many letters?
06:34Fourteen.
06:35Gee, that's a big one.
06:37Religiously.
06:38No.
06:39I taught ecumenical myself, but it's too short.
06:43Ecumenicalistic.
06:45There's no such word.
06:47Loader.
06:50To reply to an ad, press eight.
06:53To reply to all ads, press nine.
06:56To review the reply you recorded, press ten.
07:00To rerecord your reply, press eleven.
07:02Oh, my God.
07:03How many letters?
07:05Fourteen, I said.
07:07God bless the work.
07:09Father, pertaining to church matters, fourteen letters.
07:15Fourteen letters.
07:16Oh, erm...
07:22Ecumenical?
07:23No.
07:24To hear replies to an ad you placed in the Gazette, press seventeen.
07:30About thick and time.
07:34Please enter your eight-digit pin number.
07:37Ah, thick!
07:44Ecclesiastical.
07:46Ecclesiastical.
07:47Ecclesiastical.
07:48That's a powerful word.
07:50Will it fit?
07:51Oh, there's fourteen letters in that I'm sure you'll find.
07:55How do you spell that, Father?
07:59E?
08:00E?
08:07You have one reply to your ad.
08:10To hear your reply, press hash.
08:14What in the name of God?
08:16Ecclesiastical.
08:17Ecclesiastical.
08:19There you are.
08:20Good man, Timmy.
08:21You know, Timmy is like purgatory.
08:22Not many people believe in him, but he's there all the same.
08:25Spell that again, Tim.
08:26Ecc.
08:27Ecclesiastical.
08:28There you are.
08:29Good man, Timmy.
08:30You know, Timmy is like purgatory.
08:31Not many people believe in him, but he's there all the same.
08:34Spell that again, Tim.
08:35Ecc.
08:36I'll give you a thick and hash.
08:37The hash key is the one below the nine.
08:38Well, why didn't you thick and say so?
08:40To access your voicemail, the hash key is the one below the nine.
08:43Why didn't you thick and say so?
08:45To access your voicemail, the hash key is the one below the nine.
08:50Why didn't you thick and say so?
08:55To access your voicemail, please state your Lonely Heart username.
09:00Mother of God.
09:01That is not the correct username.
09:04To access your voicemail, please state your Lonely Heart username.
09:10Kill the Scully Flute.
09:12I'm sorry.
09:13I did not hear your reply.
09:15Kill the Scully Flute!
09:19Er, yeah.
09:20Five right away on that, yeah.
09:22Kill the Scully Flute.
09:23The 315 in Pontius Town.
09:26It's about this machine.
09:27What machine?
09:28The one in the toilet.
09:29The yoke machine?
09:30Yes, that one.
09:32Doesn't take notes, Father.
09:33But I can get you changed.
09:34No, Jaxie.
09:35You know where the church stands in these matters.
09:38I suppose I read something about it all right.
09:41The thing is, Jaxie, I don't know if you've heard, but the bishop is threatening to send me on a retreat.
09:46With nuns.
09:47Is that right, Father?
09:48Yeah.
09:49He says I should be more proactive on moral issues.
09:53Whatever that means.
09:55Anyway, under the circumstances, I have to be seen to, you know, get stuck in.
10:01I'm not following you, Father.
10:04It would be remiss of me not to register some sort of protest.
10:07I suppose so.
10:09Right, well, erm, I formally protest.
10:12About what?
10:13About the whatchamacallit machine.
10:15The yoke's machine?
10:16Yes.
10:17Grand.
10:18I can't stand idly by and watch these devices just flying across the parish.
10:24I don't think they actually fly, Father.
10:26You know what I mean, Jaxie.
10:33My name is, erm, Female Fiddler.
10:37I read your ad in the Gazette about making sweet music.
10:42If your flute is up for a good lively session, I'll be at the bus stop in Killin' a Scully at 8 o'clock.
10:518 o'clock.
10:52Oh, all right.
10:53Yeah.
10:54So the time at the beep will be 13 58 35.
11:00Right, right.
11:01Thanks.
11:02Yeah.
11:03Talking clock, me arse.
11:05They're slow.
11:07How are you, Mick?
11:12You have nothing to worry about in that school, Father.
11:16Why not?
11:17The machine is empty.
11:18Empty?
11:19Yes.
11:20But I've seen fellas pumping money into it.
11:23Yes, but have you seen anything coming out?
11:25No.
11:26Well then.
11:27Yeah, but...
11:28The way it is, Father.
11:29Anybody from around here that puts money in is too embarrassed to ask for their money back.
11:33It was 100% pure profit.
11:36Oh, so there's no actual, you know, you-know-what?
11:39None whatsoever.
11:41Now that's a relief.
11:43Good man.
11:44Can I go back to work now, Father?
11:46Go on.
11:47Go on.
11:51Two million?
11:52The lotto.
11:53It's in the paper.
11:54Two million on Valentine's night.
11:56That's fair money.
11:58What would you do with two million, Jacksy?
12:01Holiday homes.
12:02I'd finish scat with my own kinder scully.
12:04What about you, then?
12:05Lasso?
12:06You can keep your fickin' lasso.
12:08You should look what the doll have done to me.
12:14Flowers!
12:15Chocolate flowers!
12:16Chocolate!
12:17Flowers!
12:18What can I get you, missus?
12:19What do you have, Pa?
12:20I have lovely chocolates there for himself.
12:22Our flowers fresh will stray out the ground.
12:25I'm looking for something special.
12:27Well, no, you can't go far along with them county agents.
12:29No, Pa.
12:30Something special.
12:32Fair enough, ma'am.
12:34Follow me.
12:42Our girls, if you're not going to buy them, put them down.
12:45Are the batteries included, Pa?
12:47I told you yesterday the batteries are included, never.
12:50If you break it, you're going to have to pay for it.
12:54There's a great buzz round the village since I got them things in.
12:56What can I do for you, ma'am?
12:57I'm looking for something to wear, Pa.
12:58I'm shifting a lot of these, ma'am.
12:59I'll take it.
13:00I'm planning on doing some shifting myself.
13:01Bingo, is it?
13:02I beg your pardon?
13:03You're off to bingo, is it?
13:04No.
13:05Lovely.
13:06Here she comes.
13:07Here she comes.
13:08Killing a scully flute.
13:09a scully flute.
13:10Female fiddler.
13:11Female fiddler.
13:12.
13:13Bingo, is it?
13:18I beg your pardon?
13:19You're off to bingo, is it?
13:21No.
13:22Lovely. Here she comes.
13:37Killing a scully flute?
13:39Female fiddler.
13:42Mother of God.
13:43Your message said early forties.
13:55And your ad, Mr Glancy, said not bad looking.
13:59I must admit, this is not what I was expecting.
14:02Me neither.
14:03I'm not in the habit of repeating myself, but this is not what I was expecting at all.
14:10I didn't know you were to flute.
14:12I have, ma'am.
14:13Or how come we've never seen it before?
14:16Right.
14:18Yoo-hoo!
14:23Right, I'm off.
14:24Where do you think you're going?
14:25Down to Jax's.
14:26And what about this sweet music you were on about?
14:29Well, I thought you'd gone off the idea at this stage.
14:31I'm not in the habit of repeating myself, Mr Glancy, but I'm also not in the habit of passing up the chance of a good session, especially at my age.
14:39Come on.
14:40Where are we after?
14:40Where are we after?
14:43My house.
14:45Right.
14:46Well, we're hardly going to do it at the side of the road like hippies, are we?
14:50No.
14:51Besides, Sissy Cullen said she might drop in.
14:54Sissy Cullen.
14:56Oh, she's a great crack.
14:59Mother of God.
15:04Jacksy, the very man.
15:05Father, you coming in?
15:06No, I'm grand, Jacksy.
15:08I was wondering if I could have a quick word.
15:09Oh, your father.
15:10Hello, sergeant.
15:11Hello.
15:12Hello, father.
15:13Hello, Mrs.
15:14Miss.
15:15Clancy.
15:16Clancy.
15:17Hello, Mrs.
15:18Collins.
15:19Collins.
15:20Hello, Mrs. Collins.
15:21Yes.
15:21What is it, father?
15:22I have a pumped run.
15:23Oh, yes.
15:26I was thinking about the you-know-whats.
15:29The what?
15:29The you-know-whats in the machine that we were talking about.
15:32Oh, the yokes.
15:34Yes, the yokes, Jacksy.
15:35There aren't any.
15:37Yeah, but you see, that's the thing.
15:40You're taking money under false pretenses.
15:42Anybody can have their money back if they ask for it.
15:44Yeah, but it's hardly right.
15:47I had no complaint so far.
15:48Ah, Jacksy, with the bishop breathing down my neck,
15:51I cannot be seen to be soft on this sort of thing.
15:53What sort of thing?
15:54This blatant dishonesty.
15:56That is hardly dishonest, father.
15:57Ah, come on, Jacksy.
15:58It's not exactly honest, either.
16:02If I was to go across the street now
16:04and tell Sergeant O'Toole about this.
16:06I'm sure he'd be very interested.
16:10He would.
16:11Oh, he would.
16:14He supplies the machine.
16:15He gets half the money.
16:17God almighty.
16:19Is there one decent, honest person left around here?
16:23Are you talking about the village now,
16:24or do you mean the surrounding area?
16:25You know where the church stands on these matters.
16:27And it would be remiss of me, you know,
16:30not to make some sort of protest.
16:31Grand.
16:32So you'll take care of it?
16:33I will.
16:35Come on, Jacksy.
16:37Dick.
16:38Father Phillips said we were to put yokes in that machine.
16:40What's that?
16:41Father Phillips says you've to put Johnny's in the machine.
16:46Right you are, father.
16:47Hello, Dick.
16:50Are you there?
16:50Over.
16:51Excuse me, ladies.
16:53Go ahead, guard around.
16:55The chief wants to know how we're fixed
16:56for catching the knickers snatcher tonight.
16:57Over.
16:58She were grand.
17:00We've guards in from Ratmuff
17:01and from Bally.
17:02She were saturated.
17:04If any criminal lays a hand
17:05on a pair of knickers tonight,
17:07I'll take him down.
17:10You can rest easy, ladies.
17:12Your knickers will be quite safe
17:13in my hands tonight.
17:14Good luck, girls.
17:16There's crime to be solved here.
17:20I have to say I'm worried about him.
17:24Me too.
17:26He's gone out of here since two.
17:28It's half eight now.
17:29That's at least...
17:31a long time.
17:34It's a record for him.
17:36He forgot his keys.
17:37He was in such a hurry.
17:38I'll have a G&T, Jaxie.
17:45Right, Jax.
17:46How's Nurse Maloney?
17:47Grand, Jimmy, thanks.
17:49Hey, Timmy, there's Nurse Maloney now.
17:51I know.
17:52Hello, Timmy.
17:53Hello.
17:55I heard the postman was busy this morning.
17:58I hear he's busy every morning.
18:00Did you get anything?
18:01In the post, this morning?
18:04No.
18:04He got a card.
18:05A card?
18:07Isn't that lovely?
18:09What sort of a card?
18:10A Valentine's card.
18:12Is that right, Timmy?
18:14No.
18:19Have you brought your instrument, Mr. Clancy?
18:22Yes, ma'am.
18:22I have my box.
18:24I haven't seen a proper flute since Robert died.
18:29Mind you, the last few years, he hardly took it out at all.
18:35It's still at the bottom of the wardrobe somewhere.
18:38Really?
18:39But when he took it out, Mr. Clancy, what he couldn't do with it.
18:45Is that so?
18:46I am not in the habit of repeating myself, Mr. Clancy.
18:51But when that man took out his flute, what he couldn't do with it.
18:58The sessions we used to have in the parlour here with the neighbours coming in.
19:03Some of them working away at their instruments.
19:06Others just looking.
19:09And me fiddling away in the corner.
19:12Haven't I right, Stancy?
19:14Hours of pleasure, Mr. Clancy.
19:17I'll tell you this.
19:19There's nothing like a good session.
19:21No.
19:21And the older you get, the more you appreciate it.
19:25Hours of pleasure we used to give to each other, Mr. Clancy.
19:30And we will again, Sissy.
19:33Now that Mr. Clancy is with us.
19:35Oh, I can't wait.
19:38Can you, Mr. Clancy?
19:40No.
19:41Will we get stashed?
19:42We will.
19:44We'll get our coat from us.
19:46Oh.
19:51I have to warn you, Mr. Clancy.
19:54I haven't done this in a long time.
19:58My fingering mightn't be the best.
20:00I'm sure it'll be great, ma'am.
20:02We'll be back in a while.
20:06And who might that Valentine's card be from?
20:10Don't know.
20:11A secret admirer.
20:12Ooh.
20:14And who might that be, I wonder?
20:16Don't know.
20:18And what was on the front of the card?
20:20A nurse.
20:22A nurse?
20:23Isn't that a coincidence?
20:25What with me being a nurse and everything?
20:27I suppose so.
20:28Roses are red.
20:30Violets are blue.
20:31I love you.
20:33What do you think of that?
20:35Do you know who it's from now, Timmy?
20:38No.
20:39It's from me, you gob-daw!
20:41Jean tea.
20:55There'll be four euros seventy when you're ready, Timmy.
20:57I don't know what kind of players you took us for, Mr. Clancy, but I'll tell you this.
21:09You'll be playing on your own.
21:14Hours of pleasure we could have had.
21:18Hours.
21:19Out you go, Mr. Clancy.
21:22Out!
21:23Out!
21:24Do you hear me?
21:25Out!
21:26Out!
21:28Out!
21:29Out!
21:30Out!
21:30Out!
21:43Is there any chance I can get me pants, ma'am?
21:45There's no pants here for the likes of you, Mr. Clancy.
21:49Come in, Dick.
21:59Send no sign to the neighbor's mantle, over.
22:03Jaxie, could I have a quick word, would you please?
22:06What is this, Timfather?
22:07In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to run a business here.
22:11Eight different women have called the bishop in the last half an hour.
22:15Is that right?
22:16Well, it is Valentine's night, you know.
22:17They're complaining, Jaxie, about me.
22:22People are claiming that I'm responsible for the you-know-whats.
22:26Well, it was you ready to start selling them, Father.
22:28I was perfectly happy with empty machine.
22:30This puts me in a very embarrassing position.
22:33Those that aren't calling for me to be defrocked,
22:36they're laughing at me.
22:39The bishop is on his way over, right now.
22:41Oh, Jenny!
22:43Who are you, Father?
22:44Who are you, Waze?
22:45Jaxie.
22:45What?
22:46I have that machine in the back of the van now.
22:47What do you want to do with it?
22:48Father.
22:49What?
22:50We're dispensing with the dispenser.
22:52What do you want to do with it, Father?
22:54Tell me you're dropping up to the parochial house, Father.
22:56No!
22:57I wish someone would fling that infernal machine
22:59as far into the bog of Baloch as it'll go!
23:03Right, Jermas.
23:05T.K.
23:07I didn't mean it literally, lads.
23:09Well, Father Philip says it's all right to dump stuff in the bog of Baloch.
23:12Fair play.
23:13Fair play.
23:14Okay.
23:21Ah!
23:23Shit!
23:25Ah!
23:26Ah!
23:26Ah!
23:26Ah!
23:26Ah!
23:27Ah!
23:27Ah!
23:28Ah!
23:28Ah!
23:29Ah!
23:29We've been tracking his movements, Inspector, and from the psychological profile we've built
23:41up, this is where he's going to make his next move.
23:45There he is.
23:46Where, where?
23:47There, three o'clock.
23:48Where?
23:49Left, left.
23:50Stop, stop.
23:52Oh, mother of God.
23:59Where are we?
24:03In Cantillan's Field.
24:05All units do Cantillan's Field.
24:13Oh, sorry, you're dead.
24:19Dan, Dick, it's not what it looks like.
24:23Bye.
24:29Bye-bye.